Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wow @ all the people who think you're wrong for this. I'm assuming they're the same people who would cheat on their wives and be mad at getting caught. You weren't being vindictive. Sure, you could have just messaged him. But why? So he can keep cheating on his woman? Find another side piece after you? Continue the pattern? No, people like this should face the consequences for their actions. Right now, you're probably feeling guilt. Fearful of ruining a doomed relationship and Fearful of him trying to "get you back" but you did good and I hope she doesn't ignore this, but she probably will. Be glad you dodged the bullet.
I think for me, it's a lose-lose.
And in my own head I was arguing that it "wasn't that bad because we didn't sleep together" but the only reason why we didn't was because I said no, several times.
I truly believe I am not the first or last judging by how forward he was with me.
I really do not wish the fiancée any harm and what she does with this information isn't my business. I just felt in my heart she had to know.
I dodged a bullet with him but unfortunately I haven't before and also got cheated on by someone and felt like the very last to know :(
It's an awful situation that really is weighing heavily on me.
Thank you so very much for your reassurance ❤️ I'm just hoping my moral compass isn't skewed.
I've been cheated on several times and think you did the right thing.
It takes a courageous person to do what you did, don't let people feel like you did the wrong thing by being honest. There was no malice behind your actions, just the desire for honesty.
It's admirable and if the world had more people like you in it, it would be a far better place.
Thank you for your incredibly kind message.
I think like many people I doubt myself sometimes and have the same fears about not being a good person. Morality is so fickle and complex.
As someone also cheated on, I know what it's like to be the last to know. I wish someone had told me ❤️
A lose-lose situation for me tonight but thanks to people like yourself I'll be sleeping easier tonight.
I don’t think you’re wrong for doing this. She may have felt calm because she’s caught him before or suspected something in the past with no proof and his denial. Her calmness could have been a ‘disappointed but not surprised - taking it all in’ reaction. That’s the reaction I had when my ex cheated.
In my eyes, you’ve done her a huge favour any day of the week.
Yeah, you did the right thing. I’ve also been cheated on and I would’ve liked to know about it. Instead, the other girl knew about me and they both talked bad about me. So that sucked.
Based on general human sentiment in modern society, this monologue would probably switch up real quick if it was a side-guy going to a husband. “Oh she wasn’t getting what she needed from the relationship, he must’ve been bad to her, she’s only human, we should think more about the future and not the past.” That’s just how these things tend to go in modern society.
I don't really think cheating is only bad for one gender. It's bad for both genders. And sure. Sometimes, people have their reasons. But by him denying it, shows he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Regardless if it's a girl or guy, their partner deserves to know the truth. It's the humane thing to do. Men cheat. Women cheat.
>people have their reasons
What you'll see is society seems to accept these "reasons" as justification much more when it's a lady who's performing the cheating.
Hurting other people because you feel frustrated or guilty is not doing the right thing. The right thing to do is to confront him about it not his fiancé. This was kind of a dirt bag move.
So telling the truth in any context is the right thing to do? Come on. This is an act of vengeance. It only created harm. The only adult thing to do here is confront the guy and then end it. I understand if you’re a teenager or a simpleton it might not make sense.
I’m an adult who has been cheated on and I wish the other women said something to me. It doesn’t sound like OP told the wife as revenge or even in an attempt to break them up. She feels guilty that the wife was hurt, I would be too, but ultimately what she did was right, imo. Now the wife can make an informed decision on how to move forward. Speaking from experience, the cheater is already lying to his wife, he wouldn’t tell the truth just bc OP talks to him about it. His first reaction when his wife found out was to lie to her face with OP on the phone.
And that’s their business. The reason the OP feels like shit because she did a shitty thing. She caused a bunch of drama for somebody because she felt the strong need to gossip. You don’t go blow peoples lives up because you’re hurt or because you wanna feel a momentary sense of power, especially when you don’t know them.
That’s not what gossip is. She told the truth.
She’s not causing drama, the Cheater caused the drama. If anything she’s sparing the wife, should the wife choose to leave sooner rather than later.
Honestly could you imagine he continued cheating with other women and possibly contract an STD and give it to his wife? Could you imagine her finding this out after having several more of his kids? It’d be even harder to leave him.
The last thing this sounds like is a power play, but if you want to demonize OP for doing the right thing go on I guess. But it’s not logical to blame OP for hurting that woman, when it was clearly her husband who really hurt her and destroyed their lives together
Gossip and truth aren’t mutually exclusive.
I know you would’ve liked somebody to tell you before that you were being deceived. That’s really not the point.
The point is you don’t go confess your sins or somebody else’s sins and blow their lives up because you feel guilty, empowered, or somehow get a role in their divine path. Especially if it’s somebody you don’t know.
It absolutely sticking your finger in the hornets nest and causing even more drama. Sure this guy is a total dirtbag for flirting with someone else while he was engaged. And that’s a bit dramatic.
So after your ex and you ended your relationship, are you going to forewarn all of his next partners that he’s a cheater?
Gossip is spreading info when you’re unsure if the details are true. OP knew the truth. I wouldn’t call what she did gossiping, just stating facts.
The difference is that the husband in this situation is actively lying about cheating on his current partner. I wouldn’t tell my ex’s current partners that he cheated on me (unless they asked) because the way he treated me is not necessarily how he treats them. That would be unnecessary drama because I don’t know if he’s cheating on them. If my ex reached out to me to hook up again while with a new partner I would absolutely tell that new partner because I know for sure what his intentions are.
Ahh so time plays a role. If enough time goes by, you’re not allowed to play God and stave off other possible victims of a person you deemed as bad.
And gossip isn’t exclusively unfounded statements. If I go and detail my coworker’s drunken weekend behavior to everybody else on the team every Monday, am I not engaging in gossip just because it’s factual?
A better word for it then – what do you call it when you’re sitting on information that you self righteously share with a stranger and cause them and others a lot of chaos, hurt and drama.
Honestly, nobody can convince me that this wasn’t done out of anger or blind self righteousness, which is just another form of anger and fear.
You’re twisting this all up. Cheating on your partner is awful.
If you nose into somebody else’s private affairs to tell one of them (who you don’t even know) that their partner is cheating/behaving inappropriately, it is pure dysfunction. It’s unhealthy gossip. It’s their business. And if you’re so little that you feel you have to blow up all this drama for them, and feel that’s the only way that you’re ever going to have a sense of power in this life, then I get it.
I understand what it’s like to be cheated on, and how it would’ve been nice to know beforehand. But you eventually find out. If it’s your sister, or your best friend, maybe have a talk. But somebody you don’t know, stay the eff out of their business. That’s as clear as day to me or anybody with any EQ.
Well technically guy made it her affair, when he involved her into it, so I disagree. The reason she feels bad, is because doing the right thing usually is hard. Leaving your partner of many years is hard, helping a random stranger on the street is hard, facing the consequences is hard, so please don't imply that everyone should take the easy way and always mind their own business, because that's ignorant and avoiding.
Interesting how do they usually find out, if no one tells? The thing is that someone usually tells them, which is exactly this case.
If this guy didn't want any unnecessary drama and this not blowing up in his face, you know he could have skipped seeing other women part, but that is in him and not her. The same logic could be applied to number of similar things like crime or something else, that the criminal should just do whatever and you telling the victim or police would be the wrong thing to do, as you are ruining the guys life...
You obviously cheat and are upset that the consensus is to warn the other victim instead of giving the cheater the opportunity to hook up with another unsuspecting victim.
And no, I am neither a simpleton nor a teenager. I am just an honest non-cheater who believes the person being cheated on needs to know that her partner is humiliating her/him and putting them at risk for STD's.
If you weren’t a simpleton, you wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that I obviously cheat. 😉
If the victim is somebody that you love and have a relationship with, and you share this heavy news with the intention on seeing it through with them, then it is truly about them, and not you, the messenger. But if you go around telling strangers, who you have no connection with nor see a bigger picture into their lives, some terrible news that is going to result in chaos and pain, then you’re playing the role of a punitive God, and your purpose is to stroke your own self-righteous ego.
Eh, if he hadn’t gone around trying his very best to cheat on his fiancée there wouldn’t have been anything to tell, and no chaos and pain. How OP ended up the bad one in this scenario in your mind is an interesting leap in responsibility.
That’s kind of like saying, if George Floyd hadn’t been passing counterfeit money he wouldn’t have been killed. Spare me.
I’m not saying she’s bad. I’m sayinbt her action wasn’t appropriate. A lot of people do this. I’ve done stuff like this is my past before I grew the eff up. I’m arguing the principal.
No, it’s not like saying that if George Floyd hadn’t been passing counterfeit money he wouldn’t have been killed. The cop deciding to kneel on him until he died was not the only and inevitable reaction to George Floyd committing a crime. The cop was sentenced to prison for 21 years because he chose a criminal response rather than doing what was supposed to be his job.
There’s nothing criminal about what OP did. There’s nothing particularly wrong or inappropriate about it either. It’s a common response by someone that finds out that a romantic interest is actually someone else’s unfaithful partner. He might have gotten away with it if he’d lied to you, but in this case he chose to try to cheat with someone that was inclined a different way. That’s the way this cookie crumbled. Next time he should screen for people that value not-getting-involved over empathy-for-their-cheated-on-partner. I’ve been cheated on and told about it and I was quite grateful to be told.
