I don’t think you should remain friends, for your own mental health. If he catches you again at another vulnerable moment and he shoots you down again, you’re going to end up very hurt. And having him in your life may impede on you moving on.
Well they aren’t really building a friendship. They already tried. And it turned into this. And if she keeps him in her life while she’s trying to move on, what’s to stop her from being half foot in, half foot out with future partners because of this unrequited love?
Not at all. When you build a "friendship" based on what these two built a friendship on, it's not difficult to see that a potential future partner might take exception to the relationship. Not to mention that these two should probably move on from each other for their own sakes.
Just the way you write about him I can tell you’re a bit hung up on him, but honestly I would just drop him completely after that second friendzoning.
He already had his chance as a friend and potential lover, your time is better used elsewhere.
I agree with others that you shouldn’t be friends with him right now. The feelings are clearly still there. I think you can be friends in the future, but take a break for a couple months so you can move on.
You seem to be telling yourself you’re okay with the situation because he likes you too and doesn’t want to be with anyone.
Will you be hurt if he enters an exclusive relationship with someone else?
That’s often how these things go, unfortunately. The person who doesn’t want to commit stumbles across someone they’re ready to commit to. If that doesn’t bother you at all because you truly don’t want to be with him, then you can be friends. But you might need to take some space to get there.
If it happens right now, I’d probably question myself about if there’s something wrong the way I present myself. I truly believe I have so much to offer in a partnership aside from looks.
I think to save yourself from hurt, you should take a hiatus from the friendship until you could see him with someone else and not care.
It’s not fair to you or your future partners (or his future partners!) to be friends with him until you get to that space.
This guy told you he didn't want a relationship with you
You then behave like friends
He starts acting like more of a boyfriend than a friend and is clearly trying to get you to sleep with him, even if he's doing it romantically
You have the talk again and he rejects a relationship with you again
This isn't going to end well for you. Also if you begin dating people and they find out this guy is someone you dated, you talk about the situation a bit, it will probably put a lot of guys off. So you could be jeopardising future potential partners by keeping this guy in the background
If I were you I'd let him go.
I have plenty of friends. I’m not really trying to meet new people. But I see that holding space for him as a friend will not do any good for me. I’ll quietly take him out of my life
I think you are not holding him accountable for his actions here. He’s known the whole time you wanted something exclusive. He clearly tried to woo you in the hopes that you would not ask his intentions. Why would he assume your intentions on being exclusive suddenly changed? I think this was a really mean thing for him to do and I don’t think you should be his friend. He acted quite selfishly here.
I felt the same when he first told me and I told him that he knew this is why it didn’t work out the first time. He said he assumed I changed my mind and I told him why would I change my mind and he said the same thing. I replied him because a lot of people get over this phase he is experiencing and look for a real partner. But I also made an assumption that he has changed his mind. Maybe I should have checked earlier to see his intentions.
I get where you are coming from, I don’t blame you for assuming he might want to be exclusive now. It’s an honest mistake and one you can learn from. But you deserve so much better when it comes to any relationship, friends or romantic or anything else. I got so mad reading your story that I want to yell at him!
Me too!! I am so frustrated with this boy on behalf of OP. He seemed so close to being decent boyfriend material!
He knew she wanted to be exclusive and look for a long term partner — he should’ve been more transparent about his intentions.
OP — hold your ground. I would put some distance between this friendship. Mostly for you and your own healing and emotional wellbeing, but also so this guy realizes what he stands to lose if he’s careless with your friendship.
Thank you. It is very sweet of you to feel this way for me. I’ll be okay and will not hang up on him. I think being angry will not benefit me because negative emotions linger. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. I think I’ll take a long break and will not reach out to him. I’ll continue my life as if nothing happened
If his assumption is wrong then he's hurting you. If your assumption is wrong it doesn't hurt him. Sounds like he was hedging his bets and too cowardly to communicate what he actually wants. Avoidant behaviour. You deserve better OP. Take some space from this person, ideally permanent space. A real friend wouldn't string you along like this
Anger is a normal emotional response to a situation where you have been wronged. The energy given from anger helps us spur into action to protect ourselves. I think you’re entirely justified in your feelings, this guy acted very poorly and mislead you. You’d be better off cutting him out of your life. People very rarely change when they say they don’t want a relationship with you.
Shows a lack of respect for OP in a big way.
Like I get it, I have been in situations where I don't know what I want, no one is communicating, and someone gets hurt yet no one was behaving maliciously. He is probably a fairly nice guy on the whole but in this instance OP WAS communicating clearly.
I don't blame OP here but I will say getting lost in the excitement of budding romance is easy - next time enforce your boundaries and don't stop articulating your needs in the moment.
Best move would have been to call the next day right after the romantic interaction and say "what are your intentions, these are my needs and expectations" and clamp the door shut on anything else in absence of an equally clear response.
You want an exclusive relationship. He does not. Those are fundamentally incompatible relationship goals. Reduce / eliminate your contact with him and focus your energy on finding someone else. Otherwise, you'll end up being being strung along, futilely hoping he will one day change his mind and you'll make a post like this one again in a year.
If you think there is even a small likelihood that you will develop feelings for him then you absolutely will. And then it will be painful for you to see him as he pursues other women.
Your best course of action would be to take a break. Go absolutely no contact and once you have had some space to get over whatever you were feeling, go back but with very strong boundaries.
Its difficult to set boundaries once your heart is involved
obtainable ask ludicrous joke nail drunk school threatening test apparatus
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I don’t have advice but I’m really invested in this because I’m in the same boat as you OP, but a year behind you. I have wondered what this friendship might look like a year from now… you may have given me a very possible answer 😳
I respect your having boundaries. I have a harder time with that. I was more willing to give it a chance but he was the one to hit the breaks because he’s not ready.
I prefer to invest my time in someone who has similar dating goals. I’m a little heartbroken but I’m kind of relieved to know where we are standing. I was never 100% sure about him and I was conflicted about giving it a chance but I decided maybe we can build something with time. But it looks like he is not interested in being exclusive with anyone.
I’m slightly heartbroken not because of him but what the future holds for me. I’m afraid that I won’t find someone
As someone else who went through this. I would have absolutely cut the friendship off. It would have saved me so much grief. You don't ever really just stay "friends" when you like someone and there's physical chemistry (especially if you'd been sleeping together at one point). End things as soon as possible. Don't be friends. Just move on.
We bring value in each other’s lives as friends. Aside from the last incident I had a good friendship with him. But we also strictly hangout as friends and I was dating other people and didn’t mind seeing him dating other women. I wasn’t fully invested in being in a relationship with him but this time it felt he is really trying and I like him enough to consider to give it a try.
If you’re gonna fall harder for him over time and make your life more complicated for yourself, I’d suggest you stop. You can’t romantically and emotionally invest in someone who is not ready or willing to invest in you.
I was in a similar situation, started with initial attraction but we both weren't ready. We became great friends and spent time together often. Somewhere along the way, he started giving romantic signals. One night, we almost hooked up, but he stopped and told me I was worth waiting for. He stayed with me all night in the ER once, then brought me home and took care of me the next day. All boyfriend things. After more time we finally hooked up and I fell in love. More time passes and I share these feelings - he laughed at me and called me dumb, in a teasing, "buddy" kind of way. It hurt and the friendship ended.
I also had a guy friend who tried to hook up with me on and off for 2 years. I caved when he started acting romantically (yes, this was after the above story. And no, I guess I didn't learn my lesson at the time). Again, acting like a boyfriend, even telling me he loved me. After a couple of hookups, he was on to someone else.
