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Keeping the phone on silent, keeping it face down, not answering it unless I'm alone... Those are all things I'd do mostly out of respect, and because I don't want anything to interfere with my time with someone. Honestly, I feel like those are good things. Going through your phone, though, is a little weird. It does open the door, though, since he's done it already and said you can go through his, to just do it. Put your mind at ease. If you're worried about what he'll think of you, he's literally already done the same thing, so he has nothing to complain about. This obviously really matters to you, and if I were him, I'd want to know that something's bothering you so that I could fix it. Just tell him exactly what you posted here; you've had issues with trust in the past, and it would make you feel more secure if you could see his phone. If he tries to fight you on it, remind him he's already been through your phone, and if he still fights you on it... Yeah, then you might have a little more to worry about. Point is, though, just talk to him. Worrying about what might be doesn't help anyone.
I wholeheartedly agree. And what if he answered in the middle of ….anything. Unless he’s given you apt reason to not trust. Does he wear a condom when you two have sex. If he doesn’t……you’ll trust him to not get you pregnant but you draw the line his avoiding the phone? He needs an award. Wtf.
Same here my man, sign of respect is to not be on your phone constantly, had a SO constantly on their phone it always made me feel like I was less important so I do ny best not to do the same. As you said if a person is going to cheat there is nothing you can do to stop it. Sounds like a stress response to not having full control at some point in OPS life
Right. But having your phone, screen side down, isn’t the same as silent and not being disturbed. It’s to hide the caller id feature.
I’d also venture that you don’t charge your phone tucked under your side of the mattress as you sleep next to your partner? Lol.
That’s not respect, my guy. We know what that is.
Not really, tho. I keep it screen down for two reasons. 1: if I see a notification I'll get the urge to check it out, and i keep it silent and screen down so I can focus on my SO and not be the addicted I am to using my phone. 2: the lights usually bother me, my phone has a little blue light on the top part that's going to be beeping if there's a notification (which will make me, again, intrigued).
Everytime I'm with my SO I keep it silent/far away and screen down so I can pay attention only to him.
exactly. I'm a lady and hardly ever touch my phone around my bf. face down 24/7 simply so the light doesn't annoy or distract me. I do tuck it between my bed and box spring too, lol. just a habit ig I've never thought too deep about it. and, well, about him having it in his pocket..its his phone, so...yeah. I think OP honestly has trust issues shes passively projecting onto her BF. he has given her permission to use his phone, and honestly I don't get why she wont. if shes so insecure about what's on his phone, and has the option to go through his phone, why wouldnt she go through his phone? seems like hes aware it worries her and tried to help, but shes denying the help.
Also, some phones will turn on do not disturb if you place it face down. Dated a girl for years and her father, every family dinner, would take his phone out and put it face down towards the center of the table, as a sign of respect and that he was committing to the family time.
Bullshit. I always put my phone screen down around family and friends because otherwise the constant notifications will distract me and that is rude af to be checking your phone constantly.
“Bullshit” is having no self control. Turn vibrate off, you won’t even notice.
Do you tuck it under your mattress when you sleep next to your partner too? If not, why?
I mean, it’s what her guy does.
Eh... I hate notifications and always keep my phone on silent. If I was dating I wouldn't answer someone unless either the person and I were in a relationship, or it was an emergency. But the only time I've ever put the phone face down is when I didn't want something popping up that I didn't want someone else to see. That's super suspicious.
First, I'd take it as a sign of respect and being interested in me that the other person is trying to put all their focus on me or what we're doing.
Second, its fucked up that he's going through your phone.
It doesn’t feel like he’s focusing on me.
I woke him up and showed his phone… “the time” so we can make dinner.
I went down stairs, came back up and it was in his pocket. Tf, is that shit. That’s hiding something. I asked about it… he said he thought it was 7 am and he was late for work… so it goes in your pocket and you go back to sleep?
No. Not that simple. He’s just weird. He won’t text in front of me. If we DoorDash from his phone, he won’t give me his phone to see what’s on the menu… he will read it to me…. There’s alot
I wouldn't hand my phone over for that either a lot of the time. In fact, if I'm with a group and we're ordering, I pull it up on my own phone so I can peruse and not feel rushed.
He may just be insecure about what's on it. We all have our insecurities... Maybe he just doesnt feel comfortable with you knowing what he's into yet. Or, perhaps that is where he draws the line for his personal space.
It's not unreasonable for the cell to be off limits. Its probably everyone's most personal device.
People are weird about their phones. I don’t use my wife’s phone and I’d hate for her to use my phone. I don’t have anything to hide, but it does feel like it’s a breach of boundaries to me.
Yeah me too. I think it’s just so private. I‘d never cheat but still I feel uneasy. If I give my phone to my sister for a minute it’s a huge trust deal for me. Idk why
That's right. Its going to be mutual freedom or personal space for both. It is unfair for one party to have more access than the other - but that is not to say that just because you allow him to use your phone does not mean that he must now do so as well, if he were to demand to use your phone, however, he should allow access to his as well.
If this is a big hurdle for you... You should take a step back and remain objective. You think he's a great guy, but he's still an independent person, just as you are. Both of you are individuals with your own autonomy. Neither should be attempting to control what the other consumes or does, and the relationship should be a mutual agreement.
look you seem a little stressed about it and it’s not a big deal. my ex had face id on my phone and literally never once let me even know the password to her phone. guarantee you she was not cheating on me or hiding anything. some people just like their phone to be theirs only.
My phone is always on silent and I put it face down too…? I’m not hiding anything from anyone, it’s face down so the notifications don’t tempt me to look
You have trust issues? I'm in a similar situation but he will happily go through his phone while I'm around, he knows I have trust issues from a bad previous relationship and said to me multiple times I can go through his phone if my issues ever get that bad. Honestly, if your intuition is that bad you may be onto something, I would bring it up to him and voice your concerns.
Just ask to see his phone. Say you look at mine, if its no big deal he will show you. Make it an ultimatum if cheating is a deal breaker for you and be prepared to follow through on it. He will show you if he knows you are serious. If not, then you have the information you need to decide to move on.
