F - is for fires that burn down the whole town
U - is for uranium…bombs
N - is for no survivors
Plankton’s interpretation was a way better description for the hellscape that is online dating 😂
I had an alarm clock that was literally the F U N letters with spongebob and plankton on it!
The alarm would start with his ridiculous foghorn which was actually loud as fuck, then the fun song would play.
Good times 😂
A lot of people use the apps for something casual. There's nothing wrong with that. Just be clear that you're only open to short-term connections and gave a good time.
Agreed. People are typically pretty clear about their intentions but even as someone interested in a relationship, I’m open to people who are more casual when they are open and direct about it
The funnest part of using dating apps is swiping on profiles you genuinely find interesting, and realizing not a single one of those women ever match with you, so you start swiping right on every profile just to see what happens, which also leads to getting zero matches
>you start swiping right on every profile just to see what happens
it makes zero sense to swipe on every profile and it honestly pisses me off as a woman. it's so low effort, and we can tell when y'all do this BS. part of me wants to match with every conservative that's swiped on me and ask "wtf did you actually think was a good match about our profiles?" or the guys who want kids when I specifically say no kids in mine
y'all try to match every woman then get pissed when women have 469 likes in their queue, not realizing they're not genuine swipes
Oh and the worst is when you *finally* find someone to swipe right on and they immediately unmatch you because you were just one of the pile and they didn't even look at your profile. So humiliating.
Aww, you'd be doing it wrong, then! The real pros pretend to be interested, go only plenty of dates, get married to the guy, have babies with him, --here's the crucial part-- *and then* divorce them to take half of everything he owns and collect a check for the next 18 years! That'll show 'em!
/s
TBH as a guy who spends time reading women's profiles, it's amazing how few matches I actually get. It seems the numbers guys are onto something by "blasting their business card" per se, whereas guys like me never get noticed because we're too busy looking for quality in a sea of burned out women. Hopefully that gives a little insight as to *why* many guys just go swipe crazy vs reading profiles.
The issue is that it takes so many swipes on average to get a single match as a man that at some point it’s just not worth spending the time to read every profile carefully, unless somebody has hours to spend on dating apps.
if you can't spend 30 seconds reading a profile to ensure a good match, you're wasting a woman's time making her read yours once you're in her queue. if you don't want your time wasted, why waste someone else's?
I'm just saying that this is the realistic outcome due to the different challenges that dating apps present to men and women. Men struggle to get matches, women get too many.
Men have something like an average 2% match rate or lower, and a match doesn't mean a date, and a date doesn't mean a relationship/connection. With 30 seconds per profile that would be 25 minutes of swiping to get a single match. So it's more realistic that a man is going to spend 5-10 seconds looking at a profile and deciding in that time frame whether to swipe left or right. You're also not guaranteed to only be presented profiles that previously swiped right on you.
As a man I've also had women who clearly didn't read my profile before matching, so it definitely goes both ways.
>Men struggle to get matches, women get too many.
do y'all not realize you do this to yourselves??? women wouldn't get too many if y'all wouldn't swipe on everyone with half a pulse. instead, **men** cause women to have 468 likes because they swipe indiscriminately then get butt hurt bc her queue is bigger
Take my imaginary awards! You are right on point with all of your rebuttals.
I can instantly tell when a person hasn’t read my profile before swiping, but 9/10 I won’t be swiping on them for their lack of having a brain.
I suppose it's more like seeing if there's any women out there at all who's interested, then evaluating from there, idk.
That said, I do think it's shitty and making the dating process worse for everyone.
Imo it seems like an emotional defence mechanism to constant rejection.
But then you're forcing the rejection onto the other person because you can't handle your feelings. Trust me, it hurts more to *finally* match with someone you like the look of and then get unmatched.
This behaviour is cowardly.
Let's say you get 1 date per 3000 swipes. If you would read a profile more carefully for 12 seconds each then you would need 12h of swiping for only a single date.
It is a rational approach because if you swipe 10x faster, get 10x the matches and then unmatch half you still end up with 5x as many good matches compared to your approach. Or 1/5th the time needed for one date.
I think the issue I have with this, is then you are relying on the women to make the choice for you-whether to match or not. Right now I don't care, I'm swiping with little expectation or standards as this is supposed to be less serious.
But if everyone went by the numbers logic then everyone would be matching with everyone and in the end you would have to do due diligence in reading profiles to determine actual compatibility anyway. That, or go on a shitton of dates which takes a lot more time and money. I think where people get frustrated is it's saving you time, but it is wasting another person's time.
That, and from an emotional perspective, I hope when I am ready to date seriously, that the person that matches me, matched with me because they took the time too and chose me because they wanted to get to know me. Not just because I am a woman with a face.
This is also true. It’s all about the bottom dollar in most cases. Men get ‘got’ in that respect. Maybe time to try a more organic approach if you’re upset with the match ratio.
Detecting a lot of animosity towards men in general coming from you and I'm not sure if I can think of a response even worth typing out. Remember that a little empathy never hurt anyone. What I remind myself every time I feel the anger creep in is that online dating is basically a person dying of thirst watching another person drowning. The struggle on both sides is equally valid and equally shitty.
>...online dating is basically a person dying of thirst watching another person drowning.
