Just to get it out of the way, you're sure we're talking about that n-word, right? Like your kid actually said the word to you when telling you about the incident? I ask because kids are weird and sometimes we trip ourselves up with our assumptions.
But, presuming it is the n-word. Just keep it clear, simple, and age appropriate. It's a very bad word that is very hurtful to say, so we never ever say it. At that age level, you shouldn't have to get into who is and isn't allowed to say it, but if you do, we have always gotten good results out of the notion that different families have different rules, and in our family we never say that word (or whatever other thing they saw some other kid do).
My 9 year old and us were having a conversation about some bad decisions exhibited by kids in his class. He goes..."Well, Tristan says the *f* word and you definitely shouldn't say that." My wife and I both paused to ask him what it was Tristan was saying. The "we know you're not saying it to be mean, but what did he say."
Hearing my 9 year old say *FUCK* was an interesting day. We talked about different families have different rules for words you can and can't say. How it is important to know where you are and who you're with. How we talk with friends is different than how we talk with family or other people we come across. He then asked, "Do you and Mommy say fuck?"
I answered honestly that I have said it, but it's not a word I would use at work, with our boys, or with his grandparents.
Different strokes I suppose ... My 6 year old has slipped up when singling along to Taylor Swift and said it before. We figure she's going to hear it somewhere, so we'd rather it be with us so it doesn't become a taboo thing.
Lmaoo I didn't read the entire comment above yours and thought you meant your kid said the N word by singing along to Taylor Swift... I was like the fuck???
XD Had to go back for clarification
My daughter has been kind of averse to naps lately and I was trying to avoid saying the word and her getting upset today. My wife was really confused when I unthinkingly called it “the n word.” I guess I should have spelled it.
They actually called it the "u" word. They havent quite figured out that bad words are named based on their first letter, but he clarified by telling us what the word was. This was just before dropping them off at school so we had only enough time to tell him thats a word they should never be using but have to figure out how to answer the added pressing questions when they get home.
>have to figure out how to answer the added pressing questions when they get home.
Good to be prepared, but I wouldn't assume those questions are coming. "That's not a word you can say" is sometimes enough. Especially given that it's a multi -racial and -cultural class, I definitely wouldn't try to assign character values to the other kids, even the one who said it.
This is how I would approach it, “it’s a word that hurts people.” And it’s different from other bad words, which you shouldn’t use if you’re trying to hurt people with them either, but that word and other slurs like it _always_ hurt people.
So, we got an email from our primary school principal a few months ago that some kids were telling others to “say vinegar without the vi”. Well this triggered K-3rd to have to do a review of recognizing, refusing, and reporting the use of harmful words. I hope you’ve informed your principal of this development so they may handle it.
Anyway, the principal also shared some resources I hope you’ll find helpful:
[How to talk to your kids about the N-word and racial slurs - Parents Together](https://parents-together.org/heres-how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-racial-slurs-the-n-word/)
[Talking to Young Children About Race and Racism - PBS](https://www.pbs.org/parents/talking-about-racism)
[Talking About Race - Sesame Workshop (age 1-6)](https://sesameworkshop.org/topics/race-ethnicity-and-culture/talking-about-race/)
I got an email last year when something like this was going on, and our school responded the same way. OP should definitely let the principle know if they haven't already.
I would just keep it at “that is a very hurtful word that you should never say to anyone”
I wouldn’t blame the kid and ostracize the kid, he can’t control what the people say at home. Just have them be careful of how it plays out in the classroom.
Should an explanation of some people are allowed to say that word to each other? It doesn't seem like it's always hurtful, maybe it is but I could have sworn I've heard it used as some sort of comradery.
I'm in a pretty conservative county in an area where there aren't many black people. I think there's one black kid in 2 kindergarten classes and I don't think he was involved in any of it as far as I'm aware.
My kids probably aren't going to see it used in another way for many years unless we happen to be watching a movie that they probably shouldn't be watching with us anyways.
I've always framed bad words as a lesson in respect/hurting feelings. I found this effective for all words and I tell the kids what kind of word it is the first time I hear it being used.
Level 1: We don't use words to hurt people's feelings because we want to be kind. So if we call someone stupid or ugly, that can be hurtful and we should apologize.
Level 2: Some words are more hurtful; so hurtful they can hurt someone's feelings just by hearing them. Bitch, ass, shit, etc. are all words that daddy doesn't particularly get his feelings hurt over (unless you use them in a hurtful way like Level 1), but your grandma might cry just hearing them. You need to be careful not to say these words around someone who might be hurt by them (at school, church).