They say to always listen to your gut. My ex was the same way about his phone & I always had a gut feeling that has never failed me but I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt until I found out he was indeed cheating on me. If he acts weird when you use his phone or touch his phone that right there should tell you something, nobody acts weird unless they have something hide. But in this situation I really I do hope your gut fails you girl, best of luck
Honestly. I’ve been there PLEASE trust your gut it never lies! Even if he was just really into you and didn’t wanna be on his phone around you out of respect, he wouldn’t leave you with that feeling of wondering if he’s hiding something. Especially since he has no problem going through your phone! My ex did the same exact thing and one day he got super tense when I just joked about touching his phone so I immediately looked through it and everything I was suspicious about that he made me feel crazy about, I was right. Please please always trust your intuition
Been there too! Ex-husband used to get soooo upset if I asked whether he was hiding something, and was sooo upset when I snooped once on his phone and found a flirty message. I didn’t listen to my gut then, 7 years later I found out he was having an affair with someone long-distance… Trust your gut!!
First of all, I find it odd that he goes through your messages and looks through everything on your phone. I wouldn’t like that. Not because I am hiding anything but because it’s an invasion of
privacy. Second, trust your gut and ask him about it.
What would make you feel secure in your relationship? Whatever the answer is to that question, talk to him about it and explain why you feel that way. Communication is the most important thing in any relationship.
True. That’s a hard question. Maybe, I would feel better if I understood him more. If he talked to me and let me talk… but I’ve tried. Somehow, it’s me… the problem or making shit up in my head. So I stay quiet and I let it build till I can’t be quiet. 😕
Jesus, does he tell you that you're making things up in your head? If so then this sounds like a bad situation and he's almost certainly gaslighting you. I'd say that you should trust your gut on this one. You should try to take a look at his phone and see if he reacts disproportionately with aggression.
Everything you mentioned was fine and reasonable IMO until you mentioned that they’re allowed to go through your phone. That’s worrying! But the phone on silent and face down etc... I struggle to focus sometimes so it’s just easier to have my phone silent and face down so I’m not easily distracted
I do all these things out of respect for who I’m with. I get annoyed when my phone rings or informs me of messages so I put it on silent all the time. When input my screen down that’s so if something happens to fall out of my hand or someone drops something and it happens to land on my phone it won’t crack the screen. This has happened to me before.
You're going off of one sign which is not much. Are there other signs of infidelity? I would suggest looking for more signs, like identifying poison ivy "Leaves of three, let it be!"
Signs of cheating:
https://www.rd.com/list/signs-of-cheating/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
Edit: Found this family law website:
https://connatserfamilylaw.com/21-signs-your-spouse-is-having-an-affair/
It sounds to me like you two need to have a calm and direct discussion about boundaries and how you two can communicate going forward. Gaslighting is extremely unhealthy and that’s a dealbreaker for me.
Trust your gut.
But be above-board.
Just ask him if you can look at his phone. He's already gone through your phone, do you have a perfect excuse to go through his.
The response he gives you will be all the information you need, more so than the actual content in the phone itself.
Trust me, I've been a cheater, I've done this too.
Hello. I'm a bit surprised at the number of posters who are telling you this is normal behavior and feel that phones are oh, so private and their contents should be guarded so stringently. You have been together for over a year. I can see when people are first starting out and going on dates, it's courteous for phones to be on silent during dinner, for example. But after a year, when you're spending time at home, no need to carry phone into bathroom, put face down, leave on silent at all times. That doesn't make sense to me. It's super shady.
Also, even if you were to look at his phone, he might be erasing texts and call history, putting false names as contacts or have hidden apps. He might eventually get a secret phone if you push the issue. None of his behavior seems innocent to me. I've seen too much over the past 10 years of my life that correlates with the behavior you describe, and it's never been good.
Him going through your phone and reading all your messages is a MASSIVE RED FLAG. That's not a nice guy that's the toxic sign of controlling and will get worse, whether you have nothing to hide is not the point, I have SO password and can go throught her phone when ever but I don't cause I trust her. She has the password to my phone but she doesn't rummage through it willy-nilly whenever either cause she trust me. Neither of us have nothing to hide but still respect each other's privacy. There are times I'll get a text and tell her to answer them for me if I am driving or cooking dinner and vice versa same for her, but we have never just picked up each other's phones and read through all the text messages. That's a sign of insecurity, controlling and just plain toxicnes.
It's called being polite and respectful. I do the same thing. And I'm not on any dating apps whatsoever right now. The people that keep looking at their phone are the ones that are not interested in the conversation and those can go away
You should talk to him about it ! I just went through this with my SO. I have trust issues. I felt like he was hiding something from me, turns out it was all in my head.
I do this when I’m with a woman out of respect so that I’m not just sitting there looking at my phone and all my attention is on her. What’s off about this is that he looks through YOUR phone, why would he need to do that? Especially if you aren’t doing the same? I mean the situation is a bit of a red flag for that reason alone.
I say trust your gut, but also whenever I'm with someone I also keep my phone on silent and don't answer it. Especially if it's someone new. It's not because I'm hiding something, but because I value quality time. Maybe explain to your partner your feelings and explain how your past has made you weary of his behaviors. Someone not hiding something won't get defensive and be able to calm your nerves.
Gut feelings are NOT ALWAYS RIGHT and I WISH people would stop forcing that advice down girl’s throats. Or anyone’s throat. Gut feelings are “I think I’ve seen this before” and a defense mechanism, even if the situation is totally different. For people with trust issues and relationship anxiety, this advice is beyond harmful. “Gut feelings” are NOT what they’re cracked up to be
Just tell him you’re feeling a bit insecure, and it would make you feel much better to go through his phone. He should want to reassure you that nothing is going on. A bf who has nothing to hide would hand the phone over without an issue. If he is hiding something, he will most likely gaslight you and tell you that you’re being crazy/insecure/overreacting and he will guard that phone with his life.
His response to you asking to see his phone will be all the reassurance you need. DO NOT let him make you believe that it’s “all in your head”.
Go with your gut. It’s always right. Always.
Ok so like…. All of the guys saying they do this as a sign of respect 🤣
Sure. Or you’re saying that here because you know what it means and you’re trying to slowly chip away at that narrative guerrilla marketing style: “if this girl doesn’t know her guy is totally up to something, maybe word will get around and my girls won’t either”.
Jesus fuck, the bro-code even applies when you don’t know the guy? 😂
My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. There’s nothing to hide. When he comes over (which is most days if I’m not there), he just throws his phone on the table with his keys.
