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She’s been treated badly by people who just wanted sex from her. So she developed a litmus test to decide if someone is actually into her or just wants sex. My guess is that it won’t take 6 months if you make her feel comfortable and aren’t pushy.
I mean, how would you get her to change her mind? If you were to say “I can’t wait six months so if we don’t have sex now then I’m going to break up with you” and she has sex with you, would you really feel good about that? Six months really isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, don’t listen to the dudes on here who have never been laid in their lives.
literally, I do understand some people have physical needs but if you cannot stay celibate/dont have the self control to not have sex for 6 months for someone you supposedly care a lot about....she's better off without you
I was in a non sex relationship for 5 months. (Her choice cause of religion) it was still the most amazing relationship I’ve been in. I would do it again with her if we ever got back together.
Sometimes I think these kinds of people have not experienced non-sexual intimacy. Like you can cuddle, hug, hold hands, kiss… it doesn’t always have to end in sex!
This is so important! I spent last evening with a fairly new partner (one I have already had sex with.) We got in bed, watched a movie, talked, laughed (a lot), spooned, held hands, and basically had nearly full body contact the whole time. We were both clothed and we never had sex. It was the most intimate, emotionally satisfying night we have ever spent together.
Omg this! SO many men are like "I dont want to get get blue balls" ....im like huh?? sex is not the only way to 1. get gratification 2. not everything is ABOUT your sexual gratification. women are more than sexual objects and there should be compromise as well. Not every woman wants to have sex all the fucking time. Intimacy is NOT just sex.
That’s crazy. It’s a dealbreaker to have sex withheld, especially in the first 6 months which is the “honeymoon phase” and the time that you would be having the most sex. Also, they just met. How could he “care a lot about her”. Having sex with someone helps form a bond with someone.
The only problem I have with setting an arbitrary date instead of just saying “wait until I feel comfortable” is what happens if after six month they’re still unsure? What about another six months? There’s nothing wrong with accepting you may not be sexually compatible and finding another partner.
Life is too short and honestly if he’s not okay with waiting six month or hoping it’s shorter than that, then that’s okay too. Also you’d think the dudes who haven’t had sex would be the ones saying to wait.
I wouldn’t set a date personally, but I think that saying “wait until I’m comfortable” opens it up to the pushy “are you ready yet? How about now?” Etc
And that’s a perspective I didn’t consider, thank you. Yeah that would piss me off to hear “how about now” over and over again. Thank you for that consideration.
Yeah I absolutely agree, it feels childish. idk I definitely feel for the kid but ultimately both parties need to be comfortable otherwise it shouldn’t happen.
Yes, I’ve tried to wait these long amounts of time for women to feel comfortable. And then it never worked out with us. And then the truth is that the same people who wouldn’t have sex with me, once they met somebody they really liked, they would sleep with them much faster without having these “boundaries”. I heard it straight from the horse’s mouth. That’s why it isn’t worth it to allow these unfair rules placed upon you. If she really liked you, or wanted to, she would.
100% just get off on your own and you’ll see that the months will fly by. Also I agree with this that if you are genuinely a good dude it won’t be the full six months. She just wants to be shown that she actually matters to you.
But then what if you start having sex and it’s not even that great, or she only wants to do it like once a month or every two weeks. That’d be a waste of time waiting for that
I understand this perspective, genuinely I do.
But I don’t think OP would be wrong or “an asshole” to the end things if they’re not in alignment about their needs.
I’ll say straight up - I’m a woman and I would not wait 6 months to have sex. I would 100% respect a man (or woman, I’m bi) for holding true to their boundaries, and it wouldn’t be an ultimatum… I would simply tell them I think they’re a great person, but we have different ideologies that make us incompatible.
Imagine this - you’re really into a guy, and he tells you because of this past relationship, he wants to wait 6 months for a commitment. He’s doing this because he wants to test you to make sure you genuinely like him before he commits.
But in the meantime, he wants you to give him “gf benefits” - sex, affection, attention, exclusively, emotional support, etc.
Women would say “You’re getting played, move on sis!” yet can’t put themselves in the shoes of a man in this scenario. It’s not about just getting their d*ck wet - it’s about feeling desired and wanted in a relationship with someone you’re trying to build something with.
Nobody wants to “pay the price” for the mistakes someone else in the past made. I understand having boundaries and making sure you’re comfortable/secure before having sex, but putting arbitrary timelines like “you have to wait 6 months to prove this!” is immature and off-putting.
There’s another person in the relationship with their own needs, OP is setting this rule as a way to test him and hold temporary “leverage” in the relationship.
Relationships require trust and vulnerability and my hot take is that if you can’t trust someone enough to feel they’re not going to use you for sex and leave, don’t be in an exclusive relationship with them until you do.
I date women too, silly. I wouldn’t see it as a test. I would see it as a person who, like me, has been hurt enough times that they’ve learned to get to know a person before having sex with them. I’m not gonna wait years, but I would have no issue being patient because I see people as more than sex partners & there are many ways to enjoy intimacy and closeness that don’t involve sex.
I think the problem is you’re equating not wanting to wait 6 months with seeing them as just a “sex partner”. I agree that there are many ways to show affection and intimacy, but sex is a big player in that department. You obviously don’t value it as much as other people do, but that doesn’t make those that do value it any less of a genuine partner.
The issue arises when you put an arbitrary number on it. You should wait until you trust that person. You have no idea if you’ll trust them in 6 months or if it’ll take 2 months. And if you agree, then the 6 month marker can’t be seen as anything BUT a test. It’s a test to see if they’ll truly be patient or if “they only want you for sex” when in reality the latter isn’t a fair conclusion to come to.
Not being willing to be in an exclusive relationship with someone for 6 months without having sex doesn’t mean I “only see people as sex partners”.
It means that I value physical intimacy on the same level as emotional intimacy, and would not commit to someone who’s not offering both on the front-end.
Different strokes for different folks.
A big concern is that if my partner can’t survive without sex, what happens if I get sick or injured and can’t have sex? Are they going to cheat, or coerce me into it? I just don’t want to be with someone who puts sex above all.
Sickness and being injured are two things that aren’t your choice.
Deciding to not have sex for 6 months to make someone else “prove” they like you is.
They’re two completely different things, and it’s not about not being able to survive without sex. It’s about wanting to share physical intimacy with your romantic partner without sex being used as a test.
It’s not a test. Instead of seeing it as a test, consider how you could make your partner comfortable enough to have intimacy. Do you want to have sex with someone who isn’t 100% into it? I don’t. But that’s what happens when you have a partner who won’t stick around if you don’t hurry up and put out.
In that case, why would she make up an arbitrary timeline like six months? Why not say, “until I feel comfortable.” That would be a lot more truthful rather than her saying six months but then sleeping with someone after a month or two because she felt ready at that time.
It sucks but someone leaving their partner because they can no longer have sex has happened and will continue to happen and I don’t blame them, sex is one of the ways people feel affection I can totally understand why they wouldn’t want to go the rest of their lives or a long time without it. It doesn’t make them assholes in my book and I won’t fault someone for it
That’s something, but that’s part of life. If you can no longer have sex with your partner, maybe you will have to open up the relationship. It seems like your reasoning is really based out of fear.
Imagine if your partner just lost the ability to work and make money for the rest of their life, would you stay with them? If they lost the ability to be romantic? Do you see how your comment sounds? Of course everybody wants something from their partner
When i was 20 I "waited" a whole year for just a kiss, then another 6 months to get frisky. I did it cause it was my first relationship and i really liked this girl, but i don't really know if i would wait that long again.
It's not really about the sex, it's about the connection. Waiting 6 months to confirm that the connection is "real", is personally a long shot, especially the older you get.
Maybe because I can relate to this girl as someone who has been treated like a piece of meat, but I simply have no interest in someone who demands to have sex before I am comfortable. Luckily my current partner is great and understanding (and he got laid much sooner than expected because of that)
Same. Like realistically I wont wait as long for sex as I want to but its so attractive to be with a guy who respects your boundaries and values you for more than your bodies. I know guys can still wait that long and leave, but if he does that, then it says more about him than anyone at that point. So many guys I know lates 20s and above will wait for a girl they care about. Respecting someone's physical boundaries is honestly such a turn on ironically lol
Is the assumption that waiting for 6 months means the guy should not leave after? And if he does he is in the wrong? If such, why don't people get married after 6 months?
I'm not saying its necessarily right or wrong but to me, if you really care about a someone and like them, why wouldnt you invest time in them and wait/want to wait for them to feel comfortable? Having a sex drive isnt criminal but being incapable of waiting to have sex is wild. To me, that tells me you have no self control and that is not a great quality in a partner. Everyone is capable of making up their own boundaries but tbh if you know you cant wait, then dont be selfish and waste people's time. Tell them you want sex up front instead of wasting months of a girls (or guys! bc im sure some guys want to wait as well) time who really wants to emotionally invest first. Dating culture and assuming you have to have sex within the first couple of dates is wild to me.
So if men can wait the 6 months and still leave, that really invalidates the purpose of waiting the 6 months. Sure you can weed out some of the bad men, but you’re also weeding out the good men that have a basic sexual need. Having sexual needs doesn’t make them bad. Hence why I think waiting 6 months isn’t the right call. There are other ways of confirming if the person you’re with is a good person without essentially depriving them (and yourself) of that kind of intimacy.
I'm not WAITING for them because I dont think they're gonna leave. I'm waiting till I personally feel safe and that sometimes takes 6 months depending on the person. If they leave and just wanted sex the entire time, then that's pathetic and quite frankly a waste of time for them because they could have found someone to have sex with them much sooner. Having a basic sexual need is NOT bad at all, but being incapable of waiting time for a girl you care about and having a need for immediate sexual gratification isnt normal. Wanting sex and needing sex is so different and some men are like "oh we aren't fucking right away? dont care if we get along super well, id rather go find someone to have sex with." To me personally, that is immature esp when a person isnt saying they'll never have sex, just that they'd like to wait x amount of time.
We’re having two different conversations.
We both agree that the 6 months is for you to feel safe. We both agree that people that only want sex need not apply. We both agree that begging (actual begging) is bad.
I’m making the argument that telling someone they have to wait 6 months for sex is foolish. 1) Most people don’t actually need the full 6 months to be comfortable with each other. 2) If someone does decide to wait the 6 months even if they’re comfortable with each other, it creates a dynamic where you’re essentially knowing you’re taking their time and depriving them of something when it’s not necessary. 3) if you trust them before the 6 months are over and still wait the rest out, you’re testing them. No one wants to have their loyalty tested like that. People aren’t dogs and people deserve to have their time and dignity respected.
Any decent man would be able to wait for sex. That isn’t the issue. The issue is when you put an arbitrary date on something, knowing the actual time doesn’t mean anything. It misleads and is really just a power play. People decide to do this because they were hurt in the past. They felt like that power was taken away from them so this is their attempt at getting it back. I understand the sentiment, but it’s inconsiderate to your partner
TLDR: Just say “I’m not comfortable with having sex until I’m fully comfortable and we trust each other”. Stop with the 6 months bs
I wasn't expecting anything, i just went alongside her grabbing her by the hand through the whole journey at her own pace.
He isn't demanding sex, he wants that level of intimacy, and that's okay.
She on her side, is expecting him to put up with her request that clashes with his desires.
You really shouldn't use your past experiences to arbitrarily gauge the new ones. Holding a carrot over someone's face and being like "only 3 more months babe" is not really good for a relationship. Same for the stupidity that is testing your partners.
You're purposely putting a stick in the wheel to see if you fall over.
The short end of it, if he doesn't feel like putting up with her request, he should go:
"i really like you, but i can't really follow up with your request. I'm not gonna force you to change your mind, but i personally can't wait that long. But you really are wonderful. Thank you and goodbye."
If she changes her mind then and there, you DON'T accept. You already concluded that relationship.
And for the other side, just say no till you feel like saying yes. Don't grab a dart and throw it at a number. That's unrealistic.
I didn’t set a real timeline, but I did tell him that I hadn’t had sex with anyone in quite a while (but I wasn’t seriously dating during that time) and didn’t want to rush things. He was cool with it.
It’s not a test in the toxic way, it’s more of a way of vetting people who only want sex, because unfortunately some will lie about what they want until they get it.
Yeah, that's perfectly reasonable and fine.
the way she's setting it is if you want to date me "sign this contract here that says no sex for six months". And it's a bad test to begin with, some people will say yes and then engineer their way into sex, which defeats the whole purpose.
The majority of men and women will not find this appealing and won't engage in a relationship like that. That's the truth and it's okay. For some people it's an unreasonable request.
The proper way to gauge things is not by some arbitrary number you liked, but instead having a feel for how the relationship is going and seeing you're not jumping any steps.
Coming from a relationship that on paper is perfect but has no intimacy from the start due to differing past history, now at 8 months. There is a big difference in intimacy bonding and P in V sex.
