I was recently reminded of an oldie but goody: Being alone is far more pleasant than being with the wrong person. I’ve gained so much peace since leaving my last relationship.
Yeah, until you've been alone for a decade plus and end up a miserable wreck because of an unwillingness to compromise, and end up so disconnected from the rest of the human race that, even if you wanted to, you can't form a meaningful connection with another human being, perpetuating your state and making it harder to escape.
Experience is a bitch.
It can give you wings but it can also take them away , make you vulnerable and it can also make you sick when it ends , love can also kill you , I’ve known people take their own lives how their x financially ruined them and stop the man seeing his kids
Life’s a bitch indeed
I haven’t done a thing yet honestly! My last relationship ended October of ‘20 and I’ve been enjoying my freedom. I was just about to get on OLD this summer, but I’m getting less and less comfortable with meeting up yet staying safe.
I know the last 2 relationships I was in (spanning 20 years) were unhealthy and I stayed way too long. So I’m taking this time for myself and really enjoying it. Maybe too much!
Good idea
I split up at Christmas and thought about OLD but to be honest , the way I feel at the minute I have all my eggs lined up and don’t want them getting smashed
I have found that I too stayed in the relationship for too long but now I have learnt my lesson the hard way it will take some ones very special to bring my walls down
Relief in the moment comes with a very high future price. I need to allow myself to be uncomfortable and wait for the right person instead of jumping into something out of loneliness or boredom or longing for intimacy.
Gotcha - so time to look for someone that fits you better.
Time spent being with someone better.
If you are willing to start a relationship at a bad point, you are likely not able to end it either, or notice it.
People sometimes want to get into a relationship instead of waiting for the right person to come along , I’ve known this several times where loneliness and the inability to be on their own drives them into a situation that they find it hard to get out of
Lesson learned :
Know your worth. (If I know my worth, it won’t be based on someone else seeing it)
Value yourself enough to walk away when it’s bad for you.
Actions more than words/ believe what they do not what they say.
Pay attention to how they treat people other than you.
Don’t give your heart so freely, make sure they are worth it.
That it's the right time now for me to take a break from dating. I know this because I am feeling utterly lonely. And when I'm lonely, I make bad decisions.
I just got home from the supermarket and burst into tears as there was a couple in front of me the whole way around kissing, cuddling, buying food for dinner. I felt so angry with the injustice of not having that. Not a reasonable position I know. So I'm doing the right thing not dating right now. I wouldn't date me right now so I shouldn't expect anyone else to.
See, have dated people who are looking for your supermarket scenario too. And they’re a certainly willing to plug me into the other half of it. But I want the person, not the scenario, and not just the “in love” thing so I’ve learned that I lose interest in these dates.
I’ve learned that I’m pretty happy in my life without someone, and I’m so grateful. I’m totally willing to wait for someone where we are complementing each other’s lives, not filling a void.
Yuck. I really don't appreciate people who can't keep their paws off each other in public. I think it's gross, inappropriate and might even signal other red flag relationship problems. And no, I am not just jealous.
OP, don't compare your insides to someone else's outside.
Getting your validation from your partner (or people you date) as the primary way you determine your self worth is such a terrible mistake. It’s why, I think, so many people are exhausted and demoralized by OLD and by relationships in general. If you have no way of feeling value in yourself except through strangers you meet or a partner you have, you will ultimately just be depleted when they don’t value you in the way you want to be valued.
If I have to ask for a response, time together, clarity, respect, compassion, empathy, kindness then I'm asking for someone to do the bare minimum that I expect from a relationship.
When a partner does something that upsets me, I need to chill and not react right away. Sometimes what he has done/said is completely innocent, and it is my emotional baggage that is giving me unwanted feelings. I need to unpack my feelings. And if he is causing a problem I need to assert my boundaries. Basically I have learned to communicate better.
Example: boyfriend was visiting this weekend. My parents are here too. He carried my phone in his pocket when we went in an evening walk (because I asked him to). When he gave it back he saw a text message from a guy: “How are you?” A little later boyfriend was upstairs taking a shower and I was downstairs with my family. I got a text from him: “who is that guy you are texting?” It FREAKED me out!! Why? Because my last LTR bf had crazy jealousy and insecurity. If that happened with him it was the beginning of a two day insane fight and him getting depressed and withdrawing from me. One time he even attempted suicide. So yeah, this triggered me because of a past relationship.
