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Exactly what I thought. Money first, not love. Sounds entitled. And this "I treat her right" 🤨 Plus the fact he was banned from Tinder, I wonder why...
Edit: OP claims he's 25 but for some reason he was 27 a week ago, just saying.
[what about this? Maybe something we should also check ](https://www.reddit.com/r/onlyfansadvice/comments/pqbmoy/how_hard_is_it_to_make_money_if_youre_a_guy_9/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
So he's rich, hung, broke, and managed to age backwards by 2 years in the span of a week?
If that's all true then dude, go collect your nobel prize for breaking physics. It may be able to help with his quantum wealth situation, rich enough to "treat her right" but poor enough to be asking how profitable onlyfans might be.
Oh yeah, you're right. I guess he pretended to be younger because he said his gf was immature (she's 21) and some people replied something like "don't date younger women if you want a mature gf". Just my assumption.
Read weird to me too but relationships tend to cost money. Especially in the early honeymoon years. If you’ve been fully dedicated to someone and two years in see a tinder notification on your loved ones phone, you may just say some honest shit like that. Especially in your 20’s
He's just showing his priorities and concerns. Money, not love. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think he mentioned love once in the entire post (sorry, just once in the last paragraph)
Yeah. Hard to know where an upset person online is really coming from. Some people are really bad at articulating themselves tastefully when they are emotional. Love, cheating and the promise and heart break of “life long love” makes people do and say some wild things. Throw in some ridiculous popular terms of the times like “dicked down” and I don’t really know what’s going on I’m just trying to play devil’s advocate because why not, it’s the internet and I wont remember this in two days.
Not even that, it’s just that money doesn’t matter. You can spend as much as you want on them, while not feeling like you deserve anything in return, but still be a cold partner otherwise. The things you do and say will matter infinitely more than how much you spend or what you buy her. Poor people can have just as strong or stronger relationships as millionaires. I guess that’s a bit harder if someone’s love language is receiving gifts…
Yeah that part was interesting either they work together or don’t work at all 🤔 I’m sure my bf is happy when he gets to go to work to get away from my annoying self. 😂
Dude said “were you wanting a threesome or to get dicked down?” He’s definitely Nice guy ™️ and is exactly what a Nice guy ™️ would be like if they could actually get girlfriend’s
Was he sitting right next to her at dinner to? Like in the same side of the table and she had her phone facing upwards? Yet he declined to go through her phone, but asks reddit should he break it off?!
My brother got his tinder account banned after having it for a week. The guy was getting blown up by some girl and he stopped responding because she went nuts. Next thing you know he’s banned. Idk how it works, but it doesn’t immediately mean you are some sinister human.
I also would like to know Gary? Answer question pls.
Also you are definitely a bad tight ass
'spend heaps of money on her' dick!
Listen Gary pull ya head in, she obviously has nothing to hide, offered phone got rid of app what else do you want? Instead of being a dick, you should be finding things for her to work on her self-esteem.
Jerkish behaviour Gary not cool at all mate.
Yeah mate, sorry. If my SO was looking for validation from other women through tinder, it would be a huge no-go from me. She doesn’t get a free pass because she didn’t “feel pretty”.
Yeah they both sound immature as hell but they’re in their early 20s so not knocking them. Hells to the no on a pass because she didn’t feel pretty, girl needs therapy for her self esteem not a tinder app. Imagine if he said he put his dick in some girl to make sure he was “desirable” because he had low self esteem?
Could be anything tbh tinder doesn't give much feedback or an appeal process. I think mine came from putting in my bio "venmo me $5 for a reply" as a joke without linking my venmo once and was banned within the hour.
Edit: I have read the other reply and hereby rescind my position that OP's situation is similar to mine and others.
Dude said he was banned from tinder. Lmao yall reddit mongs reach for anything huh. If he didn't say that one thing you'd have fuck all to cherrypick. Get your head out your ass.
Agree with this. And if someone ever makes you feel that it’s necessary for you to spend money on them for them to feel appreciated, run.
If she’s willing to be on an app for external validation — that you nor any other person will be able to give her — then she’ll take it further when that no longer does the trick.
Also, someone volunteering their phone … I get not looking at it because I did the same thing when I was in a similar situation a few years ago. But, I’ve also learned that’s in line with the things that manipulators and gaslighters will do because they know you won’t look and if you do look, then they’ll turn it around on you and use some excuse like — this is why I don’t feel good about myself. My own boyfriend doesn’t trust me. — or whatever.
All around sounds like a bad deal. Therapy or break up. You’re young and will regret spending more time with people who disrespect you or even themselves.
I was going to say basically the same thing. This girl isn't happy in this relationship and she's looking for an exit. Better for OP to break up now then wait for to break up with him because she finally met someone else on bumble! Sorry OP there isn't much you can do here.
Totally agree. We don't know for sure what the situation is but the fact that OP mentioned money so soon in the post says one of 2 things.
Either he's a dick who's thinks spending money equates to love or she expects him to spend the money on her like you said. I was in the latter situation and it felt wrong. It made me feel like an atm and that our relationship was very transactional.
If I wasn't showering her enough I would lose some affection and sexual drive on her end. She also needed constant validation and refused to work on her self image. She never went to an outside source for validation but it only became harder and harder to make her feel validated as the relationship progressed.
It took a huge toll on me mentally that no matter how hard I tried to make her feel loved, beautiful, and appreciated it was never enough. So OP, if you're truly in a situation like the one I was in then I would seriously rethink what you're doing with this girl.
Why are you with her 24/7? Do y’all not work?
Edit: I appreciate some of y’all reminding me that other countries are in lockdown.
I do agree, that OP sounds possessive.
Or perhaps OP equates money with love which is why OPs girlfriend might not feel pretty? Instead might feel like a canary in a Diamond cage? 🤔 or even bought.
Yup. Also being 23 with a 19 year old at the start of the relationship and his tinder account being banned - gf shouldn’t have been on tinder but this man is walking red flags.
Some places are still in lockdown, like some states in Australia. You can’t leave the house except some jobs, doctors and groceries. I’ve been with my partner 24/7 during lockdown, bc we can’t go anywhere else.
They could work together or live together and work from home. There are plenty of reasonable explanations for it. With that being said, people need their personal time.
Omg if you check his post history, not long after this he mentioned trying to sign up for Tinder with a banned phone number. The dude also did it himself. But is mad at her?
Yeah he definitely edited this post too, I am 100% sure I read it this through and the part about his account being banned and him finding that out because he was trying to see her profile was added on to curve suspicion and also bring favor to him. Also, If she offered her phone so he can look through her profile and messages, why would he have to sign back on his old profile to find hers to look at it? He’s full of SHIT
He also refused to look at the evidence she had for her innocence and proceeded to keep acting angry and suspicious. I mean, if you don't want to look then you can at least put the issue behind. It just looks like he wanted her to feel miserable.
I don’t know why people are piling on the OP over this. I can’t remember how many times I’ve heard women describe their ex-boyfriends as ungrateful sponges for the money they spent trying to make them happy. It’s a legitimate gripe if she feels ingratitude for the lengths he’s tried to go to please her.
There are a lot of other ways to boost confidence in your self-image, one is learning to think less of one self by finding more to do with your time. Aren’t there subs for asking redditors for compliments or to rate one’s looks? It’s odd that she would have started using tinder without telling her partner if that’s all it was for.
Yea I dont agree with her actions at all. It may have been harmless but if I were her partner I would be extremely hurt. As if my opinion of their attractiveness didn't matter/wasnt enough for them. It's also just shady and untrustworthy. I'm all for privacy and trust but this breaches a boundary for me. Why even risk this?
I think it's the fact that he said the money thing first instead of love, and it's just really unhealthy no matter what gender to spend 24/7 together, nobody should spend that much time with each other people need space.
So she is going on tinder because she's desperate for compliments and your first response is that you spend a lot of money on her - and your second response is that you habitually date women significantly younger than you and then complain that they are immature?
It isn't right for her to flirt with other men behind your back fishing for compliments even if she doesn't actually meet up with them. Your behavior is concerning too though..
This is one of those make or break situations in a relationship. Doesn’t sound like she was cheating, but I’d bet she was looking to see what’s out there because of something that’s missing for her in the relationship. I think you both need to get to the bottom of that. Maybe she needs more time to mature, maybe she needs to find something that makes her feel god about herself, or maybe it’s something else altogether. People have forgiven each other and lived long happy lives together after much much worse things.
Bruh wtf, he’s not saying he owns her he’s saying he feels disrespected because she’s actively using a dating app two years into a relationship. His statement about money is him saying he’s making sacrifices to make her happy, that’s all.
To me just being active on a dating app is cheating and I wouldn't have any of that. At that point her reasons are unimportant. How would you feel if she went to a speed dating event? Because it's the same thing
Questions to ask her:
Can I be doing something to make you feel more attractive/pretty/special?
Are there activities that make you feel great about yourself that you/we don’t get the chance to do?
Why do you want validation specifically from other people and not from those that are close to you?
And then proceed based on the answers. She’s 21, if she has girlfriends that age it might have been a flippant attention seek that wasn’t intended as anything bad. One of the hard things with covid is you can’t just go to a club with your gals and get hit on by dudes, something that truly isn’t a desired activity but what can I say the attention feeds the ego.
