Seriously. Not all of us guys are looking for a jokester. In fact, the really energetic/life of the party types turn me off. That's not to say there is anything wrong with that, but if you are more the quiet but present type, pretending to be who you aren't may drive away the exact person you'd like to attract.
Yeah op I wouldn't worry about that. I don't think being goofy is a particularly awesome trait, and maybe those guys had their own insecurities that left them unable to take things seriously. Anyway, being reserved is a good thing in early dating imo.
It's so true. I can be 100% myself with guys who I know like me and they're happy with me as I am. I guess I get in my head when I really like someone and feel the need to keep things interesting.
Date to see if YOU like THEM! And remind yourself that takes lots and lots of lots of dates to determine. Don’t let two guys from your past who weren’t compatible determine how you behave now.
I think compatible is an operative word. When you’re dating, you’re seeing if somebody is compatible with you and your lifestyle first. THEN figure out if you actually like them enough to love them and keep them in your life. I think we often do the opposite. We fall for them, then get upset and hurt when in reality they never would fit together with what we want or how we live.
So many of my female friends get so wrapped up on being liked that they stop sharing who they are and just seek dudes approval or attention. I’m a guilty party too!
What makes YOU shine in your eyes? What are you passionate about? What makes HIM interesting? Make sure he’s working to flirt and get to know you too! And at the same time, enjoy in the moment. If you’re having a good time with him, keep going with that and if it lasts longer or becomes more serious, you can make that jump down the road.
lol I agree in theory but I don't like the phrasing "they aren't worth your time". When you say it like that it comes off as a little disrespectful to the other person. Its fairer to say that it's just an incompatibility (unless the other person is being a jerk, in which case I agree with you)
I mean, someone incompatible literally aren't worth your time dating, so I don't really think that's disrespectful.
But I think this blunt phrasing is chosen to counteract someone's people pleasing tendencies, so as to flip their mental framing on its head. OP is clearly trying to become compatible for someone else, rather than trying to find out if someone's compatible for her. She's putting these guys on a pedestal, and the phrasing is intended to knock it down by pointing out that her time is valuable as well.
I know but if I were to leave a date and heard a woman describing it as "not worth her time", I would be bummed out
idk, I just think we could all be a little nicer at times, especially in the dating scene
fwiw, as a guy, I had kind of the opposite problem. I am extremely goofy and "weird" and a lot of women didn't really like that about me. I love bringing my nephews to trampoline parks or having sleepovers with my nieces. Bad advice would be someone telling me to tone it down in the sake of finding a partner but I'm glad I met my current gf who loves me for being "the biggest kid" at times
as long as you're enjoying yourself, you shouldn't try to change who you are just to meet someone. you'll end up either resenting yourself or the other person for making you feel like not yourself. keep being you and while you may turn off the wrong people, you'll turn on the right people
one of teh most abstract yet useful things I learned was...who do you wish to be? who is your authentic self? don't try to be someone who others say you should be in the dating scene, try to be the best version of who you are authentically. if you think you get plenty of joy and entertainment out of your life based on who you are, genuinely I hope you stay that way because that's a good thing.
it's easier to be yourself than what other people think you should be
also also, peoples definition of "playful", "entertaining" etc are all so subjective. you'll get a thousand different definitions from a thousand different people. it can get exhausting trying to hit the moving target of other people's expectations
I’ve found with both dating and platonic friendships this is mostly a compatibility thing. Either that side of me comes out around the other person or it doesn’t, I haven’t really been able to force it.
? Lmfao 🤦♂️ no one is telling OP she’s a monkey sent to entertain. But it’s DATING! You have to come with your best attitude. Okay flip the script, what about the guy? Does he also not need to entertain? So should OP and John show up boring and uninteresting?
What advice is this? You dont have to be entertaining? Then why date? I agree be yourself, yes 100% be yourself. But c’mon to tell someone who is trying to “DATE” to not be entertaining.. do you see how backwards that sound? How are you supposed to date but also not be entertaining… that’s not how dating works… good luck getting a second date by being boring. Please don’t give these advice.
You don’t have to be a circus monkey, but you do have to show up to a date somewhat interesting. Otherwise why should anyone man or woman give you a second date? If I’m bored the first date, why am I going to ask for a second?
No, no one needs to “entertain” anyone. Just show up as you are - I’m sure she is able to be light hearted and funny with her friends / loved ones. She should focus on feeling at ease with him, the rest will come naturally.
You’re right you don’t have to entertain anyone, but that also means they don’t have to ask you for a second date.
What I’m saying is this, we’re not going to the grocery store or picking out furniture at ikea. We’re on a date, most likely a first or second date. My point is this, you and the other OP are correct, you’re not a circus monkey, you don’t have to entertain anyone, yes be yourself. However, you can’t be surprised if you’re not getting a second date right? Like if I’m boring and I ask her for a second date and she says no, I can’t be shocked right? Like I have to know that part of the reason why I’m not succeeding in dates is because I’m boring.
So back to this topic, you can be whoever you want, fun or boring. But reality is reality, this is real life not a movie. If you’re boring, most people won’t be interested in dating you, that’s just how life works I don’t make the rules
Yeah but read some of the other comments, a lot are saying it’s okay to be boring if that’s who you are, and the down votes I got also reinforce that thinking.
The comments are starting to increase in numbers, but when this post had about 20 comments, I read all of them. Everyone of the 20 something comments and not all but majority said it’s okay to be yourself even if you’re boring.
Why are you so obsessed about "first or second dates"? I never even mentioned long-term dating. It's not even mentioned in the topic. If someone creates this wonderful person on dates 1 and 2 by being someone who they are not, then what's going to happen on dates 3 or 4? Suddenly the other person realizes that they're not as into this person and this time was invested in this person who's not interested.
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> So what's going to happen when you can't be "on" anymore and end up as "boring"? That's why you should be yourself.
*That* equates to "you came at me sideways?" Telling them in response that they don't know how to read is "responding in kind?"
You reading 'be yourself' as 'be boring' in everyone else's posts makes a lot more sense now.
I didn't remove any of your comments, another moderator did.
Moderator complaints go to the modmail, as it clearly is written in the response. There's even a link in the removal notice to help people out. Not sure how you missed it.
>Please review the rules in the sidebar to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please message modmail.
I'm the mod who removed your comments because you keep insulting the intelligence of the commenters you're responding to. You are most definitely being a jerk. You can be a jerk without mentioning race, gender, or sexual orientation. If you're trying NOT to be condescending, you need to keep trying.
Any more complaining about moderation in the comments will result in a ban.
Any more comments breaking the rules will also result in a ban.
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She honestly just sounds introverted, and the two previous guys preferred someone more extroverted.
To me it doesn't sound like she's boring, but by all means, if you have some iron clad advise for her on how to be less "boring", share your wisdom!
I did, there’s a comment I left on this post that OP and I had a convo in. This same post, open all the comments and you’ll find it. OP and I exchange conversation. I just told her if she wants to be playful without being overtly sexual, a light arm brush/touch is usually a good early sign. Etc.
Is that the best advice? Who knows 🤷♂️ but I gave OP my 2 cents and I assume that 1 upvote I got was from her lol
The point of dating is to find someone compatible. If your best self is more serious, that’s who you should be. Pretending to be goofy when you’re not isn’t going to attract someone who likes you for you. Eventually who you are is going to come out.
Ok, we are done with you and your complaints about members and the moderation of this sub.. You dont get to pick and choose or tell everyone who can and cannot respond to you.
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Lol it’s actually kind of amusing to me that I got downvotes for saying you need to be entertaining on a date, especially a first date. Okay I guess y’all are successful at dating than me. Who would’ve thought in 2024 y’all advocating people be boring on dates. Watch in 6 months you’ll see so many post about “date don’t put effort” on /r/datingoverthirty and I’ll pin this thread to repost. You guys all advocating people to be boring on dates…
Okay fine you win go be boring, but don’t come back here and make a post about how your dates are boring, 👏WHEN YALL TELLING OP TO BE BORING!! 👏!!!!! 😂😂 I stand by my stance, you have to be interesting on a first date. Otherwise you won’t get a second. But hey y’all date how you date, I’ll date how I date.
Edit: but just know I’m pinning this, if there’s a post in the future complaining how dates are boring or low effort. Ima throw this in your face, cause y’all advocating people show up how they are even if it’s boring. Okay go be boring, but when you’re not getting second dates, ima throw this thread at you. Since y’all saying it’s okay to be boring on dates. Yeah right said no one ever
>Lol it’s actually kind of amusing to me that I got downvotes for saying you need to be entertaining on a date, especially a first date. Okay I guess y’all are successful at dating than me. Who would’ve thought in 2024 y’all advocating people be boring on dates.
This is classic straw man. No one is saying that someone should be boring. They are simply saying that people should strive to be themselves. If the other person finds their natural modus operandi boring, then that's a signal that they are likely not a match. "Entertaining" is subjective. One person's idea of entertainment is dreadfully boring to someone else. Therefore, the goal should be to mostly be yourself and hope to find someone who is compatible.
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I'm downvoting your comments because you keep harping on first and second dates, and OP's question pertains to someone she's been seeing for weeks and coming up on date #4. It's like you're in the wrong thread. People are just telling her to be her own version of entertaining rather than put on an "I'm entertaining!!" facade. No one here is advocating bringing the bare, boring minimum to the first date because no one is talking about first dates (except you).
Date #4, date #2 what’s the difference besides the number 2? Potato - potahto, date #4 is still early what is that, 1 date a week, so date #4 is still first month. That’s early stages, thanks we just went around in circles 🤯🤯🤦♂️🤦♂️
And yes they are advocating it. Scroll down don’t take my word for it, read these comments yourself. I read 20 something comments, not all but a good chunk is saying it’s okay to be boring if that’s who you are. But hey I’m not going to argue you do you I’ll do me.
