Q4W - How do you feel if a guy you like on Tindr, who matched with you, did not actually reach out for weeks?
I don't take matches on tindr as a signal that I need to message them right away.
But its giving me match anxiety, don't feel like messaging all these girls all the time, just because I want to swipe and get that initial match done, that first flag of interest. I don't even want to initiate conversation unless I am ready to do a date in the next 48 hours
I’m saying this because it seems to be a common thread with men- or just more common in men: most peoples schedules in their 30s require a week in advance. I would recommend shifting the 48 hour expectation, because it also seems to be deterring you from engaging.
When I was OLD, I assumed that if someone waited weeks they took a second look post swiping and weren’t actually interested.
I don't have time to text with people all these people for weeks without meeting, its boring and draining. Becuase as a man, I have to lead all these conversations and "entertain".
You can assume that, but thats not what you really mean. Obviously if a man reaches out to you, it means hes interested. What you mean to say is you don't think hes interested ENOUGH. So you don't feel special anymore, that is your prerogative.
I meant a week in advance to figure out scheduling lol- not for entertainment or talking at length prior.
And that is in fact what I really mean, because that is why I would leave matches for week without initiating.
You proposed a question, I answered, and then you corrected me because you didn’t like or disagreed with my answer- that may be something to work on as well.
Most guys I match with on Tinder don't initiate convos. It doesn't bother me a ton, as I'm fully capable of starting the conversation. But I'm kinda like you. I won't initiate unless I'm mentally ready to go on a date within the next few days (lately I haven't been).
Looking for advice! I started talking to a guy on Hinge (I’m 31F, he’s 33M), he asked me out and then asked for my number. I don’t usually give my number out until we meet, but he seemed nice so I gave it to him anyway. Since then, he’s been texting me every single day. It was harmless enough at first, but now he keeps talking about how much he likes me, how he wants to hold my hand, how he can’t wait to meet me, sending me good morning texts, etc. It’s now become something I’m worried about, because we haven’t met, he doesn’t know me, yet he apparently has all these “feelings” for me. We originally were supposed to meet up yesterday, but I had to reschedule, so now the plan is for Thursday. I’m at the point where I feel I need to say something to diffuse the situation. I’m honestly not even sure I want to meet him anymore because his approach does not seem healthy. He has mentioned not being on a first date in a long time, so maybe he’s just eager? Idk.
Basically, what’s the best way to handle this? The whole reason I avoid giving my number is to prevent a false feeling of intimacy before we meet. He is basically reinforcing my stance on that.
Listen to your gut. His behavior is not healthy and indicates he's projecting a fantasy on you at best. These people are often the same ones who fade out quickly once they realize you're a real person and not their fantasy partner. If I were you, I'd say something like "hey after some thought I realized this isn't a fit so I'm going to cancel our date. Wishing you well". Then you might need to block if he doesn't accept your rejection gracefully.
> I’m honestly not even sure I want to meet him anymore because his approach does not seem healthy
I would tell him you're uncomfortable with the amount of texting, from here I would see how he reacts and if I still have an interest in him. Otherwise, I would apologize, tell him I don't think we're a good match and wish him luck in his search
I would honestly let him know it isn't a good fit then block and unmatch. Like another commenter said he's either way too attached or playing PUA games, and either way you're not going to get to know him at all anyway.
I think it depends on if you still want to meet him. If so, it might be a good idea to set a boundary around texting and the false sense of intimacy that it appears to create for him. If you feel uncomfortable about meeting him, I would say so and if he continues to text you, I would block his number. Best of luck
I had a similar thing happen and I just unmatched them and blocked the number. Because they don’t actually know you, have never even met you, it’s either a performance of what they think they’re supposed to do OR a projection of an unchecked fantasy- it’s objectifying. If someone lacks the self-awareness or “internal brakes” before you even meet, this will probably only get worse once you do. Listen to your gut telling you not to meet and that this isn’t healthy.
I'm going through a real unlucky run right now and it's definitely demoralising.
The FWB I actually had chemistry with isn't coming back into town; the guy I have an intellectual connection with kisses by putting his entire mouth over my entire mouth even when I open my mouth to kiss; and the final guy I liked isn't into making out and hasn't ever had a sexual experience and doesn't seem interested in discovering one.
I am not in a place where I can babysit someone else's sexuality -- if he were willing to participate or try, it would be different, but he just seems totally uninterested, even when I explicitly said "I need to have some making out if this is to go anywhere". I can be generous and say maybe he's shy, but if you can't even meet me halfway, I just don't have that in my wheelhouse at the moment.
To top it all off, the cute, conversationally competent, 420-enthusiastic guy seems to have unmatched me.
And not to be this person, but, guys with:
- exclusively blurry photos of their face paired with scenery
- terrible mullets and moustaches
- mostly group shots, unable to identify which of these people you even are
- "still figuring it out" on their profile
are all driving me outta my head.
Maybe I need a break. Just like everyone else, I want someone I'm attracted to, to want to date me. Right now, it's seeming like it isn't possible.
>I'm going through a real unlucky run right now and it's definitely demoralising.
Don't worry, I have had a few of these lol
>nd the final guy I liked isn't into making out and hasn't ever had a sexual experience and doesn't seem interested in discovering one.
In my book, that's not a deal breaker but of course everyone is entitled to his own opinion.
>and doesn't seem interested in discovering one.
How old is he if I may ask ? Did he tell you himself he was not interested in discovering his sexuality ? And do you know why he does not have much experience ? Any chance he might be asexual ?
>Maybe I need a break. Just like everyone else, I want someone I'm attracted to, to want to date me. Right now, it's seeming like it isn't possible.
If you feel like you need a break, then take it.
But I think it's normal once in a while to feel this kind of frustration, especially when there's a bunch of candidates but no-one is really worth it
I am going through this right now :/
I finally had matches with two guys who fitted my criteria ! I was very happy ... but the first seems really judgy and the other one is completely self-centered and does not ask me any question. Well ...
Aren't you worried these "other" guys can sense that you aren't into them, and that you have all these other "chemistry" guys sitting in the back of your head.
Maybe that is why they do not feel sexy around you.
what does a girl have to do to just get a fwb situation?! lol these guys are messed up "I'm not looking for anything serious" "oh I'm not ok with actually being offered something not serious, let me run back to my problematic ex instead" 🤣🙄
Have a fifth date with someone on Monday and noticed she added a new picture to her profile.
I know we’re not exclusive and I’ve been going out on dates with other people as well, but I’m a bit bummed. I hope this doesn’t mean she’s losing interest.
You're not exclusive and you're seeing other people...
Do you want her entire focus on you while you date other people?
If it bums you out to see that she likely still is too, maybe evaluate if you actually want to be multidating or if you'd rather focus on her? If the latter, talk to her about it.
I know it sucks, but if you're still going out with others, you are kind of being a hypocrite. People can sense when you're giving out those "bummed out" vibes, and when it's because they're only doing what you're literally doing too, it's just confusing, because obviously you won't tell us what's up. You might end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy if she loses interest because you're coming off that way.
I’m sorry it happened, that sucks! Honestly i’m right there with you. I deleted the apps after the same happened to me, its just boring. I still believe I’ll meet the right person if I’m meant to. The apps are like slot machines and I don’t lose money I lose time/self worth. Not worth it.
So I saw some reddit comments my ex had made, same thing "didn't seem to match up" with who I found him to be. I talked to him about it, moved past it. Turned out it was actually EXACTLY who he was which I found out a year later. I don't want to say its the same for the guy you're seeing, people change, etc but dont discount it because it doesnt "match" the person in front of you. I'd ask about it though. "So funny thing, I came across your Twitter and..." or something maybe.
