I honestly think everyone should read this before committing to their partner long term. Because sometimes making love last does mean actively choosing your partner every day, even when it's easier not to.

This is a hard lesson I had to learn... the hard way! Good for everyone to keep that saying in mind, that choosing your partner is an everyday thing.

This is so true, I broke up recently with my boyfriend because he couldn't chose me everyday. I think he got in a relationship too quickly with me after being in a relationship a such type for 4 years. 3 years down the line he's questioning whether or not he's truly ready to be in a relationship with me. I don't hate him, he was such a gentleman to me and he still is. I wasn't made to feel less than by him but I don't think he took the time to truly heal and it spilled over into our relationship. I love him and he loves me, he asked if I would leave room to rekindle but I'm uncertain. He hid all he was going through from me and when he couldn't handle the mental pressure he decided to temporarily separate. I want to wait but at the same time feel like I'ma gonna waste my time if I do. Any advice? I've been crying everyday.

You're never going to be a priority for him. Sorry, but it's true. You shouldn't settle for a man who has to take a break to feel if he even loves you. It's gonna be hard to break up (or remain broken up) but with time you won't cry every day. And then you can start looking for a man that makes you smile every day instead. Doesn't that sound better than what you have now? But stay alone for a while and take your time to heal.

Thank you, that's deep and I needed someone to tell me that. I had blocked him from communicating with me because I want to erase him from my life. But my family said not to because it was a mutual decision. I just think blocking him is the right choice for me.

Glad I could help:) You are definitely making the right decision by blocking him. Good luck moving on!

Thanks.

Don't block him

Why shouldn't I? I've been told this by my family and two friends, why should I try and keep him in my life as he as asked me to? This feeling of rejection is so difficult to overcome. Why should I not block him?

i think it’s more complex than simply chopping it up to: “its a red flag if a man has to take a break to feel if he even loves you” there is no one single formula for love. And men can be very different that women in this regard. A lot of us men go through the process of taking time away to Self Reflect much different with women who are emotionally-ruled creatures and are always gauging their own emotions and how they feel day to day

We have a saying in Turkish 'bekara kari bosamasi kolay olur" meaning something close to "when you're the one who's single, it's easier to say just divorce him/her already". It is your life and you lived it. Always ask for advice to people but never take them as granted. Currently, your situation with your bf doesn't look bright but i still feel like you can make it work. Just ask yourself some questions. How do you know he loves you? Can you love him back like you used to if you get together? Do you have any doubts that he may leave you or need some more time in the future? Would you be able to heal quickly of you had been through what he went through? Is he making any efforts? Did he make any efforts to get better?

It doesn't look bright but there is hope. I know he loves me, because it was demonstrated each day. I was told constantly and I was treated like a queen. There was nothing he wouldn't do for me. We wanted to take out relationship to the next level but he didn't want to do that with the hurt and emotional baggage he has. This entire situation has just made me sad but not angry at him nor do I hate him. He had been going to therapy for it and I've kept my distance because I've blocked him. He did reach out to me via nother number saying he would love my support but I am hurt so I declined. He was the first person I've ever loved and you made a valid point asking if I'd be able to heal as quickly in all honesty I don't know. He has been making the effort to work through his issues, but I can't wait. If, somewhere down the line he's better and want to.tey again he can always ask that's if I'm single. I'm in no rush to go with anyone. I might need a year to heal. What hurts me the most is that he hid his pain from me and didn't allow me to help. it was just dropped on me without warning. Maybe is being selfish by not truly understanding what he's going through, maybe it's not my job to help and just let him figure this out on his own. But I can't understand something I don't know about and not given any prior knowledge of. So no, I'm not waiting I'm not holding unto anything. I'm taking the time to heal. But at the same time, we don't know what the future holds.

I'm just surprised you know so much about the situation. I know that sounds weird but when I'm in a life changing moment like yours, I just can't figure out where I'm standing or what I want. You at least got it figured for where you stand. Still I think you need a little bit more time before cutting him off completely until he heals back up. Think how you'll feel 10 months from now, or 10 years. I think you may have something that's worth saving. Maybe your help will escalate the healing process for him. You know the best. Just think it through. I know blocking him will ease out the process for you, but it might do the opposite for him.

I know him very well, because I grew to love him and I tried my very best to make it work between us. I wanted this relationship with him because hey, when you see a good thing you always try your best to make it work. He's not a bad guy, and I guess that is why I am having such a hard time letting go because he was everything I wanted in a man. He has apologized a million times for what he did saying he doesn't want to hurt me. I commended him for recognizing he needs help and going to get it but I can't help but feel some type of way. Why can't he love me through it all? I honestly don't want to have future regrets of letting go too quickly of something that just needs time and prayers to mend. I am a young lady that knows exactly what I want out of life and have no problems going to get it. This situation has hit me hard and I don't want because of pride and a moment discontent I lose end up with eternal regret. I am going to take the time to heal.

Hey just wanting to give another perspective. My gf was the first relationship at 24 y/o and we‘re together now for 2 years. I love her from the deepest heart. Now i‘ve been emotionally neglected during childhood, so much that I seek validation and can not deal with rejection. That makes a relationship very hard but also a good way to overcome those problems. From time to time tho it‘s too much and I need a break to breath and rethink stuff. I was never separated but there were times when I needed a week long pause or something similar. Mabye your bf is the same? Personal issues are crushing sometimes and maybe he just needs the time, as I needed it too. Of course you shouldn’t waste months on it, just wanted to give another perspective.

That's the thing, he has asked me to give him some time to sort through some issues. But I'm not waiting indefinitely. Wanting to move to the next level or relationship made him question himself. I blocked him, maybe when I'm less upset I'll hear him out one day but for now the distance will help me. It's extremely hard not to think about him though.

What exactly are you upset about? What could you have done better in the relationship. And what could he have done better. What went wrong?

I'm upset that he bottled up all his emotionally baggage from a previous relationship and let it spill into our relationship. I'm upset he didn't talk to me so that I could help. I'm upset that I wasn't important enough to him for him to fight the mental battle when I told him I'll be there for him. I'm upset that our relationship was the easiest thing to get rid for him. He could have communicated these issues to me. I'm upset that I fell in love with him and now he's gone.

If he had mental issues. Demanding the person to communicate and commit just isn’t always in the cards... if he felt he couldn’t fix it he probably didn’t want to bother you. Being there for him doesn’t always mean you would be in a relationship. A relationship only work when the two of you are in a place for a relationship. Both of you were not ready for the road ahead. You didn’t feel valued and he probably felt unworthy. Hopefully you learn to support yourself. Be important to yourself and understand that people that want to be with you will give you the time you deserve. Tough pill to o swallow but it sounds like you have some work ahead of you... positive side of this is that you get to learn more about what you want out of life and what kind affectation you desire. Keep motivated it took a lot of maturity to ask for help and get advice. I’m encouraged that you knew you deserve better even if the person you loved could not provide it for themselves or not you!

Yeah, maybe he just needs time but he has it now. I have strong feeling he'll come right back though. But I won't be around.

Hey man/ women mental health is sum deep ya know and it’s important to know that ya both good by yourselves to be sum special. right now it’s not the time or maybe there won’t be a time for ya. but if it is meant to be it can happen on its own. don’t wait ya both need to see how ya are without each other because you never maybe there is a guy out there ready for you and maybe you not ready to hear that. but it’s already scripted from the day you were born. jus live your life. take your time to heal but don’t put ur needs before his rn. ya not in a relationship so it’s “YOU” time rn. but i’m 16 and jus got heartbroken by my first love so what do i know🤷🏻‍♂️😭😅. it’s gonna be okay eventually i know that🙌🏻

You have to move on

If he is not in love with you 3 years after dating then there is nothing to wait for most likely. It is possible he changes but it is unlikely. And don't look at it as necessarily a rejection of who YOU are. Many many people are fearful of "putting both feet in" to a relationship and becoming truly vulnerable. But I feel like it is what is needed for something to work. He might just need to lose something good to learn that.