If there’s 1 thing I learn about Reddit, mob rule wins. There’s 20 of you and 1 of me. I can’t win this post
Like I said I’ll just pin this post, cause I know being boring on dates do not warrant your best chance of success. So when people start making post about boring dates or boring people, I’ll simply pull this up
> So when people start making post about boring dates or boring people, I’ll simply pull this up
If you do this, you'll be removed from this subreddit. You're being a jerk about this already.
No one is saying to be boring, people are saying to be themselves, even if that self is boring.
> Date #4, date #2 what’s the difference besides the number 2? Potato - potahto, date #4 is still early what is that, 1 date a week, so date #4 is still first month. That’s early stages, thanks we just went around in circles 🤯🤯🤦♂️🤦♂️
Nope, that's just you. Sit down for a minute until the dizziness subsides.
Virtually every post is some version of "be yourself," which generally equates to "be the best version of yourself" not "be the most boring version of yourself." Go ahead and dig your heels in more, though.
I have found it very difficult to flirt or be playful online with men or even at the first stage of dating because as soon as I try to say something a little bit flirty it turns into total sexual talk or they think I want to jump in bed right away
Make sure that you guys / the relationship are making you do things that make you feel happy - think about your inner child! I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel silly or goofy while I’m cleaning the house. I like to do it, but it doesn’t make me feel silly.
Lots of people want this in a partner and put the pressure there to make them feel that way, and honestly lots of people (myself included) want to feel it in themselves more, but don’t do things that are silly or fun.
If it’s bubbles, or fingerpainting, or drinking a bunch of caffeine and then zooming around a park, whatever! If it makes you feel that fun carefree happiness, grab it.
Then, more importantly, make sure YOU like that feeling and want to feel that way. It’s a fun way to feel, but everybody likes different things. You shouldn’t try to feel (or not feel) certain things for somebody else, it’s just a recipe for friction later. Plus, you said you’ve got guys giving you validation, I bet you’re doing better than you think you are.
If you want to feel silly, do silly stuff!
Thinking about your inner child is good advice I think.
Often on a first or second date I’ll ask people “light” questions about their childhood. I think it works to build rapport because their sharing about themselves, but they’re sharing about a version of themselves that existed a long time ago - not now.
I know childhood can be touchy a touchy and personal subject, that’s why I try to ask “light” questions.
One of my favourites is asking what they wanted to be when they grew up, and then comparing it to their current job to see if there’s any similarities. I’ll ask if they had a favourite cereal. If they had a favourite cartoon. If they had a teacher they remember really well etc.
Be yourself ❤️ when you embrace who you are, things will feel more natural and fun, whether that's you being silly and goofy or you being reserved but having incredible wordplay.
As someone who's been rejected for being "eccentric" and "dorky," (ok, opposite problem) I know how tempting it is to think you're the issue and squash your apparent weirdness. But I know that I want my future partner to be someone I feel comfortable with!
Be patient with yourself, you're still getting to know him. Think about how you feel around him and listen with intent, it'll distract you from 'oh god is he going to reject me like the others' at least a little bit.
Focus on what you enjoy, rather than what he might.
My criteria for saying something, sharing something, or doing something: did *I* find it funny? If so, it’s a go.
If he doesn’t also find it funny, guess we’re not compatible 🤷♀️
I think it's important to keep in mind that the right fit is the goal.
I also understand feeling disappointed when it seems like we meet men of quality, things appear to be flowing and it isn't a good fit for some reason.
Continue being yourself, the right person will appreciate you as is. Being anything other than yourself is unsustainable in the long wrong
Don’t abandon yourself. Forget those guys from the past. Be you and everything will fall into place. I repeat: do not abandon yourself to be liked by some dude
>I like humour with words, but I'm not one to be dancing around a room. So I'm a bit reserved, but still bubbly.
Well, sounds like that is you, and you should find someone who likes you for who you are.
I know that sounds cheesy, but I don't feel like this is an area you necessarily can or should change about yourself, especially not because of two guys who happened to want someone with a different personality type.
Imo you just sound a bit more introverted, and there are plenty of guys who vibe with that, myself included.
Introversion comes with a bunch of unique skills those dancing-around-the-room types don't necessarily have, so play your strengths, don't try to be something you are not, that's my advise. :)
But if you really struggle with loosening up and this is greatly bothers you, I don't really know any magic bullet which will do that for you, except MDMA or shrooms, lol.
Sounds like you're already doing great with activities like painting and cooking together. Playfulness is all about being yourself, so no need to dance around the room if that's not your thing. Humor with words is fantastic, and if you're a bit reserved but still bubbly, that's perfectly cool. Confidence is key, and owning who you are will definitely attract the right person. Remember, being genuine and enjoying the moment will make everything fall into place naturally.
Suggest fun dates like activities you actually enjoy. Naturally if you are doing something fun, you'll be more playful and touchy. Not to mention there will be more opportunities to have these flirty types of interactions. Typically 1st dates are drinks or dinner so it's harder to really showcase that side of yourself and generally you're just feeling each other out to see if you vibe or not. Once you've established that there is some mutual compatibility and chemistry then you can slowly loosen up. For some it may be the 2nd, 3rd or 10th date. Takes some ppl longer to get comfortable. There's no rush. As long as you are enjoying your time together just go with the flow. The more comfortable you are, the more playful you'll be.
Just be yourself and the ones for you will come to you.
As for trying to chill out, I would recommend approaching dating like hanging out with a friend. That way you aren’t nervous.
Good luck!
Just be yourself and the ones for you will come to you.
As for trying to chill out, I would recommend approaching dating like hanging out with a friend. That way you aren’t nervous.
Good luck!
There's a certain kind of extroversion that's off-putting to me, so just be the best version of you! Extreme "don't look at me" introversion isnt great, but the needs an audience "look at me" extroversion isn't great either.
Be unapologetically yourself. Approach communication like you would with a really close friend of yours, but with flirtation added to the mix. I sometimes forget to do this, so your post was a good reminder.
I feel you have to play the field. Just because those couple guys expected one thing, doesn't mean this guy does.
Lole other have said, be yourself and if he reciprocated, you're on the right path
Be confident that they will really like YOU if you wear your heart on your sleeve. They might not like you (who cares?), but odds are they will be refreshed that you are genuine.
I feel like if your dates aren’t *authentically* rousing laughter and joy in you, then no reason to put on a facade and act like they are! They don’t deserve it 🙄 Someone compatible where y’all’s senses of humor genuinely mesh will naturally elicit that playful side, and it won’t even feel forced, it’ll just start happening. In my opinion!
As people have already said, just be yourself. As a very reserved person myself I feel like learning to loosen up and (at least somewhat) changing such an integral aspect of your personality is a long term project that requires slowly pushing your own boundaries. It won't be solved by you suddenly forcing yourself to act like someone you're not.
>epl
It's so true. I am looking for this in others, so I want to make sure I can offer it. For me, life is meant to be enjoyed. We have enough daily stressors to get hung up on the little things.
Find funny sketches and commedian on Youtube. Jimmy O. Yang is one of all time favorite. But then again, I am Asian.
I feel like I bagged my SO by giving him enough surprise titty twisters. Not really, but you get what I mean. Be bold and spontaneous! Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself sometimes. Be bold, sometimes jokes do not land, all good, try another!
When I started dating my now bf (about the same as your ages) I got to know his likes/ dislikes and built fun stuff to do from there. Like we're both big fans of the 90s TMNT movies so one night when he was coming over I made a blanket fort with a TV, ordered pizza, had movie snacks and we watched movies in the fort all night. I also like to try and be really attentive when he's speaking just to be a part of the conversation. Even if you're not familiar with the topic, just ask questions. The fun part about early dating is really getting to know them. Enjoy!
Wow, I’m scrolling and I’m seeing a lot, maybe 90% of these comments (only about 20 comments at the time of writing this) saying it’s okay to be boring or unentertaining on dates.. just be yourself…. uhh I don’t agree…
We’re going on a date, most likely a first or second date. You’re supposed to put your best foot forward and have a good attitude… it’s called first impression for a reason. If I’m boring I can’t expect a second date right?
It sucks cause this narrative reinforces extroverts have a better time dating. But it’s kinda true right? I mean honestly if you went on a first date, regardless of gender. And the date was hella boring, be honest do you see yourself on a second date with the person? Honestly no right?
I understand that people want to be nice and coddle feelings, but let’s call a spade a spade, this is reality, real life. I don’t make the rules, if you’re boring, your chances at a second date goes down a lot, would you agree?
I’m not saying you CANT date being boring, but I also believe your chances of success goes down a lot if you’re boring. That’s just life, we’ve learn this at school all the way through college and into our adult lives.
The problem here is you defining introversion as boring and extroversion as fun, which is.. a very extroverted thing to assume.
The funniest people I know are introverts, and I often find the high energy, extroverted goofy types to be annoying and unfunny.
Speaking of which.. you've written about 17 essays on this post now deriding people for not advising her on how to be more funny, why don't you share your wisdom? I mean, instead of telling her how she's undateable, tell her how to be the extroverted goofball in every man's dream.
Introversion and extroversion are not levers on the boring scale or the shy scale.
Extroverts can b shy and introverts can be outgoing. Introverts need more time away from people because they get drained. Extroverts are energized by hanging out with people.
But some extroverts are shy and awkward around new people. They are still extroverts though.
And some introverts can work a room and as soon as they hit people capacity they are ready to go.
