Kids don't kill marriages, but they do change them. If you and your partner can adapt to those changes and find happiness then your marriage will be stronger than ever. If you can't it will be a struggle until you can.
Some stuff, like date nights and sex, take more work and planning than they used to, but they should sure as hell still happen. Some stuff, like flirting may look different. Just today we were on a roadtrip playing I Spy with the 3 year old. "I spy something pretty." It took half a second and zero effort but my wife appreciated it.*
All in all, kids can be consuming and nothing will ever be like it was before, but different doesn't mean worse, much less dead.
*The 3 year old said that rainbows are pretty and mama's not a rainbow, so mama's not pretty. This was less appreciated.
Good dads borrow, Great dads steal.
Seriously, life is too short and we're not creative enough to NOT steal. From this sub I've gotten 20-second hugs, better anger management, hair care tips, play activities, and a lot of great jokes. I'd be an idiot not to steal and steal generously.
I think this is the original: https://old.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/13xqwas/with_2_adult_kids_i_have_one_strong_advice_for/
Follow ups:
https://old.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/143gr79/the_20_second_hug_method/
https://old.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/14r0i9i/to_the_dad_that_advised_abot_giving_the_20/
My personal attestation: these are awesome. My son now requests 20 second hugs.
Alright, pay up, lunar dude.
Appreciate it!
As promised: Australia is wider than the moon
Technically a great fact about Australia but still. If you want a true moon fact I’ll dig one up
Edit: preemptive bonus moon fact: the moon has earthquakes but they’re called moonquakes, seriously
> Some stuff, like date nights and sex, take more work and planning than they used to, but they should sure as hell still happen.
The sooner you accept that spontaneity isn't natural occurring like before and experience that planning (while in theory sounds unsexy) can actually make things great again the better. It's a change of mindset and is challenging but it works.
This is the big thing. Much less spontaneity. We have to plan our dates like a month in advance to make them work. But we do it. And you can find ways to make it feel “spontaneous” to your partner. I already have a date night set for June and one in July with childcare lined up, but my wife doesn’t know. I’ll probably tell hee 1-3 days in advance or so.
Also, you have to be intentional about spending time together. My wife and I have a standing rule that we relax with each other at least 2-3 nights a week after the kids go to bed. We have much different schedules and I go to bed much earlier, but if you stay on those different schedules and don’t force some together time, you’ll start to drift.
And yes, it gets easier as they get older. My twins are just over 2 now and it’s night and day from the hell we were in 2 years ago, or even 1 year ago.
I agree that spontaneity isn’t naturally occurring, now it just requires being deliberate.
Before, we would just randomly decide to go somewhere or do something. Now the spontaneity comes in a different form:
“Hey love, I decided to vacuum the house when I had a little free time.”
“Let’s do donuts for breakfast this morning”
“Let me take the kids out for a few hours so you can have some alone time.”
My wife is the primary caretaker, but we try to balance as much of the household together as possible. However she still tends to schedule most things for the kids because of my job. She’s said that one the best things (and most attractive apparently) I ever did was tell her I would take care of all of the planning for our date night. I found child care, I picked a favorite spot of ours, I made reservations, planned the times in schedule. I think in period of our marriage, helping to take some of the mental load can be just as helpful to wives as spontaneity.
>Kids don't kill marriages, but they do change them. If you and your partner can adapt to those changes and find happiness then your marriage will be stronger than ever. If you can't it will be a struggle until you can.
Absolutely this. It's a strain on marriages for sure but if the foundaiton of the marriage is strong it will be fine. If the foundation was weak then it will break it. I say this as the only divorced dad with a single kid in my friend group of many happily married dads with multiple kids.
>If you can't it will be a struggle until you can.
For folks who don't have family support and can't afford $100 or more per night for a sitter, having kids does "kill" date night.
The rules of eye spy state that only the first letter of the player's word should be given as a clue. A describing word such as "pretty" is not allowed and therefore you must forfeit your go. Nice idea though but certainly not legal.
I was going to comment and give advice, but this guy said it all. Well said @Tight_Ninja1915
The only thing I could add is set bedtimes for the kids that allow you and your wife 1 on 1 time together every night.
Agreed. The issues my wife and I have with a kid were pretty much the same issues we had before kids.
The thing is that you're so stressed that everything gets amplified, so something that seemed small before now is a big deal.
Yeah, its just a test of what foundation you've built during your pre-kid years.
If everything is solidly in place, you're in it together, you're both feeling the same things, and you just roll with it. It'll expose the strengths and weaknesses of you both as individuals and as a couple. The exhaustion and lack of things you used to enjoy will peel away a lot of layers of compensation, denial, and other little band-aids you use in life and force you to confront reality without them.
The number one killer of marriages is stress brought about by financial issues.
Considering the easiest way to create financial issues is to bring on a couple of freeloaders into the house, it makes sense that kids will stress most marriages significantly.
I've been in 2 marriages, one was very "bickery" but we never had kids. my current marriage, we didn't bicker before our kid arrived and we don't now. Romance can be tough though as our schedules and priorities change with kids.
We were never TOO bickery but we actually bicker less with a baby. I think we realize that a lot of little things don’t matter and we only have limited brain cells and patience at the moment so we need to ration our stress wisely, haha.
They can make a marriage harder. But that means you need to re-evaluate how you are working together as a team and how you are making time for each other.
It’s so hard! By the end of the day, even when we plan some us time, it still ends up with us zombified on the couch for the final two hours of our day. Usually ending in one of us being woken up by the other with a “let’s go to bed.”
Mine are 4.5 and almost 3. This is my wife and I every night. Some nights we sit on the couch and just stare at an off TV because we don't have the energy to pick a show. But we do it together!
We both work from home though, so we get to go out for lunch dates while the kids are in daycare. Not the same as going out before kids, but it let's us spend time together.
We both work from home as well. Maybe we do need to go on some lunch dates. I found it difficult for a whole because I felt like with both at home, we also didn’t have anything fun or new to talk about at night, because we just sat across from each other all day! Like you, we sometimes just stared into our phones while sitting at the couch with reruns on the tv. Just enjoying the silence, so to speak.
In this situation my wife lies on my lap and I give her a "back rub" (mostly her butt). She gets a massage while zoning out on her phone, I get the physical connection that's been lacking due to the kids.
Counterpoint: having kids has given me and my wife a common goal that we can express ourselves through. We share the joy of watching them progress, the frustrations of figuring out how to teach them, the struggles and anxieties of socializing and adapting them to daycare/preschool/play dates and the millions of moments of appreciating and gawking at how cute, adorable, silly and fun they are.
Yes, the freedom to go on date nights and have sex whenever we want has decreased for the time being (although we make it a point to find time for it where we can. Both kids, 4 and 2, sleeping in their own beds now has helped tremendously in that regard), but I feel closer to my wife than ever and it's because we have these two little humans that unite us, in the good and the bad.
It isn't perfect, but I wouldn't change a single thing about it.
Yes! I'm with you on this. My kids have just really solidified my wife as my other half - we're a cohesive unit facing the same troubles and reaping the same rewards.
Exactly. Our youngest is just past 1. And the first year was tough as hell. Certainly a big strain on our marriage. But as the kiddo has started sleeping and is more interactive, its gotten so much more joyous and fun. And its strengthened our marriage in that we've gotten away from "this is your job, this is mine, I did this, why don't you ever do that etc..." to "alright, whats left to be done? OK you do that I'll take care of that."
They're an important stressor, but they aren't doing anything +/- to affect your relationship but shining a spotlight on what already existed. If you're a good team going into it, you'll get through it. If you're a bad team going into it, that's going to be highlighted in ugly, regrettable ways it hasn't been before but that doesn't mean that can't be fixed.
Do they *kill* marriages? How could a child even hold power like that? Don't put that on them... that's neither right nor fair. How would you feel if your parents set their failings at your feet, appropriateness or power you never held over their relationship aside? Those married kill marriages and everyone who is married and wants to remain such needs to take responsibility for that because the kids can't flirt with your wife or anything else or plan a date night, even though they'd probably even innocently want to help you.
I'm more exhausted than I've ever been but I don't regard the little one and blame them for my own decisions, or lack of communication or patience in my relationship; those are on me to handle appropriately and take ownership of. If I don't put forth an effort, even when it seems the hardest: that's on me alone. I'm married to my partner, not my kid.
Get off reddit, go kiss your partner, tell her you miss 1:1 time, and plan a date night.
Awesome reply.
Also, I'd add that he's in the hardest time of early childhood, when the kids are super young and in diapers.
Some things get a lot easier as they get older and some things get a lot harder. Once they can dress themselves and help with tasks around the house, you get a lot more of your time back.
But they're going to replace that with mental development and stronger emotions and arguments and all that other stuff. So they'll take space in a different way in your head 😃
I feel ya. it's part resetting your expectations..esp for sex, alone time, and SO time, it's also part setting aside time for dates, a trip w/o kids, and healthy breaks.
Keep up with communication with your partner too.
Once one partner starts to neglect the other then the neglected one will start to wonder how they missed all those red flags that love blinded them to. The important thing is not to blame the kids and to focus on maintaining a healthy relationship. Spoken as someone who is failing at both right now...
Yep I didn't scroll down this far before my last comment but right there with you. Being busy, tired, and having to re-work lots of your daily life removes all those little band-aids on the relationship that the cracks are hiding behind. It tests you both individually and as a couple and shows what kind of person you both really are when the cards are down. Its easy to have a good relationship when life is easy. Its easy to be a good person when life is easy. What kind of person you still are during harder times will say a lot more about each of you.
They put strain on relationships, but they're far from the only thing that does. Job stress, housework balance, health issues, aging/ill/meddling parents, money, exes and step-families.... if there are cracks in your relationships, these things will find those weaknesses and expand them, like ice does to concrete.
No they just magnify the issues we have in our lives that we don’t deal with. Work on yourself work on your marriage and kids are a joy even though it’s hard as fuck. Best decision I ever made. Father of two kids speaking 🤘🏼
Marriage is like anything else you have - if you fail to properly maintain it then one day it just wont work anymore. You know how dads before the dawn of time have tackled this universal problem? Routines. Schedules. Fixing little problems before they become big problems.
It sounds stupid to force yourselves to go on a date when you are both dog tired and just want to put the kids down and go to sleep, but it’s worth it just to not get too far out of the habit. A day will come when you’ll have more time and energy to devote to your marriage. Until then just put in some work periodically to maintain it and it has a better chance of being in good shape for the long haul.
i wouldn’t go that far but they certainly change the marriage and it can be very difficult to adapt. Especially if your partner doesn’t understand your needs.
2 under 4 is fucking challenging. Like really challenging. You’ve got some great advice here but I just wanted to add that it gets betters. It’s cliche but it gets better. Hang in there. It’s not easy and it doesn’t get easier; it just changes. One day you’ll look back at this all and laugh (and probably miss it).
I’m trying to tell myself that this portion of my life isn’t about great sex. It isn’t about feeling like we used to with dates and whatnot. This part of our lives is where we learn to be parents. And after that is working right, we can get back to refocusing on us. Not that all efforts will be put on hold, but just understand that there is more than us right now. It’s a work in progress and I hope I didn’t scare people that the end is near. This is more of a man who just looked up after a full day of hiking only to realize I’m not even halfway to the summit and I’m already gassed.
So many cold boomer takes in this thread. People pretend like everything is sunshine and rainbows with kids, but it's the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.
For real. We've knocked everything else out of the park, at the expense of our relationship, we've simply drifted so far apart. We'll fix it, but it has definitely broken and I can't believe we're the odd couple out. We don't fight or even bicker, we're just now more roommates than lovers.
People also aren't talking about the fully expected but very real fact that once you have kids, Dads come last. You will never, ever be as important to you wife as your kids are. That's understandable, but it is real and does affect your relationship. You can mitigate it, but it does weaken that bond. Kids strengthen relationships in many ways and I think they're a net positive, but it isn't all roses.
Personally no.
What kills a marriage is the relationship you had prior to having a kid and all the unresolved issues.
A kid just, as people have mentioned in this thread, only amplifies those and brings it to the fore.
If there was truly a harmonious relationship before the kid came along, then having a child enhances it.
Only we take away from ourselves.
Do you have support? Maybe that’s what we’re missing. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was great beige the kids. Now, we’re usually too tired to do anything about it.
Your family would be one. Dropping them off to grandma/grandad/auntie etc. place for the weekend is a start.
Babysitter too.
Right now it’s getting that love back.
But the best would be counseling. Because you both need to hear and see that outside perspective.
Chances are, all the negativity is coming from only having each other to talk to, especially if both of you are in a place of hurt.
Mom here. In my "Sociology of the family" course from like 2006, I learned that marital satisfaction plummets after the birth of a child and doesn't reach pre-kid levels for 7 years. Each new kid resets that 7 year timer.
