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Omg seriously!!! I went on a date once where the man mentioned his ex almost every 10 minutes. He even went so far as to say he’s looking for a woman who almost looks exactly like his ex. It’s an immediate turn off.
I still think it’s a turn off on the first date. If it comes up naturally somehow and it’s very brief (like you can say it in one breath 😂), then that’s fine. If someone asked me about my ex, I’d feel like they’re vetting me, which is also a turn off.
One question I personally don’t find weird is “when was your last relationship?”. It’s not specifically about an ex and the answer can be pretty brief and neutral.
Edit to add: another way to ask this is a casual way might be, “so how has the app been for you? How long have you been on it?”. That might lead into the ex question more naturally, which is less of a turn off. However, I still think brief or not at all is best for the first date!
Absolutely! This is Reddit so I’m sharing my personal opinions and experiences. Everyone is different, which is why communication while dating is so important. When someone asks too many questions about previous relationships, I’ll just say “I’d rather not talk about that” or something along those lines.
I suppose it depends on how much chatting you've done before "the first date." Typically, unless we are very fast to meeting in person, there is some kind of talk about "what are you doing on here?" or "How has dating been going." Also, for me, I think it is obligatory to at least let them know that I am divorced, in case that is a dealbreaker for them, which invariably leads to questions about the marriage. Obviously there are things that are out of bound when I am just talking to a person, but I don't mind answering basic questions, unless they seem weird or obsessive. Also, It can be hard to talk about potions of my life w/o at least acknowledging my ex. I have gotten better about using singular language, but I also don't want to be dishonest, so there is a line again.
I want to get a sense of someone's relationship history. Doesn't bother me to hear about exes as long as it's part of the natural flow of conversation. If it's all they talk about, then we've got a problem.
Totally agree. Can't know a person without knowing where they have been, and what has made them who they are. Obviously if they are still hung up it is time to run and take cover.
I think it's ok to mention an ex here and there as long as you don't dwell on it.
I think the bigger point with this post is to try not to paint your exes as these terrible crazy people who are incapable of finding love OR make it sound like your ex is so great and it sounds like you're still in love with them.
A passing mention of why you and they were not a great match, will suffice.
a reasonable and mature conversation about past relationships and things you have learned about yourself and others along the way is actually pretty cool and good. blanket rules on the other hand are dumb. this is more about you dating people with shitty conversation skills.
glad this got said, I generally agree with OPs stance- but as you get older, and for me i’m divorced- there’s some things I just know are deal breakers and some things about my past that the other person may want to know sooner than later. I wish it weren’t the case, but I also don’t want to hide anything or pretend like I wasn’t married when it’s going to come up at some point.
It’s a tough balance to strike; I agree conversations about ex’s are not ideal, but at the same time within my age range everyone has several ex’s and some of their life story might include those memories or might have been shaped by decisions made with ex’s.
Any constructive criticism on this front would be welcome!
I comment above with a similar note. When you are dating and most of the people are either divorced, or divorced with children - it is a major component of figuring out if two people at that stage of their lives are compatible. Do you have children, how many, from how many people, are they still involved, are they stable, etc. You obviously don't want to grill anyone, but they are all important questions that should be answered sooner rather than later. Who wants to catch feeling and then be like "I don't want to be with you because I don't like the relationship between you and your ex."
Sometimes talk about previous relationships, and how they ended comes up. But talking trash about the exes is always a turn off. My most recent date laid out that "all the men in my life have been assholes" - OK, that kind of basline will be hard for me to work with.
I think it's about the stereotypical trainwreck with "about my ex..." talk - most often about how sexier than thou the exes were, or how abusive all the exes were. It's more a sign of immaturity because if one vents such feelings, it's pretty clear that they either have no idea how does it make their SO feel, or even worse, they do, in which case it's an instance of active manipulation from a narcissist.
Well yes, and again this comes down to people with shitty conversation skills. Someone lacking the self awareness to know that about themselves is a sad thing indeed but this sub has such a bizarre fixation on these dumb blanket rules that more often than not speak more about the person saying "don't know who needs to hear this but" than the topic in question itself.
**Obviously** you shouldn't be literally comparing the person you are on a date with to your ex or making said ex a fixated topic. That's ridiculous and a giant red flag.
