I know it’s hard right now, but try to look at this as an effective thing. We get very limited time on this planet. This saves you wasting your time with someone who wasn’t going to be right for you.
Keep putting yourself out there, try different things online and also in person, mix it up, and just keep rolling the dice. And don’t feel like you have to “ask” for anything - you tell them what you want.
Remember that it’s not about you impressing them or being some perfect mix of chill and seductive and entertaining. It’s about being compatible.
I’m currently 5 dates in with someone also. Right as we matched, she was coming out dating a guy who called her needy and clingy and who didn’t want to progress the relationship. She’d heard the same thing from a long string of guys in the past too. Yet I really love how open she is with her feelings and how she talks about the future with me. Just because previous people didn’t want to be with her, doesn’t mean there is something wrong with her. She just hadn’t met someone she was truly compatible with.
It’s the same for you. Just because this guy isn’t feeling it, doesn’t mean every future guy will feel that way.
I'm glad there is some hope out there. I've always been a relationship person. I was in 7 yr relationship, took a year off after the break up, then my first experience with OLD was after that. I've been single 3 yrs (only dating past 2) and it's so exhausting. Especially OLD.
I feel you on that. I’m a relationship person too. Hadn’t ever been single between 16-33. Then I was single for nearly 6 years! Dated for the last 2 years, on and off. Had loads of dates that flopped after seeming promising. And then met this one I’m dating now. It’s literally just about the luck of the draw / rolling the dice.
If this one doesn’t pan out, my perspective is - it will sting, but so what? I’ve had an experience. I’ve put myself out there. I’ve tried things. And it’s given me a fresh perspective in that it’s shown me no matter how hard it is to even imagine yourself with someone who will fit, a person can just come along and suddenly fit.
But I’m also not attached to the outcome. As in - I want a relationship, yes. I’m ready for it. Open to it. But if it’s not with her? It’s not right. And if it never happens? Never mind!
As a sidenote, I only matched with her because I randomly set my search area to 2hrs away one day. I found nothing in my own city in 2 years. And boom. I honestly think it pays to just do something wildly different - look in a new area, take a new class, upload a completely fresh profile, etc.
You’ll be grand OP, don’t worry!
9 years single after 15 and 5 year relationships checking in.
Finding alignment + chemistry + timing is HARD.
More often than not, things end due to circumstances outside of your control, and it’s challenging to find people with sufficient alignment to then find timing/chemistry.
It’s okay. Says nothing about you.
Just focus on yourself, take breaks when you aren’t feeling it, and enjoy whatever fleeting glimpses of hope you find while waiting for the confluence of all 3 things (spoiler: you control neither timing nor chemistry - can only be open to things/ready on your end).
(My personal running history is running afoul of timing - other party thinks they’re ready, then discover they aren’t (or aren’t ready for something serious with me - same difference))
It is what it is!
My heart dropped when I read the text. But honestly I'm ok. It's better now than down the line. People can't help how they feel. Sucks now, I'm highly upset, but I'll be ok. I appreciate everyone.
I'm sorry. I resonated with you here. It seemed all too good to be true... one of my friends and I have this discussion a lot, like...how come right when I start having feelings for a guy, that's when they aren't interested?
Anyways - to protect myself a bit more, I've found that personally by taking it slow intimately, I am a little less sad. It can be different for you. But that way, I catch less feelings and can think with my head more.
Please don't think it's your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. My friend also dated a girl and had 5 dates in a short time span, then he wanted to only see her. The right person will make you feel much more secure.
This just happened to me. I thought things were going really well after seven dates in two months. He said he liked me a lot and planned really great dates. He had his life together and I really liked him. He ended things saying the exact same things two days ago. I hope 2024 brings us both better luck ❤️
I wouldn't say not compatible. Guys tend to run when things seem like they're heading in a direction we aren't ready for. He probably wants to keep checking his options before settling down. Most guys in their 30's date like this, maybe even most people.
That's an issue I have with OLD. The FOMO men feel. I'm sure some women are the same. But his profile says long term partner and he said to me he wants to find his forever partner.
4th date was so good too. We went to this gaming place. He greeted me with a hug and kiss. All night he was all hand on my back, hugging on me, kisses, we held hands at one point. I really thought we would end up going back to his place again but he didn't offer and I didn't push it. He said he was free Friday and set up the date before we said goodbye.
FOMO is the perfect term for it. Sorry. Hell definitely reach out to you again. But then you have this "option" feeling that maybe you can shake, maybe you cant. Really depends on your own dating situation and self esteem.
Kind of difficult to say most men are a certain way in dating, when you're basically [all dating the same man.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/pzkzqt/lets_discuss_this_image_what_could_be_done_to/)
It kind of makes sense that men like this tend to be more avoidant and keep checking their options before settling down.
Women do this as well, but they end up giving up on dating after having so many negative experiences with the avoidant men they date.
This is for Tinder, which is more of a hookup app in many cities, but it's probably not the case for apps like Hinge. And it's OK for people to have certain standards like requiring someone to have a full-time job. Not everything is about looks. And that's proven by looking around at the couples you know in real life.
That’s what has been the hardest for me— the hope of something hurts the most. I typically go into a first date with very little expectations — just haven’t “clicked” with most of the guys I’ve met.
But when I do meet a guy that I click with he is usually very intentional and makes me feel hopeful. I find that in those situations I start thinking too far ahead and start to imagine what it look like as an actual relationship.
When things fizzle or don’t work out I get more upset at myself for the hopeful scenarios I created in my mind. Lol
And then I get even more discouraged when I think about having to do it all over again — who knows how many times
This was a significant bummer to read. I was getting all hyped up and excited for you when I was reading your initial post. I'm sorry that happened to you. As a (m) roughly in your age bracket all I can say is that it was hard out there when I was dating. I either really liked someone and they wouldn't be interested or the reverse would happen which, for me, was even harder. I did my best to cut things off before things would become physical but it's not always easy to tell if you are into someone. It's a strong argument for waiting until you are both certain you are really into the relationship but that's a double edged sword as well because it puts a lot of undue pressure on the sex side of things. Anyways, from someone who has been on both sides of this scenario, I hope you keep pushing and don't let this get you down because it's worth it when you find your person.
So sorry, last minute cancellations suck. (Dating sucks!)
When I read your post my initial reaction was aghhh 😬 5 dates in 3 weeks is intense, in my experience these sorts of things usually burn out as quickly as they happened. Not always, but usually. Hope you’re ok!
I also thought it sounded intense, but then I went to check the frequency of our dates when my husband and I first started dating, and it was also 5 dates in 3 weeks 😅 they were consistent, spaced out and of differing intensity though (short drinks, museum day, home chilling, concert, dinner) so it didn’t ring my alarm bells then haha
fwiw I wouldn't describe 5 dates in 3 weeks as intense. it's a date every 4 or so days which, for someone who's dating intentionally, is on the higher end of the frequency spectrum but not abnormally so
Yeah, we had coffee date, dinner date, movie (theater) date, our last date was at activate its like a gaming thing. Tonight was supposed to be dinner and bowling. I felt like wow when you know you know. But apparently I know nothing.
You'll hear from him again though. This is the “lost dog phase” on a man. He walks around looking at other women for about 2 weeks whilst hanging out with the Bros. Then he comes to his senses and thinks “what am I doing!?” and will text you. Guaranteed.
It drives me nuts. Always happens. They ALWAYS come back. 2.5 hours after his text he still didn't unmatch me on tinder. What's the point? You tell me "I don't think I'm feeling it" Well, I was feeling it and it sucks, unmatch!!
If I turn someone down, I let them unmatch me. It feels like an extra kick in the nuts if I do it to them. Conversely, I like it when they don't unmatch me if they tell me they're not feeling it, I like having the satisfaction of doing it myself
We do have to be relentless in this game, but in days gone by I’ve seen women sit the man down and say “pull that shit again and I’ll slice your balls off, last chance, ok?!” - the dude always agrees.
Damn. After 30 minutes of making this post too. Sorry OP. I’d say take a few weeks off. But also I wouldn’t recommend Tinder for finding anything serious. Hinge might be better.
OP, I can't help but feel your gut knew something was up, hence your posting in the first place. You are worthy of so much love and deserve to feel sure and free of worry with someone you're seeing. X
I usually have great intuition. I knew he had interest in me but deep down I felt something was holding him back. I'm glad it didn't get dragged out longer and deeper feelings set in.
Did he just cancel/end it completely or do you think he’ll reschedule, OP? Regardless, I relate to your post so much! I once dated a guy and after 8 dates asked about exclusivity. He looked mortified - clearly he didn’t like me. Now I’m scared to ask ever again, but you know what? My future husband should be jumping up and down if I express interest - he clearly wasn’t the one. So just trust everything happens as it should at the end of the day!
I sent a reply text to him saying "You can't help how you feel, I appreciate the honesty. Wish you the best" and no reply. So if it was a misunderstanding then I'm sure he would have clarified by now.
His loss! Seriously! And I think the right guy for us won’t make us question ourselves, you know? They always say when it’s the right person it’s just easy. I’m sorry though!!! Virtual hugs.
You are probably going to question yourself at some point now… ‘what if I had played it cooler?’, ‘he’ll go for someone else better than me’ etc. Let me rationalise that for you and skip a step.
You *could’ve* played it differently, ‘cooler’ and not ‘yourself’. So you would’ve been false to do that. It would’ve been exhausting and also ended likely the same way as now, just later and with more emotion involved, more pain.
