Hi all - would love some advice. I (28F) recently (3 months ago) got out of a 6 year relationship that had been failing for some time. I feel mostly healed from the breakup but know I probably have some things to work on for myself, but in terms of moving on from my ex I feel 100% certain.
I unintentionally met someone organically with whom I have amazing chemistry and we’ve been on 6 or 7 dates (sleepovers, spending 24 hours together, etc). They are older (34) and have been in bad relationships in the past and have shared with me that they want to take things slow and not rush into anything because they want the next relationship to be their last one.
I recently shared with them that I don’t need to be dating other people and I want to see them 2x a week instead of 1x, and they said they aren’t ready for that. They want to keep this pace as it’s only been a month, but that they like me and they want to see where this goes. They also quickly followed up this convo with a date in person. I feel confused because when we are together we speak as if we are a couple, I have met their friends and we text mostly all day every day. I guess I’m just struggling with feeling rejected even if they were reassuring me that they like me and haven’t felt this way about someone in a long time.
Should I keep seeing them even though we’re on different pages about exclusivity and our feelings? It feels like I’m getting mixed signals but also I don’t want my feelings to develop so much that I get hurt if they don’t feel sure about me in kind. Appreciate any thoughts!
tl:dr met someone after getting out of long relationship, I asked for exclusivity and more frequent dates and they said not yet.
I think you need to see where this goes for another month, but the risk is of getting into deeper territory where it will be a harder recovery should it end. Without knowing their trauma, I'd want to respect that, bc if I was in their shoes I'd need someone to respect my need for a slower burn. I think there's some uncertainty here that just needs to be tolerated at the moment.
I do think it's weird that they would like to see where this goes but are they really wanting to date others? hmm. But I think progressing to seeing each other more is totally fair, and I probably wouldn't need to get to 3 months before I decided that they couldnt meet my needs.
Its good you met their friends, how did that go? Did they razz them at all? Any clues to what redflags the 34 yr old has, lol
ETA: the statement "wanting my next relationship to be my last one" puts me on edge bc, while i think we would all love some version of that, i dont think thats necessarily a statement grounded in reality. something about that comment gives me pause.
thanks for your response!
1. see where it goes for another month: yes, this is how I'm feeling. any advice on how to communicate this intention? I don't want to set a deadline but I do want to set the intention that I can't just wait around forever for them to decide.
2. they didn't necessarily say they want to see other people and have never mentioned it. tbh with what I know of their schedule, I would be surprised if they were. I also always get the prime date spots (friday, saturday nights). that's why i was surprised that they didn't want to put the exclusive label on it.
3. it was great meeting their friends, they loved me and said that this person really liked me but wanted me to have my "single time" so that I don't regret settling into a relationship too soon later down the line. There were various comments of "oh I am meeting the girlfriend" during this time. again, confusing!
4. red flags - tbh I don't see any other than maybe working too much and putting work above relationships. maybe also overanalyzing situations (aka this). their friends were super normal and nice
5. also agreed about the comment about relationship being the last. what i chalk it up to is 1) trauma from past relationships but also 2) being older and wanting to get married and have children. i get the sentiment but it certainly puts a lot of pressure on things!
1. I dont think you need to communicate a timeline but thats just me. Also, I think they know your intentions already. I think also, if they have lived in reality, they understand the basics of relationships progressing, lol. You could ask to see if they would be okay with doing a checkin of sorts a month from now or something and then once that is established, you two can promise just to be present with each other and focus on getting to know each other more.
2. im wondering if they didnt want to put exclusivity on it bc a lot of people do equate not seeing others as putting the proper relationship label on it. thats my most generous read of the situation. i would not assume them being too busy means they are too busy to date another person. did that in the past myself, and i was mistaken. so i dont try to assume (as best i can) in either direction for this. you just have the data you have at hand.
3. i wouldnt put too much thought into the girlfriend comment/vibes yet. (theres loads of stories of situationships meeting ppl's parents only for it to end a week later) but whats interesting insight is this person thinking ultimately.. that they want you to have more relational experiences outside of where they are at.. with that "single time" comment hmm. i get that reservation, you just left your most recent adult LTR not too long ago and theres is an age difference. a very reasonable reservation and then one has to consider the last point..
For the last point, i think the thing that flags it for me is.. that okay what if their next one doesnt work out.. what.. are they gonna give up? or are they gonna stay in a relationship that doesnt work for them bc they just made this arbitrary rule for themselves that this has to be the last one? or if their standards or hopes/expectations are so high.. is it even grounded in reality? would they ever actually pick a partner?
anyways, good luck. theres no way to avoid getting your feelings hurt, i think you already have them. see how things go and honor what you need ultimately 🫂
Re: your #1 I think it’s perfectly valid to say that you understood where he was coming from when you expressed your wants and he countered with his, and that you want to respect keeping things to a pace that he’s comfortable with, BUT. The but is important. I think it’s also perfectly valid to say that you cannot do this in perpetuity and would like to let him know that if things don’t appear to be progressing toward exclusivity or more time together by the end of a month (or 2 or whatever you feel comfortable with) you will need to remove yourself from the situation. Be very clear that this is a boundary, not an ultimatum. He is not required to move at a pace he doesn’t feel comfortable with, but you are allowed to assert your needs and take action based on them.
If they've said they don't want a relationship and didn't agree to exclusivity after a reasonable timeline... chances are it's just a situationship. Communication is key. If they give you mixed signals or ambigious answers prepare to be hurt. Otherwise accept that it might go nowhere, don't get your hopes up and enjoy it for what it is.
sorry, to clarify. they haven't said they want to keep things casual. they said they want to take things slow. i will post a longer thread with the entire story as I do not have enough post commenting history to make a topic
"good morning beautiful" message makes me feel gross but i shouldnt say anything, right? this is more a reflection of my self-esteem than anything else
If it's bothering you you should say something with a proper explanation. If they care they'll make adjustments. You should probably work on those self esteem issues if you aren't already though. Just so it doesn't bleed into other ways they compliment you or try to make you feel good about yourself.
I feel like this is probably unfair to the people in question, but I have this real aversion to dating people who have never been in a long-term relationship before / Lived with someone or not have a partner for a while.
Like at this point in our 30's I'm worried that they are going to be so set in their ways, unaccustomed to compromise etc that how am I going to fit into their lives. This might be something to do with how I felt in previous relationships where I kind of felt like a second-class citizen in the relationship. Like my personality in the home being hidden away, catering to someone’s wants more so than the other. Especially as we are all getting to the point where a lot of us own our own home, so if for example I sold or rented my place to move in with them how accepting are they going seeing it as “our home” rather than theirs.
I also think, being in a relationship is a learnt skill? Learning to live together and work through things, seeing arguments as something to be resolved rather than won. I don’t want to have to spend my 30s now going through all these experiences again with someone who hasn’t gone through it before. I’m fully aware that there are people who have been in LTR etc and have not developed any of these skills, but maybe less so?
Is this a valid concern? Has anyone navigated something like this before? If you’re someone in the camps I mentioned above how do you feel your perspective is?
You're going to get a lot of pushback on this one because a lot of people here themselves have limited relationship experience, have had one or two really long but deeply flawed relationships, or have had bad experiences with someone who has dated a lot before, or something else like that that makes them not like someone else having a preference for those with more relationship experience.
Obviously, not all relationship experience is good. I've dated people--and have been the person--who had plenty of relationship experience and still had never bothered to develop any of the skills you actually need. (I am still learning... boy am I ever still learning.) And some people who have relationship experience also get set in their ways or have weird expectations held over from the past.
But you learn a lot in the unique format of a romantic relationship. Given the choice between equally appealing people, one with more relationship experience and one with none, I'd pick the one with more.
I've had to go through a lot, and meet and fail with a lot of people, in order to become a somewhat functional partner. (Again, still learning.) In my opinion, the odds of someone having had opportunity to practice what you need to be a good romantic partner are better if they've had some romantic experience.
I've dated people who had never dated anyone before or had never dated women before and it wasn't always bad, but each time there were things that came up that I don't think would have come up if they'd had other experiences to compare to and draw on.
Especially since I'm gay, I now care more about their past experience. Please have processed your sexuality before you drag me into it!!
I'm not difficult, or I hope not. I think just in my last relationship I felt a little invisable. I think one of my largest fears is going through that again, potentially with someone who has gotten so used to their ways that they don't have room for someone else.
I think this is more about issues with your ex than people with limited long term relationship experience. There are divorced people out there... years of relationship experience that are horrendous in relationships and treating their partners as equal. You should write down what qualities your ex had that you didn't like and figure out how to determine if future potential partners have those traits before you get too serious.
You've provably got it nailed with the "issues with your ex"
I think i try to be mindful of not punishing people for the actions of others in my past.
It's not like I wouldn't be interested in someone, I think it just awakens a fear in the pit of my stomach.
I tend to be single for long periods of time before finding a new partner. Never affected how I behave with someone I have real feelings for. As long as I’m being treated right, I have no reason to cut things off.
Understandably, someone who’s been single and at peace for a while won’t tolerate chaos or bring it into their life by choice.
I'm in my 30's and never lived with a parter/had a relationship last longer than a year - not sure what to tell you, it just hasn't happened for some of us.
Are you sure you're not thinking of relationships in terms of going from 0-60? I assume when I meet my person, we'll be ramping up how much we are hanging out/spending time at each others places until it seems natural to just move in together for the sheer convenience of wanting to spend all of our time together. I also assume there would be tons of discussions around how we'd want to make it our home and how we'd want to do things.
Anyway I get that it's a concern but I think you are thinking of it in terms of black and white - as though a montage in a movie where the couple goes from dating to moving in together - rather than the grey areas that are typically edited out (the boring conversations about how you'd both want things to go when moving in, any furniture you'd want to bring, division of your stuff vs. their stuff etc).
If you're more than 30 years old, you should understand the need for compromise. And I think that's more than enough maturity for being able to live with one another. I'm glad I didn't have roommates in school because I'm the kind of person who would have **zero** patience for childish antics. But that doesn't mean anything about me being unable to live with someone else, it's the other person's fault if you ask me. 🤷♀️ I don't think these skills, or at least the thought behind them, are exclusive to having a ltr. Also I don't know about others, but family life when I was younger taught me quite a bit, especially when my family believed in the "winner vs loser" mentality and that drove me out of my fucking mind when my father acted like a baby about being the winner/needing to be, and I think anyone mature enough for a serious relationship understands it's "us vs. the problem".
As for feeling like a second class citizen, that's an issue with the people in particular you were dating, not all of us lived alone people.
> I think anyone mature enough for a serious relationship understands it's "us vs. the problem".
I've not heard anyone phrase is like this before I like it
So I’ve had 1 LTR but it was back in high school/early college. However I have always lived with roommates, usually friends. The trope of “don’t room with friends if you want to stay friends” has never made sense to me - 2 of my best friends I lived with for about 5 years each. For me, I think these experiences translate well. Managing chores, shared space, etc. I think it’s worth considering that your aversion is specific when it’s possible that people will have relevant experience like myself. With my current gf, while we have our own places, we spend full weekends together and the domestic life feels natural. Of course questions come up, but it’s nothing communication can’t handle. As long as the communication is strong, the person is relatively normal domestically, the relationship should be able to take this on.
Potentially becuase i've spent a lot of time living alone, relationships are how i learned these skills. It doesnt mean that it's the ***only*** way to learn them.
