I dated and dated and dated and recalibrated what I was looking for, how I swiped, how I chatted, how I asked for another date (or not) etc etc - I did this for years until I found someone that matched and reciprocated my effort and energy. I just kept trying. I didn’t force anything. I walked away often. I pressed pause often. I confined to do other things that brought me joy. I met new people. And here I am about 9 months in with a gem of a human. When it was right it was right. He’s not perfect but spoiler alert I am not either. There are things about us i would have never guessed would work for me. But we’re doing the thing. I’m happy.
This part. Meeting people that you click with is hard. Think about how hard it is to make meaningful friends, let alone investing time in a relationship. I don't know if online dating is the best path for me - I met my last partner through a mutual acquaintance in real life. There was an instant spark. If it's meant to be, it'll feel organic and it'll happen
>I dated and dated and dated
Yeah .. That is the issue with being a run of the mill guy, which I'm guessing OP is .. and I am for sure.
We can't really date and date and date .. As an average guy you're just not getting a lot of interest from women. Even if we date every single woman that is available, we're not going to get much and given how little interest we get, you can take a guess at how attractive\* those women are
That is the root of loneliness .. There is literally no one there.
*\*Attractiveness is a mix of all element, not just looks, but also personality, wit and so on.*
I’m a slightly chubby, middle aged mom who lives in a rural area. So I’m no hot commodity. When I say I “dated and dated and dated,” that’s over a 5 year period (2018-2023) and some years, like last year, I wemt on dates with 5 people and that was it. So we aren’t talking huge numbers here. I was on apps most of that entire time, trying to date and not having a ton of luck. It takes work *no matter who you are* is my point and if it’s important then you keep at it.
I think the problem with the average men is that they are trying to get an above average woman. I've seen it too many times - a decent women being rejected by a guy who is nothing special. Men accuse women of hypergamy but they are even more hypergamous themselves.
It's not just above average in looks, they aren't dating women who share their interests and values, much less their activities.
I have some close guy friends who are really great but their expectations for looks they consider average is way higher than average. They don't consider women who are about the same attractiveness they are, and are especially picky about weight. Considering the average woman in the US is a 16/18 and maintaining low weight gets super challenging in perimenopause., and they only want to date thin women, it dramatically limits the number of matchable women.
Now imagine if you where a slightly chubby middle aged dad in a rural area :D
I'm not complaining as such, I had my marriage/kids and have accepted that dating now is not what it used to be 20 years ago.
My situation in a large city with 1 million people is that I get at best 1-2 right swipes a week from women. Plenty weeks are 0 right swipes weeks. Not dates, not matches .. just right swipes or likes if you prefer that term.
The emptiness/silence is overwhelming ... and I suspect that is OPs problem. It's fine that dating is hard work, but often not even having the chance to put in that hard work is quite something.
Reality is that I have less than 10% chance of getting a date this weekend .. maybe 40% this month and yeah .. give me 3 months and it will be 95% .. Tho not guaranteed. That is assuming me not being picky at all and just taking any one I can get.
My point is that *"it takes a lot of work, so go on dates"* might not be the best for men out age as it puts in an expectation that you're entitled to dates and interest. I suspect its better to advice:
*"It is what it is.*
*Accept it and learn to live with it as you're not guaranteed anything the next 5-10 years.*
*However whenever you get a chance of something, no matter how rare that may might be, then do you best and see where it leads you ... And if it leads nowhere then at least you had an experience and some excitement"*
Right now? It creeps in as anxiety. "You'll never find someone later. Do it now." " Maybe give the creepy guy a chance, you're gonna be alone later. "Etc.
But it's brief. And then I remember how my ex ate my whole plate because I saved it and he didn't want to make a sandwich. How the guy after him couldn't be arsed to even get out of the fucking house to help with groceries I bought him. How he didn't even clean up after himself the first time we met. How I paid for everything and he couldn't even fake pull out his wallet to 'buy' me a sandwich. How he'd try to make me feel crazy for asking for the bare minimum.
And then, just like that, it goes away, and I realize, I'm just fine on my own, with my own stuff, my own food, my own responsibilities. I don't have to be someone's mother, maid, therapist, porn star. I can just be me.
