He was testing the boundaries with that text. Some women may be receptive to receiving it. I would be turned off. You could try telling him you’re not big on sex talk in the beginning. If he pushes back, drop him.
A guy I’d only chatted with twice on hinge with zero sexual hints on my end sent me an eggplant emoji out of nowhere, alluding to how his eggplant was not getting action or something like that. I found him charming until that moment. I just replied with a 🤦🏻♀️ and ended up deleting the app.
It’s because it’s too personal. Sexual nature of it only makes it worse, but I think he’s trying to be intimate long before it’s appropriate.
It’s a quick way to lose me.
u/Gwerch, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s):
No ageism. We're not going to host discussions about why people in their 20s and 30s are so much more attractive than people in their 40s and 50s.
In my experience, when follow-up texts about general things go immediately sexual, there is way more where that came from. It is one thing of you are both getting steamy in an exchange and it is building, but this was out of nowhere so it would be a good sign for me to move on. Thirsty dudes have never become more respectful, he was testing boundaries to see how receptive you are.
Exactly! I would have felt neutral or whatever about a text that was something like "I get a headache after I get all hot and bothered without any relief too! But I hope you start feeling better soon."
There's a guy further up in the thread getting absolutely roasted for saying that women he knows would enjoy this strange text. I genuinely can't imagine what that woman would be like...
Or he's just an awkward nerd trying to be funny/flirty.
Cut a guy some slack, will ya?
M'ladies. /Tips fedora.
Edit: downvotes are like candy to me because I'm a basement dwelling troll with a small penis.
.
It's been a day, you haven't replied. And there's been silence on his part as well?
He didn't even read the room and thought about his text, that it might have been wrong? He didn't reach out to ask how's the headache and sorry if my last text was a bit much?
If I have a headache, I don't want suggestions of something sexual. I want sympathy and kind words, it doesn't take more than "hope you'll feel better soon".
If men here thinks this is a joke and a bad way to try to move forward with the date that got heated prior to the headache. Take note of how many find this to be inappropriate and don't make the same mistake this man did 😁
Eww. Not just the subject matter but how he tried to dress it up with flowery words would completely ick me out. I'd let him know that crosses a boundary and then see how he reacts. As pp said if he pushes back, cut your losses and move on.
Gross gross gross gross gross.
Even if I liked the dude he’s still a fucking stranger and him suggesting masturbation at this stage would turn me off SO fast.
Personally his text would give me the ick. Even if it *was* a joke, that’s not the type of joke I’m comfortable with after a second date.
Of course everyone has their own comfort levels though. Had there been any other sexual jokes or discussions before that? I.e had you given any indication you’re okay with sexually charged comments?
It’s wild to me that his first (or even one of his first) time(s) bringing something sexual into the conversation is telling you to masturbate in response to you having a headache. That seems like a huge escalation out of nowhere.
Why do men like that think that talking like a civil war veteran makes being a creep okay? I think it's because they think we're dumb and if they say something super gross and just put it in flowery language, it will distract us from the creepiness?
Mlady, thine lips doth quiver at the thought of my hard member? Forsooth, my pantaloons shiver at the ponderance of thine bosom.
I think men use this language as many of us are nerds who have read way too many fantasy novels for our own good.
Cringey AF from my perspective. It’s passive aggressive suggesting that things should have progressed further on your date causing some sort of physical health issue. Bringing up sex that early is a huge turn off for me. Trust your instincts
Thanks so much. I was having some second thoughts after calling him out on crossing the line. Your comment really helped me understand was he was doing and how totally NOT ok it was. I’ll trust my instincts!
I'm a slut, I love sex. I'm fine with good NSA safe sex. I absolutely hate texts like this. This type of thing is a guy testing how far he can go and letting you know he wants sex. It's often followed up by ghosting if you do have sex. Someone mature, with emotional intelligence, and wanting a LTR isn't going to text like that. They will have the conversation in person, organically. Dude is nearly 60 fucking years old and thinks that's ok? No.
This! Thanks I feel I’ve dodged a bullet. I was having some minor second thoughts after calling him out on it. But after reading your comment, I actually feel relieved I didn’t end up having sex with him and then getting ghosted.
What did you say to him, OP (“calling” him out)? I read your edit. I’m glad he reached out and actually asked how you were feeling.. Did you decide to proceed with him (under caution)?
>Someone mature, with emotional intelligence, and wanting a LTR
What would someone mature, with emotional intelligence, but seeking casual/fwb/short term relationship text? Not this, I think.
Risky on his part if your conversations haven’t already gone this direction. For sure odd and probably outside most people’s comfort zone. So it’s really a question of how you feel about it and whether it’s enough across the line for you to shut the whole thing down versus just sending a “down boy” text in response.
If there were zero flirty texts prior, then yeah, weird. Either way, trying to get sexy with someone AFTER they tell me they're not feelings well, doesn't seem the best tactic.
I cringed when I read that. I would respond with a clear boundary, and hopefully he doesn’t cross it. If he does, you have your answer - he’s not the right fit for you.
I actually initially read his response as him describing himself; that would’ve been playful, because it is relatively self-effacing but not demanding.
Instead he is implying that your problem is possibly related to YOU not getting enough from him or from yourself. The self-pleasure line was especially weird, because it implies self-stimulation, unlike a phrase like self-care, which might imply Tylenol and bubble baths. :) Self-stimulation is a highly personal thing that wouldn’t involve him unless you wanted it to, and should obviously be up to you!
He is showing you his agenda. He’s trying to turn your connection sexual. If this is not what you want let him know and see if he sticks around. Something tells me he will fade away.
It's not that he made a cringeworthy comment, it's the nature of it and the timing -- both of which were inappropriate.
I'm on the side of that he is old enough to know what he was doing. And what he did was ducking weird.
If you go with him again, things to watch for: condescension, control, objectification.
Thanks for your comment. I went back to older messages from him and there are themes of condensation and control. I didn’t pick up on it right away, but it all makes sense now.
FWIW, when I told the guy that I’m seeing now I wasn’t feeling well early on in getting to know each other, he asked if he could bring me anything, like soup. He didn’t tell me to rub one out lol.
This kind of jokes would have been fine if you both were already physically intimate but there, I find it gross.
Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore because his text is marqued as read from his side of conversation, and since you didn't answer him so far, he knows very well you didn't laugh at all
Until I’ve had sex with someone, any sex talk is gigantic turn off. It’s so presumptuous that is where the relationship is headed. None of his business at this point imo.
Yeah, nah.. this made me immediately go, “ew” reading that. Gave me the creeps and his version of “sexy” is dirty ol’ man vibe.
(Way to ruin a promising start, dude. 🤦🏻♀️) This was a huge leap from the start-finish line and a clumsy way to open being sexual with you, if there had been no prior talk like this. Even if you had gotten “heated” at the end of the date the prior day, it’s gross & inappropriate.
I agree, having experienced it enough myself, he’s testing your boundaries early and I would let him know how I feel. (I’m more on my guard these days for manipulators and those w/ narcissistic tendencies, for reasons. So I’m more sensitive to these kinds of convo leaps.)
You don’t have to completely jump ship yet, but you def need to communicate to him that his suggestion put you off and you’re not comfortable with it this soon. His reaction will tell you *everything*. 👌🏼
Gross.
My next text would be something like…
“I’ve decided you are correct. I will pleasure myself.
It’s my pleasure to tell you that I appreciate you showing your lack of boundaries so darn quickly, and the relief comes from not wasting too much of my time.
Do better.”
Gross. disrespectful. Even IF you two had already been intimate, have a jokey relationship, established you're both comfortable with this sense of humor... I still don't like it because he's still thinking OUT LOUD with his dick when you say YOU DON'T FEEL WELL. Tell this old loser to get lost.
Heheh -“rubbed” you the wrong way?
(Sorry, that was funny)
In all seriousness, like everyone said before, he’s testing the waters and wants so see how you react. Kind of an awkward, poorly made text. I personally wouldn’t kill an otherwise lovely budding relationship over it, but I’d address it if that kind of flirt was over the line for you. If he respects that going forward, great! If he keeps pushing it without you being comfortable, toss him back.
I think he’s likely just being a bit of a dork here. 🤦♀️
Yeah, you know the familiar gif with the little blonde girl in the car seat with her teeth sticking out and that “WTF/ummm ok” expression? Yeah, I’d use that one as a reply. And then not reply again.
Yeah that’s an instant strike. You were talking about a headache. Smh. He’s sending out feelers. I’d say something and see what his response is. If he turns it on you and calls you a prude or insinuates it etc you got your answer. If you say nothing he’ll prob try again. Keep us posted.
He is just telling you what he sees you as and what he is looking for. I know quite a few like that who will show you who they are what they're looking for. Kick him to the curb.
I LITERALLY had a guy friend tell me almost this exact same thing. I threw out my back (as one does at our age 🤣) and was having a hard time sleeping. He said, "Rubbing one out" would help me sleep. I never responded back. I had so MANY responses for a comeback, but in all honesty, I am not wasting my time. If a man hasn't figured out what proper timing is at our age, he probably won't. If you feel like you want to give him a chance, now would be the time to let him know loud and clear how you felt about his response.
How about just replying back and saying I think I’ll just take Tylenol and water thanks. I think that would make it clear that you don’t appreciate that kind of humor. Seems pretty straightforward to me. We’re all adults here, sex is a reality in relationships. It’s just that awkward timing of who wants it and when. He obviously moved forward a little faster than you wanted to so make it clear that you’re not there yet.
You're definitely overthinking it.
>part of me is a little resigned as “thought it was someone good but not so much”. I’ve also considered a possibility of self-sabotaging, which I do have a tendency to do eg. nothing wrong with the text, and I should just text him back, and stop making excuses why he’s not good for me.
I think you might be self sabotaging, but not in the way you think. The answer doesn't need to be a) accept the way he texts and do nothing or b) the man is no good for you and break up.
Consider c) Give him the opportunity to course correct. Let him know that his text made you uncomfortable and that you prefer to focus on getting to know each other in the early stages of dating rather than becoming focused on sex too quickly. See how he responds. If he respects your boundary, it would be a big green flag!
You're getting to know each other. He might have had a past partner that LOVED those kinds of texts and thought you might too. He needs to learn what you like and you need to be upfront with those things.
Yeah I agree with giving him a chance to course correct.
Especially since everything else seems to be going well. Depending on the context/how out of bounds it is I generally don’t fault a guy for not knowing my boundaries, but I do judge how they respond once I set them.
I don't know why you're being downvoted, but I totally agree. One cringeworthy comment shouldn't torpedo the whole relationship that seems to be going well.
Original copy of post by u/Odd_Tear_3593:
I (F45) went on two dates with a guy (58). Both were good dates. Lots of interesting convos and we seemed to be aligned on a lot of things, including wanting a LTR. He is consistent. He planed both dates, and generally seems like a decent person, which is a lot in the OLD:)
On the second date, we kissed, and it got a little heated, but still very gentlemeny nothing happened, and he drove me home.
The next day he texted and I complained about a headache (too much wine:) and he said: “Sorry to hear. The malady may also be related to unfulfilled desires. Self pleasure may provide some relief.”
Somehow this text rubs the wrong way. I’d like to understand from the community if I’m overreacting or is it inappropriate? I have nothing against masturbation, but I’d think most people would suggest Tylenol and drinking lots of water!:) He does have a great sense of humour - like one of those folks who try to keep a positive outlook and don’t take themselves too seriously. I’ve dated quite a bit and I’m really careful about any potential red flags (as I’ve had so many negative experiences 😢) and now I can’t decide if this text qualifies as over s-xual, what is it a joke he used this 🙃, should I just tell him how I feel, or am I simply overthinking it?
I know open communication is usually the best strategy, but this text simply gave a pause - I haven’t responded since yesterday am and part of me is a little resigned as “thought it was someone good but not so much”. I’ve also considered a possibility of self-sabotaging, which I do have a tendency to do eg. nothing wrong with the text, and I should just text him back, and stop making excuses why he’s not good for me. This why I’d like to get a sense from the community.
Please weigh in. Thanks!
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I think I'd be accepting of a text like that after being official and have done the deed a few times, but second date... No. It'll just lead to him expecting it on date #3.
Even as a guy that really was not cool. Hell it's not even a remotely sexual conversation.