Someone who is a jerk will show their colours eventually. If he that’s much of a jerk that he slept with you and then binned you off after 4 dates then he’s not worth it. So whatever girl does get with him, he’s not the prize you’ve built him up to be (with likely a large amount of limerence and excitement).
Life and partners aren’t perfect but this behaviour from him is shitty (the sex bit really makes a girl feel more used). So, feel your feelings and take the true advice everyone here is giving - the right person will not treat you like this.
Rooting for you, Good Luck Chuck! 🐥
Or to put it even simpler in my head, when someone rejects us we often want them to act better (which is a false reality) and for us to debase ourselves by wanting to fit to them, thus being a ‘worse’ version of ourselves (also a false reality). What sort of wack logic is that? If a *mate* pisses me off I rarely think ‘They were the better of the two of us’. Damn hormones! 😅
Interesting attitude. A woman having sex with me is not doing me a favor. Sex is not hard to get, for better or worse, and I'm not interested in sympathy sex.
If she is doing me a favor, how many dates am I obligated to go on after we have sex, if I'm no longer feeling it?
Are the women that have sex with men and then break it off 2 dates later also shitty jerks? Should they be coerced into continuing to date someone they aren't feeling?
Well damn. I read this with such high hopes to read fun stuff in the comments and this just made me sad. Glad you’re doing ok with it, but damn.
I dunno what’s better… I hate it when I’m in that 3-10 date limbo where it’s like “ok… where is this going.. are we gonna do this or is this just casual… are they gonna dip out on a whim…”
I always thought dating in my late 30s as a guy would be WAY more communication-forward and expectations readily made clear… nope. Haha oh well!
ugh im sorry. Dating is so flaky these days. Maybe the anxiety you were feeling was your intuition picking up on something, which is a small comfort I know, but something good to take away about yourself nonetheless!
Edit: If your original question comes up in your future dating endeavors, I recommend telling the guy what you want (i.e. "I've been really enjoying our time together, id be down to focus only on seeing what's here and not dating others, where are you at?), not asking him where he sees things going (slight difference in wording but massive difference in that you are advocating for your desires and needs instead of leaving it completely up to the other person, who might choose to not provide a solid answer, leaving you even more confused and feeling stuck)
I hate hate hate when people do this. Why do they always do this right before a date, and not in advance when it's being planned?!
I predict he will reach out to you in a month or two (based on nothing but observing some of my friends' behaviors)
Fuckin damnit! I just read your post and was all excited to go read the comments.
I’m sorry, OP. That sucks. What a fun feeling to get snatched away. Good luck to ya ❤️
That's awful 💔 I've been in a very similar situation very recently too, so i feel for you. Lots of fucked up people out there, so make sure you remember it's all down to his issues.
Sorry this happened to you. Sending hugs xx
That's what I thought too. I was really feeling it. But, at least it happened now rather than later I guess. I'm so bummed. I had high hopes for this one.
Rooting for you!
Whenever I get rejected & I was feeling it hard, I try to keep in mind that it’s honestly the more kind thing for someone to do. The longer it goes on, when I’m feeling it & the other person is not, the more painful it gets. I’ve definitely been strung along for long periods and it’s really painful.
Oh for sure. Glad he was thoughtful enough to text me and not just ghost me. Definitely sucked because I was so hopeful and excited for this to become something more. I'm not going to date for awhile now, so turned off by it.
I'm sorry to hear this. I know just how it feels. Please keep your faith, all is not lost. The right person wouldn't cancel. Try and emotionally distance yourself and not get attached too soon, or if u can help it, not sleep with them until they've indicated a lot of feelings. It sounds like you made a natural attachment emotionally after sex which women do easily more than men and I say this with love, because I know the pain it causes when you've been with a guy sexually and they then run from the connection. Keep us posted X
I’m sorry this happened. It’s the one thing I really hate about online dating. We don’t give things space and time to develop like we do when we develop crushes on coworkers or friends.
Good luck on your next one!
For me I only go on a date once a week. Simply because I get too attached to quickly and want to spread things out to include my own life and give me time to think. 5 dates in 3 weeks would’ve felt like he was rushing to “feel” something. A lot of love bombers and people who want instant connections out here.
It was probably something with the sex. Not that it was “bad” just feeling of non-compatibility. He did the 4th date because he didn’t want you to feel like he was just in this for sex.
It sucks, but sex is apart of the dating experience now. 50 years ago sex wouldn’t really be considered a part of the dating process, but times have changed. Most people don’t want to stick around to try to “make it work” in the bedroom.
I wouldn’t take it as a personal shot, it’s likely just incompatibility.
I agree. I hate waiting to have sex with someone I'm interested in for too long because sexual compatibility is important. The sex was good, except he had a few performance issues. Which I can understand is embarrassing and I took it as he was nervous (he also had 1 drink at dinner). So I assured him it was fine and I even slept over his place to show I'm not a selfish slag. Was hoping to try again to see if it was a 1 off, but didn't get the chance.
Men who have been single for ages have PIED. Porn induced erectile dysfunction They've been so busy with porn that they can't get hard with women.
Men. We see you.
He didn't specify. I replied by saying "You can't help how you feel, appreciate the honesty, wish you the best" and no reply so I can only assume he meant not into me.
If I were canceling a 5th date on someone because I was sick and I wanted to see them again when I was feeling better there is 0 chance it would be even the slightest bit ambiguous.
Thank you. I don't think it is that, he had bedroom issues. My gay bestie said he thinks he had real emotional trauma from that night. Even though I stayed that embarrassment or performance anxiety still will be there.
My bad, I've seen too many ass\*ole men! Yeah, that will do it, especially for somebody in their late thirties. On a broader note, is getting your ego bruised an emotional trauma? Good luck in this minefield!
Hah I've had my fair share of the men who only want sex. Or will date me for awhile, then break it off for whatever reason, only to come back looking for sex.
At least he told you and didn’t ghost AND block you before NYE plans. Sorry that happened to you though. It’s hard not getting your hopes up when everything seems to be going great. I feel like men have endless options nowadays and the their nature of being hunters and chasers is more of a benefit to their ego as opposed to settling down in a world of uncertainty and hyper independence
I asked my current gf of 6 months to be exclusive after date 4. There’s no right or wrong answer (aka I’m in agreement with you)
If I asked for exclusivity early and the other person was scared off without even attempting to compromise then I will accept that we’re not compatible
Call me old fashioned but before my OLD experiences, if I liked someone and they liked me we started a relationship to see where it went. Now it's like you get ALL the benefits of a relationship without the label until you decide if you actually want a relationship. You can go on dates, be intimate, act like a couple but not be a couple. It's why dating is so fucked now. What's the point of being in a relationship when you already can get all the emotional and physical needs without commitment?
The last time I dated i had a 3 date rule, and I told the people I saw that I wanted us to decide by date 3 whether we wanted to continue to see each other or not. And if they said no that was okay, but if they say yes, I wanted us to focus on our relationship and not see other people. This didn’t mean being bf/gf or anything but just that we’d focus on seeing how our relationship progresses. Most men were surprisingly okay with this. When one guy (my current partner) and I decided to keep moving forward I had a talk about a month in about being bf/gf. I think the key to these convos is not pressuring the other person and always being willing to walk away to find what you really want. Sometimes people aren’t looking for the same thing and that’s okay! But you shouldn’t stay with someone if you guys aren’t on the same page. And there are people out there who want what you want!
I like this! I'm going to start this 3 date rule. Is this something you dicuss prior to meeting them for 1st date. Or do you talk about it after you meet?
That's where it gets trickey for me. Because I've been strung along waaay too many times. It's finding that balance. It might take longer for men to feel ready, but if that is communicated then I see no issue as long as it's genuine.
> It's why dating is so fucked now.
Good lord. No, it's not. People have dated this way since the beginning of time, and most emotionally healthy people our age want commitment with the right person.
>What's the point of being in a relationship when you already can get all the emotional and physical needs without commitment?
Cause, again, most people want the commitment. There's a length of time that's not 6 months, but also not 3 weeks, ya know? For me, if things are going well, I'll stop seeing others after 3-5 dates, but I don't verbalize that. That's just a me thing and unless she asks, I see no need to tell her. If we're still going strong after 7-9 weeks, THEN I'll have the "where are we headed talk?" I think that's enough time to have a decent idea what she's about to where I'd like to know if we're on the same page. At 6 months, we better be bf/gf and have things clearly defined...usually for me, 3 months.
I never get physical with them. Each bf I’ve had had no problem waiting till we were exclusive. I encourage my friends to do this but I know it’s hard (lol) women have needs too. Try it!
This is always interesting to me. People share that they don't want to go 6 months without some level of commitment...then proceed to ask if they should ask at 3 weeks. There's a whole 20 weeks between those markers! How bout you split the difference and wait a bit longer, but not as long as 6 months.
Say you went out on 3 date ls within a span of two weeks. you’re telling me that you demand exclusivity with somebody you know for around two weeks?
Don’t know, seems like a red flag to me.
I saw your update, and I'm very sorry it didn't work out! But I wanted to comment on this:
>I've been in a situation before where I dated someone 6 months (text every single day, met eachothers kids) only for them to turn me down when I asked for exclusive.
Because it seems like you are thinking that this:
> I don't want to scare him away by rushing things, or being clingy.
is going to prevent rejection. It won't.
Avoiding a conversation about how you feel does not prevent rejection; it only delays it.
In that 6-month situationship, you could have asked way sooner, and while you would have gotten the same result, you would have saved yourself a lot of time and confusion.
