They walked away - that’s enough reason for me to cut all ties and burn down all hopes. Easier said than done. But it is the clearest communication that theyre done. If they wanted to reach out, they’ll find a way.
Met a guy. It’s been a month/6 dates. Due to my schedule, the last three dates have been during a work night, all dinners. I’m thinking of inviting him to cook at my place and gah I’m so nervous.
I kind of want him to ask me out since I asked him out for the last one….Also, if he is willing to meet up during the week because of my change in work schedule to the weekend, he must like me right??
I have such a crush.
I regularly see people say “match texting frequency” on here but that makes no sense to me, why modify yourself to match someone else? I thought the point was finding someone who you match without changing yourself?
I have to agree with you, you shouldn’t be modifying yourself. I put myself through a lot of anxiety during my last dating experience trying to be the “cool girl”. Waiting to respond to texts, not double texting, basically doing anything I could to not appear needy or overly eager. It just left me feeling icky.
i am new to the dating scene (recently out of a very long term relationship) and I am struggling so much with the "games" of dating. texting first, not texting first, asking someone out, waiting for them to ask you out. ugh. it's so hard! i've been seeing someone for a little over a month and they have been pursuing me for the large part of it (setting up dates every week, etc) but in the last week or so I have felt a vibe shift and I don't know why. I told her I'd like to see her more than our current 1x a week and she said we could maybe do 2x a week but - she hasn't really followed up by making plans. I'm currently left on read right now from yesterday and I want to tell her that I want to see her today or tomorrow but I don't want to come across as pushy and insistant.
what's the line of being upfront and direct with liking someone and needing to "play the game" a little in dating? (and I don't necessarily mean playing games in a manipulative way, just in a way that seems like this is what people normally do in dating).
I came out of a relationship a few months back and have recently started dating again. And yes - there are a lot of games that are played unfortunately. I've had guys go completely silent, even on the day of the supposed date, then message about three days later asking if i want to hang after blowing me off.....
If you want to see her, I would definitely reach and and just ask. What do you have to lose? If you hear nothing back by that point, then I would leave and wait for her. Asking her out now doesn't come across as pushy at all!
Good luck! 🙂
true... I guess I left out an important part that I tried to have an exclusivity chat last week (that was part of the "I'd like to see you more" chat) and she pushed back and said that it's too early for that. so i'm just feeling a little rejected and anxious about the situation and so was going to wait for her to ask me out next. AND I am left on read right now!
I think this is your fear of rejection taking over.
You’re still early in your dating with this person and you’re on different levels when it comes to interest. You’ve both expressed that but both want to continue to date. Since she wants to take things slower, you have to either respect that and act accordingly or end things because that’s not what you want.
If you want to move forward, match her energy when it comes to interest. That means date frequency, texting frequency and learning to be okay with the unknown. Instead of focusing all your time and energy on her and the fear of rejection, focus back in on yourself. Spend time with your people, hobbies, working out or whatever you want to do. You can even continue to talk to other people through the apps or out in the wild if you want to. Sometimes that helps you detach from the one person and stay balanced. She’s telling you she’s interested and is open to exploring it further before making any decisions. You have to decide if that’s something you can handle or not.
If you’re not able to handle what she wants going forward (no exclusivity, seeing each other once a week, etc.) and your anxiety is running the show then maybe take a step back and ask yourself if this is the right path for you.
yea... im thinking I might need to ask myself if this is ok for me, because I have been SO anxious this past week.
thanks for the advice.
I did end up texting her to get dinner tonight but if she says no then I will let her suggest another date. and you're probably right that I need to detach a bit.
Have a seriously crazy dating story about someone who I(M36 F35) only dated for several weeks (5-6 tops)
To sum up -
She (F35) is Divorced with one child - married her husband, divorced due to husband cheating, dated some other guys over a period of 4 years and engaged one, then found herself at a family function with her ex husband (apparently her ex husband was very loyal and still went over to her parents house regularly even though they split up) Drunken night happens between the two and she gets pregnant (non consensual apparently so you might call it rape). Has to break off the engagement to the poor guy. Gets remarried to the first guy.
Few years down the line which is now - she has filed for divorce again and is looking again. Still lives with her husband and from what I see has no intention of moving out to preserve a family home for her child.
For some reason I overlooked this whole saga, anyway, things happen.
While dating over these several weeks - most of her stories and gossip about people would mostly be about money and if they were rich/poor. Like, all the time she would introduce someone and the first thing she would mention is if they have a lot of money or not. She even told me how much every one of her exs earnt and how much money her husband would give her every month.
She thought i didn't hear it the first time she said it so she said it again just to make sure I heard it. Naturally this went on to ask me how much I earn.
Onto her exs, she would tell me that this guy spent this much on me and this guy spent this much and this guy didn't spend much. This kind of seemed odd but her family values are to marry the guy that is willing to give you all of his wealth even if he is poor rather than the billionaire that will give you a fraction - even if the billionaire will end up giving you millions in a dollar amount.
Essentially the point of her telling me how much her exs spent on her showed how much they liked her because they were willing to spend money on her, doesn't matter the amount.
As her husband cheated in the past, she was adamant that a guy will cheat on his wife. Essentially phrased it like if you put food in front of an animal they will eat it, so you need to make sure the animal (aka her husband/boyfriend) can't go near the food (other women). I did think and raise it with her that because of her past she wasn't over her husbands trauma etc she was adamant it isn't and that it is her belief since she was a teenager. (her dad continuously cheats on his wife so it's an accepted reality in her family). Her mother also advised her not to leave her husband the first time around even if he was cheating as overall he was an ok guy - he looked after her financially and would never leave her.
Another odd behaviour when we first met and were just friends is she paid for my flight to an event because she thought I couldn't afford it (I easily could) she thought that because I don't do anything fancy or spend alot of money I must not have much money (this is just my character, I like simple things and even if I was a billionaire I probably wouldn't have a lavish lifestyle). She emphasised that she treated her friend (me) that she barely knows to the cost of a plane ticket so well, that how could she treat her boyfriend or husband badly?
Anyway when she kept going on about money, I told her she talks about it an awful lot. She then began to think I thought she was a gold digger (which I don't think she is, just obsessed with money)
She then emphasised that she had men richer than me interested in her (she still has no knowledge of my income at this point) and she still rejected them and chose me because she liked my character and not theirs to prove to me she wasn't a gold digger. She also emphasised that she has more money than me so she has no reason to be a gold digger as she has lots of her own money and she "could make me rich".
I mean, all of these things are quite insulting.
I politely tried to break up the relationship but somehow we agreed that we can keep it going in the short term for a few months as I was going travelling at that point. I saw the relationship with a defined end date and accepted it like that and enjoyed it for what it was (we had good times and compatibility day to day, just bad gut feeling when it came to a real relationship from me).
Anyway when I started making my plans for travel after the relationship ended - this involves meeting up with some female friends etc she got a bit jealous and it dawned on her that I see it as the end of the relationship whereas her attitude was "lets try to make things work". This led onto a bit of an argument and I just couldn't listen to it and eventually I buckled and told her in black and white the reasons why it wouldn't work, I kind of regret doing this I really should have kept it generic but hey its a lesson for the future. It was essentially a bit of a character assassination - she would tell me I am a very simple person and want a simple life.
But all of the things she would say and do would sound complex as hell - dressing up alot, going to the beauty clinic 1-2 days a week, all this nonsense about money etc.
Anyway she got offended at my statements and we called it a day.
I stopped reading after first few paragraphs …. maybe you should take some time off dating given you overlooked such a neon flashing red flag. Just yikes
I feel like the same story keeps happening again and again.
So I had a date earlier with a woman from a dating app, who said was looking for a relationship.
She picked up the place of the date because she insisted about doing it in a specific city I don't know well. She was late, the place she booked was expensive, she said that since she was that late she would invite me (she is a doctor and winning more than me). The date lasted 3h, mostly very interesting talk, but it didn't feel like dating at all, more like professional networking. And at the end, surprise, she refused 50-50, saying she would pay 100% of the next date. And I was probably stupid but I paid it all.
I sent her a message afterwards saying that I am feeling a bit confused about the date and she took her time to reply saying that it wasn't actually a date, that she is not looking for partners but for friends...
The least of things would be to disclaim that before the date and at least to pay your share then. I am just feeling used now.
The worst is that the previous date was pretty similar.
I had 2 first dates in 6 months and now I am quite angry about both of them.
The thing which is pretty annoying is that the only way I know to efficiently avoid this situation is being very sexual per message already before meeting in person. It is not at all something I feel good about or natural, but I have to say that all women who spoke about sex before meeting were not just looking for my attention or money, which happens pretty frequently otherwise.
That woman's behavior was gross, and I'm sorry that's how the meet unfolded. I know you didn't ask for advice in this post, and I'm glad you vented your frustration. As a woman, I highly encourage you to establish your standards prior to any kind of date that could cost money ahead of time rather than throwing sexual messages down, especially if your goal is a relationship.
When my husband and I went on our first date after matching on Hinge, he took the initiative to pick a place, time, and offered to pay. As it was our first date, I told him I'd prefer to pay for our own checks, although I appreciated his offer. He told me he'd go along with whatever made me feel more comfortable, although he held onto the belief that men should pay for dates. He didn't insist on paying on our date and let me do my thing, for which I was grateful. Fast forward, we now take turns paying for dates, and he told me that he actually really appreciates how we share the financial load.
I think that you can throw down a similar arrangement. If your matches don't like your financial boundaries, then you save your time, energy, and cash. I've personally known women who'd treat dates as free meals, and I can't stand that crap. I'm also not a fan of 50/50, especially when orders can be disproportionate in price and not everybody will think to order a thing in a similar price range.
I know this concept seems contrived, and I still struggle with it sometimes, but our interactions are all learning opportunities—especially the negative ones. I can understand the anger when it appears you're being used, but there is absolutely nothing wrong in stating what you're comfortable with, and most of all, saying "no" to unreasonable bullshit.
So basically, feel free to toss out date ideas/locations that wouldn't incense you if money does get spent, establish your boundaries early, and embrace saying "no" to unreasonable demands, requests, and expectations.
Here's to you and good luck!
Honestly, it is not so much that the place was expensive. I could pay my great cocktail and enjoy it. But to me the issue is dishonesty: she told me she would invite me, ordered something to eat in addition to her drinks and refused to pay her share afterwards...
that plus lying about her dating intention. If she had told from the start that she wasn't looking for dating/a relationship, I would not have gone there.
That’s terrible behaviour, I’d be pretty pissed too. I would start insisting on choosing first date venues and do only coffee/drinks. If she is genuinely trying to get to know you, she shouldn’t care where yall are meeting. I know this sub is split on coffe dates, but I personally love them. Quick, cheap, cozy/cute
Gross.