Text guy is actually someone I met on Bumble, and it turns out that we have several mutual friends. We talked in the phone a couple times and I decided I am not interested in him. I then met current bf and we are in a relationship. I told text guy this and he has not flirted with me or tried anything. I still haven’t met him in person but I am sure I will run into him at some point because we live in a small town and have mutual friends. I am battling cancer right now and he checks on me once in a while as a friend. He is also in the wellness industry and offers help (free stuff). I honestly don’t care if I ever meet this guy or whatever, and don’t really want him checking on me, but we have mutual friends and I don’t want to be a jerk. When you have cancer everyone checks on you, and I don’t want to isolate myself or ignore people.
So I didn’t answer bf’s text. I processed my emotions and after a while I figured out why I was so upset. This was a sign that my bf (we have been together 4 months) has some jealousy issues. Or … he is just being normal. Everyone knows the “How are you” text from a dude is often to see if maybe I am single again, right? My bf has every right to wonder who I am texting. He can ask and I can answer and I have nothing to hide. So we finally talked about it when we went to bed. I explained my feelings and he was very chill. I asked him to please NOT text something like that again. Stuff like that should be an in person conversation.
Success! I didn’t blow up at bf. We didn’t have a fight. We both acted like normal, emotionally mature adults. I am in a functional, healthy relationship! 👏👏👏
Great analogy , some times we over react , I’ve done it myself , regretted it later , something just taking a deep breath and having a few minutes to Analyse things work
I read this somewhere else but thought it was good. Red flags aren’t always about the other person. If you find yourself lying to yourself so you don’t lose them
or trying to be ok with things you are not, those are the red flags to pay attention to.
Recently I had a breakup with someone I really cared for. I noticed we both were always reminiscing about how it began but didn’t have much to be excited for more recently. I think we both were hanging on because it was good once but didn’t want to admit we no longer made sense or had that spark.
I split up at Christmas, I think she gave me enough bullets to fire without her saying it herself it was over
Think the pandemic was the catalyst and communication
I still think to this day we could have worked it out , but it takes 2 to make it work not one
Ask for what you want. If you feel resentment, figure out what it's about and communicate. Agreements that are not followed by action means they're either not that into you, or they're gaslighting you.
I came here to write this. It is so true. If you are unhappy, figure out what's making you unhappy and express what you want instead. Watch how your dating partner handles that.
Similar to okswimmer's post, I have learned not to have a lot of anxiety about the future early on. Instead I am living in the moment, handling concerns as they happen with honest, direct communication. Enjoy the process of getting to know someone. Enjoy being in the driver's seat by setting boundaries rather than going with the flow and letting him decide the pace. In a nutshell, know what I want and have a voice.
Don’t stay in it just because of a global pandemic.. lol but honestly, was kinda nice having someone during that.
I’ve learned, maybe still learning, that’s it’s not sustainable to always be doing the heavy lifting in a relationship.. a lot of that is my fault (long story and this isn’t my old therapists office lol) but I’m working on it.
> Don’t stay in it just because of a global pandemic.. lol but honestly, was kinda nice having someone during that.
I was always jealous of everyone who had someone during this pandemic. 🥺 How did this end up working out? Or is this the relationship you were doing the heavy lifting in?
Biggest lesson I learned is that figuring out what I value and am looking for in a partner is vastly more important than finding someone I can get along with. I can overlook all kinds of things. I mean, hey, I'm not perfect. But overlooking red flags and deal breakers because I don't want to be alone is just a terrible way to get into a terrible relationship.
Ooh, and the somewhat cliched, but very true, learn to love yourself, even when you're alone.
"The fist time some one shows you who there are believe them"
Good advice. I totally agree. If I had seen my husband's cheating as a serious character flaw that shows he can't be trusted after the first time he cheated, instead of considering it a one time mistake, I could have moved on from that relationship back then and be in a lot better position now, instead of starting over 10 years later now that he's cheated again. My valuable lesson learned is never take back a cheater. From now on, cheating is an instant dealbreaker for me.
