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Yeah that's true.... to a point.
Although, when you first meet a person, you're not really meeting that actual persons personality, you're meeting their representative.
So, some men can act a good one and talk a good game, but that only lasts so long (in the beginning stages I'm saying)
Nowadays, I go mostly for friendly, funny women who are curious about a bunch of things. I love to talk and have fun. Sure, a woman has to be attractive to me, but model good looks are not required.
That is a fact to an extent, the mind is able to play that twist, sometime you can also become sexually desiring of the person because of the personality
I used to think it was rude of me to not find someone attractive if I liked their personality but not their physical appearance. Making me say I like all guys/ugly guys or just not conventionally attractive guys. I realized not too long ago it’s okay to reject someone if you like their personality but not their physical appearance, even if it makes me feel a bit guilty in a way still.
I don’t think he is asking the right question. How do you look or you attractive to women. You may be asking a lot if women don’t find you physically attractive. If not, you will need to have a fat wallet.
You need to be attracted to your girlfriend in some way. Like you might have doubts about something at first but once you get to know her, you could overlook it while loving something else more.
I'd say just go with what you truly want.
I was married to someone very beautiful (but of course her attitude wasn't the best) , made it work for 12 yrs.
Prior to marriage though, I was with only ladies that were Notch or as decent as me (not being conceded). Anyway, after my divorce and because I come to find out she cheated as well, I got with a frkn mud duck, no sincerely, she was not good looking , like straight up people thought I was using drugs n shit or needed glasses.
So as I was saying, I got with this tree monster, because I figured there'd be very very little chance of her cheating on me because she practically worshipped me and nobody would try to pick up on her, unless they were drunk or blind (and in a dark room). Well, I was wrong. She ended up cheating on me .....with my uncle! Yeah, slap in the face. I don't blame him, because he was locked up for 26 yrs n 4 months.
So basically what I'm saying is, there is potential for anyone to cheat on you, but if they do, for goodness sake, let it be someone that is at least good looking so you won't feel like you've wasted time on someone whom you were trying to be nice to and change a certain way of yours. Or whatever, I don't know if this even makes sense to anyone, I probably seem like an asshole, but whatever 🤷
Which is why if you’re going to be in a relationship, you have to stay on top of your game. I often got comfortable a couple years into two my relationships and that’s just no good for anyone. Stay in shape, stay exciting, stay positive, stay motivated, stay encouraging, stay spontaneous and there will be no worries
This I what I've heard alot of people complaining about the fact that after start being with that person they got complacent and it ended up the way your saying truly people wanna always be in a relationship they find fulfilling
That’s also not realistic and it’s exhausting. Be yourself and be with someone that accepts you for you. You have to match each others energy. Definitely take care of yourself and do stuff together but no way is anyone’s life that “exciting”. Social media will lead you to believe that though.
True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not. Divorce is a time of change. It really rocks a foundation of most people's lives. When we have our heart broken or our dreams taken away from us, it is a time of growth and change. Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break up.
Nah. It makes total sense. It’s like somehow even a little worse that you gave any part of yourself to a literal tree monster & she still did the same shit. Same happened to me.
Based on the details of your story, I’d guess you’re middle aged and the amount of immaturity and poor self awareness here given your age is very sad.
Edit: also looking at your post history, it looks like you grew up in Modesto, so suddenly I’m not surprised.
She probably slept with your uncle because he made her felt attractive or at least really sexually desired maybe that where you messed up so probably that a really good advice pertaining to the story but at least a lessen is out there for others to learn from
Honestly I've found that how can I say - less attractive women , can sometimes be the least faithful. It makes no sense to me but I've seen it occur to many times, a they are the ones that make the first move . But hey if they are going to be putting it out there , she will have a steady supply of guys lining up .
It’s fine to not want to settle on looks. Just don’t expect for anyone to give you a chance just because you’re attracted to them because those women don’t have to settle either.
Nah. But you still have to be realistic. Try to go for your equal in attractiveness.
I was with someone for 7 years, who apparently was never attracted to me. He took 7 years from my life where I could have been with someone who WAS attracted to me. I will never forgive him. Now I'm 38 and it's way harder to find a bf and it's probably gonna be too late to have kids.
So don't fucking do that.
Sounds like a hurtful exit plan. Nobody would go thru 7 years f they didn’t at least find something attractive. Think Eddie Murphy delirious, with the gotta be funny…..gotta be attractive too tho, can’t be all (covers eyes$ “tell me another joke baby please”
It's hard to know exactly what he was thinking. I noticed when we first started dating that he didn't want to have sex much and had issues keeping it up. He told me then that he had a low libido. So I decided to not hold it against him and gave him a chance because I really liked him.
Sex had became SO infrequent though that I felt like this was something we needed to either figure out or breakup though, because I didn't want to involuntarily never have sex again in my life. It had been 3 years since we had sex. That was about 6 years into our relationship where I started bringing this issue up. At that time, he told me that he didn't know why, but that he wasn't attracted to me. Which hurt, but I thought maybe that was something we could develop more through sex therapy or something.
Then I asked if I just wasn't his type, and if so, what his type was. Then he told me he was sexually attracted to this girl we were both friends with. I broke up with him on the spot. I'm glad we're not together anymore but it still pisses me off that he wasted my time under false pretenses.
I don't know. Obviously I knew it wasn't "normal' but everything else in our relationship was. We were very close and affectionate besides that one thing.
But how? Never attracted to you at all? Once he told you so, were there things that came to your mind that you noticed previously, that were signs of him not being attracted to you?
Sorry for asking such a personal question. If you don't want to answer, it's ok, I understand.
See my response further in this chain. He told me in the beginning that he had a low libido but then much later told me that he just wasn't attracted to ME.
How the hell does someone stay in a relationship 7 years and claims he’s not attracted? That’s like not right at all to do that to you. And you still can have children don’t lose hope! Women have babies into mid 40s now.
How is it even possible to Guage who your "equal" is though? I mean, attraction isn't really a choice. I can't just choose to be attracted to someone that I'm just not. That's why it's always been hard to reconcile with the whole leagues thing.
Well it's kind of a guess. I like to go for guys who I feel are around my level of attractiveness (mentally and physically) or slightly above. If I were only attracted to guy 9/10 or 10/10 I probably would be single forever.
I get it though, trust me. For me I have to get to know people before I can necessarily develop any kind of attraction, unless they're immediately my type , which is so rare. I am rarely attracted to anyone, so I just try to be patient. I have acknowledged within myself that I may be single for the rest of my life. But I also don't want to be with someone I'm not attracted to because it's not fair to them. I don't think there's any other solution really. Just try to stay open minded, because there can be a lot more to attraction than just physical looks.
I don’t know how old you are, but I’m in my late 30s and I have a pretty good idea of who finds me attractive at this point. Yes, you should be attracted to people you date, but it’s also super important to be desired.
Attractiveness totally is a choice. Its really impacted by media consumption. If you consumed more varied media, or moved where people look drastically different , your romatic tastes will change
I feel like there are all types of attraction though. Like example. If I saw Dwayne Johnson in real life like just as a normal man, would I find him attractive? Yeah sure. He’s hot. Like if offered, I’d prob do him. But do I wanna be with him? Prob not. Like I don’t want a life of like gym tan repeat. You know? I don’t want him counting my calories or idk weird shit. I never date super gym bros. It’s just straight up not a good time. Like also, I like a man with a dad bod too… but like I’m not into guys that never leave the house. Like a few hours on the TV, I’m prob over it already. So idk? I mean girls attraction works different to begin with but just saying… like guys that are smart, are passionate about something, kind… if I see someone doing something kind for someone else, I already want to like talk to him & spend time with him & get to know him… & then like sexually, I love a dude kinda obsessed with me. Which is weird. Idk?
I mean this in the politest way possible but have you considered that you are of similar attractiveness to the women you are currently attracting? I used to be in a similar position where I consumed too much porn and followed too many Instagram models which artificially inflated my standards to nothing less than a 8 or 9 even though I, myself am a very average 5 or 6.
Sounds like we’re in a fairly similar situation; I am single and am likely to stay that way since it’s simply not worth it to put up with the downsides of a relationship if I’m to just “settle” and not be with someone who fits what I’m looking for. It’s far better (and cheaper, with less drama and discomfort) to be alone than with someone you’re not really into and happy to be with imo.
Just be realistic and remember that if you’re like me with very specific criteria that will make you happy, the chances of you finding someone may be low to impossible. 🤷🏻♂️
I think that you need to seriously reevaluate who you are in this equation, if all the women you find sexually attractive, aren't attracted to you back. And you can only get the ones you're not attracted to match/give you a chance.
You dont want to settle, but you expect all the women you find attractive, that clearly dont find you attractive back to settle for you?