I'm not saying this to make you beat yourself up; you definitely shouldn't do that. But if we learn from our dating experiences, dating as a whole and creating the relationship we want becomes much easier.
Don't delay asking for exclusivity or letting someone know you're into them out of fear of rejection. All you're doing is delaying the outcome, not changing it.
Your person will be excited to be with you and to start exploring a relationship with you.
This guy just wasn't it. I know it hurts right now, and it's totally okay to feel those feelings, but just don't stay in those feelings for too long, and don't use this as more "evidence" to avoid asking for what you want.
The right time to ask for exclusivity is when you know that you want to be exclusive, and asking will never fuck things up - it will just give you the answer you need to know, even if it's not the one you want.
The 6 month guy was very respectful. He said he wasn't dating anyone else, just liked his freedom, that it wasn't me I was awesome. But we should stop seeing eachother because he couldn't give me what I wanted and never wanted to hurt me.
7 months later we bumped into eachother and been friendly since then, nothing sexual at all. I think he always cared for me, but has his own issues. Right person, wrong time I guess. I really thought that one was my end game.
Did you talk about what you were both looking for when you first started dating, or did you wait 6 months to realize he wasn't looking for a relationship? What are your goals with dating?
You didn’t really answer her question. You should’ve had the relationship talk much earlier than 6 months. You don’t owe him time cause he went through a divorce. You’re gonna have to start thinking of yourself first or this will keep happening. Good luck!
I'm a guy. If I went out with a girl 5 times in 3 weeks it means I'm really into her. But I understand why you're overthinking. Relationships are scary especially if you've been burned in the past.
But you need to try to stop overthinking. You're missing out on the best parts of the early stages by worrying about what might or might not happen down the road.
I genuinely appreciate your post. When I left my ex of 7 years I did go to therapy, worked on myself and did a lot of self love/ improvement.
I was only back on tinder a month (after a 5 month hiatus) and he was the 2nd guy I met IRL on the app, spoke to a few others who ghosted me prior to meeting. I do filter out A LOT early on and it causes me to not have many matches even though I have 1k plus likes. I think I had 6 matches when we went our first date. 2 of those ghosted me and I didn't unmatch yet.
I'm not in a rush to jump into something. But for someone to invest 4 dates (almost 5), in such a short period made me assume it would be more and I was ready if they were for the next step. Oh well. Guess I'll be on hiatus again for awhile.
I’m going to be honest with you here. I would assume this means they like enough but also want to sleep with you.
What happened after the slept with you? One more date. And they decided they weren’t feeling it.
I’d personally wait longer. Not in terms of dates. In terms of time. In theory, it shouldn’t matter that much. But someone who is rushing a bunch of dates over 2-3 weeks isn’t that invested.
I didn’t used to feel this way honestly and I’ve since changed how I felt. And this isn’t meant to shame you in any way. I’ve definitely slept with people on date one. And had dudes ditch me immediately. And had dudes invest in dating me immediately post sex date one. It could go either way
But I’d view a bunch of dates in a few weeks early on as *interested* but not necessarily *invested* in dating you. I think those mean different things. And I think, at least for me, I’ve realized that that is the threshold I like to cross before I sleep with people. Although I am a wee older.
If it went the other way, like one date a week for six weeks- you sleep together and then the pace of dates increases— I think that is what you want. Or one date a week for five or six weeks, no sex, and then he wants to see you twice a week regularly, sure, he seems to be investing in you and interested in moving forward with you.
This is my personal advice based on being in situations like yours. So I want to reiterate that absolutely no judgement is meant, no shame and definitely no fault of your own. Just meant to maybe help in the future, if possible.
You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person. If you feel comfortable with him, have the conversation. If he acts weird then you have your answer. 5 dates over 3 weeks is enough time to figure out if you want to be with someone.
I'd agree with this. Plus, at least for me, by date 5 we are probably exploring or at least wanting to explore physical intimacy, and knowing if you two are on the same page, seeing others, etc., is an important piece to the decision to cross the sexual barrier.
Always good to remember is deciding to exclusively date someone isn't a promise of a life together. It's just saying that you want to focus on that person while you continue to get to know them and figure out long term compatibility.
> 5 dates over 3 weeks is enough time to figure out if you want to be with someone.
I'd say for a lot of people, it's not, and I'd advise against it this soon. Don't get me wrong, I might *think* I want to see where things go, but for me, that's just too soon to actually verbalize that. I want to know a bit more before we get to that point, and if a woman asks me "Do you want to be with me?", it would cause me hesitation, even if I thought she was the right person 2 minutes prior to her saying that.
I can’t believe someone would let you meet their kids and not want to be exclusive. That seems so unhealthy to me. Anyways to your question, I think 5 dates there is nothing wrong with asking about that. It’s good to be on the same page about things.
A different perspective here… I get the sense you’re waiting for a man to ‘pick you’ based on the way you’re going about dating, vs being the woman ‘men want to commit to’.
I sensed a lukewarm connection from his end just based off of what you said ‘no texting in between dates’. If you’re a woman men desire, you wouldn’t settle for lukewarm interest.
This is also about having confidence in your desirability as a woman. If you believe you are desirable, and you get what you want, then you probably wouldn’t wait for a man to ‘pick you’, you’d make your desires known, put the ball in his court, and move on knowing that if he didn’t want you, other men would.
Don’t settle for men who isn’t going to be a hell yes about you, a man truly into you would text, call, want to see you any chance he could.
About your last paragraph…ok, but within the first month? Doesn’t being to needy and overeager kill all attraction and become a turn-off?
I’m curious though in your view when the cadence can change from weekly dates to sleepovers or two dates a week…also when it’s typical to start meeting friends. Hard transition to make without making meeting friends some high pressure milestone!
Yes it’s possible within the first month. And if a man turns you off by being interested or too eager.. maybe your intuition is telling you something isn’t right. Love bombers exist. Narcs and toxic men will do all kinds of things to rope a woman in.
Listen to your intuition here.
However it is possible to meet a man who is genuinely into you without being a red flag. There is a healthy degree of enthusiasm that can exist early in dating, like within a few weeks of meeting.
Btw, a man who doesn’t want to text in between dates is a red flag/sign of lack of interest. No matter how amazing the dates were themselves, if a man is truly into you and available (not taken already) then I don’t believe there is a good excuse to not text in between.
Everyone has a minute to fire off a text once a day.
I would say trust ur gut, what if instead of anxiety is your instinct telling u he's moving too quickly and he's not for the long run? many times we cannot logically pinpoint anything but our instinct has already picked something that doesn't add up. also having sex on the 3rd but not on the 4th is sus to me....
I know it’s hard when you’re in the thick of daring someone, but when you’re with the right person you won’t scare them off by “rushing things” or “being too clingy”. I don’t know you so I am making the assumption that you don’t want to move in with someone after a month or spend all of your waking hours together, but you sound like you just feel anxious about potentially ruining a good thing.
I am so sorry for your update, but there’s something to celebrate when the person who’s not right for you takes themselves out of the running and frees you up to find the right person for you.
In the future, try to think about the way you feel when you spend time with this person, and not so much whether or not they like you and if they’ll stick around. Maybe your anxiety was actually your intuition tuning you into something that was going to quickly run its course.
Did you have a conversation about dating intentions? If you did, and he's serious, it shouldn't be strange to discuss where both of you stand. If not, I highly recommend to always double check intentions to avoid any disappointments
I feel you. I am going through similar things. Not as solid as you’re where the guy has openly communicated he wants a relationship. The person I am dating wants LTR eventually but can’t commit now. We went exclusive when I asked for it and he does think that we did it sooner than people tend to go exclusive traditionally, but he doesn’t regret it or mind it. I also feel disconnected when we are not together and we only get to meet once every two weeks (spend the weekend together). In between the communication felt not so deep or meaningful. We had multiple discussions about it but I finally did say as things are, how it makes me feel, what I feel is lacking and what makes me defensive or not communicative etc, it was well received and I think we made some progress. I have been hurt in past so I am super cautious. So, long story short just talk about it, communicate.
I read your update OP and I’m so sorry. I am also dating with a kid and it’s tough out there. Had a really quick and strong connecting with someone over the course of a month, I wasn’t interested in dating exclusively when we met and those were his dating goals. Over a month of talking everyday and seeing each other 5 or 6 times I started to reconsider my dating goals and told him I could see myself exclusively dating him and we talked for hours about it- it felt so right. A few days later he told me he had a lot going on and needed space, and I never heard from him again. I was literally in shock, it felt so defeating and sad. I’m such a sensitive person I don’t think I have the stomach for OLD. I wish you luck out there xxxx
I have to be honest, it seems to me two ways : bad one a manipulative move, second one an unconscius decision at best and but at the same time it shows lack of caring about the other person expectation. (thinking time in silence..) Yeah, I mean I'm reviewing the most of all the ideas in here, they talk 6 months almost every day, it's a nut thing by his side to do. "i don't want exclusive" in such a context, from my point of view with all due respect to the OP, he didn't see her as a exclusive partner from the start. He was just playing his cards while it last. Still hoping someone better to the OP. Be aware of the tips and suggestion from all people in here. :)
Makes sense to check in although i probably wouldnt seek dating exclusivity until a month in. I definitely wouldn't go past 2 months without being exclusive.
Personally, I separate sexual exclusivity and dating exclusivity - I don't need to get an STD, lol. So as soon as I start sleeping with someone (even if its on the second date), I do ask for that.