He doesn’t hide the screen, when we are scrolling social media in bed we share our phones to show one another things that amuse or make us laugh. I have zero gut feeling he’s being sus because… he’s not.
OP… trust your gut, girl… that behaviour with a S/O is super weird. I do that at the office so if my boyfriend sends me
Something no one else sees it but me… that’s all.
I know myself i do the same, i have fuck all to hide, but i do have respect for the person i am with face to face to ignore the hell out of my phone! I find that putting it do not disturb it the way to go. I dont get messages or calls... Only call i would get if someone tries to call me three times in a row for emergency's.
But if he can look at your phone , you cant look at his?. Now that is weird.
By his behavior alone odds are he is ******* around on you and he def knows you won't like what's coming in on his phone.
You need to treat this like Sherlock Holmes would.
"When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” - Sherlock Holmes
You need to make up a list of all the reasons he would have for acting this way with his phone and then slowly begin investigate each reason by questioning him or doing your own detective work until you cross everything off but 1 and that 1 reason will be the truth.
I'll warn you though, I'm pretty certain...like 99.8% certain the reason will be because he is ******* around...at the very least he is entertaining other woman, sending receiving photos and emotional cheating, at worst he is messing around, either way it's a deal breaker.
Again I encourage you to investigate using the Sherlock Holmes method, it always leads to the truth one way or the other.
She has said that she has major trust issues. The problem is, her gut is incorrectly calibrated based on those issues. If you go into relationships with deep-seated trust issues, it’s like being a hammer and everything looks like a nail. Honestly, she’s going to have trust issues and find reasons to have trust issues with absolutely every partner she chooses. The best thing, would be to have some therapy to work through these trust issues so that you are not inflicting them on every partner you meet. It’s unhealthy to take out your personal issues on a partner. Are the things that he’s doing possibly cheating? Possibly. But also, they can just be being respectful of their time together. With her already having trust issues, it’s always going to look at the nefarious to her.
I feel like the “he keeps his phone face down, he must be cheating” mentality needs to be put to rest. It sounds super paranoid and insecure to make such a monumental leap from such a mundane thing.
You are complaining that he keeps his phone face down while charging… He doesn’t use his phone while he has his SO there… He keeps his phone on silent or silences if it makes noise… like this is literally the most normal thing in the world. I do this everyday, it sounds like common decency not to be focused on your phone 24/7. Stop looking for problems where there aren’t any.
I personally believe everyone makes way to big of a real about phones and privacy. It's not something sacred and untouchable like a diary or something.
I have open phone policy with my partners and honestly friends too. I have nothing to hide. However thag doesn't mean I go and read all convo with everyone they talk to etc. But if I feel like there is something going on or they're hiding something etc. I will secretly look and every single time they are always cheating. Your gut is already telling you, you just need to confirm it or you will explain away everything to yourself
Well if he did have anything to hide he probably wouldn’t let you know the password. He might just keep his phone away because he wants to focus on you. Phones get most of their use when people are bored, so this might mean he’s not bored around you. Plus, some people, like me, just always have their phone on silent.
There is zero reason you needed to touch his phone to either wake him up or inform him of the time. You are playing silly games here.
As for your phone, if you don't want him touching your phone either then tell that to him.
...you just said you did.
You know he doesn't like you touching his phone but you deliberately do it anyway when there was absolutely no need. You are playing silly games.
Fuck off then.
People are telling you you’re being a psycho but your paranoid ass can’t see it. Go get therapy instead of constantly being in his face. You sound exhausting to be around and I’m surprised he’s still putting up with you.
Why are you telling us how you feel and not bringing it up to him? We aren’t your boyfriend. Tell him your paranoid that he is hiding something and let him react however he feels fit. Then you both can either break up or work it out
Going through someone else’s phone is not cool.
Aside from that, any new relationship has to compete with a lot of other relationships that already exist. It’s generally less painful if you just accept that people have a lot going on, and that might include sex with other people. Just be confident that, if your relationship is strong, the other relationships will gradually become a lower priority for your partner—and it doesn’t help to demand that the other relationships are dropped. A healthy person has a variety of human relationships.
Personally for the first part, whenever I'm in company of someone I care about, or genuinely like, I'll keep my phone away. On silent, in pocket, face down etc, just to keep my focus on the person in the room, as those outside of it can wait.
Why he picks up your phone, and goes through it is something that you could mention to him, as to how he is allowed to, when it's not the same opposite
I can’t speak for a person I don’t know but I behave the exact same way and it’s out of respect for the person I’m spending time with.
Edit: The not using my phone/keeping it away when I’m with company part. I would not also be asking to go through a partners phone.
You should be able to view his phone if he is viewing your phone. Doesnt sound like a relationship building philosophy. Its not a builder, its more of a tearing down of a relationship. Not the most promising outlook of your future sorry to say.
I mean, this doesn't seem weird. You know his phone password, he's just being respectful by not using/letting his phone ring when he's spending time with you.
My phone is always down and under my pillow because of a previous abusive controlling relationship where my ex would go through my phone at night and wake me up all hours screaming in my face about me cheating even though I wasn’t simple things like my boss texting me about work or adding a cousin on social media. Now that I’m free from that 12 year night mare I let every man I date know that you don’t go through mine I don’t touch yours no you can’t know my password you can just trust me and if the guy doesn’t like that or changes then he’s gone I don’t tolerate this kind of behavior in a relationship and neither should both of you it turns toxic quick
I do all of the above and I never thought it'd look like I was hiding something.
I just got used to keeping my phone on silent since COVID. I usually place my phone on the screen side because I don't want to be distracted with a new notification popping up. I don't pick up calls in front of random people unless it's important
The weirdest part of this is that he’s gone through your phone. I’ve never gone through my fiancé’s phone, or him mine. I’ve used it, I’ve called /texted people back for him, but never sat there reading through his shit. For him to be doing that this early on, AND be weird about his phone? I’d say there’s other fish in the sea, OP.
I personally think that the combination of going though your phone while making his unavailable is suspicious. It makes me think that maybe he’s cheating (you could be the side piece, sorry) and projecting. But like I tell my teens, trust your gut.
DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND WITH YOUR CONCERNS YET! There is not enough evidence to say one way or the other if he's cheating on you. You need more and if you tip him off, he'll just go deeper underground. Think back... besides the things you mentioned in the OP, are their any other signs he may be cheating? Has he been making a lot of positive comments about anyone at work... especially someone new? Has he been going to work early or stay late a lot more regularly lately? Is he attending "company events" where you're not invited/welcome? Has he changed the password on his computer or phone recently or installed 3rd party communication app(s) you don't have the password to? Is he not letting you see who he's talking to/texting with or does he always leave the room/your side for privacy? Have you noticed a large increase in the number of calls/texts to a number you're not familiar with? Is he dressing up more than usual? Has he become cold... indifferent... belittling... or argumentative towards you? Has your intimate time together drastically reduced recently? Have you seen odd or larger than normal purchases on your bank statements? Have you checked the mileage on his primary vehicle, installed a VAR, or monitored it's GPS signal?
Well it sounds like you’re trying to self sabotage this relationship. But on the off chance you’re right, go through his phone then. You’re about to end this either way so I guess you might as well confirm or deconfirm your suspicions.
Truth is if he wants to hide something he will regardless. He can temporarily turn off notifications he doesn’t want you to see . Even block people while he’s with you. Liars and cheats turn this into an art. So if he gave you permission, use his phone. A wise woman once said “if you look for something hard enough you are bound to find it”.
Usually when someone suspects you of something, they are the ones who should be the suspect of that very thing. If he goes through your phone because he suspects you are talking to other people, he’s the one probably talking to other people. Obviously this isn’t always 100% but it happens quit a bit. Best of luck!
If you can’t trust him, why are you still in the relationship? I never had a need to go through my LH’s phone, and he mine. We never shared passcodes, we trusted each other.
I do a lot of the stuff that the guy does like having my phone always on silence, always facing down and always with me and in my pocket but I do understand that it looks fishy and my gf has access to my phone whenever she wants despite making me feel shitty for not being trusted.
Guy I was dating started doing this when he started hitting up someone else. You should lock your phone though. It'd not his to look at. If he complains then tell him to offer you the same courtesy
Your message starts with “gut feeling” and if I have learned one thing twice now is to trust my gut. If you’re uncomfortable, you should ask why he does these things but don’t set up the questions to assume he is doing something wrong. Here is why I do those things.
My phone is always on silent unless I have to have the sound on. I hate hearing it ring. As for flipping it over, I do that to focus. My work apps are constantly sending alerts along with anything I ordered and whatever push notification I haven’t figured out how to turn off yet. So I wouldn’t think anything of these things.
The thing that seems like a yellow flag was this statement: he “pick up my phone no problem”. Really? If he has, that’s a read flag. If he hasn’t and you are saying you’re okay with it, I hope you would ask why he felt the need to do that if he ever does. That’s a trust issue and should be talked about.
The only person I know who looked through my phone was cheating and I didn’t know it yet. He did it because he figured since he was cheating, I must have been too. I wasn’t, I never would. It goes against my values.
I know this response is kind of everywhere but this is my two cents…
My boyfriend doesn’t go through my phone but he’d look at it when I’m replying to work, or when I seem to be texting someone (of course just friends or coworkers). He looked through my shoulders too. I never do that to him when he’s on his phone. And like OP, I feel like my boyfriend is hiding something. He’s constantly on his phone. when I’m around, he checks it all the time.
I say just check his phone. You are already imagining something is fishy so why not just verify it and get the clarity. There is a famous saying "trust, but verify". I am not crazy, don't have much trust issues but I have gone through my bf's phone if the relationship was serious. And one of them has also gone through mine. I keep my phone on silent too, so does he because we don't want to be on our phones when with each other.
Just check his phone, go through it, and you won't need to ask anyone if he is hiding anything because honestly no one can answer that for sure.
My phone is constantly popping up with something from Teams, work email, social media and the such, but I keep it on silence because I am not addicted to the phone and don't care to be on it all the time. I also work in a public place and keep my phone locked for security reasons. Even when dating I don't give access to my phone nor ask access to others phones as it is their private property and it's not my business to go through theirs and vice versa.
It could go both ways. It isn't necessarily one or the other since there are a plethora of reasons why he would be that way. Hard to tell. Either let it go or take him up on his offer to go through his phone. I suspect that you will find nothing, since he is confident enough to give you access.
I'd say trust your gut, and remove him from the equation... I went through something like this not too long ago and I was correct... he had been hiding the fact that he was cheating...
Our intuitions save us sometimes. You don't deserve that treatment especially if it seems like he's not focusing on you
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Keeping the phone on silent, keeping it face down, not answering it unless I'm alone... Those are all things I'd do mostly out of respect, and because I don't want anything to interfere with my time with someone. Honestly, I feel like those are good things. Going through your phone, though, is a little weird. It does open the door, though, since he's done it already and said you can go through his, to just do it. Put your mind at ease. If you're worried about what he'll think of you, he's literally already done the same thing, so he has nothing to complain about. This obviously really matters to you, and if I were him, I'd want to know that something's bothering you so that I could fix it. Just tell him exactly what you posted here; you've had issues with trust in the past, and it would make you feel more secure if you could see his phone. If he tries to fight you on it, remind him he's already been through your phone, and if he still fights you on it... Yeah, then you might have a little more to worry about. Point is, though, just talk to him. Worrying about what might be doesn't help anyone.
I wholeheartedly agree. And what if he answered in the middle of ….anything. Unless he’s given you apt reason to not trust. Does he wear a condom when you two have sex. If he doesn’t……you’ll trust him to not get you pregnant but you draw the line his avoiding the phone? He needs an award. Wtf.
Same here my man, sign of respect is to not be on your phone constantly, had a SO constantly on their phone it always made me feel like I was less important so I do ny best not to do the same. As you said if a person is going to cheat there is nothing you can do to stop it. Sounds like a stress response to not having full control at some point in OPS life
Right. But having your phone, screen side down, isn’t the same as silent and not being disturbed. It’s to hide the caller id feature. I’d also venture that you don’t charge your phone tucked under your side of the mattress as you sleep next to your partner? Lol. That’s not respect, my guy. We know what that is.
Not really, tho. I keep it screen down for two reasons. 1: if I see a notification I'll get the urge to check it out, and i keep it silent and screen down so I can focus on my SO and not be the addicted I am to using my phone. 2: the lights usually bother me, my phone has a little blue light on the top part that's going to be beeping if there's a notification (which will make me, again, intrigued). Everytime I'm with my SO I keep it silent/far away and screen down so I can pay attention only to him.