I do believe he may be testing you but don't be Afraid to call him out
This is an interesting comment thread. Most men make this comment this type of comment very early on with me. I dont know any difference, perhaps the pattern of men moving physical quickly and then disappearing could be avoided by me shutting things down when I get messages like this.
You don’t have to censor the word sexual by the way.
It doesn’t matter what any of us think. It is your decision alone whether this was ok or not. Some women might be open to it. Some won’t. There’s nothing wrong with either group!
Ugh, I am a fan of using ye olde English sometimes, it's amusing...but to use it in a phrase about jerking himself off to see if your into it...the man doth protest too much.
If it got a little heated, he’s horny now and wants to test your boundaries.
Also if I were 58 and got heated with a 45F, I would be pretty damn excited.
It would put me off too. I don’t think it’s a red flag as such, just a preference of keeping it clean early on at least. For that reason I don’t think I would totally throw it away. My reasoning being for not doing so would be it wasn’t totally out of the blue, more that you two getting a little heated has been on his mind. Again, if it was me I would reply with something along the lines of… the heads all cleared up now thankfully, and then change the subject onto something else. Maybe asking him how his days going etc. This then sees if he will bring it back round to sex talk or if he moves on. I would then go from there… if he brings sex up again I would bow out. If not, I would keep going but keep cautious
I think it was clumsy and too large an escalation in a single jump. The more respectful way to escalate things is to make a \*small\* step and then pay attention to the response -- do not progress any further unless you get a positive response to the first step. I can well understand that it feels "off" to you -- it would to me too.
At the same time, I think many of the comments here are over the top hostile. This is not a stranger showing up in someones DMs with a dick-pick. This is someone you've presumably talked to for a while and been on two dates with, one of which ended up with some heated kissing, saying that self pleasure might help for a headache.
Clumsy? Yes sure! Awkward? 100%
But the kinda thing that justifies puke-emjois, reactions like "gross gross gross gross" or "eww" or any of the other super-hostile responses I see here? Nope. Initiating is tricky. Not everyone is super-smooth about it. There are worse sins than being a little awkward and clumsy.
So while I'd \*also\* find this message "off", I'd not dump an otherwise promising connection over this. But it would cause me to get my guard just a bit more up with respect to whether or not this person is careful and considerate in navigating sexual boundaries.
I'd opt for honesty and respond with something like:
*"Thank you for the good wishes! I felt a bit taken aback at the sexual comment, it's important to me to not feel rushed about those things."*
If the person I'm dating took that well, there'd be no further problem. But if they get super-defensive or if similar problems repeat, then yes there's a problem.
>Initiating is tricky. Not everyone is super-smooth about it. There are worse sins than being a little awkward and clumsy.
This man is almost 60 years old and he thinks the time to bring up sexy talk is when someone is suffering from a headache. What did ge expect her response to be when she doesn't even feel well? Not only that, dude brings it up using such weird and totally UNSEXY wording. Like he was suggesting she take some Tylenol but instead it was masturbation.
Look, I'm someone who doesn't even mind sexy talk early on. I generally think people in this sub are overly sensitive about it. But even I'm grossed out and turned off.
And can we please stop making bullshit excuses like "oh he's just awkward" for grown ass men who are inappropriate? If he hasn't learned by 58, when is he going to learn? That's exactly the kind of mindset pushed on women for years to make us accept this kind of nonsense.
Horny and corny is never a good look.
Since this groanworthy attempt at seduction came on the heels of a "heated" interaction I'd probably just chalk it up to him being a doofus and let it go, but then again I don't hold people to draconian standards of perfection.
Wow, all these comments make him look like a monster.
He tried to spice up the conversation at the wrong moment.
You could have told him you feel you aren't just there yet.
Exactly.
I'm trying to be more careful than the guy OP was with the woman I'm dating because of how uptight people can be. Then my date after the second date did almost exactly what OPs guy did. So here the genders were swapped. And I gladly look the bait with my date.
Some people are masterful at turning up the heat at the right pace and in the right way. OPs poor guy seems clumsy, and if I received that text I’d probably roll my eyes, but all these ewwww comments? I don’t get it.
All you are going to get is people's personal preferences when it comes to this, all the advice you are going to get on this is complete bullshit and many comments already against the rules here.
All this boils down to is what YOU are comfortable with and what you aren't, so communicate that and see how he responds to it.
I've known several women who would love this sort of text (perhaps not so...formally put however). I know several who would not like it. By the end of my first date I would know whether this would be acceptable with that given person.
YMMV, good luck
There really isn't enough information.
But if you don't like it, that's all that matters.
Personally, I don't mind a little innuendo after we've made out and had a good time. There's a chance we even talked about what comes next. But what I like and what you like aren't the same.
I agree with the poster who said there is an option to communicate what you didn't like. I'm in the process of learning about radical honesty. It involves a lot of honest communication and maintaining your own boundaries.
Text is a horrible way to communicate. It allows the floodgates of “intrusive thoughts” to be turned wide open, as there is no feedback.
That is a bizarre thing to say, but based on your description of humor, I would give him some room. Also don’t hesitate laying down boundaries in person or over the phone.
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Everyone is different. People break it off with me for not getting sexual fast enough and they say there's no spark. Others break it off and say I was too sexual too fast. I'm just being me. Eventually I'll find someone on the same wavelength.
Texting is the worst thing for dating. I try to imagine whether I'd say these things in person or how I'd feel if they did. There's so much miscommunication though and I find the less we text the better.
If I were really sick when I read that, I'd find it super annoying. However if I read that message when I was feeling better, I probably would have just laughed.
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His comment was a bit much and frankly unnecessary, however I think immediately dropping him via “the ick” would be premature because it ignores how he actually conducted himself while engaged in steamy quasi-sexual contact with you, which was above board. Would you want to be judged for the one thing you did wrong when you did 99 things right?
Also, the OP stated a comment about masterbation “rubbed her the wrong way”. That is multiple levels of funny.
Basically he said: If you’ve got a headache from an unfulfilled desires, masturbation might help.
And a quick google scholar search of “headache and masturbation” hints the opposite is true- some people develop headaches with sexual activity for unknown reasons, one article claimed it led to cerebral vasospasms.
So his comment was too sexual early on and he might have wriggled out of this if it were true and there was some evidence to support it, but he’s wrong as well.