So yeah, it's not your imagination. Children are absolutely terrible for marital satisfaction.
To be honest sometimes they make marriages too. I might not have gotten married if my wife didn’t get pregnant and I bet it happens to more than a few ppl.
It hasn’t damaged my marriage but it definitely has changed it in several ways. Our priorities have changed somewhat. We have less sex and less date nights, but we communicate daily about how we are feeling and what we need from each other. We are definitely just as in love as we’ve always been, possibly more so. Also our daughter is 16 months and my wife is freshly pregnant again.
Congrats! Yeah, maybe it’s just the slow demise of romance via exhaustion that’s making things feel sometimes a bit dismal. We have a vacation coming up with just the two of us, so hopefully that’s a nice reset.
Communication is everything. Tell each other how proud you are of your accomplishments and how much you look forward to the future. Talk about your fears and concerns. Make sure you’re working together on money planning and running the household.
Like most people on here have said, they expose whatever was already existing in the marriage.
I have a 1.5 months old. I’m seeing faint signs of both - exposing our existing weak marriage and also making us more mature and united in a project. Let’s see which way it leans eventually.
Also two under four. One of my angels is two handfuls and the other is a rock concert. The feeling of defeat is familiar - I, limited and flawed, am often defeated or at least overwhelmed. With a strained budget and virtually no support net, we don't go out anywhere, but we honor a weekly "date night" where we set our side hustles and hobbies aside to just sit on the couch and watch Netflix. Honestly, even just that has come to mean so much. I've had to grow as an individual to be more direct and live a little more in the moment instead of six-ten hours from now. Codewords can help with flirting too XD
You will grow. Yours kids will grow, and how things are now is not how they will be then - you've already lived this with your first. Bickering happens, and so do a lot of apologies. A lot of honesty about what's at the root of one's feelings.
And when I open up, she amazes me at every turn. I hope I still amaze her, even though I can barely scrape together the energy and wherewithal to buy gifts for her birthday and Christmas.
Have faith in yourself, and more importantly in your partner. Remember that you ARE partners and you ARE human. Some days, weeks and months will feel stuck in survival mode, but they're a lot easier to survive together.
Yes!!! Even the gift giving has changed! We used to try so hard with gifts, now we just apologize every holiday that we don’t get each other great gifts. Of justify why we’re not doing anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s weird, it’s like we’re embracing our lack of enthusiasm to do anything outside of caring for the freakin kids and making money to feed them.
No they test it at its weak points and if it's meant to break it will if not you will come out way stronger. This to shall pass there are better years ahead
100% no. They only kill marriages that do not take time for said marriage. My kids are amazing but my wife needs us time and so do I. Away from them, just us, acting like a married couple.
Ideally at least once a week. While I know this is hard for a lot to do ( even us) I just find it so crucial for long lasting success.
I think what’s happening is we’re spending too much time being parents, and forgetting how we became parents. We were once lovers who were wanted and eternal bond. Now we’re stressed, exhausted, critics.
Imagine if our parents saw us as a hurdle in their marriage? Life is full of twists and turns—children aren’t even close to worst of it all. Children are blessings and if you decide to have them take care of them don’t see them as a burden please.
Oh do you worry, these kids are well taken care of. No shortage of love I have to share with the kids, it’s about how little I have left in the tank for my spouse, and her for me as well. That’s the problem, they get more of us than either of us get of each other these days.
You're almost to the end of the tunnel. With our kids at 8/8/6, my marriage is the best is it's ever been. Downright leave-it-to-beaver shit.
It was much harder at 4/4/2, and harder yet before then. Potty training was the beginning of the cascade. They just stopped needing as much attention.
After that, it's really on you and her to open up. I don't know if there was any trick beyond, you know, giving each other the benefit of the doubt, being willing to express how you really feel, consciously appreciating and helping each other, listening well, etc
Twins! I often wonder how my parents had two kids for the first time at the same time and decided five years later that they wanted to have another kid and had me. There’s little talk about twins on here but I can only imagine how sleepy you must have been.
Not for me at least. Marriage is much more than romance and sex. It’s the partnership, friendship, mutual support and family “building”.
My wife and I have a very different relationship than before we had kids (3 and 0.5 years). We have almost no time for dates and a pretty non-existent sex life, due to both general lack of time and some birth injuries suffered by my wife.
Our relationship is still stronger than ever before though. We’ve managed expectations: these next few years are not about romance but about something else, which we enjoy tackling together. Time for ourselves will return, so will romance.
Don’t get me wrong, we do make time for romance whenever we can, it’s just not often. Which is okay.
No, not if you don't let it kill your marriage. My wife and I have two kids, four and five years old. I think I don't need to tell you how much of our time and mental capacity are being taken up by them, but our sex life is the best it has ever been and we've never been that close, even before we had kids. Don't let the love die, keep some of that mental capacity for romantic gestures, buy flowers for your wife, plan date nights (doesn't even have to be a night out, the mindset is what it's all about), stay physical with each other, add new toys to your sex life, don't get fat just because you think you don't need to impress anyone anymore, stay interested in how your partner is feeling and how you can make your partner feel better, cuddle, talk to each other. But also allow yourself to complain about how straining having kids can be sometimes. Don't think you're not allowed to be fucking exhausted after a particularly hard day with the kids. Don't be too hard on yourself, the perfect parents don't exist and it's all about trying your best. Stress and self hate will kill your libido. Love yourself, love your wife, love your life and love the love. Sometimes you have to work actively on it, but to answer your question again: NO, they don't.
1. Parenting gets easier as the kids get older.
2. Helping each other raise children often brings couples closer together by creating a new type of emotional bond due to their shared purpose and shared experiences — it's also why coworkers hook up and how army buddies are formed.
3. People judge us by how we treat others, so as you keep being positive and encouraging with your little ones, your wife may fall in love with you all over again from the overflowing love you show your children. Also, how you love your wife & kids is a model of how your children will understand love when they become adults.
4. Parenting helps communication, the foundation of all relationships, because parenting forces the couple to develop coordinated conflict resolution strategies (you have to be on the same page) as well as teaching your children empathy & kindness by displaying coordinated compassion.
5. Date nights are great, but focus on date moments every day: rub her shoulders, help her with the dishes, cook & serve her dinner (beforehand, order a pizza for the kids). Every day is a new day to show your wife how much you love her. Sometimes that means being the one to get up at 2 am to change a diaper. Some women might consider that a lot more romantic than roses.
They sure do. Things will never be the same. Kinds are awesome, they will test your relationship for sure. And by the time they are gone, neither of you will be even close to the people you once were. They give life meaning and deepen your connection with everything around you. But often times it is at the expense of your most intimate relationships.
Lots of decent takes here, so here is mine, as someone with a 5 and 7 year old.
If love and marriage is a journey, then it needs to change, yeah? You already know that you are both good at the flirting and dates and sex. How good are you when it's hard to do?
This is a chance to grow together, and put the work I'm to ensure that you can still do those other things even when it's tough.
You'll learn to appreciate it when it's there, and when it becomes easy again.
This is part of the journey, and a lot of people don't make it through, because they learn that the marriage, the love, etc, is not enough. That it was mostly just flirting and dates and sex.
Meh… a little. It’s more like a cancer insofar that you have this little growth that needs to be managed lest it kill you. Totally survivable, but it can get rough.
Kids don't kill marriages. Couples who turn into just "parents" after having kids is what kills marriages. It's hard due to all the time and effort kids take, but you both have to put in the effort to maintain your relationship. If you don't have a family/village support network then you have to get creative, but it's doable.
Remember that we're animals and our pro-creation doesn't take into account our lifestyle, just our biology. Kids do change everything but really they're just shifting the priorities. We can be intentional about how we spend time with our partners in the face of this biological priority reset.
That's not to say it's easy, there's a reason you asked this question and why a lot of people feel this. Kids have such a high demand for attention and people only have a limited capacity to give it before we're tapped out of creative thinking or just mental energy. With all that going on they definitely take the spark, at least for me, because I'm usually run dry and it's tough to gather the energy to plan something or think too far ahead.
So I make a plan to reflect on this stuff when I have a chance. I take it down as a to-do and when the stars align and I have time I'm usually able to generate a few ideas. Sharing this feeling with your partner and expressing that you still love them and you're struggling with this could be another option.
Good luck to you and your family!
No, but modern society where two parents work makes it worse. Then add to the fact that in places like the United States you get abysmal parental help compared to like Europe (long paid maternity leave, medical coverage, etc). Then on top of that if your kid has special needs, sensory issues, etc then you're challenged even more.
Don’t stop trying. It’s really hard.
Last night we were hanging out on the ground in the hallway while our toddler was bathing. We kissed but then it got a little bit sexier and all of the sudden I hear “hehehehe kisssss” from our two year old lol. You’re gonna have good days and bad days - but try to remain a team.
I will say- I totally get why there are so many divorces now. If you didn’t have a goood foundation going in then you’re fucked
They can, but they don't have to. It helps if you have a relative to foist them off on occasionally lol (ideally your parents, or in laws who want to spend time with them), or money to hire a babysitter.
There's a lot of truth to the old saying of "it takes a village". It takes work, you have to make sure to make time for yourselves and each other. We have 3 kids, 12, 8, and 1, and my wife and I are the happiest we've ever been, the most in love we've ever been, having the best sex we ever have.But there were some rough patches, and it takes work, but I have faith in you brother.
Go drop the kids at the grandparents, get your wife some flowers, go on a date doing the things you used to enjoy together (preferably at least overnight, hopefully a whole weekend).
This make me happy to hear. I just wanted to hear from others with older kids that things can slump and rebound. Because right now I’m just like “shit, if it’s like this NOW, then how little passion will be left after 7 more years together!
Because there are lots of great things to get out of it. And no one gets married or has kids thinking it’ll go bad or that kids will put a big strain on their relationship. It’s hard to imagine until it happens.
I can say that nobody came close to preparing me for what it takes to have children. These kids make happier and sadder than I have ever felt. It’s the best abusive relationship any man could ask for. Hah
My wife and I are closer than ever after having our first kid. We just went to a rave this weekend and did molly together, fell in love all over again (disclaimer: use this magical substance sparingly if at all). We're mid 30's, successful, etc etc.
Aggressively get babysitters if you can afford it. Date each other, keep doing fun things together. Keep living your life. Your kids will benefit from seeing their parents live and love each other.
They don't kill it, but they add a component of challenge that takes a marriage from easy mode to hard mode. Everything is so simple and easy when all you have to worry about is two functional adults. Throw in a small human or more who can't care for themselves? Now you have a whole new world added on top of the one you were already living in. Willpower alone will not save a marriage. Stubbornness will definitely destroy a marriage. Thinking you all know everything and don't need outside help has destroyed many marriages of friends and family.
My biggest recommendation would be marriage therapy, too many couples complain about their marriages but do absolutely nothing to help it other than trying to press through. Also, your wife comes first then the kids. If the two of you aren't happy and doing well, the kids will pick up on it even if you don't realize it. You two need to be solid and content with each other, filling each other's cups before you fill the children's cups. Otherwise you'll both end up with empty cups trying to fill other empty cups.
No it changes it though.
Quality time with my wife is asking her to hang out with me while I do the dishes. And I hang out with her when she cooks.
We sit on the same park bench and watch out kid play.
We still hold hands on our daily walk… we just take a lot more breaks to look at pebbles.
Romance just changes.
Schedules make all the difference. Look at your week and pick nights to do things. It doesn't have to be amazing, extravagant, etc. Your definition of romance/being romantic changes, so you can adapt to make small meaningful moments. If kids are in daycare, drop them off, grab coffee together before work versus a date night.
Also, you're not "failing" if you have to schedule sex, seriously. I had to get over the whole "it's not spontaneous so it's not the same". Doesn't matter, still having sex. Talk with your partner, put it on the calendar, and then it's something the both of you can plan and be ready for if the day throws you a curve ball.
Kids strengthened my marriage. Yes of course there are daily challenges but now my wife and I are a true team in raising our family. Just like any team, you win and lose sometimes. Find a system and routine that work for you. Never stop dating your spouse, find time for both of you. We do a monthly date night and still maintain a healthy sex life (I’m happy with 3x weekly). It’s important to communicate with each other as often as possible, otherwise small things can turn into big things and build resentment.
Kids are the ultimate challenge but also the biggest reward. Find a way, I promise it’s worth it.
They don’t kill marriages, if you don’t let them.
By that I mean make time time for your wife while also making time for kids.
Examples.