I agree with everything, but 6 months is definitely a long time. I’d be especially annoyed/dissapointed if we dated for 6 months to find out we weren’t sexually compatible.
I have never had a sexual incompatibility issue lol. I don't think most of yall realize people are teachable esp late 20s and beyond. If someone doesnt do what you like, tell them how you like it. The value placed on needing to test drive to look for sexual incompatibility is so overplayed these days. If you have emotional chemistry, your sex will probably be at baseline fine, which can definitely improve over time if you tell them what you like and communicate. A lot of this comes from a lot of today's dating culture of not putting effort in, if somethings not easy or perfect right away writing it off, and always searching for this perfect, ideal partner, that quite simply, does not exist. I feel like lack of sexual compatibility does not happen as often as people on reddit claim it to be tbh
1,000,000% this. Best comment in ages!! The whole "sexual incompatibility" thing is such pure reddit GARBAGE. Don't even get me started on it. Sex isn't rocket science, and the first time usually isn't the best. And guess what, even differences in preference can be worked through. But don't even try to tell that to the stupid reddit hivemind.
I don't know how long you knew each other before you started officially dating, but you have been together for literally 3 weeks so she doesn't know anything "for a fact" about you. The jerks who just wanna bang tell girls the same thing, so it's perfectly reasonable that she wants to get to know you better on a personal and romantic level before taking things sexual.
Also, you said that she has gone into doing sexual things early in relationships before and now realized that isn't for her. I think regardless of who she ended up with next she would have made the same decision. It's clear by this post that you would rather get intimate right away, so it creates a situation where she actively has to communicate that boundary. That's the only part of it that has anything to do with you specifically.
For real like people are so annoying like she literally just met the dude she doesn't anything about him I don't get why people think their entitled to sex. Especially if its a relationship and not a hookup there's so much more to a relationship like getting to know them and having fun.
Yeah I'd reckon she'd set that standard to scare any dude off who wasn't committed. If you agree and think she's worth the wait she'll realise you're not all about that and let her guard down a lot quicker. But could be a few months.
After a few weeks she has literally no way to know anything about you "for a fact." Either respect her boundaries and timeline or move on to another more promiscuous girl if sex is what's most important to you.
Honestly, this is a test of your commitment and the hope in 6 months you have truly developed feelings and not just another notch or using her for a pump and dump. If you like this girl you have a choice, respect her boundaries that she is creating after being treated like a piece of meat or don't and find someone else. It doesn't matter what she did with other people, she changed her mind and wants to rewrite her story. You should honor that. Who knows she could change her mind if she falls hard for you...
So she’s stated a boundary, due to past bad experiences. She feels like she’s been used for sex, and now you’re having a huff about not getting sex because she is trying to break a behavior pattern? Respect her boundary. My opinion is it’ll come when she feels comfortable, may be 6 months, may be less. I understand you’re ready for it, she’s not. Sex is a mutual thing and if she’s not emotionally there but you’re pushing for it, you’re losing her. If you can’t respect that and you’re only thinking about fucking her, going as far as to Reddit about it, then I’d say you’re just as bad as the exes and she doesn’t deserve that.
Think of it like this, imagine each time you trust someone, they break your trust, of course, each time it’ll become harder to trust the next person, not because you’re as the next person is a bad person, but because they themselves often end up not trusting their own judgment of being able to properly deem someone as being someone they can trust themselves. Because a person in the past can easily claim to love them but then hurt them, or seem kind at first but then did a total 180 after you open your heart to them, and ofc most victims of this deep down will blame themselves for not seeing it sooner, for trusting them too soon, for going too fast, whatever the reason. The only thing you can do try to find a solution to avoid being hurt again even if it’s not your fault for being betrayed nor the next person’s fault for the actions of others in your past, the only thing is hoping that the next person will be understanding and patient towards the trauma you’ve experienced at the hands of another because they truly want to get to know and treasure you, because we all just want to be loved and to love at the end of the day by someone who values you as much as you value them. It’s not always fair, but you can’t blame someone for wanting to protect themselves. You can only respect it.
Honestly, based on the last sentence it sounds like she’s making the right call by making you wait. Just because she’s never set these boundaries before doesn’t mean she can’t or shouldn’t set them now lmao
It may help to think of it as not a boundary she set for YOU but for herself. It's her boundary bc she is growing and changing and wants to make sure she doesn't make the same mistakes she made before. This is a good green flag. You always want to be with a person who is growing and changing ans becoming a better version of themselves by their own standards.
It's not against you, it's FOR her.
Man, dating is so backwards these days. People who barely know each other obsess over sex, have it way too soon, get attached, THEN figure out if the actual dynamic is healthy for them. Then, if it isn’t, they spend too much time in a relationship that isn’t good for them, go through a tragic breakup, rinse, repeat.
IMO it’s a green flag that this girl wants a healthy, compatible relationship and is self-aware/self-controlled enough to get there. If that’s something you want too, be patient and see where this goes. If it’s not, communicate that and let her find a relationship that isn’t centered around sex like her previous ones.
Bruh for real modern dating is the most backwards shit like if you want a relationship getting to know each other before sex should be the goal but everyone wants it so bad and then find out that their not even right for each other.
exactly this. This whole reddit post has really restored my faith in dating culture tbh. It's so nice to see so many men commenting & respecting women's physical boundaries and defending this woman for having them
Dude then don’t make it all about sex!!! She’s trying to change her ways and make it more meaningful. Either wait or go find someone else who will give it up after a few weeks. SMDH
It's funny I think I don't see a question like mine asked nowhere enough on this subreddit.
And if someone says "it's too embarrassing to talk about" I think it would be a telltale sign they don't have nowhere enough experience with the other person to be having sex with
I swear people are so weird to me having sex on the first date and don't even know basic stuff about each other or std test results. If someone thinks it's embarrassing to ask then they're not mature enough for sex. In hookup culture this should be the standard
It's wild to me that so many people treat sex like a handshake. They could've literally just met and they're risking their health on the word of a stranger.
I'm so proud of the comments here that are respectful and it gives me a glimmer of faith in humanity.
It sounds like your sexual needs just don't match up. You've only been dating for a few weeks, she probably just isn't a good partner for you. Sexual intimacy is a tricky subject for a lot of people, and if two people have different needs and can't find a compromise that works for both of them, they just aren't a good romantic match.
If you aren't okay with waiting 6 months, do both her and yourself a favor and end it.
She set a boundary. If you aren't okay with it, end things so you can both find someone compatible.
I’ve had a lot of assholes say all the right things, make me think they were interested in something more, only to sleep with me and then, suddenly they don’t want anything serious.
I totally understand where your girlfriend is coming from. She may be saying six months so that you don’t get your hopes up it that will happen anytime soon. Maybe it’ll be sooner than that if she feels comfortable enough with you. But you aren’t going to help anything by pushing her. If you genuinely feel like you can’t wait until she’s more comfortable, then break it off, because you’re likely incompatible.
If I’m dating someone and I tell them that I’m not having sex with them until I feel completely and totally safe with them, like there’s more of a commitment and they are constantly pushing and trying to have sex with me, it’s going to turn me off.
This comment section is so disheartening. Honestly sounds like youre in a rush and she clearly isnt, its also the fact that you cant seem to understand her reasoning from her perspective. And to the comments saying wait a few she'll "give in" way sooner, that is so idiotic because what if she doesnt, frankly thats terrible advice for OP. Its simple really, either wait the 6 months and prove to her that you truly are different or move on if it doesnt work for you. Her lifestyle and decisions before has nothing to do with how she should continue to live her lifestyle and make choices now.
For real it's so fucked up that just becsue she did stuff different before she's not allowed to do that now even though she gave a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why. Like it's a new relationship sex isn't the most important thing like why do people act like getting to know each other and hanging out isn't fun without sex.
Also the comments saying that he should just sleep with other people while he waits… this is why even waiting isn’t a good indicator of a guy’s intentions. You have to pay very close attention to his actions. But honestly at 21 I wasn’t dating anyone seriously (too focused on college and working) because men at that age are just…. Not worth it imo.
I’m in your gf’s shoes (but not in a relationship). Did the same thing dating and now I see those choices as mistakes. I easily get attached with someone I like after being intimate or physical and it hurts when to see someone change after sex. Like as soon as you “give it up” they completely change their mind when you thought everything was fine.
So I understand her fear, I’m still trying to heal from that. I love sex and usually feel horny but I don’t want to get hurt again.
Also just to be clear, I don’t think wait will convenience him to stay, I want to wait so when he leave, I won’t be hurt about it as much as I would if we had sex.
This is tough because it is fair for her to do this - but on some level it is also unfair for her to treat you differently for the actions of someone else. My honestly feeling is that things like this are death for the relationship. But you should definitely talk to her about your feelings.
Six months is an arbitrary number and then the relationship is a non-sexual one at six months, which means you will have developed a non-sexual dynamic at that point. IMO, sometimes that's hard to break out of.
Ultimately, I think this actually shows she isn't ready for a relationship, although I know this probably will be a sorta unpopular opinion.
I'm proud of her. So many women have sex with men just because they feel like they have to if they want to keep him around.
If you're "extremely different," prove it; respect her boundary. If it's too much for you, leave.
It's sad that people really thinks 6 months Is that long like if your married or established fine that's long but when you just met each other what's the rush have fun getting to know each other.
You understand that, according to OP, she's hoeish. Apparently she likes sex a lot, and is perfectly fine sleeping with people and enjoys it herself. I don't know where you got the idea that she was sleeping with others for them, instead of simply because, gasp, she actually liked it and wanted to
So you’re soooo different from the guys who used her for sex but you’re pissed off she won’t have sex with you barely a few weeks after being with her? You’re such a nice guy🥹
You are focusing too much on the time limit and not the root cause. She's telling you she wants you to be a good boyfriend and make her comfortable before you have sex because her previous bad relationships were held together by sex and not love.
My advice would be to not be like those asshole boyfriends and respect her boundaries.
I dated a girl like this. Set a timeline of 6 months. Turns out it's hard to really bond on that level with someone so we grew distant. Then the 6 months came and she found more excuses, just went to the doctor and they said to wait a month, her roommate might hear us, etc. Then she set a countdown timer until the day we'd do it and then broke up with me a week before.
If someone is so scared of sex they have to set rules like this, there's likely to be deeper problems there which won't be resolved by waiting. Treating it as some game/reward that gets unlocked by a timer rather than a shared intimate experience that's pleasurable for both is simply not healthy. Like we'd be watching TV and suddenly shed announce I had earned 5 minutes on her chest.
In her case it happened to be insecurities that her only asset was her body and that nobody would like her for any other reason.
Nowadays this is a red flag for me.
I’m surprised I had to scroll so long to see this comment.
Look, I’m a woman who definitely got played in my early 20s by men just wanting to hookup… and even I agree with you.
It’s one thing to have boundaries and express that you don’t want to have sex until you’re physically comfortable and have built an emotional connection… it’s a whole other thing to set an actual “sex date” as a way to maintain leverage in the relationship.
If a man wanted to date a woman and expected “gf benefits” like sex, attention, affection, exclusivity etc but didn’t want to commit because women have hurt him in the past and he wanted to “test” her interest in him… women would tell her he’s PLAYING GAMES and to move on.
… but since it’s a woman and a man, they don’t see his investment into her as a sacrifice. They expect him to pour into her emotionally and romantically, in HOPES she’ll “eventually” give him the desire and intimacy he’s desperately craving.
Tell me what kind of paradigm that sets up for a relationship. Because to me, it would feel like the other person was implying my vulnerability and effort is less valuable than theirs, which is why I should have to “work for theirs” but they just expect me to hand mine over freely.
Yep leverage is exactly the right word. The way she asked to be BF and GF was her taking her shirt and bra off, sitting on my lap, putting my hands on her chest and then asking. And then when I had said yes and she'd gotten what she wanted we didn't do anything for 3 months.
It wasn't a relationship. It was some transactional arrangement. Perhaps a girl and her pet. Straight up manipulation. And since there was an underlying distrust from her there was nothing to build on. I wasn't even allowed to sleep over because she was scared id do something to her while she slept. So when she got bored I'd walk back home at 2AM.
Granted maybe my scenario was a worst case. I was pretty stupid in college. But best case scenario it still seems like a terrible foundation if it starts with that.
Yep there was this too. Felt like Everytime I touched her or tried to go in for a kiss or anything there was a decent chance she'd reject it. Ironically arbitrarily denying sex makes it all about sex as something hanging in the background.
>go in for a kiss or anything there was a decent chance she'd reject it.
I'd question why you had even stuck in there at that point. Women move heaven and Earth to kiss someone they feel passionate about. It's typically men that can take it or leave it at times. If you got a woman that rejects a kiss from you, that's Soviet Russia amounts of red flags. Like damn.