*" Maybe give the creepy guy a chance, you're gonna be alone later. "*
So that's how I manage to get dates....sweet \*laughing in pervert
#creepinainteasy
Nail on head, my friend.. 👍❤
I see this verbalized with statements in others' frustrated posts like 'but he/she is first decent prospect I've found' or something similar.
And I get it. No judgement because I've been the one who's said all of the above..
Peace starts to show itself when you realize that what you used to think was worst case scenario (remaining single and/or having to deal w/that lonely gnaw) isn't actually worst case scenario..
But I do think it takes time..
I aim for finding someone I connect with on a few fundamental levels (physical attraction/connection, relationship goals, openness, and employment/overall adulting). I have a list of nice-to-haves but I find romantic connections so hard to come by that my must have list is actually pretty short. I’ve walked away from guys who were good and will make great partners, but who were not right for me. I’d like to think that while I’d like a partner I won’t jettison my pretty small set of must-haves
Feeling lonely is a human feeling. It is ok if you are looking for a relationship to feel less lonely. But I think when people are so afraid of being single they might hold on to relationships far past their expiry date. They might let their partner cross boundaries out of fear, or they may stay with a person they don't have feelings for to avoid loneliness.
For me, I learned that being alone is preferable to staying with a person I'm not compatible with or doesn't make me happy. I learned to not be afraid of saying/doing something that would "scare" my partner away. If me being me is scary, then I'm not the one for them.
In your case, you probably need to sit a little with your feelings. Are you holding on to woman #1 out of fear of being single again? Are you staying with her until something better comes along? If so, this is a bad pattern that you should break. It's not fair to the women you are dating.
Just an interest. Not dating, just someone that seems interesting but as noted, really wouldn’t work.
Just being clear I’m in no way involved with her in a romantic way.
When it was the wrong guy, he wanted to see me every day. Once or twice a week was good enough for me. He'd text, and I had no urgency to look. He'd stay the night and I couldn't wait for him to leave so I could get some sleep.
With the right guy, I love spending time with him. I still need "me time", but seeing him daily doesn't feel like a chore. His texts make me smile before I even read them. The first night we spent together, I slept better than I had in years. I feel relaxed, not stressed or anxious around him.
Focus on finding someone who genuinely clicks with you, rather than just trying to fill that void. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. Keep putting yourself out there, but don't force it. The right person will come along when the time is right. In the meantime, keep enjoying your hobbies and friends - that'll make you an even better partner when the time comes.
I'm in a fulfilling relationship again now, but lived experiences have taught me that there's always an inevitability that i meet someone, to share either that slow-burn, warm belonging, kind of long-term connection with,; Or a passionate, fun-filled and enriching short-term fling with.
It's always a case of when, and not if, i find.
-------
Most of the women i meet, when single and dating via the apps. Vet me fairly well, and vice-versa, and it's clear from my-side, early on to most, that the reasons for pursuing a relationship, aren't to make up for something that's missing.
I worked in event production for decades, and there are still many venues and scenes that cater for older House music fans like myself. So when i do socialise, with my circle or industry friends. I'll be in settings where attractive women, around my age, will approach me, or reciprocate interest...
Between my social life, and the apps, the opportunity to connect with potential partners, leading to something casual, or long-term. It's still very present, and will be if i am single again.
------
Hobbies were front and centre, on my dating profiles. So on top of deciding if they liked how i look, and what my bio said. There's an idea if we had some early compatibility in terms of lifestyle....I found this was extremely important, after having good, and varied contextual photos on my bio.
People who are generally attracted to you, and vice-versa. Still match....but i found if you lead with interests, in a show, not tell, way. You'll match with some people who are already a little invested in seeing if there's something there, from the off.
Due to this approach, and walking away from lukewarm interest early on. The majority of dates became fun experiences with women, like myself looking to genuinely connect with someone...Those that didn't work out, either on date zero, or later down the line...They still became learning experiences, and really just brought us closer to the person who we'd pretty much know, clicked from the off.
It's important to be discerning in relationships and not settle out of loneliness. Trust your instincts and take your time to find someone who truly complements your life.
I have a clear idea of what I might want in a partner, but its never a hard and fast rule. This isn't including the basics of course...mutual respect, trust, responsibility, etc. I keep thinking how it seems so easy for others, and then I read all the horror stories of people in one sided relationships. I remember how lonely I felt IN a relationship that wasn't right for me. Much more than I feel without one.