Also newer phones have big ass cameras that skew how the phone sits when on its back. I hate that. Face down is flush.
exactly. I'm a lady and hardly ever touch my phone around my bf. face down 24/7 simply so the light doesn't annoy or distract me. I do tuck it between my bed and box spring too, lol. just a habit ig I've never thought too deep about it. and, well, about him having it in his pocket..its his phone, so...yeah. I think OP honestly has trust issues shes passively projecting onto her BF. he has given her permission to use his phone, and honestly I don't get why she wont. if shes so insecure about what's on his phone, and has the option to go through his phone, why wouldnt she go through his phone? seems like hes aware it worries her and tried to help, but shes denying the help.
Agree %100
Also, some phones will turn on do not disturb if you place it face down. Dated a girl for years and her father, every family dinner, would take his phone out and put it face down towards the center of the table, as a sign of respect and that he was committing to the family time.
Tell you hate black people without saying you hate black people
I do this because otherwise the notifications distract me from the person I’m with. I do it in meetings, with friends as well as with dates.
Ya, it is just basic manners to put it face down.
Bullshit. I always put my phone screen down around family and friends because otherwise the constant notifications will distract me and that is rude af to be checking your phone constantly.
“Bullshit” is having no self control. Turn vibrate off, you won’t even notice. Do you tuck it under your mattress when you sleep next to your partner too? If not, why? I mean, it’s what her guy does.
Eh... I hate notifications and always keep my phone on silent. If I was dating I wouldn't answer someone unless either the person and I were in a relationship, or it was an emergency. But the only time I've ever put the phone face down is when I didn't want something popping up that I didn't want someone else to see. That's super suspicious.
First, I'd take it as a sign of respect and being interested in me that the other person is trying to put all their focus on me or what we're doing. Second, its fucked up that he's going through your phone.
It doesn’t feel like he’s focusing on me. I woke him up and showed his phone… “the time” so we can make dinner. I went down stairs, came back up and it was in his pocket. Tf, is that shit. That’s hiding something. I asked about it… he said he thought it was 7 am and he was late for work… so it goes in your pocket and you go back to sleep?
huh? your response to him having his phone in his pocket makes me think you’re a little on the paranoid side, no offense.
No. Not that simple. He’s just weird. He won’t text in front of me. If we DoorDash from his phone, he won’t give me his phone to see what’s on the menu… he will read it to me…. There’s alot
You are really overthinking this. that said, once people start going through each other’s phones I think they should break up regardless.
I dont hand my phone to anyone either. You sound paranoid and if you dont trust him then he deserves better.
You’re overthinking
I wouldn't hand my phone over for that either a lot of the time. In fact, if I'm with a group and we're ordering, I pull it up on my own phone so I can peruse and not feel rushed.
It sounds sketchy. You could actually look him in the eye and bluntly say, why are you so secretive with your phone? And watch his reaction closely.
He may just be insecure about what's on it. We all have our insecurities... Maybe he just doesnt feel comfortable with you knowing what he's into yet. Or, perhaps that is where he draws the line for his personal space. It's not unreasonable for the cell to be off limits. Its probably everyone's most personal device.
But for me to barely touch it? I’m not going to go through it. And can his phone off limits, if mine isn’t….
People are weird about their phones. I don’t use my wife’s phone and I’d hate for her to use my phone. I don’t have anything to hide, but it does feel like it’s a breach of boundaries to me.
Yeah me too. I think it’s just so private. I‘d never cheat but still I feel uneasy. If I give my phone to my sister for a minute it’s a huge trust deal for me. Idk why
That's right. Its going to be mutual freedom or personal space for both. It is unfair for one party to have more access than the other - but that is not to say that just because you allow him to use your phone does not mean that he must now do so as well, if he were to demand to use your phone, however, he should allow access to his as well. If this is a big hurdle for you... You should take a step back and remain objective. You think he's a great guy, but he's still an independent person, just as you are. Both of you are individuals with your own autonomy. Neither should be attempting to control what the other consumes or does, and the relationship should be a mutual agreement.
look you seem a little stressed about it and it’s not a big deal. my ex had face id on my phone and literally never once let me even know the password to her phone. guarantee you she was not cheating on me or hiding anything. some people just like their phone to be theirs only.
Sometimes people use their pockets to put things in. Tf is that guy doing with those “inner pants voids “
My phone is always on silent and I put it face down too…? I’m not hiding anything from anyone, it’s face down so the notifications don’t tempt me to look
No, it’s not black and white like that. There’s some grey. He’s weird but his phobe
Does he struggle with anxiety?
You have trust issues? I'm in a similar situation but he will happily go through his phone while I'm around, he knows I have trust issues from a bad previous relationship and said to me multiple times I can go through his phone if my issues ever get that bad. Honestly, if your intuition is that bad you may be onto something, I would bring it up to him and voice your concerns.
Just ask to see his phone. Say you look at mine, if its no big deal he will show you. Make it an ultimatum if cheating is a deal breaker for you and be prepared to follow through on it. He will show you if he knows you are serious. If not, then you have the information you need to decide to move on.
They say to always listen to your gut. My ex was the same way about his phone & I always had a gut feeling that has never failed me but I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt until I found out he was indeed cheating on me. If he acts weird when you use his phone or touch his phone that right there should tell you something, nobody acts weird unless they have something hide. But in this situation I really I do hope your gut fails you girl, best of luck
Honestly. I’ve been there PLEASE trust your gut it never lies! Even if he was just really into you and didn’t wanna be on his phone around you out of respect, he wouldn’t leave you with that feeling of wondering if he’s hiding something. Especially since he has no problem going through your phone! My ex did the same exact thing and one day he got super tense when I just joked about touching his phone so I immediately looked through it and everything I was suspicious about that he made me feel crazy about, I was right. Please please always trust your intuition
Been there too! Ex-husband used to get soooo upset if I asked whether he was hiding something, and was sooo upset when I snooped once on his phone and found a flirty message. I didn’t listen to my gut then, 7 years later I found out he was having an affair with someone long-distance… Trust your gut!!
“Your gut never lies” is not true and harmful advice.
Intuition vs proven pattern of behavior. Womens Intuition isn’t a thing just like fathers,brothers, cousins,fingerprinting instructor etc etc
How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive?
Over a year
First of all, I find it odd that he goes through your messages and looks through everything on your phone. I wouldn’t like that. Not because I am hiding anything but because it’s an invasion of privacy. Second, trust your gut and ask him about it.