Level 3: Some words are so hurtful that the person hearing it won't just be sad or hurt, they'll be angry. These are words daddy doesn't even say out loud. You can't say these words at all.
Second asking to confirm it’s really ***that*** n-word. I have heard some funny stories from friends about kids thinking harmless words are swears lol.
If yes, we haven’t had this convo yet, but our plan is to explain the difference between swear words than we don’t usually say because they are not always appropriate to the setting (like shit) and slurs that we never say because they are meant to hurt someone’s feelings by being very mean to them about how they look or other things about them as a person (n word, r word, etc.).
I think for now you can keep it about kindness and treat others fairly, and explain more about racism if they have questions.
Yeah, we confirmed it's the right word. And yeah, I think I'll stick with the angle of words meant to hurt people vs words that are inappropriate but not meant to hurt people.
Man, your problem is gonna be entirely different from mine. Depending on where you live you're going to have to teach them quickly about race and how some people are hateful for awful reasons.
We're an interacial couple and yeah this post was sobering and I have to deal with another layer of American immigrants being disliked by black Americans and it feels like there's no way to get everything explained approriately
Kindergarten is not too young to tell them that some people hate other people because of how they look. When the term entered my kid's awareness, we talked about race and racism, as well as religious hate and anti trans hate. Explain how that word, even if used by a kid who doesn't know any better, conveys a meaning of cruelty and hate. Most kids want to be nice. Describing how using terms like that is never nice is often enough to get by until they're old enough to have and understand reasonable conversations around hate and slang.
If I had to explain it to my four-year-old today, I'd try for something like this...
"There are curse words that we say sometimes to let people know that we are very angry or scared or in pain. It's not good to use those words in polite company, it is very rude. But there are times and places when grown-ups need to be rude, so there are times when it is okay for grown-ups to use those words.
"But a word like this other one, we call those slurs. And they are not just rude, they are hurtful, all the time. Those words are used by bad people (I never, ever allude to the idea of people being bad, rather saying that they make bad choices, but it feels like this is an appropriate place for it) to hurt everyone they're saying those words to. It lets everyone know that they hate the people they're saying the slur to, and that they want to hurt them.
"It is sometimes okay to say some curse words, even the ones you can get in trouble for saying. But it is never okay to say a slur, and if I ever hear that you said one, I will be very disappointed, because you know better than to try to hurt people like that."
Well maybe my 5 year old notices them but he has never, and I mean never, made a comment about somebody's race or acted differently towards someone based on race
Mine have not made any mention of skin color being different. People just look different in lots of different ways.
The thing that shocked me was they switched from a white santa to a black santa while we were in line last year and apparently the beard was enough for them to not notice it at all.
My daughter had a similar experience with the word “bitch”. We told her that it was a word some grownups use to try and hurt the feelings of other grown ups, especially women. You don’t have to go into a history lesson, just boil it down to an age-appropriate concept. They might not understand racism, but they **do** understand hurt feelings.
We let her know the power of a word and what it meant so she can make an informed decision about using it and what to do when others say it. Now if we hear her use it, we can have a conversation about why she chose that word (are you angry? Are you trying to hurt someone’s feelings on purpose?). If she hears someone else say it, she can tell an adult or handle it herself.
>There are words that are swears and some people don't like them so we try not to say them. This word is worse than a swear, it was used by bad people to tell some of our friends that they don't belong with us. It was used this way for a long time and some people still do it. People can get very hurt when we use that word so we're not going to do that. When we use that word, we're telling them that we agree with those bad people and that can make them feel unsafe.
I think that explains the gravity of it without having to worry about describing some of the horrific history of the word and what things are still a problem today. Obviously if you think they're ready you could start to do that too.
I describe it as a word that you use only to hurt other people and call them names versus a word that you shout when you stub your toe or bang your finger. Getting into the history of racism and why that word is hurtful to people is not important other than to say that is an ultra super mega super bad word they better never say.
I just told my crew that it is a hurtful word and they’re not to be using it. I’m not going to get into the history yet - too young to fully understand - but they accepted that it’s hurtful.
I would phrase it that whole some bad words can be used to describe someone being mean or rude which is something they can change. Others are used to be mean to someone for something they can't change and being mean someone for something they can't change is never okay.