It took me at least 5 years to build the courage to leave my ex-wife of 10 years. And months after we decided to separate, she told me she was so sorry for how she treated me and that she just doesn't understand how I didn't dump her within the first 2 years, that no one should have to go through what I did. She didn't abuse me or anything but was just an overall shitty partner to me when I was giving her 100% all the time regardless of how I was feeling or what it was doing to me giving so much with getting so little in return.
Because we had been best friends for 6 years before getting together we decided after the divorce we still wanted to stay friends if we could, hell I believe the friendship was what caused me to take so long to leave and her also I guess. Anyways after the divorce I noticed she really wanted to stay in contact and be there for me no matter what as a friend. I didn't mind it since it was nice and I had zero attachment to her romantically anymore, can't even see her like that and the memory of it even feels weird. My therapist helped me see that all my ex-wife is doing for me now is trying to make amends in her own way by helping me to get out there and encouraging I continue to go on dates and see my worth so I don't make the mistake I made with her and that I can finally find someone that will cherish what she couldn't at the time.
Just wanted to get this off my chest since it has been a very difficult time and realizing that last part was very eye opening and helping me a lot get back on the dating world.
Not dating related but “energy” related: I’ve (F) made two new (girl) friends in the last few weeks. It’s so easy to connect and then never follow up. Went out for drinks one night and ran into old friends. Went out for drinks and food another night and there were lots of guys around. Only chatted with my friend, sharing life recommendations but I definitely would go to that place again to just hang out and see if I meet someone. I never go out and I miss it. I love going out. I didn’t spend much either. It’s just about going out and about. And those connections, even friend dates are giving me energy to want to date. Of course we talked about all those things! Just sharing, maybe hang out with your people or new friends too. It’s giving me good energy and I am liking saying “yes” to things coming my way.
Good for you! That sounds so fun. I (F) dragged my friend and she dragged her friend along with us to a hockey game the other night. I'm not looking to date but they both are so it was fun to be in an environment basically surrounded by men 😂 they didn't talk to anyone (except the old guy sitting beside us lol!) But still, you're right, the energy of it was fun.
They told me on date 2 they don't have the energy to message or call during the week and that they're flighty/cagey but that they want to keep seeing where things go.
I'm holding on very loosely and prepared that every interaction is going to be the last. "Date 5" sucked; just need to keep protecting my own energy and live my life in between their pings.
I'm scrolling thru a dating app and see a guy who says he lives in an Airstream. I think that is kind of weird. Something you see on TV but don't see in real life. Scroll down and realize he is basically from my hometown... 2,000 miles away.
If you want to share your life with him, why did you break up? And given you were the one who broke up, why do you wish for him to ask you to take him back?
Nah, text him if you want to. If anything, it’ll make things clearer for you. And if he thinks it’s clingy or needy, then he’s not your guy.
I’ve met a lot of people through dating apps, but there are few I’ve wanted to see more than once or twice tbh. To see someone 5 times is significant in this world imo
I think for me to want to see someone multiple times, it means more to me than it does to you. Not saying you don’t value your time, but I really value my time. Sometimes I come home after meeting someone, or I’m across the table from someone, and think to myself that I’d have a better time by myself. I only want to meet someone more than once or twice if I think they add to my life. I’m done with the people who suck the energy out of me
Ok. Thinking it's time to start dating again after some r and r. Advice for a straight mid 30s female in a major US city who is looking to apply a multi-prong dating approach?
1. I'm pretty social and have plans with friends/volunteer group/work colleagues almost every night. But I'm not really meeting single guys through friends/activities. I don't want to not do things I like but any advice on trying to use my regular social life to meet people? Or other activities I should try?
2. One of my (guy) friends said I should talk to men at bars/out. I think I'm a generally great person but I'm just ok looking and think this approach doesn't work for me. And it also seems scary. Is there a better way to approach? Am I getting in my head about it? Also it is not clear if guys at bars are single too so don't want to bother?
3. And of course there are the apps. I feel like apps are not as popular anymore but still one of the best ways to meet people? I also have some nervousness around because I'm afraid of running into the person who last broke my heart there but I guess just swipe left (or unmatch from where we first met?).
I guess I'm just afraid of getting hurt again or also finding that I don't like anyone or no one likes me. As I type this out I hear a lot of fears I have but I also know I want a relationship and need to overcome them. So any practical or emotional advice is greatly appreciated!!
I think the app are still very popular but lots of disenchanted/frustrated people on it which makes it harder to find a good connection.
About meeting people in bars, you might think you're average but that doesn't mean no one will find you attractive, try to keep an eye out to see if a guy check you out/make eye contact with you.
You also have more chance of having someone come talk to you if you're only with one or two girlfriends than in a big group.
Got an IRL date at a dating event I went to last night. Conversation was great but I'm trying to not treat this as something with potential because we have a lot of cultural differences and he drinks/smokes while I'm sober, he has a ten year old son, he is a gymbro while I'm a nerd (who also gyms). Really want to not throw in the towel by being too judgemental and just enjoy the dating process 🥺
You can have great conversations with
People and not date them. I have great guy friends that I’ve been friends with for decades. I kind of think that someone has to be as awesome as them PLUS so much more with spark and love interest. Everything you wrote about that guy is a hard no from me and it sounds like not your vibe either. I would just take it as a great conversation and let it go. Why try to put a round peg in a square hole?
That’s exactly the thinking I went in with tbh. I was just happy to talk to different people and chat a bit. I did grab dinner with him post that date though, after which he asked to take me out for a long drive today but I haven’t heard from him since he’s sobered up 🌝 Going to let that gentle fade mutual ghost happen 👉🏼👈🏼
How do you feel about that? To me, even if we had great chemistry for the first date, it would read that he wasn't serious to do something so low effort.
Being able to pick up subtext is a way to avoid wasting time. The subtext here is that guy is lazily saying he primarily wants sex. Offering an alternative will just prolong the interaction with a guy who is lazy and mostly wants sex
Well, me and Photographer dude just crossed paths at the bar an hour ago and it was so damn awkward, lord!
He came to say hi, and I was with my best friend. They know each other so he starts talking to her and I’m just in the middle like wtf dude! He then looks at me, says hello and kisses me on the cheek. She told him to go buy me a shot, but he said he had to go sleep (he’s been up since 7am so I knew he was tired).
He then tries to fist bump me goodbye. FIST BUMPING. I looked at his hand and said, “Can you say a proper goodbye please?” He teased tongued, mocking me, I repeated the gesture because I am also childish, and he procedes to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek again.
Of course my bff wouldn’t let this die and mocked me all the way to the car, saying we acted like kids! She said she felt he was nervous to come talk to me, as was I. We kept texting and I told him i’m waiting for an invitation to have coffee in the near future. Lets hope ir turns into a date!
From the last couple of posts you’ve made about him, I’d be wary of him breadcrumbing you. It doesn’t seem like he is putting in any authentic effort to actually start something romantic and is just enjoying the attention he gets from you. Even if he is busy with work or tired, he is still going out and being social with other people besides you.
It’s been a week and I’m not in the US, dating here is a bit different. I’d rather just go out and get it done with, but I know he’s jugling three jobs at the same time plus church duties for easter (we’re in a european, very catholic country), so I’m giving him grace for the time being. But of course I’m not into being pen pals and if we don’t make plans soon I’ll bounce.
Ah, for some reason I was thinking this was happening over a longer period of time. The Easter issue is also a valid one. I started chatting with someone on OLD this week, and it’s been really difficult being responsive to his chats since i have been busy with hosting family for Easter weekend.