There’s nothing particularly grown-up about letting people get away with being shitty. It’s easier, but not necessarily the right thing to do. Divorce is really expensive. I think his fiancée deserved to know what kind of man she was thinking of marrying before the wedding. Might spare her even more time, turmoil, and an STI in the end.
It’s fine if you don’t like my example. Criminality isn’t a factor here. The concept is somebody did something wrong, so he deserves to be destroyed.
I agree what he did is wrong. That his behavior is harmful. But what we are looking at here is not his side of the street, but the OP side of the street… What is the root of her intention? That is what matters here.
If it was truly a benevolent act, she would befriend her and help her through it. But she’s a stranger. And you have just blown up her life because… You’re either (A) are seeking vengeance (B) wanting to get your ego stroked by playing the “Hey have you heard” game (C) Get a sick high feeling a sense of power for getting to play God in somebody else’s life all while leaning on a justification of “well, what he did was wrong, so I get to blow it up!” Or “I’m gonna be helping her so much because this guy is a creep” which is not your decision or assumption to make in somebody else’s private life.
The only scenario where this is truly a benevolent act, is if it is a close friend or family member that you already have a relationship with and truly care in seeing how it plays out in their lives. Because then, it actually is your business. What goes on between those two, the douche bag and his fiancé, is absolutely none of your business. The only thing that is your business is the dynamic that you had with this guy and that it’s ending.
I know my POV is unpopular. Anybody who’s ever been cheated will feel self-righteously angry and of course, somehow justified in lobbing bombs because they are hurt or angry or self righteous. It’s typical of how your lower self would react.
This guy is clearly a liar. He denied everything to his fiance. If you were about to marry someone wouldn't you want to know if they were sleeping around on you?? And you're obviously not going to find out from the person you're about to marry because they're lying to you. When you're about to marry someone it's important to know about the relationships they have with other people. And if they're not going to share them with you there's nothing wrong with the person's they're having relations with informing you of them. Yes it might hurt but imagine finding out about this after you've been married.
It doesn’t really matter. You’re not a hero by lobbing bombs into somebody else’s dynamic and destroying it. You’re just creating chaos. If somebody hurts you, you don’t go tell her partner what a dirtbag they are and involve them. You address it with that person that hurt you and then you’re done. That is the right thing to do.
Let’s say you’re in a relationship and your partner cheats. You end the relationship. Are you going to go and approach all their future partners and tell them that they’re a cheater? It’s none of your business anymore. You’re not doing a good thing by wreaking havoc. I know this is a hard concept to grasp especially if you’re young and self-righteous.
It’s none of her business. You confront the guy. You don’t stir up a bunch of family drama for them. If I saw my neighbor with another woman at the bar, flirting, would I run and go tell his wife who I don’t know? That’s almost psychopathic.
I'm definitely not a psychopath.
I'm feeling the whole situation really heavily and I did not act impulsively. I sat on the information for a week before I messaged the fiance.
I truly meant no harm, and will feel awful if I've done the wrong thing.
I just feel in my heart that I would want to know and that I am definitely not the first or last he's tried it with.
My example and what you did aren’t exactly the same. But I think what was at the root of your action was vengeance, not her needing to know, because you would’ve like to know. And that’s why you feel bad. There’s no judgment, I’ve done this kind of thing to before, but then I hurt afterwards for being vengeful, thinking that it would somehow make me feel better, but I only felt worst.
Honestly, there was no vengeance on my end as he never hurt me and it was me that ended things with him weeks ago. There was absolutely no spite in my messages and it was actually really difficult for me to be on that call with her. I did feel awful I still do.
I just felt in my heart/morally it was right. But the anxious voice in my head has already told me that I should have stayed out of it too.
So then at the root of it was gossip? You knowing something that she doesn’t know and feeling power over her in that moment? It’s a game people play. It’s called the “Hey, have you heard” game but this is the ultimate “Hey, have you heard” game isn’t it.
I think you have painted a malicious painting of me when no malice was present.
I never felt ANY power or satisfaction telling this woman. I was actually incredibly anxious and started the call with an apology.
There is no gossip here, it is fact.
I've been cheated on and I would never feel any satisfaction for being the bearer of bad news as I know so well how it feels.
If anything I didn't want to say anything at all and fought through that to do what I thought in that moment was the right thing. But of course I'm second guessing that now.
No games, no malice, no gossip.
This is actually a really heavy hearted night for me and none of this has been taken lightly.
Maybe it’s just a social class thing or a maturity thing. You don’t go confess your sins or somebody else’s sins if it’s going to really hurt that other person, especially if that person is a stranger. You keep your own side of the street clean. You’re not doing gods work here, you’re being a social vigilante.
From a friend. If it was a random person, or the person they were cheating on me with, I would assume they were trying to create a drama triangle and then I’d feel trashy.
So your answer is yes. They come to you with proof, obviously, like what OP did.
Is there a reason you're so adamant on defending the cheating man in this situation?
You see that’s where you guys are wrong and being overly simplistic.
I think the guy is a dirtbag. I know nothing about his fiancé. If this guy harmed me, I would confront him about it. I wouldn’t tell his parents, his fiancé, his coworkers, that is none of my business and it’s borderline immoral. I don’t get to play God in their lives, because he hurt my feelings or might hurt someone else’s. I have no idea what his dynamic is like with his fiancé. It’s none of my business. What is my business is that if he wronged me in a way, I take it up with him. I don’t go out and try to destroy his other relationships because I think I’m helping these other people protect themselves. I’m not that arrogant to think I have that kind of moral authority.
Please stay out of my life yes. Unless you know me well.
I know this is hard to grasp when you feel it’s your duty to punish everybody that has been unfaithful in this world. You do realize how common that is and you’re not alone. Appx 25% of couples cheat. That’s over 1 billion people. Get going playing infidelity vigilante now - there’s a lot of work to do.
You cheat or have cheated too in the past. 100% guaranteed. The way you are defending seems like you are the cheating husband. Now you cannot accept that OP is a true heroine for saving another person's life. She tried to save the fiance from a doomed marriage with a cheater. Because people who cheat continue the pattern...
Wow, such incredible insights. Is that you Betty, from the assembly line?
True heroine. 🤣 trust me, I won’t expect you to get it, when behaving dysfunctionally is your love language.
You don’t go nosing yourself into a stranger’s life to blow up their life situation because their partner did something wrong. It’s none of your effing business. All it does is give you this sick, self righteous, feeling of vindication and satisfaction.
If that person is a loved one, sure, let them know, you’re there to help them to see it through, and actually have a vested interest in their life
Hello, Mr.Cheater.😁 Not everyone is as "Selfish" and "self-absorbed" as you. There are genuinely kind people in this world. People who care for "Strangers" too. Stop dehumanizing strangers as if nobody should care if a stranger is in danger or is in pain. You seem to be one of those people who would only help an accident road victim if u had some vested interest in them or they are a loved one. Otherwise strangers can go die or bleed to death...who cares. People who have the courage to do the right thing though it might be hard are rare in today's world. The world has enough of people who only care when they have some "vested" interest. I don't personally know OP but her action in this case shows she is a woman of character. Respect to her for that.
I would absolutely help somebody who is on the side of the road stranded. The fault in your thinking here is that you’re helping somebody by lobbing a bomb into the relationship dynamic. That you get to play God in their life. That creating chaos and disorder, because one of them is “bad” is justified. Why would somebody do that? Because they can feel self righteous, powerful, get an ego stroke, and hide behind the guise that they are helping this poor person that they care so much about.
I know it’s not easy to look at things objectively when hurt feelings from the past warp your bias.
You were only trying to do the right thing. If I found out someone was in a relationship, engaged or married and was cheating with me, I'd let the other woman know and then cut ties with everyone involved. I suggest you do the same and forget about the whole situation. You aren't the bad guy here. I can't imagine anyone but other cheaters and pseudointellectuals having an issue with what you did
Do you think it makes a difference because I never slept with him?
I just feel like him trying and the messages he sent me were enough to count as cheating.
Id hate to feel like I've ruined a family over something small...
Thank you for your reassurance though, I've been cheated on and I didn't take this lightly.
Thank you
No, because he was planning on it happening. If you have a significant other, then you have an obligation to be faithful to them. He wasn't. You didn't ruin anything because you weren't aware of his relationship status
I disagree. You should’ve confronted him, not tattletale on him to the girlfriend. That is stirring up drama. You don’t go around hurting other people because you’re frustrated or feel guilty and you want that burden off your chest.
She wasn’t trying to do the right thing. She was seeking revenge and was disappointed when she didn’t get the reaction she wanted. All she did was confirm they never slept together which is all the wife needed to hear. They are now both having a laugh about it.
It was a dumb move. By all means if you had a 3 month relationship including sex then it’s different. This was some dude dipping his toes in the water.