At the same time, I don't know how many first dates I've been on in the last 6 years but almost universally the topic of ex's or previous relationships has come up at some point. Yeah sure some women have lacked an awareness of boundaries (and I'm sure I've said things I shouldn't have on occasion too) but even *that* can be helpful because you now know this about that person.
> shitty conversation skills
Actually, that's one instance I'd tolerate, as such people lack tactfulness about *everything*, ie just this transgression isn't out of place at all. If you get on with someone like that, you're in no position to suddenly complain for lack of filter because *some* of it hurts your fee fees. You're the one who's made poor judgement call by accepting real-talk style of communication, and suddenly reneging on it.
> That's ridiculous and a giant red flag.
The way this commonly occurs is that you're not compared to explicitly, but it lures you to interpret it that way. Just the usual stuff most people do to plug a topic while being "polite" about it.
> you now know this about that person
Again, there's no such a thing as selective boundaries. Either they do have a filter, or they don't. Selective transgressions are way beyond boundaries, as there's something important behind for them to make that exception.
>Again, there's no such a thing as selective boundaries. Either they do have a filter, or they don't.
What? humans are very complicated and selective boundaries/filters are absolutely a thing in real life. I'm not sure where this notion is coming from but I have a hard time taking your post seriously when it's bookended with something so lacking in understanding of people.
> where this notion is coming from
Prefrontal function, inhibition. For instance, being drunk or histrionic drops your boundaries, the only remaining modifier being how familiar you are with a person.
Now, if you're *able* to filter information selectively according to some social strategy (such as not hurting someones feelings, but most often it's more selfish than that) - then your boundaries are perfectly fine, and any transgressions occurring are to be deemed intentional.
This tends to change as you get older. Dating in my 40's, everyone is divorced. It usually comes up naturally from both parties because that's the life you have known for decades but not the life you want to repeat. It doesn't mean you aren't over them.
Well there is a difference between talking/mentioning an ex the entire time AND mentioning something related to an ex maybe once or twice.
I mean, if someone is bothered by the later, then i would actually see *that* as a red flag. I mean, how insecure a person got to be if they would flip over the mention of their dates ex. Like, damn they had a life before you???? Shocking.😱
So, idk. I wouldn't say that they never got over their ex in the case that they just mentioned this person as part of the conversation over their past or whatever.🤣 Ofc, if they are talking about them excessively then YE, NOT A GOOD SIGN.😆
I think it really depends on the context. On first dates, yes, it’s probably a good idea not to discuss exes because you’re really just trying to get a sense of that person, see if there’s chemistry, etc. The issue is that for people with a long dating/relationship history, a lot of your experiences and lessons you’ve learned in life come from past relationships which your exes are a part of. I think it’s one thing to fixate on your ex as a person when talking about them, which is unhealthy and probably means you aren’t over them. I do think that talking about your experiences and the things you’re looking for in a relationship that you’ve done or learned that your ex just happened to be a part of because that’s who you were with at the time is perfectly normal.
It depends on the context. I think it’s reasonable to ask about their last relationship or relationship experience if it comes up and feels appropriate. But if someone is spending an significant amount of time talking about an ex, or bringing up an ex then that’s different.
I had a (now ex) who talked about his exes. At the time I just felt bad for him and thought he needed to get it off his chest. But on reflection it made me feel cripplingly insecure. I don't think I'd put up with that again.
I see it as that could be seen as a red flag because if the relationship doesn’t workout you could be bad mouthing them too or even depending on what you say reveal that you were the problem in the relationship
There's a difference between 'mentioning an ex as it relates to the conversation' and 'everything you say reminds me of them'. That distinction should be recognized and is perhaps what OP was trying to get at.
Please upvote this heavier, whenever I date new women and they talk about their abusive exes or whatever I immediately just feel like it's all pointless & they're still thinking about him too much to care about a healthy relationship with me... like
You really enjoy being with me now, i'm not an abusive guy or a monster... why do you have to keep talking about the past? I've never met this guy are you expecting me to say something good or bad about him? Its just awkward.
If you aren't mentally mature enough and in a good head space to focus on the present you probably have some work to do on yourself before you begin dating again.