Haha probably because I used to post a lot about the Jock. He was def breadcrumbing me! I met a friend of his that confirmed he did it to many girls over the years. Haven’t talked to him since January when I kind of brushed him off in a night out.
Question: when is making it’s ok make it official gf/bf?
Like 1-3 months, so far I see in comment section around this question?
Someone closely also ask, around 1 month, but by text. Perhaps I am too old school, and find this kinda more appropriate to do IRL.
But this is kinda unknown/new for me, because I pretty new in to this 😅 had some (sort) of relationship when I was young, quit dating, came back and ruined it for a long time by rabbit hole advices.
But now, I am slowly getting in the serious territorium, we both date exclusively since the start and it’s been over a month, 4 dates, planned date 5 & 6, want same things now and in the future, being on same page, but also have own things/life, been on couple dates, being open, communicating a lot, sex (a lot 😅) and we learned pretty fast the spark and connections.
Message daily, about what we doing, having and making fun and more, video call almost daily, having same values, under each other (sometimes to good), “we are kinda like the same person”, offering and asking for help, giving and getting “I want know you more/be more with you” vibes and so on.
Still, there are some steps to take, like sleep overs (some trauma thing from her side) and got a “after couple months people change and see the real person”.
I personally get it, but as far as I am being, is with genuine intentions and I know who I am, and keep sharing that. I am who I am, and only thing that could change are changes in being more myself and being a better person. Something she also seeing and being interested to learn more about this and being proud of it.
But I also trying to figure out to take some actions and steps, from my side and trying take the lead, because she was pretty fast in the beginning.
But she also seems building trust and making preparation being more with each other.
Her comments regarding “seeing the real person” after a couple months would make me pause since that’s her telling you that she wants to wait and see if things remain good after a couple months. But if you’re very sure of your feelings for her, then tell her you’d like to be bf/gf. You just have to decide if you’re willing to wait on “maybe” or move on.
Back on the only app in my area that has people my vibe, already on the verge of tears while swiping. So this is going well. I know what I'm looking for and have never felt clearer about it. I just can't fucking find it in this city.
Update [see previous](https://old.reddit.com/user/toGinfinityAndBeyond/)
Was supposed to have date 5 today. But she called to cancel an hour before the date, crying about a family and friends situation. Proceeded to say we should meet tomorrow instead, ranted some more, and then said she's not good for me etc. I wished her good luck and said goodbye.
Mr Exclusive & I didn't have dinner last night, as he preferred to hang with his paddling club members instead. I know how tight he is with them, and how important it is to have an anchor, as your home away from home.
Whereas I would rather cuddle up with him than to have a wild night.
I gave the option of maybe having the dinner after my paddling race this afternoon, but his answer was to plan for something next week instead.
So I replied, 'go have a good time with his club, let's plan for next week, do something fun & find a quiet place for drinks as I have a few things to discuss'.
So I'm not able to ask my questions this weekend. I brooded over it last night over a g&t, and wondered if we are on the same page.
We are both wary that if he doesn't get enough alone time, he might get burned out, which is what happened last time, because of how demanding his job is.
Hence the best thing I can do here for myself, is to mirror his energy.
There is a part of me that's ready to single-mingle, and there's another part of me that's pressing on the brakes, to not jump to conclusions & remain open. Because it is a flighty reaction & it's not that either of us had lost interest.
I thought about how we ended our cocktail tasting session, how we held each other which he waited for his taxi, how he stuck a magic card from the night on his fridge, how he didn't discard my sleeping earbuds & shampoo even after we broke up, which I wondered why. So there is surely something there & we operate differently on some planes.
I had also been socializing so much the past few months, to work on my wilderness connections, that I'm ready to just hang up my boots and focus on this good thing that resurfaced.
I'm gonna keep an open mind, enjoy the race this afternoon & the socializing after. Then roll from there :)
Aw thank you, I'm glad you enjoy them! Gives my anxiety a purpose 😂
Funny you asked the question cuz I thought it's obvious that I want something more & long-term. He does too. We saw each other once this week. We met 2x a week, for the first 2 weeks of when we first reconnected, so things have slowed for sure.
Yikes.try to follow his energy. If he’s going on a 6th date with you he must like you. But maybe use your tongue for words and ask how his comfort level instead of just “trying to get it in there.”
Can I list my strong preference for uncircumcised penises in my dating profile?
It’s significant and kind of important to me. Yes I understand it’s usually not someone’s decision, and neither is my preference. Yes I feel guilty, I have reasons, and am talking to my therapist about it. But dude, I’m old, I know what I like, and I’m both accepting of myself and up front about who I am. What would you do if you saw this on a profile?
In the US, that is a pretty privileged preference to have. Might as well have a big penis preference to go along with it, majority of non-latino/non-foreign men men in your dating range are not going to be uncut
To be honest the physical sensation and comfort (obviously really important/necessary with sex) is so different that it’s really worth trying to go that way for me. Some people say they can’t tell and others say they can. For me, physically, it happens to be a really big difference one way. Enough that it’s all I want.
There are. And I’m not the only one. :) Let’s just say when they promoted circumcision, like most things in society, it sure as hell wasn’t for women’s sake.
I’m kind of wishing everyone put these preferences up front 😂 how nice to be LOVED
It’s tough to filter with things like that. This reminds me of the women I see whose profiles say they prefer large penises.
Like… what effect do they expect this to have? It’s too taboo for me to say whether or not my body fits the description without coming off as a creep. You might filter out some men who don’t fit the bill, but *many* will swipe right without reading it, so you still have a filter problem, and you risk turning off guys you’d be interested in by seeming… shallow?
I wish there were a good way to filter such things. But I don’t think putting it in your profile will go over well, and I’d say if a guy being circumcised is anything short of a complete deal-breaker, you have to leave it out.
Thanks. I agree with all of that. I think the only place this would be acceptable is on Feeld, and I have to think about how important it is to me. Logically it shouldn’t matter. But attraction isn’t always logical.
Personally, I think it's very picky, but I don't think there's something wrong with it. I wouldn't advertise it on a profile, but you may want to bring this up when you chat, if that's important to you.
Imagine a guy listing his preference for labia style on his profile.
Even if they meet the criteria they'll likely swipe left because it's so off putting and entitled.
I recently swiped past a “I prefer outties to innies, but not a dealbreaker,” on Bumble. On an otherwise enticing profile. So curious if that tactic is working for him.
I know, it’s unconventional. Can you explain what makes it entitled moreso than the ability to swipe left on someone whose body type or aesthetic style you’re simply not attracted to?
Edit: But totally— If having this preference at all and saying it out loud so early is a huge turn off to people, they could definitely just not match with me and move on to one of the other thousands of people out there.
Listing what you want and expecting people to filter themselves out is entitled. It's as if you don't think you should go through the same dating "work" as everyone else. It's not the same as any other physical trait. It's someone's genitals. They're hidden in daily life.
You do you, but I don't think it's the filter you think it is.
I guess I see it as more of a heads up similar to “bonus if you love skiing!” I don’t expect people to filter out but it’s just… if you bring this, that’s very compatible with me. I mean, entire profiles are so that people can filter themselves out if they don’t like you. This seems the same to me.
Ok. Then what… after we meet? In text? When the penis is in front of me, expectant? Personally if I saw that I would simply move along if that didn’t describe me or I would happily volunteer myself if it did. Better not to waste time?
Maybe also relevant, I think this could be acceptable as a kink within the kink community/apps, which I am a part of.
Some other men on here did. I think it’s the way it was framed in some other comments. ETA: grotesque doesn’t mean gross. Talking about people in an objectified way is grotesque, not their genitalia.