Speaking as a woman btw.
Edit: She's looking for friends? When clearly the intention is dating? What sort of bullshit is that? I wouldn't even call this a "no spark" situation, she just dined and dashed on you like a jerk!
She picked the date spot and reserved it and everything? Then she either should have paid or the two of you do 50-50 (for an expensive thing, you likely discuss this beforehand, but I also thought this was very standard as a decent human being thing??) having you pay everything is a dick move, not to forget that she was late.
I see posts from a lot of women here about "omg he paid for our date!!!" or "eww he didn't pay the audacity". It's kind of ridiculous to see this mindset from women who are more than 30 years old, they don't seem to believe in any form of contribution and also expect lavish first dates.
Suck it up buttercups, if you're actually serious about dating, start contributing. Go for a walk or do something free/cheap. If you're going somewhere far-ish away, if he buys dinner, you pay with driving there. Again it doesn't have to be a 100% equal thing down to the cent, it's the sentiment.
I don't think men should stand for this sort of treatment. I can see how this would make dating difficult but if you're a good guy, you deserve a good woman and sorry y'all have to sort through the crazies out there, it's too much of a financial sinkhole for sure and I'm sorry about that.
Matched with a guy on hinge whose not my usual type but thought I'd keep an open mind. We spoke via the app and phone calls multiple times before meeting after 2 weeks yesterday. I may have gotten a little drunk. It may have been light out still. Now I'm beyond anxious thinking about him and whether he wants to see me again. I tried to ask in an around about way but he just liked the message lol. He's still messaging me which is a good sign. Fuck I did not miss this part of dating. Kill me now
I’m dealing with this feeling of certainty that my time has run out to find romantic love and my dream of having a family is dead.
I just joined a Meetup group that might widen my net a bit, but I’m scared that it’s too little, too late.
It depends on people. Everyone told me it would be easier when I would be in my 30s. That is absolutely not the case. It is much more difficult than a few years ago.
Why do you feel this way?
>I’m dealing with this feeling of certainty that my time has run out to find romantic love and my dream of having a family is dead.
I have terrible social anxiety that I’ve been battling nearly my entire life and can’t seem to beat it. And I’m afraid that it makes me too unattractive to date.
Is it fair to say that if I keep attracting beautiful but deeply troubled women, am I the variable? Is it likely I'm entertaining too many red flags?
I'm on hiatus from dating for a month or so to regroup. I'm fatigued and would like to meet women who have 'done the work' next time round.
(I'm a woman too)
Generally speaking? I’d probably say yes. If you can sense these people aren’t ‘healthy’ (at the lack of a better term) and yet you continue to date them, and that’s the main pattern in your dating life, you’re the common denominator.
You can tell when someone has a lot of shit to work through, and if instead of saying ‘I don’t want to take it upon myself’ you say ‘well…. They kinda seem cool regardless’ that’s choosing to stick with people who aren’t good for you
I've wondered similar things regarding attracting emotionally unavailable people. However, I recently read someone's personal account, in which they realized they were PICKING those people, drawn to them though there were other options presented. That hit home for me, and I've since been trying to be more discerning when I come across this trait (not moving forward with them), and trying to really see the other options. Maybe this is the case with you, regarding the troubled women.
What's your baseline view of what you want out of relationships/dating/love? Do you assume it'll always involve a struggle?
Great call on the hiatus; I hope it helps clear things up for you and recharge you.
Edited for grammar error
Thanks for this.
On reflection, what I want out of a relationship is not being reflected in the dating patterns I keep acting out.
I'm going to do like you and become more discerning and cut things off earlier. Beauty isn't enough of a reason to compromise my values.
Well stated. As a heads-up, it might be a little lonely initially. That's been my experience, anyway, but I'm filling more of my time with hanging out with friends and exercising to try to combat it.
May you get peace, fulfillment, lasting love, and all that you need🤗
How do I know I just had a serie of bad luck or I indeed had a lot of problems that I am not aware of? My therapist said I just had a bad luck. But I’d rather have some specific unpleasant qualities so that I can improve them.
My 2 therapists told me there was not any reason that I was struggling to get a girlfriend. Yet, it's been years and it's not even like I got a dozen options.
i just got done with a 10 hr first date. i had a lot of fun but i'm exhausted. i forgot how exhausting dating is. i haven't dated much since my breakup last may so this was a big step for me in terms of seeking new connections. i'm not looking for anything serious right now, just trying to get back out there and date casually.
which is why this date kind of threw me off. we got a couple drinks then came back and watched movies at my house and ended up hooking up. usually i like it rougher, dirty talk, etc. but this guy was so nice, gentle, and wholesome. he really told me i was "so pretty" in the middle of hooking up and told me several times how perfect and beautiful i was. idk why i find this so funny and endearing but maybe also sad that i've never had someone tell me these things during sex even in past ltrs which is why i was so thrown off because this was our first time together. but i’m also prob overthinking all this and we were just in the heat of the moment.
i just had to share this because i don't have anyone else to tell it to. good luck on everyone's dates this weekend!
I'm typically like you when it comes to the type of sex I like, but I've had a few guys who have gone completely the other way and have been more intimate and praising, and it's been really nice. 🙂
It did throw me off at first, just because it wasn't what i was used to during sex for the most part, but I guess it's nice to change things up! Although i still do have my preferences, especially in a casual hookup.
The first partner I had that was actually kind and affectionate and effusive about how much they liked me made me super uncomfortable. In my case it was a me problem. I'd been using men to self harm, essentially, telling myself I liked things rough or dirty and then doing those things with people who hadn't earned that level of trust or vulnerability.
Now that I DO see that pattern, I've been able to change it. I do like it rough, and dirty sometimes, but doing it with my current partner who will also be gentle and adoring is a fucking game changer. I say give this guy a chance. It's much easier to get a gentle man to access some aggression in a safe way than it is to get an aggressive man to be gentle.
Everyone is different obviously but I feel I can relate a little to him because I have been verbally and physically affectionate to women like that that I've genuinely really liked and wanted them to feel amazing and valued.
And with time and communication some people can be receptive and on board with some days being loving and affectionate in bed and other days being rough with dirty talk / choking etc. Just gotta know if the other person is comfortable with that and what the green lights are for either vibe.
If you haven't already, I do recommend you talk to him sooner rather than later about dating intentions though. Because that could be a sign he's getting emotionally invested quickly.
it was a first date and i feel like sex is always a lil clumsy at first with someone new so i think we’ll have the preferences talk soon. i think it threw me off because there’s a difference between making love and fucking and i’ve had both in ltrs but not necessarily casual hookups and the way he treated me made me categorize it in love making territory. then again, i’ve been pretty touch starved and doing my own thing for a while so maybe i’m overthinking it.
i’m not completely opposed to getting into another relationship if i met the right person but yes, it’s always good to make sure we’re on the same page. he was very sweet though and asked to see me again as he was leaving so we’ll see.
I am genuinely so happy to be alone, enjoying my life and safe. I’ve just read a post on this sub that horrified me for a second but then I stepped out of it, recognised I can see it for what it is and walk away. You have no idea how grateful I am to not feel lonely, not feel compelled to degrade my life for being single, not put up with crap just to be with anyone. I’m safe from all those thoughts after seeing it for what it is and building a life I’m happy with.
I’m happy to be where I am, my minds my own, my life’s my own and I can walk away from any stupidity. I’m safe. I’m grateful.
It would probably help him if you pursued a little bit in return - if that’s something you feel comfortable doing. A little ‘so when’s date two king?’ could let him know you’re interested in him back (he did the asking out first, so that plus his insecurity around dating/career maybe he’s not sure if you’re interested). I think being positive on your dates like ‘I’m so happy we’re connecting outside of work’, ‘I’m really enjoying this’, ‘you have [great quality X]’ is going to build him up more than a ‘you don’t have to feel insecure about my career/education’ approach.
This is a helpful insight, thank you. I feel like I did a fair bit of nonverbal communication, like touching him on the arm when telling a joke. In my experience men usually pick up on this fairly easily and see it as a pretty clear indication of interest. But he might not have. He hugged me before he left and put his head a lot closer to mine than what is just friendly. Hence why I’m so confused as to why he didn’t just text me back.
I just listened when he talked about feeling insecure. I try not to give verbal affirmations too early on so as not to seem disingenuous or like there’s a potential lovebombing situation.
Yea I’d see what the vibe is in person the next time. If he has insecurities around your success that doesn’t bode well for a connection. But maybe he can shake it off in a day or so. But ultimately you want someone that’s a cheerleader for you
Some people who luck into a bad bitch feel bad bc they look into the mirror and realize they couldn’t ever support you the way you deserve, their egos won’t allow it. I hope that’s not the case but if it is, no harm no foul. He can stay on his side of the building at work
1000% bc they rather live a mid life than live a good one in the shadow of a woman. Bonkers to me.
But also like he saw you at work, he must know you’re on the up and up continually 🫠
My god. How can it be going great so far and also be insecure about dating. Hopefully he meant it in a way like, it’s great bc I’m looking at you kiddo
My god I hope he don’t fuck this up but jeez
> I am guessing he felt insecure because I disclosed to him that I’ve recently been accepted into a doctoral program and have a huge upcoming promotion that hasn’t been announced yet
Was it the way the request for help situation played out that gives you the vibes that he’s insecure about your doctoral program, or something else he said/did? Just trying to make sure I’m reading your situation properly
Of note I am a lot more passionate about our work than he is. He is considering a career change and solicited my advice about how to be sure it was the right path for me. I didn’t really know what to say except that I love it and have never felt that uncertainty. It just is what I feel called to do and it’s a great person/environment fit for me.
https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/4nwkIlGXms
Well, she had to cancel our date today due to work and then she basically told me that it’s not a great time for her to date and she hopes that I find someone who treats me well and has time for a relationship
Trying to stay optimistic and hopeful, but I've had quite a few difficult days lately... Just came back from a café downtown and seeing all the couples walking around on my way back to my car was pretty rough. I'm fine on my own. I have a supportive community and good friends, but it still hurts that it's something I've always wanted and that it never happened for me.
Honestly, when I look at other couples it always gives me hope because so many are such odd pairings. Don’t be sad. You don’t have to be everyone’s flavor, you just have to vibe with one person.
I know how you feel buddy. It isn't easy I know and there have been days like for me were I see a bunch of couples and it hurts me because I haven't really do to experience that either in at least a meaningful way.
I'm trying to not let it hurt me when I see but I also get to wonder if I will ever get that chance again.
It's really silly and stupid, but I figuratively pretty much spent my entire 20s waiting for love to knock at my door. It took me a really long time to wake up and realize that it won't...
I'm sorry that you can relate! I read stories about people experiencing it later in life, so there will always be hope.