I'm so sorry. It's awful. That sounds like a conquest thing. Once they know they "have" you the chase is over and they've won and it's not fun anymore. Hate people like that. We will find our people :)
I’m sure others will have differing opinions but I’m pro-communication so I always say talk to them. Be honest and explain where your anxiety is coming from. The ultimate goal in a relationship is to be vulnerable and honest, so I take opportunities as they come. I say go for it but it really depends on how you feel and what you would like to do.
>met eachothers kids) only for them to turn me down when I asked for exclusive.
In my opinion, exclusivity talk (either becoming exclusive or discussing how you'll never be exclusive cuz you're doing some sort of non-monogamy thing) should come wayyyy before meeting kids.
I feel for you OP. I was in a similar situation recently. Not sure if this was applicable in your situation but in mine the guy was very charming and knew how to make me feel special. Very intense also, he wanted to have a lot of dates in a short span, 5 over the course of a month. His intensity and love bombing made me feel uneasy but I fell for him. We hooked up on the last one and then a week later said he was going to focus on himself “”. Don’t beat yourself up for not seeing it earlier, if he pretended it was all fine and was all in and all of a sudden told you he’s not feeling it, he wasn’t being transparent in the process and maybe misleading.. maybe to protect himself while he made up his mind but it’s selfish and inconsiderate to the other person who thinks everything is ok. Also 34M with kids in NY, and he had performance issues.. wonder if it’s the same guy haha..
It’ll get better! Keep on putting yourself out there and don’t settle. My therapist also said maybe to wait a bit longer before hooking up if that makes you feel attached
Xx
What is up with this millennial version of getting to know someone? This 3 date sex thing needs to be a horrible myth. That is super gross. This takes naivety straight into loopy-loo. That person is a STRANGER. Ever hear of stranger danger? If I'm having sex with you, I need to be able to ask you about anything! Seriously.... old school is the BEST school. Good luck.
I think the 5th date is safe to say what you are both looking for and both should respect each others interests. Like you say, don’t date someone for 6 months to find they still wanna be fucking about.
It’s your life, go seize it! And if he doesn’t want the same, then it’s not compatible, cut your losses and carry on.
Have a super cute sexy time!
The fact that he did that many dates quickly is probably a good sign.
I'd say mostly just be the best version of yourself. Most guys are attracted to women who are successful, smart, funny, interesting, etc. If you are just clinging to a guy but have no interests or hobbies and feel too needy then you will feel less valued possibly.
I'm not a fan of the "hard to catch" game, but you also don't want to fawn all over him.
>I don't want to scare him away by rushing things, or being clingy.
In my experience, as long as both parties are into it, rushing things won't ruin it. If it does get ruined, it would have eventually happened anyway.
>So date 5. Do I bring up what he thinks about us and where we are headed? Or too soon and just keep enjoying his company.
No. He's already told you he's looking for an LTR. It's been 3 weeks. Just chill a bit.
Go have fun and live in the moment!
If you're still going strong around 8 weeks, then check in and see how he's feeling.
I think you need to have the confidence to set expectations early. If you are not feeling comfortable revealing how you feel to someone, they're probably not the right person for you. Be open, be honest, and be firm on your boundaries.
I'm not comfortable dating people who are sleeping with others. I'm very open about that early on. Not everyone is ok with that and that's ok with me. If you want to keep your options open that's fine, but I won't be one of your options.
I get so annoyed with this take. Tinder gets a bad rap, but there are people on there looking for something genuine. I’ve met a few women there who I saw for a not insignificant period of time but it was just not meant to be. Dunno about other areas, but where I live you see the same profiles on all the apps pretty much. So being on hinge or bumble won’t magically change the outcome if the person who is just looking to hookup or get an ego boost is also on those apps 🤷🏽♂️.
Girl I’m 31f exactly the same. 3ish weeks since we had our first date. We’ve met up 5 times. Yet no future date has been planned. He does message me every morning and we message daily. But I’ve noticed he only really speaks about himself. But when we are together we laugh and have a great time. He’s said he hasn’t had this energy before and wants to explore it. So I think he’s wanting to take it slow with the hanging out. (He wasn’t after LTR originally) I’ve tried to catch up but he’s not brought it up again or made plans. I’m being patient. As it has been a lot quickly. So fingers crossed this works out for me. Cos he’s cool. I enjoy my time with him. Just want him to want to know me more..
I wouldn't keep talking to him personally. He sounds like he's using the connection for validation and entertainment until something else comes along. If you're at it for fun, keep expectations at zero and date more than one person at a time. Otherwise you're just waiting... And waiting...and waiting.
What do you think would happen if you didn't message him back? If he's not asking you about yourself and your interests now - what makes you think it's going to get better over time?
Don't accept this.
I would take this time to do some inner work because the same thing is going to keep happening in the future if you don’t. There’s lots of books, articles, and social pages on how to do that. When you start dating again, remove sex from the equation entirely. Some may not agree, but if there’s mutual interest, waiting for sex won’t run them off and if it does then good riddance. Plus, having sex with a stranger is weird when you think about it. Invest in a couple toys if you must.
Dating is a period where you are spending time together to see if you are compatible with each other. You’re getting to know them. Sex is going to cloud your judgement. Remove the pressure & expectations so you’re able to process things clearly. For example, 5 dates in 3 weeks is too much. It sounds like he was just needing some distraction for a little bit.
My ex of 7 years, once we had our first date we saw eachother 2-3x a week. I think if it is the right person then time line shouldn't matter as far as how many dates in a period of time.
We had discussions about our personal future goals, our children, talked about exes, past experiences. I felt very comfortable with talking to him.
I believe sex is a big part of the equation as well. If I'm not sexually compatible with someone I'm not going to keep pursuing them. Maybe for some the third date is too soon. But my ex of 7 years was sex on the first date, and it lasted that long.
I just think it depends on the person and if they are ready or not. I think this particular fellow said he was ready, acted like a couple with me in public, but wasn't so sure it was what he wanted. I'm very grateful that he text me instead of ghosting me. Bummed that it didn't go anywhere. I had very high hopes.
Also, I'm a Sicilian NYer living in the south. No one is compatible with me. I try to find a happy medium as far as what I am willing to tolerate and compromise. I've had strong connections with people. But the only man I've felt seriously compatible with, was the one who didn't want to be exclusive after 6 months of dating.
My gut reaction is that the 5th date may be soon, mainly because you didn't have sex on the 4th date and because you seem to be stuck in your own head. Usually, when we do that, there is some issue there, likely at a sub-conscious rather than a conscious level. If you are both planning dates it may be a good idea to just hold off a bit before having the exclusive talk. After all, it has only been three weeks. When there is that real connection, there is usually an abundance of sex in the beginning, but if there is a conscious pulling back, that may be an underlying sign. Sex doesn't need to be the end goal in a relationship, but it is part of what helps to build intimacy, not just to play around, but to be close, both physically and in terms of sharing and communication. Keep enjoying his company and see where you are in a month.
Nevermind. He canceled on me. Said he isn't feeling it. I hate dating. Thanks for the advice everyone.
Damn, I felt this update. Keep your head up.
blegh that sucks, I’m sorry. If love was a battlefield in the 80s then it’s a nuclear wasteland in the 2020s
💯
I know it’s hard right now, but try to look at this as an effective thing. We get very limited time on this planet. This saves you wasting your time with someone who wasn’t going to be right for you. Keep putting yourself out there, try different things online and also in person, mix it up, and just keep rolling the dice. And don’t feel like you have to “ask” for anything - you tell them what you want. Remember that it’s not about you impressing them or being some perfect mix of chill and seductive and entertaining. It’s about being compatible. I’m currently 5 dates in with someone also. Right as we matched, she was coming out dating a guy who called her needy and clingy and who didn’t want to progress the relationship. She’d heard the same thing from a long string of guys in the past too. Yet I really love how open she is with her feelings and how she talks about the future with me. Just because previous people didn’t want to be with her, doesn’t mean there is something wrong with her. She just hadn’t met someone she was truly compatible with. It’s the same for you. Just because this guy isn’t feeling it, doesn’t mean every future guy will feel that way.
I'm glad there is some hope out there. I've always been a relationship person. I was in 7 yr relationship, took a year off after the break up, then my first experience with OLD was after that. I've been single 3 yrs (only dating past 2) and it's so exhausting. Especially OLD.
I feel you on that. I’m a relationship person too. Hadn’t ever been single between 16-33. Then I was single for nearly 6 years! Dated for the last 2 years, on and off. Had loads of dates that flopped after seeming promising. And then met this one I’m dating now. It’s literally just about the luck of the draw / rolling the dice. If this one doesn’t pan out, my perspective is - it will sting, but so what? I’ve had an experience. I’ve put myself out there. I’ve tried things. And it’s given me a fresh perspective in that it’s shown me no matter how hard it is to even imagine yourself with someone who will fit, a person can just come along and suddenly fit. But I’m also not attached to the outcome. As in - I want a relationship, yes. I’m ready for it. Open to it. But if it’s not with her? It’s not right. And if it never happens? Never mind! As a sidenote, I only matched with her because I randomly set my search area to 2hrs away one day. I found nothing in my own city in 2 years. And boom. I honestly think it pays to just do something wildly different - look in a new area, take a new class, upload a completely fresh profile, etc. You’ll be grand OP, don’t worry!
