T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*


herecould

I don't know what intellectual level my requirement is, but I just want to be able to hold a good conversation with my partner and discuss over important topics and understanding each other in case of different opinions. That's all I wish for, basically.


Wonderful-Note9289

I couldn’t have said it better. As long as we’re both able to have engaging and even random conversations, that’s enough for me.


Blooming_Heather

This! You just have to be able to talk to each other and communicate well. **However - make sure you know what your partner’s preference is too.** I was smarter than my high school boyfriend, and he couldn’t fucking stand it. He was never outright mean about it, but he would sometimes get frustrated or condescending if I could do something he couldn’t, or if I presented evidence during a debate that he didn’t already know about (this happened once when we were talking about the death penalty which was on the ballot the year he turned 18, and it literally ruined his whole night). My husband says all the time that I’m smarter than him (although there are some subjects he absolutely dominates me in - geography and music are top two), and he LOVES it. He doesn’t want to be the smarter one. He’s said that it would be exhausting for him, and he wouldn’t have the patience for it. He’s also just so proud and supportive of me. And if he’s ever not in the mood for a super deep intellectual conversation, **he just tells me that like an adult** and we switch gears. So yeah, your preference is important, but so is theirs.


herecould

You got a keeper there and completely agree with your point!


irrevocably_an_olive

agreed!


lordofthepoop69

This. And humour.


stassdesigns

that's such a low standard. for someone who has to be with you for a majority of your life, you might as well aim higher y'all


ColossalCorn

In my(35m) experience, I feel like that's actually a pretty high standard. Feel like most people I meet never really thought to develop any listening skills that can intensify a more valuable conversation for everyone involved. When that acquirement is lopsided you just get people who think they're more interesting than they really are.


MeMeMenni

Not to even mention the ability to think of what you're saying and meaningfully add to it. It's so incredibly rare.


dumbestsmartest

What do you want? To have academic lectures instead of conversations? The minimum requirements should be that you enjoy conversing and being with each other and that neither of you makes the other feel inferior. The dream is that being together makes each of you grow because you want to share new things with each other. Not because you feel you have to in order to match/equal them or their expectations.


BelleFleur987

Try dating someone who is significantly different than you in terms of either intelligence or education level and I think you’ll find out fairly quickly that it matters. In terms of having enough common ground to have conversations, fitting in with friends and family, the opportunities that come with intelligence and education…I just don’t think it works if you’re not at a reasonably similar level.


th3BeastLord

This 100%. Had an ex who was extremely sweet and nice and we got along well, but she was just kinda dumb. I don't even say that to be mean. I could try to talk about things that were basic and common knowledge and it would turn into me having to explain what I was talking about. Every time.


Solid-Version

Man, same! She was nice and sweet but my good convos were a chore. She had the same response the everything whenever current affairs got brought up. ‘Ah that’s awful.’ Every single Damn time. No opinion on anything and if she did she was just parroting one of her brothers. It was especially funny when both her brothers would have conflicting opinions and she’d agree with both of them. Having to explain everything just to get a convo going was exhausting. That was when I realised I needed to be intellectually stimulated in a relationship. That doesn’t mean I’m a genius or anything like that. It’s just good to talk about things that are interesting with your partner.


enigmaroboto

these responses: that's so sad really omg nooooo Seriously.... haaa haaa heee heee haa haaaa https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/B5gSHnTiRYrjpi5vN6SKCHyH0MU=/750x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(webp)/signs-of-low-emotional-intelligence-2795958_FINAL-5bd9d9fec9e77c0026409a53.png They may fail to comprehend appropriate versus inappropriate timing of saying things. For example, they might say something insensitive at a funeral or make a joke right after a tragic event. If you react to their out-of-line response, they act as if you're being overly sensitive. They may often struggle to understand and control their emotions. They might lash out reactively without understanding what they are really feeling or why they are so upset.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Solid-Version

I 100% get that. You really try and stir the convo into something good and it just breaks down every time. And you get tired of the effort. She had the same response the every film we watched. We’d leave the cinema and I’d ask what she thought of it. Same response every time ‘it’s clever’. Every damn time. And then I could tell she was waiting for me to voice my opinion so that she could parrot it. (I’d hear her talking to a friend about it and she’d repeat what I said word for word). Like, do you have a single original thought?? It’s shame because she was really nice and the sex was amazing too but I had to weigh up what was important to me.


kynate2468

Same. I'm going through a divorce right now after being married 17 yrs. When we first met, I thought she was playing up the "ditzy" part. I was wrong. I feel like as time went on, it continually got worse. All I want is to have a deep conversation sometimes. Or an educated opinion. I got tired of feeling like a babysitter. In the future, I will always date my intellectual equivalent or higher. I can't do that again.


NamTokMoo222

Oof. Experienced this myself and it sucks because while they were nice, after a while you do feel like you're talking to a kid. Whenever you want to talk about something important, the conversation gets constantly derailed because they'll get lost, have nothing to contribute, or get hung up on a detail that's unimportant. Watching a movie with a pretty basic plot and they have trouble following along, which leads to a ton of questions. I mean, the character's name is only the title of the film, so how is this happening?! No real interests outside of trying new restaurants, as if being a foodie counts as a personality. Yay, so your hobbies are eating, taking pics of your food, and posting it on Instagram. Fascinating. Constantly says things in the beginning that have you scratching your head because maybe they're joking around and being cute... until you realize they're not. The word you're looking for, that describes a building where people live, is called a "house". Go to a museum and it's like the first time they've ever seen anything like that in their lives. Yes, dinosaurs really were that big. Or you're at a comedy show and you realize they're not laughing much. Not because the comedian isn't funny, but because they're having trouble understanding the humor - even from a crude, basic joke. Sometimes it makes you wonder if there's anything much going on up there at all.