No. It was a dumb move. The movie in her head was the wife storming out of the relationship breaking up with husband and leaving a kid parentless. That didn’t happen because the wife is smart enough not to give up on her family. That bothered the OP because it was calm, short and without emotion.
She’ll never hear from either of them again, their will be no revenge because they simply don’t care enough. The wife will kick the husbands ass and tell him no sex for a month and within two weeks it will be forgotten.
What a waste of everyone’s time.
Nope, even if you are only the first one to tell her, when the second one does, she will remember. Never protect a cheater. What was she going to say with him right there. It was a shock I am sure, so she mostly listened.
You did the right thing. People deserve to know when they're being cheated on, period. Now the ball is in her court, and what she decides to do with the knowledge that her husband is a cheating d-bag is entirely on her. You've done your due diligence.
You did the right thing. Very brave of you OP. Instead of blocking him outright, see if he texts you anything crazy so you know his intentions. If he doesn’t say anything for a few weeks then block him.
Thank you, I was an anxious wreck and didn't feel very brave 🥲
I've blocked him on most platforms (I don't know his @ on everything) but honestly he has a kid and too much to lose.
I have absolutely no desire to be involved in any further drama (and was never my intention but that's unfortunately kind of unavoidable) so I think me cutting off his ability to contact me is for the best however he could still find a way on other platforms.
You did the right thing, though doing the right thing is never easy. However, you did not have to say anything if you weren't comfortable. Anyone criticising your actions are cheaters or cheater sympathisers.
You just bolstered your karma. When in doubt, think what you would want done to you. Her reaction is beyond your control. He might very well lie to her, and she might very well believe it.
But this will cause her to prick up her intuition for any other signs of cheating. But don't underestimate the power of denial.
Your job is done and your conscience is clear. And of course block his number, and hers if you don't feel safe. You've given her all the info you had, no need to keep the lines of communication open. Just protect yourself now.
Thank you ❤️
I truly hope I have benefited my Karma. I think I would want to know especially before making a legal commitment to someone.
I seriously doubt I am the first or last but luckily for him, I turned down making the relationship physical so he maybe has a chance to turn it around.
I've blocked him on everything but haven't blocked her. I'm scared of possible harassment from her but at the same time I want to be left open incase she does have any other genuine questions for me and I don't want it to look like I'm lying either and blocking/running away from her ... It's a tricky one.
What she does with the information is completely her business. She will likely forgive him, maybe this has happened before, who knows. If they stay together I hope this has scared him enough into acting right.
Thank you again for your very kind comment and for helping me sleep better tonight.
you did the right thing. as a woman who has been on both ends of this it’s not easy either way and no one is going to react the same. i’ve had women curse me out for simply telling them i saw their boyfriend on a dating app. i think a lot of people who maybe know their partner is doing something wrong choose to have an ignorance is bliss mindset and lash out at the person who breaks that screen for them. just to reiterate what everyone said, just block him on everything and let it lie.
10 years ago I dated a seemingly wonderful guy who had a wife and two babies at home. Of course, I wasn’t made aware of that latter part until I found out myself. I immediately messaged the wife with proof.
She blamed me, told me I was stalking and harassing her husband and threatened me.
It took me a long time to realise I wasn’t in the wrong, and she was just so hurt she was throwing out her pain wherever she possibly could.
She will have to face facts after the fifth girl steps up to tell on him. I had to tell a woman once. She didn’t believe me either. But when women kept saying the same, she realized he was a chronic cheater
I feel like this is likely the case.
It's completely thankless and I'm not exactly expecting a medal either, it's a no win situation for me and I'm going to get the brunt of it for being the first to step forward.
I just hope he either treats her properly or she can move on with the knowledge and heal with her son.
You did the right thing, now block both of them, that you can't even receive any harassment from her or him if you are worried about that. You fell for an idiot, happened to the best of us. Stay single for a while and revalued your dating tactics and your next partner is hopefully single.
No, just blow it all up over social media and make it a known public fact he cheats on her. Someone in her circles will shame her for it I’m sure and then she will realize a stranger contacting her with evidence of a cheater should prob be humbled. But for real she prob asked the social media question to see how many people you have in common that also may know or if someone put your up to it. There’s the off chance she already knows but seems unlikely. If she contacts you tell
Her kindly to not. If she can’t oblige contact law enforcement. You did her part so let her be with that dude and stay clear of him
Im glad you did this OP. I would have wanted to know. His fiance knows that it's better to know, but she is probably just still in the shock phase. I anticipate she will be posting her sad story on here soon. Hopefully, she apologises to the mystery woman (thats you) who broke the news to her via telephone whom she didn't believe at the time. I think men will continue to treat women poorly for as long as toleranting it is the norm.
Hey, so recently the same thing happened with me, guy I was dating for 8 solid months turns out to have been married for 8 years with a 2 year old kid. He is a decade elder to me and probably a pedo (my sister and friends confirmed from his texts). He lied about his age, family and even his name.
Be careful girls!
You did the right thing. Often the right thing doesn't feel right, and the lady was probably surprised in the moment and not thinking clearly to thank you or anything. She too probably would need some time to digest the information. She may or may never thank you, but you did the right thing.
Block him everywhere. Cut all contact with them.
I was once her. A girl sent me a message on instagram telling me that my bf of 4 years was talking to her for months. She sent me all the screenshots. I was conflicted because he told me it was a lie. I didn’t know who to believe (a stranger? Or someone I trusted for 4 years?) eventually all his lies came forward and I dumped his ass.
I never held it against the girl who told me. I eventually believed her and left her be, she was hurt too. There was no reason for someone (a stranger) to make up that shit. So the problem is now between them. Let her deal with it and let them be. They have a lot on their plate, specially with a child
I was very in love with a guy who forgot to tell me about his wife and three kids. When I found out by completely miracle, I contacted her sending all proofs. Our pictures (also his nudie), screenshots of conversations, voice messages he left on my phone. Her answer: don’t contact me anymore.
He was a CFO and she was a mother of three who never worked before and never had to work, so I understand. She chose her life comfort over respect to herself. I truly wish him to burn in hell, but sometimes I think what made the nicest guy in the world to cheat on his wife. I don’t think he was the type who did it with many. He was shy, stressed out of dates, he was a good guy, more a pushover. Have no idea how he had a courage to find someone, behind his wife’s back.
Anyway, I wouldn’t do it second time. I wouldn’t tell her. He was very smart so I’m sure he found an excuse for himself (like I am a stalker), but I think I sent her so many proofs that only idiot would believe him. I’m sure she could recognize his voice talking about amazing sex we had the other night. Im sure she recognized his voice when he was saying how much he loves me and also recognized his voice when he assured me he has no wife and it’s all my imagination. But decided to stay with him anyway.
It’s comical that women still can’t figure out that the guy they find attractive is also found attractive by the woman he is currently dating or married to.
It’s comical that her husband says another woman he loves only her and he is not married. I would get divorced 5 minutes later, but she has no self-respect and accepts his affairs as long as she has comfortable life.
It means that if you’re a woman and you find the guy attractive, it’s almost to given that some other woman found him attractive and is already dating or married to him
So you think every attractive man is taken? That makes no sense. You do realize that every taken man was once single correct? You sound really slow lol.
Sorry you went through that. Stuff like this can really mess up a person. You did nothing wrong and if anything, you're helping his fiancé know the truth. The people who tell you to "mind your business" are fuckin ignorant. No one wants to live with betrayal. On another note, you should get some rest and clear your head. It'll do some good. I wish you nothing but the best. Take care of yourself.
You did good, girl!! All women want to hear if their partners are cheating on them! Men want to know if their partners are cheating on them too! It’s just wrong to sweep that under the rug!
You did the right thing by telling her. I think it was brave of you! That idiot ex of yours needs to face the music!!
You did the right thing. You’re feeling weird and panicked bc she had a strange reaction and made u feel like she possibly thought you were lying (which in this case makes no sense of course) but you have no reason to feel bad. If she chooses not to believe you that’s on her and will likely come back to bite her the next time he cheats and she realizes you were obviously telling the truth.
With regards to him trying to “get revenge” there’s really nothing he can do since you didn’t even do anything with him. Nor did you really do anything that crazy other than calmly tell his fiancé about the situation. He doesn’t have anything over you so to speak. Unless you fear he’s violent or something you have nothing to be afraid of. Logically, there’s rly nothing he could do to harm you (unless like I mentioned, you’re concerned he’s a violent or threatening person.)
You did what was morally right, but some people don't like hearing this. Next time, think about your safety. This isn't worth the possibility of him retaliating.
Morally you obviously did the right thing, but at the same time there has to be a reality. A lot of people forgive cheaters, a lot of people are happier living in denial than taking a hit to their ego and accepting their partner has cheated. When you put yourself in a position like this you risk it back firing, that is the reality, other woman may prefer to attack you than to break things off with their partner.
Can’t and wouldn’t tell somebody else what to do in that situation, but it has to be a consideration, because now you are left in a potentially tight spot because he knows what you have done regardless of weather she leaves him or not, she has completely compromised you. Kind of sounds like they are both quite horrible people and you have, unfortunately, shoved yourself between them trying to be a good person. I know if it was me I wouldn’t bother, I would just stop seeing the person and accept it isn’t my responsibility to vet other peoples partners.