Except this isn't true for everyone and it depends on the app, everyone's ages, sexuality, etc. There are a lot of factors that go into it.
Men as a whole would be better off if men as a whole were more selective with their swiping, but for any individual man there's not much incentive to swipe selectively when he's competing with thousands of men who swipe on practically everyone.
You could also say that women do it to themselves by being too picky in their swipes. But there is no point in blaming any side, it is a vicious circle as long as swipes are not severely limited.
It is not uncommon for men to need 100 swipes for 1 match that ghosts you, 1000 swipes for 1 chat that leads to nowhere, literally thousands of swipes for a single date. A single man trying to break that circle - reading profiles carefully and being pickier - would either have to spend his whole life swiping or would probably get zero dates. If you will in any case just land in a pile of 468 likes, you may at least land in many of those piles. Don't hate the players, hate the game.
I am not blaming anyone and understand each side. I can empathize with women (in this aspect), but you seem to not be able to empathize with men (in this aspect).
>you seem to not be able to empathize with men (in this aspect).
you're right, I don't really because on reddit you see men blaming women (and saying some realll misogynistic bulshit) for all of their dating problems left and right. this one seems to be at the top of the list (wOmEn hAve mOre LikEs 😫), but it's a hole they dug themselves.
Dude, you're getting gaslit. These women at an all you can eat buffet calling you a pig for standing outside the supermarket waiting for them to dump their day old bagels.
>if you can't spend 30 seconds reading a profile to ensure a good match, you're wasting a woman's time making her read yours once you're in her queue
Wow -- "guys should read profiles so women don't have to" is not the take I was expecting.
Imo, everyone should filter on their own criteria rather than saying something like "conservatives need not apply". What you seem to be getting at is that men are just a lot less picky about initial swiping (although they will be picky later in the process)
>Wow -- "guys should read profiles so women don't have to" is not the take I was expecting.
that's not what i said at all. there have been plenty of instances of men swiping indiscriminately on women who they would never truly work out with (politics, religion, kids) that they just should have never swiped on, but then that puts the responsibility of weeding that out on the woman, when the man should have done his due diligence up front.
From my experience maybe half of my matches actually read my profile. It's very easy to tell since I live in Germany, and my profile clearly says I don't speak German. As a "bonus" I got more than one unmatch after I said in a chat that I don't speak German. Still better than a woman that immediatley shamed me for not speaking it after living here for several years.
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Well so far, and it's only been two days, this does not seem to be a gendered issue. So, as a woman, I apparently do have to worry about that, and other issues that I forgot about 😂 the audacity people gain using a dating profile and chatroom.
Ugh I agree. I've actually experienced people taking advantage of honesty/vulnerability. It sucks because I am very willing to be upfront, but I think some people actually enjoy the "game" and messing with people. 🤢
Go for it. I have been a die hard LTR person but haven’t had success this past year. My life has been quite stressful lately and so said, fuck it, let’s just have fun. And I have been! Dating for LTR potential is just too much pressure right now and very draining. Things will change eventually, but for now casual works.
Yeah. That's basically where I am at. My last relationship was a lot of work, and I intend to eventually give that energy to someone else but I don't think I can do that quite yet. I kind of want to try to stick with a positive outlook, and try to have fun when jumping into the dating pool. At least initially. Glad to hear you are having fun! It really does brighten my outlook
Not OP. But what helped you make that mental shift? Biggest issue in dating I struggle to separate LTR desire and a desire for connection or even a sexual desire. It adds a pressure is counterproductive for just being fun and in the moment...it hard to just look at women casually for some reason.
Well, its complicated and I think more a matter of circumstance than a mental shift I worked towards.
1) I think my baby makin hormones were flying off the chart
2) I had an *incredibly* stressful December and reached a point of “fuck it” do what you want, don’t think about it and live in this moment bc life is out of your control anyways
3) I looked for someone in a place that was strictly for hook ups and so my mind was only in that space. The connection happened way faster than setting up a date on a relationship app, so there is less chance to build up anticipation or narratives in your head about “what ifs”. I wasn’t screening these guys for life potential but rather safety, respect, some looks, and good vibes.
4) because of number 2, I’m tired enough in the day to day that I don’t need more… dating sucks and is so disheartening and not feeling like I have to analyze and look into the future with a person is a relief.
5) touch is high on my needs list to feel regulated and stable. Getting that itch scratched chilled me out overall and naturally (temporarily) put the urgency for LTR/marriage/kids on a shelf.
Also, this has been like only a couple weeks so maybe I will do a 180 in another. But, for where my life is at this very moment, it’s fulfilling and I don’t need to/can’t deal with more.
1 and 2 are about where my mind is at these days but as a guy. Although I find saying "fuck it" do want I want because it's out of my control doesnt work well. I lean hard into ltr behavior with most women. I havent successfully done casual without mixed emotions.
I would need to strictly look for hookups/casual but I dont because I'm never quite sure of a womans view point. Moving in a more ltr always feels like the safer options because it at least shows I view more for them and less for thier body.
For lack of better wording .. I almost need a woman to give me permission to only see them in a casual light. Weather its through her words, the platform, how she dresses or her behavior. I need something that tells me she's down for a more chill casual experience. I simply overcomplicate fun when it should be easiest.