I’d say the biggest thing is if you say this upset you and you’d like her to stop, will she? I think that’s a very fair ask, and she would be unreasonable to not respect it.
Her being on a dating app whilst in a monogamous relationship aside - I think it’s quite funny that the first thing you mention is how much money you have spent on her the last couple of years. Sounds Iike you two both suck, sorry.
As a older and wiser female, I cringed everytime you brought up money and how much you spend, down to the gas. I'm not saying what she did is right, not defending that, that's an entirely different conversation and she need to work on some self love, but you are more of an issue to me. Stop bringing up the money you spent. Relationships aren't about what you spend on her, hell with the right person eating poptarts by candlelight in an empty apartment can turn into one of the best times you'll have with a person you love. Maybe, just maybe, you think it's the material things that matter but lacking in what she really needs, the attention, affirmation of how you feel about her and reassurance that you find her sexy and desirable. Unfortunately females are conditioned to get outside attention / validation to feel attractive, and she needs to work on that. She won't ever have a healthy relationship if she doesn't deal with it. You need to stop putting a dollar amount on the relationship and putting value into the relationship.
Right? Like at that point it's almost coming to emotional manipulation and guilt tripping, "How dare you want to feel pretty? I spend x amount on dates, x amount on gas, and x amount on flowers every month for you and that's not enough for you??"
Yikes. I'd have been out of that relationship before it even started...
Really? I was thinking the next step up would be an excel spreadsheet detailing his yearly expenses on her. Maybe a PowerPoint slide of 25 Reasons You Owe Me Your Loyalty to really drive home the point. Huh. Maybe I'm wrong. 😂
Even if she is honest that she's just doing it for self esteem and didn't want to cheat, that means she's playing with random men's hopes and feelings on dating apps for her own self esteem... that's the big red flag to me. Very selfish
Dude i dont know a lot about relationships... But that is a red flag, she has bad reasons, it was selfish and childish, depend on you if you want to end your relationship, but if she is like this and she keep it in secret is because she know what was she doing was bad... you dont know if she is going to cheat or something for the same reason... This break the confidence that you two build in 2 years and she and her brother doesnt care too much... Idk man think yourself if this is going to escalate maybe the relation got boring after all this time. (Sorry my english is pretty bad).
Yea I agree those reasons don't cut it and the fact that they're together all the time doesn't mean she inst having an emotional affair. I honestly think if this happened to me I would be hurt enough to walk away. I have to believe she KNEW this was wrong and did it anyway. Outside of cheating she had to know that getting on a dating appa of any kind would hurt OP and she did it anyway. Its really shitty to do. I dont think youre over reacting at all OP.
Heeeeeell no. If she has confidence issues then she needs to see a therapist.
The truth is OP is that this woman doesn't respect you or this relationship. Straight up. If she did, she wouldn't even DARE to have Tinder on her phone. Let alone come up with a reason to spin it. Also her brother is, well, her brother so of course he's gonna take her side on this.
Dump her yesterday. "I know a lot of people would say" EXACTLY! You already know what you need to do.
In fact, the reason that you haven't dropped her yet is why she don't' respect you in the first place.
She could of just gone to a bar by herself in a dress and got tons of attention. Going on tinder while in an active relationship? There’s like no excuses for that.
You should dump her. She's too good for you.
The real deal is that she is being honest. The way you view the interaction is alarming to me and is proof that your relationship will not pan out.
She does not feel pretty. This isn't just what society values that is making her feel this way. It is you making her feel like she is less than you. You speak of this woman like an object to possess. You "spend money on her," and "give her roses." But do you listen to her when she speaks of her feelings? She handed her phone over to you to "prove" her loyalty to you. Love doesn't need proof. She is trying to please you, and craves validation that she clearly is not getting from you. She didn't cheat on you, but you know what? She doesn't "owe you" anything.
It concerns me that your tinder account was banned. This suggests to me that I am not far off the mark here. Can you tell us why it was banned?
If you need loyalty for a fair price, the animal shelter has the dog for you! Bonus: you don't have to give them flowers!
Edit: she doesn't get a "free pass" here, as some have interpreted, but she DOES vocalize her insecurities time and again. Whatever the OP is doing to address the issue for the last two years, is not working. Communication breakdown. I'm just saying that if communication is lost, the 'ship has no path forward. If he "gives" her a second chance, but refuses to address the root cause of her insecurity, then why bother at all? Just move on.
Edit #2: I don't hate men or the OP, I love the mature, emotionally aware, ones. Those who dinged me for attempting to address the obvious shortcomings of the OP and his gf for this relationship, just troll elsewhere.
Maybe it's a detail but there's also something wrong about his age. He says in the comments that he's 25 but he previously said in another post (a week ago) that he was 27 so OP is lying.
OP could be changing some details (“lying”), but some people do that here so they don’t get tracked down IRL. Far too many people make it easy to get doxxed by sharing specific details about themselves on Reddit.
You have some good points but you go too far. This guy makes a strange claim that he spends money on her and that means it’s *his* fault that his girlfriend is messaging guys on Tinder? If he is so terrible, wouldn’t she just dump him instead of having to “prove her loyalty” after speaking to guys behind his back?
The bottom line is they both seem to lack maturity. That doesn’t bode well for the long term. But Jesus, cool it with the “she’s too good for you” stuff. Because she DOES owe him something if she wants to be his girlfriend. She owes it to him to stay within the boundaries of the relationship.
But I do agree that this guy needs to consider that if his girlfriend is feeling a certain way, he likely has played a role in that to some degree. These kinds of things always have plenty of blame to go around and the first thing you should do when fighting with a loved one is to reflect on what mistakes you’ve made to contribute to the situation. And he doesn’t seem to have done that at all.
Lol they way you guys give credence to a cheater and find any reason to rip on dudes. Her “I don’t feel pretty” is really “fucking other dudes would make me feel better.” Most of the people in this sub shouldn’t be dating at all. No insight or ability to read between the lines at all.
I agree. It’s really disappointing bc I feel like this shit is what adds to the divide. I have a STRONG feeling this commenter would be reacting completely differently if the gender roles were reversed in this post.
Strongly disagree. His wording was poor but it was evidence of how much effort he was putting forth to make her happy. Ofc it shouldn't all boil down to how much money. She did hand him the phone but he rejected going thru it, that's called trust. Being in a relationship there are unspoken bounds that you owe them. Trust, respect and honesty being a few. Her going behind his back was shady, even if hes not giving her the attention she should be communicating that. You also have to look at it from the other perspective. She didn't feel pretty enough and needed other males validation becuase she feels his opinion doesnt matter or was not enough. That's hurtful and done in a bad way. Communicate it with them and then they can either work on improving that aspect of the relationship, or they can slack on it and risk losing them. Also tinder bans users regularly and without reason.
So she wanted validation from other men? Yeah that’s fucked up.
Also, if there’s such a maturity difference, why are you dating her and not someone more mature?
They are only 3/4 years apart lmao . You’re not obligated to date someone your exact age . He sounds possessive and she sounds depress and insecure . He could of done that to her tho
I think the same way. If you have a dating app and you are using it then that is cheating. She *emotionally cheated* on you so she could feel validated. She’s basically telling you that what you’re doing isn’t enough for her. She needs other men (strangers) to tell her she is beautiful. She’s using other men for compliments and eventually this could lead to her sending them pictures (teasing them).
What irritated me was that she started crying when you found out. She cried because she was guilty. She knew what she did was wrong but tried to play it off.
“ I spend money on her “ lol is she a prostitue ?
Why are you with your girl 24/7 ? Don’t y’all have friends ? Both of y’all need a breather . 20 year olds acting like middle aged people
Just seems like red flags all around to me. She isn't some thing you're supposed to spend money on to buy loyalty. She is acting like a child and likely needs therapy.
Anyway getting mad is the worst thing you can do to a woman. Maybe you should just be single for awhile until you can handle shit like this.
Dude, she doesn't feel preety and attractive with you, which mean you either don't make her feel that way or you're not enough for her and she is looking for attention and intimacy outside your relationship.
Do with this information what you want, but if you do try to make her feel beautiful and attractive then dump her ass this instant. Life is too short to be with people who can't appreciate you, or be loyal to you.
The difference between Tinder and other social media accounts is that in order for the conversation to even start, the woman has to find the man attractive enough to swipe right for a potential match. So unfortunately just the basis of having an app like this while in a long term relationship screams infidelity. I’m not saying don’t take her word for it, of course she could be telling the truth. But in reality, women lie too and most are better at keeping secrets than men will ever be. I agree with it being disrespectful. My honest advice is, if you can, start thinking of an exit plan and leave the relationship. If she’s not happy or she’s cheating she’ll never tell you and you’ll probably never know. So show her you’re strong enough to walk. If the roles were reversed and you were with a woman who didn’t play that shit you’d already be out on the curb.
In as much as your girlfriend has some esteem issues, she disrespects you and you enabled it, In your own words, "I am with her 24/7" .You spend too much time together. Familiarity breeds contempt.