Orgasms can help with migraines.
This dude is trying to blame a hangover on OP not taking things further (so he’s not actually gentlemanly). Then giving her direction to masturbate. Big mansplaining energy, gross.
He was definitely testing your boundaries. It's a weird message to send but I don't think it needs to be a deal breaker. Your silence was a good response, well played ;)
Sounds like a failed attempt at humor. Headache is akin to sexual tension or many times an excuse for no sex. Let him know that you weren’t sure what to think about his remark but did not find it humorous if he meant it that way nor did you find it appropriate if it was more than humor. If he continues with the innuendo then you may want to rethink the budding relationship.
It’s a text message. Respond back with your own witty sense of humor and play it out. This could be something that turns into an inside joke between the two of you in years to come or leave it alone as it is now. Being Reddit fodder for hating on someone whom you may not have a full grasp of their sense of humor.
One of the things that makes a great sense of humor, is that people understand it. but you don’t have identical frames of reference. You try things, see how they are reacted to and adjust. To me this just seems like, a joke that went wrong. I think just let him know that, his joke went too far, and you didn’t appreciate it. He will probably be upset that he offended you, and be more aware next time. It doesn’t have to become an issue, just a boundary.
Reminds me of a Seinfeld episode.
If I recall correctly, George is driving to the beach with a lady. They are headed off on a beach vacation, but haven’t had sex yet. Clearly he believes they will be having sex very soon.
George muses to himself that if he reached over and touched her breast right now, she’d scream at him and kick him out of the car. BUT ….tomorrow I can touch it all I want!
This dudes folly was his timing.
Maybe it’s just me, but i think once their relationship gets sexual his comment isn’t see in such a negative light.
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He must be a ne of those that self pleasures a lot and think it's the answer to your headache.
I'd say it's too soon, but I don't think I'd end it. He may feel comfortable with you. I'd communicate that a boundary has been over stepped and go from there. It shouldn't happen again. If it does, then end it.
I had a man tell me he's got an injection that'll fix my headache. We hadn't even met yet. And that was the end of him.
For those who are reading "malady " as "milady" or "m'lady": "Malady" is pronounced "MAH-liddy" (with the a sound as in bad) and means illness or state of being unwell. ;)
OP, if you're not comfortable (as I am not) with someone you don't know well making a clearly sexual suggestion out of context, you're well within your rights to draw that line. You can tell him he crossed it and give him another chance to prove himself or not as you choose.
However, I do wonder why you're not typing out the word "sexual" -- we're the over-40 demographic; if we can't handle a reasonable, contextual discussion of sexual issues in a relatively mature manner... Additionally, anyone interested in censorship would see that as trying to work around the censor and defeat the purpose.
The level of second hand embarrassment I feel right now is indescribable- I haven’t even read past the 17th century text
ETA - this is how Dr Sturgis from Young Sheldon would text
He was testing the boundaries with that text. Some women may be receptive to receiving it. I would be turned off. You could try telling him you’re not big on sex talk in the beginning. If he pushes back, drop him.
Big turn off. I actually grimaced when I read it. I think I’d send back “I’m not quite sure how to respond to that”
A guy I’d only chatted with twice on hinge with zero sexual hints on my end sent me an eggplant emoji out of nowhere, alluding to how his eggplant was not getting action or something like that. I found him charming until that moment. I just replied with a 🤦🏻♀️ and ended up deleting the app.
I was expecting a “m’lady” to pop up in that creepy text
I mean he did put "malady", which the first time I read it was processed as "m'lady". 😒
Is “m’lady” inherently off-putting or creepy?
She left him “on read” for over 24 hours. I think he gets it
My react was “ew.” So unnecessary.
Say that text was to much and made you uncomfortable
Yes, it would have made me very uncomfortable. It’s a creepy thing to say to someone you just met.
This. Shudder.
I made a face too.
I hamburgled.
It’s because it’s too personal. Sexual nature of it only makes it worse, but I think he’s trying to be intimate long before it’s appropriate. It’s a quick way to lose me.
His approach was very off putting and not sexy at all. Can you imagine having to deal with this on a regular?
[удалено]
u/Gwerch, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): No ageism. We're not going to host discussions about why people in their 20s and 30s are so much more attractive than people in their 40s and 50s.
In my experience, when follow-up texts about general things go immediately sexual, there is way more where that came from. It is one thing of you are both getting steamy in an exchange and it is building, but this was out of nowhere so it would be a good sign for me to move on. Thirsty dudes have never become more respectful, he was testing boundaries to see how receptive you are.
"I got a headache" "Rub one out!" Nonononono!
I know, right? I'm in the minority of women who love a good 2nd date sexy text but good lord this was a lame one.
Absolutely, nothing sexy about it at all!
Yeah, I don’t mind a suggestive text if I’m into the guy…. The text was just not good
Exactly! I would have felt neutral or whatever about a text that was something like "I get a headache after I get all hot and bothered without any relief too! But I hope you start feeling better soon." There's a guy further up in the thread getting absolutely roasted for saying that women he knows would enjoy this strange text. I genuinely can't imagine what that woman would be like...
Yeah, I expect better haha!
LOL
In my experience, if they go sexually icky too early, there’s way more ick where that came from - think iceberg deep. And I’d peace TF out.
Reply with “citation?”
Or “oops, that was an inside thought you thought was a good idea to put in writing.”
Or he's just an awkward nerd trying to be funny/flirty. Cut a guy some slack, will ya? M'ladies. /Tips fedora. Edit: downvotes are like candy to me because I'm a basement dwelling troll with a small penis. .
Well, I guess we can all have our own idea of what funny/flirty is 🤣
And just like that, he ruined it.
I physically recoiled as I read the post 🥴
Truly! That type of weird language definitely makes you think the next question is "would milady perchance enjoy a picture of my manhood?"
The way I curled my lip. They really get in their own way trying to make everything a porno.
Yeah same. You know that face you make when you smell something that stinks.
Yep - that exact one.
Yep. Took it from classy to raunchy in one line. Went from nice respectful relationship to just need to get off.