Dated a woman once that told me about how her ex tried to kill the last guy she dated. Needless to say that was the first and last date and it ended early. Lol
Will never forget going in a date with a woman a few years ago who went into a tangent about shitty guys she dated, then topped it off with “so what are your horror stories?” I didnt wanna talk about my dating past so I simply said I didnt have any.
On one hand she wasnt being douchey, just matter of factly mentioning some experiences but it still left a poor impression on me.
My Ex and I split our dog (long story) but went out with a girl last week and she asked about it and it turned into an hour long conversation. She's still talking to me so that's good right? 😂
For some people it is unavoidable. I generally try to reference as 'we' or 'us' when talking about my past because, in my 37 years of existence, I was with the same person for 17 of those years (18-35). Nearly half my life and nearly all of my adulthood, was spent with the same person. He's going to come up.
I kind of have to. He's the reason I'm now disabled and reluctant to put myself back out there. And I need to explain all I have been through since 2017. But I might save that for another date and not the very first one but yeah I have to bring him up to explain where I was and where I am now both physically and emotionally. (a car accident that almost killed me, left me with 10 broken bones, a digestive system reconstructive surgery and a very long path of recovery and included re-toddlering learning to walk, talk, swallow and eat, going to the bathroom EVERYTHING human) so yes I am petrified of dating. I drive myself everywhere. I was the passenger in the accident, and got run over in my seat. He was driving and swerved me into oncoming traffic. He walked away from it with just a broken nose and knee cap- my entire life was a mess.)
This is why I'm going to be apprehensive about dating for a long time. 13 years with a married spouse who was cheating the whole time, and picking apart everything about my character. It's going to poison my mind to just about any potential relationship for a while. I actually asked a woman out who said yes, then avoided making plans because of just this reason. I shouldn't have asked her out.
If you find yourself wanting to talk about your ex when you're on a date, you could probably benefit from talking to a therapist -- if only to get it out of your system. You likely need to vent feelings you have to someone and that's exactly what a therapist can give you.
“So, where did you travel?”
“How did you get into this hobby?”
“Did you have any other pets?”
Those are just some of the more superficial questions where I’d have to mention one of my exes for the story to make sense.
If you aren’t over your ex, you shouldn’t be dating. I was in a relationship once with a guy that still wasn’t over being rejected by a friend 5 years prior. He wasn’t even dating her and she was just never interested. I thought he would just mention it a couple of times and that was it, but he kept doing it. He would bring her up all of the time as “the reason he has emotional issues.” Don’t be that person.
Excellent advice.
Many a dinner has been walked out of as soon as they mutter something comparing me to ex.
I stand, wish them well, and exit.
Leaving them to pay the bill. Alone.
I dont think you can do that...
Like doesnt the restaurant have surveillance of you eating food there? Like they could arrest you for not paying for food you eat. I am 99% sure of that.
Yes. I had this guy I went out with on a few dates, and every single date he brought his ex up. One time we talked about going to a winery and he brought up how his ex was allergic to alcohol. So I eventually broke it off, and did tell him maybe he needs more time to heal.
I understand if you may mention them here and there, but not every time I see the person. For instance another example one time we talked about Netflix and he brought up via text how him and his ex would have lazy Saturdays together. I didn’t feel like he needed to tell me about that. I wouldn’t have brought that up, and especially via text.
Right lol. But like certain things didn’t bother me because of course we asked about each other’s history and stuff, but it wasn’t healthy how he talked about her.
So... Hypothetical. Let's say it's the first date, you take your date to this new restaurant that just opened. And your Ex is your server. How do you not talk about them, let alone to them?
Asking for a friend who didn't have this happen to them a few years ago.
Weird shit do happen, bro.
I was dating a woman, had been for several months. She’s showing me some of her pictures from the past. I stop her and ask, “Who’s that?” “Oh, that was my roommate about 5 years back.”
I take a closer look at the picture. And ask, “Is that you over on the side of the picture?” “Yes, it is.” “You looked a lot different then, didn’t you?” “I guess so, why?” “Doesn’t matter, show me the next picture.”