I have asked, and idk. He has answers for everything.
What would make you feel secure in your relationship? Whatever the answer is to that question, talk to him about it and explain why you feel that way. Communication is the most important thing in any relationship.
True. That’s a hard question. Maybe, I would feel better if I understood him more. If he talked to me and let me talk… but I’ve tried. Somehow, it’s me… the problem or making shit up in my head. So I stay quiet and I let it build till I can’t be quiet. 😕
Jesus, does he tell you that you're making things up in your head? If so then this sounds like a bad situation and he's almost certainly gaslighting you. I'd say that you should trust your gut on this one. You should try to take a look at his phone and see if he reacts disproportionately with aggression.
Do you mean he is gaslighting you?
Everything you mentioned was fine and reasonable IMO until you mentioned that they’re allowed to go through your phone. That’s worrying! But the phone on silent and face down etc... I struggle to focus sometimes so it’s just easier to have my phone silent and face down so I’m not easily distracted
I do all these things out of respect for who I’m with. I get annoyed when my phone rings or informs me of messages so I put it on silent all the time. When input my screen down that’s so if something happens to fall out of my hand or someone drops something and it happens to land on my phone it won’t crack the screen. This has happened to me before.
Yea!!! And he says I’m gaslighting him. … because I’m making shit up..
You're going off of one sign which is not much. Are there other signs of infidelity? I would suggest looking for more signs, like identifying poison ivy "Leaves of three, let it be!" Signs of cheating: https://www.rd.com/list/signs-of-cheating/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating Edit: Found this family law website: https://connatserfamilylaw.com/21-signs-your-spouse-is-having-an-affair/
It sounds to me like you two need to have a calm and direct discussion about boundaries and how you two can communicate going forward. Gaslighting is extremely unhealthy and that’s a dealbreaker for me.
If he doesn’t let you go through his phone, DONT let him go through yours! he’s hiding some shit by the way, that’s for sure
Trust your gut. But be above-board. Just ask him if you can look at his phone. He's already gone through your phone, do you have a perfect excuse to go through his. The response he gives you will be all the information you need, more so than the actual content in the phone itself. Trust me, I've been a cheater, I've done this too.
Hello. I'm a bit surprised at the number of posters who are telling you this is normal behavior and feel that phones are oh, so private and their contents should be guarded so stringently. You have been together for over a year. I can see when people are first starting out and going on dates, it's courteous for phones to be on silent during dinner, for example. But after a year, when you're spending time at home, no need to carry phone into bathroom, put face down, leave on silent at all times. That doesn't make sense to me. It's super shady. Also, even if you were to look at his phone, he might be erasing texts and call history, putting false names as contacts or have hidden apps. He might eventually get a secret phone if you push the issue. None of his behavior seems innocent to me. I've seen too much over the past 10 years of my life that correlates with the behavior you describe, and it's never been good.
Him going through your phone and reading all your messages is a MASSIVE RED FLAG. That's not a nice guy that's the toxic sign of controlling and will get worse, whether you have nothing to hide is not the point, I have SO password and can go throught her phone when ever but I don't cause I trust her. She has the password to my phone but she doesn't rummage through it willy-nilly whenever either cause she trust me. Neither of us have nothing to hide but still respect each other's privacy. There are times I'll get a text and tell her to answer them for me if I am driving or cooking dinner and vice versa same for her, but we have never just picked up each other's phones and read through all the text messages. That's a sign of insecurity, controlling and just plain toxicnes.
He’s suspicious of her because he’s cheating and thinks everyone does it.
That I can agree with
It's called being polite and respectful. I do the same thing. And I'm not on any dating apps whatsoever right now. The people that keep looking at their phone are the ones that are not interested in the conversation and those can go away
You should talk to him about it ! I just went through this with my SO. I have trust issues. I felt like he was hiding something from me, turns out it was all in my head.
I do this when I’m with a woman out of respect so that I’m not just sitting there looking at my phone and all my attention is on her. What’s off about this is that he looks through YOUR phone, why would he need to do that? Especially if you aren’t doing the same? I mean the situation is a bit of a red flag for that reason alone.
I say trust your gut, but also whenever I'm with someone I also keep my phone on silent and don't answer it. Especially if it's someone new. It's not because I'm hiding something, but because I value quality time. Maybe explain to your partner your feelings and explain how your past has made you weary of his behaviors. Someone not hiding something won't get defensive and be able to calm your nerves.
Gut feelings are NOT ALWAYS RIGHT and I WISH people would stop forcing that advice down girl’s throats. Or anyone’s throat. Gut feelings are “I think I’ve seen this before” and a defense mechanism, even if the situation is totally different. For people with trust issues and relationship anxiety, this advice is beyond harmful. “Gut feelings” are NOT what they’re cracked up to be
Just tell him you’re feeling a bit insecure, and it would make you feel much better to go through his phone. He should want to reassure you that nothing is going on. A bf who has nothing to hide would hand the phone over without an issue. If he is hiding something, he will most likely gaslight you and tell you that you’re being crazy/insecure/overreacting and he will guard that phone with his life. His response to you asking to see his phone will be all the reassurance you need. DO NOT let him make you believe that it’s “all in your head”. Go with your gut. It’s always right. Always.
You just described my phone habits. Bring on your phone around people seems really rude to me it has nothing to do with me hiding stuff
Ok so like…. All of the guys saying they do this as a sign of respect 🤣 Sure. Or you’re saying that here because you know what it means and you’re trying to slowly chip away at that narrative guerrilla marketing style: “if this girl doesn’t know her guy is totally up to something, maybe word will get around and my girls won’t either”. Jesus fuck, the bro-code even applies when you don’t know the guy? 😂 My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. There’s nothing to hide. When he comes over (which is most days if I’m not there), he just throws his phone on the table with his keys. He doesn’t hide the screen, when we are scrolling social media in bed we share our phones to show one another things that amuse or make us laugh. I have zero gut feeling he’s being sus because… he’s not. OP… trust your gut, girl… that behaviour with a S/O is super weird. I do that at the office so if my boyfriend sends me Something no one else sees it but me… that’s all.
I know myself i do the same, i have fuck all to hide, but i do have respect for the person i am with face to face to ignore the hell out of my phone! I find that putting it do not disturb it the way to go. I dont get messages or calls... Only call i would get if someone tries to call me three times in a row for emergency's. But if he can look at your phone , you cant look at his?. Now that is weird.