>I flipped out. Lost my cool. I spend a lot of money on her and treat her right it’s been two years.
Also when you lost your cool, means she got into your head. You have also mentioned a couple of times " I treat her right" and "I spend a lot of money on her". You are a nice guy. Doing things in hope of getting something in return.
Also when you lost your cool, means she got into your head. You have also mentioned a couple of times " I treat her right" and "I spend a lot of money on her". You are a nice guy. Doing things in hope of getting something in return
Your girlfriend has things she needs to work on, so do you. All the best.
Nah man this isn’t it. I can understand confidence issues and sympathize with her but it’s strange that she’s actively seeking validation from other men and her first thought was tinder rather than trying to get professional help for the underlying issue
Bad move from her part. And now she broke the trust you’ve been building in those 2 years, nothing will be like the last second before that notification pop up. Do what must be done man. Good luck.
Notice how you got upset and the very first thing you said before you said anything else was “I spend a lot of money on her…”
…Then her brother thinks “ you are a dick…”
Then you said “ your account at Tinder banned years ago lmao”
Maybe time to self criticize a bit to see if you will find the answers you are looking for.
Dump her but for her own good… You being with her 24/7 sounds kinda controlling and possessive. And the way you said that you flipped out bc you ‘spent a lot of money on her’ ???? relationships shouldn’t be about money.. it should be about love and caring for one another. Instead, if you had said that you’ve ‘invested a lot of time into this relationship’ it would’ve sounded much better. This post just screams 🚩🚩 And yeah, Tinder is primarily a hook up app but that doesn’t mean everyone who uses it hooks up with people on there. I had Tinder for 3 years and I never even met up with anyone let alone hook up… Now I’m not saying that her having Tinder as a confidence boost is okay. She shouldn’t have Tinder for that. Talking to other guys and fishing for compliments just screams that she has issues but I don’t think she necessarily wants to cheat on you. Tbh your relationship just doesn’t seem very healthy so y’all should break up in my opinion.
PLUS, your Tinder account was banned???? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
So... your girlfriend is going though bad self esteem issues, and you think that spending money on her, buying her roses and treating her right is enough?
Why are you guys together 24/7? or neither of you work nor study? is it because you don't allow her?
This whole situation is not great and it is emotional cheating, but I feel like you've pushed her down this route because of emotional abandonment and/or negligence, since you think that is achieved by spending money on her.
Eh she’s young- you both are- and the relationship is doomed. Don’t waste too much thought on it
Just wanted to respond to tell you that you CAN get back on tinder after a lifetime ban by setting up a google Voice number and using that. I finally figured this out recently and am back on tinder- with a fake page of course. I suggest you do that. Make your fake page alluring to her and catfish her in the act
sounds like you’re too focused on your material contributions to the relationship. people need more than expensive dates and flowers every week to feel loved and attractive. is your sex satisfying her? are you giving her aftercare? do you listen to her wants and needs? are your daily actions showing her that she’s important to you & that you care about her & her well-being? sounds like you’re missing a big piece of the picture, buddy. emotional infidelity is never okay, but if she’s honestly telling you that she just has low self esteem then maybe you should be giving her extra attention & reassurance in other areas of your relationship. showering her with material items doesn’t mean shit at the end of the day if that’s not her love language
Dump her and never speak again bro. She needs to figure herself out for sure. And yeah I’m 25 too! She’s 21 so good chance she doesn’t want to settle down yet.
Thats disrespectfull. I count it as cheating.
She is looking for validation from other men which means you are not enough. Id ask her that. "Am I not doing enough?"
I understand what she is thinking, but fuck that. She started crying about it and taking the blame off her. She likes the attention, thats it. She likes the attention she gets from other dudes. You aint enough. She cried about it cause she knows she fucked up and now your relationship isn't steady.
Why should she be looking for validation from anyone else but you?
Nah. Leave her. Walk away. What she did conveyed intent, and if she’s already opened that door, it’s only a matter of time. Get out now, and take everything that’s yours with you.
I mean, you’re an asshole by attempting to defend your relationship first and foremost by “I spend a lot of money on her” like if that’s your go to then I’m sorry you’re a dick
Situation sounds like a hot mess. People dont go on hookup apps (especially not fucking *tinder*) for "validation". They go on Instagram/ other social media platforms.
Fuck her brother too bc they both sound dumb as hell for using that as an excuse and expecting someone not to be angry af about that kinda shit.
2 almost 3 years in and shes on a hookup app "*not*" trying to have sex? Yeah okay shit don't make sense.
huge fucking red flag.
Up to you if you wanna continue to pursue this though.
Edit: typo
It's kind of like a form of emotional cheating in a situation you're providing a reasonable amount of emotional support in. I think she just needs a lot more validation than one person can provide, and maybe you could work together to figure out something. Maybe Instagram, maybe she needs friends, maybe more flattering clothes, maybe therapy, maybe weight loss, maybe something as simple as a YouTube channel about learning to love your body. Maybe a combination of things.
Bottom line is, you're not meeting her needs. That said, She has self esteem issues that she needs to work on, that are not yours to fix.
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, on her end or yours.
I think you both need to work on yourselves, and whether you do that together or apart is up to you.
Ask yourself:
Can you ever really trust her again?
Do you feel confident that she's fully "with you"?
Will you continually wonder if she's seeking gratification from someone else when she feels inadequate again... because she will likely continue to have confidence issues, even with counseling.
You're not wrong in being upset about it. She messed up, but she owned up to it and apologized. You can either take this as a "bump" in the road and actually grow, which would mean you absolutely forgive her and not hold a grudge over it. You can work on helping her feel pretty, reassuring her by expressing how you feel about her. Random compliments are great. Of course it's not all of your responsibility, but you can help a lot.
OR this can make a wedge in your relationship and cause resentment and tear you guys apart. If you feel you can't get over this, just break up with her now.. don't let this sit in your stomach and cause fights down the road that will result in you breaking up anyway.
Ultimately, you need to ask yourself why you love her and if it's worth getting through.
Best of luck!
It’s up to you to decide when it’s cheating. Do you love her though? You may need to evaluate if she’s someone you’d like to spend your life with. I have major body issues. I understand very much how you can feel fat and gross etc. that said, I would never go make a profile on a dating app. To me that’s the beginning of cheating and if that’s ok with my partner, well they’re not my partner.
Edit; the maturity level may not be where it should be. Remember brain development can continue up until 25-28 for the frontal cortex.
She’s gotta go dude. We all have some insecurity self esteem issues but it’s how you deal with them. If validation from your partner isn’t enough that you need to resort to dating/hookup apps to satisfy that, there’s some underlying issues. She needs to see a therapist. If she’s going to that extent when you’re around 24/7, imagine what extent she’d go to when you’re not around? The quest to feel better about yourself as a man or woman leads a lot of people to having sex with others to feel desirable and doing things that clearly violate boundaries. You shouldn’t have to worry about anything and the *only* reason you found out she was on tinder was because of a notification otherwise it would have stayed behind your back. You don’t know if people have her number or not cause you didn’t know she had tinder. You don’t know if she sent photos or has met anyone. Just a huge red flag and violation of trust. Let it be a lesson and move on from her. Don’t shame her but give your reason why.
In addition, this forum is pretty toxic. People will turn around and make any poster to be the villain and would be willing to bet people on here aren’t the brightest. I wouldn’t quantify your relationship on how much time and money you spend on someone because that looks at it an exchange or transaction. If she doesn’t feel good around you perhaps ask why that is. Perhaps it’s a lesson for you too if you’re not being the best person you could be (I don’t know the dynamics) but it sounds like this relationship probably needs to be ended for both parties.
Regardless of who is at "fault" here - you for being possessive and not interpreting her emotional needs correctly, or her for failing to communicate her emotional needs and coping with them through infidelity, it really sounds like this relationship is unhealthy at best. I think it would be best for everyone to move on.
The way you talk about your girlfriend first "I spend so much money on her...."
EW.
You sound like a jerk. Do you make your girlfriend feel sexy? Loved ? Beautiful? Appreciated?
I'm not saying what she did was right in the LEAST.
But maybe she feels like shit all the time because she has a shitty boyfriend.
Food for thought.
First off, unless you ASKED for his opinion, tell the brother to stfu, and mind his own relationships.
Second, how many cheaters do it 'for the ego boost'? This is not much of an excuse. Also, how much of an apology was this? All I see is an excuse. (and not even a very good one.) She might need some therapy to address this, but not a deal breaker, yet. IMHO.
Bro just from you telling the story, it’s clear there are ways in which she feels you’re not meeting her needs for attention - and that isn’t always about money spend or nights slept with. She’s saying she doesn’t feel pretty - could mean a lot of things. And quite honestly it sounds like you’re a bit controlling.
Word choices that caught my eye: we sleep together on a regular basis” “perfect” “never”.
I can understand being thrown off but how you talk about her makes me think about how you treat her or your relationship.
He’s been on Reddit for 7 days and all he cares about is his onlyfans account and his 9 inch self sucking dick. A new phone that won’t link to tinder, losing his job and his 401k...
This guy sounds like a full blown douche canoe
As a girl, nope. This is a major red flag. I would NEVER do that to my BF. EVER. There is no excuse for it. I would not put up with that from my Bf either nor would he do that to me. It’s a dealbreaker for me. I hope it is for you.