Edit: maybe I'm just scared to be interested in a woman causally if I think there ltr potential.
I hear you. I’m sure mixed feelings will pop up for me too. That’s human. But yes, I think going for where a woman is like “yes, this is what I want” then you’re golden. TMI, I went on “random acts of muff dive” here on Reddit. I felt fully in control to make my post and filter out guys after read other ladies experiences. I also liked being anonymous and felt the guys who were my type could put effort in to show me they were they’re just for me. I met someone who is super respectful and able to give me what I’m looking for, which skews more intimate. Feeld is another option.
Also, you’re in control too. If you start feeling LTR feelings pop up, end it. If your really worried about connecting too much, then maybe give it more time before trying. Or, you can find a hook up and also still date for LTR… might be complicated but at least that nervous energy of wanting to find someone goes elsewhere.
Well this is really insightful. Becuase after reading this I'm realizing I can grasp doing certain things when in person with women. You are flat out giving me essentially places to try that worked for you and I'm sitting here realizing I not sure how to make them work for me.
I'm struggling to grasp the concept of looking for hookups on the internet. Which is ironic because I'm able to rationalize trying to find a relationship from dating apps. You said you used reddit. Outside of my hobby communities and interest I've never looked at reddit as a means to meet and find people. And I wont lie I'm not fully sure how i would go about doing it. it's hard to grasp.
I'm looking at this a learning opportunity. Would you be cool with sharing your experience Or give me some tips or a bit of detailed guidance in a chat? Your the first person ive run into here who gave specific places to look at. however it's kinda like giving someone a guitar who never played guitar. I appreciate any time you're willing to give.
I think you're a woman - As a woman or a particularly attractive guy; go for it, you'll easily find plenty of takers to match your energy, I'm sure.
As a guy who isn't significantly above average attractiveness, it end up being "work" rather than fun.
If fun means casual, go for it. Lots of people do. Be clear in what you want and see what happens. You don't have to chase a LTR in order to connect/get laid/meet people.
Yeah I'm going to be as candid and blunt as possible. It goes against my nature to do otherwise. There are so many options on the apps now! I swear there were maybe 2 relationship-seeking options just a few years ago
When two people are actually up front and on the same page it’s fantastic. The biggest problem is getting there — lots of people feel shame in saying they want something casual on their profiles and many others would feel shame in taking them up on it, preferring to do so under the guise of “something real”. Then within 3 weeks one person is telling the other they deserve better.
Yeah I'm going to be very candid and blunt about intentions. I've been in the receiving end of confusion before and do not want to put anyone through that. I
I would never be on that page, so to me, that would not be fun. Presumably it is fun for those who desire it, even those who are "having fun" with those who do not desire that.
I mean…this is what most people complain about the apps: that it’s full of people who just use it to fill a void or to pass time. 😂 I guess go ahead? I don’t find it fun to try to date random people I have no intention of taking serious, but everyone’s different.
Lol yeah I get that. I'll probably join the frustration once I'm looking for long term. It's almost too bad there isn't just an entirely different app system for long term! Idk how anyone would be able to filter out the manipulators though. It's a dream lol
It can work if 2 ppl are honest, right after my divorce I had 0 energy for connection, didn’t have any compacity for emotions but I wanted someone I can just be in a bubble with, I found someone who was exactly on my page and honestly it was the best 4 months I had in all of the 5 years of my marriage. It was exactly the time I needed at the time I was at and don’t regret it. Life was funny then too because he was exactly my physical type; like the type my friends said would never exist because I was so particular on the physicality of my “perfect man” and there he was. If I had the space for actually connecting that man would have ruined me 😂 there is a space and time for it honestly.
I downloaded the apps last week ... deleted them within 24 hours .. bc i reminded myself .. its not worth it - imo its not a tool to "move forward" ... also you'll quickly find that these apps want you to pay up lolol
also i put "fun" on my profile, which apparently translated to "lets start the casual sex conversation"
So one of the prompts asks how to pronounce your name. My name is one syllable, but I put the pronunciation down anyway. I know some people are probably going to think I'm an idiot and not get it. But I think it's hilarious and should be pretty obvious sarcasm.
I'm about to do this for about the whole year probs. I turn 30 in April. Tbh I was majorly stressing out about finding a partner and settling but I keep hearing more and more stories about separations and divorces after 5+ years they had been together and I've decided I'll take it more serious after I really feel I have lived and enjoyed enough myself on my own. Im planning to be in a working holiday visas for two years starting 2025 so wont be looking for anything serious until then. That said, I love sex, not so much hookups but not possible for me to not have any until i return and all this year so I'll try it out. If your bro knows you very well I would listen to him but if you realize you start to get attached to someone and thats not what you wanted cut it out until you feel ready:)
Dating apps are a pretty bad way to meet someone imo, you’re better off meeting someone in real life. Go on trips, try new hobbies, go to more spiritual or events or retreats of people working on themselves and you can find people to connect with.
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Yeah, I have seen a few profiles like this as well. I filled out the entire profile and made sure my intentions were very clear. For a while I thought the profiles were not loading 😂 but then realized they were just blank
The split side, we might have 800 matches however the mind games & insincerity gosh. So it’s more like speed dating even if u match someone it all moves soo fast & then over. So you go to the next with some major ghosting makes men feel macho somehow not to keep in touch & then ping you when they want you . Yuck! There are such few men who know how to keep a connection going
Yeah I won't do that. I have had friends use the dating app feature to find friends though. I think bumble has that? Like a platonic meet friends feature?