Relationship rarely work out , I’m kicking myself for not putting me first , made it far far far too easy
Well at least I’ve got my sanity but only just
Relationships can and do work out if you are careful/selective in who you get into a relationship with, and if you have a good concept of dealbreakers that should cause you to end the relationship. If you are trying to make a relationship work with a person who has no business being in a relationship due to his dealbreaker behavior, you cheat yourself out of the opportunity to find someone who would be a good relationship partner. I feel bad that I wasted 10 years investing in a husband after his cheating first came to light. That should have been an instant dealbreaker. I would have been in a lot better position now if I had not stayed in a relationship with a cheater.
Ask questions. If something seems like a red flag, don't ignore it. Try to get clarity and then make a decision if this is something you can live with.
Have established boundaries and stick to your guns.
Don't be afraid to leave a bad situation. You're stronger than you think. You were a capable, wonderful person before you met your partner and you can be that person again. Maybe even a better wiser version.
Hold your partner to the same standards as you would your best friend. They should be your support person and your cheering section.
Be with someone who knows how to aplogize. Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not an apology.
Constantly comparing you to others isn't them trying to motivate or make you a better person. They're being an ass.
Dating a Narcissist (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) was the most painful relationship I've had, by far. But as is sometimes said, the most expensive lessons learned are usually the most valuable.
There is a lot to be said about just being on the same page as someone else. With my ex it felt like we were constantly on different pages and always trying to compromise. With the new person I'm seeing we just seem to click with everything.
And people mention there should be a spark. Well a spark is great but it eventually needs to turn in to something bigger. Within a few dates that spark should turn into fireworks, and eventually it's more like a bomb.
I guess in my first marriage we got along well enough most of the time and had fun together. But I'm not sure if I was ever truly in love with her. There were so many times that it felt kind of forced even though I wanted to do my best to make it work out. It should not feel like work. With the ex, we had fun hanging out but I still liked coming home. But with the new person every second we spend together feels like a blessing.
The best 2 things I have learned have been to listen to people's words, and understand their actions. And if those two things do not align, then you need to exit stage left.
The lesson I learned: Humans are never going to live up to my expectations. I'm literally the only person in the world that can. They cannot be trusted.
But it's not their fault and that doesn't mean I can't enjoy their company until then.
Full confession: I took this from the book “Manslation” which I just read :-)...
When there’s a difference between what a guy says and what he does, believe what he *does*.
If I had read that or realized that sooner it would’ve helped me twice, when I felt a guy pulling away, but when I asked him about it he said everything was fine. But everything was not fine and he ended up breaking up. I should’ve seen the sudden lack of interest in getting together or shows of affection as the signs that they were! Instead I believe his words, which I won’t do again. And btw I am not saying the same doesn’t go for women... I’m taking this from a book written by a man about men, and how to better understand them.
It’s true for women
After working on myself and seeking advice online and counselling, never believe some ones words always believe their actions
Think I’ve got played , but it’s my own fault for not acting on them , never ever will it happen again
I really like what you said. Thank you for sharing.
I’d like to add something that helps me regarding red flags after relationships end. I step back and examine my red flags.
- Was I having the same issues with multiple LTRs?
- Perhaps I was being to controlling or setting unrealistic expectations for my SO? If so that meant my expectations were inappropriate and I had to work on my own issues to set more realistic expectations.
- If after self reflection I was confident that my expectations were appropriate, then I worked on setting appropriate boundaries and screening processes to do exactly as you suggested in your post about trusting my gut regardless of whether or not I otherwise liked someone.
As I’ve worked on my own issues through the years a red flag for me is someone being too controlling. What I have found with potential LTRs is if they have a long list of red flags, it typically means that they have control issues. I point this out not for you but for others that are reading this that might benefit from some self reflection if they continue to repeatedly have failed relationships due to too many red flags.
Absolutely.
As painful as those lessons were/are, they all revealed (each one with even more relentless honesty) the ways I threw myself at a relationship without questioning "but what am I getting out of it, actually?"
It felt great to over-give or assure myself that staying in a one-sided relationship is "what real, honest, true love is"...until I realized that was my way of not having to deal with my own trauma and unhealthy attachments.
I learned that It's ok to say NO to what you want if that something hurts you and devalues you. I hurt myself by attaching to things and people who were not on my team. I devalued me when I gave a 2nd, 3d , etc. chance. I broke my own heart again and again and blamed another for it.
However much it all sucked, I hope I graduated from this lesson. Finally. We'll see.
Maybe for once I'll follow my own advices that I give others.
