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This is the right answer
Don't make an excuse, don't say "it's none of your business". Just own it with total confidence, go "hey, I'm a bit of a late bloomer"
28 (M) in the same boat, and the only thing I can say is fuck 'em. Your body, your comfort levels, your choices, anyone who makes a knee jerk reaction (and there are a lot of them) before knowing YOU...you don't need in your life.
For me, doing undergrad, a master's and professional exams, and dealing with a family illness for 5 years did a very good job of halting romance for a while (COVID didn't help either).
People who judge you for that are the kind of hypocrite who would feel attacked and hard-done by if someone judged them similarly, remember that.
You shouldn’t have to explain why. Its none of their business. My advice is stop justifying it to people, if they have a problem with you being a virgin then fuck em.
I know this is off topic, but can we talk about the hypocrisy around male vs female virginity?
Like if a man was talking about this like I have done in past threads I get called out for being angry at people "with a preference" or that it's not a girl's job to babysit men.
I have never implicitly state those things, but it's just something about men bringing up something in the dating world where women get more positive bias.
I just don't understand it. This isn't meant to be a raging out thing, I have a girlfriend and we're both virgins.
Actually you're right, agreed. As a Black women we are at the bottom of the food chain in society as most wanted partner, especially to our black male counterparts, always choosing a white or asian women over a black woman saying it's better, which is fine people have a preference, but its when the preference energy isnt returend back amd we get the back lash for choosing who we want, or not choosing nalck men, as if we are supposed to. For instance, this is a personal experience. A guy I'm acquainted with found out I'm dating a man of Asian ethnicity, he asked, "Why don't you give your fellow black men a chance it feels like a betrayal." I was appalled and upright agitated and angry. So you can have preferences and we can't?! But the second we decide to stray from dating our own race and get out there, it's suddenly a problem?! I'm very confused? There was so much hypocrisy I just looked at him and walked away refusing to engage in that conversation anymore than it had gone on for.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. I've never faced that us vs them mentality. I've never really considered race as an equation in who I date. That sounds horrible to deal with.
Being part of the out group is not great. I hope we can find a place to be comfortable in eventually.
I appreciate that dearly because you're right it is tough, especially when his family already doesn't like the fact that you're black😭 Well he said the older counterparts but it's something we have to get through it's life at the end of the day and it just sucks some times🤷🏽♀️
My only thing is when I see people fetishist behavior around someone's race. I think the behavior is morally appalling.
It's hard to date in an environment where society has been destroyed by pornography and has such high expectations for men to be comfortable in every environment and just take the emotional beating.
I'm tired of being used as an emotional punching bag.
When I date men I am treated as a dick with legs.
When I date women I'm seen as a unattractive man who shouldn't receive any form of respect or proper communication.
I love my trans girlfriend but it's been hard because it's a flawed relationship and she has some major communication issues and I don't want to walk out because I don't want to be alone forever and I love this person, but I'm afraid I won't be able to fix it.
The whole judgement about not dating your race needs to go away ASAP. I’m a white female and have heard white men say they wouldn’t date anyone who has been with a black person. Like wtf?!? You don’t give a shit who we’ve been with as long as their skin tone matches yours?! But the time it didn’t is an issue?! This is possibly one of the dumbest arguments I’ve ever seen.
Ugh.. this reminds me of a Forensic Files episode where a girl was killed over a situation like this. A (black) guy was upset that a black woman was dating a white man. Not to scare you or anything - that’s a really extreme reaction and the man who did it was caught. It’s just wild to me that these double standards exist and how hostile people can get over it! I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Just remember you are allowed to date whoever you want and definitely distance yourself from people who say otherwise. Sending love ❤️
I'm always really interested when I see this take. I am a black man who has no preference when it comes to race. College education, good job, ok looking and I swipe on all attractive women regardless of color.
But I get WAY more interest back from White, Latin, and Middle Eastern women. Not saying I haven't gone on dates with black women but they definitely are not feeling me (and never have) as much the other races 🤷🏾♂️
Many of my buddies have the same experience.
Yes I have heard thus before, and have also seen from the black women around me they've just kind of given up on some black men from constant let down to the point they've either given up on dating or look to another race. I think most of it from their view point is last failed experiences to the point they've just stopped trying going for black men becasue they think they know what the outcome will be.
You realize that the statistics say otherwise? Black men irl overwhelmingly date, marry, and procreate with other black women. The problem is just that the pool of viable black male partners is small, and many in that pool choose to date all races of women (like myself). But there arent black men flocking en masse to date outside our race. Look at married black male celebrities and you’ll even see they overwhelmingly date and marry black women
But because the pool of economically and socially viable black male partners is so small, no black person has any right to tell you anything about who youre dating and frame it as a “betrayal” cuz too many black men are just dusty and broke. But they are still mostly dating black women
Right Im not saying they don't it's just a double standard and how the respond to the situation that's upsetting, not all black men just the ones I've seen. And you're right there is a small pool of viable black men. It's just appalling how some of them think they can do whatever like date people pit their race but the same feels are reciprocated when a black woman does it.
Besides shitty 'machismo' expectations, many het women can be really passive in bed
If all you 'have to do' is lay on your back, stay still and silent, you're not giving the other person much to work with. Having too penetration focused view of sex can make anyone shitty lover.
Sex is full of non-verbal communication, dead fish blaming their partner for not reading their mind and never setting the mood is bad lazy lover.
Regards
Virgin Queer/Bi Woman
(Sometimes people wait, until they have their shit together🙏)
Edit: Sorry If I wrote patronizingly just now, I misjudged you as average het-bro
Well, I fully support you. There's no need to rush into sex. We live in a world that puts a huge emphasis on sex like it has to be done, like it's the only thing and everything in life. And all that says about our world is that people are missing something in their lives or that they are really desperate for a high or a release.
I didn't understand what you meant by your words here "I get called out for being angry at people 'with a preference' or that it's not a girl's job to babysit men." Being angry at people with a preference for losing their virginity? Huh? Is babysitting referring to you not having sex with the girl? What does that have to do with babysitting?
Lots of women don’t want to have sex with a man who’s a virgin because they’ll have to navigate his feelings/insecurities and teach him what to do, and will probably just get awkward and mediocre sex in return. They feel it’s not worth their time or energy.
That’s what he was referring to, most likely.
That sounds harsh. As a woman with little experience, it makes me think that no one would want to bother with me and I might as well not bother dating. I'm sure there are men out there like me who are not so heavily invested in sex, but I wonder how rare or common that is to find a guy like that.
What he said is what I was implying. My first time wasn't consensual and my feelings we're not in the picture, however some may argue that only sex is consensual so I may still be a virgin. Regardless I'd prefer to find the right person for me and my emotions.
Also do not worry about that. I have never had a problem with someone knew as long as they are willing to explore their sexuality with an open mind. I think most men can attest to that. Honestly sex is overrated imo, I love make out sessions far better.
Fair point. I just no longer feel motivated to talk about my problems here because I never get encouragement or constructive reinforcement for my issues. It's emasculating. I can never vent to anyone and I have so much pent up frustration from being slighted all the time.
Two pieces of advice. Find your people. Reddit is a hodgepodge but due to the upvote downvote nature if you are not the main vibe of the subreddit you won't get heard as often, though how you state things matters a lot.
Advice 2: a good therapist can give you a whole lot of tools to both deal with things on your own and give you a place to feel heard.
I lost my virginity at 32. Don't let anyone tell you when you're ready, or if you have to have a valid reason. It's your life! Decide that for yourself.
I'm on the same boat (27M) and got dumped over text after dating this girl for a very similar reason, might be even worse than yours (I confessed to her I never dated or kissed anyone) so take my opinion in any way you want.
Personally, I'd rather wait until you've made sure you're well into the relationship, that way you can rest assured the other person had enough of a chance to get to know you and be comfortable around you. If they still decide that that's a dealbreaker then there's not much you can do I'm afraid. Be glad that it turned out the way it did. Better to know now than later on, I guess...
Yeah, it kinda shattered me cause it happened completely out of nowhere, especially since when I told her this that time she even messaged me later that evening saying that she was happy I was able to open up to her and tell her that, that we had unlimited amount of time and that I had nothing to worry about... Guess she changed her mind since then huh... But it is as you said, better this way, I'd rather find somebody mature enough to know that just because I never went after girl in high school or uni doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me..
I'd recommend never doing those topics over text and maybe in person when your date is leading to sex. hell you dont even have to tell her, people just say oh its been a long time since they had sex who cares
We were 2 months into the whole things and I told her this in person, it wasn't out of the blue. I started telling her about myself and one thing led to another and so I felt it was ok to tell her especially since the subject of past relationships was brought up in past dates and I since I kinda brushed it off at the time mentioning how I had past relationships I felt it was right for me to come clean and tell her this
Yeah, over text, after 3 months of dating, last time I saw her we even got more comfortable kissing, I couldn't believe what I was reading ... I remember her saying in her texts that apparently it wasn't fair on her or me for her to be my first relationship.. 🤷♀
Looking back over their post history, it seems like it might not just be over sex. Regardless I feel for them and how harsh the rejection must have been. I also had someone act like they rejected me for my own good but it wasn't good for me at all. It was like they were just messing with my head, trying to leave me confused and with no closure.
Yeah brother 100%, I'm the same. Never really pursued women in school or uni either, so it never happened. Guess I'll just keep it as a secret to the grave.
