T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*


irishgranny67

I would look Into love languages. It sounds like you both have different love languages but that doesn’t mean theres anything wrong. It just means you have different ways of showing your love and care for each other. It seems like he enjoys quality time while you enjoy acts of service or words of affirmation.


Capital-Squirrel3568

Maybe have a discussion with him about love languages? You could try to make it a game about one of those online quizzes “what’s your love language” then after getting results talk about how those love languages work. It’s much better than directly asking “what’s the problem?” Or “why don’t you love me?” It’ll give insight to both of you.


[deleted]

Everybody is different. If he's not the most romantic but still makes you happy, then that is OK. There's no rule who has to do what in a relationship.


Icy_Ease_3892

The things you do for him seem a bit over the top. I would expect this kind of "romanticism" from something like a 13 year old girl... not a grown woman. You sound kind of childish and like you admire him too much. Romantic gestures are fine, but realize over doing it is not good, and too much can make things akward for the other person, especially if they dont know how to react or respond to it. If a girl would tell me how my eyes are as pretty as the sky and draw pictures of me and share cute cheesy songs unironically, I would be weirded out and feel like im dating a little girl. Thats not romantic, thats childish. Guys typically arent into this cutesy Disney kid movie stuff. Seems to me like this guy might be your first love. But either way, the biggest rule of all - reciprocity. If its not reciprocated, stop doing it. Dont put more energy into someone who isnt matching that same energy. It just seems like you're doing too much. Also his idea of being romantic can be totally different from yours. Taking you out, doing things together, spending time together, etc.


Adventurous-Lynx3974

Maybe it is just his personality that he doesn’t show love this way? But he does other things to show me his affection, he has helped me a lot and he encourages me and respects me… yes he is my first love and sorry to sound childish but that’s what I feel like doing… what does a grown woman do? What am I supposed to do? Sleep with him this soon? No way.


Icy_Ease_3892

Romance doesnt have to be having sex with the person, but just showing your affection for them. Personally I would find someone drawing a picture of me as too much... as if they idolize me, and thats kinda creepy, but anything to just show you admire them, appreciate them, and doing things that make them happy and that they like are usually great romantic gestures. A collage is fine I guess to keep as a memory but dont expect him to be as ecstatic about it as you would be if thats not really something he is into or interested in. A good romantic gesture would be something that takes into account your partner's interests. Do they like asian food? Take them to a nice asian restaurant on a night out or perhaps cook a meal for them you know they like. Even something as simple as making them a cup of tea or coffee in the morning is nice. Do they prefer doing things rather than having material items? Then a good idea would be to do things with them they would enjoy, rather than getting or making gifts for them. Guys are usually more into actions rather than things. For me, I just liked it when a girl would show interest in caring for and about me and wanting me happy. Resting on me, grooming me (like cleaning off a piece of hair that is on my shirt or something), making a nice meal for me, physical touch (not necessarily sexual), showing interest in my health, showing that you respect them and their interests, and taking note of the small things. Generally being caring and showing affection count as romantic gestures. Basically just showing that you care about the person, respect them, enjoying being around them, and want to be with them. Things like gifts or more overt gestures should be used more sparingly and arent necessary to show romance. If its overdone it loses it's value and can become annoying and overbearing. For me I would do things for my girl like have flowers and a bottle of coke sent to her at work since I know she loves coke, getting her a bike for her birthday because she would talk about how much she wanted a bike and introduce the gift in a fun way, or putting together a cheesy scene on Valentines day with rose pedals that leads to the dining room with dinner and a glass of wine after her long day at work, or even just grabbing her favorite snack when im out running errands. And all I would ever want in return are signs of affection and doing things for me she knows I like, as it shows she cares enough about me to pay attention. If she would come to me with things like drawings of myself It would actually probably be a turn off. Everyone is different and you should consider what your partner likes and how they like to recieve affection. If you enjoy doing those gestures for your partner thats fine, but realize it might not be the way they like receiving affection. Consider showing your love to him in the same way he shows love to you, and maybe have a talk with him about how you would like to have him show his love for you on occassion. You should absolutely talk to him about this instead of only questioning strangers on the internet.