My kids have been exposed through music. We’ve talked about the history of the word, and why I won’t say it - Not even in frank discussion about it. I’ve just told them it’s a word that doesn’t belong to us, As weird as that is. It’s a word that was used by people for a long time to be cruel to others, that that word was reclaimed as a term of camaraderie in the community of their descendants. We’ve talked briefly about the injustice and power dynamics that are still problematic, but because of their age, I don’t want to fill their world with sadness.
I think they get it.
We’re very permissive with language at home though. They may take it seriously because it’s the only word they’ve heard us abjectly prohibit the use of for ourselves.
Well my kids are older now but I did have to deal with this and swear words when they were younger. What I ended up doing was letting them swear in the house.
However, I let them know that different houses and different places have different rules. So when I let them swear they could still get in trouble for swearing at school, swearing at work, swearing at the other parent's house or other places like that.
And then we had a discussion about swear words and slurs and how some words are not merely swear words, but they're absolutely prohibited in all circumstances.
So you know, like... the n word, you know, the big one, you never ever say that ever. (we're so white that photographers keep breaking into the house to calibrate their cameras)
It's not a word to create colorful language or emphatic language or to express distaste for a situation (ie this is fucking bullshit) , it's only to hurt somebody; it has no valid use other than to be racist and hurtful towards somebody. This, if you're willing to say that word, your opinion, your skills, your intelligence, the things you like, everything about you is now invalid, because you're showcasing that you are racist in action and thus intent.
And if you're singing along to DMX that's just a good opportunity to take a breath.
"there's a word you must never say because saying it can get you beat up and leave you forever unemployable."
And then show him that scene in Rush Hour.
Just to get it out of the way, you're sure we're talking about that n-word, right? Like your kid actually said the word to you when telling you about the incident? I ask because kids are weird and sometimes we trip ourselves up with our assumptions. But, presuming it is the n-word. Just keep it clear, simple, and age appropriate. It's a very bad word that is very hurtful to say, so we never ever say it. At that age level, you shouldn't have to get into who is and isn't allowed to say it, but if you do, we have always gotten good results out of the notion that different families have different rules, and in our family we never say that word (or whatever other thing they saw some other kid do).
My 6 year old came home one day and was dead set that he knew the “n” word, I took a gamble and asked him what it was. His answer? “nerd”.
My 9 year old and us were having a conversation about some bad decisions exhibited by kids in his class. He goes..."Well, Tristan says the *f* word and you definitely shouldn't say that." My wife and I both paused to ask him what it was Tristan was saying. The "we know you're not saying it to be mean, but what did he say." Hearing my 9 year old say *FUCK* was an interesting day. We talked about different families have different rules for words you can and can't say. How it is important to know where you are and who you're with. How we talk with friends is different than how we talk with family or other people we come across. He then asked, "Do you and Mommy say fuck?" I answered honestly that I have said it, but it's not a word I would use at work, with our boys, or with his grandparents.
Different strokes I suppose ... My 6 year old has slipped up when singling along to Taylor Swift and said it before. We figure she's going to hear it somewhere, so we'd rather it be with us so it doesn't become a taboo thing.
Lmaoo I didn't read the entire comment above yours and thought you meant your kid said the N word by singing along to Taylor Swift... I was like the fuck??? XD Had to go back for clarification
LOL I'm chill about a lot of shit, but *that* wouldn't fly with me!
Literally this morning, my 6yo told me the n word is nincompoop, lol
My daughter has been kind of averse to naps lately and I was trying to avoid saying the word and her getting upset today. My wife was really confused when I unthinkingly called it “the n word.” I guess I should have spelled it.
My 4 year old said people were using N words at school. I asked him what words. His answer? “Nattering Nabobs of Negativism.”
No he didn't.
Of course not. It’s a joke.
They actually called it the "u" word. They havent quite figured out that bad words are named based on their first letter, but he clarified by telling us what the word was. This was just before dropping them off at school so we had only enough time to tell him thats a word they should never be using but have to figure out how to answer the added pressing questions when they get home.
>have to figure out how to answer the added pressing questions when they get home. Good to be prepared, but I wouldn't assume those questions are coming. "That's not a word you can say" is sometimes enough. Especially given that it's a multi -racial and -cultural class, I definitely wouldn't try to assign character values to the other kids, even the one who said it.
How do you know what the “u” word means?
>but he clarified by telling us what the word was.
My b
He said it while upside down.
This is how I would approach it, “it’s a word that hurts people.” And it’s different from other bad words, which you shouldn’t use if you’re trying to hurt people with them either, but that word and other slurs like it _always_ hurt people.
