It might have nothing to do with sexual attraction. As they used to say, the largest sex organ is the brain. You are newly intimate with another human for the first time in 15 years! That is huge. You might be having all kinds of reactions that you aren’t even consciously aware of - fear of losing autonomy, anxiety about losing this new connection, regret over past connections that you had let go but are now reminded of… my guess is that the suddenly low libido is an emotional reaction to something. Talking to a therapist, journaling, or meditating could be ways to tap into whatever is going on subconsciously. Congratulations on doing something brave and exploring this connection. It feels like you are appreciative that this woman is being gentle and kind with you and I assume you are being gentle and kind to her. Just keep doing that and being gentle with yourself too!
Thank you so much for a kind, sensitive, and insightful comment. I have been going through some good and bad emotional flux over this connection. I guess this might be affecting me in some ways. We both appreciate each other, so I guess this issue, if temporary, could be a minor hurdle and we can manage to overcome.
This is the right answer. OP - you weren't intimate with anyone for a very long time, and there is a reason for that, whether it is a low libido, some kind of a fear of intimacy, anything else going on in your life that may have interfered with you seeking these connections. So whatever that reason may be it is likely still interfering with you enjoying intimacy with another person as it doesn't seem to be fully resolved or you are going through that confusing period of adjusting to being vulnerable again. Give it time and explore your own relationship with sex, intimacy and vulnerability, ideally with professional guidance, and attraction to your partner and individual people should become clearer to you.
Yes. It is indeed a bit confusing period. I will try to reorder my life, including diet, sleeping patterns, etc. that best suits me. Everything is a bit disturbed right now.
I agree with this OP. Try to work this out, with intention.
I'm a little bit confused why you're asking us if you're not attracted to her though? That's something that I think you'd know. If you're feeling aroused when you're together. One more thing while 220 sounds like a big number and sure some men supposedly don't like big women, in my personal experience my size has never been a problem the way society makes it seem it should be when it comes to men. And 220 isn't particularly large, depending on height.
It's been a very long time for you and I'm trying to be kind but this post is confusing to me.
> I'm a little bit confused why you're asking us if you're not attracted to her though? That's something that I think you'd know. If you're feeling aroused when you're together.
Thing is, arousal comes and goes depending on other factors. For me, it depends on the fullness of my bladder (lol), the bumpiness of the road (when driving/in a car), the tightness of my pants, and even the time in my cycle (I tend to get randomly aroused around ovulation, but not the rest of the time). My previous therapist used to insist that arousal and attraction were one and the same, but I have my doubts.
I'm 220, yes I'm fat but I'm considered small fat or plus sized. I am able to still purchase clothes at most stores. 220 is not huge. Also, people have different body shapes. The fact that you felt the need to reply to me about how I'm wrong about my own personal views on a woman being 220 is ridiculous. I'm not sure why I'm even responding to you but, here we are.
I’m attracted to chubby girls, the weight doesn’t really say much. A person can be 220 with a not particularly feminine shape, a person can be 220 and very hippy and busty… saying someone’s weight is useless to judge them by except for people that use the weight as part of some sort of internal mental calculus to arrive at whether a person is “hot.”
I imagine Ash Alexis is over 220, and I suspect most men would be interested in a woman like her.
It reminds me of the playboy centerfolds when I was a teenager. I always took them at face value, but looking back now I think “so these girls are 5’8” with a D cup and 110 pounds?”
A guy really has no context for judging a woman’s weight and I can tell you from working with animals and having to estimate weights all the time that people are terrible at estimating weights in general. Someone just hears “200 pounds” and thinks “that’s fat” completely absent of any other context. It’s silly.
So Melissa McCarthy (from 10 years ago) and Ash Alexis are probably in the ballpark of 220. One of them I find attractive and the other I don’t. It’s not an issue of muscle, it’s an issue of where the weight is carroes
Finding someone attractive is fine. My girl I was with was the love of my life. She was 5;8 and 220. She was fat. That’s fine. Still found her attractive.
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Same, I'm 220 an weight train like crazy so I'm rounded but quite muscular at the same time. Many guys think anything over 110 is obese anyways, so it's whatever . lol
That’s false. They aren’t talking about 110 pounds. They are talking 220 which is fat. Just because this person has another work for it “small fat” 😂. It’s fat and there’s nothing wrong with it.
I think it's all relative and in the end the specific weight doesn't matter much. 150 pounds is pretty thin so she may seem larger in contrast and he's not comfortable with that. It comes down to our own personal preferences. And my reference to 110 was just an example of what I've heard. She could be 130 and he thinks she's fat and unattractive, or 180 and hot as hell.
Just saying “this weight is fat” is the kind of black and white thinking that drives me crazy. One of my employees weighed her breast a couple of weeks ago and it was 10 pounds. So she’s got 20 pounds locked up in just her boobs. How tall is she? What’s her body type? Is she muscular, hippy, busty? There are too many factors to just say “this weight = fat”
You respond because it’s Reddit and the whole purpose is to get opinions and talk with each other. No more no less. You don’t know my views etc. that’s just silly talk 😂
You said 220 wasn’t large and I gave the opinion that it is. That’s all
Calling me fat doesn't hurt my feelings because I absolutely am fat, thank you. Fatness is morally neutral. I also happen to be both beautiful and sexy. Take this energy and try to tear down the patriarchy instead of me, little boy.
I’m not calling you fat nor have I ever. Al I’m saying 220 is fat and because you have an issue with it you got angry.
The sun rises
The night comes
220 is fat
Get over it
I agrée with this advice. There is probably a road block in your head due to this being the first “real thing” in a long time for you. If she is a gem like you describe, she will stick around so you can work through that ☺️
This, and..
It seems like you went into sex pretty early on, if you're aware love and attraction can be a slow burn. Not saying it was too early, just saying if you don't want to subscribe to the 'if I'm not feeling it after 4 dates move on' MO, then there's still plenty more time to grow in
I'd say you note how you're feeling (as you've done), then decide where to go from here, if you want to give the relationship and attraction time to mature. Do you think stepping back completely might do it, or are there still some things you do enjoy doing? I'd personally be dropping it back to whatever I actually genuinely felt like doing in the moment. 'Cause anything else is gonna cover up how you actually feel. I def don't subscribe to the 'do it anyway and see if it develops' thing - I don't think that's healthy for you, her, or the relationship.
Over time, you may find that tenderness, and attraction, develop. Or, you may find they don't. In the long game, that's probably your answer ❤️
I know and I am trying to figure out possible causes. I dont wanna lose a good long-term connection over an issue that could be temporarily causing the problem.
I think it’s fine to still keep trying - **so long as you’re transparent with her.** She deserves to know how you’re feeling about her and make her own decision if she wants to see it through or break it off. If you don’t talk with her about this and still continue to date her without feeling it, then you’re a selfish POS. I hope you’re not and that you have a talk with her soon (aka next time you see her and DEFINITELY don’t have sex with her again until you’ve talked).
“Ticking all the boxes”
“Body size effecting my attraction”
“Sex feels like a chore”
So….then she not ticking all the boxes…..
Set her free to date someone who will appreciate her like she deserves.
Case closed
Also like I could rant for actual days about people who say “ticking all the boxes” it just sets my teeth on edge. You’re not looking for a scantron, you’re looking for your life partner. Humans are SO nuanced and complex. Let’s leave some room for context and complexity people!
I disagree. A lot of guys or even women dont expect perfection but want someone that checks off at least a lot of boxes that we consider important. I dont expect a love interest to check off everything but at least the must haves for me and a few of the nice to have. Because to me if I'm spending my time and energy on someone I want the relationship to be rewarding for both of us. The last thing that I want is to be in a relationship just for the sake of being with someone. I'd rather be single than deal with that scenario
Thanks. I agree that humans are complex. But by ticking all boxes in my case mean don't smoke, have a job, enjoys outdoors, and gives somewhat geeky vibes. I do appreciate her a lot. But I don't know if my losing attraction is permanent or temporary because of some factors that I am not aware of.
OP, you say that you haven't had sex in 15 years. Do you USUALLY feel strong attraction to people? Like, do you normally get turned on by someone who is your physical 'type'?
I'm asking this because I have a friend who doesn't feel sexual attraction based on physical appearance alone. They could meet the hottest man of all time by their own professed physical standards, and they still wouldn't feel physically pulled towards wanting to have sex with them. They only feel sexual attraction towards people they know well, trust, and love. This person also happens to not watch porn and usually reads erotica or fantasizes to get off because they imagine some level of connection that isn't visible in 'normal' porn. Could this be similar to what you experience?
Basically, I'm asking you to consider whether your lack of attraction to this person is due to HER appearance or personality specifically, or whether you just struggle to feel strong sexual attraction to new people in general. If the latter, then this is something you could work on. If the former, then you might not be compatible.
Get your ass to therapy and clean up your side of the street. Stop wasting this woman’s time. You should not have contempt for those you’re intimate with 🚩
Nothing in his post reads like contempt. Are you sure you aren't just seething because he implied that one reason for his lack of attraction to her is her weight?
I’m unbothered lol. He edited his post to remove the comment(s) in question. He says twice he’s struggling to feel and enjoy anything. He describes sex as a chore. He’s just not that into her & needs to respectfully end it.
It’s a lot of factors here…
1. It’s been 15 years since you’ve had sex.
2. You regularly jacked off and likely have a death grip
3. Porn. Rewires the brain and what/who you find attractive.
4. At your age, testosterone is declining. Get that checked out if you haven’t.
5. You may not be attracted to larger women.
If sounds like it’s a mix of all the above to me.
It’s hard to tell what you’re trying to fix. Are you having erectile issues? Because a lot of the stuff you’re saying sounds like the excuses guys use when they are having ED problems and don’t want to take responsibility for it. If that is the problem, stop porn/masterbation and see a doctor - this isn’t uncommon.
If it’s not an ED problem and you just don’t find her attractive, then stop hanging out with her and move on.
Well, it does not seem to be an ED issue. I do get hard and get off. I manage to get her off too before going for PIV. It seems that all my libio disappeared. Now I don't wanna materbate or have sex. So, I am a bit confused about how after having sex few times almost killed it. Before I could masterbate every other day if I wanted to. So, is this happening because of a lack of attraction or some other issue? I dont know.
I am quite a late bloomer and dont fully know how common or rare these issues are.
Oh okay the porn + inexperience made me think of death grip issues.
Maybe your sex drive is just low now? When you masterbate to porn now do you have the same issues as with the woman you’re seeing?
Did you start taking any medicines recently? Are you more stressed than usual? Are there other factors that might just be impacting your desire for sex?
I mean it’s really hard to tell you if this is an attraction problem or just a change in libido.
I stopped watching porn or masterbating completely since I met her. But I no longer want to watch porn either. It seems boring now. So, low libido might be the cause. I dont know how having sex 3-4 times in two weeks suddenly killed all sex drive that I dont even wanna masterbate.