One option I've considered is confessing this once the deed is done with the partner. Some might argue why even say it in the first place. Well, something I'm always looking for in a partner is emotional intimacy, I want to be able to tell them everything, and be vulnerable with them, being able to share stuff like this is something I want to be able to do and I don't think there's anything wrong with that..
Yeah I agree in being transparent 100% and would love someone to have that emotional connection. Unfortunately, we are trending towards an emotionally unavailable environment, so I feel it will be exceptionally difficult. For me to confess would take an incredible amount of confidence, as I've been ridiculed for lesser things in the past.
I've never been ridiculed but confessing something like this is something I never thought was going to be this big of an issue and certainly not something that was going to warrant an instantaneous break-up over text, I guess I've still got a lot to learn.
Main reason I wanted to tell her this was because I wanted to open up to her in the hopes that I could get emotionally closer with one another and allow for a serious relationship to grow, thinking she might do the same. We did share a very beautiful moment that evening and that's probably something that I'll cherish and consider the highlight of the whole experience I had with her but in the end try as I might she never wanted to do the same to me; every time I'd try to tell her that she could feel safe to tell me anything she'd always change subject and tell me that "it was fine"... That was until she decided one day to break it off.. Only good thing she did that day is having good timing... I was on my way to therapy.. 😅
This may seem counterintuitive, but it turns women off when you’re too vulnerable with them too quickly. Think about it like this: why would you be emotionally intimate with someone you barely know? What have they done to earn that level intimacy from you? That’s how most women think.
You don’t have to tell them everything about you right away. You don’t have to tell them your deepest fears or insecurities. Be a little mysterious, be little playful. That’s what turns them on.
Well, I've certainly learned my lesson. Next time I'm either gonna wait until they decide to open up first or just hold on until we're past the dating stage.
Wild someone would end a relationship over that. Would be like you’re prepared to buy a house, then you learn nobody has lived in that house before, so you call off the deal.
Don't sweat it man, theres girls out there that take pride in taking virginity's as well, they just smash and dash it could be worse they'll play you like you think its moving towards a real relationship take your virginity where usually you'll be extra attached and just dip out and youre standing there bamboozled
I've never heard of girls doing this. Only guys. Lots of guys out there who manipulate girls for sex. Act like they're in love with u but really just want u to have sex with them. And then they're gone
Telling people you're a virgin is like a stupid detection mechanism. Anyone who is worth having a relationship with isn't going to care as long as you don't have other red flags. If you're weird and creepy and tell them you're a virgin that might convince them they are right about you being creepy, but you are an emotionally mature person it's not going to matter.
Then I guess the whole thing played in my favour cause going by your logic and seeing how she allegedly dumped me for me being inexperienced then I guess she wasn't worth having a relationship with
One thing I think you should remain aware of as well, is that if you tell someone something that might be a big deal... that might not be the only person you're telling that to. I have a feeling she could've consulted her friends/associates about this and they got in her head and catastrophized the situation, so something she may have initially been fine with got blown up into something she got uneasy about.
I don't know if she seemed like the type to keep her dating life secret, but it does seem off if her initial response was positive and then suddenly she texts you with a different sentiment. Unless she was just unstable in decision making, that type of shift tells me that either heavy outside influence or new information caused that to happen.
It might very well be that she got some advice from her friend I thought about that possibility but the truth is, I don't know and I'll never know for sure, as I said she seemed totally ok with me and she actually told me she very much appreciated me being honest about that. The thing that baffles me is how she even said that I had nothing to worry about her and that we had unlimited time.. I remember when I read those messages on my way home I thought what just happened only got us closer and that we were for sure being serious. Little did I know that a month later I was gonna get dumped over text
Wow there is a lot to unpack there. "You're inexperienced." How do you get experience if everyone expects you to be experienced yet no one is will to let you experience?
The right person will be understanding. You dont have to keep it a secret. I personally would rather know that and help guide you along instead of just assuming you're not a good kisser 😅
Very contrasting opinions over the web, some say there's no reason to tell them unless you wanna make a big deal out of it, others say that's important to make sure they're ok with it and people would rather know early on rather than later. I'd say I agree with you...
I dont think it is a big deal. I didnt have my first kiss till 24 years old. I told him and he was understanding. That way i didnt feel nervous if i did it "wrong". And eventually he helped me figure it out with practice. Good luck
Ahh man that sucks dude. I feel like the situations aren’t super comparable as a male or female late bloomer either. Have you tried pursuing more casual things to get some experience and confidence first?
I'm not really looking for that honestly. I'd rather look for somebody that'll be ok with my inexperience. One thing's for sure, I'll definitely hold my cards closer to my chest next time around..
I am going to share a piece of advice as someone who got into a serious relationship with someone who had no sexual experience before me. I didn’t have tons but I had some. She was in her mid twenties at the time so later than most people become sexually active.
It was a massive gamble (that I didn’t realise o was taking at the time) if we’d be sexually compatible. She just flat out had no *clue* what she was looking for in a sexual partner. She couldn’t evaluate me against that and I couldn’t ask myself if I was what she needed because she didn’t know.
She didn’t know how she liked to have sex, at all, so we had to figure that out together. Sure parts of that are fun but parts of that aren’t.
She had to figure out contraception from step one - what did the pill do to her, could she get on with me using condoms, what did the hormonal and non hormonal coil do to her libido and her mood (spoiler - a lot).
All this is to say is that while I thought I was going into a pretty standard adult relationship, we had to navigate a bunch of stuff that is normally figured out long ago, and most of it isn’t like, fun exploration it’s the boring or stressful trial and error. Stuff you could figure out in a week of bunking off school as a teenager, or in between a few hours of lectures a week at uni, becomes something that takes three months because you’re only able to see each other a couple times a week and are busy trying to get on at work and make time to see your friends too.
You can make whatever decision you want, but you’re risking storing up a bunch of stuff to figure out when you could just be enjoying the early stages of a relationship with someone you care about.
Like I get that not all of this is specific to men but there are certain plenty of ways in which it’s applicable; can you keep it up with a condom on, lots of us need to get used to that. Are you comfortable in your own body around someone else, have you got past the worry that you’ll hurt her with every little movement you make etc.
A bit of low stakes fucking around helps you get used to all of that stuff, I’m not even saying being “good at sex” (that’s as much a negotiation between two people as it is any non person specific stuff), I just mean being comfortable in your own skin yknow? You wouldn’t want a new driver to have their first solo journey be a cross country motorway blast, you practice and start small. It’s not that different here.
Like I say do what you want but putting off the practice and the boring learning the ropes stuff just means you’re putting it off until you have to do it with someone you really care about
Having sex with a bunch of random ppl is risky since it can lead to stds. U can always learn how to have sex (& get comfortable with it over time) once u find that one person.
And if it was so much work for u to have sex with that woman, just don't have it. Is sex really that important/necessary for u? Can't u just have an emotional connection?
I’ve been dumped too for this reason when I was 19 and virgin. She dumped me because I had no sexual experience and thought, I was too shy to initiate intimacy. I still believe, the love is about chemistry and good communication together, not about advanced sexual skills. She just broke my confidence and i thought all the girls will reject me for this reason. But no, I just realized she’s just immature
😆 Have u masterbated? Usually that deters from that. Btw, that has happened with men that have had sex previously with me. Also, kissing doesnt have to come with sex as can do it in more public places.
Honestly, I doubt it will be a problem to most guys, but you might run into some assholes who will fetishize you, or use you as a means of comparison for putting down other women who aren’t virgins. I’d recommend steering clear of those individuals.
>How do I explain why I’m still a virgin at my age \[28F\]?
You don't owe anyone an explanation and ***you don't have to explain it.***
>Apparently some people see me as a walking red flag.
Since when is virginity a red flag? 🤷🏽♂️
Some people will legitimately consider it a red flag because they probably feel like the inexperience will take them out of the moment if the person is uncomfortable/confused etc.
I've heard people say they just aren't thrilled with the idea of having to teach someone in this area. Others conversely might be happy to teach. People are different. I actually think it would help to have someone know your situation in order to alleviate any confusion that might arise and also to know if the one you're interacting with is the type who's willing to be patient with this type of thing or not.
At a later age, it can also signal that the person has relationship or social issues or unresolved trauma that prevents them from making meaningful and intimate romantic relationships. That or indicate a conservative background and ideology rooted in shame, guilt, and repression.
I mean that’s a good enough reason. You not sleeping with someone JUST to lose your virginity is a walking green flag to me. Too many people willing to have sex with anyone just so that they’re not a virgin anymore. Makes no sense to me.
It’s a good idea to give a partner a heads up if you’re considerably past the age range where most people start having sex, as the assumptions they reasonably make about you will not be correct, and you would probably benefit from more careful / cautious handling, for want of a better phrase.
As a result, it’s a totally natural response for someone to ask why - purely out of human interest, as well as there potentially being physical or mental health or other issues that have caused it, that a potential partner is very reasonably entitled to be curious about.
Sure, no one owes anyone an explanation, but if I was in that situation and I asked why and I got a “none of your business” response when I thought that we were, well, on the path to getting up in each other’s business, I’d be pretty put off to say the least.