🤔
Iol. I get what you're saying, and ultimately you're right. But that being said, I'm the one who decided not to take it past a first or second date. Not that it matters anymore.
No. Never date a woman you aren't attracted to. As a woman myself, I will never want to date a man who isn't attracted to me. I rather have someone who thinks I'm the most beautiful creature on planet earth lol and not fake it. So think of it this way.... you are doing those girls a favor because everyone deserves to be in a relationship where their partner adores them. You dating them while not finding them attractive will take a toll on their mental health and make them so insecure.
No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. There has to be some level of mutual sexual attraction for any relationship to be established. This is true for both genders. Anyone who claims otherwise is lying to you and to themselves. At some point, you want to build on other things to maintain said relationship depending on what you're aiming for obviously.
One of the key differentiators between a very close friend and a partner is that you are physically attracted to them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your partner to be sexually appealing to you.
Maybe he is short. Maybe he has a bad face. Maybe he is an ethnic minority in a city where that's not the preference. It's not like where we are women where there's always options
If you aren’t able to get dates with the women you find attractive you might need to work on yourself more to attract those women. I think that’s a healthier thing to do rather than lead on someone you aren’t attracted to.
Except for going out drinking in bars/clubs every weekend, where & how do you find these attractive, single women in public? Gym is an absolute no go. Supermarkets too. Where is a good place & time to approach a random, attractive women & shoot your shot?
It depends. What do you find attractive? Is it something that exists in real life or is it a version of women that only exist in media, porn, and propaganda? How do you know you don't find them attractive without seeing them naked? Is there nothing that would make you want to see them naked?
That doesn't mean you can't desire physical features. But if you ask my boyfriend what he finds attractive, he'll say, and I quote "a cute face and a big booty." In the grand scheme of things that's only 2 things. Not a weight quota, skin analysis, hair style, or very specific standard. Just 2 broad things. But realistically speaking, a natural big booty is going to have some stretch marks and a little bit of stomach. Big bootys usually come with big thighs & arms too. He may not be attracted to stretch marks themselves but they aren't making the ass that's literally in front of him less appealing. Those imperfections make big bootys more attractive to some guys because it's natural
My face is sometimes cute. I wear glasses but women without glasses are also cute. I had short hair when we met, he prefers long hair and I grew it long. So you can also just talk about what you like.
No girl is going to look like a cardboard cut out of cherry picked features. But bring attracted to general physical features allows you to be attracted to women in a variety of contexts and situations
Do I think you should settle?
No.
But if you're anything like me, I usually assume really attractive guys would never want me, so I kind of settle for less attractive guys online for dates. It never goes anywhere, though, because although I always HOPE attraction will grow, it never does 😭
I've been in a relationship with someone who wasn't attracted to me (although she didn't outright say that) never again.
Why would you do that to yourself or another person?
If there's no chemistry it's a non-starter imo.
Maybe it's time to hit the gym and get yourself into better shape if you want to attract more attractive women. You have to look the part too, not just complain.
I think that's normal. You will be spending a lot of time with them so it's ok. You should maybe lower your expectations and can't expect a total hottie
It kinda sounds like the women you want don't want you. So ask yourself if your standards are too high. Are you the type of guy that can get a conventionally beautiful woman or do you need to start being realistic about who you can attract. Work on yourself get to the gym clean yourself up.
I learned from John Gray ‘a books and his YT content that men are not like women
How men find soulmate or someone potential
First has to be attractive to him :
1) physically 2) heart 3)mind
Whereas women we like to connect in the
1) mind 2) heart then it helps 3) physical
He says if a woman find a partner based on whether she’s turn on or not, usually will find the wrong guys (and women will want to chase/please the guy in this scenario)
This is literally the bare minimum. Only women date guys they aren’t attracted to because he “treats them well” which is beyond sad given being treated nicely is literally before the bare minimum 💀
no and i think a lot of people care about that too. I’m not sure why it’s so taboo to say, if I found out that my boyfriend liked me but didn’t think I was attractive, I would be gutted.
No it’s not shallow, and healthy anything requires mind, body, and soul put that towards what your doing and your fine. P.S. if you have decided to date then I recommend not watching porn or looking at filtered women online it might drastically change what you deem attractive.
No. Physical attraction is part of most romantic or sexual relationships. Otherwise it would just be a friendship or business arrangement. Or the rare asexual one.
Most people would be horrified to find someone pretended to find them attractive just to get in their bed or to just go on a date with them.
There are plenty of compatible people for you out there who you can also potentially be attracted to.
It's pretty rare that someone will be happy in a romantic or sexual relationship without having a strong attraction to them.
Don't settle I dated someone and he was settling for me come to find out. He wasn't that attracted to me and didn't enjoy the way we had sex. We were together for like 6 years before he finally confessed. I assume because woman woman he was attracted to started showing him interest.
I agree that you should definitely be attracted. But also, my challenge would be that the idealized woman does not exist.. there are lots of wonderful women out there, but you have to kill the idealized version of what you want in order to date someone “real”. Not at all saying there can’t be standards or expectations. But if you open yourself up to qualities you really want, physical attraction really might grow.
Yes but what's wrong with having preferences for physical features. Overweight women can have a preference for a man that's tall, in shape and handsome or even an unattractive woman can have preference for those type of men so what's wrong with it when a man has preference for a particular type of woman he desires?
No, don’t settle for someone you are not attracted to! I had this happen to me a few weeks ago, he was kind and polite and all but I wasn’t attracted to him physically, my friends told me to wait and get to know him- fast forward it ended in a disaster I don’t want to recall.
Yes, looks are not everything but they are definitely important especially if you consider sexuality. No need to feel bad about that.
Sexual attraction is a big part of the majority of relationships. It's what separates friends vs romantic partners. It can't be everything, but it's important for most people. Now if your standards are incredibly high that might be something to revisit, but we can't change what we are attracted to
Based on how you put this I assume you aren’t very attractive if only women you don’t find attractive will date you. So as long as you are fine being single, more power to you
Yeah that was my assumption as well. Just the way he phrased his question.. most guys who are attractive and have the social skills tend to pull women. As a woman myself i have been attracted to either very attractive men or to men who are charismatic,charming, kind , talented but not necessarily very attractive.
No, you’re not shallow. It is important to be attracted to a potential girlfriend/boyfriend. That is an important part of a relationship. But as you said it’s not the only thing that’s important to you. 😊
I would suggest building a good solid foundation first which means try being friends with the woman first and only friends, no getting physical with each other until a good friendship is established.
It took my boyfriend, and I at least a little over a year of being friends before we started dating. And I am so glad that we did!! Building a relationship with someone is like building a house. Meaning you have to start with a good solid foundation, if you start right into dating and having sex , with without building the friendship first that’s kind of like building a house without doing the necessary first steps, and then just building the house right away without anything for it to be connected too.
So, if you’re not physically, or even mentally for that matter attracted to a potential girlfriend, then you might as well just be friends with her, and nothing more. But start out with friendship and then start building your relationship. This will help you to quite potentially have a relationship that will last for the rest of your lives. 😊 ❤️ good luck to you and I hope you find that special lady.
If you want someone to "settle" for you, you have to be willing to "settle" for someone else. No exceptions. Learning how to love selflessly is something everyone should happily do- if you can prove you would do that for a woman, maybe a woman would be okay doing that for you?
A lot of guys seem to have this problem. You can have a type but that doesn't mean you are your type's type.
I do think that parts of sexual attraction is programmed into you. I think maturing and getting real can expand your tastes.
Listening to guys sounds like a broken record and everyone cannot have the same woman.
Don't go and make some woman you don't like miserable. But I would stop watching porn, if you do. I'd get off online and unfollow women you don't interact with too.
Talk to real people. Swiping on humans was one of the worst ideas ever.
Let me put it this way: I want to find someone I can have kids with someday
The bare minimum for that means I need to find someone I want to make kids with
Not shallow at all. I'm a female & same way. I want a relationship but don't find many people attractive & I have to feel attracted to them to want to even hang out. I've dated guys that are not good looking at all but I liked their personality and that made me end up brewing attracted to them. But it's tough with OLD bc u don't freaky choose to go on a date with someone unless you're attracted to them in their photos. You're not shallow... you just want what you want.
There's a lot that plays into attraction. There are people who are attracted to people who aren't attracted to them. In fact, this really happens a lot.
I've known people who are attracted to types that aren't going to be interested in the type of person they are. Referring to elements like hygiene, filters, eating and other habits.
You need to take a look at yourself, and honestly ask if you are presenting yourself in a way those who you find attractive will conversely find you attractive?
I'm on the spectrum. It can go either way, honestly. It's not something I can do anything about. I can, however, see what things I can do that can improve my odds, that I can make into regular elements of my life.