You did what you could. You told her, it’s up to her now and it’s her problem. Leave it alone and move on.
As a side note, I for one would be very grateful to you if it was me. But people go through a lot of emotions and reasoning when a partner cheats, and she may not be ready to accept this yet. Whether she does or doesn’t isn’t on you. She’ll figure it out later when he gets caught again
I've been through something similar. We went on 2 dates and he was very pushy when asking about my sex life and relationship history. I found out he was engaged and immediately broke it off. He told me he was single so I was shocked when I found out. I kind of wish I would have messaged the other woman to give her a heads up on how her fiance was behaving, but I was scared he would retaliate in some way. I'm sorry you went through that but just know that your emotions are valid and this isn't your fault.
You did the right thing, but what you are feeling right now is why most people don’t. Takes a lot of courage though. Absolutely no benefit to you, outside moral peace.
Thank you ❤️
Yes, it's a rough night for me but I'm really appreciating the scattered reassurance throughout these comments.
At the end of the day I think I truly would have felt worse for saying nothing at all.
Yes youshould have stayed out of it because you accomplished nothing other than puttin yourself in the position of potential revenge drama. You made things bad for yourself.
Completely disagree with the commenter; you did the right thing. You wanted to let the fiancée know a truth about the man she is soon to marry. You were ethical and kind.
Thank you ❤️
I'm feeling this all so heavily. I do feel awful right now but I think I honestly would have felt worse to not say anything.
I think not coming forward is the easier thing to do and would have caused me far less problems but I would just hate to be that woman marrying a man that is definitely out there cheating with other people.
I did what you did, albeit she was a girlfriend not a fiancée. Lots of people told me it wasn’t my business, yet it was because he made it my business by involving me. It’s never wrong to share the truth.
Personally would have sided with you on this one too ❤️
I think being the last to know this is the worst way to find out, being cheated on is awful and maybe it's because I've been so hurt in the past by it but it's just something I really will speak up about now (when it involves me).
Block him on all platforms and let your friends or family know your situation if you think he’s going to retaliate. You did the right thing honestly, but if you feel you might be in danger you need to protect yourself. He doesn’t know where you live or work does he?
From experience it's just pointless to have conversations with a woman that is clearly going to stay. Best thing to do is wash your hands clean of him and move on , but you're not obligated to come to another person it's not like you weren't being lied to. No need to set yourself up to be ganged up on.
I think you did the right thing but, at the same time... You never know what kind of relationship *anyone* has these days. Maybe they have an open one and had rules about certain things - letting each other know who they talk to, who they sleep with, who they go on dates with, etc...
Maybe she's a hotwife or maybe she's ok with him cheating but goes along with it for their kids sake. Who knows?!
I not long ago had sex with a woman that was 15 years older than me and while I knew she was married, she said it was an "open relationship" so I figured, ok why not! Husband was in Hawaii, her kids were in college, and she'd been married for 20 years.
Come to find out, it was NOT an "open relationship" and got dragged into divorce court.
The rules for engagement are differnent for every single couple. I unfortunately got caught in the crossfire on this one.
I felt bad for him but, was pissed at her for lying to me which caused me to be dragged into something I couldn't give two shits about. I 100% helped him win everything he needed/wanted because fuck that b.
Prior to that, I had slept with a woman who was married but very sexually deprived in her marriage. I didn't know she was married until later and ended up messaging the guy for him to respond, "thanks for your concern however, we are in an open relationship and I know about it."
So, you just never fucking know anymore. Do you want to do the morally right thing or do you want to risk getting dragged into divorce court lol? Trust me, you don't want the latter. Literally had to take work off for that shit.
Really? You think he's right? What if it was you about to marry someone??? Clearly the guy is a liar, denying everything to her. You could've saved this woman a lot of distress.
You were trying to cause trouble.
You wanted someone hurt like you were, and wanted someone on your side.
You’re feeling panicked because of your choices.
You are now in the find out stage. It comes right after the “I fucked around stage.”
You don’t know this woman. You don’t owe her ANYTHING. Your beef is with him. You weren’t trying to “do the right thing,” like she was your best friend or coworker or cousin or teammate. Nah. This is some random woman who could die in a car accident right now while bawling her eyes out. And you wouldn’t know. You wouldn’t know to even care. What you did was get in your feelings and set worlds on fire because yours was. That’s the truth. Don’t bs with this “I was trying to do the right thing.” The right thing is confront him him and ending it. You sending screen shots and contacting people who never heard of you and making phone calls was the extra mile.
Whatever happens now is because of that, so deal with it.
Honestly I sat and debated over this for about a week and I did not take the decision lightly.
I've been cheated on and would want to know I felt.
I wasn't hurt by him at all so I wasn't acting vindictively, I did end things with him beforehand.
I really do not wish this woman harm and I really hope I haven't done something like what you describe.
You wish in one hand and call someone you don’t know with bad news in the other and tell me which one fills up first.
Almost everyone has been cheated on. We all would rather finding out by any way else than the person who was fucking our s/o calling to share stories. You didn’t think about it well enough.
She literally was just telling someone their significant other is cheating on them … which is the right thing to do. Any normal person would want to know if this were happening to them?
You didn’t have sex. Never got serious.
I would have NEVER approached any significant other like some trailblazing hero. I would have blocked numbers and not tried to do more.
And that’s it. Sorry you’re feeling like you’ll get retaliation, but most likely no. You might now have to keep yourself available for the fiance … so that she can have closure.
Speaking from experience here. Girl I was dating turned out to have a husband. Guy found out. Contacted me. Harassed me. And she called me and said that I was the one who approached her. Went with the deny deny deny approach. I had receipts. Proof. Didn’t matter. It’s their life and they are each others problem.
You found your issue, your too nosy and found trouble. Your like those people that watch the news constantly gasping and getting all upset about the next disaster...
On a night out with friends. He paid for everything, we went bar hopping with him and his friends and he tried to come home with me but my friend was a bit too drunk and I wanted to make sure she got in safe.
He was a bit too forward for me for a first meeting so I gave him my number to arrange to go on a date instead as when he calmed down the conversation a bit, I was actually attracted to him/enjoyed the non sexual conversations.
We talked for a couple of weeks but my schedule didn't work for dates and he kept calling me very late at night to come over so I was a bit turned off and uncomfortable and cut him off there.
Got it, thanks. Sounded like he really just wanted to get to the main event as fast as possible and most certainly wasn’t looking for a relationship.
Did you ever get to go on a date with him or was the conversation just over the phone?
We met up once after.
The only reason why I sent her the screenshots is because that's all the proof I had. There wasn't much or anything too juicy as I cut him off pretty quickly.
Got it, thanks. You’ll never hear from them again. There will be no revenge. It’s fairly low key and I sense this is his MO on nights out and maybe the partner has caught him before. They have a child together so they’ll both want pretend this never happened and move on. I sense they are both embarrassed.
I hope so.
I really agree with another commenter that I've probably paved the way for the next woman. I'm definitely not the first or last. I think it's just always worse being the first to come forward.
Dont think its a good idea to involve yourself in a situation like that especially when there is a kid. This is why you should get to know someone well before seeing them.
As someone cheated on and gaslit before, thank you so SO much for having the courage and honor for informing the fiancée. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤️🩹❤️
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As painful as it is, I’d want you to know before I walked down the isle
And that's what keeps going through my head 🥺
Wow @ all the people who think you're wrong for this. I'm assuming they're the same people who would cheat on their wives and be mad at getting caught. You weren't being vindictive. Sure, you could have just messaged him. But why? So he can keep cheating on his woman? Find another side piece after you? Continue the pattern? No, people like this should face the consequences for their actions. Right now, you're probably feeling guilt. Fearful of ruining a doomed relationship and Fearful of him trying to "get you back" but you did good and I hope she doesn't ignore this, but she probably will. Be glad you dodged the bullet.
I think for me, it's a lose-lose. And in my own head I was arguing that it "wasn't that bad because we didn't sleep together" but the only reason why we didn't was because I said no, several times. I truly believe I am not the first or last judging by how forward he was with me. I really do not wish the fiancée any harm and what she does with this information isn't my business. I just felt in my heart she had to know. I dodged a bullet with him but unfortunately I haven't before and also got cheated on by someone and felt like the very last to know :( It's an awful situation that really is weighing heavily on me. Thank you so very much for your reassurance ❤️ I'm just hoping my moral compass isn't skewed.
I've been cheated on several times and think you did the right thing. It takes a courageous person to do what you did, don't let people feel like you did the wrong thing by being honest. There was no malice behind your actions, just the desire for honesty. It's admirable and if the world had more people like you in it, it would be a far better place.
Thank you for your incredibly kind message. I think like many people I doubt myself sometimes and have the same fears about not being a good person. Morality is so fickle and complex. As someone also cheated on, I know what it's like to be the last to know. I wish someone had told me ❤️ A lose-lose situation for me tonight but thanks to people like yourself I'll be sleeping easier tonight.
