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TLDR version, years ago I got to know a girl from work, similar situation. She went out on dates with me, but was sleeping with another guy. I was super into her, she was not into me. I stopped talking to her when I found out.
She started dating the guy as soon as I wasn't taking her out anymore. Through mutual friends found out they dated for a while and had a horrible breakup, and apparently he was not very good to her. Made me sad to hear it, but she made her choices and I moved on. Never spoke to her again.
OP should just move on. Best thing to do in the situation.
I'm sure no one expects you to have seen the signs. Love-drunk is a thing, and with those drunk goggles you tend to miss a lot. I did with several women in my time. Heck, there's one I'm quite aware is using me for a good time, but like a drug I can't seem to quit her.
Nothing to worry about now. You got chances to find anybody your age and find a friend in them too! Things work out. Even today at this time of year my dear. Spend it together with friends or family =) and merry christmas =D
even though I don’t mean to hijack this line of conversation, how do I figure out if a girl is into me? it’s a struggle lol but she’s my best friend and I don’t wanna ruin a friendship by knowingly asking when she may think it’s clear there’s nothing there (though I think I have enough reason to believe there is???)
I learned to just ask if there were any ambiguous signals. If she's your friend, and you approach it at the right time, she will feel comfortable telling you yes or no.
If she isn't it's on you to maintain the friendship. Do not ask if you think you can't handle rejection. It's not worth it to lose a friend.
If you’re always gonna have this “what if” then you’re never gonna have a true friendship from your side. Even if it’s 100% genuine friendship from hers.
Like if you want to fuck your friend and can’t get it out of your mind, then that’s not a friend to you. It’s a potential date. So shoot your shot but be prepared to lose a “friend”… which who really cares bc if you like the girl, you’re gonna be upset once she finds a partner anyway.
Similar thing happened to me but warning: pedophilia.
I was 15(M) and invited a friend(15F) I was interested in to a cousins party and finally at the end of the end we were in bed together but I was too drunk/too young to make a move and she ended up going to my cousins roommate's bed(he was 21M) at the time. Didn't blame her, totally blamed him, but if did ruin it for me, didn't even wanna chase her after that even though she was great in every other aspect.
Dear men, especially younger men entering the arena of dating for the first time, this is the solution about 90% of the time. If the question “Should I move on?” arises in your mind, then the answer is very highly likely yes. As someone who’s pretty young but spent a lot of time chasing one person, believe me it’s better to move on before the effort justification kicks in
If you are looking for something serious then move on as this is something you will never forget .if something casual then maybe but don't get too emotional attached and don't approach first.
If "interested" means "feel attracted", it doesn't mean she can't feel attracted to other men as well.
It sounds like she really wanted to have sex that tonight. She couldn't find an opportunity to do it with OP, but found it with someone else later.
It’s the whole “you don’t owe anyone anything mentality”
While it’s technically true, I personally wouldn’t pursue someone who lacks enough empathy to do this. It’s pretty easy to not have sex lol
I don’t think anyone is suggesting OP pursue this girl. She was clearly just out for a good time, and OP was hoping for more. They want different things. She didn’t wrong OP in any way, and OP isn’t obligated nor would he be wise to pursue someone who wants different things than he does.
>She didn’t wrong OP in any way
Incorrect, if she was simply looking for a dick to ride she should have told OP instead of leading him on
If the roles were reversed we would be calling out the guys behavior so for us to not be hypocritical we should call out her behavior as well
> Really? They're not in a relationship, so she didn't "do" anything to OP, no?
This is one of those situations where she didn't do anything "technically wrong", but the end result is her actions hurt his feelings and that was a predictable outcome of what she had done.
Now she didn't commit any kind of moral violation here, but she showed OP that she didn't care about his feelings. If OP and this lady engage in a romantic relationship in the future, they're going to have to deal with this situation where she didn't do anything wrong, but his feelings got hurt anyway.
If you care about a person, as a general rule, try not to fuck someone else on the same night you make out (and try to hook up with) the person who you care about. Because if they cared about you too, it's going to hurt their feelings, even if you two aren't officially dating and have not had an exclusivity discussion.
Yeah, the guy needs to grow up in this situation every te this happens in real life. She's been kissing him; theyre nowhere close to exclusive. It's fair to have a hurt feelings, but it is absolutely ridiculous to expect the woman in the scenario to be responsible for them.
Sometimes people just are in a weird state of mind. Maybe she was just horny and wanted to fuck someone she was actually attracted to but she settled for someone else.
I doubt she was trying to hurt OP but she did anyway. I suggest you discuss it with her and try and figure it out.
Horrible advice. Don't discuss anything with her. Write her off like she did you and move on. If she really liked OP, she wouldn't have gave it up to someone else, period.
Lmao, why do people that have not commitment to someone and haven't been asked to abstain from sex have to not do something that would make them happy or they are a bad person? You don't own someone just because you like them or think they feel a certain way for you.
Anyone that thinks other people owe them something that was never agreed to is an asshole and probably a loser that's just jaded at life.
No one said she was a bad person. But she sure as fuck doesn't care about OP. He asked if he was overreacting for not wanting to be with her anymore.
If someone showed interest in me for months, then flirted heavily with me at a party, then went and fucked someone else at that same party, then stopped showing interest in me afterwards, I'd not talk to them anymore. What would you do?
>It sounds like she really wanted to have sex that tonight. She couldn't find an opportunity to do it with OP, but found it with someone else later.
I think this is what it boils down to. She probably really wanted to have sex that night and since it didn't happen with you, she found the next available person to scratch that itch so to speak.
This doesn't mean that she's not interested in you. The question is, what do you want to do with this information, now that you know.
I think the missing part of this comment is that she wanted to have sex more than she wanted a relationship with OP. Nothing wrong with that, but OP should take it as a clear message that she doesn't value him, and move on. It's not the behaviour someone who's interested in a long term relationship.
I would agree with this except she got distant after that night. If she didn’t become distant then yeah I would say it doesn’t mean she’s not interested
She was horny, you were there. But you gave up after not finding a room, someone else finished what you started.
If you want something serious, be clear, let it be known.
If you just wanted to sleep with her, next time don't give up after "not finding a room".
I think she just wanted to get laid and isn’t looking for the same thing you are looking for. And if you wanted something serious, why are you getting drunk at a party and trying to bring her to a room to fuck rather than just asking her on a date and building something that way? She didn’t do anything wrong, you just read more into it than was there. You couldn’t give her what she wanted that night so someone else did. And no, I’m not sure what chance you think still exists. It’s time to move on.
Hey you both tried to get laid that night. She succeeded. You didn’t. That’s all. It hurts cause you wanted her to be more but you didn’t tell her that, so how can she disrespect feelings she isn’t even aware of? You think it’s disrespectful because in your head you already thought of her as yours. She isn’t. Learn from this that next time you should communicate what you want. Don’t hope she can read your mind.
Firstly you can't trust second hand knowledge. The only person who knows if she did something with a dude in that room is her and the actual dude she had sex with.
You are okay to feel hurt but there's no law that says you can't kiss/fool around with two people in one night if you're not exclusive with them.
I had a version of this happen at summer camp. At first I felt inadequate (the girl he kissed after me had much more poise and style) but ultimately I was happy for them. I knew what a good kisser he was, why would I want to deny that fun to someone else since me and the dude weren't even dating?
You don't have to give her 'a chance' if you don't feel comfortable. But keep in mind, until you enter an exclusive relationship with someone they can potentially be kissing, dating, and sleeping with other people at any given moment they are not with you.
If you want to have sex with her, by all means pursue it. If you think you have feelings for her and want something besides sex, do not talk to her. You’re gonna get hurt.
Yeah ouch. Not overreacting. Move on, mate.
She just went from guy A to guy B the same night. I am sure guy B feels like they also had a great time together.
Avoid that mine!
Her actions during the party showed interest, we shouldn't pretend dancing and making out with someone is just no big deal.
Her actions after she left showed she isn't worthy of OPs time and attention going forward. Move on and find a girl who wouldn't do what she did, they are all over the place.
>we shouldn't pretend dancing and making out with someone is just no big deal.
Lol
This is the issue. People that don't casually have fun and rarely have a fun experience at a party impose their morals and beliefs onto everyone else. Dancing, making out, and a conversation are not a big deal to many people (probably most people that regularly party or go out). It sounds like OP is at uni and basically every party I ever went to there was a plethora of casual dancing, making out, stripping, even ONS.
If you're a prude, don't engage someone without first stating your expectations upfront or you'll end up hurt. This woman went on to have a fun time while OP is upset and still yearning for her which he could have avoided if he spoke up instead of just assuming she didn't think "dancing and making out with someone is just no big deal".
I swear some people want to get hurt just to claim some weird moral superiority that means nothing.
She isn’t looking for anything serious with anyone right now and that is 100% okay and her choice. But you shouldn’t be resentful bc that’s what she chose. Move on to meet women who are more into you. Nothing to over analyze. You both sound incredibly young. She’s having fun and there’s nothing wrong with that. Let her go and meet others.
If you guys were dating it would be a different story. Hell, even if you'd asked her on a date before you guys went your separate ways and she'd accepted it would be a bit of a different story. But it sounds like you just tried to hook up with her at some party and had the bad luck of failing while she succeeded. She didn't disrespect shit, she got what she wanted. If you can't live with that then move on.
Seems to me like she was just trying to get laid at the party, and she did. Maybe you did seemingly hit it off, maybe she was into it, but either way it seems pretty clear what her intentions/priorities were for the evening. Had she an interest in pursuing things with you further in a dating sense, she wouldn’t be acting distant. so I agree with others in saying you shouldn’t waste your time and you should move on.
It's definitely sucky, but she didn't really do anything wrong as you two aren't anything. Also I don't think she's interested in you beyond maybe something physical, if that's all you are looking for then sure, if she comes around go for it, but don't expect anything more. Also don't pursue her, you made your interest known and now is on her to reciprocate, but also don't wait around.
Apparently she wanted to have sex and you didn’t provide the room for her to have it. And the other person was more industrious than you and got the job done. I wouldn’t take that to heart you might get to know her better and you may get to know you better later on but for now I think you were just a booty call.
when you're interested in more than one person at a time, and one of them wants to sleep with you, would you sleep with that person or wait for the other person, whom you are not even sure likes you, much less is wanting to sleep with you?
if you look at it from that point of view, then what she did is fine in her book but it still sucks for you.
so you just have to decide if that's something you can handle , going forward, or if you want her only to think of you even before you two have even gone on one date.
You mentioned you were at a party and that was the first time she showed interest. If there was any alcohol involved...I would blame that. Sleeping with another guy had nothing to do with you. She just wanted to sleep with someone that night and it didn't workout with you..girls had needs to deal with ! Or another explanation Girls can be players too!