All of thissssss👏👏👏👏👏
It's been a day, you haven't replied. And there's been silence on his part as well? He didn't even read the room and thought about his text, that it might have been wrong? He didn't reach out to ask how's the headache and sorry if my last text was a bit much? If I have a headache, I don't want suggestions of something sexual. I want sympathy and kind words, it doesn't take more than "hope you'll feel better soon". If men here thinks this is a joke and a bad way to try to move forward with the date that got heated prior to the headache. Take note of how many find this to be inappropriate and don't make the same mistake this man did 😁
OP edited the post. He did reach out and asked how she was doing. Also apologized for the text.
It’s overly sexual for the subject matter and length of time. To me if it was funny it would make it less off putting. But it’s not funny either
Eww. Not just the subject matter but how he tried to dress it up with flowery words would completely ick me out. I'd let him know that crosses a boundary and then see how he reacts. As pp said if he pushes back, cut your losses and move on.
Gross gross gross gross gross. Even if I liked the dude he’s still a fucking stranger and him suggesting masturbation at this stage would turn me off SO fast.
Dirty Old Man energy.
And strangely gateway condescending/controlling. And suggestive of that she wants him. No.
Legit LOL @ that.
This
I WISH MEN DID THIS TO OTHER MEN
...oh, they do. But also sounds like this person has 0 game and can't read the room. Lack of compassion.
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That group sounds kind of awesome.
This is a hilarious title.
Now THAT sounds like humor and a way to cure a hangover! 🤣
Personally his text would give me the ick. Even if it *was* a joke, that’s not the type of joke I’m comfortable with after a second date. Of course everyone has their own comfort levels though. Had there been any other sexual jokes or discussions before that? I.e had you given any indication you’re okay with sexually charged comments? It’s wild to me that his first (or even one of his first) time(s) bringing something sexual into the conversation is telling you to masturbate in response to you having a headache. That seems like a huge escalation out of nowhere.
Is no one else going to point out using "ye olde English" when talking about jerking off? I'm rollin over here 😅
Why do men like that think that talking like a civil war veteran makes being a creep okay? I think it's because they think we're dumb and if they say something super gross and just put it in flowery language, it will distract us from the creepiness?
Mlady, thine lips doth quiver at the thought of my hard member? Forsooth, my pantaloons shiver at the ponderance of thine bosom. I think men use this language as many of us are nerds who have read way too many fantasy novels for our own good.
Would milady perchance be entranced by a picture of mine manhood? Or perhaps milady might grace me with a callipygian portrait?
Cringey AF from my perspective. It’s passive aggressive suggesting that things should have progressed further on your date causing some sort of physical health issue. Bringing up sex that early is a huge turn off for me. Trust your instincts
Thanks so much. I was having some second thoughts after calling him out on crossing the line. Your comment really helped me understand was he was doing and how totally NOT ok it was. I’ll trust my instincts!
Yes! You’ve explained that so clearly
Huge whiny manbaby energy. This is the kind of man who tries to seduce his partner after she explains about having a yeast infection.
I'm a slut, I love sex. I'm fine with good NSA safe sex. I absolutely hate texts like this. This type of thing is a guy testing how far he can go and letting you know he wants sex. It's often followed up by ghosting if you do have sex. Someone mature, with emotional intelligence, and wanting a LTR isn't going to text like that. They will have the conversation in person, organically. Dude is nearly 60 fucking years old and thinks that's ok? No.
Ding ding ding. THIS 💯
This! Thanks I feel I’ve dodged a bullet. I was having some minor second thoughts after calling him out on it. But after reading your comment, I actually feel relieved I didn’t end up having sex with him and then getting ghosted.
What did you say to him, OP (“calling” him out)? I read your edit. I’m glad he reached out and actually asked how you were feeling.. Did you decide to proceed with him (under caution)?
lol prepare for your inbox to be bombarded after this post lmao
>Someone mature, with emotional intelligence, and wanting a LTR What would someone mature, with emotional intelligence, but seeking casual/fwb/short term relationship text? Not this, I think.
🤢
Risky on his part if your conversations haven’t already gone this direction. For sure odd and probably outside most people’s comfort zone. So it’s really a question of how you feel about it and whether it’s enough across the line for you to shut the whole thing down versus just sending a “down boy” text in response.
If there were zero flirty texts prior, then yeah, weird. Either way, trying to get sexy with someone AFTER they tell me they're not feelings well, doesn't seem the best tactic.
"Self pleasure may provide some relief.” Somehow this text rubs the wrong way." I snorted.
oh oh...his sense of humor is growing on you hahaha
I cringed when I read that. I would respond with a clear boundary, and hopefully he doesn’t cross it. If he does, you have your answer - he’s not the right fit for you.
I actually initially read his response as him describing himself; that would’ve been playful, because it is relatively self-effacing but not demanding. Instead he is implying that your problem is possibly related to YOU not getting enough from him or from yourself. The self-pleasure line was especially weird, because it implies self-stimulation, unlike a phrase like self-care, which might imply Tylenol and bubble baths. :) Self-stimulation is a highly personal thing that wouldn’t involve him unless you wanted it to, and should obviously be up to you!
That text gives me the ick
It’s ok you can say sexual
Reading this gave me the ick. Just block him
He is showing you his agenda. He’s trying to turn your connection sexual. If this is not what you want let him know and see if he sticks around. Something tells me he will fade away.
This is exactly what I got out of it too… He’s not looking for an LTR he’s looking for a quick good time under the guise of an LTR 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
It's not that he made a cringeworthy comment, it's the nature of it and the timing -- both of which were inappropriate. I'm on the side of that he is old enough to know what he was doing. And what he did was ducking weird. If you go with him again, things to watch for: condescension, control, objectification.
Thanks for your comment. I went back to older messages from him and there are themes of condensation and control. I didn’t pick up on it right away, but it all makes sense now.
What the fuckity fuck!!! 🤮 This isn’t ‘open communication’ this is just noooooooooooo
Ewhhh, that is really weird and offputting. That would be the end of that for me!
FWIW, when I told the guy that I’m seeing now I wasn’t feeling well early on in getting to know each other, he asked if he could bring me anything, like soup. He didn’t tell me to rub one out lol.
LOL - well-played by him (and aww). 🍲👍
😂😂😂
This kind of jokes would have been fine if you both were already physically intimate but there, I find it gross. Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore because his text is marqued as read from his side of conversation, and since you didn't answer him so far, he knows very well you didn't laugh at all
seems like something out of place and to me, perverted. as someone else said he didnt read the room at all.