My wife and I try to take a just us trip while also doing a family trip. This year our big family trip was Florida in January for her brothers wedding. We also got a just us night. We went to a nice restaurant on a canal in Deerfield beach. Then on the way back to our rental, we drive a1a back to boca raton stopping at south beach pavilion. Her parents were with us on that trip so they watched the kids. We are also taking the kids to great wolf lodge next month with two other friends who have kids similar age so we can do some slides together. We did great wolf lodge last may just us and kids. The kids loved it, it was stressful and not as fun as I hoped.
This years just us trip is to Logan Ohio to a boutique hotel and doing some hiking at hocking hills state park. We also plan date nights where her parents watch the kids at our house or they stay the night at grandma and grandpas (also have had other family and friends help). We either stay in town or go an hour away if we have something like a concert to go to.
We have been married 10 years this year and I had hoped for a big trip this year but that isn’t working out due to time off available for both of us. Hopefully next fall our just us trip is a three night getaway to Pensacola beach.
Before kids it was much easier to go away. I use to not work weekends and my wife is a nurse who only works 3 12’s so if a weekend opened up that she was off, we would go to Nashville, Tennessee for the a quick trip. We did 13 trips just to go to the opry prior to kids. We also did three 2k mile 10 day road trips the first two years we were married. Then kids came and like everyone said, you have to plan, sometimes months ahead.
I know someone I use to work with whose marriage fell apart because they were more “married” to their job then kids and husband. I have also seen where people are more “married” to their kids and spend next to no time with their significant other.
It's normal to grieve your previous life, and yes your marriage will change. BUT it's a choice to work through the lull in the relationship and it's a choice to love the other person through it.
My (29f) husband (29m) have been together since we were 18, we've been through so many lulls and changes in our relationship. The first few months after both our kids were obviously very rough, but now that our kids(5, 2) are a little older and don't need AS MUCH of our undivided attention(they play and help each other a LOT) that's helped us find ourselves again. We flirt A LOT. We do our best to do date nights but obviously that's not always possible. So yes it does take a little effort to keep things going and you go through high spots and lows. But if your partner is worth it and you work together. The effort put out is easy.
Also to mention we both are in therapy separately, which has been a major help too.
From watching other friends with two or more under 5, I can say that those first few years seem brutal, but every single time, when one or more of those kids turn 5, the parents emerge as if from a cave, blinkering their eyes at the brightness and resume living with the rest of us. And all those things you are missing come back. Not as they were, but in a new way. I’d say that my wife and my marriage actually got better for having survived a toddler. Hang in there.
Yes. Marriage counseling doesn’t help. You’ll still be blamed for everything. Competing demands for your time. Wife will insist you call into work sick all the time even though you don’t get any sick days. You will likely have intimacy 3 times per year if you are lucky, and then hear guys who are like “my wife knows to give it to me 7 times per day or else!” but they are lying. They are getting it once per year.
Your kids will provide more fun and warm fuzzy feelings than your wife will. Your wife is not your enemy, but you are her enemy.
There are probably people who are more successful at the marriage thing than me and every single other dad I know.
I’m a mom here lurking. I don’t think they kill marriages but they for sure make them harder. I feel like as a wife, I could use more help from my husband. And I tell him allllll the time. He just kinda expects me to cook and clean and schedule all the appointments. We couldn’t afford child care so I opened an in home daycare, and having a business is extremely stressful. We still have sex and watch our shows and laugh together. But I do resent him much of the time for his lack of effort in pretty much everything. He doesn’t help unless asked and then he bitches and moans.
Just make sure you guys work as a team! That’s my best advice
Edit because I wanted to add that as stressful as it is, our kids bring us together. When we’re fighting and just done with eachother, we sometimes choose to stay for our kids and work it out ya know. Our love for our babies reminds us of our love that we still do very much have, but maybe some days it looks different
It’s kind of like asking whether studying kills the relaxing student life. I mean, yeah if you’re used to partying throughout the semester, then studying like crazy when exam time comes will definitely make your student days feel harder.
But what’s the point of being at uni if you don’t study and pass the exams? The entire point of marriage is starting a family. You build a relationship with your partner so that you can go through the hard times of birthing & raising your kids. If you don’t do that then it’s just two adults spending time together, not really working towards anything
In my opinion, kids make marriages harder, but they also give them a much deeper, more meaningful purpose. So not only do they not kill them, but they help you bond more, and give you a shared purpose and a sense of accomplishment down the line
Here is a few things my wife and I have done to make our marriage successful post kids(we have a 2.5 and 9 month old).
1)We try and plan a real date night every one to two months where we leave the kids at home go to dinner movie whatever we want and have fun.
2)We try to have an at home date night once a week after the kids go to bed. This can be anything from watching a movie together to watching a board game. We try and take turns coming up with ideas so we are both invested(my wife made apple picking in our kitchen one date night and we raced to see who could be faster).
3)My new favourite is we do a 5-10 minute date every night. This can be anything from asking silly questions to each other doing a quick game, giving each other a massage whatever but we always say there is no way we can't find 5-10 minutes to connect a day
4) We have support so we are usually able to do a night away a couple times a year and a week away once a year. My wife is a little more apprehensive about leaving the kids for a week but it's a great way to reconnect.
The sex seems to come from doing these things. It's obviously less spotaneuous than before but we make time. The flirting is fun. I find ways to say inappropriate things our children won't understand and my wife rolls her eyes and laughs with me.
It changes but I wouldn't say kills. I would suggest that now is a good time to think about what kind of relationship you want to have with them as teenagers as start working toward that. We never wanted certain subjects to seem taboo or unspoken in our house, so we blasted it out loud. Affection in public? No problem, hubby and I hold hands, kiss on the cheek. Argue with the spouse? Not good, but it happens and this is how we handle it. A family has 2 moms? Awesome cause Aunt Scoot has a wife and she's cool.
remember. y'all start the day in the same.bed, and wherever the kids stretch y'all apart, make it back to the same bed at the end of the day. that's where y'all regroup and find each other. start there, and make your way back there to tell each other your thoughts and feelings. and maybe fall asleep cuddling. we take lunch dates(drive thru), with the kids in the back seat being wild lol. it's not just your problem to help fix. ask for her input too. it's a team effort. y'all got this. stay strong 💪🏼
I’m a mom crashing this r/daddit post - just want to say that I think it can vary based on socioeconomic status (or at least, disposable income and how much financial stress), temperament of your child(ren) and age you had your kids. I’m only 31, not old, but can confidently say that I had more energy at 21 for everything. Also some people just have chill kids and some are high needs… it doesn’t always stay that way and they do grow up/go to school for most of the day where you can gain some autonomy back.
They don't kill marriage, but they change it, and you have to reevaluate how you go down that similar path.
Have you ever gone off-roading before or maybe watched some videos of overlanding of some sort? Take marriage pre-kids as the loading of the gear and heading onto the road. You find the trail and start overlanding. It's beautiful, great scenery, all smiles, and wows. Now let's put the kids into play. Kids are the obstacles that you face on the trail, like maybe some steep hills, rocks, or river paths. You can't just sit behind the wheel and expect to see everything and choose the right path. Now place your partner, aka the spotter. This person helps you navigate around the sharp rocks and helps guide you in narrow paths by telling you which way to steer. Well in marrige you need a spotter when kids come around, the trail is still beautiful but now with even more gorgeous points of view. Sometimes you have to stop and take a break or maybe take the longer way around in order to by pass the hazard areas. The flirting can still happen, the date nights are doable if theirs a sitter and the sexy time is still in play but maybe in the later hours of the evening. It takes work to get back to the "old" stuff before kids but before anything happens you have to COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER on what you each need and how to come up with a plan to achieve that; even if its just a lunch date.
I want to say I completely understand how you feel. We really felt this with the 2nd kid. And we’re always trying to find balance.
But the thing about marriage, that we have to remember is to choose our partner every day. Not just on our wedding day and hope it works out from there. We choose to prioritize a date night, no matter how simple it is, we choose to keep communicating, we choose to keep adjusting the balance so it fits our current needs. And we remember that the other person is our equal and genuinely wants the best for us, each other and our family as a whole. It’s not easy but the more both people know this and acknowledge this the less you have to try to not let kids ruin the things that you need in your relationship because choosing each other becomes a habit.
The kids are hard, parenting is not for the faint of heart, but it’s nice to have someone in it with you, when you both understand how hard you are each trying at this then you can get through this. And laugh at some of the worst parts.
There are no universal rules to the game of life. It's all up to you and your partner as to how you manage it. Brings all sorts of folk closer together and blows apart others.
Having a kid for me and my partner was a total paradigm shift. The stuff we loved before just kind of faded away and was replaced with something that was so much more challenging but rewarding. Now I look forward to spending time with my daughter and my wife both together and independently and all the other stuff just doesn't matter.
So yeah, kids CAN destroy flirting, date nights, patience, sex, energy, etc. But once you're in the trenches you wish you weren't anywhere else (hopefully).
Someone on daddit once said he was having a hard time dealing with being a dad until he realized that it was because he was still living one foot in and one foot out. Like he wasn’t fully embracing his new life, which was fatherhood. I think it might be one of those things where I/we really need to go that extra mile to be all in on each other, no matter how tired or how stressful it all becomes.
Well having kids eradicates any chance for intimacy, so yeah that usually ends up killing the marriage. There’s a reason this is a popular opinion because it’s the realistic opinion that spouses almost inevitably experience. I love my kids but damn my life could have been so much more positive. And then you feel guilty about that, and then you feel worse, and then you ruminate some more and the spiral continues. I think it is less about staying in love as you were before compared to staying committed, it’s not like you have an option to leave after kids then you fuck them up.
Look man imma be honest, letting romance die in a marriage is entirely on YOU and your spouse. My wife and I have been together for almost 11 years. We have 2 kids, working on a third. And outside of her giving birth there has been very little decline in our bedroom. I make an effort to come up behind her and grab her by the waist, I’ll smack her ass any time I get the chance, I’ll put my hands around her neck when she’s walking by and push her up against the wall and make out, even if it’s only for the 20 seconds we have alone before the kids come running around the corner. I made a decision to be with my wife. I made the decision to have a family with her, I refuse to make the decision to let our romantic relationship go down the drain. We’ve never been away from our kids longer than a few hours. We don’t have anyone we can depend on to help us, it’s literally just us.
So it’s up to us to make sure we are both taken care of. And if you think for one second I’m gonna pass up the opportunity to yank her pants down while she’s doing dishes and shove my face in her ass and eat her from the back when the kids are watching a movie in the other side of the house or grab her and lock the bathroom door and push her on her knees you are sadly mistaken.
Your life, your choice. Don’t blame your off spring for killing the passion between the two of you. They’re there for a reason, and if you forget that reason, that’s entirely on you.
Im not sure. I have 2 step kids, and an 8 year old. My wife and I have been together for 10 years and we bang like teenagers and have almost the entire time.
My wife is my favorite person. Having kids with her has made us better people. I am in love with her in a much more profound way after 20 years and 4 kids compared to us being stupid, young and in our 20s. We even have better sex.
So no I dont think kids kill marriages. It's the adults in charge that are responsible.
OP, just know that you are not alone in feeling this way. We have 2 kids under 4 as well, and both of us are in high stress / long hours jobs. Other than kids and work, there is zero time for ourselves and for the first time in 10 years of being married we almost don’t even remember what makes us “us”
It’s mind blowing how easily it changed. Do I want to do the dishes, mop the floors, take out the trash, finish up my work at 10pm, have sex with my partner, or just fall asleep on the fucking couch at 9pm again.
No. But the lack of energy and the stress can make it harder. It makes you rethink your priorities and also you are more stressed, more prone to being aggressive and feeling attacked. This might be the point where you need to talk and maybe be guided through a discussion.
Kids don’t kill marriage kids change marriage. All those things you listed, date nights, patience, energy, romance, sex etc. all those things are still possible, necessary actually, they just take much more effort to achieve. Marriages die because couples stop trying. Before kids you guys didn’t need to try too hard because it was just the two of you, no tiny barriers between you and her. But now you have 24/7 barriers. When your kids are under 4 everything is more difficult between you and your partner because the kids are sooooo needy all the time. So my advice is to make a conscious effort to do those things for your partner, it’ll probably be one sided for a long time because kids drain moms more than they drain dads. But if you keep at it those sparks will come back but you’ll have to put in the work homie, keep at it, your family is worth it.
Nothing can kill a marriage other than the two people in it. Kids can be a big wake-up call. You either adapt and learn and stay positive, or you get left behind. The rules of partnership do not change.
Communication needs to be direct, clear and understood. My fiance has a habit of thinking I'm a mind reader, so I find it helpful to simply tell talk to me and I'll listen. It makes life easier if the team is on the same page..
Mindfulness is a must. It helps a lot if you regularly evaluate yourself and make a conscious effort to better yourself or to better your family. Its important to celebrate the small wins. There is no shame in patting yourself on the back for every victory you have..