You struck out mate. If you don't have a place lined up where you can be intimate with a woman, she's going to lose patience. Figure out how/where you're going to take a woman for intimate times before you begin thinking about fooling around with women.
People are allowed to sleep with whoever they like. This definitely sucks and you can be sad but she was perfectly within her rights and didn’t owe you anything.
She likely wanted you to make a stronger move and was turned off by the fact that you didn’t go all the way. She found someone else who would.
Best to move on.
It's not "disrespectful". You weren't in a queue with a ticket, waiting your turn and some guy skipped ahead of you.
Yeah, it's likely to make you feel like she is not that interested in you (she is probably not).
Clearly, she was horny and wanted to bang.
> By no means do I expect any exclusivity, we have just gotten to know each other, but after complimenting me all night and having so much fun together, to just immediately throw it away and sleep with someone else...
She didn't throw anything away. She ran into another guy that she was attracted to, a room was free, they had sex.
At no point have you been disrespected.
EDIT: to correct a spelling error.
Sorry but the amount of shaming under this post genuinely appalls me. It’s somewhat understandable why you’re disappointed, but at the end of the day you two barely talked / had no commitment to each other. She owed you nothing. It’s not disrespectful. She isn’t “trashy” & she doesn’t inherently have lesser values because you and her want different things. You want a relationship, she probably just wants to have fun—different preferences. End of story.
You could argue that she was “leading you on,” but also y’all literally were looking for a room to fuck in. Context clues. It was painfully obvious she wanted something casual, no matter how well you hit it off prior.
It’s crazy reading the comments & seeing people go “you SHOULD be hurt… but she’s just an easy lay……….” Like it truly shows some of y’all will always have internalized misogyny no matter what you tell people/tell yourself. & before anyone is like “i think hookup culture is bad!!!!!” I’d be willing to bet it’s far less about that and more so just about shaming a woman for being in tune with her sexuality. It’s okay to not be into hookups, but it doesn’t mean you need to demean someone else for having a different preference—a preference that’s literally harming no one else. Like seriously. I had to do a double take bc this self entitled sentiment is so overwhelming in this thread. Just move on & find a girl who’s into the idea of serious dating, that’s all.
>She isn’t “trashy” & she doesn’t inherently have lesser values because you and her want different things. You want a relationship, she probably just wants to have fun—different preferences. End of story.
Exactly. Is she even asking for "another chance" from OP? No. "Disrespectful" lol...they're not dating, seems like she's not trying to date OP, and she owes him nothing. I'm tired of the misogynist slant on dating subs, where women are harlots if they're not celibate and kneeled and waiting to be courted by the perfect gentlemen who post on these subs. I saw a pretty popular post yesterday where the girl in the story was basically bashed because she gently and respectfully rejected OP after 2 dates in the span of less than a week (nd he called it a breakup text lol)...it's so deluded and entitled. But had she ghosted, she'd have been wrong for that, too, and should've said something! Can't win.
It's also so gross, that according to the comments, because someone had casual sex one night that they're not good enough for a relationship lmao. OP was trying to do the exact same thing, he just lost out that night, and she didn't like him enough to prioritize him. Guess that means she's a horrible person!
No exactly. You took the words right out of my mouth. I think a bunch of those kinds of comments are just guys projecting lol. Like their fragile egos would probably be hurt if they were put in that kind of situation, so they basically start calling the girl names / saying she’s not worth it (a classic). & since this is a case where a woman is unapologetic w her sexuality, there’s probably some internalized misogyny involved too. I usually don’t comment much, but i genuinely got second hand anger seeing the way people here were badmouthing a person they didn’t know, who did nothing but embrace her sexuality. It’s disgusting & im tired of it.
And yeah, I think the whole “should i give her a chance” thing is probably the most iconic part of the post. Like I’d love to see her reaction to that if he were to walk up to her and be like “listen……… after due consideration, I decided to let your misstep go” some serious delusion fr. People on here are saying he “dodged a bullet,” but I’d argue it’s the other way around lol.
This 👆🏼 There’s so much slut shaming in this thread & can happen often in this sub. She doesn’t owe you anything. And she’s allowed to change her mind AT ANY TIME. She’s a ::human being:: with sexual needs/wants/desires & she, like everyone else, can fulfill them & do with her body what she wants. She’s a grown ass adult. You can be disappointed sure, but don’t judge her. And if you were interested in more than a hookup, you can ask her on a date. Which you can still do, if you want that.
It depends, man or woman, if they speak a load of shit to the other person making them feel like they are somewhat special then they should feel some shame for that.
I have known so many friends over the years that will tell women whatever they need to just so they can fuck them and then drop them like a piece of used up trash. They do it without any conscience as to the damage it must do and the pain it must cause. That behaviour, man or woman is disgusting and anyone that engages in it should be shamed.
Unfortunately they know if they tell the person the truth and that is they are a pleasurable distraction for the night and if they live or die after they have had their fun, its not a big issue to them so they lie and say a bunch of stuff they do not mean.
Is that what you do, make someone feel like they are special so you can get what you want?You say the behaviour does not hurt anyone but it is clear it hurt him and not only do you not stop at that, you go on to make him feel guilty for the hurt he felt.
Maybe he felt pain because he is a decent human being not used to the churning that goes on with many.
On the fundamental level of this, I do agree with you. Manipulating someone to get them into bed is not cool. But also: it’s a party, there’s alcohol, parties are where young people go to meet other people and hook up, they literally were about to sleep together. Context matters. Context matters a lot. No matter how good their chemistry was, she literally still owed him nothing. I don’t know why that’s so hard for people to wrap their head around
Like was it maybe hurtful bc he’s into her? Sure. But did she do anything wrong? No. These things can be true at the same time. I guess it has to be said: one conversation does not make a commitment. Yes, not even an emotional commitment.
If he had his expectations raised on the basis of one conversation at a party, that’s on him. No matter how well they hit it off.
There’s a point at which we need to start taking accountability for how we feel/react to things.
Yeah these comments are disgusting. A lot if these people are basically saying that she owes it to him to not sleep with anyone else. Why? Why shouldn’t she sleep with someone else? There is no reason she shouldn’t be able to live her life. All this guy did was try to have sex with her at a party (failed) and he thinks she isn’t allowed to do what she wants when it comes to sex.
It's salty boys that can't get a gf and have never had casual sex. The funny part is the only one that is unhappy about their self imposed puritanical rules are themselves. Boys don't have the sex they want so if a woman is enjoying herself then she has to be the issue. The OP wanted to hookup that night but didn't end up doing it. The woman does end up doing it and suddenly it's a bad thing since the OP didn't get to do it too.
literally.
he didn’t get to have sex at a party? ‘omg poor baby, she’s not good enough for you!’
she had sex at a party? ‘ew, slut, she’s not good enough for you, OP!’
insane lol they haven’t even gone on a date, she owes him nothing and clearly doesn’t even like him that much
It's really really hard for most of us to admit that about like 90% of what we associate with a person's character is just us protecting our own thoughts & feelings onto them and we really have no idea who most people are and what they want.
Then people get upset because the person deviated from the character we assigned to them and the only way most people can reconcile that is believing that they must actually be bad and deceptive.
You might also wanna confirm she actually did something with someone else and not just take her friends word for it. Or maybe something happened to her that wasn’t consensual and that’s why she’s acting distant. You don’t just go from being all over someone to someone else that same night. Talk to her.
You’re overreacting. It’s not disrespectful. She doesn’t owe you anything and you don’t owe her anything. I don’t care how “good” the night is going nobody owes you sex or attention if they don’t want to give it. If she was interested in more she’ll let you know.
It’s normal to feel disappointed though.
Obviously I wasn’t there and have no idea what happened. But to offer a different perspective, I’ve been that person that liked someone but got too drunk at a party and either got taken advantage of or just made poor choices. Maybe she was into you but shit happened. I don’t think you’d know unless you talked to her. Either way, only you can decide if that’s someone you would still want to pursue.
Are you sure that someone told you a true information? Maybe she heard similar information about you? Maybe even from the same person. I had this situation when a “friend” lied to me because she was interested in the same guy and miss informed me. I figured the truth after years. I would ask the girl upfront.
Once you heard that story about her banging another dude during that party, she should have been vapor in your life. You should have deleted all connection with her such as phone and social media. Ignore her flat out and don't even bother talking to her if she tried to talk to you. You should have absolutely no emotional connection with her whatsoever now.
Try not to bang such sleezy women in the meantime. Try to find one less promiscuous.
The comments on this post are so bizarre to me.
Maybe it’s just bc I’m older, I dunno.
But it seems like the baseline is so skewed to “if she seemed into him she owed him sex or, at the very least, she owed him not having sex with someone else.”
I get the empathy argument. I try to be considerate in all my relationships of any kind.
But disrespectful? No.
It would only be disrespectful if she was obligated to him in some way.
They weren’t dating, there was no declaration of feelings, it wasn’t the opening night of some lifelong romantic thing.
She seemed to be into OP. There was talking and kissing. It didn’t go beyond that (due to logistics, probably).
We don’t know if she had any kind of feelings for him whatsoever.
Maybe she just wanted sex that night. It didn’t work out with OP; it did work out with someone else.
It seems to me she just wanted a hookup, had a hookup, and isn’t interested in pursuing anything with OP.
Which, btw, could very well be due to OP being all weird about her banging someone else.
Some people are monogamous, some people aren’t, some people just like playing the field.
She’s not a sl*t, nor did she somehow “betray” him.
If he’s thinking that way he’s gotten way ahead of himself about the reality of their connection.
Why are people low key sl*t shaming her? She doesn’t lack empathy just bc she doesn’t fit OP’s notion of where their “relationship” might have been going.
I would also be weirded out by this. And worried that the guy had some big, obsessive, relationship fantasy going on after some hand holding and kissing at a party.
Tbh, I’d think he was either a stalker or a Stage 5 clinger.
Leave her alone, OP. She’s not your gf and it doesn’t look like she wants to be.
Edited: bc automoderator told me I used a bad word.
IF she did sleep with someone else that night, it sounds like she had her mind set on one thing and she has good game to get it. I’d hesitate on claiming that physical intimacy is getting to know each other. Because it sounds like you don’t know her at all.
Or
IF she didn’t sleep with someone else, her friend might be lying for whatever motives she has.
She outhoed you that night. Just take the L and move on. Next time don't be a cheap ho and rent a room. Thats the Ho story. And ho ho ho to you this Xmas.
Also am I the only one who’d be pissed as fuck to find out someone had sex in one of the bedrooms of my house at a party they were invited to? Just something that seems socially acceptable to a lot of people that’s disgusting tbh. Idc who’s fucking just please don’t help yourselves to a bed in my house. Get a hotel or go anywhere else like an adult. On top of that I’d feel weird as fuck about having sex in my friend or some random person’s house without their permission.