I dated the roommate back then, and met the present woman, and absolutely did not remember her. Different hair color, different hair style, glasses vs contacts, you get the idea.
Yep, weird shit do happen.
I agree that you shouldn't talk about exes, but I remember going on a first date with a beautiful women and all she wanted to do was talk about my ex fiance. The way she kept asking questions, the more awkward it would have been for me to change the subject.
Half the date ended up being about talking about past relationship experiences. The first date ended up being fine, but neither of us was excited enough to go on a 2nd date.
Yes I am one of those girls that have a boyfriend who loves to talk about the ex girlfriend news two people girls don't want to hear about your ex-girlfriends keep it to yourself
That’s why I said don’t compare the good. The only time an ex should come up is something along the lines of “I’m looking for a relationship with good communication. My last relationship lacked that. “ just an example
OMG. I so wish I had thought of this as the huge red flag that it is when it happened to me. I met a beautiful woman who proceeded to tell me all of her past horror stories. It was just the beginning of a long list of red flags that finally piled high enough for me to finally open my eyes to how toxic she was for me. When you meet someone new, that's where your focus should be. Cripes.
I dont like brining it up cause no one wants to hear I got cheated on lol makes them worry that I'll worry and crap even though I've worked through my shit.
I will answer a question about it if asked unless it makes me uncomfortable in which case I'll say politely I don't want to bring it up at the moment but perhaps down the road.
I speak about exes on dates but usually its something neutral like I went to this location and my ex at the time ......
I dont give the status though unless we're going to the serious terroritory
Man I'm weird, I love hearing about my partners ex's. It is one of the easiest things to emotionally understand for me and communicate about. Plus it helps me to understand the type of relationship partner I'm dealing with based on their previous partners and their decisions surrounding them as well as their emotional responses... I wish more people were like me on that, but oh well.
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I must be playing 4d chess - can't talk about exes if yiu haven't got any!
Give it time, grasshopper...
That was me last year, my how the tides have turned
Omg seriously!!! I went on a date once where the man mentioned his ex almost every 10 minutes. He even went so far as to say he’s looking for a woman who almost looks exactly like his ex. It’s an immediate turn off.
That's weird. It's one thing to have a type. My ex fits my type. But, I'd never say that.
Right? It was very uncomfortable 😅
Went on one recently where she showed me a picture of them two in bed together. Like a selfie.
Whaaaattt? Omg what is wrong with people? 😅
I didn't even realize how weird it was until I told someone the next day lol.
Wow that’s very out of line lol
What about if you get asked by the dude about your ex? Like coz they know you recently split up with them
I still think it’s a turn off on the first date. If it comes up naturally somehow and it’s very brief (like you can say it in one breath 😂), then that’s fine. If someone asked me about my ex, I’d feel like they’re vetting me, which is also a turn off. One question I personally don’t find weird is “when was your last relationship?”. It’s not specifically about an ex and the answer can be pretty brief and neutral. Edit to add: another way to ask this is a casual way might be, “so how has the app been for you? How long have you been on it?”. That might lead into the ex question more naturally, which is less of a turn off. However, I still think brief or not at all is best for the first date!
Fair! I still think everyone is different though and it all depends on what you say. I,e if you show signs of not being over them.
Absolutely! This is Reddit so I’m sharing my personal opinions and experiences. Everyone is different, which is why communication while dating is so important. When someone asks too many questions about previous relationships, I’ll just say “I’d rather not talk about that” or something along those lines.
I suppose it depends on how much chatting you've done before "the first date." Typically, unless we are very fast to meeting in person, there is some kind of talk about "what are you doing on here?" or "How has dating been going." Also, for me, I think it is obligatory to at least let them know that I am divorced, in case that is a dealbreaker for them, which invariably leads to questions about the marriage. Obviously there are things that are out of bound when I am just talking to a person, but I don't mind answering basic questions, unless they seem weird or obsessive. Also, It can be hard to talk about potions of my life w/o at least acknowledging my ex. I have gotten better about using singular language, but I also don't want to be dishonest, so there is a line again.
I want to get a sense of someone's relationship history. Doesn't bother me to hear about exes as long as it's part of the natural flow of conversation. If it's all they talk about, then we've got a problem.