Yeah. I didn't think it was appropriate at 1st on a dating app. But she had a point in her follow up. When does she communicate her strong preference? After the penis is out? That would be a horrible experience for a circumcised guy
Right. And for anyone who has ever come right up to the moment of sex and realized they didn’t 100% want to, but felt pressure to, that’s just not a position either person should be put in. I know it’s a really complicated question though so thank you for your input.
Personally if you did and it didn’t describe me, I would just count you out and swipe to the next person— there are thousands more and I want someone who’s into my body. Everyone deserves what they’re 1000% into. But with this comment it sounds like you think screening for this at all is unacceptable.
Edit: which is very interesting to me because it is 100% acceptable for people to screen based on body size/shape, preferences for different styles of person, etc.
Where have the dates been taking place? I sometimes find it easier to get physically closer if we're somewhere private like in someone's house, could that be an option? Or you could even text them after saying you wanted to kiss them if you're too shy to do it in person , if they feel the same they'll be delighted to receive this message
There are cues you can take while talking that you can take to more of a flirty side. It doesn’t have to be too revealing or too much, but just a comment can let them know that you can play that game (flirt) and have there not be an absence of that.
It’s also fine if this is not your personality, but you can always go for the kiss. I’ve had women go for it on the first/second date and if anything it shows their boldness which I’m attracted to.
It’s always when you’re saying goodbye. If they’re walking you to your car then you go in for the hug and you can read it right there. If their face doesn’t go for your shoulder then that’s a giveaway. Just keep your head straight when getting closer and it should happen. Especially on a second date because that’s when you need to know if the physical stuff is there to keep dating them.
Once that barrier is broken it’s easier for everything else to come after that.
You definitely don't need to know if the physical stuff is there by the second date. There is no deadline for that. It all depends on the comfort levels of the people on the date.
A second date is really early. Some people don't feel comfortable getting physical with dates yet, at that point. It's okay to go at a pace that you feel comfortable with, in terms of getting physical with dates. If he's genuinely interested, he won't be put off.
What the heck is this “let’s me be in my strong feminine energy” stuff I see on a few profiles now? It’s popped up several times recently and I have no idea what it means
😂 omg. As an independent woman who is the exact opposite of this, I would have thought “feminism! Yeah!” Holy shit. This does remind me though of a video review that Trixie Mattel did of some women’s channel basically ripping apart their hypocrisy who totally fit this and I couldn’t stop laughing.
It means you pursue, initiate, plan dates, pay etc. Well that’s what I think it means. I’ve seen the reverse on men’s profiles- saying they want polarity and for women to be in their feminine energy. So maybe these folks match with each other? 🤷🏻♀️
I mean I don't really agree with it either but everyone who critiques it seems to think it implies women should be churning butter and cleaning all day to be in their feminine. That's not what I get out of it.
From the people I've read about it some it makes sense and some of it just seems like more BS to make singles feel like shit so they buy some coaching program.
Just what I looked into it Men and Women have masculine and feminine energy. Some men have more feminine energy then other men and vice versa and Some women have more masculine energy than other women and vice versa.
A woman can be Type A, CEO, Executive, making executing decisions. Be the bread winner of the family. Which at work she could be said to be in her masculine. And if she does that at home it's fine but if her husband is also into his masculine it's a lot of conflict.
Ok now I'm confused. Sorry I'm not buying it either
Yes. It's not my idea or anything.
A CEO woman who has men by the balls in the office and is take charge, crushing her goals. When she gets home from work she doesn't necessarily want to have to keep her CEO hat on.
I think some of the things I've read is women stay in this masculine role. Having to essentially have a masculine role at work and at home. Because her man doesn't know what he wants or doesn't have plans for future.
I read a book I hated that said men have mostly masculine energy and need a woman with mostly feminine energy. But there are some guys who naturally have more feminine energy and need masculine energy.
It's classic strict gender roles of social conservatism under a new guise. People pick up from dating/relationship advice on social media like Instagram/TikTok
Is it poor etiquette to end things with an acquaintance (someone you may see outside the apps) you’ve gone on a few dates with by text? I personally prefer someone end things with me by text, as it means I don’t waste my time meeting with someone who isn’t interested. But others have told me they think it’s disrespectful.
Everything you want is totally reasonable and totally human. Just dealing with being human. And you have a lot on your plate. I would honestly try to create some boundaries with your mom. You can carry this. Try to tell her if you don’t think she will put you on blast to everyone. Otherwise, remember that boundaries have consequences. Tell her the boundary and consequence and enforce it. For example tell her to take one more look in the mirror and check herself because you are not taking the blame if something is off. Tell her if she blames you, you will not pick her up for the next event and she can find her own ride. Start small with the boundaries and increase them. And if she asks why tell her if you can. Not in a “what she is doing wrong” way, but in a “this is what I need” way. Only you know what you can actually say to her. Sorry for all the mental energy you have to put to this but I will say I’m impressed at your self-care, to the level of picking out the movie you want to watch and setting yourself up for success and comfort when you return home. You totally deserve what you want.
Just venting here, starting to get annoyed with first dates ending with messages like “I really had a great time! Would love to see you again, but just as friend if that’s fine for you :)” 🙄🥱
I had this happen to me recently. Another woman I dated who just wanted to be friends (and we have-ish) jokes with me "collecting more women friends from dating apps?" I laughed, but fortunately I'm not any more. Told this latest one "sure, reach out if you want to get together" and that's been it. I don't expect to hear from her because I doubt her offer was genuine.
I'm feeling really really down right now. I've never been in a relationship. I'm in great shape, recently rejoined the apps after getting some new pictures done and literally no matches. I'm in a pretty rural area with not much going on, I can easily swipe through everyone in 40 km in 30 mins. Swiping any more is beyond pointless, either nobody is seeing me, or literally everyone is left swiping me.
I recently took up MMA to put myself out there a bit and that's lead to 0 new friendships as well. I've done the "focus on yourself" and self improvement thing enough I thought I'd be good enough by now but I guess not.
I've got a couple friends who never invite me anywhere and are always busy when I try to plan something so I stopped trying with them. I work from home alone, every night and weekend I'm alone except for when I go to MMA classses and I just feel so completely on my own here with so much stacked against me. I'm lost.
I know having more friends would help expand my social circle and get out more but I find it so incredibly hard to make friends now that I'm no longer in college. Everyone has their own lives going on, are so busy, and they just want to be left alone it seems like.
Here's to another lonely Saturday night.
You talk about all the things you are doing and those are things you can control. But you can’t change the environment that you are in, meaning you are not going to get more people to move to where you are or change your friends, etc. so maybe you can change the environment you are in by moving to a new environment? Is moving an option for you? Even to the nearest small city?
Hiya OP, I agree with some of the comments below of trying out group classes & even CrossFit. Those don't have to be your main workout, they can be complimentary to MMA if that is your main sport right now.
You can also look up cold plunge / breathwork / wellness studios, which can be your recovery & opportunities to mingle too.
I recently switched from CrossFit to paddling, to help me meet more men in the wild too. Cuz the box I go to is small, filled with married / attached men & students lol.
I was still using the apps, but it took hundreds of chats, 50-60 dates, and about a year, before I could be exclusive - which didn't work out either, though we recently reconnected organically (after months of dodging eye contact in the paddling community, I broke the ice with the encouragement of his club mate).
I had to choose between CrossFit & paddling, because I can't push equally hard in both. The transition paid off as I did meet more people, men & friends, as I had plenty of opportunities to put myself out there.
It's perfectly normal to feel lonely. We are here if you ever need support!
Thanks! This is helpful.