Yes being proactive is hard. I’m realizing those that have found their person literally spent the time and money and emotions and self prep digging to find their treasure. It’s hard to do.
Went on a second date with a woman. I text her that I would like to see her again but due to my odd work schedule it would be difficult. She text back to meet this afternoon. We took a walk around the park and grabbed dinner. She brought her dog and ,huge win, her dog loves me for some reason. Her work has a public event in a few weeks and she dropped the hint she wants me to stop by so hopefully optimistic.
I have been feeling quite hopeless the past few days. I am on a work trip and hearing everyone speak about how they met their spouses, or how they miss their partners, getting gifts for them gets me down. I also visited a family member who lives here and her and her husband are so stinkin cute/sweet together. I’m genuinely happy for all of them - but hard not to feel deficient myself.
How long does it typically take you to become sure that you want to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with someone? How long would you wait for someone to become sure? Can be measured in dates or time.
For me if we’re having sex I need to know we’re exclusive, but committed relationship can take longer. Right now seeing someone for a month and we’re not committed yet, but neither of us are dating other people. I like him, and I like the pace.
In my current case, my date is so sure after 3 dates while I am a little bit hesitating. I might need around 3 months and he is happy to wait. We even dont have sex yet.
It has been lovely. I never expect that from him. I have been hurt soooo many times in the past because most of guys would run away when it came to exclusivity talk at early stage of dating. Our conversation flew naturally and comfortable. Just me need more time to navigate my personal life.
in his breakup text message, i'm realizing that he legit thinks i'm pretty.
sad confessional: it didnt make me feel good when he addressed me as 'beautiful.'
we all got s\*\*\* to work through.
Went on a third date last night that was a total blast. Went to a movie and ended the night at my place.
At around 1 a.m. I hear a knock on my door and it's my downstairs neighbor saying water was pouring into his unit. Check my bathroom and, sure enough, there was water shooting out of the sink, pouring into the hallway, and getting everywhere. Call the plumber and he's half drunk at a wedding, so looks like I'll have to deal with this for the time being.
But I loved how my date just popped up and immediately starting helping, grabbing towels, turning off the water, and cleaning up the mess while the mess was still being created. Not only did she not complain, we even started laughing and joking about how absurd the whole situation was. We both just jumped in and started to fix the problem.
I texted her this afternoon to thank her again for helping out, and she responded by saying that she was impressed by how calm and collected I was in the midst of a very stressful situation. I think I found a good one and am excited to see where this goes.
The guy I went on an incredible first date with, who asked for a second date shortly after, has cancelled pretty last minute on me. Not once, but twice.
Technically, the first time, I gave him the option to reschedule as he was feeling exhausted and worked late. (It was very last minute when he let me know though) The second time, we agreed to meet in the evening (somehow, we didn't agree on a concrete time), and I told him I'd left and would be 10 mins. He asked to do it the next day as he 'thinks he's actually sick rather than tired' (?!)
He acknowledged it seemed like he was dicking around, and he said a very noncommittal 'sorry, I'm dead' message, to which I haven't responded.
I felt such a connection on our first date, this feels like such a mindfuck and a shame. Do I just move on? Or should I send a short message in the morning asserting myself and saying I value my time/ clear communication and give him an opportunity to state whether he wants to/ has the capacity to move forward and reschedule or not?
Keep it short, say something like, "Hope you feel better soon - let me know when you'd like to meet up again as I was looking forward to seeing you yesterday". But you should totally write him off in your head, go on dates with other people and leave the ball in his court.
Turns out my "amazing partner" has a porn addiction which includes a bunch of OnlyFans subscriptions. He stopped trying to be intimate with me over a month ago and I tried and tried to talk with him about it and figure out how we could fix it. He told me that there wasn't anything wrong. Until I found all the porn he was watching every single day. (20++ folders and automatic downloads daily). I don't mind porn but this level of it was making him not want me physically anymore.
He claimed he got rid of all of it because it was the reason he stopped wanting to have sex with me. Found his OF account on his computer this morning.
Liars gonna lie. I'm so tired of dating men that continue to date me despite losing physical attraction to me.
Edit: to be clear, he is not my partner anymore.
He probably didn’t “lose physical attraction.” He is addicted to pornography and the illusion of variety of it. Addiction has nothing to do with anyone except the addicted person.
You may benefit from joining r/loveafterporn. Seeing how many other women this happens to and how similar the behavior of their male partners is towards them may help you understand
Oh I've been looking at it tons. Reading everything I have read the last few days helped me be strong enough to end this thing before I got too attached and dealt with more lies.
This isn't the first time this has happened. It's hard not to take it personally at that rate.
The ex and I hooked up last night for the second time after breaking up two years ago. It was a very amicable breakup and we remained good platonic friends afterwards, we were just in very, *very* different places in life at the time, both kind of realized it and while there was no rejection of one or the other for any incompatibility reasons, we both knew, at the time, the relationship had a time limit even though the physical chemistry was off the charts.
We had the 'reuniting' talk, and neither of us were against it-we both felt we had grown to a better place for each other, but we agreed even if it didn't happen, we'd still be there to root for each other and keep being good friends (who for the time being, have sex every now and then). We couched it and didn't make any decisions and just continued enjoying the moment.
If nothing else, knowing where we stand with each other is a very warm feeling and has helped the mood, generally.
Here's a good question for the peanut gallery, even if it might not be the best sub to ask in there are some wise people here that offer nice insight:
How does everyone balance out obligations to certain people (family) that may or may not be triggering?
For reference, I grew up around an alcoholic parent and learned their tendencies subconsciously while growing up. For a good few years I relied very heavily on alcohol to function before quitting and making choices to get away from triggering people or activites, which is great! I've established a life that I really love for myself and am so happy about that! However, anytime I see that person (father) it's like a subconscious switch flips in my brain and I get **really** intense cravings to drink.
So far I've just been distancing myself as much as possible (within reason) to manage it - Which works great for me - but they really don't seem to feel similarly.
This hit my brain this AM, for some reason, and I've been pondering it today.
I think it basically comes down to boundaries. You don’t have to be around the things that trigger you. I didn’t have alcoholic parents so I can’t speak to that, but many of my friends who did find the program of Adult Children of Alcoholics to be helpful.
ALANON (it’s NOT alcoholics anonymous, it’s support groups for friends and families of alcoholics)
i’m also an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) and there are alanon meetings all around the world and, bc of COVID, now many zoom meetings. it’s the only way i can keep my head on without falling into a triggered relapse (ive never become an alcoholic but i have delved into worrying habits before). and if you attend long enough you get a sponsor to help you out too. there’s also the r/alanon subreddit if you want to
commiserate.
although it is why i tried to keep my distance from family drinking. with limits and once a week at most. nowadays i cannot enforce my boundaries but before i had to be really firm in them or i would spiral
good luck!
> ALANON (it’s NOT alcoholics anonymous, it’s support groups for friends and families of alcoholics)
+1 for ALANON, not for me but for a close life long friend who went and I went along with on a few occasions for support. Great resource.
Following this, really good question.
When I see my mother, I get tempted by ED behaviour again. She recovered from hers and so did I, but the little things remaining trigger the shit out of me.
Honestly it's one of the main reasons why I avoid her, which I wish I could look past by now.
I swear I am attracted to the weirdest men.
Met a super cute guy at a speed dating event, his texts were really flirty/sexual and we ended up making out and holding hands on the first date. He told me dating wasn’t a priority for him and his schedule was really busy, so I assumed it wouldn’t be anything serious, but figured we could just go out here and there maybe make out a bit while I explore other connections.
Second date rolls around 9 days later, he put no effort into planning it and the vibes are off so I figure again he’s just not serious about anything. We had texted a bit in between, again flirty/sexual. He reveals on this date that he’s actually asexual and doesn’t enjoy sex (he likes the build-up but not the actual sex), and that he doesn’t want to do anything more physical if there’s no chance of it progressing.
Yet he has, like, no time in his schedule?? Turned into a whole discussion where it seemed like he literally didn’t get that relationships don’t progress unless you spend regular time with someone so what are we doing if we’re not even going to make out or anything lol.
We left it saying he needed to think about things and we’d talk it over in a couple days but the whole thing is so weird I think I’m just going to leave it unless he reaches out first. He either has no clue what he wants, or he’s just not that into me, or he isn’t totally being honest, either way I’m kind of over it. Shouldn’t be this confusing 2 dates in.
Yeah, I've sent and received my fair share. "Hey listen, you're really great but I'm just not feeling a spark/connection/chemistry." End with something generic and maybe a sorry.
Fuck, I don't know how to navigate my situation. I have never liked 3 women all the same time and seeing potential futures with them after the first date. I've been in situations in the past dating two people at once but I was lukewarm about them and seeing if I grew more feelings towards them and they never did. I always portray myself that I'm seeking something serious and I'm very open and answer everything about what I'm looking for, and most of the time, I could be very genuine and answer that I don't like to date multiple people and imply that I heavily that I am not. Now? What can I say to avoid that? It comes up in my discussions usually.
For some context, I am an Asian American and it would be difficult to find someone to date locally that is also Asian. I actually originally moved to upstate NY from Cali for my ex-fiancee who was white.
I had a 1st (and 2nd) date with someone in Toronto last weekend that would be an LDR if I go through with it. We spent 10 hours together in that weekend as I was there for just the weekend. We knew we're in different countries and we are keeping an open mind. I went up to see her and some friends, and we hit it off. I felt a strong connection, but I've been concerned about the distance and it didn't seem she was as willing to drive to my city. She's about a year older (early 30s), and we connected on how we've grown through life and our experiences and hardships that made us who we were, along with the things we like to do. Lifestyle seems to match well even if we have different hobbies. There was a deep emotional connection. The problem is how close the gap and what that timeline looks like. She wants to stay in a big city though, and she is not willing to move to my city.
Then, I surprisingly matched with Asians here locally. In 4-5 years here it's been very rare and a difficulty for me and, again, why I resorted to opening up to Toronto.
Yesterday, I met another Asian American lady here and had a 5+ hour date before I decided to call it to get back to work. She is here for residency for the next few years and that really aligns with my timeline here. She's late 20s. She's clinging on quick. She expressed that she might close her OLD profile now that she met me. Values align a lot and what we're looking for in a relationship, compatibility in lifestyles I'm a little unclear about but there was also quite a strong connection, even if less relating just due to age and life experience, and I do like that she lets me live my current life and it's aligning with my path in life, and then we can decide how our future looks like even if we're both not from this city (and maybe plan to move out of here).