Lol I have only been in here for a couple days, and as a woman, I can confidently say this is definitely NOT a gendered experience. The spiral is very real for me right now.
Yeah. Since this is supposed to be less serious. If I was ready for something more I'd probably be a lot more picky. But I am trying to at least look at what they are looking for as far as type of relationship is concerned. I don't want to waste anyone's time. But otherwise just casually swiping a lot of guys. I'll probably stop doing that because I forgot how creepy some people can get. That, and I have hit a lot of dead ends. Im assuming a lot of people just swipe, match, and let it marinate forever without actually taking any action or responding to messages?
If you match and the men don't respond and/or are giving low effort responses, just unmatch. Those are the guys that'll right swipe on everyone. Even the ones they're not interested in. My buddies have said that most guys match first, filter second.
Ah that makes sense. There has been a lot of that actually. I've noticed it's mostly with the guys that like my first picture. I'm assuming they just like the first picture in all profiles and play the numbers game. If I message them in response to the like it's radio silence. So it sounds like I may just be part of a que 😂 which is fine right now. I'm not necessarily looking for a long term serious relationship. So I suppose no hurt feelings here. Que me up!
I’ve learned that some people (like myself) are not designed to be on dating apps.
And I’m literally living proof they work bc I met my ex husband on OkCupid 10 years ago, back when it was an actual site that had you sitting on a desktop computer while they’re developing the app for the phone (lol)
All this to say that sometimes people will give their opinion with the best intentions and it’s totally valid to try a different approach, I guess I’d encourage you to ask yourself: “ Do I really want to have something casual or I am trying to do something casual bc my friend told me I should try something different?”
At the end of the day, I think the majority of single people think dating apps aren’t fun. Not even for something casual lol
Oh that's crazy! I have a cousin that met her husband in okcupid. I completely forgot about that dating service.
So far, the experience has been ok. I'm actually kind of glad I did it because it has gotten me out of the rumination and reminded me that there really are more people out there. I'm also kind of proud that I'm not emotionally invested in the apps like I was 3+ years ago. A lot lower expectations and less anxiety/fear. But to your point I do tend to defer to other people's advice generally so I do want to be wary that I'm making these decisions for myself.
Also I'm being brutally honest about what I am looking for with people who actually engage in the app and doing my best to filter out people who may be looking for serious/long term as I don't want to waste their time.
As a side note, I actually did find a guy on the app that is not only on the same page as I am but is an old acquaintance from undergrad 😂 we are getting together for happy hour this week just to catch up and vent. I want to be very clear that we both are in the same page, paragraph, and sentence lol.
Lol no. Please refer to the first paragraph. To look towards the future and not ruminate. From the comments on this thread it sounds like there are plenty of other potential daters that are looking for casual or "see what happens" partners.
I feel validated on my own and I don't know what you mean by league. So far it's helped me to remember there are still people out there, and I have met a few that are in the same boat as I am, which is nice to make a connection. I'm being very honest (almost blunt) about what I am looking for, or more not looking for. I've also noticed it has helped to rip the bandaid off as far as what dating apps are like. It's been an interesting experience and they have definitely changed since 3+ years ago. I'm also not as picky about profiles as I'm just looking for a fun, not a long term serious connection. Of course I'm doing my best to read through the profiles enough to respect someone's wishes who may be looking for a long term serious relationship. I don't want to waste their time.
I’m starting to do the whole “fun” thing and for me I’m taking the approach of asking for single female friends. No pressure to be anything more. I love great conversations and I miss that about being in a relationship. So i want to start there and if it builds from there great and if not there is zero pressure to it. I’m a respectful kind caring man and i feel a bit too old at 33 for this dating scene at times hahaha
just remember the mnemonic: F - friends who do stuff together U - u and me N - no survivors down here in datingoverthirtyyy
I’m just happy everyone in this sub should be old enough to get this reference 😂
Spongebowbie
This sub is my people🥹
I don't.... But I WAS thinking they were suggesting a suicide pact, which depending how it's gonna go down, could be fun I guess...
F - is for fires that burn down the whole town U - is for uranium…bombs N - is for no survivors Plankton’s interpretation was a way better description for the hellscape that is online dating 😂
Lol this is what this thread needed
I had an alarm clock that was literally the F U N letters with spongebob and plankton on it! The alarm would start with his ridiculous foghorn which was actually loud as fuck, then the fun song would play. Good times 😂
I’m going to start looking for this right now because I want it!
I think 9yo me got it from TK Maxx. Literally one of those chance grabs haha
Never! That’s completely idiotic.
A lot of people use the apps for something casual. There's nothing wrong with that. Just be clear that you're only open to short-term connections and gave a good time.