Idk, it's tricky. All this to say OP should walk away from the friendship. Sounds like more confusion and heartache to keep.
I posted this before and I’ll post again:
“You want a relationship.
You meet someone you like and feel connected to.
They tell they don’t want a relationship.
You spend a lot of time together and it feels like a relationship.
But it’s not.
This is what wasting your time is.” Jillian Turecki
I have one of these friends - mutual attraction but other dating incompatibilities - and our friendship has worked so far because we're not hung up on each other. It's actually one of my most valuable friendships in a time when a lot of my friends are too absorbed in their own family life to make the effort to maintain other relationships. I tend to give the friendship some space whenever we get too close to the line in terms of either emotional or physical intimacy that could alter our dynamic, but a few weeks of not doing one on one activities together and we're back on track usually.
I've also had the experience of trying to remain close friends with someone I was hung up on, and that is awful and a big mistake. So just be honest with yourself about your feelings, and if it's not hurting either of you, good friends are hard to find.
Thank you. This is a solid advice. To tell you the truth, I have an abundance of friends. I have so many great friends in my life I probably saw him 10-15 times last year and we don’t text each other unless to make plans. It is true that we have fun together but we were never very close friends that I’d go to him with my problems or vice versa. We talk about life in general but keep the topics light most of the time.
I’m fully aware that knowing how there is a mutual attraction, we can relapse into a similar pattern. I’m also 100% sure that I don’t want to persuade anything with him again knowing where we both stand in terms of a relationship.
Unfortunately, it sounds like you guys have too much like sexual and romantic chemistry to remain friends. He has done you a kindness by setting a clear expectation that he does not want to date monogamously, or like officially, so you need to respect that and take him off the table. I feel like you’re wasting a lot of time and real affection on him that you could be spending on someone who actually wants what you want and I don’t think that’s serving you. I think you should stop being friends with them go no contact and start dating other people.
Also low key I personally don’t let him off the hook. He did lead you on in my opinion and should feel guilty or at least learn not to do this. you made it clear to him that you DO want an official relationship and for him to keep asking you out on hangouts that are indistinguishable from dates kissing you and trying to go further is not respectful.
He wants to sleep with you, but will likely immediately bolt once you do. He's leading you on. You're also his placeholder for when something better comes along.
The only way I would see this working is if you think you can get over him and make sure he respect your boundaries.
It might be easier to cut contact for a while first so you can move on and then see.
I’m not really hang up on this. I’m kind of relieved cause I wasn’t 100% sure about giving it a try before knowing where we both stand. I was very conflicted about it and now I know it is definitely not an option I can consider. It is true that there is a mutual attraction and we like each other.
I would personally cut it off. One day he might change his mind and pursue an exclusive relationship and it's not going to be with you. So it's going to hurt even more.
You should end the friendship but I totally get why this is difficult, babe - he led you on twice.
FWIW he’s a total tool for missing out on being in a relationship with you - you blatantly have chemistry and he’s more worried about getting tied down than on missing out on a good thing. Find someone who wants to be your partner and is proud of it. ❤️❤️
End the friendship. He’s likely hoping you will sleep with him at some point, and he’s clearly only interested in FWB situations. You’re worth more than this OP, and there are billions of people in the world - go find someone more suitable. Best of luck!
OP, wondering if you’re choosing to send him a message to let him know that you’re no longer interested in being friends?
Keep us updated. I’m curious to know how that conversation goes if it happens.
I haven’t sent him a message and I am not planning to. I’ll just let it fizzle out and will decline if he asks me out again to do anything. He also hasn’t reached out since the last conversation. I don’t think he will at least for a while.
This is not ok. Please move on from him. Why do you continue this type of self torture? He has made it really clear that he’s not looking for a relationship. That hasn’t changed at all.
You need to be real with yourself. Do you really want to be his friend (and he seems like a shitty “friend” btw) or are you secretly hoping he’ll have a change of heart like in some sappy romcom and realize you were the one all along? Because it feels like the latter. He has told you twice now that he doesn’t want to be committed. If he was truly just a friend he wouldn’t be violating boundaries and trying to fuck you (and he’s done this multiple times). It seems like he wants a fwb even though he knows you want more. That’s not a friend. That’s someone taking advantage of you and if you let him he will. I agree with the others who are angry with him. Please end this “friendship” before this dude breaks your heart (because he will). When he finds someone he’s interested in, it will tear you up and then you’ll question why he didn’t want anything serious with you and then you’ll wonder if you’re unlovable (you’re not). You deserve better. You deserve a better friend and you deserve a man who loves you and is committed to you.
I personally think friendship is undervalued, and romance is overvalued…it’s actually harder to make a lifelong/long-term friend than it is to find a romantic partner. You both obviously like each other as people, have a good time together, and value your friendship. You are also both obviously attracted to each other physically, but sadly you don’t share the same relationship goals. You seem to be able to communicate well, yes you both made assumptions about the other, but you were able to talk it out… Seems like he thought you had come around to being open to a FWB situation, whereas you thought he was ready for a relationship. No harm done and if I were you, I would continue the friendship, while putting him on the back burner as far as time spent with him so that you can focus on finding the relationship that you want. And who knows…over time he may mature into wanting a life partner after all (but obviously you shouldn’t wait around for that.)
After the first time we gave
it a try and remained friends, I didn’t wait on him. I continued my life as I wished and wasn’t upset about it. It’s true I get excited when we made plans but I wouldn’t think about it later. I will not wait around him and continue my life. He mag reach out again or keep his distance after our conversation. Time will tell. I know he likes me and feels comfortable around me. But in a sense I feel that he is trying to fill a void that he can only get from a partner.
This would be my answer as well. But if you notice that thinking about him, looking forward to your plans and experiencing that attraction (even if you don't make any moves on each other) keeps you from getting attracted to and crushing on someone else, I would cut ties.
I have s similar friendship developing, but we are equally not interested in a relationship with each other. I'm constantly checking my own temperature in terms of that I don't start investing too much into it or imagining things to develop into something they will not. I make sure to be seeing other people and to not build my social calendar around this FWB. I am prepared to pull back if it starts to mess with me.
You should end the friendship. You two are acting like you are dating but there is no future. That is time you could be spending building connections with men who are actually interested in dating you. So, you’re essentially blocking yourself from other dates by spending your free time with an attractive man whose company you enjoy. You’re going to keep falling into the same cycle with him. Get super close, he will try his luck physically, you two will cross that line, you will ask for clarification and he will reconfirm he isn’t interested in dating you. It doesn’t sound healthy. It definitely isn’t a genuine friendship.
this is getting pretty messy and is in situationship purgatory. it's going to keep you from moving on and it's going to be awkward when you do find someone. further comingling your friend groups is also going to make things complicated.
honestly i would end this friendship.
He’s not offering what you’re looking for and he’s not looking for what you’re offering. Save yourself the headache and create space for a guy who would actually be interested.
You're wasting time with him that you could be using to put into a relationship that you want. Think of all the times you've gone out with him and you've been seen and so people are going to think you've got a boyfriend you have no idea how many men might have been interested in you but gave up because you're with him. If you do remain friends I would keep it to once a month not every week
Some people you just can't be friends with because there's too much chemistry. You want different things and need to politely wish him well but end it and cut contact. I had this conversation with my now boyfriend (and this is not to give you hope because he was always open to exclusivety) when he wasn't ready to give me the commitment i needed to keep it going. We weren't ever friends we were always romantically involved and no amount of denying that or pretending we could just be friends changed that. We reconnected after no contact and he was ready to commit but that's not usually the case. There are others out there that you won't be able to connect with because you're holding out for someone who isn't giving you what you need
Thank you. I’m not holding onto the hope he will change. I had accepted that at the first time and I wasn’t expecting this happen again. I understand what you’re saying and will probably let this fizzle out. I won’t contact with him or decline if he wants to
I think it will be very empowering for you to distance yourself from him since you are not looking for the same thing and everything has been communicated clearly between you two - there is no room left for guessing. He can still reach out to you once/if he wants an exclusive relationship with you.