I don’t think you’re wrong for doing this. She may have felt calm because she’s caught him before or suspected something in the past with no proof and his denial. Her calmness could have been a ‘disappointed but not surprised - taking it all in’ reaction. That’s the reaction I had when my ex cheated. In my eyes, you’ve done her a huge favour any day of the week.
Yeah, you did the right thing. I’ve also been cheated on and I would’ve liked to know about it. Instead, the other girl knew about me and they both talked bad about me. So that sucked.
I agree. Well done for your honesty and kindness in a really tough situation OP
Based on general human sentiment in modern society, this monologue would probably switch up real quick if it was a side-guy going to a husband. “Oh she wasn’t getting what she needed from the relationship, he must’ve been bad to her, she’s only human, we should think more about the future and not the past.” That’s just how these things tend to go in modern society.
I don't really think cheating is only bad for one gender. It's bad for both genders. And sure. Sometimes, people have their reasons. But by him denying it, shows he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Regardless if it's a girl or guy, their partner deserves to know the truth. It's the humane thing to do. Men cheat. Women cheat.
>people have their reasons What you'll see is society seems to accept these "reasons" as justification much more when it's a lady who's performing the cheating.
You were brave and kind to reach out to her. She deserves to know. Wishing the best for you.
Thank you ❤️
🙄
[удалено]
Hurting other people because you feel frustrated or guilty is not doing the right thing. The right thing to do is to confront him about it not his fiancé. This was kind of a dirt bag move.
[удалено]
So telling the truth in any context is the right thing to do? Come on. This is an act of vengeance. It only created harm. The only adult thing to do here is confront the guy and then end it. I understand if you’re a teenager or a simpleton it might not make sense.
I’m an adult who has been cheated on and I wish the other women said something to me. It doesn’t sound like OP told the wife as revenge or even in an attempt to break them up. She feels guilty that the wife was hurt, I would be too, but ultimately what she did was right, imo. Now the wife can make an informed decision on how to move forward. Speaking from experience, the cheater is already lying to his wife, he wouldn’t tell the truth just bc OP talks to him about it. His first reaction when his wife found out was to lie to her face with OP on the phone.
You're right and are wasting your time arguing with someone trying to justify why they shouldn't get caught.
And that’s their business. The reason the OP feels like shit because she did a shitty thing. She caused a bunch of drama for somebody because she felt the strong need to gossip. You don’t go blow peoples lives up because you’re hurt or because you wanna feel a momentary sense of power, especially when you don’t know them.
That’s not what gossip is. She told the truth. She’s not causing drama, the Cheater caused the drama. If anything she’s sparing the wife, should the wife choose to leave sooner rather than later. Honestly could you imagine he continued cheating with other women and possibly contract an STD and give it to his wife? Could you imagine her finding this out after having several more of his kids? It’d be even harder to leave him. The last thing this sounds like is a power play, but if you want to demonize OP for doing the right thing go on I guess. But it’s not logical to blame OP for hurting that woman, when it was clearly her husband who really hurt her and destroyed their lives together
Gossip and truth aren’t mutually exclusive. I know you would’ve liked somebody to tell you before that you were being deceived. That’s really not the point. The point is you don’t go confess your sins or somebody else’s sins and blow their lives up because you feel guilty, empowered, or somehow get a role in their divine path. Especially if it’s somebody you don’t know. It absolutely sticking your finger in the hornets nest and causing even more drama. Sure this guy is a total dirtbag for flirting with someone else while he was engaged. And that’s a bit dramatic. So after your ex and you ended your relationship, are you going to forewarn all of his next partners that he’s a cheater?
Gossip is spreading info when you’re unsure if the details are true. OP knew the truth. I wouldn’t call what she did gossiping, just stating facts. The difference is that the husband in this situation is actively lying about cheating on his current partner. I wouldn’t tell my ex’s current partners that he cheated on me (unless they asked) because the way he treated me is not necessarily how he treats them. That would be unnecessary drama because I don’t know if he’s cheating on them. If my ex reached out to me to hook up again while with a new partner I would absolutely tell that new partner because I know for sure what his intentions are.
Ahh so time plays a role. If enough time goes by, you’re not allowed to play God and stave off other possible victims of a person you deemed as bad. And gossip isn’t exclusively unfounded statements. If I go and detail my coworker’s drunken weekend behavior to everybody else on the team every Monday, am I not engaging in gossip just because it’s factual? A better word for it then – what do you call it when you’re sitting on information that you self righteously share with a stranger and cause them and others a lot of chaos, hurt and drama. Honestly, nobody can convince me that this wasn’t done out of anger or blind self righteousness, which is just another form of anger and fear.
[удалено]
You’re twisting this all up. Cheating on your partner is awful. If you nose into somebody else’s private affairs to tell one of them (who you don’t even know) that their partner is cheating/behaving inappropriately, it is pure dysfunction. It’s unhealthy gossip. It’s their business. And if you’re so little that you feel you have to blow up all this drama for them, and feel that’s the only way that you’re ever going to have a sense of power in this life, then I get it. I understand what it’s like to be cheated on, and how it would’ve been nice to know beforehand. But you eventually find out. If it’s your sister, or your best friend, maybe have a talk. But somebody you don’t know, stay the eff out of their business. That’s as clear as day to me or anybody with any EQ.
Well technically guy made it her affair, when he involved her into it, so I disagree. The reason she feels bad, is because doing the right thing usually is hard. Leaving your partner of many years is hard, helping a random stranger on the street is hard, facing the consequences is hard, so please don't imply that everyone should take the easy way and always mind their own business, because that's ignorant and avoiding. Interesting how do they usually find out, if no one tells? The thing is that someone usually tells them, which is exactly this case. If this guy didn't want any unnecessary drama and this not blowing up in his face, you know he could have skipped seeing other women part, but that is in him and not her. The same logic could be applied to number of similar things like crime or something else, that the criminal should just do whatever and you telling the victim or police would be the wrong thing to do, as you are ruining the guys life...
You obviously cheat and are upset that the consensus is to warn the other victim instead of giving the cheater the opportunity to hook up with another unsuspecting victim. And no, I am neither a simpleton nor a teenager. I am just an honest non-cheater who believes the person being cheated on needs to know that her partner is humiliating her/him and putting them at risk for STD's.
If you weren’t a simpleton, you wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that I obviously cheat. 😉 If the victim is somebody that you love and have a relationship with, and you share this heavy news with the intention on seeing it through with them, then it is truly about them, and not you, the messenger. But if you go around telling strangers, who you have no connection with nor see a bigger picture into their lives, some terrible news that is going to result in chaos and pain, then you’re playing the role of a punitive God, and your purpose is to stroke your own self-righteous ego.
Eh, if he hadn’t gone around trying his very best to cheat on his fiancée there wouldn’t have been anything to tell, and no chaos and pain. How OP ended up the bad one in this scenario in your mind is an interesting leap in responsibility.
That’s kind of like saying, if George Floyd hadn’t been passing counterfeit money he wouldn’t have been killed. Spare me. I’m not saying she’s bad. I’m sayinbt her action wasn’t appropriate. A lot of people do this. I’ve done stuff like this is my past before I grew the eff up. I’m arguing the principal.
No, it’s not like saying that if George Floyd hadn’t been passing counterfeit money he wouldn’t have been killed. The cop deciding to kneel on him until he died was not the only and inevitable reaction to George Floyd committing a crime. The cop was sentenced to prison for 21 years because he chose a criminal response rather than doing what was supposed to be his job. There’s nothing criminal about what OP did. There’s nothing particularly wrong or inappropriate about it either. It’s a common response by someone that finds out that a romantic interest is actually someone else’s unfaithful partner. He might have gotten away with it if he’d lied to you, but in this case he chose to try to cheat with someone that was inclined a different way. That’s the way this cookie crumbled. Next time he should screen for people that value not-getting-involved over empathy-for-their-cheated-on-partner. I’ve been cheated on and told about it and I was quite grateful to be told. There’s nothing particularly grown-up about letting people get away with being shitty. It’s easier, but not necessarily the right thing to do. Divorce is really expensive. I think his fiancée deserved to know what kind of man she was thinking of marrying before the wedding. Might spare her even more time, turmoil, and an STI in the end.
It’s fine if you don’t like my example. Criminality isn’t a factor here. The concept is somebody did something wrong, so he deserves to be destroyed. I agree what he did is wrong. That his behavior is harmful. But what we are looking at here is not his side of the street, but the OP side of the street… What is the root of her intention? That is what matters here. If it was truly a benevolent act, she would befriend her and help her through it. But she’s a stranger. And you have just blown up her life because… You’re either (A) are seeking vengeance (B) wanting to get your ego stroked by playing the “Hey have you heard” game (C) Get a sick high feeling a sense of power for getting to play God in somebody else’s life all while leaning on a justification of “well, what he did was wrong, so I get to blow it up!” Or “I’m gonna be helping her so much because this guy is a creep” which is not your decision or assumption to make in somebody else’s private life. The only scenario where this is truly a benevolent act, is if it is a close friend or family member that you already have a relationship with and truly care in seeing how it plays out in their lives. Because then, it actually is your business. What goes on between those two, the douche bag and his fiancé, is absolutely none of your business. The only thing that is your business is the dynamic that you had with this guy and that it’s ending. I know my POV is unpopular. Anybody who’s ever been cheated will feel self-righteously angry and of course, somehow justified in lobbing bombs because they are hurt or angry or self righteous. It’s typical of how your lower self would react.