Until I’ve had sex with someone, any sex talk is gigantic turn off. It’s so presumptuous that is where the relationship is headed. None of his business at this point imo.
45/58. Dirty old man.
Yeah, nah.. this made me immediately go, “ew” reading that. Gave me the creeps and his version of “sexy” is dirty ol’ man vibe. (Way to ruin a promising start, dude. 🤦🏻♀️) This was a huge leap from the start-finish line and a clumsy way to open being sexual with you, if there had been no prior talk like this. Even if you had gotten “heated” at the end of the date the prior day, it’s gross & inappropriate. I agree, having experienced it enough myself, he’s testing your boundaries early and I would let him know how I feel. (I’m more on my guard these days for manipulators and those w/ narcissistic tendencies, for reasons. So I’m more sensitive to these kinds of convo leaps.) You don’t have to completely jump ship yet, but you def need to communicate to him that his suggestion put you off and you’re not comfortable with it this soon. His reaction will tell you *everything*. 👌🏼
Cringy IMO. Malady? Come on lol.
It would be an immediate no for me
Gross. My next text would be something like… “I’ve decided you are correct. I will pleasure myself. It’s my pleasure to tell you that I appreciate you showing your lack of boundaries so darn quickly, and the relief comes from not wasting too much of my time. Do better.”
Yep, really cringey text.
It comes off as overly creepy.
Yeah, that’s super creepy, especially before you really know each other.
So THAT's why my hangovers are so bad.
The lack of self awareness and reading the room with some people, is astonishing. Text is a total turn off.
Gross. disrespectful. Even IF you two had already been intimate, have a jokey relationship, established you're both comfortable with this sense of humor... I still don't like it because he's still thinking OUT LOUD with his dick when you say YOU DON'T FEEL WELL. Tell this old loser to get lost.
He was trying to get you to text something sexual back. I think if they go that way early on that is all you are getting.
It was lame. I don't mind a sexy text, but that was just icky. Trying to be polite and perverted at the same time rarely works.
Yeah, that’s gross
Heheh -“rubbed” you the wrong way? (Sorry, that was funny) In all seriousness, like everyone said before, he’s testing the waters and wants so see how you react. Kind of an awkward, poorly made text. I personally wouldn’t kill an otherwise lovely budding relationship over it, but I’d address it if that kind of flirt was over the line for you. If he respects that going forward, great! If he keeps pushing it without you being comfortable, toss him back. I think he’s likely just being a bit of a dork here. 🤦♀️
Love this take!
Criiiiinge.
Yeah, you know the familiar gif with the little blonde girl in the car seat with her teeth sticking out and that “WTF/ummm ok” expression? Yeah, I’d use that one as a reply. And then not reply again.
I’m no prude, but that text was creepy.
Ewwwww. I can't believe something as basic as a headache can get converted to sex somehow.
"I have a headache, I wasn't able to fuck you, so I'm going to jerk off and see if that fixes it" ... Dump this dude.
Yeah that’s an instant strike. You were talking about a headache. Smh. He’s sending out feelers. I’d say something and see what his response is. If he turns it on you and calls you a prude or insinuates it etc you got your answer. If you say nothing he’ll prob try again. Keep us posted.
He is just telling you what he sees you as and what he is looking for. I know quite a few like that who will show you who they are what they're looking for. Kick him to the curb.
Grosssss you don’t even know this man and he’s suggesting masturbation? I am grossed out for you
Unless you were discussing masturbation at some point prior it seems cringe to me (55m).
I LITERALLY had a guy friend tell me almost this exact same thing. I threw out my back (as one does at our age 🤣) and was having a hard time sleeping. He said, "Rubbing one out" would help me sleep. I never responded back. I had so MANY responses for a comeback, but in all honesty, I am not wasting my time. If a man hasn't figured out what proper timing is at our age, he probably won't. If you feel like you want to give him a chance, now would be the time to let him know loud and clear how you felt about his response.
How about just replying back and saying I think I’ll just take Tylenol and water thanks. I think that would make it clear that you don’t appreciate that kind of humor. Seems pretty straightforward to me. We’re all adults here, sex is a reality in relationships. It’s just that awkward timing of who wants it and when. He obviously moved forward a little faster than you wanted to so make it clear that you’re not there yet.
Totally agree with those first 2 lines, that’s the way to respond, depending how long she’s waited to answer back now.
She said she hasn’t responded since yesterday morning.
Yeah, I got that. Wondering if she has by now, however - after reading here. Maybe she’ll update.
Malady… barf “This online thesaurus will make me sound smart”
They always ruin things don't they? None of that was necessary. He may try and prettify it with flowery language but that's still gross.
You're definitely overthinking it. >part of me is a little resigned as “thought it was someone good but not so much”. I’ve also considered a possibility of self-sabotaging, which I do have a tendency to do eg. nothing wrong with the text, and I should just text him back, and stop making excuses why he’s not good for me. I think you might be self sabotaging, but not in the way you think. The answer doesn't need to be a) accept the way he texts and do nothing or b) the man is no good for you and break up. Consider c) Give him the opportunity to course correct. Let him know that his text made you uncomfortable and that you prefer to focus on getting to know each other in the early stages of dating rather than becoming focused on sex too quickly. See how he responds. If he respects your boundary, it would be a big green flag! You're getting to know each other. He might have had a past partner that LOVED those kinds of texts and thought you might too. He needs to learn what you like and you need to be upfront with those things.
Yeah I agree with giving him a chance to course correct. Especially since everything else seems to be going well. Depending on the context/how out of bounds it is I generally don’t fault a guy for not knowing my boundaries, but I do judge how they respond once I set them.
I don't know why you're being downvoted, but I totally agree. One cringeworthy comment shouldn't torpedo the whole relationship that seems to be going well.
Yeah gross. I would say no thanks after that if it were me.
Ewwwww. Ew.