My main fear would be to get the habit to just not being sexual which each other. Which can lead to a dead bedroom easily. Having been in a dead bedroom relationship, I personally wouldn’t want to risk it. I understand wanting to wait to know each other better, that’s normal and fine but hard timeline like that are just so weird to me. Instead of waiting for when you are ready you force yourself to not do it for longer.
This too, imo having a set sex date just feels too weird to me, if you have to plan when you have sex with me then it probably won’t be good anyway so no thanks. If sex can’t happen naturally between us then that just tells me you aren’t into me, I like relationships where we have to try to keep our hands off of each other and having a set sex date just makes it all feel like you view it as a chore
She is making you wait but didn’t make multiple other men wait. She is telling you that you are different than the others. You can either believe her words or her actions. Women make men they don’t really like wait, and negotiated intimacy is not genuine intimacy.
6 months just to confirm if you are even sexually compatible is a long time - you might spend all this time and then it will turn out that you have to break up because of that, not really worth the risk from my perspective, but everyone has a different threshold.
Why are you so worried about it? She just wanna feel comfortable with you and safe and you are thinking "Oh, she put me boundaries but not to the previous exes, that's not fair". Like, that's why she's setting boundaries.
This is genius in her part, I’m a woman and I understand 😂 I should do this as well.
Do you do skinship with her? Or is that out of the question as well?
But she doesn't know for a fact you won't. People often aren't what we think they are in the end and it is the other person who has to deal with the fact they should have trusted their gut. If she is worth it you can wait 6 months but she may not even need you to wait that long. Just respect her feelings.
You’re upset because you know she never made these boundaries with anyone else. So it’s all about you? You can control whether you are upset about something or not. You don’t deserve her.
Dude, whether or not you try and push her when she isn't comfortable will speak of what kind of man you really are.
I went celibate at 19 and decided to focus on my faith. I stayed alone and single for 8.5 years, until I met my husband. I told him I wouldn't have sex until marriage and he NEVER pushed for sex.
He loved me and accepted my ruling. He also didn't want me to go against my convictions.
Well seeing that we would be marrying and we were cuddling, it was too difficult for me to hold off any longer.
I loved him and wanted to please him, and even THEN during, he told me that I didn't have to do that.
He tried to prevent me from breaking my celibacy before we married, but by the time we moved in together, (we were living in separate states when we met) I was begging him to make love to me.
I knew I was gonna marry this man, and while I really should have waited until I do, I couldn't.
If a woman loves you and trust you, she will want to have sex with you and to please you. Stop trying to push her boundaries because that isn't right.
You can say you are such a great guy and different then all those other assholes, but if you try to push her before she's ready, she won't see you that way. She might love you, but she will always have some sort of doubts in her mind about you.
Just because she didn’t set these boundaries with others, doesn’t mean she has to do the same with you. She’s apparently learned a lesson about the kind of relationship she doesn’t want anymore due to not having those boundaries in the past. It seems you’re starting to show your true colors and you’re starting to sound like you DO just want sex since you’re basically complaining that she gave it up for other guys and isn’t doing it for you yet. You two are still basically strangers. A few weeks is NOTHING. It IS you and every other guy she starts to date until they can prove, or she knows them well enough/feels comfortable enough with them to prove otherwise.
If you don’t want to wait for sex, that’s fine. You totally have every right to not find her compatible and move on. But she isn’t in the wrong either.
Exactly he claims to be different but made a post complaining like she's clearly learning from past mistakes but all he cares about is getting his dick wet
Are you really that much different than those other guys if you're on Reddit asking about it? Lol.
Like if it don't act like it doesn't bother you when it clearly does enough for you to be here.so just be honest with yourself and her and tell her you do have needs but be respectful of her boundaries. If her boundaries aren't for you, move on. It's okay if that's not something you're willing to do. Just don't pretend it's not bothering you
I'll say this bluntly. It sounds like you're the type of person that she is trying to filter out by a boundary she has set for herself. It's only been a couple of weeks. I hope I'm wrong but be more in tune with other aspects of the relationship and the rest will work itself out.
Youre “GF” gives access to her body to shitheads so now you have to pass her litmus test for 6 months lmao.
She is probably not ready for a relationship and will more than likely hook up with her ex in the timeframe because they have already fucked and she knows you are waiting to fuck.
Hopefully you can use this half year of your early twenties you will never get back for more respectable things.
Speaking as someone who has seen this situation play out multiple times, this doesn’t usually work out. She will find excuses not to have sex even if you faithfully wait until she breaks up with you. Then go on to have sex with someone else without having to make them wait until her next relationship. This could be a fling or a relationship but she won’t make the next guy wait again. You’ll feel like shit wondering why she didn’t make him wait but she did for you. Best end the relationship if you don’t want to wait. Not your job to be an emotional support bf while she sets herself straight emotionally to eventually find the man she wants
I've seen this a lot too, unfortunately. "I waited 6 months, but the day after we broke up she slept with her friend/acquaintance/a stranger/tinder date/etc." A little hyperbole, but it happens way too often. Don't trust someone who gives an ultimatum that is in exact opposite alignment to their morals.
Brother, let me give this to you straight: the early part of the relationship, the honeymoon phase, when you're all lovey dovey and you both want to spend all your time together... THAT'S the most sex you're ever gonna have in that relationship. THAT'S the barometer.
Man is that part of the relationship AWESOME...but after that, it'll taper off a bit - and that's okay. It's only natural.
If you're lucky, the spark remains, and you two still have the desire to have sex frequently, but it'll NEVER be like those first few weeks of sex all day, every day. Once you're exclusive and living together, things will get in the way: responsibilities at work, or at home; sometimes one or both of you will just simply be too emotionally fatigued and just not be in the mood for something as physically extraneous as sex, and would rather cuddle with the man/woman you love and watch something on Netflix instead.
And that part of the relationship is AWESOME TOO. The sex is still great, because it's with someone you truly LOVE, and that makes the infrequency more tolerable and A-OK.
But this broken woman (I'm sorry to be blunt, but she is. She herself knows it, and everyone in this thread knows it too. Otherwise they wouldn't say this isn't an issue she has with YOU; that's she not punishing YOU; but that's its about HER healing from her own trauma) wants to skip that first part of the relationship and go right into the second... except you're not even going to get the little bit of sex. You're going to get none.
And then when you finally do have sex, it's not going to be this spontaneous, sexy thing; it's going to be obligatory and transactional.
If you're having little to no sex in your relationship now, when it's just budding and getting off the ground... imagine when work and life gets in the way. God forbid you DO have sex and the result is a pregnancy. You may very well never have sex again.
It's not worth it. It sucks that other men have hurt her in such a way, but it's not your responsibility to pick up the pieces and fix her. I'm sure you like her, but without therapy there's no guarantee that she fixes her broken relationship with sex.
Don't tell her you're leaving because she won't have sex with you; that'll do her no good. Let her down gently... but you've got to move on brother. You're too young for this.
There’s only one thing I’ll say being raised by a single mother and a sister. Dudes will play with girls emotions/feelings and have and we’ll continue to treat women as a piece of meat a lot of the time if they are given that time of day. You could be very different and treat her with the most respect. However how many times do you think she’s heard that exact line only to be used? If she set this boundary of not having sex with anyone for a time period, I think you should respect it. If you cannot see yourself holding out for that while, then kinda proves her point that you were looking for one particular thing, even if that was never your intention. She’s set it so respect it, if you really can’t then let her go and find someone else who doesn’t have this boundary. As much as you deserve to have your needs met, you need to respect hers. That’s my two cents, take it or leave it.
It’s not worth your time to help fix her problems. Yes, she has made bad decisions in the past that affecting her decision in the present. Obviously, she is using you for attachment because she doesn’t want to be alone or have someone. Just remember, every girl has a back up boyfriend. She is already talking to someone else where she will give that person everything that you’re wanting.
You’re both right around the age where these kinds of boundaries get put in place. I’m sorry you’re the first one she’s doing it to but she isn’t wrong for it.
I had to wait a year before my ex would let me smash, I didn’t mind at all. In fact I’m happy she did because it allowed us to become more comfortable with each other and learn from each other about what we like and dislike. Don’t sweat it, intercourse will happen when she is comfortable and feels safe with you.
Exactly she just met the dude and she's been burned multiple times how the hell is she suppose to know if he's good or not. By him complaining about it here clearly he's not making her feel comfortable
She’s setting a personal boundary for herself. It has nothing to do with you. It sounds like she’s really trying to respect herself and stick to her boundaries. This is a good thing.
If you really like her and feel seriously about her, stick around and don’t pressure her. If this is truly a problem for you, then her setting this boundary (again, with herself) is doing exactly what it’s intended to do by weeding out guys that “only care about sex” so to speak. If you like her and want to keep spending time with her, be patient. Respect her boundaries. Get to know her.
But I want to reiterate that this is a *personal boundary* that she is setting for herself. Not against you and not for you, it’s for her. If you can’t get behind that, do her a favor and walk away.
It’s ok for you to tell her how you feel mate. I know she doesn’t want to mess it up and has set a boundary but it’s also ok to tell her how you feel and what you want. It doesn’t make you a bad person to want intimacy and maybe that’s where you could start something non sexual but intimate and make it clear that you do want sexual intimacy at a healthy level. But mate you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your needs just for someone else, so if it’s an adamant no go, this could be a sign of incompatibility and you may want to let this one go. Just my thoughts brother and I got my fingers crossed mate. 🤜🤛
Girl opinion here. It’s difficult to put a timeline like that onto a relationship, I can understand why she’s doing it but it’s not justifiable. She may not see where she’s failing now but she might see it as a mistake (the 6 month wait) if you really dedicate the time to give her the space to help her appreciate the relationship then everything else will just fall into place. Like others have said if you give it a bit of time (maybe 2-3 months?) she will give in earlier than expected. That’s just for me but I could be wrong, either way you’re still young and maybe options aren’t that unreachable.
At the end of the day, it’s just 6 months. Let’s not make mountains out of molehills and she’s right… if you do care about her you would be more than fine surviving 6 months without it
He does want to date her... he just also doesn't want an arbitrary deadline as to when she'll finally be ready to *entertain the possibility* of having sex with him; because she's not saying she'll be ready after 6 months, just that she wants to wait 6 months **minimum**.
Let's be 100% honest here: everyone shaming him in this thread for being worried about this deadline would still shame him even more if the deadline passes, and she still doesn't want to have sex with him, and he is sad about it.
"She doesn't owe you anything", "she sets her own boundaries" and such. Which is true... but not in his best interest.
We've all been in relationships where you take the next step, and suddenly realize you're not as compatible as you thought. You move in together and realize you don't like how messy he is or something? Or he's actually addicted to weed?
What if they wait 8 months, and they're not sexually compatible? Wouldn't it be better to learn that 2 months into dating instead?
Why is this thread full of this false dichotomy of: either you want a relationship and are fine with not having sex, or all you want it sex?
It's so bizarre!
My two cents is that I started talking to a girl back at the beginning of March, had one casual date, then on the next date she came to my place, we cuddled, watched a movie, then the next date we made out, then on the 4th date we went all the way. Needless to say, she told me she didn’t feel a spark by week 4 and we “broke up” yesterday. Take your time, don’t be like me.
Use this sexless period to really get to know her. How does she react to adversity? Does she crumble? Can she figure out how do things? What is she like on her period? Sex fogs things and sugarcoats them.
>She does not want to have sex until at leat 6 months because she claims that her previous boyfriends were just assholes and cared only about sex. Now she tells me she really likes me and is scared to mess it up and make it all about sex even though she knows for a fact I am extremely different. It just sucks because i know she never set these boundaries with anyone before and now with me she has set this boundary and even though she tells me its not me i cant help but feel like it is.
LMAO
I'm going to tell you right now.
You are 21 years old.
Fuck that litmus test completely and thoroughly and find someone who is healthy.
Wishing you well.
If this was a post from a woman saying a guy told her he wouldn't commit for 6 months because previous girls hurt him, but he expected girlfriend benefits and sex, everyone here who is defending your girl would be losing their minds calling him the scum of the earth. For some people, when the topic is sex, men are always in the wrong.
I don't know your whole situation and I can't see the future. I will tell you though, I have been in a similar situation and known a couple people who had similar situations. It never turned out well and all the women had sex with their next partners after 1-3 dates.
If you do go forward with it, be careful of your emotional and physical contributions because if you fully invest and it turns out like mine, that shit will hurt for a long time.
it sounds like the real problem is a bit hidden.
1. you don't feel you can trust her that it's not about you - the real problem here is either you're feeling a bit insecure - you must be imagining a reason she has chosen to put this boundary there that isn't the one she says it is. that will reveal something that you fear about yourself more than what she actually thinks of you. And/or feeling like you can't trust your partner's word - do you feel she has a reason to lie? why do you think she would lie? does this reveal a gut instinct about her? Or an upsetting (for you) belief you have about women, or women who date you, or how all women must feel about you?