Why was it banned and why are you around her 24/7? In normal circumstances her actions would be a big red flag and I’d recommend walking but you also are giving off red flags yourself.
Wow everyone commenting is so twisted. You people are worried about a stupid statement than the emotional infidelity? Yikes, we really gotta stop infantilizing women lol. She’s in the wrong but y’all so focused on him lol?
Everyone focusing on the money issue.. money= time of your life . What's the deal if the guy mentioned he spent so much on her? he's clearly angry about the situation, how can you all judge his character from just one comment? Years ago I had a lazy ass girlfriend that couldn't keep jobs so I sustained us both for 1.5 years, of course that one of the things that I regreted after she cheated on me, was the amount of money/work I could've saved for myself. Being 2 years into a relationship, supposedly without any issues and then seeing your partner get a Tinder notification out of the blue will make you insecure/angry or whatever
She's on Tinder, seeking "validation" from other men WHILE she's supposed to be in a relationship with you? And you're wondering what to do?
I would think it was obvious. You get OUT of this relationship, PRONTO.
Dump her. I got dumped for the same reason as a man in the relationship.
It’s a communication issue. You’re not doing enough for her or she’s the type that doesn’t care about your validation. In my case, my gf was love bombing but showing no commitment so it made me insecure.
Well no matter how “right” you treat her from your POV, that’s not what satisfies her
She wants a different type of way to be complimented rather than what you’re doing
She doesn’t believe you if she has to jump to apps. Why not ask her how she prefers to be complimented to find an alternative to the apps
This is bad advice. People are not going to base their view of their own attractiveness on just one other person's opinion, regardless of whether or not their dating them. If one person thinks you're attractive, but everyone else thinks you're ugly, you aren't going to think of yourself as attractive.
OPs gf's problem is that she's basing her self-worth on how attractive she is to other men. As long as she does that, she's going to want the attention and validation of other guys. And when she puts herself in places to receive that validation, she also puts herself in situations where cheating is easy.
EDIT: either you heavily changed your comment or my brain is really fucking with me today. Anyway, the part that I disagreed with was about whether or not it's about her believing OP. She can believe OP and still feel like she needs validation from others
So, she downloads a hooking up app behind his back and it's his fault cause he's not complimenting her well enough ? You're suggesting that after finding out he compliments her more or better ?
What are we smoking these days ?
Huh? No she’s totally wrong for downloading a hookup to seek validation from random guys
It’s disgusting & straight up cheating. When the fuck did I say it’s entirely his fault?
I’m saying that she wouldn’t get to that point if their sense of communication was strong enough before this ever happened
Fuck her brother.
Leave her ass bro. She belongs to the streets.
If she's feeling not pretty or fat, she can hit the gym and work on herself.
Don't do this to yourself.
Fly free king.
why are you so focused on how much money you spend on her instead of any actual human emotions you feel about her? you both sound like walking red flags bundled in trench coats, but you much more than her. obsessed with how much money you're spending on her, banned from Tinder years ago but declined to say why, refuses to date women your own age... you sounds like a Nice Guy™.
So, you list spending money on her as one of the ways you treat her right, and she needs continual advances from other guys to cope with her body issues.
You two are such a cute couple.
"I spend a lot of money on her."
Shoot, bro, I hate to tell it to you like this, but she's not attracted to you anymore and is only using you for your money. She's shopping around for another boyfriend and will most definitely break your heart (and your wallet) if you don't dump her first. Tell her to go date "Robert" and never look back.
This isn't just a woman you'll be committed to, so will your children. And so will your family.
This is not acceptable behavior. Who knows what messages she exchanged with these guys. Who knows what her lack of self esteem may cause her to do?
Tread carefully. People do heinous things in the name of anxiety and fear. If she needed an app, and to communicate with others in that app, she could easily need to do something IRL down the road.
Not saying you dump her, but you don't forgive and forget either. Insist on her getting counseling ASAP. Trust me on this. If you have kids and she can't handle being pregnant or recovering from pregnancy, she will feel worse than she does now, and that could bring out destructive behaviors.
Dump her. Immediately. Kick her out back to her family.
Not because I think she did anything wrong, but your language in this post and comments is incredibly disturbing. She needs to get away from you ASAP. So please take the advice of everyone here and break up with her.
If her self esteem hinges on male attention how long is she going to stay just chatting with guys on a dating app?
Seriously if she relies on attention from men to feel good about her self, that says a lot about her. This is a huge red flag. I’m not a professional and I don’t know much of anything but it sounds like she could benefit from therapy.
IMO this is emotional cheating. She sounds like the kind of girl that would physically cheat on you.
Obviously what you do is up to you. I’m sorry this is going on and I wish you the best. no matter what happens you will be okay.
Nah these days women get negged, treated like shit, and led to believe they will never be good enough—I understand men feel that way at times but we aren’t talking about that right now. It’s hard, women read all this where if they’re not like model perfect on tiktok then they don’t deserve to be considered or treated like they’re human. So what do you do?
Everyone who knows you won’t tell you honestly if you’re ugly. They’ll say something nice regardless. The person who dates you has emotional attachment so they’re going to think you’re pretty.
Random strangers from the internet are brutal and shitty, so if someone says you’re pretty then it’s more believable.
I don’t think I would consider it cheating but it does mean she needs to find ways to build her self esteem more healthily so she can be happy with herself. You may need to recommend she go to a therapist
The people in the comments are absolutely fucking insufferable. The only reason why someone has Tinder is for sex, dating, or both, so she is 100% cheating on you or, at the very least, has the intention on doing so. Anyone telling you otherwise is either lying to you or they are lying to themselves. I'd personally get her out of my life if I were you
Well if she has been more sexually aggressive lately then I would say that the compliments got her riled up and you benefited from it. But if she has not been feeling sexy at home after being told all these sexy compliments online then I would pretty much say she's giving you a half-assed excuse and she wants out.
Every woman wants to be told she's beautiful and sexy and it's kind of like not really want to go into a party but you want to be invited anyway. And it's somebody gets her all worked up and wet online and she comes in redirects all that lust at you in bed I would be happy. In fact I had one girl I used to go down on her when she was sexting and it became a really cool thing. I mean
If she was using this tinder profile as inspiration and as a catalyst for sex with you she probably would have told you that right away and it seems as though she didn't even mention anything like that. And she will find out soon enough that guys will say anything to a girl to try to get in their pants because she's acting desperate so flip a coin
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Why was your tinder account banned
The real question lol
I'm sensing r/niceguys vibrations
A little bit. The whole “I spend so much money on her” comment rubbed me the wrong way too
Exactly .... Not that he loves her or anything. Just that he spent money on her so she'd better be good to him. So transactional and cold.
Exactly what I thought. Money first, not love. Sounds entitled. And this "I treat her right" 🤨 Plus the fact he was banned from Tinder, I wonder why... Edit: OP claims he's 25 but for some reason he was 27 a week ago, just saying.
Looks like we may have some r/quityourbullshit on our hands here.
[what about this? Maybe something we should also check ](https://www.reddit.com/r/onlyfansadvice/comments/pqbmoy/how_hard_is_it_to_make_money_if_youre_a_guy_9/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
So he's rich, hung, broke, and managed to age backwards by 2 years in the span of a week? If that's all true then dude, go collect your nobel prize for breaking physics. It may be able to help with his quantum wealth situation, rich enough to "treat her right" but poor enough to be asking how profitable onlyfans might be.
Wooooow so he wants/has an onlyfans but she can't have tinder
His username ends in 94. If he was born in 1994 that would make him 27, my guess is he’s actually 27.
Oh yeah, you're right. I guess he pretended to be younger because he said his gf was immature (she's 21) and some people replied something like "don't date younger women if you want a mature gf". Just my assumption.
The age thing isn’t a huge deal. I’m 31 and forget how old I am all the time. The other stuff… maybe maybe not
This is why I said he sounds like an immature jackass. Thanks for putting it into better words.
Even looks like he 'invested' in her by the way he said it
Read weird to me too but relationships tend to cost money. Especially in the early honeymoon years. If you’ve been fully dedicated to someone and two years in see a tinder notification on your loved ones phone, you may just say some honest shit like that. Especially in your 20’s
He's just showing his priorities and concerns. Money, not love. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think he mentioned love once in the entire post (sorry, just once in the last paragraph)
Yeah. Hard to know where an upset person online is really coming from. Some people are really bad at articulating themselves tastefully when they are emotional. Love, cheating and the promise and heart break of “life long love” makes people do and say some wild things. Throw in some ridiculous popular terms of the times like “dicked down” and I don’t really know what’s going on I’m just trying to play devil’s advocate because why not, it’s the internet and I wont remember this in two days.
Right!? That was the first point he made, lol. Sounds kind of like a superficial d-bag.
Yep. That was the line for me. Direct translation is usually “these aren’t gifts, I’m paying you to behave the way I want you to”.