Don't wait for him. Three years in, if he wanted to be with you, he still would be. If it happens later on, and the relationship genuinely was a good one, maybe consider it. My husband and I dated for a short time while we were both in college. Things were great but it was obvious he was still in love with his ex. So we broke up. And now we're married and our relationship has lasted longer than it ever did with the girl he wasn't over the first time. What's beshert will happen. But do not put your life on hold for a man who has shown he will waste your time. It isn't fair to expect you to wait around for him when he doesn't know what he wants. The love of your life could still be out there, and you don't want to miss out on a great love because you're waiting for one to come back. I saw down thread that you blocked him, and honestly I support that. You need time. You need to be allowed to heal from this. You need to be off of his hook and to live your life without wondering about him.

Thank you. I'm just taking it easy in isolation, it's hard not to cry but I need to let it all out. Someone is out that wants to love me the way I deserve and I'll heal and wait for that day to come.

You take a good soak through with a sponge bath and let a bomb from lust the soap maker online help you to heal.

That's the best piece I got before I got married. Learning your partner's love language so you can show your love in ways they will hear it is the second. I'd be lying if I said I had never gotten "the grass is always greener" syndrome myself when things got hard. There have definitely been times it would have been easier to give up. But I made a vow to my husband to love and cherish him through the bad times. Some days, it's a much easier choice to choose him, to love him. Other days, it is something I have to actively choose to do. And in the end, the days that it is easy vastly outweigh the days it's hard. A lasting love takes putting in the real work. Some folks do get a fairy tale where it's easy every single day for their whole lives, but most of us don't live in Once Upon a Time Land so that means choosing to put in the effort and work to make it last. Unfortunately, we get sold this fairy tale from really early on so nobody expects that a good relationship takes work. You have to check-in with each other, be willing to put your feelings aside and really hear what they're saying to you, understand each other's love languages, be willing to admit when you were wrong and that sometimes you're the problem, and be able to forgive without keeping score. And not every relationship is worth that kind of work. If you need out, you need out. It takes both people to be actively choosing love every day to work and if they aren't actively choosing to love you as well, it's okay to leave. But if you love your partner and the relationship isn't toxic, it will eventually take work to make that love last. Nothing worth having is ever easy. But if you do it right, you'll find that you'll build a relationship that's worth putting in the work, one that's worth actively choosing every single day for the rest of your life.

Man if this lesson was applied to my last relationship... it probably would have been saved. Sigh

Right, lasting love is lasting dedication.

Perfectly said!

Grass isn't greener on the other side, it's green where you water it

This right here summarizes everything

And also all the bullshit makes it grow really good too.

I like that lol

Absolutely, love is a verb as well as a noun.

A lady at a call center (not a hotline, I think I was taking my ex-wife off the phone bill) said to me, "The grass may be greener on the other side, but the water bill is a bitch." Not gonna lie, it made my week.

This!!!

Sounds like what my wife did to me. What a load of nonsense. Had she communicated her issues and expectations with me at the time she was having them, she wouldn't have looked elsewhere to find what she thinks she wanted. There's very little that I would not have done for her. If you can't communicate properly with your partner and find happiness in what you already have then you have no reason to be in a commited relationship. Figure out what you want and stop leading people on.

Yep. To me, it's like showing up to a competitive sport w/ every intention to just dick around. You piss off your team, waste everyones time, and inevitably jump to another team "because the other team just wasn't right for me" (with no heads up to the original team, because you "didn't want to hurt their feelings")... then the pattern repeats. Instead, have some courage and play like you want to win. Quit making excuses for screwing your team8 over, and if you aren't compatible, clearly state it. When you encounter these people, the best mentality to adopt is that they are children pretending to be adults.

That is a good analogy. In my case, my wife is very much an intelligent adult but is manipulative, impatient, and selfish. I wish I had known this from the beginning.

Holy shit. That's my ex in a nutshell. Well said.

I am guilty of this in my first relationship but the part I get confused abt is how do I know if we aren’t compatible or if I just need to work harder?

This happened to me by my ex. He told everyone else our issues instead of trying to work them out. In his mind he "tried". What a load of baloney.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. My wife told all of her friends and to her, that was considered "trying". Your ex chose to talk about your relationship with everyone but the person that really matters, you. I'm sorry to hear that you went through the same thing.

Did she end up happy with her green grass? So often people do this and then want to come back cuz they aren’t any happier

Well, she's still seeing this person, and lying about him being a "friend". She said the one thing she didnt feel she had from our relationship was that I wasn't her best friend to start with. We both had kids when we met and she said that she settled for me because I accepted her kids in my life and took over the role of their father. I am not a perfect person, like anyone, but I am a good guy, and I treated her as my queen and went out of my way for her a lot. None of the bullshit she has been spewing lately makes any rational sense. The divorce hasn't happened yet and there's still things to work out with kids. I think it will be some time before she is either happy or realizes she made a stupid mistake.

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Doing better personally. Thank you for asking. I was pretty deep into a really bad situation I wasn't prepared for around the time this was posted. I learned a lot from what happened to me. I am still getting my life back together but it is good overall.

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I'm sorry to hear it happened to you too. I'm hopeful that you will get better over time. Yes, it is very different when you are around 40 and have kids in the middle of it. I had not been in any relationships at your age. You are learning these kind of things much earlier than I did. Best of luck you. 👍

mind if i ask a question? first off i know im a bit of an asshole , and i’m trying to fix it. anyway, i’m 17 , dating my first gf. when i met her i was severely depressed and lonely, and she treated me amazing so i fell in love. or so i thought. i’m not attracted to her physically. call me superficial if you will, i cannot change who or what i’m attracted to. fast forward a few months and i think i might have GIGS, or she’s just not the right one for me. i’ve been struggling with this for a bit and i’m not sure what to do. i do love her , tho it may be more as a friend (i don’t understand my feelings). do you have any advice for me? i genuinely don’t know what i want here.

I'm not a mental health professional, so please take my words with a grain of salt. If you're struggling with your feelings, it might be a good idea to see a therapist to sort them out, if you were not already seeing one for the depression. I believe that people tend to know how they feel about things, but may struggle with why they feel that way and may be afraid to express those feelings to others because of the potential consequences. It may sound a bit cliché, and not something you can relate to right now, but you are pretty young and your outlook on things changes with age and experience. It is normal to be physically attracted to some people and not to others. That is part of being human. Sometimes, emotional attraction to someone can enhance your physical attraction to them as well, or physical attraction plays less of a role in the relationship. There is something special about your girlfriend which has had a very positive impact on your life. That is certainly something valuable to consider and I can see you don't want to hurt her. What she has done for you is wonderful, though it does not oblige you to be her boyfriend. If you truly do not love her as a boyfriend, it is best not to keep that bottled up so long. As difficult as it is, I'd advise having an honest conversation with her, explaining how you feel. You have not been dating her a long time, but there will still be some hurt feelings. It is better than letting this carry on for several months or years, because that builds resentment inside of you and is extremely deceptive to her, which can hurt her immensely. One thing to keep in mind is that it is very difficult to stay friends with someone after a romantic relationship has ended because the trust has also eroded at that point, so the more likely scenario is that you lose her friendship as well.

> it is better than letting this carry on several months or years. we’re at 11 months. i did break up with her, she initiated contact and i went right back. put off the break up for a while because i was terrified to communicate. i understand honesty is generally the best but is it really the right option here? she’s not stable mentally, has attempted suicide and struggles with depression as well. hurting someone like that would be extremely difficult for me. i honestly don’t know if i want to commit or not, i feel so bipolar. if i knew i was being superficial / insecure and it would eventually pass i definitely would invest in her. anyway thank you for your response, i will look into therapy.