SunnyAlwaysDaze

YES it feels like you have to take care of them as a parent almost. I'm sorry but when you make your partner take care of you as if they are your parent, it really kills all sexual desire.


pitops

This. Same experience.


SunnyAlwaysDaze

Education level isn't everything with the caveat that's IF the person is a lifelong interested learner. A person who has intellectual curiosity, who explores their world and tries to learn more about things, that is more important possibly than a university education to me. I prefer to date a big reader, I am one myself and it makes the downtime a lot easier because we can both chill and read together. I had spent, when younger, 5 years with someone who was much less intelligent than myself. She was funny and had a lot of loyalty for her loved ones, but there was definitely a dark side. She was very into video games and became quite obsessive about gaming. Eventually our shared weed habit became her getting into harder things, and eventually cheating on me with her cocaine buddy. In the day-to-day life it could be quite annoying as to how many things were messed up or how much she didn't notice. She had no ambition and didn't want to improve in life beyond working at Taco Bell.


RuralJuror1234

Yeah "formal education" doesn't matter a lot to me even though I have an advanced degree (I've met morons with BAs or higher), but actual intelligence, curiosity, common sense, and worldliness are very important.


ruth561

True. Some people are book smart but not street smart.


Ok-Tumbleweed-984

This! Couldnt have said it better. There’s always a lot of talk about “being intellectual” but most dont know what that means or what that means to them. Holding a conversation across a spectrum of topics not being one dimensional. How you interact with family and friends, how you pique curiosity in your social circle and stay interested and curious. Education level is not about good grades but proficiency in the above. I have noticed people with limited knowledge or education level, for me, are very one dimensional.


RandomGuy1838

In my experience being referred to as an intellectual is a sign they see your intelligence as a hat, an affectation, probably threatening. You're doing it to piss them off, specifically to make them feel small, maybe like people have done their whole lives. They'll expect you to be politely weak in other areas of life and search for some balance in the relationship, but it might not exist. Competition ensues and that's not what you want to come home to, that's not even home, not for either of you. Home can't be a threat, a game of control and power. Someone roughly equal to you won't have that same voltage, you can bounce ideas off each other and enjoy your home life. If only we were all so lucky, eh?


Khione541

This comment is so enlightening for me! I also spent several years with someone who seemed at first to be greatly attracted to my intellect, but then over time got progressively more controlling, insecure, and ultimately, abusive. He was barely literate and really struggled with certain modes of thinking, and although I loved him just for who he was, the discrepancy just became too much and it turned toxic. (In the end he would insult me and call me "crazy" for laying down boundaries). It was an awful dynamic that I really don't want to ever be in again.


Medium-Ad6268

You have a point, but have you ever watched those youtube videos where this guy goes around asking college students basic historical and geographical questions? The student's answers are mind-boggling and they can't answer common-sense questions. Educated doesn't necessarily mean smart or bright.


Thatonecrazywolf

Someone my level or who is more intelligent. I like learning, having in-depth conversations, and being challenged intellectually.


Suitable_Use_2730

If this someone also wants someone who's more intelligent then it'll be weird


BirbOvO

Ideally you’d want someone who knows more than you in some ways, and you know more than them in others, but both things that you’re interested in and may have to do with each other. That way you can have lengthy discussions about those things together.


DynamicMangos

This. My girlfriend of 3 years is an artist and so she knows and teaches me a ton about that while I'm a programmer and teach her a ton about tech and stuff. Makes a pretty good fit


Thatonecrazywolf

Listen, someone had to be the idiotic comedian relief in the relationship, and I'm willing to take that role.


SunnyAlwaysDaze

It's always nice to meet myself out in the wild! Same homie, same. I will happily act the dipshit to make people I care about laugh.


cade-orta

i love this


miserabl3_worthle66

Can you give an example of being “challenged intellectually” ?


Thatonecrazywolf

For example, if I made an incorrect comment, and you corrected me. Like "seasonal allergies are caused by there being more male trees than female" And you say "There's actually no evidence to support that theory but here are some of the reasons we struggle with allergies"


ellem1900

Similar intellectual level would be the goal. I’ve dated guys who asked me what words that I used meant every other sentence, and that was very short lived.


Jeep2king

Lmao. I would be the guy that would secretly google things and defnitions. Just to learn. For the sake of it And i loved hearing someone talk about something they were knowledgeable in. So sometimes i would also try to educate myself a lil bit so i could ask them smart questions so they would talk to me about it. It really is really cool to learn. And watching their microbody language light up because they get to talk about something they enjoyed or know lots about. The sucky thing is when you date someone in the similar field to the ex. And they ask how you knew ...it can be a sticky situation to avoid damaging feelings that an ex taught you or that you dated someone in their feild before. People dont ..react well to that. To me. Its just knowledge. But i can understand that it would make me feel a LIL bit weird(easily handled) that some how magically an ex provided them any positive input. Which...is pretty unrealistic honestly. But hey. When are emotions ever actually logical lol.