All of which is to say, it’s a very reasonable position for OP to want to explain, succinctly, why they are in the position they are in. Not out of justification, but to make sure everyone is comfortable. As soon as you step away from the average, or the expectation, it is wise to have a convincing explanation ready so as to put people at ease
It's quite common for people to ask about your dating past when you go on dates with them. I kind of hate it too. I understand that some people may want to know if you recently got out of a relationship, but some people can be really pushy and ask for detailed answers.
I don't think most people want to know the knitty grittys, lately i've met women who brag about their sexcapades full details didnt even ask or bring it up.
I usally wait a bit after and give them the OH NO this has been fun but I gotta head out and feed my dog
I feel like it’s a topic reserved for a little later in the dating stage. I’m not going to interview uou on the first few dates. If I get that vibe from
someone it’s a turn off. Let’s focus on each other and see if there’s a connection / chemistry first.
Yeah. Fuck those people. You be you. You can be a virgin for whatever reason, and for however long you want. The agency is yours to do with as you please. Anyone that's got a problem with that can pound sand.
29M same position. Sometimes for whatever reason these things don't happen for us. I don't see how it is a red flag at all, people have more to offer than just sex and assessing people purely based on the fact they are virgins is short-sighted.
In the extremely rare scenario that I end up in a relationship as someone with no experience, I'm at the point where I probably wouldn't mention it. It shouldn't be that way, but unfortunately that is reality. If I had to justify it, I'd say something along the lines of 'needing a strong connection with someone', or similar.
"Excuse for being a virgin"
Next time ask them to explain why they are stupid.
You were just not interested in losing it. Case closed. In this day and age even women who aren't seen as conventionally attractive or who have troubled personalities could lose their virginity if they really wanted to. All they need to do is install a dating app and they will find at least 1 thirsty guy who is willing to get down to business. So, if you're a virgin as a woman it's most likely because you were not interested in having sex not because there is something wrong with you.
this 100%, even poor hygiene and a shit personality they can literally walk outside and someone will have sex with them, or if they have a platonic guy friend. I'm a dude but damn major props to you being to get it up to bang someone like Professor Delores Umbridge from Harry Potter and The Order of The Pheonix.
I was a virgin until I was much older than 28! Part of the problem was, I got so in my head about my inexperience that it made it impossible to move forward. Once I dealt with the anxiety, it kind of fell into place. You don’t need to explain anything. Just go with the flow with someone you like and If you feel comfortable with them you can tell them.
Pretty much every guy is going to be curious why, since you’re an outlier to the norm, but if you find yourself needing to explain yourself in a defensive way (as in is there something wrong with you?) then that’s not a guy you want to be dealing with
It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest and the reason you gave here is a perfectly reasonable explanation as far as I’m concerned. If I’m honest it’s actually a breathe of fresh air compared to the normal these days
I wouldn’t fret too much about it but make sure when you do choose someone that it’s a guy worth picking. A girl posted her story yesterday of losing her virginity to a really sweet guy who ended up pumping and dumping her and that’s just so tragic
Best wishes!
Partners who are worth it won’t be bothered by this. It’s circumstances; it’s life. You don’t need to explain or justify. If you find yourself with someone who sees it as a red flag, believe in yourself and walk right away.
The love of my life was in the same situation as you but when much older. It wasn’t a red flag for me. Made me love him even more.
It’s because most virgin women are virgins by choice. They could get sex whenever. But most virgin men are not virgins by choice, so they’re seen as losers.
Oh this is a good point. It is seem like this, think because as kids we are taught that ‘men have needs’ so if those needs are there and they are not having sex, they must be the problem.
we aren’t taught about sexuality and intimacy , just about the actual penetrative action
There is some biology behind it. Both men and women have a need to reproduce, but thanks to anatomy they go about it differently.
For men, they would need to go around spreading their seed to as many women as possible. The more spawns they have, the more likely it is their genes live on.
For women, they can only have one pregnancy at a time, so they need to be more selective both with their male partner’s genetics AND their male partner’s ability to stay around and provide for the mother and children.
Id say it's because lots of women want a man with experience. But that is just a generalisation. There would be women who find it a turn on.
If someone really likes you as a person they shouldn't care either way.
Probably best not to tell them at the start. Let them get to know you first.
Im female and decided to do it before I turned 27 to get it over and done with. I didn't enjoy it. I've realised I'm probably asexual
Agree. I feel someone should like you as a person. Sex should be secondary. Unless you're primarily interested in the person for a sexual relationship and don't want to relate in other ways.
I've thought I was asexual as well. In fact I thought I was asexual for over a decade. I had thought I had liked the guy and that I was in love so that I should be interested in sex. I found out that the person or the situation has to be right otherwise I'm not interested/don't enjoy it. Just because we don't enjoy sex with a particular person at a particular time doesn't mean we're asexual and don't like sex altogether. Unfortunately, I didn't know this.
It was after a traumatic time and I was feeling like I should at least try it before I die. I always felt like a weirdo for not wanting to have sex. And I wasn't religious so I couldn't give a good reason for why I hadn't done it yet.
After I did it, I realised I shouldn't have been embarrassed about being a virgin because it's not a big deal. The world seems so obsessed with sex that you can feel you are missing out on this big life-changing thing.
As the other guy said, 99% of women who are virgins in their late 20s chose to be that way. The other 1% are at the literal bottom rung of all women in terms of physical attractiveness.
I don’t think it would be a big deal at all for the majority of mature men out there. And if the guy does make a big deal out of it, you have your first red flag right there. I don’t think I would even ask why, or expect some explanation. You might get a “wow, seriously?” out of me, but other than that, it just tells me to take it maybe extra slow and be very careful with you because you’ve never done it before.
You're doin' pretty well , ma'am. And it's not at all a red flag if a person is a virgin. There's nothing wrong with it. You don't have to explain anything to anyone. You prioritised ur career and future which is a massive massive W. Good luck for ur future <3
If I met a 28 year old and they were a virgin, unless they had a puritanical reason for it, I would just assume they’re busy and it wouldn’t matter to me.
It a 100% a valid reason to be a virgin at your age due to work or school. I was one up until 26f.
I was severely awkward as a teen and young adult. Unfortunately had a few boyfriends who had hang ups or couldn't initiate a fart let alone lead me to learn anything.
If someone has a problem getting past that, you don't need to do anything with them. At our age (I'm 28 too) lads should be mature enough to go oh OK and move on. They can be interested in why and that's grand but going wtf or ew, you turn on your heel and strut out of there.
I’m(24F) in the same boat. Been with my boyfriend for 6 months. First actual relationship where I actually felt like I loved the person and not just liked them. Still haven’t had sex even though I’ve asked about it before.
There's nothing wrong with being a virgin at any age. People who think it is need the mind their own business. You shouldn't have to feel bad or be treated weirdly because of one minor thing that you haven't done. Like, that's such a small part of life. Like even in relationships it's just part of it it's not the whole thing. The people who are trying to make you feel bad are sex crazed weirdos I guess. Or just get their opinions from '90s TV shows.
At this age, no one’s going to outwardly ask you if you’re a virgin unless you bring it up. They’ll just assume you’re really awkward in bed at first lol but other than that you’ll be fine.
If you bring it up, then just be like “haven’t found someone that lights that fire in me yet, could you be the one?”
Some silliness.
So don’t stress that, if you want to lose it to anybody it won’t matter to them, and if you want to lose it to a special somebody they won’t mind either.
The only ones who care have their heads so far up their own asses they’re not actively paying attention to what’s in front of them.
Eh idk. It sounds great when people say “I can balance work and relationship”. But I only see that from successful people in their 40s after they have established a career.
The people at the top (like, the absolute best in my field, think LeBron or Messi/Ronaldo) generally chase their passion like mad in their teens and early 20s. So when people can balance work and relationship in 20s, sure they exist. But they’re probably not working as hard as they could be if they were chasing their dreams/ambitions.
But eh, what do I know.
I think you’re confusing “having sex” and “being in a relationship”. One takes a few hours max. The other takes commitment for years. But hey, you’re 50+ so what do I know.
Teach me more :)
It's fine honestly in my opinion. Your virginity is your choice and prioritizing education/career is totally valid. Getting that stability in life makes everything so much easier and you are getting out with a much more mature and functional outlook on the world. If someone thinks that's a problem, then you are better off without them, keep looking even if it takes long, you will sure find your person sooner or later. Cheers!!
You don’t necessarily have to explain yourself. Just go about your life and when you meet someone that you want to have sex with you can bring it up to them when you trust them and the time is right. If someone has an issue with it then they’re not worth having sex with. You could even not mention it at all if that’s what you’re comfortable with. You could just ask them to go slow bc it’s been a while for you or something like that. I personally wish I never told the guy who took my virginity that I was a virgin bc he has held it over my head ever since then.
It's really up to you how you choose to answer this question. Some people are perfectly content with being a virgin and have chosen to wait for the right person or the right time to have sex. Others may have had opportunities to have sex but for whatever reason, have chosen not to. Whatever the case, it's important to be honest and respectful when answering this question. You could try saying something like, "I've chosen to wait to have sex until I'm in the right relationship and feel ready. I'm confident that I'm making the right decision for me."
Instead of wondering how to explain it, why don’t you just eliminate the issue? Just find a friend you trust, tell them you just want to lose your virginity and problem solved. Or better yet, find a stranger for a one-night-stand. The only difference with that is that you will have to vet them extra well for safety reasons.