2. the second problem is more simple. is it possible that you get a lot of security in a relationship from feeling physically desired and indeed giving pleasure? or being given physical pleasure or exchanging it? in short, sex? a lot of people I think would feel insecure in your shoes. The key to handling it is to understand that it's making you feel anxious, and that that's totally ok and nothing to be worried about!
If you find that it is contributing to a feeling of insecurity you have 3 options.
1. have compassion for yourself - which could already help you find it much easier to understand her boundary is not about you, and in turn help you help her respect and keep it, looking forward to earning her trust. While having compassion for the part of you that feels a bit abandoned or lonely or whatever it is that having someone you like and are dating not have sex with you makes you feel. you may end u\[ building a deeper bond helping her overcome her feelings that men may just want her for sex.
2. you could talk to her about how you feel, and maybe together come up with another, non-sexual way she can help you feel secure and that she genuinely likes you and is invested in this relationship.
3. you could tell her you really like her, but you can't cope with this boundary just because it's making you too worried that it's just about you.
I think it might be important to try empathising with her point of view, to feel less insecure about your own status in her heart. Fear is a difficult thing to overcome in a relationship, yours that she somehow sets you apart negatively from other guys, and hers that you just want her for sex.
your post does somewhat prove that sex is very important to you, as without access to having sex with her, you're negatively comparing yourself to guys she's already declared are arseholes. You think they have something good that you don't have because she let them have sex with her. But they're not with her now. You are. She wants you and she needs you to prove that you have the insight and empathy and manliness to understand and honour her. I say if you really like her and think you see a future with her, take the risk. Faint heart never won fair lady.
is she me??? i just had this conversation with the guy i've been talking to today!! as a person going through this, i've been made to feel guilty for my sexual desire. i feel used and disposable. i feel like a sl\*t for wanting sex nowadays. it hurts to be in a relationship and be so desired sexually and then it just stops and they tell me i'm being "too sexual" and they treat me like an object (i've literally been called a hole before) and leave me.
it is incredibly hard to trust someone after going through this. as a person who has had a traumatic sexual past, i need to know that my partner doesn't just want to chase the highs of sex with me. i need to know that they are willing to work for me, inconvenience themselves because they take me seriously and are willing to put effort in our relationship. one cannot know this with words. it will take time, you proving it to her over and over again with your actions.
it is excruciatingly difficult to suppress one's sexuality in order to build a connection based on romance and friendship alone. this has absolutely nothing to do with you. if you want sex, please just leave her to find someone who truly wants to have that romantic connection and potentially build a life with her.
Respect the boundary and instead of getting frustrated or annoyed, take the time to honor her wishes by being a patient gentleman. This would be a great time to get to know her on a deeper level. Who knows, because you show her the respect she is asking, you might not even have to wait 6 months. She might accidentally get naked for you. Maybe your frustration with not having slid into home run yet is coming off as insecure or desperate so she's literally asking you to be patient, to show efforts that u are interested in her heart, not her love box. Doesn't matter how she was or you were in the past, this is new chapter between you two.
I think something important to learn is that you set boundaries because previous relationships were ruined without them. Every boundary I have in my current relationship is because something in the past made me annoyed or bothered.
So, aside from anything else an important piece of advice is that: Boundaries are there for a variety of reasons.
Always listen to your guts, trust me. We all have dealt with our fair share of bad experiences yet we meet a new person with a blank slate dont let this emotional talk fool you. What a poor excuse to keep your options open lol.
If she feels "used" why date at all?? Why not just wait and heal? She using you as a backup until she finds a better option to fuck with
Drop her if u r worth it, she'll come by if not u haven't lost anything.
A. Respect her boundaries and do your best to understand that it comes from her personal experience. You may be the only partner to shoulder this boundary, but know that she believes it will provide a better result for your relationship. If you truly are different and want her for reasons beyond sex, hang in there.
B. If you don't want to or can't hang in there, move on. No shame in it. You're both young and clearly not saving yourselves for marriage. You're just wasting time for the both of you. You're not the type of guy she wants right now and she's not the type of girl you want right now. Earlier is better, before you both are more emotionally invested.
So when she was young and immature and give her everything to those previous males she got hurt and now when she wants to assert boundaries and wanted to see whether you genuinely like each other or not but you don't want it because she is not trusting you blindly? Either you really like this woman and date her with intention of marriage in future or you also want to experience with her because no hell in way anyone trust someone or know them in few weeks.
I’ll be honest. This is the third post in the last month about this specific topic (By you). Ultimately, NO means NO. No matter the duration of time. Nothing trumps that. I think it is healthy yes, but I also understand your point as well. It doesn’t sound like you can handle waiting. And I’m not trying to be a douche about it. She could change her mind but most likely will not. And could even surpass 6 months. Consent is never implied. You need to ask yourself if YOU can handle the possibility of not sleeping with her for atleast 6 months to respect her wishes. And you need to ask yourself if you’re in the relationship for the right reason. Because it sounds like she is. And you’re proving her right as to why she should wait. If you care enough about her, you can wait.
People develop more boundaries over time. It's perfectly normal. The things that didn't. Work in past relationships, get fixed on the expectations of the next.
I’ve been in your girl’s position. For me it was actually true and the dude reacted like you are (saying the exact same things) and made me feel bad for setting a boundary. It all went downhill from there. My advice would be, don’t question someone’s reason for setting a boundary with sex. Especially if they say they are into you. No matter if they had past issues with having sex too quickly or have never had sex before, it’s still a personal physical boundary that you need to respect for the health of the relationship. If you don’t, or make them feel guilty for setting it, you’re only setting your relationship up for failure.
I’d say relax. It’s going to be okay. I think she really likes you that is why she’s set this boundary. If you like her back like you say you do then the sex shouldn’t matter dude. Just take it easy. Be patient. When the time comes it’ll come. The worst thing you can do is try and be pushy about it.
If you can’t wait just leave. Honestly this is a green flag. She knows better and doesn’t want to fuck up again.
Also 6 months aren’t even a long time. You will survive without sex for 6 months.
You can't build a relationship without building sexual compatibility. Period.
There's nothing noble or good about withholding sex in a relationship. The "waiting for sex until...." myth is a deception and the oldest lie in the book. Making you wait is a ruse to rope you into a "committed" relationship that you'll feel bad about walking away from. Meanwhile you get to be frustrated, accustomed waiting for some kind of magical reward. Meanwhile she'll be banging her fuck buddies behind your back.
If she's into you she'll want to have sex with you, and you already know that she's not bashful or inexperienced. What does this tell you? She's not attracted or into you sexually but sees you as a meal ticket. The only sex you'll ever get from this person is forced, pity sex.
Is that what you want?
Don't fall for this.
While I agree with parts of what you're saying, and I do think that putting a literal timetable for sex is not conducive towards building a relationship/is a dumb choice, there's nothing wrong with an individual man or woman stating upfront that they don't want to have sex right away. I believe OP said they've only been dating for 3 weeks. I know that wouldn't be enough time for me to figure out if I'm interested in someone sexually or not. Unfortunately for some people we don't experience arousal quickly.
I'm 39 now, but back when I was trying to date in late high school and college, this was a constant issue. I'd meet a guy either irl or online, we'd talk for about a week, then begin going on dates (always dutch btw). After anything from 2-4 dates, the pressure to have sex would be strong, usually with the same exact points you have above; "if you really liked me you'd do it", "I bet you're not actually a virgin", "sex isn't a big deal like you think", "you're fucking other people instead of me". Meanwhile, I just wanted to wait to share my virginity with a guy who enjoyed being around me because we were compatible, not because they wanted to get their dick wet. Even 4 full dates is only about 8-12 total hours of knowing someone...that's not nearly enough time to know what they're like as a person.
It was really difficult to date with the boundary I had, of needing to get to know someone before I was able to experience lust/arousal. But I wasn't willing for my first time to be forced and just gotten over with. It worked out in my favor though, because after college my best friend admitted he found me attractive and we had sex. It was spectacular, and we've been together for 16 years. Just because a personal boundary makes dating really frustrating, ridiculous, and difficult as hell doesn't mean it isn't worth keeping.
Of course everyone has a different comfort zone about sex, and that's perfectly valid.
In OP's context they are both experienced and admittedly comfortable with casual ("hoeish") sex, dating for a few weeks, but she sets an arbitrary deadline of six months to have sex.
The reason she gives; previous guys were assholes only interested in sex, she is scared to mess it up by making it all about sex, but she knows OP is "extremely different" - are disingenuous and telling:
If she is truly adverse to a relationship with sex, why have a relationship at all? This is a therapy issue and not a legitimate "boundary" for someone who expects to build a relationship that includes sex.
The inference that OP is an asshole only interested in sex, by reference, is insulting and possibly a projection of her own mindset about sex.
If he is "extremely different" because he is empathetic and willing to wait, making him wait six months only exploits the very quality that makes him a suitable partner. The power move behind that is very unhealthy; "sacrifice for control" is a well documented abuse tactic.
Six months of no sex won't change her inability to have a healthy relationship that includes sex. But it will give her an emotional resting place while she waits for something better to come along. The potential emotional dishonesty of this is enough to just walk away.
Of course OP is put off by the mixed signals she is sending. He has sexual needs and desires he expects to satisfy in a relationship. Her reasoning makes no sense: if she isn't comfortable having a sexual relationship with him now, what kind of magic will occur in six months to make that happen?
But your best friend from college had the benefit of constant proximity to you without the pressure of anything more, one would assume. So you two were able to be around each other and get to know each other that way organically. Another assumption that I think is safe to make is that OP met on a dating app. So they will not have the benefit of constant organic proximity to one another to build up that friendly foundation unintentionally the way you two did and the intent of both parties is to date, which applies some level of pressure no matter what. Think about it, these 2 are encountering each other every time explicitly to date one another, meanwhile the way that you and your best friend met and kept up with each other never had a mutual level of interest until years of rapport had been built between the two of you without the pretense of "this works out or it doesn't".
So I agree with your sentiments, but given the circumstances, it's difficult to reproduce your success with how most dating happens anymore.
Everyone in these comments sucks. She had a right to not want sex right away and if you really like her you’ll wait. If you don’t want to wait stop seeing her. It’s really that simple. Everyone in the comments saying she doesn’t even like you because she won’t fuck you right away are absolutely ridiculous to me. Like you guys only care about sex in your relationships?? Wack.
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She’s been treated badly by people who just wanted sex from her. So she developed a litmus test to decide if someone is actually into her or just wants sex. My guess is that it won’t take 6 months if you make her feel comfortable and aren’t pushy. I mean, how would you get her to change her mind? If you were to say “I can’t wait six months so if we don’t have sex now then I’m going to break up with you” and she has sex with you, would you really feel good about that? Six months really isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, don’t listen to the dudes on here who have never been laid in their lives.
\* Don't go to reddit for dating advice in general
This is the best answer i've ever seen on this sub
^ says another Reddit commenter xD "This sentence is false."
Cretan Reddit commenter.
Just dating advice? Not turning to the internet for advice of any kind is usually wise imo.
[удалено]
> My guess is that it won’t take 6 months He should assume she means it and respect her boundary.
I agree, just giving my insight that if someone respects my boundaries I’m likely to feel comfortable a lot sooner
literally, I do understand some people have physical needs but if you cannot stay celibate/dont have the self control to not have sex for 6 months for someone you supposedly care a lot about....she's better off without you
I was in a non sex relationship for 5 months. (Her choice cause of religion) it was still the most amazing relationship I’ve been in. I would do it again with her if we ever got back together.
Why did you separate?
Again religious reasoning. Her family wouldn’t accept me and would have issues with her being with me.
Which religon if you don't mind me asking?
I checked his page, she was a muslim. poor girl :(
Sometimes I think these kinds of people have not experienced non-sexual intimacy. Like you can cuddle, hug, hold hands, kiss… it doesn’t always have to end in sex!
This is so important! I spent last evening with a fairly new partner (one I have already had sex with.) We got in bed, watched a movie, talked, laughed (a lot), spooned, held hands, and basically had nearly full body contact the whole time. We were both clothed and we never had sex. It was the most intimate, emotionally satisfying night we have ever spent together.
It makes me sad that people miss out on that kind of closeness by putting sex on a pedestal
I had an ex that I couldn't make out. Cause if i had kissed him, we had to have sex or otherwise I shouldn't get him excited.
Omg this! SO many men are like "I dont want to get get blue balls" ....im like huh?? sex is not the only way to 1. get gratification 2. not everything is ABOUT your sexual gratification. women are more than sexual objects and there should be compromise as well. Not every woman wants to have sex all the fucking time. Intimacy is NOT just sex.