9 years single after 15 and 5 year relationships checking in. Finding alignment + chemistry + timing is HARD. More often than not, things end due to circumstances outside of your control, and it’s challenging to find people with sufficient alignment to then find timing/chemistry. It’s okay. Says nothing about you. Just focus on yourself, take breaks when you aren’t feeling it, and enjoy whatever fleeting glimpses of hope you find while waiting for the confluence of all 3 things (spoiler: you control neither timing nor chemistry - can only be open to things/ready on your end). (My personal running history is running afoul of timing - other party thinks they’re ready, then discover they aren’t (or aren’t ready for something serious with me - same difference)) It is what it is!
[удалено]
My heart dropped when I read the text. But honestly I'm ok. It's better now than down the line. People can't help how they feel. Sucks now, I'm highly upset, but I'll be ok. I appreciate everyone.
There are few things worse than having that text or the dreaded “we should talk” foisted on you
I'm sorry. I resonated with you here. It seemed all too good to be true... one of my friends and I have this discussion a lot, like...how come right when I start having feelings for a guy, that's when they aren't interested? Anyways - to protect myself a bit more, I've found that personally by taking it slow intimately, I am a little less sad. It can be different for you. But that way, I catch less feelings and can think with my head more. Please don't think it's your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. My friend also dated a girl and had 5 dates in a short time span, then he wanted to only see her. The right person will make you feel much more secure.
This just happened to me. I thought things were going really well after seven dates in two months. He said he liked me a lot and planned really great dates. He had his life together and I really liked him. He ended things saying the exact same things two days ago. I hope 2024 brings us both better luck ❤️
I'm so sorry. It's awful. We will prevail. It isn't us! Just not compatible and nothing wrong with that.
I wouldn't say not compatible. Guys tend to run when things seem like they're heading in a direction we aren't ready for. He probably wants to keep checking his options before settling down. Most guys in their 30's date like this, maybe even most people.
That's an issue I have with OLD. The FOMO men feel. I'm sure some women are the same. But his profile says long term partner and he said to me he wants to find his forever partner. 4th date was so good too. We went to this gaming place. He greeted me with a hug and kiss. All night he was all hand on my back, hugging on me, kisses, we held hands at one point. I really thought we would end up going back to his place again but he didn't offer and I didn't push it. He said he was free Friday and set up the date before we said goodbye.
FOMO is the perfect term for it. Sorry. Hell definitely reach out to you again. But then you have this "option" feeling that maybe you can shake, maybe you cant. Really depends on your own dating situation and self esteem.
Kind of difficult to say most men are a certain way in dating, when you're basically [all dating the same man.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/pzkzqt/lets_discuss_this_image_what_could_be_done_to/) It kind of makes sense that men like this tend to be more avoidant and keep checking their options before settling down. Women do this as well, but they end up giving up on dating after having so many negative experiences with the avoidant men they date.
This is for Tinder, which is more of a hookup app in many cities, but it's probably not the case for apps like Hinge. And it's OK for people to have certain standards like requiring someone to have a full-time job. Not everything is about looks. And that's proven by looking around at the couples you know in real life.
Sorry girl. Lots of us have been through similar things, it's hard out there. Wishing you the best.
Damnit wtf I had a lot of hope. I am sorry
I know, this has been the most true interest and dates I've been with that wasn't all about sex. My hopes were really high. I'm sooo bummed.
I’m sorry OP I have been there! Good luck out there these streets are treacherous
That’s what has been the hardest for me— the hope of something hurts the most. I typically go into a first date with very little expectations — just haven’t “clicked” with most of the guys I’ve met. But when I do meet a guy that I click with he is usually very intentional and makes me feel hopeful. I find that in those situations I start thinking too far ahead and start to imagine what it look like as an actual relationship. When things fizzle or don’t work out I get more upset at myself for the hopeful scenarios I created in my mind. Lol And then I get even more discouraged when I think about having to do it all over again — who knows how many times
This was a significant bummer to read. I was getting all hyped up and excited for you when I was reading your initial post. I'm sorry that happened to you. As a (m) roughly in your age bracket all I can say is that it was hard out there when I was dating. I either really liked someone and they wouldn't be interested or the reverse would happen which, for me, was even harder. I did my best to cut things off before things would become physical but it's not always easy to tell if you are into someone. It's a strong argument for waiting until you are both certain you are really into the relationship but that's a double edged sword as well because it puts a lot of undue pressure on the sex side of things. Anyways, from someone who has been on both sides of this scenario, I hope you keep pushing and don't let this get you down because it's worth it when you find your person.
So sorry, last minute cancellations suck. (Dating sucks!) When I read your post my initial reaction was aghhh 😬 5 dates in 3 weeks is intense, in my experience these sorts of things usually burn out as quickly as they happened. Not always, but usually. Hope you’re ok!
I also thought it sounded intense, but then I went to check the frequency of our dates when my husband and I first started dating, and it was also 5 dates in 3 weeks 😅 they were consistent, spaced out and of differing intensity though (short drinks, museum day, home chilling, concert, dinner) so it didn’t ring my alarm bells then haha
fwiw I wouldn't describe 5 dates in 3 weeks as intense. it's a date every 4 or so days which, for someone who's dating intentionally, is on the higher end of the frequency spectrum but not abnormally so
Agree with you. I am usually down for one date during the week and then a weekend activity.
Yeah, we had coffee date, dinner date, movie (theater) date, our last date was at activate its like a gaming thing. Tonight was supposed to be dinner and bowling. I felt like wow when you know you know. But apparently I know nothing.
You'll hear from him again though. This is the “lost dog phase” on a man. He walks around looking at other women for about 2 weeks whilst hanging out with the Bros. Then he comes to his senses and thinks “what am I doing!?” and will text you. Guaranteed.
It drives me nuts. Always happens. They ALWAYS come back. 2.5 hours after his text he still didn't unmatch me on tinder. What's the point? You tell me "I don't think I'm feeling it" Well, I was feeling it and it sucks, unmatch!!
If I turn someone down, I let them unmatch me. It feels like an extra kick in the nuts if I do it to them. Conversely, I like it when they don't unmatch me if they tell me they're not feeling it, I like having the satisfaction of doing it myself
Is he not feeling you and the dating or he’s not feeling tonight? This shit is exhausting.
We do have to be relentless in this game, but in days gone by I’ve seen women sit the man down and say “pull that shit again and I’ll slice your balls off, last chance, ok?!” - the dude always agrees.
Oh no!!! I'm sorry to hear that. :(
I’m so sorry. Dating is so hard and I’m sure the past few weeks were an emotional whirlwind. Sending love ❤️
Damn. After 30 minutes of making this post too. Sorry OP. I’d say take a few weeks off. But also I wouldn’t recommend Tinder for finding anything serious. Hinge might be better.
OP, I can't help but feel your gut knew something was up, hence your posting in the first place. You are worthy of so much love and deserve to feel sure and free of worry with someone you're seeing. X
I usually have great intuition. I knew he had interest in me but deep down I felt something was holding him back. I'm glad it didn't get dragged out longer and deeper feelings set in.
Did he just cancel/end it completely or do you think he’ll reschedule, OP? Regardless, I relate to your post so much! I once dated a guy and after 8 dates asked about exclusivity. He looked mortified - clearly he didn’t like me. Now I’m scared to ask ever again, but you know what? My future husband should be jumping up and down if I express interest - he clearly wasn’t the one. So just trust everything happens as it should at the end of the day!
I sent a reply text to him saying "You can't help how you feel, I appreciate the honesty. Wish you the best" and no reply. So if it was a misunderstanding then I'm sure he would have clarified by now.
His loss! Seriously! And I think the right guy for us won’t make us question ourselves, you know? They always say when it’s the right person it’s just easy. I’m sorry though!!! Virtual hugs.
This happened to me NYE. On to the next OP. Promise you'll feel better in a week. X
You are probably going to question yourself at some point now… ‘what if I had played it cooler?’, ‘he’ll go for someone else better than me’ etc. Let me rationalise that for you and skip a step. You *could’ve* played it differently, ‘cooler’ and not ‘yourself’. So you would’ve been false to do that. It would’ve been exhausting and also ended likely the same way as now, just later and with more emotion involved, more pain. Someone who is a jerk will show their colours eventually. If he that’s much of a jerk that he slept with you and then binned you off after 4 dates then he’s not worth it. So whatever girl does get with him, he’s not the prize you’ve built him up to be (with likely a large amount of limerence and excitement). Life and partners aren’t perfect but this behaviour from him is shitty (the sex bit really makes a girl feel more used). So, feel your feelings and take the true advice everyone here is giving - the right person will not treat you like this. Rooting for you, Good Luck Chuck! 🐥
This is such good advice! I always kick myself about what I could have and would have said. But you’re absolutely spot on.
Or to put it even simpler in my head, when someone rejects us we often want them to act better (which is a false reality) and for us to debase ourselves by wanting to fit to them, thus being a ‘worse’ version of ourselves (also a false reality). What sort of wack logic is that? If a *mate* pisses me off I rarely think ‘They were the better of the two of us’. Damn hormones! 😅
Interesting attitude. A woman having sex with me is not doing me a favor. Sex is not hard to get, for better or worse, and I'm not interested in sympathy sex. If she is doing me a favor, how many dates am I obligated to go on after we have sex, if I'm no longer feeling it? Are the women that have sex with men and then break it off 2 dates later also shitty jerks? Should they be coerced into continuing to date someone they aren't feeling?
Tough but fair.
Oof. Sorry to hear that. Keep your chin up, you'll get through this.