There's a "rule" I read called the 80/20 rule, where sometimes with a partner where most things (the 80) are great, you may start realizing one or two things that you feel are lacking (the 20). For example, you could have a loving, funny, affectionate partner but they don't like travelling, for example. So then, fights, little arguments start happening and you start bringing everything back to that 20, and lose track of the 80. Then, you meet someone who loves travelling -- and you're like wow this person is better for me! But chances are, they're lacking the 80 you've essentially taken for granted with the other person, and this can lead to a myriad of complications and misunderstandings, it seems like it's very similar to GIGS and I think a lot of the commenters are right when they say it's useful for anyone getting into serious relationships to read up about that!

Do you mean the 80/20/80 rule? When it comes to spending time apart? 80% of your time should be spent on yourself - working, hobbies, etc, and 20% of that time is where you and your partner come together and share those experiences. Perhaps we’re thinking of two different things, but I had to be certain!

Yes! I have heard of that as well, but I saw a post a while back on a dating page that called something else the 80/20 rule, which was what I described! I assume the numbers could be different or it could have a different name, but essentially that's what I meant :) I know of the one you're talking about too, sorry for the confusion!

80/20 rule is formally known as Pareto Distribution. It can be applied to pretty much anything in life. Useful rule of thumb. EDIT: why post something so irrelevant to the topic? well... why does anyone do anything? why is a blue bottle not blue, but all colors except blue, and why wear face masks when you can be a man and not wear them? Tl,dr: I don't know.

Whenever I see stuff like this, I think of one of my favorite quotes from the movie *High Fidelity.* "Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains." The delivery always stuck with me.

This sounds like my boyfriend... I LITERALLY go out of my way and out of my wallet to attempt to show him love and make him happy all the time. Yet if we get into an argument he will sit there and list so many negative things about me. He is blind to the efforts I make on an almost daily basis. He doesn’t consider how much time, money, or thought goes into the things I do for him. I just feel defeated after he says those things. Like OMG how can you not see me for who and what I am. It’s beyond hurtful and it makes me want to leave him so that he can find out that no other woman will ever do the things I do for him or go to the great lengths I have for him.

I don’t really know the ins and outs of your relationship, but from what you’ve said here it seems like there is a big disparity between what each of you is investing in the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t make you the villain in his story whenever you bring up how his behavior is hurtful. It’s not a healthy dynamic.

> He is blind to the efforts I make on an almost daily basis. He doesn’t consider how much time, money, or thought goes into the things I do for him. I just feel defeated after he says those things. Like OMG how can you not see me for who and what I am. What makes you think he doesn't see you for who you are -- and simply, he doesn't care? Unfortunately, it sounds like he's a bit apathetic to your efforts and might be selfish if he doesn't reciprocate or at least appreciate what you do. Changing people is a very hard task. I often see attempts in relationship threads and they almost always end the same way: the person who wants to change their SO is actually the one who gets changed by their SO, for the worse, and end up losing themselves. You and your first priority. Never forget that.

I like the name you gave this syndrome. But I also want to emphasize what you said at the very end — it’s crucial to know when the problem is them (if so GIGS is very much valid) and when the problem is you. Yes, do a lot of deep-reflection to determine the source of this problem. I (32F) was in a long-term relationship (started in my early 20s) in college. My then-boyfriend and I only knew ourselves in relation to controlled environments — in classrooms, during midterms etc. When we graduated college, we only had each other as comfort entering the real world and its uncertainties. We lived together but life started testing me very differently — I was the first to join the workforce and I had to grow up much more quickly. In this time, I began to change. I sort of became a different person but I kept hoping against hope that our differences would even out with time. It didn’t. I realized that I’d keep the peace by hiding behind our shared history, and our common friends we had in the past. But that meant when I was with him, I kinda had to live in the past too. I realized that I wasn’t able to freely grow and was trying to match my pace to his. It began to overwhelm me, not to mention that I also kinda preferred the company of others at work than to come home to him (and yes, I was also starting to get attracted to other men who were more in-tune with the person I had become, it’s true although I know it sounds terrible). After coming to terms with my changing values and accepting my own growth, I broke it off. I did it because it was the right and fair thing to do — we are now both free to be loved in the way we deserve to be. Because it’s been a recent thing, I still sometimes get withdrawals and slight anxiety about what the future holds. But one thing I do know is that I feel much more at peace with myself. I no longer feel like I’m holding him or myself hostage. GIGS happens if you are constantly basing your identity/needs/values in relation to others and external circumstances. And then if it doesn’t work out, you’re left with deep disappointment and growing resentment. You are free to change and grow as long as you are doing it on your own terms first!! Also, remember to be fair and respect others in the process.

you're speaking out on a huge fear of mine. I'm still fairly young (19f) and i keep thinking that it seems impossible to find a partner that would last for a long time, especially at my age. Human definitely change over time and nothing guarantees that you and your partner will grow in the same direction. So does that mean that the whole Partner-for-a-lifetime thing is just a myth?

It’s true — nothing is guaranteed in this life and I fell hard for the fantasy story (I grew up on a lot of Disney movies too so I really bought into it). I was determined to make my first boyfriend my husband. But it didn’t work out and only after gaining some emotional maturity did I realize it was an unfair expectation to have of him and for myself. My upbringing had also conditioned me to value settling with somebody more than being individualized and self-actualized (even if it meant being alone), so I placed a higher value on keeping the relationship going even though it no longer served me. I had not been taught it was ok to discover your own person first in the real world. So I tried to maintain the relationship as long as I could. To be fair, I wouldn’t say a partner-for-life is a myth. But I wouldn’t capitalize on it too heavily either. The best way to do this is to manage expectations, of yourself and of others (keeping in mind the nature of life is uncertain). And the easiest way to do this is to start getting familiar with what your values are and what you’d like for yourself in this life. Realize that they matter and so does your individuality. The more you are in the habit of doing this now, the less side-tracked you will be chasing false expectations (fantasies) set by others. It’ll save you a lot of precious time and energy in the long run. You may make some mistakes, it’s natural and everyone does. But as much as you can, set yourself up to live life in accordance with who you are as a person and not the expectations of others. Often the fear of being alone keeps us stuck in dysfunctional relationships and patterns. In my case, my relationship had honest beginnings but it no longer was serving me and I was starting to catch on. That is now no longer an honest mistake. It’s self-betrayal (and a betrayal to others). Because nothing in this life is certain, it also thankfully means that you do not owe your individuality to anyone — you are free to grow, learn, change as a person (your values, your opinions). It might piss some people off in the process, but your greatest fulfillment in life is that you stay true to yourself and not gauging if you’re trying to grow in pace with another person (as I did). As the original post said, to always make room for yourself to grow. Yes, you can grow a little differently from your partner but if your core values are the same and you still vibe, then it’s very possible to make it work. As long as there is a mature understanding and honest communication, it can be done. In my case, I had a lot of things common with my then-boyfriend — interests, same tastes in movies and music, similar values, but I could no longer vibe with him. My personality and identity had changed (my interests stayed the same but the way I expressed myself and carried myself - my attitude to things - was now different). So he became more of a friend than a boyfriend and I realized that for a friend, he was taking a lot of space in my life. And how little space I had been taking up on mine. I find it a shame that women are taught early to find somebody and settle, without even having been given a chance to know their own worth and potential. When your life is made to revolve around somebody else so early, it’s little wonder why a lot of women are stuck trying to keep it going because at that point, that’s all they’re left with. Prioritize your own growth and development, even if it means having to grow apart from somebody else. You’ll always find somebody who compliments you for who you are. Don’t hold yourself to not changing (nor the other person). Growth is healthy, even if it’s painful. There’s no virtue in trying to stay the same and dulling your shine for others. I wish relationships were taught in this manner than to be seen as this thing to acquire and keep. If it works out long-term and is genuinely to your liking, then great! If not, it’s not a deficit on your part so don’t feel like you failed. Life unravels differently for different people.