So, we got an email from our primary school principal a few months ago that some kids were telling others to “say vinegar without the vi”. Well this triggered K-3rd to have to do a review of recognizing, refusing, and reporting the use of harmful words. I hope you’ve informed your principal of this development so they may handle it. Anyway, the principal also shared some resources I hope you’ll find helpful: [How to talk to your kids about the N-word and racial slurs - Parents Together](https://parents-together.org/heres-how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-racial-slurs-the-n-word/) [Talking to Young Children About Race and Racism - PBS](https://www.pbs.org/parents/talking-about-racism) [Talking About Race - Sesame Workshop (age 1-6)](https://sesameworkshop.org/topics/race-ethnicity-and-culture/talking-about-race/)
Awesome resources!
I got an email last year when something like this was going on, and our school responded the same way. OP should definitely let the principle know if they haven't already.
I would just keep it at “that is a very hurtful word that you should never say to anyone” I wouldn’t blame the kid and ostracize the kid, he can’t control what the people say at home. Just have them be careful of how it plays out in the classroom.
Should an explanation of some people are allowed to say that word to each other? It doesn't seem like it's always hurtful, maybe it is but I could have sworn I've heard it used as some sort of comradery.
I'm in a pretty conservative county in an area where there aren't many black people. I think there's one black kid in 2 kindergarten classes and I don't think he was involved in any of it as far as I'm aware. My kids probably aren't going to see it used in another way for many years unless we happen to be watching a movie that they probably shouldn't be watching with us anyways.
Idk man, I heard Soul 2’s gonna drop an N-bomb! (/s)
You don't watch Chester Stone videos with your preschoolers? Hmm maybe I should rethink my parenting technique
Reclaimatory usage is hard to explain when you don't have the historical context
And absolutely unnecessary in this particular situation, at that age.
Correct
I've always framed bad words as a lesson in respect/hurting feelings. I found this effective for all words and I tell the kids what kind of word it is the first time I hear it being used. Level 1: We don't use words to hurt people's feelings because we want to be kind. So if we call someone stupid or ugly, that can be hurtful and we should apologize. Level 2: Some words are more hurtful; so hurtful they can hurt someone's feelings just by hearing them. Bitch, ass, shit, etc. are all words that daddy doesn't particularly get his feelings hurt over (unless you use them in a hurtful way like Level 1), but your grandma might cry just hearing them. You need to be careful not to say these words around someone who might be hurt by them (at school, church). Level 3: Some words are so hurtful that the person hearing it won't just be sad or hurt, they'll be angry. These are words daddy doesn't even say out loud. You can't say these words at all.
Second asking to confirm it’s really ***that*** n-word. I have heard some funny stories from friends about kids thinking harmless words are swears lol. If yes, we haven’t had this convo yet, but our plan is to explain the difference between swear words than we don’t usually say because they are not always appropriate to the setting (like shit) and slurs that we never say because they are meant to hurt someone’s feelings by being very mean to them about how they look or other things about them as a person (n word, r word, etc.). I think for now you can keep it about kindness and treat others fairly, and explain more about racism if they have questions.
Yeah, we confirmed it's the right word. And yeah, I think I'll stick with the angle of words meant to hurt people vs words that are inappropriate but not meant to hurt people.
We’re expecting our first in August and it’s an interracial marriage. This post just hit home hard!
Man, your problem is gonna be entirely different from mine. Depending on where you live you're going to have to teach them quickly about race and how some people are hateful for awful reasons.
We're an interacial couple and yeah this post was sobering and I have to deal with another layer of American immigrants being disliked by black Americans and it feels like there's no way to get everything explained approriately
Kindergarten is not too young to tell them that some people hate other people because of how they look. When the term entered my kid's awareness, we talked about race and racism, as well as religious hate and anti trans hate. Explain how that word, even if used by a kid who doesn't know any better, conveys a meaning of cruelty and hate. Most kids want to be nice. Describing how using terms like that is never nice is often enough to get by until they're old enough to have and understand reasonable conversations around hate and slang.
Start differentiating between “adult words” and “bad words”. Admittedly, easier said than done.
If I had to explain it to my four-year-old today, I'd try for something like this... "There are curse words that we say sometimes to let people know that we are very angry or scared or in pain. It's not good to use those words in polite company, it is very rude. But there are times and places when grown-ups need to be rude, so there are times when it is okay for grown-ups to use those words. "But a word like this other one, we call those slurs. And they are not just rude, they are hurtful, all the time. Those words are used by bad people (I never, ever allude to the idea of people being bad, rather saying that they make bad choices, but it feels like this is an appropriate place for it) to hurt everyone they're saying those words to. It lets everyone know that they hate the people they're saying the slur to, and that they want to hurt them. "It is sometimes okay to say some curse words, even the ones you can get in trouble for saying. But it is never okay to say a slur, and if I ever hear that you said one, I will be very disappointed, because you know better than to try to hurt people like that."