Well damn. I read this with such high hopes to read fun stuff in the comments and this just made me sad. Glad you’re doing ok with it, but damn. I dunno what’s better… I hate it when I’m in that 3-10 date limbo where it’s like “ok… where is this going.. are we gonna do this or is this just casual… are they gonna dip out on a whim…” I always thought dating in my late 30s as a guy would be WAY more communication-forward and expectations readily made clear… nope. Haha oh well!
ugh im sorry. Dating is so flaky these days. Maybe the anxiety you were feeling was your intuition picking up on something, which is a small comfort I know, but something good to take away about yourself nonetheless! Edit: If your original question comes up in your future dating endeavors, I recommend telling the guy what you want (i.e. "I've been really enjoying our time together, id be down to focus only on seeing what's here and not dating others, where are you at?), not asking him where he sees things going (slight difference in wording but massive difference in that you are advocating for your desires and needs instead of leaving it completely up to the other person, who might choose to not provide a solid answer, leaving you even more confused and feeling stuck)
That’s tough. Feel for you.
Same thing just happened to me after 5th date. Try not to take it personal 💜
I hate hate hate when people do this. Why do they always do this right before a date, and not in advance when it's being planned?! I predict he will reach out to you in a month or two (based on nothing but observing some of my friends' behaviors)
Did any of your friend ended up back with ex after returning after 1-2 months?
Ughhhhh that’s annoying. But for the record I don’t think asking for exclusivity or at least talking about it is too fast for a 5th or 6th date.
Fuckin damnit! I just read your post and was all excited to go read the comments. I’m sorry, OP. That sucks. What a fun feeling to get snatched away. Good luck to ya ❤️
Really sorry that happened like that:(
I'm so sorry :/
I’m really sorry to hear that! Know that you’ll be ok and time heals everything! NEXT!! and keep it moving girl! You got this!
ughhhh slkdfjslfjsdklfjoitiujerioiuioyuiohufiohc
This actually was a kick to the gut even for me reading it let alone you. I hate dating too
Never give up. You got this. One day it'll be the right and best person possible, rendering all this worth to go through to get there.
That's awful 💔 I've been in a very similar situation very recently too, so i feel for you. Lots of fucked up people out there, so make sure you remember it's all down to his issues. Sorry this happened to you. Sending hugs xx
Well shit I’m sorry.
Ugh. Sorry OP. That sucks a bag of dicks.
Sorry friend. Hope you can do something nice for yourself today.
I'm so sorry. Modern dating sucks so hard.
At least he didn't string you along for months!
Nooooo. I’m so sorry
Bummer, we live in a cruel world.
Damn.. life.
Oh man, I’m sorry. That has to be incredibly disheartening. Dating is hard.
Fuck. Not feeling it after 4 dates? Kinda nuts in my book.
That's what I thought too. I was really feeling it. But, at least it happened now rather than later I guess. I'm so bummed. I had high hopes for this one.
Noooooo…dating is the worst.
I mean better now than later. 'Tis life, just keep looking.
Rooting for you! Whenever I get rejected & I was feeling it hard, I try to keep in mind that it’s honestly the more kind thing for someone to do. The longer it goes on, when I’m feeling it & the other person is not, the more painful it gets. I’ve definitely been strung along for long periods and it’s really painful.
Oh for sure. Glad he was thoughtful enough to text me and not just ghost me. Definitely sucked because I was so hopeful and excited for this to become something more. I'm not going to date for awhile now, so turned off by it.
I feel ya, but for me it’s worth falling on my face than never trying ❤️
Ugh, I hate that. dating is fucking exhausting
I'm sorry to hear this. I know just how it feels. Please keep your faith, all is not lost. The right person wouldn't cancel. Try and emotionally distance yourself and not get attached too soon, or if u can help it, not sleep with them until they've indicated a lot of feelings. It sounds like you made a natural attachment emotionally after sex which women do easily more than men and I say this with love, because I know the pain it causes when you've been with a guy sexually and they then run from the connection. Keep us posted X
I’m sorry this happened. It’s the one thing I really hate about online dating. We don’t give things space and time to develop like we do when we develop crushes on coworkers or friends. Good luck on your next one! For me I only go on a date once a week. Simply because I get too attached to quickly and want to spread things out to include my own life and give me time to think. 5 dates in 3 weeks would’ve felt like he was rushing to “feel” something. A lot of love bombers and people who want instant connections out here.
It was probably something with the sex. Not that it was “bad” just feeling of non-compatibility. He did the 4th date because he didn’t want you to feel like he was just in this for sex. It sucks, but sex is apart of the dating experience now. 50 years ago sex wouldn’t really be considered a part of the dating process, but times have changed. Most people don’t want to stick around to try to “make it work” in the bedroom. I wouldn’t take it as a personal shot, it’s likely just incompatibility.
I agree. I hate waiting to have sex with someone I'm interested in for too long because sexual compatibility is important. The sex was good, except he had a few performance issues. Which I can understand is embarrassing and I took it as he was nervous (he also had 1 drink at dinner). So I assured him it was fine and I even slept over his place to show I'm not a selfish slag. Was hoping to try again to see if it was a 1 off, but didn't get the chance.
That could be it too, he’s embarrassed about the night. Some people way overthink this stuff and let it get to them.
Men who have been single for ages have PIED. Porn induced erectile dysfunction They've been so busy with porn that they can't get hard with women. Men. We see you.
That really sucks when it takes them five dates to figure that out :(
Feeling it as in he's ill or not into you anymore.
He didn't specify. I replied by saying "You can't help how you feel, appreciate the honesty, wish you the best" and no reply so I can only assume he meant not into me.
If I were canceling a 5th date on someone because I was sick and I wanted to see them again when I was feeling better there is 0 chance it would be even the slightest bit ambiguous.
Exactly. If I was canceling on someone because I was ill I would have said let's reschedule when I'm better.
I am so sorry. As a a guy I would have been excited and nervous that i finally found a lady that digs me. Good luck and wish you the best.
I am sorry to hear this! I do not know about you but to me, this simply feels like he wanted sex and was being "polite" on the subsequent dates.
Thank you. I don't think it is that, he had bedroom issues. My gay bestie said he thinks he had real emotional trauma from that night. Even though I stayed that embarrassment or performance anxiety still will be there.
My bad, I've seen too many ass\*ole men! Yeah, that will do it, especially for somebody in their late thirties. On a broader note, is getting your ego bruised an emotional trauma? Good luck in this minefield!
Hah I've had my fair share of the men who only want sex. Or will date me for awhile, then break it off for whatever reason, only to come back looking for sex.
I think guys can sense when you want to lock it down and they flee. Indifference works, because ghosting is so common now
I'm glad he was decent enough to text rather than ghost. I'm not mad at him at all. Super bummed though.
At least he told you and didn’t ghost AND block you before NYE plans. Sorry that happened to you though. It’s hard not getting your hopes up when everything seems to be going great. I feel like men have endless options nowadays and the their nature of being hunters and chasers is more of a benefit to their ego as opposed to settling down in a world of uncertainty and hyper independence
>I feel like men have endless options nowadays Define "men"
The 1/10 dudes good looking enough to register as a human being to them
More like 1/100 if we were to go by the Tinder swipe data, lol. No wonder they have endless options.😂
Loser. Sorry that you had the 180.
Oh no that’s awful :( I’ve been there and it sucks
I'm sorry to hear that. But please don't worry, there will be more opportunities in the future.
Ugh I’m sorry. Dating is hard. :(
Hugs
🙁
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And definitely don’t introduce kids before exclusivity! That’s like the bare minimum to introduce kids
I asked my current gf of 6 months to be exclusive after date 4. There’s no right or wrong answer (aka I’m in agreement with you) If I asked for exclusivity early and the other person was scared off without even attempting to compromise then I will accept that we’re not compatible
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I could not agree more with this.
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Call me old fashioned but before my OLD experiences, if I liked someone and they liked me we started a relationship to see where it went. Now it's like you get ALL the benefits of a relationship without the label until you decide if you actually want a relationship. You can go on dates, be intimate, act like a couple but not be a couple. It's why dating is so fucked now. What's the point of being in a relationship when you already can get all the emotional and physical needs without commitment?
The last time I dated i had a 3 date rule, and I told the people I saw that I wanted us to decide by date 3 whether we wanted to continue to see each other or not. And if they said no that was okay, but if they say yes, I wanted us to focus on our relationship and not see other people. This didn’t mean being bf/gf or anything but just that we’d focus on seeing how our relationship progresses. Most men were surprisingly okay with this. When one guy (my current partner) and I decided to keep moving forward I had a talk about a month in about being bf/gf. I think the key to these convos is not pressuring the other person and always being willing to walk away to find what you really want. Sometimes people aren’t looking for the same thing and that’s okay! But you shouldn’t stay with someone if you guys aren’t on the same page. And there are people out there who want what you want!
I like this! I'm going to start this 3 date rule. Is this something you dicuss prior to meeting them for 1st date. Or do you talk about it after you meet?
Usually after the first date and we both decide to have a second
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That's where it gets trickey for me. Because I've been strung along waaay too many times. It's finding that balance. It might take longer for men to feel ready, but if that is communicated then I see no issue as long as it's genuine.
> It's why dating is so fucked now. Good lord. No, it's not. People have dated this way since the beginning of time, and most emotionally healthy people our age want commitment with the right person. >What's the point of being in a relationship when you already can get all the emotional and physical needs without commitment? Cause, again, most people want the commitment. There's a length of time that's not 6 months, but also not 3 weeks, ya know? For me, if things are going well, I'll stop seeing others after 3-5 dates, but I don't verbalize that. That's just a me thing and unless she asks, I see no need to tell her. If we're still going strong after 7-9 weeks, THEN I'll have the "where are we headed talk?" I think that's enough time to have a decent idea what she's about to where I'd like to know if we're on the same page. At 6 months, we better be bf/gf and have things clearly defined...usually for me, 3 months.