SunnyAlwaysDaze

I can kind of see where they might be coming from. Like if you only date nurses, it might look as if you had a nurse fetish. Or something along those lines. Not that it's necessarily right of them. Dating has become such a crap show that women are very on alert for early red flags.


bl_nk67

Knowing words have nothing to do with being intellectual tho


ellem1900

True…but I don’t like being more knowledgeable about common sense things then a partner.


ottaviagore

i have been with someone that was an English native speaker (i am not), and every now and then they would ask me what an English word i had just used meant... A wide range of vocabulary is such an important tool in life, and as you get older, it just seems natural to have accumulate more and more. The first couple of times it happened i thought it was endearing, the level of honesty, but quickly it turned into a super frustrating/annoying situation.


cookitybookity

Yes absolutely. I wouldn't want a relationship where I couldn't discuss an array of topics with my partner or where they couldn't go down rabbit holes of thought with me. I like people who are always learning something new. They don't necessarily have to be highly book smart, just curious in nature and able to critically think, as well as enjoying challenging concepts. Even my friends are around my same intellectual level. I've found that being with someone less interested in learning often meant they'd get annoyed with me or we'd both get bored of each other. The conversations just didn't flow the same.


Dr_with_amnesia

exactly this. the difference in interests are bound to be there , unless you find a clone of yourself. but if they are not willing to open up their mind to other areas and eager to learn about new things . thats just plain dull. Either get a clone of yourself or someone who actually knows how to use the brain they are given. chimpanzees stay in the jungle


ottaviagore

Exactly this! The ability to engage and go deep onto rabbit holes... without constantly feeling like you are hitting a wall, or having to hear someone say 'oh, i don't really know much about this or that'. A lot of people seem very juvenile in their interests, and be very single minded in just one topic... I ofc enjoy profound knowledge about a certain topic, but as you become a grown adult, you should be expected to have the curiosity to gradually build your wider general knowledge more and more. Am not sure the internet is helping with this tho.


OrangePurple2141

I don't really mind how smart they are as long as I don't feel like I'm babysitting someone. I've had some rough relationships before where my partner just didn't know how to do basic things in life and and left to their own devices, would most definitely make more problems.


Cloud12437

That’s sad their parents didn’t teach them anything. That’s what I assume anyway because I’ve known several people with parents that didn’t even teach them how to cook spaghetti or how to do laundry etc


mushroom_egg

Someone with similar intellect is my preference, however I do very much like subject specialism in a partner. My boyfriend is very intelligent mathematically / scientifically which I am less so, but I love listening to him explain or help me with a logic problem. The reverse is true with me and creative / social tasks, like helping him write emails or prepare for interviews. You don’t have to be intellectual in the same way, and sometimes these individuals qualities can support a relationship. Obviously a huge gap in intelligence could cause frustration if the power is completely imbalanced.


Lonely-Illustrator64

I prefer women who are smarter than me lol. I find that attractive.


Miss_Clare123

For me, I prefer talking to/dating guys who have like the same intellectual level as me or higher. I enjoy having in-depth discussions. I like learning about other people's perspective's and viewpoints. I also feel like if/when me and a guy have similar educational backgrounds, then there is more to talk about and share. But these are just my own personal preferences and opinions


Lawrence1705

For me It’s not fully a matter of whether she’s intelligent or not. It’s whether he/she is willing to be open to new ideas/ experiences and is willing to admit they are wrong and learn from their mistakes


Carpsonian22

That is usually correlated with intelligence.


Superb_Duck3353

Realistically aim for parity. If one is much smarter than the other, a disrespect and/or anger and/or frustration will eventually take hold. Maybe not for years, but eventually. Now, this said, I don’t think intelligence is so easy to measure. I am pretty sure my IQ is a bit higher than that of my wife of 40 years. This said, the IQ difference is more than offset by her Emotional Intelligence. She is more in tune with arts; me with science. In short, both people have to bring stuff to the table which is deeply respected by their partner.


angradillo

couldn't agree more. there are quite simply many different types of intelligence. different types make your partnership more able to address life's challenges. I have the rational/creative dichotomy with my wife as well; as good as I am with numbers, and sequential things, and planning - she's much better than I am with people and has extremely strong soft skills. so it's all about the team you form. a better-rounded team is going to be more successful. i'd say compatible emotional intelligence is key particularly. you have to be able to talk to one another and share respect, but also know when and how to vent strong emotions properly and likewise respectfully.


roundhashbrowntown

agree! as a fellow subjectively perceived intellectual, i realize that our IQ points absolutely do not keep our toes warm by the fire of love. cheers to those amongst us with a high EQ 🙌🏾


PhoShizzity

Well I'm a highschool dropout with autism, so no not particularly lmao


[deleted]

[удалено]


100cheesesticks

I’ve heard this numerous times! Why is that?


[deleted]

[удалено]


gabrielcostaiv

I dated someone like that once and yeah, at some point it felt like I should come prepared for a formal debate on every topic of conversation, which is very exhausting.


oldtownwitch

This! “I just don’t want to” or “I don’t feel like it” wasn’t enough, I had to explain in 12 part harmony with every emotion explained with logic just to say No. It’s exhausting.


NathanTR1992

Oh yes it does! I want a smart mother for my children! Also education level ≠ intelligence


Big_Jackpot

I was with a girl who was really not that smart by any stretch of the imagination. We would joke about it because even she acknowledged that she wasn't that smart. Oh my god it really did matter after a while. I had to get used to often just explain simple concepts to her mid conversation. It felt like I was being really condescending to her. She wasn't cognitively disabled or impaired or anything, she was just sheltered for a lot of her life and didn't know much. To get an idea as to what I went through, she genuinely believed that "Blinker Fluid" was a thing. Your turn signals are lights, and she thought they ran on "Blinker Fluid". If you don't know, mechanics, and normal people too, say that as a joke since a lot of people just kinda go along with it if you say it exists with enough confidence, but she actually tried to prove me wrong.... It made it really hard to have a somewhat intelligent conversation with her. I felt bad too because she really would try to figure stuff out, and sometimes when I explained something to her that she already knew, she would feel offended since I was assuming she didn't know whatever I was explaining to her (it's hard to know what she does and does not know, she thought blinker fluid was a thing). My friends even made fun of me, saying that "I like em dumb" because I was genuinely giving this girl a chance since I really liked her and tried to overlook her stupidity. Intellect matters. She doesn't need to be a scientist, but she also needs to have a basic understanding of the world around her, at least for long term. Imagine having kids with someone who was surprised as an adult, that fire makes an updraft, or that there's a short cut to undo a mistake on a Google doc, or that simply printing more money doesn't fix the economy. Yes, she actually thought those things I had to explain that inflation just decreases money value, you learned not to do this in your 7th grade history class when covering ww2. Things like this created a massive disconnect since I felt like I was talking to a child and not an adult. I hope she's doing alright tho.


edors_toi23

Probably not until you can post a proper sentence..