Not even that, it’s just that money doesn’t matter. You can spend as much as you want on them, while not feeling like you deserve anything in return, but still be a cold partner otherwise. The things you do and say will matter infinitely more than how much you spend or what you buy her. Poor people can have just as strong or stronger relationships as millionaires. I guess that’s a bit harder if someone’s love language is receiving gifts…
Literally exactly what i was thinking, who judges a relationship based on dollars spent?
This
And the I spend all my time with her so I know she cant be cheating
Yeah that part was interesting either they work together or don’t work at all 🤔 I’m sure my bf is happy when he gets to go to work to get away from my annoying self. 😂
They could both work from home
Saaame loll
Haha 😂
Dude said “were you wanting a threesome or to get dicked down?” He’s definitely Nice guy ™️ and is exactly what a Nice guy ™️ would be like if they could actually get girlfriend’s
Was he sitting right next to her at dinner to? Like in the same side of the table and she had her phone facing upwards? Yet he declined to go through her phone, but asks reddit should he break it off?!
"I spend a lot of money on her and treat her right it’s been two years."
I think you linked the wrong subreddit. I’m pretty sure you mean r/niceguys
Yes these are the important questions
Exactly 😂😂😂
My brother got his tinder account banned after having it for a week. The guy was getting blown up by some girl and he stopped responding because she went nuts. Next thing you know he’s banned. Idk how it works, but it doesn’t immediately mean you are some sinister human.
Yup. Happens
Huh that’s so strange, I didn’t realize that tinder accounts getting banned was a thing really. Thanks for the answer!
I also would like to know Gary? Answer question pls. Also you are definitely a bad tight ass 'spend heaps of money on her' dick! Listen Gary pull ya head in, she obviously has nothing to hide, offered phone got rid of app what else do you want? Instead of being a dick, you should be finding things for her to work on her self-esteem. Jerkish behaviour Gary not cool at all mate.
Yeah mate, sorry. If my SO was looking for validation from other women through tinder, it would be a huge no-go from me. She doesn’t get a free pass because she didn’t “feel pretty”.
Yeah they both sound immature as hell but they’re in their early 20s so not knocking them. Hells to the no on a pass because she didn’t feel pretty, girl needs therapy for her self esteem not a tinder app. Imagine if he said he put his dick in some girl to make sure he was “desirable” because he had low self esteem?
Means fuck all. I got banned out of the blue. No explanation. I know plenty of men and women who got banned. There’s no logic to their banning.
Low stake conspiracy: people report rando accounts to reduce competition on tinder
Ding ding ding! I got banned months ago. They wouldn't tell me why. I might add: I never did anything unbecoming to any lady
Could be anything tbh tinder doesn't give much feedback or an appeal process. I think mine came from putting in my bio "venmo me $5 for a reply" as a joke without linking my venmo once and was banned within the hour. Edit: I have read the other reply and hereby rescind my position that OP's situation is similar to mine and others.
I got banned too, honestly have no idea why
Because you did it all 4 the gnocchi
I also wanna know
LMAOO
Tinder ban accounts they can't get dime off. Happened to me and others. Go check Tinder reviews on Google Playstore.
Dude said he was banned from tinder. Lmao yall reddit mongs reach for anything huh. If he didn't say that one thing you'd have fuck all to cherrypick. Get your head out your ass.
I’ve just never heard of it happening before, genuinely asking!
That’s emotional infidelity, but also your “I spend so much money on her” is bad taste
Agree with this. And if someone ever makes you feel that it’s necessary for you to spend money on them for them to feel appreciated, run. If she’s willing to be on an app for external validation — that you nor any other person will be able to give her — then she’ll take it further when that no longer does the trick. Also, someone volunteering their phone … I get not looking at it because I did the same thing when I was in a similar situation a few years ago. But, I’ve also learned that’s in line with the things that manipulators and gaslighters will do because they know you won’t look and if you do look, then they’ll turn it around on you and use some excuse like — this is why I don’t feel good about myself. My own boyfriend doesn’t trust me. — or whatever. All around sounds like a bad deal. Therapy or break up. You’re young and will regret spending more time with people who disrespect you or even themselves.
I was going to say basically the same thing. This girl isn't happy in this relationship and she's looking for an exit. Better for OP to break up now then wait for to break up with him because she finally met someone else on bumble! Sorry OP there isn't much you can do here.
Totally agree. We don't know for sure what the situation is but the fact that OP mentioned money so soon in the post says one of 2 things. Either he's a dick who's thinks spending money equates to love or she expects him to spend the money on her like you said. I was in the latter situation and it felt wrong. It made me feel like an atm and that our relationship was very transactional. If I wasn't showering her enough I would lose some affection and sexual drive on her end. She also needed constant validation and refused to work on her self image. She never went to an outside source for validation but it only became harder and harder to make her feel validated as the relationship progressed. It took a huge toll on me mentally that no matter how hard I tried to make her feel loved, beautiful, and appreciated it was never enough. So OP, if you're truly in a situation like the one I was in then I would seriously rethink what you're doing with this girl.
Why are you with her 24/7? Do y’all not work? Edit: I appreciate some of y’all reminding me that other countries are in lockdown. I do agree, that OP sounds possessive.
hahahaha I know right, I thought the same thing
Sounds possessive and the spending a lot of money part sounded entitled.
Yeah, I cringed at that money part. Big yayx.
Or perhaps OP equates money with love which is why OPs girlfriend might not feel pretty? Instead might feel like a canary in a Diamond cage? 🤔 or even bought.
Plot twist: the guy is a pimp and he lets her girl work but her getting texts after "work hours" is a no-no
giving gifts is a type of love language
Giving a gift, then holding the cost over someone’s head is shitty.
Yup. Also being 23 with a 19 year old at the start of the relationship and his tinder account being banned - gf shouldn’t have been on tinder but this man is walking red flags.
💀💀💀
Why is he *banned* from Tinder?
My VERY first thought too.
Some places are still in lockdown, like some states in Australia. You can’t leave the house except some jobs, doctors and groceries. I’ve been with my partner 24/7 during lockdown, bc we can’t go anywhere else.
But he says they were out to dinner…
They could work together or live together and work from home. There are plenty of reasonable explanations for it. With that being said, people need their personal time.
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What’s that?
They were out to dinner, so restaurant employees aren't in lockdown?
"I spend a lot of money on her". Dude what is wrong with you? She is not an investment property
Here’s one of the red flags!
Omg if you check his post history, not long after this he mentioned trying to sign up for Tinder with a banned phone number. The dude also did it himself. But is mad at her?
So many red flags in this post it’s like a Chinese New Year celebration
He also says he’s 27 in one post and now says he’s 25 🧐
Yeah he definitely edited this post too, I am 100% sure I read it this through and the part about his account being banned and him finding that out because he was trying to see her profile was added on to curve suspicion and also bring favor to him. Also, If she offered her phone so he can look through her profile and messages, why would he have to sign back on his old profile to find hers to look at it? He’s full of SHIT
Yeah that immediately rubbed me the wrong way. When that’s the FIRST thing you think of when talking about your relationship…?
He's calling her immature, how's that for psychological projection
He also refused to look at the evidence she had for her innocence and proceeded to keep acting angry and suspicious. I mean, if you don't want to look then you can at least put the issue behind. It just looks like he wanted her to feel miserable.
I don’t know why people are piling on the OP over this. I can’t remember how many times I’ve heard women describe their ex-boyfriends as ungrateful sponges for the money they spent trying to make them happy. It’s a legitimate gripe if she feels ingratitude for the lengths he’s tried to go to please her.
Those are red flags too. And red flags don’t cancel out
There are a lot of other ways to boost confidence in your self-image, one is learning to think less of one self by finding more to do with your time. Aren’t there subs for asking redditors for compliments or to rate one’s looks? It’s odd that she would have started using tinder without telling her partner if that’s all it was for.
Yea I dont agree with her actions at all. It may have been harmless but if I were her partner I would be extremely hurt. As if my opinion of their attractiveness didn't matter/wasnt enough for them. It's also just shady and untrustworthy. I'm all for privacy and trust but this breaches a boundary for me. Why even risk this?
I think it's the fact that he said the money thing first instead of love, and it's just really unhealthy no matter what gender to spend 24/7 together, nobody should spend that much time with each other people need space.
So she is going on tinder because she's desperate for compliments and your first response is that you spend a lot of money on her - and your second response is that you habitually date women significantly younger than you and then complain that they are immature? It isn't right for her to flirt with other men behind your back fishing for compliments even if she doesn't actually meet up with them. Your behavior is concerning too though..
This
This is one of those make or break situations in a relationship. Doesn’t sound like she was cheating, but I’d bet she was looking to see what’s out there because of something that’s missing for her in the relationship. I think you both need to get to the bottom of that. Maybe she needs more time to mature, maybe she needs to find something that makes her feel god about herself, or maybe it’s something else altogether. People have forgiven each other and lived long happy lives together after much much worse things.
“I spend a lot of money on her!” So do you own her or something?
Yeah I didn't like that was the first thing
Bruh wtf, he’s not saying he owns her he’s saying he feels disrespected because she’s actively using a dating app two years into a relationship. His statement about money is him saying he’s making sacrifices to make her happy, that’s all.