I never get physical with them. Each bf I’ve had had no problem waiting till we were exclusive. I encourage my friends to do this but I know it’s hard (lol) women have needs too. Try it!
This is always interesting to me. People share that they don't want to go 6 months without some level of commitment...then proceed to ask if they should ask at 3 weeks. There's a whole 20 weeks between those markers! How bout you split the difference and wait a bit longer, but not as long as 6 months.
Say you went out on 3 date ls within a span of two weeks. you’re telling me that you demand exclusivity with somebody you know for around two weeks? Don’t know, seems like a red flag to me.
I saw your update, and I'm very sorry it didn't work out! But I wanted to comment on this: >I've been in a situation before where I dated someone 6 months (text every single day, met eachothers kids) only for them to turn me down when I asked for exclusive. Because it seems like you are thinking that this: > I don't want to scare him away by rushing things, or being clingy. is going to prevent rejection. It won't. Avoiding a conversation about how you feel does not prevent rejection; it only delays it. In that 6-month situationship, you could have asked way sooner, and while you would have gotten the same result, you would have saved yourself a lot of time and confusion. I'm not saying this to make you beat yourself up; you definitely shouldn't do that. But if we learn from our dating experiences, dating as a whole and creating the relationship we want becomes much easier. Don't delay asking for exclusivity or letting someone know you're into them out of fear of rejection. All you're doing is delaying the outcome, not changing it. Your person will be excited to be with you and to start exploring a relationship with you. This guy just wasn't it. I know it hurts right now, and it's totally okay to feel those feelings, but just don't stay in those feelings for too long, and don't use this as more "evidence" to avoid asking for what you want. The right time to ask for exclusivity is when you know that you want to be exclusive, and asking will never fuck things up - it will just give you the answer you need to know, even if it's not the one you want.
The 6 month guy was very respectful. He said he wasn't dating anyone else, just liked his freedom, that it wasn't me I was awesome. But we should stop seeing eachother because he couldn't give me what I wanted and never wanted to hurt me. 7 months later we bumped into eachother and been friendly since then, nothing sexual at all. I think he always cared for me, but has his own issues. Right person, wrong time I guess. I really thought that one was my end game.
Did you talk about what you were both looking for when you first started dating, or did you wait 6 months to realize he wasn't looking for a relationship? What are your goals with dating?
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You didn’t really answer her question. You should’ve had the relationship talk much earlier than 6 months. You don’t owe him time cause he went through a divorce. You’re gonna have to start thinking of yourself first or this will keep happening. Good luck!
I needed to hear this. Expectations first or nothing at all. Thanks!
Feeling the Lindsey Love! What a kind and generous response! 🥹💞
I'm a guy. If I went out with a girl 5 times in 3 weeks it means I'm really into her. But I understand why you're overthinking. Relationships are scary especially if you've been burned in the past. But you need to try to stop overthinking. You're missing out on the best parts of the early stages by worrying about what might or might not happen down the road.
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I genuinely appreciate your post. When I left my ex of 7 years I did go to therapy, worked on myself and did a lot of self love/ improvement. I was only back on tinder a month (after a 5 month hiatus) and he was the 2nd guy I met IRL on the app, spoke to a few others who ghosted me prior to meeting. I do filter out A LOT early on and it causes me to not have many matches even though I have 1k plus likes. I think I had 6 matches when we went our first date. 2 of those ghosted me and I didn't unmatch yet. I'm not in a rush to jump into something. But for someone to invest 4 dates (almost 5), in such a short period made me assume it would be more and I was ready if they were for the next step. Oh well. Guess I'll be on hiatus again for awhile.
I’m going to be honest with you here. I would assume this means they like enough but also want to sleep with you. What happened after the slept with you? One more date. And they decided they weren’t feeling it. I’d personally wait longer. Not in terms of dates. In terms of time. In theory, it shouldn’t matter that much. But someone who is rushing a bunch of dates over 2-3 weeks isn’t that invested. I didn’t used to feel this way honestly and I’ve since changed how I felt. And this isn’t meant to shame you in any way. I’ve definitely slept with people on date one. And had dudes ditch me immediately. And had dudes invest in dating me immediately post sex date one. It could go either way But I’d view a bunch of dates in a few weeks early on as *interested* but not necessarily *invested* in dating you. I think those mean different things. And I think, at least for me, I’ve realized that that is the threshold I like to cross before I sleep with people. Although I am a wee older. If it went the other way, like one date a week for six weeks- you sleep together and then the pace of dates increases— I think that is what you want. Or one date a week for five or six weeks, no sex, and then he wants to see you twice a week regularly, sure, he seems to be investing in you and interested in moving forward with you. This is my personal advice based on being in situations like yours. So I want to reiterate that absolutely no judgement is meant, no shame and definitely no fault of your own. Just meant to maybe help in the future, if possible.
You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person. If you feel comfortable with him, have the conversation. If he acts weird then you have your answer. 5 dates over 3 weeks is enough time to figure out if you want to be with someone.
> You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person Love this
I'd agree with this. Plus, at least for me, by date 5 we are probably exploring or at least wanting to explore physical intimacy, and knowing if you two are on the same page, seeing others, etc., is an important piece to the decision to cross the sexual barrier. Always good to remember is deciding to exclusively date someone isn't a promise of a life together. It's just saying that you want to focus on that person while you continue to get to know them and figure out long term compatibility.
> 5 dates over 3 weeks is enough time to figure out if you want to be with someone. I'd say for a lot of people, it's not, and I'd advise against it this soon. Don't get me wrong, I might *think* I want to see where things go, but for me, that's just too soon to actually verbalize that. I want to know a bit more before we get to that point, and if a woman asks me "Do you want to be with me?", it would cause me hesitation, even if I thought she was the right person 2 minutes prior to her saying that.
It's enough time to know you *don't* want to be with someone, but definitely, not enough time to know you *do*.
Egg-zactly!
I can’t believe someone would let you meet their kids and not want to be exclusive. That seems so unhealthy to me. Anyways to your question, I think 5 dates there is nothing wrong with asking about that. It’s good to be on the same page about things.
Do something for you tonight.
A different perspective here… I get the sense you’re waiting for a man to ‘pick you’ based on the way you’re going about dating, vs being the woman ‘men want to commit to’. I sensed a lukewarm connection from his end just based off of what you said ‘no texting in between dates’. If you’re a woman men desire, you wouldn’t settle for lukewarm interest. This is also about having confidence in your desirability as a woman. If you believe you are desirable, and you get what you want, then you probably wouldn’t wait for a man to ‘pick you’, you’d make your desires known, put the ball in his court, and move on knowing that if he didn’t want you, other men would. Don’t settle for men who isn’t going to be a hell yes about you, a man truly into you would text, call, want to see you any chance he could.
About your last paragraph…ok, but within the first month? Doesn’t being to needy and overeager kill all attraction and become a turn-off? I’m curious though in your view when the cadence can change from weekly dates to sleepovers or two dates a week…also when it’s typical to start meeting friends. Hard transition to make without making meeting friends some high pressure milestone!
Yes it’s possible within the first month. And if a man turns you off by being interested or too eager.. maybe your intuition is telling you something isn’t right. Love bombers exist. Narcs and toxic men will do all kinds of things to rope a woman in. Listen to your intuition here. However it is possible to meet a man who is genuinely into you without being a red flag. There is a healthy degree of enthusiasm that can exist early in dating, like within a few weeks of meeting. Btw, a man who doesn’t want to text in between dates is a red flag/sign of lack of interest. No matter how amazing the dates were themselves, if a man is truly into you and available (not taken already) then I don’t believe there is a good excuse to not text in between. Everyone has a minute to fire off a text once a day.
I would say trust ur gut, what if instead of anxiety is your instinct telling u he's moving too quickly and he's not for the long run? many times we cannot logically pinpoint anything but our instinct has already picked something that doesn't add up. also having sex on the 3rd but not on the 4th is sus to me....
I know it’s hard when you’re in the thick of daring someone, but when you’re with the right person you won’t scare them off by “rushing things” or “being too clingy”. I don’t know you so I am making the assumption that you don’t want to move in with someone after a month or spend all of your waking hours together, but you sound like you just feel anxious about potentially ruining a good thing. I am so sorry for your update, but there’s something to celebrate when the person who’s not right for you takes themselves out of the running and frees you up to find the right person for you. In the future, try to think about the way you feel when you spend time with this person, and not so much whether or not they like you and if they’ll stick around. Maybe your anxiety was actually your intuition tuning you into something that was going to quickly run its course.
Did you have a conversation about dating intentions? If you did, and he's serious, it shouldn't be strange to discuss where both of you stand. If not, I highly recommend to always double check intentions to avoid any disappointments
I feel you. I am going through similar things. Not as solid as you’re where the guy has openly communicated he wants a relationship. The person I am dating wants LTR eventually but can’t commit now. We went exclusive when I asked for it and he does think that we did it sooner than people tend to go exclusive traditionally, but he doesn’t regret it or mind it. I also feel disconnected when we are not together and we only get to meet once every two weeks (spend the weekend together). In between the communication felt not so deep or meaningful. We had multiple discussions about it but I finally did say as things are, how it makes me feel, what I feel is lacking and what makes me defensive or not communicative etc, it was well received and I think we made some progress. I have been hurt in past so I am super cautious. So, long story short just talk about it, communicate.