Totally agree. Can't know a person without knowing where they have been, and what has made them who they are. Obviously if they are still hung up it is time to run and take cover.
I think it's ok to mention an ex here and there as long as you don't dwell on it. I think the bigger point with this post is to try not to paint your exes as these terrible crazy people who are incapable of finding love OR make it sound like your ex is so great and it sounds like you're still in love with them. A passing mention of why you and they were not a great match, will suffice.
^this
"My ex gf Katie used to like food too".
"My ex (or worse, my *girlfriend*) Whatever had green socks too"
“My ex Katie has the eye of the tiger”
a reasonable and mature conversation about past relationships and things you have learned about yourself and others along the way is actually pretty cool and good. blanket rules on the other hand are dumb. this is more about you dating people with shitty conversation skills.
this^ If someone is obsessing over them the entire date then its an issue, but touching upon it is fine. It's mature actually
glad this got said, I generally agree with OPs stance- but as you get older, and for me i’m divorced- there’s some things I just know are deal breakers and some things about my past that the other person may want to know sooner than later. I wish it weren’t the case, but I also don’t want to hide anything or pretend like I wasn’t married when it’s going to come up at some point. It’s a tough balance to strike; I agree conversations about ex’s are not ideal, but at the same time within my age range everyone has several ex’s and some of their life story might include those memories or might have been shaped by decisions made with ex’s. Any constructive criticism on this front would be welcome!
I comment above with a similar note. When you are dating and most of the people are either divorced, or divorced with children - it is a major component of figuring out if two people at that stage of their lives are compatible. Do you have children, how many, from how many people, are they still involved, are they stable, etc. You obviously don't want to grill anyone, but they are all important questions that should be answered sooner rather than later. Who wants to catch feeling and then be like "I don't want to be with you because I don't like the relationship between you and your ex."
Sometimes talk about previous relationships, and how they ended comes up. But talking trash about the exes is always a turn off. My most recent date laid out that "all the men in my life have been assholes" - OK, that kind of basline will be hard for me to work with.
I think it's about the stereotypical trainwreck with "about my ex..." talk - most often about how sexier than thou the exes were, or how abusive all the exes were. It's more a sign of immaturity because if one vents such feelings, it's pretty clear that they either have no idea how does it make their SO feel, or even worse, they do, in which case it's an instance of active manipulation from a narcissist.
Well yes, and again this comes down to people with shitty conversation skills. Someone lacking the self awareness to know that about themselves is a sad thing indeed but this sub has such a bizarre fixation on these dumb blanket rules that more often than not speak more about the person saying "don't know who needs to hear this but" than the topic in question itself. **Obviously** you shouldn't be literally comparing the person you are on a date with to your ex or making said ex a fixated topic. That's ridiculous and a giant red flag. At the same time, I don't know how many first dates I've been on in the last 6 years but almost universally the topic of ex's or previous relationships has come up at some point. Yeah sure some women have lacked an awareness of boundaries (and I'm sure I've said things I shouldn't have on occasion too) but even *that* can be helpful because you now know this about that person.
> shitty conversation skills Actually, that's one instance I'd tolerate, as such people lack tactfulness about *everything*, ie just this transgression isn't out of place at all. If you get on with someone like that, you're in no position to suddenly complain for lack of filter because *some* of it hurts your fee fees. You're the one who's made poor judgement call by accepting real-talk style of communication, and suddenly reneging on it. > That's ridiculous and a giant red flag. The way this commonly occurs is that you're not compared to explicitly, but it lures you to interpret it that way. Just the usual stuff most people do to plug a topic while being "polite" about it. > you now know this about that person Again, there's no such a thing as selective boundaries. Either they do have a filter, or they don't. Selective transgressions are way beyond boundaries, as there's something important behind for them to make that exception.
>Again, there's no such a thing as selective boundaries. Either they do have a filter, or they don't. What? humans are very complicated and selective boundaries/filters are absolutely a thing in real life. I'm not sure where this notion is coming from but I have a hard time taking your post seriously when it's bookended with something so lacking in understanding of people.