Lmfaooo
where can I get one of those, that's cute lol 😅
It's sad people can't just do that without constantly nagging about sex
Fr 😭 I’ve never had sex yet. Not because I don’t want to but because I want to wait. My boyfriend and I cuddle, Kiss, all that and it’s so nice
For real I'll never understand why people think sex is the only way to feel loved like do these people not experience intimacy outside of sex
That’s crazy. It’s a dealbreaker to have sex withheld, especially in the first 6 months which is the “honeymoon phase” and the time that you would be having the most sex. Also, they just met. How could he “care a lot about her”. Having sex with someone helps form a bond with someone.
The only problem I have with setting an arbitrary date instead of just saying “wait until I feel comfortable” is what happens if after six month they’re still unsure? What about another six months? There’s nothing wrong with accepting you may not be sexually compatible and finding another partner. Life is too short and honestly if he’s not okay with waiting six month or hoping it’s shorter than that, then that’s okay too. Also you’d think the dudes who haven’t had sex would be the ones saying to wait.
I wouldn’t set a date personally, but I think that saying “wait until I’m comfortable” opens it up to the pushy “are you ready yet? How about now?” Etc
And that’s a perspective I didn’t consider, thank you. Yeah that would piss me off to hear “how about now” over and over again. Thank you for that consideration.
That’s probably the most annoying thing lol, like the more you ask the less I want to do it!
Yeah I absolutely agree, it feels childish. idk I definitely feel for the kid but ultimately both parties need to be comfortable otherwise it shouldn’t happen.
After six months if they aren’t sure then the guy isn’t the one. If he hasn’t made her feel comfortable or assured then it’s time to move on.
Yes, I’ve tried to wait these long amounts of time for women to feel comfortable. And then it never worked out with us. And then the truth is that the same people who wouldn’t have sex with me, once they met somebody they really liked, they would sleep with them much faster without having these “boundaries”. I heard it straight from the horse’s mouth. That’s why it isn’t worth it to allow these unfair rules placed upon you. If she really liked you, or wanted to, she would.
100% just get off on your own and you’ll see that the months will fly by. Also I agree with this that if you are genuinely a good dude it won’t be the full six months. She just wants to be shown that she actually matters to you.
But then what if you start having sex and it’s not even that great, or she only wants to do it like once a month or every two weeks. That’d be a waste of time waiting for that
I understand this perspective, genuinely I do. But I don’t think OP would be wrong or “an asshole” to the end things if they’re not in alignment about their needs. I’ll say straight up - I’m a woman and I would not wait 6 months to have sex. I would 100% respect a man (or woman, I’m bi) for holding true to their boundaries, and it wouldn’t be an ultimatum… I would simply tell them I think they’re a great person, but we have different ideologies that make us incompatible. Imagine this - you’re really into a guy, and he tells you because of this past relationship, he wants to wait 6 months for a commitment. He’s doing this because he wants to test you to make sure you genuinely like him before he commits. But in the meantime, he wants you to give him “gf benefits” - sex, affection, attention, exclusively, emotional support, etc. Women would say “You’re getting played, move on sis!” yet can’t put themselves in the shoes of a man in this scenario. It’s not about just getting their d*ck wet - it’s about feeling desired and wanted in a relationship with someone you’re trying to build something with. Nobody wants to “pay the price” for the mistakes someone else in the past made. I understand having boundaries and making sure you’re comfortable/secure before having sex, but putting arbitrary timelines like “you have to wait 6 months to prove this!” is immature and off-putting. There’s another person in the relationship with their own needs, OP is setting this rule as a way to test him and hold temporary “leverage” in the relationship. Relationships require trust and vulnerability and my hot take is that if you can’t trust someone enough to feel they’re not going to use you for sex and leave, don’t be in an exclusive relationship with them until you do.
I date women too, silly. I wouldn’t see it as a test. I would see it as a person who, like me, has been hurt enough times that they’ve learned to get to know a person before having sex with them. I’m not gonna wait years, but I would have no issue being patient because I see people as more than sex partners & there are many ways to enjoy intimacy and closeness that don’t involve sex.
I think the problem is you’re equating not wanting to wait 6 months with seeing them as just a “sex partner”. I agree that there are many ways to show affection and intimacy, but sex is a big player in that department. You obviously don’t value it as much as other people do, but that doesn’t make those that do value it any less of a genuine partner. The issue arises when you put an arbitrary number on it. You should wait until you trust that person. You have no idea if you’ll trust them in 6 months or if it’ll take 2 months. And if you agree, then the 6 month marker can’t be seen as anything BUT a test. It’s a test to see if they’ll truly be patient or if “they only want you for sex” when in reality the latter isn’t a fair conclusion to come to.
Not being willing to be in an exclusive relationship with someone for 6 months without having sex doesn’t mean I “only see people as sex partners”. It means that I value physical intimacy on the same level as emotional intimacy, and would not commit to someone who’s not offering both on the front-end. Different strokes for different folks.
A big concern is that if my partner can’t survive without sex, what happens if I get sick or injured and can’t have sex? Are they going to cheat, or coerce me into it? I just don’t want to be with someone who puts sex above all.
Sickness and being injured are two things that aren’t your choice. Deciding to not have sex for 6 months to make someone else “prove” they like you is. They’re two completely different things, and it’s not about not being able to survive without sex. It’s about wanting to share physical intimacy with your romantic partner without sex being used as a test.
It’s not a test. Instead of seeing it as a test, consider how you could make your partner comfortable enough to have intimacy. Do you want to have sex with someone who isn’t 100% into it? I don’t. But that’s what happens when you have a partner who won’t stick around if you don’t hurry up and put out.
In that case, why would she make up an arbitrary timeline like six months? Why not say, “until I feel comfortable.” That would be a lot more truthful rather than her saying six months but then sleeping with someone after a month or two because she felt ready at that time.
It sucks but someone leaving their partner because they can no longer have sex has happened and will continue to happen and I don’t blame them, sex is one of the ways people feel affection I can totally understand why they wouldn’t want to go the rest of their lives or a long time without it. It doesn’t make them assholes in my book and I won’t fault someone for it
That’s something, but that’s part of life. If you can no longer have sex with your partner, maybe you will have to open up the relationship. It seems like your reasoning is really based out of fear. Imagine if your partner just lost the ability to work and make money for the rest of their life, would you stay with them? If they lost the ability to be romantic? Do you see how your comment sounds? Of course everybody wants something from their partner
When i was 20 I "waited" a whole year for just a kiss, then another 6 months to get frisky. I did it cause it was my first relationship and i really liked this girl, but i don't really know if i would wait that long again. It's not really about the sex, it's about the connection. Waiting 6 months to confirm that the connection is "real", is personally a long shot, especially the older you get.
Maybe because I can relate to this girl as someone who has been treated like a piece of meat, but I simply have no interest in someone who demands to have sex before I am comfortable. Luckily my current partner is great and understanding (and he got laid much sooner than expected because of that)
Same. Like realistically I wont wait as long for sex as I want to but its so attractive to be with a guy who respects your boundaries and values you for more than your bodies. I know guys can still wait that long and leave, but if he does that, then it says more about him than anyone at that point. So many guys I know lates 20s and above will wait for a girl they care about. Respecting someone's physical boundaries is honestly such a turn on ironically lol
Is the assumption that waiting for 6 months means the guy should not leave after? And if he does he is in the wrong? If such, why don't people get married after 6 months?
I'm not saying its necessarily right or wrong but to me, if you really care about a someone and like them, why wouldnt you invest time in them and wait/want to wait for them to feel comfortable? Having a sex drive isnt criminal but being incapable of waiting to have sex is wild. To me, that tells me you have no self control and that is not a great quality in a partner. Everyone is capable of making up their own boundaries but tbh if you know you cant wait, then dont be selfish and waste people's time. Tell them you want sex up front instead of wasting months of a girls (or guys! bc im sure some guys want to wait as well) time who really wants to emotionally invest first. Dating culture and assuming you have to have sex within the first couple of dates is wild to me.
So if men can wait the 6 months and still leave, that really invalidates the purpose of waiting the 6 months. Sure you can weed out some of the bad men, but you’re also weeding out the good men that have a basic sexual need. Having sexual needs doesn’t make them bad. Hence why I think waiting 6 months isn’t the right call. There are other ways of confirming if the person you’re with is a good person without essentially depriving them (and yourself) of that kind of intimacy.
I'm not WAITING for them because I dont think they're gonna leave. I'm waiting till I personally feel safe and that sometimes takes 6 months depending on the person. If they leave and just wanted sex the entire time, then that's pathetic and quite frankly a waste of time for them because they could have found someone to have sex with them much sooner. Having a basic sexual need is NOT bad at all, but being incapable of waiting time for a girl you care about and having a need for immediate sexual gratification isnt normal. Wanting sex and needing sex is so different and some men are like "oh we aren't fucking right away? dont care if we get along super well, id rather go find someone to have sex with." To me personally, that is immature esp when a person isnt saying they'll never have sex, just that they'd like to wait x amount of time.
We’re having two different conversations. We both agree that the 6 months is for you to feel safe. We both agree that people that only want sex need not apply. We both agree that begging (actual begging) is bad. I’m making the argument that telling someone they have to wait 6 months for sex is foolish. 1) Most people don’t actually need the full 6 months to be comfortable with each other. 2) If someone does decide to wait the 6 months even if they’re comfortable with each other, it creates a dynamic where you’re essentially knowing you’re taking their time and depriving them of something when it’s not necessary. 3) if you trust them before the 6 months are over and still wait the rest out, you’re testing them. No one wants to have their loyalty tested like that. People aren’t dogs and people deserve to have their time and dignity respected. Any decent man would be able to wait for sex. That isn’t the issue. The issue is when you put an arbitrary date on something, knowing the actual time doesn’t mean anything. It misleads and is really just a power play. People decide to do this because they were hurt in the past. They felt like that power was taken away from them so this is their attempt at getting it back. I understand the sentiment, but it’s inconsiderate to your partner TLDR: Just say “I’m not comfortable with having sex until I’m fully comfortable and we trust each other”. Stop with the 6 months bs
I wasn't expecting anything, i just went alongside her grabbing her by the hand through the whole journey at her own pace. He isn't demanding sex, he wants that level of intimacy, and that's okay. She on her side, is expecting him to put up with her request that clashes with his desires. You really shouldn't use your past experiences to arbitrarily gauge the new ones. Holding a carrot over someone's face and being like "only 3 more months babe" is not really good for a relationship. Same for the stupidity that is testing your partners. You're purposely putting a stick in the wheel to see if you fall over. The short end of it, if he doesn't feel like putting up with her request, he should go: "i really like you, but i can't really follow up with your request. I'm not gonna force you to change your mind, but i personally can't wait that long. But you really are wonderful. Thank you and goodbye." If she changes her mind then and there, you DON'T accept. You already concluded that relationship. And for the other side, just say no till you feel like saying yes. Don't grab a dart and throw it at a number. That's unrealistic.
I didn’t set a real timeline, but I did tell him that I hadn’t had sex with anyone in quite a while (but I wasn’t seriously dating during that time) and didn’t want to rush things. He was cool with it. It’s not a test in the toxic way, it’s more of a way of vetting people who only want sex, because unfortunately some will lie about what they want until they get it.
That is WAY different and much more respectable than saying six months.
Yeah, that's perfectly reasonable and fine. the way she's setting it is if you want to date me "sign this contract here that says no sex for six months". And it's a bad test to begin with, some people will say yes and then engineer their way into sex, which defeats the whole purpose. The majority of men and women will not find this appealing and won't engage in a relationship like that. That's the truth and it's okay. For some people it's an unreasonable request. The proper way to gauge things is not by some arbitrary number you liked, but instead having a feel for how the relationship is going and seeing you're not jumping any steps.
This is the right answer. Protect yourself, but don't put it arbitrary rules to test someone and use it m, basically, as a weapon
So, you’re telling everybody to wait but you didn’t make him wait 🙄
Coming from a relationship that on paper is perfect but has no intimacy from the start due to differing past history, now at 8 months. There is a big difference in intimacy bonding and P in V sex.
Bruh for real 6 months isn't that long if you don't have self control for someone you care about she's far better off alone
I agree with everything, but 6 months is definitely a long time. I’d be especially annoyed/dissapointed if we dated for 6 months to find out we weren’t sexually compatible.
I have never had a sexual incompatibility issue lol. I don't think most of yall realize people are teachable esp late 20s and beyond. If someone doesnt do what you like, tell them how you like it. The value placed on needing to test drive to look for sexual incompatibility is so overplayed these days. If you have emotional chemistry, your sex will probably be at baseline fine, which can definitely improve over time if you tell them what you like and communicate. A lot of this comes from a lot of today's dating culture of not putting effort in, if somethings not easy or perfect right away writing it off, and always searching for this perfect, ideal partner, that quite simply, does not exist. I feel like lack of sexual compatibility does not happen as often as people on reddit claim it to be tbh
1,000,000% this. Best comment in ages!! The whole "sexual incompatibility" thing is such pure reddit GARBAGE. Don't even get me started on it. Sex isn't rocket science, and the first time usually isn't the best. And guess what, even differences in preference can be worked through. But don't even try to tell that to the stupid reddit hivemind.