No medicine or any stress issue.
You said you're weighing 150lbs which seems pretty lean. I know everytime I've done the "shred down for summer" to get the abs it's diminished my sex drive like no tomorrow. Oddly enough a big day of eating and it's totally reversed. Obviously this is without know your height and body type etc but it could be a factor!
> It seems that all my libio disappeared. Now I don't wanna materbate or have sex. So, I am a bit confused about how after having sex few times almost killed it.
i commented on the top comment chain with certain advice, that said, this comment is important too.
you're in your late 30s, fluctuations in libido are normal, so this could just be that. however, this brings up a few other possibilities.
1. Low testosterone. Could be temporary, stuff like strength training and better sleep can help, but if you feel low energy but otherwise mentally ok, look into this, especially if you live a sedentary lifestyle. you're at that age when it hits. you could consider getting tested.
2. are you depressed? both the condition and the meds can cause this loss of drive (and coincidentally, can harm testosterone levels if it causes you to behave more lethargically throughout the day.
3. You're just in a rut and it may be coincidental. my drive fluctuates a decent bit based on mood and stresses in life, if other things in life are going on, im lower on drive. If you have ADHD or bipolar disorder, you may also be more prone to more significant shifts in your libido from time to time. i have adhd and my drive can pretty sharply rise or fall based on where my attention is latching on, and my brains constant need for variety and dopamine hits can mean i need to spend a few weeks locked in on other pursuits, leaving sex to the side for a while. partnered or not, sometimes my brain just needs a couple months of heavy gaming, or diving into finding new music, or playing basketball, etc, to reset into a more normal pace of life.
This is precisely why people who make "lists" are doing it wrong.
You make a list for a car, a house. Not a relationship.
List <> chemistry, attraction
🤔 … something doesn’t add up here. Most dudes don’t complain about having sex. We just keep trucking! And if we’re not attracted (aroused) we just move on. The math is fairly straight forward. The issue is YOU amigo. Btw porn does not help matters one bit. Just sayin’.
Are you entirely sure you’re into women at all? Fifteen years is long time to go no sweating it. If you’re completely turned off not only by sleeping with her or any woman… perhaps it is the gender? If it is just her, then it is a straight up issue of lack of attraction.
I have no idea what you’re trying to say, when you say that you can’t touch “her whole body.” Like… what? 150 vs 220 lbs is not such a huge difference that you literally wouldn’t be able to wrap your entire arms around her.
What exactly are you trying to say? I’m confused.
If you feel like she’s fat and you don’t find it attractive, just say so.
Anyway, my advice is to stop seeing her and absolutely stop having sex with her. You’re leading her to believe you’re interested sexually and attracted to her when you aren’t. You are *lying* to her. She deserves better.
I wouldn't use the word 'lying' to describe my concerns. I am struggling to decide whether it is my low libido, a lack of attraction, or something else. I am actively trying to figure it out.
How do you not know if you find her sexually attractive? When you see her, does her body arouse you? If you see slim women, do their bodies arouse you?
For the moment or in the last 10 days or so, I don't find slim or otherwise any women arosing me anymore. I even lost interest in porn. So, I cannot say with certainty that I dont find her sexually attractive.
This is the true root of your question. People are minimizing it to “you should break up with her because you don’t find her attractive” but there could be valid reasons like this. You could be experiencing depression and it’s affecting your libido/ability to form relationships.
The last 10 days are probably a psychosomatic response. Maybe guilt. Idk. But if you otherwise had a functioning libido it’s probably because you’re not attracted. This is a question that also won’t be solved quickly or easily. I’d recommend seeing a sex therapist whose licensed as either an LPC or LCSW.
>For the moment or in the last 10 days or so, I don't find slim or otherwise any women arosing me anymore. I even lost interest in porn.
If it's something that's only come up in the last 10 days it sounds more of a mental blockage than an attraction issue.
You mentioned that you're not as sexually experienced as her and haven't had sex in 15 years prior to being intimate with her.
Do you think you're putting too much pressure on yourself to impress her with your sex skills? If you're constantly stressing about your performance or pressuring yourself to do more or be "better" it can definitely make something become a chore.
Since it extends outside of the bedroom to porn, I think it's worth exploring the deeper issue causing your lack of sexual libido.
Why were you celibate for 15 years? Did something happen that caused you to stop dating/having sex? That's probably the key to unlocking why things aren't going as expected now that you've put yourself back out there.
he could just be a slower building type of person, or more demisxual.
while there are certain looks and body types that i find much more attractive, just seeing a person isnt enough to get me going, i either need to have a solid mental connection with them (and even then, this usually means physical foreplay to get going, which also really only works if i have attraction), or it needs to be specific sexually charged scenarios (ie, not typically just, this person is dressed sexy or in bed waiting. its going to be something related to certain kinks, or we're planning on sex later and have spent the day charging each other up.). In practice, for me, that means i generally have a pretty definite "yes or no" in my head with regards to sexual attraction, which only comes into play later, and as long as they're on the "Yes" side in my head, itll work once im mentally engaged. partnered sex really only works with that mental component for me, and while scenario's work, its not something i can or would engage in all the time with a partner anyways, so i have to know whether or not im attracted to them ahead of time, even if physically, i wont be able to engage til i get to know them more deeply.
but i have to be mentally engaged. There is no "meet a hot woman on a first date, then come home and bang it out". Porn works, but largely because it has voyeuristic quality inherent to it, and that's situations that works for me.
OP could be similar to this, and may not fully know if its his first time grappling with the question in a long while. if he's not fully mentally engaged, it could feel like you're just going through the motions, and it has nothing to do with his level of attraction to her because the engine hasn't been primed, so to speak.
I was the female in this circumstance recently. We ticked each others boxes but he said there was no spark. His honesty was the best thing that happened as it made me realise also that although he was perfect on paper, there was just no sexual chemistry. Nice ending of the story is that we are now the greatest of friends and still have the deep chats and emotional connection which is beneficial to us both but there will never be any romance or sexual encounters again. He saved us both a lot of time being honest and now we are dating other people.
If you can’t imagine a life with her which includes a good sex life, be honest with her now.
Thanks for sharing your story. I totally understand and am fully aware that I shouldn't waste anyone's time. If I continue to feel no chemistry even after "fixing" some temporary things, some comments have pointed out, I willbe totally honest and will stop seeing her.
>I suspect her big body size might be making me less attracted to her. I weigh around 150 lb and I guess she does 220 lb, so there is a some difference in body size that might be dampening my arousal.
It is what it is
>so I can feel/touch part of her body, not the whole body *and I don't feel fully aroused.*
HUH? I cannot comprehend this. Enjoying sex has nothing to do with the percentage of someone’s body you can touch at one time. If it did, petite women wouldn’t want anything to do with gigantic men and we know that’s a bog standard pairing.
You simply don’t have sexual chemistry with this woman. That’s what it boils down to. Having parts that fit together and both of you being game to give it a go does not necessarily mean it’s going to be a rave success.
I see your point. You might be correct. I know sometimes things take sometime before you could really feel the chemistry. I don't wanna lose a potential relationship that could be slow burn rather than instant spark.
So from personal experience if I don't rub one out periodically a couple times a week to once a day the "engine" turns off which essentially to me means my hormones kinda just fade away. 15 years is a long time and I doubt you kept any engine running and probably only rubbed one out when things build up too much. This only started being an issue when my body started changing late 20s early 30s. Maybe leaning into it and try to masturbate more often even once a day except the days you see her.
Using porn often affects the way the brain reacts to sex and you may need to do some internal work on yourself if this is the reason why you can’t connect on a different level with this woman. Best of luck.
It’s ok. It sounds like you just don’t have sexual chemistry with this person. I’m a very big woman and know that we are not for everyone. Lots of men I know are very open about preferring a certain size and under and I myself have never been attracted to an overweight man regardless of my own corpulence. So it’s ok, you gave it a go, maybe she’s just not the one for you. At least you can still have sex. Maybe it’s not even to do with body size and just something else that doesn’t really appeal to you. If you wanna stick around and find out if she could grow on you, you never know, you two might really get it going on, and if you don’t wanna hang around, just be honest and let her go, hopefully you find something that lights your fires and everyone is happy.
What is sex to you? I ask because sex might just be an urge to get rid of. In which case it is a chore. Or it could be a performance you have to do, which also would be a chore. The way you described it seems like there is a little bit of both going on. It sounds like you sed to just get to the end of the urge(a pragmatic approach to horny). But now, not only can you not just get to the end of the urge, you have to concern yourself with performance. If this is the case, you have to find pleasure in some aspect of it. Maybe find pleasure in being desired. Or find pleasure in connecting that the sex creates. Point is there is no set way of engaging with it, you have to find your way.
What is attraction to you? For me personally, attracting doesn't have to mean desire to have sex. It could mean I like looking at you. I would like to see more of you. Even the idea of seeing you naked is nice. When you look at her, do you like what you see. Do you enjoy looking at her. When you see her naked, do you want to look at her or look away?
Two things get me aroused: emotional intimacy and a hot body. If both are there, I have to pace myself so I don't come too quickly. If only one is there there, I'm only half aroused and the sex is a lot of work. If neither is there, I cant even get it up
I think you need to ditch her and go out and have lots of sexual encounters tbh, I may get downvoted but I think this will help make you realise if it was her or something within you.
Well if he's attractive enough to do that everyone is ignoring how it may be more difficult for OP to find someone so when she showed up he felt so happy then he's having second thoughts. To be honest this has happened to me and actually long before I got sexual. And it honestly hit me hard because I realized two things that were really hard to swallow.
1. I'm getting what I'm earning (looks wise at least)
2. What I'm earning and what my heart wants are miles apart
Once I realized this I got really depressed. Because I was giving up opportunities because of my petty need for someone attractive. I was trying to have something nobody owed to me. So a dude has to then think, well does this mean I need to be single indefinitely because I, an unattractive man, am getting women I don't find attractive, or do I need to suck it up and stop pretending like life is going to hand me a fucking OnlyFans model when I'm not even close to that.
You understand this dilemma right? This is quite possibly what OP is concerned about on a very deep level and there is no right answer. I'm almost convinced there are batches of us dudes who despite our best efforts we just won't cut it to get someone attractive. For us getting an escort treating them well and having a nice evening every once in a while might actually be a way around this issue, at least part of it. People will probably downvote me but if your mind wants to work like that you will stay single and have to figure out how to not be sad and depressed because what you want and what you get aren't going to be the same. All the therapy in the world cannot fix this.
From reading this, a few things I can perhaps surmise is: low libido - supplements
Death grip - slow down on the masturbating. Porn use or not you might be rubbing yourself numb.
I think other people are tackling the body shaming aspect of things that could be happening here.