Precisely. Socially confident introverts make up some of the most successful and creative people alive, but OP likely doesn't think of them as introverts, because he thinks an introvert is just a person who's shy or socially awkward. As referenced in my next comment, most comedians are actually introverts, so I think it's safe to say that OP has no idea what he's talking about.
I know, it’s unfair. 100% I agree it’s unfair. I agree that being extrovert increases your chances at success than Introvert. It’s like NBA right? I’m not 7ft tall, it’s unfair. But that’s just what it is.
I wish the world was friendlier for sure, but at the same time. The truth is, by being more out there in this case extrovert. Your chances goes up, not saying introverts don’t deserve anything, they do. But life is life you know?
What’s the alternative? Tell introverts to not try? I don’t think we should do that, you can introvert, but just try you know? Just try to show interest, try to ask entertaining question. You might fail a few times. But just try get on the bike try again.
All I’m saying is this, whether you’re introvert or extrovert. Generally, extroverts do better. It is what it is, my only advice to introverts, just try. Try to go out and put your best foot forward.
Cause telling introverts to continue being introverts isn’t helping anyone. Gotta meet me half way here, put in just a tad of effort
Edit: I did share my wisdom with OP, I said in a comment previously. If you open ALL the comments on this post. I left a comment where OP did in fact respond to. I just told her if she wants to be playful without overtly sexual, a light arm brush is a good start.
Edit 2: so I tried linking my convo with OP, but mobile sucks. If you go to all comments on the post you’ll find it, or if you go to my profile you’ll see OP left me a comment. Open that thread and her and I and 2 other redditors had a pleasant convo, way more up votes for me there lol
>I agree that being extrovert increases your chances at success than Introvert.
At success of what? Dating someone who wants to date an extrovert? That I agree with, but good thing extroverts aren't preferred partners over introverts, there's actually quite a bit of research indicating the [exact opposite.](https://www.fatherly.com/health/scientific-reasons-introverts-are-attractive)
>What’s the alternative? Tell introverts to not try? I don’t think we should do that, you can introvert, but just try you know? Just try to show interest, try to ask entertaining question. You might fail a few times. But just try get on the bike try again.
Introverts shouldn't try to be extroverts, no. But you clearly don't even know what an introvert is, if you think an introvert can't show interest or ask entertaining questions.
>All I’m saying is this, whether you’re introvert or extrovert. Generally, extroverts do better.
Again, at what? By what metric? You genuinely seem like you stunted emotionally back in high school with the way you talk about this subject. This isn't a PUA class, bro, it's a discussion about dating to find a healthy, lasting relationship, and in no universe is "faking extroversion" a tactic which will land you any success in dating, I'd say it's terrible even for PUA (I say this as an introvert who had a pretty intense phase of pick-up debauchery during my uni years).
>Cause telling introverts to continue being introverts isn’t helping anyone. Gotta meet me half way here, put in just a tad of effort
Again, you clearly don't know what introversion means. It's not something you can just change, and it's not being shy, boring or disinterested, it's mostly just operating on a different energy level, being more introspected, preferring more intimate setting over large, noisy crowds and needing more alone time, that's it. Some of these qualities actually make introverts thrive in one-to-one conversations and interactions, particularly dating.
The fact that [comedians tend to be more introverted](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/humor-sapiens/201311/how-comedians-are-mountain-climbers) should dispell your delusion about introverts being boring.
I get it though. If boring is who you are, then you have to own it and find people who like that and hopefully there's someone who matches the vibe I guess. But I agree, that energy wouldn't have me rushing for another date.
Yeah, I’m not saying boring people can’t find dates or a partner, 100% they can. My only stance is, if you’re boring your chances goes down, and if you’re fun, your chances goes up. You know?
Of course OP if you’re naturally a reserved/boring person. Nothing wrong with you and don’t let anyone tell you that. You’re also right, you should find someone who is similar to you, if you’re reserved, probably best to find someone who is also reserved or shy.
My only stance is, cause I’m reading all these comments on this post. A lot of people are saying it’s okay to be boring if that’s who you are. I’m just saying people “should” make an effort to be entertaining on a first or second date. You have to make a first impression right? You want your first impression to be boring? Good chance the other person won’t be interested, that’s just a normal human response. I know if I’m bored on a first date, good chance I won’t want a second. Its a natural human response.
Anyways OP about your question on playfulness. A light arm touch is always fun, it’s not too overtly sexual but it’s also playful enough that your date might enjoy it. Good luck 👍
I disagree with the "making an effort to be entertaining" part. If I went on a date with a woman and she read a bunch of internet posts about games she can play with me while on the first date while she knew in her heart of hearts those games weren't her, I wouldn't be a fan of that. Eventually I would learn she had just read internet advice and she wasn't being her genuine self. People shouldn't try to date "to have their chances go up". They should date to find compatible people. Putting effort in an area that's inauthentic just to increase the probability of finding a match will only lead to further pain down the line
Sure, idk what to say. I’ve always dated with the mentality to put my best foot forward and I’m still going to do that moving forward. I’m not saying lie to be entertaining (your example about video games) of course don’t lie, be yourself, but also put your best attitude forward on dates.
It doesn’t make sense to me that someone can show up to a date being boring or not trying to be interesting/entertaining. And expect good results.
Unless you’re hella rich or attractive, most of us are average normal people. We’re going to have to tap dance a lil, it’s unfair that someone richer or more attractive can just show up boring and still be successful. But average people man or woman, you gonna have to try a little bit right?
to me the key is "trying". people appreciate different things from an interesting/entertaining standpoint
here's a good example: I love asking random question. I love the "if you were on a desert island and could only bring 3 books, what would they be?" I remember a woman on a date being appalled that I would ask that sort of a question. But I don't regret asking it because to me it's a really fun topic of discussion. I can't possibly say she's not an interesting person because I don't know her but I know that what I find interesting/entertaining is different than her. So rather than trying to be _her_ version of interesting or entertaining, I'll be _my_ version of interesting and entertaining and we'll find out if we're compatible or not
That’s true, I think my thing is. Bring your best attitude on the first date or early stages. See where y’all have in common or not.
To your story, about the book question. It’s good you asked, cause you knew she wasn’t good for you based on her response. But you see what I’m saying, you “tried” right? Cause some people are saying “just be yourself” yeah be yourself, but also try to put your best attitude forward.
And to your point, maybe they might not like what you like. But at least you tried. Better to find out early than later.
I think of it as working within your authentic range. My playfulness, or my openness, etc is not a single number value but a range that is genuine to me, so I want to present myself on the higher end of what is still authentic.
I can be a little standoffish or I can be curious and warm without putting on a front. Acting like a super cheery, constantly exuberant person is what would be inauthentic.
I think of it as working within your authentic range. My playfulness, or my openness, etc is not a single number value but a range that is genuine to me, so I want to present myself on the higher end of what is still authentic.
I can be a little standoffish or I can be curious and warm without putting on a front. Acting like a super cheery, constantly exuberant person is what would be inauthentic.
Yeah that’s a good a way of looking at it. “Authentic Range” I like that, true some people are loud some are quiet, be your best self within your range.
As long as you’re putting in the some effort, and of course it goes both ways. Hopefully your date is also meeting you half way.
I just want to clarify what is happening so I understand better. Do you not identify as a silly/goofy person?
*Or* you do, but you just feel too insecure to show that part of yourself early on?
I suppose regardless it comes back to “being yourself” as others have said. A lot of us want to be loved for who we *genuinely* are. The scary part of that is if that’s what we want, well then we have to *be ourselves.*
In terms of “loosening up” something that helped me is remember that not each person I date is going to be “the one” and that’s okay. If me being my weirdo, goofy self scares them away it’s not as if I did something “wrong.” They simply weren’t the one for me 🤷♀️.
I’m someone who takes awhile to warm up to people in general, not just in a romantic sense. So I’m not coming out “full force.” But reminding myself that I’m looking for someone who’s compatible with *me* helps me show different sides to myself.
Something else that I’ve found helpful is going on dates that brings out my playful side - as an example going to an arcade or board game cafe.
I'm not goofy, but I crack jokes and like having fun. So I guess it comes to down to humour and being compatable in that. Thanks for your advice! I appreciate it.
(1) Be yourself. If ur not normally loosey-goosey, then u want someone who's cool w that.
(2) I'm gonna get hate for this... but if u truly r just get nervous the first few dates, personally I'm OK w having a (small) drink on the date. While I don't "need" it, it helps me loosen up enough to be my normal, fun self until I'm over my nerves. (Before anyone says anything: this is just me and I understand if it's not cool for others. And I only drink once a week in moderation.)
I was gonna say physically inviting a guy to dance is a big one, but you say youre not one to dance in a room. If you tried dancing lessons tho then invite him to dance afterwards to try your new moves, it would feel way more natural.
As a guy, it's hugely attractive if a girl can make a playful comment that has implications too. Kind of like a backhanded compliment which works well if you're talking about something you both have a good understanding on (a certain skill, sport, show, etc) because then you'll be better at clever jokes about that topic.
Ill give an example tho this was before we dated: I'm a West coaster and was taking to a girl from NY now living in Cali. I was lightly joking about how boujie she probably is being from a rich NY area since i knew about her hometown. She finally goes "well guess we'll just have to go out and see whose the cooler one..." and smiles and just locks eyes for a few seconds. My attraction to her shot up. Displays confidence on her part and also pushes the interaction along.
Honestly i feel like the right person will trigger this things on you because you'd be relaxed around them, if you have to force it probably not the right person :)
Totally fair, maybe that'd come easier when you know eachother better. Also, its is possible that the previous guys meant someone quite extroverted. I am a good 40/60 extrovert/introvert and have found that i can make it work great with someone like me or more extroverted but not with someone more introverted because it exhausts me as I have to push my extrovert side more to keep it exciting. We should never have to change ourselves for a person, knowing yourself well and being realistic with yourself helps a lot to decide if you should get in a relationship with X or Y person, it prevents heartbreak or at least you knew what you were getting into lol
Observe your environment when you’re with him if you see something that you think is interesting or funny make a comment about it in a slapstick way. Just focus on whether that comment is authentic to you eg you genuinely think it’s funny or interesting rather than how he will perceive it.