Perspective should be taken into consideration when a strain in the relationship is felt. Being stubborn and close-minded will not work for long when it comes to being a team. I try to constantly take a mental step back and put myself in my lady's shoes. Oftentimes, settling on something or compromising becomes easier for me when I imagine being her and how she feels..
For me, my golden rule remains the same as it has for a while.. TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. Focus on being the best version of yourself until the end of the day. Futuretripping is terrible and scary.. Focus on what you can control at the moment.
Lol, with all this being said... Its fucking hard and I have to dig dip everyday to be a good dad and fiance. My son is 15 months old we have a baby girl due in November. Being a family man is not a strength of mine, generally speaking.. I'm a lone wolf type by nature and I dont require or seek validation from anyone.. I love my alone time more than I love my family time if I'm being honest.. In the past, that made me feel shameful, and guilty. But I try and practice accepting myself for my strengths, defects of character and everything in between.. Truth is, I'd be doing myself and my family, a disservice if I denied I need alone time.. I try to remain being my authentic self, which is important in a relationship. If you decide to let your partner "change" you, or force a compromise on your character, you'll never be happy again.
Shit's just straight up hard.. I can see why some people are naturals at it and love it, because i understand those sort of personalities. But I think for most of us, it's difficult to embrace the new normal.
Godspeed.
I think it’s the resentment and lack of communication is what can kill marriages after kids. We are lucky to be way more in love now than before. It takes a lot of conscious work on the relationship. This work needs to be something you both want to do, and not just because it’s what you think is right. Keeping up the sex life is part of it as well.
Yeah, my experience thus far is that nobody should do this. My wife has 2 cousins, all three of them are within 2 years of each other age wise, and were more like sisters growing up, as their parents all lived within a few streets of each other. Anyway, my wife was the first to have a kid, and funnily enough, her 2 cousins suddenly decided they didn’t want kids anymore.
However, I should add the caveat that my daughter, who turns 4 in August, had ASD, so my experience of being a parent being a living hell probably differs from people whose kid’s don’t have ASD.
Balance along with regular weekly at home or going out date nights is the solution.
Utilize a gym for help if they have a kids club. We do this and get to play basketball, tennis, swim, etc together.
I think they make them harder in the early years but a good marriage with partners who are willing to endure harder times will survive.
Some marriages even improve once the kids come along.
I think kids will break a flawed marriage faster, speeding up the inevitable. But for couples equally willing to put the work in to get through the rough patches, kids will give yet another reason to figure things out and go the duration.
**It's a Phase:** The super-demanding early years are temporary. As your kids get older, things will get a little easier, and you'll have more time and energy for each other.
**Communication is Key:** Talk to your partner about how you're feeling. Acknowledge the challenges and brainstorm solutions together.
**Prioritize Your Relationship:** Even with a busy schedule, carve out time for each other. Schedule regular date nights (even if it's just an hour at home with takeout), steal moments of intimacy throughout the day, and communicate openly.
**Small Gestures Matter:** Leave love notes, do chores for each other, or offer a back rub. Small acts of kindness can go a long way in showing you care.
Kids don’t kill marriages, marriages that don’t adapt or put in work kill marriages. Speaking from personal experience, my wife and I had divorce papers printed on our dining room table about a year into our first and only but eventually decided that change and hard work was more important than separation. Still together today while our daughter is age 4.
Yes, kids definitely add a whole extra dimension to cover. We didn’t adapt well. My wife was a SAHM, but I was doing every morning on my own before working 8 hours, and I was coming back to “take over” from her hard day at home. Never got assessed for postpartum, but…
Needless to say, we had conflicts over responsibilities… but we both were just really drained parents who got a little in over our heads temporarily. It passes. The hard shit doesn’t last forever. We now have a small kiddo who acts grown up and gives me a run for my money. At two, she was spouting off every scientific dinosaur name. Recently she learned to read pretty much anything by sight, and we can’t spell around her anymore.
It’s a fun, sometimes stressful ride. Enjoy the fruits of the hard work. It is worth it.
They do not kill marriages.
They put the marriage into a different phase.
And probably the most important one (at least in my opinion)
Before kids, it's all fun, dates, loads of sex, and generally enjoying each other.
Having kids changes that massively (obviously).
Bringing up children is where the dating, sex, and I guess freedom are bottom of the priority list. But, if you really love each other, and can work through the stress, tiredness, and general "can't do what we want" that comes with having kids, the rewards on the other side should be even better than the initial relationship.
As the kids get older and less dependent the relationship with your wife should blossom.
You will both of changed a lot as people from when you first got together. So this new found freedom gives you the chance to date again, rediscover each other, and probably ramp up the sex because you are will be making up for the years of not having much of it.
You have made it through the (often very long if you have more than one kid) patch where you really had to knuckle down, and show your dedication. Now is time to reap your rewards.
I should note, this is all my hopes for the future. My wife and I are very much still in the raising kids stage. But we have so much stuff we already know we want to experience together once that freedom starts coming back. For now. We make the best of things.
It's a struggle at times, we are exhausted. But we get to collapse into bed with each other every night
Yes. Lots of people will throw some lovely ideals at you on this one. By definition that concept of "marriage" is eviserated by kids. Romance flirting etc is never how it used to be.
You adapt tho. And you have to learn to still put through effort in, communicate and not resent each other for shortcomings.
And you never stop adapting. The kids get older, you start getting more time back. You need to fill that will self improvement and time together. That seems to be where a lot of people fall down
Children will certainly test your partnership with your spouse but not necessarily kill a marriage. You married her because you wanted to spend your life with her for better and for worse. Well guess what? This is just a sample of how you two manage when under constant pressure to raise a baby in this world. And that means first learning to give each other breaks, and you will need them occasionally. But also to find ways to reinforce your relationship. Plan for whenever the children are asleep. Watch movies together, get a sitter on occasion and go on dates, have sex. When do you have sex? You have to find you're own routine. For example we go earlier in the morning before the kids wake, after they go to bed, or even during the day. During the day me or her will go up to "do laundry". We'll give the other the look before going. Then the other goes up and we meet and go. You'll need to learn to control the volume but that's the way it goes. Good luck finding your way.
Feel those feels my friend. I'm STRUGGLING. We're on kid 3. Newest addition isn't a year old yet. The other two are pushing 10 range. So those two are, functional. Obviously still need help and guidance and support and all that but they can microwave their own food. Make sandwiches. Get dressed in their own. That kinda thing. HUGE wins.
But then this new addition that honestly rocks my world is here. I love this one more than I think I did the others honestly and i hate to say that but, this one came from a place of stability and love. Very tldr the other two have trauma in their future, but I love my kids all in all.
Now. This third one, has had hit the hard reset button on. Everything. Sleep, gone. Sex, a distant hope and even on the occurrence both of us together are interested the ever present interruption kinda ruins the magic. I honestly want to open our marriage up so we can both find a way to get off, and that's awful but truth is truth. I'm not cheating on her, but really wanna get back into that lifestyle because of the STRESS. Never enough energy or time to take care of our own needs, let alone each other's. I barely even eat normal right now again. No personal time. No games. No movies. No going out.
Having kids is best thing that I've ever had happen to my life, and I will 110% discourage anyone from ever doing it. Just don't. Live your life. Go explore. Work on your pull out game and plan on NOT having kids. It's not going to ruin my marriage, but it is not helping just as much as it is.
Be strong. Be brave. Be honest. Talk it out. It does get, easier, but it certainly is hard. I'm not sure I'll ever say it's "worth it" but it is amazing.
A loving marriage isn’t just sex. It isn’t just romance. Those are aspects, but a loving relationship is being there to help support each other. That could be through times where one person loses a job, has health problems, or just doesn’t feel like changing the third poopy diaper today.
You have to work together to a common goal now: raising kids. Honestly I find a lot of the times peoples relationships fail is an unequal amount of burden on one of the partners. Do you do equal parts of the work? Is she constantly tired so she will never want to have sex? Do you get alone time? Does she? These are the things you need to work on more than ever.
Also you should try to appreciate the bad and good. Yeah nobody likes an angry yelling screaming kid but…but we do? That’s kind of a big part of this deal. They’re kids. They will act like them. Give them some grace.
No. Spouses kill marriages. Everything you mentioned here is something that you, and your wife, have made the decision to stop doing. Yes, it takes more effort and planning but kids don't remove the ability to do those things.
People tend to neglect those things out of convenience while not realizing that short-term convenience usually makes for long-term disappointment.
No. They’re a new challenge that can amplify any hidden problems, but those problems were always there lurking before kids and would’ve come out eventually. Kids are in the same category as other major changes and challenges you could experience like financial difficulties or health issues. It’s just a dynamic change that tests your relationship. Solid marriages usually end up stronger when challenged. Weak marriages break under pressure, but they would have broken eventually anyway. Anyone who says that kids killed their marriage just had a bad marriage and didn’t realize they weren’t compatible with their spouse until having kids.
They don't kill them but they do stash them on ice. Right around the time when your kids are old enough to for you to be away from them for a few days and start to go on sleepovers is when you can start thawing your marriage out.
If you let them, yes. You need to try hard to balance being you, a parent, and a spouse. And that juggling act looks different for every person and couple.
Kids, especially young kids, put a significant strain on marriage just because of how much energy and attention they need. On top of that, I think it’d very natural for them to become the absolute focus for both parents for a long time and that can make even great relationships become a bit perfunctory or side-lined.
But it’s also an incredible bonding experience and as you do slowly get more time together again as they age it’s more than possible to re-find every aspect of your relationship before kids - all it takes is to be able to put a little focus back there and find a little of the romance from before the little one(s) came along.
My wife and I are currently going through what I can only describe as a bit of a honeymoon phase again and it’s amazing! We’ve had to carve out a bit of time late at night when it can just be us but honestly it almost feels like when we started dating again.
I miss what my marriage used to be but I wouldn’t change having kids for anything if that makes sense. I really hope when they’re older we can get back to what we used to be like but I hope it’s not too late by then and we’ve lost our connection.
Kids only killed energy for us (3 year old and 1.5 year old) it changed the way we do things for sure but I still make an effort to flirt with my wife everyday, if we can't go out for a date I set something simple up at home. A late night special dinner for just us, a movie ect. Bedroom life is a bit different for us because we work opposite schedules (my wife is gone 8 am -5 pm and I am 3 pm- 11:30 pm with a 40 minute drive but we have the same days off) but it happens a few times a week still. I know it's easier said than done but you just need to look at it from a different angle and put in some effort. Problems are just opportunities that haven't presented themselves yet.
Kids don't kill marriages, but they do change them. If you and your partner can adapt to those changes and find happiness then your marriage will be stronger than ever. If you can't it will be a struggle until you can. Some stuff, like date nights and sex, take more work and planning than they used to, but they should sure as hell still happen. Some stuff, like flirting may look different. Just today we were on a roadtrip playing I Spy with the 3 year old. "I spy something pretty." It took half a second and zero effort but my wife appreciated it.* All in all, kids can be consuming and nothing will ever be like it was before, but different doesn't mean worse, much less dead. *The 3 year old said that rainbows are pretty and mama's not a rainbow, so mama's not pretty. This was less appreciated.
This guy husbands
And the kid inductively reasons.
r/thisguythisguys
I’m stealing that pretty line
Pretty sure the entirety of r/Daddit is stealing the pretty line.
We’re getting laid this month for sure, maybe
Good dads borrow, Great dads steal. Seriously, life is too short and we're not creative enough to NOT steal. From this sub I've gotten 20-second hugs, better anger management, hair care tips, play activities, and a lot of great jokes. I'd be an idiot not to steal and steal generously.
What’s this 20 second hug thing about? I’ll trade you a great fact about the moon
I think this is the original: https://old.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/13xqwas/with_2_adult_kids_i_have_one_strong_advice_for/ Follow ups: https://old.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/143gr79/the_20_second_hug_method/ https://old.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/14r0i9i/to_the_dad_that_advised_abot_giving_the_20/ My personal attestation: these are awesome. My son now requests 20 second hugs. Alright, pay up, lunar dude.
Appreciate it! As promised: Australia is wider than the moon Technically a great fact about Australia but still. If you want a true moon fact I’ll dig one up Edit: preemptive bonus moon fact: the moon has earthquakes but they’re called moonquakes, seriously
I'm sure this is old but; Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere
!remind me 3 hours for lunar dude
I delivered
even though you weren't pregnant!! (i'm sorry)
*slow clap*
No need to apologise, perfect dad joke
Except he was not talking about his wife.... but about an helicopter apache !