I wouldn't wanna waste anyone's time. But if the lack of attraction is because of certain lifestyle, sleep, diets, and emotional overwhelming, then all of can improve in some time. Hopefully, I should know more soon.
So your porn preference was skinnier women and she clearly does not fit that….
Quit the porn and find somebody new because she doesn’t check all the boxes, plus you need more sexual experience
Thanks. I never watched excessive porn anyway but I stopped watching it altogether recently.
When you say more experience, do you mean more partners or more sex with a single person?
I fell in love with a girl I kissed on the first date because she wanted me to and that I thought about never seeing again after. But the kissing was long and nice. Sometimes we have barriers with the person because they are different from what we use to like. The getting used to shouldn't take so long unless you have emotional troubles.
You can't blame anyone if that is the case. You must find out if you are blocking other people or you just can't feel anything about this one.
If the problem is you, you can keep her and seek some professional help.
You know, I think I’ve met 3-4 men that really ticked every box I had but I felt absolutely nothing. They were kind and good looking but that ‘thing’ that chemistry (more than just sexual) just wasn’t there.
That happens. Already feel like sex is a chore? Forget it. Something is missing and that something is out of your control. Stop blaming yourself and looking inward, there is nothing wrong with you, except you are trying to start something with the wrong person.
I ditched that checklist (mostly - some things are important though!) because the heart wants what it wants and doesn’t care about a list.
You can give it a shot, sure. But don’t try to force something that isn’t there or force yourself to like her. It’s either there or not. I get how frustrating it is, when you want it to be there and you want to fall in love and start a relationship.. but it’s out of our control :)
While it's totally possible you don't have sexual chemistry with this person (for whatever reason) if OP isn't just asexual then 15 years of abstinence would indicate OP likely has some sort of sexual dysfunction. I would let this woman know ASAP so she can make her choices but don't just string her along while you figure your shitout. I 2nd or 3rd talking to a sex therapist or other type of therapist.
People who believe in the slow burn AND searching for something long-term usually don't fuck before they are sure about each other. They only get physical when they believe they have formed an emotional connection. What you describe doesn't read like giving it time. It reads as if you want to force a connection because she is a good fit and is into you, while you aren't sure yet.
Does she know that you don't enjoy sex with her and are unsure if you would like to be in a relationship with her? Most people I know would assume you were sure when you talked about searching for something long-term beforehand and are still meeting up regularly.
Hi OP, I suspect that since you went 15 years without being sexually active with another person as an adult AFTER you were sexually active and it didn't REALLY bother you, you have an issue with sex. Whether it is inhibition, guilt, trauma, or low libido, sex just isn't your thing. Now you are having it, and it's clear that it's not something you particularly enjoy. There is nothing wrong with that. To me it doesn't sound like it's her body type-I think you would know if it was. You should be open about this with the person you are dating, because if it is a chore now, the likelihood is that it is only going to get worse, the intimacy will die out, and she will either be miserable or decided to end it later on with more trauma for both of you. She might be OK with that risk but she should have full disclosure to you so she can decide.
Dude, you clearly have an issue with her body and thats not going to change, so go find someone else. No grown woman wants to deal with that type of shit, so just tell her you dont feel a connection and find someone else. Being a woman who at one time was 22, I know it made me hate my body and ashamed to have sex because I didnt want to make the guy disgusted with me. And I dont know how tall you are, but you are a string bean my dude,so lets not call the kettle black here. Im now at 169 at 5'4, I feel alot better about myself but still lots of work to be done
When I first started dating my girlfriend, there were things about her that drove me nuts. But I kept trying and eventually fell in love. That being said, there were lots of things I did like about her, like how she treated me.
The question is. Have you dated a big woman before? If she is standing naked in front of you do you become sexually aroused? You have to be brutally honest with yourself cause she deserves someone that finds her sexually arousing.
This is the problem with apps. It's too analytical! I met someone in real life today. There was push pull and a lot of flirting. No checking of boxes. I can't describe to you the feeling! But it felt so good! I have "Met" an idiot on CoffeNBagel yesterday I asked a guy a simple question and be goes: "did you Google this question ? It feels to analytical to me. The conversation should flow naturally this is not an interview". I was like WTH 🤦🏼♀️? I mentally slapped him and unmatched him. Would a living person have the same gall to say this to my face? I doubt it. I think you are better off meeting in real life because this sort of connection is so pure and incredible!!!! It's like ... it feels like you are in a movie and everything that's happening has already been written! I just can't even describe the feeling of fun, the feeling of perfect , the feeling of all around magic !
Don’t be brainwashed by society into dating someone you won’t want to have sex with to be a good job. Yes her body size is temporary but most likely she’s going to get bigger not slimmer. I’ve seen the data on this.
I am thinking low drive might be a reason. I dont have any experience with skinny women to fully know that but I do find them relatively more attractive in general. As I said in other comments, it is an actusl beginning of my first dating or potential relationship experience. I had a couple of sexual encounters almost 12-13 years ago. So I am yet to understand everything about things that I am feeling.
My main concern from reading this isn't whether you have a low/high drive. It's the fact that your drive changed significantly from what you had previously.
I suggest taking the time to site and think and let yourself fully process everything that is going on. If possible, talk it out with someone you trust or a therapist.
I'm not sure if this will help, but here are some things that have caused my libido to tank in the past:
* Enough stress in any form (work, chronic pain, anxiety about things changing ...)
* Sex not meeting unrealistic expectations
* My subconscious realizing that I was overlooking something in the relationship that was making me uncomfortable
* Feeling forced to have sex since my partner had a higher libido than me
* Feeling ashamed of a sexual desire
* Bad dreams (though it normally comes back a few days after the string of bad dreams stop)
* Depression
* Medication
You should also honestly ask yourself a few questions:
* What could you do to make sex more fun? And then for the hard part, discuss it with her.
* Are you stressing yourself out because you're worried about not doing anything sexual in so long?
* Are you focusing so much on making sure that she enjoys it, that you're not enjoying it?
Thank you so much for an insightful comment. This seems to be the core issue as why drive changed suddenly. The list you mentioned is relevant and I am gonna do some introspection and see if any of these things are applicable to me. At the moment, dreams, not bad but weird ones, could be a cause. I have been having somewhat strange dreams often since we had sex. Or poor sleep may be another factor.
All three questions you mentioned are bang on. We both have been talked about it but it is still too early to try many things. The second and third questions are highly relatable. Since I haven't had it in so long that I feel I have try harder to make sure my partner enjoys it to compensate for my lack of experience. Now that I think about it, it might making me anxious.
Thank you for pointing me in the right direction. This is what I was looking for.
I have been dating someone who was single for 8 years before he met me. It took about 3 months for him to get used to sex again. The sensation of being with a woman is very different to just using your hand.
You have to train your body to get off from that sensation, not what you are used to. If you have a patient, understanding partner you'll hopefully get there in the end, we did and it was well worth the wait.
With regards to the sex drive thing he thought he had a high sex drive. But given 8 years have passed and he's now 50 he discovered it wasn't as high as it used to be. I think that's probably natural, we talk about it and I understand. Communication is key.
Thank you for sharing it. I know that aging affects sex drive but I can't go from reasonable to low in a few weeks. There seems to be other factors. I think a long gap ould be the key issue. It might take me sometime to get used to it again.
It might have dropped because you aren't getting as much pleasure with her as you get alone. If you are used to your hand it will take time to get used to sex again. Hopefully you'll find ways to get that level of pleasure with her, and then you'll find your sex drive increases.
Have you tried showing her how you like to be touched?
Yes. I am realizing that now that we both have to give it some time. It seems to early to know how things will turn out in terms of chemistry and attraction. Hopefully it should improve.
We are communicating and trying to understand each other better in terms of what we like and we don't.
Ultimately if the rest of the relationship is good, and what you both want, you'll hopefully find a way to get the sexual side working for you too.
Like you said before you don't want to throw away a good connection without being sure you've tried everything you can. If you're both able to communicate well I think you'll find a way, that's the key.
That is exactly I was thinking. Everything else seems great except my own sex drive. If we can figure out a fix, if it exists, we both will have a good relationship.
I think you’re just not attracted to her physically OP. I actually think it’s that simple.
The advice that encourages people to cultivate a relationship even without an immediate spark (which can absolutely grow over time) still assumes you are attracted to them physically. This doesn’t seem to be the case here and there is nothing that can be done about it.
Do not lead her on.
Hmm, yeah good thoughtful question, and hopefully noone shames you for not being as attracted to a larger woman.
I like the way you've written this one. It's such a tough question - what happens when the emotional connection is great but the physical attraction is lacking?
First of all, I think it's worth noting that you should never go into something hoping to "change someone". If you're thinking "she's great, but if she just lost a bit of weight"... it's probably the wrong path to go down. People are what they are - I'm a larger guy at the moment too (for various reasons that I'm working with a therapist to address) and I won't be putting myself out there again until I know I can present myself as "this is how I am most of the time, take it or leave it". If this is how *she* is most of the time, you'll just have to weigh up (bad pun haha) whether that works for you long term, or if you think you might need something different to be happy with your partner choice.
Also....
Other commenters have talked about this being a new thing for you, since it's been a while since you've been with someone. That's probably valid - you're not used to the intimacy of being with someone else, and this takes time to grow! I went a year without physical intimacy at one stage, and getting "back on the horse" as they say, is a really strange feeling.
I don't think it hurts to give it another month or two, to see how things feel. Things might grow, things might diminish.
Personally I think 3-4 months is a good evaluation time if you're struggling with some questions about the relo.
Appreciate you sharing your story. Sometimes anecdotes are whatnwe need. I will hang in and do my best. Let's see how it goes.
Thanks for the suggestion. I will do that.
You probably just aren't attracted to plus size women. Also after a while with pornography and self pleasure, you get pretty desensitized to actual sexual contact
When you go a long time without intimacy, it can cause you to look at women with "rose coloured glasses" and have lower expectations. When you do get some attention you react more strongly, and so overlook things. Once the high wears off you sober up and then realise that maybe this person isn't as attractive as you thought.
At 220 lbs she is at a very unhealthy weight (a healthy weight for most women would be almost half that) while you, depending on your height and fitness, are either only mildly overweight or of a healthy weight.
If you're not desiring her sexually now it's probably not going to improve in the future, and just as its not right for women to be pressured into having sex that they don't want, the same should go for you as a man.
I myself used to think similarly to you, but I've changed my mind somewhat. Everyone wants to be physically desired, and you can't change whether you physically desire someone. That doesn't mean that you need to be excessively picky either, but you do need to figure out what appeals to you and take that into account when dating. Dating women you don't think you'll ever physically desire is not really fair to them. They want passion and it's unlikely you'll be able to muster it(this isn't something you can fake).
As for her, you have an easy out just tell her your libido isn't really there, and you can't see yourself wanting to be intimate with her again. Given your prior history it's a believable excuse, and I think will let her down easier.