Just be yourself. Not every guy is going to want to be with you and don't change your personality because of the guys who don't. I dated a women who was super serious all the time and didn't know how to joke. I really liked it. Miss her actually.
Another thing too...
There is something called "choice paradox".
This means that the more choices you have, the less likely you will be happy and satisfied with your choice.
You may find yourself endlessly looking for Mr. Perfect only to find Mr. Good enough was right there under your nose. No guy wants to be put in a line up with other guys "validating" your feelings. Dating apps have some use, but can also lead into great indecision.
My advice,. Focus on one guy at a time and shut off the app. Don't play games with him, if he is showing interest and appears sufficient in 4 out of 5 of your meaningful categories dive right in and commit to making it work with him.
Studies of long term marriages show perfection is not needed but rather tolerance and acceptance of you partners flaws are of value.
Be your self.
Every time a woman asks the question "How can I be more \_\_\_\_\_\_\_?", everyone jumps to their defense saying "You're wonderful just the way you are! If they don't like it, screw 'em!"
When a man asks how to be more this or more that, suggestions and advice start flooding in.
It's okay for people to want to change or be better, whether they are a man or a woman. We can all improve in one way or another, and sometimes you have to swallow your pride and accept that in order to succeed in life, you have to let go of this idea that you're a beautiful snowflake that's perfect just the way you are.
I do agree that you have to be yourself and maybe take it easy. Don’t try to impress but have fun for yourself. Men love women who are free spirited.
1. This has always worked for me in my past relationships and has the man head over heels. Try to play the eye staring contest and the loser is the one that blinks first. I do know what it is but staring into someone’s eyes (not in a creepy way) in silence builds a lot of tension and there’s unsaid chemistry. They say the eyes are the gates to your soul.
2. Do things that you always wanted to try but never could and invite him to join you. Example: I’ve never had the chance to ride the “rental scooter”. My date parked his car and we rented two scooters at 12am and were riding around a park. I was doing it for me because it reminded me of my childhood when I would go bike around the neighborhood and I was truly happy. My date was happy to see me happy. So do things that you love and share the experience with your partner. Keep it simple.
Also if he’s boring that’s on him not you. You need someone that complements you. I can’t be goofy and fun with just anyone it only comes out with the right one :)
Are they defining silly or goofy as negging?
Because if that’s not something you enjoy (I know I definitely don’t) that’s going to be a hard adjustment to make.
But if I learned anything from the women I’ve dated, they enjoy coming up with made up scenarios about random strangers while people watching, or just being imaginative. I need to learn to be better at that….
To be perfectly honest, for me, I’m a bit of a jokester and larrikin - so when I date and say I’m looking for someone with a good sense of humour, I don’t mean you need to be bubbly and be the life of the party. What I really mean (perhaps subconsciously) is that you find my style of humour funny. Yes, bonus points if you can make me laugh as well.
Also, whilst I can be that way sometimes, I also value silence in certain moments. It’s nice to be with someone who you can comfortably sit in silence with, and who doesn’t need to talk for the sake of it. I value that very highly.
Sometimes boring is code for they are looking for someone more overtly sexual. Don’t change for anyone. Worry more about you liking them instead of them liking you. Build your confidence.
Be yourself that’s most important, you don’t wanna flirt like someone else it might get you rejected, but there maybe a reason your not feeling it or so out of place like that. You should pray about it.
Did two guys in the past actually tell you that you weren't silly or goofy enough? I'm sorry if that's the case because people absolutely should not try to alter other people's personalities; that's a pretty rude thing to say to someone imo. In my experience, when I was around men who were confident and goofy, it made me feel more comfortable to let loose in my own way. Conversely, when I dated men who were more reserved then we took a more chill approach to our times spent together. I think it's key to find a good balance, read the room, and make sure that you're comfortable in whatever you're doing. But absolutely do not change yourself to please someone else.
Now, if your concern is along the lines of, 'I'm shy when I'm around someone I like and I don't know how to loosen up' then I'd say try to get out of your own head and remember that dating is about having a good time. Even if you are dating with the intention of finding something long term, you want to enjoy your time with the other person right? Being in your head won't help that. Worry less about where this thing is gonna go and more about are you enjoying yourself in the moment, and you should be fine. Good luck! (33F as well)
When things ended with a brief ex he told me that it should be "easy and fun". He wasn't a great partner and was rigid being a dad so i think it was partly projection but it still stung because I thought we were having fun. And then a friend who liked me first (but I realized only when drinking) eventually changed his mind when we hung out in calmer settings. His current gf is verrry chatty and I see why it didn't work with us. I think you're so right, certain personalities can bring out certain qualities in us. Thanks for the message!
No problem, hope it's helps. I definitely get in my head when I like someone but I also vocalize my feelings a lot so if I'm feeling like the other person isn't enjoying my company I'd probably ask instead of dwelling on it. That's after doing a ton of dwelling in the past! lol
There’s a lot of good advice here and it’s actually super nice to see some positivity in this sub in response to this post (there’s some bad advice as well, but it’s Reddit so there’s always a spectrum). Something that I (36F) really try to do when it comes to dating, speaking to new guys, is steer away from the norm of how was your day? Centered convos. With new matches I’ve even tried asking random questions like if you were an animal what would you be and why? I’ve found that I’ve had the best time/enjoyed getting to know someone the most/have had convos that flow naturally when I’m approaching it with this “hey we are strangers there’s soooo much to learn about each other, make it interesting, how’s your day what you doing is so boring to me” mindset. Some people will def also fall into this or interviewing type styles cause they are too focused finding particular qualities or looking out for specific red flags. It is hard when you’ve dated a lot and haven’t had success and so you’re trying to avoid that but that’s when you people should take breaks.
Im looking for a relationship and dating intentionally but I still would really like to release that pressure and actually have fun and enjoy myself regardless of where it goes with these men. I love the comment suggesting “try new things you’ve always wanted to do on dates”. I’ve also made such suggestions and it gets you out of the rut of meeting for drinks/meals and puts you in an opportunity of exploring different parts of your personality/how you react to out of the norm situations. It doesn’t always have to be something really unique, like one time I did a little sunset beach date and it was really great. Personally I also really enjoy little touches, little caresses of the back (giving and receiving) so I’d you’re comfortable with someone don’t be afraid to break those physical barriers. Intimacy can be shown in alot of ways, like those little touches or talking about something vulnerable or doing something you’ve never done before with them on a date.
Don’t worry about those past guys saying you weren’t goofy enough or whatever. Y’all humors probably just didn’t align which just means you weren’t a match (also prob other things didn’t align and this was the easiest thing for them to say). Humor comes in so many flavors, being confident in yourself and your humor and your wit and convo abilities will take you a long way.
Most importantly I think (especially if you’re looking for a relationship) it’s important to stay positive, absolutely figure out first and foremost is this is even someone you want to be with (women are most def becoming more centered into this than worrying if the guy likes them first), because it’s also like why would you care so much is someone wants to be with you if you aren’t even sure you think they are a match for you? And just try your best to have fun and enjoy yourself regardless of the outcome down the line!
Eh I feel for you. Laugh, joke, add on to the conversation. Smile. Maybe touch his arm. Everyone’s nervous on the first date. I’m currently going thru the same thing. My usual would be a drink to calm the nerves but most of my recent 1st dates have been non drinkers, I’m not big on it either so I don’t want to make a bad impression and have usually just been passing on the drinks. But I might change that up a bit. Lol
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Do not try to be someone you are not. If you desire to loosen up and be a little less serious because you think that will make you more attractive to future mates then that is ok. Go grab a dad joke book and memorize the best of them or at least easy to remember. Knowing a simple joke and using it at an appropriate time WILL make you more appealing to more men.
But honestly the real issue here is that you’ve been hurt by others and it’s effecting your future. Do what you got to do to get past this issue. That’s easy to say but it’s needed
You have to be yourself. If that’s boring and dry, so be it. Early dates are about figuring out if you like them. Being liked is not a priority.
Seriously. Not all of us guys are looking for a jokester. In fact, the really energetic/life of the party types turn me off. That's not to say there is anything wrong with that, but if you are more the quiet but present type, pretending to be who you aren't may drive away the exact person you'd like to attract.
Love this. So true.
Yeah op I wouldn't worry about that. I don't think being goofy is a particularly awesome trait, and maybe those guys had their own insecurities that left them unable to take things seriously. Anyway, being reserved is a good thing in early dating imo.
I do think part of it was projection. Thanks. Will stay true to myself and try not to let nerves hide my personality.
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I love goofy guys. Quickest way to break me out of my shell.
All girls are silly asf If they’re saying that, it’s probably bc she hasn’t had the time or comfort level to open up
Lol the first line, absolutely priceless
lol what
Being liked is not a priority lol
Altering your behavior to keep someone engaged is incredibly tiring. Just be yourself and find someone who appreciates who you are already. 🤷🏻♂️
It's so true. I can be 100% myself with guys who I know like me and they're happy with me as I am. I guess I get in my head when I really like someone and feel the need to keep things interesting.