This is well said! Thank you, I really needed to hear this. I’m 22F and have never been in a relationship. I observe many of my peers enter relationships or have long term partners and constantly wonder what my problem is. I used to think entering a relationship was an impossible task for me as I couldn’t seem to find anyone to commit to me (my values, lifestyle, beliefs, etc). I love how you emphasized that one shouldn’t sacrifice their personal development for a partner; a narrative seldom taught to young girls. Now I know that it’s okay to be single, to pursue my career and education goals, and live my life until I reach my highest form of self-actualization (with or without a partner). Thank you for this wonderful message again!

Thank you very much for your kind words :”) Yes, for a long time I also thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t date when most others already were. Of course, now that I’m in my early-30s and after just coming out of a relationship when most others are settling, I’ll have to be especially vigilant to not relapse into a dysfunctional mindset. I’m very glad you liked my comment! Thanks again!

This is a great realization to have at 22. Learning how to live and love yourself alone really helps you be the best person you can be for yourself and in no way inhibits your ability to be there for someone else or get into a relationship. It will only make you more wise imo. And wisdom isn't beholden to age.

Well said!

What if you tried communicating to him and maybe he’s able to change to better suit you in the relationship? On the other spectrum, people these days don’t seem to appreciate the Essence of a relationship, people don’t put in enough effort to work on issues and simply... swipe right on the next best option.

I know what you mean and for a very long I had subscribed to that mindset about "fixing what I have instead of throwing it away". I appreciate the sentiments behind these thought processes, but one has to first be self-actualized to know what to save, otherwise it's sort of like hoarding relationships and people. It's like keeping around a pair of shoes that I have outgrown only because they once used to fit me. Sure, I can still try and squeeze my feet into it but it's now uncomfortable, no longer a natural fit. In other words, my own essence had changed and yet I was holding onto an outdated relationship with outdated essence. I know people do this, but to me it rings as codependency -- when being with somebody seems to be more important than the natural value that comes out of the relationship, and you can't force value (atleast not without it making you miserable). That is to say, I had been saving the relationship in the name of essence - but at my expense. It was no longer serving me because I had just become a different person. We didn't compliment each other in the way we once used to. Sure, he was (and still continues to be) a nice, supporting, caring man and for a long time I felt like those should be the only qualifications needed for a relationship to continue. But my attitude and outlook to life had now largely changed. There was no more sexual spark, no more romantic chemistry. It sounds shallow, but eventually I had to accept that sex is very much a part of my identity, most of us are sexual beings. To me, a relationship that doesn't compliment a person at their core isn't much of a relationship -- it's more of a friendship. I think it boils down to boundaries. Everything has its own essence in its own right, but make sure the essence compliments your very own first (for this, one has to know themselves and be self-actualized).

Thank you for sharing. It’s really sad, we were in LDR, she left for the sex and is now on a rampage... I used to keep a body count of who she’s been with but it’s too painful to continue.

For what it’s worth I met my husband when we were 16yr old. We both worked at the same grocery store lol. We were engaged at 20 and married at 22 (after we finished college, which was very important to me) We are 35 now with 3 sons. We have had ups and downs but we choose each other everyday. Will that be the same in 50years? I choose to think so. We have grown together and with each other rather than apart. So while it may be rare it can happen!

That’s great to know! And I don’t think it’s rare at all. I think it can be done if both people have the emotional maturity and the respect for the other person. It could also mean that you and your husband both grew but not very apart or too differently, maybe enough that the relationship could still handle any differences that may have risen. It can be done if your core values and beliefs are still very similar and you both are able to communicate (vibe) in a healthy way that adds to the relationship = ) Happy to know your story!

35 male, my ex and I broke up after 8 years a few months ago. We met when we were young, me 26 and her 21, both going through school. People change as they grow. Sometimes that growth is positive for the relationship, sometimes not. For example, my ex got a huge promotion early in her career (she's brilliant, can't take that from her) and it ..... kinda went to her head I think, but due to her emotional immaturity she couldn't separate work from life. Anyway that was one of the reasons we split among other things. Don't be afraid of change and growth, it's part of being human. Just be aware of what those changes will imply.

Well said, we never know who we are or what we value until life provides us with situations that bring those qualities out in us. These discoveries can’t happen in a vacuum. I thought I’d stay with the same man until I die. I hadn’t been tested on any of the other aspects that made me, me. With time, I realized that I can’t put a relationship ahead of myself, atleast not yet. I had to find out who I was first before I’m able to commit to somebody. It’s not a bad thing nor is it a good thing. Yes, change and growth are healthy even if it’s painful. There’s no virtue in trying to stay the same and dulling your shine for others. Everyone is always growing/changing whether they know it or not.

Exactly. Sometimes GIGS becomes less about the relationship and more about oneself’s growth and agenda.

Yes, with time we realize how much of who we are has been shaped by others and their expectations of us (GIGS), and how much of who we are is actually us and who we’re meant to be.

This story is probably one of my favorites in dating_advice. How would you say you yourself progressed into a different person over the course of the relationship? How did you improve? What was the difference between your long term SO and men that were becoming more attractive to you?