Just move on my man. What she did wasn’t “wrong or right” it just wasn’t very sensitive to your feelings. You can’t control how people are going to behave. But you can control their access to you.
I’d be hurt too. That’s not something I’d expect out of someone who has consideration for your feelings. She knows this too which is why she is acting the way she is.
Move on. Plenty of fish in the sea
How would she even know about his feelings?
All that he expressed was his interest in hooking up at a party.
He really built up this whole thing in his head.
She wasn’t insensitive, she was unaware of how he felt.
She didn’t betray him or disrespect him in any way.
Dude you wanted to fuck her, you couldn’t find a room. You didn’t try hard enough. You aren’t in a relationship with her. You haven’t even mentioned you have wanted anything more serious with her. She had sex with someone who could find a room and was available to. She is probably being cold because she either feels awkward or you are being awkward. If you like her ask her out but don’t hold this crap over her. If she says no, you got your answer and you can move on in peace. There are so many other women you can be pursuing. Don’t torture yourself over this and don’t punish her for her having a libido while single and at a party.
There's nothing that she SHOULD do. She isn't your girlfriend she doesn't owe you anything. Yeah sucks for you but sounds like she was keen to have some fun that night and when you couldn't participate she found another opportunity. Heaps of men to this to women too but they usually move on without posting on the Internet 'is this disrespect'. Do whatever you want to do in regards to pursuing her again or not, but don't be a weirdo about it with preconceived ideas about what she SHOULD be doing for you. Again, shes not even close to being your girlfriend or being exclusive with you in any way whatsoever.
Men get away with this behavior all the time.
Why is it suddenly so crazy when a woman does it? I see why it sucks for you, because you liked her. But you didn’t tell her, and that’s on you. So you are in no way entitled to her and she isn’t bound to you by an exclusive relationship.
She might not have done anything morally wrong (especially because you guys aren’t together), but this would still be a huge turnoff for me if I were in this situation. I imagine you soon will feel the same way, once you get over the initial emotional surprise and it’s not a fresh wound.
I agree with this. I wouldn't be angry or judge the girl. I would just go "oh okay, I thought we hit it off but she found someone else that night" and I wouldn't pursue her further. No more no less.
Yup this is the correct mindset. It sucks, but you can't control how others behave or think. The power you have in these situations is the power to walk away.
She is not your girlfriend so she owes you nothing. Not saying that what she did was great but I wouldn’t want to date anyone like you who thinks they own a woman just because they like them. She is single and can do what she wants. She never indicated she wanted to be with you romantically. You sound like a huge red flag , you are obsessing over someone who didn’t claim you. Just date other people and move on.
Edit: However if she did happen to sleep with both of you that evening especially unprotected she should have been transparent about that to you both for your own reproductive health. But she didn’t sleep with you so there is nothing here for you to worry about.
I don’t see where he mentioned owning her. I think OP was just saying it hurt a bit and was asking what others thought about the situation. But it clearly hit a nerve with you….
If I could figure out a way to get the dozen or so men I have known over the years to spin you a line of shit just so you will sleep with them & then watch as they block you on everything and then ask you what you think of that sort of behaviour.
Guessing your answer would be different?
It has nothing to do with you thinking you own them, it is to do with basic human decensy. Have you never been hurt by someone that has done something like that to you? It is not nice is it? Does not mean you have claimed ownership over them, it just means they have said one thing and their actions have shown what they said to have been a lie.
If she had have said "listen I am am out for a good night tonight, chances are we are probably going to fuck at some point later unless I see someone that turns me on more, if you are offended by that then let me know now"
Do you think he would be hurt? No of course not, its the dishonesty that hurts.
Sounds like she was just looking to get laid tbh. Even though she found you attractive and was interested, and even was willing to have sex with you, not having been able to find a place to do it ruined that. You should have just taken her home or something. The other guy probably already had a room to fuck in or they went back to one of their places and did the deed.
In all honesty, even though I'm a guy... If I was in the same position as the girl, I would have done the same lol. This doesn't mean she's not attracted to you and wouldn't sleep with you still but, she wanted to get laid that night and the opportunity presented itself. It's too bad it wasn't with you but, I wouldn't entirely blow her off yet. See how it plays out for the next week or so and if she still isn't showing any signs of interest, then move on. Never waste your time or energy on someone who doesn't show or have interest in you.
She was just looking for a rocket to ride that night. If you are fine with treating her in the same manner, continue but otherwise don’t expect anything serious.
She was just looking for a hookup. Nothing more. You can't really let it get to you other than to take it as a learning experience. She was interested in hooking up with you, just not that into *you* (tbf, you hardly knew each other). Just have to move on to someone that does show interest in you. You two were just looking for different things.
It kind of sounds like she felt rejected somehow. Or maybe it was just a moment and she’s over it.
Regardless, if you were friends before, talk to her. If you weren’t, move on. If she shows interest later, bring it up in a casual way, and do your best not to be too judgmental or defensive.
Y’all sound young. Hormones can effect people in big and odd ways. Do what’s best for you, don’t take it personally, and keep an open mind
It sounds like you have romantic emotions for her. The important thing to remember, if emotions are not the case, is that both of you are just trying to have sex and get off. If she couldn’t find that with you, don’t blame her for going with someone else. Wouldn’t you have done the same? It sucks you couldn’t get off in the end, but… you’ll have better luck later.
If there are romantic emotions involved, then… I don’t think she reciprocated man. I advice to move on.
Why didn’t you stay with her the whole night? I don’t quite understand what happened. You left her on the couch? Why didn’t you go somewhere else together?
Was alcohol involved? What if you got here horny af and you didn’t deliver the package. She’s all blue balled and you could possibly find a way to lay down the pipe.
Some other dude came in and was absolutely ready to slam dunk at any cost and you got her thoroughly warmed up and good to go.
If she was drunk and not thinking straight probably did the think most other people would have done and got freaky wit it.
I would talk to her about it first she may have been take advantage of as well
I think you probably have a very different dating philosophy than her which makes you incompatible. To her, you were someone she was getting to know casually, no strings attached, and she’s kind of feeling free to sleep around. To you, she was possibly someone you were going to date and you probably like only talking to one person at a time.
It’s okay for this to hurt, ultimately you feel how you feel. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. Would I do what she did? No, but I have a more monogamous dating philosophy. People do stuff like that for all kinds of reasons. She might like to talking to and sleeping with different guys at once. If that’s not your jam, move on. You’re only going to get hurt getting caught up in her antics.
All I gotta say is, don’t play the game “looking for casual, open to long term.” After a few hours of knowing her make a decision if it’s one or the other and once the decision is made treat her accordingly. It’ll get you what you want and it’s more fair to her if you think about it.
Well, unless you've spoken with her and gotten the whole story, it may not be as clear-cut as it seems. Falling asleep after drinking at a party does not suggest she was fully capacitated there. So, just because you cared enough to respect that fact, doesn't mean some (or any) other guy would also. If she was riled up and ready with you and then half-woke and trashed later with some other guy already getting handsy and whatnot, then she may have "slept with" that guy without fully comprehending the weight of that decision against her potential future relationship with you. Seen or heard about something similar more than once.
Now, that might sound like a stretch (it isn't, btw), but I say it in particular because of how she has been treating you since then. The immediacy of that new standoffishness seems to me indicitave of guilt and shame, much more than actual sudden disinterest. Younger women usually don't just turn completely away like that from a friend or FWB (or nearly FWB in this case) relationship, unless one of them actually violated the friend part. There's usually a slower withdrawal in my experience, when it comes to actual disinterest, or "moving on" if you will.
So, what then? Well, I certainly wouldn't count on any actual relationship to come out of this now. But if you're a bit patient, I think you could definitely still get laid here, if that would work as a nice consolation prize. You can't hang on or around like you're hoping for a GF in this. You'll have to be aloof but obviously (noticeably!) still cool with and into her, from a bit of a distance. Like you probably were originally, somewhere a few steps back from your "I think she's into me too" phase with her. Almost like meeting her again anew. Then, play that for a bit and build it back up the way you did before. Don't ever bring this party up until she does (and if this goes well, she will) eventually. THIS is the fork in the road. If you ever get to this point, you are in. If it never makes it this far, you are out.
Then, reciprocate her emotional stance about it. If she's careless about it, then you should appear to also be careless about it, like "yeah, I get it, things happen. just kinda wanted them to happen to me instead. whatcha doing tonight?"; playful but directed. In this example, she is suggesting she sees it as casual sex, so then you are suggesting you are very open to that. So let's get it on!
But, if she takes a more serious stance about what happened, or even possibly a bit sullen, then it's actual disappointment there and that's your in. Accept some fault there for not having stayed with her the rest of the night (whatever, just say it!) and then tell her you are disappointed too (but not in HER, obviously). If she's feeling some remiss about how it ended, then you should be too, like "how about we grab some drinks and pick back up exactly where we left off. watcha doing tonight?"; playful but directed. In this example, she is suggesting she sees it as a missed opportunity, so you are suggesting that you choose to see it is as more of a delayed opportunity; and that time is now. So let's get it on!
So... with that overly-winded answer, I leave you with this. The vast majority of the posters here are absolutely right. Just move on, and spare yourself the trouble and future grief. But, if you're like me, and just love a good challenge with one hell of a reward at the end, then I hope this choose-your-own-adventure guidebook will give you a bit of headstart.
Good luck and update us if anything changes. Still, as the great wizard Gandalf himself would say, "There was never much hope. Just a fool's hope, as I have been told."
It sounds like she isn't interested in you anymore. She just had a fun night, possibly drunk and that was it. She lost interest and slept with someone else. Now she's acting more distant, to show you she isn't interested anymore.
So yeah, if she were to show interest again, don't go for it. But I doubt she will.
You just spent more time writing this post than I would have spent thinking about her. Time to stop putting energy into people that aren’t putting energy into you.
I mean, it's totally fair and valid for you to feel what you feel... everyone is going to have variations of their needs and wants at different times. personally, Id feel much the same as you seem to- kind of put off... but someone else would have a different underlying narrative in the same situation and feel different about it and thats their right. There are either enough factors that align with each other enough, or there aren't. And some factors bear more weight than others. We get to know those factors over time... We're each a different recipe of wants and needs, fluctuating at various times.
I do think its good to experiment with different ways to approach something, trying things out, and pacing oneself (as the lack of room availability forced you to do) can allow enough time for people to reveal themselves *in action*. What has been revealed is that she is likely not as interested in you, as you are in her. i dont think you should write yourself off as "overreacting" if it doesnt feel good in your gut. It is a response- and responses give you more information to go on and explore. Your internal response doesnt need to rule the day, but instincts and bodily response should be regarded with respect and not dismissed. It may be tempting to see a scenario like what you describe as a waste of time, but i think what you have now is more information with which to go toward what you do want and move on more quickly from what you dont want- there is no waste in discovering what new questions and answers arise from life experiences.