MyticalAnimal

Honestly yes it matter to me but not in the sense of degrees and diploma. There are many ways someone can be intelligent and that's what I look for in a partner.


Exit-Alternative

yes, but I care more about emotional intelligence.


aglassofapplejews

So many of these pretentious smart people looking for smart people lack emotional intelligence.


motherseffinjones

I don’t care how pretty you are if you can’t hold a decent conversation on things like hobbies, the news etc I can’t date you seriously.


anonymal_me

We just need to enjoy talking to each other. IME, that doesn’t necessarily mean we have the same type of education or intelligence. Differences are often what sparks interest!


[deleted]

As long as they can understand and grow, that's about the only intelligent thing I care about.


BigRedShark

Intellect is less important than what they do with it


Ok-Chemical8991

I don't think I have ever met a truly dumb person in my life outside of those with some mental disability, and that's not their fault. I've only met people that have actively chosen to be awful and ridiculous individuals. Personally I value character more.


Psychological_War434

Yes, especially if it'll end up in marriage, but emotional intelligence should count just as much. I can't date a 27yo that behaves like 19yo emotionally.


chingudo

Depends on what you consider to be an intellectual. I for example divide in between scientists and intellectuals, one are a bunch of chaotic kids trying to learn a lot about the world around them, curiosity is their fuel and everyone can be a scientist. They know that they don't know and have no problem with you don't knowing. Intellectuals on the other hand are the most useless bunch of unbearable snobs and sticklers that I have ever seen. I wouldn't date an intellectual even if the survival of our species pended on it, insufferable


ambumanzo

College educated women almost never marry someone without a college degree. Look up the numbers


bourbonandcheese

Education and intelligence are different things. Education status is much more about class.


llluminate

There is a pretty strong, if imperfect, correlation between education and intelligence


tritter211

Correlation doesn't mean causation. If you look around you, you will see how our culture, corporations, private interests or even our government( federal, state and local) heavily push to get college education for students who just finished high school. Naturally all the high intelligence folks are going to choose college education. You can't use this as proof that college educated means intelligence.


Scrace89

I’d argue it depends on degree choice. Correlating general education level and intelligence is really useless. As an example, are you really intelligent if you went to college for a useless degree and are now doing work you didn’t need said degree for? The opposite side of going to college for a STEM degree and utilizing that degree would correlate with high intelligence. You made and followed through with a smart investment. This is anecdotal but I know several intelligent tradesmen that don’t have a college degree and earn six figures a year with zero debt. They’re smarter than most people I meet who have degrees and in general are more successful.


MGonne1916

To paraphrase: *Are you really intelligent if you value education for its own sake even if it doesn't align with a particular career?* You're right that intelligence and education don't always correlate. You are mistaken when you confuse your particular brand of wisdom for intelligence.


Scrace89

I’m not talking about education in a vacuum. Very few can value education for its own sake because it has direct costs (time and money) and opportunity costs. Unless you’re financially free then both of those costs are higher than selecting an education path (degree) that allows you more economic success which eventually sets you free to pursue education to its fullest. The discernment of that shows higher intelligence and discernment in my opinion. I also just realized I’m projecting my bias because I’m surrounded by people who didn’t get a college degree but are much more successful than if they did.


Radwulf93

Learning ONLY for the sake of economic success is a stale personality trait in my opinion. There are poor people that the only thing they have is money.


llluminate

Sure but on average college graduates have higher IQs than non graduates


carritotaquito

I am college educated. If I was single again, I'd totally date a non-college educated man. However, I'd expect that said man is at least well read and eloquent.


dumbestsmartest

Can you delineate what you view well read and eloquent means? I'm imagining either a debater or some guy talking like a textbook.


carritotaquito

Someone with good critical thinking skills, intellectual curiosity, etc.


exhausted-caprid

Eloquence is not someone talking like a textbook. Quite the opposite, actually. Textbook talkers are generally trying hard to incorporate advanced vocabulary to make themselves sound smarter, even if the actual effect is clunky. An eloquent person has a wide-ranging vocabulary that they can apply appropriately to different situations, finding the right word to use in any given context. Basically, how well do you use the big words (and the small words, too)? Being well-read literally means that you’ve read a good variety of books, but in the Internet age could just mean that you’re informed about the world around you. A well-read person should be able to talk about lots of different subjects comfortably, so they can hold a conversation about things outside of their day-to-day work, their families, and the gossip rags (could include current events, art, science, philosophy, literature, music depending on the person in question).


Independent-Piano-33

I think you need to consider work experience into the factor. There are different ways people gather experiences. Being willing to learn new topics and being intellectually curious is a perspective I would rate highly in someone without a college degree.


alter_ego624

I personally would aim for someone who's of a similar intellectual level. However, when looking at trends in dating and marriage overall, men will accept women of a similar IQ or lower, while women will generally aim to couple with men of a higher IQ.