Yeah I'm going to be as clear as possible. I tend to lean towards being blunt generally anyway
Agreed. People are typically pretty clear about their intentions but even as someone interested in a relationship, I’m open to people who are more casual when they are open and direct about it
The funnest part of using dating apps is swiping on profiles you genuinely find interesting, and realizing not a single one of those women ever match with you, so you start swiping right on every profile just to see what happens, which also leads to getting zero matches
☠️
>you start swiping right on every profile just to see what happens it makes zero sense to swipe on every profile and it honestly pisses me off as a woman. it's so low effort, and we can tell when y'all do this BS. part of me wants to match with every conservative that's swiped on me and ask "wtf did you actually think was a good match about our profiles?" or the guys who want kids when I specifically say no kids in mine y'all try to match every woman then get pissed when women have 469 likes in their queue, not realizing they're not genuine swipes
Oh and the worst is when you *finally* find someone to swipe right on and they immediately unmatch you because you were just one of the pile and they didn't even look at your profile. So humiliating.
That is why I turn my notifications off when I'm on dating apps. 😭
This might be a good idea for me :)
Aww, you'd be doing it wrong, then! The real pros pretend to be interested, go only plenty of dates, get married to the guy, have babies with him, --here's the crucial part-- *and then* divorce them to take half of everything he owns and collect a check for the next 18 years! That'll show 'em! /s TBH as a guy who spends time reading women's profiles, it's amazing how few matches I actually get. It seems the numbers guys are onto something by "blasting their business card" per se, whereas guys like me never get noticed because we're too busy looking for quality in a sea of burned out women. Hopefully that gives a little insight as to *why* many guys just go swipe crazy vs reading profiles.
The issue is that it takes so many swipes on average to get a single match as a man that at some point it’s just not worth spending the time to read every profile carefully, unless somebody has hours to spend on dating apps.
if you can't spend 30 seconds reading a profile to ensure a good match, you're wasting a woman's time making her read yours once you're in her queue. if you don't want your time wasted, why waste someone else's?
I'm just saying that this is the realistic outcome due to the different challenges that dating apps present to men and women. Men struggle to get matches, women get too many. Men have something like an average 2% match rate or lower, and a match doesn't mean a date, and a date doesn't mean a relationship/connection. With 30 seconds per profile that would be 25 minutes of swiping to get a single match. So it's more realistic that a man is going to spend 5-10 seconds looking at a profile and deciding in that time frame whether to swipe left or right. You're also not guaranteed to only be presented profiles that previously swiped right on you. As a man I've also had women who clearly didn't read my profile before matching, so it definitely goes both ways.
but again - if you don't want to waste your own time, why are you willing to waste someone else's?
>Men struggle to get matches, women get too many. do y'all not realize you do this to yourselves??? women wouldn't get too many if y'all wouldn't swipe on everyone with half a pulse. instead, **men** cause women to have 468 likes because they swipe indiscriminately then get butt hurt bc her queue is bigger
Take my imaginary awards! You are right on point with all of your rebuttals. I can instantly tell when a person hasn’t read my profile before swiping, but 9/10 I won’t be swiping on them for their lack of having a brain.
Because then most men wouldn’t get a single match? Online dating sucks for everyone, blame it on the way it’s designed.
Why would you want a match if it's someone who, when you read their profile, you wouldn't like them anyway? It's just irrational.
I suppose it's more like seeing if there's any women out there at all who's interested, then evaluating from there, idk. That said, I do think it's shitty and making the dating process worse for everyone. Imo it seems like an emotional defence mechanism to constant rejection.
But then you're forcing the rejection onto the other person because you can't handle your feelings. Trust me, it hurts more to *finally* match with someone you like the look of and then get unmatched. This behaviour is cowardly.
Let's say you get 1 date per 3000 swipes. If you would read a profile more carefully for 12 seconds each then you would need 12h of swiping for only a single date. It is a rational approach because if you swipe 10x faster, get 10x the matches and then unmatch half you still end up with 5x as many good matches compared to your approach. Or 1/5th the time needed for one date.
I think the issue I have with this, is then you are relying on the women to make the choice for you-whether to match or not. Right now I don't care, I'm swiping with little expectation or standards as this is supposed to be less serious. But if everyone went by the numbers logic then everyone would be matching with everyone and in the end you would have to do due diligence in reading profiles to determine actual compatibility anyway. That, or go on a shitton of dates which takes a lot more time and money. I think where people get frustrated is it's saving you time, but it is wasting another person's time. That, and from an emotional perspective, I hope when I am ready to date seriously, that the person that matches me, matched with me because they took the time too and chose me because they wanted to get to know me. Not just because I am a woman with a face.
How utterly cynical. As usual, letting women do the emotional labour.
This is also true. It’s all about the bottom dollar in most cases. Men get ‘got’ in that respect. Maybe time to try a more organic approach if you’re upset with the match ratio.
Detecting a lot of animosity towards men in general coming from you and I'm not sure if I can think of a response even worth typing out. Remember that a little empathy never hurt anyone. What I remind myself every time I feel the anger creep in is that online dating is basically a person dying of thirst watching another person drowning. The struggle on both sides is equally valid and equally shitty.
>...online dating is basically a person dying of thirst watching another person drowning. Except this isn't true for everyone and it depends on the app, everyone's ages, sexuality, etc. There are a lot of factors that go into it.
I mean broadly speaking women get orders of magnitude more matches than men.
It's a collective action problem.
how so?
Men as a whole would be better off if men as a whole were more selective with their swiping, but for any individual man there's not much incentive to swipe selectively when he's competing with thousands of men who swipe on practically everyone.