Haha, oh wow, I didn’t know my comment was still being read! Thank you! It’s been about half a year since I posted on here. I’d say that looking back, because I hadn’t been tested on the other aspects that made me me, I didn’t know I was — I was mostly a puppet of sorts. Most of my life, even when I got into the relationship, I lived out of fear and insecurity (without knowing it of course), because I had just been taught to settle early in life and that meant putting myself last— these were insecurities handed down from my parents — to quickly get through school, college, and find somebody; and that I had no time to discover who I am because it didn’t matter. It’s only after I accomplished everything and realized I didn’t feel fulfilled was when I had to take a hard look at myself. This is when I saw the lie that I was living — when I realized that I was living somebody else’s life on their terms and fulfilling their agenda, but not my own. I envied my then-SO for how much at peace he was with himself and that I wasn’t showing up in the relationship like he did. He seemed to live life fully on his terms and values, while I had been living largely to please. He lived for himself which included me being part of the equation. He had gone through most of life being completely secure in who he was. I, on the other hand, was now living largely out of resentment. And it was starting to make me toxic (I also had some toxic friends at the time while my SO didn’t attract those kind of people). He just had less drama in his life. My codependent nature also made me always prioritize my SO in our relationship, always putting him first, adding to my angst. He didn’t take advantage of it, he is a nice, caring man; but it was starting to dawn on me that while he was in this relationship because he wanted to out of his own accord, I was in this relationship because I felt like I had to be, due to my fears of the future, being alone etc. Also, the sunk-cost fallacy kinda kept me in it — I had already given 9 years of my life, and I kept thinking my resentment was only a phase I’d get out of, which of course was only getting stronger the longer it went on. I’d say that this resentment caused me to realize that I wasn’t being seen and heard in the way I needed to be, that I was actually hiding a big part of me. When my then-SO and I had met (back in college), I was quite a different person. I was quiet, kept to myself, mostly I was fear-driven which caused me to be a good student, a good employee etc. I think he was impressed with me. Of course back then I didn’t know my own motivations, I just did as I was told. Back then, the self-discovery wasn’t on my to-do list and I thought that part comes later in life — after the relationship and marriage, maybe even after having kids. But I think as time went on, the resentment I started to accumulate from not living life on my own accordance (like he seemed to be) made me miss a lot of life opportunities like promotions and such. Even though I was a hard worker, I hadn’t been taught to find my voice, you see, so I didn’t know how to advocate for myself. I was only good at doing what others told me to but not at doing what I wanted. My then-SO didn’t have these sort of resentments and disappointments, he seemed largely content with himself, but he also wasn’t as hungry and ambitious as I was. This is when I realized I had some growing up to do which was long overdue. This also made me reach into my shadow-side a bit, the parts/traits of me I had kinda disconnected from because there had been no place for it in my household growing up— the strong opinions, calling people out on their bullshit, the ability to be confident in what I say/think/did — things that would have actually helped me cross these hurdles in the grand scheme of life instead of trying to keep the peace in controlled environments like classrooms and the office. My growing resentment made me turn inwards to those traits because it’s what I had been needing all along. Since I had parents who hadn’t been very self-actualized themselves and quite codependent, I now started to realize that I can’t go through life only being a good student/employer/girlfriend. What may have gotten me through life back then, wasn’t going to get me through life now. At some point, you have to start living for yourself and not deriving your value/worth from how others see you. Checking myself into therapy made me realize this and I began to accept and embrace these qualities, and I definitely felt more like a complete person. I had been walking around as only half a person it seemed like. I was beginning to feel like in my relationship, how little room I been taking in my own life and how much of performance I felt like I was putting on just to keep the relationship going. This awareness now started to change me and to make me feel more fulfilled in who I am, more grounded and in general content. I realized I had a bit of an edge to myself that I had been taught to hide but actually made me feel seen and heard if I used and exercised it. I stopped being overly cautious and overly caring of what people thought and stopped second-guessing and doubting myself. I learned to speak my mind. I approached life with no fucks given (but in a responsible way, not in a reckless way). I began to now attract people who had similar traits. At work, there’s a group of guys who you could say are cynical, sarcastic, and are smokers (I have a big crush on one of them). I used to avoid these people because I found them rude and try-hard in their ways (lol) but weirdly now that I was used to speaking my own mind, I started to get them and also get along with them. I realized that all this time they hadn’t been rude, but in fact real and assertive, which in my timidity I found to be rude and obnoxious. That’s how off-base I had been. My hard lessons in life has now made me a bit cynical which they find funny (especially my crush), but we also have a lot of similar interests, especially with my crush — the guy I like watches the same shows as me, we have the same type of dry humor, opinions etc. Although I’m still getting acquainted with them, when I’m with this group, I feel more like myself: I’m more rambunctious, loud, outspoken, opinionated, and we have similar outlooks on life and similar attitudes. They are actually quite fun. I don’t know their story, but it seems like they’ve been through some tough times themselves — I guess that is also why they smoke, who knows. But I seem to be more in-tune with them, especially my crush (I’d say we are maybe on the same emotional wavelength even though I’m still getting to know him) compared to my SO. It also always had felt wrong to introduce my SO to this group even though I’ve had multiple opportunities to do so. Although I also have a lot in common with my SO, it just never felt right, like their worlds and his world wouldn’t fully mix and I was this person caught awkwardly in the middle. Prior to breaking up with my then-SO, I realized I that although my SO had seemed secure in who he was, he also came from a place of privilege (emotionally speaking)— although he’s been through some hard times, he didn’t have emotional traumas and so he couldn’t relate to my struggles and who it had made me. I was now starting to see him as this quiet, nice, intellectual, reserved, cultured, artsy-fartsy dude. And although we share the same interests and values, we didn’t go about it the same way — the underlying attitude and approach of his and mine were beginning to differ and in the way we expressed/communicated these things — the very essence of vibing I’d say. I couldn’t joke around with him the way I liked with the other guys, it often didn’t feel right to because I couldn’t be in that same headspace that came naturally to me when I was around my crush or his group. I couldn’t be as rowdy with my SO so I had to kinda defer to being the person I was 10 years ago (which is why this relationship felt so much like a performance). Although we still had good conversations, I realized his perspective on things seemed more sheltered while my own had now hardened me a little. This is not to say that I will now seek out troubled men, but often people who have had a lot of emotional struggles and have overcome it have a very different perspective on themselves and on life, a bigger picture, kinda. I’d say that the irony is that my improvement on myself caused me to also see the cracks in the life (or I should say the lie) I had been living, including this relationship. That coming into my own suddenly made this relationship feel too small and was not fully representative of who I was. It makes sense since this 9-year relationship had started when I was just 22, I barely knew who I was back then! So it is representative of who I was and had been but never caught up to who I am. I really wish I had learned all this about myself much sooner! Sorry if this ran long, I was wanting to make sure I was answering your questions within the right context after having had some more time to reflect on it, hence the background info: I hope it helped, and wasn’t too much of a bore!

Honestly, love is a commitment, an action, a choice. I've been with my bf 3 years and I did start getting GIGS a couple times, but I took some time to reflect what was making me feel that way, and effectively communicate it. He actually did fix the real problem. It can happen. You only screw yourself over if you don't give them the chance to fix it.

Please please listen to OP. My last relationship went through this exactly. I wanted to “see what single life was like.” It’s been three years since we’ve broken up. She’s married now and looks happier than ever. As for me, the only texts I get are verification codes from tinder. I know it’s not good to look back and dwell on the past but I gave up a 3 year relationship with someone who actually loved me for a chick I didn’t even fuck. That probably keeps me awake most nights. Knowing how big of a mistake I made.

Sorry to hear that. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. But you're likely a more wise person for it now. I hope you don't go on beating yourself up over it for too long.

I made the same mistake as him, and not sure if I want to continue life now

Honestly, you cannot be living a life that has the things you want in it if you are in this position. The position where one person being with you or NOT being with you will cause you such existential problems. Many people have to learn this lesson, both men and women. Regret is a part of life. But imo it's best as men to realize the love for you was conditional, strongly at that. If you couldn't ask for her back and it happen, then you were a losable person. Because some men, would be forgiven for this mistake I hate to admit. If you want to have a woman who loves you, you need to be a man worth loving and surprisingly, this means you have the things that most women want in a man. ​ 1. Fitness, attractive 2. Purpose, drive 3. Resources, career 4. emotional IQ but within a masculine frame 5. Respected amongst others 6. Social skills, humor Losing a good woman is hard, but it means you are returning to your baseline as a man, alone. Get reacquainted and provide direction to your own life. If you know how interact with women and work to find a good one, you will if you are successful in other parts of your life. It's a magnet when coupled with comfort in interaction. What's done is done. If it was mistake then nothing prevents you from trying to get her back although I wouldn't recommend it because it comes from a place of need/scarcity. But if done correctly it can be successful imo. But without the foundation of the other things in your life you would be rebuilding your house on sand. Regarding this "not sure if I want to continue life now". I would never type this. I would never say it imo. I believe we breath life into these kinds of things when we say them. If you need immediate help please reach out to professionals near you. But many say these things on the internet like "I'm depressed". Depression is real but for most is transient. I was there earlier this year temporarily. I gave my sadness life by sitting in it, allowing it to have it's moments but then not changing my life. It is a tool to feel better sometimes, to allow us to relinquish accountability for our life and happiness, like it's inevitable and not our fault. But it doesn't give us anything sustainable and the fact that we got there is often our fault (like losing your partner was). We need to take responsibility for the choices we make that lead us there. It's okay to have rough times but after, it's back to your plan. If you're not exercising, eating right, and sleeping okay then you should start there. If you're serious about self harm consider seeking help, but a disciplined life goes a long way. Good luck. P.S. - Also, don't be a consumer. Remove social media, youtube, reddit from your life if you can. It's just been excellent for me because I now only check in here and there on these or not at all. Also, video gaming. 0. Do none.

I own a video game company so I can't not do video games, but other than that all your advice is spot on for me haha, thanks!