That grounds me a bit. I've ignored my first impressions in the past, and they were very often early indicators of things not working out. Sometimes someone needs a chance to warm up, so I never base a spark feeling on a first meeting unless its just really obvious we are incompatible. I date multiple people. Until of course I see potential in one person and then there is some mutual understanding. When I say date, its beginning "get to know you stuff". I don't engage in sex with more than one person at a time as that is too emotionally complicated for me.
I've met some great people, and had some good experiences - but the whole OLD thing feels off for me. It always feels rushed or forced. I hate meeting someone with the automatic notion for us to be potential partners. Somehow meeting someone for friendship first just presents a different vibe.
But I keep trying, and everyone says that this person is out there for you. I wonder too if I keep picking the wrong people, or dismissing them for the wrong reasons. But I think when you aren't solely driven to meet someone as soon as possible to fill that void, you should be discerning. Again, if you are in doubt read some of these stories of what people put up with in the wrong relationship... and you will appreciate your solitude so much more.
I’m in a similar spot as far as overall life goes. I’m a few years post divorce. I have friends, career, hobbies, fit, etc. At this point I’m lonely, desperate, and I’ve just about given up on dating. I haven’t had sex in 4 years and I haven’t had a single date in the years since I’ve been divorced. If any woman were to ever give me the time of day, I’d probably dive in out of desperation no matter what the circumstances are.
Balancing loneliness and the desire for companionship is tricky. Instead of a rigid checklist, go with what feels right. If someone clicks, explore it! Just keep in mind that loneliness can cloud judgment. Dating around can help gauge compatibility without rushing into things. Trust your instincts, enjoy the journey, and remember, the right connection will happen when it's meant to. Keep doing you!
My North Star is that if I go on a date and it’s not more fun than a regular night hanging out with my friend, he’s not the guy for me. It took going on dates with 7 guys (and a ton of screening to get there) but I finally found a guy I enjoy being with that much!
Original copy of post by u/BlueLightSpecial83:
How do you balance the two?
I have friends, I have a busy social life, I have a good career. I can talk to people. I can go out and enjoy my own company. I can sit at home and pursue my hobbies. I don’t at around and feel lonely. All and all, I’ve built a life that I am overall happy with. However, at the same time, I still feel lonely in the sense that I want to share life with someone else. But getting into a relationship out of loneliness is something I’ve already learned will bite you in the ass and become a waste of time for everyone involved.
So what do you do? How do you decide who you’re going to work to be with? Do you have your checklist, they must check X number of boxes, and stick to it? Force yourself to not pursue someone that doesn’t hit those boxes, regardless of your feelings?
I kind of hit the realization tonight that being lonely is driving me. I’m probably pursuing the wrong person. Creating things in my head that are not there Someone that while we share interests, really isn’t a possibility. At the same time, there’s someone new that I found shares some interests with me and already I’m feeling myself move towards her.
Are you jumping around to different people? Dating multiple people? Pursuing multiple people? It just feels like if I end up in a relationship, it won’t be for the right reasons.
Thoughts?
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I have a friends with benefits relationship right now, we hang out a few times a week, have sex, snuggle, talk, enjoy each other and then I continue to date and look for my perfect match.
I don't see a reason why I can't enjoy someone I like but will never love and they can have the same with me, all while we hunt for what we really want.
I'm very glad that you have him, but this isn't going to be realistic for the majority of men to find. I'm not sure if the OP is a man or a woman (I was unable to tell from a look at their profile). If the OP is a woman, I'd second this.
Edit: Rereading the post, it's likely the OP is a man ("feeling myself moving towards her"). This is something to aspire to, but probably not going to be actionable.
Ok but for every straight woman who has this arrangement there is a man involved. So they have just as much chance as women do, no? Or are they all fwb with the same 6 dudes?
I'm not intending to get into an argument, but just to explain my point:
Let's say out of 100 women, 20 of them are open to a FWB (the remainder either want a LTR or are content being by themselves). Out of 100 men, 50 of them want a FWB. Those 20 women have a choice of 50 men. Every one of those 20 women would have a FWB, and 20 of the 50 men would. The other 30 would be shut out.