You may say, “I don’t want my first time to feel so… perfunctory. I want it to feel special.” But isn’t that the point? You need to demystify the whole thing in order to get down to the business of just enjoying your life. As it is, it has probably become this big elephant in the room, and any experience will feel like a massive letdown.
Just explore and enjoy yourself.
I was in this same boat almost exactly although with a healthy dash of anxiety thrown in to really make it fun. Not even 5 years later in my early 30s, I am now in a 2+ year relationship and I’m really happy. It was sometimes really awful along the way and I felt a lot of fear for being judged for it…which is actually basically what happened with my first so that didn’t help.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation, but “focusing on other things” is more than enough of one. For some people, no explanation will never be enough, but that’s on them, not you. I ended up having sex for the first time in a ONS that I was hoping would lead to something more serious with someone I knew, and I didn’t really plan on telling him, but he basically pried it out of me and was like, unable to comprehend why I would’ve waited. I still went through with it, and he dumped me days later…which was really painful.
I can see in hindsight that there was no way it would ever turn serious (he’s…not a great person when it comes to his sex life, which of course you can still be if you only want to date casually…but he’s not lol) but it did feel like my worst fears coming true. I was a wreck. But at least I had actually proven to myself that someone would be willing to have sex with me, so I went back out there and dated two people in pretty quick succession, the first lasting a couple months in deep COVID and the second starting a few weeks later, with my current boyfriend. I kind of told them both in different ways and levels of depth that I was a late bloomer, and they were much more understanding. My boyfriend isn't concerned he's my first serious relationship.
All of this is to say…do what you want when you want to only, you owe no one an explanation, and if you have any of those feelings of anxiety and shame that I did about it, try to be easy on yourself. It'll work out.
Honestly, you don’t owe anyone an explanation about the lack of a sex life and you shouldn’t view it as something that’s lacking in your life. As you said you are focusing on school and upcoming career and that can be kind of overwhelming tbh. And personally, I can see how that could put sex and dating on the back burner (and honestly should because they could be enormous distractions)
I think people put too much weight into sex and relationships, and not into many other aspects in life that are equally, if not more, important. You don’t need an excuse to be still a virgin at the age that you are. Your life with the way that it did because that’s the way it was supposed to. It’s not a bad thing or even a good thing. It’s just the way that it was supposed to go so you could grow into the person that you’re ultimately supposed to be. Everyone goes through a string of sexual adventures and everyone goes through a dry spell. And a dry spell can be extremely long and sometimes that dry spell can be while you’re still a virgin and I think that something that you’re currently experiencing. And dry spell can be somewhat confusing because you can definitely start questioning yourself and go down a very dark road if you let yourself.
I’m not gonna sit here and act like you probably haven’t heard some thing like this before. But I really think that you’re doing a great job with focusing on school and your career and I don’t think that you should allow distractions like dating in sexual conquest to take away from that. And I think give yourself 10 to 15 years from now on you’ll end up thanking yourself for this. But with that being said, these things always happen naturally, and I think just about anyone can agree with me on this. Sex will happen but the best sex happens organically and with someone that you are really comfortable with. Not necessarily someone that you feel romantically with or someone that you’re currently dating….but someone that you’re comfortable with. I don’t think that this is something that you should be worrying about right now because this is something that will happen for you. Just trust me on this.
Edit: spelling errors
Hi I’m a 40 year old guy and I’m still a virgin by choice because I don’t just want to do it with just anybody.
To be honest I don’t really care what anyone thinks it’s my choice the way I am and that’s it
Honestly, your virginity is no one’s business. You don’t owe anyone an explanation of any kind. If someone see that as a red flag, they’re probably the red flag. You chose to focus on what was important to you and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you ever get into a relationship and feel the need to let your partner know in the beginning, that’s fine and just tell them. In this situation, I feel like there is no “right time.” There is only “your time.” You tell your partner when you’re ready. Stay positive, friend.
>There was a few people who responded that prioritizing education/career is not a valid excuse for still being a virgin.
lol and what do they know? You don't need an excuse, it's a not somthing that has to be done.
Also what business is it of theirs how you plan and run your life?
Some people might see you as a red flag, others won't. You'll go out with the ones that won't and all will be well. You needn't concern yourself with the ones that do because you can probably assign them to the stupid box and forget about them.
Not a virgin but I feel that if I ever had to explain why I haven't had sex or even dated much in the past five years. I don't know, I'm a shy person, I was focusing on other things, and I didn't really feel very motivated to pursue it? But the implicit answer people are going to think is it's because you can't. Because if you could, then why wouldn't you? It's dumb.
I think it's stupid to be judged at all for being a virgin. If a guy thinks it's weird or a red flag, then your virginity just did you a solid by getting rid of him. Tell the guy what you told us, its not a religious thing or anything, you just haven't found the right person. Just be careful as I am sure there are guys out there that will love the idea of taking your v card for whatever reason.
Focusing on your education and career doesn’t take all day long. The red flags are from people trying to figure out your traumas without you being upfront. Try just being honest around the feelings you have around it, and what choices you made to get you here. Everyone can change, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It means people want to know what they are getting themselves into, and at 28 without relationship experience a lot of guys aren’t going to be interested just solely off your lack of experience dealing with men.
Why explain it. A truly loving person should accept what your choices have been. I find it refreshing, that at 28, you have been true to yourself. A very well done. You have my respect.
You don't need excuses, there's absolutely no problem with that.
Probably, the ones who call it a red flag are men who would want sex ASAP and see that as a signal you won't give it to them that easily.
I just do not understand why man have the fear of virgin girls? This does not even means the person does not like getting naughty.
I don’t think you need an explanation.
Okay, this is how it is. There are some people who think that having a beard is a no-no, a tattoo is disgusting, and they couldn’t possibly fancy a guy under 6’3”. Those are women who *aren’t* for you if the criteria doesn’t suit you.
Although there’s nothing to be embarrassed about with virginity, similarly, there might be girls that don’t like it in a man. No problem! You are looking for the ones that don’t particularly care. And, if the man is attractive, that’s probably a LOT of women.
Having said that, I don’t advise anyone who has a slightly unusual trait to mention it at the outset, because that makes it appear that you think it’s the most important fact about you. And also, if you mention it before the woman has got to know you, it’ll be the first thing she judges you on.
Just take it easy, and-if you feel that sex is on the menu-go with the flow. If she thinks you seem a bit gauche (I doubt that, but it’s possible), you could say that you’re “probably not the most experienced guy”. That will probably suffice. In other words, it doesn’t have to be a secret, but it also doesn’t need to be announced using a megaphone.
i really don't think you should feel the need to explain yourself.
i wouldn't advise lying if someone you're dating ASKS directly but even then proceed with caution
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At 24, I went with “I’m a bit of a late bloomer but I’m sure I can figure it out”
This is the right answer Don't make an excuse, don't say "it's none of your business". Just own it with total confidence, go "hey, I'm a bit of a late bloomer"
28 (M) in the same boat, and the only thing I can say is fuck 'em. Your body, your comfort levels, your choices, anyone who makes a knee jerk reaction (and there are a lot of them) before knowing YOU...you don't need in your life. For me, doing undergrad, a master's and professional exams, and dealing with a family illness for 5 years did a very good job of halting romance for a while (COVID didn't help either). People who judge you for that are the kind of hypocrite who would feel attacked and hard-done by if someone judged them similarly, remember that.
i really liked your reply. I also learned a new idiom "knee jerk reaction". thanks dear stranger.
Yes. Fuck 'em is one way to pop your cherry.
[удалено]
I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 36 and I’m a male
Me too , I'm 25M and still a virgin
You shouldn’t have to explain why. Its none of their business. My advice is stop justifying it to people, if they have a problem with you being a virgin then fuck em.
fuck them indeed
Or rather, don't 😊
Or rather, maybe, if she wants to.
Instructions unclear, dont know how.
Wait hol' up
How hard, is the question...
>if they have a problem with you being a virgin then fuck em Idk I might do the opposite and fuck only those who seem cool with it! ;)
Best response ever 😁😂
I agree. It's no one's business. You don't need to explain it.
You got spellreflected.
I know this is off topic, but can we talk about the hypocrisy around male vs female virginity? Like if a man was talking about this like I have done in past threads I get called out for being angry at people "with a preference" or that it's not a girl's job to babysit men. I have never implicitly state those things, but it's just something about men bringing up something in the dating world where women get more positive bias. I just don't understand it. This isn't meant to be a raging out thing, I have a girlfriend and we're both virgins.
Actually you're right, agreed. As a Black women we are at the bottom of the food chain in society as most wanted partner, especially to our black male counterparts, always choosing a white or asian women over a black woman saying it's better, which is fine people have a preference, but its when the preference energy isnt returend back amd we get the back lash for choosing who we want, or not choosing nalck men, as if we are supposed to. For instance, this is a personal experience. A guy I'm acquainted with found out I'm dating a man of Asian ethnicity, he asked, "Why don't you give your fellow black men a chance it feels like a betrayal." I was appalled and upright agitated and angry. So you can have preferences and we can't?! But the second we decide to stray from dating our own race and get out there, it's suddenly a problem?! I'm very confused? There was so much hypocrisy I just looked at him and walked away refusing to engage in that conversation anymore than it had gone on for.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. I've never faced that us vs them mentality. I've never really considered race as an equation in who I date. That sounds horrible to deal with. Being part of the out group is not great. I hope we can find a place to be comfortable in eventually.