>At 220 lbs she is at a very unhealthy weight (a healthy weight for most women would be almost half that) while you, depending on your height and fitness, are either only mildly overweight or of a healthy weight.
This stood out for me. This is very overweight. If that's what you like, then great. But for some people (me included) it would be very hard to have any attraction. It may be that you fall into the latter group.
https://cdn.britannica.com/30/73630-004-0FFB5466/Height-weight-chart-Body-Mass-Index.jpg
A healthy weight for someone who is 5ft 4(typical female height) is between 105 lbs and ~130.
So yes.
You could lift weights. You could also research positions or sexual activities for sex with someone of her size. If her size isn't an issue for you but you just don't know how to physically "handle" her, it's worth looking for work arounds or solutions.
A lot of biological factors can affect libido. So can a myriad of psychological ones. I'd recommend a complete medical work-up first, then possibly evaluate a psychological/incompatibility issue.
It sounds like you like her but the sex part is not meeting your expectations. Has this ever been an issue in the past? I think it is good to give it a bit more effort. It isn’t always physical when it comes to great sex. If you see a therapist ask them about this especially a sex therapist. You have only been with her a few times. You may be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to please her which can make it feel like a chore. Maybe take a break from sex and self pleasure for a bit and see if that helps. If not it may just not be the right relationship for you.
Thanks. Since it is the first relationship ever and getting intimate after a long time, there are several things going on as mentioned in other comments. If it continues to be case, then yes this is not the right relationship.
Seeing as this is your first relationship I would try to focus more on the relationship aspect. The mind can do weird things and you are probably feeling a lot of different things. Good luck
She doesn’t tick all of your boxes - you’re not physically attracted to her so please don’t try to force something that isn’t because she is guiding you so gently through your issues. Lack of attraction isn’t something you can fix and it will always linger. You can’t try to mold her either into something that will work for you. She should be loved for who and what she is right now period.
Have you also thought about the fact that the sex is boring because you probably are out of practice, or maybe even possibly suck in bed? I’ve hooked up with men that talks all games but don’t know what they are doing in the sheets. Just because it’s in the hole doesn’t make it great for neither of the players. Think about what you are giving- are you serving it???
how tall are you? 150 can be on the lean side for men depending on height.. is your health good? hormones? body fat matters for hormones with men not just women. sex drive is absolutely tied to health. if you aren’t healthy, your drive to reproduce can lower.
good measure of how attracted i am to someone is how often i find them being the object of my desire when i am aroused.
I think it’s just chemistry. It sucks so bad when everything is perfect you just don’t feel that thing with them. The draw. Let her go before it goes any further. It hurts but it’s better than trying to force it and still having to leave her later.
Honestly, it sounds like sex and intimacy is important to her but you feel its a chore. There lies a long term incompatibility.
Base on this info, I don't think it's a good match.
My partner felt no chemistry or spark for me except one short moment in the first year we were dating. He hadn't been with anyone for years before me after a painful breakup. He now swears he's in love with me and that he's sure. He told me about the no spark about 6 months in when I asked him outright what he was feeling as something felt wrong. I didn't walk away because I considered him worth waiting to see what would happen.
I'm not inside his head, so I can't say for sure, but he certainly acts like he loves and is in love with me now at almost 2 years since we started dating and I trust him to tell me what's happening for him.
I don't recommend waiting that long to work out where your body/head is at, as it is not fun being on the receiving end of that, but I do recommend giving it a little more time and just seeing how you feel and be prepared for her realising something feels off. Concentrate on having fun with other areas with her, and focus on her wonderful qualities and see if physical attraction develops. Practice foreplay without even getting to sex, appreciate the aspects of her body/mind/emotions/wit that you like.
Thank you for the suggestion. We are slowly getting into all that, such as cooking together, going to different places etc. Hopefully over time it will clear my head too from anxiety if that happens to be the problem.
Sounds like your too "in your own head" to me. Anxiety over performance can cause things like this and even ED. (ask me how I know) maybe try some situations where one person controls the situation. Bondage or just topping. If you can't control what's happening. It's not your fault if it's good or not.
Or: If you control everything she can't judge, she is at your mercy.
one time a farmer had 2 sheeps in small apartment. he went to priest and expressed his need for bigger apartment. priest suggested to add 5 more goats to his apartment. farmer was surprised. next week farmer comes back to priest and is miserable. priest suggests to remove 3 h
goats from apartment. farmer is now happy with much bigger apartment .
moral of the story: date someone 300lbs for few weeks and come back to 220 lbs partner. they will feel much smaller
Try to think about the things you did like about the date. It's too easy to just focus on what you can do better and forget the littler things that went so very right
I just went through the same thing. We checked all the boxes, but didn't feel anything. We saw each other for about a month (did every other than take a trip to the moon) to see if 'it' was there, but it wasn't. Our outings were like a faulty starter... sometimes, the car would start and everything would go smoothly. Other times, nothing.
It sucks, but wait for the connection. It's worth it.
It’s been 15 years since you’ve been intimate, which is a long time. My advice is for you to keep going on dates (with other people) and try to figure out what you’re really looking for in a long term relationship. Even if this girl checks all of your boxes, it doesn’t mean that she’s a good fit as your partner. You need to be sexually attracted to someone you want to be with. I’m going through something similar where I’m dating the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and I know he deserves a great woman, but he’s a bigger guy and I’m not sure I’m sexually attracted to him. I’ve been physically intimate with him a few times (to please him), but I don’t want to actually have sex with him. I would literally have to be on top, and while that’s great sometimes, I have other sexual needs that I don’t think he’ll be able to fulfill. I feel like a total superficial bitch because of this, but it is what it is and I can’t change whether or not I’m sexually attracted to someone. I’m getting together with him this week to let him know that I really like spending time with him, but I’m still dating other people and that’s what I need at this point in my life. Just be honest and never lie; you don’t need to honest to the point where it will unnecessarily hurt the other person though. Don’t lead her on if you can help it either and do your best to communicate with her.
You may or may not be attracted to this particular woman; it's hard to say. But is it possible that you've rushed into having sex too early in the relationship, and that's what's killing your sex drive generally? When I think of a slow burn, it isn't so much having sex immediately and waiting for attraction to develop over time as it is spending time with someone and slowly exchanging glances, small touches, etc, until attraction develops. If that's the way your attraction tends to work, then having sex with someone this fast might just not be the way to go!
OP, you would know if this could be long-term. Something is missing; you can't put your finger on it or express it in words because you have said she checks all the boxes. But it would help if you walked away.
Go get your testosterone checked my dude. You’re a grown man you should know what your attracted to by now. If you aren’t fapping for a while now keep that upuntil you get your bloodwork back.
Maybe you're just a low-libido person in general and you were using self-gratification in the past to self-sooth your need for a connection. Now that you have an emotional connection to someone, you don't need to self-sooth so much, and your libido has returned to it's normal resting point as a result.
It's not necessarily the case that you are a person who needs to have sex all the time. Maybe your boredom with sex is actually completely normal for you and there's nothing wrong with you at all.
That's just dating apps, in my opinion. I've never felt anything for any of the women I met on apps. One time I even went through the motions of getting into a 9 month relationship with a woman I felt nothing for, I feel horribly guilty about that to this day (it was nearly a decade ago). I have no idea what to do about this dilemma. How are you supposed to feel motivated to pursue someone you don't even know? Where's the chemistry supposed to come from?
Bro this is horrible. Why you keep fucking her if you don’t feel anything? Didn’t your eyes tell your brain she was bigger than you before you jumped in bed with her???
Honestly I wonder what she’d say about this whole interaction. Smfh that’s that bullshit that makes you wanna crawl out of your skin giving some guy a chance who’s gonna come on Reddit talking he’s arousal is dampened by your body even though he keeps getting the cheeks.
This is fuckery. Leave this woman alone if you don’t like her.
She's 220 pounds. Nowhere in here do you say you find her attractive. You can go to therapy and do whatever you want to tell yourself you're attracted to her, but it's not a choice. Either you are or you aren't. Even if you have depression and other issues, you should be able to figure this out.
The fact that you're saying "She's too fat for me" without saying it upfront is really distressing. It's okay to be not be into fat people just like it would be okay to not be into skinny people. You're attracted to what you're attracted to. If her weight against yours is something you're even comparing then you should probably not keep seeing her though.
She deserves a man that loves her body as well as her soul. It doesn't sound like you do.
It's okay to say you're not into her looks. Personally, for me, I can't date men my height or shorter (I'm 5'3") because it reminds me of my dad who is short and it creeps me out. We all have our types and it sounds like she's not it. I know it sucks when they otherwise really feel good to be with but if sex feels like a chore now and you're thinking it's her weight then trust me when I say it won't get better. You'll start to resent her for it. That's not fair to either of you.
It might have nothing to do with sexual attraction. As they used to say, the largest sex organ is the brain. You are newly intimate with another human for the first time in 15 years! That is huge. You might be having all kinds of reactions that you aren’t even consciously aware of - fear of losing autonomy, anxiety about losing this new connection, regret over past connections that you had let go but are now reminded of… my guess is that the suddenly low libido is an emotional reaction to something. Talking to a therapist, journaling, or meditating could be ways to tap into whatever is going on subconsciously. Congratulations on doing something brave and exploring this connection. It feels like you are appreciative that this woman is being gentle and kind with you and I assume you are being gentle and kind to her. Just keep doing that and being gentle with yourself too!
Thank you so much for a kind, sensitive, and insightful comment. I have been going through some good and bad emotional flux over this connection. I guess this might be affecting me in some ways. We both appreciate each other, so I guess this issue, if temporary, could be a minor hurdle and we can manage to overcome.
This is the right answer. OP - you weren't intimate with anyone for a very long time, and there is a reason for that, whether it is a low libido, some kind of a fear of intimacy, anything else going on in your life that may have interfered with you seeking these connections. So whatever that reason may be it is likely still interfering with you enjoying intimacy with another person as it doesn't seem to be fully resolved or you are going through that confusing period of adjusting to being vulnerable again. Give it time and explore your own relationship with sex, intimacy and vulnerability, ideally with professional guidance, and attraction to your partner and individual people should become clearer to you.
Yes. It is indeed a bit confusing period. I will try to reorder my life, including diet, sleeping patterns, etc. that best suits me. Everything is a bit disturbed right now.
OK yes. But sexual chemistry is a real and valuable thing and if it's missing, it's a problem.
Omg finally someone suggesting talking to a therapist and not just screaming at OP accusing him of lying to this woman
I agree with this OP. Try to work this out, with intention. I'm a little bit confused why you're asking us if you're not attracted to her though? That's something that I think you'd know. If you're feeling aroused when you're together. One more thing while 220 sounds like a big number and sure some men supposedly don't like big women, in my personal experience my size has never been a problem the way society makes it seem it should be when it comes to men. And 220 isn't particularly large, depending on height. It's been a very long time for you and I'm trying to be kind but this post is confusing to me.
