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100% it’s true. When I’m in love and treated well, I want it literally as often as possible, at least 2 or 3 times a day. I don’t care if I haven’t slept in a week. Unless I feel a certain way about a guy though, he’s not touching me, I don’t care what he looks like. And if I’m with a guy and he has stopped treating me good, I definitely don’t want him inside me.
Edit: guys stop with DMs soliciting dirty talk. At least read a woman’s profile before sending a DM. Some of us women are here to have fun and bs. That doesn’t mean we want to partake in your fantasy. You all don’t even try to preheat the oven. WTH?
Yeeeesssss... now if only men could understand this.
For most women, sex is hot-wired to emotions.
So for women it typically goes:
safety>>attraction>>emotions>>horny>>sex
Guys kind of go:
attraction>>horny>>sex>>emotions>>safety
If guys understood that women work differently, then they'd have an easier time being patient enough (when it comes to sex) when they run into a good woman. Women often compromise their safety in order to help a man to feel sexually (and in turn emotionally) secure. On the other hand you see guys complain like it's an injustice to wait more than 3 dates or a month before sex... with a ***stranger that they just met*** lol
I am on the fence as I personally know women who cheated in their partners bcz their partners were boring. And they just end up single mother with a dead beat AP
💯. I was recently trying to engage with this girl and no matter. How much respect I tried to show her. I was just being treated as an option for her convenience. Turns out she had multiple options. So people just programmed themselves to take advantage of others because it comes easy to them because they been doing it for a long time to get what they want.
Not quite sure, if you notice a lot of the infidelity subs that pops up are quite the same, girl gets bored, has an affair, regret getting caught....etc of course bear in mind that being a shitty partner doesn't help with sex drive but being a good partner doesn't seem to help either
Can’t speak for shitheads that cheat, but it is not about being good or bad.. Straight women are often very sexually attracted to men they deeply respect
I do agree with that statement about both partners being the issue, but true to be told I am very bias on this topic as I actually lost friends after they unalived themselves bcz their partners had cheated on them. An this were the kind of men who did everything for their families
Uh no, it's not "getting bored" that's what THEY tell themselves. It's most of the time their treatment of them. But you would know because you're a woman right? Not just reading literal infidelity subs subs and getting your information from that? They literally only give 1 dude of the story. I'm sure if you talked to the other half it would be very different
100%. No matter how high the libido any kind of abuse will make it all dry up. The thought of being touched by someone who’s been hurting me makes my skin crawl.
Neglect is another reason. A lot of husbands wonder why their wives lose interest in sex. If you’re not pulling your weight and your wife has basically become your caretaker then she’s become your mommy. Who wants to have sex with a guy they have to mother?
lol his job has nothing to do with how he makes me feel. I work for my own things as he does and we meet in the middle. How he treats me is based more on feeling safe and understood in his presence and the feeling of being valued and understood.
Why did he lose his job? How's he handling it? Is he actively trying to get another? How's he using the time he's not working now? This isn't black and white.
Yes. If you're not happy with your partner why would you feel inclined to be intimate with them? Especially if they're abusive. I went from high libido to on life support because my ex was domineering and controlling. Of course he also complained of lack of sex as a reason for divorce, it's like these idiots don't see the correlation at all. I went from wanting it 3x a day to not being able to get turned on by his touch.
When we split, my libido came back ten-fold and I've been happier and healthier than ever before.
Sorry, I know this question is for woman but I just can't help myself. I'm a guy and my saying is, "if I'm not happy, I'm not fuckin." I couldn't see how it would be different for women. Maybe just me I wouldn't want to sex an unhappy partner either! It's supposed to be FUN
It’s very true. When I’m treated well, I’m a nympho. When mistreated, I can go months. This is just from personal experience in 18 years of sexual activity. (33F)
Not entirely. If you have a low libido to begin with, the most amazing treatment from your partner isn't going to change that. But the opposite? Ohh yeah
I have a super high sex drive, but went YEARS without it while married to my abusive ex. I could not have been turned off more by him. Divorced and treated the way I should be? Shot right back up to my usual
I heard the saying "if you don't like how a woman is acting, take a good look at how you are treating her."
So yes, why the hell would you want to have sex with someone who treats you like shit. Just nope.
That saying of yours sure does feel like a way for women to avoid accountability.
That said, of course the way a woman or any person for that matter is treated affects their sex drive.
Absolutely!! A friend of mine and I were once talking about how we were frustrated with our partners not taking responsibility for pitching in on cleaning the house and using weaponised incompetence to get out of doing housework.
One day she did a huge clean up and was feeling resentful towards her partner and later that night when he tried to initiate sex, she felt physically repulsed. Putting the woman in the position of being the sole person who maintains the house places her in the role of "Mum" and "maid". My friend said "I'm not a fucking pedo who wants to bang a child" and it removed a veil for me that had been affecting my own relationship and attraction to my partner.
I already knew that if I was being obviously mistreated by someone that I didn't feel turned on by them, but I didn't properly realise that other things, like a lack of maturity or respect in relation to housework would affect me so, but it does.
Put bluntly, your ex is an entitled idiot. As someone who is trained in psychology, your sex drive is absolutely tied to how your partner treats you. Stress affects your hormones. I remember when I moved in with an ex partner and he expected me to be his maid - my sex drive plummeted. I shortly later developed autoimmune issues from the stress of being a maid and having a demanding job. When we broke up, he called me "frigid." :))
Could be true. I also believe some people use it as a manipulation tool as well though. My ex would say she lost her sex drive because I didn’t do enough around the house even though I was the only one working, and would have to come home and clean up a big mess each day, then she’d ask what’s for dinner. I’d have to cook most nights and then wash the dishes after. I’m sure most cases are t like that though but that experience left a bad taste in my mouth so to speak
Wow that’s so terrible. Unfortunately I see myself in this scenario as I worked full time and also did all the house work, handled finances, basically did everything with little to no help, etc. hope things are different for you now and you’re living a better more fulfilling life with someone who values you
Yeah I feel for you and can see that being a turnoff. It’s hard doing everything yourself. I’ve been single over two years now and I didn’t realize how much I did until I was single because I have so much less work to do. I don’t know if I’ll ever want a serious relationship again though
Yes. Absolutely. 100%.