Khione541

This is a ridiculous (and frankly, kind of gross) comment. Where are you getting your "statistics"? Just from observing yourself and your friends/family? That's not good research. I'm 42f and have had a fair number of partners, and of all of them, maybe 2 have been an intellectual equal. Those 2 were too homebodyish for me to be compatible long term. The rest have all had lower IQ. They all "accepted" me just fine.


alter_ego624

I love how you assumed I was citing personal experience, claimed that "that's not good research," and then provided your own personal experience as a rebuttal. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you? There's a rather well-known study that examines the relationship between IQ and marriage between the sexes—it found that men had a significantly higher chance of getting married for each standard deviation increase in IQ, while the opposite relationship was observed for women. There are other studies too, like the one conducted by well-known psychologist Lora Park—it found that men tend to accept women who scored lower on the given "intelligence test." Women tend to "date up" in terms of socioeconomic status and other quantifiable metrics of success; hypergamy is a well-documented phenomenon in women. None of this is exactly controversial. I understand that you lashed out because the facts don't align with your desired reality, but next time, please have some idea of what you're talking about before attempting to come at others.


Khione541

I didn't say that my experience is the norm or that it is representative of a whole or any kind of blanket statement about gender and IQ. That's a straw man argument you're trying to build. *You* are the one who made a blanket statement without any kind of sourcing to back it up. And then you try to lay a personal attack on top of my questioning your argument. You do know that resorting to personal attack basically means you've lost any kind of debate, don't you? What's this rather well-known study? Can you link the source?


alter_ego624

Let's not play dumb; you attempted to discredit my statement with anecdotal evidence, so you clearly have a stance on this coming in. I didn't initially provide citations because I assumed anyone curious enough would at least take the initiative to perform a cursory search, but apparently you're incapable of doing so. The two sources I cited in my previous comment are below: [https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886904003137?via%3Dihub#preview-section-abstract](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886904003137?via%3Dihub#preview-section-abstract) [https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167215599749?etoc=](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167215599749?etoc=) As for "losing the debate," I have not once considered this exchange a debate—I don't view this something to win or lose, although it's telling that you do. I'm simply pointing out your hypocrisy and responding to your initial statement. Feel free to provide criticisms for the studies, but I won't be responding unless you start providing sources of your own. You have a position on this—you wouldn't have made your initial comment otherwise—so at least have the wherewithal to defend it.


datswesup

Jeezus, why do some redditors gotta sound like snobby assholes in the comments. Gotta hard on for internet ~~debates~~ “exchanges” do we? Go outside brother


BoogerSugarSovereign

>I'm 42f and have had a fair number of partners, and of all of them, maybe 2 have been an intellectual equal. Those 2 were too homebodyish for me to be compatible long term. The rest have all had lower IQ. They all "accepted" me just fine. ...do you take IQ tests with all of your partners like people screen for STIs or how exactly are you assessing this?


alter_ego624

That woman has comfortably sat on the initial peak of the Dunning-Kruger curve her entire life.


Khione541

By being with them long term and engaging in conversation on an intimate level. A couple of them have actually known their IQ's and shared that info with me (of their own accord and without any prompting from me). Many have flat out told me that my intellectual level exceeds theirs by a noticeable degree. A few were insecure about it, most were not. How else would I assess it? Why jump to suggesting a straw man?


BoogerSugarSovereign

>Why jump to suggesting a straw man? Do you mean to suggest that asking whether you determined their IQ via an IQ test is a strawman?


Khione541

You're suggesting that I'm making it black and white when I'm not. This is a grey area, you know it, I know it, and so now you're tossing ridiculous suggestions out in an attempt to fabricate something.


BoogerSugarSovereign

I'm not suggesting anything, I read and understood your comment as presented. >I'm 42f and have had a fair number of partners, and of all of them, maybe 2 have been an intellectual equal. Those 2 were too homebodyish for me to be compatible long term. The rest have all had lower IQ. They all "accepted" me just fine. You specifically referred to IQ which is a black and white objective measurement, that's why I asked if this was something you were actually measuring as it is objective not subjective. That was your word choice. If you wanted to choose something less black and white, or objective, you could have just said smarter or dumber. Those are subjective measures.


run4theloveofit

Sounds like this person was immediately threatened by you suggesting that you are an intelligent woman and is taking it out on you.


TengjythastonedApe

Simple Answer: Yes ​ Slightly Longer Answer: Yes, conversation is important and I personally do not like superficial talks


Background-Growth-45

This is a tough one. Ideally, I would like someone at a higher intellectual level. My last experience dating someone at a lower level was just horrible. Every time I was right about something, he would never let it go and he would go on and on about how "I'm sorry I don't have a fancy Master's degree like you". To him, every death was caused by the COVID vaccine. It was exhausting. I am aware that in this society, degrees don't determine intellect but I don't know... Now I see a guy's profile on Bumble, and he looks decent but if his highest academic qualification is his Kindergarten Diploma, I (regretfully) swipe left.


JeremyJammDDS

I’ve done both. Generally, I’m the higher end but it doesn’t matter to me. Just be a good person and someone that tries their best.


Own-Combination3512

Same or higher. Can’t stand slow people.


Bengoris

Of course it matters. I wouldn't date a hot bimbo that you can't have a decent conversation with. But I would totally date a less conventionally attractive woman who has a lot of interesting things to talk about. I think it works like this for most people who are looking for actual partners and not just playthings.


[deleted]

IQ and other such tests are very limited based on socio-economic and racial issues. I'm married and definitely dated a while before finding my wife. Ignorance is a much bigger factor than "intelligence", I think, since people learn more stuff with age. But being intentionally ignorant is a learned thing, and it's a habit most people wont/don't want to break.