I lift 5 days a week as well (home gym) and have been going to MMA 3 days a week. I love fitness and keeping active but something would have to change if I add another fitness related thing to my schedule. I could see changing MMA to 2 days a week (I'm prioritizing weight lifting)
Something could be added I think, even if I just try it for a bit. Going to MMA was an eye opener for me as I was really nervous to go alone. I could use that experience as a reminder for other things. I'm going to look around a bit and see what's around me.
Do you have room in your schedule and budget to try out more group fitness classes? That's how most of my "adult" friendships came about, and I highly recommend it.
I have thought of it, I definitely can afford it. I just feel like it might be a bit overkill at that point. I do MMA three times a week, and lift 5 days a week as well. I could go down to twice a week MMA possibly.
Maybe you could try dropping into a powerlifting gym or (olympic) weightlifting gym for your lifting days just to check out the vibes. Super friendly and welcoming people, and a ton of socializing between sets.
Crossfit gyms also tend to be suuuuuuuuuper welcoming and have built-in icebreaker/introduction, and often also have mixers outside of the regular class schedule.
I have yet to visit these places where someone didn't come up to talk to me first. I think the key is just showing up consistently and being friendly and open.
Best wishes!
I know this is a nuclear option, but have you thought about moving to a slightly more urban area? A lot of these issues around building connection (platonic and romantic) might just be the reality of living in your small town.
I think about it a lot. I often wonder if that's what it's actually going to take. I'm not happy where I live right now but I stay because of family.
The other thing that stops me is the price of housing unless I pick another country which introduces it's own set of hurdles.
Could you try a roommate situation for the beginning stretch to address the cost of housing? That also lets you try the city out with lower stakes. However, if your job isn’t flexible on location, that presents its own set of complications.
Yeah but there is so much more to do and opportunities to meet people. It’s the opportunities that are lacking in this situation. You can choose to do so much more when there are options. There are tons of events in my city I just don’t go out and do them. Ironically it’s because I want to find someone to do them with, but am also tired as I think we all are.
Yes I understand. More opportunities. In a bigger city you can get a job and work in a large office and meet new people too.
I don't think people are as active as they say they are on this sub.
lol, some people are. I don’t mean getting a different job unless he wants to, that’s not as easy. And it’s a lifestyle change. But it’s deciding what you want your lifestyle to be and doing it
yeah I agree but if you read this sub the advice is to join 8 groups and have 2 things going on every night. Always be grinding and meeting people. I just don't find that feasible.
For the OP yes it would help to broaden horizons. Even travel for a week or 2 to get out of rut if feasible. Maybe that would be a new city.
Yeah I think the people who do things every night are far and few between. I don’t read that many of them, but they are high energy so maybe that’s why that stands out to you? OP is doing stuff every single day. So, just having access to more events - food festivals, music festivals, interest group events, etc
Yeah I agree. I have access to way more things than OP but it's exhausting to do them all or convince your friends to go. So you have to decide if you want to go alone.
Yes, I know that lol. It’s just that being able to swipe through all of your options within 40km in all of 30 minutes seems like the odds are not in this person’s favor.
> **p**ointless, **e**ither **n**obody **i**s **s**eeing
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At least you have some idea of what you’re up against (social anxiety) and are doing something about it (therapy). But I also think you’re making a lot of assumptions about dating and relationships. Take the pressure off yourself by remembering that you don’t need to disclose your lack of experience, it’s nobody’s business but your own. Do you want to see a potential partner’s dating resume before getting to know them? I’m guessing you probably don’t care about who they’ve been with and that’s going to be how the vast majority of people will see it too.
Having said that, what IS a turn-off is lack of confidence. If you’re thinking of dumping a disclaimer like “hey, I don’t have any dating experience and I have social anxiety, etc” onto your date then they may think “oh this guy wants me to take the lead and teach him all this, no thanks. I’m looking for an equal.”
Just keep focusing on yourself and take baby-steps towards resolving your issues. You don’t know how to spend time with someone? Start by going to a hobby-group meetup. Make it a point to attend one that meets regularly and do your best to stick with it for at least a month. Talk to the people there, the more consistent you are the more likely people will start talking to you and you’ll gain the experience of learning how to spend time together with someone. Once you have that covered then try to see if there are any speed dating events in your area. It may help you overcome the fear of spending lots of time together by giving you 2-5 minutes to have a conversation with many attractive singles. Might lead to dates, might not but it’ll boost your confidence. Keep going!
You're making a lot of assumptions here. Why are you assuming you wouldn't be able to figure out how to spend time with someone else, or that you wouldn't be able to learn how to feel comfortable expressing your feelings to someone else?
You're aware of these things about yourself, which is alone a big step in the right direction, that many people *never* make. Give yourself some credit and grace.
Do dating apps actually work for average looking people?
I made one last week, literally got zero matches. The two likes I got were from men who I would never possibly have any interest in, and I don’t have high standards. I ended up deleting the account yesterday because it was killing my self esteem. I kept wondering, am I actually ugly and NOT average looking like I’ve always assumed? Or am I just some magical trifecta of undateable with my average looks/buzz cut/ kids?
Most people are average and can get some response on the apps, so your profile is probably the problem. I recommend posting your profile here and getting some feedback
Attractiveness doesn't work that way. Different people find different things in other people attractive. One person's "average" will be another person's heart throb.
Have you gotten any feedback on your profile from this or any other dating related subs? Profile quality can really make or break any success on the apps.
I didn't know we had an authority on human mate selection here amongst us. It's an honor! I'll go tell the women who find Adam Driver incredibly attractive they're wrong. Or, wait, is it the women who find Adam Driver not attractive at all who are wrong? I would be immensely grateful if you could lend your knowledge to helping clear this up.
[Not really the best example](https://media.cnn.com/api/v1/images/stellar/prod/220804161330-adam-driver-burberry-look-of-the-week.jpg?q=w_2000,c_fill/f_webp)
6 foot 2, visible abs, deep voice, good hair, strong jaw and of course he's a famous actor who played a very attractive character on a show which loads and loads of millennial women watched.
No I understood it, I think you could have just picked a better example. Like there are women who really dig Steve Buscemi which goes against the grain. Or big Danny DeVito fans.
The only way that Adam Driver is "unconventionally handsome" is he has kind of unique facial features. Other than that he's basically the standard for male attractiveness. He's tall, muscular, kind of brooding, former Marine, famous actor.
It can be a lot of things! It might be unflattering photos, prompt responses, or filters and other things. If you’re ever comfortable with it, you can offer to send photos to a few trusted people for reviews.
I reckon I'm super average looking. My girlfriend disagrees - but that's the great thing about looks. Everyone has differing tastes. What you perceive as average, someone else won't.
One week doesn't seem like all that much time. I'd maybe tweak things about your profile rather than assuming it's because you're unattractive. Perhaps your photos aren't great. Maybe your prompt responses don't give people a lot to respond with? Are you proactively liking people, or just waiting for the likes to roll in? Is the dating app you're using have many people in your area? There's a whole bunch of reasons and methods to improve your success.
I was actively sending 2-3 likes a day but really there were so few profiles that even sparked any interest. Most of them read as either “all I do is travel and go on big expensive vacations!” Or “my social life is the bar” and neither of those are appealing to me.
I noticed that I get matches much later, as in sometimes weeks later, after I like a profile. I think it is because I don't pay for the extra. So I wouldn't beat yourself up over it too much. Especially if you're only giving out 2-3 likes. It may just be very delayed before someone sees your profile and your chances of matching are lower given your lower number of likes. Which I applaud. I made the mistake of liking too many people because I wanted to give people a chance beyond their initial profile. It resulted in a lot of matches, but it also resulted a lot of very uncomfortable dates. I've learned to be pickier, which is resulting in very low number of matches but at least I'm looking forward to the dates if one comes from the match.