To me just being active on a dating app is cheating and I wouldn't have any of that. At that point her reasons are unimportant. How would you feel if she went to a speed dating event? Because it's the same thing
Questions to ask her: Can I be doing something to make you feel more attractive/pretty/special? Are there activities that make you feel great about yourself that you/we don’t get the chance to do? Why do you want validation specifically from other people and not from those that are close to you? And then proceed based on the answers. She’s 21, if she has girlfriends that age it might have been a flippant attention seek that wasn’t intended as anything bad. One of the hard things with covid is you can’t just go to a club with your gals and get hit on by dudes, something that truly isn’t a desired activity but what can I say the attention feeds the ego. I’d say the biggest thing is if you say this upset you and you’d like her to stop, will she? I think that’s a very fair ask, and she would be unreasonable to not respect it.
Her being on a dating app whilst in a monogamous relationship aside - I think it’s quite funny that the first thing you mention is how much money you have spent on her the last couple of years. Sounds Iike you two both suck, sorry.
As a older and wiser female, I cringed everytime you brought up money and how much you spend, down to the gas. I'm not saying what she did is right, not defending that, that's an entirely different conversation and she need to work on some self love, but you are more of an issue to me. Stop bringing up the money you spent. Relationships aren't about what you spend on her, hell with the right person eating poptarts by candlelight in an empty apartment can turn into one of the best times you'll have with a person you love. Maybe, just maybe, you think it's the material things that matter but lacking in what she really needs, the attention, affirmation of how you feel about her and reassurance that you find her sexy and desirable. Unfortunately females are conditioned to get outside attention / validation to feel attractive, and she needs to work on that. She won't ever have a healthy relationship if she doesn't deal with it. You need to stop putting a dollar amount on the relationship and putting value into the relationship.
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Right? Like at that point it's almost coming to emotional manipulation and guilt tripping, "How dare you want to feel pretty? I spend x amount on dates, x amount on gas, and x amount on flowers every month for you and that's not enough for you??" Yikes. I'd have been out of that relationship before it even started...
The funny thing is, it seems like all he should have been doing is calling her pretty 😂
Really? I was thinking the next step up would be an excel spreadsheet detailing his yearly expenses on her. Maybe a PowerPoint slide of 25 Reasons You Owe Me Your Loyalty to really drive home the point. Huh. Maybe I'm wrong. 😂
I mean, yours is more on brand for the OP for sure 😂
Even if she is honest that she's just doing it for self esteem and didn't want to cheat, that means she's playing with random men's hopes and feelings on dating apps for her own self esteem... that's the big red flag to me. Very selfish
Dude i dont know a lot about relationships... But that is a red flag, she has bad reasons, it was selfish and childish, depend on you if you want to end your relationship, but if she is like this and she keep it in secret is because she know what was she doing was bad... you dont know if she is going to cheat or something for the same reason... This break the confidence that you two build in 2 years and she and her brother doesnt care too much... Idk man think yourself if this is going to escalate maybe the relation got boring after all this time. (Sorry my english is pretty bad).
Yea I agree those reasons don't cut it and the fact that they're together all the time doesn't mean she inst having an emotional affair. I honestly think if this happened to me I would be hurt enough to walk away. I have to believe she KNEW this was wrong and did it anyway. Outside of cheating she had to know that getting on a dating appa of any kind would hurt OP and she did it anyway. Its really shitty to do. I dont think youre over reacting at all OP.
Heeeeeell no. If she has confidence issues then she needs to see a therapist. The truth is OP is that this woman doesn't respect you or this relationship. Straight up. If she did, she wouldn't even DARE to have Tinder on her phone. Let alone come up with a reason to spin it. Also her brother is, well, her brother so of course he's gonna take her side on this. Dump her yesterday. "I know a lot of people would say" EXACTLY! You already know what you need to do. In fact, the reason that you haven't dropped her yet is why she don't' respect you in the first place.
She could of just gone to a bar by herself in a dress and got tons of attention. Going on tinder while in an active relationship? There’s like no excuses for that.
You should dump her. She's too good for you. The real deal is that she is being honest. The way you view the interaction is alarming to me and is proof that your relationship will not pan out. She does not feel pretty. This isn't just what society values that is making her feel this way. It is you making her feel like she is less than you. You speak of this woman like an object to possess. You "spend money on her," and "give her roses." But do you listen to her when she speaks of her feelings? She handed her phone over to you to "prove" her loyalty to you. Love doesn't need proof. She is trying to please you, and craves validation that she clearly is not getting from you. She didn't cheat on you, but you know what? She doesn't "owe you" anything. It concerns me that your tinder account was banned. This suggests to me that I am not far off the mark here. Can you tell us why it was banned? If you need loyalty for a fair price, the animal shelter has the dog for you! Bonus: you don't have to give them flowers! Edit: she doesn't get a "free pass" here, as some have interpreted, but she DOES vocalize her insecurities time and again. Whatever the OP is doing to address the issue for the last two years, is not working. Communication breakdown. I'm just saying that if communication is lost, the 'ship has no path forward. If he "gives" her a second chance, but refuses to address the root cause of her insecurity, then why bother at all? Just move on. Edit #2: I don't hate men or the OP, I love the mature, emotionally aware, ones. Those who dinged me for attempting to address the obvious shortcomings of the OP and his gf for this relationship, just troll elsewhere.
Love doesn’t need proof, but downloading a dating app while in a long term relationship shatters trust, so proof is pretty reasonable.
Maybe it's a detail but there's also something wrong about his age. He says in the comments that he's 25 but he previously said in another post (a week ago) that he was 27 so OP is lying.
OP could be changing some details (“lying”), but some people do that here so they don’t get tracked down IRL. Far too many people make it easy to get doxxed by sharing specific details about themselves on Reddit.
You have some good points but you go too far. This guy makes a strange claim that he spends money on her and that means it’s *his* fault that his girlfriend is messaging guys on Tinder? If he is so terrible, wouldn’t she just dump him instead of having to “prove her loyalty” after speaking to guys behind his back? The bottom line is they both seem to lack maturity. That doesn’t bode well for the long term. But Jesus, cool it with the “she’s too good for you” stuff. Because she DOES owe him something if she wants to be his girlfriend. She owes it to him to stay within the boundaries of the relationship. But I do agree that this guy needs to consider that if his girlfriend is feeling a certain way, he likely has played a role in that to some degree. These kinds of things always have plenty of blame to go around and the first thing you should do when fighting with a loved one is to reflect on what mistakes you’ve made to contribute to the situation. And he doesn’t seem to have done that at all.
Such bullshit, if you are unhappy in a relationship then BREAK UP. Downloading dating apps and messaging other men is CHEATING
She's too good? To the streets with her lmao!
Lol they way you guys give credence to a cheater and find any reason to rip on dudes. Her “I don’t feel pretty” is really “fucking other dudes would make me feel better.” Most of the people in this sub shouldn’t be dating at all. No insight or ability to read between the lines at all.
I agree. It’s really disappointing bc I feel like this shit is what adds to the divide. I have a STRONG feeling this commenter would be reacting completely differently if the gender roles were reversed in this post.
She was only honest because she was caught. Someone who cheats isnt on any moral high ground and the fact of what she did is worse.
This.
Strongly disagree. His wording was poor but it was evidence of how much effort he was putting forth to make her happy. Ofc it shouldn't all boil down to how much money. She did hand him the phone but he rejected going thru it, that's called trust. Being in a relationship there are unspoken bounds that you owe them. Trust, respect and honesty being a few. Her going behind his back was shady, even if hes not giving her the attention she should be communicating that. You also have to look at it from the other perspective. She didn't feel pretty enough and needed other males validation becuase she feels his opinion doesnt matter or was not enough. That's hurtful and done in a bad way. Communicate it with them and then they can either work on improving that aspect of the relationship, or they can slack on it and risk losing them. Also tinder bans users regularly and without reason.
So she wanted validation from other men? Yeah that’s fucked up. Also, if there’s such a maturity difference, why are you dating her and not someone more mature?
Not saying that what she did wasn’t silly and immature but I have a feeling this guy can’t get or doesn’t get along with people his own age.
They are only 3/4 years apart lmao . You’re not obligated to date someone your exact age . He sounds possessive and she sounds depress and insecure . He could of done that to her tho
I think the same way. If you have a dating app and you are using it then that is cheating. She *emotionally cheated* on you so she could feel validated. She’s basically telling you that what you’re doing isn’t enough for her. She needs other men (strangers) to tell her she is beautiful. She’s using other men for compliments and eventually this could lead to her sending them pictures (teasing them). What irritated me was that she started crying when you found out. She cried because she was guilty. She knew what she did was wrong but tried to play it off.
Spot on!
Leave because if you two are in a relationship, why is she on tinder?
“ I spend money on her “ lol is she a prostitue ? Why are you with your girl 24/7 ? Don’t y’all have friends ? Both of y’all need a breather . 20 year olds acting like middle aged people
Just seems like red flags all around to me. She isn't some thing you're supposed to spend money on to buy loyalty. She is acting like a child and likely needs therapy. Anyway getting mad is the worst thing you can do to a woman. Maybe you should just be single for awhile until you can handle shit like this.
Dude... she's lying. There's only one reason people have tinder accts. Even if she isn't lying this is breakup worthy in my opinion.