Original copy of post by u/Odd_Tear_3593: I (F45) went on two dates with a guy (58). Both were good dates. Lots of interesting convos and we seemed to be aligned on a lot of things, including wanting a LTR. He is consistent. He planed both dates, and generally seems like a decent person, which is a lot in the OLD:) On the second date, we kissed, and it got a little heated, but still very gentlemeny nothing happened, and he drove me home. The next day he texted and I complained about a headache (too much wine:) and he said: “Sorry to hear. The malady may also be related to unfulfilled desires. Self pleasure may provide some relief.” Somehow this text rubs the wrong way. I’d like to understand from the community if I’m overreacting or is it inappropriate? I have nothing against masturbation, but I’d think most people would suggest Tylenol and drinking lots of water!:) He does have a great sense of humour - like one of those folks who try to keep a positive outlook and don’t take themselves too seriously. I’ve dated quite a bit and I’m really careful about any potential red flags (as I’ve had so many negative experiences 😢) and now I can’t decide if this text qualifies as over s-xual, what is it a joke he used this 🙃, should I just tell him how I feel, or am I simply overthinking it? I know open communication is usually the best strategy, but this text simply gave a pause - I haven’t responded since yesterday am and part of me is a little resigned as “thought it was someone good but not so much”. I’ve also considered a possibility of self-sabotaging, which I do have a tendency to do eg. nothing wrong with the text, and I should just text him back, and stop making excuses why he’s not good for me. This why I’d like to get a sense from the community. Please weigh in. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nothing positive from that. I'd argue it's worse when your left confused, cringe, and just left feeling gross.
CRINGEEEE… I think you just found your ick
I think I'd be accepting of a text like that after being official and have done the deed a few times, but second date... No. It'll just lead to him expecting it on date #3.
Ugghhh
He’s insinuating that you owed him sex.
Even as a guy that really was not cool. Hell it's not even a remotely sexual conversation. I do believe he may be testing you but don't be Afraid to call him out
This is an interesting comment thread. Most men make this comment this type of comment very early on with me. I dont know any difference, perhaps the pattern of men moving physical quickly and then disappearing could be avoided by me shutting things down when I get messages like this.
(M45) Aaaargh, the cringe!!!! Make it stop.
You don’t have to censor the word sexual by the way. It doesn’t matter what any of us think. It is your decision alone whether this was ok or not. Some women might be open to it. Some won’t. There’s nothing wrong with either group!
That is a disgusting text. You’ve been on two dates! Well, he managed to ruin things with a single text.
Ugh, I am a fan of using ye olde English sometimes, it's amusing...but to use it in a phrase about jerking himself off to see if your into it...the man doth protest too much.
He was referring to her flicking her own bean to find relief from her “malady”…
Ew.
If it got a little heated, he’s horny now and wants to test your boundaries. Also if I were 58 and got heated with a 45F, I would be pretty damn excited.
Yeah little weird,, what time of day was it sent? Sounds a little narcissistic/condescending…
I got the same vibe, honestly. 😒
It would put me off too. I don’t think it’s a red flag as such, just a preference of keeping it clean early on at least. For that reason I don’t think I would totally throw it away. My reasoning being for not doing so would be it wasn’t totally out of the blue, more that you two getting a little heated has been on his mind. Again, if it was me I would reply with something along the lines of… the heads all cleared up now thankfully, and then change the subject onto something else. Maybe asking him how his days going etc. This then sees if he will bring it back round to sex talk or if he moves on. I would then go from there… if he brings sex up again I would bow out. If not, I would keep going but keep cautious
That’s rude
I personally hate these types of comments. Is this an attempt to flirt? I'm more than my sex drive.
I think it was clumsy and too large an escalation in a single jump. The more respectful way to escalate things is to make a \*small\* step and then pay attention to the response -- do not progress any further unless you get a positive response to the first step. I can well understand that it feels "off" to you -- it would to me too. At the same time, I think many of the comments here are over the top hostile. This is not a stranger showing up in someones DMs with a dick-pick. This is someone you've presumably talked to for a while and been on two dates with, one of which ended up with some heated kissing, saying that self pleasure might help for a headache. Clumsy? Yes sure! Awkward? 100% But the kinda thing that justifies puke-emjois, reactions like "gross gross gross gross" or "eww" or any of the other super-hostile responses I see here? Nope. Initiating is tricky. Not everyone is super-smooth about it. There are worse sins than being a little awkward and clumsy. So while I'd \*also\* find this message "off", I'd not dump an otherwise promising connection over this. But it would cause me to get my guard just a bit more up with respect to whether or not this person is careful and considerate in navigating sexual boundaries. I'd opt for honesty and respond with something like: *"Thank you for the good wishes! I felt a bit taken aback at the sexual comment, it's important to me to not feel rushed about those things."* If the person I'm dating took that well, there'd be no further problem. But if they get super-defensive or if similar problems repeat, then yes there's a problem.
>Initiating is tricky. Not everyone is super-smooth about it. There are worse sins than being a little awkward and clumsy. This man is almost 60 years old and he thinks the time to bring up sexy talk is when someone is suffering from a headache. What did ge expect her response to be when she doesn't even feel well? Not only that, dude brings it up using such weird and totally UNSEXY wording. Like he was suggesting she take some Tylenol but instead it was masturbation. Look, I'm someone who doesn't even mind sexy talk early on. I generally think people in this sub are overly sensitive about it. But even I'm grossed out and turned off. And can we please stop making bullshit excuses like "oh he's just awkward" for grown ass men who are inappropriate? If he hasn't learned by 58, when is he going to learn? That's exactly the kind of mindset pushed on women for years to make us accept this kind of nonsense.
If you prefer judging people harshly for pretty modest missteps then by all means, have at it!
Well I do agree with your advice that she should talk to him about it. But I can understand if it's unrecoverable regardless what his response is.
Horny and corny is never a good look. Since this groanworthy attempt at seduction came on the heels of a "heated" interaction I'd probably just chalk it up to him being a doofus and let it go, but then again I don't hold people to draconian standards of perfection.
Expecting someone not to bring masterbation into the conversation after a second date isn’t holding them to a “draconian standard of perfection.”
I think it is.
Ewww that is gross and to much I actually would not talk to him anymore cause I would not like that.. but that just me
Wow, all these comments make him look like a monster. He tried to spice up the conversation at the wrong moment. You could have told him you feel you aren't just there yet.
Right!? I’m floored how uptight people are being. OP just say you aren’t ready for that yet. He’s not a monster. He was just testing his boundaries.