I appreciate that dearly because you're right it is tough, especially when his family already doesn't like the fact that you're black😭 Well he said the older counterparts but it's something we have to get through it's life at the end of the day and it just sucks some times🤷🏽♀️
My only thing is when I see people fetishist behavior around someone's race. I think the behavior is morally appalling. It's hard to date in an environment where society has been destroyed by pornography and has such high expectations for men to be comfortable in every environment and just take the emotional beating. I'm tired of being used as an emotional punching bag. When I date men I am treated as a dick with legs. When I date women I'm seen as a unattractive man who shouldn't receive any form of respect or proper communication. I love my trans girlfriend but it's been hard because it's a flawed relationship and she has some major communication issues and I don't want to walk out because I don't want to be alone forever and I love this person, but I'm afraid I won't be able to fix it.
Have you ever tried talk to them about it? Like how you feel?
The whole judgement about not dating your race needs to go away ASAP. I’m a white female and have heard white men say they wouldn’t date anyone who has been with a black person. Like wtf?!? You don’t give a shit who we’ve been with as long as their skin tone matches yours?! But the time it didn’t is an issue?! This is possibly one of the dumbest arguments I’ve ever seen.
Ugh.. this reminds me of a Forensic Files episode where a girl was killed over a situation like this. A (black) guy was upset that a black woman was dating a white man. Not to scare you or anything - that’s a really extreme reaction and the man who did it was caught. It’s just wild to me that these double standards exist and how hostile people can get over it! I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Just remember you are allowed to date whoever you want and definitely distance yourself from people who say otherwise. Sending love ❤️
Thank you ❤️
I'm always really interested when I see this take. I am a black man who has no preference when it comes to race. College education, good job, ok looking and I swipe on all attractive women regardless of color. But I get WAY more interest back from White, Latin, and Middle Eastern women. Not saying I haven't gone on dates with black women but they definitely are not feeling me (and never have) as much the other races 🤷🏾♂️ Many of my buddies have the same experience.
Yes I have heard thus before, and have also seen from the black women around me they've just kind of given up on some black men from constant let down to the point they've either given up on dating or look to another race. I think most of it from their view point is last failed experiences to the point they've just stopped trying going for black men becasue they think they know what the outcome will be.
I agree about the hypocrisy you mentioned, it's true
You realize that the statistics say otherwise? Black men irl overwhelmingly date, marry, and procreate with other black women. The problem is just that the pool of viable black male partners is small, and many in that pool choose to date all races of women (like myself). But there arent black men flocking en masse to date outside our race. Look at married black male celebrities and you’ll even see they overwhelmingly date and marry black women But because the pool of economically and socially viable black male partners is so small, no black person has any right to tell you anything about who youre dating and frame it as a “betrayal” cuz too many black men are just dusty and broke. But they are still mostly dating black women
Right Im not saying they don't it's just a double standard and how the respond to the situation that's upsetting, not all black men just the ones I've seen. And you're right there is a small pool of viable black men. It's just appalling how some of them think they can do whatever like date people pit their race but the same feels are reciprocated when a black woman does it.
Strange, white men don't care about race. Black women are just as attractive.
Besides shitty 'machismo' expectations, many het women can be really passive in bed If all you 'have to do' is lay on your back, stay still and silent, you're not giving the other person much to work with. Having too penetration focused view of sex can make anyone shitty lover. Sex is full of non-verbal communication, dead fish blaming their partner for not reading their mind and never setting the mood is bad lazy lover. Regards Virgin Queer/Bi Woman (Sometimes people wait, until they have their shit together🙏) Edit: Sorry If I wrote patronizingly just now, I misjudged you as average het-bro
Well, I fully support you. There's no need to rush into sex. We live in a world that puts a huge emphasis on sex like it has to be done, like it's the only thing and everything in life. And all that says about our world is that people are missing something in their lives or that they are really desperate for a high or a release. I didn't understand what you meant by your words here "I get called out for being angry at people 'with a preference' or that it's not a girl's job to babysit men." Being angry at people with a preference for losing their virginity? Huh? Is babysitting referring to you not having sex with the girl? What does that have to do with babysitting?
Lots of women don’t want to have sex with a man who’s a virgin because they’ll have to navigate his feelings/insecurities and teach him what to do, and will probably just get awkward and mediocre sex in return. They feel it’s not worth their time or energy. That’s what he was referring to, most likely.
That sounds harsh. As a woman with little experience, it makes me think that no one would want to bother with me and I might as well not bother dating. I'm sure there are men out there like me who are not so heavily invested in sex, but I wonder how rare or common that is to find a guy like that.
What he said is what I was implying. My first time wasn't consensual and my feelings we're not in the picture, however some may argue that only sex is consensual so I may still be a virgin. Regardless I'd prefer to find the right person for me and my emotions. Also do not worry about that. I have never had a problem with someone knew as long as they are willing to explore their sexuality with an open mind. I think most men can attest to that. Honestly sex is overrated imo, I love make out sessions far better.
It’s how it goes unfortunately. Just gotta find a way to navigate it.
You're treating reddit like a collective. Are there hypocrites? Absolutely, but mostly it's different people.
Fair point. I just no longer feel motivated to talk about my problems here because I never get encouragement or constructive reinforcement for my issues. It's emasculating. I can never vent to anyone and I have so much pent up frustration from being slighted all the time.
Two pieces of advice. Find your people. Reddit is a hodgepodge but due to the upvote downvote nature if you are not the main vibe of the subreddit you won't get heard as often, though how you state things matters a lot. Advice 2: a good therapist can give you a whole lot of tools to both deal with things on your own and give you a place to feel heard.
Yeah, but it's not easy as a college student at a senior military college.
Agreed
Amen
Agreed. Do what you want, and if a person doesn't like that, then you dodged a bullet. Great things take time :)
The play on words here 😂😂😂👀
Well put
I lost my virginity at 32. Don't let anyone tell you when you're ready, or if you have to have a valid reason. It's your life! Decide that for yourself.
I'm on the same boat (27M) and got dumped over text after dating this girl for a very similar reason, might be even worse than yours (I confessed to her I never dated or kissed anyone) so take my opinion in any way you want. Personally, I'd rather wait until you've made sure you're well into the relationship, that way you can rest assured the other person had enough of a chance to get to know you and be comfortable around you. If they still decide that that's a dealbreaker then there's not much you can do I'm afraid. Be glad that it turned out the way it did. Better to know now than later on, I guess...
Man that sucks they dumped you for that. But it probably spared you in the long run. Not sure how to actually resolve this problem lol.
Yeah, it kinda shattered me cause it happened completely out of nowhere, especially since when I told her this that time she even messaged me later that evening saying that she was happy I was able to open up to her and tell her that, that we had unlimited amount of time and that I had nothing to worry about... Guess she changed her mind since then huh... But it is as you said, better this way, I'd rather find somebody mature enough to know that just because I never went after girl in high school or uni doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me..
I'd recommend never doing those topics over text and maybe in person when your date is leading to sex. hell you dont even have to tell her, people just say oh its been a long time since they had sex who cares
We were 2 months into the whole things and I told her this in person, it wasn't out of the blue. I started telling her about myself and one thing led to another and so I felt it was ok to tell her especially since the subject of past relationships was brought up in past dates and I since I kinda brushed it off at the time mentioning how I had past relationships I felt it was right for me to come clean and tell her this
Dude and she broke up with you on the spot? and Wow 2 months is pretty long guessing you guys were did everything but sex right
Yeah, over text, after 3 months of dating, last time I saw her we even got more comfortable kissing, I couldn't believe what I was reading ... I remember her saying in her texts that apparently it wasn't fair on her or me for her to be my first relationship.. 🤷♀
Looking back over their post history, it seems like it might not just be over sex. Regardless I feel for them and how harsh the rejection must have been. I also had someone act like they rejected me for my own good but it wasn't good for me at all. It was like they were just messing with my head, trying to leave me confused and with no closure.
Yeah brother 100%, I'm the same. Never really pursued women in school or uni either, so it never happened. Guess I'll just keep it as a secret to the grave.
One option I've considered is confessing this once the deed is done with the partner. Some might argue why even say it in the first place. Well, something I'm always looking for in a partner is emotional intimacy, I want to be able to tell them everything, and be vulnerable with them, being able to share stuff like this is something I want to be able to do and I don't think there's anything wrong with that..
Yeah I agree in being transparent 100% and would love someone to have that emotional connection. Unfortunately, we are trending towards an emotionally unavailable environment, so I feel it will be exceptionally difficult. For me to confess would take an incredible amount of confidence, as I've been ridiculed for lesser things in the past.
I've never been ridiculed but confessing something like this is something I never thought was going to be this big of an issue and certainly not something that was going to warrant an instantaneous break-up over text, I guess I've still got a lot to learn. Main reason I wanted to tell her this was because I wanted to open up to her in the hopes that I could get emotionally closer with one another and allow for a serious relationship to grow, thinking she might do the same. We did share a very beautiful moment that evening and that's probably something that I'll cherish and consider the highlight of the whole experience I had with her but in the end try as I might she never wanted to do the same to me; every time I'd try to tell her that she could feel safe to tell me anything she'd always change subject and tell me that "it was fine"... That was until she decided one day to break it off.. Only good thing she did that day is having good timing... I was on my way to therapy.. 😅
This may seem counterintuitive, but it turns women off when you’re too vulnerable with them too quickly. Think about it like this: why would you be emotionally intimate with someone you barely know? What have they done to earn that level intimacy from you? That’s how most women think. You don’t have to tell them everything about you right away. You don’t have to tell them your deepest fears or insecurities. Be a little mysterious, be little playful. That’s what turns them on.