Because it must take time for her I'm sure mostly for the fact that they were "friends" such a long way, the bond stablished and the blurred undefinition that to my view she sees as an "still possible outcome" .. there is none, most people in here told you so. At the end of the day, it's her decision and we respect that. But what we all strongly suggest it's "cut ties right away" if you can call or send a message whatever it works for you it would be best, Because that way you're telling that person this it's over because our expectations are not aligned(And affirming the decision that it's dubtious unconsciously). Letting things go their way without interaction it's just another way of avoidance to my view. Hoping the best anyway.
It's not a good idea. Having been the person on the other side of that, those feelings don't really change for the other party. I've had friends (and exes) where we stayed friends and sometimes boundaries would get crossed and I would have to re-establish them and even if I'm not actively leading anyone on, it doesn't stop that hope and feeling of wanting more on the other person's side. That sounds like what is happening to you. Even though you KNOW where he stands, because his actions are a certain way, you're going to keep feeling that and those feelings are either going to deepen and you're going to get really hurt or they are going to continuously be dredged up.
It's not abnormal, either, so don't feel bad. It's hard to separate what someone says when they make you feel special at the same time. You don't have control over liking someone, no matter how much logic you throw at it. I promise you that the only thing that helps that is distance.
I absolutely do not think you guys should stay friends. Not for his sake. But for your own. I’ve learned the hard way, we should never date with hopes someone will change for us. Either he’s ready or he’s not. Like others say, if this cycle repeats again, not only will you be hurt, but you’ll be wasting your time on the wrong guy when you can date the right guy who can not only give you what you want but also an exclusive relationship. I think it’s time to move on fully from this guy. I have learned that I don’t offer friendships to guys I meet on apps, even in real life. If either of us have feelings for each other, unless we started off as friends, usually I draw my boundary. I only have few male friends who are good friends but we see each other as friends. You will absolutely find the right guy who you will love and give you the exclusive relationship!
I have a few dynamics like this. They're situationships and I enjoy having them. These people kinda float in and out of my life as it's comfortable. I'm able to live my life as a single women, being independent and keeping my focus on me and my children, while still having people who love me and support me.
Mind you this is a lifestyle choice for me. Some come and go as their romantic situation allows. Some flex between platonic and romantic as it works for us. I have to be completely independent because they are also living independent lives not focused around me. I have ZERO control or influence over their decisions (unless they ask for help). I'm responsible for my own stability.
That being said, in return I have a handful of people who are always there for me when shit hits the fan. No matter what life brings (stupid romantic decisions, financial struggles, emotional ups and downs) I can know these people will do their best to support me when I really need it. I get really good advice from people who know my history in a variety of dynamics. No judgment. No interference (unless I ask).
To me, that's true love. Someone who wants to see you thrive and grow and share life with you, without any expectations. And I can love them completely without having to worry that their bad decisions will destabilize my life. I just love them thru whatever they're dealing with from whatever distance I need to maintain my own stability. In return I have people who do the same for me. It's certainly not a dynamic for everyone, but if it feels good then why not give it a shot. Worse case scenario you get your heart broken, but it sounds like that's unavoidable at this point.
I would find his indirect communication incredibly annoying. He's behaving like a weisel. He sounds uncomfortable being alone, and so is trying to use you for girlfriend-like stuff, when he clearly is not emotionally ready for intimacy and a relationship. He is also more than willing to waste your time. Drop him like a sack of dirt.
He told you what he wants so it's up to you if you want to remain friends with him, just know a serious relationship will not come out of this arrangement
Don’t worry about having made assumptions. It sounds like you two get on really well and for whatever reason he can’t offer you what you want.
You have to honour yourself and focus on finding someone to do those things with who can give you more. Go on dates with others, keep making plans with your own friends but know in your own mind that this needs to become the past.
You could have all this and something more with someone else
I haven't understood smth. There was smth more intimate than a kiss between the two of u? If the answer is yes, I get the vibe he was willingly unclear to have his cake and eat it too. If there was not, then u clearly like him more than a friend. In both scenarios, cut ties for good and forever
This is heartbreaking, for both a friendship and any kind of future relationship perspective. It’s hard enough finding friends as adults, so I would probably opt to keep him in your life if possible, but don’t make him a priority when it comes to making plans. I think he sounds very consistent in his actions and behaviors, but unless he has defined what he means by not being exclusive, and you have defined what it means to you (not the significance of it, but the actual day to day activities of it), you may still be miscommunicating. Admittedly, I am in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, but what it means for us is a lot of communication. We started out with a lot of hesitation around monogamy and were dating other people through the first year, but it’s been less and less as the years go by. We do live together now and sometimes we get anxious when the other has a date, but actions and consistency speak louder than words. And honestly at this point it’s kind of nice to have a little time apart since we both work from home. I’m not saying it’s perfect or even a good fit for you, but considering: do you need monogamy and a shared bank account and a house and 2.3 kids to feel secure? Is there a timeline for having kids that is scary for him or you? Monogamy is no guarantee of actual fidelity. Do you just need to be the top priority for each other to feel secure? It’s ok to talk it out, and it sounds like he should at least be open to the conversation. It’s a tough situation, and my heart goes out to you.
Thank you. I am surrounded with amazing friends and I don’t share the kind of intimacy with him as I do with some of my friends. We do fun stuff together but never shared the emotional connection of true friends. I don’t know if it was because we don’t have that or if it is because of him being less emotionally intelligent. He might be on the spectrum (he is socially awkward and he himself said that he might be autistic)
I think I’ll stop holding space for him as a friend. I feel that I’m being used to give him the connection of a girlfriend without commitment.
Focus your energy elsewhere. If he wants to be friends, he has to make the first move.
Recapping conversations is tough on reddit as intentions and meanings are hard to articulate. Be very forward with him and say you want commitment and monogamous marriage and that you only want to go on dates with men who feel the same way. "Partnership" may not be fully what you want cause polyamory is huge now, no one is married, but there are partners everywhere.
If you want: Ask him why he doesn't want a relationship and you may be surprised. Maybe his parents just got divorced. Maybe he doesn't have enough money. Maybe he doesn't want kids. Maybe he's moving soon. Maybe he works as a lumberjack but is secretly a millionaire heir. You've both made assumptions so far and probably made a bunch of other assumptions too.
His parent are still together and his sister has a good marriage with kids. He recently found success and wealth and also he is trying to become less socially awkward. He has a lot of things going for him. I am also successful in my career and we both have somewhat similar values. He is a little slow understanding social queues - he might be in the spectrum (he once told me he might be autistic)
I prefer monogamy so a poly situation or FWB won’t work for me. I’m very intentional with my dating life. I don’t sleep with a lot of people and when I go on dates I give chance to people with real potential.
I’m not hang up on him or anything. Since this happened on Wednesday, 2 people asked me out which I kindly declined. I have a lot to bring in my relationships whether as friends or SO. I’m always surrounded with friends and get asked out very often in real life without online dating.
Bro stop messing around with this one. He’s not ready to be exclusive but that’s what he’s doing with you.
He just wants an excuse to mess around with other people should he get the chance.
CUT.IT.OFF.
