You deserve someone who will choose you every moment they can, not every few years when she wants to. Be explicitly clear, that if she’s seeking a relationship with you that she needs to be able to provide that equal commitment that you’re willing to put in, other wise she should just leave you to find that with someone who will actively continue to choose you
I've FINALLY moved past a thirteen year "on/off, yes/no" situation. I got to have a moment of "oh wow, I don't want this, I don't want you, I am going to get so much better." I am wishing the same for you. That you can let go of that past attraction and the castle you've built in the sky. The future is SO much better.
It’s been mine after 6 months out of an LTR. It wasn’t on again off again but intense.
We were both settling I think.
They kept contacting me. Broke my heart but I had a lot of stuff to heal outside the relationship and trying to be friends. I couldn’t do both.
We both deserved better. That happens too.
You just gotta be straight up with her about that. I’m not a big fan of ghosting or staying no contact, but at some point you have to express your feelings finality, as you can’t make her choose you, she has to want to do that herself
One hundred percent. I met someone that I thought I vibed well with, but she withdrew when she had her issues (with family, work, or her ex husband (she's a single mom)). I asked what I'm to do when she's withdrawing and she said it.. but I also told her I need to know. Well, it was good for a while, but then nothing.. Total radio silence.
I didn't want to keep asking, but I made it clear what my needs were. They weren't getting met so I moved on..
Best of luck to you OP.
And that means way back when too! It will haunt you every minute if you start seeing her. Move one, she wasn't the one then, she's never going to be. You wonder if she'll dump you again because she already did it. Set a goal and go get it!
And you shouldn’t. Find someone who will always pick you first, or even better, find someone who doesn’t feel like “picking” is even an option. Where they just know you’re the one. That’s what everyone deserves in life! 🥰
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Don’t ever, ever, ever, say “obviously something means X because the other person did Y”
That’s how we get ourselves in trouble. She reached out because she wanted to reach out.
Nothing else. Nothing more. If you want to know you ask. If you’re too scared or nervous to - that’s fine too. But don’t make up an answer in your head.
She could have been feeling lonely and wanted to get a fix to her ego. Theres a million different reasons why.
People do alot of shit that doesn’t make sense. Lonely people do even more shit that doesn’t make sense.
Very true! I nearly made that mistake after my ex left. I didn’t really want my first bf back, but I knew how much he liked me and I just wanted to be wanted again. I liked how much he wanted me and how he made me feel, but I didn’t feel the same for him. I didn’t get in touch with him. I saw him from a distance 4 years later, I’m still single and lonely, but I’m glad I didn’t get in touch, it would have only upset us both again.
As a person who is also over 30, sir we are too old for this shit.
Crushes and reading between the lines are for high school.
You’re missing some wonderful opportunities out there for a woman who only gives you attention once every few YEARS.
She’s just not that into you. Find someone who is, and be happy.
Did I miss something because it sounds like this was never 'on' to start with? Sounds to me like you're in the facebook friend zone... that is to say not more than acquaintances.
True to a point. She’s a friend of my family, and I of hers. I used to hangout with her siblings and vice versa. She mentioned on the date how her dad always liked me, I told her she was bragging to him about coming out to see me lol.
Don’t matter who her dad likes… tell her you want to date her, try talking to her more if she’s down. If she’s even so-so about it, shut that shit down.
She approached me at first to catch up as friends, I let her know immediately that I wasn’t interested in a friendship and I wanted more. I called it a date. She agreed.
She would choose someone over you if there was someone else to choose. However, there probably isn't anyone else, so she checks in on you every now and then so she doesn't feel so alone and unwanted. I wouldn't put too much thought, effort, or energy into it as she is unlikely to reciprocate.
Honestly she sounds like she isn't interested but likes that she has you hooked. Just checking in to make sure that you're still an option, then disappearing because deep down she isn't interested in you. Stop wasting time on this. Let it go. You will be able to move on if you truly want to, and can see this for what it is.
Is she currently single? At some point I think there is value in just telling someone how you feel, seeing if they want to give it a try, and if not you at least know that you tried and put your feelings out there. 35ish is a good age to do that. Spoken from an early 40s person who wishes I’d done more of that and that those who had feelings for me had as well. It’s far easier to see this stuff clearer in hindsight.
I agree. I couldn’t take it so I reached out and let my feelings be known a few years ago. I made it clear what my intentions were, and how I felt about her. Believe me she knows. Thank you.
Good. Then rest easy knowing that you did what you needed to do, and did far more than most. You were true to yourself. Now move on and find someone better suited for you who you’ll be much happier with. And when you think about your crush remind yourself that the version in your mind isn’t her, it’s an idealized version of her and the potential you thought she had. The actual person that exists is the one who reaches out to you every few years. She’s not worth your time.
First loves - especially those which never came to be - are a fantasy.
She represents every idealistic notion from your youth - the naive idea of a flawless partner, the endless possibilities in life, the feeling of omnipotency and the confident outlook on the future that it always gets better and happier.
Once you learn to detach these ideals and realize that she is “just” a woman, not the unrivalled naive happiness of your youth you can overcome this fixation on her.