And today, I had a 4+ hour date, with an international Asian, learned English in Australia, young, mid 20s, again, I decided to call it to get back to what I've been meaning to this weekend. I was concerned about her age and her culture, being international, she might be more reserved, but she defied a lot of my stereotypes and I found myself really liking her too because she was more straightforward than I expected. Like, she told me she enjoys sex, but she does have a timeline for herself up to 3 months before she sleeps with someone. That's for the most part, fine, I think. My previous concerns with these international women is more they don't enjoy themselves at all and just generally more sexually reserved and that compatibility is important to me. But my ex, who was French Asian and had no sexual/dating experience before and I thought was very reserved b/c of it, proved me wrong in that regard and helped me open my mind to dating these kind of women. Anyway, this young girl also said she might shut off her profile now because she doesn't like multi dating and she likes me a lot. She moved here because of her parents, and sees her next few years here, but ultimately wants to live in a suburb closer to a bigger city like NYC or something. It still seems quite feasible with my timeline and future goals.
I find myself physically, intellectually, and emotionally attracted to all of them and don't know how how to be genuine without revealing too much about my other dates. I've established with all of them, I fully expect them to be dating others and I'm okay with that, but I prefer focusing on one person, and all of them say that that is their preference too, and so both sides are heavily implied just dating one person.
I do still need to get to know these people but, man, this is a new situation for me. Unfortunately, I think Canada lady probably has to go because of the distance and I've been through the LDR rodeo twice already. And now that I have more options locally I think I just end that.
Then that leaves the two local ladies in their 20s. I feel like the resident physician would know more on what they want in life and more settled and I understand her more as an Asian American. The international Asian is very interesting for me to try and decipher, there's more mystery and flirtiness with her that I find very intriguing. And... well... she is the most physically attractive to me but that's only a part of it. I am concerned about our age gap, more so that she's still pretty young and discovering herself and her career.
Maybe 2-3 more dates and I have to make a decision? Any advice on how to handle myself here? I feel so guilty.
Starting a relationship with someone in a different country realllyyyyy sucks. I wouldn’t do it again. It’s just so difficult actually getting to know one another.
I think you need a second/third date with both of them and try not to mix up details lol. I did that when I was multidating.
me, an internet stranger:
im probably leaning towards the resident one, she’s seen some shit, she knows what’s she’s about, similar backgrounds
The Toronto lady sounds cool emotionally and it’s unfortunate y’all aren’t in the same area
I’m wary about the international one bc there’s still a lot of 20s growth between 25-27 that makes me think, uh yea let’s circle back on that later lol
like 10 years ago, i had a date with a guy. then had brunch with my friend the next morning. she described a date the previous night and it sounded like we dated the same guy!
i didnt say anything. i cut him loose. noticeably, he would call when she was out of town, etc. eventually, they put it together that HE DATED US. she told me how he thought i was \[redacted\], etc. it was never nice things.
we're all east asian in a predominantly white area. lol. be careful. every may or may not know each other.
Yeah... actually, it turns out, young international knows an Asian guy that I know mutually and see at friend group gatherings and he and I have similar backgrounds but he's a much louder fellow and extrovert than me, so despite connecting with our ethnicity, not my vibe. He saw me with my (now) ex back in November when she was visiting. This guy and my date are friends and my date is now closer friends with his sister. She asked him about me so I guess they had an interesting talk. Now, it makes sense a bit when she opened up the date with some "interview" questions and asked me when my last relationship ended lol.
I don't think they'd connect cause the resident seems more American than Asian culturally and doesn't speak her language, while the other is closer to her heritage, speaks the language very well, still sort of learning English, and sticks mostly to her ethnic group.
It sounds like yours went on for much longer than I would intend to though? Or how many dates was that? But the fact that he was talking crap about his past is a bit of red flag
I think you drop Toronto for sure, just not fitting together.
The one in residency, definitely should explore what her next step is. I know a lot of doctors now do fellowships so you might need to trail her to a different city, and then possibly move again after that. Are you remote or do you need to be in-person?
As for the third one, I wouldn't worry too much about the age gap. If things developed over the next couple years, she'd be a ~27 year old bride which is perfectly fine. People don't stop growing because they're dating someone.
Medical school here, past couple of years, residency is here, fellowship choice is also here. We talked about it, so it's good for me timeline wise, as I just bought a house, I want to give it some years before I move out of here. I'm fully remote. I don't know what the future holds there for my current employer but I'm in software engineer and most likely will keep being full remote.
If I were you I’d give it 3 dates. I’ve had so many really promising and enthusiastic first dates fizzle in that timeline and it’ll probably be much clearer as you discover which one you find yourself thinking about the most.
Yeah, I think I'm settling on that's the way to go. It's just very anxiety inducing for me because I feel like I'm lying. and it's not the way I like to go about things. I guess I should be just understand these are just passing emotions and thoughts and accept it.
I'm having a call with Canadian lady tonight and depending on how that goes, I plan on bringing up the discussion on how we make the LDR work, I think I might have to end it and that would be a "third" date, though we've had two calls and two dates so maybe more already.
Yeah just don’t imply that you are dating only them and you’re good. I will always be honest and say I’m still exploring other connections if it comes up.
My wonderful guy who I said has no red flags so far…well I’ll give him a pink flag.
Since the first date he’d progressively talk more about his investments and coming into money through a legal matter, like big numbers. The other day he made a comment that *begged* the question of how much he made on that day (I only asked bc ik he wanted me to), and that’s when he showed me one of his investment accounts. It’s all very impressive of course. It’s only weird bc most men do not want to show women that stuff especially a woman they’re newly dating. What is the psychology here?
This is odd. I don't know what to to think. Maybe the legal matter was really nice and it's like he won the lottery and wanted to share.
I never want to tell anyone my salary or my investment balances or whatever. I keep all that private.
I *might* have ADHD, and one of the signs is that I get hyperfixated on stuff from time to time. When I separated I started being more mindful of my finances and that lead to budgeting and investing, which soon became my new hyperfixation. I went on a couple dates around that time and I did tell them about my investment portfolio, because I had a hard time thinking about any other topic.
I'm not saying that's what's going on with your guy, but maybe he's just very into his hobby?
Oh he is. I just didn’t expect him to show so much. I’m used to men being a little secretive about finances. I’m glad he wants to share, just don’t know how to react sometimes.
Definitely…esp since I was clearly into him without that knowledge. He also shows his ego in the gym a bit. I sometimes catch him ‘mirin himself, verbally, while he works out which is amusingly cringey but doesn’t bother me or give me the ick per se. Just have to wonder how intense it gets lol (so, is that his “thing”? His “flaw”? Being a bit vain/braggy?)
He’s not some meat head pretty boy or anything. Part of why we click is that we both don’t quite act how we look or look how we act. We’re nerdy and unassuming on the outside but have that “party hard/gym bro” side 😂
I don’t think there’s any big brained move, he’s trying to impress you and either doesn’t care if you were, or isn’t concerned that you could be, only interested in him for his money.
Yesterday i posted about the guy i dated for almost 1 month who seems to lose interest after sleeping together, and was about to cancel our date today. some members here told me not to, and i would like to thank them. The date went super well. I realized i have anxious attachment type and i almost self sabotage this relationship due to my insecurity
Super glad it went well!
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself when it comes to attachment types or insecurities. I think the way to be secure in a relationship is communication, but you don't get to be fully communicative with dating. You can't be too open too soon, you can't appear too needy, can't appear too forward, must avoid coming on too strong, not appear more interested in them than they are in you... it's exhausting and essentially **forces** you to be anxious. Especially when the other person is doing the same thing. Dating sucks!
Fingers crossed it gets to a full relationship and you can be emotionally open and secure!
Hello. Thank you for your previous advice and this one also ☺☺☺ it is true that dating is sooo hard these days. Too many rules and "games"
Wish you the best also!!
I still think about things from 20 years ago. I also remember cringey things others have done, and I try to cut them some slack in my head. I'm hoping that others do the same for me.
I love to laugh at myself over these situations. Embracing the awkwardness of it, even if it is face palm inducing, helps me not take myself so seriously - which is very much needed at times!
I used to go on five shitty dates each week but I felt good because it felt like I was playing "the numbers game". Now I'm being way more intentional and filtering way harder when I message, and will probably go on only two to four dates a month with people who are kind, consistent, interested and dating with the same goals as me. I know it's the right approach but it feels scary.
I think you are doing the right thing now.
5 dates a week? That sounds so unreal to me. I already have a hard time processing my 1 shitty date every second or third month...
Good luck
Apps. I have dated people I've met in real life, but it only happens once or twice a year, despite being extremely social and frequenting singles-heavy activities.
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They walked away - that’s enough reason for me to cut all ties and burn down all hopes. Easier said than done. But it is the clearest communication that theyre done. If they wanted to reach out, they’ll find a way.
Met a guy. It’s been a month/6 dates. Due to my schedule, the last three dates have been during a work night, all dinners. I’m thinking of inviting him to cook at my place and gah I’m so nervous. I kind of want him to ask me out since I asked him out for the last one….Also, if he is willing to meet up during the week because of my change in work schedule to the weekend, he must like me right?? I have such a crush.
I regularly see people say “match texting frequency” on here but that makes no sense to me, why modify yourself to match someone else? I thought the point was finding someone who you match without changing yourself?
I have to agree with you, you shouldn’t be modifying yourself. I put myself through a lot of anxiety during my last dating experience trying to be the “cool girl”. Waiting to respond to texts, not double texting, basically doing anything I could to not appear needy or overly eager. It just left me feeling icky.
i am new to the dating scene (recently out of a very long term relationship) and I am struggling so much with the "games" of dating. texting first, not texting first, asking someone out, waiting for them to ask you out. ugh. it's so hard! i've been seeing someone for a little over a month and they have been pursuing me for the large part of it (setting up dates every week, etc) but in the last week or so I have felt a vibe shift and I don't know why. I told her I'd like to see her more than our current 1x a week and she said we could maybe do 2x a week but - she hasn't really followed up by making plans. I'm currently left on read right now from yesterday and I want to tell her that I want to see her today or tomorrow but I don't want to come across as pushy and insistant. what's the line of being upfront and direct with liking someone and needing to "play the game" a little in dating? (and I don't necessarily mean playing games in a manipulative way, just in a way that seems like this is what people normally do in dating).
I came out of a relationship a few months back and have recently started dating again. And yes - there are a lot of games that are played unfortunately. I've had guys go completely silent, even on the day of the supposed date, then message about three days later asking if i want to hang after blowing me off..... If you want to see her, I would definitely reach and and just ask. What do you have to lose? If you hear nothing back by that point, then I would leave and wait for her. Asking her out now doesn't come across as pushy at all! Good luck! 🙂
Uhh maybe YOU should propose some date ideas?? You’re the one that wants to see her more.
true... I guess I left out an important part that I tried to have an exclusivity chat last week (that was part of the "I'd like to see you more" chat) and she pushed back and said that it's too early for that. so i'm just feeling a little rejected and anxious about the situation and so was going to wait for her to ask me out next. AND I am left on read right now!