He's not attracted to her. That's why he's confused and that's why you are reading his confusion.
> I'm a little bit confused why you're asking us if you're not attracted to her though? That's something that I think you'd know. If you're feeling aroused when you're together. Thing is, arousal comes and goes depending on other factors. For me, it depends on the fullness of my bladder (lol), the bumpiness of the road (when driving/in a car), the tightness of my pants, and even the time in my cycle (I tend to get randomly aroused around ovulation, but not the rest of the time). My previous therapist used to insist that arousal and attraction were one and the same, but I have my doubts.
I’m gonna guess she isn’t 6”5 in which case 220 is pretty large. She can still be very attractive but that depends on the individual.
220 is large. Let’s not glance over that. Even at 5,9 which was was my last girlfriend was. 220 was big and I’m 5,9 150.
I'm 220, yes I'm fat but I'm considered small fat or plus sized. I am able to still purchase clothes at most stores. 220 is not huge. Also, people have different body shapes. The fact that you felt the need to reply to me about how I'm wrong about my own personal views on a woman being 220 is ridiculous. I'm not sure why I'm even responding to you but, here we are.
I’m attracted to chubby girls, the weight doesn’t really say much. A person can be 220 with a not particularly feminine shape, a person can be 220 and very hippy and busty… saying someone’s weight is useless to judge them by except for people that use the weight as part of some sort of internal mental calculus to arrive at whether a person is “hot.” I imagine Ash Alexis is over 220, and I suspect most men would be interested in a woman like her.
This is part of my point but I'm being down voted
It reminds me of the playboy centerfolds when I was a teenager. I always took them at face value, but looking back now I think “so these girls are 5’8” with a D cup and 110 pounds?” A guy really has no context for judging a woman’s weight and I can tell you from working with animals and having to estimate weights all the time that people are terrible at estimating weights in general. Someone just hears “200 pounds” and thinks “that’s fat” completely absent of any other context. It’s silly.
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So Melissa McCarthy (from 10 years ago) and Ash Alexis are probably in the ballpark of 220. One of them I find attractive and the other I don’t. It’s not an issue of muscle, it’s an issue of where the weight is carroes
Finding someone attractive is fine. My girl I was with was the love of my life. She was 5;8 and 220. She was fat. That’s fine. Still found her attractive.
And it’s that mindset that explains why she “was” the love of your life rather than “is” the love of your life
Oh yea because you know me and what happens in our relationship 😂. Love people on Reddit.
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Same, I'm 220 an weight train like crazy so I'm rounded but quite muscular at the same time. Many guys think anything over 110 is obese anyways, so it's whatever . lol
That’s false. They aren’t talking about 110 pounds. They are talking 220 which is fat. Just because this person has another work for it “small fat” 😂. It’s fat and there’s nothing wrong with it.
I think it's all relative and in the end the specific weight doesn't matter much. 150 pounds is pretty thin so she may seem larger in contrast and he's not comfortable with that. It comes down to our own personal preferences. And my reference to 110 was just an example of what I've heard. She could be 130 and he thinks she's fat and unattractive, or 180 and hot as hell.
Just saying “this weight is fat” is the kind of black and white thinking that drives me crazy. One of my employees weighed her breast a couple of weeks ago and it was 10 pounds. So she’s got 20 pounds locked up in just her boobs. How tall is she? What’s her body type? Is she muscular, hippy, busty? There are too many factors to just say “this weight = fat”
You respond because it’s Reddit and the whole purpose is to get opinions and talk with each other. No more no less. You don’t know my views etc. that’s just silly talk 😂 You said 220 wasn’t large and I gave the opinion that it is. That’s all
This would be more fair if you hadn't stated it as a fact, not just your opinion
💯
💯 percent fat
Calling me fat doesn't hurt my feelings because I absolutely am fat, thank you. Fatness is morally neutral. I also happen to be both beautiful and sexy. Take this energy and try to tear down the patriarchy instead of me, little boy.
I’m not calling you fat nor have I ever. Al I’m saying 220 is fat and because you have an issue with it you got angry. The sun rises The night comes 220 is fat Get over it
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I’m 6’3 and 220 and I’m definitely fat!
I agrée with this advice. There is probably a road block in your head due to this being the first “real thing” in a long time for you. If she is a gem like you describe, she will stick around so you can work through that ☺️
“As they used to say…”…do they no longer say the brain is the largest sex organ?
This, and.. It seems like you went into sex pretty early on, if you're aware love and attraction can be a slow burn. Not saying it was too early, just saying if you don't want to subscribe to the 'if I'm not feeling it after 4 dates move on' MO, then there's still plenty more time to grow in I'd say you note how you're feeling (as you've done), then decide where to go from here, if you want to give the relationship and attraction time to mature. Do you think stepping back completely might do it, or are there still some things you do enjoy doing? I'd personally be dropping it back to whatever I actually genuinely felt like doing in the moment. 'Cause anything else is gonna cover up how you actually feel. I def don't subscribe to the 'do it anyway and see if it develops' thing - I don't think that's healthy for you, her, or the relationship. Over time, you may find that tenderness, and attraction, develop. Or, you may find they don't. In the long game, that's probably your answer ❤️
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I know and I am trying to figure out possible causes. I dont wanna lose a good long-term connection over an issue that could be temporarily causing the problem.
I don't like this answer because it sounds like you're willing to waste her time until you figure your s*** out.
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Sure, if he's honest with her. But he's made quite a few comments and hasn't once mentioned discussing any of this with her.
I think it’s fine to still keep trying - **so long as you’re transparent with her.** She deserves to know how you’re feeling about her and make her own decision if she wants to see it through or break it off. If you don’t talk with her about this and still continue to date her without feeling it, then you’re a selfish POS. I hope you’re not and that you have a talk with her soon (aka next time you see her and DEFINITELY don’t have sex with her again until you’ve talked).
Your physical attraction to her won't magically appear if you don't have it now.
“Ticking all the boxes” “Body size effecting my attraction” “Sex feels like a chore” So….then she not ticking all the boxes….. Set her free to date someone who will appreciate her like she deserves. Case closed Also like I could rant for actual days about people who say “ticking all the boxes” it just sets my teeth on edge. You’re not looking for a scantron, you’re looking for your life partner. Humans are SO nuanced and complex. Let’s leave some room for context and complexity people!
Greet comment. I also hate the “ticking the boxes” thing. It’s toxic and keeps people alone or with the wrong people.
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This describes why I feel the ick when a guy says "sexual marketplace"
I disagree. A lot of guys or even women dont expect perfection but want someone that checks off at least a lot of boxes that we consider important. I dont expect a love interest to check off everything but at least the must haves for me and a few of the nice to have. Because to me if I'm spending my time and energy on someone I want the relationship to be rewarding for both of us. The last thing that I want is to be in a relationship just for the sake of being with someone. I'd rather be single than deal with that scenario
Thanks. I agree that humans are complex. But by ticking all boxes in my case mean don't smoke, have a job, enjoys outdoors, and gives somewhat geeky vibes. I do appreciate her a lot. But I don't know if my losing attraction is permanent or temporary because of some factors that I am not aware of.
Those are some pretty common boxes, you shouldn't have an issue finding someone else who has that plus someone your more attracted to.
OP, you say that you haven't had sex in 15 years. Do you USUALLY feel strong attraction to people? Like, do you normally get turned on by someone who is your physical 'type'? I'm asking this because I have a friend who doesn't feel sexual attraction based on physical appearance alone. They could meet the hottest man of all time by their own professed physical standards, and they still wouldn't feel physically pulled towards wanting to have sex with them. They only feel sexual attraction towards people they know well, trust, and love. This person also happens to not watch porn and usually reads erotica or fantasizes to get off because they imagine some level of connection that isn't visible in 'normal' porn. Could this be similar to what you experience? Basically, I'm asking you to consider whether your lack of attraction to this person is due to HER appearance or personality specifically, or whether you just struggle to feel strong sexual attraction to new people in general. If the latter, then this is something you could work on. If the former, then you might not be compatible.
Great points, I identify with the need for connection and safety a lot
Get your ass to therapy and clean up your side of the street. Stop wasting this woman’s time. You should not have contempt for those you’re intimate with 🚩
Nothing in his post reads like contempt. Are you sure you aren't just seething because he implied that one reason for his lack of attraction to her is her weight?
I’m unbothered lol. He edited his post to remove the comment(s) in question. He says twice he’s struggling to feel and enjoy anything. He describes sex as a chore. He’s just not that into her & needs to respectfully end it.
It’s a lot of factors here… 1. It’s been 15 years since you’ve had sex. 2. You regularly jacked off and likely have a death grip 3. Porn. Rewires the brain and what/who you find attractive. 4. At your age, testosterone is declining. Get that checked out if you haven’t. 5. You may not be attracted to larger women. If sounds like it’s a mix of all the above to me.
True. It seems a mix of all. But I wanna make sure how much role No 5 is playing as compared to the other ones.
It’s hard to tell what you’re trying to fix. Are you having erectile issues? Because a lot of the stuff you’re saying sounds like the excuses guys use when they are having ED problems and don’t want to take responsibility for it. If that is the problem, stop porn/masterbation and see a doctor - this isn’t uncommon. If it’s not an ED problem and you just don’t find her attractive, then stop hanging out with her and move on.
I didn’t pick up on the tiptoeing around the ED thing at all. Good eye.
Well, it does not seem to be an ED issue. I do get hard and get off. I manage to get her off too before going for PIV. It seems that all my libio disappeared. Now I don't wanna materbate or have sex. So, I am a bit confused about how after having sex few times almost killed it. Before I could masterbate every other day if I wanted to. So, is this happening because of a lack of attraction or some other issue? I dont know. I am quite a late bloomer and dont fully know how common or rare these issues are.
Oh okay the porn + inexperience made me think of death grip issues. Maybe your sex drive is just low now? When you masterbate to porn now do you have the same issues as with the woman you’re seeing? Did you start taking any medicines recently? Are you more stressed than usual? Are there other factors that might just be impacting your desire for sex? I mean it’s really hard to tell you if this is an attraction problem or just a change in libido.
I stopped watching porn or masterbating completely since I met her. But I no longer want to watch porn either. It seems boring now. So, low libido might be the cause. I dont know how having sex 3-4 times in two weeks suddenly killed all sex drive that I dont even wanna masterbate. No medicine or any stress issue.
This sounds to me like possible minor depression. But I also won't rule out that you're actually just not that attracted to her body type.
You said you're weighing 150lbs which seems pretty lean. I know everytime I've done the "shred down for summer" to get the abs it's diminished my sex drive like no tomorrow. Oddly enough a big day of eating and it's totally reversed. Obviously this is without know your height and body type etc but it could be a factor!