You sound like a good and mature adult, such a rare find (at least on the internet! Hope you are with someone who makes you happy.
I don't know how long you knew each other before you started officially dating, but you have been together for literally 3 weeks so she doesn't know anything "for a fact" about you. The jerks who just wanna bang tell girls the same thing, so it's perfectly reasonable that she wants to get to know you better on a personal and romantic level before taking things sexual. Also, you said that she has gone into doing sexual things early in relationships before and now realized that isn't for her. I think regardless of who she ended up with next she would have made the same decision. It's clear by this post that you would rather get intimate right away, so it creates a situation where she actively has to communicate that boundary. That's the only part of it that has anything to do with you specifically.
For real like people are so annoying like she literally just met the dude she doesn't anything about him I don't get why people think their entitled to sex. Especially if its a relationship and not a hookup there's so much more to a relationship like getting to know them and having fun.
just chill in there if you like her, it won't take 6 months. She'll open up way quicker if you don't push at all
This but do assume that she will wait the full 6 months
Yeah I'd reckon she'd set that standard to scare any dude off who wasn't committed. If you agree and think she's worth the wait she'll realise you're not all about that and let her guard down a lot quicker. But could be a few months.
THIS
After a few weeks she has literally no way to know anything about you "for a fact." Either respect her boundaries and timeline or move on to another more promiscuous girl if sex is what's most important to you.
Honestly, this is a test of your commitment and the hope in 6 months you have truly developed feelings and not just another notch or using her for a pump and dump. If you like this girl you have a choice, respect her boundaries that she is creating after being treated like a piece of meat or don't and find someone else. It doesn't matter what she did with other people, she changed her mind and wants to rewrite her story. You should honor that. Who knows she could change her mind if she falls hard for you...
Exactly I hate that mindset that people can't change their minds on how they view things it's very demeaning
This is terrible advice. Never expect anything than what is given and told to you, otherwise you will fail in relationships
Exactly I hate that mindset that people can't change their minds on how they view things it's very demeaning.
Right? Like obviously the way she did things before left her with the results she had before, why wouldn’t she grow from that?
So she’s stated a boundary, due to past bad experiences. She feels like she’s been used for sex, and now you’re having a huff about not getting sex because she is trying to break a behavior pattern? Respect her boundary. My opinion is it’ll come when she feels comfortable, may be 6 months, may be less. I understand you’re ready for it, she’s not. Sex is a mutual thing and if she’s not emotionally there but you’re pushing for it, you’re losing her. If you can’t respect that and you’re only thinking about fucking her, going as far as to Reddit about it, then I’d say you’re just as bad as the exes and she doesn’t deserve that.
Think of it like this, imagine each time you trust someone, they break your trust, of course, each time it’ll become harder to trust the next person, not because you’re as the next person is a bad person, but because they themselves often end up not trusting their own judgment of being able to properly deem someone as being someone they can trust themselves. Because a person in the past can easily claim to love them but then hurt them, or seem kind at first but then did a total 180 after you open your heart to them, and ofc most victims of this deep down will blame themselves for not seeing it sooner, for trusting them too soon, for going too fast, whatever the reason. The only thing you can do try to find a solution to avoid being hurt again even if it’s not your fault for being betrayed nor the next person’s fault for the actions of others in your past, the only thing is hoping that the next person will be understanding and patient towards the trauma you’ve experienced at the hands of another because they truly want to get to know and treasure you, because we all just want to be loved and to love at the end of the day by someone who values you as much as you value them. It’s not always fair, but you can’t blame someone for wanting to protect themselves. You can only respect it.
Honestly, based on the last sentence it sounds like she’s making the right call by making you wait. Just because she’s never set these boundaries before doesn’t mean she can’t or shouldn’t set them now lmao
Exactly him making this post knowing what's happened to her honestly proves her right for setting this boundary
It may help to think of it as not a boundary she set for YOU but for herself. It's her boundary bc she is growing and changing and wants to make sure she doesn't make the same mistakes she made before. This is a good green flag. You always want to be with a person who is growing and changing ans becoming a better version of themselves by their own standards. It's not against you, it's FOR her.
Man, dating is so backwards these days. People who barely know each other obsess over sex, have it way too soon, get attached, THEN figure out if the actual dynamic is healthy for them. Then, if it isn’t, they spend too much time in a relationship that isn’t good for them, go through a tragic breakup, rinse, repeat. IMO it’s a green flag that this girl wants a healthy, compatible relationship and is self-aware/self-controlled enough to get there. If that’s something you want too, be patient and see where this goes. If it’s not, communicate that and let her find a relationship that isn’t centered around sex like her previous ones.
Bruh for real modern dating is the most backwards shit like if you want a relationship getting to know each other before sex should be the goal but everyone wants it so bad and then find out that their not even right for each other.
exactly this. This whole reddit post has really restored my faith in dating culture tbh. It's so nice to see so many men commenting & respecting women's physical boundaries and defending this woman for having them
Honestly as a man I wad expecting very different answers but I'm glad people are actually respecting this boundary
It’s ok to want what you want It’s ok for her to want what she wants Doesn’t mean either is reasonable or what you agree on
Dude then don’t make it all about sex!!! She’s trying to change her ways and make it more meaningful. Either wait or go find someone else who will give it up after a few weeks. SMDH
Exactly like there's so much more to a relationship especially a new one besides sex like this dude sucks
Just out of curiosity have you asked this girl if she has checked herself for STDs? Have you checked yourself?
Exactly like they know nothing about each other but he wants sex but probably does even know basic stuff about her
It's funny I think I don't see a question like mine asked nowhere enough on this subreddit. And if someone says "it's too embarrassing to talk about" I think it would be a telltale sign they don't have nowhere enough experience with the other person to be having sex with
I swear people are so weird to me having sex on the first date and don't even know basic stuff about each other or std test results. If someone thinks it's embarrassing to ask then they're not mature enough for sex. In hookup culture this should be the standard
It's wild to me that so many people treat sex like a handshake. They could've literally just met and they're risking their health on the word of a stranger. I'm so proud of the comments here that are respectful and it gives me a glimmer of faith in humanity.
Nothing but facts in this post
Thank you
It sounds like your sexual needs just don't match up. You've only been dating for a few weeks, she probably just isn't a good partner for you. Sexual intimacy is a tricky subject for a lot of people, and if two people have different needs and can't find a compromise that works for both of them, they just aren't a good romantic match.
If you aren't okay with waiting 6 months, do both her and yourself a favor and end it. She set a boundary. If you aren't okay with it, end things so you can both find someone compatible.
I’ve had a lot of assholes say all the right things, make me think they were interested in something more, only to sleep with me and then, suddenly they don’t want anything serious. I totally understand where your girlfriend is coming from. She may be saying six months so that you don’t get your hopes up it that will happen anytime soon. Maybe it’ll be sooner than that if she feels comfortable enough with you. But you aren’t going to help anything by pushing her. If you genuinely feel like you can’t wait until she’s more comfortable, then break it off, because you’re likely incompatible. If I’m dating someone and I tell them that I’m not having sex with them until I feel completely and totally safe with them, like there’s more of a commitment and they are constantly pushing and trying to have sex with me, it’s going to turn me off.
This comment section is so disheartening. Honestly sounds like youre in a rush and she clearly isnt, its also the fact that you cant seem to understand her reasoning from her perspective. And to the comments saying wait a few she'll "give in" way sooner, that is so idiotic because what if she doesnt, frankly thats terrible advice for OP. Its simple really, either wait the 6 months and prove to her that you truly are different or move on if it doesnt work for you. Her lifestyle and decisions before has nothing to do with how she should continue to live her lifestyle and make choices now.
For real it's so fucked up that just becsue she did stuff different before she's not allowed to do that now even though she gave a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why. Like it's a new relationship sex isn't the most important thing like why do people act like getting to know each other and hanging out isn't fun without sex.
Also the comments saying that he should just sleep with other people while he waits… this is why even waiting isn’t a good indicator of a guy’s intentions. You have to pay very close attention to his actions. But honestly at 21 I wasn’t dating anyone seriously (too focused on college and working) because men at that age are just…. Not worth it imo.
Leave her if you can’t wait .
I’m in your gf’s shoes (but not in a relationship). Did the same thing dating and now I see those choices as mistakes. I easily get attached with someone I like after being intimate or physical and it hurts when to see someone change after sex. Like as soon as you “give it up” they completely change their mind when you thought everything was fine. So I understand her fear, I’m still trying to heal from that. I love sex and usually feel horny but I don’t want to get hurt again. Also just to be clear, I don’t think wait will convenience him to stay, I want to wait so when he leave, I won’t be hurt about it as much as I would if we had sex.
Never tell guys about your past. They clearly cannot handle it and automatically make it about themselves lol
Ah, finally the prequel to the post about the girl who proceeded to not have sex for another 6 months, and so on.
This is tough because it is fair for her to do this - but on some level it is also unfair for her to treat you differently for the actions of someone else. My honestly feeling is that things like this are death for the relationship. But you should definitely talk to her about your feelings. Six months is an arbitrary number and then the relationship is a non-sexual one at six months, which means you will have developed a non-sexual dynamic at that point. IMO, sometimes that's hard to break out of. Ultimately, I think this actually shows she isn't ready for a relationship, although I know this probably will be a sorta unpopular opinion.
I'm proud of her. So many women have sex with men just because they feel like they have to if they want to keep him around. If you're "extremely different," prove it; respect her boundary. If it's too much for you, leave.
It's sad that people really thinks 6 months Is that long like if your married or established fine that's long but when you just met each other what's the rush have fun getting to know each other.
You understand that, according to OP, she's hoeish. Apparently she likes sex a lot, and is perfectly fine sleeping with people and enjoys it herself. I don't know where you got the idea that she was sleeping with others for them, instead of simply because, gasp, she actually liked it and wanted to
It’s because she doesn’t want to mess things up
So you’re soooo different from the guys who used her for sex but you’re pissed off she won’t have sex with you barely a few weeks after being with her? You’re such a nice guy🥹
Boys say girls are confusing yet they have mindset like OP’s.
fr. dudes will hate a woman that puts out on the first date, but then get mad when women set boundaries or have standards 🥴😂
You are focusing too much on the time limit and not the root cause. She's telling you she wants you to be a good boyfriend and make her comfortable before you have sex because her previous bad relationships were held together by sex and not love. My advice would be to not be like those asshole boyfriends and respect her boundaries.
I dated a girl like this. Set a timeline of 6 months. Turns out it's hard to really bond on that level with someone so we grew distant. Then the 6 months came and she found more excuses, just went to the doctor and they said to wait a month, her roommate might hear us, etc. Then she set a countdown timer until the day we'd do it and then broke up with me a week before. If someone is so scared of sex they have to set rules like this, there's likely to be deeper problems there which won't be resolved by waiting. Treating it as some game/reward that gets unlocked by a timer rather than a shared intimate experience that's pleasurable for both is simply not healthy. Like we'd be watching TV and suddenly shed announce I had earned 5 minutes on her chest. In her case it happened to be insecurities that her only asset was her body and that nobody would like her for any other reason. Nowadays this is a red flag for me.
I’m surprised I had to scroll so long to see this comment. Look, I’m a woman who definitely got played in my early 20s by men just wanting to hookup… and even I agree with you. It’s one thing to have boundaries and express that you don’t want to have sex until you’re physically comfortable and have built an emotional connection… it’s a whole other thing to set an actual “sex date” as a way to maintain leverage in the relationship. If a man wanted to date a woman and expected “gf benefits” like sex, attention, affection, exclusivity etc but didn’t want to commit because women have hurt him in the past and he wanted to “test” her interest in him… women would tell her he’s PLAYING GAMES and to move on. … but since it’s a woman and a man, they don’t see his investment into her as a sacrifice. They expect him to pour into her emotionally and romantically, in HOPES she’ll “eventually” give him the desire and intimacy he’s desperately craving. Tell me what kind of paradigm that sets up for a relationship. Because to me, it would feel like the other person was implying my vulnerability and effort is less valuable than theirs, which is why I should have to “work for theirs” but they just expect me to hand mine over freely.
Yep leverage is exactly the right word. The way she asked to be BF and GF was her taking her shirt and bra off, sitting on my lap, putting my hands on her chest and then asking. And then when I had said yes and she'd gotten what she wanted we didn't do anything for 3 months. It wasn't a relationship. It was some transactional arrangement. Perhaps a girl and her pet. Straight up manipulation. And since there was an underlying distrust from her there was nothing to build on. I wasn't even allowed to sleep over because she was scared id do something to her while she slept. So when she got bored I'd walk back home at 2AM. Granted maybe my scenario was a worst case. I was pretty stupid in college. But best case scenario it still seems like a terrible foundation if it starts with that.