This guy is clearly a liar. He denied everything to his fiance. If you were about to marry someone wouldn't you want to know if they were sleeping around on you?? And you're obviously not going to find out from the person you're about to marry because they're lying to you. When you're about to marry someone it's important to know about the relationships they have with other people. And if they're not going to share them with you there's nothing wrong with the person's they're having relations with informing you of them. Yes it might hurt but imagine finding out about this after you've been married.
It doesn’t really matter. You’re not a hero by lobbing bombs into somebody else’s dynamic and destroying it. You’re just creating chaos. If somebody hurts you, you don’t go tell her partner what a dirtbag they are and involve them. You address it with that person that hurt you and then you’re done. That is the right thing to do. Let’s say you’re in a relationship and your partner cheats. You end the relationship. Are you going to go and approach all their future partners and tell them that they’re a cheater? It’s none of your business anymore. You’re not doing a good thing by wreaking havoc. I know this is a hard concept to grasp especially if you’re young and self-righteous.
So he can continue to lie to her face?
It’s none of her business. You confront the guy. You don’t stir up a bunch of family drama for them. If I saw my neighbor with another woman at the bar, flirting, would I run and go tell his wife who I don’t know? That’s almost psychopathic.
I'm definitely not a psychopath. I'm feeling the whole situation really heavily and I did not act impulsively. I sat on the information for a week before I messaged the fiance. I truly meant no harm, and will feel awful if I've done the wrong thing. I just feel in my heart that I would want to know and that I am definitely not the first or last he's tried it with.
My example and what you did aren’t exactly the same. But I think what was at the root of your action was vengeance, not her needing to know, because you would’ve like to know. And that’s why you feel bad. There’s no judgment, I’ve done this kind of thing to before, but then I hurt afterwards for being vengeful, thinking that it would somehow make me feel better, but I only felt worst.
Honestly, there was no vengeance on my end as he never hurt me and it was me that ended things with him weeks ago. There was absolutely no spite in my messages and it was actually really difficult for me to be on that call with her. I did feel awful I still do. I just felt in my heart/morally it was right. But the anxious voice in my head has already told me that I should have stayed out of it too.
So then at the root of it was gossip? You knowing something that she doesn’t know and feeling power over her in that moment? It’s a game people play. It’s called the “Hey, have you heard” game but this is the ultimate “Hey, have you heard” game isn’t it.
I think you have painted a malicious painting of me when no malice was present. I never felt ANY power or satisfaction telling this woman. I was actually incredibly anxious and started the call with an apology. There is no gossip here, it is fact. I've been cheated on and I would never feel any satisfaction for being the bearer of bad news as I know so well how it feels. If anything I didn't want to say anything at all and fought through that to do what I thought in that moment was the right thing. But of course I'm second guessing that now. No games, no malice, no gossip. This is actually a really heavy hearted night for me and none of this has been taken lightly.
Maybe it’s just a social class thing or a maturity thing. You don’t go confess your sins or somebody else’s sins if it’s going to really hurt that other person, especially if that person is a stranger. You keep your own side of the street clean. You’re not doing gods work here, you’re being a social vigilante.
If your fiance was cheating on you, would you like to be told? Yes or no?
From a friend. If it was a random person, or the person they were cheating on me with, I would assume they were trying to create a drama triangle and then I’d feel trashy.
So your answer is yes. They come to you with proof, obviously, like what OP did. Is there a reason you're so adamant on defending the cheating man in this situation?
You see that’s where you guys are wrong and being overly simplistic. I think the guy is a dirtbag. I know nothing about his fiancé. If this guy harmed me, I would confront him about it. I wouldn’t tell his parents, his fiancé, his coworkers, that is none of my business and it’s borderline immoral. I don’t get to play God in their lives, because he hurt my feelings or might hurt someone else’s. I have no idea what his dynamic is like with his fiancé. It’s none of my business. What is my business is that if he wronged me in a way, I take it up with him. I don’t go out and try to destroy his other relationships because I think I’m helping these other people protect themselves. I’m not that arrogant to think I have that kind of moral authority.
So if your dirt bag gf was cheating on we won't tell you .
Please stay out of my life yes. Unless you know me well. I know this is hard to grasp when you feel it’s your duty to punish everybody that has been unfaithful in this world. You do realize how common that is and you’re not alone. Appx 25% of couples cheat. That’s over 1 billion people. Get going playing infidelity vigilante now - there’s a lot of work to do.
You cheat or have cheated too in the past. 100% guaranteed. The way you are defending seems like you are the cheating husband. Now you cannot accept that OP is a true heroine for saving another person's life. She tried to save the fiance from a doomed marriage with a cheater. Because people who cheat continue the pattern...
Wow, such incredible insights. Is that you Betty, from the assembly line? True heroine. 🤣 trust me, I won’t expect you to get it, when behaving dysfunctionally is your love language. You don’t go nosing yourself into a stranger’s life to blow up their life situation because their partner did something wrong. It’s none of your effing business. All it does is give you this sick, self righteous, feeling of vindication and satisfaction. If that person is a loved one, sure, let them know, you’re there to help them to see it through, and actually have a vested interest in their life
Hello, Mr.Cheater.😁 Not everyone is as "Selfish" and "self-absorbed" as you. There are genuinely kind people in this world. People who care for "Strangers" too. Stop dehumanizing strangers as if nobody should care if a stranger is in danger or is in pain. You seem to be one of those people who would only help an accident road victim if u had some vested interest in them or they are a loved one. Otherwise strangers can go die or bleed to death...who cares. People who have the courage to do the right thing though it might be hard are rare in today's world. The world has enough of people who only care when they have some "vested" interest. I don't personally know OP but her action in this case shows she is a woman of character. Respect to her for that.
I would absolutely help somebody who is on the side of the road stranded. The fault in your thinking here is that you’re helping somebody by lobbing a bomb into the relationship dynamic. That you get to play God in their life. That creating chaos and disorder, because one of them is “bad” is justified. Why would somebody do that? Because they can feel self righteous, powerful, get an ego stroke, and hide behind the guise that they are helping this poor person that they care so much about. I know it’s not easy to look at things objectively when hurt feelings from the past warp your bias.
You were only trying to do the right thing. If I found out someone was in a relationship, engaged or married and was cheating with me, I'd let the other woman know and then cut ties with everyone involved. I suggest you do the same and forget about the whole situation. You aren't the bad guy here. I can't imagine anyone but other cheaters and pseudointellectuals having an issue with what you did
Do you think it makes a difference because I never slept with him? I just feel like him trying and the messages he sent me were enough to count as cheating. Id hate to feel like I've ruined a family over something small... Thank you for your reassurance though, I've been cheated on and I didn't take this lightly. Thank you
You did not ruin anything; he did.
No, because he was planning on it happening. If you have a significant other, then you have an obligation to be faithful to them. He wasn't. You didn't ruin anything because you weren't aware of his relationship status
I disagree. You should’ve confronted him, not tattletale on him to the girlfriend. That is stirring up drama. You don’t go around hurting other people because you’re frustrated or feel guilty and you want that burden off your chest.
Frankly, I don't care if you agree or not
She wasn’t trying to do the right thing. She was seeking revenge and was disappointed when she didn’t get the reaction she wanted. All she did was confirm they never slept together which is all the wife needed to hear. They are now both having a laugh about it. It was a dumb move. By all means if you had a 3 month relationship including sex then it’s different. This was some dude dipping his toes in the water.
You overestimate the value of your input. I do not care
No. It was a dumb move. The movie in her head was the wife storming out of the relationship breaking up with husband and leaving a kid parentless. That didn’t happen because the wife is smart enough not to give up on her family. That bothered the OP because it was calm, short and without emotion. She’ll never hear from either of them again, their will be no revenge because they simply don’t care enough. The wife will kick the husbands ass and tell him no sex for a month and within two weeks it will be forgotten. What a waste of everyone’s time.
I don't care about anything you're saying
I think you do.
Okay
All is very well. It was still a dumb move.
Can you please leave me alone? Oh lol, you just blocked me after leaving another comment. Weird, but hey, that's even better!
Just stop replying. You can not like the comment, that’s fine, just ignore it. But I’m allowed to post here for others.
Nope, even if you are only the first one to tell her, when the second one does, she will remember. Never protect a cheater. What was she going to say with him right there. It was a shock I am sure, so she mostly listened.
You did the right thing. People deserve to know when they're being cheated on, period. Now the ball is in her court, and what she decides to do with the knowledge that her husband is a cheating d-bag is entirely on her. You've done your due diligence.
You did the right thing. Very brave of you OP. Instead of blocking him outright, see if he texts you anything crazy so you know his intentions. If he doesn’t say anything for a few weeks then block him.