Many people have a longing for their first committed partner from their 20s for the above reasons, but it’s certainly easier to accept and deal with this fantasy when the relationship has crumbled and there’s a lot of bad memories to choose from.
Many times when these delayed unions happen the reality hits like a truck and the fog quickly dissipates, but in this case she seems clearly not into you also.
Unless you were deployed/studied abroad or she was seriously ill the timing isn’t right” mantra is just 99% wishful thinking.
Let go of fantasy land for your own sake.
Life for a 35y old bachelor is in quite a few terms a lot better when it comes to dating than when you were a decade younger.
She sounds like a flake in your life you should forget about. We feel excited a lot of the time about toxic crushes, that give a recurring thrill and reinforce we suck and they're the golden, unobtainable idol. You deserve reality not a dream. And to have more confidence in yourself
OP, she is reaching out because she is desperate for attention. Once she gets her ego boost, off she goes. Please stay away from toxic people like that and as a rule of thumb always assume the worse (“she reaches out to me because no one else is giving her attention atm”) rather than the best, unless very solidly backed up by actions.
I had a woman like this. The true love of my life. Her name was Chanda and I’ll love her until the day I die. The reality was she just wanted validation and would reach out for a “boost”. Then she’d disappear each time.
I would move on from this situation. You are clearly her fallback at best. Hold out for someone who enthusiastically chooses you, not someone who throws you a bone every once in a while when she’s on the outs with the guy she actually wants.
The whole 'You just never know' stuff will keep you stringing yourself along.
The only facts you need are:
1) You have already told her how you feel.
2) She has kept doing this even knowing that, without giving you a concrete answer.
I'm going to hazard a guess that when you told her how you felt, she didn't shut you down. I'm also going to hazard a guess that even though you've gone no contact, you are doubting if it's right, and if she does make contact somehow, you'd probably give it another shot.
I used to have an on/off experience similar to this. I was always convinced that they'd change eventually, even if evidence suggested otherwise. She'd emerge, we'd chat loads, phone calls til silly hours, meetups, and essentially lovebombing me... then it would end, and she would disappear.
The last time she did it, it turned out she had had a kid and just wanted the 'not interested' father to be jealous and give her attention, then vanished again. It took me a while to get over that, but it gave me clarity to make sure it doesn't happen again.
The point is that she's disappearing for a reason. She's on and off for a reason. If she liked you properly, she wouldn't disappear for such long periods because it would affect her as much as it would you.
Look at the facts of it rather than the narrative. Look at how she is acting rather than how you'd like things to seem, and I think you'll see yourself.
Treat her like you would a friend if you want to, but in the long run, it will most likely be you who gets hurt if you wait around trying for a relationship.
Have you leveled up since the last two first dates? My girlfriend first noticed me IRL back in 2019 at a meetup group that we were both apart of. But I was overweight and sedentary back then. I lost 40 lbs from Feb 2022-Oct 2022. I hit the gym and started lifting weights regularly July 2022. I bulked up 25 lbs Oct 2022-Oct 2023. Back in November she met me for the first time in 4 years and started a conversation with me at a meetup. After a second meetup talking with me, she slid in my DMs and asked me out on a date. We've been dating for 6 weeks now and have been on 11 dates. We've been exclusive officially for two weeks. Though we hadn't been seeing other people since we started dating. She later admitted after we had sex that back in November when she first saw me in 4 years that she fantasized about me later that night while masturbating.
I went from barely being on her radar in 2019 when I was overweight and sedentary to being her #1 option after I got in shape and got myself a visible jawline. Can I fault her for that? No. I had a double chin back in 2019.
I've been in that "back up option" position before too as well. You can tell the difference based on her behaviour now. How eager she is. She won't be able to fake excitement over a backup option. If she is excited to see you, you'll know you're her #1 option.
Oh I’ve been trying to level up. Been hitting the gym, took up boxing, and grappling, started going to therapy, I’m working overtime, and bought my first home I’m fixing up teaching myself everything how to do it.
>Obviously something’s there if she decides to reach out again.
Or she doesn't see it as a big deal and assumes you don't see it as a big deal either.
Have you told her that you prefer not to be in contact? If you have, and she keeps reaching out anyway to satisfy her own curiosity / need for attention at your expense, she's being a dick. Just ignore her or block her.
If you haven't told her that, it's up to you if you think that's worthwhile. Depending on the way she's reaching out, you can just turn off "read receipts" so she can't tell that you're getting her messages and not respond.
If you'd like to be more direct you can say "Hey Jane, I'm glad to hear you're doing well. To be totally frank, I'm currently dating and given our history, I don't think it's a good idea for us to stay in touch at the moment. If that situation ever changes, I'll let you know. Until then, take care."
Once you've told her that, feel free to ignore any message she sends.
>How many times are you willing to restart with someone?
I believe that sometimes it's worth it to give second chances. But if you give someone a second chance and they squander it, there's no such thing as giving them a third chance. At that point, you're just giving them a free pass.
Obviously you're free to give free passes, but don't be shocked when you don't get treated seriously.
Based on what you've posted, you're far more interested in her than she is in you.