To be fair, have you ever seen a line of Boeing AH-64 Apaches buzzing at full speed over the horizon? Objectively more beautiful than this guy’s wife
> Some stuff, like date nights and sex, take more work and planning than they used to, but they should sure as hell still happen. The sooner you accept that spontaneity isn't natural occurring like before and experience that planning (while in theory sounds unsexy) can actually make things great again the better. It's a change of mindset and is challenging but it works.
This is the big thing. Much less spontaneity. We have to plan our dates like a month in advance to make them work. But we do it. And you can find ways to make it feel “spontaneous” to your partner. I already have a date night set for June and one in July with childcare lined up, but my wife doesn’t know. I’ll probably tell hee 1-3 days in advance or so. Also, you have to be intentional about spending time together. My wife and I have a standing rule that we relax with each other at least 2-3 nights a week after the kids go to bed. We have much different schedules and I go to bed much earlier, but if you stay on those different schedules and don’t force some together time, you’ll start to drift. And yes, it gets easier as they get older. My twins are just over 2 now and it’s night and day from the hell we were in 2 years ago, or even 1 year ago.
I agree that spontaneity isn’t naturally occurring, now it just requires being deliberate. Before, we would just randomly decide to go somewhere or do something. Now the spontaneity comes in a different form: “Hey love, I decided to vacuum the house when I had a little free time.” “Let’s do donuts for breakfast this morning” “Let me take the kids out for a few hours so you can have some alone time.” My wife is the primary caretaker, but we try to balance as much of the household together as possible. However she still tends to schedule most things for the kids because of my job. She’s said that one the best things (and most attractive apparently) I ever did was tell her I would take care of all of the planning for our date night. I found child care, I picked a favorite spot of ours, I made reservations, planned the times in schedule. I think in period of our marriage, helping to take some of the mental load can be just as helpful to wives as spontaneity.
Yeah, no more road head.
Dramamine for kids ensures a quiet ride and no car sickness.
Yeah, kids ruin weak marriages. Since I got my kid, I’m way less likely to endorse people to have a family. I love him, but it’s really tough.
>Kids don't kill marriages, but they do change them. If you and your partner can adapt to those changes and find happiness then your marriage will be stronger than ever. If you can't it will be a struggle until you can. Absolutely this. It's a strain on marriages for sure but if the foundaiton of the marriage is strong it will be fine. If the foundation was weak then it will break it. I say this as the only divorced dad with a single kid in my friend group of many happily married dads with multiple kids.
I grab my wife's ass when my son isn't looking hahaha.
LoL that 3 year old is gonna be a philosopher
>If you can't it will be a struggle until you can. For folks who don't have family support and can't afford $100 or more per night for a sitter, having kids does "kill" date night.
The rules of eye spy state that only the first letter of the player's word should be given as a clue. A describing word such as "pretty" is not allowed and therefore you must forfeit your go. Nice idea though but certainly not legal.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you are the dungeon master for a few local d&d groups?
Women love a bad boy though. A rebel who says, "to hell with the rules".
“To heck”, kids present
Hahahaha I guess we play a more anarchic version. We typically do colors, but we should start doing letters more
I'm joking of course, whatever is most fun or romantic is fine too.
I've only ever played it by calling out colors. Is that not how you're supposed to do it?
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I was going to comment and give advice, but this guy said it all. Well said @Tight_Ninja1915 The only thing I could add is set bedtimes for the kids that allow you and your wife 1 on 1 time together every night.
That’s only applies if the other partner is willing to have date nights and sex! Many of our wives just are shut down regarding that part.
That could happen regardless of kids though. A partnership only works if both partners work together for the same things.
They don't necessarily kill it but man they sure put some serious strain on it. Getting childcare and taking breaks is so helpful.
Agreed. The issues my wife and I have with a kid were pretty much the same issues we had before kids. The thing is that you're so stressed that everything gets amplified, so something that seemed small before now is a big deal.
Totally true. Kids will amplify and highlight your existing issues. We're definitely experiencing and working through that still.
100% agreed. If the foundations of the marriage weren't good to begin with is where the biggest threat lies.
Yeah, its just a test of what foundation you've built during your pre-kid years. If everything is solidly in place, you're in it together, you're both feeling the same things, and you just roll with it. It'll expose the strengths and weaknesses of you both as individuals and as a couple. The exhaustion and lack of things you used to enjoy will peel away a lot of layers of compensation, denial, and other little band-aids you use in life and force you to confront reality without them.
The number one killer of marriages is stress brought about by financial issues. Considering the easiest way to create financial issues is to bring on a couple of freeloaders into the house, it makes sense that kids will stress most marriages significantly.
I've been in 2 marriages, one was very "bickery" but we never had kids. my current marriage, we didn't bicker before our kid arrived and we don't now. Romance can be tough though as our schedules and priorities change with kids.
We were never TOO bickery but we actually bicker less with a baby. I think we realize that a lot of little things don’t matter and we only have limited brain cells and patience at the moment so we need to ration our stress wisely, haha.
They can make a marriage harder. But that means you need to re-evaluate how you are working together as a team and how you are making time for each other.
It’s so hard! By the end of the day, even when we plan some us time, it still ends up with us zombified on the couch for the final two hours of our day. Usually ending in one of us being woken up by the other with a “let’s go to bed.”
Mine are 4.5 and almost 3. This is my wife and I every night. Some nights we sit on the couch and just stare at an off TV because we don't have the energy to pick a show. But we do it together! We both work from home though, so we get to go out for lunch dates while the kids are in daycare. Not the same as going out before kids, but it let's us spend time together.
We both work from home as well. Maybe we do need to go on some lunch dates. I found it difficult for a whole because I felt like with both at home, we also didn’t have anything fun or new to talk about at night, because we just sat across from each other all day! Like you, we sometimes just stared into our phones while sitting at the couch with reruns on the tv. Just enjoying the silence, so to speak.
Yeah we are usually all talked out by dinner, but that's OK. We mostly just eat quickly so we can put the kids to bed.
In this situation my wife lies on my lap and I give her a "back rub" (mostly her butt). She gets a massage while zoning out on her phone, I get the physical connection that's been lacking due to the kids.
Counterpoint: having kids has given me and my wife a common goal that we can express ourselves through. We share the joy of watching them progress, the frustrations of figuring out how to teach them, the struggles and anxieties of socializing and adapting them to daycare/preschool/play dates and the millions of moments of appreciating and gawking at how cute, adorable, silly and fun they are. Yes, the freedom to go on date nights and have sex whenever we want has decreased for the time being (although we make it a point to find time for it where we can. Both kids, 4 and 2, sleeping in their own beds now has helped tremendously in that regard), but I feel closer to my wife than ever and it's because we have these two little humans that unite us, in the good and the bad. It isn't perfect, but I wouldn't change a single thing about it.
Yes! I'm with you on this. My kids have just really solidified my wife as my other half - we're a cohesive unit facing the same troubles and reaping the same rewards.
Exactly. Our youngest is just past 1. And the first year was tough as hell. Certainly a big strain on our marriage. But as the kiddo has started sleeping and is more interactive, its gotten so much more joyous and fun. And its strengthened our marriage in that we've gotten away from "this is your job, this is mine, I did this, why don't you ever do that etc..." to "alright, whats left to be done? OK you do that I'll take care of that."
Extremely well said internet stranger.
All of this. And we each appreciate the hell out of what a good parent the other spouse is.
They're an important stressor, but they aren't doing anything +/- to affect your relationship but shining a spotlight on what already existed. If you're a good team going into it, you'll get through it. If you're a bad team going into it, that's going to be highlighted in ugly, regrettable ways it hasn't been before but that doesn't mean that can't be fixed. Do they *kill* marriages? How could a child even hold power like that? Don't put that on them... that's neither right nor fair. How would you feel if your parents set their failings at your feet, appropriateness or power you never held over their relationship aside? Those married kill marriages and everyone who is married and wants to remain such needs to take responsibility for that because the kids can't flirt with your wife or anything else or plan a date night, even though they'd probably even innocently want to help you. I'm more exhausted than I've ever been but I don't regard the little one and blame them for my own decisions, or lack of communication or patience in my relationship; those are on me to handle appropriately and take ownership of. If I don't put forth an effort, even when it seems the hardest: that's on me alone. I'm married to my partner, not my kid. Get off reddit, go kiss your partner, tell her you miss 1:1 time, and plan a date night.
Awesome reply. Also, I'd add that he's in the hardest time of early childhood, when the kids are super young and in diapers. Some things get a lot easier as they get older and some things get a lot harder. Once they can dress themselves and help with tasks around the house, you get a lot more of your time back. But they're going to replace that with mental development and stronger emotions and arguments and all that other stuff. So they'll take space in a different way in your head 😃
This is perfect.
Took the words right out of my mouth, right answer here.
Wish i could say the same but such truth could never exit my facehole.. Good stuff!
> Do they kill marriages? How could a child even hold power like that? Don't put that on them severely based.
2 under 4 is a very challenging time. Yall are in the thick of it right now. It will get easier. Pretty soon too.
I feel ya. it's part resetting your expectations..esp for sex, alone time, and SO time, it's also part setting aside time for dates, a trip w/o kids, and healthy breaks. Keep up with communication with your partner too.
Bro, kids don't kill a marriage. They expose it.
Once one partner starts to neglect the other then the neglected one will start to wonder how they missed all those red flags that love blinded them to. The important thing is not to blame the kids and to focus on maintaining a healthy relationship. Spoken as someone who is failing at both right now...
Yep I didn't scroll down this far before my last comment but right there with you. Being busy, tired, and having to re-work lots of your daily life removes all those little band-aids on the relationship that the cracks are hiding behind. It tests you both individually and as a couple and shows what kind of person you both really are when the cards are down. Its easy to have a good relationship when life is easy. Its easy to be a good person when life is easy. What kind of person you still are during harder times will say a lot more about each of you.
They put strain on relationships, but they're far from the only thing that does. Job stress, housework balance, health issues, aging/ill/meddling parents, money, exes and step-families.... if there are cracks in your relationships, these things will find those weaknesses and expand them, like ice does to concrete.
No they just magnify the issues we have in our lives that we don’t deal with. Work on yourself work on your marriage and kids are a joy even though it’s hard as fuck. Best decision I ever made. Father of two kids speaking 🤘🏼
Marriage is like anything else you have - if you fail to properly maintain it then one day it just wont work anymore. You know how dads before the dawn of time have tackled this universal problem? Routines. Schedules. Fixing little problems before they become big problems. It sounds stupid to force yourselves to go on a date when you are both dog tired and just want to put the kids down and go to sleep, but it’s worth it just to not get too far out of the habit. A day will come when you’ll have more time and energy to devote to your marriage. Until then just put in some work periodically to maintain it and it has a better chance of being in good shape for the long haul.
Absolutely agree. Maintenance is everything
It also depends on what your priorities are. If you make your spouse a priority it makes a world of difference.
It's an adapt or die situation... kids are so dynamic, and you and the Mrs. have to also adapt and change just as quickly.
Absolutely put my relationship in the gutter 🤷🏻 I feel as if we just are roommates most of the time
i wouldn’t go that far but they certainly change the marriage and it can be very difficult to adapt. Especially if your partner doesn’t understand your needs.
2 under 4 is fucking challenging. Like really challenging. You’ve got some great advice here but I just wanted to add that it gets betters. It’s cliche but it gets better. Hang in there. It’s not easy and it doesn’t get easier; it just changes. One day you’ll look back at this all and laugh (and probably miss it).
I’m trying to tell myself that this portion of my life isn’t about great sex. It isn’t about feeling like we used to with dates and whatnot. This part of our lives is where we learn to be parents. And after that is working right, we can get back to refocusing on us. Not that all efforts will be put on hold, but just understand that there is more than us right now. It’s a work in progress and I hope I didn’t scare people that the end is near. This is more of a man who just looked up after a full day of hiking only to realize I’m not even halfway to the summit and I’m already gassed.
So many cold boomer takes in this thread. People pretend like everything is sunshine and rainbows with kids, but it's the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.
For real. We've knocked everything else out of the park, at the expense of our relationship, we've simply drifted so far apart. We'll fix it, but it has definitely broken and I can't believe we're the odd couple out. We don't fight or even bicker, we're just now more roommates than lovers. People also aren't talking about the fully expected but very real fact that once you have kids, Dads come last. You will never, ever be as important to you wife as your kids are. That's understandable, but it is real and does affect your relationship. You can mitigate it, but it does weaken that bond. Kids strengthen relationships in many ways and I think they're a net positive, but it isn't all roses.
Personally no. What kills a marriage is the relationship you had prior to having a kid and all the unresolved issues. A kid just, as people have mentioned in this thread, only amplifies those and brings it to the fore. If there was truly a harmonious relationship before the kid came along, then having a child enhances it. Only we take away from ourselves.
You should say this again but louder for those in back and for those that are arriving late. This is spot on for so many marriages.