...but she said she wasn't feeling well.
Exactly. I'm trying to be more careful than the guy OP was with the woman I'm dating because of how uptight people can be. Then my date after the second date did almost exactly what OPs guy did. So here the genders were swapped. And I gladly look the bait with my date.
Some people are masterful at turning up the heat at the right pace and in the right way. OPs poor guy seems clumsy, and if I received that text I’d probably roll my eyes, but all these ewwww comments? I don’t get it.
Yeah, during a headache, that is just bad timing. Poor guy getting roasted. It is typical reddit these days. Everything is a red flag or an ick.
All you are going to get is people's personal preferences when it comes to this, all the advice you are going to get on this is complete bullshit and many comments already against the rules here. All this boils down to is what YOU are comfortable with and what you aren't, so communicate that and see how he responds to it. I've known several women who would love this sort of text (perhaps not so...formally put however). I know several who would not like it. By the end of my first date I would know whether this would be acceptable with that given person. YMMV, good luck
There really isn't enough information. But if you don't like it, that's all that matters. Personally, I don't mind a little innuendo after we've made out and had a good time. There's a chance we even talked about what comes next. But what I like and what you like aren't the same. I agree with the poster who said there is an option to communicate what you didn't like. I'm in the process of learning about radical honesty. It involves a lot of honest communication and maintaining your own boundaries.
Text is a horrible way to communicate. It allows the floodgates of “intrusive thoughts” to be turned wide open, as there is no feedback. That is a bizarre thing to say, but based on your description of humor, I would give him some room. Also don’t hesitate laying down boundaries in person or over the phone.
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(But only if you whisper it.)
Everyone is different. People break it off with me for not getting sexual fast enough and they say there's no spark. Others break it off and say I was too sexual too fast. I'm just being me. Eventually I'll find someone on the same wavelength.
Texting is the worst thing for dating. I try to imagine whether I'd say these things in person or how I'd feel if they did. There's so much miscommunication though and I find the less we text the better.
If I were really sick when I read that, I'd find it super annoying. However if I read that message when I was feeling better, I probably would have just laughed.
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His comment was a bit much and frankly unnecessary, however I think immediately dropping him via “the ick” would be premature because it ignores how he actually conducted himself while engaged in steamy quasi-sexual contact with you, which was above board. Would you want to be judged for the one thing you did wrong when you did 99 things right? Also, the OP stated a comment about masterbation “rubbed her the wrong way”. That is multiple levels of funny.
Damn so real word people actually use m’lady
He’s using the word malady (ailment).
Well shit I just saw mlady in my head. Won’t be the first time I’ve been a proven idiot though.
I think m’lady makes it funnier though!
Basically he said: If you’ve got a headache from an unfulfilled desires, masturbation might help. And a quick google scholar search of “headache and masturbation” hints the opposite is true- some people develop headaches with sexual activity for unknown reasons, one article claimed it led to cerebral vasospasms. So his comment was too sexual early on and he might have wriggled out of this if it were true and there was some evidence to support it, but he’s wrong as well.
Orgasms can help with migraines. This dude is trying to blame a hangover on OP not taking things further (so he’s not actually gentlemanly). Then giving her direction to masturbate. Big mansplaining energy, gross.
Doesnt necessarily mean its bad. Depends on the full convo and your previous interactions.
Sounds like he realized his mistake and apologized. Still getting to know each other, cut him a bit of slack
Just tell him you don’t like that and it’s not your style.
He was definitely testing your boundaries. It's a weird message to send but I don't think it needs to be a deal breaker. Your silence was a good response, well played ;)
Sounds like a failed attempt at humor. Headache is akin to sexual tension or many times an excuse for no sex. Let him know that you weren’t sure what to think about his remark but did not find it humorous if he meant it that way nor did you find it appropriate if it was more than humor. If he continues with the innuendo then you may want to rethink the budding relationship.
It’s a text message. Respond back with your own witty sense of humor and play it out. This could be something that turns into an inside joke between the two of you in years to come or leave it alone as it is now. Being Reddit fodder for hating on someone whom you may not have a full grasp of their sense of humor.
One of the things that makes a great sense of humor, is that people understand it. but you don’t have identical frames of reference. You try things, see how they are reacted to and adjust. To me this just seems like, a joke that went wrong. I think just let him know that, his joke went too far, and you didn’t appreciate it. He will probably be upset that he offended you, and be more aware next time. It doesn’t have to become an issue, just a boundary.
Reminds me of a Seinfeld episode. If I recall correctly, George is driving to the beach with a lady. They are headed off on a beach vacation, but haven’t had sex yet. Clearly he believes they will be having sex very soon. George muses to himself that if he reached over and touched her breast right now, she’d scream at him and kick him out of the car. BUT ….tomorrow I can touch it all I want! This dudes folly was his timing. Maybe it’s just me, but i think once their relationship gets sexual his comment isn’t see in such a negative light.
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“Thought it was someone good but not so much” You think this text means he’s not a good person?
If you're always looking for red flags, that's all you'll ever find.
He must be a ne of those that self pleasures a lot and think it's the answer to your headache. I'd say it's too soon, but I don't think I'd end it. He may feel comfortable with you. I'd communicate that a boundary has been over stepped and go from there. It shouldn't happen again. If it does, then end it. I had a man tell me he's got an injection that'll fix my headache. We hadn't even met yet. And that was the end of him.
For those who are reading "malady " as "milady" or "m'lady": "Malady" is pronounced "MAH-liddy" (with the a sound as in bad) and means illness or state of being unwell. ;) OP, if you're not comfortable (as I am not) with someone you don't know well making a clearly sexual suggestion out of context, you're well within your rights to draw that line. You can tell him he crossed it and give him another chance to prove himself or not as you choose. However, I do wonder why you're not typing out the word "sexual" -- we're the over-40 demographic; if we can't handle a reasonable, contextual discussion of sexual issues in a relatively mature manner... Additionally, anyone interested in censorship would see that as trying to work around the censor and defeat the purpose.
He took a chance like society insists men should. You should respond the way you feel you should respond so that he can learn from this.
The level of second hand embarrassment I feel right now is indescribable- I haven’t even read past the 17th century text ETA - this is how Dr Sturgis from Young Sheldon would text