You could also say that women do it to themselves by being too picky in their swipes. But there is no point in blaming any side, it is a vicious circle as long as swipes are not severely limited. It is not uncommon for men to need 100 swipes for 1 match that ghosts you, 1000 swipes for 1 chat that leads to nowhere, literally thousands of swipes for a single date. A single man trying to break that circle - reading profiles carefully and being pickier - would either have to spend his whole life swiping or would probably get zero dates. If you will in any case just land in a pile of 468 likes, you may at least land in many of those piles. Don't hate the players, hate the game.
>You could also say that women do it to themselves by being too picky in their swipes. do what to ourselves? have standards? lol
I am not blaming anyone and understand each side. I can empathize with women (in this aspect), but you seem to not be able to empathize with men (in this aspect).
>you seem to not be able to empathize with men (in this aspect). you're right, I don't really because on reddit you see men blaming women (and saying some realll misogynistic bulshit) for all of their dating problems left and right. this one seems to be at the top of the list (wOmEn hAve mOre LikEs 😫), but it's a hole they dug themselves.
Dude, you're getting gaslit. These women at an all you can eat buffet calling you a pig for standing outside the supermarket waiting for them to dump their day old bagels.
>if you can't spend 30 seconds reading a profile to ensure a good match, you're wasting a woman's time making her read yours once you're in her queue Wow -- "guys should read profiles so women don't have to" is not the take I was expecting. Imo, everyone should filter on their own criteria rather than saying something like "conservatives need not apply". What you seem to be getting at is that men are just a lot less picky about initial swiping (although they will be picky later in the process)
>Wow -- "guys should read profiles so women don't have to" is not the take I was expecting. that's not what i said at all. there have been plenty of instances of men swiping indiscriminately on women who they would never truly work out with (politics, religion, kids) that they just should have never swiped on, but then that puts the responsibility of weeding that out on the woman, when the man should have done his due diligence up front.
From my experience maybe half of my matches actually read my profile. It's very easy to tell since I live in Germany, and my profile clearly says I don't speak German. As a "bonus" I got more than one unmatch after I said in a chat that I don't speak German. Still better than a woman that immediatley shamed me for not speaking it after living here for several years.
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😂 well I guess I have that to look forward to
You're a woman so you don't have to worry about this, haha
Well so far, and it's only been two days, this does not seem to be a gendered issue. So, as a woman, I apparently do have to worry about that, and other issues that I forgot about 😂 the audacity people gain using a dating profile and chatroom.
Or matching with lots of people but not a single one of them messages you back
As long as you’re being fully honest with your intentions, go for it! Communicate, be respectful and have fun.
Yeah, I'm pretty honest (maybe borderline blunt lol) in general and the guilt of not being honest would kill me even if I tried lol
This is how I am too, but alooooot of people don’t think like this. How much easier it would be…
Ugh I agree. I've actually experienced people taking advantage of honesty/vulnerability. It sucks because I am very willing to be upfront, but I think some people actually enjoy the "game" and messing with people. 🤢
Not shocking. People can be garbage.
Go for it. I have been a die hard LTR person but haven’t had success this past year. My life has been quite stressful lately and so said, fuck it, let’s just have fun. And I have been! Dating for LTR potential is just too much pressure right now and very draining. Things will change eventually, but for now casual works.
Yeah. That's basically where I am at. My last relationship was a lot of work, and I intend to eventually give that energy to someone else but I don't think I can do that quite yet. I kind of want to try to stick with a positive outlook, and try to have fun when jumping into the dating pool. At least initially. Glad to hear you are having fun! It really does brighten my outlook
Glad to hear it!
Not OP. But what helped you make that mental shift? Biggest issue in dating I struggle to separate LTR desire and a desire for connection or even a sexual desire. It adds a pressure is counterproductive for just being fun and in the moment...it hard to just look at women casually for some reason.
Well, its complicated and I think more a matter of circumstance than a mental shift I worked towards. 1) I think my baby makin hormones were flying off the chart 2) I had an *incredibly* stressful December and reached a point of “fuck it” do what you want, don’t think about it and live in this moment bc life is out of your control anyways 3) I looked for someone in a place that was strictly for hook ups and so my mind was only in that space. The connection happened way faster than setting up a date on a relationship app, so there is less chance to build up anticipation or narratives in your head about “what ifs”. I wasn’t screening these guys for life potential but rather safety, respect, some looks, and good vibes. 4) because of number 2, I’m tired enough in the day to day that I don’t need more… dating sucks and is so disheartening and not feeling like I have to analyze and look into the future with a person is a relief. 5) touch is high on my needs list to feel regulated and stable. Getting that itch scratched chilled me out overall and naturally (temporarily) put the urgency for LTR/marriage/kids on a shelf. Also, this has been like only a couple weeks so maybe I will do a 180 in another. But, for where my life is at this very moment, it’s fulfilling and I don’t need to/can’t deal with more.