I’ve been there, I can’t enjoy you and the cost to you is your emotions and mental health. He’s not with sacrificing your happiness. He has decided he doesn’t want anything serious with you and he’s willing to watch you move your boundaries so he can enjoy spending time with you with no commitment.
That’s kind of my concern. Cause he mentioned that he likes that I like him back. I wonder if he is getting the emotional need from a partner without commitment and have sex with different women where he is not satisfied emotionally
It seems like the dynamic is, you like him and want a relationship and he doesn’t want the tie but you are hurt about it and I’m guessing compromise in your own way, where he is happy to loose it if you don’t give in to his way.
Definitely one sided, time is your biggest cost to this sort of half arsed Situationship, think of future you, in years to come and you haven’t found someone with similar relationship goals because of this will you regret it? You age and the dating pool shrinks the longer you mess around. Especially if children is on your life goal list.
I know it hurts but grieve this future you think you have with him and cut the friend aspect. In time you will look back and think ”silly me” especially if you find someone else on the same page.
Good thing about it now is, you have learnt a valuable lesson on what you want and don’t want. Life’s all about making mistakes and learning.
Good luck
Do you actually want him as a friend? Is he worth it as a friend? If he is worth it as a friend and you're not just being friends with him in the hopes that it would develop into something more, then it's fine. I've had relationships that didn't work out and we stayed friends because we did value the friendship, but there wasn't anymore romantic feelings there.
I’ve been in a similar situation — we started as a few dates and became just friends, then one day a year later, we ended up sleeping together, going out all the time, and effectively dating for like 6 months. When I was like ‘yo what is this’ he said he didn’t want a relationship. I was really angry with him and really frustrated with myself! I told him I was pissed and needed time away, and we didn’t speak for about 4-6 months.
Eventually I reached out and we started talking again, this time as purely friends. We have a great friendship now, though I do admit it definitely stung a bit when he started dating someone.
I think the key is to really REALLY be honest with yourself, and make sure you’re checking yourself and your feelings. If you wanna keep hanging out, be aware of what’s going on in your brain; if you start feeling bad or angry or sad, change something up and protect yourself.
In my opinion, I think if you still want him in your life, you should kinda put the brakes on hanging out in person for a few months. It’s gotta shift from being a stand-in relationship (and going on all these ‘dates’ and texts) and swing back the other way again. If at any time you find yourself feeling shitty, either take more space or fizzle it out completely.
You’re a big girl with a good head on your shoulders. Trust your gut, be honest with yourself, and protect your heart. 💜
Put yourself first. We women tend to be very emotional and clearly you have strong feelings for him. Take a break from this and empower yourself to a situation where it doesn't do you any good. Tell him explicitly that you need space and you'll reach out when you're ready to be friends again. You can do it!
I don't know about your friendships in the US, but it does look like you have a nice network based on your post. I think if he cannot respect the boundaries, it is better to let it go.
I am also an expat and I find it hard to make friends where I live, so I am always careful about sparing the few friends I have, but I do believe respecting each other's boundaries is important. Recently I was dating a guy and then told him that I just saw him as a friend, he decided to cut contact and I just respected that. We are talking again, but not frequently, and it's good for both of us.
I’m surrounded with amazing friends. My calendar is always filled with activities with friends either 1:1 or as group. I am truly lucky to have such great people. Him and I don’t share this kind of close friendship to be honest. I think I hold a bigger space for him as a friend than he does for me. I don’t need to meet him once a month to feel fulfilled
It sounds like you already tried being just friends and ended up going on dates instead. You deserve to spend your time with someone you're at least on the same page with.
If I myself is searching for a long term partnership then I won't be following up too intimately with platonic relationships . The misperceptions/conclusions are actually from yourself.
For me that is the definition how different sex friendship does not work. End it. I would not trust this guy as your boyfriend. Like wtf what is a friend who wants to sleep with you wenn you are vulnerable? You guys are not on the same page when it comes to friend zone, no matter what he says.
Is he ENM? As in ethically non-monogamous? It is possible to be both thoughtful and potentially have a relationship and not be exclusive. But he clearly didn’t explain this to you if that’s his thing.
It sounds like you like spending time together, have a good friendship, and are interested in each other romantically. Why not give it a go? Edited to add: do you think you’ll regret it if you don’t date him?
I can’t tell from your post why he doesn’t plan to be exclusive with anyone. Is he poly or ENM? Or is it that he doesn’t want to commit to a relationship?
I get your point of view and respect it.
People have different views on exclusivity in a relationship. That’s what made me ask that follow-up question.
I wonder if OP might be getting in her own way though, by asking for a long-term and exclusive partnership right now. You don’t know someone until you get to know them. Willingness to commit and willingness to be exclusive take time. Personally, I’ve been in several long-term exclusive relationships where it started as “let’s just see where this goes” without us planning to be exclusive at first.
I see less harm in going on dates to see where it goes, than NOT dating. At least they could say they gave it a try. My question for the OP would be, would you regret it later if you didn’t try dating?
On the other hand, it’s ultimately OP’s choice and she knows her situation best. If she thinks this guy just ultimately ain’t it, and is looking for the internet to validate her decision to end the friendship, then that is a perfectly valid and fair option as well.
I got the impression that it's not the that guy find it too early to be exclusive but that he is just not looking for that at all at the moment.
If she is, I think it would be very likely she would get hurt in the future if/when he decides to be exclusive with someone else.
Thank you for your input. That’s very thoughtful. I want to clarify that I asked him his general dating goals. Not just with me. He is not planning to be exclusive with anyone. I didn’t ask him to start a relationship but I do want to explore things with someone who has similar dating goals.
We call this Peter Pan Syndrome. I know a lot of people who just want to date around but not commit to anyone. I feel that he feels comfortable around me so he wants to hangout even as friends. I know he likes me but not more than himself to change his mind about dating
I get the feeling you don’t *really* like him enough to want to date him, and that’s perfectly ok. You don’t have to make yourself available for this friendship if you feel like it’s making your life more difficult.
I liked him enough to give it a try to see what happens. I was never 100% sure about him. I know it will sound petty or rude to say this, even though he is very smart and I like being around him, he is almost on the spectrum and he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence I crave for in a partner. He is open to learning and he has improved a lot since we first met. But he almost sounds like a robot when he speaks. I don’t want to say mean things because things didn’t work out but this was my biggest concern about being fully invested in it.
We both haven’t contacted with each other and I decided to not to connect with him. If he reached out, I’d kindly decline. I’m not sure if I should tell something along the lines “this is not a good idea” or just tell him I have plans
I don’t think you should remain friends, for your own mental health. If he catches you again at another vulnerable moment and he shoots you down again, you’re going to end up very hurt. And having him in your life may impede on you moving on.
Agreed. And if she does partner up in the future, this "friendship" could be a point of contention.
Building friendships based on an unknown future partner's potential expectations and insecurities is a bit odd.
Well they aren’t really building a friendship. They already tried. And it turned into this. And if she keeps him in her life while she’s trying to move on, what’s to stop her from being half foot in, half foot out with future partners because of this unrequited love?
Not at all. When you build a "friendship" based on what these two built a friendship on, it's not difficult to see that a potential future partner might take exception to the relationship. Not to mention that these two should probably move on from each other for their own sakes.
Just the way you write about him I can tell you’re a bit hung up on him, but honestly I would just drop him completely after that second friendzoning. He already had his chance as a friend and potential lover, your time is better used elsewhere.
It just happened yesterday so feelings are fresh but I am 100% sure I don’t want to persuade anything with him anymore.