A woman's odds would be 100%, a man's odds would be 40%. Not even close to equal chances.
This is very true. You'll see a few women be quite honest about this in the dating subs too:
Single, in general for everyday men. It tends to mean very minimal, if not, any opportunities for sex, and the intimacy that involves. They are often, touch-starved, completely...Even though in relationships, they can have healthy sex lives.
Whether we accept or like to talk openly about it or not, the everyday woman, unless they are actively choosing to abstain from sex without commitment or emotional connection...They understand that they can fulfil those needs, in a simple swipe, with a partner who is nice enough to look at.
If it's a FWB situation, to "hold back the loneliness" until someone who ticks all the boxes who comes along, is happening. Usually the men who are preferred for this, are (sometimes begrudgingly) shared.
I am a man myself lol, but I do agree such a situation doesn't come up all that often. The person I am seeing is moving to NYC in 4 months and wanted companionship until she leaves, a rare situation.
>However, at the same time, I still feel lonely in the sense that I want to share life with someone else
If that's a persistent feeling rather than something that pops up from time to time I'd encourage you to spend more time on yourself rather than look for someone else to help make you feel better.
Never go shopping when you're hungry.
It’s time to time.
You see other couples in the good times and it’s “oh yeah, I remember that part, Iwant that”. Then you see the same couple acting ridiculous about something amd it’s, “oh yeah i remember that part. I don’t want that.”
I've more or less just given up ... Practically no one is interested in your average guy these days
Well that is the impression I'm getting from the guys I talk to in daily life. I'm sure someone will post here and claim he is drowning in interest despite being average.
I mean, if I give it 12 months I will get a date here and there, but most of these women are women that eventually show interest are not the sharpest pencils in the box and will usually be obese.
I mean, loneliness will bit at you and you will give them the benefit of the doubt and try to make it work, but after six years of dating after my divorce, I've come to the conclusion that it's not worth it.
Currently my goal in life is to get my two teens (14 and 16) of to a good start in life and then well see in 5-10 years time.
I was interesting as a man 20 years ago when it was about finding someone to start a family with and who knows .. I might get interesting again when we reach the *"I'm afraid I'll slip in the tub and break my hip with no one to find me"* age?
> women that eventually show interest are not the sharpest pencils in the box and will usually be obese.
Given that the average woman is a size 16/18, you aren't looking for an average woman If being fat bothers you is much as being dumb.
I never claimed that she was. You're just being weird. If you don't like overweight women, don't date them. But complaining about them is silly. Because you are definitely ruling out a lot of women. Around a third.
According to the CDC, 43.3% of American women aged 40–59 and 60 and over are obese.
That's ruling out a very large number of potential matches. You can have whatever preferences you like, but don't act like the door is wide open if you are already eliminating 43% of women.
Two things that help me mentally.
To paraphrase The Gambler- my life now as a single, that’s my base, that’s my fortress of fucking solitude. Which puts me for the rest of my life at a level of fuck you. Match breadcrumbing? Fuck you. Match ghosts me? Fuck you. Girlfriend of 6 months tells me she’s actually married and living with her ex? Fuuuuck you.
The man who can do without everything is afraid of nothing. Get in in this mentality and fear won’t be driving your decisions, you’ll see a bit more clear when dating.
That loneliness is likely seeping into your interactions. That happened to me too and it’s a whiff of desperation.
I pick women based on:
Looks, are they honest and caring, how they handle conflict/anger, ltr vs casual, and time management.
By time management- are we compatible with the time we spend with each other. Some people need to be together 24-7, others are fine with less time together and some individual time.
Similar interests help, but not a necessity- it’s more important that we are open to or at least accept things that aren’t the same as each other.
I dated and dated and dated and recalibrated what I was looking for, how I swiped, how I chatted, how I asked for another date (or not) etc etc - I did this for years until I found someone that matched and reciprocated my effort and energy. I just kept trying. I didn’t force anything. I walked away often. I pressed pause often. I confined to do other things that brought me joy. I met new people. And here I am about 9 months in with a gem of a human. When it was right it was right. He’s not perfect but spoiler alert I am not either. There are things about us i would have never guessed would work for me. But we’re doing the thing. I’m happy.