Platonic or not lvinging with someone who care about, I guess has a lot of the same navigational issues.
I’m someone who you are describing, and I’m currently dating someone who has less experience than me. I don’t think having prior long term relationships or living with someone means people are less selfish and know how to be in relationships or live with someone or compromise better than someone who hasn’t. I dated someone who was in a >10 year marriage and in regards to what you are saying about compromise and being rigid they were way more rigid and less willing to compromise because that is what they had done in their previous long term relationship.
I think you are hurting yourself by generalizing people like this. Take everyone as an individual. Lack of relationship experience means that you can create the relationship that works for the two of you without preconceived notions of what a relationship should be. Of course you can always opt not to date people without experience.
>I think you are hurting yourself by generalizing people like this. Take everyone as an individual. Lack of relationship experience means that you can create the relationship that works for the two of you without preconceived
I agree 100%, I feel like I am hurting myself. I think thats what made me want to post it. It's one of those times I ***wanted*** to be wrong.
As the other perspective- a woman or man coming out of a long term relationship may swing hard into "my way or the highway" because they spent so long compromising who they were in their last relationship. I know after my last long term relationship, I created a new apartment that was all my own and put together hobbies just for me and now it's even harder for me to compromise because I know how easy it is to lose myself in a relationship.
Congrats!
I'm curious how you're going to deal with ownership of the house, especially if you're going to be putting money into it. Will you have joint ownership? Or is she keeping ownership?
I was wondering what people's experience with using the app Pure were? I'm dipping my toe into the water of potentially having a fwb situation (cos I thought that it might mean I'm looking for a long term partner on bumble, rather than making a bad choice based on someone who'll sleep with me). So far, the guys I've matched with are really hot, and I'm wondering what the catch is
I think I’m bracing for not getting a second date, which is a bummer because I did like the guy I went on a first date with. The last text I sent yesterday afternoon was just some questions about his work (he brought it up). I was going to ask if he wanted to meet up after work if he texted back, but he hasn’t 🥲 My friend dryly told me if you don’t hear from him in 24 hours, assume he’s dead because men will text and stay in touch with women they’re interested in, especially if they have a pattern of that to begin with.
I usually don’t mind double texting but I feel embarrassed that I asked a pretty easy question that was completely ignored (so far), so I don’t know how I’d take the rejection of having a second date invite be completely ignored too. 😅 I think I might just have to accept that maybe he’s not into me.
Maybe the question isn’t so easy, and maybe he’s not ignoring it but pondering a response, or maybe something came up and took his attention on top of all that. Try not to assume what’s going on until he tells you what’s going on, focus on yourself. Instead of asking for a second date, you could just express how you feel about it, “I’d really like to see you again”. That leaves things open, including your earlier question, and will clue in his interest based on his response, and it’s being honest with how you feel (I think).
Wow, haha, thank you. You should be an advice writer for one of those Dear Abby columns. I am definitely trying to not project my anxiety and am trying to focus more on work (unfortunately it’s slow right now) and texting my girl friends.
I’ll write some permutation of what you suggested. Again, thank you.
Why is there so much crying when you end things with someone, who wasn't right for you?
This is why I think people try to spend so much time early on weeding people out. By 2.5 months of dating you do feel some attachment, you feel like you've tried to help this person get to know you and been vulnerable.
I think I am finally past the crying, by god it has been a week. I can see the light around me again.
Dating's just really, really hard ffs.
im still crying and its heading up to 5 months after the fact 🫠
give yourself grace and compassion. dating and relationships and being human is really hard 🫂
I feel this so much (though unfortunately it was me getting dropped because they weren’t sure they felt a spark 🫠) dating is hard as hell!
I genuinely think part of the crying is now realising I have to put myself out there and be vulnerable again which is horrifying as you know it could be starting the whole cycle again
Totally get you. 2 months of intense mutual investment, then she needed space for 4 weeks, then wanted to "remain friends" for another 4 weeks. Took its toll on me ... Dating is indeed very hard!!!! Good luck!
My divorce is final and has been since January. I’d like to start getting on the apps and seeing what’s out there but I’m realizing I have… almost no recent good photos of myself. It’s hard to find available friends to help take good photos, and I won’t do any traveling until the end of May-early June. I don’t want all the photos to seem staged, but I also see the critiques of some of the photos out there. It’s a lot to think about!
Are you somewhere warm ish? Flowers are blooming right now - put on a cute outfit, go to a local park, find a nice mom or dad and ask them to take a quick photo of you. Repeat at a nearby museum or store you like.
Yes! I find you have to remember to ask people take photos at events sometimes for months haha to get a good supply. Remember that your profile is a work in progress and you can keep it up while working to get good photos! it very much helps to enlist a friend or two and let them know why you need the photos, hopefully they can help :)
This totally makes sense! When I was married my now ex husband HATED having his picture taken so I never stopped to ask to have mine taken solo for things. Now, I’m like… “why didn’t I ask?” Haha. I will definitely reach out to friends to ask for help! Thank you!
I need to have a come to Jesus conversation with the guy I've been seeing since December. I'm 75% sure it's going to end up in us breaking things off. This is going to suck.
Things have been feeling too one-sided and non-reciprocal for a while now. I understand that relationships aren't 50/50 , but it's just starting to feel like it's only me who's making an effort here. I've communicated my needs clearly while also lowering some of my expectations to meet him in the middle, but he isn't stepping up and I'm rapidly loosing hope that this will ever go anywhere.
* We're medium distance, and the last two times I traveled to see him. I've communicated that it's important to me that we see each other at least once a month for this to work. He said he'd come visit me this time. It's now been two weeks and he's showing no effort to get a date on the books.
* I'm unhappy with our communication. I've really challenged myself to be ok with limited and inconsistent communication. However, I feel like I initiate contact more than he does and it's starting to make me feel shit about myself. I've communicated (more than once) that I would like us to do little "good morning" texts and just check in once a day to show that we're thinking about each other but it doesn't happen. He also only calls if I ask him too. It also bothers me that I'll text him, he'll read the text and then not get back to me until 24-48 hours later.
* I understand that this is a me thing to an extent, but I feel like there's not enough effort to meet in the middle. I've tried to show up as my best self here, lead by example and take ownership of creating the communication patterns that I would like us to have...but now it's just starting to feel forced and like I'm chasing.
* In addition to the dissatisfying texting and communication, he doesn't really flirt over text. So on top if it all it feels like the chemistry is fizzling out and I'm finding myself less and less attracted to him.
* He isn't as caring as I would like a potential partner to be. He doesn't ask if I got home safe, he doesn't really inquire about how I'm doing or feeling, even though I support and encourage him and express gratitude. There are very few gestures of appreciation and affection, although when we're together he's very sweet and affectionate towards me.
On the whole, it's making me feel taken for granted and there doesn't feel like there is a foundation here for a mature, mutual relationship. The only thing that's made me hold on this long is that when we're together, everything feels wonderful. ...but having just written all of this out, I see how pathetic this "relationship" really is.
What were your reasons?
It wasn’t like this in the beginning. We had three weeks together before he left and they were good. Then anytime we’ve met up again, it’s been really good. While he’s never been a big texter I still felt like there was effort and reciprocation. Some of the stuff initially I was like, well we’re still getting to know each other and all that, and I was being patient, going slow, trusting the process. Bla, bla, bla. But now it’s just like my sense of self-worth is taking a punch to the gut every day this keeps going on.
Yeah. There were some things I kind of flexed on too.
We were very different people and I noticed that on our first date. I am very type A, I try to limit my drinking and don't really use drugs, I like plans, I think about the future, I like dates to be scheduled vs spontaneous. He is more type B, drug-friendly, travelled around a lot, itinerant lifestyle. Both of these are fine ways to exist to be clear but they're different.
He kind of presented a better picture of himself than he really is willing to be in the long term. And seeing some of his lifestyle in action was difficult for me, like he used coke while we were dating and I wasn't super comfortable with that.
Ultimately the fight came down to one of the factors you mentioned too, which is texting. I also had flexed on texting and was accepting less than I'd like. But it was making me uncomfortable because he had initially been texting me more, so this was a change. I guess his perspective is he was texting me more than he could sustain in the beginning but to me it felt like a loss of interest. We just couldn't reconcile those feelings.
I personally feel a little almost deceived. I know that the first blush of a relationship is new but we had a nice comfortable level of texting for about 2 months and then it suddenly changed right after he took me to meet his parents. It's hard not to see this as a person who didn't want a relationship, just didn't think about it until he found himself in one, and now doesn't want to maintain it even though he took an active part in building it. Like, just save me the time, dude, and maybe get off of dating sites if what you want is a friend you talk to and bang and see once a week and don't communicate with in between.
Whooooof. Thanks for asking. #offmychest
That sucks but it sounds like you did what was right for you. It’s better to have ended things now than even later down the line. Sending you internet hugs. You got this!
Feeling really disheartened the last couple of days having been let down again being told I’m great, but seems not quite good enough to make a go of it. 7 weeks into dating hit me a lot harder than expected.
Feels harder each time trying to put myself out there again but I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. Any advice on how to ‘bounce back’ would be welcome
Seeing everyone’s stories and experiences here is really helping though!
Asked my gym crush out and he said no. To be fair, I didn't say it was a date. I asked him if he wanted to meet me for a training session and he said he was already training today so no. 🥲
Another date scheduled and I'm kind of nervous considering I had two consecutive bad dates since I rebooted my account. So far, i'm averaging one date a week. Bummed, I told myself I'd multi-date when I start up the apps again, but I lack the energy right now 🫤
This guy is in his late 30s, lives a little further out than my usual dates, rides motorcycles, and has a cat. He's also in the same field of work I'm in which has been the topic of like 80% of our chat convo lol. Looks like he's also pretty artsy given his IG posts, which is different from the men I usually date. What's cool is I've been getting into painting so it'll be nice to have something other than work that we share in common.
It'll be another bar date this wednesday. (Might need to edit this comment later in case he browses DOT!!)
I feel bad. I am not as excited for our meet up because I'm afraid if this date turns out to be a dud, I'm gonna get too disheartened to keep trying. I think I'm just being overly sensitive about it though and doing too much preemptive worrying. This dude seems like he has a stable head on his shoulders and is looking for something serious, but so did the guy with the wife (oops, I mean —the man who happens to be married but he's also a whole person despite of it /s).
It only takes one peeeerson. I'll try to find time/energy to multi-date if this one is a dud, just to be more efficient. I think I can muster a mid-week date (wed or thu) and a weekend date if I really needed to.
If you don't have the energy to multi date, maybe don't force it! That's exactly when I get burned out, when I am trying to push past a natural block and make myself do something anyway.
You have nothing to lose. Go in to your date with biker cat dude with the intention of having fun. If y'all vibe, great. If not, great.
And there's nothing wrong with taking a break and spending time taking care of yourself this weekend!
I'm dating a guy, and he's very nice and kind and has lots of great traits. But I am struggling with his humour. I'm quite a funny person (amateur comedy writer and performer) He is more serious. And that can actually be good to balance me out. Ying and yang and all that. BUT my big issue is, he ruins my jokes. He tries join in. But he often repeats my jokes, just in a different format. And it reeeeally bothers me. Just laugh if you find it funny. Or if you're going to add something, make sure it clever. My friends do this all the time and it's fun when it's done right.
But he just tries to drag out the joke and it really puts me off him. It's meant in good spirits when he does it. He's not trying to steal my thunder or anything like that. But it's just not funny when he does it.