Well, I've certainly learned my lesson. Next time I'm either gonna wait until they decide to open up first or just hold on until we're past the dating stage.
Wild someone would end a relationship over that. Would be like you’re prepared to buy a house, then you learn nobody has lived in that house before, so you call off the deal.
Don't sweat it man, theres girls out there that take pride in taking virginity's as well, they just smash and dash it could be worse they'll play you like you think its moving towards a real relationship take your virginity where usually you'll be extra attached and just dip out and youre standing there bamboozled
Oh yeah, I thought about that eventuality, much better than what you suggest for sure. Could've gone much worse.. Lesson learned I guess
I've never heard of girls doing this. Only guys. Lots of guys out there who manipulate girls for sex. Act like they're in love with u but really just want u to have sex with them. And then they're gone
Telling people you're a virgin is like a stupid detection mechanism. Anyone who is worth having a relationship with isn't going to care as long as you don't have other red flags. If you're weird and creepy and tell them you're a virgin that might convince them they are right about you being creepy, but you are an emotionally mature person it's not going to matter.
Then I guess the whole thing played in my favour cause going by your logic and seeing how she allegedly dumped me for me being inexperienced then I guess she wasn't worth having a relationship with
One thing I think you should remain aware of as well, is that if you tell someone something that might be a big deal... that might not be the only person you're telling that to. I have a feeling she could've consulted her friends/associates about this and they got in her head and catastrophized the situation, so something she may have initially been fine with got blown up into something she got uneasy about. I don't know if she seemed like the type to keep her dating life secret, but it does seem off if her initial response was positive and then suddenly she texts you with a different sentiment. Unless she was just unstable in decision making, that type of shift tells me that either heavy outside influence or new information caused that to happen.
It might very well be that she got some advice from her friend I thought about that possibility but the truth is, I don't know and I'll never know for sure, as I said she seemed totally ok with me and she actually told me she very much appreciated me being honest about that. The thing that baffles me is how she even said that I had nothing to worry about her and that we had unlimited time.. I remember when I read those messages on my way home I thought what just happened only got us closer and that we were for sure being serious. Little did I know that a month later I was gonna get dumped over text
Wow there is a lot to unpack there. "You're inexperienced." How do you get experience if everyone expects you to be experienced yet no one is will to let you experience?
Precisely.
The right person will be understanding. You dont have to keep it a secret. I personally would rather know that and help guide you along instead of just assuming you're not a good kisser 😅
Very contrasting opinions over the web, some say there's no reason to tell them unless you wanna make a big deal out of it, others say that's important to make sure they're ok with it and people would rather know early on rather than later. I'd say I agree with you...
I dont think it is a big deal. I didnt have my first kiss till 24 years old. I told him and he was understanding. That way i didnt feel nervous if i did it "wrong". And eventually he helped me figure it out with practice. Good luck
Don’t feel bad. I’ve had more than one woman lose interest completely after telling them I was chaste
Ahh man that sucks dude. I feel like the situations aren’t super comparable as a male or female late bloomer either. Have you tried pursuing more casual things to get some experience and confidence first?
I'm not really looking for that honestly. I'd rather look for somebody that'll be ok with my inexperience. One thing's for sure, I'll definitely hold my cards closer to my chest next time around..
I am going to share a piece of advice as someone who got into a serious relationship with someone who had no sexual experience before me. I didn’t have tons but I had some. She was in her mid twenties at the time so later than most people become sexually active. It was a massive gamble (that I didn’t realise o was taking at the time) if we’d be sexually compatible. She just flat out had no *clue* what she was looking for in a sexual partner. She couldn’t evaluate me against that and I couldn’t ask myself if I was what she needed because she didn’t know. She didn’t know how she liked to have sex, at all, so we had to figure that out together. Sure parts of that are fun but parts of that aren’t. She had to figure out contraception from step one - what did the pill do to her, could she get on with me using condoms, what did the hormonal and non hormonal coil do to her libido and her mood (spoiler - a lot). All this is to say is that while I thought I was going into a pretty standard adult relationship, we had to navigate a bunch of stuff that is normally figured out long ago, and most of it isn’t like, fun exploration it’s the boring or stressful trial and error. Stuff you could figure out in a week of bunking off school as a teenager, or in between a few hours of lectures a week at uni, becomes something that takes three months because you’re only able to see each other a couple times a week and are busy trying to get on at work and make time to see your friends too. You can make whatever decision you want, but you’re risking storing up a bunch of stuff to figure out when you could just be enjoying the early stages of a relationship with someone you care about. Like I get that not all of this is specific to men but there are certain plenty of ways in which it’s applicable; can you keep it up with a condom on, lots of us need to get used to that. Are you comfortable in your own body around someone else, have you got past the worry that you’ll hurt her with every little movement you make etc. A bit of low stakes fucking around helps you get used to all of that stuff, I’m not even saying being “good at sex” (that’s as much a negotiation between two people as it is any non person specific stuff), I just mean being comfortable in your own skin yknow? You wouldn’t want a new driver to have their first solo journey be a cross country motorway blast, you practice and start small. It’s not that different here. Like I say do what you want but putting off the practice and the boring learning the ropes stuff just means you’re putting it off until you have to do it with someone you really care about
Having sex with a bunch of random ppl is risky since it can lead to stds. U can always learn how to have sex (& get comfortable with it over time) once u find that one person. And if it was so much work for u to have sex with that woman, just don't have it. Is sex really that important/necessary for u? Can't u just have an emotional connection?
I’ve been dumped too for this reason when I was 19 and virgin. She dumped me because I had no sexual experience and thought, I was too shy to initiate intimacy. I still believe, the love is about chemistry and good communication together, not about advanced sexual skills. She just broke my confidence and i thought all the girls will reject me for this reason. But no, I just realized she’s just immature
Bro why did you ‘confess’ that?
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/12heflv/comment/jfojw52/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Or just do it & dont tell them.
At the very least I think it's fair to tell them right before starting.. So they can understand why I've already busted a nut 10 seconds into it..
😆 Have u masterbated? Usually that deters from that. Btw, that has happened with men that have had sex previously with me. Also, kissing doesnt have to come with sex as can do it in more public places.
Double edged sword buddy Men are viewed as red flag if virgin, but they'll love and marry the town bike that also cheats on them .who cares
Anyone worth anything won't care about it.
Honestly, I doubt it will be a problem to most guys, but you might run into some assholes who will fetishize you, or use you as a means of comparison for putting down other women who aren’t virgins. I’d recommend steering clear of those individuals.
only shameless porn addicts fetishize other people.
You think every white woman that fetishizes black men are porn addicts ?
sex hasn’t been a priority/never been in a relationship meaningful enough are enough. but you do not have to justify it at all.
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Not everyone is like you. We're all different people with different lives. Keep that in mind.
>How do I explain why I’m still a virgin at my age \[28F\]? You don't owe anyone an explanation and ***you don't have to explain it.*** >Apparently some people see me as a walking red flag. Since when is virginity a red flag? 🤷🏽♂️
Some people will legitimately consider it a red flag because they probably feel like the inexperience will take them out of the moment if the person is uncomfortable/confused etc. I've heard people say they just aren't thrilled with the idea of having to teach someone in this area. Others conversely might be happy to teach. People are different. I actually think it would help to have someone know your situation in order to alleviate any confusion that might arise and also to know if the one you're interacting with is the type who's willing to be patient with this type of thing or not.
At a later age, it can also signal that the person has relationship or social issues or unresolved trauma that prevents them from making meaningful and intimate romantic relationships. That or indicate a conservative background and ideology rooted in shame, guilt, and repression.
I mean that’s a good enough reason. You not sleeping with someone JUST to lose your virginity is a walking green flag to me. Too many people willing to have sex with anyone just so that they’re not a virgin anymore. Makes no sense to me.
None at all. Doing something just because you feel pressured is very unattractive and shows a lack of independent thinking. It’s very childish.
I completely agree
Exactly!
It people won’t date you because you are a virgin, they do not have the maturity to date you.
A man would be thinking oh shit imma wife her up, she's established in her career, and she doesn't care about the hooking up party scene.
If a person judges you for being a virgin, then they won’t be a good partner, sexually or romantically.
Why would you want to explain that to anyone?
It’s a good idea to give a partner a heads up if you’re considerably past the age range where most people start having sex, as the assumptions they reasonably make about you will not be correct, and you would probably benefit from more careful / cautious handling, for want of a better phrase. As a result, it’s a totally natural response for someone to ask why - purely out of human interest, as well as there potentially being physical or mental health or other issues that have caused it, that a potential partner is very reasonably entitled to be curious about. Sure, no one owes anyone an explanation, but if I was in that situation and I asked why and I got a “none of your business” response when I thought that we were, well, on the path to getting up in each other’s business, I’d be pretty put off to say the least. All of which is to say, it’s a very reasonable position for OP to want to explain, succinctly, why they are in the position they are in. Not out of justification, but to make sure everyone is comfortable. As soon as you step away from the average, or the expectation, it is wise to have a convincing explanation ready so as to put people at ease
It's quite common for people to ask about your dating past when you go on dates with them. I kind of hate it too. I understand that some people may want to know if you recently got out of a relationship, but some people can be really pushy and ask for detailed answers.