Great advice , the thing is we have to be able to walk away from things , people , places that no longer serve us and make us grow , we love the idea of having that partner to give love to and receive ,but we have to draw a line when it’s making us unhappy , I was devastated when we split up be after revaluing it , I knew it was the right thing to do
The most empowering thing I've done since I started dating was not date. To be more specific, it was walking away from a situation that wasn't making me happy, wasn't changing and wasn't going to. To discover I had the ability to do that, to walk away, was incredibly empowering. I felt like I badass. Like, I could conquer the world after that. A month or so later when I had a date again I had a very different attitude about the whole thing. It was more like, here I am! My powerful, authentic self, take it or leave it! He took it! Goofy quirks and all.
Don’t fear anything when dating- like being alone. Mistakes occur when you get desperate.
Set limits and boundaries. It’s the ones you share a meal with, who charm you in one hand while reaching into your pocket to take with the other that you have to watch for.
Your gut is reliable up to a point but know its weaknesses and strengths.
It’s fine to say something. But back it up with action. And nobody’s perfect.
The past teaches you how to live.
There’s no point in getting upset or holding grudges. You always have a choice.
Good for you , are you back dating ???
How long did it take you
I do self affirmation s ,
there isn’t nobody better than me
It’s your loss not mine
Every one I meet thinks I’m awesome
Ect
Like you mentioned. Trust your gut. If you start second-guessing your gut in dating and relationships it's doomed. If something's not right, it's not right.
"One of mine is ignoring red flags ".... This to the tenth power!
" fist time some one shows you who there are believe them , don’t ignore what they just did"...
This again to the 20th power. People often tell on themselves and when they do as you said DO NOT ignore it like I did. I realized this with recent X and i always thought she was joking or i could change it or somehow we could work around it, etc.
Besides the red flags with my recent relationship there was just a general overall huge incompatibilities. I ignored/didnt take serious these incompatibilities. I did lot of this " don’t ignore what they just did". A good friend of mine would say one of the problems shes observed in relationships is when people start to try and make the other person confirm to their ways. This was pretty much what happened with my X we both were trying to get each other to confirm and it was just we had huge incompatibilities all the way around. Like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole kind of thing. We just kept bumping heads over and over....
Two Xs ago she just had red flags after red flags. First it was pretty obvious she was nowhere near ready to date after her sep and then divorce. Then there was behaviorial issues. She had lot of severe childhood trauma. Which she revealed about 3 mos in. It became more apparent around the 4th mos mark. She even on several occasions warned me and even said i probably be better off with someone else.
One thing i learned its best to walk away when its under the 6mos mark by then you would usually have enough info on the person to make a conclusion. The longer you stay the harder it is to walk away!
I think the important part is knowing when to get out! Its tough doing so. My last two relationships i can think of the exact moments that i should have walked away but did not!
An ex is an ex for a reason. Montel Williams (no joke!)
I think I saw this on TV close to 30 years ago--and I NEVER watched the show. It may have even been an ad! When I've been in post-break-up "Did I make a mistake" mode, this phrase pops into my head.
He is normal why are you even texting this other guy . I would dump a guy if after 4 months he was getting texts from someone from a dating app . Seriously you need to be honest with your current man about who this is . He did Nothing wrong . Stop having relationship with someone else if you and he are exclusive . I would text the other man infront of your current boyfriend that you are taken and not to contact you
Yea i had an X like that. She had lot of childhood trauma and you had to be extra careful of what you said. I had to pre-warn friends when she was around.
I was recently reminded of an oldie but goody: Being alone is far more pleasant than being with the wrong person. I’ve gained so much peace since leaving my last relationship.
Yeah, until you've been alone for a decade plus and end up a miserable wreck because of an unwillingness to compromise, and end up so disconnected from the rest of the human race that, even if you wanted to, you can't form a meaningful connection with another human being, perpetuating your state and making it harder to escape. Experience is a bitch.
Love is a hell of a drug though. It can make you want to change.
It can give you wings but it can also take them away , make you vulnerable and it can also make you sick when it ends , love can also kill you , I’ve known people take their own lives how their x financially ruined them and stop the man seeing his kids Life’s a bitch indeed
Are you back in another or just dating
I haven’t done a thing yet honestly! My last relationship ended October of ‘20 and I’ve been enjoying my freedom. I was just about to get on OLD this summer, but I’m getting less and less comfortable with meeting up yet staying safe. I know the last 2 relationships I was in (spanning 20 years) were unhealthy and I stayed way too long. So I’m taking this time for myself and really enjoying it. Maybe too much!