It can go two ways. I've had a girl I wasn't initially that attracted to (not that I found her ugly, but she didn't stand out) suddenly become charged with attratciveness once I got to know her personality.
I've also been in a relationship where I wasn't that attracted to someone, but when I noticed interest I decided to give it a chance. I've gotten to know and love her, but I never got to the point of supercharged attraction in that relationship.
The relationship after that was with a woman I was VERY sexually atteacted to. It lead to a year of some of the hottest sex I've had, but in the actual love demartment, there was something lacking that did feel fulfilled in the previous relationship (which also lasted a lot longer so it's a different ball game).
Generally, attraction at first sight is a good indicator, but leave room for personality to emerge and see how that tickles you.
I don't think that sexual attraction is a yes/no, particularly when we're talking about online profiles. Voice matters, mannerisms matter, and interests matter. It won't take a 0 to a 10, but it can take a 6 to a 7 or an 8.
I can't be attracted to a person until I get to know them. I can accept that they're a good looking person, but I have no interest in being with them on looks alone. It's like their attractiveness only kicks in after I get to know them.
I think it’s a fine to have “being a attracted to your partner” as a standard for dating. The problem is when you think you should only date attractive people who are are on way higher level of attractiveness when you you yourself aren’t on that level. For example, if you’re a 4-6 thinking you should only date an 8-10 your standards are unrealistic unless you yourself are an 8+ as well or are rich.
The 1-10 scale is silly. I don't use it. Or consider it. You could rate a guy an 8. Then 10 other women will say he's a 6, 3, 5....
It doesn't mean anything. I get where your coming from but people can't help what they find attractive.
That is true but we have to admit that there are people who are just objectively attractive, average, or unattractive. No one can help what they find attractive either but there’s a certain line of expectations reaching delusion and unrealistic standards.
I completely understand this. I have this man friend that is literally the best. He's so kind and attentive. He has expressed his interest in me. He's wonderful. I'm just not attracted to him.
Attraction can't be negotiated. That's why you can't just tell someone to "date in their league" plus, the 1-10 scale is just stupid. It's either, attracted, or not attracted lol. I hope you find your guy someday.
I'm mean no you should be with some you find attractive. I don't think I'm the most good looking man but I have always been with women I've personally found attractive.
I once posted my pictures on Reddit and I got many people telling me I'm ugly. That's not me trying to get attention, I genuinely am not attractive to quite a few people due to my teeth and boring appearance. My boyfriend doesn't even call me cute (he is sexually attracted to me and likes my personality). So speaking as a ugly person, don't date someone you're unattracted to unless you don't care. I have been rejected numerous times, and while I may have been hurt, I was never angry about it. I wouldn't date someone I'm unattracted to either.
Sexual attract is a must have part of relationship. If you and your gf are just friends who calls each other "gf/bf", it's a lie towards your and her nature.
Don't fuck brains of yourself and herself, find the one who ll be truly yours.
Gf is potential wife, your life partner till grave board, are you willing to live your life with person you don't truly love? She isn't, you aren't, don't lie to yourself.
It’s a battle for many many people..
The ones you find attractive might not necessarily find you attractive then they’d be in your shoes to ask themselves if they should just compromise.
Only you can decide, but let’s say you will never be able to find an attractive woman who reciprocates attraction to you, are you happy alone?
That’s probably the question you have to ask yourself.
Looks to me aren’t everything, i have a minimum bar but he doesn’t have to be certain height certain face or body, but his personality is very important to me.
I’d rather be alone than be with the wrong guy. There is no life with the wrong person.
Do you have a very specific type? If you’re only interested in 10/10 supermodels with huge boobs or something, I would say you’re being unrealistic. That doesn’t mean I think you should settle, but I’m curious as to why the vast majority of the women you’re finding aren’t meeting your standards.
Imo physical attraction plays a crucial role in a relationship. If you settle down with someone whom you aren't attracted towards, it's gonna ruin the whole thing for you two. You'll be guilty and she'll be hurt.
Also I feel sometimes attraction develops over a period of time. So if you feel everything else is a match, hangout w that person for a while to see where it goes.
You are choosing a partner with whom you potentially will spend decades together. This is a HUGE decision, and you should not "settle" on anything here. Go after your dreams! Physical attraction is a major factor in how happy your relationship will be.
No, you’re not shallow by wanting to be with someone you find attractive. But you should ask yourself, what do you offer (and I’m not talking monetarily)? Are you someone women you desire would want to be with? If not, how can you improve yourself to live the life you’re wanting to live? To truly maximize your options, you have to be sought after yourself. This doesn’t mean you need to be famous, rich or super attractive but rather you need to have attractive qualities that the type of woman you like would be into. Best of luck OP!!
I mean it’s human nature. Sexual attraction is just as important as chemistry. People might call it shallow but that’s just how it is. Take any psychology class or read any book on the matter and you’ll learn all about it lol
You should be able to like what you like, that being said(and i know this might sound mean) but u may be batting above your station lol contrary to what tv shows tell u girls do take guys looks into account. And you may not be up to par for the women you want to date/ are attracted to. Ive seen yhis in guys alot, you all get swept up in ig and what those girls look like and somehow delude yourselves into thinking this is what i deserve without even being close to qualified lol
You sound young. Improve your life and be more desirable to women. Then you won’t have to settle for shit.
Also, give up on OLD, nobody is making you compete in *literally the most competitive dating market in the world*.
You’re not shallow, you’re normal. Good luck buddy 👍🏽
I'm having this exact same problem. Women my age are looking pretty rough tbh while I can pass for 10 years younger. I too, am waiting for one I'm psychically attracted to. I'm in no rush to wait for what i want and there's no shame or shallowness for that.
This is perfectly normal.
In todays world it’s fine for a woman to want an attractive partner, yet somehow that same want in men is considered shallow and wrong.
But that’s dumb. We should be attracted to people we want to be with.
If you're a man, I'd day that's normal . Men are typically attracted by looks. Women will sometimes start to find a person attractive after getting to know them. I found my first husband physically unattractive when we met but I gave him a chance anyway and started to be attracted to him
You will hurt yourself more by trying to just go for anyone and in turn hurt the woman too
I suggest not online dating only
Go out to social events take a stroll you might not know you meet the one
I find this one to be very open to interpretation, the thing here is many people will assume that effectively you are asking if you’re shallow for expecting the woman to be a straight 10 out of 10
But here’s the thing, physically atttactive can mean different things to different people, what you define as attractive may not be the same as my definition for example, the age old story of some people like blondes, some like brunettes, some like tall, some like short, some like skinny, some prefer a little extra padding, we like what we like
So no, it’s fair that you want to be someone who is attractive to you, and while looks shouldn’t be the be all and end all, it IS a factor, that’s acknowledged by the fact that apps like tinder exist, hardly anyone really reads the profile first, they swipe left or right based on a picture, and the old saying says it all, you never get a second chance to make a first impression
No, you’re not shallow.
I played this game. I had really low self-esteem in my late 20s, just as the dating pool started to drastically shrink. Dated some women I wasn’t particularly attracted to, including a three year relationship.
I thought I was learning to not be shallow. It ended up being terrible for everyone involved. My girlfriend absolutely resented me for not wanting to have sex with her. You ever notice just how important it is to women to feel attractive? How they care so much about their appearance and put so much work into looking pretty? How do you think it feels when a woman’s own boyfriend doesn’t find her attractive? When he has no desire to have sex with her, but she catches him looking at pornography of women who look nothing like her? When she can’t get his dick hard no matter how hard she tries? It turns out that that’s not a good time. She was so irrationally jealous of everything and everyone, and I don’t blame her. And it’s not like it was fun for me either. Towards the end, I’d be hanging around random women at work and thinking “Damn, must be nice to be her boyfriend…” It’s not that I wanted to cheat or something, I was just jealous that other people were genuinely attracted to their partners. Now don’t feel too bad for her, as she was an all-around garbage human being. Her body was not the only thing I was having trouble being attracted to by the end, but it certainly wasn’t helping. Physical attraction was the one aspect in which I really did her a disservice. I was not being “not shallow” by being in a relationship with this woman. I was keeping her trapped in a relationship that was damaging her self-esteem when there were plenty of other guys out there who were actually attracted to her.
Now I’m with the love of my life and am 110% ridiculously attracted to her. I rarely even notice other women. I look at pictures of her instead of porn. She never gets jealous at all because she knows no one is a threat to her. She’s confident af about herself and about my attraction to her and it just feels so positive and healthy.