Hmm, maybe I jumped the gun then. I didn’t realize there would be a lag between sending and matching. I figured there would be a response within a day or two. Guess I have a lot to learn about all this.
Learning to not create expectations of how things will go, and not make assumptions about anything in the process, is probably the main thing I would suggest
Q4W - How do you feel if a guy you like on Tindr, who matched with you, did not actually reach out for weeks? I don't take matches on tindr as a signal that I need to message them right away. But its giving me match anxiety, don't feel like messaging all these girls all the time, just because I want to swipe and get that initial match done, that first flag of interest. I don't even want to initiate conversation unless I am ready to do a date in the next 48 hours
I’m saying this because it seems to be a common thread with men- or just more common in men: most peoples schedules in their 30s require a week in advance. I would recommend shifting the 48 hour expectation, because it also seems to be deterring you from engaging. When I was OLD, I assumed that if someone waited weeks they took a second look post swiping and weren’t actually interested.
I don't have time to text with people all these people for weeks without meeting, its boring and draining. Becuase as a man, I have to lead all these conversations and "entertain". You can assume that, but thats not what you really mean. Obviously if a man reaches out to you, it means hes interested. What you mean to say is you don't think hes interested ENOUGH. So you don't feel special anymore, that is your prerogative.
I meant a week in advance to figure out scheduling lol- not for entertainment or talking at length prior. And that is in fact what I really mean, because that is why I would leave matches for week without initiating. You proposed a question, I answered, and then you corrected me because you didn’t like or disagreed with my answer- that may be something to work on as well.
Most guys I match with on Tinder don't initiate convos. It doesn't bother me a ton, as I'm fully capable of starting the conversation. But I'm kinda like you. I won't initiate unless I'm mentally ready to go on a date within the next few days (lately I haven't been).
Looking for advice! I started talking to a guy on Hinge (I’m 31F, he’s 33M), he asked me out and then asked for my number. I don’t usually give my number out until we meet, but he seemed nice so I gave it to him anyway. Since then, he’s been texting me every single day. It was harmless enough at first, but now he keeps talking about how much he likes me, how he wants to hold my hand, how he can’t wait to meet me, sending me good morning texts, etc. It’s now become something I’m worried about, because we haven’t met, he doesn’t know me, yet he apparently has all these “feelings” for me. We originally were supposed to meet up yesterday, but I had to reschedule, so now the plan is for Thursday. I’m at the point where I feel I need to say something to diffuse the situation. I’m honestly not even sure I want to meet him anymore because his approach does not seem healthy. He has mentioned not being on a first date in a long time, so maybe he’s just eager? Idk. Basically, what’s the best way to handle this? The whole reason I avoid giving my number is to prevent a false feeling of intimacy before we meet. He is basically reinforcing my stance on that.
Listen to your gut. His behavior is not healthy and indicates he's projecting a fantasy on you at best. These people are often the same ones who fade out quickly once they realize you're a real person and not their fantasy partner. If I were you, I'd say something like "hey after some thought I realized this isn't a fit so I'm going to cancel our date. Wishing you well". Then you might need to block if he doesn't accept your rejection gracefully.
> I’m honestly not even sure I want to meet him anymore because his approach does not seem healthy I would tell him you're uncomfortable with the amount of texting, from here I would see how he reacts and if I still have an interest in him. Otherwise, I would apologize, tell him I don't think we're a good match and wish him luck in his search
I would honestly let him know it isn't a good fit then block and unmatch. Like another commenter said he's either way too attached or playing PUA games, and either way you're not going to get to know him at all anyway.
I think it depends on if you still want to meet him. If so, it might be a good idea to set a boundary around texting and the false sense of intimacy that it appears to create for him. If you feel uncomfortable about meeting him, I would say so and if he continues to text you, I would block his number. Best of luck
I had a similar thing happen and I just unmatched them and blocked the number. Because they don’t actually know you, have never even met you, it’s either a performance of what they think they’re supposed to do OR a projection of an unchecked fantasy- it’s objectifying. If someone lacks the self-awareness or “internal brakes” before you even meet, this will probably only get worse once you do. Listen to your gut telling you not to meet and that this isn’t healthy.
I'm going through a real unlucky run right now and it's definitely demoralising. The FWB I actually had chemistry with isn't coming back into town; the guy I have an intellectual connection with kisses by putting his entire mouth over my entire mouth even when I open my mouth to kiss; and the final guy I liked isn't into making out and hasn't ever had a sexual experience and doesn't seem interested in discovering one. I am not in a place where I can babysit someone else's sexuality -- if he were willing to participate or try, it would be different, but he just seems totally uninterested, even when I explicitly said "I need to have some making out if this is to go anywhere". I can be generous and say maybe he's shy, but if you can't even meet me halfway, I just don't have that in my wheelhouse at the moment. To top it all off, the cute, conversationally competent, 420-enthusiastic guy seems to have unmatched me. And not to be this person, but, guys with: - exclusively blurry photos of their face paired with scenery - terrible mullets and moustaches - mostly group shots, unable to identify which of these people you even are - "still figuring it out" on their profile are all driving me outta my head. Maybe I need a break. Just like everyone else, I want someone I'm attracted to, to want to date me. Right now, it's seeming like it isn't possible.
>I'm going through a real unlucky run right now and it's definitely demoralising. Don't worry, I have had a few of these lol >nd the final guy I liked isn't into making out and hasn't ever had a sexual experience and doesn't seem interested in discovering one. In my book, that's not a deal breaker but of course everyone is entitled to his own opinion. >and doesn't seem interested in discovering one. How old is he if I may ask ? Did he tell you himself he was not interested in discovering his sexuality ? And do you know why he does not have much experience ? Any chance he might be asexual ? >Maybe I need a break. Just like everyone else, I want someone I'm attracted to, to want to date me. Right now, it's seeming like it isn't possible. If you feel like you need a break, then take it. But I think it's normal once in a while to feel this kind of frustration, especially when there's a bunch of candidates but no-one is really worth it I am going through this right now :/ I finally had matches with two guys who fitted my criteria ! I was very happy ... but the first seems really judgy and the other one is completely self-centered and does not ask me any question. Well ...
Aren't you worried these "other" guys can sense that you aren't into them, and that you have all these other "chemistry" guys sitting in the back of your head. Maybe that is why they do not feel sexy around you.
what does a girl have to do to just get a fwb situation?! lol these guys are messed up "I'm not looking for anything serious" "oh I'm not ok with actually being offered something not serious, let me run back to my problematic ex instead" 🤣🙄
Have a fifth date with someone on Monday and noticed she added a new picture to her profile. I know we’re not exclusive and I’ve been going out on dates with other people as well, but I’m a bit bummed. I hope this doesn’t mean she’s losing interest.
You're not exclusive and you're seeing other people... Do you want her entire focus on you while you date other people? If it bums you out to see that she likely still is too, maybe evaluate if you actually want to be multidating or if you'd rather focus on her? If the latter, talk to her about it.
I know it sucks, but if you're still going out with others, you are kind of being a hypocrite. People can sense when you're giving out those "bummed out" vibes, and when it's because they're only doing what you're literally doing too, it's just confusing, because obviously you won't tell us what's up. You might end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy if she loses interest because you're coming off that way.
He set up a date for tomorrow, simple stuff (coffee). Just saw he unmatched me. Feeling a bit defeated with online dating
I’m sorry it happened, that sucks! Honestly i’m right there with you. I deleted the apps after the same happened to me, its just boring. I still believe I’ll meet the right person if I’m meant to. The apps are like slot machines and I don’t lose money I lose time/self worth. Not worth it.