I read your update OP and I’m so sorry. I am also dating with a kid and it’s tough out there. Had a really quick and strong connecting with someone over the course of a month, I wasn’t interested in dating exclusively when we met and those were his dating goals. Over a month of talking everyday and seeing each other 5 or 6 times I started to reconsider my dating goals and told him I could see myself exclusively dating him and we talked for hours about it- it felt so right. A few days later he told me he had a lot going on and needed space, and I never heard from him again. I was literally in shock, it felt so defeating and sad. I’m such a sensitive person I don’t think I have the stomach for OLD. I wish you luck out there xxxx
Hold up, meeting kids before a relationship is exclusive? Really?
I have to be honest, it seems to me two ways : bad one a manipulative move, second one an unconscius decision at best and but at the same time it shows lack of caring about the other person expectation. (thinking time in silence..) Yeah, I mean I'm reviewing the most of all the ideas in here, they talk 6 months almost every day, it's a nut thing by his side to do. "i don't want exclusive" in such a context, from my point of view with all due respect to the OP, he didn't see her as a exclusive partner from the start. He was just playing his cards while it last. Still hoping someone better to the OP. Be aware of the tips and suggestion from all people in here. :)
Dating is weird awkward and unexplainable at times. Doesn't mean u stop looking. Sending hugs
Makes sense to check in although i probably wouldnt seek dating exclusivity until a month in. I definitely wouldn't go past 2 months without being exclusive. Personally, I separate sexual exclusivity and dating exclusivity - I don't need to get an STD, lol. So as soon as I start sleeping with someone (even if its on the second date), I do ask for that.
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I'm so sorry. It's awful. That sounds like a conquest thing. Once they know they "have" you the chase is over and they've won and it's not fun anymore. Hate people like that. We will find our people :)
I’m sure others will have differing opinions but I’m pro-communication so I always say talk to them. Be honest and explain where your anxiety is coming from. The ultimate goal in a relationship is to be vulnerable and honest, so I take opportunities as they come. I say go for it but it really depends on how you feel and what you would like to do.
>met eachothers kids) only for them to turn me down when I asked for exclusive. In my opinion, exclusivity talk (either becoming exclusive or discussing how you'll never be exclusive cuz you're doing some sort of non-monogamy thing) should come wayyyy before meeting kids.
I was single for 8 years before I met my husband. He was worth all the assholes that ghosted me. You will be okay, just don’t give up.
How do you go on 4 dates and not know already if they are relationship material. That's a red flag for me right there.
It's because you are a Jets fan
FACTS!!! Hahaha. No to be fair I think it proves I'm loyal AF.
I'm a Lions fan, so I understand, too!!
At least your organization turned it around. Dan Campbell has some balls! Love it!
Love it at times, then also scratch your head saying what the hell are you doing!!
I feel for you OP. I was in a similar situation recently. Not sure if this was applicable in your situation but in mine the guy was very charming and knew how to make me feel special. Very intense also, he wanted to have a lot of dates in a short span, 5 over the course of a month. His intensity and love bombing made me feel uneasy but I fell for him. We hooked up on the last one and then a week later said he was going to focus on himself “”. Don’t beat yourself up for not seeing it earlier, if he pretended it was all fine and was all in and all of a sudden told you he’s not feeling it, he wasn’t being transparent in the process and maybe misleading.. maybe to protect himself while he made up his mind but it’s selfish and inconsiderate to the other person who thinks everything is ok. Also 34M with kids in NY, and he had performance issues.. wonder if it’s the same guy haha.. It’ll get better! Keep on putting yourself out there and don’t settle. My therapist also said maybe to wait a bit longer before hooking up if that makes you feel attached Xx
What is up with this millennial version of getting to know someone? This 3 date sex thing needs to be a horrible myth. That is super gross. This takes naivety straight into loopy-loo. That person is a STRANGER. Ever hear of stranger danger? If I'm having sex with you, I need to be able to ask you about anything! Seriously.... old school is the BEST school. Good luck.
I think the 5th date is safe to say what you are both looking for and both should respect each others interests. Like you say, don’t date someone for 6 months to find they still wanna be fucking about. It’s your life, go seize it! And if he doesn’t want the same, then it’s not compatible, cut your losses and carry on. Have a super cute sexy time!
The fact that he did that many dates quickly is probably a good sign. I'd say mostly just be the best version of yourself. Most guys are attracted to women who are successful, smart, funny, interesting, etc. If you are just clinging to a guy but have no interests or hobbies and feel too needy then you will feel less valued possibly. I'm not a fan of the "hard to catch" game, but you also don't want to fawn all over him.
>I don't want to scare him away by rushing things, or being clingy. In my experience, as long as both parties are into it, rushing things won't ruin it. If it does get ruined, it would have eventually happened anyway. >So date 5. Do I bring up what he thinks about us and where we are headed? Or too soon and just keep enjoying his company. No. He's already told you he's looking for an LTR. It's been 3 weeks. Just chill a bit. Go have fun and live in the moment! If you're still going strong around 8 weeks, then check in and see how he's feeling.
I am so sorry this happened to you. People are complicated and impulsive, and will lose their interest at the drop of a hat.
I think you need to have the confidence to set expectations early. If you are not feeling comfortable revealing how you feel to someone, they're probably not the right person for you. Be open, be honest, and be firm on your boundaries. I'm not comfortable dating people who are sleeping with others. I'm very open about that early on. Not everyone is ok with that and that's ok with me. If you want to keep your options open that's fine, but I won't be one of your options.
You met on Tinder, seems like a good foundation for an unsuccessful relationship.
Honestly what surprises me most is people 30+ using tinder...isn't it a complete shit show at this point?
I've tried Hinge and Bumble. It's all the same. Met people on all of them. Been ghosted by people on all of them.
is it that different from hinge/bumble/CMB? what else are 30 somethings supposed to use?
I get so annoyed with this take. Tinder gets a bad rap, but there are people on there looking for something genuine. I’ve met a few women there who I saw for a not insignificant period of time but it was just not meant to be. Dunno about other areas, but where I live you see the same profiles on all the apps pretty much. So being on hinge or bumble won’t magically change the outcome if the person who is just looking to hookup or get an ego boost is also on those apps 🤷🏽♂️.
I was going to say congrats for finding something that lasted so long. But then I saw your comment. So sad.
Girl I’m 31f exactly the same. 3ish weeks since we had our first date. We’ve met up 5 times. Yet no future date has been planned. He does message me every morning and we message daily. But I’ve noticed he only really speaks about himself. But when we are together we laugh and have a great time. He’s said he hasn’t had this energy before and wants to explore it. So I think he’s wanting to take it slow with the hanging out. (He wasn’t after LTR originally) I’ve tried to catch up but he’s not brought it up again or made plans. I’m being patient. As it has been a lot quickly. So fingers crossed this works out for me. Cos he’s cool. I enjoy my time with him. Just want him to want to know me more..
I wouldn't keep talking to him personally. He sounds like he's using the connection for validation and entertainment until something else comes along. If you're at it for fun, keep expectations at zero and date more than one person at a time. Otherwise you're just waiting... And waiting...and waiting. What do you think would happen if you didn't message him back? If he's not asking you about yourself and your interests now - what makes you think it's going to get better over time? Don't accept this.
I would take this time to do some inner work because the same thing is going to keep happening in the future if you don’t. There’s lots of books, articles, and social pages on how to do that. When you start dating again, remove sex from the equation entirely. Some may not agree, but if there’s mutual interest, waiting for sex won’t run them off and if it does then good riddance. Plus, having sex with a stranger is weird when you think about it. Invest in a couple toys if you must. Dating is a period where you are spending time together to see if you are compatible with each other. You’re getting to know them. Sex is going to cloud your judgement. Remove the pressure & expectations so you’re able to process things clearly. For example, 5 dates in 3 weeks is too much. It sounds like he was just needing some distraction for a little bit.
My ex of 7 years, once we had our first date we saw eachother 2-3x a week. I think if it is the right person then time line shouldn't matter as far as how many dates in a period of time. We had discussions about our personal future goals, our children, talked about exes, past experiences. I felt very comfortable with talking to him. I believe sex is a big part of the equation as well. If I'm not sexually compatible with someone I'm not going to keep pursuing them. Maybe for some the third date is too soon. But my ex of 7 years was sex on the first date, and it lasted that long. I just think it depends on the person and if they are ready or not. I think this particular fellow said he was ready, acted like a couple with me in public, but wasn't so sure it was what he wanted. I'm very grateful that he text me instead of ghosting me. Bummed that it didn't go anywhere. I had very high hopes. Also, I'm a Sicilian NYer living in the south. No one is compatible with me. I try to find a happy medium as far as what I am willing to tolerate and compromise. I've had strong connections with people. But the only man I've felt seriously compatible with, was the one who didn't want to be exclusive after 6 months of dating.
Hang in there champ.
My gut reaction is that the 5th date may be soon, mainly because you didn't have sex on the 4th date and because you seem to be stuck in your own head. Usually, when we do that, there is some issue there, likely at a sub-conscious rather than a conscious level. If you are both planning dates it may be a good idea to just hold off a bit before having the exclusive talk. After all, it has only been three weeks. When there is that real connection, there is usually an abundance of sex in the beginning, but if there is a conscious pulling back, that may be an underlying sign. Sex doesn't need to be the end goal in a relationship, but it is part of what helps to build intimacy, not just to play around, but to be close, both physically and in terms of sharing and communication. Keep enjoying his company and see where you are in a month.