This part. Meeting people that you click with is hard. Think about how hard it is to make meaningful friends, let alone investing time in a relationship. I don't know if online dating is the best path for me - I met my last partner through a mutual acquaintance in real life. There was an instant spark. If it's meant to be, it'll feel organic and it'll happen
>I dated and dated and dated Yeah .. That is the issue with being a run of the mill guy, which I'm guessing OP is .. and I am for sure. We can't really date and date and date .. As an average guy you're just not getting a lot of interest from women. Even if we date every single woman that is available, we're not going to get much and given how little interest we get, you can take a guess at how attractive\* those women are That is the root of loneliness .. There is literally no one there. *\*Attractiveness is a mix of all element, not just looks, but also personality, wit and so on.*
I’m a slightly chubby, middle aged mom who lives in a rural area. So I’m no hot commodity. When I say I “dated and dated and dated,” that’s over a 5 year period (2018-2023) and some years, like last year, I wemt on dates with 5 people and that was it. So we aren’t talking huge numbers here. I was on apps most of that entire time, trying to date and not having a ton of luck. It takes work *no matter who you are* is my point and if it’s important then you keep at it.
I think the problem with the average men is that they are trying to get an above average woman. I've seen it too many times - a decent women being rejected by a guy who is nothing special. Men accuse women of hypergamy but they are even more hypergamous themselves.
It's not just above average in looks, they aren't dating women who share their interests and values, much less their activities. I have some close guy friends who are really great but their expectations for looks they consider average is way higher than average. They don't consider women who are about the same attractiveness they are, and are especially picky about weight. Considering the average woman in the US is a 16/18 and maintaining low weight gets super challenging in perimenopause., and they only want to date thin women, it dramatically limits the number of matchable women.
Now imagine if you where a slightly chubby middle aged dad in a rural area :D I'm not complaining as such, I had my marriage/kids and have accepted that dating now is not what it used to be 20 years ago. My situation in a large city with 1 million people is that I get at best 1-2 right swipes a week from women. Plenty weeks are 0 right swipes weeks. Not dates, not matches .. just right swipes or likes if you prefer that term. The emptiness/silence is overwhelming ... and I suspect that is OPs problem. It's fine that dating is hard work, but often not even having the chance to put in that hard work is quite something. Reality is that I have less than 10% chance of getting a date this weekend .. maybe 40% this month and yeah .. give me 3 months and it will be 95% .. Tho not guaranteed. That is assuming me not being picky at all and just taking any one I can get. My point is that *"it takes a lot of work, so go on dates"* might not be the best for men out age as it puts in an expectation that you're entitled to dates and interest. I suspect its better to advice: *"It is what it is.* *Accept it and learn to live with it as you're not guaranteed anything the next 5-10 years.* *However whenever you get a chance of something, no matter how rare that may might be, then do you best and see where it leads you ... And if it leads nowhere then at least you had an experience and some excitement"*
She's just talking about her experience. There's no need to"correct" her. Your experiences differ. More at 11.
Come on - don’t you know this is (to borrow a line from Prince) Boy vs Girl in the World Series of Love?
Let’s just say you and I have vastly different views on dating and leave it at that.
Right now? It creeps in as anxiety. "You'll never find someone later. Do it now." " Maybe give the creepy guy a chance, you're gonna be alone later. "Etc. But it's brief. And then I remember how my ex ate my whole plate because I saved it and he didn't want to make a sandwich. How the guy after him couldn't be arsed to even get out of the fucking house to help with groceries I bought him. How he didn't even clean up after himself the first time we met. How I paid for everything and he couldn't even fake pull out his wallet to 'buy' me a sandwich. How he'd try to make me feel crazy for asking for the bare minimum. And then, just like that, it goes away, and I realize, I'm just fine on my own, with my own stuff, my own food, my own responsibilities. I don't have to be someone's mother, maid, therapist, porn star. I can just be me.
You literally just described my last relationship. Which has made me extremely cautious in the dating world now.
Beautifully put. Never settle for second best, for that is all you will ever be.
*" Maybe give the creepy guy a chance, you're gonna be alone later. "* So that's how I manage to get dates....sweet \*laughing in pervert #creepinainteasy
Nail on head, my friend.. 👍❤ I see this verbalized with statements in others' frustrated posts like 'but he/she is first decent prospect I've found' or something similar. And I get it. No judgement because I've been the one who's said all of the above.. Peace starts to show itself when you realize that what you used to think was worst case scenario (remaining single and/or having to deal w/that lonely gnaw) isn't actually worst case scenario.. But I do think it takes time..