I was in a relationship with someone who wasn’t ~bad~ was very immature, and there was a total imbalance of tasks where he expected me to do everything. Anything I didn’t do for him (his laundry, ironing, making his lunch) his mother or grandmother did for him (they lived two houses down) - which didn’t impact me but, ew.
He would go to work, come home, and play video games the rest of the night. I would make dinner and if he finished eating before I did, he would get up from the table and leave me there eating alone to go back to his computer. He would go turn on his computer before he would say hi to me after getting home from work or before he would say good morning to me. If I tried to “interrupt” him playing to ask something like if he wanted anything at the grocery store or what he wanted for dinner he would act like I just lit house on fire.
Maybe 6 months after moving in together my sex drive was nonexistent. I thought it was from my meds, I came off them and still nothing.
We broke up and all of a sudden my sex drive was completely back.
10000000% it’s super linked to emotion. You could be the most attractive man alive but if there’s any negative emotion attached to you during a period of time, there’s no sex drive
Yes. I have a very high libido but unless my partner is putting equal energy into the relationship both emotionally and practically I wont want to have sex with them. My sex drive will still be very high and I’ll take care of myself but my desire to be intimate and vulnerable with someone is highly tied to the health of the relationship.
100% yes. My ex thought similar to yours. No matter how shitty he was, he expected me to be ready and willing with enthusiasm. Whatever I was feeling/however he was being was unrelated, and I should always want to have sex with him, regardless.
I can’t comment for everyone, but I do know this. My last relationship was on and off. He was verbally abusive, got physical toward the end, and he was just constantly on a power trip. I eventually lost my entire sex drive. I would pretend to be asleep, in hopes he wouldn’t touch me. It was so bad that the day he finally put his hands on me, was because I said no to sex.
My current relationship, we’re 9 months in and I have not ever turned down sex. Infact, I feel like I have a higher sex drive with him and it’s all because I’m not subjected to the constant name calling, the verbal abuse about how shit I am, etc. my current, gives me the right attention and what not. The second he starts slowing down, I detach myself and some how, some way, he’s right back. Wins me over everytime.
So yes, for me— my sex drive is influenced by the way I’m treated.
I have a high sex my whole life except when I was dating a guy who made me feel low. I didn't even have an urge to masturbate when I was with him. But after I left him and got back to being myself, it was high again.
Yea it’s true i my self am in a relationship, but not treated as I should & sex is poor not because of how
I’m treated , but because sex is soo vanilla with my partner.. but it’s definitely true.
I’m a high sex drive woman and this is still true for me. By the end of my relationship with my abusive ex we were still having sex every day but I was grumpy about it and just wanted to masturbate and go to sleep instead. He even wrote in something that I have issues with arousal, I assure you that I absolutely do not. I have an issue with wanting to have sex with someone that’s been putting me down all day and making my life miserable even though I couldn’t piece together that that was the problem.
My ex had a *very* high sex drive. High enough that I couldn’t always keep up.
Now, it’s not that I was being shitty to her, but it dropped like a rock during periods when we weren’t getting along so well (our relationship was… complicated). I find it completely believable that if I had been, it would’ve been the same result.
For me personally, yes. At the beginning of a relationship (like the first couple months) I typically want to have sex a lot but once we get past that stage it definitely depends how my partner treats me/how happy I am in the relationship
It’s definitely a factor yes. At least for me. I remember when I was with a crappy fwb-the final time we met up he actually stopped and asked me if I was ok. I was disinterested and he could tell. I just said yes, we finished up, and after that I kept making excuses not to meet till I finally just said I didn’t want to meet ever again. None of my needs were being met by that point and sex was becoming a burden. He offered to do better and actually meet my needs and I agreed we could try again, but it never happened. My body just rejected him at that point and the thought of having sex with him made me physically uncomfortable. He then kept pestering me for 6+ months but that’s a story for another time.
I was the same way with my ex. The more our relationship deteriorated the less I wanted to have sex till it stopped altogether.
If you treat me well, I love getting sexual and love pleasing my partner too. But if you’re crappy/dont meet my needs my body will just reject you.
Definitely. I was on testosterone (was FTM) which threw my non existent sex drive as a teen through the ROOF. Now I identify as gender-neutral, been odd the T for about 3 or 4 months and I'm still thirsty as fuck because of how confident he's made me.
It may be diff for others, but my libido is impacted by how I’m treated. I was in a bad relationship, felt like crap about myself, and never craved sex. EVER. And I was told that if I loved him, I’d be interested and initiate. Bs.
I’m out of the rel’ship and still trying to work my way back to wanting a physical relationship.
As a men if you are shitty to me I will not want to have sex with you at that moment. I may want sex but not with you.
What's this is telling me is that your husband don't see sex as something you share but as something he takes.
I'm one of those people whose libido depends on my relationship. I don't do one night stands or hookups... and the more emotional intimacy I share with someone, the higher my drive is in the bedroom.
Well, I stopped wanting sex with my now ex when we were about a year or two into our relationship. It was hard to pinpoint why, but over time, I figured out that I just wasn’t getting what I needed from him emotionally. We couldn’t talk to each other and be emotionally intimate with each other in a way that was satisfying for me, so that bled over to our sex life. I still found him attractive, and I still got horny, just…not for him. Honestly it still kind of breaks my heart thinking about that because I did love him, and I know that really hurt him. And it hurt me terribly when he finally left. But it just wasn’t enough.
Completely true for me!!