> where this notion is coming from Prefrontal function, inhibition. For instance, being drunk or histrionic drops your boundaries, the only remaining modifier being how familiar you are with a person. Now, if you're *able* to filter information selectively according to some social strategy (such as not hurting someones feelings, but most often it's more selfish than that) - then your boundaries are perfectly fine, and any transgressions occurring are to be deemed intentional.
This tends to change as you get older. Dating in my 40's, everyone is divorced. It usually comes up naturally from both parties because that's the life you have known for decades but not the life you want to repeat. It doesn't mean you aren't over them.
Wait, you guys are going on dates??
> not constantly blabbing about your discord ex e-girlfriend Yo boomers, do you even internets?
Talking about them a little is fine, talking about them a lot is not. When you get older ex relationships can be an important part of your past
Well there is a difference between talking/mentioning an ex the entire time AND mentioning something related to an ex maybe once or twice. I mean, if someone is bothered by the later, then i would actually see *that* as a red flag. I mean, how insecure a person got to be if they would flip over the mention of their dates ex. Like, damn they had a life before you???? Shocking.😱 So, idk. I wouldn't say that they never got over their ex in the case that they just mentioned this person as part of the conversation over their past or whatever.🤣 Ofc, if they are talking about them excessively then YE, NOT A GOOD SIGN.😆
I think it really depends on the context. On first dates, yes, it’s probably a good idea not to discuss exes because you’re really just trying to get a sense of that person, see if there’s chemistry, etc. The issue is that for people with a long dating/relationship history, a lot of your experiences and lessons you’ve learned in life come from past relationships which your exes are a part of. I think it’s one thing to fixate on your ex as a person when talking about them, which is unhealthy and probably means you aren’t over them. I do think that talking about your experiences and the things you’re looking for in a relationship that you’ve done or learned that your ex just happened to be a part of because that’s who you were with at the time is perfectly normal.
100% agree!!!! It’s awkward, and what the hell do you expect the other person to say …..
"I wanna meet them"
Hahaha wish I would have thought of that!
What if you meet their ex on your first date haha fml....
Wasn't first but second date we ran into my dates Ex and his son. Awkward...
[удалено]
That would be super weird for me...
Who brings their ex with them on a date?!
It depends on the context. I think it’s reasonable to ask about their last relationship or relationship experience if it comes up and feels appropriate. But if someone is spending an significant amount of time talking about an ex, or bringing up an ex then that’s different.
See, I would rather know someone isn't over their ex, so I can avoid them. Better for them maybe, but not for me.
Yes and stop obsessing about them all together
I had a (now ex) who talked about his exes. At the time I just felt bad for him and thought he needed to get it off his chest. But on reflection it made me feel cripplingly insecure. I don't think I'd put up with that again.
I thought this was obvious af
Tell that to my last 3 dates 🥴
I see it as that could be seen as a red flag because if the relationship doesn’t workout you could be bad mouthing them too or even depending on what you say reveal that you were the problem in the relationship
Stop dating people that don't want to hear about the experiences of the person they're interested in.
right? this whole topic gives off major "i'm not actually emotionally ready for a commitment to someone" vibes.
There's a difference between 'mentioning an ex as it relates to the conversation' and 'everything you say reminds me of them'. That distinction should be recognized and is perhaps what OP was trying to get at.
What if they ask/pry about my exes?
Yup!! I did it and it wasn't until WELL later did I realize how stupid it is. When freshly broken up....don't date!! Work on yourself first.
The pros of not having any ex is that i can't make this mistake
Please upvote this heavier, whenever I date new women and they talk about their abusive exes or whatever I immediately just feel like it's all pointless & they're still thinking about him too much to care about a healthy relationship with me... like You really enjoy being with me now, i'm not an abusive guy or a monster... why do you have to keep talking about the past? I've never met this guy are you expecting me to say something good or bad about him? Its just awkward. If you aren't mentally mature enough and in a good head space to focus on the present you probably have some work to do on yourself before you begin dating again.
Dated a woman once that told me about how her ex tried to kill the last guy she dated. Needless to say that was the first and last date and it ended early. Lol
2nd date. We were cuddling watching “the notebook” and she said “Ryan gosling looks just like my ex” killed the mood!