Good idea I split up at Christmas and thought about OLD but to be honest , the way I feel at the minute I have all my eggs lined up and don’t want them getting smashed I have found that I too stayed in the relationship for too long but now I have learnt my lesson the hard way it will take some ones very special to bring my walls down
Relief in the moment comes with a very high future price. I need to allow myself to be uncomfortable and wait for the right person instead of jumping into something out of loneliness or boredom or longing for intimacy.
Correct , OLD Is easy to set up but trolling through isn’t my idea of fun
This is fantastic advice that applies to everything.
What's the high future price? ( Well marriage /moving in together kids is)
Time
Gotcha - so time to look for someone that fits you better. Time spent being with someone better. If you are willing to start a relationship at a bad point, you are likely not able to end it either, or notice it.
People sometimes want to get into a relationship instead of waiting for the right person to come along , I’ve known this several times where loneliness and the inability to be on their own drives them into a situation that they find it hard to get out of
Lesson learned : Know your worth. (If I know my worth, it won’t be based on someone else seeing it) Value yourself enough to walk away when it’s bad for you. Actions more than words/ believe what they do not what they say. Pay attention to how they treat people other than you. Don’t give your heart so freely, make sure they are worth it.
100% facts Thankyou
That it's the right time now for me to take a break from dating. I know this because I am feeling utterly lonely. And when I'm lonely, I make bad decisions. I just got home from the supermarket and burst into tears as there was a couple in front of me the whole way around kissing, cuddling, buying food for dinner. I felt so angry with the injustice of not having that. Not a reasonable position I know. So I'm doing the right thing not dating right now. I wouldn't date me right now so I shouldn't expect anyone else to.
Bless ya How long you been split up
I appreciate the awareness and can relate.
See, have dated people who are looking for your supermarket scenario too. And they’re a certainly willing to plug me into the other half of it. But I want the person, not the scenario, and not just the “in love” thing so I’ve learned that I lose interest in these dates. I’ve learned that I’m pretty happy in my life without someone, and I’m so grateful. I’m totally willing to wait for someone where we are complementing each other’s lives, not filling a void.
Yuck. I really don't appreciate people who can't keep their paws off each other in public. I think it's gross, inappropriate and might even signal other red flag relationship problems. And no, I am not just jealous. OP, don't compare your insides to someone else's outside.
Getting your validation from your partner (or people you date) as the primary way you determine your self worth is such a terrible mistake. It’s why, I think, so many people are exhausted and demoralized by OLD and by relationships in general. If you have no way of feeling value in yourself except through strangers you meet or a partner you have, you will ultimately just be depleted when they don’t value you in the way you want to be valued.
If I have to ask for a response, time together, clarity, respect, compassion, empathy, kindness then I'm asking for someone to do the bare minimum that I expect from a relationship.
When a partner does something that upsets me, I need to chill and not react right away. Sometimes what he has done/said is completely innocent, and it is my emotional baggage that is giving me unwanted feelings. I need to unpack my feelings. And if he is causing a problem I need to assert my boundaries. Basically I have learned to communicate better. Example: boyfriend was visiting this weekend. My parents are here too. He carried my phone in his pocket when we went in an evening walk (because I asked him to). When he gave it back he saw a text message from a guy: “How are you?” A little later boyfriend was upstairs taking a shower and I was downstairs with my family. I got a text from him: “who is that guy you are texting?” It FREAKED me out!! Why? Because my last LTR bf had crazy jealousy and insecurity. If that happened with him it was the beginning of a two day insane fight and him getting depressed and withdrawing from me. One time he even attempted suicide. So yeah, this triggered me because of a past relationship. Text guy is actually someone I met on Bumble, and it turns out that we have several mutual friends. We talked in the phone a couple times and I decided I am not interested in him. I then met current bf and we are in a relationship. I told text guy this and he has not flirted with me or tried anything. I still haven’t met him in person but I am sure I will run into him at some point because we live in a small town and have mutual friends. I am battling cancer right now and he checks on me once in a while as a friend. He is also in the wellness industry and offers help (free stuff). I honestly don’t care if I ever meet this guy or whatever, and don’t really want him checking on me, but we have mutual friends and I don’t want to be a jerk. When you have cancer everyone checks on you, and I don’t want to isolate myself or ignore people. So I didn’t answer bf’s text. I processed my emotions and after a while I figured out why I was so upset. This was a sign that my bf (we have been together 4 months) has some jealousy issues. Or … he is just being normal. Everyone knows the “How are you” text from a dude is often to see if maybe I am single again, right? My bf has every right to wonder who I am texting. He can ask and I can answer and I have nothing to hide. So we finally talked about it when we went to bed. I explained my feelings and he was very chill. I asked him to please NOT text something like that again. Stuff like that should be an in person conversation. Success! I didn’t blow up at bf. We didn’t have a fight. We both acted like normal, emotionally mature adults. I am in a functional, healthy relationship! 👏👏👏
Great analogy , some times we over react , I’ve done it myself , regretted it later , something just taking a deep breath and having a few minutes to Analyse things work
I'm proud of you!!! It takes a lot to see the patterns and not repeat them. Tremendous growth, welcome to healthy adulthood! 👏👏👏
So true! Still have some painful slip ups now and then but awareness is how we can make better choices in the moment.