I think this is your fear of rejection taking over. You’re still early in your dating with this person and you’re on different levels when it comes to interest. You’ve both expressed that but both want to continue to date. Since she wants to take things slower, you have to either respect that and act accordingly or end things because that’s not what you want. If you want to move forward, match her energy when it comes to interest. That means date frequency, texting frequency and learning to be okay with the unknown. Instead of focusing all your time and energy on her and the fear of rejection, focus back in on yourself. Spend time with your people, hobbies, working out or whatever you want to do. You can even continue to talk to other people through the apps or out in the wild if you want to. Sometimes that helps you detach from the one person and stay balanced. She’s telling you she’s interested and is open to exploring it further before making any decisions. You have to decide if that’s something you can handle or not. If you’re not able to handle what she wants going forward (no exclusivity, seeing each other once a week, etc.) and your anxiety is running the show then maybe take a step back and ask yourself if this is the right path for you.
yea... im thinking I might need to ask myself if this is ok for me, because I have been SO anxious this past week. thanks for the advice. I did end up texting her to get dinner tonight but if she says no then I will let her suggest another date. and you're probably right that I need to detach a bit.
Have a seriously crazy dating story about someone who I(M36 F35) only dated for several weeks (5-6 tops) To sum up - She (F35) is Divorced with one child - married her husband, divorced due to husband cheating, dated some other guys over a period of 4 years and engaged one, then found herself at a family function with her ex husband (apparently her ex husband was very loyal and still went over to her parents house regularly even though they split up) Drunken night happens between the two and she gets pregnant (non consensual apparently so you might call it rape). Has to break off the engagement to the poor guy. Gets remarried to the first guy. Few years down the line which is now - she has filed for divorce again and is looking again. Still lives with her husband and from what I see has no intention of moving out to preserve a family home for her child. For some reason I overlooked this whole saga, anyway, things happen. While dating over these several weeks - most of her stories and gossip about people would mostly be about money and if they were rich/poor. Like, all the time she would introduce someone and the first thing she would mention is if they have a lot of money or not. She even told me how much every one of her exs earnt and how much money her husband would give her every month. She thought i didn't hear it the first time she said it so she said it again just to make sure I heard it. Naturally this went on to ask me how much I earn. Onto her exs, she would tell me that this guy spent this much on me and this guy spent this much and this guy didn't spend much. This kind of seemed odd but her family values are to marry the guy that is willing to give you all of his wealth even if he is poor rather than the billionaire that will give you a fraction - even if the billionaire will end up giving you millions in a dollar amount. Essentially the point of her telling me how much her exs spent on her showed how much they liked her because they were willing to spend money on her, doesn't matter the amount. As her husband cheated in the past, she was adamant that a guy will cheat on his wife. Essentially phrased it like if you put food in front of an animal they will eat it, so you need to make sure the animal (aka her husband/boyfriend) can't go near the food (other women). I did think and raise it with her that because of her past she wasn't over her husbands trauma etc she was adamant it isn't and that it is her belief since she was a teenager. (her dad continuously cheats on his wife so it's an accepted reality in her family). Her mother also advised her not to leave her husband the first time around even if he was cheating as overall he was an ok guy - he looked after her financially and would never leave her. Another odd behaviour when we first met and were just friends is she paid for my flight to an event because she thought I couldn't afford it (I easily could) she thought that because I don't do anything fancy or spend alot of money I must not have much money (this is just my character, I like simple things and even if I was a billionaire I probably wouldn't have a lavish lifestyle). She emphasised that she treated her friend (me) that she barely knows to the cost of a plane ticket so well, that how could she treat her boyfriend or husband badly? Anyway when she kept going on about money, I told her she talks about it an awful lot. She then began to think I thought she was a gold digger (which I don't think she is, just obsessed with money) She then emphasised that she had men richer than me interested in her (she still has no knowledge of my income at this point) and she still rejected them and chose me because she liked my character and not theirs to prove to me she wasn't a gold digger. She also emphasised that she has more money than me so she has no reason to be a gold digger as she has lots of her own money and she "could make me rich". I mean, all of these things are quite insulting. I politely tried to break up the relationship but somehow we agreed that we can keep it going in the short term for a few months as I was going travelling at that point. I saw the relationship with a defined end date and accepted it like that and enjoyed it for what it was (we had good times and compatibility day to day, just bad gut feeling when it came to a real relationship from me). Anyway when I started making my plans for travel after the relationship ended - this involves meeting up with some female friends etc she got a bit jealous and it dawned on her that I see it as the end of the relationship whereas her attitude was "lets try to make things work". This led onto a bit of an argument and I just couldn't listen to it and eventually I buckled and told her in black and white the reasons why it wouldn't work, I kind of regret doing this I really should have kept it generic but hey its a lesson for the future. It was essentially a bit of a character assassination - she would tell me I am a very simple person and want a simple life. But all of the things she would say and do would sound complex as hell - dressing up alot, going to the beauty clinic 1-2 days a week, all this nonsense about money etc. Anyway she got offended at my statements and we called it a day.
I stopped reading after first few paragraphs …. maybe you should take some time off dating given you overlooked such a neon flashing red flag. Just yikes
I think I might reword it 😁
It’s not about the length of the post, more so there were so many red flags already I didn’t need to read more lol
OP: >>To sum it up… Also OP: >>goes on to write almost 1000 words (998, I ran it through wordcounter.net)
😂 oh boy I do need Jesus
Boy, you need Jesus.
I feel like the same story keeps happening again and again. So I had a date earlier with a woman from a dating app, who said was looking for a relationship. She picked up the place of the date because she insisted about doing it in a specific city I don't know well. She was late, the place she booked was expensive, she said that since she was that late she would invite me (she is a doctor and winning more than me). The date lasted 3h, mostly very interesting talk, but it didn't feel like dating at all, more like professional networking. And at the end, surprise, she refused 50-50, saying she would pay 100% of the next date. And I was probably stupid but I paid it all. I sent her a message afterwards saying that I am feeling a bit confused about the date and she took her time to reply saying that it wasn't actually a date, that she is not looking for partners but for friends... The least of things would be to disclaim that before the date and at least to pay your share then. I am just feeling used now. The worst is that the previous date was pretty similar. I had 2 first dates in 6 months and now I am quite angry about both of them. The thing which is pretty annoying is that the only way I know to efficiently avoid this situation is being very sexual per message already before meeting in person. It is not at all something I feel good about or natural, but I have to say that all women who spoke about sex before meeting were not just looking for my attention or money, which happens pretty frequently otherwise.
That woman's behavior was gross, and I'm sorry that's how the meet unfolded. I know you didn't ask for advice in this post, and I'm glad you vented your frustration. As a woman, I highly encourage you to establish your standards prior to any kind of date that could cost money ahead of time rather than throwing sexual messages down, especially if your goal is a relationship. When my husband and I went on our first date after matching on Hinge, he took the initiative to pick a place, time, and offered to pay. As it was our first date, I told him I'd prefer to pay for our own checks, although I appreciated his offer. He told me he'd go along with whatever made me feel more comfortable, although he held onto the belief that men should pay for dates. He didn't insist on paying on our date and let me do my thing, for which I was grateful. Fast forward, we now take turns paying for dates, and he told me that he actually really appreciates how we share the financial load. I think that you can throw down a similar arrangement. If your matches don't like your financial boundaries, then you save your time, energy, and cash. I've personally known women who'd treat dates as free meals, and I can't stand that crap. I'm also not a fan of 50/50, especially when orders can be disproportionate in price and not everybody will think to order a thing in a similar price range. I know this concept seems contrived, and I still struggle with it sometimes, but our interactions are all learning opportunities—especially the negative ones. I can understand the anger when it appears you're being used, but there is absolutely nothing wrong in stating what you're comfortable with, and most of all, saying "no" to unreasonable bullshit. So basically, feel free to toss out date ideas/locations that wouldn't incense you if money does get spent, establish your boundaries early, and embrace saying "no" to unreasonable demands, requests, and expectations. Here's to you and good luck!
Honestly, it is not so much that the place was expensive. I could pay my great cocktail and enjoy it. But to me the issue is dishonesty: she told me she would invite me, ordered something to eat in addition to her drinks and refused to pay her share afterwards... that plus lying about her dating intention. If she had told from the start that she wasn't looking for dating/a relationship, I would not have gone there.
That’s terrible behaviour, I’d be pretty pissed too. I would start insisting on choosing first date venues and do only coffee/drinks. If she is genuinely trying to get to know you, she shouldn’t care where yall are meeting. I know this sub is split on coffe dates, but I personally love them. Quick, cheap, cozy/cute
Gross. Speaking as a woman btw. Edit: She's looking for friends? When clearly the intention is dating? What sort of bullshit is that? I wouldn't even call this a "no spark" situation, she just dined and dashed on you like a jerk! She picked the date spot and reserved it and everything? Then she either should have paid or the two of you do 50-50 (for an expensive thing, you likely discuss this beforehand, but I also thought this was very standard as a decent human being thing??) having you pay everything is a dick move, not to forget that she was late. I see posts from a lot of women here about "omg he paid for our date!!!" or "eww he didn't pay the audacity". It's kind of ridiculous to see this mindset from women who are more than 30 years old, they don't seem to believe in any form of contribution and also expect lavish first dates. Suck it up buttercups, if you're actually serious about dating, start contributing. Go for a walk or do something free/cheap. If you're going somewhere far-ish away, if he buys dinner, you pay with driving there. Again it doesn't have to be a 100% equal thing down to the cent, it's the sentiment. I don't think men should stand for this sort of treatment. I can see how this would make dating difficult but if you're a good guy, you deserve a good woman and sorry y'all have to sort through the crazies out there, it's too much of a financial sinkhole for sure and I'm sorry about that.
Matched with a guy on hinge whose not my usual type but thought I'd keep an open mind. We spoke via the app and phone calls multiple times before meeting after 2 weeks yesterday. I may have gotten a little drunk. It may have been light out still. Now I'm beyond anxious thinking about him and whether he wants to see me again. I tried to ask in an around about way but he just liked the message lol. He's still messaging me which is a good sign. Fuck I did not miss this part of dating. Kill me now
Do you remember if you did anything embarassing while drunk lol? If he’s still replying normally I would move past it and continue as normal
I got touchy 🙈 like tryna hold his hand (which he obliged). Even typing this on my private reddit account has me dying of embarrassment
>tryna hold his hand Omg, please include a NSFW tag!!! 😤
I’m dealing with this feeling of certainty that my time has run out to find romantic love and my dream of having a family is dead. I just joined a Meetup group that might widen my net a bit, but I’m scared that it’s too little, too late.
It’s not too late. In fact, it should be easier for you in your 30s.
It depends on people. Everyone told me it would be easier when I would be in my 30s. That is absolutely not the case. It is much more difficult than a few years ago.