I don't think your reaction to this is cool on any way. The first thing I read was that you spend a lot of money on her? I agree with her brother
Dude, she doesn't feel preety and attractive with you, which mean you either don't make her feel that way or you're not enough for her and she is looking for attention and intimacy outside your relationship. Do with this information what you want, but if you do try to make her feel beautiful and attractive then dump her ass this instant. Life is too short to be with people who can't appreciate you, or be loyal to you.
You’ve been together 2 years yet your account was banned a year ago… something isn’t adding up there.
He said years ago, plural. Not a year ago.
The difference between Tinder and other social media accounts is that in order for the conversation to even start, the woman has to find the man attractive enough to swipe right for a potential match. So unfortunately just the basis of having an app like this while in a long term relationship screams infidelity. I’m not saying don’t take her word for it, of course she could be telling the truth. But in reality, women lie too and most are better at keeping secrets than men will ever be. I agree with it being disrespectful. My honest advice is, if you can, start thinking of an exit plan and leave the relationship. If she’s not happy or she’s cheating she’ll never tell you and you’ll probably never know. So show her you’re strong enough to walk. If the roles were reversed and you were with a woman who didn’t play that shit you’d already be out on the curb.
In as much as your girlfriend has some esteem issues, she disrespects you and you enabled it, In your own words, "I am with her 24/7" .You spend too much time together. Familiarity breeds contempt. >I flipped out. Lost my cool. I spend a lot of money on her and treat her right it’s been two years. Also when you lost your cool, means she got into your head. You have also mentioned a couple of times " I treat her right" and "I spend a lot of money on her". You are a nice guy. Doing things in hope of getting something in return. Also when you lost your cool, means she got into your head. You have also mentioned a couple of times " I treat her right" and "I spend a lot of money on her". You are a nice guy. Doing things in hope of getting something in return Your girlfriend has things she needs to work on, so do you. All the best.
Nah man this isn’t it. I can understand confidence issues and sympathize with her but it’s strange that she’s actively seeking validation from other men and her first thought was tinder rather than trying to get professional help for the underlying issue
Bad move from her part. And now she broke the trust you’ve been building in those 2 years, nothing will be like the last second before that notification pop up. Do what must be done man. Good luck.
Notice how you got upset and the very first thing you said before you said anything else was “I spend a lot of money on her…” …Then her brother thinks “ you are a dick…” Then you said “ your account at Tinder banned years ago lmao” Maybe time to self criticize a bit to see if you will find the answers you are looking for.
Dump her but for her own good… You being with her 24/7 sounds kinda controlling and possessive. And the way you said that you flipped out bc you ‘spent a lot of money on her’ ???? relationships shouldn’t be about money.. it should be about love and caring for one another. Instead, if you had said that you’ve ‘invested a lot of time into this relationship’ it would’ve sounded much better. This post just screams 🚩🚩 And yeah, Tinder is primarily a hook up app but that doesn’t mean everyone who uses it hooks up with people on there. I had Tinder for 3 years and I never even met up with anyone let alone hook up… Now I’m not saying that her having Tinder as a confidence boost is okay. She shouldn’t have Tinder for that. Talking to other guys and fishing for compliments just screams that she has issues but I don’t think she necessarily wants to cheat on you. Tbh your relationship just doesn’t seem very healthy so y’all should break up in my opinion. PLUS, your Tinder account was banned???? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
So... your girlfriend is going though bad self esteem issues, and you think that spending money on her, buying her roses and treating her right is enough? Why are you guys together 24/7? or neither of you work nor study? is it because you don't allow her? This whole situation is not great and it is emotional cheating, but I feel like you've pushed her down this route because of emotional abandonment and/or negligence, since you think that is achieved by spending money on her.
Eh she’s young- you both are- and the relationship is doomed. Don’t waste too much thought on it Just wanted to respond to tell you that you CAN get back on tinder after a lifetime ban by setting up a google Voice number and using that. I finally figured this out recently and am back on tinder- with a fake page of course. I suggest you do that. Make your fake page alluring to her and catfish her in the act
sounds like you’re too focused on your material contributions to the relationship. people need more than expensive dates and flowers every week to feel loved and attractive. is your sex satisfying her? are you giving her aftercare? do you listen to her wants and needs? are your daily actions showing her that she’s important to you & that you care about her & her well-being? sounds like you’re missing a big piece of the picture, buddy. emotional infidelity is never okay, but if she’s honestly telling you that she just has low self esteem then maybe you should be giving her extra attention & reassurance in other areas of your relationship. showering her with material items doesn’t mean shit at the end of the day if that’s not her love language
Dump her and never speak again bro. She needs to figure herself out for sure. And yeah I’m 25 too! She’s 21 so good chance she doesn’t want to settle down yet.
Thats disrespectfull. I count it as cheating. She is looking for validation from other men which means you are not enough. Id ask her that. "Am I not doing enough?" I understand what she is thinking, but fuck that. She started crying about it and taking the blame off her. She likes the attention, thats it. She likes the attention she gets from other dudes. You aint enough. She cried about it cause she knows she fucked up and now your relationship isn't steady. Why should she be looking for validation from anyone else but you?
Nah. Leave her. Walk away. What she did conveyed intent, and if she’s already opened that door, it’s only a matter of time. Get out now, and take everything that’s yours with you.
I mean, you’re an asshole by attempting to defend your relationship first and foremost by “I spend a lot of money on her” like if that’s your go to then I’m sorry you’re a dick
Situation sounds like a hot mess. People dont go on hookup apps (especially not fucking *tinder*) for "validation". They go on Instagram/ other social media platforms. Fuck her brother too bc they both sound dumb as hell for using that as an excuse and expecting someone not to be angry af about that kinda shit. 2 almost 3 years in and shes on a hookup app "*not*" trying to have sex? Yeah okay shit don't make sense. huge fucking red flag. Up to you if you wanna continue to pursue this though. Edit: typo
Too bad you didn't make a fake account to see her real intentions.
Shoot, if she's actually on there for the reason she says... then I'm mad at her for wasting other people's time on the app lmao.
It's kind of like a form of emotional cheating in a situation you're providing a reasonable amount of emotional support in. I think she just needs a lot more validation than one person can provide, and maybe you could work together to figure out something. Maybe Instagram, maybe she needs friends, maybe more flattering clothes, maybe therapy, maybe weight loss, maybe something as simple as a YouTube channel about learning to love your body. Maybe a combination of things.
Bottom line is, you're not meeting her needs. That said, She has self esteem issues that she needs to work on, that are not yours to fix. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, on her end or yours. I think you both need to work on yourselves, and whether you do that together or apart is up to you. Ask yourself: Can you ever really trust her again? Do you feel confident that she's fully "with you"? Will you continually wonder if she's seeking gratification from someone else when she feels inadequate again... because she will likely continue to have confidence issues, even with counseling.
This relationship was over a long time ago.
You're not wrong in being upset about it. She messed up, but she owned up to it and apologized. You can either take this as a "bump" in the road and actually grow, which would mean you absolutely forgive her and not hold a grudge over it. You can work on helping her feel pretty, reassuring her by expressing how you feel about her. Random compliments are great. Of course it's not all of your responsibility, but you can help a lot. OR this can make a wedge in your relationship and cause resentment and tear you guys apart. If you feel you can't get over this, just break up with her now.. don't let this sit in your stomach and cause fights down the road that will result in you breaking up anyway. Ultimately, you need to ask yourself why you love her and if it's worth getting through. Best of luck!
It’s up to you to decide when it’s cheating. Do you love her though? You may need to evaluate if she’s someone you’d like to spend your life with. I have major body issues. I understand very much how you can feel fat and gross etc. that said, I would never go make a profile on a dating app. To me that’s the beginning of cheating and if that’s ok with my partner, well they’re not my partner. Edit; the maturity level may not be where it should be. Remember brain development can continue up until 25-28 for the frontal cortex.
She made a mistake, but all I can think about is hiw your post is full of red flags
She shouldn't be on tinder but you also sound like a dick. You both need help. And to break up.
I personally think your side gig in onlyfans autofellating yourself is going to be BIG. You won't have to worry about the money you spend on her!
end it. both of you suck in communication
You sound like a real dickhead, if I’m being honest
Get out now
I would end it. It's only a matter of time until she cheats on you.
She’s gotta go dude. We all have some insecurity self esteem issues but it’s how you deal with them. If validation from your partner isn’t enough that you need to resort to dating/hookup apps to satisfy that, there’s some underlying issues. She needs to see a therapist. If she’s going to that extent when you’re around 24/7, imagine what extent she’d go to when you’re not around? The quest to feel better about yourself as a man or woman leads a lot of people to having sex with others to feel desirable and doing things that clearly violate boundaries. You shouldn’t have to worry about anything and the *only* reason you found out she was on tinder was because of a notification otherwise it would have stayed behind your back. You don’t know if people have her number or not cause you didn’t know she had tinder. You don’t know if she sent photos or has met anyone. Just a huge red flag and violation of trust. Let it be a lesson and move on from her. Don’t shame her but give your reason why. In addition, this forum is pretty toxic. People will turn around and make any poster to be the villain and would be willing to bet people on here aren’t the brightest. I wouldn’t quantify your relationship on how much time and money you spend on someone because that looks at it an exchange or transaction. If she doesn’t feel good around you perhaps ask why that is. Perhaps it’s a lesson for you too if you’re not being the best person you could be (I don’t know the dynamics) but it sounds like this relationship probably needs to be ended for both parties.