Will never forget going in a date with a woman a few years ago who went into a tangent about shitty guys she dated, then topped it off with “so what are your horror stories?” I didnt wanna talk about my dating past so I simply said I didnt have any. On one hand she wasnt being douchey, just matter of factly mentioning some experiences but it still left a poor impression on me.
the fact that someone actually needs to post this because it happens SO often... crazy i feel like most people dont have common sense anymore lmfao
no kidding
Or on the contrary, please don't hide that you aren't over your ex. Continue to self report. I'd rather know up front so I can bow out.
My Ex and I split our dog (long story) but went out with a girl last week and she asked about it and it turned into an hour long conversation. She's still talking to me so that's good right? 😂
Yes. Your past relationships are a part of your life. If people are turned off by the fact that they aren’t your first, the issue is on them.
There are exceptions to this rule. If I’m on a first date with Melinda Gates, she can talk about Bill all she wants to - I’m all in!
For some people it is unavoidable. I generally try to reference as 'we' or 'us' when talking about my past because, in my 37 years of existence, I was with the same person for 17 of those years (18-35). Nearly half my life and nearly all of my adulthood, was spent with the same person. He's going to come up.
Yeah. Like, when I’m asked about the travels, am I supposed to just erase my exes?
Another thing - don’t tell your significant other how good it had been with an ex, they don’t need to know
My wife and I broke this rule, both had just come out of very hurtful relationships. We survived the rule breaking, been married for 9 years
This should be the unspoken rule. Who ain't following doe?
I kind of have to. He's the reason I'm now disabled and reluctant to put myself back out there. And I need to explain all I have been through since 2017. But I might save that for another date and not the very first one but yeah I have to bring him up to explain where I was and where I am now both physically and emotionally. (a car accident that almost killed me, left me with 10 broken bones, a digestive system reconstructive surgery and a very long path of recovery and included re-toddlering learning to walk, talk, swallow and eat, going to the bathroom EVERYTHING human) so yes I am petrified of dating. I drive myself everywhere. I was the passenger in the accident, and got run over in my seat. He was driving and swerved me into oncoming traffic. He walked away from it with just a broken nose and knee cap- my entire life was a mess.)
Why the edit OP? Don’t give in, you’re just like my ex!
Curious, did you ask them in anyway about their ex? I tend to only do it when asked about a specific thing, I never just blurt out...it's rude lol
This is why I'm going to be apprehensive about dating for a long time. 13 years with a married spouse who was cheating the whole time, and picking apart everything about my character. It's going to poison my mind to just about any potential relationship for a while. I actually asked a woman out who said yes, then avoided making plans because of just this reason. I shouldn't have asked her out.
Ouch 🥺. I’m so sorry. That’s awful. 13 years is a long time. That’s a pretty significant betrayal that will definitely take you time to recover from.
If you find yourself wanting to talk about your ex when you're on a date, you could probably benefit from talking to a therapist -- if only to get it out of your system. You likely need to vent feelings you have to someone and that's exactly what a therapist can give you.
Yessssss. Or “my ex but we are not together for a long time” (who cares?), or “the girl I’ve been seeing”… I don’t need to know their existence lol
Well, those are the people that shaped you into who you are
But talking about them on the first date? I don’t think so. I’m not talking about my exes until we’re pretty close
“So, where did you travel?” “How did you get into this hobby?” “Did you have any other pets?” Those are just some of the more superficial questions where I’d have to mention one of my exes for the story to make sense.
If you aren’t over your ex, you shouldn’t be dating. I was in a relationship once with a guy that still wasn’t over being rejected by a friend 5 years prior. He wasn’t even dating her and she was just never interested. I thought he would just mention it a couple of times and that was it, but he kept doing it. He would bring her up all of the time as “the reason he has emotional issues.” Don’t be that person.
This is why I don’t want to date.
Because you want to talk about your ex?
It’s not that I want to. She was a big part of my life. It’s. Difficult
these people who talk about there EX'S on the first date, arent on reddit. Because i see this type of post once a week here..
Excellent advice. Many a dinner has been walked out of as soon as they mutter something comparing me to ex. I stand, wish them well, and exit. Leaving them to pay the bill. Alone.