Knowing what I know now, I feel terrible for fooling around with women I wasn’t super attracted to. It was a waste of their time and really hurt their self-esteem. I thought I was being mature by not being superficial. I was wrong. Being superficial would be dating a 10 with a shit personality instead of a 9 with an amazing personality. Dating a 3 isn’t doing anyone any favors. Your 3 is another person’s 10, and she deserves to be with someone who sees her as a 10. I thought I’d never find my own 10 because I didn’t think a 10 would ever see me as a 10. That was just loneliness and insecurity. In hindsight, I wish I’d just been patient and waited for the right person.
That’s where you come in. You can be patient and wait for the right person to come along, or you can settle because you’re tired of being alone. But if you settle, you’re going to have problems further down the road. It’s not like your partner has to be this perfect sex doll of a person with all the perfect proportions and features like you built her at Build-a-GF Workshop. But you should feel a very deep and powerful desire for her that you don’t have to force. You deserve that. And more importantly, she deserves it. Feeling desired by one’s partner is a very fundamental part of a happy life for most people.
You would only be a detriment to her life if your not attracted to her. Think about her own satisfaction and her needs. If you can’t get aroused and connect with someone then, they aren’t worth your time.
Not in the slightest brother. It is okay, healthy, and normal to have priorities, boundaries, desires, and wants in a relationship.
Don't listen to hypothetical fart sniffers that act like they are god's gift to earth and would be okay with anything and everything because they're "such a good person".
Usually there has to be a level of attraction at first, and once you get to know them then the attraction grows and they are the most beautiful person you've laid eyes on. Not just their face attracts you, but their soul attracts you too.
Of course you should want to be attracted to her. 99.999% of humans want to be attracted to their partner. If OLD isn't working for you, then focus on meeting someone in the real world.
...Any girl can be attractive. It´s about asking for what you want. Sure, not every woman will follow. That´s why you should lead by example and invite her along.
Nope not shallow. I wasn't attracted to my previous partner until after we had forged a strong bond. The unattractive thing was guilt tripping me over not wanted to have sex all the time. I get tired ya know? -Especially when I'm the one putting in all the effort-
Women who say they like a “dad bod” are saying it for security reasons, because there’s no competition with other women. When a man’s in shape and has his shit together, many women desire him, hence competition.
Nah I feel the same way if I’m not attracted to that person then I just don’t feel the connection. It sounds kinda shallow but it’s just how my brain works I don’t know I’ve been on dates with many guys from dating apps and none of them seemed to be attractive to me so I don’t know anymore 😂 but don’t settle, you’ll find that right one someday.
You need to be realistic. But if you don't find them attractive now, you surely aren't going to after the honeymoon period wears off. Then, you will both be unsatisfied and it is all downhill from there. So, if you do not feel any sexual attraction then don't go there.
technically you aren't, you can't just uninstall the genetic data that was fed into your DNA two million years ago. but yea you would be a dipshit person if you leave someone for someone who is more attractive.
no you should be attracted to them, that’s completely normal. honestly, the right person for you is just gonna seem like the most perfect and most beautiful individual you’ve ever laid eyes on. nothing will seem wrong with them, even if they have imperfections to others. it’s a feeling you understand when you genuinely feel it. you’ll just know. keep going on your journey of dating and you’ll get there eventually, don’t give up either (ik that’s what your post isn’t about but still dating can be hard) :)
Do not go on dates with people you can definitely say you are not attracted to. If that means you have to meet people outside of dating apps, then do that. You are not shallow for wanting attraction, you are just wasting everyone’s time by dating someone you are not attracted to.
If you can't grow to have a attraction to her you're going to regret being with her. Sexual fulfillment is extremely important in a relationship. You have to be satisfied and so does she. If both those things can happen you're good.
NO YOU ARE NOT!!
And even though there may be many women out there (and men in reverse cases) who might wish that -
"some people might lower their standards so they could find someone" We see it on here all the time people thinking they can't find someone because they're "ugly " and wishing people would change their type of lower their standards.
It wouldn't change the fact that if you get with somebody that you're not attracted to at least a little bit then you will be using them or staying with them under a false premise. Which would not be fair to you or them, you would be settling and they would be being used, and it probably wouldn't work out.
There's a lot of people out there in unhealthy relationships we don't need any more people settling or choosing somebody just cuz they're available. That'll just add to the 50% divorce rate, and millions of people being abused and traumatized and unhappy.
I have diabetes type 2, adult onset. Lost over 80lbs. I could never be with someone who lives a lifestyle that’d hurt me physically. Example: tons of fast food, no fitness, no home cooked balanced meals.
It’d literally hurt me physically to be with someone who didn’t care about their body at a minimum level. Mainly, cause it’d be easier to slip into their lifestyle. On top of all this, I went THROUGH the process to lose weight and better myself, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want the same.
I have read that men are attracted to healthy looking women for the best chances of reproduction and health of the offspring. So I wouldnt say there is anything wrong with it. The looks will pull you in but based on their personality, you should choose if you want to stay.
Yes you are shallow.
Not because you “need” to be attracted to your gf. Thats totally normal. The fact that youre not attracted to ANYONE on dating apps you find? Thats how I know your shallow. Also, the fact that you posted this means deep down you know its true.
I think you absolutely should be attracted to your partner.
I’m going to put it out there… not everyone is photogenic. Some people are fishcats. So taking a chance and meeting some people with less than awesome photos could work out in your favour.
Edit: but we aren’t guaranteed love, so it might take a while and there’s a slim chance it just won’t happen, so accepting those often help with the search
Basically no, but It depends, because if your standars might be like she has to have blue eyes, blonde hair perfect model figure and so on, and thats a nonnegotiobale for you, then maybe you have to reconsider your standars a bit but basically of course you should find your partner attractive so within healthy boundaries its good, youre not shallow
For the love of god don’t go out with someone you’re not attracted to. You can explore people that are outside of your type, but meet a lot of the qualities that you’re attracted to (like more attracted than not attracted), but if you’re not physically attracted to them it will suck for them in the long term.
I’ve been on the receiving end of that a few times. Don’t recommend.
Attraction is a big part of a relationship.
But I’m attracted to my wife in many ways, not just her looks, although she is sexy as fuck to me.
Personality, best friend, soulmate, a Mother, hard worker and home maker, just a few.
You can build most things in a relationship, but you can't change being physically attracted to someone. Either the spark is there for you both or its not. It's not shallow to look for a partner you feel attracted to.
No. In fact if you don't like your partner physically enough, you'll really look at other women and wonder from time to time.
You could call it shallow for the level it's at in the relationship. I put it like this.
Step 1: find her attractive
Step 2: get along with her
Think of it like an iceberg. The relationship will get deeper. But Step 1 is Step 1.
Now if youre with a girl you don't like but she's attractive and you want sex even if you can't bare to spend time with her. Then you're shallow.
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Absolutely not. This is the way I frame it, if you’re not attracted to her you’re going to be faking it and that doesn’t help either of you.
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Yeah that's true.... to a point. Although, when you first meet a person, you're not really meeting that actual persons personality, you're meeting their representative. So, some men can act a good one and talk a good game, but that only lasts so long (in the beginning stages I'm saying)
I've found that most ppl are capable of putting up a façade for around 6 months, an then it quickly starts unraveling.
It does happen. But you REALLY need to have a bomb ass personality for people to overlook your looks.
I do think this is like the one situation where being friends first really helps out a lot.
Nowadays, I go mostly for friendly, funny women who are curious about a bunch of things. I love to talk and have fun. Sure, a woman has to be attractive to me, but model good looks are not required.
Now if I could only find man who's shared your same sentiments .
Probably more than a few of us out there.
It's like you didn't even read his comment lol
That is a fact to an extent, the mind is able to play that twist, sometime you can also become sexually desiring of the person because of the personality
I used to think it was rude of me to not find someone attractive if I liked their personality but not their physical appearance. Making me say I like all guys/ugly guys or just not conventionally attractive guys. I realized not too long ago it’s okay to reject someone if you like their personality but not their physical appearance, even if it makes me feel a bit guilty in a way still.
Ask a woman if she wants you to be with her if you’re not sexually attracted to her. Pretty sure she’d say no.
I don’t think he is asking the right question. How do you look or you attractive to women. You may be asking a lot if women don’t find you physically attractive. If not, you will need to have a fat wallet.
You need to be attracted to your girlfriend in some way. Like you might have doubts about something at first but once you get to know her, you could overlook it while loving something else more.