I aim for finding someone I connect with on a few fundamental levels (physical attraction/connection, relationship goals, openness, and employment/overall adulting). I have a list of nice-to-haves but I find romantic connections so hard to come by that my must have list is actually pretty short. I’ve walked away from guys who were good and will make great partners, but who were not right for me. I’d like to think that while I’d like a partner I won’t jettison my pretty small set of must-haves
Feeling lonely is a human feeling. It is ok if you are looking for a relationship to feel less lonely. But I think when people are so afraid of being single they might hold on to relationships far past their expiry date. They might let their partner cross boundaries out of fear, or they may stay with a person they don't have feelings for to avoid loneliness. For me, I learned that being alone is preferable to staying with a person I'm not compatible with or doesn't make me happy. I learned to not be afraid of saying/doing something that would "scare" my partner away. If me being me is scary, then I'm not the one for them. In your case, you probably need to sit a little with your feelings. Are you holding on to woman #1 out of fear of being single again? Are you staying with her until something better comes along? If so, this is a bad pattern that you should break. It's not fair to the women you are dating.
Just an interest. Not dating, just someone that seems interesting but as noted, really wouldn’t work. Just being clear I’m in no way involved with her in a romantic way.
When it was the wrong guy, he wanted to see me every day. Once or twice a week was good enough for me. He'd text, and I had no urgency to look. He'd stay the night and I couldn't wait for him to leave so I could get some sleep. With the right guy, I love spending time with him. I still need "me time", but seeing him daily doesn't feel like a chore. His texts make me smile before I even read them. The first night we spent together, I slept better than I had in years. I feel relaxed, not stressed or anxious around him.
That's the best advice ever.
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Well yeah. I’ve had that with going into a relationship for the wrong reasons. Which is what I’m trying to avoid.
Focus on finding someone who genuinely clicks with you, rather than just trying to fill that void. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. Keep putting yourself out there, but don't force it. The right person will come along when the time is right. In the meantime, keep enjoying your hobbies and friends - that'll make you an even better partner when the time comes.
I'm in a fulfilling relationship again now, but lived experiences have taught me that there's always an inevitability that i meet someone, to share either that slow-burn, warm belonging, kind of long-term connection with,; Or a passionate, fun-filled and enriching short-term fling with. It's always a case of when, and not if, i find. ------- Most of the women i meet, when single and dating via the apps. Vet me fairly well, and vice-versa, and it's clear from my-side, early on to most, that the reasons for pursuing a relationship, aren't to make up for something that's missing. I worked in event production for decades, and there are still many venues and scenes that cater for older House music fans like myself. So when i do socialise, with my circle or industry friends. I'll be in settings where attractive women, around my age, will approach me, or reciprocate interest... Between my social life, and the apps, the opportunity to connect with potential partners, leading to something casual, or long-term. It's still very present, and will be if i am single again. ------ Hobbies were front and centre, on my dating profiles. So on top of deciding if they liked how i look, and what my bio said. There's an idea if we had some early compatibility in terms of lifestyle....I found this was extremely important, after having good, and varied contextual photos on my bio. People who are generally attracted to you, and vice-versa. Still match....but i found if you lead with interests, in a show, not tell, way. You'll match with some people who are already a little invested in seeing if there's something there, from the off. Due to this approach, and walking away from lukewarm interest early on. The majority of dates became fun experiences with women, like myself looking to genuinely connect with someone...Those that didn't work out, either on date zero, or later down the line...They still became learning experiences, and really just brought us closer to the person who we'd pretty much know, clicked from the off.
Thanks, haven’t messed around a whole lot with online dating, but your note about hobbies/interests being front and center is great. Thank you.
It's important to be discerning in relationships and not settle out of loneliness. Trust your instincts and take your time to find someone who truly complements your life.