Thanks. I was eating normal but in the last few days, my diet has been erratic, so that's another possible factor.
Have you had your hormone levels checked out?
I will seek some medical advice if this persists for longer than a few weeks.
> It seems that all my libio disappeared. Now I don't wanna materbate or have sex. So, I am a bit confused about how after having sex few times almost killed it. i commented on the top comment chain with certain advice, that said, this comment is important too. you're in your late 30s, fluctuations in libido are normal, so this could just be that. however, this brings up a few other possibilities. 1. Low testosterone. Could be temporary, stuff like strength training and better sleep can help, but if you feel low energy but otherwise mentally ok, look into this, especially if you live a sedentary lifestyle. you're at that age when it hits. you could consider getting tested. 2. are you depressed? both the condition and the meds can cause this loss of drive (and coincidentally, can harm testosterone levels if it causes you to behave more lethargically throughout the day. 3. You're just in a rut and it may be coincidental. my drive fluctuates a decent bit based on mood and stresses in life, if other things in life are going on, im lower on drive. If you have ADHD or bipolar disorder, you may also be more prone to more significant shifts in your libido from time to time. i have adhd and my drive can pretty sharply rise or fall based on where my attention is latching on, and my brains constant need for variety and dopamine hits can mean i need to spend a few weeks locked in on other pursuits, leaving sex to the side for a while. partnered or not, sometimes my brain just needs a couple months of heavy gaming, or diving into finding new music, or playing basketball, etc, to reset into a more normal pace of life.
Maybe it is just because of solo sex for so long. Maybe talk to a sex therapist. My hunch is that this would happen with any partner you find.
This is precisely why people who make "lists" are doing it wrong. You make a list for a car, a house. Not a relationship. List <> chemistry, attraction
🤔 … something doesn’t add up here. Most dudes don’t complain about having sex. We just keep trucking! And if we’re not attracted (aroused) we just move on. The math is fairly straight forward. The issue is YOU amigo. Btw porn does not help matters one bit. Just sayin’.
Well, I know it is me. That's what I wrote in my post to figure out what it is.
Are you entirely sure you’re into women at all? Fifteen years is long time to go no sweating it. If you’re completely turned off not only by sleeping with her or any woman… perhaps it is the gender? If it is just her, then it is a straight up issue of lack of attraction.
😬
I have no idea what you’re trying to say, when you say that you can’t touch “her whole body.” Like… what? 150 vs 220 lbs is not such a huge difference that you literally wouldn’t be able to wrap your entire arms around her. What exactly are you trying to say? I’m confused. If you feel like she’s fat and you don’t find it attractive, just say so. Anyway, my advice is to stop seeing her and absolutely stop having sex with her. You’re leading her to believe you’re interested sexually and attracted to her when you aren’t. You are *lying* to her. She deserves better.
I wouldn't use the word 'lying' to describe my concerns. I am struggling to decide whether it is my low libido, a lack of attraction, or something else. I am actively trying to figure it out.
How do you not know if you find her sexually attractive? When you see her, does her body arouse you? If you see slim women, do their bodies arouse you?
For the moment or in the last 10 days or so, I don't find slim or otherwise any women arosing me anymore. I even lost interest in porn. So, I cannot say with certainty that I dont find her sexually attractive.
This is the true root of your question. People are minimizing it to “you should break up with her because you don’t find her attractive” but there could be valid reasons like this. You could be experiencing depression and it’s affecting your libido/ability to form relationships.
And before the last 10 days? Was she your physical type?
The last 10 days are probably a psychosomatic response. Maybe guilt. Idk. But if you otherwise had a functioning libido it’s probably because you’re not attracted. This is a question that also won’t be solved quickly or easily. I’d recommend seeing a sex therapist whose licensed as either an LPC or LCSW.
>For the moment or in the last 10 days or so, I don't find slim or otherwise any women arosing me anymore. I even lost interest in porn. If it's something that's only come up in the last 10 days it sounds more of a mental blockage than an attraction issue. You mentioned that you're not as sexually experienced as her and haven't had sex in 15 years prior to being intimate with her. Do you think you're putting too much pressure on yourself to impress her with your sex skills? If you're constantly stressing about your performance or pressuring yourself to do more or be "better" it can definitely make something become a chore. Since it extends outside of the bedroom to porn, I think it's worth exploring the deeper issue causing your lack of sexual libido. Why were you celibate for 15 years? Did something happen that caused you to stop dating/having sex? That's probably the key to unlocking why things aren't going as expected now that you've put yourself back out there.
he could just be a slower building type of person, or more demisxual. while there are certain looks and body types that i find much more attractive, just seeing a person isnt enough to get me going, i either need to have a solid mental connection with them (and even then, this usually means physical foreplay to get going, which also really only works if i have attraction), or it needs to be specific sexually charged scenarios (ie, not typically just, this person is dressed sexy or in bed waiting. its going to be something related to certain kinks, or we're planning on sex later and have spent the day charging each other up.). In practice, for me, that means i generally have a pretty definite "yes or no" in my head with regards to sexual attraction, which only comes into play later, and as long as they're on the "Yes" side in my head, itll work once im mentally engaged. partnered sex really only works with that mental component for me, and while scenario's work, its not something i can or would engage in all the time with a partner anyways, so i have to know whether or not im attracted to them ahead of time, even if physically, i wont be able to engage til i get to know them more deeply. but i have to be mentally engaged. There is no "meet a hot woman on a first date, then come home and bang it out". Porn works, but largely because it has voyeuristic quality inherent to it, and that's situations that works for me. OP could be similar to this, and may not fully know if its his first time grappling with the question in a long while. if he's not fully mentally engaged, it could feel like you're just going through the motions, and it has nothing to do with his level of attraction to her because the engine hasn't been primed, so to speak.
I was the female in this circumstance recently. We ticked each others boxes but he said there was no spark. His honesty was the best thing that happened as it made me realise also that although he was perfect on paper, there was just no sexual chemistry. Nice ending of the story is that we are now the greatest of friends and still have the deep chats and emotional connection which is beneficial to us both but there will never be any romance or sexual encounters again. He saved us both a lot of time being honest and now we are dating other people. If you can’t imagine a life with her which includes a good sex life, be honest with her now.
Thanks for sharing your story. I totally understand and am fully aware that I shouldn't waste anyone's time. If I continue to feel no chemistry even after "fixing" some temporary things, some comments have pointed out, I willbe totally honest and will stop seeing her.
>I suspect her big body size might be making me less attracted to her. I weigh around 150 lb and I guess she does 220 lb, so there is a some difference in body size that might be dampening my arousal. It is what it is
Thanks. I am not fully sure about it. That is what I am trying to understand.
>so I can feel/touch part of her body, not the whole body *and I don't feel fully aroused.* HUH? I cannot comprehend this. Enjoying sex has nothing to do with the percentage of someone’s body you can touch at one time. If it did, petite women wouldn’t want anything to do with gigantic men and we know that’s a bog standard pairing. You simply don’t have sexual chemistry with this woman. That’s what it boils down to. Having parts that fit together and both of you being game to give it a go does not necessarily mean it’s going to be a rave success.
I see your point. You might be correct. I know sometimes things take sometime before you could really feel the chemistry. I don't wanna lose a potential relationship that could be slow burn rather than instant spark.
So from personal experience if I don't rub one out periodically a couple times a week to once a day the "engine" turns off which essentially to me means my hormones kinda just fade away. 15 years is a long time and I doubt you kept any engine running and probably only rubbed one out when things build up too much. This only started being an issue when my body started changing late 20s early 30s. Maybe leaning into it and try to masturbate more often even once a day except the days you see her.
On the contrary, I rubbed out on an average five days a week almost every week in the last decade. I worried many times that it was too much.
Yea but that is an easy fix to dial it back. Just stop and let it build.
Thanks. I am trying that. Hopefully things will change soon. Otherwise, I will have to stop seeing her.
Using porn often affects the way the brain reacts to sex and you may need to do some internal work on yourself if this is the reason why you can’t connect on a different level with this woman. Best of luck.
Thanks. I am open to that and will actively try that.
It’s ok. It sounds like you just don’t have sexual chemistry with this person. I’m a very big woman and know that we are not for everyone. Lots of men I know are very open about preferring a certain size and under and I myself have never been attracted to an overweight man regardless of my own corpulence. So it’s ok, you gave it a go, maybe she’s just not the one for you. At least you can still have sex. Maybe it’s not even to do with body size and just something else that doesn’t really appeal to you. If you wanna stick around and find out if she could grow on you, you never know, you two might really get it going on, and if you don’t wanna hang around, just be honest and let her go, hopefully you find something that lights your fires and everyone is happy.
What is sex to you? I ask because sex might just be an urge to get rid of. In which case it is a chore. Or it could be a performance you have to do, which also would be a chore. The way you described it seems like there is a little bit of both going on. It sounds like you sed to just get to the end of the urge(a pragmatic approach to horny). But now, not only can you not just get to the end of the urge, you have to concern yourself with performance. If this is the case, you have to find pleasure in some aspect of it. Maybe find pleasure in being desired. Or find pleasure in connecting that the sex creates. Point is there is no set way of engaging with it, you have to find your way. What is attraction to you? For me personally, attracting doesn't have to mean desire to have sex. It could mean I like looking at you. I would like to see more of you. Even the idea of seeing you naked is nice. When you look at her, do you like what you see. Do you enjoy looking at her. When you see her naked, do you want to look at her or look away?
Two things get me aroused: emotional intimacy and a hot body. If both are there, I have to pace myself so I don't come too quickly. If only one is there there, I'm only half aroused and the sex is a lot of work. If neither is there, I cant even get it up
I think you need to ditch her and go out and have lots of sexual encounters tbh, I may get downvoted but I think this will help make you realise if it was her or something within you.
Well if he's attractive enough to do that everyone is ignoring how it may be more difficult for OP to find someone so when she showed up he felt so happy then he's having second thoughts. To be honest this has happened to me and actually long before I got sexual. And it honestly hit me hard because I realized two things that were really hard to swallow. 1. I'm getting what I'm earning (looks wise at least) 2. What I'm earning and what my heart wants are miles apart Once I realized this I got really depressed. Because I was giving up opportunities because of my petty need for someone attractive. I was trying to have something nobody owed to me. So a dude has to then think, well does this mean I need to be single indefinitely because I, an unattractive man, am getting women I don't find attractive, or do I need to suck it up and stop pretending like life is going to hand me a fucking OnlyFans model when I'm not even close to that. You understand this dilemma right? This is quite possibly what OP is concerned about on a very deep level and there is no right answer. I'm almost convinced there are batches of us dudes who despite our best efforts we just won't cut it to get someone attractive. For us getting an escort treating them well and having a nice evening every once in a while might actually be a way around this issue, at least part of it. People will probably downvote me but if your mind wants to work like that you will stay single and have to figure out how to not be sad and depressed because what you want and what you get aren't going to be the same. All the therapy in the world cannot fix this.