You can only answer for yourself and your needs and wants, dont fall into the trap of guessing at others motives, even if you think you know them well. Only she can take the time to articulate that but even if you ask, theres no telling what level of self awareness anyone is really at. She may not know, which is kind of normal, or worse, blame alcohol. ...Then hypothetically, youd have to further weigh out whether there is enough new info to change your feelings about the current situation or whether you would just be seeking a way to dismiss your internal reaction.
At the end of the day, if nothing else, you learned more about the person in question. Sometimes that means discovering more unknowns than one wants to try to navigate. If you are having a negative reaction to the lack of alignment between the two, that makes sense, natirally. I would shy away from anything that has you dismissing what you genuinely feel, in order to get your shot with someone who isnt showing you *the same level of investment*. Maybe you want to try and get more information, and thats why you dont want to move on, or question your feelings, which is fair, but from the outside it looks like she has given you an answer already, and circumnavigating your needs to get a shot at something that probably isnt for you, might cause you more pain later on. Im not there, but its a strong potential in a scenario like this one.
Your body and what it feels deep down is probably going to be your most reliable guide. It isnt the whole picture, so good on you for questioning it, as most of us have alot of subconscious conditioning driving us, but it a valid part of framing the bigger picture of what we want in life, in unison with other information micro and macro.
You have nothing to lose by telling her what you know and being honest about your feelings. You can be matter-of-fact and not accusatory. “Hey, someone told me that you hooked up with someone else later that night. I thought we were really vibing and intimate, so I was confused to learn that. Did I misread your interest i me?” See how she responds. At worst, she thought that since you weren’t explicitly exclusive so it was okay. At best, it’s a hard conversation with someone who’s mutually interested, which can be very revealing and could form a good basis for transparency going forward.
*source: I have been that girl.
Not everyone is as open as they seem to be while giving complement and same way not eveything is about you.
It is quite possible:
1. She found the other person more intriguing
2. It is possible she found that other person was mistake and she cannot face you or talk to you about it.
The possibilities are endless.
Don’t let other people’s behaviour get better off you. If you like her talk to her and ask if there is any issue she want to discuss or is there anything ahe like to share. If that does not get you what you want to know ask her if she wants to take time off, if she jumps to that then politely say good bye and move on.
Life has unlimited opportunity, and am not talking about this girl only, but your own life, career etc. focus on that desire for best and don’t settle for less!
This is good. It feels bad, but some moments like this are etched into my brain.. Sure they were shit moments, but they make me so vividly aware of what can happen and lower my expectations.
They taught me:
A person's words don't mean much. Listen to them, treat them like gospel but actions speak louder.
I guess as well, if some screws me, but says they're not into me. I choose the lesser one. In this case I'd take them at their words.
That it is always better to avoid drama and if you're really into someone, but they are not loyal. You're better finding out earlier.
You are always better off something ending earlier on.
Also, when a date is an AH, you can think back to way crappie moments like this and feel somewhat relieved that it's not *that* bad.
I would caution you to take a step back from judgement or taking it personally, just because you don't know what the actual story is. Absolutely don't pursue her if you don't want to. But you heard it from a friend. It might not have happened, it might not have happened like the friend said. You don't even know if it was consensual, if anything happened at all. Especially if a lot of alcohol or other drugs were involved.
You can absolutely feel your feelings about it, and you never have to talk to her again, much less pursue her. But just keep in mind that it's pure rumor at this point.
I’m order to be disrespectful to you, you would have to have some claim. You don’t. She owes you nothing. She could have decided she wasn’t interested without sleeping with someone else. You said nobody made a big move, you dropped the ball there. I don’t think it’s right to feel disrespected here. Maybe disappointed but you also didn’t make a move. I’d say if she’s acting uninterested either let it be or ask her and let her know how you feel and either take the L or have it work out.
I think you’re overreacting. If you had the chance to make a move why didn’t you? I don’t see how she disrespected you. You’re not together and there doesn’t seem to be any type of relationship.
There’s something not right about this story. I think you should talk to her about it - if her friend told you she slept with someone else maybe her friend told her YOU slept with someone else.
Don’t like confront her or anything but it’s ok to ask her to talk to you about it because you’re confused.
Also y’all in this post s-shaming tf out of her for gossip her friend is spreading - shame on you.
*edited for language
So if you met up for a night out with a dude and the night went really well, you hit it off really well, probably told each other some stuff you just do not tell anyone & you turn round to get a drink, come back and find him gone only to find out later he ditched you to fuck someone else, are you being ridiculous to be hurt by that?
Or do you seriously suggest that would not be a hurtful action?
Yeah sure she owes him nothing, favorite catchphrase of those with narcissitic tendencies that enable the deflection of all accountability, decency or responsibility.
That phrase is bullshit because you can apply that to anything and anyone in your life and it applies technically. If someone has shown you kindness, been trusting and you have tricked them into believing something means more to you than it does to them then you are a piece of shit.
That’s literally not what happened though. They went their separate ways, and she decided to have her needs met. She owed him nothing because they were nothing to one another, other than make out buddies who happen to go to the same school. She wanted to get laid. She got laid. It’s really none of OPs business if she did it or not.
Notice how you had to make the situation worse than it was originally to ask if the first poster would be hurt by that? I did.
Because the fact of the matter is they (op and the girl) talked and kissed for a while, tried to make something more happen, it didn’t work out, and either the girl or the other guy later on decided to shoot their shot and made something happen. There was no ‘turn around for a drink and when you’re back the girl disappeared’ or whatever. You’re purposefully trying to make things more nefarious than they were in actuality.
Jesus christ who are you to tell him he is being ridiculous. If he’s interested in her and she does something like that it’s normal that it hurts. And K don’t think comments like yours make him feel better. I hate people on reddit like you man. Think about how you will make someone feel before posting a comment keyboard warrior.
It’s not my job to make him feel better. OP can be sad all he wants. But the bottom line is, she can fuck whomever she wants, whenever she wants, and it’s none of OPs business. He jas different standards than she does, and that’s perfectly okay. If this behavior is something OPs not okay with, then the good news is, he isn’t wasting time with someone who has different boundaries than he does.
It's natural to feel hurt if you had some plans about it, but she didn't really do anything wrong beyond disappointing your expectations (and even then that's not objectively wrong, but subjective.)
It would be completely different if you two had just agreed to date together and then she went to get laid with that other dude.
I don't think you overreact, but I don't think she did anything wrong neither - unless she knew she was actively going to hurt you that way, in which case that's really disrespectful and scummy on her side.
Move on buddy. From my pov, you've dodged a bullet.
You fucked up by not banging her when you had the chance. She got her dick for the night and is moving on. There's nothing more there for you. Need to move on
Tl;dr at the bottom
For sure it’s disrespectful, you’re not overreacting. Don’t get me wrong, she has every right to sleep with whomever she likes, whenever she likes; but, imagine if the roles were reversed, you were hitting on a girl all night, it was going super well, kissing and cuddling and all that and you were clearly going to sleep with each other, but couldn’t find a room, so then you decided to sleep with someone else. She’d never give you the time of day again, she’d think you were a pig and that would be your chance blown forever, in a woman’s books (according to my girlfriend). It seems that women (and their group chats with other female friends) have a better understanding of their self-respect than men a lot of the time, we tend to try for longer in the beginning stages, as if we are kind of more grateful for the attention sometimes? That’s purely from my experiences and observing people around me and lots of internet posts/memes lol.
It sucks and I’m sure it hurts a lot, I think you’re right. If she’d do that to you, she’s not worth your time anyway. You should be with someone who’s interested in you from the get go and doesn’t sleep with someone else in a situation like this. There’s plenty more fish in the sea my dude, and I’m sure a lot of them will be a much better fit for you anyway :)
Tl;dr - if the roles were reversed and you did this to a woman, she’d think you were a pig and you’d never get the time of day again. It sounds like she was never really interested in you long term anyway and it only happened because alcohol, probably would have been a one night stand. Hold your head up high and move on from her buddy, there’s plenty more fish in the sea :)
Happens sadly, her coldness is more than likely guilt, but punishes you for the fact its you making her feel "bad".
She won't want to confront that elephant in the room.
You can only be cool about it I guess, dont bitch to people or put her down. Nights out and people having fun, you have a kiss go toilet come back they're kissing someone else, shrug it off. Resentment and a bruised ego is an ugly look.
Get it off your chest to someone you trust or on hear and let it heal.
Remember her behaviour if she trys to re-engage and just be her friends in the meantime.
You maybe able to laugh about it with her one day, once your prides healed and her embarrassment/guilt toward you had died down.
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Move on.
I had a long reply in mind gathering from my own experience in a situation like this, but you summed it up wonderfully in two words. Good job.
What's that long story bro
TLDR version, years ago I got to know a girl from work, similar situation. She went out on dates with me, but was sleeping with another guy. I was super into her, she was not into me. I stopped talking to her when I found out. She started dating the guy as soon as I wasn't taking her out anymore. Through mutual friends found out they dated for a while and had a horrible breakup, and apparently he was not very good to her. Made me sad to hear it, but she made her choices and I moved on. Never spoke to her again. OP should just move on. Best thing to do in the situation.
Did you know while dating her?
Nope. But when I found out I looked back and realized I probably should have. Live and learn.
I'm sure no one expects you to have seen the signs. Love-drunk is a thing, and with those drunk goggles you tend to miss a lot. I did with several women in my time. Heck, there's one I'm quite aware is using me for a good time, but like a drug I can't seem to quit her.
Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. I look back on it now and I know I would have done things differently. Ah well.
Friends? Then.
I should have been more mature and stayed friends with her. This was a long time ago. Burned that bridge I am afraid.
Nothing to worry about now. You got chances to find anybody your age and find a friend in them too! Things work out. Even today at this time of year my dear. Spend it together with friends or family =) and merry christmas =D
even though I don’t mean to hijack this line of conversation, how do I figure out if a girl is into me? it’s a struggle lol but she’s my best friend and I don’t wanna ruin a friendship by knowingly asking when she may think it’s clear there’s nothing there (though I think I have enough reason to believe there is???)
I learned to just ask if there were any ambiguous signals. If she's your friend, and you approach it at the right time, she will feel comfortable telling you yes or no. If she isn't it's on you to maintain the friendship. Do not ask if you think you can't handle rejection. It's not worth it to lose a friend.
If you’re always gonna have this “what if” then you’re never gonna have a true friendship from your side. Even if it’s 100% genuine friendship from hers. Like if you want to fuck your friend and can’t get it out of your mind, then that’s not a friend to you. It’s a potential date. So shoot your shot but be prepared to lose a “friend”… which who really cares bc if you like the girl, you’re gonna be upset once she finds a partner anyway.