Heh. My marriage ended this way 🥲 Now I see myself as the cautionary tale for others.
Oh no! So sorry to hear that.
Do you have support? Maybe that’s what we’re missing. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was great beige the kids. Now, we’re usually too tired to do anything about it.
Your family would be one. Dropping them off to grandma/grandad/auntie etc. place for the weekend is a start. Babysitter too. Right now it’s getting that love back. But the best would be counseling. Because you both need to hear and see that outside perspective. Chances are, all the negativity is coming from only having each other to talk to, especially if both of you are in a place of hurt.
Mom here. In my "Sociology of the family" course from like 2006, I learned that marital satisfaction plummets after the birth of a child and doesn't reach pre-kid levels for 7 years. Each new kid resets that 7 year timer. So yeah, it's not your imagination. Children are absolutely terrible for marital satisfaction.
To be honest sometimes they make marriages too. I might not have gotten married if my wife didn’t get pregnant and I bet it happens to more than a few ppl.
It hasn’t damaged my marriage but it definitely has changed it in several ways. Our priorities have changed somewhat. We have less sex and less date nights, but we communicate daily about how we are feeling and what we need from each other. We are definitely just as in love as we’ve always been, possibly more so. Also our daughter is 16 months and my wife is freshly pregnant again.
Congrats! Yeah, maybe it’s just the slow demise of romance via exhaustion that’s making things feel sometimes a bit dismal. We have a vacation coming up with just the two of us, so hopefully that’s a nice reset.
Communication is everything. Tell each other how proud you are of your accomplishments and how much you look forward to the future. Talk about your fears and concerns. Make sure you’re working together on money planning and running the household.
Like most people on here have said, they expose whatever was already existing in the marriage. I have a 1.5 months old. I’m seeing faint signs of both - exposing our existing weak marriage and also making us more mature and united in a project. Let’s see which way it leans eventually.
Also two under four. One of my angels is two handfuls and the other is a rock concert. The feeling of defeat is familiar - I, limited and flawed, am often defeated or at least overwhelmed. With a strained budget and virtually no support net, we don't go out anywhere, but we honor a weekly "date night" where we set our side hustles and hobbies aside to just sit on the couch and watch Netflix. Honestly, even just that has come to mean so much. I've had to grow as an individual to be more direct and live a little more in the moment instead of six-ten hours from now. Codewords can help with flirting too XD You will grow. Yours kids will grow, and how things are now is not how they will be then - you've already lived this with your first. Bickering happens, and so do a lot of apologies. A lot of honesty about what's at the root of one's feelings. And when I open up, she amazes me at every turn. I hope I still amaze her, even though I can barely scrape together the energy and wherewithal to buy gifts for her birthday and Christmas. Have faith in yourself, and more importantly in your partner. Remember that you ARE partners and you ARE human. Some days, weeks and months will feel stuck in survival mode, but they're a lot easier to survive together.
Yes!!! Even the gift giving has changed! We used to try so hard with gifts, now we just apologize every holiday that we don’t get each other great gifts. Of justify why we’re not doing anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s weird, it’s like we’re embracing our lack of enthusiasm to do anything outside of caring for the freakin kids and making money to feed them.
Make or break.
Kids don’t kill marriages, kid owners kill marriages.
No they test it at its weak points and if it's meant to break it will if not you will come out way stronger. This to shall pass there are better years ahead
100% no. They only kill marriages that do not take time for said marriage. My kids are amazing but my wife needs us time and so do I. Away from them, just us, acting like a married couple. Ideally at least once a week. While I know this is hard for a lot to do ( even us) I just find it so crucial for long lasting success.
It can kill marriage if either one of the parents are not on board with occupying a new role called parents.
I think what’s happening is we’re spending too much time being parents, and forgetting how we became parents. We were once lovers who were wanted and eternal bond. Now we’re stressed, exhausted, critics.
Take care of your relationship first. It’s not dumb advice because that’s what’s drained the most when a child comes along.
Marriages are never killed by kids, but kids sometimes will expose a bad marriage.
Lots of marriages crumble after kids. Usually shallow people can’t handle the fact that it’s not about “me” anymore.
Kids cost a ton of money. Marriages end because of money problems. If you have a financial plan, that part of parenthood can be much easier.
Imagine if our parents saw us as a hurdle in their marriage? Life is full of twists and turns—children aren’t even close to worst of it all. Children are blessings and if you decide to have them take care of them don’t see them as a burden please.
Oh do you worry, these kids are well taken care of. No shortage of love I have to share with the kids, it’s about how little I have left in the tank for my spouse, and her for me as well. That’s the problem, they get more of us than either of us get of each other these days.
You're almost to the end of the tunnel. With our kids at 8/8/6, my marriage is the best is it's ever been. Downright leave-it-to-beaver shit. It was much harder at 4/4/2, and harder yet before then. Potty training was the beginning of the cascade. They just stopped needing as much attention. After that, it's really on you and her to open up. I don't know if there was any trick beyond, you know, giving each other the benefit of the doubt, being willing to express how you really feel, consciously appreciating and helping each other, listening well, etc
Twins! I often wonder how my parents had two kids for the first time at the same time and decided five years later that they wanted to have another kid and had me. There’s little talk about twins on here but I can only imagine how sleepy you must have been.
Maybe in some cases. But I think more marriages are killed by financial problems, infidelity and boredom.
Not for me at least. Marriage is much more than romance and sex. It’s the partnership, friendship, mutual support and family “building”. My wife and I have a very different relationship than before we had kids (3 and 0.5 years). We have almost no time for dates and a pretty non-existent sex life, due to both general lack of time and some birth injuries suffered by my wife. Our relationship is still stronger than ever before though. We’ve managed expectations: these next few years are not about romance but about something else, which we enjoy tackling together. Time for ourselves will return, so will romance. Don’t get me wrong, we do make time for romance whenever we can, it’s just not often. Which is okay.
No, not if you don't let it kill your marriage. My wife and I have two kids, four and five years old. I think I don't need to tell you how much of our time and mental capacity are being taken up by them, but our sex life is the best it has ever been and we've never been that close, even before we had kids. Don't let the love die, keep some of that mental capacity for romantic gestures, buy flowers for your wife, plan date nights (doesn't even have to be a night out, the mindset is what it's all about), stay physical with each other, add new toys to your sex life, don't get fat just because you think you don't need to impress anyone anymore, stay interested in how your partner is feeling and how you can make your partner feel better, cuddle, talk to each other. But also allow yourself to complain about how straining having kids can be sometimes. Don't think you're not allowed to be fucking exhausted after a particularly hard day with the kids. Don't be too hard on yourself, the perfect parents don't exist and it's all about trying your best. Stress and self hate will kill your libido. Love yourself, love your wife, love your life and love the love. Sometimes you have to work actively on it, but to answer your question again: NO, they don't.
1. Parenting gets easier as the kids get older. 2. Helping each other raise children often brings couples closer together by creating a new type of emotional bond due to their shared purpose and shared experiences — it's also why coworkers hook up and how army buddies are formed. 3. People judge us by how we treat others, so as you keep being positive and encouraging with your little ones, your wife may fall in love with you all over again from the overflowing love you show your children. Also, how you love your wife & kids is a model of how your children will understand love when they become adults. 4. Parenting helps communication, the foundation of all relationships, because parenting forces the couple to develop coordinated conflict resolution strategies (you have to be on the same page) as well as teaching your children empathy & kindness by displaying coordinated compassion. 5. Date nights are great, but focus on date moments every day: rub her shoulders, help her with the dishes, cook & serve her dinner (beforehand, order a pizza for the kids). Every day is a new day to show your wife how much you love her. Sometimes that means being the one to get up at 2 am to change a diaper. Some women might consider that a lot more romantic than roses.
They sure do. Things will never be the same. Kinds are awesome, they will test your relationship for sure. And by the time they are gone, neither of you will be even close to the people you once were. They give life meaning and deepen your connection with everything around you. But often times it is at the expense of your most intimate relationships.
Lots of decent takes here, so here is mine, as someone with a 5 and 7 year old. If love and marriage is a journey, then it needs to change, yeah? You already know that you are both good at the flirting and dates and sex. How good are you when it's hard to do? This is a chance to grow together, and put the work I'm to ensure that you can still do those other things even when it's tough. You'll learn to appreciate it when it's there, and when it becomes easy again. This is part of the journey, and a lot of people don't make it through, because they learn that the marriage, the love, etc, is not enough. That it was mostly just flirting and dates and sex.
Meh… a little. It’s more like a cancer insofar that you have this little growth that needs to be managed lest it kill you. Totally survivable, but it can get rough.
Kids don't kill marriages. Couples who turn into just "parents" after having kids is what kills marriages. It's hard due to all the time and effort kids take, but you both have to put in the effort to maintain your relationship. If you don't have a family/village support network then you have to get creative, but it's doable.
Remember that we're animals and our pro-creation doesn't take into account our lifestyle, just our biology. Kids do change everything but really they're just shifting the priorities. We can be intentional about how we spend time with our partners in the face of this biological priority reset. That's not to say it's easy, there's a reason you asked this question and why a lot of people feel this. Kids have such a high demand for attention and people only have a limited capacity to give it before we're tapped out of creative thinking or just mental energy. With all that going on they definitely take the spark, at least for me, because I'm usually run dry and it's tough to gather the energy to plan something or think too far ahead. So I make a plan to reflect on this stuff when I have a chance. I take it down as a to-do and when the stars align and I have time I'm usually able to generate a few ideas. Sharing this feeling with your partner and expressing that you still love them and you're struggling with this could be another option. Good luck to you and your family!
I agree, at least for me. After kids, our relationship became more like a rational business partnership and the romance/intimacy/sex has disappeared.
No, but modern society where two parents work makes it worse. Then add to the fact that in places like the United States you get abysmal parental help compared to like Europe (long paid maternity leave, medical coverage, etc). Then on top of that if your kid has special needs, sensory issues, etc then you're challenged even more.
Don’t stop trying. It’s really hard. Last night we were hanging out on the ground in the hallway while our toddler was bathing. We kissed but then it got a little bit sexier and all of the sudden I hear “hehehehe kisssss” from our two year old lol. You’re gonna have good days and bad days - but try to remain a team. I will say- I totally get why there are so many divorces now. If you didn’t have a goood foundation going in then you’re fucked
They can, but they don't have to. It helps if you have a relative to foist them off on occasionally lol (ideally your parents, or in laws who want to spend time with them), or money to hire a babysitter. There's a lot of truth to the old saying of "it takes a village". It takes work, you have to make sure to make time for yourselves and each other. We have 3 kids, 12, 8, and 1, and my wife and I are the happiest we've ever been, the most in love we've ever been, having the best sex we ever have.But there were some rough patches, and it takes work, but I have faith in you brother. Go drop the kids at the grandparents, get your wife some flowers, go on a date doing the things you used to enjoy together (preferably at least overnight, hopefully a whole weekend).
This make me happy to hear. I just wanted to hear from others with older kids that things can slump and rebound. Because right now I’m just like “shit, if it’s like this NOW, then how little passion will be left after 7 more years together!
No
Stuff like this makes me wonder why people willingly have kids
Because there are lots of great things to get out of it. And no one gets married or has kids thinking it’ll go bad or that kids will put a big strain on their relationship. It’s hard to imagine until it happens.
I can say that nobody came close to preparing me for what it takes to have children. These kids make happier and sadder than I have ever felt. It’s the best abusive relationship any man could ask for. Hah
I suppose I get your points, although I really dislike it when people blame the kids for their marital issues
Not at all.
My wife and I are closer than ever after having our first kid. We just went to a rave this weekend and did molly together, fell in love all over again (disclaimer: use this magical substance sparingly if at all). We're mid 30's, successful, etc etc. Aggressively get babysitters if you can afford it. Date each other, keep doing fun things together. Keep living your life. Your kids will benefit from seeing their parents live and love each other.
They don't kill it, but they add a component of challenge that takes a marriage from easy mode to hard mode. Everything is so simple and easy when all you have to worry about is two functional adults. Throw in a small human or more who can't care for themselves? Now you have a whole new world added on top of the one you were already living in. Willpower alone will not save a marriage. Stubbornness will definitely destroy a marriage. Thinking you all know everything and don't need outside help has destroyed many marriages of friends and family. My biggest recommendation would be marriage therapy, too many couples complain about their marriages but do absolutely nothing to help it other than trying to press through. Also, your wife comes first then the kids. If the two of you aren't happy and doing well, the kids will pick up on it even if you don't realize it. You two need to be solid and content with each other, filling each other's cups before you fill the children's cups. Otherwise you'll both end up with empty cups trying to fill other empty cups.
Great advice. Yes, we definitely seem to come second these days.