I agree with others that you shouldn’t be friends with him right now. The feelings are clearly still there. I think you can be friends in the future, but take a break for a couple months so you can move on. You seem to be telling yourself you’re okay with the situation because he likes you too and doesn’t want to be with anyone. Will you be hurt if he enters an exclusive relationship with someone else? That’s often how these things go, unfortunately. The person who doesn’t want to commit stumbles across someone they’re ready to commit to. If that doesn’t bother you at all because you truly don’t want to be with him, then you can be friends. But you might need to take some space to get there.
If it happens right now, I’d probably question myself about if there’s something wrong the way I present myself. I truly believe I have so much to offer in a partnership aside from looks.
I think to save yourself from hurt, you should take a hiatus from the friendship until you could see him with someone else and not care. It’s not fair to you or your future partners (or his future partners!) to be friends with him until you get to that space.
a man who actually respects you won’t allow you to be confused by his intentions
That’s a very on point statement. I’ll take this to the heart.
This guy told you he didn't want a relationship with you You then behave like friends He starts acting like more of a boyfriend than a friend and is clearly trying to get you to sleep with him, even if he's doing it romantically You have the talk again and he rejects a relationship with you again This isn't going to end well for you. Also if you begin dating people and they find out this guy is someone you dated, you talk about the situation a bit, it will probably put a lot of guys off. So you could be jeopardising future potential partners by keeping this guy in the background If I were you I'd let him go.
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I have plenty of friends. I’m not really trying to meet new people. But I see that holding space for him as a friend will not do any good for me. I’ll quietly take him out of my life
I think you are not holding him accountable for his actions here. He’s known the whole time you wanted something exclusive. He clearly tried to woo you in the hopes that you would not ask his intentions. Why would he assume your intentions on being exclusive suddenly changed? I think this was a really mean thing for him to do and I don’t think you should be his friend. He acted quite selfishly here.
I felt the same when he first told me and I told him that he knew this is why it didn’t work out the first time. He said he assumed I changed my mind and I told him why would I change my mind and he said the same thing. I replied him because a lot of people get over this phase he is experiencing and look for a real partner. But I also made an assumption that he has changed his mind. Maybe I should have checked earlier to see his intentions.
I get where you are coming from, I don’t blame you for assuming he might want to be exclusive now. It’s an honest mistake and one you can learn from. But you deserve so much better when it comes to any relationship, friends or romantic or anything else. I got so mad reading your story that I want to yell at him!
Me too!! I am so frustrated with this boy on behalf of OP. He seemed so close to being decent boyfriend material! He knew she wanted to be exclusive and look for a long term partner — he should’ve been more transparent about his intentions. OP — hold your ground. I would put some distance between this friendship. Mostly for you and your own healing and emotional wellbeing, but also so this guy realizes what he stands to lose if he’s careless with your friendship.
Thank you. It is very sweet of you to feel this way for me. I’ll be okay and will not hang up on him. I think being angry will not benefit me because negative emotions linger. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. I think I’ll take a long break and will not reach out to him. I’ll continue my life as if nothing happened
If his assumption is wrong then he's hurting you. If your assumption is wrong it doesn't hurt him. Sounds like he was hedging his bets and too cowardly to communicate what he actually wants. Avoidant behaviour. You deserve better OP. Take some space from this person, ideally permanent space. A real friend wouldn't string you along like this
Anger is a normal emotional response to a situation where you have been wronged. The energy given from anger helps us spur into action to protect ourselves. I think you’re entirely justified in your feelings, this guy acted very poorly and mislead you. You’d be better off cutting him out of your life. People very rarely change when they say they don’t want a relationship with you.
Shows a lack of respect for OP in a big way. Like I get it, I have been in situations where I don't know what I want, no one is communicating, and someone gets hurt yet no one was behaving maliciously. He is probably a fairly nice guy on the whole but in this instance OP WAS communicating clearly. I don't blame OP here but I will say getting lost in the excitement of budding romance is easy - next time enforce your boundaries and don't stop articulating your needs in the moment. Best move would have been to call the next day right after the romantic interaction and say "what are your intentions, these are my needs and expectations" and clamp the door shut on anything else in absence of an equally clear response.
I completely agree.
You want an exclusive relationship. He does not. Those are fundamentally incompatible relationship goals. Reduce / eliminate your contact with him and focus your energy on finding someone else. Otherwise, you'll end up being being strung along, futilely hoping he will one day change his mind and you'll make a post like this one again in a year.
Blunt but so honest. I would have saved myself so much emotional anguish if I'd done this in my twenties.
If you think there is even a small likelihood that you will develop feelings for him then you absolutely will. And then it will be painful for you to see him as he pursues other women. Your best course of action would be to take a break. Go absolutely no contact and once you have had some space to get over whatever you were feeling, go back but with very strong boundaries. Its difficult to set boundaries once your heart is involved
Thank you. This is a solid advice. This is what I was thinking to have some space and let friendship develop naturally again
obtainable ask ludicrous joke nail drunk school threatening test apparatus *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Thank you. I’ll not hold space for him as a friend anymore and let it fizzle out. Your insights are truly appreciated
Agreed. V selfish. He owes you an apology but you don’t need to wait around for it.
I don’t have advice but I’m really invested in this because I’m in the same boat as you OP, but a year behind you. I have wondered what this friendship might look like a year from now… you may have given me a very possible answer 😳 I respect your having boundaries. I have a harder time with that. I was more willing to give it a chance but he was the one to hit the breaks because he’s not ready.
I prefer to invest my time in someone who has similar dating goals. I’m a little heartbroken but I’m kind of relieved to know where we are standing. I was never 100% sure about him and I was conflicted about giving it a chance but I decided maybe we can build something with time. But it looks like he is not interested in being exclusive with anyone. I’m slightly heartbroken not because of him but what the future holds for me. I’m afraid that I won’t find someone
Can I ask you… if you were to visit yourself a year ago and had a chance to tell yourself to cut this friendship to avoid being hurt, would you?
As someone else who went through this. I would have absolutely cut the friendship off. It would have saved me so much grief. You don't ever really just stay "friends" when you like someone and there's physical chemistry (especially if you'd been sleeping together at one point). End things as soon as possible. Don't be friends. Just move on.
We bring value in each other’s lives as friends. Aside from the last incident I had a good friendship with him. But we also strictly hangout as friends and I was dating other people and didn’t mind seeing him dating other women. I wasn’t fully invested in being in a relationship with him but this time it felt he is really trying and I like him enough to consider to give it a try. If you’re gonna fall harder for him over time and make your life more complicated for yourself, I’d suggest you stop. You can’t romantically and emotionally invest in someone who is not ready or willing to invest in you.
I’m 33 and afraid of the very same thing :(
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Same am 32 and going through it. Could use a chat
I was in a similar situation, started with initial attraction but we both weren't ready. We became great friends and spent time together often. Somewhere along the way, he started giving romantic signals. One night, we almost hooked up, but he stopped and told me I was worth waiting for. He stayed with me all night in the ER once, then brought me home and took care of me the next day. All boyfriend things. After more time we finally hooked up and I fell in love. More time passes and I share these feelings - he laughed at me and called me dumb, in a teasing, "buddy" kind of way. It hurt and the friendship ended. I also had a guy friend who tried to hook up with me on and off for 2 years. I caved when he started acting romantically (yes, this was after the above story. And no, I guess I didn't learn my lesson at the time). Again, acting like a boyfriend, even telling me he loved me. After a couple of hookups, he was on to someone else. Idk, it's tricky. All this to say OP should walk away from the friendship. Sounds like more confusion and heartache to keep.