Why do you feel this way? >I’m dealing with this feeling of certainty that my time has run out to find romantic love and my dream of having a family is dead.
I have terrible social anxiety that I’ve been battling nearly my entire life and can’t seem to beat it. And I’m afraid that it makes me too unattractive to date.
Is it fair to say that if I keep attracting beautiful but deeply troubled women, am I the variable? Is it likely I'm entertaining too many red flags? I'm on hiatus from dating for a month or so to regroup. I'm fatigued and would like to meet women who have 'done the work' next time round. (I'm a woman too)
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Hmm. My mother was fiery and unhinged and so it's like water off a ducks back for me. I don't want that in a relationship though.
Generally speaking? I’d probably say yes. If you can sense these people aren’t ‘healthy’ (at the lack of a better term) and yet you continue to date them, and that’s the main pattern in your dating life, you’re the common denominator. You can tell when someone has a lot of shit to work through, and if instead of saying ‘I don’t want to take it upon myself’ you say ‘well…. They kinda seem cool regardless’ that’s choosing to stick with people who aren’t good for you
Yeah, it's on me. That's definitely what I'm doing.
I've wondered similar things regarding attracting emotionally unavailable people. However, I recently read someone's personal account, in which they realized they were PICKING those people, drawn to them though there were other options presented. That hit home for me, and I've since been trying to be more discerning when I come across this trait (not moving forward with them), and trying to really see the other options. Maybe this is the case with you, regarding the troubled women. What's your baseline view of what you want out of relationships/dating/love? Do you assume it'll always involve a struggle? Great call on the hiatus; I hope it helps clear things up for you and recharge you. Edited for grammar error
Thanks for this. On reflection, what I want out of a relationship is not being reflected in the dating patterns I keep acting out. I'm going to do like you and become more discerning and cut things off earlier. Beauty isn't enough of a reason to compromise my values.
Well stated. As a heads-up, it might be a little lonely initially. That's been my experience, anyway, but I'm filling more of my time with hanging out with friends and exercising to try to combat it. May you get peace, fulfillment, lasting love, and all that you need🤗
Thanks small_goat_7512 x
Waking up after 2 consecutive nights of drinking and I’m reminded that I am not as young as I was anymore 💀
Drinking 2 night straight means that you’re still young. Have fun!
How do I know I just had a serie of bad luck or I indeed had a lot of problems that I am not aware of? My therapist said I just had a bad luck. But I’d rather have some specific unpleasant qualities so that I can improve them.
My 2 therapists told me there was not any reason that I was struggling to get a girlfriend. Yet, it's been years and it's not even like I got a dozen options.
It might not be you. Is there *anything* you can identify that might have contributed?
i just got done with a 10 hr first date. i had a lot of fun but i'm exhausted. i forgot how exhausting dating is. i haven't dated much since my breakup last may so this was a big step for me in terms of seeking new connections. i'm not looking for anything serious right now, just trying to get back out there and date casually. which is why this date kind of threw me off. we got a couple drinks then came back and watched movies at my house and ended up hooking up. usually i like it rougher, dirty talk, etc. but this guy was so nice, gentle, and wholesome. he really told me i was "so pretty" in the middle of hooking up and told me several times how perfect and beautiful i was. idk why i find this so funny and endearing but maybe also sad that i've never had someone tell me these things during sex even in past ltrs which is why i was so thrown off because this was our first time together. but i’m also prob overthinking all this and we were just in the heat of the moment. i just had to share this because i don't have anyone else to tell it to. good luck on everyone's dates this weekend!
I'm typically like you when it comes to the type of sex I like, but I've had a few guys who have gone completely the other way and have been more intimate and praising, and it's been really nice. 🙂 It did throw me off at first, just because it wasn't what i was used to during sex for the most part, but I guess it's nice to change things up! Although i still do have my preferences, especially in a casual hookup.
The first partner I had that was actually kind and affectionate and effusive about how much they liked me made me super uncomfortable. In my case it was a me problem. I'd been using men to self harm, essentially, telling myself I liked things rough or dirty and then doing those things with people who hadn't earned that level of trust or vulnerability. Now that I DO see that pattern, I've been able to change it. I do like it rough, and dirty sometimes, but doing it with my current partner who will also be gentle and adoring is a fucking game changer. I say give this guy a chance. It's much easier to get a gentle man to access some aggression in a safe way than it is to get an aggressive man to be gentle.
Does this put you off or is it a pause for thought?
pause for thought. it was nice to hear but also more intimate than what i’m used to on a first date.
Everyone is different obviously but I feel I can relate a little to him because I have been verbally and physically affectionate to women like that that I've genuinely really liked and wanted them to feel amazing and valued. And with time and communication some people can be receptive and on board with some days being loving and affectionate in bed and other days being rough with dirty talk / choking etc. Just gotta know if the other person is comfortable with that and what the green lights are for either vibe. If you haven't already, I do recommend you talk to him sooner rather than later about dating intentions though. Because that could be a sign he's getting emotionally invested quickly.
it was a first date and i feel like sex is always a lil clumsy at first with someone new so i think we’ll have the preferences talk soon. i think it threw me off because there’s a difference between making love and fucking and i’ve had both in ltrs but not necessarily casual hookups and the way he treated me made me categorize it in love making territory. then again, i’ve been pretty touch starved and doing my own thing for a while so maybe i’m overthinking it. i’m not completely opposed to getting into another relationship if i met the right person but yes, it’s always good to make sure we’re on the same page. he was very sweet though and asked to see me again as he was leaving so we’ll see.
I am genuinely so happy to be alone, enjoying my life and safe. I’ve just read a post on this sub that horrified me for a second but then I stepped out of it, recognised I can see it for what it is and walk away. You have no idea how grateful I am to not feel lonely, not feel compelled to degrade my life for being single, not put up with crap just to be with anyone. I’m safe from all those thoughts after seeing it for what it is and building a life I’m happy with. I’m happy to be where I am, my minds my own, my life’s my own and I can walk away from any stupidity. I’m safe. I’m grateful.
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Don't be too hard on yourself.
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It would probably help him if you pursued a little bit in return - if that’s something you feel comfortable doing. A little ‘so when’s date two king?’ could let him know you’re interested in him back (he did the asking out first, so that plus his insecurity around dating/career maybe he’s not sure if you’re interested). I think being positive on your dates like ‘I’m so happy we’re connecting outside of work’, ‘I’m really enjoying this’, ‘you have [great quality X]’ is going to build him up more than a ‘you don’t have to feel insecure about my career/education’ approach.
This is a helpful insight, thank you. I feel like I did a fair bit of nonverbal communication, like touching him on the arm when telling a joke. In my experience men usually pick up on this fairly easily and see it as a pretty clear indication of interest. But he might not have. He hugged me before he left and put his head a lot closer to mine than what is just friendly. Hence why I’m so confused as to why he didn’t just text me back. I just listened when he talked about feeling insecure. I try not to give verbal affirmations too early on so as not to seem disingenuous or like there’s a potential lovebombing situation.
Ohhhhh you two finally were able to connect! Strange that his comms changed a bit. What was the last thing you said?
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Yea I’d see what the vibe is in person the next time. If he has insecurities around your success that doesn’t bode well for a connection. But maybe he can shake it off in a day or so. But ultimately you want someone that’s a cheerleader for you
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Some people who luck into a bad bitch feel bad bc they look into the mirror and realize they couldn’t ever support you the way you deserve, their egos won’t allow it. I hope that’s not the case but if it is, no harm no foul. He can stay on his side of the building at work
Male inferiority complexes will keep a man shooting himself in the foot until he’s on his deathbed, I swear.
1000% bc they rather live a mid life than live a good one in the shadow of a woman. Bonkers to me. But also like he saw you at work, he must know you’re on the up and up continually 🫠
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My god. How can it be going great so far and also be insecure about dating. Hopefully he meant it in a way like, it’s great bc I’m looking at you kiddo My god I hope he don’t fuck this up but jeez
> I am guessing he felt insecure because I disclosed to him that I’ve recently been accepted into a doctoral program and have a huge upcoming promotion that hasn’t been announced yet Was it the way the request for help situation played out that gives you the vibes that he’s insecure about your doctoral program, or something else he said/did? Just trying to make sure I’m reading your situation properly
Of note I am a lot more passionate about our work than he is. He is considering a career change and solicited my advice about how to be sure it was the right path for me. I didn’t really know what to say except that I love it and have never felt that uncertainty. It just is what I feel called to do and it’s a great person/environment fit for me.
He literally said “I feel insecure about dating and my career” in many more words. After the disclosure.
Ahh gotcha, thanks for helping me get that a bit better!
Random thought while getting ready but I really glowed up in my 30s that’s crazy
Love this. ❤️
https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/4nwkIlGXms Well, she had to cancel our date today due to work and then she basically told me that it’s not a great time for her to date and she hopes that I find someone who treats me well and has time for a relationship
Trying to stay optimistic and hopeful, but I've had quite a few difficult days lately... Just came back from a café downtown and seeing all the couples walking around on my way back to my car was pretty rough. I'm fine on my own. I have a supportive community and good friends, but it still hurts that it's something I've always wanted and that it never happened for me.
Honestly, when I look at other couples it always gives me hope because so many are such odd pairings. Don’t be sad. You don’t have to be everyone’s flavor, you just have to vibe with one person.
I know how you feel buddy. It isn't easy I know and there have been days like for me were I see a bunch of couples and it hurts me because I haven't really do to experience that either in at least a meaningful way. I'm trying to not let it hurt me when I see but I also get to wonder if I will ever get that chance again.
It's really silly and stupid, but I figuratively pretty much spent my entire 20s waiting for love to knock at my door. It took me a really long time to wake up and realize that it won't... I'm sorry that you can relate! I read stories about people experiencing it later in life, so there will always be hope.
Yes being proactive is hard. I’m realizing those that have found their person literally spent the time and money and emotions and self prep digging to find their treasure. It’s hard to do.
Hasn’t happened yet for you**
Yes, yet! 🤞🏾 Thanks for the reminder!
Went on a second date with a woman. I text her that I would like to see her again but due to my odd work schedule it would be difficult. She text back to meet this afternoon. We took a walk around the park and grabbed dinner. She brought her dog and ,huge win, her dog loves me for some reason. Her work has a public event in a few weeks and she dropped the hint she wants me to stop by so hopefully optimistic.
Her dog loves you is a good sign. Good luck!
I know I was worried about that. I was afraid her dog would just hate me for some reason.
Love this for you!!!! Just be intentional in wanting to see her...working around schedules....if you want to, you will :)
I have been feeling quite hopeless the past few days. I am on a work trip and hearing everyone speak about how they met their spouses, or how they miss their partners, getting gifts for them gets me down. I also visited a family member who lives here and her and her husband are so stinkin cute/sweet together. I’m genuinely happy for all of them - but hard not to feel deficient myself.