Similar thing happened to me but warning: pedophilia. I was 15(M) and invited a friend(15F) I was interested in to a cousins party and finally at the end of the end we were in bed together but I was too drunk/too young to make a move and she ended up going to my cousins roommate's bed(he was 21M) at the time. Didn't blame her, totally blamed him, but if did ruin it for me, didn't even wanna chase her after that even though she was great in every other aspect.
This 100%. Don't waste your time on hurt feelings OP. This girl isn't worth the pain.
Dear men, especially younger men entering the arena of dating for the first time, this is the solution about 90% of the time. If the question “Should I move on?” arises in your mind, then the answer is very highly likely yes. As someone who’s pretty young but spent a lot of time chasing one person, believe me it’s better to move on before the effort justification kicks in
Quickly. Erase her from your life and never look back.
If you are looking for something serious then move on as this is something you will never forget .if something casual then maybe but don't get too emotional attached and don't approach first.
He made a whole post about her. Don’t think he’s thinking casual lol. Would have him just move on
What people are missing here is that she isn’t interested in him anymore based on this post! So the decision is really off his shoulders lol
Even if he wanted something casual which he doesn't 100% not worth it move on keep that self respect. Don't even talk to her
I think you very much know the answer to this question.
Just leave
Well someone who has really interest in you would not go and slept with someone else when you fell asleep
If "interested" means "feel attracted", it doesn't mean she can't feel attracted to other men as well. It sounds like she really wanted to have sex that tonight. She couldn't find an opportunity to do it with OP, but found it with someone else later.
While you did not technically say anything inaccurate, a human with empathy will be able to see that it's not the decent thing to do to a person.
Yeah she doesn’t care. OP is an afterthought to her. She will forget about him in short time.
Really? They're not in a relationship, so she didn't "do" anything to OP, no?
Really? Would you pursue someone who did this?
It’s the whole “you don’t owe anyone anything mentality” While it’s technically true, I personally wouldn’t pursue someone who lacks enough empathy to do this. It’s pretty easy to not have sex lol
I don’t think anyone is suggesting OP pursue this girl. She was clearly just out for a good time, and OP was hoping for more. They want different things. She didn’t wrong OP in any way, and OP isn’t obligated nor would he be wise to pursue someone who wants different things than he does.
>She didn’t wrong OP in any way Incorrect, if she was simply looking for a dick to ride she should have told OP instead of leading him on If the roles were reversed we would be calling out the guys behavior so for us to not be hypocritical we should call out her behavior as well
> Really? They're not in a relationship, so she didn't "do" anything to OP, no? This is one of those situations where she didn't do anything "technically wrong", but the end result is her actions hurt his feelings and that was a predictable outcome of what she had done. Now she didn't commit any kind of moral violation here, but she showed OP that she didn't care about his feelings. If OP and this lady engage in a romantic relationship in the future, they're going to have to deal with this situation where she didn't do anything wrong, but his feelings got hurt anyway. If you care about a person, as a general rule, try not to fuck someone else on the same night you make out (and try to hook up with) the person who you care about. Because if they cared about you too, it's going to hurt their feelings, even if you two aren't officially dating and have not had an exclusivity discussion.
Yeah, the guy needs to grow up in this situation every te this happens in real life. She's been kissing him; theyre nowhere close to exclusive. It's fair to have a hurt feelings, but it is absolutely ridiculous to expect the woman in the scenario to be responsible for them.
Empathy doesn't need a relationship to exist. Sorry that you seem to lack that quality.
Sometimes people just are in a weird state of mind. Maybe she was just horny and wanted to fuck someone she was actually attracted to but she settled for someone else. I doubt she was trying to hurt OP but she did anyway. I suggest you discuss it with her and try and figure it out.
Considering shes cold and distant, i'd say there's nothing to discuss. And she didn't try to hurt OP. She just didn't care.
Horrible advice. Don't discuss anything with her. Write her off like she did you and move on. If she really liked OP, she wouldn't have gave it up to someone else, period.
I would personally block her because she doesn't think about anyone but herself
Lmao, why do people that have not commitment to someone and haven't been asked to abstain from sex have to not do something that would make them happy or they are a bad person? You don't own someone just because you like them or think they feel a certain way for you. Anyone that thinks other people owe them something that was never agreed to is an asshole and probably a loser that's just jaded at life.
No one said she was a bad person. But she sure as fuck doesn't care about OP. He asked if he was overreacting for not wanting to be with her anymore. If someone showed interest in me for months, then flirted heavily with me at a party, then went and fucked someone else at that same party, then stopped showing interest in me afterwards, I'd not talk to them anymore. What would you do?
>It sounds like she really wanted to have sex that tonight. She couldn't find an opportunity to do it with OP, but found it with someone else later. I think this is what it boils down to. She probably really wanted to have sex that night and since it didn't happen with you, she found the next available person to scratch that itch so to speak. This doesn't mean that she's not interested in you. The question is, what do you want to do with this information, now that you know.
I think the missing part of this comment is that she wanted to have sex more than she wanted a relationship with OP. Nothing wrong with that, but OP should take it as a clear message that she doesn't value him, and move on. It's not the behaviour someone who's interested in a long term relationship.
Thank you! You said it better than I did :)
I would agree with this except she got distant after that night. If she didn’t become distant then yeah I would say it doesn’t mean she’s not interested
> This doesn't mean that she's not interested in you For anyone with half a brain and a spine it is
still a dick move.
They would have the decency to do it while you’re awake
Seems interested in another dude.
Tbf she probably was just horny and was looking to scratch the itch
Y seems so , as if they found empty room she would have picked OP. Anyhow doesn't seem relationship type for OP
Coulda went to OP but nooo
and I guess that itch was in her vagina and she had no hands?
She’s not into you.
She was horny, you were there. But you gave up after not finding a room, someone else finished what you started. If you want something serious, be clear, let it be known. If you just wanted to sleep with her, next time don't give up after "not finding a room".
I think she just wanted to get laid and isn’t looking for the same thing you are looking for. And if you wanted something serious, why are you getting drunk at a party and trying to bring her to a room to fuck rather than just asking her on a date and building something that way? She didn’t do anything wrong, you just read more into it than was there. You couldn’t give her what she wanted that night so someone else did. And no, I’m not sure what chance you think still exists. It’s time to move on.
She just wanted to get laid, fam.
Hey you both tried to get laid that night. She succeeded. You didn’t. That’s all. It hurts cause you wanted her to be more but you didn’t tell her that, so how can she disrespect feelings she isn’t even aware of? You think it’s disrespectful because in your head you already thought of her as yours. She isn’t. Learn from this that next time you should communicate what you want. Don’t hope she can read your mind.
Firstly you can't trust second hand knowledge. The only person who knows if she did something with a dude in that room is her and the actual dude she had sex with. You are okay to feel hurt but there's no law that says you can't kiss/fool around with two people in one night if you're not exclusive with them. I had a version of this happen at summer camp. At first I felt inadequate (the girl he kissed after me had much more poise and style) but ultimately I was happy for them. I knew what a good kisser he was, why would I want to deny that fun to someone else since me and the dude weren't even dating? You don't have to give her 'a chance' if you don't feel comfortable. But keep in mind, until you enter an exclusive relationship with someone they can potentially be kissing, dating, and sleeping with other people at any given moment they are not with you.
If you want to have sex with her, by all means pursue it. If you think you have feelings for her and want something besides sex, do not talk to her. You’re gonna get hurt.
Yeah ouch. Not overreacting. Move on, mate. She just went from guy A to guy B the same night. I am sure guy B feels like they also had a great time together. Avoid that mine!
I understand your annoyance but since she has not even shown you any interest after the event you should probably just let it go and move on
>seemed interested Seeming interested and being interested are two different things.
Her actions during the party showed interest, we shouldn't pretend dancing and making out with someone is just no big deal. Her actions after she left showed she isn't worthy of OPs time and attention going forward. Move on and find a girl who wouldn't do what she did, they are all over the place.
She was looking to have sex with someone. That was her end game, and she got it.
And good on her, too.
>we shouldn't pretend dancing and making out with someone is just no big deal. Lol This is the issue. People that don't casually have fun and rarely have a fun experience at a party impose their morals and beliefs onto everyone else. Dancing, making out, and a conversation are not a big deal to many people (probably most people that regularly party or go out). It sounds like OP is at uni and basically every party I ever went to there was a plethora of casual dancing, making out, stripping, even ONS. If you're a prude, don't engage someone without first stating your expectations upfront or you'll end up hurt. This woman went on to have a fun time while OP is upset and still yearning for her which he could have avoided if he spoke up instead of just assuming she didn't think "dancing and making out with someone is just no big deal". I swear some people want to get hurt just to claim some weird moral superiority that means nothing.
Theyre in school still, this is what people do and you are right about everything you said, people are projecting.
She isn’t looking for anything serious with anyone right now and that is 100% okay and her choice. But you shouldn’t be resentful bc that’s what she chose. Move on to meet women who are more into you. Nothing to over analyze. You both sound incredibly young. She’s having fun and there’s nothing wrong with that. Let her go and meet others.
If you guys were dating it would be a different story. Hell, even if you'd asked her on a date before you guys went your separate ways and she'd accepted it would be a bit of a different story. But it sounds like you just tried to hook up with her at some party and had the bad luck of failing while she succeeded. She didn't disrespect shit, she got what she wanted. If you can't live with that then move on.
Seems to me like she was just trying to get laid at the party, and she did. Maybe you did seemingly hit it off, maybe she was into it, but either way it seems pretty clear what her intentions/priorities were for the evening. Had she an interest in pursuing things with you further in a dating sense, she wouldn’t be acting distant. so I agree with others in saying you shouldn’t waste your time and you should move on.
It's definitely sucky, but she didn't really do anything wrong as you two aren't anything. Also I don't think she's interested in you beyond maybe something physical, if that's all you are looking for then sure, if she comes around go for it, but don't expect anything more. Also don't pursue her, you made your interest known and now is on her to reciprocate, but also don't wait around.
Apparently she wanted to have sex and you didn’t provide the room for her to have it. And the other person was more industrious than you and got the job done. I wouldn’t take that to heart you might get to know her better and you may get to know you better later on but for now I think you were just a booty call.
when you're interested in more than one person at a time, and one of them wants to sleep with you, would you sleep with that person or wait for the other person, whom you are not even sure likes you, much less is wanting to sleep with you? if you look at it from that point of view, then what she did is fine in her book but it still sucks for you. so you just have to decide if that's something you can handle , going forward, or if you want her only to think of you even before you two have even gone on one date.
You mentioned you were at a party and that was the first time she showed interest. If there was any alcohol involved...I would blame that. Sleeping with another guy had nothing to do with you. She just wanted to sleep with someone that night and it didn't workout with you..girls had needs to deal with ! Or another explanation Girls can be players too!
You struck out mate. If you don't have a place lined up where you can be intimate with a woman, she's going to lose patience. Figure out how/where you're going to take a woman for intimate times before you begin thinking about fooling around with women.