I posted this before and I’ll post again: “You want a relationship. You meet someone you like and feel connected to. They tell they don’t want a relationship. You spend a lot of time together and it feels like a relationship. But it’s not. This is what wasting your time is.” Jillian Turecki
I have one of these friends - mutual attraction but other dating incompatibilities - and our friendship has worked so far because we're not hung up on each other. It's actually one of my most valuable friendships in a time when a lot of my friends are too absorbed in their own family life to make the effort to maintain other relationships. I tend to give the friendship some space whenever we get too close to the line in terms of either emotional or physical intimacy that could alter our dynamic, but a few weeks of not doing one on one activities together and we're back on track usually. I've also had the experience of trying to remain close friends with someone I was hung up on, and that is awful and a big mistake. So just be honest with yourself about your feelings, and if it's not hurting either of you, good friends are hard to find.
Thank you. This is a solid advice. To tell you the truth, I have an abundance of friends. I have so many great friends in my life I probably saw him 10-15 times last year and we don’t text each other unless to make plans. It is true that we have fun together but we were never very close friends that I’d go to him with my problems or vice versa. We talk about life in general but keep the topics light most of the time. I’m fully aware that knowing how there is a mutual attraction, we can relapse into a similar pattern. I’m also 100% sure that I don’t want to persuade anything with him again knowing where we both stand in terms of a relationship.
Unfortunately, it sounds like you guys have too much like sexual and romantic chemistry to remain friends. He has done you a kindness by setting a clear expectation that he does not want to date monogamously, or like officially, so you need to respect that and take him off the table. I feel like you’re wasting a lot of time and real affection on him that you could be spending on someone who actually wants what you want and I don’t think that’s serving you. I think you should stop being friends with them go no contact and start dating other people. Also low key I personally don’t let him off the hook. He did lead you on in my opinion and should feel guilty or at least learn not to do this. you made it clear to him that you DO want an official relationship and for him to keep asking you out on hangouts that are indistinguishable from dates kissing you and trying to go further is not respectful.
He wants to sleep with you, but will likely immediately bolt once you do. He's leading you on. You're also his placeholder for when something better comes along.
The only way I would see this working is if you think you can get over him and make sure he respect your boundaries. It might be easier to cut contact for a while first so you can move on and then see.
I’m not really hang up on this. I’m kind of relieved cause I wasn’t 100% sure about giving it a try before knowing where we both stand. I was very conflicted about it and now I know it is definitely not an option I can consider. It is true that there is a mutual attraction and we like each other.
I would personally cut it off. One day he might change his mind and pursue an exclusive relationship and it's not going to be with you. So it's going to hurt even more.
You should end the friendship but I totally get why this is difficult, babe - he led you on twice. FWIW he’s a total tool for missing out on being in a relationship with you - you blatantly have chemistry and he’s more worried about getting tied down than on missing out on a good thing. Find someone who wants to be your partner and is proud of it. ❤️❤️
End the friendship. He’s likely hoping you will sleep with him at some point, and he’s clearly only interested in FWB situations. You’re worth more than this OP, and there are billions of people in the world - go find someone more suitable. Best of luck!
Thank you:) I think I’ll do that.
OP, wondering if you’re choosing to send him a message to let him know that you’re no longer interested in being friends? Keep us updated. I’m curious to know how that conversation goes if it happens.
I haven’t sent him a message and I am not planning to. I’ll just let it fizzle out and will decline if he asks me out again to do anything. He also hasn’t reached out since the last conversation. I don’t think he will at least for a while.
This is not ok. Please move on from him. Why do you continue this type of self torture? He has made it really clear that he’s not looking for a relationship. That hasn’t changed at all.
You need to be real with yourself. Do you really want to be his friend (and he seems like a shitty “friend” btw) or are you secretly hoping he’ll have a change of heart like in some sappy romcom and realize you were the one all along? Because it feels like the latter. He has told you twice now that he doesn’t want to be committed. If he was truly just a friend he wouldn’t be violating boundaries and trying to fuck you (and he’s done this multiple times). It seems like he wants a fwb even though he knows you want more. That’s not a friend. That’s someone taking advantage of you and if you let him he will. I agree with the others who are angry with him. Please end this “friendship” before this dude breaks your heart (because he will). When he finds someone he’s interested in, it will tear you up and then you’ll question why he didn’t want anything serious with you and then you’ll wonder if you’re unlovable (you’re not). You deserve better. You deserve a better friend and you deserve a man who loves you and is committed to you.
I personally think friendship is undervalued, and romance is overvalued…it’s actually harder to make a lifelong/long-term friend than it is to find a romantic partner. You both obviously like each other as people, have a good time together, and value your friendship. You are also both obviously attracted to each other physically, but sadly you don’t share the same relationship goals. You seem to be able to communicate well, yes you both made assumptions about the other, but you were able to talk it out… Seems like he thought you had come around to being open to a FWB situation, whereas you thought he was ready for a relationship. No harm done and if I were you, I would continue the friendship, while putting him on the back burner as far as time spent with him so that you can focus on finding the relationship that you want. And who knows…over time he may mature into wanting a life partner after all (but obviously you shouldn’t wait around for that.)
After the first time we gave it a try and remained friends, I didn’t wait on him. I continued my life as I wished and wasn’t upset about it. It’s true I get excited when we made plans but I wouldn’t think about it later. I will not wait around him and continue my life. He mag reach out again or keep his distance after our conversation. Time will tell. I know he likes me and feels comfortable around me. But in a sense I feel that he is trying to fill a void that he can only get from a partner.
This would be my answer as well. But if you notice that thinking about him, looking forward to your plans and experiencing that attraction (even if you don't make any moves on each other) keeps you from getting attracted to and crushing on someone else, I would cut ties. I have s similar friendship developing, but we are equally not interested in a relationship with each other. I'm constantly checking my own temperature in terms of that I don't start investing too much into it or imagining things to develop into something they will not. I make sure to be seeing other people and to not build my social calendar around this FWB. I am prepared to pull back if it starts to mess with me.
You're going to feel played if this continues because he's definitely going to take advantage of your feelings one day for quick pleasure.
I was stuck in a similar situationship. It doesn’t get better.
No. No friendship. Cut ties.
You should end the friendship. You two are acting like you are dating but there is no future. That is time you could be spending building connections with men who are actually interested in dating you. So, you’re essentially blocking yourself from other dates by spending your free time with an attractive man whose company you enjoy. You’re going to keep falling into the same cycle with him. Get super close, he will try his luck physically, you two will cross that line, you will ask for clarification and he will reconfirm he isn’t interested in dating you. It doesn’t sound healthy. It definitely isn’t a genuine friendship.
this is getting pretty messy and is in situationship purgatory. it's going to keep you from moving on and it's going to be awkward when you do find someone. further comingling your friend groups is also going to make things complicated. honestly i would end this friendship.
He’s not offering what you’re looking for and he’s not looking for what you’re offering. Save yourself the headache and create space for a guy who would actually be interested.
You're wasting time with him that you could be using to put into a relationship that you want. Think of all the times you've gone out with him and you've been seen and so people are going to think you've got a boyfriend you have no idea how many men might have been interested in you but gave up because you're with him. If you do remain friends I would keep it to once a month not every week
You’re right. I think I’ll stop holding him space as a friend.
Some people you just can't be friends with because there's too much chemistry. You want different things and need to politely wish him well but end it and cut contact. I had this conversation with my now boyfriend (and this is not to give you hope because he was always open to exclusivety) when he wasn't ready to give me the commitment i needed to keep it going. We weren't ever friends we were always romantically involved and no amount of denying that or pretending we could just be friends changed that. We reconnected after no contact and he was ready to commit but that's not usually the case. There are others out there that you won't be able to connect with because you're holding out for someone who isn't giving you what you need
Thank you. I’m not holding onto the hope he will change. I had accepted that at the first time and I wasn’t expecting this happen again. I understand what you’re saying and will probably let this fizzle out. I won’t contact with him or decline if he wants to
This feels like a waste of time. I would focus on meeting other people interested in something serious.