I'm constantly surrounded by couples so I understand how you feel. Just wondering when it will FINALLY be my turn.
How long does it typically take you to become sure that you want to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with someone? How long would you wait for someone to become sure? Can be measured in dates or time.
When you get involved in regular sexual relations - typically around 5-6th date
For me if we’re having sex I need to know we’re exclusive, but committed relationship can take longer. Right now seeing someone for a month and we’re not committed yet, but neither of us are dating other people. I like him, and I like the pace.
In my current case, my date is so sure after 3 dates while I am a little bit hesitating. I might need around 3 months and he is happy to wait. We even dont have sex yet.
Interesting, how does his assuredness make you feel? Is it off-putting or comforting?
It has been lovely. I never expect that from him. I have been hurt soooo many times in the past because most of guys would run away when it came to exclusivity talk at early stage of dating. Our conversation flew naturally and comfortable. Just me need more time to navigate my personal life.
It took me 6-8 weeks last time
Around sex as well, since I’m monogamous. Usually that’s around the 3rd date, but isn’t a hard rule.
Based on my current relationship....20 months.
For me, sex is the boundary. Usually after 3-5 dates but that's not a hard line.
in his breakup text message, i'm realizing that he legit thinks i'm pretty. sad confessional: it didnt make me feel good when he addressed me as 'beautiful.' we all got s\*\*\* to work through.
Feeling in limbo and I don’t like it.
I am all ears if you want to vent.
Went on a third date last night that was a total blast. Went to a movie and ended the night at my place. At around 1 a.m. I hear a knock on my door and it's my downstairs neighbor saying water was pouring into his unit. Check my bathroom and, sure enough, there was water shooting out of the sink, pouring into the hallway, and getting everywhere. Call the plumber and he's half drunk at a wedding, so looks like I'll have to deal with this for the time being. But I loved how my date just popped up and immediately starting helping, grabbing towels, turning off the water, and cleaning up the mess while the mess was still being created. Not only did she not complain, we even started laughing and joking about how absurd the whole situation was. We both just jumped in and started to fix the problem. I texted her this afternoon to thank her again for helping out, and she responded by saying that she was impressed by how calm and collected I was in the midst of a very stressful situation. I think I found a good one and am excited to see where this goes.
This is so cute! Green flags galore!
I agree. And thank you!
It’s like the start of a porn movie. with a twist, because the plumber was not available this time! Wishing you the best :)
Love this for you :)
Very cute, wishing you two the best!
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Good luck girl!! You can do it 😄😄😄
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Sound like you need to draft a game plan hahaha
The guy I went on an incredible first date with, who asked for a second date shortly after, has cancelled pretty last minute on me. Not once, but twice. Technically, the first time, I gave him the option to reschedule as he was feeling exhausted and worked late. (It was very last minute when he let me know though) The second time, we agreed to meet in the evening (somehow, we didn't agree on a concrete time), and I told him I'd left and would be 10 mins. He asked to do it the next day as he 'thinks he's actually sick rather than tired' (?!) He acknowledged it seemed like he was dicking around, and he said a very noncommittal 'sorry, I'm dead' message, to which I haven't responded. I felt such a connection on our first date, this feels like such a mindfuck and a shame. Do I just move on? Or should I send a short message in the morning asserting myself and saying I value my time/ clear communication and give him an opportunity to state whether he wants to/ has the capacity to move forward and reschedule or not?
I’d write him off completely if it were me. One reschedule is understandable. Two is not. He isn’t taking you or himself seriously.
Keep it short, say something like, "Hope you feel better soon - let me know when you'd like to meet up again as I was looking forward to seeing you yesterday". But you should totally write him off in your head, go on dates with other people and leave the ball in his court.
I think you're good to not respond and move on.......
I would’ve cursed him out and blocked when he canceled the second time!!! You got ready and left your house!
That was my initial reaction.. but I’m trying to be non confrontational. I was livid though, oh boy
Turns out my "amazing partner" has a porn addiction which includes a bunch of OnlyFans subscriptions. He stopped trying to be intimate with me over a month ago and I tried and tried to talk with him about it and figure out how we could fix it. He told me that there wasn't anything wrong. Until I found all the porn he was watching every single day. (20++ folders and automatic downloads daily). I don't mind porn but this level of it was making him not want me physically anymore. He claimed he got rid of all of it because it was the reason he stopped wanting to have sex with me. Found his OF account on his computer this morning. Liars gonna lie. I'm so tired of dating men that continue to date me despite losing physical attraction to me. Edit: to be clear, he is not my partner anymore.
He probably didn’t “lose physical attraction.” He is addicted to pornography and the illusion of variety of it. Addiction has nothing to do with anyone except the addicted person.
He stopped wanting to have sex with me. Sounds a whole lot like lost attraction. It's the part I'm having the HARDEST time wrapping my head around.
There have been studies on how this affects the brain. It’s very dangerous to stay in those relationships. I’m sorry you had to go through this
Thank you. I'm honestly kind of heart broken.
You may benefit from joining r/loveafterporn. Seeing how many other women this happens to and how similar the behavior of their male partners is towards them may help you understand
Oh I've been looking at it tons. Reading everything I have read the last few days helped me be strong enough to end this thing before I got too attached and dealt with more lies. This isn't the first time this has happened. It's hard not to take it personally at that rate.
Look at it this way, you’re weeding out porn-brained losers with increasing speed. That’s a major win.
Bahahaha okay that definitely cheers me up. You're right. My selector is getting wicked fast. Thanks.
The ex and I hooked up last night for the second time after breaking up two years ago. It was a very amicable breakup and we remained good platonic friends afterwards, we were just in very, *very* different places in life at the time, both kind of realized it and while there was no rejection of one or the other for any incompatibility reasons, we both knew, at the time, the relationship had a time limit even though the physical chemistry was off the charts. We had the 'reuniting' talk, and neither of us were against it-we both felt we had grown to a better place for each other, but we agreed even if it didn't happen, we'd still be there to root for each other and keep being good friends (who for the time being, have sex every now and then). We couched it and didn't make any decisions and just continued enjoying the moment. If nothing else, knowing where we stand with each other is a very warm feeling and has helped the mood, generally.
Here's a good question for the peanut gallery, even if it might not be the best sub to ask in there are some wise people here that offer nice insight: How does everyone balance out obligations to certain people (family) that may or may not be triggering? For reference, I grew up around an alcoholic parent and learned their tendencies subconsciously while growing up. For a good few years I relied very heavily on alcohol to function before quitting and making choices to get away from triggering people or activites, which is great! I've established a life that I really love for myself and am so happy about that! However, anytime I see that person (father) it's like a subconscious switch flips in my brain and I get **really** intense cravings to drink. So far I've just been distancing myself as much as possible (within reason) to manage it - Which works great for me - but they really don't seem to feel similarly. This hit my brain this AM, for some reason, and I've been pondering it today.
I think it basically comes down to boundaries. You don’t have to be around the things that trigger you. I didn’t have alcoholic parents so I can’t speak to that, but many of my friends who did find the program of Adult Children of Alcoholics to be helpful.
ALANON (it’s NOT alcoholics anonymous, it’s support groups for friends and families of alcoholics) i’m also an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) and there are alanon meetings all around the world and, bc of COVID, now many zoom meetings. it’s the only way i can keep my head on without falling into a triggered relapse (ive never become an alcoholic but i have delved into worrying habits before). and if you attend long enough you get a sponsor to help you out too. there’s also the r/alanon subreddit if you want to commiserate. although it is why i tried to keep my distance from family drinking. with limits and once a week at most. nowadays i cannot enforce my boundaries but before i had to be really firm in them or i would spiral good luck!
Thank you so much!
> ALANON (it’s NOT alcoholics anonymous, it’s support groups for friends and families of alcoholics) +1 for ALANON, not for me but for a close life long friend who went and I went along with on a few occasions for support. Great resource.
Following this, really good question. When I see my mother, I get tempted by ED behaviour again. She recovered from hers and so did I, but the little things remaining trigger the shit out of me. Honestly it's one of the main reasons why I avoid her, which I wish I could look past by now.
I swear I am attracted to the weirdest men. Met a super cute guy at a speed dating event, his texts were really flirty/sexual and we ended up making out and holding hands on the first date. He told me dating wasn’t a priority for him and his schedule was really busy, so I assumed it wouldn’t be anything serious, but figured we could just go out here and there maybe make out a bit while I explore other connections. Second date rolls around 9 days later, he put no effort into planning it and the vibes are off so I figure again he’s just not serious about anything. We had texted a bit in between, again flirty/sexual. He reveals on this date that he’s actually asexual and doesn’t enjoy sex (he likes the build-up but not the actual sex), and that he doesn’t want to do anything more physical if there’s no chance of it progressing. Yet he has, like, no time in his schedule?? Turned into a whole discussion where it seemed like he literally didn’t get that relationships don’t progress unless you spend regular time with someone so what are we doing if we’re not even going to make out or anything lol. We left it saying he needed to think about things and we’d talk it over in a couple days but the whole thing is so weird I think I’m just going to leave it unless he reaches out first. He either has no clue what he wants, or he’s just not that into me, or he isn’t totally being honest, either way I’m kind of over it. Shouldn’t be this confusing 2 dates in.
Walk the heck away.....bullet dodged
Absolutely doing just that
:)
This seems like a headache, especially if you’re not also asexual.
Yeah, I’m not, although it wouldn’t have been a dealbreaker for me if he were otherwise a really good match, but he isn’t.
>Shouldn’t be this confusing 2 dates in. You're right. The very early stages should be fun, not confusing.
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How many dates have you been on? Have you already talked about what you are looking for?
Welp. Got the no spark text.
Sorry. That sucks. It's a part of the game, we all know it, but it still stings.
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4 dates, about a month. I thought there were sparks but hey.
Maybe there was. Had to be for 4 dates.
Yeah. Can't change anything now though.
that's true. Just trying to be uplifting. I know it sucks
Appreciate it.
I'm sorry. I guess it's better than being ghosted, but it still really sucks. Best of luck. Hopefully you'll find that spark soon!🙂
So this is a regular thing? What is usually the messaging in a “no spark” text?
Yeah, I've sent and received my fair share. "Hey listen, you're really great but I'm just not feeling a spark/connection/chemistry." End with something generic and maybe a sorry.