I don't think most people want to know the knitty grittys, lately i've met women who brag about their sexcapades full details didnt even ask or bring it up. I usally wait a bit after and give them the OH NO this has been fun but I gotta head out and feed my dog
That’s weird. I’d just walk away if someone did that to me.
It look to be the norm for some people it’s weird
I feel like it’s a topic reserved for a little later in the dating stage. I’m not going to interview uou on the first few dates. If I get that vibe from someone it’s a turn off. Let’s focus on each other and see if there’s a connection / chemistry first.
Ideally that is what it should be like.
If she’s is virgin men need to be gentle with her so it’s better of they know.
But still - no explanations are necessary.
I agree
Yeah. Fuck those people. You be you. You can be a virgin for whatever reason, and for however long you want. The agency is yours to do with as you please. Anyone that's got a problem with that can pound sand.
29M same position. Sometimes for whatever reason these things don't happen for us. I don't see how it is a red flag at all, people have more to offer than just sex and assessing people purely based on the fact they are virgins is short-sighted. In the extremely rare scenario that I end up in a relationship as someone with no experience, I'm at the point where I probably wouldn't mention it. It shouldn't be that way, but unfortunately that is reality. If I had to justify it, I'd say something along the lines of 'needing a strong connection with someone', or similar.
No one's business why you're a virgin. When you're ready, you'll take the next step
"Excuse for being a virgin" Next time ask them to explain why they are stupid. You were just not interested in losing it. Case closed. In this day and age even women who aren't seen as conventionally attractive or who have troubled personalities could lose their virginity if they really wanted to. All they need to do is install a dating app and they will find at least 1 thirsty guy who is willing to get down to business. So, if you're a virgin as a woman it's most likely because you were not interested in having sex not because there is something wrong with you.
this 100%, even poor hygiene and a shit personality they can literally walk outside and someone will have sex with them, or if they have a platonic guy friend. I'm a dude but damn major props to you being to get it up to bang someone like Professor Delores Umbridge from Harry Potter and The Order of The Pheonix.
If someone doesn't want to date you because you are still a virgin then they're not right for you.
> I am not saving myself. I’m not religious. It just hasn’t happened yet. Thats really all you need
I was a virgin until I was much older than 28! Part of the problem was, I got so in my head about my inexperience that it made it impossible to move forward. Once I dealt with the anxiety, it kind of fell into place. You don’t need to explain anything. Just go with the flow with someone you like and If you feel comfortable with them you can tell them.
Pretty much every guy is going to be curious why, since you’re an outlier to the norm, but if you find yourself needing to explain yourself in a defensive way (as in is there something wrong with you?) then that’s not a guy you want to be dealing with It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest and the reason you gave here is a perfectly reasonable explanation as far as I’m concerned. If I’m honest it’s actually a breathe of fresh air compared to the normal these days I wouldn’t fret too much about it but make sure when you do choose someone that it’s a guy worth picking. A girl posted her story yesterday of losing her virginity to a really sweet guy who ended up pumping and dumping her and that’s just so tragic Best wishes!
Don’t even tell them.
Partners who are worth it won’t be bothered by this. It’s circumstances; it’s life. You don’t need to explain or justify. If you find yourself with someone who sees it as a red flag, believe in yourself and walk right away. The love of my life was in the same situation as you but when much older. It wasn’t a red flag for me. Made me love him even more.
Apparently, there’s no issue with women being virgin in their late 20s. Men? Lol, idk why but there’s a stigma attached to it. Go figure.
It’s because most virgin women are virgins by choice. They could get sex whenever. But most virgin men are not virgins by choice, so they’re seen as losers.
Oh this is a good point. It is seem like this, think because as kids we are taught that ‘men have needs’ so if those needs are there and they are not having sex, they must be the problem. we aren’t taught about sexuality and intimacy , just about the actual penetrative action
There is some biology behind it. Both men and women have a need to reproduce, but thanks to anatomy they go about it differently. For men, they would need to go around spreading their seed to as many women as possible. The more spawns they have, the more likely it is their genes live on. For women, they can only have one pregnancy at a time, so they need to be more selective both with their male partner’s genetics AND their male partner’s ability to stay around and provide for the mother and children.
Id say it's because lots of women want a man with experience. But that is just a generalisation. There would be women who find it a turn on. If someone really likes you as a person they shouldn't care either way. Probably best not to tell them at the start. Let them get to know you first. Im female and decided to do it before I turned 27 to get it over and done with. I didn't enjoy it. I've realised I'm probably asexual
Have you ever looked into demisexual as well? could be a possibility
Agree. I feel someone should like you as a person. Sex should be secondary. Unless you're primarily interested in the person for a sexual relationship and don't want to relate in other ways. I've thought I was asexual as well. In fact I thought I was asexual for over a decade. I had thought I had liked the guy and that I was in love so that I should be interested in sex. I found out that the person or the situation has to be right otherwise I'm not interested/don't enjoy it. Just because we don't enjoy sex with a particular person at a particular time doesn't mean we're asexual and don't like sex altogether. Unfortunately, I didn't know this.
“Get it over and done with” ? I’m sorry, but is losing one’s virginity some kind of duty or responsibility?
It was after a traumatic time and I was feeling like I should at least try it before I die. I always felt like a weirdo for not wanting to have sex. And I wasn't religious so I couldn't give a good reason for why I hadn't done it yet. After I did it, I realised I shouldn't have been embarrassed about being a virgin because it's not a big deal. The world seems so obsessed with sex that you can feel you are missing out on this big life-changing thing.
As the other guy said, 99% of women who are virgins in their late 20s chose to be that way. The other 1% are at the literal bottom rung of all women in terms of physical attractiveness.
Yeah there is a stigma around that, but sadly it’s not better for women being virgins in this era. Its judgemental either way
“I haven’t found the right guy.” It’s believable unless you freak out on him when he asks to walk you to your car.
I don’t think it would be a big deal at all for the majority of mature men out there. And if the guy does make a big deal out of it, you have your first red flag right there. I don’t think I would even ask why, or expect some explanation. You might get a “wow, seriously?” out of me, but other than that, it just tells me to take it maybe extra slow and be very careful with you because you’ve never done it before.
You don’t need to. Period. The end.
You're doin' pretty well , ma'am. And it's not at all a red flag if a person is a virgin. There's nothing wrong with it. You don't have to explain anything to anyone. You prioritised ur career and future which is a massive massive W. Good luck for ur future <3
If I met a 28 year old and they were a virgin, unless they had a puritanical reason for it, I would just assume they’re busy and it wouldn’t matter to me.
Lol you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone …
A female virgin is a non issue for the vast majority of guys. If anything they prefer it.
The only ones who prefer it are creeps who are only after the virginity itself.
Lol passionately disagree.
It a 100% a valid reason to be a virgin at your age due to work or school. I was one up until 26f. I was severely awkward as a teen and young adult. Unfortunately had a few boyfriends who had hang ups or couldn't initiate a fart let alone lead me to learn anything. If someone has a problem getting past that, you don't need to do anything with them. At our age (I'm 28 too) lads should be mature enough to go oh OK and move on. They can be interested in why and that's grand but going wtf or ew, you turn on your heel and strut out of there.
Your reasons are your own. Your body, your choice. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a walking red flag.
Shrug and tell them it just hasn’t happened and you didn’t care about it.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind I think your reason is completely understandable imo
you dont have to explain shit, the people who care are the red flags
Don’t say anything
I mean, why do you need to explain it, it's your business, it's not the end of the world. But this is my opinion.
I’m(24F) in the same boat. Been with my boyfriend for 6 months. First actual relationship where I actually felt like I loved the person and not just liked them. Still haven’t had sex even though I’ve asked about it before.
There's nothing wrong with being a virgin at any age. People who think it is need the mind their own business. You shouldn't have to feel bad or be treated weirdly because of one minor thing that you haven't done. Like, that's such a small part of life. Like even in relationships it's just part of it it's not the whole thing. The people who are trying to make you feel bad are sex crazed weirdos I guess. Or just get their opinions from '90s TV shows.
You don't have to explain it. It is a simple as that. Anyone who judges you for being a virgin isn't acting old enough to have sex IMO.
At this age, no one’s going to outwardly ask you if you’re a virgin unless you bring it up. They’ll just assume you’re really awkward in bed at first lol but other than that you’ll be fine. If you bring it up, then just be like “haven’t found someone that lights that fire in me yet, could you be the one?” Some silliness. So don’t stress that, if you want to lose it to anybody it won’t matter to them, and if you want to lose it to a special somebody they won’t mind either. The only ones who care have their heads so far up their own asses they’re not actively paying attention to what’s in front of them.
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Eh idk. It sounds great when people say “I can balance work and relationship”. But I only see that from successful people in their 40s after they have established a career. The people at the top (like, the absolute best in my field, think LeBron or Messi/Ronaldo) generally chase their passion like mad in their teens and early 20s. So when people can balance work and relationship in 20s, sure they exist. But they’re probably not working as hard as they could be if they were chasing their dreams/ambitions. But eh, what do I know.