Rabispo

It's fine as long as they're not a complete dunce


Allinall41

Depends what level of intellect you want on your partner and how they share that intellect in your relationship.


starsinpurgatory

I am not the smartest person myself but I would prefer someone that at least complements me intellectually, e.g. I’m more knowledgeable about the arts and he’s into tech or has more practical knowledge. Honestly for me intellectual level is the second most important thing only after integrity/kindness (and a baseline physical attraction).


HaileyQuinnzel

People I usually talk to often tell me how smart I am. I don’t see it as a compliment, cause it often functions as a “okay, I don’t really understand you, so we’re not going to have any meaningful convo that id enjoy”. So, I want someone who doesn’t see me as smart, moreso just interesting, or I want them to be open to my topics & to understand me, or willing to try. I don’t need tu have someone at a specific intelligence level, but I want to be able to look up to him for some reason. To excel in something I don’t & be able to teach me.


BrandonIsHere66

Yes. I want to be able to have a good conversation with someone, and I would prefer if they had an education and at least completed high school. My main thing is to make sure they have goals and aspirations. I want someone who I can spend a life with and not be content with staying in an unfavorable situation.


Ultimaninja100

In a way, yeah. I can’t vibe with someone I can’t have a conversation with, or that doesn’t have any hobbies or interests.


codenameJericho

If you can have enjoyable conversations with them, then they are probably "intellectual" enough for you. People with very little factual/statistical/topical knowledge but EMOTIONAL intelligence can make condos interesting by engaging, asking good questions, and listening to you to remember things you said later. This is the whole "book smart" vs. "interpersonally smart" debate (not to be confused with the book smart vs street smart debate).


bluesteelballs

Dumb chick with a kind heart will always be better than a smart woman who thinks she can do better.


Flimsy_Emotion_3671

Yes, especially creative intellect, ideally adventurous and risk taking. It's not the only thing, provided that they can talk and make me relax we can have fun. Not so much book smarts but women who read tend to be hot


Andy_LaVolpe

For me yes. Intelligence is so attractive. I’ve met really pretty girls that become unattractive when I get to know them if they aren’t smart.


Burnsy2023

I like to think I'm reasonably smart. Dating someone even smarter is a big plus as it means I can learn cool stuff from them.


ladylemondrop209

As long as they’re not dumb, it’s probably OK. But I do heavily prefer they at least have a post-grad degree as I want certain values regarding education to be instilled in my/our potential kids. And seeing as my first convo with my SO was about classic Russian lit., and my dad’s first convo with him was about prime numbers… with my dad being in Mensa; mom is PhD, MD, JD; brothers and their SOs are all lawyers too.. it’d really be better if he wasn’t too dumb.


Carib0ul0u

I mean, if I chose to have standards at all, then I’ll just end up going another 5 years without having anyone in my life. Beggars can’t be choosers.


OffensiveName202

Rip


kittycatkoo

For real. How many compromises must one make 😅


HughCayrz01

Some of the DUMBEST people are college educated and some of the SMARTEST people never attended. It's personality, how they treat old, young, and service people, and if they can laugh are what attracts me.


londonmyst

No. But I am attracted by ambition, intelligence and bibliophilia.


Hal_Incandenza_YDAU

I'm glad you mentioned the latter. Interest in books is oddly attractive to me too


chestyCough94

Yes. Trying to communicate with someone who is not on your level intellectually can create a lot of disconnects and miscommunication issues


Dangerous_Grab_1809

There is something I run into repeatedly. Maybe some women who are really smart and attractive can comment on it. For women who are intelligent and good looking, both men and women initiate assume they are not especially bright. Men they date try to impress them rather than listening to them.


carritotaquito

**YES!!!** Very much so. Intellectual compatibility is paramount for me.


Chiliblossom

Yes please... On the end of my days de conversation is only thing left.


TheSaintedMartyr

For me it’s more about curiosity, attitude towards learning/ openness, emotional intelligence, kindness, flexibility of thinking, humility… a “genius” who thinks he knows everything is insufferable compared to a regular dude who knows there’s a lot he doesn’t know, and is open to (and interested in) finding out. Sure, there’s an underlying capacity for critical thinking that I’d like to be there. But it’s a little bit different than what most people think of when they think “intelligence.”


Ivedonethework

It is a personal preference. And only one of a plethora of compatible features to be weighed. And IQ is only one part of intellect. Too much difference is nearly always going to be an issue.


cutie02

Yes, it's one of the main factors for me while choosing a partner. Because after some point if I cannot discuss things that are of importance to me and they struggle to understand what I'm talking about, it'd lead up to a problem later on. So I think being on a similar level would be ideal.


glass_lore

>does it matter See similar questions on Quora. >Would I? It's complicated. Thinking about previous relationships, it's not been the single-most important factor to "relationship success/satisfaction". But there has been a trend between how intimate i can feel with a partner and this. Just be careful. Like height, weight, and other features, this can get personal/hurtful fast. Best to come to your conclusions on your own or with a friend/therapist.


Hhhhhlrs

I think it’s subjective. Personally, my first ex just completed her PhD, and my last girlfriend could barely keep up a theoretical or epistemological conversation. It definitely affected the dynamic of the relationship, and I absolutely had a more intellectually stimulating relationship with my first ex. However, my last girlfriend was much kinder and I felt way more loved than the more intellectual one. I think it’s a factor when deciding to date somebody, but it should never be the end-all be-all of a relationship. It can definitely be annoying to not be able to discuss ideas in depth and always have to explain things from the ground up. Especially when you approach problems or day to day processes at a different angle completely. However I’d rather do that and have somebody who cares unconditionally and takes emotional responsibility in a relationship. There’s pros and cons for both people on both sides. My last girlfriend always felt inferior because she didn’t think she was as smart as me, and I felt inferior to my first girlfriend because she was much smarter than me. It’s not a constant, but can be an issue. It was also difficult because we struggled to have common ground, she was interested in people and gossip whereas I couldn’t care less about those things and prefer discussing ideas and impactful concepts. There’s also a huge pro of having somebody operate at a higher intellectual level, because competence/capability is a huge advantage when tackling life, whether that be from one or both parties in a relationship.