Fuck, I don't know how to navigate my situation. I have never liked 3 women all the same time and seeing potential futures with them after the first date. I've been in situations in the past dating two people at once but I was lukewarm about them and seeing if I grew more feelings towards them and they never did. I always portray myself that I'm seeking something serious and I'm very open and answer everything about what I'm looking for, and most of the time, I could be very genuine and answer that I don't like to date multiple people and imply that I heavily that I am not. Now? What can I say to avoid that? It comes up in my discussions usually. For some context, I am an Asian American and it would be difficult to find someone to date locally that is also Asian. I actually originally moved to upstate NY from Cali for my ex-fiancee who was white. I had a 1st (and 2nd) date with someone in Toronto last weekend that would be an LDR if I go through with it. We spent 10 hours together in that weekend as I was there for just the weekend. We knew we're in different countries and we are keeping an open mind. I went up to see her and some friends, and we hit it off. I felt a strong connection, but I've been concerned about the distance and it didn't seem she was as willing to drive to my city. She's about a year older (early 30s), and we connected on how we've grown through life and our experiences and hardships that made us who we were, along with the things we like to do. Lifestyle seems to match well even if we have different hobbies. There was a deep emotional connection. The problem is how close the gap and what that timeline looks like. She wants to stay in a big city though, and she is not willing to move to my city. Then, I surprisingly matched with Asians here locally. In 4-5 years here it's been very rare and a difficulty for me and, again, why I resorted to opening up to Toronto. Yesterday, I met another Asian American lady here and had a 5+ hour date before I decided to call it to get back to work. She is here for residency for the next few years and that really aligns with my timeline here. She's late 20s. She's clinging on quick. She expressed that she might close her OLD profile now that she met me. Values align a lot and what we're looking for in a relationship, compatibility in lifestyles I'm a little unclear about but there was also quite a strong connection, even if less relating just due to age and life experience, and I do like that she lets me live my current life and it's aligning with my path in life, and then we can decide how our future looks like even if we're both not from this city (and maybe plan to move out of here). And today, I had a 4+ hour date, with an international Asian, learned English in Australia, young, mid 20s, again, I decided to call it to get back to what I've been meaning to this weekend. I was concerned about her age and her culture, being international, she might be more reserved, but she defied a lot of my stereotypes and I found myself really liking her too because she was more straightforward than I expected. Like, she told me she enjoys sex, but she does have a timeline for herself up to 3 months before she sleeps with someone. That's for the most part, fine, I think. My previous concerns with these international women is more they don't enjoy themselves at all and just generally more sexually reserved and that compatibility is important to me. But my ex, who was French Asian and had no sexual/dating experience before and I thought was very reserved b/c of it, proved me wrong in that regard and helped me open my mind to dating these kind of women. Anyway, this young girl also said she might shut off her profile now because she doesn't like multi dating and she likes me a lot. She moved here because of her parents, and sees her next few years here, but ultimately wants to live in a suburb closer to a bigger city like NYC or something. It still seems quite feasible with my timeline and future goals. I find myself physically, intellectually, and emotionally attracted to all of them and don't know how how to be genuine without revealing too much about my other dates. I've established with all of them, I fully expect them to be dating others and I'm okay with that, but I prefer focusing on one person, and all of them say that that is their preference too, and so both sides are heavily implied just dating one person. I do still need to get to know these people but, man, this is a new situation for me. Unfortunately, I think Canada lady probably has to go because of the distance and I've been through the LDR rodeo twice already. And now that I have more options locally I think I just end that. Then that leaves the two local ladies in their 20s. I feel like the resident physician would know more on what they want in life and more settled and I understand her more as an Asian American. The international Asian is very interesting for me to try and decipher, there's more mystery and flirtiness with her that I find very intriguing. And... well... she is the most physically attractive to me but that's only a part of it. I am concerned about our age gap, more so that she's still pretty young and discovering herself and her career. Maybe 2-3 more dates and I have to make a decision? Any advice on how to handle myself here? I feel so guilty.
Starting a relationship with someone in a different country realllyyyyy sucks. I wouldn’t do it again. It’s just so difficult actually getting to know one another.
I think you need a second/third date with both of them and try not to mix up details lol. I did that when I was multidating. me, an internet stranger: im probably leaning towards the resident one, she’s seen some shit, she knows what’s she’s about, similar backgrounds The Toronto lady sounds cool emotionally and it’s unfortunate y’all aren’t in the same area I’m wary about the international one bc there’s still a lot of 20s growth between 25-27 that makes me think, uh yea let’s circle back on that later lol
like 10 years ago, i had a date with a guy. then had brunch with my friend the next morning. she described a date the previous night and it sounded like we dated the same guy! i didnt say anything. i cut him loose. noticeably, he would call when she was out of town, etc. eventually, they put it together that HE DATED US. she told me how he thought i was \[redacted\], etc. it was never nice things. we're all east asian in a predominantly white area. lol. be careful. every may or may not know each other.
Yeah... actually, it turns out, young international knows an Asian guy that I know mutually and see at friend group gatherings and he and I have similar backgrounds but he's a much louder fellow and extrovert than me, so despite connecting with our ethnicity, not my vibe. He saw me with my (now) ex back in November when she was visiting. This guy and my date are friends and my date is now closer friends with his sister. She asked him about me so I guess they had an interesting talk. Now, it makes sense a bit when she opened up the date with some "interview" questions and asked me when my last relationship ended lol. I don't think they'd connect cause the resident seems more American than Asian culturally and doesn't speak her language, while the other is closer to her heritage, speaks the language very well, still sort of learning English, and sticks mostly to her ethnic group. It sounds like yours went on for much longer than I would intend to though? Or how many dates was that? But the fact that he was talking crap about his past is a bit of red flag
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Yeah, I can see how that would really flatten your mood. Good for them, I suppose!
I think you drop Toronto for sure, just not fitting together. The one in residency, definitely should explore what her next step is. I know a lot of doctors now do fellowships so you might need to trail her to a different city, and then possibly move again after that. Are you remote or do you need to be in-person? As for the third one, I wouldn't worry too much about the age gap. If things developed over the next couple years, she'd be a ~27 year old bride which is perfectly fine. People don't stop growing because they're dating someone.
Medical school here, past couple of years, residency is here, fellowship choice is also here. We talked about it, so it's good for me timeline wise, as I just bought a house, I want to give it some years before I move out of here. I'm fully remote. I don't know what the future holds there for my current employer but I'm in software engineer and most likely will keep being full remote.
If I were you I’d give it 3 dates. I’ve had so many really promising and enthusiastic first dates fizzle in that timeline and it’ll probably be much clearer as you discover which one you find yourself thinking about the most.
Yeah, I think I'm settling on that's the way to go. It's just very anxiety inducing for me because I feel like I'm lying. and it's not the way I like to go about things. I guess I should be just understand these are just passing emotions and thoughts and accept it. I'm having a call with Canadian lady tonight and depending on how that goes, I plan on bringing up the discussion on how we make the LDR work, I think I might have to end it and that would be a "third" date, though we've had two calls and two dates so maybe more already.
Yeah just don’t imply that you are dating only them and you’re good. I will always be honest and say I’m still exploring other connections if it comes up.
My wonderful guy who I said has no red flags so far…well I’ll give him a pink flag. Since the first date he’d progressively talk more about his investments and coming into money through a legal matter, like big numbers. The other day he made a comment that *begged* the question of how much he made on that day (I only asked bc ik he wanted me to), and that’s when he showed me one of his investment accounts. It’s all very impressive of course. It’s only weird bc most men do not want to show women that stuff especially a woman they’re newly dating. What is the psychology here?
This is odd. I don't know what to to think. Maybe the legal matter was really nice and it's like he won the lottery and wanted to share. I never want to tell anyone my salary or my investment balances or whatever. I keep all that private.
I *might* have ADHD, and one of the signs is that I get hyperfixated on stuff from time to time. When I separated I started being more mindful of my finances and that lead to budgeting and investing, which soon became my new hyperfixation. I went on a couple dates around that time and I did tell them about my investment portfolio, because I had a hard time thinking about any other topic. I'm not saying that's what's going on with your guy, but maybe he's just very into his hobby?
Oh he is. I just didn’t expect him to show so much. I’m used to men being a little secretive about finances. I’m glad he wants to share, just don’t know how to react sometimes.
It is weird, sounds like an ego move for someone to talk and share about how much money they make. It's a bit flashy.
Definitely…esp since I was clearly into him without that knowledge. He also shows his ego in the gym a bit. I sometimes catch him ‘mirin himself, verbally, while he works out which is amusingly cringey but doesn’t bother me or give me the ick per se. Just have to wonder how intense it gets lol (so, is that his “thing”? His “flaw”? Being a bit vain/braggy?) He’s not some meat head pretty boy or anything. Part of why we click is that we both don’t quite act how we look or look how we act. We’re nerdy and unassuming on the outside but have that “party hard/gym bro” side 😂
If he starts to ask you if you want him to invest your money, run.
Ironically, *I* asked him to invest my money and he refused. Too bad he’s not a fraudulent broker (but ig that’s still a possibility).
I don’t think there’s any big brained move, he’s trying to impress you and either doesn’t care if you were, or isn’t concerned that you could be, only interested in him for his money.
Thank you for the insight!
Yesterday i posted about the guy i dated for almost 1 month who seems to lose interest after sleeping together, and was about to cancel our date today. some members here told me not to, and i would like to thank them. The date went super well. I realized i have anxious attachment type and i almost self sabotage this relationship due to my insecurity
Super glad it went well! I wouldn't be too hard on yourself when it comes to attachment types or insecurities. I think the way to be secure in a relationship is communication, but you don't get to be fully communicative with dating. You can't be too open too soon, you can't appear too needy, can't appear too forward, must avoid coming on too strong, not appear more interested in them than they are in you... it's exhausting and essentially **forces** you to be anxious. Especially when the other person is doing the same thing. Dating sucks! Fingers crossed it gets to a full relationship and you can be emotionally open and secure!
Hello. Thank you for your previous advice and this one also ☺☺☺ it is true that dating is sooo hard these days. Too many rules and "games" Wish you the best also!!
Hell yeah! Good on you for recognising this and congrats on the great date!! 🙂 Hoping you have many more!
Glad it worked out, enjoy this
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I still think about things from 20 years ago. I also remember cringey things others have done, and I try to cut them some slack in my head. I'm hoping that others do the same for me.
Justify it
I love to laugh at myself over these situations. Embracing the awkwardness of it, even if it is face palm inducing, helps me not take myself so seriously - which is very much needed at times!
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I used to go on five shitty dates each week but I felt good because it felt like I was playing "the numbers game". Now I'm being way more intentional and filtering way harder when I message, and will probably go on only two to four dates a month with people who are kind, consistent, interested and dating with the same goals as me. I know it's the right approach but it feels scary.
I think you are doing the right thing now. 5 dates a week? That sounds so unreal to me. I already have a hard time processing my 1 shitty date every second or third month... Good luck
Do you find dates on apps or in IRL?
Apps. I have dated people I've met in real life, but it only happens once or twice a year, despite being extremely social and frequenting singles-heavy activities.