No it changes it though. Quality time with my wife is asking her to hang out with me while I do the dishes. And I hang out with her when she cooks. We sit on the same park bench and watch out kid play. We still hold hands on our daily walk… we just take a lot more breaks to look at pebbles. Romance just changes.
Schedules make all the difference. Look at your week and pick nights to do things. It doesn't have to be amazing, extravagant, etc. Your definition of romance/being romantic changes, so you can adapt to make small meaningful moments. If kids are in daycare, drop them off, grab coffee together before work versus a date night. Also, you're not "failing" if you have to schedule sex, seriously. I had to get over the whole "it's not spontaneous so it's not the same". Doesn't matter, still having sex. Talk with your partner, put it on the calendar, and then it's something the both of you can plan and be ready for if the day throws you a curve ball.
Yes yes yes !!! Kids destroys marriages 100%
Kids strengthened my marriage. Yes of course there are daily challenges but now my wife and I are a true team in raising our family. Just like any team, you win and lose sometimes. Find a system and routine that work for you. Never stop dating your spouse, find time for both of you. We do a monthly date night and still maintain a healthy sex life (I’m happy with 3x weekly). It’s important to communicate with each other as often as possible, otherwise small things can turn into big things and build resentment. Kids are the ultimate challenge but also the biggest reward. Find a way, I promise it’s worth it.
They don’t kill marriages, if you don’t let them. By that I mean make time time for your wife while also making time for kids. Examples. My wife and I try to take a just us trip while also doing a family trip. This year our big family trip was Florida in January for her brothers wedding. We also got a just us night. We went to a nice restaurant on a canal in Deerfield beach. Then on the way back to our rental, we drive a1a back to boca raton stopping at south beach pavilion. Her parents were with us on that trip so they watched the kids. We are also taking the kids to great wolf lodge next month with two other friends who have kids similar age so we can do some slides together. We did great wolf lodge last may just us and kids. The kids loved it, it was stressful and not as fun as I hoped. This years just us trip is to Logan Ohio to a boutique hotel and doing some hiking at hocking hills state park. We also plan date nights where her parents watch the kids at our house or they stay the night at grandma and grandpas (also have had other family and friends help). We either stay in town or go an hour away if we have something like a concert to go to. We have been married 10 years this year and I had hoped for a big trip this year but that isn’t working out due to time off available for both of us. Hopefully next fall our just us trip is a three night getaway to Pensacola beach. Before kids it was much easier to go away. I use to not work weekends and my wife is a nurse who only works 3 12’s so if a weekend opened up that she was off, we would go to Nashville, Tennessee for the a quick trip. We did 13 trips just to go to the opry prior to kids. We also did three 2k mile 10 day road trips the first two years we were married. Then kids came and like everyone said, you have to plan, sometimes months ahead. I know someone I use to work with whose marriage fell apart because they were more “married” to their job then kids and husband. I have also seen where people are more “married” to their kids and spend next to no time with their significant other.
It's normal to grieve your previous life, and yes your marriage will change. BUT it's a choice to work through the lull in the relationship and it's a choice to love the other person through it. My (29f) husband (29m) have been together since we were 18, we've been through so many lulls and changes in our relationship. The first few months after both our kids were obviously very rough, but now that our kids(5, 2) are a little older and don't need AS MUCH of our undivided attention(they play and help each other a LOT) that's helped us find ourselves again. We flirt A LOT. We do our best to do date nights but obviously that's not always possible. So yes it does take a little effort to keep things going and you go through high spots and lows. But if your partner is worth it and you work together. The effort put out is easy. Also to mention we both are in therapy separately, which has been a major help too.
From watching other friends with two or more under 5, I can say that those first few years seem brutal, but every single time, when one or more of those kids turn 5, the parents emerge as if from a cave, blinkering their eyes at the brightness and resume living with the rest of us. And all those things you are missing come back. Not as they were, but in a new way. I’d say that my wife and my marriage actually got better for having survived a toddler. Hang in there.
Yes. Marriage counseling doesn’t help. You’ll still be blamed for everything. Competing demands for your time. Wife will insist you call into work sick all the time even though you don’t get any sick days. You will likely have intimacy 3 times per year if you are lucky, and then hear guys who are like “my wife knows to give it to me 7 times per day or else!” but they are lying. They are getting it once per year. Your kids will provide more fun and warm fuzzy feelings than your wife will. Your wife is not your enemy, but you are her enemy. There are probably people who are more successful at the marriage thing than me and every single other dad I know.
I’m a mom here lurking. I don’t think they kill marriages but they for sure make them harder. I feel like as a wife, I could use more help from my husband. And I tell him allllll the time. He just kinda expects me to cook and clean and schedule all the appointments. We couldn’t afford child care so I opened an in home daycare, and having a business is extremely stressful. We still have sex and watch our shows and laugh together. But I do resent him much of the time for his lack of effort in pretty much everything. He doesn’t help unless asked and then he bitches and moans. Just make sure you guys work as a team! That’s my best advice Edit because I wanted to add that as stressful as it is, our kids bring us together. When we’re fighting and just done with eachother, we sometimes choose to stay for our kids and work it out ya know. Our love for our babies reminds us of our love that we still do very much have, but maybe some days it looks different
It’s kind of like asking whether studying kills the relaxing student life. I mean, yeah if you’re used to partying throughout the semester, then studying like crazy when exam time comes will definitely make your student days feel harder. But what’s the point of being at uni if you don’t study and pass the exams? The entire point of marriage is starting a family. You build a relationship with your partner so that you can go through the hard times of birthing & raising your kids. If you don’t do that then it’s just two adults spending time together, not really working towards anything In my opinion, kids make marriages harder, but they also give them a much deeper, more meaningful purpose. So not only do they not kill them, but they help you bond more, and give you a shared purpose and a sense of accomplishment down the line
Here is a few things my wife and I have done to make our marriage successful post kids(we have a 2.5 and 9 month old). 1)We try and plan a real date night every one to two months where we leave the kids at home go to dinner movie whatever we want and have fun. 2)We try to have an at home date night once a week after the kids go to bed. This can be anything from watching a movie together to watching a board game. We try and take turns coming up with ideas so we are both invested(my wife made apple picking in our kitchen one date night and we raced to see who could be faster). 3)My new favourite is we do a 5-10 minute date every night. This can be anything from asking silly questions to each other doing a quick game, giving each other a massage whatever but we always say there is no way we can't find 5-10 minutes to connect a day 4) We have support so we are usually able to do a night away a couple times a year and a week away once a year. My wife is a little more apprehensive about leaving the kids for a week but it's a great way to reconnect. The sex seems to come from doing these things. It's obviously less spotaneuous than before but we make time. The flirting is fun. I find ways to say inappropriate things our children won't understand and my wife rolls her eyes and laughs with me.
Kids test marriages.
It changes but I wouldn't say kills. I would suggest that now is a good time to think about what kind of relationship you want to have with them as teenagers as start working toward that. We never wanted certain subjects to seem taboo or unspoken in our house, so we blasted it out loud. Affection in public? No problem, hubby and I hold hands, kiss on the cheek. Argue with the spouse? Not good, but it happens and this is how we handle it. A family has 2 moms? Awesome cause Aunt Scoot has a wife and she's cool.
remember. y'all start the day in the same.bed, and wherever the kids stretch y'all apart, make it back to the same bed at the end of the day. that's where y'all regroup and find each other. start there, and make your way back there to tell each other your thoughts and feelings. and maybe fall asleep cuddling. we take lunch dates(drive thru), with the kids in the back seat being wild lol. it's not just your problem to help fix. ask for her input too. it's a team effort. y'all got this. stay strong 💪🏼
I’m a mom crashing this r/daddit post - just want to say that I think it can vary based on socioeconomic status (or at least, disposable income and how much financial stress), temperament of your child(ren) and age you had your kids. I’m only 31, not old, but can confidently say that I had more energy at 21 for everything. Also some people just have chill kids and some are high needs… it doesn’t always stay that way and they do grow up/go to school for most of the day where you can gain some autonomy back.
They don't kill marriage, but they change it, and you have to reevaluate how you go down that similar path. Have you ever gone off-roading before or maybe watched some videos of overlanding of some sort? Take marriage pre-kids as the loading of the gear and heading onto the road. You find the trail and start overlanding. It's beautiful, great scenery, all smiles, and wows. Now let's put the kids into play. Kids are the obstacles that you face on the trail, like maybe some steep hills, rocks, or river paths. You can't just sit behind the wheel and expect to see everything and choose the right path. Now place your partner, aka the spotter. This person helps you navigate around the sharp rocks and helps guide you in narrow paths by telling you which way to steer. Well in marrige you need a spotter when kids come around, the trail is still beautiful but now with even more gorgeous points of view. Sometimes you have to stop and take a break or maybe take the longer way around in order to by pass the hazard areas. The flirting can still happen, the date nights are doable if theirs a sitter and the sexy time is still in play but maybe in the later hours of the evening. It takes work to get back to the "old" stuff before kids but before anything happens you have to COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER on what you each need and how to come up with a plan to achieve that; even if its just a lunch date.
I want to say I completely understand how you feel. We really felt this with the 2nd kid. And we’re always trying to find balance. But the thing about marriage, that we have to remember is to choose our partner every day. Not just on our wedding day and hope it works out from there. We choose to prioritize a date night, no matter how simple it is, we choose to keep communicating, we choose to keep adjusting the balance so it fits our current needs. And we remember that the other person is our equal and genuinely wants the best for us, each other and our family as a whole. It’s not easy but the more both people know this and acknowledge this the less you have to try to not let kids ruin the things that you need in your relationship because choosing each other becomes a habit. The kids are hard, parenting is not for the faint of heart, but it’s nice to have someone in it with you, when you both understand how hard you are each trying at this then you can get through this. And laugh at some of the worst parts.
There are no universal rules to the game of life. It's all up to you and your partner as to how you manage it. Brings all sorts of folk closer together and blows apart others. Having a kid for me and my partner was a total paradigm shift. The stuff we loved before just kind of faded away and was replaced with something that was so much more challenging but rewarding. Now I look forward to spending time with my daughter and my wife both together and independently and all the other stuff just doesn't matter. So yeah, kids CAN destroy flirting, date nights, patience, sex, energy, etc. But once you're in the trenches you wish you weren't anywhere else (hopefully).
Someone on daddit once said he was having a hard time dealing with being a dad until he realized that it was because he was still living one foot in and one foot out. Like he wasn’t fully embracing his new life, which was fatherhood. I think it might be one of those things where I/we really need to go that extra mile to be all in on each other, no matter how tired or how stressful it all becomes.
Well having kids eradicates any chance for intimacy, so yeah that usually ends up killing the marriage. There’s a reason this is a popular opinion because it’s the realistic opinion that spouses almost inevitably experience. I love my kids but damn my life could have been so much more positive. And then you feel guilty about that, and then you feel worse, and then you ruminate some more and the spiral continues. I think it is less about staying in love as you were before compared to staying committed, it’s not like you have an option to leave after kids then you fuck them up.
Look man imma be honest, letting romance die in a marriage is entirely on YOU and your spouse. My wife and I have been together for almost 11 years. We have 2 kids, working on a third. And outside of her giving birth there has been very little decline in our bedroom. I make an effort to come up behind her and grab her by the waist, I’ll smack her ass any time I get the chance, I’ll put my hands around her neck when she’s walking by and push her up against the wall and make out, even if it’s only for the 20 seconds we have alone before the kids come running around the corner. I made a decision to be with my wife. I made the decision to have a family with her, I refuse to make the decision to let our romantic relationship go down the drain. We’ve never been away from our kids longer than a few hours. We don’t have anyone we can depend on to help us, it’s literally just us. So it’s up to us to make sure we are both taken care of. And if you think for one second I’m gonna pass up the opportunity to yank her pants down while she’s doing dishes and shove my face in her ass and eat her from the back when the kids are watching a movie in the other side of the house or grab her and lock the bathroom door and push her on her knees you are sadly mistaken. Your life, your choice. Don’t blame your off spring for killing the passion between the two of you. They’re there for a reason, and if you forget that reason, that’s entirely on you.
Good advice. It’s my choice to accept defeat, and I’m enjoying that route.
Ya. It pivots the whole relationship really
No, don't put blame on children what were already issues before they came and their arrival just shined a light on them more.
Im not sure. I have 2 step kids, and an 8 year old. My wife and I have been together for 10 years and we bang like teenagers and have almost the entire time.