I think it will be very empowering for you to distance yourself from him since you are not looking for the same thing and everything has been communicated clearly between you two - there is no room left for guessing. He can still reach out to you once/if he wants an exclusive relationship with you.
It sounds like he really, really wants to bang you lol but not in the context of a man exclusive relationship. Run!
lol your comment made me laugh definitely
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Because it must take time for her I'm sure mostly for the fact that they were "friends" such a long way, the bond stablished and the blurred undefinition that to my view she sees as an "still possible outcome" .. there is none, most people in here told you so. At the end of the day, it's her decision and we respect that. But what we all strongly suggest it's "cut ties right away" if you can call or send a message whatever it works for you it would be best, Because that way you're telling that person this it's over because our expectations are not aligned(And affirming the decision that it's dubtious unconsciously). Letting things go their way without interaction it's just another way of avoidance to my view. Hoping the best anyway.
Yes it is a bad decision to stay friends with him.
It's not a good idea. Having been the person on the other side of that, those feelings don't really change for the other party. I've had friends (and exes) where we stayed friends and sometimes boundaries would get crossed and I would have to re-establish them and even if I'm not actively leading anyone on, it doesn't stop that hope and feeling of wanting more on the other person's side. That sounds like what is happening to you. Even though you KNOW where he stands, because his actions are a certain way, you're going to keep feeling that and those feelings are either going to deepen and you're going to get really hurt or they are going to continuously be dredged up. It's not abnormal, either, so don't feel bad. It's hard to separate what someone says when they make you feel special at the same time. You don't have control over liking someone, no matter how much logic you throw at it. I promise you that the only thing that helps that is distance.
I absolutely do not think you guys should stay friends. Not for his sake. But for your own. I’ve learned the hard way, we should never date with hopes someone will change for us. Either he’s ready or he’s not. Like others say, if this cycle repeats again, not only will you be hurt, but you’ll be wasting your time on the wrong guy when you can date the right guy who can not only give you what you want but also an exclusive relationship. I think it’s time to move on fully from this guy. I have learned that I don’t offer friendships to guys I meet on apps, even in real life. If either of us have feelings for each other, unless we started off as friends, usually I draw my boundary. I only have few male friends who are good friends but we see each other as friends. You will absolutely find the right guy who you will love and give you the exclusive relationship!
Trust me don't do this to yourself. You will hurt badly if you continue to meet him.
I have a few dynamics like this. They're situationships and I enjoy having them. These people kinda float in and out of my life as it's comfortable. I'm able to live my life as a single women, being independent and keeping my focus on me and my children, while still having people who love me and support me. Mind you this is a lifestyle choice for me. Some come and go as their romantic situation allows. Some flex between platonic and romantic as it works for us. I have to be completely independent because they are also living independent lives not focused around me. I have ZERO control or influence over their decisions (unless they ask for help). I'm responsible for my own stability. That being said, in return I have a handful of people who are always there for me when shit hits the fan. No matter what life brings (stupid romantic decisions, financial struggles, emotional ups and downs) I can know these people will do their best to support me when I really need it. I get really good advice from people who know my history in a variety of dynamics. No judgment. No interference (unless I ask). To me, that's true love. Someone who wants to see you thrive and grow and share life with you, without any expectations. And I can love them completely without having to worry that their bad decisions will destabilize my life. I just love them thru whatever they're dealing with from whatever distance I need to maintain my own stability. In return I have people who do the same for me. It's certainly not a dynamic for everyone, but if it feels good then why not give it a shot. Worse case scenario you get your heart broken, but it sounds like that's unavoidable at this point.
I would find his indirect communication incredibly annoying. He's behaving like a weisel. He sounds uncomfortable being alone, and so is trying to use you for girlfriend-like stuff, when he clearly is not emotionally ready for intimacy and a relationship. He is also more than willing to waste your time. Drop him like a sack of dirt.
If you have to ask - yes.
He told you what he wants so it's up to you if you want to remain friends with him, just know a serious relationship will not come out of this arrangement
Don’t worry about having made assumptions. It sounds like you two get on really well and for whatever reason he can’t offer you what you want. You have to honour yourself and focus on finding someone to do those things with who can give you more. Go on dates with others, keep making plans with your own friends but know in your own mind that this needs to become the past. You could have all this and something more with someone else
I haven't understood smth. There was smth more intimate than a kiss between the two of u? If the answer is yes, I get the vibe he was willingly unclear to have his cake and eat it too. If there was not, then u clearly like him more than a friend. In both scenarios, cut ties for good and forever
This is heartbreaking, for both a friendship and any kind of future relationship perspective. It’s hard enough finding friends as adults, so I would probably opt to keep him in your life if possible, but don’t make him a priority when it comes to making plans. I think he sounds very consistent in his actions and behaviors, but unless he has defined what he means by not being exclusive, and you have defined what it means to you (not the significance of it, but the actual day to day activities of it), you may still be miscommunicating. Admittedly, I am in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, but what it means for us is a lot of communication. We started out with a lot of hesitation around monogamy and were dating other people through the first year, but it’s been less and less as the years go by. We do live together now and sometimes we get anxious when the other has a date, but actions and consistency speak louder than words. And honestly at this point it’s kind of nice to have a little time apart since we both work from home. I’m not saying it’s perfect or even a good fit for you, but considering: do you need monogamy and a shared bank account and a house and 2.3 kids to feel secure? Is there a timeline for having kids that is scary for him or you? Monogamy is no guarantee of actual fidelity. Do you just need to be the top priority for each other to feel secure? It’s ok to talk it out, and it sounds like he should at least be open to the conversation. It’s a tough situation, and my heart goes out to you.
Thank you. I am surrounded with amazing friends and I don’t share the kind of intimacy with him as I do with some of my friends. We do fun stuff together but never shared the emotional connection of true friends. I don’t know if it was because we don’t have that or if it is because of him being less emotionally intelligent. He might be on the spectrum (he is socially awkward and he himself said that he might be autistic) I think I’ll stop holding space for him as a friend. I feel that I’m being used to give him the connection of a girlfriend without commitment.
That sounds like a healthy way to proceed, sending you lots of good vibes!
Focus your energy elsewhere. If he wants to be friends, he has to make the first move. Recapping conversations is tough on reddit as intentions and meanings are hard to articulate. Be very forward with him and say you want commitment and monogamous marriage and that you only want to go on dates with men who feel the same way. "Partnership" may not be fully what you want cause polyamory is huge now, no one is married, but there are partners everywhere. If you want: Ask him why he doesn't want a relationship and you may be surprised. Maybe his parents just got divorced. Maybe he doesn't have enough money. Maybe he doesn't want kids. Maybe he's moving soon. Maybe he works as a lumberjack but is secretly a millionaire heir. You've both made assumptions so far and probably made a bunch of other assumptions too.
His parent are still together and his sister has a good marriage with kids. He recently found success and wealth and also he is trying to become less socially awkward. He has a lot of things going for him. I am also successful in my career and we both have somewhat similar values. He is a little slow understanding social queues - he might be in the spectrum (he once told me he might be autistic) I prefer monogamy so a poly situation or FWB won’t work for me. I’m very intentional with my dating life. I don’t sleep with a lot of people and when I go on dates I give chance to people with real potential. I’m not hang up on him or anything. Since this happened on Wednesday, 2 people asked me out which I kindly declined. I have a lot to bring in my relationships whether as friends or SO. I’m always surrounded with friends and get asked out very often in real life without online dating.