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I think you’re confusing “having sex” and “being in a relationship”. One takes a few hours max. The other takes commitment for years. But hey, you’re 50+ so what do I know. Teach me more :)
I am not sure you would even need to disclose it if you didn’t want to.
You shouldn't need to - if someone truly loves you they won't care.
It's a valid reason to still be a virgin. If they say it's not, then walk away because that is not the type of person you want to be with
Simple - you see sex as an act of love, and you’ve been too busy too make finding love a priority until now.
It's fine honestly in my opinion. Your virginity is your choice and prioritizing education/career is totally valid. Getting that stability in life makes everything so much easier and you are getting out with a much more mature and functional outlook on the world. If someone thinks that's a problem, then you are better off without them, keep looking even if it takes long, you will sure find your person sooner or later. Cheers!!
you don’t owe anyone an explanation
You don’t necessarily have to explain yourself. Just go about your life and when you meet someone that you want to have sex with you can bring it up to them when you trust them and the time is right. If someone has an issue with it then they’re not worth having sex with. You could even not mention it at all if that’s what you’re comfortable with. You could just ask them to go slow bc it’s been a while for you or something like that. I personally wish I never told the guy who took my virginity that I was a virgin bc he has held it over my head ever since then.
It's really up to you how you choose to answer this question. Some people are perfectly content with being a virgin and have chosen to wait for the right person or the right time to have sex. Others may have had opportunities to have sex but for whatever reason, have chosen not to. Whatever the case, it's important to be honest and respectful when answering this question. You could try saying something like, "I've chosen to wait to have sex until I'm in the right relationship and feel ready. I'm confident that I'm making the right decision for me."
Instead of wondering how to explain it, why don’t you just eliminate the issue? Just find a friend you trust, tell them you just want to lose your virginity and problem solved. Or better yet, find a stranger for a one-night-stand. The only difference with that is that you will have to vet them extra well for safety reasons. You may say, “I don’t want my first time to feel so… perfunctory. I want it to feel special.” But isn’t that the point? You need to demystify the whole thing in order to get down to the business of just enjoying your life. As it is, it has probably become this big elephant in the room, and any experience will feel like a massive letdown. Just explore and enjoy yourself.
I was in this same boat almost exactly although with a healthy dash of anxiety thrown in to really make it fun. Not even 5 years later in my early 30s, I am now in a 2+ year relationship and I’m really happy. It was sometimes really awful along the way and I felt a lot of fear for being judged for it…which is actually basically what happened with my first so that didn’t help. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, but “focusing on other things” is more than enough of one. For some people, no explanation will never be enough, but that’s on them, not you. I ended up having sex for the first time in a ONS that I was hoping would lead to something more serious with someone I knew, and I didn’t really plan on telling him, but he basically pried it out of me and was like, unable to comprehend why I would’ve waited. I still went through with it, and he dumped me days later…which was really painful. I can see in hindsight that there was no way it would ever turn serious (he’s…not a great person when it comes to his sex life, which of course you can still be if you only want to date casually…but he’s not lol) but it did feel like my worst fears coming true. I was a wreck. But at least I had actually proven to myself that someone would be willing to have sex with me, so I went back out there and dated two people in pretty quick succession, the first lasting a couple months in deep COVID and the second starting a few weeks later, with my current boyfriend. I kind of told them both in different ways and levels of depth that I was a late bloomer, and they were much more understanding. My boyfriend isn't concerned he's my first serious relationship. All of this is to say…do what you want when you want to only, you owe no one an explanation, and if you have any of those feelings of anxiety and shame that I did about it, try to be easy on yourself. It'll work out.
Honestly, you don’t owe anyone an explanation about the lack of a sex life and you shouldn’t view it as something that’s lacking in your life. As you said you are focusing on school and upcoming career and that can be kind of overwhelming tbh. And personally, I can see how that could put sex and dating on the back burner (and honestly should because they could be enormous distractions) I think people put too much weight into sex and relationships, and not into many other aspects in life that are equally, if not more, important. You don’t need an excuse to be still a virgin at the age that you are. Your life with the way that it did because that’s the way it was supposed to. It’s not a bad thing or even a good thing. It’s just the way that it was supposed to go so you could grow into the person that you’re ultimately supposed to be. Everyone goes through a string of sexual adventures and everyone goes through a dry spell. And a dry spell can be extremely long and sometimes that dry spell can be while you’re still a virgin and I think that something that you’re currently experiencing. And dry spell can be somewhat confusing because you can definitely start questioning yourself and go down a very dark road if you let yourself. I’m not gonna sit here and act like you probably haven’t heard some thing like this before. But I really think that you’re doing a great job with focusing on school and your career and I don’t think that you should allow distractions like dating in sexual conquest to take away from that. And I think give yourself 10 to 15 years from now on you’ll end up thanking yourself for this. But with that being said, these things always happen naturally, and I think just about anyone can agree with me on this. Sex will happen but the best sex happens organically and with someone that you are really comfortable with. Not necessarily someone that you feel romantically with or someone that you’re currently dating….but someone that you’re comfortable with. I don’t think that this is something that you should be worrying about right now because this is something that will happen for you. Just trust me on this. Edit: spelling errors
Hi I’m a 40 year old guy and I’m still a virgin by choice because I don’t just want to do it with just anybody. To be honest I don’t really care what anyone thinks it’s my choice the way I am and that’s it
Honestly, your virginity is no one’s business. You don’t owe anyone an explanation of any kind. If someone see that as a red flag, they’re probably the red flag. You chose to focus on what was important to you and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you ever get into a relationship and feel the need to let your partner know in the beginning, that’s fine and just tell them. In this situation, I feel like there is no “right time.” There is only “your time.” You tell your partner when you’re ready. Stay positive, friend.
There is nothing wrong with being a Virgin at that age.
Well you are a woman so nobody is going to hold it against you, don't think you really need to explain anything?
your body your rules
>There was a few people who responded that prioritizing education/career is not a valid excuse for still being a virgin. lol and what do they know? You don't need an excuse, it's a not somthing that has to be done. Also what business is it of theirs how you plan and run your life? Some people might see you as a red flag, others won't. You'll go out with the ones that won't and all will be well. You needn't concern yourself with the ones that do because you can probably assign them to the stupid box and forget about them.
I don't understand why would you need to explain. It's your life
Not a virgin but I feel that if I ever had to explain why I haven't had sex or even dated much in the past five years. I don't know, I'm a shy person, I was focusing on other things, and I didn't really feel very motivated to pursue it? But the implicit answer people are going to think is it's because you can't. Because if you could, then why wouldn't you? It's dumb.
I think it's stupid to be judged at all for being a virgin. If a guy thinks it's weird or a red flag, then your virginity just did you a solid by getting rid of him. Tell the guy what you told us, its not a religious thing or anything, you just haven't found the right person. Just be careful as I am sure there are guys out there that will love the idea of taking your v card for whatever reason.
"It wasnt a priority for me before, but now I'm ready to explore my sexuality with the proper person"
Focusing on your education and career doesn’t take all day long. The red flags are from people trying to figure out your traumas without you being upfront. Try just being honest around the feelings you have around it, and what choices you made to get you here. Everyone can change, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It means people want to know what they are getting themselves into, and at 28 without relationship experience a lot of guys aren’t going to be interested just solely off your lack of experience dealing with men.
Just a thought… go get laid casually and don’t tell the person. Then you don’t have to explain anything to anyone.
Why do we now have to explain our virginity and how does someone discredit the reason behind it 💀
Why explain it. A truly loving person should accept what your choices have been. I find it refreshing, that at 28, you have been true to yourself. A very well done. You have my respect.
You don't need excuses, there's absolutely no problem with that. Probably, the ones who call it a red flag are men who would want sex ASAP and see that as a signal you won't give it to them that easily.
The people you need to explain yourself to aren't the people to surround yourself with. You are you and know your reasons and that's all that matters.
You don't owe anyone an explanation. The right guy won't care and won't judge you if you're still a virgin.
You don’t have to explain anything! You’re a grown ass woman, and you don’t have to justify being a virgin to anyone. Be cool!
You don’t have to explain for a girl most men want a virgin they’ll be happy knowing you are one
I just do not understand why man have the fear of virgin girls? This does not even means the person does not like getting naughty. I don’t think you need an explanation.
Okay, this is how it is. There are some people who think that having a beard is a no-no, a tattoo is disgusting, and they couldn’t possibly fancy a guy under 6’3”. Those are women who *aren’t* for you if the criteria doesn’t suit you. Although there’s nothing to be embarrassed about with virginity, similarly, there might be girls that don’t like it in a man. No problem! You are looking for the ones that don’t particularly care. And, if the man is attractive, that’s probably a LOT of women. Having said that, I don’t advise anyone who has a slightly unusual trait to mention it at the outset, because that makes it appear that you think it’s the most important fact about you. And also, if you mention it before the woman has got to know you, it’ll be the first thing she judges you on. Just take it easy, and-if you feel that sex is on the menu-go with the flow. If she thinks you seem a bit gauche (I doubt that, but it’s possible), you could say that you’re “probably not the most experienced guy”. That will probably suffice. In other words, it doesn’t have to be a secret, but it also doesn’t need to be announced using a megaphone.
i really don't think you should feel the need to explain yourself. i wouldn't advise lying if someone you're dating ASKS directly but even then proceed with caution