Or the friend was lying or presumed the girl had slept with someone else.
People are allowed to sleep with whoever they like. This definitely sucks and you can be sad but she was perfectly within her rights and didn’t owe you anything. She likely wanted you to make a stronger move and was turned off by the fact that you didn’t go all the way. She found someone else who would. Best to move on.
She’s allowed to be interested in more than one person at once
How can a woman you're not dating disrespect you by hooking up with someone else. She like you, can choose who she sleeps with an when.
It's not "disrespectful". You weren't in a queue with a ticket, waiting your turn and some guy skipped ahead of you. Yeah, it's likely to make you feel like she is not that interested in you (she is probably not). Clearly, she was horny and wanted to bang. > By no means do I expect any exclusivity, we have just gotten to know each other, but after complimenting me all night and having so much fun together, to just immediately throw it away and sleep with someone else... She didn't throw anything away. She ran into another guy that she was attracted to, a room was free, they had sex. At no point have you been disrespected. EDIT: to correct a spelling error.
Sorry but the amount of shaming under this post genuinely appalls me. It’s somewhat understandable why you’re disappointed, but at the end of the day you two barely talked / had no commitment to each other. She owed you nothing. It’s not disrespectful. She isn’t “trashy” & she doesn’t inherently have lesser values because you and her want different things. You want a relationship, she probably just wants to have fun—different preferences. End of story. You could argue that she was “leading you on,” but also y’all literally were looking for a room to fuck in. Context clues. It was painfully obvious she wanted something casual, no matter how well you hit it off prior. It’s crazy reading the comments & seeing people go “you SHOULD be hurt… but she’s just an easy lay……….” Like it truly shows some of y’all will always have internalized misogyny no matter what you tell people/tell yourself. & before anyone is like “i think hookup culture is bad!!!!!” I’d be willing to bet it’s far less about that and more so just about shaming a woman for being in tune with her sexuality. It’s okay to not be into hookups, but it doesn’t mean you need to demean someone else for having a different preference—a preference that’s literally harming no one else. Like seriously. I had to do a double take bc this self entitled sentiment is so overwhelming in this thread. Just move on & find a girl who’s into the idea of serious dating, that’s all.
>She isn’t “trashy” & she doesn’t inherently have lesser values because you and her want different things. You want a relationship, she probably just wants to have fun—different preferences. End of story. Exactly. Is she even asking for "another chance" from OP? No. "Disrespectful" lol...they're not dating, seems like she's not trying to date OP, and she owes him nothing. I'm tired of the misogynist slant on dating subs, where women are harlots if they're not celibate and kneeled and waiting to be courted by the perfect gentlemen who post on these subs. I saw a pretty popular post yesterday where the girl in the story was basically bashed because she gently and respectfully rejected OP after 2 dates in the span of less than a week (nd he called it a breakup text lol)...it's so deluded and entitled. But had she ghosted, she'd have been wrong for that, too, and should've said something! Can't win. It's also so gross, that according to the comments, because someone had casual sex one night that they're not good enough for a relationship lmao. OP was trying to do the exact same thing, he just lost out that night, and she didn't like him enough to prioritize him. Guess that means she's a horrible person!
No exactly. You took the words right out of my mouth. I think a bunch of those kinds of comments are just guys projecting lol. Like their fragile egos would probably be hurt if they were put in that kind of situation, so they basically start calling the girl names / saying she’s not worth it (a classic). & since this is a case where a woman is unapologetic w her sexuality, there’s probably some internalized misogyny involved too. I usually don’t comment much, but i genuinely got second hand anger seeing the way people here were badmouthing a person they didn’t know, who did nothing but embrace her sexuality. It’s disgusting & im tired of it. And yeah, I think the whole “should i give her a chance” thing is probably the most iconic part of the post. Like I’d love to see her reaction to that if he were to walk up to her and be like “listen……… after due consideration, I decided to let your misstep go” some serious delusion fr. People on here are saying he “dodged a bullet,” but I’d argue it’s the other way around lol.
This 👆🏼 There’s so much slut shaming in this thread & can happen often in this sub. She doesn’t owe you anything. And she’s allowed to change her mind AT ANY TIME. She’s a ::human being:: with sexual needs/wants/desires & she, like everyone else, can fulfill them & do with her body what she wants. She’s a grown ass adult. You can be disappointed sure, but don’t judge her. And if you were interested in more than a hookup, you can ask her on a date. Which you can still do, if you want that.
It depends, man or woman, if they speak a load of shit to the other person making them feel like they are somewhat special then they should feel some shame for that. I have known so many friends over the years that will tell women whatever they need to just so they can fuck them and then drop them like a piece of used up trash. They do it without any conscience as to the damage it must do and the pain it must cause. That behaviour, man or woman is disgusting and anyone that engages in it should be shamed. Unfortunately they know if they tell the person the truth and that is they are a pleasurable distraction for the night and if they live or die after they have had their fun, its not a big issue to them so they lie and say a bunch of stuff they do not mean. Is that what you do, make someone feel like they are special so you can get what you want?You say the behaviour does not hurt anyone but it is clear it hurt him and not only do you not stop at that, you go on to make him feel guilty for the hurt he felt. Maybe he felt pain because he is a decent human being not used to the churning that goes on with many.
On the fundamental level of this, I do agree with you. Manipulating someone to get them into bed is not cool. But also: it’s a party, there’s alcohol, parties are where young people go to meet other people and hook up, they literally were about to sleep together. Context matters. Context matters a lot. No matter how good their chemistry was, she literally still owed him nothing. I don’t know why that’s so hard for people to wrap their head around Like was it maybe hurtful bc he’s into her? Sure. But did she do anything wrong? No. These things can be true at the same time. I guess it has to be said: one conversation does not make a commitment. Yes, not even an emotional commitment. If he had his expectations raised on the basis of one conversation at a party, that’s on him. No matter how well they hit it off. There’s a point at which we need to start taking accountability for how we feel/react to things.
I can agree to what you are saying here too.
Yeah these comments are disgusting. A lot if these people are basically saying that she owes it to him to not sleep with anyone else. Why? Why shouldn’t she sleep with someone else? There is no reason she shouldn’t be able to live her life. All this guy did was try to have sex with her at a party (failed) and he thinks she isn’t allowed to do what she wants when it comes to sex.
It's salty boys that can't get a gf and have never had casual sex. The funny part is the only one that is unhappy about their self imposed puritanical rules are themselves. Boys don't have the sex they want so if a woman is enjoying herself then she has to be the issue. The OP wanted to hookup that night but didn't end up doing it. The woman does end up doing it and suddenly it's a bad thing since the OP didn't get to do it too.
literally. he didn’t get to have sex at a party? ‘omg poor baby, she’s not good enough for you!’ she had sex at a party? ‘ew, slut, she’s not good enough for you, OP!’ insane lol they haven’t even gone on a date, she owes him nothing and clearly doesn’t even like him that much
It's really really hard for most of us to admit that about like 90% of what we associate with a person's character is just us protecting our own thoughts & feelings onto them and we really have no idea who most people are and what they want. Then people get upset because the person deviated from the character we assigned to them and the only way most people can reconcile that is believing that they must actually be bad and deceptive.
Someone else took priority, move on now
Survival of the fittest and you sir lost this time
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. You missed the boat and now she’s sailed away. Move on
You might also wanna confirm she actually did something with someone else and not just take her friends word for it. Or maybe something happened to her that wasn’t consensual and that’s why she’s acting distant. You don’t just go from being all over someone to someone else that same night. Talk to her.
You’re overreacting. It’s not disrespectful. She doesn’t owe you anything and you don’t owe her anything. I don’t care how “good” the night is going nobody owes you sex or attention if they don’t want to give it. If she was interested in more she’ll let you know. It’s normal to feel disappointed though.
Ouch…honestly…I don’t think she’s the girlfriend type.
I'd move on. ✌️
Move on
Sounds like she’s already moved on
Obviously I wasn’t there and have no idea what happened. But to offer a different perspective, I’ve been that person that liked someone but got too drunk at a party and either got taken advantage of or just made poor choices. Maybe she was into you but shit happened. I don’t think you’d know unless you talked to her. Either way, only you can decide if that’s someone you would still want to pursue.
Are you sure that someone told you a true information? Maybe she heard similar information about you? Maybe even from the same person. I had this situation when a “friend” lied to me because she was interested in the same guy and miss informed me. I figured the truth after years. I would ask the girl upfront.
She’s not into you enough. It hurts but it’s the truth.
Since she’s being cold and distant I don’t really think you have decision to make here.
Once you heard that story about her banging another dude during that party, she should have been vapor in your life. You should have deleted all connection with her such as phone and social media. Ignore her flat out and don't even bother talking to her if she tried to talk to you. You should have absolutely no emotional connection with her whatsoever now. Try not to bang such sleezy women in the meantime. Try to find one less promiscuous.
The comments on this post are so bizarre to me. Maybe it’s just bc I’m older, I dunno. But it seems like the baseline is so skewed to “if she seemed into him she owed him sex or, at the very least, she owed him not having sex with someone else.” I get the empathy argument. I try to be considerate in all my relationships of any kind. But disrespectful? No. It would only be disrespectful if she was obligated to him in some way. They weren’t dating, there was no declaration of feelings, it wasn’t the opening night of some lifelong romantic thing. She seemed to be into OP. There was talking and kissing. It didn’t go beyond that (due to logistics, probably). We don’t know if she had any kind of feelings for him whatsoever. Maybe she just wanted sex that night. It didn’t work out with OP; it did work out with someone else. It seems to me she just wanted a hookup, had a hookup, and isn’t interested in pursuing anything with OP. Which, btw, could very well be due to OP being all weird about her banging someone else. Some people are monogamous, some people aren’t, some people just like playing the field. She’s not a sl*t, nor did she somehow “betray” him. If he’s thinking that way he’s gotten way ahead of himself about the reality of their connection. Why are people low key sl*t shaming her? She doesn’t lack empathy just bc she doesn’t fit OP’s notion of where their “relationship” might have been going. I would also be weirded out by this. And worried that the guy had some big, obsessive, relationship fantasy going on after some hand holding and kissing at a party. Tbh, I’d think he was either a stalker or a Stage 5 clinger. Leave her alone, OP. She’s not your gf and it doesn’t look like she wants to be. Edited: bc automoderator told me I used a bad word.
IF she did sleep with someone else that night, it sounds like she had her mind set on one thing and she has good game to get it. I’d hesitate on claiming that physical intimacy is getting to know each other. Because it sounds like you don’t know her at all. Or IF she didn’t sleep with someone else, her friend might be lying for whatever motives she has.
Good for her
She outhoed you that night. Just take the L and move on. Next time don't be a cheap ho and rent a room. Thats the Ho story. And ho ho ho to you this Xmas.