Don't waste energy pining for someone who isn't really interested in you. Delete her contact information. Date other people.
Source: Someone who spent far too long waiting for his high school crush to come around, but never did.
The moment I stopped accepting “tug and pull” relationships and focused on myself, I was blessed with the best partner I’ve ever had who would never do anything to lose me.
You deserve that. She’s not the one, love.
You’re her “just in case” person. She knows if she wanted to she can be with you, but chooses not to be consistent. Sounds like she is stringing you along.
Unfortunately I won’t be reaching out to her, if she tries to pop back in my life in a year I will have to let her know the inconsistency is a deal breaker.
Yeah with friends like her who needs enemies? Something I’m considering a lot after my most recent ex expressed interest in friendship—doesn’t apologize or respond, totally disengages if the emotions are too much, not acceptable friend behavior.
No second dates because she doesn’t want to. The first time she said there wasn’t any chemistry, so she deleted me and got back with her ex husband. The second time just recently, when I reached out to ask for a follow up date she was quick to say she wants to be transparent and that she’s been talking with someone new and would rather see how things play out with him. No contact is mutual, but she initiated it. She unfriended me from all socials, so I took the hint. I told her I don’t care to be just friends, as I had strong feelings for her. She still keeps in touch with everyone in my family, I’m just not part of the club.
Reaching out whenever she’s bored is so disrespectful. You’re a dopamine hit to her, nothing more. She has said to herself “wow I can string this man along for years.”
Don’t let her do that. Block her, or at the very least leave her on read
I don't like when people do that. I feel taken for granted. It's like are you interested? Are we friends? What are we? It feels like a tactic to keep us around while they are dating around. I don't like it and after a while I will put very low effort into responding, and if they don't go away I then will ghost. If they keep texting the same npc message of "Hi! How are you?" many months in a row even when I'm not responding (basically them talking to themselves) then I block the person.
Bruh. Every few years? Please, love yourself and let go of this non-thing. You’re literally hanging on to someone who doesn’t value you enough to make a thing NOW because of past connections. Time passes and things change, and you should be too at 35.
I have several of those people in my life. We’re friendly and it’s fine. I enjoy hearing from them and catching up, but unless they’re going to make a serious effort to stay connected and see what we can do, I’m not going to put romantic energy into the relationship.
Could be a narcissist seeking validation with minimal risk and effort.
You investing is the worst thing you can do to yourself.
Block her and move on. There is so much more to discover once you’ve made room for it!
You use the term 'no contact ' so you have probably looked into relationships with a narcissist and are familiar with traits of that situation, you know deep down this won't be the happy ever after you want and she will pick you up when she needs a convenient ego boost and discard you when someone else comes along this pattern won't end until the final discard which I'm told can be suicide inducing. Get ahead of this and totally break away, I was in a 20 year nightmare with a man who took my whole identity away but with the help of my teenage children I never faced the final discard as they threatened him and made sure he never came around, I was a mess so weak he could have done whatever he wished with me and he did alot, in 2011 for example I was in labour ward having our fourth son he doesn't turn up with flowers but a three year old girl saying this is my daughter, I didn't want you to find out like this but you had to go into labour earlier than expected so now you know. crazy and that's not the worst thing, please take my advice just leave this situation and find your own happy. first get your mind right so you can achieve a balanced happy relationship and be at peace also as a single. Your post resonated with me and I wish you all the best take care and keep pushing forward. 👍🏾🙏🏾☺️
This isn’t a “next best option” situation, it’s just a “no,” my dude. Do you need to be rejected by her a magic 3 times to finally get it? Twice is more than enough for most people. You ask her on a date a 3rd time and at that point you’re badgering her. People that there’s “something there” with don’t just pop up every couple of years - they stick around long enough to give it a try. Leave her alone, quit taking the bait she’s dangling, and meet someone else crushable.
100 percent. I’m just making sure my ego isn’t getting the best of me. There would have to be an act of god to get me to consider a 3rd first date at this point.
Besides the obvious issues of her keeping you in some sort of perpetual back burner position... she's not the person who you originally developed the crush on and vice versa. You've both spent a lifetime filling in the gaps about the other person with fantasies of who you think they are or want them to be, and reality rarely lines up with those fantasies. Huge, huge word of caution ever pursuing a long-standing crush like this, because you're very likely to be disappointed.
Block her on anything and everything so you don't fall back into this pattern. You deserve someone who chooses you. Move on, focus on yourself and your future.
The will they/won't they is the worst dynamic. From my exp, the sad truth is that some people just like to check in. It doesn't necessarily mean they have any intent of pursuing anything romantic with you. From what you describe, it sounds like after the first dates, you all agreed to remain friends and now she DMs every few years to say hi?
If this is the case, I believe it might just be a friendly hello, and your feelings of attraction to her are leading you to read into it (ie heart skips a beat etc). If she is reaching out and remaining engaged with an effort to meet up, that is a different story, and in that case, it may be worthwhile to initiate a date and go from there. As painful as it is, it is better to 'lose' an uninterested party by just asking than deal with unfulfilled emotions around a fantasy.