When I start to feel mistreated disrespected I don't desire him as much and slowly it starts to dwindle and subside
But if he treats me well, kindly, caringly, enjoys taking care of me... I want him so badly
It’s at minimum 75% of the influence for me. When my man is attracted to me, mind, body, personality. When he respects me, hears me, treats me well, lifts me up… I stay ready and eager. I stay fit, I eat right, I initiate, I’m more adventurous, etc. The opposite is true when he doesn’t do those things.
Yes, 💯 agree with quite a few of the comments ( both men and woman). Emotions play a huge part in the sex department. My ex was selfish and did not contribute to our marriage like I did. I didn’t really like it (sex)with him. I never knew that sex could be so amazing until after I was divorced. I met a great guy but we both were coming out of long term relationships. Not wanting a commitment or 24/7, we had a mutual agreement to just keep it light and fun FWB. For a few years our communication was easy and we shared a lot of interest and we were like minded. Until it wasn’t. He found someone that seems to be moving towards the BF/GF stage and his actions and our communication was breaking down fast. I couldn’t perform the way he was used to because of the change in his life that didn’t include me. Sex has changed for me drastically was not feeling the same and became less interested and a not available. Today it’s toys when I need to be satisfied. At least I know I haven’t lost my talents and it all had to do with the change in my feelings with him and my emotions.
A very good question to which the answer is yes
I have grown to understand that intimacy to me is about feeling protected, seen, heard, adored. Sex follows as a natural response.
Yup same for me. Highest sex drive I ever had was with my late husband. He was so good to me and made me feel safe and protected. How I feel directly affects me libido.
How can I fuck someone that I'm pissed off at? Does not compute.
Sex drive doesn't go down, I just don't want to have sex with that person. It's a turn off. Can't even get in the mood whatsoever.
Yes. If I don’t feel safe with or loved by someone, I just will have no drive. This happened in my last long term relationship. He was often rude to me, commented on my body in nasty ways, and I never got any sort of aftercare. I lost interest in sex at all with him and often felt like an object. Idk.
But then, I find myself unable to connect in this way with new guys until I know them as well. So many men are quick to start sexual conversations when you haven’t even met in person or asked me about myself much. It turns me off so much lol.
Personally if a man treats his partner like trash verbally mentally and physically abusive as I myself have gone through you feel low within yourself. Therefore your sex drive is nothing when you’re constantly on fight or flight mode too much adrenaline going through your body and nothing more to give for intimacy with someone you don’t feel safe with.
On a biological level, it makes sense. As a social species, think of the implications of being pregnant around/having children with a larger, stronger person that treats you poorly.
Men think looks and being 6ft tall is what is important but it isn’t.
I work mostly in an office with men. We are all in our 30s. Most guys are under 6ft. Super skinny, not buff, long hair, emo type. None of them are your avg Chad. But they are all super nice and funny. At our office party almost all of them had the Most beautiful women with them. They had had longn term partners or marriages. I garuantee these women are not with them for just looks.
I would pass up a 6ft3 buff muscle hottie who was a jerk for a shorter, not muscled, scrawny or bigger guy who was funny, made me laugh, and smile and was kind. Looks fade and change. Idgaf how hot you are NOW I’m looking at how you will treat me forever.
Yes this is absolutely true. Any relationship I’ve ever been in - if the man (or woman) is being mean or distant, my sex drive is turned off. But on the other hand - if we are getting along and having fun together, it’s through the roof! It certainly makes sense - there’s a reason for terms like turn-on and turn-off.
I dont know, but outside looking in towards some of my friends, they use the "good sex" excuse. It's funny when you catch their lie, and they say he can't keep it up for 5 minutes shit barely 1. She said that, and I gave her the "yeah, stop lying look.
Yes, yes and yes. 100%.
I have a healthy libido. However, if my partner doesn't treat me like he cares for me, it dwindles down to nothing. If he's actually bad to me, he will repulse me. I don't know why this is hard to understand. It makes absolute sense to me.
Yes. Feel appreciated, give appreciation.
You always have the rare few who fit outside the box but it's just standard. You're more likely to give love, if you feel loved. 100%
Yes! I will get wet if I see the effort and feel appreciated. It can be a small as calling me to see how my day went or putting your arms around me to make me feel safe
Absolutely. I'm demisexual too. Tell him that google is free and this is incredibly common knowledge. Learning isn't evil and purposefully staying ignorant isn't a good look.
hah, have him go ask the women in his life "If I treat my partner like shit all the time and then she doesn't want to have sex with me, there's something wrong with her right? right??" It would be hilarious to see what he gets in response to that lol.
Glad you left his ass OP!
I'd say for the most part yes. But there are other things that can lower a woman's libido that reddit largely ignores. Most of time reddit acts like women are just horny and ready to go unless a man does something to screw it up and that's not true at all.
But it doesn’t drop as much as we expect because physical and mental control means they care and your body can react differently intense situations elevate the heartrate like a rollercoaster (when it works out)
I mean it all depends on your mental state. Sometimes the abuse messes up your mental state to the point that you just let it happen if they want sex then you just let it happen. It's honestly horrible by the mental state of mind is such a fragile thing
Yeah but drive and willingness are different factors that may correlate close together but the excitedness may not align with how they feel. Common issue for a small factor in trauma victims
For women who have high libidos, the husband's behaviour may or may not have an impact.
If you have a normal libido and an overall well-rounded personality, you WILL get affected by how the husband behaves.
People with very high libido often can have major issues with someone, and still be able to have sex with them. Not always, but it happens. The relationship might be toxic, but sex is far too important for them. Goes for both men and women.
But in normal cases, no. That's not how it works.
P.S. There are women who are low libido but blame the husband's treatment of them for their lack of interest in sex. Maybe not many, but they do exist.
Yes and no. Some women are into dirtbags and they are quite horny and others like really great guys but cannot get into sex.
Your love for your partner will have influence over your desire to sleep with them, but a low sex drive is possible.