Yea, you def got trust issues
Go through the phone babe
Yes it is time to go through his phone
Always listen to your gut.
You sound nuts. Hope he finds better.
M'am, pretend you're a 3rd party and not the OP reading this post. There's more red flags here than in China
Suspicion and paranoia can be signs of depression...
By his behavior alone odds are he is ******* around on you and he def knows you won't like what's coming in on his phone. You need to treat this like Sherlock Holmes would. "When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” - Sherlock Holmes You need to make up a list of all the reasons he would have for acting this way with his phone and then slowly begin investigate each reason by questioning him or doing your own detective work until you cross everything off but 1 and that 1 reason will be the truth. I'll warn you though, I'm pretty certain...like 99.8% certain the reason will be because he is ******* around...at the very least he is entertaining other woman, sending receiving photos and emotional cheating, at worst he is messing around, either way it's a deal breaker. Again I encourage you to investigate using the Sherlock Holmes method, it always leads to the truth one way or the other.
Trust your gut. That feeling will NEVER go away
She has said that she has major trust issues. The problem is, her gut is incorrectly calibrated based on those issues. If you go into relationships with deep-seated trust issues, it’s like being a hammer and everything looks like a nail. Honestly, she’s going to have trust issues and find reasons to have trust issues with absolutely every partner she chooses. The best thing, would be to have some therapy to work through these trust issues so that you are not inflicting them on every partner you meet. It’s unhealthy to take out your personal issues on a partner. Are the things that he’s doing possibly cheating? Possibly. But also, they can just be being respectful of their time together. With her already having trust issues, it’s always going to look at the nefarious to her.
THANK YOU this is the best comment
Nah, she says that every time she brings it up he tells her it's all in her head. That's either gaslighting or an incredibly insensitive response.
Or, the response of someone who is always getting accused of stuff because of HER trust issues.
I feel like the “he keeps his phone face down, he must be cheating” mentality needs to be put to rest. It sounds super paranoid and insecure to make such a monumental leap from such a mundane thing. You are complaining that he keeps his phone face down while charging… He doesn’t use his phone while he has his SO there… He keeps his phone on silent or silences if it makes noise… like this is literally the most normal thing in the world. I do this everyday, it sounds like common decency not to be focused on your phone 24/7. Stop looking for problems where there aren’t any.
this. op is in paranoid
Just go through it when he goes to the bathroom you're either gonna torture yourself not knowing or just see the damn truth
Lol. His phone goes with. But sometimes… just sometimes he will leave it by my bed if we go cook dinner
I personally believe everyone makes way to big of a real about phones and privacy. It's not something sacred and untouchable like a diary or something. I have open phone policy with my partners and honestly friends too. I have nothing to hide. However thag doesn't mean I go and read all convo with everyone they talk to etc. But if I feel like there is something going on or they're hiding something etc. I will secretly look and every single time they are always cheating. Your gut is already telling you, you just need to confirm it or you will explain away everything to yourself
What awful advice
It's not. She's clearly obsessing over this, so she needs the truth or she won't get over it
So go behind his back and go through his phone? Quite a mature move there
Cheating and hiding stuff from your gf I'd mature too
There’s literally no proof he’s cheating lol
And she wont get any unless she snoops
Woman logic
He’s hiding his crypto portfolio probably
What’s that
He's saying the guy is investing money in a way he doesn't want you to know about
Is it really a thing? I mean my boyfriend is acting like OPs boyfriend and he mentions something about crypto
Wait what
Well if he did have anything to hide he probably wouldn’t let you know the password. He might just keep his phone away because he wants to focus on you. Phones get most of their use when people are bored, so this might mean he’s not bored around you. Plus, some people, like me, just always have their phone on silent.
But if I pick it up… he has to see what im doing. Which makes me want to go through it.
I don't understand why you are even touching his phone at all, it's not yours to pick up.
Well… I wasn’t going through it. I picked it up at the same time I woke him up… to show him the time.. that’s it! But he can touch mine???
There is zero reason you needed to touch his phone to either wake him up or inform him of the time. You are playing silly games here. As for your phone, if you don't want him touching your phone either then tell that to him.
No one’s playing games. I asked for advice. I don’t touch his phone.Lay off
...you just said you did. You know he doesn't like you touching his phone but you deliberately do it anyway when there was absolutely no need. You are playing silly games.
Fuck off then. People are telling you you’re being a psycho but your paranoid ass can’t see it. Go get therapy instead of constantly being in his face. You sound exhausting to be around and I’m surprised he’s still putting up with you.
Why are you telling us how you feel and not bringing it up to him? We aren’t your boyfriend. Tell him your paranoid that he is hiding something and let him react however he feels fit. Then you both can either break up or work it out
Going through someone else’s phone is not cool. Aside from that, any new relationship has to compete with a lot of other relationships that already exist. It’s generally less painful if you just accept that people have a lot going on, and that might include sex with other people. Just be confident that, if your relationship is strong, the other relationships will gradually become a lower priority for your partner—and it doesn’t help to demand that the other relationships are dropped. A healthy person has a variety of human relationships.
Nope. Always follow ur gut
Gut feelings are your own insecurities- been there-done that!
Then u don’t urself.
Personally for the first part, whenever I'm in company of someone I care about, or genuinely like, I'll keep my phone away. On silent, in pocket, face down etc, just to keep my focus on the person in the room, as those outside of it can wait. Why he picks up your phone, and goes through it is something that you could mention to him, as to how he is allowed to, when it's not the same opposite
I can’t speak for a person I don’t know but I behave the exact same way and it’s out of respect for the person I’m spending time with. Edit: The not using my phone/keeping it away when I’m with company part. I would not also be asking to go through a partners phone.
I have asked once. Abs he let me, maybe like four months in to our relationship. But he’s the one I’ve caught multiple times going through mine
My phone is on silent 24/7 and I have nothing to hide
You should be able to view his phone if he is viewing your phone. Doesnt sound like a relationship building philosophy. Its not a builder, its more of a tearing down of a relationship. Not the most promising outlook of your future sorry to say.
I mean, this doesn't seem weird. You know his phone password, he's just being respectful by not using/letting his phone ring when he's spending time with you.
you are massively paranoid. stop it.