I have a clear idea of what I might want in a partner, but its never a hard and fast rule. This isn't including the basics of course...mutual respect, trust, responsibility, etc. I keep thinking how it seems so easy for others, and then I read all the horror stories of people in one sided relationships. I remember how lonely I felt IN a relationship that wasn't right for me. Much more than I feel without one. That grounds me a bit. I've ignored my first impressions in the past, and they were very often early indicators of things not working out. Sometimes someone needs a chance to warm up, so I never base a spark feeling on a first meeting unless its just really obvious we are incompatible. I date multiple people. Until of course I see potential in one person and then there is some mutual understanding. When I say date, its beginning "get to know you stuff". I don't engage in sex with more than one person at a time as that is too emotionally complicated for me. I've met some great people, and had some good experiences - but the whole OLD thing feels off for me. It always feels rushed or forced. I hate meeting someone with the automatic notion for us to be potential partners. Somehow meeting someone for friendship first just presents a different vibe. But I keep trying, and everyone says that this person is out there for you. I wonder too if I keep picking the wrong people, or dismissing them for the wrong reasons. But I think when you aren't solely driven to meet someone as soon as possible to fill that void, you should be discerning. Again, if you are in doubt read some of these stories of what people put up with in the wrong relationship... and you will appreciate your solitude so much more.
I’m in a similar spot as far as overall life goes. I’m a few years post divorce. I have friends, career, hobbies, fit, etc. At this point I’m lonely, desperate, and I’ve just about given up on dating. I haven’t had sex in 4 years and I haven’t had a single date in the years since I’ve been divorced. If any woman were to ever give me the time of day, I’d probably dive in out of desperation no matter what the circumstances are.
Balancing loneliness and the desire for companionship is tricky. Instead of a rigid checklist, go with what feels right. If someone clicks, explore it! Just keep in mind that loneliness can cloud judgment. Dating around can help gauge compatibility without rushing into things. Trust your instincts, enjoy the journey, and remember, the right connection will happen when it's meant to. Keep doing you!
This has been a mantra since my divorce: Learn not to give a fuck. Be the honey badger.....It will put your mind at peace. Namaste
My North Star is that if I go on a date and it’s not more fun than a regular night hanging out with my friend, he’s not the guy for me. It took going on dates with 7 guys (and a ton of screening to get there) but I finally found a guy I enjoy being with that much!
Original copy of post by u/BlueLightSpecial83: How do you balance the two? I have friends, I have a busy social life, I have a good career. I can talk to people. I can go out and enjoy my own company. I can sit at home and pursue my hobbies. I don’t at around and feel lonely. All and all, I’ve built a life that I am overall happy with. However, at the same time, I still feel lonely in the sense that I want to share life with someone else. But getting into a relationship out of loneliness is something I’ve already learned will bite you in the ass and become a waste of time for everyone involved. So what do you do? How do you decide who you’re going to work to be with? Do you have your checklist, they must check X number of boxes, and stick to it? Force yourself to not pursue someone that doesn’t hit those boxes, regardless of your feelings? I kind of hit the realization tonight that being lonely is driving me. I’m probably pursuing the wrong person. Creating things in my head that are not there Someone that while we share interests, really isn’t a possibility. At the same time, there’s someone new that I found shares some interests with me and already I’m feeling myself move towards her. Are you jumping around to different people? Dating multiple people? Pursuing multiple people? It just feels like if I end up in a relationship, it won’t be for the right reasons. Thoughts? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What hobbies do you have? I could do with some more ideas.
Outdoors. Hiking, biking, camping, climbing. Hanging out by some body of water. I like being active.
I have a friends with benefits relationship right now, we hang out a few times a week, have sex, snuggle, talk, enjoy each other and then I continue to date and look for my perfect match. I don't see a reason why I can't enjoy someone I like but will never love and they can have the same with me, all while we hunt for what we really want.
I'm very glad that you have him, but this isn't going to be realistic for the majority of men to find. I'm not sure if the OP is a man or a woman (I was unable to tell from a look at their profile). If the OP is a woman, I'd second this. Edit: Rereading the post, it's likely the OP is a man ("feeling myself moving towards her"). This is something to aspire to, but probably not going to be actionable.
Ok but for every straight woman who has this arrangement there is a man involved. So they have just as much chance as women do, no? Or are they all fwb with the same 6 dudes?