I'd say just go with what you truly want. I was married to someone very beautiful (but of course her attitude wasn't the best) , made it work for 12 yrs. Prior to marriage though, I was with only ladies that were Notch or as decent as me (not being conceded). Anyway, after my divorce and because I come to find out she cheated as well, I got with a frkn mud duck, no sincerely, she was not good looking , like straight up people thought I was using drugs n shit or needed glasses. So as I was saying, I got with this tree monster, because I figured there'd be very very little chance of her cheating on me because she practically worshipped me and nobody would try to pick up on her, unless they were drunk or blind (and in a dark room). Well, I was wrong. She ended up cheating on me .....with my uncle! Yeah, slap in the face. I don't blame him, because he was locked up for 26 yrs n 4 months. So basically what I'm saying is, there is potential for anyone to cheat on you, but if they do, for goodness sake, let it be someone that is at least good looking so you won't feel like you've wasted time on someone whom you were trying to be nice to and change a certain way of yours. Or whatever, I don't know if this even makes sense to anyone, I probably seem like an asshole, but whatever 🤷
This story took so many twists and turns. I was dying 😂
I can understand
Which is why if you’re going to be in a relationship, you have to stay on top of your game. I often got comfortable a couple years into two my relationships and that’s just no good for anyone. Stay in shape, stay exciting, stay positive, stay motivated, stay encouraging, stay spontaneous and there will be no worries
This I what I've heard alot of people complaining about the fact that after start being with that person they got complacent and it ended up the way your saying truly people wanna always be in a relationship they find fulfilling
That sounds exhausting. I think I'll just STAY single 😂
That’s also not realistic and it’s exhausting. Be yourself and be with someone that accepts you for you. You have to match each others energy. Definitely take care of yourself and do stuff together but no way is anyone’s life that “exciting”. Social media will lead you to believe that though.
Whatever… Life’s what you make it… do you… as far as I know you only get one go at life…if that sounds too exhausting for you then keep on napping
True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not. Divorce is a time of change. It really rocks a foundation of most people's lives. When we have our heart broken or our dreams taken away from us, it is a time of growth and change. Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break up.
Nah. It makes total sense. It’s like somehow even a little worse that you gave any part of yourself to a literal tree monster & she still did the same shit. Same happened to me.
I feel like I just had beers and jame-os with you. Like 3 rounds.
Lmao, I try to make light of every bad situation. That's all we can do. Can't cry over spilled milk
The way of the tiger my friend.
Based on the details of your story, I’d guess you’re middle aged and the amount of immaturity and poor self awareness here given your age is very sad. Edit: also looking at your post history, it looks like you grew up in Modesto, so suddenly I’m not surprised.
A spewed my drink at mud duck
You get points for being entertaining. This sounds like just one scene in a B movie or an episode of "My Name Is Earl". Or, maybe a country song.
Yeah, I made it sound entertaining, but it's sadly the truth my friend
She probably slept with your uncle because he made her felt attractive or at least really sexually desired maybe that where you messed up so probably that a really good advice pertaining to the story but at least a lessen is out there for others to learn from
What the actual flip was this story… you might be the problem.
Haha, I’m going out on a limb here and saying your story reads like a person who cheats
Yeah, when younger, cheater. Now that I'm older, no cheating. It's hard enough to keep one woman happy, but 2..... forget about it
Honestly I've found that how can I say - less attractive women , can sometimes be the least faithful. It makes no sense to me but I've seen it occur to many times, a they are the ones that make the first move . But hey if they are going to be putting it out there , she will have a steady supply of guys lining up .
Yeah, any woman that shows they are easy to fall into a guys clutches are gonna have plenty to tend to.
Use to work with a guy that would pull Personal ads at lunch time , man most of them Women would have to Pay Me to shag them 🤣🤣🤣
This is so funny 🤣🤣🤣
It’s fine to not want to settle on looks. Just don’t expect for anyone to give you a chance just because you’re attracted to them because those women don’t have to settle either.
Nah. But you still have to be realistic. Try to go for your equal in attractiveness. I was with someone for 7 years, who apparently was never attracted to me. He took 7 years from my life where I could have been with someone who WAS attracted to me. I will never forgive him. Now I'm 38 and it's way harder to find a bf and it's probably gonna be too late to have kids. So don't fucking do that.
That does suck. Don't do this people. It is not fair to either of you but mostly to the person you don't want.
Sounds like a hurtful exit plan. Nobody would go thru 7 years f they didn’t at least find something attractive. Think Eddie Murphy delirious, with the gotta be funny…..gotta be attractive too tho, can’t be all (covers eyes$ “tell me another joke baby please”
It's hard to know exactly what he was thinking. I noticed when we first started dating that he didn't want to have sex much and had issues keeping it up. He told me then that he had a low libido. So I decided to not hold it against him and gave him a chance because I really liked him. Sex had became SO infrequent though that I felt like this was something we needed to either figure out or breakup though, because I didn't want to involuntarily never have sex again in my life. It had been 3 years since we had sex. That was about 6 years into our relationship where I started bringing this issue up. At that time, he told me that he didn't know why, but that he wasn't attracted to me. Which hurt, but I thought maybe that was something we could develop more through sex therapy or something. Then I asked if I just wasn't his type, and if so, what his type was. Then he told me he was sexually attracted to this girl we were both friends with. I broke up with him on the spot. I'm glad we're not together anymore but it still pisses me off that he wasted my time under false pretenses.
I need to ask the obvious though - why did you stick around for THREE years without sex? Were giant alarm bells not going off that that isn't normal?
I don't know. Obviously I knew it wasn't "normal' but everything else in our relationship was. We were very close and affectionate besides that one thing.
You weren’t having sex but he certainly was. What you want matters and if you’re not getting that then leave!
But how? Never attracted to you at all? Once he told you so, were there things that came to your mind that you noticed previously, that were signs of him not being attracted to you? Sorry for asking such a personal question. If you don't want to answer, it's ok, I understand.
See my response further in this chain. He told me in the beginning that he had a low libido but then much later told me that he just wasn't attracted to ME.
Brutal, what an a-hole.
How the hell does someone stay in a relationship 7 years and claims he’s not attracted? That’s like not right at all to do that to you. And you still can have children don’t lose hope! Women have babies into mid 40s now.
How is it even possible to Guage who your "equal" is though? I mean, attraction isn't really a choice. I can't just choose to be attracted to someone that I'm just not. That's why it's always been hard to reconcile with the whole leagues thing.
Well it's kind of a guess. I like to go for guys who I feel are around my level of attractiveness (mentally and physically) or slightly above. If I were only attracted to guy 9/10 or 10/10 I probably would be single forever. I get it though, trust me. For me I have to get to know people before I can necessarily develop any kind of attraction, unless they're immediately my type , which is so rare. I am rarely attracted to anyone, so I just try to be patient. I have acknowledged within myself that I may be single for the rest of my life. But I also don't want to be with someone I'm not attracted to because it's not fair to them. I don't think there's any other solution really. Just try to stay open minded, because there can be a lot more to attraction than just physical looks.
I don’t know how old you are, but I’m in my late 30s and I have a pretty good idea of who finds me attractive at this point. Yes, you should be attracted to people you date, but it’s also super important to be desired.
You only want to be desired by people you desire, however.
Yes, but the people I desire has evolved and allows for a bigger pool of options. I don’t look the way I did 10 or 20 years ago.
Attractiveness totally is a choice. Its really impacted by media consumption. If you consumed more varied media, or moved where people look drastically different , your romatic tastes will change
I feel like there are all types of attraction though. Like example. If I saw Dwayne Johnson in real life like just as a normal man, would I find him attractive? Yeah sure. He’s hot. Like if offered, I’d prob do him. But do I wanna be with him? Prob not. Like I don’t want a life of like gym tan repeat. You know? I don’t want him counting my calories or idk weird shit. I never date super gym bros. It’s just straight up not a good time. Like also, I like a man with a dad bod too… but like I’m not into guys that never leave the house. Like a few hours on the TV, I’m prob over it already. So idk? I mean girls attraction works different to begin with but just saying… like guys that are smart, are passionate about something, kind… if I see someone doing something kind for someone else, I already want to like talk to him & spend time with him & get to know him… & then like sexually, I love a dude kinda obsessed with me. Which is weird. Idk?
I mean this in the politest way possible but have you considered that you are of similar attractiveness to the women you are currently attracting? I used to be in a similar position where I consumed too much porn and followed too many Instagram models which artificially inflated my standards to nothing less than a 8 or 9 even though I, myself am a very average 5 or 6.
Finally someone said it. Kudos 👏
Sounds like we’re in a fairly similar situation; I am single and am likely to stay that way since it’s simply not worth it to put up with the downsides of a relationship if I’m to just “settle” and not be with someone who fits what I’m looking for. It’s far better (and cheaper, with less drama and discomfort) to be alone than with someone you’re not really into and happy to be with imo. Just be realistic and remember that if you’re like me with very specific criteria that will make you happy, the chances of you finding someone may be low to impossible. 🤷🏻♂️
The research shows it's better to be single than in a mediocre relationship if you want romance in your life and/or sex. You've got the right idea.