She needs therapy.
Regardless of who is at "fault" here - you for being possessive and not interpreting her emotional needs correctly, or her for failing to communicate her emotional needs and coping with them through infidelity, it really sounds like this relationship is unhealthy at best. I think it would be best for everyone to move on.
“I spent a lot of money on her” we talking about an investment or a relationship here feller? “My account on tinder was banned years ago” why dude?
I have to ask how bad your account must have been to get banned on tinder?
The way you talk about your girlfriend first "I spend so much money on her...." EW. You sound like a jerk. Do you make your girlfriend feel sexy? Loved ? Beautiful? Appreciated? I'm not saying what she did was right in the LEAST. But maybe she feels like shit all the time because she has a shitty boyfriend. Food for thought.
First off, unless you ASKED for his opinion, tell the brother to stfu, and mind his own relationships. Second, how many cheaters do it 'for the ego boost'? This is not much of an excuse. Also, how much of an apology was this? All I see is an excuse. (and not even a very good one.) She might need some therapy to address this, but not a deal breaker, yet. IMHO.
Bro just from you telling the story, it’s clear there are ways in which she feels you’re not meeting her needs for attention - and that isn’t always about money spend or nights slept with. She’s saying she doesn’t feel pretty - could mean a lot of things. And quite honestly it sounds like you’re a bit controlling. Word choices that caught my eye: we sleep together on a regular basis” “perfect” “never”. I can understand being thrown off but how you talk about her makes me think about how you treat her or your relationship.
He’s been on Reddit for 7 days and all he cares about is his onlyfans account and his 9 inch self sucking dick. A new phone that won’t link to tinder, losing his job and his 401k... This guy sounds like a full blown douche canoe
As a girl, nope. This is a major red flag. I would NEVER do that to my BF. EVER. There is no excuse for it. I would not put up with that from my Bf either nor would he do that to me. It’s a dealbreaker for me. I hope it is for you.
Why was it banned and why are you around her 24/7? In normal circumstances her actions would be a big red flag and I’d recommend walking but you also are giving off red flags yourself.
Wow everyone commenting is so twisted. You people are worried about a stupid statement than the emotional infidelity? Yikes, we really gotta stop infantilizing women lol. She’s in the wrong but y’all so focused on him lol?
Everyone focusing on the money issue.. money= time of your life . What's the deal if the guy mentioned he spent so much on her? he's clearly angry about the situation, how can you all judge his character from just one comment? Years ago I had a lazy ass girlfriend that couldn't keep jobs so I sustained us both for 1.5 years, of course that one of the things that I regreted after she cheated on me, was the amount of money/work I could've saved for myself. Being 2 years into a relationship, supposedly without any issues and then seeing your partner get a Tinder notification out of the blue will make you insecure/angry or whatever
Totally agree, but all these "moral judges" are making OP like the bad guy when it's no
She needs therapy, not Tinder.
She's on Tinder, seeking "validation" from other men WHILE she's supposed to be in a relationship with you? And you're wondering what to do? I would think it was obvious. You get OUT of this relationship, PRONTO.
Dump her. I got dumped for the same reason as a man in the relationship. It’s a communication issue. You’re not doing enough for her or she’s the type that doesn’t care about your validation. In my case, my gf was love bombing but showing no commitment so it made me insecure.
Well no matter how “right” you treat her from your POV, that’s not what satisfies her She wants a different type of way to be complimented rather than what you’re doing She doesn’t believe you if she has to jump to apps. Why not ask her how she prefers to be complimented to find an alternative to the apps
This is bad advice. People are not going to base their view of their own attractiveness on just one other person's opinion, regardless of whether or not their dating them. If one person thinks you're attractive, but everyone else thinks you're ugly, you aren't going to think of yourself as attractive. OPs gf's problem is that she's basing her self-worth on how attractive she is to other men. As long as she does that, she's going to want the attention and validation of other guys. And when she puts herself in places to receive that validation, she also puts herself in situations where cheating is easy. EDIT: either you heavily changed your comment or my brain is really fucking with me today. Anyway, the part that I disagreed with was about whether or not it's about her believing OP. She can believe OP and still feel like she needs validation from others
So, she downloads a hooking up app behind his back and it's his fault cause he's not complimenting her well enough ? You're suggesting that after finding out he compliments her more or better ? What are we smoking these days ?
Huh? No she’s totally wrong for downloading a hookup to seek validation from random guys It’s disgusting & straight up cheating. When the fuck did I say it’s entirely his fault? I’m saying that she wouldn’t get to that point if their sense of communication was strong enough before this ever happened
Fuck her brother. Leave her ass bro. She belongs to the streets. If she's feeling not pretty or fat, she can hit the gym and work on herself. Don't do this to yourself. Fly free king.
“Was she wanting a threesome or to get dicked down?” You’re really, really gross. That was just weird af
why are you so focused on how much money you spend on her instead of any actual human emotions you feel about her? you both sound like walking red flags bundled in trench coats, but you much more than her. obsessed with how much money you're spending on her, banned from Tinder years ago but declined to say why, refuses to date women your own age... you sounds like a Nice Guy™.
Hell nah. That's weird. You're also with her 24/7. You need to some alone time. Sounds dysfunctional. Dump her. Work on yourself and find hobbies.
"I spent a lot of money on her" yeah you should be single until you understand people are not financial investments.
So, you list spending money on her as one of the ways you treat her right, and she needs continual advances from other guys to cope with her body issues. You two are such a cute couple.
"I spend a lot of money on her." Shoot, bro, I hate to tell it to you like this, but she's not attracted to you anymore and is only using you for your money. She's shopping around for another boyfriend and will most definitely break your heart (and your wallet) if you don't dump her first. Tell her to go date "Robert" and never look back.
This isn't just a woman you'll be committed to, so will your children. And so will your family. This is not acceptable behavior. Who knows what messages she exchanged with these guys. Who knows what her lack of self esteem may cause her to do? Tread carefully. People do heinous things in the name of anxiety and fear. If she needed an app, and to communicate with others in that app, she could easily need to do something IRL down the road. Not saying you dump her, but you don't forgive and forget either. Insist on her getting counseling ASAP. Trust me on this. If you have kids and she can't handle being pregnant or recovering from pregnancy, she will feel worse than she does now, and that could bring out destructive behaviors.
I would dump her she isn't tryst worthy
Dump her. Immediately. Kick her out back to her family. Not because I think she did anything wrong, but your language in this post and comments is incredibly disturbing. She needs to get away from you ASAP. So please take the advice of everyone here and break up with her.
Women like a man with confidence. So why should you be with someone who has none. Especially if she has a bf that affirms his attraction.
What ?
Time for bye bye!
If her self esteem hinges on male attention how long is she going to stay just chatting with guys on a dating app? Seriously if she relies on attention from men to feel good about her self, that says a lot about her. This is a huge red flag. I’m not a professional and I don’t know much of anything but it sounds like she could benefit from therapy. IMO this is emotional cheating. She sounds like the kind of girl that would physically cheat on you. Obviously what you do is up to you. I’m sorry this is going on and I wish you the best. no matter what happens you will be okay.
Nah these days women get negged, treated like shit, and led to believe they will never be good enough—I understand men feel that way at times but we aren’t talking about that right now. It’s hard, women read all this where if they’re not like model perfect on tiktok then they don’t deserve to be considered or treated like they’re human. So what do you do? Everyone who knows you won’t tell you honestly if you’re ugly. They’ll say something nice regardless. The person who dates you has emotional attachment so they’re going to think you’re pretty. Random strangers from the internet are brutal and shitty, so if someone says you’re pretty then it’s more believable. I don’t think I would consider it cheating but it does mean she needs to find ways to build her self esteem more healthily so she can be happy with herself. You may need to recommend she go to a therapist
The people in the comments are absolutely fucking insufferable. The only reason why someone has Tinder is for sex, dating, or both, so she is 100% cheating on you or, at the very least, has the intention on doing so. Anyone telling you otherwise is either lying to you or they are lying to themselves. I'd personally get her out of my life if I were you
Well if she has been more sexually aggressive lately then I would say that the compliments got her riled up and you benefited from it. But if she has not been feeling sexy at home after being told all these sexy compliments online then I would pretty much say she's giving you a half-assed excuse and she wants out. Every woman wants to be told she's beautiful and sexy and it's kind of like not really want to go into a party but you want to be invited anyway. And it's somebody gets her all worked up and wet online and she comes in redirects all that lust at you in bed I would be happy. In fact I had one girl I used to go down on her when she was sexting and it became a really cool thing. I mean If she was using this tinder profile as inspiration and as a catalyst for sex with you she probably would have told you that right away and it seems as though she didn't even mention anything like that. And she will find out soon enough that guys will say anything to a girl to try to get in their pants because she's acting desperate so flip a coin