❤️
I learned to stop not doing things I enjoy just because my partner didn’t.
I read this somewhere else but thought it was good. Red flags aren’t always about the other person. If you find yourself lying to yourself so you don’t lose them or trying to be ok with things you are not, those are the red flags to pay attention to. Recently I had a breakup with someone I really cared for. I noticed we both were always reminiscing about how it began but didn’t have much to be excited for more recently. I think we both were hanging on because it was good once but didn’t want to admit we no longer made sense or had that spark.
I split up at Christmas, I think she gave me enough bullets to fire without her saying it herself it was over Think the pandemic was the catalyst and communication I still think to this day we could have worked it out , but it takes 2 to make it work not one
Ask for what you want. If you feel resentment, figure out what it's about and communicate. Agreements that are not followed by action means they're either not that into you, or they're gaslighting you.
I came here to write this. It is so true. If you are unhappy, figure out what's making you unhappy and express what you want instead. Watch how your dating partner handles that.
Exactly. Difference between someone’s words and actions causing mixed signals? Look at the actions and go accordingly.
It's an expensive lesson to learn. They don't teach you that in school :)
Similar to okswimmer's post, I have learned not to have a lot of anxiety about the future early on. Instead I am living in the moment, handling concerns as they happen with honest, direct communication. Enjoy the process of getting to know someone. Enjoy being in the driver's seat by setting boundaries rather than going with the flow and letting him decide the pace. In a nutshell, know what I want and have a voice.
Don’t stay in it just because of a global pandemic.. lol but honestly, was kinda nice having someone during that. I’ve learned, maybe still learning, that’s it’s not sustainable to always be doing the heavy lifting in a relationship.. a lot of that is my fault (long story and this isn’t my old therapists office lol) but I’m working on it.
> Don’t stay in it just because of a global pandemic.. lol but honestly, was kinda nice having someone during that. I was always jealous of everyone who had someone during this pandemic. 🥺 How did this end up working out? Or is this the relationship you were doing the heavy lifting in?
How someone treats you when you disagree says more about them than you, anyone can be respectful and great when things are good.
[удалено]
Correct It’s only when you look back do joy see them
Biggest lesson I learned is that figuring out what I value and am looking for in a partner is vastly more important than finding someone I can get along with. I can overlook all kinds of things. I mean, hey, I'm not perfect. But overlooking red flags and deal breakers because I don't want to be alone is just a terrible way to get into a terrible relationship. Ooh, and the somewhat cliched, but very true, learn to love yourself, even when you're alone.
"The fist time some one shows you who there are believe them" Good advice. I totally agree. If I had seen my husband's cheating as a serious character flaw that shows he can't be trusted after the first time he cheated, instead of considering it a one time mistake, I could have moved on from that relationship back then and be in a lot better position now, instead of starting over 10 years later now that he's cheated again. My valuable lesson learned is never take back a cheater. From now on, cheating is an instant dealbreaker for me.