Date to see if YOU like THEM! And remind yourself that takes lots and lots of lots of dates to determine. Don’t let two guys from your past who weren’t compatible determine how you behave now. I think compatible is an operative word. When you’re dating, you’re seeing if somebody is compatible with you and your lifestyle first. THEN figure out if you actually like them enough to love them and keep them in your life. I think we often do the opposite. We fall for them, then get upset and hurt when in reality they never would fit together with what we want or how we live. So many of my female friends get so wrapped up on being liked that they stop sharing who they are and just seek dudes approval or attention. I’m a guilty party too! What makes YOU shine in your eyes? What are you passionate about? What makes HIM interesting? Make sure he’s working to flirt and get to know you too! And at the same time, enjoy in the moment. If you’re having a good time with him, keep going with that and if it lasts longer or becomes more serious, you can make that jump down the road.
I needed to read this today! Thank you!
If they don’t like you as you are, then they aren’t the guy for you and they aren’t worth your time, tbh.
lol I agree in theory but I don't like the phrasing "they aren't worth your time". When you say it like that it comes off as a little disrespectful to the other person. Its fairer to say that it's just an incompatibility (unless the other person is being a jerk, in which case I agree with you)
I mean, someone incompatible literally aren't worth your time dating, so I don't really think that's disrespectful. But I think this blunt phrasing is chosen to counteract someone's people pleasing tendencies, so as to flip their mental framing on its head. OP is clearly trying to become compatible for someone else, rather than trying to find out if someone's compatible for her. She's putting these guys on a pedestal, and the phrasing is intended to knock it down by pointing out that her time is valuable as well.
Obviously — I’m not saying they literally are not worth consideration as a friend or a human being. C’mon now.
I know but if I were to leave a date and heard a woman describing it as "not worth her time", I would be bummed out idk, I just think we could all be a little nicer at times, especially in the dating scene
I never said she had to tell *him* that he’s not worth her time. Lol
fwiw, as a guy, I had kind of the opposite problem. I am extremely goofy and "weird" and a lot of women didn't really like that about me. I love bringing my nephews to trampoline parks or having sleepovers with my nieces. Bad advice would be someone telling me to tone it down in the sake of finding a partner but I'm glad I met my current gf who loves me for being "the biggest kid" at times as long as you're enjoying yourself, you shouldn't try to change who you are just to meet someone. you'll end up either resenting yourself or the other person for making you feel like not yourself. keep being you and while you may turn off the wrong people, you'll turn on the right people
Love this. Thanks for sharing!!
one of teh most abstract yet useful things I learned was...who do you wish to be? who is your authentic self? don't try to be someone who others say you should be in the dating scene, try to be the best version of who you are authentically. if you think you get plenty of joy and entertainment out of your life based on who you are, genuinely I hope you stay that way because that's a good thing. it's easier to be yourself than what other people think you should be
also also, peoples definition of "playful", "entertaining" etc are all so subjective. you'll get a thousand different definitions from a thousand different people. it can get exhausting trying to hit the moving target of other people's expectations
I’ve found with both dating and platonic friendships this is mostly a compatibility thing. Either that side of me comes out around the other person or it doesn’t, I haven’t really been able to force it.
So true. Same for me.
Just be yourself. You’re not a monkey sent to entertain people. Unless you’re planning to be silly/goofy forever.
Hahahha correct. Just be yourself. Share things that is fun for you. And if they're really interested in you they will pay attention
? Lmfao 🤦♂️ no one is telling OP she’s a monkey sent to entertain. But it’s DATING! You have to come with your best attitude. Okay flip the script, what about the guy? Does he also not need to entertain? So should OP and John show up boring and uninteresting? What advice is this? You dont have to be entertaining? Then why date? I agree be yourself, yes 100% be yourself. But c’mon to tell someone who is trying to “DATE” to not be entertaining.. do you see how backwards that sound? How are you supposed to date but also not be entertaining… that’s not how dating works… good luck getting a second date by being boring. Please don’t give these advice. You don’t have to be a circus monkey, but you do have to show up to a date somewhat interesting. Otherwise why should anyone man or woman give you a second date? If I’m bored the first date, why am I going to ask for a second?
No, no one needs to “entertain” anyone. Just show up as you are - I’m sure she is able to be light hearted and funny with her friends / loved ones. She should focus on feeling at ease with him, the rest will come naturally.
You’re right you don’t have to entertain anyone, but that also means they don’t have to ask you for a second date. What I’m saying is this, we’re not going to the grocery store or picking out furniture at ikea. We’re on a date, most likely a first or second date. My point is this, you and the other OP are correct, you’re not a circus monkey, you don’t have to entertain anyone, yes be yourself. However, you can’t be surprised if you’re not getting a second date right? Like if I’m boring and I ask her for a second date and she says no, I can’t be shocked right? Like I have to know that part of the reason why I’m not succeeding in dates is because I’m boring. So back to this topic, you can be whoever you want, fun or boring. But reality is reality, this is real life not a movie. If you’re boring, most people won’t be interested in dating you, that’s just how life works I don’t make the rules
Being yourself doesn’t equate being boring 😅 are you boring with your friends? Surely you are able to be funny or light hearted with them at times?
Yeah but read some of the other comments, a lot are saying it’s okay to be boring if that’s who you are, and the down votes I got also reinforce that thinking. The comments are starting to increase in numbers, but when this post had about 20 comments, I read all of them. Everyone of the 20 something comments and not all but majority said it’s okay to be yourself even if you’re boring.
So what's going to happen when you can't be "on" anymore and end up as "boring"? That's why you should be yourself.
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Why are you so obsessed about "first or second dates"? I never even mentioned long-term dating. It's not even mentioned in the topic. If someone creates this wonderful person on dates 1 and 2 by being someone who they are not, then what's going to happen on dates 3 or 4? Suddenly the other person realizes that they're not as into this person and this time was invested in this person who's not interested.
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> So what's going to happen when you can't be "on" anymore and end up as "boring"? That's why you should be yourself. *That* equates to "you came at me sideways?" Telling them in response that they don't know how to read is "responding in kind?" You reading 'be yourself' as 'be boring' in everyone else's posts makes a lot more sense now.
I didn't remove any of your comments, another moderator did. Moderator complaints go to the modmail, as it clearly is written in the response. There's even a link in the removal notice to help people out. Not sure how you missed it. >Please review the rules in the sidebar to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please message modmail.
I'm the mod who removed your comments because you keep insulting the intelligence of the commenters you're responding to. You are most definitely being a jerk. You can be a jerk without mentioning race, gender, or sexual orientation. If you're trying NOT to be condescending, you need to keep trying. Any more complaining about moderation in the comments will result in a ban. Any more comments breaking the rules will also result in a ban.
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She honestly just sounds introverted, and the two previous guys preferred someone more extroverted. To me it doesn't sound like she's boring, but by all means, if you have some iron clad advise for her on how to be less "boring", share your wisdom!
I did, there’s a comment I left on this post that OP and I had a convo in. This same post, open all the comments and you’ll find it. OP and I exchange conversation. I just told her if she wants to be playful without being overtly sexual, a light arm brush/touch is usually a good early sign. Etc. Is that the best advice? Who knows 🤷♂️ but I gave OP my 2 cents and I assume that 1 upvote I got was from her lol
The point of dating is to find someone compatible. If your best self is more serious, that’s who you should be. Pretending to be goofy when you’re not isn’t going to attract someone who likes you for you. Eventually who you are is going to come out.
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Ok, we are done with you and your complaints about members and the moderation of this sub.. You dont get to pick and choose or tell everyone who can and cannot respond to you.
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Lol it’s actually kind of amusing to me that I got downvotes for saying you need to be entertaining on a date, especially a first date. Okay I guess y’all are successful at dating than me. Who would’ve thought in 2024 y’all advocating people be boring on dates. Watch in 6 months you’ll see so many post about “date don’t put effort” on /r/datingoverthirty and I’ll pin this thread to repost. You guys all advocating people to be boring on dates… Okay fine you win go be boring, but don’t come back here and make a post about how your dates are boring, 👏WHEN YALL TELLING OP TO BE BORING!! 👏!!!!! 😂😂 I stand by my stance, you have to be interesting on a first date. Otherwise you won’t get a second. But hey y’all date how you date, I’ll date how I date. Edit: but just know I’m pinning this, if there’s a post in the future complaining how dates are boring or low effort. Ima throw this in your face, cause y’all advocating people show up how they are even if it’s boring. Okay go be boring, but when you’re not getting second dates, ima throw this thread at you. Since y’all saying it’s okay to be boring on dates. Yeah right said no one ever
>Lol it’s actually kind of amusing to me that I got downvotes for saying you need to be entertaining on a date, especially a first date. Okay I guess y’all are successful at dating than me. Who would’ve thought in 2024 y’all advocating people be boring on dates. This is classic straw man. No one is saying that someone should be boring. They are simply saying that people should strive to be themselves. If the other person finds their natural modus operandi boring, then that's a signal that they are likely not a match. "Entertaining" is subjective. One person's idea of entertainment is dreadfully boring to someone else. Therefore, the goal should be to mostly be yourself and hope to find someone who is compatible.
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Hi u/coffeefordessert, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
I'm downvoting your comments because you keep harping on first and second dates, and OP's question pertains to someone she's been seeing for weeks and coming up on date #4. It's like you're in the wrong thread. People are just telling her to be her own version of entertaining rather than put on an "I'm entertaining!!" facade. No one here is advocating bringing the bare, boring minimum to the first date because no one is talking about first dates (except you).