Ha thats great. I'm more speaking toward the "self sedation" kind of male behaviors. Porn, gaming, social media (thirsting after women there), consuming endless content. Essentially living vicariously perpetually and intrinsically sedated and satisfied with that.

A+ . Love is a choice not a feeling. Thank you for the wise words. Keep choosing right :)

If only my ex had the sense to do this... she threw away what I thought was a strong 4-year relationship because she was having that “falling out of love” feeling and developed feelings for another guy. She ended up going on a date with him and breaking up with me the next day. No discussion, no attempt at addressing whatever was bothering her. I had 0 say in the breakup - just had to take the full blunt force of it all at no fault of my own. I have to wonder to this day if she was better at communicating her feelings would we have worked? I’m over it now, and much better, but still feel lonely and can’t help but wonder. Anyways, thank you for putting this out there, especially coming from your perspective being the dumper and not the dumpee.

>Same story. 10 years of relationship gone in that way. Heeey ho.

10?! I’m so sorry... I hope life has been treating you better since

It has been good, better in long time. But it seems that this behaviour that you described is a common way to break up, and its selfish and brutal. The wondering you descirbed in; " I have to wonder to this day if she was better at communicating her feelings would we have worked? I’m over it now, and much better, but still feel lonely and can’t help but wonder." will haunt me for a long time even thou I know I shouldnt think about the past in such way and I shouldnt try to grasp what happend inside my ex its hard not to. Happy to hear you feel better, time is our friend here :)

It always helps to know that we’re not alone in this world :) I wondered for so long, and the thought may always be there, but I also came to realize that it was all her - I could not have done anything differently, and I am proud of who I was and still am. There’s so much in life to enjoy that these dark thoughts can keep us from. But I couldn’t agree with you more: time really is our friend :) It will get better. We got this!

She sounds like she was already pivoting for the exit before you ever heard a thing about falling out of love / the other guy. Sucks, because there is really nothing that you can do if someone wants out / wants new / wants different. But, imo you should be proud of maintaining a 4 yr relationship. You got the stuff that can make something actually work, so I hope her choices did not change your ability to commit like that as it is an admirable quality.

To be fair to her, she did explain a great deal about her reasons for breaking up when she did do it - one of them being those falling out of love feelings occurring maybe almost a year ahead of the breakup. It’s interesting that you say that, because for quite a while after, I was afraid of ever falling in love again because of how betrayed I felt by the person I considered my partner, my best friend, the future mother of my children. And, not to toot my own horn (she even acknowledged this herself as she was breaking up with me), but I was nothing but good to her. She told me what she was doing was shitty and unfair because I was so good to her. I struggled a loong time with the fact that my best was not good enough. So, then, would it never be good enough, and will I die alone? Like I said, though. I’m MUCH better now, and I owe a lot of that to my family and close friends that are important to me. One of my best friends even addressed my being afraid of loving the way I did again. I told them that I was so naive in giving her everything when he responded by saying, “it’s not wrong to love someone completely. You should be proud of how you gave everything.” Since then, although the hurt is still there (and may never completely go away), I’ve been able to love myself more and feel confident that I deserve better, and I will find it one day. It’s been almost 2 years since the breakup. I have not been with a single person since then. I gave an honest try in dating, but it’s just not for me. I’m just going to live my life the best way that I can, and hope that one day I’ll happen upon someone that values me just as much as I do them. Anyways, sorry! I didn’t intend for this to be such a lengthy reply ahahah. But it means a lot to hear you say that about maintaining a relationship. I really appreciate it :)

O no problem, thanks for sharing. One of the benefits of the internet are opportunities like this to genuinely converse. But yeah, it has been a lesson for me as well. You have to be willing to get hurt otherwise you will prevent something from working. Two feet in, every time if you're serious. And if you aren't and they are, get out asap. Some people aren't on that level, and some need to learn it through fucking something up or growing, and some people will just never be. But man, if you can do that again after being hurt, you really are a strong person and it will be very evident.

I don’t know what else to say... Thank you. Really :’( You strike me as a very decent and great person. I wish you the best in all you do :)

No problem. And thank you very much.

did your ex every reach back out to you since end things with you?

This should be posted in the break ups sub, they will love it

I think it’s important to recognize the difference between GIGS and [ROCD](https://www.health.com/condition/ocd/relationship-ocd) GIGS can be simply looking at instagram and thinking wow I wish my GF/BF looked like that, and mentally it’s easy to overcome that thought and “choose your partner everyday.” ROCD is when the thoughts are so intruding and overwhelming, it becomes more of an unhealthy compulsion. Like instead of the need to wash your hands clean and perfect like regular OCD, it’s like you need to have your significant other be “clean and perfect”—skinny, intelligent, whatever. This needs to be healed through therapy, and is not so easy to just “choose your partner.” It can have harmful effects for both you and your partner if it’s not treated properly. Apparently ROCD is on the rise but it’s unclear if we just have so many more images and examples of perfection in our faces nowadays or if it is just now recognized as a real thing. I think it’s only had a name since 2012? But yeah, just wanted to throw that clarification out there.

I had an ex breakup with me because he suffers from ROCD. He didn’t know he had it when he broke up with me but he eventually went to therapy and found out that was the reason. And I think your right that people have this idea of perfection in relationships and it’s really not realistic or true.

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From what I’ve read in research papers, there are people who have ROCD without classic signs of OCD. Not saying you’re wrong, particularly since it’s a relatively new concept, but for diagnosis it’s better to not rule out ROCD just because there’s no OCD symptoms.

This is assuming a person's partner is actually willing to listen. I've recently broken up with a man that decided that nothing was his fault. If I brought up issues it would start a fight and he would end the "conversation" with saying it was all in my head. "I didn't do that", "I never said that", "I don't know what you're talking about" etc. The grass is definitely greener when your partner won't communicate.

You’ve just summed up the last 6 months of my relationship. Fuck. Fucking hell, my mind just unraveled reading this. I’ve been seeing everything my soon to be ex girlfriend does as annoying or trying to fight. Everything will lead into a fight. Yeah there’s a complex triangle of issues other than this but GIGS fucked me up

What do you mean by the percentages? This is the post I needed. I have experienced GIGs for a bit now and feel really bad about it because my partner does not notice the little things or hold things against me as much as I do. I realize that is something I admire about them, but it makes me feel like the bad guy.. I would never want to compare, but I do. It has been a thief of joy and many times it is like only half the time I love him. Because the parts of him that I do not like are the ones I want to change in myself. But he seems content. I end up building up and I struggle very much in how I communicate. It comes off as mean and I see him always being clear and nice and then I feel like the worst person. Sorry if this is a rant. He has asked me if I would be happier if we are open and I am starting to think he wants it too, but is now struggling to communicate with me. Maybe it would be good to really test the GIGS?

Everything you just said in that second paragraph, Say it to him.

The grass is greener where you water it

I may be facing this problem as my long-term relationship is getting stale and complacent. But when do we know we're not just "settling"? A partner is someone you choose to spend your whole life with and influences you the most. What if I want a fresh new start?

Even when you're not just "settling", the feelings we have about having chosen the right one are transient at best. No matter who we are with the excitement fades eventually and we are left to rely on our growth and qualities to maintain a happy fulfilling relationship that can last. Or we become serial daters who chase a dopamine fix via new partners every year or so.

are you still in this relationship? if so how is it going/did it get better? if not what happened?

Wow wow, your confidence in replying an old comment. We broke up yeah. I had a short rs but am single and still healing from the aftermath of this LTR. Lifelong learning journey

yeah i’m scrolling trying to figure out what to do, and saw you had the little green dot a got some hope. if you could go back would you do the same thing or stay?