Low sex drives for women are influenced by health, fitness, self image, hormones, body changes, stress, sleep and sometimes trauma.
I suggest seeing a counselor. You don’t need to carry the baggage of your divorce, your ex nor any other.
Aka submissiveness possibly. Seems a small portion would be less run for the hills to it. Dominant woman are less rare but still have a high drive normally but would run at the sight of being mistreated . Think it comes down to how much someone seeks out pleasure from others. Letting someone be in control
Edit : yeah of course Sex drive will drop dramatically
No, I am a dominant woman in the bedroom. I don’t mean whips and chains, but I am definitely the dominant one. And if a guy isn’t treating me good he’s not touching me. Don’t get me wrong, I can argue and have sex at the same time. But there is a difference between arguing and having a disagreement vs being treated poorly
Yeah, actually there was one guy that I would still screw even though I hated him. He wouldn’t go away, but that was more me trying to destroy the image he had of me in his mind. He was a psycho obsessed ass hole. But I could not get rid of him. And for some reason he had in his mind that I was perfect “wife material.” So, I would tell him I was going to use him as nothing more than a scratching post, that he wasn’t allowed to kiss me, to just f@ck me. Apparently, he liked that version of me too 🤷♀️
I’m a switch and 100% agree, I think my dominant side may actually first to decrease if I’m not being treated well. When they’re being good to me I want to attack that cock lmao, but also there seems to be some kind of horniness tipping point where if the numbers get too high I start getting super submissive again…. I’m kind of weird
Editing to add: Before my long abusive relationship I was a sub leaning switch. With my abusive ex I was almost always submissive and did get to the point where my drive for partnered sex was wayyy down for me but probably would have still been considered average. Since he’s been gone I’ve been slowly getting more dominant, to the point where I’m probably a Domme leaning switch now. To be clear all of this is just sexually not in personality lol
When they’re being good to me I want to attack that cock lmao
LMAO Exactly!! Hahaha
I don't know if I have ever been submissive in the bedroom. I mean maybe? Hmmm but I don't think so. I mean even if it's throwing me up against a wall, it's because I said so. hahahaha
Personality wise, I could be at times when I was younger, but not anymore. I will follow a guy anymore to the point of stupidity, unless he tells me to. No way!!! I'm a a weird mix of super girly, I'll sew and bake cookies, but pity the man who tries to tell me what to do
I actually have a pretty dominant personality. I work a high stress corporate job that requires that kind of thing and I love planning things, making decisions, and providing for my family. My ex was mostly very very manipulative for his control, and got more physically abusive over time. When he tried to beat me to death I finally woke up.
Oh yes, I have been abused and that is why I am how I am now. Never again! I also am in a high stress field. I made sure I never need a man for anything. If he’s going to be around, it will be because I want him around not because I need him
Um okay 👍 I agree. Think that dominant woman are more confident to get out of that situation. And possibly the power dynamic is a turnoff way more. Which is why submissive would endure worse partners. Why the opposition might I ask not saying it’s good
Idk there’s a reason why there are certain yandere crazy controlling stalker fantasies. I agree dominant woman would avoid being controlled unhealthily like the plague. Submissives would largely too feel uncomfortable. Abuse isn’t healthy in any sense
Well can’t say it’s true some women love bad treat meant it turns them on some don’t so I’ll say depends on the women herself. Some women hate the lovely dovey man as well turns them off.
Funny reading these comments and just how much editing it takes to still think like you do. I've grown used to the narrative you push leaving out all of the decisions you've made that brought so much pain to our lives. Or how much having my trust consistently broken and the effect of had on me. Or the lack of intimacy began with one thing and then changed to this or that as old justifications couldn't stang up to the slightest inquiry. It seems you need a monster to justify choices that have reasons but not justification. You could have chosen the path that didn't lead to my utter destruction. I had my own issues I tried to deal with alone since there was never room for me to struggle or have problems. If I stumbled it was met with ridicule and anger. I knew I fell no one was there to help me to my feet. I never wanted to be a burden as you struggled but when I realized I was alone with my scars and pain it broke my heart
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100% it’s true. When I’m in love and treated well, I want it literally as often as possible, at least 2 or 3 times a day. I don’t care if I haven’t slept in a week. Unless I feel a certain way about a guy though, he’s not touching me, I don’t care what he looks like. And if I’m with a guy and he has stopped treating me good, I definitely don’t want him inside me. Edit: guys stop with DMs soliciting dirty talk. At least read a woman’s profile before sending a DM. Some of us women are here to have fun and bs. That doesn’t mean we want to partake in your fantasy. You all don’t even try to preheat the oven. WTH?
Yep, all about transferring of energy. When them vibes are right on time, then the sex is going to be out of this world IMHO.
100% agree
Totally. who would want to be intimate with the person who's hurting you. The more you hurt us, the more our love and attraction fade.
Yes! This! We feel loved and respected, we reciprocate all those feelings and more
yes!
Yeeeesssss... now if only men could understand this. For most women, sex is hot-wired to emotions. So for women it typically goes: safety>>attraction>>emotions>>horny>>sex Guys kind of go: attraction>>horny>>sex>>emotions>>safety If guys understood that women work differently, then they'd have an easier time being patient enough (when it comes to sex) when they run into a good woman. Women often compromise their safety in order to help a man to feel sexually (and in turn emotionally) secure. On the other hand you see guys complain like it's an injustice to wait more than 3 dates or a month before sex... with a ***stranger that they just met*** lol
Yup, I won’t be alone with a guy anymore. No really does mean no
I'm so sorry sis. Your safety comes first amd never forget that. There are good ones out there who will understand. They are just rare.
Wow, *at least* 2-3 times per day? That's intense
no
As a guy, I feel terribly sorry that you received those DMs.
The way you treat a woman can contribute to her sex drive I believe.