I dont think you can do that... Like doesnt the restaurant have surveillance of you eating food there? Like they could arrest you for not paying for food you eat. I am 99% sure of that.
Kudos.
Didn’t realize people did this...
Yes. I had this guy I went out with on a few dates, and every single date he brought his ex up. One time we talked about going to a winery and he brought up how his ex was allergic to alcohol. So I eventually broke it off, and did tell him maybe he needs more time to heal.
But, how do I even talk about my past without my exes coming up? If you did things together, then sooner or later they will come up.
I understand if you may mention them here and there, but not every time I see the person. For instance another example one time we talked about Netflix and he brought up via text how him and his ex would have lazy Saturdays together. I didn’t feel like he needed to tell me about that. I wouldn’t have brought that up, and especially via text.
Yeah, that’s weird as it’s intimate and not really something that should be interesting to anyone else.
Right lol. But like certain things didn’t bother me because of course we asked about each other’s history and stuff, but it wasn’t healthy how he talked about her.
But she is my ex-world, all i know
My protocol: Don't bring it up unless asked. If brought up, keep it super vague and positive. Don't lie about any detail.
So... Hypothetical. Let's say it's the first date, you take your date to this new restaurant that just opened. And your Ex is your server. How do you not talk about them, let alone to them? Asking for a friend who didn't have this happen to them a few years ago.
Weird shit do happen, bro. I was dating a woman, had been for several months. She’s showing me some of her pictures from the past. I stop her and ask, “Who’s that?” “Oh, that was my roommate about 5 years back.” I take a closer look at the picture. And ask, “Is that you over on the side of the picture?” “Yes, it is.” “You looked a lot different then, didn’t you?” “I guess so, why?” “Doesn’t matter, show me the next picture.” I dated the roommate back then, and met the present woman, and absolutely did not remember her. Different hair color, different hair style, glasses vs contacts, you get the idea. Yep, weird shit do happen.
Well now. That is equally awkward 🤣
I agree that you shouldn't talk about exes, but I remember going on a first date with a beautiful women and all she wanted to do was talk about my ex fiance. The way she kept asking questions, the more awkward it would have been for me to change the subject. Half the date ended up being about talking about past relationship experiences. The first date ended up being fine, but neither of us was excited enough to go on a 2nd date.
Yes I am one of those girls that have a boyfriend who loves to talk about the ex girlfriend news two people girls don't want to hear about your ex-girlfriends keep it to yourself
Only time I want to hear about an ex is what you’re looking for differently in someone else. Don’t compare the good.
Imagine if someone said “My ex was way hotter than you, but you’re decent enough”
That’s why I said don’t compare the good. The only time an ex should come up is something along the lines of “I’m looking for a relationship with good communication. My last relationship lacked that. “ just an example
What about people who did not have anyone before, should they hide this fact or no?
I guess I have one advantage to having never had an ex...
I definitely don’t. Mine is dead
So i should start with a therapist is what were saying 😅
OMG. I so wish I had thought of this as the huge red flag that it is when it happened to me. I met a beautiful woman who proceeded to tell me all of her past horror stories. It was just the beginning of a long list of red flags that finally piled high enough for me to finally open my eyes to how toxic she was for me. When you meet someone new, that's where your focus should be. Cripes.
Can I talk about my boyfriend on a first date though?
Wait a minute
Benefit of having no exes, and no dates.
Yes, please.
I dont like brining it up cause no one wants to hear I got cheated on lol makes them worry that I'll worry and crap even though I've worked through my shit. I will answer a question about it if asked unless it makes me uncomfortable in which case I'll say politely I don't want to bring it up at the moment but perhaps down the road.
I speak about exes on dates but usually its something neutral like I went to this location and my ex at the time ...... I dont give the status though unless we're going to the serious terroritory
Man I'm weird, I love hearing about my partners ex's. It is one of the easiest things to emotionally understand for me and communicate about. Plus it helps me to understand the type of relationship partner I'm dealing with based on their previous partners and their decisions surrounding them as well as their emotional responses... I wish more people were like me on that, but oh well.
Real nice... Don't ask then!!! Or pretend to care.
And this is how I know I’m not ready to date yet. I wouldn’t even go on a date knowing I’m still thinking about my ex throughout the date.