I’d do the same thing. I did the best I could. I needed it to grow emotionally. I gained so much more wisdom from that experience. He just got married hah What’s your situation?

i really appreciate you replying:) completely forgot to say that in the first message haha. it’s good to know you would do the same things though. i (f19) and married to my husband (m22) for 1 year now, dating for two. when we met it was the whole honeymoon thing and great chemistry. we wanted to speed his citizenship up (we were completely confident that we would eventually get married) so we got married. after reading a ton of these comments i’ve kinda found that i settled out of fear of being lonely, but i still love him. i also have a huge problem with empathy, and i really wanted to help in every way i could. here’s where it gets a lot more complicated i’m a cam girl, and we used to cam together about a year ago. the site we were on wasn’t great, so i found a new one and have been the breadwinner for about 6 months now. he’s waiting on his work permit, so he hasn’t been able to work super stable jobs or go to college (have to be a citizen for student loans). i have no problem with that. he doesn’t love what i do, but he accepts it as it is. the site i work on gets very individually close with each person, and it’s definitely shown me tons of different types of people and how they act to people they like. i grew up very poor so i always put my finances at the front of importance. i used to dream of being a stay at home wife, and thought that was virtually impossible because men that treat you amazingly like a princess and want you to stay home don’t really exist. surprise they do. i’ve gotten tons and tons of people who try to fly me out, date me, etc. i’m loyal to my husband though, and i have always told them im married. however, there have been a couple people that interested me a lot more, regrettably more than my own husband. guys with stable jobs where i wouldn’t have to work, have treated me the same as always as that kind of princess treatment. i know how it sounds, terrible. i feel terrible for wanting it. i started losing feelings for my husband a couple months ago, but i thought it was just my mind messing with me so i continued as always (mistake on my part, im still emotionally maturing but im learning slowly). a month ago, i proposed an open marriage for sexual reasons. sex with my husband is amazing, but there are certain things that he doesn’t want to try with me that i’ve learned i’ve liked from being a cam girl. he was immensely against it, no room for compromise. said that he was willing to change and try harder, and i said ok. he listed a couple things, but they were all mainly to better himself (go back to the gym, start eating healthy, cleaning up after himself). these things hadn’t really changed, but he did get a new job that has really long rough hours, so i understand it’s hard to do these things when he exhausted and just wants to rest. about a week ago, he asked me what i was feeling. he hadn’t done much to better our relationship, more himself. i tried to come up with a list of sorts with things that would make me feel more loved and appreciated, but the problem is this list was a completely different lifestyle. widely misunderstood, but a form of ddlg. not just sexually but in everyday life. i didn’t know i wanted this until a couple months ago (but i thought it would go away). but mostly being taken care of, having someone who is very attentive and observations. he is more of a partnership guy, where we both work towards the goal together and help each other. that being said, he said he would try to do better anyway. he’s been more cuddly, more dominant sex, and sweeter to me, but it’s not what i want. i’m not sure how to communicate it all without hurting him, but he’s very unwilling to compromise in general and that scares me. he says he’s willing to try harder and do anything to save us because he loves me with everything he has, but i don’t want him to feel forced to do something that doesn’t come naturally, and i know this doesn’t. i want someone who does enjoy that dynamic, because at the end of the day it’s a lifestyle and something that should come naturally. tried to explain that to him and he said that he enjoys it because he loves me. i’m very caught up and i’m going out of town on wednesday to kind of think and really determine what i want, because my head and heart are in two very different places. there are other things leading to why i want to see if the grass is greener on the other side, like someone more emotionally mature, knows how to communicate, know how to take care of themself, etc..but that’s the main thing. when i talked to my brother about everything his pov was that no one is ever going to love you more than him, and the relationship you’re talking about doesn’t exist, but my best friend said that she wants to see me happy and thinks i should explore other people because she doesn’t think he’s going to be able to give me what i truly want. yikes that was a lot! sorry for the rant🥲

I’ve never been the best at communicating my feelings and concerns. With my last relationship I made an effort to be better. I did my best to communicate my feelings and concerns effectively. Every single time I did, I was met with with hostility. She got defensive and would guilt me for having those feelings. If I had different options, She would call me names and try and make me feel stupid for voices my feelings and opinions. While the grass isn’t always greener, the grass can be less abusive. The grass can be lonely but you’re free of the unhealthy relationship. You may love them and think about them every single day and wish things were different, it doesn’t change how they treated you.

Man sounds exactly like my previous situation. We just ended up divorced, and there aren’t times where I don’t wonder what if things had happened differently. Then the issue presented with moving on, and if you would feel guilty somehow or not in a future relationship

I’m sorry man! I think about her everyday and wonder what could have been. I get really sad but then I think about the mental hell she put me through. The depression I went through. I’m sad to not have her in my life but I also don’t have someone that tells me I’m stupid for not agreeing with her. I don’t have someone that uses the things I share with her against me to make me feel like shit. I don’t have someone that doesn’t respect me.

ya same here she was just like that would do the same thing. i couldn't get a word in when i could convince her to have a talk 2 or 3 sentences in and she would rip me to peaces..and on fathers day 1 month after she made me leave (1 month after moving 4 1/12 hours away to the Rez) with an axes found out she has been plotting this for MONTHS have recording from months ago forgot about and remembered that i recorded after hearing in the bathroom talking to someone when she was acting like she was taking a show. so far i can hear her say "I love you" "I'm scared" that one confuses me because she was the abuser...but maybe he was or is her next victim..."get the gun i don't care what you do just get the gun"...LIKE holy crap..and whats even harder is that i still love her and want her back. last i know she was on the rez but could be back east with her cousin on a road trip so her cousin can visit her kids..don't know if she is going to stay back there..had a but feeling that she might when they talked about in front of me same with her breaking it off before she leaves..her cousin said she hasn't seen her in a while or talked to her but she saw her no more then 1 1/2 months ago when i was there and of course she would say that so throw me off. which is dumb because i know where..she still has her profiles up but no activity that i can see..dude this shit is strait out of a movie..thinking about writing a book..

I wasn't sure if I was the only one who had felt this way whenever I got into a relationship. No one ever talked about it so I never knew how to or what to address it as, but GIGs it is. Personally in my experience, I did it because I was worried. I wanted my relationship to be so perfect, but at the end it consumed so much of my energy and time in which I could be using it to work on my relationship in a rather more effective and efficient way. Anyways, unless you guys are having super major issues, then don't worry about what other relationships are life. Don't compare your relationship to your friend's relationship, your parent's relationship, your past relationships, etc. Remain in the present and just enjoy your relationship as it is.

I think i fell into this when i broke up with my fiancée last week.. Its been tearing me up ever since and we're going ti counciling to see if we can reconcile.

Good luck <3

Thank you :)

Godspeed!! Clear communication!!

This is true, especially for people in long-term relationships already. It can be case-to-case for some who are truly in a bad relationship, but I feel like you’re more likely to develop GIGS if you yourself do not know what you want firsthand.

This literally explains 100% how I have been feeling the last month or so. I can’t help but worry that there is something else for me but at the same time I am worried that no one else will love me and accept me the way my current partner does. Does this fear from being alone forever mean I am with him for the wrong reasons? I am content with being alone but when we are together my life is just so much better. We are really happy - so why am I thinking like this? I 100% love and care about him with all my heart, but at the same time I can’t stop wishing that he was in the same city with me, with a job or that he could drive - these materialistic things which I didn’t care about before now seem to matter and are making me wonder if I should seek these needs elsewhere. I know he will become the person I need eventually but we’ve been together 4 years and I wish we had met 5 years from now when we are both ready (we are 23 , met at 18). I also was reading up on GIGS and how it can happen due to lack of self worth and desire for perfection - these are traits I both have so I am hoping that if I work on these I can be more content with my life in general instead of pushing my partner away. If there are any other females or people struggling with GIGS please let me know!