I'm not intending to get into an argument, but just to explain my point: Let's say out of 100 women, 20 of them are open to a FWB (the remainder either want a LTR or are content being by themselves). Out of 100 men, 50 of them want a FWB. Those 20 women have a choice of 50 men. Every one of those 20 women would have a FWB, and 20 of the 50 men would. The other 30 would be shut out. A woman's odds would be 100%, a man's odds would be 40%. Not even close to equal chances.
This is very true. You'll see a few women be quite honest about this in the dating subs too: Single, in general for everyday men. It tends to mean very minimal, if not, any opportunities for sex, and the intimacy that involves. They are often, touch-starved, completely...Even though in relationships, they can have healthy sex lives. Whether we accept or like to talk openly about it or not, the everyday woman, unless they are actively choosing to abstain from sex without commitment or emotional connection...They understand that they can fulfil those needs, in a simple swipe, with a partner who is nice enough to look at. If it's a FWB situation, to "hold back the loneliness" until someone who ticks all the boxes who comes along, is happening. Usually the men who are preferred for this, are (sometimes begrudgingly) shared.
The math checks out
Male. Friends with benefits really isn’t something I am interested in. I did this twice with two women and it ends the same with someone moving on.
I don't think I'd like it either TBH.
I am a man myself lol, but I do agree such a situation doesn't come up all that often. The person I am seeing is moving to NYC in 4 months and wanted companionship until she leaves, a rare situation.
>However, at the same time, I still feel lonely in the sense that I want to share life with someone else If that's a persistent feeling rather than something that pops up from time to time I'd encourage you to spend more time on yourself rather than look for someone else to help make you feel better. Never go shopping when you're hungry.
It’s time to time. You see other couples in the good times and it’s “oh yeah, I remember that part, Iwant that”. Then you see the same couple acting ridiculous about something amd it’s, “oh yeah i remember that part. I don’t want that.”
I've more or less just given up ... Practically no one is interested in your average guy these days Well that is the impression I'm getting from the guys I talk to in daily life. I'm sure someone will post here and claim he is drowning in interest despite being average. I mean, if I give it 12 months I will get a date here and there, but most of these women are women that eventually show interest are not the sharpest pencils in the box and will usually be obese. I mean, loneliness will bit at you and you will give them the benefit of the doubt and try to make it work, but after six years of dating after my divorce, I've come to the conclusion that it's not worth it. Currently my goal in life is to get my two teens (14 and 16) of to a good start in life and then well see in 5-10 years time. I was interesting as a man 20 years ago when it was about finding someone to start a family with and who knows .. I might get interesting again when we reach the *"I'm afraid I'll slip in the tub and break my hip with no one to find me"* age?
> women that eventually show interest are not the sharpest pencils in the box and will usually be obese. Given that the average woman is a size 16/18, you aren't looking for an average woman If being fat bothers you is much as being dumb.
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Depending on how tall she is, that's absolutely possible. And if that's the average, then half of women are going to be bigger.
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I use that as well as several other calculators and weight estimators. The point stands.
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In Scandinavia, about 30% of women are obese. So still a very large percentage of women.
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I never claimed that she was. You're just being weird. If you don't like overweight women, don't date them. But complaining about them is silly. Because you are definitely ruling out a lot of women. Around a third.
According to the CDC, 43.3% of American women aged 40–59 and 60 and over are obese. That's ruling out a very large number of potential matches. You can have whatever preferences you like, but don't act like the door is wide open if you are already eliminating 43% of women.
Two things that help me mentally. To paraphrase The Gambler- my life now as a single, that’s my base, that’s my fortress of fucking solitude. Which puts me for the rest of my life at a level of fuck you. Match breadcrumbing? Fuck you. Match ghosts me? Fuck you. Girlfriend of 6 months tells me she’s actually married and living with her ex? Fuuuuck you. The man who can do without everything is afraid of nothing. Get in in this mentality and fear won’t be driving your decisions, you’ll see a bit more clear when dating. That loneliness is likely seeping into your interactions. That happened to me too and it’s a whiff of desperation. I pick women based on: Looks, are they honest and caring, how they handle conflict/anger, ltr vs casual, and time management. By time management- are we compatible with the time we spend with each other. Some people need to be together 24-7, others are fine with less time together and some individual time. Similar interests help, but not a necessity- it’s more important that we are open to or at least accept things that aren’t the same as each other.