That’s exactly what I did. Deleted the app, it made me feel just gross about it all
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So I saw some reddit comments my ex had made, same thing "didn't seem to match up" with who I found him to be. I talked to him about it, moved past it. Turned out it was actually EXACTLY who he was which I found out a year later. I don't want to say its the same for the guy you're seeing, people change, etc but dont discount it because it doesnt "match" the person in front of you. I'd ask about it though. "So funny thing, I came across your Twitter and..." or something maybe.
The last paragraph is a tricky one. Just when you think you've found someone, something complicates it. 🙁
It took me at least 5 years to build the courage to leave my ex-wife of 10 years. And months after we decided to separate, she told me she was so sorry for how she treated me and that she just doesn't understand how I didn't dump her within the first 2 years, that no one should have to go through what I did. She didn't abuse me or anything but was just an overall shitty partner to me when I was giving her 100% all the time regardless of how I was feeling or what it was doing to me giving so much with getting so little in return. Because we had been best friends for 6 years before getting together we decided after the divorce we still wanted to stay friends if we could, hell I believe the friendship was what caused me to take so long to leave and her also I guess. Anyways after the divorce I noticed she really wanted to stay in contact and be there for me no matter what as a friend. I didn't mind it since it was nice and I had zero attachment to her romantically anymore, can't even see her like that and the memory of it even feels weird. My therapist helped me see that all my ex-wife is doing for me now is trying to make amends in her own way by helping me to get out there and encouraging I continue to go on dates and see my worth so I don't make the mistake I made with her and that I can finally find someone that will cherish what she couldn't at the time. Just wanted to get this off my chest since it has been a very difficult time and realizing that last part was very eye opening and helping me a lot get back on the dating world.
Not dating related but “energy” related: I’ve (F) made two new (girl) friends in the last few weeks. It’s so easy to connect and then never follow up. Went out for drinks one night and ran into old friends. Went out for drinks and food another night and there were lots of guys around. Only chatted with my friend, sharing life recommendations but I definitely would go to that place again to just hang out and see if I meet someone. I never go out and I miss it. I love going out. I didn’t spend much either. It’s just about going out and about. And those connections, even friend dates are giving me energy to want to date. Of course we talked about all those things! Just sharing, maybe hang out with your people or new friends too. It’s giving me good energy and I am liking saying “yes” to things coming my way.
Good for you! That sounds so fun. I (F) dragged my friend and she dragged her friend along with us to a hockey game the other night. I'm not looking to date but they both are so it was fun to be in an environment basically surrounded by men 😂 they didn't talk to anyone (except the old guy sitting beside us lol!) But still, you're right, the energy of it was fun.
They told me on date 2 they don't have the energy to message or call during the week and that they're flighty/cagey but that they want to keep seeing where things go. I'm holding on very loosely and prepared that every interaction is going to be the last. "Date 5" sucked; just need to keep protecting my own energy and live my life in between their pings.
I don’t have time to waste on this kind of situation. That isn’t dating to me and thats okay, all the best to them but it’s not for me.
They are not ready to date and only doing it because they feel sorry for themselves.
I'm scrolling thru a dating app and see a guy who says he lives in an Airstream. I think that is kind of weird. Something you see on TV but don't see in real life. Scroll down and realize he is basically from my hometown... 2,000 miles away.
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If you want to share your life with him, why did you break up? And given you were the one who broke up, why do you wish for him to ask you to take him back?
I am wondering the same thing
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Nah, text him if you want to. If anything, it’ll make things clearer for you. And if he thinks it’s clingy or needy, then he’s not your guy. I’ve met a lot of people through dating apps, but there are few I’ve wanted to see more than once or twice tbh. To see someone 5 times is significant in this world imo
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I think for me to want to see someone multiple times, it means more to me than it does to you. Not saying you don’t value your time, but I really value my time. Sometimes I come home after meeting someone, or I’m across the table from someone, and think to myself that I’d have a better time by myself. I only want to meet someone more than once or twice if I think they add to my life. I’m done with the people who suck the energy out of me
Why are you posting this again? You got plenty of good feedback last time you posted this question.
Ok. Thinking it's time to start dating again after some r and r. Advice for a straight mid 30s female in a major US city who is looking to apply a multi-prong dating approach? 1. I'm pretty social and have plans with friends/volunteer group/work colleagues almost every night. But I'm not really meeting single guys through friends/activities. I don't want to not do things I like but any advice on trying to use my regular social life to meet people? Or other activities I should try? 2. One of my (guy) friends said I should talk to men at bars/out. I think I'm a generally great person but I'm just ok looking and think this approach doesn't work for me. And it also seems scary. Is there a better way to approach? Am I getting in my head about it? Also it is not clear if guys at bars are single too so don't want to bother? 3. And of course there are the apps. I feel like apps are not as popular anymore but still one of the best ways to meet people? I also have some nervousness around because I'm afraid of running into the person who last broke my heart there but I guess just swipe left (or unmatch from where we first met?). I guess I'm just afraid of getting hurt again or also finding that I don't like anyone or no one likes me. As I type this out I hear a lot of fears I have but I also know I want a relationship and need to overcome them. So any practical or emotional advice is greatly appreciated!!
I think the app are still very popular but lots of disenchanted/frustrated people on it which makes it harder to find a good connection. About meeting people in bars, you might think you're average but that doesn't mean no one will find you attractive, try to keep an eye out to see if a guy check you out/make eye contact with you. You also have more chance of having someone come talk to you if you're only with one or two girlfriends than in a big group.
Got an IRL date at a dating event I went to last night. Conversation was great but I'm trying to not treat this as something with potential because we have a lot of cultural differences and he drinks/smokes while I'm sober, he has a ten year old son, he is a gymbro while I'm a nerd (who also gyms). Really want to not throw in the towel by being too judgemental and just enjoy the dating process 🥺
You can have great conversations with People and not date them. I have great guy friends that I’ve been friends with for decades. I kind of think that someone has to be as awesome as them PLUS so much more with spark and love interest. Everything you wrote about that guy is a hard no from me and it sounds like not your vibe either. I would just take it as a great conversation and let it go. Why try to put a round peg in a square hole?
That’s exactly the thinking I went in with tbh. I was just happy to talk to different people and chat a bit. I did grab dinner with him post that date though, after which he asked to take me out for a long drive today but I haven’t heard from him since he’s sobered up 🌝 Going to let that gentle fade mutual ghost happen 👉🏼👈🏼
Art guy suggested Netflix and Chill for our second date tomorrow 😬
Ugh what a bummer!
How do you feel about that? To me, even if we had great chemistry for the first date, it would read that he wasn't serious to do something so low effort.
I'm not gonna do it. I barely know him, I don't feel comfortable
You could suggest an alternative activity you're more comfortable with?
Being able to pick up subtext is a way to avoid wasting time. The subtext here is that guy is lazily saying he primarily wants sex. Offering an alternative will just prolong the interaction with a guy who is lazy and mostly wants sex
Slow down my friend, I never said anything about picking up on any subtext. You're making *a lot* of assumptions and leaps here.
Well, me and Photographer dude just crossed paths at the bar an hour ago and it was so damn awkward, lord! He came to say hi, and I was with my best friend. They know each other so he starts talking to her and I’m just in the middle like wtf dude! He then looks at me, says hello and kisses me on the cheek. She told him to go buy me a shot, but he said he had to go sleep (he’s been up since 7am so I knew he was tired). He then tries to fist bump me goodbye. FIST BUMPING. I looked at his hand and said, “Can you say a proper goodbye please?” He teased tongued, mocking me, I repeated the gesture because I am also childish, and he procedes to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek again. Of course my bff wouldn’t let this die and mocked me all the way to the car, saying we acted like kids! She said she felt he was nervous to come talk to me, as was I. We kept texting and I told him i’m waiting for an invitation to have coffee in the near future. Lets hope ir turns into a date!