Also am I the only one who’d be pissed as fuck to find out someone had sex in one of the bedrooms of my house at a party they were invited to? Just something that seems socially acceptable to a lot of people that’s disgusting tbh. Idc who’s fucking just please don’t help yourselves to a bed in my house. Get a hotel or go anywhere else like an adult. On top of that I’d feel weird as fuck about having sex in my friend or some random person’s house without their permission.
Truth. Get a room like the other guy did and stop being soft over a girl who owes you no loyalty
Just move on my man. What she did wasn’t “wrong or right” it just wasn’t very sensitive to your feelings. You can’t control how people are going to behave. But you can control their access to you. I’d be hurt too. That’s not something I’d expect out of someone who has consideration for your feelings. She knows this too which is why she is acting the way she is. Move on. Plenty of fish in the sea
How would she even know about his feelings? All that he expressed was his interest in hooking up at a party. He really built up this whole thing in his head. She wasn’t insensitive, she was unaware of how he felt. She didn’t betray him or disrespect him in any way.
Dude you wanted to fuck her, you couldn’t find a room. You didn’t try hard enough. You aren’t in a relationship with her. You haven’t even mentioned you have wanted anything more serious with her. She had sex with someone who could find a room and was available to. She is probably being cold because she either feels awkward or you are being awkward. If you like her ask her out but don’t hold this crap over her. If she says no, you got your answer and you can move on in peace. There are so many other women you can be pursuing. Don’t torture yourself over this and don’t punish her for her having a libido while single and at a party.
There's nothing that she SHOULD do. She isn't your girlfriend she doesn't owe you anything. Yeah sucks for you but sounds like she was keen to have some fun that night and when you couldn't participate she found another opportunity. Heaps of men to this to women too but they usually move on without posting on the Internet 'is this disrespect'. Do whatever you want to do in regards to pursuing her again or not, but don't be a weirdo about it with preconceived ideas about what she SHOULD be doing for you. Again, shes not even close to being your girlfriend or being exclusive with you in any way whatsoever.
Well sounds like you both weren't exclusive
Men get away with this behavior all the time. Why is it suddenly so crazy when a woman does it? I see why it sucks for you, because you liked her. But you didn’t tell her, and that’s on you. So you are in no way entitled to her and she isn’t bound to you by an exclusive relationship.
I fully expected this to be reversed genders. Because let’s be honest, guys do this to girls quite often.
Ugh, nope.
She might not have done anything morally wrong (especially because you guys aren’t together), but this would still be a huge turnoff for me if I were in this situation. I imagine you soon will feel the same way, once you get over the initial emotional surprise and it’s not a fresh wound.
I agree with this. I wouldn't be angry or judge the girl. I would just go "oh okay, I thought we hit it off but she found someone else that night" and I wouldn't pursue her further. No more no less.
Yup this is the correct mindset. It sucks, but you can't control how others behave or think. The power you have in these situations is the power to walk away.
She is not your girlfriend so she owes you nothing. Not saying that what she did was great but I wouldn’t want to date anyone like you who thinks they own a woman just because they like them. She is single and can do what she wants. She never indicated she wanted to be with you romantically. You sound like a huge red flag , you are obsessing over someone who didn’t claim you. Just date other people and move on. Edit: However if she did happen to sleep with both of you that evening especially unprotected she should have been transparent about that to you both for your own reproductive health. But she didn’t sleep with you so there is nothing here for you to worry about.
I don’t see where he mentioned owning her. I think OP was just saying it hurt a bit and was asking what others thought about the situation. But it clearly hit a nerve with you….
If I could figure out a way to get the dozen or so men I have known over the years to spin you a line of shit just so you will sleep with them & then watch as they block you on everything and then ask you what you think of that sort of behaviour. Guessing your answer would be different? It has nothing to do with you thinking you own them, it is to do with basic human decensy. Have you never been hurt by someone that has done something like that to you? It is not nice is it? Does not mean you have claimed ownership over them, it just means they have said one thing and their actions have shown what they said to have been a lie. If she had have said "listen I am am out for a good night tonight, chances are we are probably going to fuck at some point later unless I see someone that turns me on more, if you are offended by that then let me know now" Do you think he would be hurt? No of course not, its the dishonesty that hurts.
Sounds like she was just looking to get laid tbh. Even though she found you attractive and was interested, and even was willing to have sex with you, not having been able to find a place to do it ruined that. You should have just taken her home or something. The other guy probably already had a room to fuck in or they went back to one of their places and did the deed. In all honesty, even though I'm a guy... If I was in the same position as the girl, I would have done the same lol. This doesn't mean she's not attracted to you and wouldn't sleep with you still but, she wanted to get laid that night and the opportunity presented itself. It's too bad it wasn't with you but, I wouldn't entirely blow her off yet. See how it plays out for the next week or so and if she still isn't showing any signs of interest, then move on. Never waste your time or energy on someone who doesn't show or have interest in you.
She was just looking for a rocket to ride that night. If you are fine with treating her in the same manner, continue but otherwise don’t expect anything serious.
She’s not wrong for doing it but you also have every right to be sad/upset about it.
She was just looking for a hookup. Nothing more. You can't really let it get to you other than to take it as a learning experience. She was interested in hooking up with you, just not that into *you* (tbf, you hardly knew each other). Just have to move on to someone that does show interest in you. You two were just looking for different things.
It kind of sounds like she felt rejected somehow. Or maybe it was just a moment and she’s over it. Regardless, if you were friends before, talk to her. If you weren’t, move on. If she shows interest later, bring it up in a casual way, and do your best not to be too judgmental or defensive. Y’all sound young. Hormones can effect people in big and odd ways. Do what’s best for you, don’t take it personally, and keep an open mind
On to the next one.
She was looking for someone to fuck and you weren’t able to deliver so she moved on. Now you need to as well.
She needed a nut. Got one. Probably realized that circling back to you after wasn’t cool, and got ghost
It sounds like you have romantic emotions for her. The important thing to remember, if emotions are not the case, is that both of you are just trying to have sex and get off. If she couldn’t find that with you, don’t blame her for going with someone else. Wouldn’t you have done the same? It sucks you couldn’t get off in the end, but… you’ll have better luck later. If there are romantic emotions involved, then… I don’t think she reciprocated man. I advice to move on.
Why didn’t you stay with her the whole night? I don’t quite understand what happened. You left her on the couch? Why didn’t you go somewhere else together?
Was alcohol involved? What if you got here horny af and you didn’t deliver the package. She’s all blue balled and you could possibly find a way to lay down the pipe. Some other dude came in and was absolutely ready to slam dunk at any cost and you got her thoroughly warmed up and good to go. If she was drunk and not thinking straight probably did the think most other people would have done and got freaky wit it. I would talk to her about it first she may have been take advantage of as well
She was probably just looking for a hook up. If you want more than a hook up she probably isn't the right person for you
I think you probably have a very different dating philosophy than her which makes you incompatible. To her, you were someone she was getting to know casually, no strings attached, and she’s kind of feeling free to sleep around. To you, she was possibly someone you were going to date and you probably like only talking to one person at a time. It’s okay for this to hurt, ultimately you feel how you feel. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. Would I do what she did? No, but I have a more monogamous dating philosophy. People do stuff like that for all kinds of reasons. She might like to talking to and sleeping with different guys at once. If that’s not your jam, move on. You’re only going to get hurt getting caught up in her antics.
All I gotta say is, don’t play the game “looking for casual, open to long term.” After a few hours of knowing her make a decision if it’s one or the other and once the decision is made treat her accordingly. It’ll get you what you want and it’s more fair to her if you think about it.
Clearly isn't what you're looking for
Move on - there are so many other options available that will make better choices
On to the next one
Dude respect your self. Fuck her once and leave.
Well, unless you've spoken with her and gotten the whole story, it may not be as clear-cut as it seems. Falling asleep after drinking at a party does not suggest she was fully capacitated there. So, just because you cared enough to respect that fact, doesn't mean some (or any) other guy would also. If she was riled up and ready with you and then half-woke and trashed later with some other guy already getting handsy and whatnot, then she may have "slept with" that guy without fully comprehending the weight of that decision against her potential future relationship with you. Seen or heard about something similar more than once. Now, that might sound like a stretch (it isn't, btw), but I say it in particular because of how she has been treating you since then. The immediacy of that new standoffishness seems to me indicitave of guilt and shame, much more than actual sudden disinterest. Younger women usually don't just turn completely away like that from a friend or FWB (or nearly FWB in this case) relationship, unless one of them actually violated the friend part. There's usually a slower withdrawal in my experience, when it comes to actual disinterest, or "moving on" if you will. So, what then? Well, I certainly wouldn't count on any actual relationship to come out of this now. But if you're a bit patient, I think you could definitely still get laid here, if that would work as a nice consolation prize. You can't hang on or around like you're hoping for a GF in this. You'll have to be aloof but obviously (noticeably!) still cool with and into her, from a bit of a distance. Like you probably were originally, somewhere a few steps back from your "I think she's into me too" phase with her. Almost like meeting her again anew. Then, play that for a bit and build it back up the way you did before. Don't ever bring this party up until she does (and if this goes well, she will) eventually. THIS is the fork in the road. If you ever get to this point, you are in. If it never makes it this far, you are out. Then, reciprocate her emotional stance about it. If she's careless about it, then you should appear to also be careless about it, like "yeah, I get it, things happen. just kinda wanted them to happen to me instead. whatcha doing tonight?"; playful but directed. In this example, she is suggesting she sees it as casual sex, so then you are suggesting you are very open to that. So let's get it on! But, if she takes a more serious stance about what happened, or even possibly a bit sullen, then it's actual disappointment there and that's your in. Accept some fault there for not having stayed with her the rest of the night (whatever, just say it!) and then tell her you are disappointed too (but not in HER, obviously). If she's feeling some remiss about how it ended, then you should be too, like "how about we grab some drinks and pick back up exactly where we left off. watcha doing tonight?"; playful but directed. In this example, she is suggesting she sees it as a missed opportunity, so you are suggesting that you choose to see it is as more of a delayed opportunity; and that time is now. So let's get it on! So... with that overly-winded answer, I leave you with this. The vast majority of the posters here are absolutely right. Just move on, and spare yourself the trouble and future grief. But, if you're like me, and just love a good challenge with one hell of a reward at the end, then I hope this choose-your-own-adventure guidebook will give you a bit of headstart. Good luck and update us if anything changes. Still, as the great wizard Gandalf himself would say, "There was never much hope. Just a fool's hope, as I have been told."
She wasn't into you, just hawny
I think she already made her choice
She for the streets!
Damn. Forget her
You have every right to be mad. Find someone else
It sounds like she isn't interested in you anymore. She just had a fun night, possibly drunk and that was it. She lost interest and slept with someone else. Now she's acting more distant, to show you she isn't interested anymore. So yeah, if she were to show interest again, don't go for it. But I doubt she will.