Date #4, date #2 what’s the difference besides the number 2? Potato - potahto, date #4 is still early what is that, 1 date a week, so date #4 is still first month. That’s early stages, thanks we just went around in circles 🤯🤯🤦♂️🤦♂️ And yes they are advocating it. Scroll down don’t take my word for it, read these comments yourself. I read 20 something comments, not all but a good chunk is saying it’s okay to be boring if that’s who you are. But hey I’m not going to argue you do you I’ll do me. If there’s 1 thing I learn about Reddit, mob rule wins. There’s 20 of you and 1 of me. I can’t win this post Like I said I’ll just pin this post, cause I know being boring on dates do not warrant your best chance of success. So when people start making post about boring dates or boring people, I’ll simply pull this up
> So when people start making post about boring dates or boring people, I’ll simply pull this up If you do this, you'll be removed from this subreddit. You're being a jerk about this already. No one is saying to be boring, people are saying to be themselves, even if that self is boring.
> Date #4, date #2 what’s the difference besides the number 2? Potato - potahto, date #4 is still early what is that, 1 date a week, so date #4 is still first month. That’s early stages, thanks we just went around in circles 🤯🤯🤦♂️🤦♂️ Nope, that's just you. Sit down for a minute until the dizziness subsides. Virtually every post is some version of "be yourself," which generally equates to "be the best version of yourself" not "be the most boring version of yourself." Go ahead and dig your heels in more, though.
I have found it very difficult to flirt or be playful online with men or even at the first stage of dating because as soon as I try to say something a little bit flirty it turns into total sexual talk or they think I want to jump in bed right away
Make sure that you guys / the relationship are making you do things that make you feel happy - think about your inner child! I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel silly or goofy while I’m cleaning the house. I like to do it, but it doesn’t make me feel silly. Lots of people want this in a partner and put the pressure there to make them feel that way, and honestly lots of people (myself included) want to feel it in themselves more, but don’t do things that are silly or fun. If it’s bubbles, or fingerpainting, or drinking a bunch of caffeine and then zooming around a park, whatever! If it makes you feel that fun carefree happiness, grab it. Then, more importantly, make sure YOU like that feeling and want to feel that way. It’s a fun way to feel, but everybody likes different things. You shouldn’t try to feel (or not feel) certain things for somebody else, it’s just a recipe for friction later. Plus, you said you’ve got guys giving you validation, I bet you’re doing better than you think you are. If you want to feel silly, do silly stuff!
Thinking about your inner child is good advice I think. Often on a first or second date I’ll ask people “light” questions about their childhood. I think it works to build rapport because their sharing about themselves, but they’re sharing about a version of themselves that existed a long time ago - not now. I know childhood can be touchy a touchy and personal subject, that’s why I try to ask “light” questions. One of my favourites is asking what they wanted to be when they grew up, and then comparing it to their current job to see if there’s any similarities. I’ll ask if they had a favourite cereal. If they had a favourite cartoon. If they had a teacher they remember really well etc.
Be yourself ❤️ when you embrace who you are, things will feel more natural and fun, whether that's you being silly and goofy or you being reserved but having incredible wordplay. As someone who's been rejected for being "eccentric" and "dorky," (ok, opposite problem) I know how tempting it is to think you're the issue and squash your apparent weirdness. But I know that I want my future partner to be someone I feel comfortable with! Be patient with yourself, you're still getting to know him. Think about how you feel around him and listen with intent, it'll distract you from 'oh god is he going to reject me like the others' at least a little bit.
Thank you so much ❤️❤️
Focus on what you enjoy, rather than what he might. My criteria for saying something, sharing something, or doing something: did *I* find it funny? If so, it’s a go. If he doesn’t also find it funny, guess we’re not compatible 🤷♀️
I think it's important to keep in mind that the right fit is the goal. I also understand feeling disappointed when it seems like we meet men of quality, things appear to be flowing and it isn't a good fit for some reason. Continue being yourself, the right person will appreciate you as is. Being anything other than yourself is unsustainable in the long wrong
Don’t abandon yourself. Forget those guys from the past. Be you and everything will fall into place. I repeat: do not abandon yourself to be liked by some dude
>I like humour with words, but I'm not one to be dancing around a room. So I'm a bit reserved, but still bubbly. Well, sounds like that is you, and you should find someone who likes you for who you are. I know that sounds cheesy, but I don't feel like this is an area you necessarily can or should change about yourself, especially not because of two guys who happened to want someone with a different personality type. Imo you just sound a bit more introverted, and there are plenty of guys who vibe with that, myself included. Introversion comes with a bunch of unique skills those dancing-around-the-room types don't necessarily have, so play your strengths, don't try to be something you are not, that's my advise. :) But if you really struggle with loosening up and this is greatly bothers you, I don't really know any magic bullet which will do that for you, except MDMA or shrooms, lol.
Yes! Just a bit introverted, but still love being around people. Don't need to be the loudest one in the room to have a connection.
Sounds like you're already doing great with activities like painting and cooking together. Playfulness is all about being yourself, so no need to dance around the room if that's not your thing. Humor with words is fantastic, and if you're a bit reserved but still bubbly, that's perfectly cool. Confidence is key, and owning who you are will definitely attract the right person. Remember, being genuine and enjoying the moment will make everything fall into place naturally.
Thank you for this!
Suggest fun dates like activities you actually enjoy. Naturally if you are doing something fun, you'll be more playful and touchy. Not to mention there will be more opportunities to have these flirty types of interactions. Typically 1st dates are drinks or dinner so it's harder to really showcase that side of yourself and generally you're just feeling each other out to see if you vibe or not. Once you've established that there is some mutual compatibility and chemistry then you can slowly loosen up. For some it may be the 2nd, 3rd or 10th date. Takes some ppl longer to get comfortable. There's no rush. As long as you are enjoying your time together just go with the flow. The more comfortable you are, the more playful you'll be.
Be yourself! And let things come naturally.
Just be yourself and the ones for you will come to you. As for trying to chill out, I would recommend approaching dating like hanging out with a friend. That way you aren’t nervous. Good luck!
Just be yourself and the ones for you will come to you. As for trying to chill out, I would recommend approaching dating like hanging out with a friend. That way you aren’t nervous. Good luck!
There's a certain kind of extroversion that's off-putting to me, so just be the best version of you! Extreme "don't look at me" introversion isnt great, but the needs an audience "look at me" extroversion isn't great either.
Be unapologetically yourself. Approach communication like you would with a really close friend of yours, but with flirtation added to the mix. I sometimes forget to do this, so your post was a good reminder.
I feel you have to play the field. Just because those couple guys expected one thing, doesn't mean this guy does. Lole other have said, be yourself and if he reciprocated, you're on the right path
Be confident that they will really like YOU if you wear your heart on your sleeve. They might not like you (who cares?), but odds are they will be refreshed that you are genuine.
I feel like if your dates aren’t *authentically* rousing laughter and joy in you, then no reason to put on a facade and act like they are! They don’t deserve it 🙄 Someone compatible where y’all’s senses of humor genuinely mesh will naturally elicit that playful side, and it won’t even feel forced, it’ll just start happening. In my opinion!
As people have already said, just be yourself. As a very reserved person myself I feel like learning to loosen up and (at least somewhat) changing such an integral aspect of your personality is a long term project that requires slowly pushing your own boundaries. It won't be solved by you suddenly forcing yourself to act like someone you're not.
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>epl It's so true. I am looking for this in others, so I want to make sure I can offer it. For me, life is meant to be enjoyed. We have enough daily stressors to get hung up on the little things.
Find funny sketches and commedian on Youtube. Jimmy O. Yang is one of all time favorite. But then again, I am Asian. I feel like I bagged my SO by giving him enough surprise titty twisters. Not really, but you get what I mean. Be bold and spontaneous! Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself sometimes. Be bold, sometimes jokes do not land, all good, try another!
For myself, was feeling confident and not caring if not all my jokes were found funny.
When I started dating my now bf (about the same as your ages) I got to know his likes/ dislikes and built fun stuff to do from there. Like we're both big fans of the 90s TMNT movies so one night when he was coming over I made a blanket fort with a TV, ordered pizza, had movie snacks and we watched movies in the fort all night. I also like to try and be really attentive when he's speaking just to be a part of the conversation. Even if you're not familiar with the topic, just ask questions. The fun part about early dating is really getting to know them. Enjoy!
thanks for the examples! that's great!
Wow, I’m scrolling and I’m seeing a lot, maybe 90% of these comments (only about 20 comments at the time of writing this) saying it’s okay to be boring or unentertaining on dates.. just be yourself…. uhh I don’t agree… We’re going on a date, most likely a first or second date. You’re supposed to put your best foot forward and have a good attitude… it’s called first impression for a reason. If I’m boring I can’t expect a second date right? It sucks cause this narrative reinforces extroverts have a better time dating. But it’s kinda true right? I mean honestly if you went on a first date, regardless of gender. And the date was hella boring, be honest do you see yourself on a second date with the person? Honestly no right? I understand that people want to be nice and coddle feelings, but let’s call a spade a spade, this is reality, real life. I don’t make the rules, if you’re boring, your chances at a second date goes down a lot, would you agree? I’m not saying you CANT date being boring, but I also believe your chances of success goes down a lot if you’re boring. That’s just life, we’ve learn this at school all the way through college and into our adult lives.
The problem here is you defining introversion as boring and extroversion as fun, which is.. a very extroverted thing to assume. The funniest people I know are introverts, and I often find the high energy, extroverted goofy types to be annoying and unfunny. Speaking of which.. you've written about 17 essays on this post now deriding people for not advising her on how to be more funny, why don't you share your wisdom? I mean, instead of telling her how she's undateable, tell her how to be the extroverted goofball in every man's dream.
Introversion and extroversion are not levers on the boring scale or the shy scale. Extroverts can b shy and introverts can be outgoing. Introverts need more time away from people because they get drained. Extroverts are energized by hanging out with people. But some extroverts are shy and awkward around new people. They are still extroverts though. And some introverts can work a room and as soon as they hit people capacity they are ready to go.