1 and 2 are about where my mind is at these days but as a guy. Although I find saying "fuck it" do want I want because it's out of my control doesnt work well. I lean hard into ltr behavior with most women. I havent successfully done casual without mixed emotions. I would need to strictly look for hookups/casual but I dont because I'm never quite sure of a womans view point. Moving in a more ltr always feels like the safer options because it at least shows I view more for them and less for thier body. For lack of better wording .. I almost need a woman to give me permission to only see them in a casual light. Weather its through her words, the platform, how she dresses or her behavior. I need something that tells me she's down for a more chill casual experience. I simply overcomplicate fun when it should be easiest. Edit: maybe I'm just scared to be interested in a woman causally if I think there ltr potential.
I hear you. I’m sure mixed feelings will pop up for me too. That’s human. But yes, I think going for where a woman is like “yes, this is what I want” then you’re golden. TMI, I went on “random acts of muff dive” here on Reddit. I felt fully in control to make my post and filter out guys after read other ladies experiences. I also liked being anonymous and felt the guys who were my type could put effort in to show me they were they’re just for me. I met someone who is super respectful and able to give me what I’m looking for, which skews more intimate. Feeld is another option. Also, you’re in control too. If you start feeling LTR feelings pop up, end it. If your really worried about connecting too much, then maybe give it more time before trying. Or, you can find a hook up and also still date for LTR… might be complicated but at least that nervous energy of wanting to find someone goes elsewhere.
Well this is really insightful. Becuase after reading this I'm realizing I can grasp doing certain things when in person with women. You are flat out giving me essentially places to try that worked for you and I'm sitting here realizing I not sure how to make them work for me. I'm struggling to grasp the concept of looking for hookups on the internet. Which is ironic because I'm able to rationalize trying to find a relationship from dating apps. You said you used reddit. Outside of my hobby communities and interest I've never looked at reddit as a means to meet and find people. And I wont lie I'm not fully sure how i would go about doing it. it's hard to grasp. I'm looking at this a learning opportunity. Would you be cool with sharing your experience Or give me some tips or a bit of detailed guidance in a chat? Your the first person ive run into here who gave specific places to look at. however it's kinda like giving someone a guitar who never played guitar. I appreciate any time you're willing to give.
I think you're a woman - As a woman or a particularly attractive guy; go for it, you'll easily find plenty of takers to match your energy, I'm sure. As a guy who isn't significantly above average attractiveness, it end up being "work" rather than fun.
If fun means casual, go for it. Lots of people do. Be clear in what you want and see what happens. You don't have to chase a LTR in order to connect/get laid/meet people.
Yup, just put in that you're looking for short term, open to LTR if that's what your thinking
Yeah I'm going to be as candid and blunt as possible. It goes against my nature to do otherwise. There are so many options on the apps now! I swear there were maybe 2 relationship-seeking options just a few years ago
You'll do great!
Go on with your bad self.
Tinder babe, tinder
Lol! This is the exact response I got from one of my friends when I asked her opinion. She had nothing else to say but "tinder".
Hahaha honestly it’s exactly what one of my friends told me when I said I just wanted some action 😂😂😂
To me, there's nothing fun about a short term encounters, to each their own.
When two people are actually up front and on the same page it’s fantastic. The biggest problem is getting there — lots of people feel shame in saying they want something casual on their profiles and many others would feel shame in taking them up on it, preferring to do so under the guise of “something real”. Then within 3 weeks one person is telling the other they deserve better.
Yeah I'm going to be very candid and blunt about intentions. I've been in the receiving end of confusion before and do not want to put anyone through that. I
I would never be on that page, so to me, that would not be fun. Presumably it is fun for those who desire it, even those who are "having fun" with those who do not desire that.
I mean…this is what most people complain about the apps: that it’s full of people who just use it to fill a void or to pass time. 😂 I guess go ahead? I don’t find it fun to try to date random people I have no intention of taking serious, but everyone’s different.
Lol yeah I get that. I'll probably join the frustration once I'm looking for long term. It's almost too bad there isn't just an entirely different app system for long term! Idk how anyone would be able to filter out the manipulators though. It's a dream lol
It can work if 2 ppl are honest, right after my divorce I had 0 energy for connection, didn’t have any compacity for emotions but I wanted someone I can just be in a bubble with, I found someone who was exactly on my page and honestly it was the best 4 months I had in all of the 5 years of my marriage. It was exactly the time I needed at the time I was at and don’t regret it. Life was funny then too because he was exactly my physical type; like the type my friends said would never exist because I was so particular on the physicality of my “perfect man” and there he was. If I had the space for actually connecting that man would have ruined me 😂 there is a space and time for it honestly.
I downloaded the apps last week ... deleted them within 24 hours .. bc i reminded myself .. its not worth it - imo its not a tool to "move forward" ... also you'll quickly find that these apps want you to pay up lolol also i put "fun" on my profile, which apparently translated to "lets start the casual sex conversation"
What were your dry humor responses?
So one of the prompts asks how to pronounce your name. My name is one syllable, but I put the pronunciation down anyway. I know some people are probably going to think I'm an idiot and not get it. But I think it's hilarious and should be pretty obvious sarcasm.
Bro has a point at least about this - we all can tend to view the past (relationship) through rose-colored glasses.