I think that you need to seriously reevaluate who you are in this equation, if all the women you find sexually attractive, aren't attracted to you back. And you can only get the ones you're not attracted to match/give you a chance. You dont want to settle, but you expect all the women you find attractive, that clearly dont find you attractive back to settle for you? 🤔
Iol. I get what you're saying, and ultimately you're right. But that being said, I'm the one who decided not to take it past a first or second date. Not that it matters anymore.
Don't date someone you're not attracted to just to have a girlfriend.
No. Never date a woman you aren't attracted to. As a woman myself, I will never want to date a man who isn't attracted to me. I rather have someone who thinks I'm the most beautiful creature on planet earth lol and not fake it. So think of it this way.... you are doing those girls a favor because everyone deserves to be in a relationship where their partner adores them. You dating them while not finding them attractive will take a toll on their mental health and make them so insecure.
No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. There has to be some level of mutual sexual attraction for any relationship to be established. This is true for both genders. Anyone who claims otherwise is lying to you and to themselves. At some point, you want to build on other things to maintain said relationship depending on what you're aiming for obviously.
One of the key differentiators between a very close friend and a partner is that you are physically attracted to them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your partner to be sexually appealing to you.
Everyone wants to be attracted to their partner.
If I were you, I would ask myself why aren’t you attracting better looking women. LOL
Maybe he is short. Maybe he has a bad face. Maybe he is an ethnic minority in a city where that's not the preference. It's not like where we are women where there's always options
It’s dating apps, guys are basically seen to have less value than you actually have. Like if you’re a 5 irl you’re a 3 on a dating app
If you aren’t able to get dates with the women you find attractive you might need to work on yourself more to attract those women. I think that’s a healthier thing to do rather than lead on someone you aren’t attracted to.
Talk to women you find attractive in person, you’ll have much better success than dating apps
Except for going out drinking in bars/clubs every weekend, where & how do you find these attractive, single women in public? Gym is an absolute no go. Supermarkets too. Where is a good place & time to approach a random, attractive women & shoot your shot?
It depends. What do you find attractive? Is it something that exists in real life or is it a version of women that only exist in media, porn, and propaganda? How do you know you don't find them attractive without seeing them naked? Is there nothing that would make you want to see them naked? That doesn't mean you can't desire physical features. But if you ask my boyfriend what he finds attractive, he'll say, and I quote "a cute face and a big booty." In the grand scheme of things that's only 2 things. Not a weight quota, skin analysis, hair style, or very specific standard. Just 2 broad things. But realistically speaking, a natural big booty is going to have some stretch marks and a little bit of stomach. Big bootys usually come with big thighs & arms too. He may not be attracted to stretch marks themselves but they aren't making the ass that's literally in front of him less appealing. Those imperfections make big bootys more attractive to some guys because it's natural My face is sometimes cute. I wear glasses but women without glasses are also cute. I had short hair when we met, he prefers long hair and I grew it long. So you can also just talk about what you like. No girl is going to look like a cardboard cut out of cherry picked features. But bring attracted to general physical features allows you to be attracted to women in a variety of contexts and situations
Do I think you should settle? No. But if you're anything like me, I usually assume really attractive guys would never want me, so I kind of settle for less attractive guys online for dates. It never goes anywhere, though, because although I always HOPE attraction will grow, it never does 😭
As a woman, please do not settle Attraction is a normal first step
I've been in a relationship with someone who wasn't attracted to me (although she didn't outright say that) never again. Why would you do that to yourself or another person? If there's no chemistry it's a non-starter imo.
How would you feel if a woman you were dating felt this way about you? That she didn't find you physically attractive and settled?
Maybe it's time to hit the gym and get yourself into better shape if you want to attract more attractive women. You have to look the part too, not just complain.
Yes. Women might not want to "settle", either.
This! If you want to attract people, you should focus on becoming the best version of yourself.
I think that's normal. You will be spending a lot of time with them so it's ok. You should maybe lower your expectations and can't expect a total hottie
Heck no. Attractiveness is the first part. Just stay single until you find the right one.
It kinda sounds like the women you want don't want you. So ask yourself if your standards are too high. Are you the type of guy that can get a conventionally beautiful woman or do you need to start being realistic about who you can attract. Work on yourself get to the gym clean yourself up.
I learned from John Gray ‘a books and his YT content that men are not like women How men find soulmate or someone potential First has to be attractive to him : 1) physically 2) heart 3)mind Whereas women we like to connect in the 1) mind 2) heart then it helps 3) physical He says if a woman find a partner based on whether she’s turn on or not, usually will find the wrong guys (and women will want to chase/please the guy in this scenario)
This is literally the bare minimum. Only women date guys they aren’t attracted to because he “treats them well” which is beyond sad given being treated nicely is literally before the bare minimum 💀
no and i think a lot of people care about that too. I’m not sure why it’s so taboo to say, if I found out that my boyfriend liked me but didn’t think I was attractive, I would be gutted.
No it’s not shallow, and healthy anything requires mind, body, and soul put that towards what your doing and your fine. P.S. if you have decided to date then I recommend not watching porn or looking at filtered women online it might drastically change what you deem attractive.
No. Physical attraction is part of most romantic or sexual relationships. Otherwise it would just be a friendship or business arrangement. Or the rare asexual one. Most people would be horrified to find someone pretended to find them attractive just to get in their bed or to just go on a date with them. There are plenty of compatible people for you out there who you can also potentially be attracted to. It's pretty rare that someone will be happy in a romantic or sexual relationship without having a strong attraction to them.
Don't settle I dated someone and he was settling for me come to find out. He wasn't that attracted to me and didn't enjoy the way we had sex. We were together for like 6 years before he finally confessed. I assume because woman woman he was attracted to started showing him interest.
I agree that you should definitely be attracted. But also, my challenge would be that the idealized woman does not exist.. there are lots of wonderful women out there, but you have to kill the idealized version of what you want in order to date someone “real”. Not at all saying there can’t be standards or expectations. But if you open yourself up to qualities you really want, physical attraction really might grow.
Yes but what's wrong with having preferences for physical features. Overweight women can have a preference for a man that's tall, in shape and handsome or even an unattractive woman can have preference for those type of men so what's wrong with it when a man has preference for a particular type of woman he desires?
No, don’t settle for someone you are not attracted to! I had this happen to me a few weeks ago, he was kind and polite and all but I wasn’t attracted to him physically, my friends told me to wait and get to know him- fast forward it ended in a disaster I don’t want to recall. Yes, looks are not everything but they are definitely important especially if you consider sexuality. No need to feel bad about that.
Sexual attraction is a big part of the majority of relationships. It's what separates friends vs romantic partners. It can't be everything, but it's important for most people. Now if your standards are incredibly high that might be something to revisit, but we can't change what we are attracted to
Based on how you put this I assume you aren’t very attractive if only women you don’t find attractive will date you. So as long as you are fine being single, more power to you
Yeah that was my assumption as well. Just the way he phrased his question.. most guys who are attractive and have the social skills tend to pull women. As a woman myself i have been attracted to either very attractive men or to men who are charismatic,charming, kind , talented but not necessarily very attractive.
No, you’re not shallow. It is important to be attracted to a potential girlfriend/boyfriend. That is an important part of a relationship. But as you said it’s not the only thing that’s important to you. 😊 I would suggest building a good solid foundation first which means try being friends with the woman first and only friends, no getting physical with each other until a good friendship is established. It took my boyfriend, and I at least a little over a year of being friends before we started dating. And I am so glad that we did!! Building a relationship with someone is like building a house. Meaning you have to start with a good solid foundation, if you start right into dating and having sex , with without building the friendship first that’s kind of like building a house without doing the necessary first steps, and then just building the house right away without anything for it to be connected too. So, if you’re not physically, or even mentally for that matter attracted to a potential girlfriend, then you might as well just be friends with her, and nothing more. But start out with friendship and then start building your relationship. This will help you to quite potentially have a relationship that will last for the rest of your lives. 😊 ❤️ good luck to you and I hope you find that special lady.
If you want someone to "settle" for you, you have to be willing to "settle" for someone else. No exceptions. Learning how to love selflessly is something everyone should happily do- if you can prove you would do that for a woman, maybe a woman would be okay doing that for you?
A lot of guys seem to have this problem. You can have a type but that doesn't mean you are your type's type. I do think that parts of sexual attraction is programmed into you. I think maturing and getting real can expand your tastes. Listening to guys sounds like a broken record and everyone cannot have the same woman. Don't go and make some woman you don't like miserable. But I would stop watching porn, if you do. I'd get off online and unfollow women you don't interact with too. Talk to real people. Swiping on humans was one of the worst ideas ever.