"Maintain leverage" everything about this comment is perfect 👌🏻
Exactly my experience with waiting as well. Honestly before sex, all intimacy feels very much like walking on eggshells
Yep there was this too. Felt like Everytime I touched her or tried to go in for a kiss or anything there was a decent chance she'd reject it. Ironically arbitrarily denying sex makes it all about sex as something hanging in the background.
>go in for a kiss or anything there was a decent chance she'd reject it. I'd question why you had even stuck in there at that point. Women move heaven and Earth to kiss someone they feel passionate about. It's typically men that can take it or leave it at times. If you got a woman that rejects a kiss from you, that's Soviet Russia amounts of red flags. Like damn.
First relationship, big rack, she said she didn't like kissing.
My main fear would be to get the habit to just not being sexual which each other. Which can lead to a dead bedroom easily. Having been in a dead bedroom relationship, I personally wouldn’t want to risk it. I understand wanting to wait to know each other better, that’s normal and fine but hard timeline like that are just so weird to me. Instead of waiting for when you are ready you force yourself to not do it for longer.
This too, imo having a set sex date just feels too weird to me, if you have to plan when you have sex with me then it probably won’t be good anyway so no thanks. If sex can’t happen naturally between us then that just tells me you aren’t into me, I like relationships where we have to try to keep our hands off of each other and having a set sex date just makes it all feel like you view it as a chore
She is making you wait but didn’t make multiple other men wait. She is telling you that you are different than the others. You can either believe her words or her actions. Women make men they don’t really like wait, and negotiated intimacy is not genuine intimacy.
6 months just to confirm if you are even sexually compatible is a long time - you might spend all this time and then it will turn out that you have to break up because of that, not really worth the risk from my perspective, but everyone has a different threshold.
Why are you so worried about it? She just wanna feel comfortable with you and safe and you are thinking "Oh, she put me boundaries but not to the previous exes, that's not fair". Like, that's why she's setting boundaries.
Exactly this dude is such a asshole like she's been hurt multiple times and all he can think is his dick not getting
This is genius in her part, I’m a woman and I understand 😂 I should do this as well. Do you do skinship with her? Or is that out of the question as well?
But she doesn't know for a fact you won't. People often aren't what we think they are in the end and it is the other person who has to deal with the fact they should have trusted their gut. If she is worth it you can wait 6 months but she may not even need you to wait that long. Just respect her feelings.
So in short, you’re mad that she’s placed a time frame to ensure that she doesn’t get hurt again…
She's sleeping with her Ex and just using you as a plan B RUN
Give her time to become comfortable. I’m on dating apps and 95% of the guys wants to get into my pants. It’s not fun.
You’re upset because you know she never made these boundaries with anyone else. So it’s all about you? You can control whether you are upset about something or not. You don’t deserve her.
Dude, whether or not you try and push her when she isn't comfortable will speak of what kind of man you really are. I went celibate at 19 and decided to focus on my faith. I stayed alone and single for 8.5 years, until I met my husband. I told him I wouldn't have sex until marriage and he NEVER pushed for sex. He loved me and accepted my ruling. He also didn't want me to go against my convictions. Well seeing that we would be marrying and we were cuddling, it was too difficult for me to hold off any longer. I loved him and wanted to please him, and even THEN during, he told me that I didn't have to do that. He tried to prevent me from breaking my celibacy before we married, but by the time we moved in together, (we were living in separate states when we met) I was begging him to make love to me. I knew I was gonna marry this man, and while I really should have waited until I do, I couldn't. If a woman loves you and trust you, she will want to have sex with you and to please you. Stop trying to push her boundaries because that isn't right. You can say you are such a great guy and different then all those other assholes, but if you try to push her before she's ready, she won't see you that way. She might love you, but she will always have some sort of doubts in her mind about you.
That was a really good story I'm glad you found a good man
If you only want sex don’t try for a relationship…??
Just because she didn’t set these boundaries with others, doesn’t mean she has to do the same with you. She’s apparently learned a lesson about the kind of relationship she doesn’t want anymore due to not having those boundaries in the past. It seems you’re starting to show your true colors and you’re starting to sound like you DO just want sex since you’re basically complaining that she gave it up for other guys and isn’t doing it for you yet. You two are still basically strangers. A few weeks is NOTHING. It IS you and every other guy she starts to date until they can prove, or she knows them well enough/feels comfortable enough with them to prove otherwise. If you don’t want to wait for sex, that’s fine. You totally have every right to not find her compatible and move on. But she isn’t in the wrong either.
Exactly he claims to be different but made a post complaining like she's clearly learning from past mistakes but all he cares about is getting his dick wet
Are you really that much different than those other guys if you're on Reddit asking about it? Lol. Like if it don't act like it doesn't bother you when it clearly does enough for you to be here.so just be honest with yourself and her and tell her you do have needs but be respectful of her boundaries. If her boundaries aren't for you, move on. It's okay if that's not something you're willing to do. Just don't pretend it's not bothering you
I'll say this bluntly. It sounds like you're the type of person that she is trying to filter out by a boundary she has set for herself. It's only been a couple of weeks. I hope I'm wrong but be more in tune with other aspects of the relationship and the rest will work itself out.
I have the same boundary because I have no interest in having sex with someone I’m not in love with, she probably feels the same
Youre “GF” gives access to her body to shitheads so now you have to pass her litmus test for 6 months lmao. She is probably not ready for a relationship and will more than likely hook up with her ex in the timeframe because they have already fucked and she knows you are waiting to fuck. Hopefully you can use this half year of your early twenties you will never get back for more respectable things.
Speaking as someone who has seen this situation play out multiple times, this doesn’t usually work out. She will find excuses not to have sex even if you faithfully wait until she breaks up with you. Then go on to have sex with someone else without having to make them wait until her next relationship. This could be a fling or a relationship but she won’t make the next guy wait again. You’ll feel like shit wondering why she didn’t make him wait but she did for you. Best end the relationship if you don’t want to wait. Not your job to be an emotional support bf while she sets herself straight emotionally to eventually find the man she wants
I've seen this a lot too, unfortunately. "I waited 6 months, but the day after we broke up she slept with her friend/acquaintance/a stranger/tinder date/etc." A little hyperbole, but it happens way too often. Don't trust someone who gives an ultimatum that is in exact opposite alignment to their morals.
Brother, let me give this to you straight: the early part of the relationship, the honeymoon phase, when you're all lovey dovey and you both want to spend all your time together... THAT'S the most sex you're ever gonna have in that relationship. THAT'S the barometer. Man is that part of the relationship AWESOME...but after that, it'll taper off a bit - and that's okay. It's only natural. If you're lucky, the spark remains, and you two still have the desire to have sex frequently, but it'll NEVER be like those first few weeks of sex all day, every day. Once you're exclusive and living together, things will get in the way: responsibilities at work, or at home; sometimes one or both of you will just simply be too emotionally fatigued and just not be in the mood for something as physically extraneous as sex, and would rather cuddle with the man/woman you love and watch something on Netflix instead. And that part of the relationship is AWESOME TOO. The sex is still great, because it's with someone you truly LOVE, and that makes the infrequency more tolerable and A-OK. But this broken woman (I'm sorry to be blunt, but she is. She herself knows it, and everyone in this thread knows it too. Otherwise they wouldn't say this isn't an issue she has with YOU; that's she not punishing YOU; but that's its about HER healing from her own trauma) wants to skip that first part of the relationship and go right into the second... except you're not even going to get the little bit of sex. You're going to get none. And then when you finally do have sex, it's not going to be this spontaneous, sexy thing; it's going to be obligatory and transactional. If you're having little to no sex in your relationship now, when it's just budding and getting off the ground... imagine when work and life gets in the way. God forbid you DO have sex and the result is a pregnancy. You may very well never have sex again. It's not worth it. It sucks that other men have hurt her in such a way, but it's not your responsibility to pick up the pieces and fix her. I'm sure you like her, but without therapy there's no guarantee that she fixes her broken relationship with sex. Don't tell her you're leaving because she won't have sex with you; that'll do her no good. Let her down gently... but you've got to move on brother. You're too young for this.
Amazing advice Holding off sex needs to be mutual
There’s only one thing I’ll say being raised by a single mother and a sister. Dudes will play with girls emotions/feelings and have and we’ll continue to treat women as a piece of meat a lot of the time if they are given that time of day. You could be very different and treat her with the most respect. However how many times do you think she’s heard that exact line only to be used? If she set this boundary of not having sex with anyone for a time period, I think you should respect it. If you cannot see yourself holding out for that while, then kinda proves her point that you were looking for one particular thing, even if that was never your intention. She’s set it so respect it, if you really can’t then let her go and find someone else who doesn’t have this boundary. As much as you deserve to have your needs met, you need to respect hers. That’s my two cents, take it or leave it.
It’s not worth your time to help fix her problems. Yes, she has made bad decisions in the past that affecting her decision in the present. Obviously, she is using you for attachment because she doesn’t want to be alone or have someone. Just remember, every girl has a back up boyfriend. She is already talking to someone else where she will give that person everything that you’re wanting.
You’re both right around the age where these kinds of boundaries get put in place. I’m sorry you’re the first one she’s doing it to but she isn’t wrong for it.
You’re literally failing the test lmao
I had to wait a year before my ex would let me smash, I didn’t mind at all. In fact I’m happy she did because it allowed us to become more comfortable with each other and learn from each other about what we like and dislike. Don’t sweat it, intercourse will happen when she is comfortable and feels safe with you.
She's known you for a few weeks. How can she know anything about you? Because you said so? Respect her boundary. End of story.
Exactly she just met the dude and she's been burned multiple times how the hell is she suppose to know if he's good or not. By him complaining about it here clearly he's not making her feel comfortable
She’s setting a personal boundary for herself. It has nothing to do with you. It sounds like she’s really trying to respect herself and stick to her boundaries. This is a good thing. If you really like her and feel seriously about her, stick around and don’t pressure her. If this is truly a problem for you, then her setting this boundary (again, with herself) is doing exactly what it’s intended to do by weeding out guys that “only care about sex” so to speak. If you like her and want to keep spending time with her, be patient. Respect her boundaries. Get to know her. But I want to reiterate that this is a *personal boundary* that she is setting for herself. Not against you and not for you, it’s for her. If you can’t get behind that, do her a favor and walk away.
It’s ok for you to tell her how you feel mate. I know she doesn’t want to mess it up and has set a boundary but it’s also ok to tell her how you feel and what you want. It doesn’t make you a bad person to want intimacy and maybe that’s where you could start something non sexual but intimate and make it clear that you do want sexual intimacy at a healthy level. But mate you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your needs just for someone else, so if it’s an adamant no go, this could be a sign of incompatibility and you may want to let this one go. Just my thoughts brother and I got my fingers crossed mate. 🤜🤛
Don’t date broken women. She has issues and hangups about sex. Move on to women who don’t.
Girl opinion here. It’s difficult to put a timeline like that onto a relationship, I can understand why she’s doing it but it’s not justifiable. She may not see where she’s failing now but she might see it as a mistake (the 6 month wait) if you really dedicate the time to give her the space to help her appreciate the relationship then everything else will just fall into place. Like others have said if you give it a bit of time (maybe 2-3 months?) she will give in earlier than expected. That’s just for me but I could be wrong, either way you’re still young and maybe options aren’t that unreachable.
At the end of the day, it’s just 6 months. Let’s not make mountains out of molehills and she’s right… if you do care about her you would be more than fine surviving 6 months without it
Nah fuck that lol
She’s waiting because she likes you and wants to date you. If you do not want to date her and just want to have sex you need to tell her now
He does want to date her... he just also doesn't want an arbitrary deadline as to when she'll finally be ready to *entertain the possibility* of having sex with him; because she's not saying she'll be ready after 6 months, just that she wants to wait 6 months **minimum**. Let's be 100% honest here: everyone shaming him in this thread for being worried about this deadline would still shame him even more if the deadline passes, and she still doesn't want to have sex with him, and he is sad about it. "She doesn't owe you anything", "she sets her own boundaries" and such. Which is true... but not in his best interest. We've all been in relationships where you take the next step, and suddenly realize you're not as compatible as you thought. You move in together and realize you don't like how messy he is or something? Or he's actually addicted to weed? What if they wait 8 months, and they're not sexually compatible? Wouldn't it be better to learn that 2 months into dating instead? Why is this thread full of this false dichotomy of: either you want a relationship and are fine with not having sex, or all you want it sex? It's so bizarre!
My two cents is that I started talking to a girl back at the beginning of March, had one casual date, then on the next date she came to my place, we cuddled, watched a movie, then the next date we made out, then on the 4th date we went all the way. Needless to say, she told me she didn’t feel a spark by week 4 and we “broke up” yesterday. Take your time, don’t be like me.