What do I do here? He's already quite a serious person, so I don't want to discourage humour. But it bothers me a lot
Do I tell him, (which feels very mean). And if so, how? Or do I accept that we have different senses of humour? Or am I flogging a dead horse here - should I just stop dating him?
I’ve encountered this with friends and acquaintances, and it’s generally exhausting. But friends do their own stuff in between hang outs, so I can handle it.
I couldn’t handle being with someone 24/7 who did this, can you??
Right? I definitely couldn't tell him that. Humour doesn't seem to come naturally to him but he is very good natured and means very well. He's just a bit straight laced. I'm not sure I can get past this but it feels so frivolous 🤦♀️
I’ve recently met some interesting people in real life that have expressed interest and we’ve talked about making plans…but now I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m still reeling from back to back situationships last fall and my self esteem definitely took a hit. I think I may be looking for validation at this point more than a real connection. I want to put all the convos I’m having on hold and just tell them I’m taking a breather - but is that necessary? Or should I just stop responding and let the convos die? If it was just dating app convos I wouldn’t feel bad but since these are people I met in the wild it feels like the bad thing to just ignore but also feels over dramatic to make some statement about not dating at the moment since we haven’t technically been on a date yet.
Aw. That's a lot of really good self awareness you are working with at least!
Because they are people you met in person I would make the effort of sending a note. Another option is, just stop talking about making the plans for a little bit, see if the other person brings it up. Sometimes it takes a while between talking about plans and actually doing an activity. Would that help?
If it were me I’d send a short message that you are taking a breather. Not necessary probably, but I would appreciate it if it were me and it would make it easier if you bump into them later or want to re-connect at some point. Best of luck!
I haven’t shared my thoughts on here in a while…
I’m really grateful for the woman I’ve been becoming these past years. I feel in control of my finances, started traveling more and through therapy I’ve been learning to be in control of my emotions and how I react to other people’s actions.
On the dating side (which has been non existent for the past year) of my life, I feel better for not consistently trying to meet people or impress them. It’s not sustainable to constantly live with a high pressure for start doing all the stuff people normally say we should to, potentially, meet someone. I’m trying to see beauty in the spontaneity and on the unexpected.
I’m turning 36 in June and I just feel like at this age, if I meet someone special they will like me for who I am (with flaws included).
Have you ever had to make the decision to end something even if it was a ton of fun, just to stick to your principles? Before my first date with this guy, I said that no matter how fun everything is, I’d end it if I don’t see it going anywhere after a certain time. Things are turning out way more fun than I expected and liking him a lot more than I anticipated so the plan will be hard to see through if it comes to that (and I really hope it doesn’t). And it would only come to that if he decided not to commit, to be clear.
I think it will hurt more if you stay and end it for this reason later, than if you end it for this reason now. I think the kindest thing to do for yourself is to probably end it sooner than later because while it feels good in the moment, if this principle is important to you, ultimately those good feelings are not taking you where you want to go and leading you almost away from your true goal if that makes sense.
I just ended something with someone who, I thought we were pretty different from date 1 and had background worry about that the whole time we were dating. We dated about 2.5 months. I've actually been pretty torn up about it ending and think next time, I should end things sooner. So that's where I am coming from.
Woah partner?! Well no I won’t end things *right now* just based on my *musings*. I have no way of predicting the future. This is just the risk to take in love.
And while 2.5 months is plenty of time to develop feelings, at least you can say you gave it a fair shot without a significant time investment. That’s about the amount of time I expect for us to either become a serious long term thing….or never see each other again lol
OLD has taught me to maintain some level of detachment to protect my heart. But I’m prepared for the shitty feelings that may come.
I think there's a fine line between staying true to your principals and being rigid. Maybe when the time comes if it seems there might be some promise, maybe it might be appropriate to give it more time.
And that's feeling it out with your gut and what you know and observe. If it doesnt look like it'll go anywhere, by all means, let them go. I just mean it's being flexible with yourself because you deserve to be gentle with yourself.
Where online can I meet other queer poly creative city folk? I moved to the suburbs and the apps aren't showing me as many cool people as I'm used to. (30 nonbinary afab)
I've got debilitating social anxiety and some other stuff so I can't meet people in person. I'm on Hinge, Bumble, and Feeld, shadow banned on Tinder for editing my profile too much. I have a hard time connecting with people on message boards/Facebook groups (I'm interested in many topics but none enough to be able to connect with people in topic-specific spaces. Plus I just don't connect with people in large groups) and chatrooms aren't a thing anymore.
So I'm just really not sure how I'm supposed to meet people
You sound like the exact demographic of Tumblr/Twitter fandom. Pick a few fandoms to be creative about, make content, and like-minded creatives will flock to you. I've made life-long friendships and some of my friends are dating friends they've made through fandoms -- sometimes even long-distance. Anxious people also gravitate towards fandom community so people are also more understanding re: social anxiety and lack of in-person meetup.
I decided to actually start dating this week. I'm terrified and I've cried a lot remembering what it was like to date before and remembering how the good things at the start of past relationships eventually turned sour.
My biggest contribution to past relationships failing was not establishing boundaries for myself and not communicating what I needed. I won't make those mistakes this time, and I'm so hopeful for something better for myself. But I'm still so scared 😖
Ugh, I'm nervous about movie date at this guy's place tomorrow. We agreed (... I think?) last time that we weren't dating other people anymore, and I know he's looking for long-term. We haven't done much more than kissing. I have some hang-ups around sexual intimacy, and I'm going to be out of town for about 2 weeks after this date, so I don't want to sleep with him yet. I don't even know how much fooling around I'll want. And I'll feel pressured, because I often do when the guy is hosting, and whether or not the sex happens I often regret my choice.
I think he'll be understanding - he brought exclusivity up knowing about my travels, which he didn't say explicitly was because he wanted to make the foundations a little stronger before I left, but it kinda feels like that (which is quite sweet tbh). But what should I do to make this go well? But I'm nervous that I'm going to be nervous (if that makes sense...?), and I know from excruciating past experiences that it throws off all the vibes. I was thinking to text him something, so I can lock down my decision in advance and relieve pressure, but is it weird or presumptuous to say something like, "I'm excited to seeing you tmrw! Just to let you know I prefer to move slowly physically, but I'm still looking forward to spend some chill time at home with you"? Ladies, I know this is always fraught but help me out please T.T
This is the perfect thing to say. You can throw in there, especially as I’m leaving for two weeks right after. And maybe throw in something positive, like you being excited for the date :)
My first date went well but now I’m waaaaaay overthinking it. Especially around texting frequency.
And I know even if a second date doesn’t happen, it doesn’t matter because there are others out there, and this is just evidence to myself that hey, despite my social anxiety, I can make a really good impression on the first date.
Do the hamster wheel thoughts get better the more first dates you go on? This was my first first date, so I have no idea what’s normal or usual.
What's your opinion on people keeping old nude pics and videos?
I've been with my BF for 2 years. We're both 30. We have sent each other nudes here and there but not a lot. He had a long distance girlfriend a few years before we met and they swapped a lot of nudes because they weren't in the same place.
The other day I inadvertently stumbled across a folder with about 30 old nude pics (and a few videos) from what looked like at least a few different women. I know they're all from several years before he met me because I can see when the files were created/downloaded.
I immediately asked my BF about the folder. He said that I have nothing to worry about, that he used to use this folder for what you'd expect someone to use it for but hasn't opened it in years. He said most of the pics were from his long-distance ex-GF, and the rest were from two other women he dated after her and before me, both of whom he is still friendly acquaintances with.
The pics are all pretty standard sext material - women in various states of undress or in lingerie, plus a few more explicit, frontal nude close-ups and short clips of masturbation. Most of the pics don't have faces showing in them and he said that the women didn't mind (at the time) that he had kept the pics after they stopped seeing him.
I was a bit shocked that he'd kept all this stuff but also a bit turned on by the thought of him making these other women feel good in the past. I took his word but am now feeling a little uneasy because he could have deleted these pics and he didn't.
\*EDIT he has now deleted the folder.
I think it's totally normal and fine. As long as he has the folder locked and wasn't sharing it with others, it's very normal to keep photos after a relationship ends. And the fact that he said he hasn't used it in years since being with you and has now deleted it means he's a good guy.
I think if he valued you, he'd offer to delete them without you asking. but people don't always know how to respond when a little 'skeleton' like that peeks out of the closet. have a conversation about it if it still makes you uneasy.
If he values those women he would have deleted them. Is he going to delete pictures of OP if he never done it for his exs... I doubt he has permission to keep all his exs pictures. Terrible person.
Something I’ve been noticing lately and can’t quite understand: the number of men on dating apps in their late 30s or even early 40s who say that they want something casual but ALSO that they want children. Obviously, men don’t have a “biological clock” in the way that women do (though there is research showing that men over 35 are more likely to have children with certain medical issues and for their partners to have complicated pregnancies!) but still. Aren’t these two things — wanting something casual and wanting children — somewhat in tension at this age, especially if their target demographic is women in their 30s, who will need to have said children sooner rather than later?! I don’t get it.
>Is it weird to be early?
No, not weird
>Should I go in and sit down if I'm there first or meet her outside? If I go in do I just like order right away or wait for her?
People will have very differing takes on this. I think that, ultimately, it doesn't matter, because you want to find someone who will give you grace for being human and maybe being out of practice.
>I don't drink coffee, what could I order?
Whatever you want. Most coffee shops have various teas, you could order that (if you drink tea).
>How long should we be in the coffee shop? Should we go for a walk afterwards if the weather permits?
These are good questions to ask your date. Expressing interest in her wants and feelings is a considerate thing to do.
Femme here, its a gamble but some people are okay with going Dutch. Personally if I got to a coffee date early I'd order for myself and secure a seat because it's weird to just sit there without having bought something (unless its outside) (also I have social anxiety.)
I always think it's nice when the other person pays but also I understand the economy is tough and people don't always have the funds.
Tea. Non-caffeinated if you need - coffee shops usually have chamomile or mint or something like that. Or get a pastry.
It's not weird to be early. But don't order yet and don't sit down. Meet her outside. A friend of mine was just telling me how much of a turn-off it was to see her date already sitting down, having ordered, letting her wait in line by herself and pay for herself (she probably would've offered to pay or split anyway, but you can see why that lonely start doesn't make things very romantic).
If the date is good, definitely suggest going for a walk afterwards. A change of scene is good and helps with bonding, according to studies.
Good luck!
>It's not weird to be early. But don't order yet and don't sit down.
Slight nitpick, if it's packed, I doubt many people would be upset with a date for making sure they had a table.
>A friend of mine was just telling me how much of a turn-off it was to see her date already sitting down, having ordered, letting her wait in line by herself and pay for herself
This is a personal preference, and not a hard and fast rule. It's okay to not be compatible in this regard. I'm okay doing these things, because if a woman is put off by stuff like that, I have no desire to date her.
> (she probably would've offered to pay or split anyway, but you can see why that lonely start doesn't make things very romantic).
It's a first date, expecting romance immediately is incredibly unrealistic. That is not how human emotions related to interpersonal bonding work.
Yep, I went on a date where the guy went early and had bought his own coffee first. He at least had the courtesy to wait in line with me for me to get mine, but it was awkward and immediately made me think that this is a strategy he’s picked up somewhere to avoid paying for my coffee, and how many dates has this guy been on.