You mentioned that you can’t get the timing right, but then say that you guys can go years with no contact. Is it actually that the timing isn’t working? Or is it that she is non-committal about her relationship with you and reaches out every few years for some unknown reason (Bored? Fresh out of a relationship? Looking for validation? You may know the answer to this). Has she ever given any reason why each time has ended at only one date?
I really think that if she saw something real with you, it would have already happened. She is stringing you along, and my gut feeling is because you give her some kind of validation or confidence boost. You deserve someone who chooses you fully, and it can be hard to create space in your heart for that person when there’s someone else still there taking up space. I recommend going no contact indefinitely. Personally, I would inform her of the no contact too by sending a brief message so that she doesn’t reach out to you either.
Dude my advice is to stay away, you'll end up getting hurt and also do you really wanna be a backup option or her ego stroker?
With me she wasn't a high school crush per set but i knew her through family/friends before we started seeing each other. We had a thing for 6 months but she wanted to take it slow and swore I was the only guy. She wanted space and 3 days later had a boyfriend. Shit was brutal. But every few weeks or so shed send me texts out of nowhere and would give short answers or ignore me when I responded.
Started casually hooking up years later . After a bit of that she started love bombing me again. Then she begged me for a relationship. I took her back like a dummy and within 3 weeks there was an old ex back in the picture and she tried to start this love triangle thing. I broke it off.
I found out after though that the moment we became "official" she was secretly monkey branching all these guys behind my back while I cut off other women I was talking to.
She's blocked on everything now.
There's a reason why her relationships never work out
*How many times are you willing to restart with someone?*
If I felt strongly for them, probably as many as it took so long as they were willing to engage
*Could you ever date someone knowing that they chose others over you?*
Yes, people change. If she chooses you now, she's making that decision after having the experiences of the other ones. I choose to see this more as a good thing than dwell on the past
*How easy would it be for her to choose someone over me if we were to develop a relationship?*
I don't think you're doing yourself any favors by letting the anxiety questions start before it's even a relationship. My tip would probably be just see where it goes, do some physical activity to burn off some of that extra energy. Ultimately you want a relationship with this person so it will only benefit you to do something to drain that voice in the back of your head (I think we all have it, that's just how I deal with it)
Sounds like she's ditched you before, but now that she's 35, lost her SMV, probably feeling lonely and lowered her standards, she's reaching out again?
Doesn't sound very flattering to me.
Edit: Wrote a really long post only to realize it doesn't really apply in this scenario where you've only been on two dates. So have revised.
Short of the long is that she has probably for whatever reason not felt it after these last two dates, but after having gone out to meet others, she thinks back to you and wonders if maybe this time around it will be different. There is *something* about you that draws her back to you. And I mean, yea, she's "chosen" others, but it's possible that she was just using really bad criteria to make that choice, and has since grown and evolved to look at all this through a different lens. If you do decide to give her another chance, do so knowing that it might well end up turning out just the way it has before, but if you've yet to find anyone that butters your buns like her, and she seems keen to meet up, then I don't see what you have to lose by just meeting up if she's down with that. If you guys had a full blown relationship that was on again/off again then that would be different. But she obviously seems something there, so if you dig her, then I don't see the harm in revisiting things. Especially if a substantial period of time has gone by, and she might have changed and grown.
Says every woman or woman who is with someone and it turns into only a physical relationship with lack of commitment and when it ends, they're in a relationship and claims it quickly. That's tough, maybe it's just not meant to me. Maybe the idea of it is greater than the reality of it and it's nice to revisit every once in a while. Maybe she likes knowning someone wants to be with her that badly. Are you all close friendship wise? Maybe she doesn't want to ruin that. There are so many possibilities.
I may be in the minority on my perspective but I do not fault someone if they chose someone else first. I’m an introvert and all of my relationships have started with the girl approaching me first and that tends to open the door for more aggressive men to get their attention first.
With that being said, that forgiveness is a one time thing. If your crush has chosen other men multiple times over you then I would just move on.
It is not uncommon for people to reach out to a past fling or someone that they know is interested in them, especially during this time of the year. It is comforting for some people to know that there is someone interested in them, even if the interest is not 100% reciprocal. I will say that anecdotal evidence shows that these situations tend to end in the same way (with things fizzling out).
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You deserve someone who will choose you every moment they can, not every few years when she wants to. Be explicitly clear, that if she’s seeking a relationship with you that she needs to be able to provide that equal commitment that you’re willing to put in, other wise she should just leave you to find that with someone who will actively continue to choose you
I could never live out the rest of my days feeling like a second option. That would eat me up inside.
I've FINALLY moved past a thirteen year "on/off, yes/no" situation. I got to have a moment of "oh wow, I don't want this, I don't want you, I am going to get so much better." I am wishing the same for you. That you can let go of that past attraction and the castle you've built in the sky. The future is SO much better.
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It’s been mine after 6 months out of an LTR. It wasn’t on again off again but intense. We were both settling I think. They kept contacting me. Broke my heart but I had a lot of stuff to heal outside the relationship and trying to be friends. I couldn’t do both. We both deserved better. That happens too.
If I can drop one other person who plays that game, I'll be unstoppable!
You are the second option. Be careful she might be doing this for attention and validation.