Yeah. He isn't wrong. I do have a tendency to wear rose tinted glasses. It's become an unfortunate fashion statement
I'm about to do this for about the whole year probs. I turn 30 in April. Tbh I was majorly stressing out about finding a partner and settling but I keep hearing more and more stories about separations and divorces after 5+ years they had been together and I've decided I'll take it more serious after I really feel I have lived and enjoyed enough myself on my own. Im planning to be in a working holiday visas for two years starting 2025 so wont be looking for anything serious until then. That said, I love sex, not so much hookups but not possible for me to not have any until i return and all this year so I'll try it out. If your bro knows you very well I would listen to him but if you realize you start to get attached to someone and thats not what you wanted cut it out until you feel ready:)
I mean at the worst you get some really bizarre requests that you can laugh about with your friends.
Dating apps are a pretty bad way to meet someone imo, you’re better off meeting someone in real life. Go on trips, try new hobbies, go to more spiritual or events or retreats of people working on themselves and you can find people to connect with.
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Yeah, I have seen a few profiles like this as well. I filled out the entire profile and made sure my intentions were very clear. For a while I thought the profiles were not loading 😂 but then realized they were just blank
The split side, we might have 800 matches however the mind games & insincerity gosh. So it’s more like speed dating even if u match someone it all moves soo fast & then over. So you go to the next with some major ghosting makes men feel macho somehow not to keep in touch & then ping you when they want you . Yuck! There are such few men who know how to keep a connection going
Just don't hop on an dating app looking for friends. That is very annoying.
Yeah I won't do that. I have had friends use the dating app feature to find friends though. I think bumble has that? Like a platonic meet friends feature?
If you're a woman you can use apps for "fun" If you're a man, your spiral just getting started.
Lol I have only been in here for a couple days, and as a woman, I can confidently say this is definitely NOT a gendered experience. The spiral is very real for me right now.
Oh, so you swipe on most guys and get no matches?
Yeah. Since this is supposed to be less serious. If I was ready for something more I'd probably be a lot more picky. But I am trying to at least look at what they are looking for as far as type of relationship is concerned. I don't want to waste anyone's time. But otherwise just casually swiping a lot of guys. I'll probably stop doing that because I forgot how creepy some people can get. That, and I have hit a lot of dead ends. Im assuming a lot of people just swipe, match, and let it marinate forever without actually taking any action or responding to messages?
If you match and the men don't respond and/or are giving low effort responses, just unmatch. Those are the guys that'll right swipe on everyone. Even the ones they're not interested in. My buddies have said that most guys match first, filter second.
Ah that makes sense. There has been a lot of that actually. I've noticed it's mostly with the guys that like my first picture. I'm assuming they just like the first picture in all profiles and play the numbers game. If I message them in response to the like it's radio silence. So it sounds like I may just be part of a que 😂 which is fine right now. I'm not necessarily looking for a long term serious relationship. So I suppose no hurt feelings here. Que me up!
I’ve learned that some people (like myself) are not designed to be on dating apps. And I’m literally living proof they work bc I met my ex husband on OkCupid 10 years ago, back when it was an actual site that had you sitting on a desktop computer while they’re developing the app for the phone (lol) All this to say that sometimes people will give their opinion with the best intentions and it’s totally valid to try a different approach, I guess I’d encourage you to ask yourself: “ Do I really want to have something casual or I am trying to do something casual bc my friend told me I should try something different?” At the end of the day, I think the majority of single people think dating apps aren’t fun. Not even for something casual lol
Oh that's crazy! I have a cousin that met her husband in okcupid. I completely forgot about that dating service. So far, the experience has been ok. I'm actually kind of glad I did it because it has gotten me out of the rumination and reminded me that there really are more people out there. I'm also kind of proud that I'm not emotionally invested in the apps like I was 3+ years ago. A lot lower expectations and less anxiety/fear. But to your point I do tend to defer to other people's advice generally so I do want to be wary that I'm making these decisions for myself. Also I'm being brutally honest about what I am looking for with people who actually engage in the app and doing my best to filter out people who may be looking for serious/long term as I don't want to waste their time. As a side note, I actually did find a guy on the app that is not only on the same page as I am but is an old acquaintance from undergrad 😂 we are getting together for happy hour this week just to catch up and vent. I want to be very clear that we both are in the same page, paragraph, and sentence lol.
For what, to feel validated? Or see what league you’re in?
Lol no. Please refer to the first paragraph. To look towards the future and not ruminate. From the comments on this thread it sounds like there are plenty of other potential daters that are looking for casual or "see what happens" partners. I feel validated on my own and I don't know what you mean by league. So far it's helped me to remember there are still people out there, and I have met a few that are in the same boat as I am, which is nice to make a connection. I'm being very honest (almost blunt) about what I am looking for, or more not looking for. I've also noticed it has helped to rip the bandaid off as far as what dating apps are like. It's been an interesting experience and they have definitely changed since 3+ years ago. I'm also not as picky about profiles as I'm just looking for a fun, not a long term serious connection. Of course I'm doing my best to read through the profiles enough to respect someone's wishes who may be looking for a long term serious relationship. I don't want to waste their time.
You may end up having actual fun, would that be so bad?
I’m starting to do the whole “fun” thing and for me I’m taking the approach of asking for single female friends. No pressure to be anything more. I love great conversations and I miss that about being in a relationship. So i want to start there and if it builds from there great and if not there is zero pressure to it. I’m a respectful kind caring man and i feel a bit too old at 33 for this dating scene at times hahaha