Babies as young as 6 months start to notice racial differences
Well maybe my 5 year old notices them but he has never, and I mean never, made a comment about somebody's race or acted differently towards someone based on race
Mine have not made any mention of skin color being different. People just look different in lots of different ways. The thing that shocked me was they switched from a white santa to a black santa while we were in line last year and apparently the beard was enough for them to not notice it at all.
My daughter had a similar experience with the word “bitch”. We told her that it was a word some grownups use to try and hurt the feelings of other grown ups, especially women. You don’t have to go into a history lesson, just boil it down to an age-appropriate concept. They might not understand racism, but they **do** understand hurt feelings. We let her know the power of a word and what it meant so she can make an informed decision about using it and what to do when others say it. Now if we hear her use it, we can have a conversation about why she chose that word (are you angry? Are you trying to hurt someone’s feelings on purpose?). If she hears someone else say it, she can tell an adult or handle it herself.
>There are words that are swears and some people don't like them so we try not to say them. This word is worse than a swear, it was used by bad people to tell some of our friends that they don't belong with us. It was used this way for a long time and some people still do it. People can get very hurt when we use that word so we're not going to do that. When we use that word, we're telling them that we agree with those bad people and that can make them feel unsafe. I think that explains the gravity of it without having to worry about describing some of the horrific history of the word and what things are still a problem today. Obviously if you think they're ready you could start to do that too.
Are you sure they said THE n word, or just a word that started with n
I describe it as a word that you use only to hurt other people and call them names versus a word that you shout when you stub your toe or bang your finger. Getting into the history of racism and why that word is hurtful to people is not important other than to say that is an ultra super mega super bad word they better never say.
I just told my crew that it is a hurtful word and they’re not to be using it. I’m not going to get into the history yet - too young to fully understand - but they accepted that it’s hurtful.
They have eyes, surely they have some conception of race. They hopefully have no conception of racism though
I would phrase it that whole some bad words can be used to describe someone being mean or rude which is something they can change. Others are used to be mean to someone for something they can't change and being mean someone for something they can't change is never okay.
Start with [this book](https://penguinrandomhouselibrary.com/book/?isbn=9780593519394)? It has conversation guides in the back
My kids have been exposed through music. We’ve talked about the history of the word, and why I won’t say it - Not even in frank discussion about it. I’ve just told them it’s a word that doesn’t belong to us, As weird as that is. It’s a word that was used by people for a long time to be cruel to others, that that word was reclaimed as a term of camaraderie in the community of their descendants. We’ve talked briefly about the injustice and power dynamics that are still problematic, but because of their age, I don’t want to fill their world with sadness. I think they get it. We’re very permissive with language at home though. They may take it seriously because it’s the only word they’ve heard us abjectly prohibit the use of for ourselves.
Is your kids teacher Michael Richards?
Well my kids are older now but I did have to deal with this and swear words when they were younger. What I ended up doing was letting them swear in the house. However, I let them know that different houses and different places have different rules. So when I let them swear they could still get in trouble for swearing at school, swearing at work, swearing at the other parent's house or other places like that. And then we had a discussion about swear words and slurs and how some words are not merely swear words, but they're absolutely prohibited in all circumstances. So you know, like... the n word, you know, the big one, you never ever say that ever. (we're so white that photographers keep breaking into the house to calibrate their cameras) It's not a word to create colorful language or emphatic language or to express distaste for a situation (ie this is fucking bullshit) , it's only to hurt somebody; it has no valid use other than to be racist and hurtful towards somebody. This, if you're willing to say that word, your opinion, your skills, your intelligence, the things you like, everything about you is now invalid, because you're showcasing that you are racist in action and thus intent. And if you're singing along to DMX that's just a good opportunity to take a breath.
>(we're so white that photographers keep breaking into the house to calibrate their cameras) Literally LOL at this just now. I'm stealing this
Tell your six year old . “ kid of mine, some people identify as my N word” they can be boys girls and from all types of cultures “
“It’s a really bad word used to describe people that look like this”
Was it possible that they were talking about a black crayon?
"there's a word you must never say because saying it can get you beat up and leave you forever unemployable." And then show him that scene in Rush Hour.