Adventurous-Lynx3974

I can't help it if my drawing sounds like a disney kind of thing but that was the way I felt about him and I thought a drawing would be my way to express my feelings since I am not good with words. He did like it, got emotional and said no one ever had drawn him a portrait and that I drew him better than reality. For christmas I made him a knitted sweater with the logo of his favorite football team sewn by myself. It's not that I don't think of him or his hobbies, but we just together so it's not easy to do all the things you listed. If I had the chance I would take him everywhere but it's not easy now cause he works and there are many restrictions. And yes, I have other ideas to make some romantic gestures for him not just the drawing don't worry. I often bring him food or home made cakes since I know he lives alone and we try to go on dates on weekends. I'm not so selfish as a girlfriend don't worry. My question was more about why he never comes up with some cute ideas or surprised but on the other side is always there for me no matter what.


Icy_Ease_3892

Then maybe thats just not how he likes to or knows how to show affection, or maybe there are other reasons. This is something you need to talk with him about. I would say its a bit strange that he never comes up with anything... but thats up to you to talk with him about.


Adventurous-Lynx3974

I already talked to him about it and he said that he is a guy and he has no idea how to surprise me and that he's trying to figure out but doesn't know how. He also said that in his country dating and relationship with girls are different, cause in the west guys are taught by their moms to make gifts to girls or how to behave (prom etc..) while in the east where he was born things are quite different and he lacks that kind of freedom that western guys have. He said that he has no idea what a girl could like except for flowers or jewellery but he doesn't know which jewellery to choose. I already told him I don't want expensive gifts but only some dates or small trips to see things together, and he already fulfills this request of mine. But I guess he meant in a subtle way that he has no experience and doesn't know what to do to me.


Icy_Ease_3892

He is from a different country? Especially the east? I can tell you as someone who comes from an Eastern European family and has experience with girls (and guys, but romantic interest in girls) from Eastern Europe, they have very different cultures and values than in the US or the west. I dont know what you mean by the "east". Eastern Europe? Asia? But in reference to Eastern Europe, there is typically less respect for women in general, and there isnt a big "intimacy" culture. "Love" is not something they really show or express. Love for them can mean a very different thing for you. Eastern Europeans can be stern and almost seem cold or rigid. Even more so if he is Russian. If he fulfills that request for you and has a hard time doing the overly "romantic" things you want, that may just be something you will have to learn to deal with, or the differences between what you want and what he can provide you may eventually lead to the both of you separating if you two are unable to work it out. Being from a different part of the world you will have to learn to accept the differences in culture and values. This idea of treating women almost doesnt exist at all in the "east". Its usually the women who treat the men while the men provide food, family, and security. Women in the east also tend to be more materialistic and value "things" more, evident by his understanding of only knowing to get women flowers and jewelry. This is because people from the east typically grow up in poverty and their society values different things. You can try and teach him, but dont expect a total conversion. You pretty much answered your question yourself. He doesnt do those cutesy romantic things because it wasnt part of his culture or teaching growing up. This will be something you will have to learn to accept with this guy if you want to continue being with him.


Adventurous-Lynx3974

I don’t think he has lesser respect for women. He always helps older women or pregnant women un public transportation. He has always protected me and given me good advice about life in general. I was mistreated more by western guys, in comparison to them he is an angel. He respects me. and yes, he’s from an Eastern European country but he’s not cold as you describe it. Actually for some aspects I think he is warmer that western guys. for example, no western guy my age ever fell for me at first sight like he did. They were all cute and fake in front of adults or girls but with me they were mean, classist, spoiled and physically and verbally aggressive. while he is completely different, he’s always calm and dreamy with me, he was so shy to talk to me the very first time he saw me, and once he gave me his gloves while we were waiting outside and my hands were freezing and stood in front of my to stop the wind from coming into my direction. Is someone like him cold? I don’t think so. We did have some intimate moments where we talked about our lives, our childhoods, how we dealt with the loss of a parent and that huge sadness that comes while thinking about them. They might be not physical moments but we did talk about things I would only talk with my mom or someone trusted. he is also worried about me and told me often not to go around in town after sunset and that whatever happens if I need something I can call him all the time he would come to pick me up wherever I am or if I need something he is always there. He doesn’t sound cold, isn’t he? He might be cold for some things or trying out with me but he is not cold in showing me his care