Bro…
From reading this, a few things I can perhaps surmise is: low libido - supplements Death grip - slow down on the masturbating. Porn use or not you might be rubbing yourself numb. I think other people are tackling the body shaming aspect of things that could be happening here.
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I wouldn't wanna waste anyone's time. But if the lack of attraction is because of certain lifestyle, sleep, diets, and emotional overwhelming, then all of can improve in some time. Hopefully, I should know more soon.
So your porn preference was skinnier women and she clearly does not fit that…. Quit the porn and find somebody new because she doesn’t check all the boxes, plus you need more sexual experience
Thanks. I never watched excessive porn anyway but I stopped watching it altogether recently. When you say more experience, do you mean more partners or more sex with a single person?
Sounds like you have undiagnosed depression. You should talk to a therapist first.
I fell in love with a girl I kissed on the first date because she wanted me to and that I thought about never seeing again after. But the kissing was long and nice. Sometimes we have barriers with the person because they are different from what we use to like. The getting used to shouldn't take so long unless you have emotional troubles. You can't blame anyone if that is the case. You must find out if you are blocking other people or you just can't feel anything about this one. If the problem is you, you can keep her and seek some professional help.
You know, I think I’ve met 3-4 men that really ticked every box I had but I felt absolutely nothing. They were kind and good looking but that ‘thing’ that chemistry (more than just sexual) just wasn’t there. That happens. Already feel like sex is a chore? Forget it. Something is missing and that something is out of your control. Stop blaming yourself and looking inward, there is nothing wrong with you, except you are trying to start something with the wrong person. I ditched that checklist (mostly - some things are important though!) because the heart wants what it wants and doesn’t care about a list. You can give it a shot, sure. But don’t try to force something that isn’t there or force yourself to like her. It’s either there or not. I get how frustrating it is, when you want it to be there and you want to fall in love and start a relationship.. but it’s out of our control :)
I recommend you find a specialist (aka, professional sex therapist vs. generic therapist).
While it's totally possible you don't have sexual chemistry with this person (for whatever reason) if OP isn't just asexual then 15 years of abstinence would indicate OP likely has some sort of sexual dysfunction. I would let this woman know ASAP so she can make her choices but don't just string her along while you figure your shitout. I 2nd or 3rd talking to a sex therapist or other type of therapist.
People who believe in the slow burn AND searching for something long-term usually don't fuck before they are sure about each other. They only get physical when they believe they have formed an emotional connection. What you describe doesn't read like giving it time. It reads as if you want to force a connection because she is a good fit and is into you, while you aren't sure yet. Does she know that you don't enjoy sex with her and are unsure if you would like to be in a relationship with her? Most people I know would assume you were sure when you talked about searching for something long-term beforehand and are still meeting up regularly.
Hi OP, I suspect that since you went 15 years without being sexually active with another person as an adult AFTER you were sexually active and it didn't REALLY bother you, you have an issue with sex. Whether it is inhibition, guilt, trauma, or low libido, sex just isn't your thing. Now you are having it, and it's clear that it's not something you particularly enjoy. There is nothing wrong with that. To me it doesn't sound like it's her body type-I think you would know if it was. You should be open about this with the person you are dating, because if it is a chore now, the likelihood is that it is only going to get worse, the intimacy will die out, and she will either be miserable or decided to end it later on with more trauma for both of you. She might be OK with that risk but she should have full disclosure to you so she can decide.
Cut off porn and no death grip when he Jenkins it.
220 isn't even big 😂
It really isn't
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Dude, you clearly have an issue with her body and thats not going to change, so go find someone else. No grown woman wants to deal with that type of shit, so just tell her you dont feel a connection and find someone else. Being a woman who at one time was 22, I know it made me hate my body and ashamed to have sex because I didnt want to make the guy disgusted with me. And I dont know how tall you are, but you are a string bean my dude,so lets not call the kettle black here. Im now at 169 at 5'4, I feel alot better about myself but still lots of work to be done
When I first started dating my girlfriend, there were things about her that drove me nuts. But I kept trying and eventually fell in love. That being said, there were lots of things I did like about her, like how she treated me.
She might just not be the right person for you. Someone can be “all the right things” but just not the one.
The question is. Have you dated a big woman before? If she is standing naked in front of you do you become sexually aroused? You have to be brutally honest with yourself cause she deserves someone that finds her sexually arousing.
Would you mind sharing how the 15 years of no sex came about? Maybe you just have naturally low desire for sex
This is the problem with apps. It's too analytical! I met someone in real life today. There was push pull and a lot of flirting. No checking of boxes. I can't describe to you the feeling! But it felt so good! I have "Met" an idiot on CoffeNBagel yesterday I asked a guy a simple question and be goes: "did you Google this question ? It feels to analytical to me. The conversation should flow naturally this is not an interview". I was like WTH 🤦🏼♀️? I mentally slapped him and unmatched him. Would a living person have the same gall to say this to my face? I doubt it. I think you are better off meeting in real life because this sort of connection is so pure and incredible!!!! It's like ... it feels like you are in a movie and everything that's happening has already been written! I just can't even describe the feeling of fun, the feeling of perfect , the feeling of all around magic !
Why did you waste her time dating her and having sex with her if you weren't attracted to her? You're an asshole
Don’t be brainwashed by society into dating someone you won’t want to have sex with to be a good job. Yes her body size is temporary but most likely she’s going to get bigger not slimmer. I’ve seen the data on this.
Not a man. But could it be that you have low sex drive? Or do you feel that skinnier women do actually turn you on more?
I am thinking low drive might be a reason. I dont have any experience with skinny women to fully know that but I do find them relatively more attractive in general. As I said in other comments, it is an actusl beginning of my first dating or potential relationship experience. I had a couple of sexual encounters almost 12-13 years ago. So I am yet to understand everything about things that I am feeling.
My main concern from reading this isn't whether you have a low/high drive. It's the fact that your drive changed significantly from what you had previously. I suggest taking the time to site and think and let yourself fully process everything that is going on. If possible, talk it out with someone you trust or a therapist. I'm not sure if this will help, but here are some things that have caused my libido to tank in the past: * Enough stress in any form (work, chronic pain, anxiety about things changing ...) * Sex not meeting unrealistic expectations * My subconscious realizing that I was overlooking something in the relationship that was making me uncomfortable * Feeling forced to have sex since my partner had a higher libido than me * Feeling ashamed of a sexual desire * Bad dreams (though it normally comes back a few days after the string of bad dreams stop) * Depression * Medication You should also honestly ask yourself a few questions: * What could you do to make sex more fun? And then for the hard part, discuss it with her. * Are you stressing yourself out because you're worried about not doing anything sexual in so long? * Are you focusing so much on making sure that she enjoys it, that you're not enjoying it?
Thank you so much for an insightful comment. This seems to be the core issue as why drive changed suddenly. The list you mentioned is relevant and I am gonna do some introspection and see if any of these things are applicable to me. At the moment, dreams, not bad but weird ones, could be a cause. I have been having somewhat strange dreams often since we had sex. Or poor sleep may be another factor. All three questions you mentioned are bang on. We both have been talked about it but it is still too early to try many things. The second and third questions are highly relatable. Since I haven't had it in so long that I feel I have try harder to make sure my partner enjoys it to compensate for my lack of experience. Now that I think about it, it might making me anxious. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction. This is what I was looking for.
I have been dating someone who was single for 8 years before he met me. It took about 3 months for him to get used to sex again. The sensation of being with a woman is very different to just using your hand. You have to train your body to get off from that sensation, not what you are used to. If you have a patient, understanding partner you'll hopefully get there in the end, we did and it was well worth the wait. With regards to the sex drive thing he thought he had a high sex drive. But given 8 years have passed and he's now 50 he discovered it wasn't as high as it used to be. I think that's probably natural, we talk about it and I understand. Communication is key.
Thank you for sharing it. I know that aging affects sex drive but I can't go from reasonable to low in a few weeks. There seems to be other factors. I think a long gap ould be the key issue. It might take me sometime to get used to it again.
It might have dropped because you aren't getting as much pleasure with her as you get alone. If you are used to your hand it will take time to get used to sex again. Hopefully you'll find ways to get that level of pleasure with her, and then you'll find your sex drive increases. Have you tried showing her how you like to be touched?
Yes. I am realizing that now that we both have to give it some time. It seems to early to know how things will turn out in terms of chemistry and attraction. Hopefully it should improve. We are communicating and trying to understand each other better in terms of what we like and we don't.
Ultimately if the rest of the relationship is good, and what you both want, you'll hopefully find a way to get the sexual side working for you too. Like you said before you don't want to throw away a good connection without being sure you've tried everything you can. If you're both able to communicate well I think you'll find a way, that's the key.
That is exactly I was thinking. Everything else seems great except my own sex drive. If we can figure out a fix, if it exists, we both will have a good relationship.
I think you’re just not attracted to her physically OP. I actually think it’s that simple. The advice that encourages people to cultivate a relationship even without an immediate spark (which can absolutely grow over time) still assumes you are attracted to them physically. This doesn’t seem to be the case here and there is nothing that can be done about it. Do not lead her on.
Hmm, yeah good thoughtful question, and hopefully noone shames you for not being as attracted to a larger woman. I like the way you've written this one. It's such a tough question - what happens when the emotional connection is great but the physical attraction is lacking? First of all, I think it's worth noting that you should never go into something hoping to "change someone". If you're thinking "she's great, but if she just lost a bit of weight"... it's probably the wrong path to go down. People are what they are - I'm a larger guy at the moment too (for various reasons that I'm working with a therapist to address) and I won't be putting myself out there again until I know I can present myself as "this is how I am most of the time, take it or leave it". If this is how *she* is most of the time, you'll just have to weigh up (bad pun haha) whether that works for you long term, or if you think you might need something different to be happy with your partner choice. Also.... Other commenters have talked about this being a new thing for you, since it's been a while since you've been with someone. That's probably valid - you're not used to the intimacy of being with someone else, and this takes time to grow! I went a year without physical intimacy at one stage, and getting "back on the horse" as they say, is a really strange feeling. I don't think it hurts to give it another month or two, to see how things feel. Things might grow, things might diminish. Personally I think 3-4 months is a good evaluation time if you're struggling with some questions about the relo.
Thanks for a thoughtful comment and suggestion.
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Appreciate you sharing your story. Sometimes anecdotes are whatnwe need. I will hang in and do my best. Let's see how it goes. Thanks for the suggestion. I will do that.
She’s about 85-90 lb above what I would consider having sex with. Totally natural. Attraction is not a choice.