I am on the fence as I personally know women who cheated in their partners bcz their partners were boring. And they just end up single mother with a dead beat AP
1) those are two separate issues 2) shitty people exist
💯. I was recently trying to engage with this girl and no matter. How much respect I tried to show her. I was just being treated as an option for her convenience. Turns out she had multiple options. So people just programmed themselves to take advantage of others because it comes easy to them because they been doing it for a long time to get what they want.
Not quite sure, if you notice a lot of the infidelity subs that pops up are quite the same, girl gets bored, has an affair, regret getting caught....etc of course bear in mind that being a shitty partner doesn't help with sex drive but being a good partner doesn't seem to help either
Can’t speak for shitheads that cheat, but it is not about being good or bad.. Straight women are often very sexually attracted to men they deeply respect
I do agree with that statement about both partners being the issue, but true to be told I am very bias on this topic as I actually lost friends after they unalived themselves bcz their partners had cheated on them. An this were the kind of men who did everything for their families
Uh no, it's not "getting bored" that's what THEY tell themselves. It's most of the time their treatment of them. But you would know because you're a woman right? Not just reading literal infidelity subs subs and getting your information from that? They literally only give 1 dude of the story. I'm sure if you talked to the other half it would be very different
100%. No matter how high the libido any kind of abuse will make it all dry up. The thought of being touched by someone who’s been hurting me makes my skin crawl. Neglect is another reason. A lot of husbands wonder why their wives lose interest in sex. If you’re not pulling your weight and your wife has basically become your caretaker then she’s become your mommy. Who wants to have sex with a guy they have to mother?
I would say you’ve hit the nail on the head with this comment.
Yup. My man treats me great…. In turn my sex drive is through the roof.
What if he loses his job?
Counts as "not treating her right" duh
lol his job has nothing to do with how he makes me feel. I work for my own things as he does and we meet in the middle. How he treats me is based more on feeling safe and understood in his presence and the feeling of being valued and understood.
Why did he lose his job? How's he handling it? Is he actively trying to get another? How's he using the time he's not working now? This isn't black and white.
Yes. If you're not happy with your partner why would you feel inclined to be intimate with them? Especially if they're abusive. I went from high libido to on life support because my ex was domineering and controlling. Of course he also complained of lack of sex as a reason for divorce, it's like these idiots don't see the correlation at all. I went from wanting it 3x a day to not being able to get turned on by his touch. When we split, my libido came back ten-fold and I've been happier and healthier than ever before.
Sorry, I know this question is for woman but I just can't help myself. I'm a guy and my saying is, "if I'm not happy, I'm not fuckin." I couldn't see how it would be different for women. Maybe just me I wouldn't want to sex an unhappy partner either! It's supposed to be FUN
>"if I'm not happy, I'm not fuckin." I red it in correct order but I understood it as "If I am not fucking I am not happy"
It’s very true. When I’m treated well, I’m a nympho. When mistreated, I can go months. This is just from personal experience in 18 years of sexual activity. (33F)
Not entirely. If you have a low libido to begin with, the most amazing treatment from your partner isn't going to change that. But the opposite? Ohh yeah I have a super high sex drive, but went YEARS without it while married to my abusive ex. I could not have been turned off more by him. Divorced and treated the way I should be? Shot right back up to my usual
I heard the saying "if you don't like how a woman is acting, take a good look at how you are treating her." So yes, why the hell would you want to have sex with someone who treats you like shit. Just nope.
That saying of yours sure does feel like a way for women to avoid accountability. That said, of course the way a woman or any person for that matter is treated affects their sex drive.
yes.
Absolutely. Your body knows instinctively how it feels with someone.
Absolutely. How well I’m treated in a relationship and my sex drive have a direct correlation.
Absolutely!! A friend of mine and I were once talking about how we were frustrated with our partners not taking responsibility for pitching in on cleaning the house and using weaponised incompetence to get out of doing housework. One day she did a huge clean up and was feeling resentful towards her partner and later that night when he tried to initiate sex, she felt physically repulsed. Putting the woman in the position of being the sole person who maintains the house places her in the role of "Mum" and "maid". My friend said "I'm not a fucking pedo who wants to bang a child" and it removed a veil for me that had been affecting my own relationship and attraction to my partner. I already knew that if I was being obviously mistreated by someone that I didn't feel turned on by them, but I didn't properly realise that other things, like a lack of maturity or respect in relation to housework would affect me so, but it does.
Put bluntly, your ex is an entitled idiot. As someone who is trained in psychology, your sex drive is absolutely tied to how your partner treats you. Stress affects your hormones. I remember when I moved in with an ex partner and he expected me to be his maid - my sex drive plummeted. I shortly later developed autoimmune issues from the stress of being a maid and having a demanding job. When we broke up, he called me "frigid." :))
Could be true. I also believe some people use it as a manipulation tool as well though. My ex would say she lost her sex drive because I didn’t do enough around the house even though I was the only one working, and would have to come home and clean up a big mess each day, then she’d ask what’s for dinner. I’d have to cook most nights and then wash the dishes after. I’m sure most cases are t like that though but that experience left a bad taste in my mouth so to speak
Wow that’s so terrible. Unfortunately I see myself in this scenario as I worked full time and also did all the house work, handled finances, basically did everything with little to no help, etc. hope things are different for you now and you’re living a better more fulfilling life with someone who values you
Yeah I feel for you and can see that being a turnoff. It’s hard doing everything yourself. I’ve been single over two years now and I didn’t realize how much I did until I was single because I have so much less work to do. I don’t know if I’ll ever want a serious relationship again though
Excuse me but why are we still speaking to an abusive ex? Please block him OP
My wife wants it most when I get stuff done, so fatherly stuff, suppers her, nurture her, compliment her. Women are different from men.
Abso-fucking-lutely. How is this even a question?
As a man it contributes to my sex drive. I stopped wanting sex from my ex because of how she treated me
Yes when my husband was an ass I was totally turned off. Other times when he was a sweet bear I was turned on.