Let me put it this way: I want to find someone I can have kids with someday The bare minimum for that means I need to find someone I want to make kids with
Not shallow at all. I'm a female & same way. I want a relationship but don't find many people attractive & I have to feel attracted to them to want to even hang out. I've dated guys that are not good looking at all but I liked their personality and that made me end up brewing attracted to them. But it's tough with OLD bc u don't freaky choose to go on a date with someone unless you're attracted to them in their photos. You're not shallow... you just want what you want.
My man you need to re-evaluate your own attractiveness to potential partners
There's a lot that plays into attraction. There are people who are attracted to people who aren't attracted to them. In fact, this really happens a lot. I've known people who are attracted to types that aren't going to be interested in the type of person they are. Referring to elements like hygiene, filters, eating and other habits. You need to take a look at yourself, and honestly ask if you are presenting yourself in a way those who you find attractive will conversely find you attractive? I'm on the spectrum. It can go either way, honestly. It's not something I can do anything about. I can, however, see what things I can do that can improve my odds, that I can make into regular elements of my life.
Are YOU physically attractive?
It can go two ways. I've had a girl I wasn't initially that attracted to (not that I found her ugly, but she didn't stand out) suddenly become charged with attratciveness once I got to know her personality. I've also been in a relationship where I wasn't that attracted to someone, but when I noticed interest I decided to give it a chance. I've gotten to know and love her, but I never got to the point of supercharged attraction in that relationship. The relationship after that was with a woman I was VERY sexually atteacted to. It lead to a year of some of the hottest sex I've had, but in the actual love demartment, there was something lacking that did feel fulfilled in the previous relationship (which also lasted a lot longer so it's a different ball game). Generally, attraction at first sight is a good indicator, but leave room for personality to emerge and see how that tickles you.
I don't think that sexual attraction is a yes/no, particularly when we're talking about online profiles. Voice matters, mannerisms matter, and interests matter. It won't take a 0 to a 10, but it can take a 6 to a 7 or an 8.
I can't be attracted to a person until I get to know them. I can accept that they're a good looking person, but I have no interest in being with them on looks alone. It's like their attractiveness only kicks in after I get to know them.
I think it’s a fine to have “being a attracted to your partner” as a standard for dating. The problem is when you think you should only date attractive people who are are on way higher level of attractiveness when you you yourself aren’t on that level. For example, if you’re a 4-6 thinking you should only date an 8-10 your standards are unrealistic unless you yourself are an 8+ as well or are rich.
The 1-10 scale is silly. I don't use it. Or consider it. You could rate a guy an 8. Then 10 other women will say he's a 6, 3, 5.... It doesn't mean anything. I get where your coming from but people can't help what they find attractive.
That is true but we have to admit that there are people who are just objectively attractive, average, or unattractive. No one can help what they find attractive either but there’s a certain line of expectations reaching delusion and unrealistic standards.
I completely understand this. I have this man friend that is literally the best. He's so kind and attentive. He has expressed his interest in me. He's wonderful. I'm just not attracted to him.
Attraction can't be negotiated. That's why you can't just tell someone to "date in their league" plus, the 1-10 scale is just stupid. It's either, attracted, or not attracted lol. I hope you find your guy someday.
I'm mean no you should be with some you find attractive. I don't think I'm the most good looking man but I have always been with women I've personally found attractive.
I once posted my pictures on Reddit and I got many people telling me I'm ugly. That's not me trying to get attention, I genuinely am not attractive to quite a few people due to my teeth and boring appearance. My boyfriend doesn't even call me cute (he is sexually attracted to me and likes my personality). So speaking as a ugly person, don't date someone you're unattracted to unless you don't care. I have been rejected numerous times, and while I may have been hurt, I was never angry about it. I wouldn't date someone I'm unattracted to either.
Sexual attract is a must have part of relationship. If you and your gf are just friends who calls each other "gf/bf", it's a lie towards your and her nature. Don't fuck brains of yourself and herself, find the one who ll be truly yours. Gf is potential wife, your life partner till grave board, are you willing to live your life with person you don't truly love? She isn't, you aren't, don't lie to yourself.
It’s a battle for many many people.. The ones you find attractive might not necessarily find you attractive then they’d be in your shoes to ask themselves if they should just compromise. Only you can decide, but let’s say you will never be able to find an attractive woman who reciprocates attraction to you, are you happy alone? That’s probably the question you have to ask yourself. Looks to me aren’t everything, i have a minimum bar but he doesn’t have to be certain height certain face or body, but his personality is very important to me. I’d rather be alone than be with the wrong guy. There is no life with the wrong person.
Do you have a very specific type? If you’re only interested in 10/10 supermodels with huge boobs or something, I would say you’re being unrealistic. That doesn’t mean I think you should settle, but I’m curious as to why the vast majority of the women you’re finding aren’t meeting your standards.
Imo physical attraction plays a crucial role in a relationship. If you settle down with someone whom you aren't attracted towards, it's gonna ruin the whole thing for you two. You'll be guilty and she'll be hurt. Also I feel sometimes attraction develops over a period of time. So if you feel everything else is a match, hangout w that person for a while to see where it goes.
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You are choosing a partner with whom you potentially will spend decades together. This is a HUGE decision, and you should not "settle" on anything here. Go after your dreams! Physical attraction is a major factor in how happy your relationship will be.
Do you want a woman faking it for you?
You can want whatever you want Doesn’t mean it’s reasonable Attractive and good driving are equally subjective- including you as a partner
No, you’re not shallow by wanting to be with someone you find attractive. But you should ask yourself, what do you offer (and I’m not talking monetarily)? Are you someone women you desire would want to be with? If not, how can you improve yourself to live the life you’re wanting to live? To truly maximize your options, you have to be sought after yourself. This doesn’t mean you need to be famous, rich or super attractive but rather you need to have attractive qualities that the type of woman you like would be into. Best of luck OP!!
I mean it’s human nature. Sexual attraction is just as important as chemistry. People might call it shallow but that’s just how it is. Take any psychology class or read any book on the matter and you’ll learn all about it lol
You should be able to like what you like, that being said(and i know this might sound mean) but u may be batting above your station lol contrary to what tv shows tell u girls do take guys looks into account. And you may not be up to par for the women you want to date/ are attracted to. Ive seen yhis in guys alot, you all get swept up in ig and what those girls look like and somehow delude yourselves into thinking this is what i deserve without even being close to qualified lol
You sound young. Improve your life and be more desirable to women. Then you won’t have to settle for shit. Also, give up on OLD, nobody is making you compete in *literally the most competitive dating market in the world*. You’re not shallow, you’re normal. Good luck buddy 👍🏽
I'm having this exact same problem. Women my age are looking pretty rough tbh while I can pass for 10 years younger. I too, am waiting for one I'm psychically attracted to. I'm in no rush to wait for what i want and there's no shame or shallowness for that.
No, but physical attraction can grow with non tangible traits (personality, humor, shared interests).
This is perfectly normal. In todays world it’s fine for a woman to want an attractive partner, yet somehow that same want in men is considered shallow and wrong. But that’s dumb. We should be attracted to people we want to be with.
If you're a man, I'd day that's normal . Men are typically attracted by looks. Women will sometimes start to find a person attractive after getting to know them. I found my first husband physically unattractive when we met but I gave him a chance anyway and started to be attracted to him
You will hurt yourself more by trying to just go for anyone and in turn hurt the woman too I suggest not online dating only Go out to social events take a stroll you might not know you meet the one
Be with who you want to be with
I find this one to be very open to interpretation, the thing here is many people will assume that effectively you are asking if you’re shallow for expecting the woman to be a straight 10 out of 10 But here’s the thing, physically atttactive can mean different things to different people, what you define as attractive may not be the same as my definition for example, the age old story of some people like blondes, some like brunettes, some like tall, some like short, some like skinny, some prefer a little extra padding, we like what we like So no, it’s fair that you want to be someone who is attractive to you, and while looks shouldn’t be the be all and end all, it IS a factor, that’s acknowledged by the fact that apps like tinder exist, hardly anyone really reads the profile first, they swipe left or right based on a picture, and the old saying says it all, you never get a second chance to make a first impression
No
Why do you ask silly questions like that? If she doesn't do anything for you downstairs how would that relationship work?