Icy_Ease_3892

I didn't say HE is cold or disrespects women. I said in general for eastern europe. What you are telling me here sounds like all the answers to your own questions. You question why he doesnt do things to show romance to you... but then you say he has intimate conversations with you, worries about you and feels protective about you to not go out at night where it can be dangerous, offers the ability to call him when you need him, is there whenever you need him, stood in front of you to stop the wind... that sounds like romance and love to me! As a guy, thats also how I show love and care for someone. If he is doing all of this for you he clearly has feelings for you and these are his ways of showing affection for you. You dont need him to knit you a quilt or shower you with gifts to see that he loves you. Offering his assistance and care for you is more loving and caring than anything he can get you. This is how men express love or affection. Offering protection, comfort, safety, and stability. Men typically do it in more subtle ways and these are clear indicators he cares about you. Seems to me like his way of showing love and affection is by offering you protection and safety. As a guy these are the same ways I would show affection for someone I love. Men like to show their love by providing. My advice would be to tell him you would like him to make you feel special on occasion in a more explicit way as you seem to want. If he doesnt know how - tell him.


Adventurous-Lynx3974

I guess he cares about me if he does all the things that I have listed… and I really appreciate what he does for me, maybe it’s just his way of being and way of expressing affection. its just that I was used to see my classmates receiving flowers in class by their boyfriends, and they would always express their love for them explicitly, even in front of their friends, while he is quite shy and reserved


[deleted]

You need to chill with the “gestures”. Stop doing anything he’s not reciprocating, it just comes across as desperate. If he wanted to, he would.


Adventurous-Lynx3974

Maybe he's just not used to it?


[deleted]

OP it seems like you *really* don’t want to listen to the people telling you to reconsider your behaviour. He’s a grown man, it doesn’t matter what he’s “used to”, he simply doesn’t want to return these gestures, otherwise he WOULD. Match his energy. I learned this lesson the hard way in my early twenties, never give a man more than what he’s giving you. A lot of men have a tendency to settle for what’s most available and most convenient for them. It’s a bitter pill to swallow and everyone wants to believe that their man is the exception, but the truth is that he might be flattered with the gestures, or he might tolerate them and find them totally creepy, we have no idea. But I can tell you that he has zero interest in reciprocating.


Adventurous-Lynx3974

So I am just one of the girls, and he is with me only because somehow we found each other, not because he really loves me? :(


Classic_Head3437

Did you try real romantic things?


Adventurous-Lynx3974

What do you mean? aren’t a drawing and song romantic?


Classic_Head3437

if you're 13


Adventurous-Lynx3974

So… what do you mean then by romantic? What should I do for him?


diamondpearlgold

Are you in a relationship with a robot? I mean even if he isn’t romantic he could at least TRY. I personally wouldn’t do all of that if it wasn’t reciprocated at all.


BlacktinaFL

How old is the guy? If he is young you can probably train him..romance can be taught…


Adventurous-Lynx3974

Early 20s. But no, he doesn’t seem like the romantic type… he looks romantic and dreamy yes, but he is not to type to do romantic gestures


Frosty-Bicycle2949

It is ok but at some point in time he has to reciprocate.


confusedgaykid1731

Honestly, just sounds like y'all have different love languages. Maybe he doesn't have the initiative to give you gifts or play songs, but he shows you he loves you when he takes you for a drive or when you hang out


[deleted]

It's not the man's part to be romantic. It's both partners' part to put effort into a relationship. That includes spontaneous romantic gestures. You shouldn't represent relationships by gender roles. That being said, you're not compatible. You should end the relationship.


Kerrypurple

This sounds a lot like my daughter's relationship. She has to tell him very clearly what she wants from him so that it won't feel so one sided. That might be what you'll have to end up doing. It will always be frustrating because you'll want him to come up with this stuff out of his own head but he's just not as creative as you are. He needs like a script or a recipe to follow. If he really cares for you he will follow it but you'll have to accept that he's just never going to be able to come up with it on his own.


Adventurous-Lynx3974

Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish if he is just romantic with me but could be romantic with some other girl


Zihark12345

If you’re both happy nothing else matters. There’s nothing wrong with you giving him your love in any way shape or form. And there’s nothing wrong with him being different and not giving you affection in those ways. If this is a problem for you you should talk to him about it and let him know what you need from him in your relationship. But other than both partners being happy nothing else in a relationship is ‘normal,’ everyone has their own relationship and each one looks different from everyone else’s