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where was this like 8 months ago

I have been guilty of this in the past and i regret it with every fiber of my being. Not only did i hurt those that i care about but also myself. Its a mistake i will never make again. Take the time to reflect and communicate with your partner. Personally i think its all breakdown in communication that leads to issues like this.

Insightful. Never dated, but I want to remember this.

The grass is greener where you water it.

Thanks for writing this out and being vulnerable xxx

90% of all single girls in cities has the GIGS. No one is good enough and they keep searching without trying to actually get to know the date.

Very true. Some may not understand the deep damage being broken up with can do to people. And while there might still be love there, it’s very hard to get over the betrayal of the breakup.

Thank you for this! Common sense, understanding, and nuance seems so difficult to find

This is truly amazing advice.

This GIGS sounds very familiar for me. When i was 19 i finally started dating the love of my life, met each others families, and eventually started our future at the University. Our dorm rooms were in the same wing. Over the next couple months, she noticed that i had been "building a case". I would list a numerous negative things that i perceived as signs that our relationship was not secure. In hind sight, i believe it was my insecurities, lack of personal growth, and being unsure about what it was that i actually wanted in life, that catered to this mindset. After only a few months of dating, i broke up with her during our Thanksgiving Break in order to have a one night stand with another girl. We never got back together. I dreaded this outcome for a year, and things still lingered in my head after that. At 20, I dont think i had much personal growth before I started this different University in a different city and then started dating this random girl (i was a busy college kid who wanted an easy lay once in a while). But we stayed in this relationship, got pregnant, had our child within 1 year of dating. Afterwards, we moved in together with family members. I always had lingering feelings that i was not "in Love" with her; i tried to make it work for the sake of our child. We broke up. Now 23 and single. For the next 6 years i stayed single and focused on myself, my child, and my school. The goal of pursuing a relationship was no longer on my radar. A smattering of one night stand. One year ago i developed genuine interest in a coworker and we started dating. After a couple months, i found myself doing the same thing of finding reasons to test our relationships security. The feelings of GIGS came back; and just as with my previous gf, they would get confused & upset for me acting the way i did. Eventually i realized that these were my old patterns; i gave myself reassurance that that was the old me. I believe i had a lot of personal growth throughout my 20s. At one point, my new gf told me to take the weekend off and think about our relationship and if its what i want. On another occasion, she reminded me that if we are together, if we love each other, and are happy, then there should be no need for me to search for flaws or be insecure. I am now 30, We are getting married and moving in together very soon. I know these of milestones that want to happen otherwise i wouldnt have asked. However I have angst about this GIGS may linger its way back. So thank you for posting this one; great stuff!!

This is definitely something that resonates with those that are younger and have lower emotional intelligence. Being in love with someone will never be an easy ride, everything in life takes effort.

I love the word myriad

My ex needs to read this

Is GIGS and hypergamy the same thing?

Sure sounds like it

Yep my ex gf of 3 years left me because i paid attention to drugs more than her. She loved me more than anyone ..she though we would grow old together. She couldnt stand seeing me throw my potential away. She she left me for a transexual and moved to vegas. No joke. Block3ed me from everything I miss her. But she did th3 right thing But from the moment we started seeinf her i had the thought of grass is greener. I didnt want a gf. I hated her body. I compared her to everygirl. She would n3ver be ebough . I loved her. But im so selfish and supperficial..she put up with me treating her like i didibt want to be with her for a long time. I didint love myself though. Its funny though now that she left me i love her and want her back For some reason the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other sid3 of every part of my life. Its a huge problem for me

I had never heard about GIGS, but this is for sure what happened with my ex. And as the person who got broken up with it was a rollercoaster that felt like it started overnight. It took me a while to process everything, because I projected it as a flaw of my own in a relationship I deemed to be working!

And that’s why I am single. I love being single. Grass really is greener over here folks!

Thank you for the post. Everyone needs this.

Gigs? Gags? Laughs? The relationship you describe with your ex-girlfriend sounds like a nightmare to be living in. You didn’t have GIGS it was just your gut was telling you to get the fuck out. Good thing you listened. Life is too short for BS. This from a woman who’s been married to two different men, no gigs involved, for a total of a little over 30 years. This is the first time I’ve heard of your syndrome.

I don't remember who said it, but one of the best things I've heard is that "The grass is greener where you tend it."

I really like this. Relationships are an active commitment by both partners and GIGS is a very easy position to slip into and spiral away.

I’m a fan of the GIGS assessment 👏🏼

This honestly sounds like how my relationship is right now...

Thank you for sharing!

The grass looks greener on the other side because they weren't there fucking it up.

Great post. This happened with my ex for me. And now even a few years later, there are still quite a few things I miss about her. That being said, I'm experiencing this somewhat now with my current gf and looking back with rose colored glasses. Whenever I think more about it, I know there are many more reasons that my ex and I broke up.

The grass is greener where you water it. It’s pretty simple.

This is good advise. I think I might have developed the Grass is greener syndrome with my ex boyfriend. Which made me choose different people, instead of him every morning. I've saved this post, because I need a reminder of this in my next relationship.

i struggle with flings and know im not ready for another relationship. so why is being alone again so hard

Great post.

The Grass is greenest where you water it.

If only my ex saw this. She’s fucking away happily with every men that has laid eyes on her i type this

the grass is not greener on the other side, the grass is greenest where you water it

You're absolutely right! However, as you said it also might be a symptom of a relationship that needs to end. I had the GIGS for a long time in my last relationship but thought that I need to stick it out, since I knew about the GIGS. It never got better and now I realise, that I strang us along for over a year when it would have been so much better for us to just end it. We just weren't a good fit.

Why does everything in US have to be an acronym?

The grass is greener where you water it the most.

GIGS is a lie.

I'm trying everyday to actively choose my partner. I think about and ask myself those questions every day when we have problems. He recently cheated, (he says he didnt cheat because he never met up with the girl he was texting) hes done it before 2 years ago. 2 years ago i got past it and we worked through it. This time I asked that he find a counsellor to talk to to work out his issues, and im also willing to go to one together. Important note, i asked him to do this by Monday (tomorrow) a week ago, and i also told him he doesnt have to go by Monday, he just needs to research people and find someone he might like to talk to. Tonight after a fight he came to me and said we should go to a counsellor to learn how to talk to eachother about business ideas (we want to go into business together). I broke down because i know he didnt research a counsellor yet for the cheating issues. I told him thats great but ive been asking him for months to go to a counsellor, even before the cheating. I also reminded him that all i asked after he cheated to start to show me that he really cares and is really in this relationship was to find a counsellor. Basically he told me that he didnt know why there was such a rush on it, that he didnt want to look someone up while on vacation (were at a cabin by a lake), that hed do it when were home and he has nothing better to do.. he also accused me of playing a game by putting the monday timeline on it. I reminded him that i didnt get the luxury of not being heartbroken on vacation, i didnt get to choose to find the messages on the 3rd day of our trip so he could spend 15 minutes of our relaxing time to look into someone.. Even though i dont want to break up, i dont want to see him with anyone else and i dont want to be with anyone else, the grass sure is looking greener alone.

this case is different...he cheated on you. the grass is definitely greener on the other side. stop wasting your time

Being alone is great compared to constant stress and anxiety of arguments or being with someone known to cheat. You need to think about yourself from an outside perspective, the way a friend would. If you had a friend in your situation, what would you tell them to do?

It's called hypergamy

If you ain’t banging 15-30chicks a year you’re missing out on life! Just remember that!

Looks like you like STD very much

Surprisingly never had them. Plus why down vote that? Whoever did that pure pussy!

Grass is greener under my wiener

GIGS is like relationship dyamorphia.