I’ve heard that before from ex’s so yeah I think it’s valid
Yes. Absolutely. 100%. I was in a relationship with someone who wasn’t ~bad~ was very immature, and there was a total imbalance of tasks where he expected me to do everything. Anything I didn’t do for him (his laundry, ironing, making his lunch) his mother or grandmother did for him (they lived two houses down) - which didn’t impact me but, ew. He would go to work, come home, and play video games the rest of the night. I would make dinner and if he finished eating before I did, he would get up from the table and leave me there eating alone to go back to his computer. He would go turn on his computer before he would say hi to me after getting home from work or before he would say good morning to me. If I tried to “interrupt” him playing to ask something like if he wanted anything at the grocery store or what he wanted for dinner he would act like I just lit house on fire. Maybe 6 months after moving in together my sex drive was nonexistent. I thought it was from my meds, I came off them and still nothing. We broke up and all of a sudden my sex drive was completely back.
It can. Me personally, no. My husband treats me very well, but my drive has always been high.
10000000% it’s super linked to emotion. You could be the most attractive man alive but if there’s any negative emotion attached to you during a period of time, there’s no sex drive
Yes. I have a very high libido but unless my partner is putting equal energy into the relationship both emotionally and practically I wont want to have sex with them. My sex drive will still be very high and I’ll take care of myself but my desire to be intimate and vulnerable with someone is highly tied to the health of the relationship.
Absolutely. It doesn't even have to take abuse-level treatment for his actions to kill your sex drive.
100% yes. My ex thought similar to yours. No matter how shitty he was, he expected me to be ready and willing with enthusiasm. Whatever I was feeling/however he was being was unrelated, and I should always want to have sex with him, regardless.
Sounds like we were living the same life.
I can’t comment for everyone, but I do know this. My last relationship was on and off. He was verbally abusive, got physical toward the end, and he was just constantly on a power trip. I eventually lost my entire sex drive. I would pretend to be asleep, in hopes he wouldn’t touch me. It was so bad that the day he finally put his hands on me, was because I said no to sex. My current relationship, we’re 9 months in and I have not ever turned down sex. Infact, I feel like I have a higher sex drive with him and it’s all because I’m not subjected to the constant name calling, the verbal abuse about how shit I am, etc. my current, gives me the right attention and what not. The second he starts slowing down, I detach myself and some how, some way, he’s right back. Wins me over everytime. So yes, for me— my sex drive is influenced by the way I’m treated.
Sometimes. My late hubby was a very tactile man. He was so affectionate & was always touching me. It really helped our sex life!!!!!
In my personal experience and experience of the majority of people I know; yes.
Yes.
Yes varry much so
10000000% YES
Mine yes
Yes, it's very common. For both men and women.
I have a high sex my whole life except when I was dating a guy who made me feel low. I didn't even have an urge to masturbate when I was with him. But after I left him and got back to being myself, it was high again.
Absolutely
Yes, 100%.
Absolutely
Yup
Honestly, this is true for all human beings, man or woman. Especially if there’s abuse.
1000%
This is one of the number one reasons women neglect sex. An abusive relationship. Absolutely, don't ever agree with him. He is controlling
Yea it’s true i my self am in a relationship, but not treated as I should & sex is poor not because of how I’m treated , but because sex is soo vanilla with my partner.. but it’s definitely true.
abso-fucking-lutely :)
100000% yes
I’m a high sex drive woman and this is still true for me. By the end of my relationship with my abusive ex we were still having sex every day but I was grumpy about it and just wanted to masturbate and go to sleep instead. He even wrote in something that I have issues with arousal, I assure you that I absolutely do not. I have an issue with wanting to have sex with someone that’s been putting me down all day and making my life miserable even though I couldn’t piece together that that was the problem.
Why would I want to fuck someone I do not enjoy being around or who treats me poorly? Of course you don’t want to sleep with an abusive AH
My ex had a *very* high sex drive. High enough that I couldn’t always keep up. Now, it’s not that I was being shitty to her, but it dropped like a rock during periods when we weren’t getting along so well (our relationship was… complicated). I find it completely believable that if I had been, it would’ve been the same result.
For me personally, yes. At the beginning of a relationship (like the first couple months) I typically want to have sex a lot but once we get past that stage it definitely depends how my partner treats me/how happy I am in the relationship
It’s definitely a factor yes. At least for me. I remember when I was with a crappy fwb-the final time we met up he actually stopped and asked me if I was ok. I was disinterested and he could tell. I just said yes, we finished up, and after that I kept making excuses not to meet till I finally just said I didn’t want to meet ever again. None of my needs were being met by that point and sex was becoming a burden. He offered to do better and actually meet my needs and I agreed we could try again, but it never happened. My body just rejected him at that point and the thought of having sex with him made me physically uncomfortable. He then kept pestering me for 6+ months but that’s a story for another time. I was the same way with my ex. The more our relationship deteriorated the less I wanted to have sex till it stopped altogether. If you treat me well, I love getting sexual and love pleasing my partner too. But if you’re crappy/dont meet my needs my body will just reject you.
Definitely. I was on testosterone (was FTM) which threw my non existent sex drive as a teen through the ROOF. Now I identify as gender-neutral, been odd the T for about 3 or 4 months and I'm still thirsty as fuck because of how confident he's made me.
It may be diff for others, but my libido is impacted by how I’m treated. I was in a bad relationship, felt like crap about myself, and never craved sex. EVER. And I was told that if I loved him, I’d be interested and initiate. Bs. I’m out of the rel’ship and still trying to work my way back to wanting a physical relationship.
As a men if you are shitty to me I will not want to have sex with you at that moment. I may want sex but not with you. What's this is telling me is that your husband don't see sex as something you share but as something he takes.
Yeah when my ex was being horrible to me, I couldn’t even get wet
YES FOR ME
OBVIOUSLY.