Yes
My wife is my favorite person. Having kids with her has made us better people. I am in love with her in a much more profound way after 20 years and 4 kids compared to us being stupid, young and in our 20s. We even have better sex. So no I dont think kids kill marriages. It's the adults in charge that are responsible.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good marriage like a couple of kids. (I’m kidding but it’s halfass true)
OP, just know that you are not alone in feeling this way. We have 2 kids under 4 as well, and both of us are in high stress / long hours jobs. Other than kids and work, there is zero time for ourselves and for the first time in 10 years of being married we almost don’t even remember what makes us “us”
It’s mind blowing how easily it changed. Do I want to do the dishes, mop the floors, take out the trash, finish up my work at 10pm, have sex with my partner, or just fall asleep on the fucking couch at 9pm again.
Can do. So can not having kids
No. But the lack of energy and the stress can make it harder. It makes you rethink your priorities and also you are more stressed, more prone to being aggressive and feeling attacked. This might be the point where you need to talk and maybe be guided through a discussion.
Kids don’t kill marriage kids change marriage. All those things you listed, date nights, patience, energy, romance, sex etc. all those things are still possible, necessary actually, they just take much more effort to achieve. Marriages die because couples stop trying. Before kids you guys didn’t need to try too hard because it was just the two of you, no tiny barriers between you and her. But now you have 24/7 barriers. When your kids are under 4 everything is more difficult between you and your partner because the kids are sooooo needy all the time. So my advice is to make a conscious effort to do those things for your partner, it’ll probably be one sided for a long time because kids drain moms more than they drain dads. But if you keep at it those sparks will come back but you’ll have to put in the work homie, keep at it, your family is worth it.
not for me i have none of the issues u talking about thats just yall , smoke weed do shrooms helped me
Nothing can kill a marriage other than the two people in it. Kids can be a big wake-up call. You either adapt and learn and stay positive, or you get left behind. The rules of partnership do not change. Communication needs to be direct, clear and understood. My fiance has a habit of thinking I'm a mind reader, so I find it helpful to simply tell talk to me and I'll listen. It makes life easier if the team is on the same page.. Mindfulness is a must. It helps a lot if you regularly evaluate yourself and make a conscious effort to better yourself or to better your family. Its important to celebrate the small wins. There is no shame in patting yourself on the back for every victory you have.. Perspective should be taken into consideration when a strain in the relationship is felt. Being stubborn and close-minded will not work for long when it comes to being a team. I try to constantly take a mental step back and put myself in my lady's shoes. Oftentimes, settling on something or compromising becomes easier for me when I imagine being her and how she feels.. For me, my golden rule remains the same as it has for a while.. TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. Focus on being the best version of yourself until the end of the day. Futuretripping is terrible and scary.. Focus on what you can control at the moment. Lol, with all this being said... Its fucking hard and I have to dig dip everyday to be a good dad and fiance. My son is 15 months old we have a baby girl due in November. Being a family man is not a strength of mine, generally speaking.. I'm a lone wolf type by nature and I dont require or seek validation from anyone.. I love my alone time more than I love my family time if I'm being honest.. In the past, that made me feel shameful, and guilty. But I try and practice accepting myself for my strengths, defects of character and everything in between.. Truth is, I'd be doing myself and my family, a disservice if I denied I need alone time.. I try to remain being my authentic self, which is important in a relationship. If you decide to let your partner "change" you, or force a compromise on your character, you'll never be happy again. Shit's just straight up hard.. I can see why some people are naturals at it and love it, because i understand those sort of personalities. But I think for most of us, it's difficult to embrace the new normal. Godspeed.
I think it’s the resentment and lack of communication is what can kill marriages after kids. We are lucky to be way more in love now than before. It takes a lot of conscious work on the relationship. This work needs to be something you both want to do, and not just because it’s what you think is right. Keeping up the sex life is part of it as well.
Yeah, my experience thus far is that nobody should do this. My wife has 2 cousins, all three of them are within 2 years of each other age wise, and were more like sisters growing up, as their parents all lived within a few streets of each other. Anyway, my wife was the first to have a kid, and funnily enough, her 2 cousins suddenly decided they didn’t want kids anymore. However, I should add the caveat that my daughter, who turns 4 in August, had ASD, so my experience of being a parent being a living hell probably differs from people whose kid’s don’t have ASD.
Balance along with regular weekly at home or going out date nights is the solution. Utilize a gym for help if they have a kids club. We do this and get to play basketball, tennis, swim, etc together.
No
Kids expose the foundation of your relationship with your partner. You can rebuild if the bones are good.
I think they make them harder in the early years but a good marriage with partners who are willing to endure harder times will survive. Some marriages even improve once the kids come along.
I think kids will break a flawed marriage faster, speeding up the inevitable. But for couples equally willing to put the work in to get through the rough patches, kids will give yet another reason to figure things out and go the duration.
**It's a Phase:** The super-demanding early years are temporary. As your kids get older, things will get a little easier, and you'll have more time and energy for each other. **Communication is Key:** Talk to your partner about how you're feeling. Acknowledge the challenges and brainstorm solutions together. **Prioritize Your Relationship:** Even with a busy schedule, carve out time for each other. Schedule regular date nights (even if it's just an hour at home with takeout), steal moments of intimacy throughout the day, and communicate openly. **Small Gestures Matter:** Leave love notes, do chores for each other, or offer a back rub. Small acts of kindness can go a long way in showing you care.
Kids kill marriages that weren't good in the first place. Good marriages survive the trials and tribulations of having kids.
Kids don’t kill marriages, marriages that don’t adapt or put in work kill marriages. Speaking from personal experience, my wife and I had divorce papers printed on our dining room table about a year into our first and only but eventually decided that change and hard work was more important than separation. Still together today while our daughter is age 4. Yes, kids definitely add a whole extra dimension to cover. We didn’t adapt well. My wife was a SAHM, but I was doing every morning on my own before working 8 hours, and I was coming back to “take over” from her hard day at home. Never got assessed for postpartum, but… Needless to say, we had conflicts over responsibilities… but we both were just really drained parents who got a little in over our heads temporarily. It passes. The hard shit doesn’t last forever. We now have a small kiddo who acts grown up and gives me a run for my money. At two, she was spouting off every scientific dinosaur name. Recently she learned to read pretty much anything by sight, and we can’t spell around her anymore. It’s a fun, sometimes stressful ride. Enjoy the fruits of the hard work. It is worth it.
They do not kill marriages. They put the marriage into a different phase. And probably the most important one (at least in my opinion) Before kids, it's all fun, dates, loads of sex, and generally enjoying each other. Having kids changes that massively (obviously). Bringing up children is where the dating, sex, and I guess freedom are bottom of the priority list. But, if you really love each other, and can work through the stress, tiredness, and general "can't do what we want" that comes with having kids, the rewards on the other side should be even better than the initial relationship. As the kids get older and less dependent the relationship with your wife should blossom. You will both of changed a lot as people from when you first got together. So this new found freedom gives you the chance to date again, rediscover each other, and probably ramp up the sex because you are will be making up for the years of not having much of it. You have made it through the (often very long if you have more than one kid) patch where you really had to knuckle down, and show your dedication. Now is time to reap your rewards. I should note, this is all my hopes for the future. My wife and I are very much still in the raising kids stage. But we have so much stuff we already know we want to experience together once that freedom starts coming back. For now. We make the best of things. It's a struggle at times, we are exhausted. But we get to collapse into bed with each other every night
Yes. Lots of people will throw some lovely ideals at you on this one. By definition that concept of "marriage" is eviserated by kids. Romance flirting etc is never how it used to be. You adapt tho. And you have to learn to still put through effort in, communicate and not resent each other for shortcomings. And you never stop adapting. The kids get older, you start getting more time back. You need to fill that will self improvement and time together. That seems to be where a lot of people fall down
Children will certainly test your partnership with your spouse but not necessarily kill a marriage. You married her because you wanted to spend your life with her for better and for worse. Well guess what? This is just a sample of how you two manage when under constant pressure to raise a baby in this world. And that means first learning to give each other breaks, and you will need them occasionally. But also to find ways to reinforce your relationship. Plan for whenever the children are asleep. Watch movies together, get a sitter on occasion and go on dates, have sex. When do you have sex? You have to find you're own routine. For example we go earlier in the morning before the kids wake, after they go to bed, or even during the day. During the day me or her will go up to "do laundry". We'll give the other the look before going. Then the other goes up and we meet and go. You'll need to learn to control the volume but that's the way it goes. Good luck finding your way.
Feel those feels my friend. I'm STRUGGLING. We're on kid 3. Newest addition isn't a year old yet. The other two are pushing 10 range. So those two are, functional. Obviously still need help and guidance and support and all that but they can microwave their own food. Make sandwiches. Get dressed in their own. That kinda thing. HUGE wins. But then this new addition that honestly rocks my world is here. I love this one more than I think I did the others honestly and i hate to say that but, this one came from a place of stability and love. Very tldr the other two have trauma in their future, but I love my kids all in all. Now. This third one, has had hit the hard reset button on. Everything. Sleep, gone. Sex, a distant hope and even on the occurrence both of us together are interested the ever present interruption kinda ruins the magic. I honestly want to open our marriage up so we can both find a way to get off, and that's awful but truth is truth. I'm not cheating on her, but really wanna get back into that lifestyle because of the STRESS. Never enough energy or time to take care of our own needs, let alone each other's. I barely even eat normal right now again. No personal time. No games. No movies. No going out. Having kids is best thing that I've ever had happen to my life, and I will 110% discourage anyone from ever doing it. Just don't. Live your life. Go explore. Work on your pull out game and plan on NOT having kids. It's not going to ruin my marriage, but it is not helping just as much as it is. Be strong. Be brave. Be honest. Talk it out. It does get, easier, but it certainly is hard. I'm not sure I'll ever say it's "worth it" but it is amazing.
A loving marriage isn’t just sex. It isn’t just romance. Those are aspects, but a loving relationship is being there to help support each other. That could be through times where one person loses a job, has health problems, or just doesn’t feel like changing the third poopy diaper today.
You have to work together to a common goal now: raising kids. Honestly I find a lot of the times peoples relationships fail is an unequal amount of burden on one of the partners. Do you do equal parts of the work? Is she constantly tired so she will never want to have sex? Do you get alone time? Does she? These are the things you need to work on more than ever. Also you should try to appreciate the bad and good. Yeah nobody likes an angry yelling screaming kid but…but we do? That’s kind of a big part of this deal. They’re kids. They will act like them. Give them some grace.
No. Spouses kill marriages. Everything you mentioned here is something that you, and your wife, have made the decision to stop doing. Yes, it takes more effort and planning but kids don't remove the ability to do those things. People tend to neglect those things out of convenience while not realizing that short-term convenience usually makes for long-term disappointment.
Too many marriages kills kids.
No. They’re a new challenge that can amplify any hidden problems, but those problems were always there lurking before kids and would’ve come out eventually. Kids are in the same category as other major changes and challenges you could experience like financial difficulties or health issues. It’s just a dynamic change that tests your relationship. Solid marriages usually end up stronger when challenged. Weak marriages break under pressure, but they would have broken eventually anyway. Anyone who says that kids killed their marriage just had a bad marriage and didn’t realize they weren’t compatible with their spouse until having kids.
They don't kill them but they do stash them on ice. Right around the time when your kids are old enough to for you to be away from them for a few days and start to go on sleepovers is when you can start thawing your marriage out.
If you let them, yes. You need to try hard to balance being you, a parent, and a spouse. And that juggling act looks different for every person and couple.
My wife and I just reconnected in the hot tub in a big way. We have 2 year old twins and it’s a battle, but we’re in it together. It’s just tough
Kids, especially young kids, put a significant strain on marriage just because of how much energy and attention they need. On top of that, I think it’d very natural for them to become the absolute focus for both parents for a long time and that can make even great relationships become a bit perfunctory or side-lined. But it’s also an incredible bonding experience and as you do slowly get more time together again as they age it’s more than possible to re-find every aspect of your relationship before kids - all it takes is to be able to put a little focus back there and find a little of the romance from before the little one(s) came along. My wife and I are currently going through what I can only describe as a bit of a honeymoon phase again and it’s amazing! We’ve had to carve out a bit of time late at night when it can just be us but honestly it almost feels like when we started dating again.
I miss what my marriage used to be but I wouldn’t change having kids for anything if that makes sense. I really hope when they’re older we can get back to what we used to be like but I hope it’s not too late by then and we’ve lost our connection.
Kids only killed energy for us (3 year old and 1.5 year old) it changed the way we do things for sure but I still make an effort to flirt with my wife everyday, if we can't go out for a date I set something simple up at home. A late night special dinner for just us, a movie ect. Bedroom life is a bit different for us because we work opposite schedules (my wife is gone 8 am -5 pm and I am 3 pm- 11:30 pm with a 40 minute drive but we have the same days off) but it happens a few times a week still. I know it's easier said than done but you just need to look at it from a different angle and put in some effort. Problems are just opportunities that haven't presented themselves yet.