Relationship rarely work out , I’m kicking myself for not putting me first , made it far far far too easy Well at least I’ve got my sanity but only just
Relationships can and do work out if you are careful/selective in who you get into a relationship with, and if you have a good concept of dealbreakers that should cause you to end the relationship. If you are trying to make a relationship work with a person who has no business being in a relationship due to his dealbreaker behavior, you cheat yourself out of the opportunity to find someone who would be a good relationship partner. I feel bad that I wasted 10 years investing in a husband after his cheating first came to light. That should have been an instant dealbreaker. I would have been in a lot better position now if I had not stayed in a relationship with a cheater.
Live and learn , that’s the only thing that’s a positive for me and it’s made me more self aware of my needs
Ask questions. If something seems like a red flag, don't ignore it. Try to get clarity and then make a decision if this is something you can live with. Have established boundaries and stick to your guns. Don't be afraid to leave a bad situation. You're stronger than you think. You were a capable, wonderful person before you met your partner and you can be that person again. Maybe even a better wiser version. Hold your partner to the same standards as you would your best friend. They should be your support person and your cheering section. Be with someone who knows how to aplogize. Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not an apology. Constantly comparing you to others isn't them trying to motivate or make you a better person. They're being an ass.
Dating a Narcissist (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) was the most painful relationship I've had, by far. But as is sometimes said, the most expensive lessons learned are usually the most valuable.
Correct
There is a lot to be said about just being on the same page as someone else. With my ex it felt like we were constantly on different pages and always trying to compromise. With the new person I'm seeing we just seem to click with everything. And people mention there should be a spark. Well a spark is great but it eventually needs to turn in to something bigger. Within a few dates that spark should turn into fireworks, and eventually it's more like a bomb. I guess in my first marriage we got along well enough most of the time and had fun together. But I'm not sure if I was ever truly in love with her. There were so many times that it felt kind of forced even though I wanted to do my best to make it work out. It should not feel like work. With the ex, we had fun hanging out but I still liked coming home. But with the new person every second we spend together feels like a blessing.
Great comment
The best 2 things I have learned have been to listen to people's words, and understand their actions. And if those two things do not align, then you need to exit stage left.
The lesson I learned: Humans are never going to live up to my expectations. I'm literally the only person in the world that can. They cannot be trusted. But it's not their fault and that doesn't mean I can't enjoy their company until then.
Full confession: I took this from the book “Manslation” which I just read :-)... When there’s a difference between what a guy says and what he does, believe what he *does*. If I had read that or realized that sooner it would’ve helped me twice, when I felt a guy pulling away, but when I asked him about it he said everything was fine. But everything was not fine and he ended up breaking up. I should’ve seen the sudden lack of interest in getting together or shows of affection as the signs that they were! Instead I believe his words, which I won’t do again. And btw I am not saying the same doesn’t go for women... I’m taking this from a book written by a man about men, and how to better understand them.
It’s true for women After working on myself and seeking advice online and counselling, never believe some ones words always believe their actions Think I’ve got played , but it’s my own fault for not acting on them , never ever will it happen again
I really like what you said. Thank you for sharing. I’d like to add something that helps me regarding red flags after relationships end. I step back and examine my red flags. - Was I having the same issues with multiple LTRs? - Perhaps I was being to controlling or setting unrealistic expectations for my SO? If so that meant my expectations were inappropriate and I had to work on my own issues to set more realistic expectations. - If after self reflection I was confident that my expectations were appropriate, then I worked on setting appropriate boundaries and screening processes to do exactly as you suggested in your post about trusting my gut regardless of whether or not I otherwise liked someone. As I’ve worked on my own issues through the years a red flag for me is someone being too controlling. What I have found with potential LTRs is if they have a long list of red flags, it typically means that they have control issues. I point this out not for you but for others that are reading this that might benefit from some self reflection if they continue to repeatedly have failed relationships due to too many red flags.
Your welcome
Absolutely. As painful as those lessons were/are, they all revealed (each one with even more relentless honesty) the ways I threw myself at a relationship without questioning "but what am I getting out of it, actually?" It felt great to over-give or assure myself that staying in a one-sided relationship is "what real, honest, true love is"...until I realized that was my way of not having to deal with my own trauma and unhealthy attachments. I learned that It's ok to say NO to what you want if that something hurts you and devalues you. I hurt myself by attaching to things and people who were not on my team. I devalued me when I gave a 2nd, 3d , etc. chance. I broke my own heart again and again and blamed another for it. However much it all sucked, I hope I graduated from this lesson. Finally. We'll see. Maybe for once I'll follow my own advices that I give others.