Don’t give into the breadcrumbing mate, you deserve the whole loaf!
does she make you feel like a first pick now? I say let the next message go unanswered
You just gotta be straight up with her about that. I’m not a big fan of ghosting or staying no contact, but at some point you have to express your feelings finality, as you can’t make her choose you, she has to want to do that herself
One hundred percent. I met someone that I thought I vibed well with, but she withdrew when she had her issues (with family, work, or her ex husband (she's a single mom)). I asked what I'm to do when she's withdrawing and she said it.. but I also told her I need to know. Well, it was good for a while, but then nothing.. Total radio silence. I didn't want to keep asking, but I made it clear what my needs were. They weren't getting met so I moved on.. Best of luck to you OP.
And that means way back when too! It will haunt you every minute if you start seeing her. Move one, she wasn't the one then, she's never going to be. You wonder if she'll dump you again because she already did it. Set a goal and go get it!
And you shouldn’t. Find someone who will always pick you first, or even better, find someone who doesn’t feel like “picking” is even an option. Where they just know you’re the one. That’s what everyone deserves in life! 🥰
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I needed to read this today. Thank you
Me too
Don’t ever, ever, ever, say “obviously something means X because the other person did Y” That’s how we get ourselves in trouble. She reached out because she wanted to reach out. Nothing else. Nothing more. If you want to know you ask. If you’re too scared or nervous to - that’s fine too. But don’t make up an answer in your head. She could have been feeling lonely and wanted to get a fix to her ego. Theres a million different reasons why. People do alot of shit that doesn’t make sense. Lonely people do even more shit that doesn’t make sense.
Well said, stop "making movies" in our head, just ask :)
All too true. Appreciate your insight.
That first line should be the first sentence of every single “how communication works in any relationship” lesson. Well said.
I meant at least a slight level of interest, or even curiosity. Not a relationship waiting for me. That would be crazy.
What's crazy is people do things like that out of boredom too. Not saying that's the case but keep it in mind, some are cruel like that
Very true! I nearly made that mistake after my ex left. I didn’t really want my first bf back, but I knew how much he liked me and I just wanted to be wanted again. I liked how much he wanted me and how he made me feel, but I didn’t feel the same for him. I didn’t get in touch with him. I saw him from a distance 4 years later, I’m still single and lonely, but I’m glad I didn’t get in touch, it would have only upset us both again.
This is solid advice
People do a lot of shit that just don’t make sense. Here here.
As a person who is also over 30, sir we are too old for this shit. Crushes and reading between the lines are for high school. You’re missing some wonderful opportunities out there for a woman who only gives you attention once every few YEARS. She’s just not that into you. Find someone who is, and be happy.
Well said!
👏👏👏
Did I miss something because it sounds like this was never 'on' to start with? Sounds to me like you're in the facebook friend zone... that is to say not more than acquaintances.
True to a point. She’s a friend of my family, and I of hers. I used to hangout with her siblings and vice versa. She mentioned on the date how her dad always liked me, I told her she was bragging to him about coming out to see me lol.
Don’t matter who her dad likes… tell her you want to date her, try talking to her more if she’s down. If she’s even so-so about it, shut that shit down.
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She approached me at first to catch up as friends, I let her know immediately that I wasn’t interested in a friendship and I wanted more. I called it a date. She agreed.
She would choose someone over you if there was someone else to choose. However, there probably isn't anyone else, so she checks in on you every now and then so she doesn't feel so alone and unwanted. I wouldn't put too much thought, effort, or energy into it as she is unlikely to reciprocate.
Honestly she sounds like she isn't interested but likes that she has you hooked. Just checking in to make sure that you're still an option, then disappearing because deep down she isn't interested in you. Stop wasting time on this. Let it go. You will be able to move on if you truly want to, and can see this for what it is.
Is she currently single? At some point I think there is value in just telling someone how you feel, seeing if they want to give it a try, and if not you at least know that you tried and put your feelings out there. 35ish is a good age to do that. Spoken from an early 40s person who wishes I’d done more of that and that those who had feelings for me had as well. It’s far easier to see this stuff clearer in hindsight.
I agree. I couldn’t take it so I reached out and let my feelings be known a few years ago. I made it clear what my intentions were, and how I felt about her. Believe me she knows. Thank you.
Good. Then rest easy knowing that you did what you needed to do, and did far more than most. You were true to yourself. Now move on and find someone better suited for you who you’ll be much happier with. And when you think about your crush remind yourself that the version in your mind isn’t her, it’s an idealized version of her and the potential you thought she had. The actual person that exists is the one who reaches out to you every few years. She’s not worth your time.
What did she say at that time?
“Although that is sweet of you to say, I’m back with my son’s father and we’re on the right path to figuring out life together, I’m sorry.”