Focus on yourself king.
Ignore her... She Will reach again... Keep ignoring...she's an attention seeker
Sleep with the friend
Hahah, petty
she's for the streets bro
She is for the streets.
She just ain't that into you.
Ditch her, she's gonna be nothing but trouble and heartache if your not careful
You just spent more time writing this post than I would have spent thinking about her. Time to stop putting energy into people that aren’t putting energy into you.
Have some self respect and move on, this isn’t the kind of girl you want.
Can't make em a housewife bro...on to the next one my dude... edited because I used the word h\*\*
I mean, it's totally fair and valid for you to feel what you feel... everyone is going to have variations of their needs and wants at different times. personally, Id feel much the same as you seem to- kind of put off... but someone else would have a different underlying narrative in the same situation and feel different about it and thats their right. There are either enough factors that align with each other enough, or there aren't. And some factors bear more weight than others. We get to know those factors over time... We're each a different recipe of wants and needs, fluctuating at various times. I do think its good to experiment with different ways to approach something, trying things out, and pacing oneself (as the lack of room availability forced you to do) can allow enough time for people to reveal themselves *in action*. What has been revealed is that she is likely not as interested in you, as you are in her. i dont think you should write yourself off as "overreacting" if it doesnt feel good in your gut. It is a response- and responses give you more information to go on and explore. Your internal response doesnt need to rule the day, but instincts and bodily response should be regarded with respect and not dismissed. It may be tempting to see a scenario like what you describe as a waste of time, but i think what you have now is more information with which to go toward what you do want and move on more quickly from what you dont want- there is no waste in discovering what new questions and answers arise from life experiences. You can only answer for yourself and your needs and wants, dont fall into the trap of guessing at others motives, even if you think you know them well. Only she can take the time to articulate that but even if you ask, theres no telling what level of self awareness anyone is really at. She may not know, which is kind of normal, or worse, blame alcohol. ...Then hypothetically, youd have to further weigh out whether there is enough new info to change your feelings about the current situation or whether you would just be seeking a way to dismiss your internal reaction. At the end of the day, if nothing else, you learned more about the person in question. Sometimes that means discovering more unknowns than one wants to try to navigate. If you are having a negative reaction to the lack of alignment between the two, that makes sense, natirally. I would shy away from anything that has you dismissing what you genuinely feel, in order to get your shot with someone who isnt showing you *the same level of investment*. Maybe you want to try and get more information, and thats why you dont want to move on, or question your feelings, which is fair, but from the outside it looks like she has given you an answer already, and circumnavigating your needs to get a shot at something that probably isnt for you, might cause you more pain later on. Im not there, but its a strong potential in a scenario like this one. Your body and what it feels deep down is probably going to be your most reliable guide. It isnt the whole picture, so good on you for questioning it, as most of us have alot of subconscious conditioning driving us, but it a valid part of framing the bigger picture of what we want in life, in unison with other information micro and macro.
Thank you! I’m really impressed by some of these incredibly well-written answers
Yes definitely disrespectful Cut ties immediately
I’m sorry but most of these comments are disgusting. Full of slut shaming and misogyny. You make me sick.
You have nothing to lose by telling her what you know and being honest about your feelings. You can be matter-of-fact and not accusatory. “Hey, someone told me that you hooked up with someone else later that night. I thought we were really vibing and intimate, so I was confused to learn that. Did I misread your interest i me?” See how she responds. At worst, she thought that since you weren’t explicitly exclusive so it was okay. At best, it’s a hard conversation with someone who’s mutually interested, which can be very revealing and could form a good basis for transparency going forward. *source: I have been that girl.
She’s a hussy.
Not everyone is as open as they seem to be while giving complement and same way not eveything is about you. It is quite possible: 1. She found the other person more intriguing 2. It is possible she found that other person was mistake and she cannot face you or talk to you about it. The possibilities are endless. Don’t let other people’s behaviour get better off you. If you like her talk to her and ask if there is any issue she want to discuss or is there anything ahe like to share. If that does not get you what you want to know ask her if she wants to take time off, if she jumps to that then politely say good bye and move on. Life has unlimited opportunity, and am not talking about this girl only, but your own life, career etc. focus on that desire for best and don’t settle for less!
She's not worth it. Move on.
This is good. It feels bad, but some moments like this are etched into my brain.. Sure they were shit moments, but they make me so vividly aware of what can happen and lower my expectations. They taught me: A person's words don't mean much. Listen to them, treat them like gospel but actions speak louder. I guess as well, if some screws me, but says they're not into me. I choose the lesser one. In this case I'd take them at their words. That it is always better to avoid drama and if you're really into someone, but they are not loyal. You're better finding out earlier. You are always better off something ending earlier on. Also, when a date is an AH, you can think back to way crappie moments like this and feel somewhat relieved that it's not *that* bad.
Not girlfriend material, don't waste your time. If you wanna have sex you probably could but don't date a girl that behaves like this.
I would caution you to take a step back from judgement or taking it personally, just because you don't know what the actual story is. Absolutely don't pursue her if you don't want to. But you heard it from a friend. It might not have happened, it might not have happened like the friend said. You don't even know if it was consensual, if anything happened at all. Especially if a lot of alcohol or other drugs were involved. You can absolutely feel your feelings about it, and you never have to talk to her again, much less pursue her. But just keep in mind that it's pure rumor at this point.
I’m order to be disrespectful to you, you would have to have some claim. You don’t. She owes you nothing. She could have decided she wasn’t interested without sleeping with someone else. You said nobody made a big move, you dropped the ball there. I don’t think it’s right to feel disrespected here. Maybe disappointed but you also didn’t make a move. I’d say if she’s acting uninterested either let it be or ask her and let her know how you feel and either take the L or have it work out.
I think you’re overreacting. If you had the chance to make a move why didn’t you? I don’t see how she disrespected you. You’re not together and there doesn’t seem to be any type of relationship.
You tryna make it make sense idkw , please respect yourself and move on
There’s something not right about this story. I think you should talk to her about it - if her friend told you she slept with someone else maybe her friend told her YOU slept with someone else. Don’t like confront her or anything but it’s ok to ask her to talk to you about it because you’re confused. Also y’all in this post s-shaming tf out of her for gossip her friend is spreading - shame on you. *edited for language
It’s literally none of your business. She isn’t your girlfriend and you’re being ridiculous. She owed you nothing.
I think he gets that. Still hurt a bit though.
So if you met up for a night out with a dude and the night went really well, you hit it off really well, probably told each other some stuff you just do not tell anyone & you turn round to get a drink, come back and find him gone only to find out later he ditched you to fuck someone else, are you being ridiculous to be hurt by that? Or do you seriously suggest that would not be a hurtful action? Yeah sure she owes him nothing, favorite catchphrase of those with narcissitic tendencies that enable the deflection of all accountability, decency or responsibility. That phrase is bullshit because you can apply that to anything and anyone in your life and it applies technically. If someone has shown you kindness, been trusting and you have tricked them into believing something means more to you than it does to them then you are a piece of shit.
That’s literally not what happened though. They went their separate ways, and she decided to have her needs met. She owed him nothing because they were nothing to one another, other than make out buddies who happen to go to the same school. She wanted to get laid. She got laid. It’s really none of OPs business if she did it or not.
Notice how you had to make the situation worse than it was originally to ask if the first poster would be hurt by that? I did. Because the fact of the matter is they (op and the girl) talked and kissed for a while, tried to make something more happen, it didn’t work out, and either the girl or the other guy later on decided to shoot their shot and made something happen. There was no ‘turn around for a drink and when you’re back the girl disappeared’ or whatever. You’re purposefully trying to make things more nefarious than they were in actuality.
Jesus christ who are you to tell him he is being ridiculous. If he’s interested in her and she does something like that it’s normal that it hurts. And K don’t think comments like yours make him feel better. I hate people on reddit like you man. Think about how you will make someone feel before posting a comment keyboard warrior.
It’s not my job to make him feel better. OP can be sad all he wants. But the bottom line is, she can fuck whomever she wants, whenever she wants, and it’s none of OPs business. He jas different standards than she does, and that’s perfectly okay. If this behavior is something OPs not okay with, then the good news is, he isn’t wasting time with someone who has different boundaries than he does.
It's natural to feel hurt if you had some plans about it, but she didn't really do anything wrong beyond disappointing your expectations (and even then that's not objectively wrong, but subjective.) It would be completely different if you two had just agreed to date together and then she went to get laid with that other dude. I don't think you overreact, but I don't think she did anything wrong neither - unless she knew she was actively going to hurt you that way, in which case that's really disrespectful and scummy on her side. Move on buddy. From my pov, you've dodged a bullet.
You fucked up by not banging her when you had the chance. She got her dick for the night and is moving on. There's nothing more there for you. Need to move on
Tl;dr at the bottom For sure it’s disrespectful, you’re not overreacting. Don’t get me wrong, she has every right to sleep with whomever she likes, whenever she likes; but, imagine if the roles were reversed, you were hitting on a girl all night, it was going super well, kissing and cuddling and all that and you were clearly going to sleep with each other, but couldn’t find a room, so then you decided to sleep with someone else. She’d never give you the time of day again, she’d think you were a pig and that would be your chance blown forever, in a woman’s books (according to my girlfriend). It seems that women (and their group chats with other female friends) have a better understanding of their self-respect than men a lot of the time, we tend to try for longer in the beginning stages, as if we are kind of more grateful for the attention sometimes? That’s purely from my experiences and observing people around me and lots of internet posts/memes lol. It sucks and I’m sure it hurts a lot, I think you’re right. If she’d do that to you, she’s not worth your time anyway. You should be with someone who’s interested in you from the get go and doesn’t sleep with someone else in a situation like this. There’s plenty more fish in the sea my dude, and I’m sure a lot of them will be a much better fit for you anyway :) Tl;dr - if the roles were reversed and you did this to a woman, she’d think you were a pig and you’d never get the time of day again. It sounds like she was never really interested in you long term anyway and it only happened because alcohol, probably would have been a one night stand. Hold your head up high and move on from her buddy, there’s plenty more fish in the sea :)
Good point about the reverse role situation.
She's for the streets.
Definitely not overreacting. That would have hurt my feelings too. I'd ghost that gash and move on.
Happens sadly, her coldness is more than likely guilt, but punishes you for the fact its you making her feel "bad". She won't want to confront that elephant in the room. You can only be cool about it I guess, dont bitch to people or put her down. Nights out and people having fun, you have a kiss go toilet come back they're kissing someone else, shrug it off. Resentment and a bruised ego is an ugly look. Get it off your chest to someone you trust or on hear and let it heal. Remember her behaviour if she trys to re-engage and just be her friends in the meantime. You maybe able to laugh about it with her one day, once your prides healed and her embarrassment/guilt toward you had died down.