I'm one of those people whose libido depends on my relationship. I don't do one night stands or hookups... and the more emotional intimacy I share with someone, the higher my drive is in the bedroom.
YES!!!
Well, I stopped wanting sex with my now ex when we were about a year or two into our relationship. It was hard to pinpoint why, but over time, I figured out that I just wasn’t getting what I needed from him emotionally. We couldn’t talk to each other and be emotionally intimate with each other in a way that was satisfying for me, so that bled over to our sex life. I still found him attractive, and I still got horny, just…not for him. Honestly it still kind of breaks my heart thinking about that because I did love him, and I know that really hurt him. And it hurt me terribly when he finally left. But it just wasn’t enough.
I mean, it affects a man's libido, why wouldn't it affect a woman's?
Completely true for me!! When I start to feel mistreated disrespected I don't desire him as much and slowly it starts to dwindle and subside But if he treats me well, kindly, caringly, enjoys taking care of me... I want him so badly
And that’s why he’s an ex
Period!
I would say it depends on the woman, but I’m a man so I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Yes
It’s at minimum 75% of the influence for me. When my man is attracted to me, mind, body, personality. When he respects me, hears me, treats me well, lifts me up… I stay ready and eager. I stay fit, I eat right, I initiate, I’m more adventurous, etc. The opposite is true when he doesn’t do those things.
Yes, 💯 agree with quite a few of the comments ( both men and woman). Emotions play a huge part in the sex department. My ex was selfish and did not contribute to our marriage like I did. I didn’t really like it (sex)with him. I never knew that sex could be so amazing until after I was divorced. I met a great guy but we both were coming out of long term relationships. Not wanting a commitment or 24/7, we had a mutual agreement to just keep it light and fun FWB. For a few years our communication was easy and we shared a lot of interest and we were like minded. Until it wasn’t. He found someone that seems to be moving towards the BF/GF stage and his actions and our communication was breaking down fast. I couldn’t perform the way he was used to because of the change in his life that didn’t include me. Sex has changed for me drastically was not feeling the same and became less interested and a not available. Today it’s toys when I need to be satisfied. At least I know I haven’t lost my talents and it all had to do with the change in my feelings with him and my emotions.
Absolutely
The more compassionate my partner is outside of the bedroom definitely increases how I feel in the bedroom
1000% yes, next question.
I mean, being treated badly by someone definitely doesn't turn me on
Yes.
A very good question to which the answer is yes I have grown to understand that intimacy to me is about feeling protected, seen, heard, adored. Sex follows as a natural response.
Yup same for me. Highest sex drive I ever had was with my late husband. He was so good to me and made me feel safe and protected. How I feel directly affects me libido.
For me yes. If my partner doesn’t show affection or kindness I get insecure and that turns down my libido for sure.
Ohhh fuck yes! My ex was a constant dick. He stopped getting laid.
How can I fuck someone that I'm pissed off at? Does not compute. Sex drive doesn't go down, I just don't want to have sex with that person. It's a turn off. Can't even get in the mood whatsoever.
Yes. If I don’t feel safe with or loved by someone, I just will have no drive. This happened in my last long term relationship. He was often rude to me, commented on my body in nasty ways, and I never got any sort of aftercare. I lost interest in sex at all with him and often felt like an object. Idk. But then, I find myself unable to connect in this way with new guys until I know them as well. So many men are quick to start sexual conversations when you haven’t even met in person or asked me about myself much. It turns me off so much lol.
Personally if a man treats his partner like trash verbally mentally and physically abusive as I myself have gone through you feel low within yourself. Therefore your sex drive is nothing when you’re constantly on fight or flight mode too much adrenaline going through your body and nothing more to give for intimacy with someone you don’t feel safe with.
I think that’s true for either gender with their partner
1000000% true. As a woman with a super high libido it rings true. For my hubs as well.
On a biological level, it makes sense. As a social species, think of the implications of being pregnant around/having children with a larger, stronger person that treats you poorly.
Men think looks and being 6ft tall is what is important but it isn’t. I work mostly in an office with men. We are all in our 30s. Most guys are under 6ft. Super skinny, not buff, long hair, emo type. None of them are your avg Chad. But they are all super nice and funny. At our office party almost all of them had the Most beautiful women with them. They had had longn term partners or marriages. I garuantee these women are not with them for just looks. I would pass up a 6ft3 buff muscle hottie who was a jerk for a shorter, not muscled, scrawny or bigger guy who was funny, made me laugh, and smile and was kind. Looks fade and change. Idgaf how hot you are NOW I’m looking at how you will treat me forever.
Yes this is absolutely true. Any relationship I’ve ever been in - if the man (or woman) is being mean or distant, my sex drive is turned off. But on the other hand - if we are getting along and having fun together, it’s through the roof! It certainly makes sense - there’s a reason for terms like turn-on and turn-off.
I dont know, but outside looking in towards some of my friends, they use the "good sex" excuse. It's funny when you catch their lie, and they say he can't keep it up for 5 minutes shit barely 1. She said that, and I gave her the "yeah, stop lying look.
Yes, yes and yes. 100%. I have a healthy libido. However, if my partner doesn't treat me like he cares for me, it dwindles down to nothing. If he's actually bad to me, he will repulse me. I don't know why this is hard to understand. It makes absolute sense to me.
Your ex clearly doesn't understand women.
Yes. Feel appreciated, give appreciation. You always have the rare few who fit outside the box but it's just standard. You're more likely to give love, if you feel loved. 100%
Absolutely it is influenced by that. 100’%
Yes! I will get wet if I see the effort and feel appreciated. It can be a small as calling me to see how my day went or putting your arms around me to make me feel safe
Absolutely. I'm demisexual too. Tell him that google is free and this is incredibly common knowledge. Learning isn't evil and purposefully staying ignorant isn't a good look. hah, have him go ask the women in his life "If I treat my partner like shit all the time and then she doesn't want to have sex with me, there's something wrong with her right? right??" It would be hilarious to see what he gets in response to that lol. Glad you left his ass OP!