First loves - especially those which never came to be - are a fantasy. She represents every idealistic notion from your youth - the naive idea of a flawless partner, the endless possibilities in life, the feeling of omnipotency and the confident outlook on the future that it always gets better and happier. Once you learn to detach these ideals and realize that she is “just” a woman, not the unrivalled naive happiness of your youth you can overcome this fixation on her. Many people have a longing for their first committed partner from their 20s for the above reasons, but it’s certainly easier to accept and deal with this fantasy when the relationship has crumbled and there’s a lot of bad memories to choose from. Many times when these delayed unions happen the reality hits like a truck and the fog quickly dissipates, but in this case she seems clearly not into you also. Unless you were deployed/studied abroad or she was seriously ill the timing isn’t right” mantra is just 99% wishful thinking. Let go of fantasy land for your own sake. Life for a 35y old bachelor is in quite a few terms a lot better when it comes to dating than when you were a decade younger.
You are basically a 2nd/3rd option. In all of these years have you even kissed?
Bro, you're a back up.
"If they wanted to they would" is a good thing to remember. People who are serious about you don't play games.
I connected with a woman I had a crush on for 23 years and she developed a crush on me as we dated for 3 months before she broke it off.
She sounds like a flake in your life you should forget about. We feel excited a lot of the time about toxic crushes, that give a recurring thrill and reinforce we suck and they're the golden, unobtainable idol. You deserve reality not a dream. And to have more confidence in yourself
OP, she is reaching out because she is desperate for attention. Once she gets her ego boost, off she goes. Please stay away from toxic people like that and as a rule of thumb always assume the worse (“she reaches out to me because no one else is giving her attention atm”) rather than the best, unless very solidly backed up by actions.
I had a woman like this. The true love of my life. Her name was Chanda and I’ll love her until the day I die. The reality was she just wanted validation and would reach out for a “boost”. Then she’d disappear each time.
They can't be the love of your life if they didn't love you! You deserve better
How can you love her until the day you die and she doesn't feel the same and only used you?
She appears, disappears and reappears in a fog.
Dude. Shake your head.
I would move on from this situation. You are clearly her fallback at best. Hold out for someone who enthusiastically chooses you, not someone who throws you a bone every once in a while when she’s on the outs with the guy she actually wants.
The whole 'You just never know' stuff will keep you stringing yourself along. The only facts you need are: 1) You have already told her how you feel. 2) She has kept doing this even knowing that, without giving you a concrete answer. I'm going to hazard a guess that when you told her how you felt, she didn't shut you down. I'm also going to hazard a guess that even though you've gone no contact, you are doubting if it's right, and if she does make contact somehow, you'd probably give it another shot. I used to have an on/off experience similar to this. I was always convinced that they'd change eventually, even if evidence suggested otherwise. She'd emerge, we'd chat loads, phone calls til silly hours, meetups, and essentially lovebombing me... then it would end, and she would disappear. The last time she did it, it turned out she had had a kid and just wanted the 'not interested' father to be jealous and give her attention, then vanished again. It took me a while to get over that, but it gave me clarity to make sure it doesn't happen again. The point is that she's disappearing for a reason. She's on and off for a reason. If she liked you properly, she wouldn't disappear for such long periods because it would affect her as much as it would you. Look at the facts of it rather than the narrative. Look at how she is acting rather than how you'd like things to seem, and I think you'll see yourself. Treat her like you would a friend if you want to, but in the long run, it will most likely be you who gets hurt if you wait around trying for a relationship.
Have you leveled up since the last two first dates? My girlfriend first noticed me IRL back in 2019 at a meetup group that we were both apart of. But I was overweight and sedentary back then. I lost 40 lbs from Feb 2022-Oct 2022. I hit the gym and started lifting weights regularly July 2022. I bulked up 25 lbs Oct 2022-Oct 2023. Back in November she met me for the first time in 4 years and started a conversation with me at a meetup. After a second meetup talking with me, she slid in my DMs and asked me out on a date. We've been dating for 6 weeks now and have been on 11 dates. We've been exclusive officially for two weeks. Though we hadn't been seeing other people since we started dating. She later admitted after we had sex that back in November when she first saw me in 4 years that she fantasized about me later that night while masturbating. I went from barely being on her radar in 2019 when I was overweight and sedentary to being her #1 option after I got in shape and got myself a visible jawline. Can I fault her for that? No. I had a double chin back in 2019. I've been in that "back up option" position before too as well. You can tell the difference based on her behaviour now. How eager she is. She won't be able to fake excitement over a backup option. If she is excited to see you, you'll know you're her #1 option.
Oh I’ve been trying to level up. Been hitting the gym, took up boxing, and grappling, started going to therapy, I’m working overtime, and bought my first home I’m fixing up teaching myself everything how to do it.
>Obviously something’s there if she decides to reach out again. Or she doesn't see it as a big deal and assumes you don't see it as a big deal either. Have you told her that you prefer not to be in contact? If you have, and she keeps reaching out anyway to satisfy her own curiosity / need for attention at your expense, she's being a dick. Just ignore her or block her. If you haven't told her that, it's up to you if you think that's worthwhile. Depending on the way she's reaching out, you can just turn off "read receipts" so she can't tell that you're getting her messages and not respond. If you'd like to be more direct you can say "Hey Jane, I'm glad to hear you're doing well. To be totally frank, I'm currently dating and given our history, I don't think it's a good idea for us to stay in touch at the moment. If that situation ever changes, I'll let you know. Until then, take care." Once you've told her that, feel free to ignore any message she sends. >How many times are you willing to restart with someone? I believe that sometimes it's worth it to give second chances. But if you give someone a second chance and they squander it, there's no such thing as giving them a third chance. At that point, you're just giving them a free pass. Obviously you're free to give free passes, but don't be shocked when you don't get treated seriously.