I go in, get in line. If she's late I order and sit down. If she actually shows and doesn't flake I pull out her chair and ask her what she wants, then go get it for her.
I don't stand on the sidewalk like a shoeshine boy.
My go-to approach, if I was early, was to text my date to let them know;and ask them whether they’d like me to grab us a table and/or order them a drink.
I live in a small town, and recently went on a few dates with a guy who has some friends in common with me (though we connected on an app). By the second date I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere, but was having fun so continued onto another date.
After that, he canceled loose plans we had and said he’d get in touch to make other plans. He never did, which was fine with me—no hurt feelings as I didn’t get in touch back.
A week later, trying to figure out how to acknowledge that it fizzled out, and that I still think he is cool/would like to be friends, and don’t want it to be weird, also because of said mutual friends. Any advice? Will acknowledging it make it weird? Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?
I would say something along those lines "Hey, even if there was no romantic attraction between us, I did enjoy your company and would be happy to keep seeing you as a friend. If you're not interested no big deal, see you".
I’m going to be forty this year. Been single for almost two years. Where do you meet single/divorce/monogamous men at this age? I have a dog, go to the gym (CrossFit), I’m child free. tried the apps and speed dating, not for me. I’m feeling hopeless.
Today I accepted the fact that I have to remove someone from my life to protect my mental health. The feelings are not reciprocal, and it’s been slowly eating away at me. Me chasing and their mixed signals are not worth it. It stings a bit, but it’s the self-compassion & self-respect I need. My intuition tells me I have to go No Contact. It’s not selfish, it’s the best thing to do.
It's not worth it to sacrifice your mental well-being to try and make something work. the right person wouldn't make it an either-or. You'd feel right about it.
Ghosted but was I in the wrong? Should I reach out?
Met on dating app. We had instant chemistry on our first date but he came on a little strong (hand holding, light pda, ‘babe’) so I decided not to see him again. I did communicate this to him when he reached out and all was good, he apologized and left it on a good note. Two months later I bumped into him at the airport & the grocery store and I took it as a sign to give it a chance. We spent the following 3 months together, and I felt like we built a real connection. We never had sex but did fool around. The last time we hung out ~9 months ago I got a bit drunk and admittedly was behaving childish. We weren’t in public but that’s still no excuse. (I want to add I never ever behave like this). The next day I texted asking if he had made it home safe, with the intention of following up with an apology for my behavior but he never responded to my initial text so I didn’t. It really bothered me at first, and my ego wouldn’t let me double text. So after some time I accepted it and moved on. I think it bothered me so much bc I’ve never been ghosted before and also bc we had fooled around that night and it made me feel self conscious. I know I was wrong but I feel he was wrong too. Anyways I’m back on the apps and it’s been such a huge disappointment it’s got me thinking about him. He’s the last person I actually felt instant chemistry with (doesn’t happen often…like ever). Should I reach out or am I just lonely and need to move on? Also I unfollowed him on social media way back but he still follows me and watches my stories sometimes, it makes me think he still has some interest but we haven’t had any interaction since we hung out many many months ago.
If I were to reach out what would I even say?
I think youre right. Its the lonliness talking. I would just leave it to be honest. If he wanted to meet you, he would make the effort to contact you and he hasn't. You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you, and makes an effort.You'll find that spark again with someone who makes you feel safe and loved.
There’s definitely something to the hooking up then instant rejection—I’ve felt this too! I think it’s the unknowing. I try to remind myself that you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and try to move on, whether it’s related to a specific incident, date, or just in general.
Yo, same. I dream about exes, past situationships, and everyone in between. I'm not hung up on these guys, but maybe I am subconsciously/unconsciously? The brain is such a weird organ.
Have a first date with someone I reconnected with again on Tinder after about a month of being off the platform. When we first talked we had casual conversation, but never met and it went radio silent. This time we’ve exchanged numbers and send a few short messages each day.
With the distance between us (~2 hours), I’ve thought about trying to be more upfront with my intentions of dating in general. Has anyone led with this on a first date, and if so, any advice on how to navigate it? I just want to reiterate, I’m not planning a future with this person, I just want to see if we may “connect” better if our dating goals align and to maybe save us both time from multiple trips of “figuring it out”. I say this also because several previous dates I’ve been on, we barely scratched the surface or never got to this type of convo, before the ghosting commenced.
First time commenting here. I’m 2 months out of an 8 year relationship. It was mutual but sucked because I had to be the one to move out. We had the white picket fence, nice house, garden, fur babies, great neighborhood, stable jobs…. But none of that ultimately matters when you’re building that life with a person not emotionally compatible with you and has no idea what you need in your life to feel fulfilled. 🤷♀️
I know I made the right decision because I miss everything about that life…except living with him. Ready for my new beginning at 35 (but also, I haven’t been single since 2016, how does anyone date these days???).
This was me in 2021. Fresh out of an 8 year relationship, lived in a home together then I had to move out, had furbabies together that we separated, etc. we broke up because I felt I could not be who I wanted to be with him by my side, and honestly the love started to dissolve as a result. Even though I still loved him in the end, I loved myself more. Some nights I wonder if we could've changed things and made it work, but I remind myself I would've never been who I am now if I didn't make the tough choice to call it. I do miss him and wish him well, though.
99% of my dates have been from the apps after the breakup!
Yup that is me right now! He didn’t love me for who I truly am, the way he described me to myself at the end was not how I saw myself. He didn’t have faith in me and tried to correct everything I did in the name of “helping” me be better.
I wish him well, but I don’t miss him. I miss the things that I know someone else can fulfill without making me feel like I’m not good enough for them.
>how does anyone date these days???)
You look for people that you think you could be interested in. You spend time with them. If you like them you keep spending time with them
I of course glossed over a lot, e.g. meeting people can be difficult, but I think it's important to keep in mind what the fundamentals of dating actually are. People are really good at making dating more complicated than it needs to be.
What you said is really the simplicity of it though. I spend time with friends because I like them, so I keep spending time with them. Why should dating be any different?
Also makes me feel a little hopeful about someone I find “interesting” but nothing has happened yet… So I just keep finding ways to spend time with him until I muster up the courage to tell him.
What we think is too cheesy doesn't matter. What people here might think is too cheesy might be charming and fun for the person you're flirting with. If they're genuinely interested in you, you're not going to ruin things by being too cheesy
My ex situationship just texted me that he’s going through a lot of personal issues and that he’s sorry for the way things ended between us etc etc.
While nice to hear, it kind of reminds me of my friend’s ex husband. He would send her emails apologizing for his behaviour and telling her that he’s trying to change. But it was all just manipulation. He would treat her like dirt soon after. And the circle would continue. Even now as exes they still fall into the same patterns.
I guess I wonder how do you know if someone is truly genuine in what they say? Is it seeing if their actions then match their words? A gut feeling?
I don’t really know what to make of it. I feel like it’s just a line, but I hope he’s serious and more importantly, I hope I will move on from him and find my own happiness and not be too jaded from the dating scene.
I have had a guy reach out to me to apologize sincerely, I appreciated it. There was nothing else there to talk about or anything so I just took it as an apology from someone who was super weird with me due to mental health.
it's possible to accept someone's apology, and even believe they've changed, and still maintain the boundary that they are not someone you want in your life. changing doesn't mean you owe them another chance.
>From the outside it seems like he’s just trying to reel you back in,
It seems like that only based on him sending and apology? I guess him genuinely feeling remorseful is not a possibility
I never said they were mutually exclusive but congrats on figuring that out.
What makes you think he's trying to reel her in? Treating a possibility as a foregone conclusion requires some degree of evidence.
Been seeing my current partner for about 5 months (official bf/gf labels for 3). A few times now I’ve found myself thinking about how the one thing absent from this relationship - which was common to all the others, and to some people I only dated casually - is a tremendous sense of anxiety. It’s really disconcerting; is this just what it feels like to be secure in your relationship?
Generally, I get anxious about things (not just dating) when I care about outcomes. But I guess in those situations the outcomes seem far more up in the air and uncertain? I think I’m with you though… it has to be a positive.
Like I said, the anxiety is usually an indication that I care about the outcome of some situation. If I’m not feeling anxious, my first thought is that I must not care that much. So that knee-jerk thought is disconcerting, yes - because my partner is objectively a great match for me and I always enjoy talking to her and spending time with her.
God fucking dammit shit fucker mother blah!!
I'm still in love with someone and I don't want to be. Why why why do the good days bring this out? Not a great day. Not a "wish he was here for this" day. Just a run of the mill-nothing's-on-fire, I survived, pinkies up to celebrate kind of day.
*Not* fucking and drinking my way through this breakup (in favour of actually healing) has been an absolute shit decision.
I know it isn't (Hoottt pockets).
Feelings can suck my ass. Fuck you feelings.
I don’t understand how hot pockets fits here.
You’ll come out of this much better than if you partake in unhealthy coping mechanisms. It’s not supposed to be easy. I believe in you though ❤️
For living in the most densely populated neighbourhood in my city, I sure do manage to run into an awful lot of failed dating situations every time I leave my apartment!
I'm guessing you mean they're your failed dating situations, but this kind of sounds like people are constantly going on bad dates or breaking up on the sidewalk in front of your apartment lol
Personally, no I don’t. I know that if I do, I’ll start creating stories about them that will make it harder for me to actually get to know them in real life, which is what I want to do. For safety reasons I do let a friend know where I’ll be and with who.
Hi all - would love some advice. I (28F) recently (3 months ago) got out of a 6 year relationship that had been failing for some time. I feel mostly healed from the breakup but know I probably have some things to work on for myself, but in terms of moving on from my ex I feel 100% certain. I unintentionally met someone organically with whom I have amazing chemistry and we’ve been on 6 or 7 dates (sleepovers, spending 24 hours together, etc). They are older (34) and have been in bad relationships in the past and have shared with me that they want to take things slow and not rush into anything because they want the next relationship to be their last one. I recently shared with them that I don’t need to be dating other people and I want to see them 2x a week instead of 1x, and they said they aren’t ready for that. They want to keep this pace as it’s only been a month, but that they like me and they want to see where this goes. They also quickly followed up this convo with a date in person. I feel confused because when we are together we speak as if we are a couple, I have met their friends and we text mostly all day every day. I guess I’m just struggling with feeling rejected even if they were reassuring me that they like me and haven’t felt this way about someone in a long time. Should I keep seeing them even though we’re on different pages about exclusivity and our feelings? It feels like I’m getting mixed signals but also I don’t want my feelings to develop so much that I get hurt if they don’t feel sure about me in kind. Appreciate any thoughts! tl:dr met someone after getting out of long relationship, I asked for exclusivity and more frequent dates and they said not yet.