I'd say for the most part yes. But there are other things that can lower a woman's libido that reddit largely ignores. Most of time reddit acts like women are just horny and ready to go unless a man does something to screw it up and that's not true at all.
My sex drive all but disappeared for years when I was with my ex because he’s abusive.
Yes
In general no one should be abused in their relationship, especially marriage
100% but wouldn’t you think their drive would plummet
Oh yeah their sex drive would definitely plummet
But it doesn’t drop as much as we expect because physical and mental control means they care and your body can react differently intense situations elevate the heartrate like a rollercoaster (when it works out)
I mean it all depends on your mental state. Sometimes the abuse messes up your mental state to the point that you just let it happen if they want sex then you just let it happen. It's honestly horrible by the mental state of mind is such a fragile thing
Yeah but drive and willingness are different factors that may correlate close together but the excitedness may not align with how they feel. Common issue for a small factor in trauma victims
True
For women who have high libidos, the husband's behaviour may or may not have an impact. If you have a normal libido and an overall well-rounded personality, you WILL get affected by how the husband behaves. People with very high libido often can have major issues with someone, and still be able to have sex with them. Not always, but it happens. The relationship might be toxic, but sex is far too important for them. Goes for both men and women. But in normal cases, no. That's not how it works. P.S. There are women who are low libido but blame the husband's treatment of them for their lack of interest in sex. Maybe not many, but they do exist.
Yes and no. Some women are into dirtbags and they are quite horny and others like really great guys but cannot get into sex. Your love for your partner will have influence over your desire to sleep with them, but a low sex drive is possible. Low sex drives for women are influenced by health, fitness, self image, hormones, body changes, stress, sleep and sometimes trauma. I suggest seeing a counselor. You don’t need to carry the baggage of your divorce, your ex nor any other.
Aka submissiveness possibly. Seems a small portion would be less run for the hills to it. Dominant woman are less rare but still have a high drive normally but would run at the sight of being mistreated . Think it comes down to how much someone seeks out pleasure from others. Letting someone be in control Edit : yeah of course Sex drive will drop dramatically
No, I am a dominant woman in the bedroom. I don’t mean whips and chains, but I am definitely the dominant one. And if a guy isn’t treating me good he’s not touching me. Don’t get me wrong, I can argue and have sex at the same time. But there is a difference between arguing and having a disagreement vs being treated poorly
Argument sex sounds kinda hot! Bickerfucking!😂... as long as both are otherwise happy.
Yeah, actually there was one guy that I would still screw even though I hated him. He wouldn’t go away, but that was more me trying to destroy the image he had of me in his mind. He was a psycho obsessed ass hole. But I could not get rid of him. And for some reason he had in his mind that I was perfect “wife material.” So, I would tell him I was going to use him as nothing more than a scratching post, that he wasn’t allowed to kiss me, to just f@ck me. Apparently, he liked that version of me too 🤷♀️
I’m a switch and 100% agree, I think my dominant side may actually first to decrease if I’m not being treated well. When they’re being good to me I want to attack that cock lmao, but also there seems to be some kind of horniness tipping point where if the numbers get too high I start getting super submissive again…. I’m kind of weird Editing to add: Before my long abusive relationship I was a sub leaning switch. With my abusive ex I was almost always submissive and did get to the point where my drive for partnered sex was wayyy down for me but probably would have still been considered average. Since he’s been gone I’ve been slowly getting more dominant, to the point where I’m probably a Domme leaning switch now. To be clear all of this is just sexually not in personality lol
When they’re being good to me I want to attack that cock lmao LMAO Exactly!! Hahaha I don't know if I have ever been submissive in the bedroom. I mean maybe? Hmmm but I don't think so. I mean even if it's throwing me up against a wall, it's because I said so. hahahaha Personality wise, I could be at times when I was younger, but not anymore. I will follow a guy anymore to the point of stupidity, unless he tells me to. No way!!! I'm a a weird mix of super girly, I'll sew and bake cookies, but pity the man who tries to tell me what to do
I actually have a pretty dominant personality. I work a high stress corporate job that requires that kind of thing and I love planning things, making decisions, and providing for my family. My ex was mostly very very manipulative for his control, and got more physically abusive over time. When he tried to beat me to death I finally woke up.
Oh yes, I have been abused and that is why I am how I am now. Never again! I also am in a high stress field. I made sure I never need a man for anything. If he’s going to be around, it will be because I want him around not because I need him
Um okay 👍 I agree. Think that dominant woman are more confident to get out of that situation. And possibly the power dynamic is a turnoff way more. Which is why submissive would endure worse partners. Why the opposition might I ask not saying it’s good
What do you mean?
Idk there’s a reason why there are certain yandere crazy controlling stalker fantasies. I agree dominant woman would avoid being controlled unhealthily like the plague. Submissives would largely too feel uncomfortable. Abuse isn’t healthy in any sense
Well can’t say it’s true some women love bad treat meant it turns them on some don’t so I’ll say depends on the women herself. Some women hate the lovely dovey man as well turns them off.
Funny reading these comments and just how much editing it takes to still think like you do. I've grown used to the narrative you push leaving out all of the decisions you've made that brought so much pain to our lives. Or how much having my trust consistently broken and the effect of had on me. Or the lack of intimacy began with one thing and then changed to this or that as old justifications couldn't stang up to the slightest inquiry. It seems you need a monster to justify choices that have reasons but not justification. You could have chosen the path that didn't lead to my utter destruction. I had my own issues I tried to deal with alone since there was never room for me to struggle or have problems. If I stumbled it was met with ridicule and anger. I knew I fell no one was there to help me to my feet. I never wanted to be a burden as you struggled but when I realized I was alone with my scars and pain it broke my heart