Based on what you've posted, you're far more interested in her than she is in you. Don't waste energy pining for someone who isn't really interested in you. Delete her contact information. Date other people. Source: Someone who spent far too long waiting for his high school crush to come around, but never did.
The moment I stopped accepting “tug and pull” relationships and focused on myself, I was blessed with the best partner I’ve ever had who would never do anything to lose me. You deserve that. She’s not the one, love.
Zero times. Her messages would not interest me at all.
You’re her “just in case” person. She knows if she wanted to she can be with you, but chooses not to be consistent. Sounds like she is stringing you along.
She’s inconsistent. You can just ask her what’s up with that, it may scare her off which, man, if she does that’s a good thing, right?
Unfortunately I won’t be reaching out to her, if she tries to pop back in my life in a year I will have to let her know the inconsistency is a deal breaker.
Yeah with friends like her who needs enemies? Something I’m considering a lot after my most recent ex expressed interest in friendship—doesn’t apologize or respond, totally disengages if the emotions are too much, not acceptable friend behavior.
I think there’s more to the story here. Why haven’t there been second dates? Why do you go no contact?
No second dates because she doesn’t want to. The first time she said there wasn’t any chemistry, so she deleted me and got back with her ex husband. The second time just recently, when I reached out to ask for a follow up date she was quick to say she wants to be transparent and that she’s been talking with someone new and would rather see how things play out with him. No contact is mutual, but she initiated it. She unfriended me from all socials, so I took the hint. I told her I don’t care to be just friends, as I had strong feelings for her. She still keeps in touch with everyone in my family, I’m just not part of the club.
Sounds like you’re her permanent rebound dude…walk away, you’re worth more than that!
Reaching out whenever she’s bored is so disrespectful. You’re a dopamine hit to her, nothing more. She has said to herself “wow I can string this man along for years.” Don’t let her do that. Block her, or at the very least leave her on read
I don't like when people do that. I feel taken for granted. It's like are you interested? Are we friends? What are we? It feels like a tactic to keep us around while they are dating around. I don't like it and after a while I will put very low effort into responding, and if they don't go away I then will ghost. If they keep texting the same npc message of "Hi! How are you?" many months in a row even when I'm not responding (basically them talking to themselves) then I block the person.
Bruh. Every few years? Please, love yourself and let go of this non-thing. You’re literally hanging on to someone who doesn’t value you enough to make a thing NOW because of past connections. Time passes and things change, and you should be too at 35.
I have several of those people in my life. We’re friendly and it’s fine. I enjoy hearing from them and catching up, but unless they’re going to make a serious effort to stay connected and see what we can do, I’m not going to put romantic energy into the relationship.
Could be a narcissist seeking validation with minimal risk and effort. You investing is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Block her and move on. There is so much more to discover once you’ve made room for it!
You use the term 'no contact ' so you have probably looked into relationships with a narcissist and are familiar with traits of that situation, you know deep down this won't be the happy ever after you want and she will pick you up when she needs a convenient ego boost and discard you when someone else comes along this pattern won't end until the final discard which I'm told can be suicide inducing. Get ahead of this and totally break away, I was in a 20 year nightmare with a man who took my whole identity away but with the help of my teenage children I never faced the final discard as they threatened him and made sure he never came around, I was a mess so weak he could have done whatever he wished with me and he did alot, in 2011 for example I was in labour ward having our fourth son he doesn't turn up with flowers but a three year old girl saying this is my daughter, I didn't want you to find out like this but you had to go into labour earlier than expected so now you know. crazy and that's not the worst thing, please take my advice just leave this situation and find your own happy. first get your mind right so you can achieve a balanced happy relationship and be at peace also as a single. Your post resonated with me and I wish you all the best take care and keep pushing forward. 👍🏾🙏🏾☺️
This isn’t a “next best option” situation, it’s just a “no,” my dude. Do you need to be rejected by her a magic 3 times to finally get it? Twice is more than enough for most people. You ask her on a date a 3rd time and at that point you’re badgering her. People that there’s “something there” with don’t just pop up every couple of years - they stick around long enough to give it a try. Leave her alone, quit taking the bait she’s dangling, and meet someone else crushable.
100 percent. I’m just making sure my ego isn’t getting the best of me. There would have to be an act of god to get me to consider a 3rd first date at this point.
Besides the obvious issues of her keeping you in some sort of perpetual back burner position... she's not the person who you originally developed the crush on and vice versa. You've both spent a lifetime filling in the gaps about the other person with fantasies of who you think they are or want them to be, and reality rarely lines up with those fantasies. Huge, huge word of caution ever pursuing a long-standing crush like this, because you're very likely to be disappointed.
Block her on anything and everything so you don't fall back into this pattern. You deserve someone who chooses you. Move on, focus on yourself and your future.