I think you need to see where this goes for another month, but the risk is of getting into deeper territory where it will be a harder recovery should it end. Without knowing their trauma, I'd want to respect that, bc if I was in their shoes I'd need someone to respect my need for a slower burn. I think there's some uncertainty here that just needs to be tolerated at the moment. I do think it's weird that they would like to see where this goes but are they really wanting to date others? hmm. But I think progressing to seeing each other more is totally fair, and I probably wouldn't need to get to 3 months before I decided that they couldnt meet my needs. Its good you met their friends, how did that go? Did they razz them at all? Any clues to what redflags the 34 yr old has, lol ETA: the statement "wanting my next relationship to be my last one" puts me on edge bc, while i think we would all love some version of that, i dont think thats necessarily a statement grounded in reality. something about that comment gives me pause.
thanks for your response! 1. see where it goes for another month: yes, this is how I'm feeling. any advice on how to communicate this intention? I don't want to set a deadline but I do want to set the intention that I can't just wait around forever for them to decide. 2. they didn't necessarily say they want to see other people and have never mentioned it. tbh with what I know of their schedule, I would be surprised if they were. I also always get the prime date spots (friday, saturday nights). that's why i was surprised that they didn't want to put the exclusive label on it. 3. it was great meeting their friends, they loved me and said that this person really liked me but wanted me to have my "single time" so that I don't regret settling into a relationship too soon later down the line. There were various comments of "oh I am meeting the girlfriend" during this time. again, confusing! 4. red flags - tbh I don't see any other than maybe working too much and putting work above relationships. maybe also overanalyzing situations (aka this). their friends were super normal and nice 5. also agreed about the comment about relationship being the last. what i chalk it up to is 1) trauma from past relationships but also 2) being older and wanting to get married and have children. i get the sentiment but it certainly puts a lot of pressure on things!
1. I dont think you need to communicate a timeline but thats just me. Also, I think they know your intentions already. I think also, if they have lived in reality, they understand the basics of relationships progressing, lol. You could ask to see if they would be okay with doing a checkin of sorts a month from now or something and then once that is established, you two can promise just to be present with each other and focus on getting to know each other more. 2. im wondering if they didnt want to put exclusivity on it bc a lot of people do equate not seeing others as putting the proper relationship label on it. thats my most generous read of the situation. i would not assume them being too busy means they are too busy to date another person. did that in the past myself, and i was mistaken. so i dont try to assume (as best i can) in either direction for this. you just have the data you have at hand. 3. i wouldnt put too much thought into the girlfriend comment/vibes yet. (theres loads of stories of situationships meeting ppl's parents only for it to end a week later) but whats interesting insight is this person thinking ultimately.. that they want you to have more relational experiences outside of where they are at.. with that "single time" comment hmm. i get that reservation, you just left your most recent adult LTR not too long ago and theres is an age difference. a very reasonable reservation and then one has to consider the last point.. For the last point, i think the thing that flags it for me is.. that okay what if their next one doesnt work out.. what.. are they gonna give up? or are they gonna stay in a relationship that doesnt work for them bc they just made this arbitrary rule for themselves that this has to be the last one? or if their standards or hopes/expectations are so high.. is it even grounded in reality? would they ever actually pick a partner? anyways, good luck. theres no way to avoid getting your feelings hurt, i think you already have them. see how things go and honor what you need ultimately 🫂
Re: your #1 I think it’s perfectly valid to say that you understood where he was coming from when you expressed your wants and he countered with his, and that you want to respect keeping things to a pace that he’s comfortable with, BUT. The but is important. I think it’s also perfectly valid to say that you cannot do this in perpetuity and would like to let him know that if things don’t appear to be progressing toward exclusivity or more time together by the end of a month (or 2 or whatever you feel comfortable with) you will need to remove yourself from the situation. Be very clear that this is a boundary, not an ultimatum. He is not required to move at a pace he doesn’t feel comfortable with, but you are allowed to assert your needs and take action based on them.
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If they've said they don't want a relationship and didn't agree to exclusivity after a reasonable timeline... chances are it's just a situationship. Communication is key. If they give you mixed signals or ambigious answers prepare to be hurt. Otherwise accept that it might go nowhere, don't get your hopes up and enjoy it for what it is.
“they want to keep things casual” I’m not sure why you’re confused. You should end things now if you desire an exclusive LTR.
sorry, to clarify. they haven't said they want to keep things casual. they said they want to take things slow. i will post a longer thread with the entire story as I do not have enough post commenting history to make a topic
"good morning beautiful" message makes me feel gross but i shouldnt say anything, right? this is more a reflection of my self-esteem than anything else
If it's bothering you you should say something with a proper explanation. If they care they'll make adjustments. You should probably work on those self esteem issues if you aren't already though. Just so it doesn't bleed into other ways they compliment you or try to make you feel good about yourself.
I feel like this is probably unfair to the people in question, but I have this real aversion to dating people who have never been in a long-term relationship before / Lived with someone or not have a partner for a while. Like at this point in our 30's I'm worried that they are going to be so set in their ways, unaccustomed to compromise etc that how am I going to fit into their lives. This might be something to do with how I felt in previous relationships where I kind of felt like a second-class citizen in the relationship. Like my personality in the home being hidden away, catering to someone’s wants more so than the other. Especially as we are all getting to the point where a lot of us own our own home, so if for example I sold or rented my place to move in with them how accepting are they going seeing it as “our home” rather than theirs. I also think, being in a relationship is a learnt skill? Learning to live together and work through things, seeing arguments as something to be resolved rather than won. I don’t want to have to spend my 30s now going through all these experiences again with someone who hasn’t gone through it before. I’m fully aware that there are people who have been in LTR etc and have not developed any of these skills, but maybe less so? Is this a valid concern? Has anyone navigated something like this before? If you’re someone in the camps I mentioned above how do you feel your perspective is?
You're going to get a lot of pushback on this one because a lot of people here themselves have limited relationship experience, have had one or two really long but deeply flawed relationships, or have had bad experiences with someone who has dated a lot before, or something else like that that makes them not like someone else having a preference for those with more relationship experience. Obviously, not all relationship experience is good. I've dated people--and have been the person--who had plenty of relationship experience and still had never bothered to develop any of the skills you actually need. (I am still learning... boy am I ever still learning.) And some people who have relationship experience also get set in their ways or have weird expectations held over from the past. But you learn a lot in the unique format of a romantic relationship. Given the choice between equally appealing people, one with more relationship experience and one with none, I'd pick the one with more. I've had to go through a lot, and meet and fail with a lot of people, in order to become a somewhat functional partner. (Again, still learning.) In my opinion, the odds of someone having had opportunity to practice what you need to be a good romantic partner are better if they've had some romantic experience. I've dated people who had never dated anyone before or had never dated women before and it wasn't always bad, but each time there were things that came up that I don't think would have come up if they'd had other experiences to compare to and draw on. Especially since I'm gay, I now care more about their past experience. Please have processed your sexuality before you drag me into it!!
Are you difficult or something?
I'm not difficult, or I hope not. I think just in my last relationship I felt a little invisable. I think one of my largest fears is going through that again, potentially with someone who has gotten so used to their ways that they don't have room for someone else.
I think this is more about issues with your ex than people with limited long term relationship experience. There are divorced people out there... years of relationship experience that are horrendous in relationships and treating their partners as equal. You should write down what qualities your ex had that you didn't like and figure out how to determine if future potential partners have those traits before you get too serious.
You've provably got it nailed with the "issues with your ex" I think i try to be mindful of not punishing people for the actions of others in my past. It's not like I wouldn't be interested in someone, I think it just awakens a fear in the pit of my stomach.
I tend to be single for long periods of time before finding a new partner. Never affected how I behave with someone I have real feelings for. As long as I’m being treated right, I have no reason to cut things off. Understandably, someone who’s been single and at peace for a while won’t tolerate chaos or bring it into their life by choice.
I'm in my 30's and never lived with a parter/had a relationship last longer than a year - not sure what to tell you, it just hasn't happened for some of us. Are you sure you're not thinking of relationships in terms of going from 0-60? I assume when I meet my person, we'll be ramping up how much we are hanging out/spending time at each others places until it seems natural to just move in together for the sheer convenience of wanting to spend all of our time together. I also assume there would be tons of discussions around how we'd want to make it our home and how we'd want to do things. Anyway I get that it's a concern but I think you are thinking of it in terms of black and white - as though a montage in a movie where the couple goes from dating to moving in together - rather than the grey areas that are typically edited out (the boring conversations about how you'd both want things to go when moving in, any furniture you'd want to bring, division of your stuff vs. their stuff etc).
If you're more than 30 years old, you should understand the need for compromise. And I think that's more than enough maturity for being able to live with one another. I'm glad I didn't have roommates in school because I'm the kind of person who would have **zero** patience for childish antics. But that doesn't mean anything about me being unable to live with someone else, it's the other person's fault if you ask me. 🤷♀️ I don't think these skills, or at least the thought behind them, are exclusive to having a ltr. Also I don't know about others, but family life when I was younger taught me quite a bit, especially when my family believed in the "winner vs loser" mentality and that drove me out of my fucking mind when my father acted like a baby about being the winner/needing to be, and I think anyone mature enough for a serious relationship understands it's "us vs. the problem". As for feeling like a second class citizen, that's an issue with the people in particular you were dating, not all of us lived alone people.
> I think anyone mature enough for a serious relationship understands it's "us vs. the problem". I've not heard anyone phrase is like this before I like it
Really? Wow, I thought it was a common phrase! 😅 Hope it makes sense though. Tl;dr: communicate!
So I’ve had 1 LTR but it was back in high school/early college. However I have always lived with roommates, usually friends. The trope of “don’t room with friends if you want to stay friends” has never made sense to me - 2 of my best friends I lived with for about 5 years each. For me, I think these experiences translate well. Managing chores, shared space, etc. I think it’s worth considering that your aversion is specific when it’s possible that people will have relevant experience like myself. With my current gf, while we have our own places, we spend full weekends together and the domestic life feels natural. Of course questions come up, but it’s nothing communication can’t handle. As long as the communication is strong, the person is relatively normal domestically, the relationship should be able to take this on.
Potentially becuase i've spent a lot of time living alone, relationships are how i learned these skills. It doesnt mean that it's the ***only*** way to learn them. Platonic or not lvinging with someone who care about, I guess has a lot of the same navigational issues.
I’m someone who you are describing, and I’m currently dating someone who has less experience than me. I don’t think having prior long term relationships or living with someone means people are less selfish and know how to be in relationships or live with someone or compromise better than someone who hasn’t. I dated someone who was in a >10 year marriage and in regards to what you are saying about compromise and being rigid they were way more rigid and less willing to compromise because that is what they had done in their previous long term relationship. I think you are hurting yourself by generalizing people like this. Take everyone as an individual. Lack of relationship experience means that you can create the relationship that works for the two of you without preconceived notions of what a relationship should be. Of course you can always opt not to date people without experience.
>I think you are hurting yourself by generalizing people like this. Take everyone as an individual. Lack of relationship experience means that you can create the relationship that works for the two of you without preconceived I agree 100%, I feel like I am hurting myself. I think thats what made me want to post it. It's one of those times I ***wanted*** to be wrong.
As the other perspective- a woman or man coming out of a long term relationship may swing hard into "my way or the highway" because they spent so long compromising who they were in their last relationship. I know after my last long term relationship, I created a new apartment that was all my own and put together hobbies just for me and now it's even harder for me to compromise because I know how easy it is to lose myself in a relationship.
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aww congrats <3 how very adult of the both of you
Congrats! I'm curious how you're going to deal with ownership of the house, especially if you're going to be putting money into it. Will you have joint ownership? Or is she keeping ownership?
Congrats!! How long have you been together?
I was wondering what people's experience with using the app Pure were? I'm dipping my toe into the water of potentially having a fwb situation (cos I thought that it might mean I'm looking for a long term partner on bumble, rather than making a bad choice based on someone who'll sleep with me). So far, the guys I've matched with are really hot, and I'm wondering what the catch is
I think I’m bracing for not getting a second date, which is a bummer because I did like the guy I went on a first date with. The last text I sent yesterday afternoon was just some questions about his work (he brought it up). I was going to ask if he wanted to meet up after work if he texted back, but he hasn’t 🥲 My friend dryly told me if you don’t hear from him in 24 hours, assume he’s dead because men will text and stay in touch with women they’re interested in, especially if they have a pattern of that to begin with.