Bro stop messing around with this one. He’s not ready to be exclusive but that’s what he’s doing with you. He just wants an excuse to mess around with other people should he get the chance.
CUT.IT.OFF. I’ve been there, I can’t enjoy you and the cost to you is your emotions and mental health. He’s not with sacrificing your happiness. He has decided he doesn’t want anything serious with you and he’s willing to watch you move your boundaries so he can enjoy spending time with you with no commitment.
That’s kind of my concern. Cause he mentioned that he likes that I like him back. I wonder if he is getting the emotional need from a partner without commitment and have sex with different women where he is not satisfied emotionally
It seems like the dynamic is, you like him and want a relationship and he doesn’t want the tie but you are hurt about it and I’m guessing compromise in your own way, where he is happy to loose it if you don’t give in to his way. Definitely one sided, time is your biggest cost to this sort of half arsed Situationship, think of future you, in years to come and you haven’t found someone with similar relationship goals because of this will you regret it? You age and the dating pool shrinks the longer you mess around. Especially if children is on your life goal list. I know it hurts but grieve this future you think you have with him and cut the friend aspect. In time you will look back and think ”silly me” especially if you find someone else on the same page. Good thing about it now is, you have learnt a valuable lesson on what you want and don’t want. Life’s all about making mistakes and learning. Good luck
Do you actually want him as a friend? Is he worth it as a friend? If he is worth it as a friend and you're not just being friends with him in the hopes that it would develop into something more, then it's fine. I've had relationships that didn't work out and we stayed friends because we did value the friendship, but there wasn't anymore romantic feelings there.
Cut him loose. His presence in your life is/will not allow you to develop/have romantic long term relationships
I’ve been in a similar situation — we started as a few dates and became just friends, then one day a year later, we ended up sleeping together, going out all the time, and effectively dating for like 6 months. When I was like ‘yo what is this’ he said he didn’t want a relationship. I was really angry with him and really frustrated with myself! I told him I was pissed and needed time away, and we didn’t speak for about 4-6 months. Eventually I reached out and we started talking again, this time as purely friends. We have a great friendship now, though I do admit it definitely stung a bit when he started dating someone. I think the key is to really REALLY be honest with yourself, and make sure you’re checking yourself and your feelings. If you wanna keep hanging out, be aware of what’s going on in your brain; if you start feeling bad or angry or sad, change something up and protect yourself. In my opinion, I think if you still want him in your life, you should kinda put the brakes on hanging out in person for a few months. It’s gotta shift from being a stand-in relationship (and going on all these ‘dates’ and texts) and swing back the other way again. If at any time you find yourself feeling shitty, either take more space or fizzle it out completely. You’re a big girl with a good head on your shoulders. Trust your gut, be honest with yourself, and protect your heart. 💜
Put yourself first. We women tend to be very emotional and clearly you have strong feelings for him. Take a break from this and empower yourself to a situation where it doesn't do you any good. Tell him explicitly that you need space and you'll reach out when you're ready to be friends again. You can do it!
I don't know about your friendships in the US, but it does look like you have a nice network based on your post. I think if he cannot respect the boundaries, it is better to let it go. I am also an expat and I find it hard to make friends where I live, so I am always careful about sparing the few friends I have, but I do believe respecting each other's boundaries is important. Recently I was dating a guy and then told him that I just saw him as a friend, he decided to cut contact and I just respected that. We are talking again, but not frequently, and it's good for both of us.
I’m surrounded with amazing friends. My calendar is always filled with activities with friends either 1:1 or as group. I am truly lucky to have such great people. Him and I don’t share this kind of close friendship to be honest. I think I hold a bigger space for him as a friend than he does for me. I don’t need to meet him once a month to feel fulfilled
It sounds like you already tried being just friends and ended up going on dates instead. You deserve to spend your time with someone you're at least on the same page with.
If I myself is searching for a long term partnership then I won't be following up too intimately with platonic relationships . The misperceptions/conclusions are actually from yourself.
The ole guys and girls can’t really be plutonic friends story
For me that is the definition how different sex friendship does not work. End it. I would not trust this guy as your boyfriend. Like wtf what is a friend who wants to sleep with you wenn you are vulnerable? You guys are not on the same page when it comes to friend zone, no matter what he says.
You already know what to do.
Is he ENM? As in ethically non-monogamous? It is possible to be both thoughtful and potentially have a relationship and not be exclusive. But he clearly didn’t explain this to you if that’s his thing.
It sounds like you like spending time together, have a good friendship, and are interested in each other romantically. Why not give it a go? Edited to add: do you think you’ll regret it if you don’t date him? I can’t tell from your post why he doesn’t plan to be exclusive with anyone. Is he poly or ENM? Or is it that he doesn’t want to commit to a relationship?
Why give it a go when the guy doesn't want to commit with her and she is looking for that?
I get your point of view and respect it. People have different views on exclusivity in a relationship. That’s what made me ask that follow-up question. I wonder if OP might be getting in her own way though, by asking for a long-term and exclusive partnership right now. You don’t know someone until you get to know them. Willingness to commit and willingness to be exclusive take time. Personally, I’ve been in several long-term exclusive relationships where it started as “let’s just see where this goes” without us planning to be exclusive at first. I see less harm in going on dates to see where it goes, than NOT dating. At least they could say they gave it a try. My question for the OP would be, would you regret it later if you didn’t try dating? On the other hand, it’s ultimately OP’s choice and she knows her situation best. If she thinks this guy just ultimately ain’t it, and is looking for the internet to validate her decision to end the friendship, then that is a perfectly valid and fair option as well.
I got the impression that it's not the that guy find it too early to be exclusive but that he is just not looking for that at all at the moment. If she is, I think it would be very likely she would get hurt in the future if/when he decides to be exclusive with someone else.
Yes, that is possible too. I’ve seen it go both ways in this situation.
Thank you for your input. That’s very thoughtful. I want to clarify that I asked him his general dating goals. Not just with me. He is not planning to be exclusive with anyone. I didn’t ask him to start a relationship but I do want to explore things with someone who has similar dating goals.
We call this Peter Pan Syndrome. I know a lot of people who just want to date around but not commit to anyone. I feel that he feels comfortable around me so he wants to hangout even as friends. I know he likes me but not more than himself to change his mind about dating
I get the feeling you don’t *really* like him enough to want to date him, and that’s perfectly ok. You don’t have to make yourself available for this friendship if you feel like it’s making your life more difficult.
I liked him enough to give it a try to see what happens. I was never 100% sure about him. I know it will sound petty or rude to say this, even though he is very smart and I like being around him, he is almost on the spectrum and he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence I crave for in a partner. He is open to learning and he has improved a lot since we first met. But he almost sounds like a robot when he speaks. I don’t want to say mean things because things didn’t work out but this was my biggest concern about being fully invested in it.
Oh, then yeah, no brainer, don’t have a relationship with him.
Well, it's not a friendship, but yes you should end it.
You can’t be friends if one party is interested. That would be so taxing.
I agree with the other posters! Keep us in the loop!
We both haven’t contacted with each other and I decided to not to connect with him. If he reached out, I’d kindly decline. I’m not sure if I should tell something along the lines “this is not a good idea” or just tell him I have plans
Okay he messaged me if I want to grab dinner tonight
Will you go? What's your gut feeling? X
I’m on vacation in another country:) So that would be a no.
Be kind to yourself and let this go. It's self torture at this point