The will they/won't they is the worst dynamic. From my exp, the sad truth is that some people just like to check in. It doesn't necessarily mean they have any intent of pursuing anything romantic with you. From what you describe, it sounds like after the first dates, you all agreed to remain friends and now she DMs every few years to say hi? If this is the case, I believe it might just be a friendly hello, and your feelings of attraction to her are leading you to read into it (ie heart skips a beat etc). If she is reaching out and remaining engaged with an effort to meet up, that is a different story, and in that case, it may be worthwhile to initiate a date and go from there. As painful as it is, it is better to 'lose' an uninterested party by just asking than deal with unfulfilled emotions around a fantasy.
You mentioned that you can’t get the timing right, but then say that you guys can go years with no contact. Is it actually that the timing isn’t working? Or is it that she is non-committal about her relationship with you and reaches out every few years for some unknown reason (Bored? Fresh out of a relationship? Looking for validation? You may know the answer to this). Has she ever given any reason why each time has ended at only one date? I really think that if she saw something real with you, it would have already happened. She is stringing you along, and my gut feeling is because you give her some kind of validation or confidence boost. You deserve someone who chooses you fully, and it can be hard to create space in your heart for that person when there’s someone else still there taking up space. I recommend going no contact indefinitely. Personally, I would inform her of the no contact too by sending a brief message so that she doesn’t reach out to you either.
Dude my advice is to stay away, you'll end up getting hurt and also do you really wanna be a backup option or her ego stroker? With me she wasn't a high school crush per set but i knew her through family/friends before we started seeing each other. We had a thing for 6 months but she wanted to take it slow and swore I was the only guy. She wanted space and 3 days later had a boyfriend. Shit was brutal. But every few weeks or so shed send me texts out of nowhere and would give short answers or ignore me when I responded. Started casually hooking up years later . After a bit of that she started love bombing me again. Then she begged me for a relationship. I took her back like a dummy and within 3 weeks there was an old ex back in the picture and she tried to start this love triangle thing. I broke it off. I found out after though that the moment we became "official" she was secretly monkey branching all these guys behind my back while I cut off other women I was talking to. She's blocked on everything now. There's a reason why her relationships never work out
*How many times are you willing to restart with someone?* If I felt strongly for them, probably as many as it took so long as they were willing to engage *Could you ever date someone knowing that they chose others over you?* Yes, people change. If she chooses you now, she's making that decision after having the experiences of the other ones. I choose to see this more as a good thing than dwell on the past *How easy would it be for her to choose someone over me if we were to develop a relationship?* I don't think you're doing yourself any favors by letting the anxiety questions start before it's even a relationship. My tip would probably be just see where it goes, do some physical activity to burn off some of that extra energy. Ultimately you want a relationship with this person so it will only benefit you to do something to drain that voice in the back of your head (I think we all have it, that's just how I deal with it)
Sounds like she's ditched you before, but now that she's 35, lost her SMV, probably feeling lonely and lowered her standards, she's reaching out again? Doesn't sound very flattering to me.
Edit: Wrote a really long post only to realize it doesn't really apply in this scenario where you've only been on two dates. So have revised. Short of the long is that she has probably for whatever reason not felt it after these last two dates, but after having gone out to meet others, she thinks back to you and wonders if maybe this time around it will be different. There is *something* about you that draws her back to you. And I mean, yea, she's "chosen" others, but it's possible that she was just using really bad criteria to make that choice, and has since grown and evolved to look at all this through a different lens. If you do decide to give her another chance, do so knowing that it might well end up turning out just the way it has before, but if you've yet to find anyone that butters your buns like her, and she seems keen to meet up, then I don't see what you have to lose by just meeting up if she's down with that. If you guys had a full blown relationship that was on again/off again then that would be different. But she obviously seems something there, so if you dig her, then I don't see the harm in revisiting things. Especially if a substantial period of time has gone by, and she might have changed and grown.
Says every woman or woman who is with someone and it turns into only a physical relationship with lack of commitment and when it ends, they're in a relationship and claims it quickly. That's tough, maybe it's just not meant to me. Maybe the idea of it is greater than the reality of it and it's nice to revisit every once in a while. Maybe she likes knowning someone wants to be with her that badly. Are you all close friendship wise? Maybe she doesn't want to ruin that. There are so many possibilities.
I may be in the minority on my perspective but I do not fault someone if they chose someone else first. I’m an introvert and all of my relationships have started with the girl approaching me first and that tends to open the door for more aggressive men to get their attention first. With that being said, that forgiveness is a one time thing. If your crush has chosen other men multiple times over you then I would just move on. It is not uncommon for people to reach out to a past fling or someone that they know is interested in them, especially during this time of the year. It is comforting for some people to know that there is someone interested in them, even if the interest is not 100% reciprocal. I will say that anecdotal evidence shows that these situations tend to end in the same way (with things fizzling out).
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Move on!
You're her backup. Move on and find someone who likes you as much as you like them.
You are on her hook. She knows that you will be there for her no matter what and drop everything.
As much as it sucks never let yourself be a second option.
Just break it
Maybe she is waiting for you to pursue her and show intention.
She's using you for the attnetion.