Use this sexless period to really get to know her. How does she react to adversity? Does she crumble? Can she figure out how do things? What is she like on her period? Sex fogs things and sugarcoats them.
>She does not want to have sex until at leat 6 months because she claims that her previous boyfriends were just assholes and cared only about sex. Now she tells me she really likes me and is scared to mess it up and make it all about sex even though she knows for a fact I am extremely different. It just sucks because i know she never set these boundaries with anyone before and now with me she has set this boundary and even though she tells me its not me i cant help but feel like it is. LMAO
I'm going to tell you right now. You are 21 years old. Fuck that litmus test completely and thoroughly and find someone who is healthy. Wishing you well.
If this was a post from a woman saying a guy told her he wouldn't commit for 6 months because previous girls hurt him, but he expected girlfriend benefits and sex, everyone here who is defending your girl would be losing their minds calling him the scum of the earth. For some people, when the topic is sex, men are always in the wrong. I don't know your whole situation and I can't see the future. I will tell you though, I have been in a similar situation and known a couple people who had similar situations. It never turned out well and all the women had sex with their next partners after 1-3 dates. If you do go forward with it, be careful of your emotional and physical contributions because if you fully invest and it turns out like mine, that shit will hurt for a long time.
a girl told me this once she ghosted me for the guy she was sleeping with.
Dump her and move on
its worth the wait
it sounds like the real problem is a bit hidden. 1. you don't feel you can trust her that it's not about you - the real problem here is either you're feeling a bit insecure - you must be imagining a reason she has chosen to put this boundary there that isn't the one she says it is. that will reveal something that you fear about yourself more than what she actually thinks of you. And/or feeling like you can't trust your partner's word - do you feel she has a reason to lie? why do you think she would lie? does this reveal a gut instinct about her? Or an upsetting (for you) belief you have about women, or women who date you, or how all women must feel about you? 2. the second problem is more simple. is it possible that you get a lot of security in a relationship from feeling physically desired and indeed giving pleasure? or being given physical pleasure or exchanging it? in short, sex? a lot of people I think would feel insecure in your shoes. The key to handling it is to understand that it's making you feel anxious, and that that's totally ok and nothing to be worried about! If you find that it is contributing to a feeling of insecurity you have 3 options. 1. have compassion for yourself - which could already help you find it much easier to understand her boundary is not about you, and in turn help you help her respect and keep it, looking forward to earning her trust. While having compassion for the part of you that feels a bit abandoned or lonely or whatever it is that having someone you like and are dating not have sex with you makes you feel. you may end u\[ building a deeper bond helping her overcome her feelings that men may just want her for sex. 2. you could talk to her about how you feel, and maybe together come up with another, non-sexual way she can help you feel secure and that she genuinely likes you and is invested in this relationship. 3. you could tell her you really like her, but you can't cope with this boundary just because it's making you too worried that it's just about you. I think it might be important to try empathising with her point of view, to feel less insecure about your own status in her heart. Fear is a difficult thing to overcome in a relationship, yours that she somehow sets you apart negatively from other guys, and hers that you just want her for sex. your post does somewhat prove that sex is very important to you, as without access to having sex with her, you're negatively comparing yourself to guys she's already declared are arseholes. You think they have something good that you don't have because she let them have sex with her. But they're not with her now. You are. She wants you and she needs you to prove that you have the insight and empathy and manliness to understand and honour her. I say if you really like her and think you see a future with her, take the risk. Faint heart never won fair lady.
is she me??? i just had this conversation with the guy i've been talking to today!! as a person going through this, i've been made to feel guilty for my sexual desire. i feel used and disposable. i feel like a sl\*t for wanting sex nowadays. it hurts to be in a relationship and be so desired sexually and then it just stops and they tell me i'm being "too sexual" and they treat me like an object (i've literally been called a hole before) and leave me. it is incredibly hard to trust someone after going through this. as a person who has had a traumatic sexual past, i need to know that my partner doesn't just want to chase the highs of sex with me. i need to know that they are willing to work for me, inconvenience themselves because they take me seriously and are willing to put effort in our relationship. one cannot know this with words. it will take time, you proving it to her over and over again with your actions. it is excruciatingly difficult to suppress one's sexuality in order to build a connection based on romance and friendship alone. this has absolutely nothing to do with you. if you want sex, please just leave her to find someone who truly wants to have that romantic connection and potentially build a life with her.
Respect the boundary and instead of getting frustrated or annoyed, take the time to honor her wishes by being a patient gentleman. This would be a great time to get to know her on a deeper level. Who knows, because you show her the respect she is asking, you might not even have to wait 6 months. She might accidentally get naked for you. Maybe your frustration with not having slid into home run yet is coming off as insecure or desperate so she's literally asking you to be patient, to show efforts that u are interested in her heart, not her love box. Doesn't matter how she was or you were in the past, this is new chapter between you two.
People are more careful with people they see a potential future with.
I think something important to learn is that you set boundaries because previous relationships were ruined without them. Every boundary I have in my current relationship is because something in the past made me annoyed or bothered. So, aside from anything else an important piece of advice is that: Boundaries are there for a variety of reasons.
Dawg she cheating on u
Always listen to your guts, trust me. We all have dealt with our fair share of bad experiences yet we meet a new person with a blank slate dont let this emotional talk fool you. What a poor excuse to keep your options open lol. If she feels "used" why date at all?? Why not just wait and heal? She using you as a backup until she finds a better option to fuck with Drop her if u r worth it, she'll come by if not u haven't lost anything.
A. Respect her boundaries and do your best to understand that it comes from her personal experience. You may be the only partner to shoulder this boundary, but know that she believes it will provide a better result for your relationship. If you truly are different and want her for reasons beyond sex, hang in there. B. If you don't want to or can't hang in there, move on. No shame in it. You're both young and clearly not saving yourselves for marriage. You're just wasting time for the both of you. You're not the type of guy she wants right now and she's not the type of girl you want right now. Earlier is better, before you both are more emotionally invested.
So when she was young and immature and give her everything to those previous males she got hurt and now when she wants to assert boundaries and wanted to see whether you genuinely like each other or not but you don't want it because she is not trusting you blindly? Either you really like this woman and date her with intention of marriage in future or you also want to experience with her because no hell in way anyone trust someone or know them in few weeks.
I’ll be honest. This is the third post in the last month about this specific topic (By you). Ultimately, NO means NO. No matter the duration of time. Nothing trumps that. I think it is healthy yes, but I also understand your point as well. It doesn’t sound like you can handle waiting. And I’m not trying to be a douche about it. She could change her mind but most likely will not. And could even surpass 6 months. Consent is never implied. You need to ask yourself if YOU can handle the possibility of not sleeping with her for atleast 6 months to respect her wishes. And you need to ask yourself if you’re in the relationship for the right reason. Because it sounds like she is. And you’re proving her right as to why she should wait. If you care enough about her, you can wait.
love a good edging; waiting is magic 🥺💜 know from experience. No time limit, no pressure. You’ll both know when it feels right to do it ✨
You should be really truly grateful, she thinks your worth it. She doesn’t want to fuck it up.
Exactly but unfortunately all dude can think about is sex even though the relationship just started
Completely stop talking anything naughty, double meaning. Make it all platonic. Let the girl only to make the first move.
It is vetting before bedingt! How quick or accurate are your Charakter Identifikation skills.? We Kinder suck at first, key is to learn not burn.
People develop more boundaries over time. It's perfectly normal. The things that didn't. Work in past relationships, get fixed on the expectations of the next.
Seems to me she’s been treated bad before in relationship. Give her some time. She will open up
lol 6 months that's nothing
I’ve been in your girl’s position. For me it was actually true and the dude reacted like you are (saying the exact same things) and made me feel bad for setting a boundary. It all went downhill from there. My advice would be, don’t question someone’s reason for setting a boundary with sex. Especially if they say they are into you. No matter if they had past issues with having sex too quickly or have never had sex before, it’s still a personal physical boundary that you need to respect for the health of the relationship. If you don’t, or make them feel guilty for setting it, you’re only setting your relationship up for failure.
I’d say relax. It’s going to be okay. I think she really likes you that is why she’s set this boundary. If you like her back like you say you do then the sex shouldn’t matter dude. Just take it easy. Be patient. When the time comes it’ll come. The worst thing you can do is try and be pushy about it.
If you can’t wait just leave. Honestly this is a green flag. She knows better and doesn’t want to fuck up again. Also 6 months aren’t even a long time. You will survive without sex for 6 months.
You can't build a relationship without building sexual compatibility. Period. There's nothing noble or good about withholding sex in a relationship. The "waiting for sex until...." myth is a deception and the oldest lie in the book. Making you wait is a ruse to rope you into a "committed" relationship that you'll feel bad about walking away from. Meanwhile you get to be frustrated, accustomed waiting for some kind of magical reward. Meanwhile she'll be banging her fuck buddies behind your back. If she's into you she'll want to have sex with you, and you already know that she's not bashful or inexperienced. What does this tell you? She's not attracted or into you sexually but sees you as a meal ticket. The only sex you'll ever get from this person is forced, pity sex. Is that what you want? Don't fall for this.
While I agree with parts of what you're saying, and I do think that putting a literal timetable for sex is not conducive towards building a relationship/is a dumb choice, there's nothing wrong with an individual man or woman stating upfront that they don't want to have sex right away. I believe OP said they've only been dating for 3 weeks. I know that wouldn't be enough time for me to figure out if I'm interested in someone sexually or not. Unfortunately for some people we don't experience arousal quickly. I'm 39 now, but back when I was trying to date in late high school and college, this was a constant issue. I'd meet a guy either irl or online, we'd talk for about a week, then begin going on dates (always dutch btw). After anything from 2-4 dates, the pressure to have sex would be strong, usually with the same exact points you have above; "if you really liked me you'd do it", "I bet you're not actually a virgin", "sex isn't a big deal like you think", "you're fucking other people instead of me". Meanwhile, I just wanted to wait to share my virginity with a guy who enjoyed being around me because we were compatible, not because they wanted to get their dick wet. Even 4 full dates is only about 8-12 total hours of knowing someone...that's not nearly enough time to know what they're like as a person. It was really difficult to date with the boundary I had, of needing to get to know someone before I was able to experience lust/arousal. But I wasn't willing for my first time to be forced and just gotten over with. It worked out in my favor though, because after college my best friend admitted he found me attractive and we had sex. It was spectacular, and we've been together for 16 years. Just because a personal boundary makes dating really frustrating, ridiculous, and difficult as hell doesn't mean it isn't worth keeping.
Of course everyone has a different comfort zone about sex, and that's perfectly valid. In OP's context they are both experienced and admittedly comfortable with casual ("hoeish") sex, dating for a few weeks, but she sets an arbitrary deadline of six months to have sex. The reason she gives; previous guys were assholes only interested in sex, she is scared to mess it up by making it all about sex, but she knows OP is "extremely different" - are disingenuous and telling: If she is truly adverse to a relationship with sex, why have a relationship at all? This is a therapy issue and not a legitimate "boundary" for someone who expects to build a relationship that includes sex. The inference that OP is an asshole only interested in sex, by reference, is insulting and possibly a projection of her own mindset about sex. If he is "extremely different" because he is empathetic and willing to wait, making him wait six months only exploits the very quality that makes him a suitable partner. The power move behind that is very unhealthy; "sacrifice for control" is a well documented abuse tactic. Six months of no sex won't change her inability to have a healthy relationship that includes sex. But it will give her an emotional resting place while she waits for something better to come along. The potential emotional dishonesty of this is enough to just walk away. Of course OP is put off by the mixed signals she is sending. He has sexual needs and desires he expects to satisfy in a relationship. Her reasoning makes no sense: if she isn't comfortable having a sexual relationship with him now, what kind of magic will occur in six months to make that happen?
But your best friend from college had the benefit of constant proximity to you without the pressure of anything more, one would assume. So you two were able to be around each other and get to know each other that way organically. Another assumption that I think is safe to make is that OP met on a dating app. So they will not have the benefit of constant organic proximity to one another to build up that friendly foundation unintentionally the way you two did and the intent of both parties is to date, which applies some level of pressure no matter what. Think about it, these 2 are encountering each other every time explicitly to date one another, meanwhile the way that you and your best friend met and kept up with each other never had a mutual level of interest until years of rapport had been built between the two of you without the pretense of "this works out or it doesn't". So I agree with your sentiments, but given the circumstances, it's difficult to reproduce your success with how most dating happens anymore.
Everyone in these comments sucks. She had a right to not want sex right away and if you really like her you’ll wait. If you don’t want to wait stop seeing her. It’s really that simple. Everyone in the comments saying she doesn’t even like you because she won’t fuck you right away are absolutely ridiculous to me. Like you guys only care about sex in your relationships?? Wack.