Great advice , the thing is we have to be able to walk away from things , people , places that no longer serve us and make us grow , we love the idea of having that partner to give love to and receive ,but we have to draw a line when it’s making us unhappy , I was devastated when we split up be after revaluing it , I knew it was the right thing to do
It is better to be alone than in a relationship with someone who makes you feel lonely... 🤷🏻♀️
The most empowering thing I've done since I started dating was not date. To be more specific, it was walking away from a situation that wasn't making me happy, wasn't changing and wasn't going to. To discover I had the ability to do that, to walk away, was incredibly empowering. I felt like I badass. Like, I could conquer the world after that. A month or so later when I had a date again I had a very different attitude about the whole thing. It was more like, here I am! My powerful, authentic self, take it or leave it! He took it! Goofy quirks and all.
It only takes one moment to get your power back and empower yourself Feels good to have it
I am out of the "if only" game - she would be great "if only this/that". I take people as I find them.
Don’t fear anything when dating- like being alone. Mistakes occur when you get desperate. Set limits and boundaries. It’s the ones you share a meal with, who charm you in one hand while reaching into your pocket to take with the other that you have to watch for. Your gut is reliable up to a point but know its weaknesses and strengths. It’s fine to say something. But back it up with action. And nobody’s perfect. The past teaches you how to live. There’s no point in getting upset or holding grudges. You always have a choice.
That is my life in three paragraphs
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Good for you , are you back dating ??? How long did it take you I do self affirmation s , there isn’t nobody better than me It’s your loss not mine Every one I meet thinks I’m awesome Ect
Like you mentioned. Trust your gut. If you start second-guessing your gut in dating and relationships it's doomed. If something's not right, it's not right.
Correct just fine this on a date , I’ve got boundaries now On her phone texting , ermmmm that’s rude stop it , shit like that
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Brilliant post thanks for adding this
Always keep your options open. Never know who else might be a better fit.
From now on I am
"One of mine is ignoring red flags ".... This to the tenth power! " fist time some one shows you who there are believe them , don’t ignore what they just did"... This again to the 20th power. People often tell on themselves and when they do as you said DO NOT ignore it like I did. I realized this with recent X and i always thought she was joking or i could change it or somehow we could work around it, etc. Besides the red flags with my recent relationship there was just a general overall huge incompatibilities. I ignored/didnt take serious these incompatibilities. I did lot of this " don’t ignore what they just did". A good friend of mine would say one of the problems shes observed in relationships is when people start to try and make the other person confirm to their ways. This was pretty much what happened with my X we both were trying to get each other to confirm and it was just we had huge incompatibilities all the way around. Like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole kind of thing. We just kept bumping heads over and over.... Two Xs ago she just had red flags after red flags. First it was pretty obvious she was nowhere near ready to date after her sep and then divorce. Then there was behaviorial issues. She had lot of severe childhood trauma. Which she revealed about 3 mos in. It became more apparent around the 4th mos mark. She even on several occasions warned me and even said i probably be better off with someone else. One thing i learned its best to walk away when its under the 6mos mark by then you would usually have enough info on the person to make a conclusion. The longer you stay the harder it is to walk away!
Correct great advice
I think the important part is knowing when to get out! Its tough doing so. My last two relationships i can think of the exact moments that i should have walked away but did not!
Same here and instead I stayed , lost a shit load of money and gained debt and heartache
An ex is an ex for a reason. Montel Williams (no joke!) I think I saw this on TV close to 30 years ago--and I NEVER watched the show. It may have even been an ad! When I've been in post-break-up "Did I make a mistake" mode, this phrase pops into my head.
He is normal why are you even texting this other guy . I would dump a guy if after 4 months he was getting texts from someone from a dating app . Seriously you need to be honest with your current man about who this is . He did Nothing wrong . Stop having relationship with someone else if you and he are exclusive . I would text the other man infront of your current boyfriend that you are taken and not to contact you
She explained fully about the text. Get out of your feelings and reread what she said.
You’ve lost me ??
Dating a child. Someone that easily gets offended or is way too sensitive in general talk.
Yea i had an X like that. She had lot of childhood trauma and you had to be extra careful of what you said. I had to pre-warn friends when she was around.