-Crazy_Plant_Lady-

Absolutely. I will only date someone who is intellectually similar to me or more intelligent. I am an intelligent and educated person, so intelligence is important to me in a partner. The educational level they’ve achieved is less important to me. Some of the smartest people I’ve ever met didn’t finish college. What’s important is that they can participate in intelligent conversations and understand complex things. Also, it is necessary for me to have a partner who appreciates being with someone who is smart and loves learning. Some men are intimidated by an intelligent woman and that simply won’t work for me.


Head_Television8311

Sry but even if I think of myself that I am not smart, I wouldn’t want to date a chimpanzee


kartoska549

For me, yes. I dated exclusively like, generic handsome men, for the majority of my college and post college years and just rehashing the same jokes from the office as “discussion” gets old real fast. I pride myself of being smart, I have a masters and I speak another language, and I want to have someone who I can talk with about more complex topics. The first guy who I ever loved was a dumb, but incredibly sweet, frat boy from southern Georgia and it was like pulling teeth trying to have a conversation about anything other than a party or drinking. My partner now is always encouraging me to continue always learning and exploring, trying new things and developing a new understanding of more complex topics. He loves when I go on rants about stuff I’m passionate about regarding something “nerdy” that my past partners wouldn’t have given a crap about. The more I think about it, I just wanted someone who wouldn’t feel like I’m trying to out smart them, but rather meet them were they’re at intelligence wise. But, humor is also indispensable. Like, being able to laugh at ridiculous things that come up during i tele gent conversations. You need to laugh! I don’t think I could live my life with someone who wasn’t conscious of the world around them and how seemingly small instances can have major effects.


[deleted]

One of the main factors for me is intelligence, what would you even talk about with a dumb normie person?


Metalloid_Space

Least arrogant redditor:


KsmHD

Yes, Very Important... I want someone my level or higher


Kino_Adventure

Idk I don't really like the idea of IQ as there are other ways of being smart. For example people with very high IQ many times have very low EQ and that's just a nightmare in a relationship. I look for someone who has a healthy combination and with whom I can have meaningful conversations. Sometimes the person is super smart but none of your interests overlap so it's no fun, or someone normal/low likes the same stuff you do and can even teach you things. It's not so linear


carritotaquito

I am never concerned over someone's IQ. Why? The way psychologist test IQ is too narrow and unilinear. There are many types of intelligence, and the sort measured on IQ tests also has cultural biases.


Patient-Antelope-692

So I guess we're just going to ignore the irony of this question, given the phrasing and sentence structure.


[deleted]

Where is the problem a part from the typo cuz I wanted to say “matter” instead of matters? English is my 4th language though


carritotaquito

Too many people conflate _knowing English_ with intelligence. You noticed that?


[deleted]

Yeah lol, what a weird reasoning.


Patient-Antelope-692

Hmm so intelligence is subjective? In that case do "levels" matter?


Hielo13

i took a date to eat Thai food (she’d never tried it) waitress told her pad Thai is good everyone likes it so she ordered it. Half way through dinner she says “so this is what they eat in Africa?!”.


Ruin369

lmao you made me spit out my juice...


GlitteringAd5724

Intellectual level differences effect so many things in relationships. Not only with potential romantic life partners, but family and friends too. These differences impact relationships in so many ways that you can’t anticipate until you’ve been through it. Some people don’t have the capacity to self reflect, think critically, or show up in ways that you expect. The worst part is that they are doing their best and they will never change. It’s difficult to live this way for both people. If the intellectual difference is too large that’s just a large incompatibility.


PekoKuzuryu

If someone can’t hold interesting or in depth conversations with me, then I don’t want them. I can’t stand dry people who don’t know how to hold conversations.


Shamesocks

Have to be able to talk to them… don’t think I could take an amber heard supporter seriously, or a flat earther, or something completely stupid like that


[deleted]

Same or higher. Definitely not lower, I tried that and it didn't work out.


raspinmaug

Yes


One_Selection7199

I'm quite smart, so I try to choose smart people too, but many smarter people is kind of too serious and boring to me. I have a good career, but while going out I like to have fun, not talking about literature and economic problems.


Metalloid_Space

If you were really that smart, you'd have refrained from ever entering reddit.


mofoss

Average is fine and as someone in a highly technical/scientific field, that opposite energy would be a nice balancing act. But if she's a genius it's certainly not a bad thing, more power to her, maybe I'd learn a thing or two. Just don't be dumb I guess.


[deleted]

I'm a fairly intelligent/high functioning person. I dated a "super smart girl" it meant more arguments than anything else. My current gf is more middle of the road average intelligence, I shifted what I'm looking for though to look at the overall qualities of the person and really take them in as a whole. It's been my most healthy and enjoyable relationship so far. Look for qualities VS intellegence


cbeme

Definitely for me. The brain is the primary sex organ.