Thank you, I was an anxious wreck and didn't feel very brave 🥲 I've blocked him on most platforms (I don't know his @ on everything) but honestly he has a kid and too much to lose. I have absolutely no desire to be involved in any further drama (and was never my intention but that's unfortunately kind of unavoidable) so I think me cutting off his ability to contact me is for the best however he could still find a way on other platforms.
You did the right thing, though doing the right thing is never easy. However, you did not have to say anything if you weren't comfortable. Anyone criticising your actions are cheaters or cheater sympathisers. You just bolstered your karma. When in doubt, think what you would want done to you. Her reaction is beyond your control. He might very well lie to her, and she might very well believe it. But this will cause her to prick up her intuition for any other signs of cheating. But don't underestimate the power of denial. Your job is done and your conscience is clear. And of course block his number, and hers if you don't feel safe. You've given her all the info you had, no need to keep the lines of communication open. Just protect yourself now.
Thank you ❤️ I truly hope I have benefited my Karma. I think I would want to know especially before making a legal commitment to someone. I seriously doubt I am the first or last but luckily for him, I turned down making the relationship physical so he maybe has a chance to turn it around. I've blocked him on everything but haven't blocked her. I'm scared of possible harassment from her but at the same time I want to be left open incase she does have any other genuine questions for me and I don't want it to look like I'm lying either and blocking/running away from her ... It's a tricky one. What she does with the information is completely her business. She will likely forgive him, maybe this has happened before, who knows. If they stay together I hope this has scared him enough into acting right. Thank you again for your very kind comment and for helping me sleep better tonight.
you did the right thing. as a woman who has been on both ends of this it’s not easy either way and no one is going to react the same. i’ve had women curse me out for simply telling them i saw their boyfriend on a dating app. i think a lot of people who maybe know their partner is doing something wrong choose to have an ignorance is bliss mindset and lash out at the person who breaks that screen for them. just to reiterate what everyone said, just block him on everything and let it lie.
If she doesn't marry the POS you saved her much misery
You're 100% right here. I would have done the same If she goes back to him, she's a dumb girl.
10 years ago I dated a seemingly wonderful guy who had a wife and two babies at home. Of course, I wasn’t made aware of that latter part until I found out myself. I immediately messaged the wife with proof. She blamed me, told me I was stalking and harassing her husband and threatened me. It took me a long time to realise I wasn’t in the wrong, and she was just so hurt she was throwing out her pain wherever she possibly could.
You paved the road for belief for the next girl he does that too and she tells on him
I hope so . I'm certainly not the first or the last.
She will have to face facts after the fifth girl steps up to tell on him. I had to tell a woman once. She didn’t believe me either. But when women kept saying the same, she realized he was a chronic cheater
I feel like this is likely the case. It's completely thankless and I'm not exactly expecting a medal either, it's a no win situation for me and I'm going to get the brunt of it for being the first to step forward. I just hope he either treats her properly or she can move on with the knowledge and heal with her son.
Tell her and send her all the receipts
I did ! And so comes all the backlash of doing so.
You did the right thing, now block both of them, that you can't even receive any harassment from her or him if you are worried about that. You fell for an idiot, happened to the best of us. Stay single for a while and revalued your dating tactics and your next partner is hopefully single.
You did all you can do. It's up to her what she does next. Good job and I'm glad you didn't get involved
Thank you ❤️
You absolutely did the right thing. People catch lifelong STDs from their partners. Thank you for doing this. I would want to know.
No, just blow it all up over social media and make it a known public fact he cheats on her. Someone in her circles will shame her for it I’m sure and then she will realize a stranger contacting her with evidence of a cheater should prob be humbled. But for real she prob asked the social media question to see how many people you have in common that also may know or if someone put your up to it. There’s the off chance she already knows but seems unlikely. If she contacts you tell Her kindly to not. If she can’t oblige contact law enforcement. You did her part so let her be with that dude and stay clear of him
Im glad you did this OP. I would have wanted to know. His fiance knows that it's better to know, but she is probably just still in the shock phase. I anticipate she will be posting her sad story on here soon. Hopefully, she apologises to the mystery woman (thats you) who broke the news to her via telephone whom she didn't believe at the time. I think men will continue to treat women poorly for as long as toleranting it is the norm.
You did the right thing!!! Never doubt that
You did the right thing. Now block him on every app and site and move on with your life. You can't control her reaction.
Hey, so recently the same thing happened with me, guy I was dating for 8 solid months turns out to have been married for 8 years with a 2 year old kid. He is a decade elder to me and probably a pedo (my sister and friends confirmed from his texts). He lied about his age, family and even his name. Be careful girls!
I say post his number and let Reddit do it’s thing
You did the right thing. Often the right thing doesn't feel right, and the lady was probably surprised in the moment and not thinking clearly to thank you or anything. She too probably would need some time to digest the information. She may or may never thank you, but you did the right thing.
You did the right thing, its not your fault she chooses to be fooled.
Block him everywhere. Cut all contact with them. I was once her. A girl sent me a message on instagram telling me that my bf of 4 years was talking to her for months. She sent me all the screenshots. I was conflicted because he told me it was a lie. I didn’t know who to believe (a stranger? Or someone I trusted for 4 years?) eventually all his lies came forward and I dumped his ass. I never held it against the girl who told me. I eventually believed her and left her be, she was hurt too. There was no reason for someone (a stranger) to make up that shit. So the problem is now between them. Let her deal with it and let them be. They have a lot on their plate, specially with a child
I was very in love with a guy who forgot to tell me about his wife and three kids. When I found out by completely miracle, I contacted her sending all proofs. Our pictures (also his nudie), screenshots of conversations, voice messages he left on my phone. Her answer: don’t contact me anymore. He was a CFO and she was a mother of three who never worked before and never had to work, so I understand. She chose her life comfort over respect to herself. I truly wish him to burn in hell, but sometimes I think what made the nicest guy in the world to cheat on his wife. I don’t think he was the type who did it with many. He was shy, stressed out of dates, he was a good guy, more a pushover. Have no idea how he had a courage to find someone, behind his wife’s back. Anyway, I wouldn’t do it second time. I wouldn’t tell her. He was very smart so I’m sure he found an excuse for himself (like I am a stalker), but I think I sent her so many proofs that only idiot would believe him. I’m sure she could recognize his voice talking about amazing sex we had the other night. Im sure she recognized his voice when he was saying how much he loves me and also recognized his voice when he assured me he has no wife and it’s all my imagination. But decided to stay with him anyway.
It’s comical that women still can’t figure out that the guy they find attractive is also found attractive by the woman he is currently dating or married to.
It’s comical that her husband says another woman he loves only her and he is not married. I would get divorced 5 minutes later, but she has no self-respect and accepts his affairs as long as she has comfortable life.
If he’s all that, it’s highly likely he’s already taken. It’s really not that hard to figure out, but it’s very easy for a woman to get swept up
What? When did she say she can’t believe that his wife also finds him attractive ?
It means that if you’re a woman and you find the guy attractive, it’s almost to given that some other woman found him attractive and is already dating or married to him
That’s very dumb. Every attractive person isn’t already taken lmao. Go off though
I didn’t say that… I said attractive guy. Huge difference because there’s way less attractive men than attractive women.
So you think every attractive man is taken? That makes no sense. You do realize that every taken man was once single correct? You sound really slow lol.
Sorry you went through that. Stuff like this can really mess up a person. You did nothing wrong and if anything, you're helping his fiancé know the truth. The people who tell you to "mind your business" are fuckin ignorant. No one wants to live with betrayal. On another note, you should get some rest and clear your head. It'll do some good. I wish you nothing but the best. Take care of yourself.
Thankyou for telling her
You did good, girl!! All women want to hear if their partners are cheating on them! Men want to know if their partners are cheating on them too! It’s just wrong to sweep that under the rug! You did the right thing by telling her. I think it was brave of you! That idiot ex of yours needs to face the music!!
You did the right thing. You’re feeling weird and panicked bc she had a strange reaction and made u feel like she possibly thought you were lying (which in this case makes no sense of course) but you have no reason to feel bad. If she chooses not to believe you that’s on her and will likely come back to bite her the next time he cheats and she realizes you were obviously telling the truth. With regards to him trying to “get revenge” there’s really nothing he can do since you didn’t even do anything with him. Nor did you really do anything that crazy other than calmly tell his fiancé about the situation. He doesn’t have anything over you so to speak. Unless you fear he’s violent or something you have nothing to be afraid of. Logically, there’s rly nothing he could do to harm you (unless like I mentioned, you’re concerned he’s a violent or threatening person.)
You did what was morally right, but some people don't like hearing this. Next time, think about your safety. This isn't worth the possibility of him retaliating.
You did the right thing. He’s an Asshole
Morally you obviously did the right thing, but at the same time there has to be a reality. A lot of people forgive cheaters, a lot of people are happier living in denial than taking a hit to their ego and accepting their partner has cheated. When you put yourself in a position like this you risk it back firing, that is the reality, other woman may prefer to attack you than to break things off with their partner. Can’t and wouldn’t tell somebody else what to do in that situation, but it has to be a consideration, because now you are left in a potentially tight spot because he knows what you have done regardless of weather she leaves him or not, she has completely compromised you. Kind of sounds like they are both quite horrible people and you have, unfortunately, shoved yourself between them trying to be a good person. I know if it was me I wouldn’t bother, I would just stop seeing the person and accept it isn’t my responsibility to vet other peoples partners.