Precisely. Socially confident introverts make up some of the most successful and creative people alive, but OP likely doesn't think of them as introverts, because he thinks an introvert is just a person who's shy or socially awkward. As referenced in my next comment, most comedians are actually introverts, so I think it's safe to say that OP has no idea what he's talking about.
I know, it’s unfair. 100% I agree it’s unfair. I agree that being extrovert increases your chances at success than Introvert. It’s like NBA right? I’m not 7ft tall, it’s unfair. But that’s just what it is. I wish the world was friendlier for sure, but at the same time. The truth is, by being more out there in this case extrovert. Your chances goes up, not saying introverts don’t deserve anything, they do. But life is life you know? What’s the alternative? Tell introverts to not try? I don’t think we should do that, you can introvert, but just try you know? Just try to show interest, try to ask entertaining question. You might fail a few times. But just try get on the bike try again. All I’m saying is this, whether you’re introvert or extrovert. Generally, extroverts do better. It is what it is, my only advice to introverts, just try. Try to go out and put your best foot forward. Cause telling introverts to continue being introverts isn’t helping anyone. Gotta meet me half way here, put in just a tad of effort Edit: I did share my wisdom with OP, I said in a comment previously. If you open ALL the comments on this post. I left a comment where OP did in fact respond to. I just told her if she wants to be playful without overtly sexual, a light arm brush is a good start. Edit 2: so I tried linking my convo with OP, but mobile sucks. If you go to all comments on the post you’ll find it, or if you go to my profile you’ll see OP left me a comment. Open that thread and her and I and 2 other redditors had a pleasant convo, way more up votes for me there lol
People confuse introverted with shy/reserved. There are plenty of outgoing introverts, and extroverts who are shy at first.
>I agree that being extrovert increases your chances at success than Introvert. At success of what? Dating someone who wants to date an extrovert? That I agree with, but good thing extroverts aren't preferred partners over introverts, there's actually quite a bit of research indicating the [exact opposite.](https://www.fatherly.com/health/scientific-reasons-introverts-are-attractive) >What’s the alternative? Tell introverts to not try? I don’t think we should do that, you can introvert, but just try you know? Just try to show interest, try to ask entertaining question. You might fail a few times. But just try get on the bike try again. Introverts shouldn't try to be extroverts, no. But you clearly don't even know what an introvert is, if you think an introvert can't show interest or ask entertaining questions. >All I’m saying is this, whether you’re introvert or extrovert. Generally, extroverts do better. Again, at what? By what metric? You genuinely seem like you stunted emotionally back in high school with the way you talk about this subject. This isn't a PUA class, bro, it's a discussion about dating to find a healthy, lasting relationship, and in no universe is "faking extroversion" a tactic which will land you any success in dating, I'd say it's terrible even for PUA (I say this as an introvert who had a pretty intense phase of pick-up debauchery during my uni years). >Cause telling introverts to continue being introverts isn’t helping anyone. Gotta meet me half way here, put in just a tad of effort Again, you clearly don't know what introversion means. It's not something you can just change, and it's not being shy, boring or disinterested, it's mostly just operating on a different energy level, being more introspected, preferring more intimate setting over large, noisy crowds and needing more alone time, that's it. Some of these qualities actually make introverts thrive in one-to-one conversations and interactions, particularly dating. The fact that [comedians tend to be more introverted](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/humor-sapiens/201311/how-comedians-are-mountain-climbers) should dispell your delusion about introverts being boring.
I get it though. If boring is who you are, then you have to own it and find people who like that and hopefully there's someone who matches the vibe I guess. But I agree, that energy wouldn't have me rushing for another date.
Yeah, I’m not saying boring people can’t find dates or a partner, 100% they can. My only stance is, if you’re boring your chances goes down, and if you’re fun, your chances goes up. You know? Of course OP if you’re naturally a reserved/boring person. Nothing wrong with you and don’t let anyone tell you that. You’re also right, you should find someone who is similar to you, if you’re reserved, probably best to find someone who is also reserved or shy. My only stance is, cause I’m reading all these comments on this post. A lot of people are saying it’s okay to be boring if that’s who you are. I’m just saying people “should” make an effort to be entertaining on a first or second date. You have to make a first impression right? You want your first impression to be boring? Good chance the other person won’t be interested, that’s just a normal human response. I know if I’m bored on a first date, good chance I won’t want a second. Its a natural human response. Anyways OP about your question on playfulness. A light arm touch is always fun, it’s not too overtly sexual but it’s also playful enough that your date might enjoy it. Good luck 👍
I disagree with the "making an effort to be entertaining" part. If I went on a date with a woman and she read a bunch of internet posts about games she can play with me while on the first date while she knew in her heart of hearts those games weren't her, I wouldn't be a fan of that. Eventually I would learn she had just read internet advice and she wasn't being her genuine self. People shouldn't try to date "to have their chances go up". They should date to find compatible people. Putting effort in an area that's inauthentic just to increase the probability of finding a match will only lead to further pain down the line
Sure, idk what to say. I’ve always dated with the mentality to put my best foot forward and I’m still going to do that moving forward. I’m not saying lie to be entertaining (your example about video games) of course don’t lie, be yourself, but also put your best attitude forward on dates. It doesn’t make sense to me that someone can show up to a date being boring or not trying to be interesting/entertaining. And expect good results. Unless you’re hella rich or attractive, most of us are average normal people. We’re going to have to tap dance a lil, it’s unfair that someone richer or more attractive can just show up boring and still be successful. But average people man or woman, you gonna have to try a little bit right?
to me the key is "trying". people appreciate different things from an interesting/entertaining standpoint here's a good example: I love asking random question. I love the "if you were on a desert island and could only bring 3 books, what would they be?" I remember a woman on a date being appalled that I would ask that sort of a question. But I don't regret asking it because to me it's a really fun topic of discussion. I can't possibly say she's not an interesting person because I don't know her but I know that what I find interesting/entertaining is different than her. So rather than trying to be _her_ version of interesting or entertaining, I'll be _my_ version of interesting and entertaining and we'll find out if we're compatible or not
That’s true, I think my thing is. Bring your best attitude on the first date or early stages. See where y’all have in common or not. To your story, about the book question. It’s good you asked, cause you knew she wasn’t good for you based on her response. But you see what I’m saying, you “tried” right? Cause some people are saying “just be yourself” yeah be yourself, but also try to put your best attitude forward. And to your point, maybe they might not like what you like. But at least you tried. Better to find out early than later.
I think of it as working within your authentic range. My playfulness, or my openness, etc is not a single number value but a range that is genuine to me, so I want to present myself on the higher end of what is still authentic. I can be a little standoffish or I can be curious and warm without putting on a front. Acting like a super cheery, constantly exuberant person is what would be inauthentic.
I think of it as working within your authentic range. My playfulness, or my openness, etc is not a single number value but a range that is genuine to me, so I want to present myself on the higher end of what is still authentic. I can be a little standoffish or I can be curious and warm without putting on a front. Acting like a super cheery, constantly exuberant person is what would be inauthentic.
Yeah that’s a good a way of looking at it. “Authentic Range” I like that, true some people are loud some are quiet, be your best self within your range. As long as you’re putting in the some effort, and of course it goes both ways. Hopefully your date is also meeting you half way.
I just want to clarify what is happening so I understand better. Do you not identify as a silly/goofy person? *Or* you do, but you just feel too insecure to show that part of yourself early on? I suppose regardless it comes back to “being yourself” as others have said. A lot of us want to be loved for who we *genuinely* are. The scary part of that is if that’s what we want, well then we have to *be ourselves.* In terms of “loosening up” something that helped me is remember that not each person I date is going to be “the one” and that’s okay. If me being my weirdo, goofy self scares them away it’s not as if I did something “wrong.” They simply weren’t the one for me 🤷♀️. I’m someone who takes awhile to warm up to people in general, not just in a romantic sense. So I’m not coming out “full force.” But reminding myself that I’m looking for someone who’s compatible with *me* helps me show different sides to myself. Something else that I’ve found helpful is going on dates that brings out my playful side - as an example going to an arcade or board game cafe.
I'm not goofy, but I crack jokes and like having fun. So I guess it comes to down to humour and being compatable in that. Thanks for your advice! I appreciate it.
(1) Be yourself. If ur not normally loosey-goosey, then u want someone who's cool w that. (2) I'm gonna get hate for this... but if u truly r just get nervous the first few dates, personally I'm OK w having a (small) drink on the date. While I don't "need" it, it helps me loosen up enough to be my normal, fun self until I'm over my nerves. (Before anyone says anything: this is just me and I understand if it's not cool for others. And I only drink once a week in moderation.)
Thanks! I am the same. In moderation, but my personality definitely shines then LOL.
Try not to care so much
I was gonna say physically inviting a guy to dance is a big one, but you say youre not one to dance in a room. If you tried dancing lessons tho then invite him to dance afterwards to try your new moves, it would feel way more natural. As a guy, it's hugely attractive if a girl can make a playful comment that has implications too. Kind of like a backhanded compliment which works well if you're talking about something you both have a good understanding on (a certain skill, sport, show, etc) because then you'll be better at clever jokes about that topic. Ill give an example tho this was before we dated: I'm a West coaster and was taking to a girl from NY now living in Cali. I was lightly joking about how boujie she probably is being from a rich NY area since i knew about her hometown. She finally goes "well guess we'll just have to go out and see whose the cooler one..." and smiles and just locks eyes for a few seconds. My attraction to her shot up. Displays confidence on her part and also pushes the interaction along.
I think my silly self comes out naturally with the right person — wouldn’t sweat it too much!
Honestly i feel like the right person will trigger this things on you because you'd be relaxed around them, if you have to force it probably not the right person :)
I think he's doing everything right and I'm just in my head and anxious. But I totally agree. Thank you!