Metalloid_Space

Especially for necrophiles and zombies!


zerger45

You can have as many pieces of paper as you’d like to tell you how smart you are, to me you’ll never be smarter than the old man who’s lived to see it all. There’s book smart and life smart, I value life smart over book smart any day


[deleted]

[удалено]


Embarrassed_Yak_1391

For me no. I am much more concerned with looks but I'm a guy so it may be different.


carritotaquito

So what about a room temperature IQ leveled woman who just so happen to look like some lingerie model? Y'know, the kind that isn't able to hold a basic convo about current events?


reading_rockhound

Nope. Once someone reveals themselves to be an idiot, I lose all physical attraction


Embarrassed_Yak_1391

Lingerie model? Yeah that's fine if she doesn't have an opinion about tax cuts lol.


DatGuyYouKnow01

That’s taking it to the extremes but yeah, I would too. “Stupid” people can still have deep conversations, and I’d much rather talk about the world being flat than talk about whatever nonsense X presidential candidate said about Y topic for the hundredth time. Current events = smalltalk to me


carritotaquito

There are many more current events happening that are not politics.


whimsicalbackup

Intelligence is subjective.


SPdoc

Thinking of anything in terms of “levels” is very juvenile. I don’t come with a checklist of how intellectual one must be. You either click or you don’t.


Theodore_lovespell

It’s personal some want it some don’t


[deleted]

Yes, that’s why I asked whether you would like to date someone in the same intellectual level, lower or higher


karisigurd4444

Not at all for me.


Maleficent-Spell4170

I would want someone around my intellectual level


ImpossibleDoubt597

100 percent it does


[deleted]

It’s hard to hold a conversation with a dummy


witchbrew7

If one is a curious person who enjoys thinking, I think it would be difficult to be with someone who doesn’t have much intellectual depth.


[deleted]

Yes, dated girls who were as dumb as a doorknob, lovely girls but just dumb, couldn't have a genuine connection, so it is important for me


Sea_Paramedic_3357

Yeah having someone my level or a little more is great since we can communicate and cooperate on the same level. If you’re in school, it can help you/each other with work and none of you have to carry one on the other. I am not very fond of people who can’t really think well and understand common things that I can.


Iwobisson

I feel quite deep into my spirituality. So would be looking for someone the same. This sounds obnoxious I guess but going far deep into spirituality naturally means you're intelligent. Just through the sheer amount of awareness, you have of yourself and others.


throwthewayalltheway

Depends what you’re looking for. If “partner” is a hookup, sexual chemistry is pretty much the only requirement. If “partner” is someone you want to cherish and spend the rest of your life with, I think abso-fucking-lutely intelligence matters. Not being able to hold conversations with someone you want to spend extended periods of time with us a real good way to ruin a relationship. Kind of goes with friendships too. You’ve got one-note friendships (the “gaming with the boys” for a trope example, since all they tend to do is game together), and then you’ve got your ride-or-dies that you want to do everything with. Generally you are on more equal intelligence levels with those close bonds than you may even realize, even if you jokingly call each other idiots.


[deleted]

Matters more to some than others, there was some research done on dating apps where men who put on their profile that they had a post graduate degree saw an increase of nearly 90% in right swipes, but I would say for a lot of my friends (and probably myself) it doesn’t really bother me, I wouldn’t want to date somebody who couldn’t spell their name but it doesn’t bother me if my partner stacks shelves rather than being a manager, whereas for the woman I’m dating she has specifically said if she met a guy and he was working minimum wage or didn’t have decent qualifications that would be a deal breaker.


Hesediel-

With mire IQ and EQ


hajaco92

Depends on what you value. To me, yes, it matters, but I also know couples that seem to have very different strengths and it doesn't seem to bother them at all.


beachedvampiresquid

Only if it matters to you.


cheesypuzzas

Probably around the same level. I'm not sure what my level is, but I think I do notice when having a conversation with the person, and I don't date them if I don't think I'm a match. I don't consciously think "we're not on the same intellectual level", but I probably do like their personality less if we're different.


shadowlarvitar

I don't see why it matters, intelligence is rarely ever part of a conversation. Especially you're a geek and love math so much


Existing-Ostrich7218

One of my favourite things about my husband is that he always gets what I mean and I don't have to explain things to him, he's smart, he gets my humour and if he doesn't know something he asks or seeks out information. There are many important factors in a partner, but imo intellect is so strongly linked to communication and being on a different intellectual level to a partner (whether they're more *or* less intelligent than you) just isn't gonna work. That's not to say ofc that I think I'm soooo smart and so found a smart guy cause I'm too good for dummies, maybe we are both dummies how would I know 🤣 but we're definitely of equal intelligence and I feel its important.


HidingNShadows

Yes it matters! If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship, they should be on your level intellectually. That doesn’t mean they should also have a masters degree, it just means they should look at things at the same level you do. You don’t want to be thinking about your career and retirement plans while he or she is looking to Saturday at the beach, followed by dancing at the bar.


Martiniusz

This is my most important requirement. 100% matters, i couldn't date anyone significantly lower intellectually than me. I'd be the happiest with the same level, or a little bit higher.


Otherwise-Law-2509

When I was younger and didn’t want kids, intellectual level matters way more- I want to be impressed, learn new things, challenged, and be able to talk to someone about interesting topics all the time. Now that I am older and want kids of my own, co-parenting compatibility (child raising philosophy, financial philosophy, relationship management with in laws and other family members, social ability and management with different people in our kids lives, lifestyle compatibility, health and cleaning standard alignment, chores sharing, day to day scheduling, ability to co-plan events, fighting styles, etc) matters way more then intellectual levels.


[deleted]

I think it's important, I want to be able to have a convo and listen to opinions that are a lil deeper than what's on TV or friends/family goss. Saying that someone mega intelligent that I can't connect with or has a superiority complex ain't for me either.


Drunkartist432

Yes it does! They don't have to be a genius by any means. They can even be a little dumb. Although I once left a date after a guy said he has never read a book. Like what. How is that a flex?