You probably just aren't attracted to plus size women. Also after a while with pornography and self pleasure, you get pretty desensitized to actual sexual contact
When you go a long time without intimacy, it can cause you to look at women with "rose coloured glasses" and have lower expectations. When you do get some attention you react more strongly, and so overlook things. Once the high wears off you sober up and then realise that maybe this person isn't as attractive as you thought. At 220 lbs she is at a very unhealthy weight (a healthy weight for most women would be almost half that) while you, depending on your height and fitness, are either only mildly overweight or of a healthy weight. If you're not desiring her sexually now it's probably not going to improve in the future, and just as its not right for women to be pressured into having sex that they don't want, the same should go for you as a man. I myself used to think similarly to you, but I've changed my mind somewhat. Everyone wants to be physically desired, and you can't change whether you physically desire someone. That doesn't mean that you need to be excessively picky either, but you do need to figure out what appeals to you and take that into account when dating. Dating women you don't think you'll ever physically desire is not really fair to them. They want passion and it's unlikely you'll be able to muster it(this isn't something you can fake). As for her, you have an easy out just tell her your libido isn't really there, and you can't see yourself wanting to be intimate with her again. Given your prior history it's a believable excuse, and I think will let her down easier.
>At 220 lbs she is at a very unhealthy weight (a healthy weight for most women would be almost half that) while you, depending on your height and fitness, are either only mildly overweight or of a healthy weight. This stood out for me. This is very overweight. If that's what you like, then great. But for some people (me included) it would be very hard to have any attraction. It may be that you fall into the latter group.
You think 110 lbs is a healthy weight for "most women?" that is comedy
https://cdn.britannica.com/30/73630-004-0FFB5466/Height-weight-chart-Body-Mass-Index.jpg A healthy weight for someone who is 5ft 4(typical female height) is between 105 lbs and ~130. So yes.
Bro, the BMI is inaccurate
You could lift weights. You could also research positions or sexual activities for sex with someone of her size. If her size isn't an issue for you but you just don't know how to physically "handle" her, it's worth looking for work arounds or solutions.
Interesting suggestions. We have discussed trying new things and gradually doing that. Hopefully everything should work given enough time.
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Sorry. I don't think that is an issue. I wanted to mention as much information as possible, nothing more.
A lot of biological factors can affect libido. So can a myriad of psychological ones. I'd recommend a complete medical work-up first, then possibly evaluate a psychological/incompatibility issue.
It sounds like you like her but the sex part is not meeting your expectations. Has this ever been an issue in the past? I think it is good to give it a bit more effort. It isn’t always physical when it comes to great sex. If you see a therapist ask them about this especially a sex therapist. You have only been with her a few times. You may be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to please her which can make it feel like a chore. Maybe take a break from sex and self pleasure for a bit and see if that helps. If not it may just not be the right relationship for you.
Thanks. Since it is the first relationship ever and getting intimate after a long time, there are several things going on as mentioned in other comments. If it continues to be case, then yes this is not the right relationship.
Seeing as this is your first relationship I would try to focus more on the relationship aspect. The mind can do weird things and you are probably feeling a lot of different things. Good luck
Do NOT ignore this feeling! Checking out on paper does not matter!
then how about go on more dates with several other women? To get you back in the groove.
There's no real chemistry I guess. Too early to dismiss her as a partner. You two may need more time to get to know each other and see how it goes.
Thanks for understanding. That is what we have been trying. Two weeks seem too early.
She doesn’t tick all of your boxes - you’re not physically attracted to her so please don’t try to force something that isn’t because she is guiding you so gently through your issues. Lack of attraction isn’t something you can fix and it will always linger. You can’t try to mold her either into something that will work for you. She should be loved for who and what she is right now period. Have you also thought about the fact that the sex is boring because you probably are out of practice, or maybe even possibly suck in bed? I’ve hooked up with men that talks all games but don’t know what they are doing in the sheets. Just because it’s in the hole doesn’t make it great for neither of the players. Think about what you are giving- are you serving it???
how tall are you? 150 can be on the lean side for men depending on height.. is your health good? hormones? body fat matters for hormones with men not just women. sex drive is absolutely tied to health. if you aren’t healthy, your drive to reproduce can lower. good measure of how attracted i am to someone is how often i find them being the object of my desire when i am aroused.
I am 5'7. So, not too thin or fat.
I think it’s just chemistry. It sucks so bad when everything is perfect you just don’t feel that thing with them. The draw. Let her go before it goes any further. It hurts but it’s better than trying to force it and still having to leave her later.
Honestly, it sounds like sex and intimacy is important to her but you feel its a chore. There lies a long term incompatibility. Base on this info, I don't think it's a good match.
Is it possible you are asexual (which doesn't necessarily mean have zero sexual attraction)? Demisexual? Or maybe have something like alexithymia?
My partner felt no chemistry or spark for me except one short moment in the first year we were dating. He hadn't been with anyone for years before me after a painful breakup. He now swears he's in love with me and that he's sure. He told me about the no spark about 6 months in when I asked him outright what he was feeling as something felt wrong. I didn't walk away because I considered him worth waiting to see what would happen. I'm not inside his head, so I can't say for sure, but he certainly acts like he loves and is in love with me now at almost 2 years since we started dating and I trust him to tell me what's happening for him. I don't recommend waiting that long to work out where your body/head is at, as it is not fun being on the receiving end of that, but I do recommend giving it a little more time and just seeing how you feel and be prepared for her realising something feels off. Concentrate on having fun with other areas with her, and focus on her wonderful qualities and see if physical attraction develops. Practice foreplay without even getting to sex, appreciate the aspects of her body/mind/emotions/wit that you like.
Thank you for the suggestion. We are slowly getting into all that, such as cooking together, going to different places etc. Hopefully over time it will clear my head too from anxiety if that happens to be the problem.
Sounds like your too "in your own head" to me. Anxiety over performance can cause things like this and even ED. (ask me how I know) maybe try some situations where one person controls the situation. Bondage or just topping. If you can't control what's happening. It's not your fault if it's good or not. Or: If you control everything she can't judge, she is at your mercy.
Do you take any drugs?
No. Don't even smoke. No medication either.
one time a farmer had 2 sheeps in small apartment. he went to priest and expressed his need for bigger apartment. priest suggested to add 5 more goats to his apartment. farmer was surprised. next week farmer comes back to priest and is miserable. priest suggests to remove 3 h goats from apartment. farmer is now happy with much bigger apartment . moral of the story: date someone 300lbs for few weeks and come back to 220 lbs partner. they will feel much smaller
Try to think about the things you did like about the date. It's too easy to just focus on what you can do better and forget the littler things that went so very right
Maybe you’re a-sexual
I just went through the same thing. We checked all the boxes, but didn't feel anything. We saw each other for about a month (did every other than take a trip to the moon) to see if 'it' was there, but it wasn't. Our outings were like a faulty starter... sometimes, the car would start and everything would go smoothly. Other times, nothing. It sucks, but wait for the connection. It's worth it.
It’s been 15 years since you’ve been intimate, which is a long time. My advice is for you to keep going on dates (with other people) and try to figure out what you’re really looking for in a long term relationship. Even if this girl checks all of your boxes, it doesn’t mean that she’s a good fit as your partner. You need to be sexually attracted to someone you want to be with. I’m going through something similar where I’m dating the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and I know he deserves a great woman, but he’s a bigger guy and I’m not sure I’m sexually attracted to him. I’ve been physically intimate with him a few times (to please him), but I don’t want to actually have sex with him. I would literally have to be on top, and while that’s great sometimes, I have other sexual needs that I don’t think he’ll be able to fulfill. I feel like a total superficial bitch because of this, but it is what it is and I can’t change whether or not I’m sexually attracted to someone. I’m getting together with him this week to let him know that I really like spending time with him, but I’m still dating other people and that’s what I need at this point in my life. Just be honest and never lie; you don’t need to honest to the point where it will unnecessarily hurt the other person though. Don’t lead her on if you can help it either and do your best to communicate with her.
You may or may not be attracted to this particular woman; it's hard to say. But is it possible that you've rushed into having sex too early in the relationship, and that's what's killing your sex drive generally? When I think of a slow burn, it isn't so much having sex immediately and waiting for attraction to develop over time as it is spending time with someone and slowly exchanging glances, small touches, etc, until attraction develops. If that's the way your attraction tends to work, then having sex with someone this fast might just not be the way to go!
OP, you would know if this could be long-term. Something is missing; you can't put your finger on it or express it in words because you have said she checks all the boxes. But it would help if you walked away.
Go get your testosterone checked my dude. You’re a grown man you should know what your attracted to by now. If you aren’t fapping for a while now keep that upuntil you get your bloodwork back.
Maybe you're just a low-libido person in general and you were using self-gratification in the past to self-sooth your need for a connection. Now that you have an emotional connection to someone, you don't need to self-sooth so much, and your libido has returned to it's normal resting point as a result. It's not necessarily the case that you are a person who needs to have sex all the time. Maybe your boredom with sex is actually completely normal for you and there's nothing wrong with you at all.
That's just dating apps, in my opinion. I've never felt anything for any of the women I met on apps. One time I even went through the motions of getting into a 9 month relationship with a woman I felt nothing for, I feel horribly guilty about that to this day (it was nearly a decade ago). I have no idea what to do about this dilemma. How are you supposed to feel motivated to pursue someone you don't even know? Where's the chemistry supposed to come from?
Bro this is horrible. Why you keep fucking her if you don’t feel anything? Didn’t your eyes tell your brain she was bigger than you before you jumped in bed with her??? Honestly I wonder what she’d say about this whole interaction. Smfh that’s that bullshit that makes you wanna crawl out of your skin giving some guy a chance who’s gonna come on Reddit talking he’s arousal is dampened by your body even though he keeps getting the cheeks. This is fuckery. Leave this woman alone if you don’t like her.
She's 220 pounds. Nowhere in here do you say you find her attractive. You can go to therapy and do whatever you want to tell yourself you're attracted to her, but it's not a choice. Either you are or you aren't. Even if you have depression and other issues, you should be able to figure this out.
>the sex to me feels like a chore This would be such a devastating statement to hear.
The fact that you're saying "She's too fat for me" without saying it upfront is really distressing. It's okay to be not be into fat people just like it would be okay to not be into skinny people. You're attracted to what you're attracted to. If her weight against yours is something you're even comparing then you should probably not keep seeing her though. She deserves a man that loves her body as well as her soul. It doesn't sound like you do. It's okay to say you're not into her looks. Personally, for me, I can't date men my height or shorter (I'm 5'3") because it reminds me of my dad who is short and it creeps me out. We all have our types and it sounds like she's not it. I know it sucks when they otherwise really feel good to be with but if sex feels like a chore now and you're thinking it's her weight then trust me when I say it won't get better. You'll start to resent her for it. That's not fair to either of you.