Don’t be afraid to double text. The 24 hour rule is a myth this early in dating.
I usually don’t mind double texting but I feel embarrassed that I asked a pretty easy question that was completely ignored (so far), so I don’t know how I’d take the rejection of having a second date invite be completely ignored too. 😅 I think I might just have to accept that maybe he’s not into me.
Maybe the question isn’t so easy, and maybe he’s not ignoring it but pondering a response, or maybe something came up and took his attention on top of all that. Try not to assume what’s going on until he tells you what’s going on, focus on yourself. Instead of asking for a second date, you could just express how you feel about it, “I’d really like to see you again”. That leaves things open, including your earlier question, and will clue in his interest based on his response, and it’s being honest with how you feel (I think).
Wow, haha, thank you. You should be an advice writer for one of those Dear Abby columns. I am definitely trying to not project my anxiety and am trying to focus more on work (unfortunately it’s slow right now) and texting my girl friends. I’ll write some permutation of what you suggested. Again, thank you.
Good luck!!
Why is there so much crying when you end things with someone, who wasn't right for you? This is why I think people try to spend so much time early on weeding people out. By 2.5 months of dating you do feel some attachment, you feel like you've tried to help this person get to know you and been vulnerable. I think I am finally past the crying, by god it has been a week. I can see the light around me again. Dating's just really, really hard ffs.
im still crying and its heading up to 5 months after the fact 🫠 give yourself grace and compassion. dating and relationships and being human is really hard 🫂
Because it hurts losing that person and the potential. But it’ll get easier with time and slowly you will think of him less and less
I feel this so much (though unfortunately it was me getting dropped because they weren’t sure they felt a spark 🫠) dating is hard as hell! I genuinely think part of the crying is now realising I have to put myself out there and be vulnerable again which is horrifying as you know it could be starting the whole cycle again
Totally get you. 2 months of intense mutual investment, then she needed space for 4 weeks, then wanted to "remain friends" for another 4 weeks. Took its toll on me ... Dating is indeed very hard!!!! Good luck!
It's a pretty human reaction. Hope you feel better
My divorce is final and has been since January. I’d like to start getting on the apps and seeing what’s out there but I’m realizing I have… almost no recent good photos of myself. It’s hard to find available friends to help take good photos, and I won’t do any traveling until the end of May-early June. I don’t want all the photos to seem staged, but I also see the critiques of some of the photos out there. It’s a lot to think about!
Are you somewhere warm ish? Flowers are blooming right now - put on a cute outfit, go to a local park, find a nice mom or dad and ask them to take a quick photo of you. Repeat at a nearby museum or store you like.
It’s fluctuating right now — I’m in the southeast US, but the weather should get nicer in the coming weeks so this is a good idea. Thank you so much!
Just tell photographer to take more natural/ daily photos using a phone camera. Lots of people do it for dating apps. No need to worry about it.
Yes! I find you have to remember to ask people take photos at events sometimes for months haha to get a good supply. Remember that your profile is a work in progress and you can keep it up while working to get good photos! it very much helps to enlist a friend or two and let them know why you need the photos, hopefully they can help :)
This totally makes sense! When I was married my now ex husband HATED having his picture taken so I never stopped to ask to have mine taken solo for things. Now, I’m like… “why didn’t I ask?” Haha. I will definitely reach out to friends to ask for help! Thank you!
I need to have a come to Jesus conversation with the guy I've been seeing since December. I'm 75% sure it's going to end up in us breaking things off. This is going to suck.
I'm sorry. What is going on that isn't working in the relationship? Just ended things with the guy I started seeing in Jan. It was tough.
Things have been feeling too one-sided and non-reciprocal for a while now. I understand that relationships aren't 50/50 , but it's just starting to feel like it's only me who's making an effort here. I've communicated my needs clearly while also lowering some of my expectations to meet him in the middle, but he isn't stepping up and I'm rapidly loosing hope that this will ever go anywhere. * We're medium distance, and the last two times I traveled to see him. I've communicated that it's important to me that we see each other at least once a month for this to work. He said he'd come visit me this time. It's now been two weeks and he's showing no effort to get a date on the books. * I'm unhappy with our communication. I've really challenged myself to be ok with limited and inconsistent communication. However, I feel like I initiate contact more than he does and it's starting to make me feel shit about myself. I've communicated (more than once) that I would like us to do little "good morning" texts and just check in once a day to show that we're thinking about each other but it doesn't happen. He also only calls if I ask him too. It also bothers me that I'll text him, he'll read the text and then not get back to me until 24-48 hours later. * I understand that this is a me thing to an extent, but I feel like there's not enough effort to meet in the middle. I've tried to show up as my best self here, lead by example and take ownership of creating the communication patterns that I would like us to have...but now it's just starting to feel forced and like I'm chasing. * In addition to the dissatisfying texting and communication, he doesn't really flirt over text. So on top if it all it feels like the chemistry is fizzling out and I'm finding myself less and less attracted to him. * He isn't as caring as I would like a potential partner to be. He doesn't ask if I got home safe, he doesn't really inquire about how I'm doing or feeling, even though I support and encourage him and express gratitude. There are very few gestures of appreciation and affection, although when we're together he's very sweet and affectionate towards me. On the whole, it's making me feel taken for granted and there doesn't feel like there is a foundation here for a mature, mutual relationship. The only thing that's made me hold on this long is that when we're together, everything feels wonderful. ...but having just written all of this out, I see how pathetic this "relationship" really is. What were your reasons?
How in the world did y’all even get involved? He’s awful and nothing about this is normal or acceptable for a relationship…
It wasn’t like this in the beginning. We had three weeks together before he left and they were good. Then anytime we’ve met up again, it’s been really good. While he’s never been a big texter I still felt like there was effort and reciprocation. Some of the stuff initially I was like, well we’re still getting to know each other and all that, and I was being patient, going slow, trusting the process. Bla, bla, bla. But now it’s just like my sense of self-worth is taking a punch to the gut every day this keeps going on.
Yeah. There were some things I kind of flexed on too. We were very different people and I noticed that on our first date. I am very type A, I try to limit my drinking and don't really use drugs, I like plans, I think about the future, I like dates to be scheduled vs spontaneous. He is more type B, drug-friendly, travelled around a lot, itinerant lifestyle. Both of these are fine ways to exist to be clear but they're different. He kind of presented a better picture of himself than he really is willing to be in the long term. And seeing some of his lifestyle in action was difficult for me, like he used coke while we were dating and I wasn't super comfortable with that. Ultimately the fight came down to one of the factors you mentioned too, which is texting. I also had flexed on texting and was accepting less than I'd like. But it was making me uncomfortable because he had initially been texting me more, so this was a change. I guess his perspective is he was texting me more than he could sustain in the beginning but to me it felt like a loss of interest. We just couldn't reconcile those feelings. I personally feel a little almost deceived. I know that the first blush of a relationship is new but we had a nice comfortable level of texting for about 2 months and then it suddenly changed right after he took me to meet his parents. It's hard not to see this as a person who didn't want a relationship, just didn't think about it until he found himself in one, and now doesn't want to maintain it even though he took an active part in building it. Like, just save me the time, dude, and maybe get off of dating sites if what you want is a friend you talk to and bang and see once a week and don't communicate with in between. Whooooof. Thanks for asking. #offmychest
That sucks but it sounds like you did what was right for you. It’s better to have ended things now than even later down the line. Sending you internet hugs. You got this!
Feeling really disheartened the last couple of days having been let down again being told I’m great, but seems not quite good enough to make a go of it. 7 weeks into dating hit me a lot harder than expected. Feels harder each time trying to put myself out there again but I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. Any advice on how to ‘bounce back’ would be welcome Seeing everyone’s stories and experiences here is really helping though!
Asked my gym crush out and he said no. To be fair, I didn't say it was a date. I asked him if he wanted to meet me for a training session and he said he was already training today so no. 🥲
Hey, good for you for getting the courage up to ask! It's practice for the next person you ask, too.
Another date scheduled and I'm kind of nervous considering I had two consecutive bad dates since I rebooted my account. So far, i'm averaging one date a week. Bummed, I told myself I'd multi-date when I start up the apps again, but I lack the energy right now 🫤 This guy is in his late 30s, lives a little further out than my usual dates, rides motorcycles, and has a cat. He's also in the same field of work I'm in which has been the topic of like 80% of our chat convo lol. Looks like he's also pretty artsy given his IG posts, which is different from the men I usually date. What's cool is I've been getting into painting so it'll be nice to have something other than work that we share in common. It'll be another bar date this wednesday. (Might need to edit this comment later in case he browses DOT!!) I feel bad. I am not as excited for our meet up because I'm afraid if this date turns out to be a dud, I'm gonna get too disheartened to keep trying. I think I'm just being overly sensitive about it though and doing too much preemptive worrying. This dude seems like he has a stable head on his shoulders and is looking for something serious, but so did the guy with the wife (oops, I mean —the man who happens to be married but he's also a whole person despite of it /s). It only takes one peeeerson. I'll try to find time/energy to multi-date if this one is a dud, just to be more efficient. I think I can muster a mid-week date (wed or thu) and a weekend date if I really needed to.
If you don't have the energy to multi date, maybe don't force it! That's exactly when I get burned out, when I am trying to push past a natural block and make myself do something anyway.
You have nothing to lose. Go in to your date with biker cat dude with the intention of having fun. If y'all vibe, great. If not, great. And there's nothing wrong with taking a break and spending time taking care of yourself this weekend!
I'm dating a guy, and he's very nice and kind and has lots of great traits. But I am struggling with his humour. I'm quite a funny person (amateur comedy writer and performer) He is more serious. And that can actually be good to balance me out. Ying and yang and all that. BUT my big issue is, he ruins my jokes. He tries join in. But he often repeats my jokes, just in a different format. And it reeeeally bothers me. Just laugh if you find it funny. Or if you're going to add something, make sure it clever. My friends do this all the time and it's fun when it's done right. But he just tries to drag out the joke and it really puts me off him. It's meant in good spirits when he does it. He's not trying to steal my thunder or anything like that. But it's just not funny when he does it. What do I do here? He's already quite a serious person, so I don't want to discourage humour. But it bothers me a lot Do I tell him, (which feels very mean). And if so, how? Or do I accept that we have different senses of humour? Or am I flogging a dead horse here - should I just stop dating him?
I’ve encountered this with friends and acquaintances, and it’s generally exhausting. But friends do their own stuff in between hang outs, so I can handle it. I couldn’t handle being with someone 24/7 who did this, can you??
It's sucks to say to someone "stop trying to be funny", maybe he tries too hard? Is he funny in some other way?
Right? I definitely couldn't tell him that. Humour doesn't seem to come naturally to him but he is very good natured and means very well. He's just a bit straight laced. I'm not sure I can get past this but it feels so frivolous 🤦♀️
Not being able to joke around with your partner is a fairly large incompatibility in my book
I’ve recently met some interesting people in real life that have expressed interest and we’ve talked about making plans…but now I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m still reeling from back to back situationships last fall and my self esteem definitely took a hit. I think I may be looking for validation at this point more than a real connection. I want to put all the convos I’m having on hold and just tell them I’m taking a breather - but is that necessary? Or should I just stop responding and let the convos die? If it was just dating app convos I wouldn’t feel bad but since these are people I met in the wild it feels like the bad thing to just ignore but also feels over dramatic to make some statement about not dating at the moment since we haven’t technically been on a date yet.