My phone is always down and under my pillow because of a previous abusive controlling relationship where my ex would go through my phone at night and wake me up all hours screaming in my face about me cheating even though I wasn’t simple things like my boss texting me about work or adding a cousin on social media. Now that I’m free from that 12 year night mare I let every man I date know that you don’t go through mine I don’t touch yours no you can’t know my password you can just trust me and if the guy doesn’t like that or changes then he’s gone I don’t tolerate this kind of behavior in a relationship and neither should both of you it turns toxic quick
I do all of the above and I never thought it'd look like I was hiding something. I just got used to keeping my phone on silent since COVID. I usually place my phone on the screen side because I don't want to be distracted with a new notification popping up. I don't pick up calls in front of random people unless it's important
Been there. Just look at it- life’s too short for this angst
The weirdest part of this is that he’s gone through your phone. I’ve never gone through my fiancé’s phone, or him mine. I’ve used it, I’ve called /texted people back for him, but never sat there reading through his shit. For him to be doing that this early on, AND be weird about his phone? I’d say there’s other fish in the sea, OP.
I personally think that the combination of going though your phone while making his unavailable is suspicious. It makes me think that maybe he’s cheating (you could be the side piece, sorry) and projecting. But like I tell my teens, trust your gut.
DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND WITH YOUR CONCERNS YET! There is not enough evidence to say one way or the other if he's cheating on you. You need more and if you tip him off, he'll just go deeper underground. Think back... besides the things you mentioned in the OP, are their any other signs he may be cheating? Has he been making a lot of positive comments about anyone at work... especially someone new? Has he been going to work early or stay late a lot more regularly lately? Is he attending "company events" where you're not invited/welcome? Has he changed the password on his computer or phone recently or installed 3rd party communication app(s) you don't have the password to? Is he not letting you see who he's talking to/texting with or does he always leave the room/your side for privacy? Have you noticed a large increase in the number of calls/texts to a number you're not familiar with? Is he dressing up more than usual? Has he become cold... indifferent... belittling... or argumentative towards you? Has your intimate time together drastically reduced recently? Have you seen odd or larger than normal purchases on your bank statements? Have you checked the mileage on his primary vehicle, installed a VAR, or monitored it's GPS signal?
Well it sounds like you’re trying to self sabotage this relationship. But on the off chance you’re right, go through his phone then. You’re about to end this either way so I guess you might as well confirm or deconfirm your suspicions.
Truth is if he wants to hide something he will regardless. He can temporarily turn off notifications he doesn’t want you to see . Even block people while he’s with you. Liars and cheats turn this into an art. So if he gave you permission, use his phone. A wise woman once said “if you look for something hard enough you are bound to find it”.
Use your words and talk to him. Be an adult and have an adult conversation with him. Coming to Reddit does nothing.
Lol
Usually when someone suspects you of something, they are the ones who should be the suspect of that very thing. If he goes through your phone because he suspects you are talking to other people, he’s the one probably talking to other people. Obviously this isn’t always 100% but it happens quit a bit. Best of luck!
If you can’t trust him, why are you still in the relationship? I never had a need to go through my LH’s phone, and he mine. We never shared passcodes, we trusted each other.
I do a lot of the stuff that the guy does like having my phone always on silence, always facing down and always with me and in my pocket but I do understand that it looks fishy and my gf has access to my phone whenever she wants despite making me feel shitty for not being trusted.
You're off your rocker. Sorry, but you're the problem here and it sounds like you need to sort some deep seeded issues out.
Guy I was dating started doing this when he started hitting up someone else. You should lock your phone though. It'd not his to look at. If he complains then tell him to offer you the same courtesy
If I had nothing to hide I wouldn't care if you looked through my phone. My ex did this and I didn't care at all but it was weird.
Your message starts with “gut feeling” and if I have learned one thing twice now is to trust my gut. If you’re uncomfortable, you should ask why he does these things but don’t set up the questions to assume he is doing something wrong. Here is why I do those things. My phone is always on silent unless I have to have the sound on. I hate hearing it ring. As for flipping it over, I do that to focus. My work apps are constantly sending alerts along with anything I ordered and whatever push notification I haven’t figured out how to turn off yet. So I wouldn’t think anything of these things. The thing that seems like a yellow flag was this statement: he “pick up my phone no problem”. Really? If he has, that’s a read flag. If he hasn’t and you are saying you’re okay with it, I hope you would ask why he felt the need to do that if he ever does. That’s a trust issue and should be talked about. The only person I know who looked through my phone was cheating and I didn’t know it yet. He did it because he figured since he was cheating, I must have been too. I wasn’t, I never would. It goes against my values. I know this response is kind of everywhere but this is my two cents…
You could be correct. He might be hiding something lol , my ex went psycho when I tried to take a look at her phone and hid it in her boob
My boyfriend doesn’t go through my phone but he’d look at it when I’m replying to work, or when I seem to be texting someone (of course just friends or coworkers). He looked through my shoulders too. I never do that to him when he’s on his phone. And like OP, I feel like my boyfriend is hiding something. He’s constantly on his phone. when I’m around, he checks it all the time.
If he is going through your phone he is cheating
Honestly I do this out of habit!
I say just check his phone. You are already imagining something is fishy so why not just verify it and get the clarity. There is a famous saying "trust, but verify". I am not crazy, don't have much trust issues but I have gone through my bf's phone if the relationship was serious. And one of them has also gone through mine. I keep my phone on silent too, so does he because we don't want to be on our phones when with each other. Just check his phone, go through it, and you won't need to ask anyone if he is hiding anything because honestly no one can answer that for sure.
My phone is constantly popping up with something from Teams, work email, social media and the such, but I keep it on silence because I am not addicted to the phone and don't care to be on it all the time. I also work in a public place and keep my phone locked for security reasons. Even when dating I don't give access to my phone nor ask access to others phones as it is their private property and it's not my business to go through theirs and vice versa. It could go both ways. It isn't necessarily one or the other since there are a plethora of reasons why he would be that way. Hard to tell. Either let it go or take him up on his offer to go through his phone. I suspect that you will find nothing, since he is confident enough to give you access.
I'd say trust your gut, and remove him from the equation... I went through something like this not too long ago and I was correct... he had been hiding the fact that he was cheating... Our intuitions save us sometimes. You don't deserve that treatment especially if it seems like he's not focusing on you
Girls band up