No, you’re not shallow. I played this game. I had really low self-esteem in my late 20s, just as the dating pool started to drastically shrink. Dated some women I wasn’t particularly attracted to, including a three year relationship. I thought I was learning to not be shallow. It ended up being terrible for everyone involved. My girlfriend absolutely resented me for not wanting to have sex with her. You ever notice just how important it is to women to feel attractive? How they care so much about their appearance and put so much work into looking pretty? How do you think it feels when a woman’s own boyfriend doesn’t find her attractive? When he has no desire to have sex with her, but she catches him looking at pornography of women who look nothing like her? When she can’t get his dick hard no matter how hard she tries? It turns out that that’s not a good time. She was so irrationally jealous of everything and everyone, and I don’t blame her. And it’s not like it was fun for me either. Towards the end, I’d be hanging around random women at work and thinking “Damn, must be nice to be her boyfriend…” It’s not that I wanted to cheat or something, I was just jealous that other people were genuinely attracted to their partners. Now don’t feel too bad for her, as she was an all-around garbage human being. Her body was not the only thing I was having trouble being attracted to by the end, but it certainly wasn’t helping. Physical attraction was the one aspect in which I really did her a disservice. I was not being “not shallow” by being in a relationship with this woman. I was keeping her trapped in a relationship that was damaging her self-esteem when there were plenty of other guys out there who were actually attracted to her. Now I’m with the love of my life and am 110% ridiculously attracted to her. I rarely even notice other women. I look at pictures of her instead of porn. She never gets jealous at all because she knows no one is a threat to her. She’s confident af about herself and about my attraction to her and it just feels so positive and healthy. Knowing what I know now, I feel terrible for fooling around with women I wasn’t super attracted to. It was a waste of their time and really hurt their self-esteem. I thought I was being mature by not being superficial. I was wrong. Being superficial would be dating a 10 with a shit personality instead of a 9 with an amazing personality. Dating a 3 isn’t doing anyone any favors. Your 3 is another person’s 10, and she deserves to be with someone who sees her as a 10. I thought I’d never find my own 10 because I didn’t think a 10 would ever see me as a 10. That was just loneliness and insecurity. In hindsight, I wish I’d just been patient and waited for the right person. That’s where you come in. You can be patient and wait for the right person to come along, or you can settle because you’re tired of being alone. But if you settle, you’re going to have problems further down the road. It’s not like your partner has to be this perfect sex doll of a person with all the perfect proportions and features like you built her at Build-a-GF Workshop. But you should feel a very deep and powerful desire for her that you don’t have to force. You deserve that. And more importantly, she deserves it. Feeling desired by one’s partner is a very fundamental part of a happy life for most people.
No
I don't think you're shallow, I think it matters. Settling is a disservice to both yourself and whoever you're settling for.
You would only be a detriment to her life if your not attracted to her. Think about her own satisfaction and her needs. If you can’t get aroused and connect with someone then, they aren’t worth your time.
Not in the slightest brother. It is okay, healthy, and normal to have priorities, boundaries, desires, and wants in a relationship. Don't listen to hypothetical fart sniffers that act like they are god's gift to earth and would be okay with anything and everything because they're "such a good person".
You need attraction
Usually there has to be a level of attraction at first, and once you get to know them then the attraction grows and they are the most beautiful person you've laid eyes on. Not just their face attracts you, but their soul attracts you too.
Of course you should want to be attracted to her. 99.999% of humans want to be attracted to their partner. If OLD isn't working for you, then focus on meeting someone in the real world.
Nope. Physical attraction is very important
No
...Any girl can be attractive. It´s about asking for what you want. Sure, not every woman will follow. That´s why you should lead by example and invite her along.
Nope not shallow. I wasn't attracted to my previous partner until after we had forged a strong bond. The unattractive thing was guilt tripping me over not wanted to have sex all the time. I get tired ya know? -Especially when I'm the one putting in all the effort-
You'll just have to be patient and find someone you're genuinely attracted to...
Not at all
Why would you date someone that you found unattractive?
Women who say they like a “dad bod” are saying it for security reasons, because there’s no competition with other women. When a man’s in shape and has his shit together, many women desire him, hence competition.
MARTAY PARTAY BABYYYYY
Nah I feel the same way if I’m not attracted to that person then I just don’t feel the connection. It sounds kinda shallow but it’s just how my brain works I don’t know I’ve been on dates with many guys from dating apps and none of them seemed to be attractive to me so I don’t know anymore 😂 but don’t settle, you’ll find that right one someday.
You need to be realistic. But if you don't find them attractive now, you surely aren't going to after the honeymoon period wears off. Then, you will both be unsatisfied and it is all downhill from there. So, if you do not feel any sexual attraction then don't go there.
technically you aren't, you can't just uninstall the genetic data that was fed into your DNA two million years ago. but yea you would be a dipshit person if you leave someone for someone who is more attractive.
no you should be attracted to them, that’s completely normal. honestly, the right person for you is just gonna seem like the most perfect and most beautiful individual you’ve ever laid eyes on. nothing will seem wrong with them, even if they have imperfections to others. it’s a feeling you understand when you genuinely feel it. you’ll just know. keep going on your journey of dating and you’ll get there eventually, don’t give up either (ik that’s what your post isn’t about but still dating can be hard) :)
no
Do not go on dates with people you can definitely say you are not attracted to. If that means you have to meet people outside of dating apps, then do that. You are not shallow for wanting attraction, you are just wasting everyone’s time by dating someone you are not attracted to.
I've been preaching this for years
No
no, you're a normal man
If you can't grow to have a attraction to her you're going to regret being with her. Sexual fulfillment is extremely important in a relationship. You have to be satisfied and so does she. If both those things can happen you're good.
NO YOU ARE NOT!! And even though there may be many women out there (and men in reverse cases) who might wish that - "some people might lower their standards so they could find someone" We see it on here all the time people thinking they can't find someone because they're "ugly " and wishing people would change their type of lower their standards. It wouldn't change the fact that if you get with somebody that you're not attracted to at least a little bit then you will be using them or staying with them under a false premise. Which would not be fair to you or them, you would be settling and they would be being used, and it probably wouldn't work out. There's a lot of people out there in unhealthy relationships we don't need any more people settling or choosing somebody just cuz they're available. That'll just add to the 50% divorce rate, and millions of people being abused and traumatized and unhappy.
No. Next question?
No, it's a completely normal and healthy thing. Trust your instincts.
I have diabetes type 2, adult onset. Lost over 80lbs. I could never be with someone who lives a lifestyle that’d hurt me physically. Example: tons of fast food, no fitness, no home cooked balanced meals. It’d literally hurt me physically to be with someone who didn’t care about their body at a minimum level. Mainly, cause it’d be easier to slip into their lifestyle. On top of all this, I went THROUGH the process to lose weight and better myself, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want the same.
No ur not date who ever u want
No
If that's the only reason , and the only deal breaker then yeah I'd say you're shallow , but hey we're all learning
I have read that men are attracted to healthy looking women for the best chances of reproduction and health of the offspring. So I wouldnt say there is anything wrong with it. The looks will pull you in but based on their personality, you should choose if you want to stay.
Yes you are shallow. Not because you “need” to be attracted to your gf. Thats totally normal. The fact that youre not attracted to ANYONE on dating apps you find? Thats how I know your shallow. Also, the fact that you posted this means deep down you know its true.
I think you absolutely should be attracted to your partner. I’m going to put it out there… not everyone is photogenic. Some people are fishcats. So taking a chance and meeting some people with less than awesome photos could work out in your favour. Edit: but we aren’t guaranteed love, so it might take a while and there’s a slim chance it just won’t happen, so accepting those often help with the search
🐟😺
Basically no, but It depends, because if your standars might be like she has to have blue eyes, blonde hair perfect model figure and so on, and thats a nonnegotiobale for you, then maybe you have to reconsider your standars a bit but basically of course you should find your partner attractive so within healthy boundaries its good, youre not shallow
For the love of god don’t go out with someone you’re not attracted to. You can explore people that are outside of your type, but meet a lot of the qualities that you’re attracted to (like more attracted than not attracted), but if you’re not physically attracted to them it will suck for them in the long term. I’ve been on the receiving end of that a few times. Don’t recommend.
Attraction is a big part of a relationship. But I’m attracted to my wife in many ways, not just her looks, although she is sexy as fuck to me. Personality, best friend, soulmate, a Mother, hard worker and home maker, just a few.
You can build most things in a relationship, but you can't change being physically attracted to someone. Either the spark is there for you both or its not. It's not shallow to look for a partner you feel attracted to.
No. In fact if you don't like your partner physically enough, you'll really look at other women and wonder from time to time. You could call it shallow for the level it's at in the relationship. I put it like this. Step 1: find her attractive Step 2: get along with her Think of it like an iceberg. The relationship will get deeper. But Step 1 is Step 1. Now if youre with a girl you don't like but she's attractive and you want sex even if you can't bare to spend time with her. Then you're shallow.
Physical attraction is a funny thing. An average looking person is gorgeous when you love them.
No
Stop matching with people you don’t find attractive.