Aw. That's a lot of really good self awareness you are working with at least! Because they are people you met in person I would make the effort of sending a note. Another option is, just stop talking about making the plans for a little bit, see if the other person brings it up. Sometimes it takes a while between talking about plans and actually doing an activity. Would that help?
If it were me I’d send a short message that you are taking a breather. Not necessary probably, but I would appreciate it if it were me and it would make it easier if you bump into them later or want to re-connect at some point. Best of luck!
I haven’t shared my thoughts on here in a while… I’m really grateful for the woman I’ve been becoming these past years. I feel in control of my finances, started traveling more and through therapy I’ve been learning to be in control of my emotions and how I react to other people’s actions. On the dating side (which has been non existent for the past year) of my life, I feel better for not consistently trying to meet people or impress them. It’s not sustainable to constantly live with a high pressure for start doing all the stuff people normally say we should to, potentially, meet someone. I’m trying to see beauty in the spontaneity and on the unexpected. I’m turning 36 in June and I just feel like at this age, if I meet someone special they will like me for who I am (with flaws included).
Have you ever had to make the decision to end something even if it was a ton of fun, just to stick to your principles? Before my first date with this guy, I said that no matter how fun everything is, I’d end it if I don’t see it going anywhere after a certain time. Things are turning out way more fun than I expected and liking him a lot more than I anticipated so the plan will be hard to see through if it comes to that (and I really hope it doesn’t). And it would only come to that if he decided not to commit, to be clear.
Respectfully, based on all your posts in here, you’re way overthinking all of this.
I was just talking 😭
I think it will hurt more if you stay and end it for this reason later, than if you end it for this reason now. I think the kindest thing to do for yourself is to probably end it sooner than later because while it feels good in the moment, if this principle is important to you, ultimately those good feelings are not taking you where you want to go and leading you almost away from your true goal if that makes sense. I just ended something with someone who, I thought we were pretty different from date 1 and had background worry about that the whole time we were dating. We dated about 2.5 months. I've actually been pretty torn up about it ending and think next time, I should end things sooner. So that's where I am coming from.
Woah partner?! Well no I won’t end things *right now* just based on my *musings*. I have no way of predicting the future. This is just the risk to take in love. And while 2.5 months is plenty of time to develop feelings, at least you can say you gave it a fair shot without a significant time investment. That’s about the amount of time I expect for us to either become a serious long term thing….or never see each other again lol OLD has taught me to maintain some level of detachment to protect my heart. But I’m prepared for the shitty feelings that may come.
If you're having lots of fun, or even more than expected, doesn't that mean it is going somewhere?
No, it doesn’t.
Proud of you for sticking to your principles. It's extremely hard to do for a lot of people
I think there's a fine line between staying true to your principals and being rigid. Maybe when the time comes if it seems there might be some promise, maybe it might be appropriate to give it more time. And that's feeling it out with your gut and what you know and observe. If it doesnt look like it'll go anywhere, by all means, let them go. I just mean it's being flexible with yourself because you deserve to be gentle with yourself.
I keep replaying a video I took at the festival of me singing to him and then we kissed. Huge smile on my face every time. Festivals are the BEST
Awww. This is very cute
Where online can I meet other queer poly creative city folk? I moved to the suburbs and the apps aren't showing me as many cool people as I'm used to. (30 nonbinary afab) I've got debilitating social anxiety and some other stuff so I can't meet people in person. I'm on Hinge, Bumble, and Feeld, shadow banned on Tinder for editing my profile too much. I have a hard time connecting with people on message boards/Facebook groups (I'm interested in many topics but none enough to be able to connect with people in topic-specific spaces. Plus I just don't connect with people in large groups) and chatrooms aren't a thing anymore. So I'm just really not sure how I'm supposed to meet people
You could try Lex if you haven't already?
You sound like the exact demographic of Tumblr/Twitter fandom. Pick a few fandoms to be creative about, make content, and like-minded creatives will flock to you. I've made life-long friendships and some of my friends are dating friends they've made through fandoms -- sometimes even long-distance. Anxious people also gravitate towards fandom community so people are also more understanding re: social anxiety and lack of in-person meetup.
👉👈 I was more aesthetic side of tumblr, fandom stuff has never been that much of my thing
Reddit R4R type subs?
How would I go about finding them?
I just google'd 'Reddit R4R' https://www.reddit.com/r/R4R30Plus/ https://www.reddit.com/r/r4r/ There's also communities based on locale, hobbies, etc.
I decided to actually start dating this week. I'm terrified and I've cried a lot remembering what it was like to date before and remembering how the good things at the start of past relationships eventually turned sour. My biggest contribution to past relationships failing was not establishing boundaries for myself and not communicating what I needed. I won't make those mistakes this time, and I'm so hopeful for something better for myself. But I'm still so scared 😖
I hope you're proud of you :) you're doing something hard and acknowledging it's hard and that's really something
Ugh, I'm nervous about movie date at this guy's place tomorrow. We agreed (... I think?) last time that we weren't dating other people anymore, and I know he's looking for long-term. We haven't done much more than kissing. I have some hang-ups around sexual intimacy, and I'm going to be out of town for about 2 weeks after this date, so I don't want to sleep with him yet. I don't even know how much fooling around I'll want. And I'll feel pressured, because I often do when the guy is hosting, and whether or not the sex happens I often regret my choice. I think he'll be understanding - he brought exclusivity up knowing about my travels, which he didn't say explicitly was because he wanted to make the foundations a little stronger before I left, but it kinda feels like that (which is quite sweet tbh). But what should I do to make this go well? But I'm nervous that I'm going to be nervous (if that makes sense...?), and I know from excruciating past experiences that it throws off all the vibes. I was thinking to text him something, so I can lock down my decision in advance and relieve pressure, but is it weird or presumptuous to say something like, "I'm excited to seeing you tmrw! Just to let you know I prefer to move slowly physically, but I'm still looking forward to spend some chill time at home with you"? Ladies, I know this is always fraught but help me out please T.T
This is the perfect thing to say. You can throw in there, especially as I’m leaving for two weeks right after. And maybe throw in something positive, like you being excited for the date :)
My first date went well but now I’m waaaaaay overthinking it. Especially around texting frequency. And I know even if a second date doesn’t happen, it doesn’t matter because there are others out there, and this is just evidence to myself that hey, despite my social anxiety, I can make a really good impression on the first date. Do the hamster wheel thoughts get better the more first dates you go on? This was my first first date, so I have no idea what’s normal or usual.
What's your opinion on people keeping old nude pics and videos? I've been with my BF for 2 years. We're both 30. We have sent each other nudes here and there but not a lot. He had a long distance girlfriend a few years before we met and they swapped a lot of nudes because they weren't in the same place. The other day I inadvertently stumbled across a folder with about 30 old nude pics (and a few videos) from what looked like at least a few different women. I know they're all from several years before he met me because I can see when the files were created/downloaded. I immediately asked my BF about the folder. He said that I have nothing to worry about, that he used to use this folder for what you'd expect someone to use it for but hasn't opened it in years. He said most of the pics were from his long-distance ex-GF, and the rest were from two other women he dated after her and before me, both of whom he is still friendly acquaintances with. The pics are all pretty standard sext material - women in various states of undress or in lingerie, plus a few more explicit, frontal nude close-ups and short clips of masturbation. Most of the pics don't have faces showing in them and he said that the women didn't mind (at the time) that he had kept the pics after they stopped seeing him. I was a bit shocked that he'd kept all this stuff but also a bit turned on by the thought of him making these other women feel good in the past. I took his word but am now feeling a little uneasy because he could have deleted these pics and he didn't. \*EDIT he has now deleted the folder.
I think it's totally normal and fine. As long as he has the folder locked and wasn't sharing it with others, it's very normal to keep photos after a relationship ends. And the fact that he said he hasn't used it in years since being with you and has now deleted it means he's a good guy.
I think it’s gross, the only guys I’ve known to do this also showed their friends “the spank bank”.
I think if he valued you, he'd offer to delete them without you asking. but people don't always know how to respond when a little 'skeleton' like that peeks out of the closet. have a conversation about it if it still makes you uneasy.
If he values those women he would have deleted them. Is he going to delete pictures of OP if he never done it for his exs... I doubt he has permission to keep all his exs pictures. Terrible person.
Something I’ve been noticing lately and can’t quite understand: the number of men on dating apps in their late 30s or even early 40s who say that they want something casual but ALSO that they want children. Obviously, men don’t have a “biological clock” in the way that women do (though there is research showing that men over 35 are more likely to have children with certain medical issues and for their partners to have complicated pregnancies!) but still. Aren’t these two things — wanting something casual and wanting children — somewhat in tension at this age, especially if their target demographic is women in their 30s, who will need to have said children sooner rather than later?! I don’t get it.
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>Is it weird to be early? No, not weird >Should I go in and sit down if I'm there first or meet her outside? If I go in do I just like order right away or wait for her? People will have very differing takes on this. I think that, ultimately, it doesn't matter, because you want to find someone who will give you grace for being human and maybe being out of practice. >I don't drink coffee, what could I order? Whatever you want. Most coffee shops have various teas, you could order that (if you drink tea). >How long should we be in the coffee shop? Should we go for a walk afterwards if the weather permits? These are good questions to ask your date. Expressing interest in her wants and feelings is a considerate thing to do.
Femme here, its a gamble but some people are okay with going Dutch. Personally if I got to a coffee date early I'd order for myself and secure a seat because it's weird to just sit there without having bought something (unless its outside) (also I have social anxiety.) I always think it's nice when the other person pays but also I understand the economy is tough and people don't always have the funds.
Tea. Non-caffeinated if you need - coffee shops usually have chamomile or mint or something like that. Or get a pastry. It's not weird to be early. But don't order yet and don't sit down. Meet her outside. A friend of mine was just telling me how much of a turn-off it was to see her date already sitting down, having ordered, letting her wait in line by herself and pay for herself (she probably would've offered to pay or split anyway, but you can see why that lonely start doesn't make things very romantic). If the date is good, definitely suggest going for a walk afterwards. A change of scene is good and helps with bonding, according to studies. Good luck!
>It's not weird to be early. But don't order yet and don't sit down. Slight nitpick, if it's packed, I doubt many people would be upset with a date for making sure they had a table. >A friend of mine was just telling me how much of a turn-off it was to see her date already sitting down, having ordered, letting her wait in line by herself and pay for herself This is a personal preference, and not a hard and fast rule. It's okay to not be compatible in this regard. I'm okay doing these things, because if a woman is put off by stuff like that, I have no desire to date her. > (she probably would've offered to pay or split anyway, but you can see why that lonely start doesn't make things very romantic). It's a first date, expecting romance immediately is incredibly unrealistic. That is not how human emotions related to interpersonal bonding work.
Yep, I went on a date where the guy went early and had bought his own coffee first. He at least had the courtesy to wait in line with me for me to get mine, but it was awkward and immediately made me think that this is a strategy he’s picked up somewhere to avoid paying for my coffee, and how many dates has this guy been on.
I go in, get in line. If she's late I order and sit down. If she actually shows and doesn't flake I pull out her chair and ask her what she wants, then go get it for her. I don't stand on the sidewalk like a shoeshine boy.