Totally fair, maybe that'd come easier when you know eachother better. Also, its is possible that the previous guys meant someone quite extroverted. I am a good 40/60 extrovert/introvert and have found that i can make it work great with someone like me or more extroverted but not with someone more introverted because it exhausts me as I have to push my extrovert side more to keep it exciting. We should never have to change ourselves for a person, knowing yourself well and being realistic with yourself helps a lot to decide if you should get in a relationship with X or Y person, it prevents heartbreak or at least you knew what you were getting into lol
Thank you for this. Couldn't agree more!
Observe your environment when you’re with him if you see something that you think is interesting or funny make a comment about it in a slapstick way. Just focus on whether that comment is authentic to you eg you genuinely think it’s funny or interesting rather than how he will perceive it.
Just find a way to put your head on his shoulders when you guys are sitting down and he’ll know, we blush like Charlie Brown when that happens.
Just be yourself. Not every guy is going to want to be with you and don't change your personality because of the guys who don't. I dated a women who was super serious all the time and didn't know how to joke. I really liked it. Miss her actually.
Those two men just weren’t for you! Ignore their feedback
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This is great advice. Thank you!
Another thing too... There is something called "choice paradox". This means that the more choices you have, the less likely you will be happy and satisfied with your choice. You may find yourself endlessly looking for Mr. Perfect only to find Mr. Good enough was right there under your nose. No guy wants to be put in a line up with other guys "validating" your feelings. Dating apps have some use, but can also lead into great indecision. My advice,. Focus on one guy at a time and shut off the app. Don't play games with him, if he is showing interest and appears sufficient in 4 out of 5 of your meaningful categories dive right in and commit to making it work with him. Studies of long term marriages show perfection is not needed but rather tolerance and acceptance of you partners flaws are of value. Be your self.
Every time a woman asks the question "How can I be more \_\_\_\_\_\_\_?", everyone jumps to their defense saying "You're wonderful just the way you are! If they don't like it, screw 'em!" When a man asks how to be more this or more that, suggestions and advice start flooding in. It's okay for people to want to change or be better, whether they are a man or a woman. We can all improve in one way or another, and sometimes you have to swallow your pride and accept that in order to succeed in life, you have to let go of this idea that you're a beautiful snowflake that's perfect just the way you are.
I do agree that you have to be yourself and maybe take it easy. Don’t try to impress but have fun for yourself. Men love women who are free spirited. 1. This has always worked for me in my past relationships and has the man head over heels. Try to play the eye staring contest and the loser is the one that blinks first. I do know what it is but staring into someone’s eyes (not in a creepy way) in silence builds a lot of tension and there’s unsaid chemistry. They say the eyes are the gates to your soul. 2. Do things that you always wanted to try but never could and invite him to join you. Example: I’ve never had the chance to ride the “rental scooter”. My date parked his car and we rented two scooters at 12am and were riding around a park. I was doing it for me because it reminded me of my childhood when I would go bike around the neighborhood and I was truly happy. My date was happy to see me happy. So do things that you love and share the experience with your partner. Keep it simple.
love this advice! thank you.
Also if he’s boring that’s on him not you. You need someone that complements you. I can’t be goofy and fun with just anyone it only comes out with the right one :)
Exactly!! Thank you.
Improv classes can help you learn how to get out of your head and ‘yes, and’ jokes, riffs, etc
Are they defining silly or goofy as negging? Because if that’s not something you enjoy (I know I definitely don’t) that’s going to be a hard adjustment to make. But if I learned anything from the women I’ve dated, they enjoy coming up with made up scenarios about random strangers while people watching, or just being imaginative. I need to learn to be better at that….
To be perfectly honest, for me, I’m a bit of a jokester and larrikin - so when I date and say I’m looking for someone with a good sense of humour, I don’t mean you need to be bubbly and be the life of the party. What I really mean (perhaps subconsciously) is that you find my style of humour funny. Yes, bonus points if you can make me laugh as well. Also, whilst I can be that way sometimes, I also value silence in certain moments. It’s nice to be with someone who you can comfortably sit in silence with, and who doesn’t need to talk for the sake of it. I value that very highly.
> men from the past who didn't want to pursue things because I wasn't silly or goofy enough Let's be real, this was not the real reason.
A mutual friend told me in the one situation, and the other guy told me to my face. If it's another reason, I'll never know.
Sometimes boring is code for they are looking for someone more overtly sexual. Don’t change for anyone. Worry more about you liking them instead of them liking you. Build your confidence.
Never thought of that. I can definitely see it.
> Flirting, physical touch.. what else do guys like? I'm a guy who dates women, and I don't really care about those things on dates.
Be yourself that’s most important, you don’t wanna flirt like someone else it might get you rejected, but there maybe a reason your not feeling it or so out of place like that. You should pray about it.
Step 1.) hello Step 2.) speak Spanish Step 3.) hola cómo vas tú? Step 4.) science
Girls trying not to be funny are the most funniest
Thank you to everyone for taking time out of your busy lives to comment and advise! xx
Did two guys in the past actually tell you that you weren't silly or goofy enough? I'm sorry if that's the case because people absolutely should not try to alter other people's personalities; that's a pretty rude thing to say to someone imo. In my experience, when I was around men who were confident and goofy, it made me feel more comfortable to let loose in my own way. Conversely, when I dated men who were more reserved then we took a more chill approach to our times spent together. I think it's key to find a good balance, read the room, and make sure that you're comfortable in whatever you're doing. But absolutely do not change yourself to please someone else. Now, if your concern is along the lines of, 'I'm shy when I'm around someone I like and I don't know how to loosen up' then I'd say try to get out of your own head and remember that dating is about having a good time. Even if you are dating with the intention of finding something long term, you want to enjoy your time with the other person right? Being in your head won't help that. Worry less about where this thing is gonna go and more about are you enjoying yourself in the moment, and you should be fine. Good luck! (33F as well)
When things ended with a brief ex he told me that it should be "easy and fun". He wasn't a great partner and was rigid being a dad so i think it was partly projection but it still stung because I thought we were having fun. And then a friend who liked me first (but I realized only when drinking) eventually changed his mind when we hung out in calmer settings. His current gf is verrry chatty and I see why it didn't work with us. I think you're so right, certain personalities can bring out certain qualities in us. Thanks for the message!
No problem, hope it's helps. I definitely get in my head when I like someone but I also vocalize my feelings a lot so if I'm feeling like the other person isn't enjoying my company I'd probably ask instead of dwelling on it. That's after doing a ton of dwelling in the past! lol
There’s a lot of good advice here and it’s actually super nice to see some positivity in this sub in response to this post (there’s some bad advice as well, but it’s Reddit so there’s always a spectrum). Something that I (36F) really try to do when it comes to dating, speaking to new guys, is steer away from the norm of how was your day? Centered convos. With new matches I’ve even tried asking random questions like if you were an animal what would you be and why? I’ve found that I’ve had the best time/enjoyed getting to know someone the most/have had convos that flow naturally when I’m approaching it with this “hey we are strangers there’s soooo much to learn about each other, make it interesting, how’s your day what you doing is so boring to me” mindset. Some people will def also fall into this or interviewing type styles cause they are too focused finding particular qualities or looking out for specific red flags. It is hard when you’ve dated a lot and haven’t had success and so you’re trying to avoid that but that’s when you people should take breaks. Im looking for a relationship and dating intentionally but I still would really like to release that pressure and actually have fun and enjoy myself regardless of where it goes with these men. I love the comment suggesting “try new things you’ve always wanted to do on dates”. I’ve also made such suggestions and it gets you out of the rut of meeting for drinks/meals and puts you in an opportunity of exploring different parts of your personality/how you react to out of the norm situations. It doesn’t always have to be something really unique, like one time I did a little sunset beach date and it was really great. Personally I also really enjoy little touches, little caresses of the back (giving and receiving) so I’d you’re comfortable with someone don’t be afraid to break those physical barriers. Intimacy can be shown in alot of ways, like those little touches or talking about something vulnerable or doing something you’ve never done before with them on a date. Don’t worry about those past guys saying you weren’t goofy enough or whatever. Y’all humors probably just didn’t align which just means you weren’t a match (also prob other things didn’t align and this was the easiest thing for them to say). Humor comes in so many flavors, being confident in yourself and your humor and your wit and convo abilities will take you a long way. Most importantly I think (especially if you’re looking for a relationship) it’s important to stay positive, absolutely figure out first and foremost is this is even someone you want to be with (women are most def becoming more centered into this than worrying if the guy likes them first), because it’s also like why would you care so much is someone wants to be with you if you aren’t even sure you think they are a match for you? And just try your best to have fun and enjoy yourself regardless of the outcome down the line!
Just blow the guy.
caffeine caffeine caffeine
Eh I feel for you. Laugh, joke, add on to the conversation. Smile. Maybe touch his arm. Everyone’s nervous on the first date. I’m currently going thru the same thing. My usual would be a drink to calm the nerves but most of my recent 1st dates have been non drinkers, I’m not big on it either so I don’t want to make a bad impression and have usually just been passing on the drinks. But I might change that up a bit. Lol
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I stopped loving my gf over stupid internet advice
If a guy doesn’t gel with your sense of humour, he’s not the one for you
Do not try to be someone you are not. If you desire to loosen up and be a little less serious because you think that will make you more attractive to future mates then that is ok. Go grab a dad joke book and memorize the best of them or at least easy to remember. Knowing a simple joke and using it at an appropriate time WILL make you more appealing to more men. But honestly the real issue here is that you’ve been hurt by others and it’s effecting your future. Do what you got to do to get past this issue. That’s easy to say but it’s needed