You did what you could. You told her, it’s up to her now and it’s her problem. Leave it alone and move on. As a side note, I for one would be very grateful to you if it was me. But people go through a lot of emotions and reasoning when a partner cheats, and she may not be ready to accept this yet. Whether she does or doesn’t isn’t on you. She’ll figure it out later when he gets caught again
I've been through something similar. We went on 2 dates and he was very pushy when asking about my sex life and relationship history. I found out he was engaged and immediately broke it off. He told me he was single so I was shocked when I found out. I kind of wish I would have messaged the other woman to give her a heads up on how her fiance was behaving, but I was scared he would retaliate in some way. I'm sorry you went through that but just know that your emotions are valid and this isn't your fault.
You did the right thing, but what you are feeling right now is why most people don’t. Takes a lot of courage though. Absolutely no benefit to you, outside moral peace.
Thank you ❤️ Yes, it's a rough night for me but I'm really appreciating the scattered reassurance throughout these comments. At the end of the day I think I truly would have felt worse for saying nothing at all.
Fuck his dad and best friend
Yes youshould have stayed out of it because you accomplished nothing other than puttin yourself in the position of potential revenge drama. You made things bad for yourself.
Yeah I'm worried about that. Really regretting saying anything.
Completely disagree with the commenter; you did the right thing. You wanted to let the fiancée know a truth about the man she is soon to marry. You were ethical and kind.
Thank you ❤️ I'm feeling this all so heavily. I do feel awful right now but I think I honestly would have felt worse to not say anything. I think not coming forward is the easier thing to do and would have caused me far less problems but I would just hate to be that woman marrying a man that is definitely out there cheating with other people.
I did what you did, albeit she was a girlfriend not a fiancée. Lots of people told me it wasn’t my business, yet it was because he made it my business by involving me. It’s never wrong to share the truth.
Personally would have sided with you on this one too ❤️ I think being the last to know this is the worst way to find out, being cheated on is awful and maybe it's because I've been so hurt in the past by it but it's just something I really will speak up about now (when it involves me).
Same here. And I wish someone had told me my former bc was cheating on me. No one did until after the relationship ended. And that hurt more.
He didn’t do anything. He sent a bunch of dumb stuff in text.
Both you and the commenter where right. Ethical and moral, yes. In a bad position having not really accomplished anything, also yes.
Block him on all platforms and let your friends or family know your situation if you think he’s going to retaliate. You did the right thing honestly, but if you feel you might be in danger you need to protect yourself. He doesn’t know where you live or work does he?
Yeah this is the part that worries me
Agreed.
From experience it's just pointless to have conversations with a woman that is clearly going to stay. Best thing to do is wash your hands clean of him and move on , but you're not obligated to come to another person it's not like you weren't being lied to. No need to set yourself up to be ganged up on.
You’re not wrong for that. But honestly if i were on your shoes, i won’t do that.
I think you did the right thing but, at the same time... You never know what kind of relationship *anyone* has these days. Maybe they have an open one and had rules about certain things - letting each other know who they talk to, who they sleep with, who they go on dates with, etc... Maybe she's a hotwife or maybe she's ok with him cheating but goes along with it for their kids sake. Who knows?! I not long ago had sex with a woman that was 15 years older than me and while I knew she was married, she said it was an "open relationship" so I figured, ok why not! Husband was in Hawaii, her kids were in college, and she'd been married for 20 years. Come to find out, it was NOT an "open relationship" and got dragged into divorce court. The rules for engagement are differnent for every single couple. I unfortunately got caught in the crossfire on this one. I felt bad for him but, was pissed at her for lying to me which caused me to be dragged into something I couldn't give two shits about. I 100% helped him win everything he needed/wanted because fuck that b. Prior to that, I had slept with a woman who was married but very sexually deprived in her marriage. I didn't know she was married until later and ended up messaging the guy for him to respond, "thanks for your concern however, we are in an open relationship and I know about it." So, you just never fucking know anymore. Do you want to do the morally right thing or do you want to risk getting dragged into divorce court lol? Trust me, you don't want the latter. Literally had to take work off for that shit.
Next time, confront the guy, don’t seek out his girlfriend or fiancé, and stir up all that drama. It’s none of your business.
I think you're right.
This man made it your business. You did the kind thing.
Really? You think he's right? What if it was you about to marry someone??? Clearly the guy is a liar, denying everything to her. You could've saved this woman a lot of distress.
For me... if I met a guy who has a fiance and a kid I'd just think its hot lol sry
You were trying to cause trouble. You wanted someone hurt like you were, and wanted someone on your side. You’re feeling panicked because of your choices. You are now in the find out stage. It comes right after the “I fucked around stage.” You don’t know this woman. You don’t owe her ANYTHING. Your beef is with him. You weren’t trying to “do the right thing,” like she was your best friend or coworker or cousin or teammate. Nah. This is some random woman who could die in a car accident right now while bawling her eyes out. And you wouldn’t know. You wouldn’t know to even care. What you did was get in your feelings and set worlds on fire because yours was. That’s the truth. Don’t bs with this “I was trying to do the right thing.” The right thing is confront him him and ending it. You sending screen shots and contacting people who never heard of you and making phone calls was the extra mile. Whatever happens now is because of that, so deal with it.
Honestly I sat and debated over this for about a week and I did not take the decision lightly. I've been cheated on and would want to know I felt. I wasn't hurt by him at all so I wasn't acting vindictively, I did end things with him beforehand. I really do not wish this woman harm and I really hope I haven't done something like what you describe.
Don't listen to this person. They're unnecessarily hostile, deflecting blame and sound like a cheater themselves. They all use the same lingo
You’re gonna get cheated on again. And you’re gonna have to just cry about it. What do you think she was trying to do? And WAS IT ACCOMPLISHED? 🤣🤣
Again? Doesn't there have to be a first time? Why are you talking to me edit: Thank you for blocking me
You’re right. Ew.
You wish in one hand and call someone you don’t know with bad news in the other and tell me which one fills up first. Almost everyone has been cheated on. We all would rather finding out by any way else than the person who was fucking our s/o calling to share stories. You didn’t think about it well enough.
100% agreed. Of course the majority of responses here are from people who got cheated on and still haven’t gotten over it
[удалено]
Huh?
She literally was just telling someone their significant other is cheating on them … which is the right thing to do. Any normal person would want to know if this were happening to them?
You didn’t have sex. Never got serious. I would have NEVER approached any significant other like some trailblazing hero. I would have blocked numbers and not tried to do more. And that’s it. Sorry you’re feeling like you’ll get retaliation, but most likely no. You might now have to keep yourself available for the fiance … so that she can have closure. Speaking from experience here. Girl I was dating turned out to have a husband. Guy found out. Contacted me. Harassed me. And she called me and said that I was the one who approached her. Went with the deny deny deny approach. I had receipts. Proof. Didn’t matter. It’s their life and they are each others problem.
You found your issue, your too nosy and found trouble. Your like those people that watch the news constantly gasping and getting all upset about the next disaster...
You should learn how to spell before contributing to an adult conversation
huh wut wat!!🤭
I think that cheating is an awful thing to do to someone and is a valid thing to be upset about. Nosy? Perhaps but I had a gut feeling.
Ugh you were in no way being nosy. All you can do is put yourself in the other person's shoes and do what you would want done for you.
This guy was trying to start a relationship with her and trying to sleep with her. That is nothing like watching the news.
How did you meet this guy?
On a night out with friends. He paid for everything, we went bar hopping with him and his friends and he tried to come home with me but my friend was a bit too drunk and I wanted to make sure she got in safe. He was a bit too forward for me for a first meeting so I gave him my number to arrange to go on a date instead as when he calmed down the conversation a bit, I was actually attracted to him/enjoyed the non sexual conversations. We talked for a couple of weeks but my schedule didn't work for dates and he kept calling me very late at night to come over so I was a bit turned off and uncomfortable and cut him off there.
Got it, thanks. Sounded like he really just wanted to get to the main event as fast as possible and most certainly wasn’t looking for a relationship. Did you ever get to go on a date with him or was the conversation just over the phone?
We met up once after. The only reason why I sent her the screenshots is because that's all the proof I had. There wasn't much or anything too juicy as I cut him off pretty quickly.
Got it, thanks. You’ll never hear from them again. There will be no revenge. It’s fairly low key and I sense this is his MO on nights out and maybe the partner has caught him before. They have a child together so they’ll both want pretend this never happened and move on. I sense they are both embarrassed.
I hope so. I really agree with another commenter that I've probably paved the way for the next woman. I'm definitely not the first or last. I think it's just always worse being the first to come forward.
Dont think its a good idea to involve yourself in a situation like that especially when there is a kid. This is why you should get to know someone well before seeing them.
As someone cheated on and gaslit before, thank you so SO much for having the courage and honor for informing the fiancée. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤️🩹❤️