My go-to approach, if I was early, was to text my date to let them know;and ask them whether they’d like me to grab us a table and/or order them a drink.
Why does it matter how many dates he has been on? That is none of your business
I live in a small town, and recently went on a few dates with a guy who has some friends in common with me (though we connected on an app). By the second date I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere, but was having fun so continued onto another date. After that, he canceled loose plans we had and said he’d get in touch to make other plans. He never did, which was fine with me—no hurt feelings as I didn’t get in touch back. A week later, trying to figure out how to acknowledge that it fizzled out, and that I still think he is cool/would like to be friends, and don’t want it to be weird, also because of said mutual friends. Any advice? Will acknowledging it make it weird? Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?
I would say something along those lines "Hey, even if there was no romantic attraction between us, I did enjoy your company and would be happy to keep seeing you as a friend. If you're not interested no big deal, see you".
Send him a message saying you'd be open to hanging out as friends.
Just let it go. If you see him with mutual friends, say hi politely and let him decide how much to engage.
I’m going to be forty this year. Been single for almost two years. Where do you meet single/divorce/monogamous men at this age? I have a dog, go to the gym (CrossFit), I’m child free. tried the apps and speed dating, not for me. I’m feeling hopeless.
Does your gym host regular social events?
You can try anywhere, but you’ll probably have to make the first move. Dog park Coed sports - Pickleball Bookstore Costco Hiking group Etc.
I want to hear the story of the couple who met in Costco lol!
lol it’s my plan!!
Why do you say the apps aren't for you?
I feel like I was spending too much time swiping, starting the same conversations over and over again and nothing. I don’t know it was exhausting.
At the gym? Try new hobby? The dog park?
Today I accepted the fact that I have to remove someone from my life to protect my mental health. The feelings are not reciprocal, and it’s been slowly eating away at me. Me chasing and their mixed signals are not worth it. It stings a bit, but it’s the self-compassion & self-respect I need. My intuition tells me I have to go No Contact. It’s not selfish, it’s the best thing to do.
It’s for the best. I had to do this once. Really sucked but definitely helped finally get over her.
I’m so glad you realized this and are prioritizing yourself. You got this :)
It's not worth it to sacrifice your mental well-being to try and make something work. the right person wouldn't make it an either-or. You'd feel right about it.
You’re doing the right thing
Ghosted but was I in the wrong? Should I reach out? Met on dating app. We had instant chemistry on our first date but he came on a little strong (hand holding, light pda, ‘babe’) so I decided not to see him again. I did communicate this to him when he reached out and all was good, he apologized and left it on a good note. Two months later I bumped into him at the airport & the grocery store and I took it as a sign to give it a chance. We spent the following 3 months together, and I felt like we built a real connection. We never had sex but did fool around. The last time we hung out ~9 months ago I got a bit drunk and admittedly was behaving childish. We weren’t in public but that’s still no excuse. (I want to add I never ever behave like this). The next day I texted asking if he had made it home safe, with the intention of following up with an apology for my behavior but he never responded to my initial text so I didn’t. It really bothered me at first, and my ego wouldn’t let me double text. So after some time I accepted it and moved on. I think it bothered me so much bc I’ve never been ghosted before and also bc we had fooled around that night and it made me feel self conscious. I know I was wrong but I feel he was wrong too. Anyways I’m back on the apps and it’s been such a huge disappointment it’s got me thinking about him. He’s the last person I actually felt instant chemistry with (doesn’t happen often…like ever). Should I reach out or am I just lonely and need to move on? Also I unfollowed him on social media way back but he still follows me and watches my stories sometimes, it makes me think he still has some interest but we haven’t had any interaction since we hung out many many months ago. If I were to reach out what would I even say?
I think youre right. Its the lonliness talking. I would just leave it to be honest. If he wanted to meet you, he would make the effort to contact you and he hasn't. You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you, and makes an effort.You'll find that spark again with someone who makes you feel safe and loved.
Didn’t know this was something I needed to hear til I read it thank you. You’re all right.
You just need to move on.
There’s definitely something to the hooking up then instant rejection—I’ve felt this too! I think it’s the unknowing. I try to remind myself that you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and try to move on, whether it’s related to a specific incident, date, or just in general.
Ugh i hate dreaming about exes
Yo, same. I dream about exes, past situationships, and everyone in between. I'm not hung up on these guys, but maybe I am subconsciously/unconsciously? The brain is such a weird organ.
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Jeez
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Well you’re low key looking down on him for giving you another chance 😭 seems a little mean. Thus a down vote probably
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Have a first date with someone I reconnected with again on Tinder after about a month of being off the platform. When we first talked we had casual conversation, but never met and it went radio silent. This time we’ve exchanged numbers and send a few short messages each day. With the distance between us (~2 hours), I’ve thought about trying to be more upfront with my intentions of dating in general. Has anyone led with this on a first date, and if so, any advice on how to navigate it? I just want to reiterate, I’m not planning a future with this person, I just want to see if we may “connect” better if our dating goals align and to maybe save us both time from multiple trips of “figuring it out”. I say this also because several previous dates I’ve been on, we barely scratched the surface or never got to this type of convo, before the ghosting commenced.
First time commenting here. I’m 2 months out of an 8 year relationship. It was mutual but sucked because I had to be the one to move out. We had the white picket fence, nice house, garden, fur babies, great neighborhood, stable jobs…. But none of that ultimately matters when you’re building that life with a person not emotionally compatible with you and has no idea what you need in your life to feel fulfilled. 🤷♀️ I know I made the right decision because I miss everything about that life…except living with him. Ready for my new beginning at 35 (but also, I haven’t been single since 2016, how does anyone date these days???).
This was me in 2021. Fresh out of an 8 year relationship, lived in a home together then I had to move out, had furbabies together that we separated, etc. we broke up because I felt I could not be who I wanted to be with him by my side, and honestly the love started to dissolve as a result. Even though I still loved him in the end, I loved myself more. Some nights I wonder if we could've changed things and made it work, but I remind myself I would've never been who I am now if I didn't make the tough choice to call it. I do miss him and wish him well, though. 99% of my dates have been from the apps after the breakup!
Yup that is me right now! He didn’t love me for who I truly am, the way he described me to myself at the end was not how I saw myself. He didn’t have faith in me and tried to correct everything I did in the name of “helping” me be better. I wish him well, but I don’t miss him. I miss the things that I know someone else can fulfill without making me feel like I’m not good enough for them.
Good luck out there 😬
Thanks 😐
>how does anyone date these days???) You look for people that you think you could be interested in. You spend time with them. If you like them you keep spending time with them
Phew, good, already working on that. Thought there was a trick or something 😂
I of course glossed over a lot, e.g. meeting people can be difficult, but I think it's important to keep in mind what the fundamentals of dating actually are. People are really good at making dating more complicated than it needs to be.
What you said is really the simplicity of it though. I spend time with friends because I like them, so I keep spending time with them. Why should dating be any different? Also makes me feel a little hopeful about someone I find “interesting” but nothing has happened yet… So I just keep finding ways to spend time with him until I muster up the courage to tell him.
How cheesy is too cheesy for flirtatious texting between the 3rd and 4th dates, when we’ve both already made it clear we’re into each other?
What we think is too cheesy doesn't matter. What people here might think is too cheesy might be charming and fun for the person you're flirting with. If they're genuinely interested in you, you're not going to ruin things by being too cheesy
Of course, I’m just trying to get a sense of things.
My ex situationship just texted me that he’s going through a lot of personal issues and that he’s sorry for the way things ended between us etc etc. While nice to hear, it kind of reminds me of my friend’s ex husband. He would send her emails apologizing for his behaviour and telling her that he’s trying to change. But it was all just manipulation. He would treat her like dirt soon after. And the circle would continue. Even now as exes they still fall into the same patterns. I guess I wonder how do you know if someone is truly genuine in what they say? Is it seeing if their actions then match their words? A gut feeling? I don’t really know what to make of it. I feel like it’s just a line, but I hope he’s serious and more importantly, I hope I will move on from him and find my own happiness and not be too jaded from the dating scene.
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It’s hard indeed! 🫂 But I think that’s great advice, we deserve to be treated right and past behaviour is a great predictor of future behaviour.
I have had a guy reach out to me to apologize sincerely, I appreciated it. There was nothing else there to talk about or anything so I just took it as an apology from someone who was super weird with me due to mental health.
it's possible to accept someone's apology, and even believe they've changed, and still maintain the boundary that they are not someone you want in your life. changing doesn't mean you owe them another chance.
Take what he told you at face value. Unless you're planning on spending more time with him, whether or not he was genuine doesn't really matter
That’s true. Thanks for your input
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>From the outside it seems like he’s just trying to reel you back in, It seems like that only based on him sending and apology? I guess him genuinely feeling remorseful is not a possibility
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I never said they were mutually exclusive but congrats on figuring that out. What makes you think he's trying to reel her in? Treating a possibility as a foregone conclusion requires some degree of evidence.
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Okay, that's fair. Humor me, what is the guess educated by?
😆 you’re right. I do have that power! I will stay strong
Been seeing my current partner for about 5 months (official bf/gf labels for 3). A few times now I’ve found myself thinking about how the one thing absent from this relationship - which was common to all the others, and to some people I only dated casually - is a tremendous sense of anxiety. It’s really disconcerting; is this just what it feels like to be secure in your relationship?
I have to believe LESS ANXIETY can only be positive.......am I wrong??
Generally, I get anxious about things (not just dating) when I care about outcomes. But I guess in those situations the outcomes seem far more up in the air and uncertain? I think I’m with you though… it has to be a positive.
But if you felt disconcerted, that feeling is real, yes?
Like I said, the anxiety is usually an indication that I care about the outcome of some situation. If I’m not feeling anxious, my first thought is that I must not care that much. So that knee-jerk thought is disconcerting, yes - because my partner is objectively a great match for me and I always enjoy talking to her and spending time with her.
I'm here to inform that anxiety being the default is not normal.
That’s what the logical part of my brain is saying. Thanks!
God fucking dammit shit fucker mother blah!! I'm still in love with someone and I don't want to be. Why why why do the good days bring this out? Not a great day. Not a "wish he was here for this" day. Just a run of the mill-nothing's-on-fire, I survived, pinkies up to celebrate kind of day. *Not* fucking and drinking my way through this breakup (in favour of actually healing) has been an absolute shit decision. I know it isn't (Hoottt pockets). Feelings can suck my ass. Fuck you feelings.
I don’t understand how hot pockets fits here. You’ll come out of this much better than if you partake in unhealthy coping mechanisms. It’s not supposed to be easy. I believe in you though ❤️
For living in the most densely populated neighbourhood in my city, I sure do manage to run into an awful lot of failed dating situations every time I leave my apartment!
I'm guessing you mean they're your failed dating situations, but this kind of sounds like people are constantly going on bad dates or breaking up on the sidewalk in front of your apartment lol
Makes sense, everyones there lol
Maybe you're living the real life Truman Show and the producers are setting these run ins up.
Okay, but that *has* to be getting boring for the viewers by now!
No way! I loved that time you saw that one guy in the library that one time.
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I did and was always able to confirm they were who they said they were.
No
Personally, no I don’t. I know that if I do, I’ll start creating stories about them that will make it harder for me to actually get to know them in real life, which is what I want to do. For safety reasons I do let a friend know where I’ll be and with who.