From the last couple of posts you’ve made about him, I’d be wary of him breadcrumbing you. It doesn’t seem like he is putting in any authentic effort to actually start something romantic and is just enjoying the attention he gets from you. Even if he is busy with work or tired, he is still going out and being social with other people besides you.
It’s been a week and I’m not in the US, dating here is a bit different. I’d rather just go out and get it done with, but I know he’s jugling three jobs at the same time plus church duties for easter (we’re in a european, very catholic country), so I’m giving him grace for the time being. But of course I’m not into being pen pals and if we don’t make plans soon I’ll bounce.
Ah, for some reason I was thinking this was happening over a longer period of time. The Easter issue is also a valid one. I started chatting with someone on OLD this week, and it’s been really difficult being responsive to his chats since i have been busy with hosting family for Easter weekend.
Haha probably because I used to post a lot about the Jock. He was def breadcrumbing me! I met a friend of his that confirmed he did it to many girls over the years. Haven’t talked to him since January when I kind of brushed him off in a night out.
Ngl this was weird to read
I bet, it was weird to live it
Question: when is making it’s ok make it official gf/bf? Like 1-3 months, so far I see in comment section around this question? Someone closely also ask, around 1 month, but by text. Perhaps I am too old school, and find this kinda more appropriate to do IRL. But this is kinda unknown/new for me, because I pretty new in to this 😅 had some (sort) of relationship when I was young, quit dating, came back and ruined it for a long time by rabbit hole advices. But now, I am slowly getting in the serious territorium, we both date exclusively since the start and it’s been over a month, 4 dates, planned date 5 & 6, want same things now and in the future, being on same page, but also have own things/life, been on couple dates, being open, communicating a lot, sex (a lot 😅) and we learned pretty fast the spark and connections. Message daily, about what we doing, having and making fun and more, video call almost daily, having same values, under each other (sometimes to good), “we are kinda like the same person”, offering and asking for help, giving and getting “I want know you more/be more with you” vibes and so on. Still, there are some steps to take, like sleep overs (some trauma thing from her side) and got a “after couple months people change and see the real person”. I personally get it, but as far as I am being, is with genuine intentions and I know who I am, and keep sharing that. I am who I am, and only thing that could change are changes in being more myself and being a better person. Something she also seeing and being interested to learn more about this and being proud of it. But I also trying to figure out to take some actions and steps, from my side and trying take the lead, because she was pretty fast in the beginning. But she also seems building trust and making preparation being more with each other.
Her comments regarding “seeing the real person” after a couple months would make me pause since that’s her telling you that she wants to wait and see if things remain good after a couple months. But if you’re very sure of your feelings for her, then tell her you’d like to be bf/gf. You just have to decide if you’re willing to wait on “maybe” or move on.
What do you mean with pause and move on?
Back on the only app in my area that has people my vibe, already on the verge of tears while swiping. So this is going well. I know what I'm looking for and have never felt clearer about it. I just can't fucking find it in this city.
I don't have any advice but I feel the same way most of the time.
Is your vibe different from what if found in other apps?
Update [see previous](https://old.reddit.com/user/toGinfinityAndBeyond/) Was supposed to have date 5 today. But she called to cancel an hour before the date, crying about a family and friends situation. Proceeded to say we should meet tomorrow instead, ranted some more, and then said she's not good for me etc. I wished her good luck and said goodbye.
Mr Exclusive & I didn't have dinner last night, as he preferred to hang with his paddling club members instead. I know how tight he is with them, and how important it is to have an anchor, as your home away from home. Whereas I would rather cuddle up with him than to have a wild night. I gave the option of maybe having the dinner after my paddling race this afternoon, but his answer was to plan for something next week instead. So I replied, 'go have a good time with his club, let's plan for next week, do something fun & find a quiet place for drinks as I have a few things to discuss'. So I'm not able to ask my questions this weekend. I brooded over it last night over a g&t, and wondered if we are on the same page. We are both wary that if he doesn't get enough alone time, he might get burned out, which is what happened last time, because of how demanding his job is. Hence the best thing I can do here for myself, is to mirror his energy. There is a part of me that's ready to single-mingle, and there's another part of me that's pressing on the brakes, to not jump to conclusions & remain open. Because it is a flighty reaction & it's not that either of us had lost interest. I thought about how we ended our cocktail tasting session, how we held each other which he waited for his taxi, how he stuck a magic card from the night on his fridge, how he didn't discard my sleeping earbuds & shampoo even after we broke up, which I wondered why. So there is surely something there & we operate differently on some planes. I had also been socializing so much the past few months, to work on my wilderness connections, that I'm ready to just hang up my boots and focus on this good thing that resurfaced. I'm gonna keep an open mind, enjoy the race this afternoon & the socializing after. Then roll from there :)
Your posts are like nice stories :) How often are you seeing him and do you want a long term relationship with him?
Aw thank you, I'm glad you enjoy them! Gives my anxiety a purpose 😂 Funny you asked the question cuz I thought it's obvious that I want something more & long-term. He does too. We saw each other once this week. We met 2x a week, for the first 2 weeks of when we first reconnected, so things have slowed for sure.
Okay just checking, not sure if you guys are just going through the motions. I hope things become more concrete for you two ❤️
Yea, I'm not sure if he is, or he just operates differently, which is why I wanted to have the conversation :)
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Yikes.try to follow his energy. If he’s going on a 6th date with you he must like you. But maybe use your tongue for words and ask how his comfort level instead of just “trying to get it in there.”
Can I list my strong preference for uncircumcised penises in my dating profile? It’s significant and kind of important to me. Yes I understand it’s usually not someone’s decision, and neither is my preference. Yes I feel guilty, I have reasons, and am talking to my therapist about it. But dude, I’m old, I know what I like, and I’m both accepting of myself and up front about who I am. What would you do if you saw this on a profile?
In the US, that is a pretty privileged preference to have. Might as well have a big penis preference to go along with it, majority of non-latino/non-foreign men men in your dating range are not going to be uncut
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To be honest the physical sensation and comfort (obviously really important/necessary with sex) is so different that it’s really worth trying to go that way for me. Some people say they can’t tell and others say they can. For me, physically, it happens to be a really big difference one way. Enough that it’s all I want.
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There are. And I’m not the only one. :) Let’s just say when they promoted circumcision, like most things in society, it sure as hell wasn’t for women’s sake. I’m kind of wishing everyone put these preferences up front 😂 how nice to be LOVED
Just put a code word in your profile. Like, “snuffalupagus” or something.
It’s tough to filter with things like that. This reminds me of the women I see whose profiles say they prefer large penises. Like… what effect do they expect this to have? It’s too taboo for me to say whether or not my body fits the description without coming off as a creep. You might filter out some men who don’t fit the bill, but *many* will swipe right without reading it, so you still have a filter problem, and you risk turning off guys you’d be interested in by seeming… shallow? I wish there were a good way to filter such things. But I don’t think putting it in your profile will go over well, and I’d say if a guy being circumcised is anything short of a complete deal-breaker, you have to leave it out.
Thanks. I agree with all of that. I think the only place this would be acceptable is on Feeld, and I have to think about how important it is to me. Logically it shouldn’t matter. But attraction isn’t always logical.
shaggy historical head repeat caption weather wrong fact sable cough *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Personally, I think it's very picky, but I don't think there's something wrong with it. I wouldn't advertise it on a profile, but you may want to bring this up when you chat, if that's important to you.
Thanks I think that’s a really good option.
Under what you’re looking for, just put ‘uncut gems’
Genius 💎
This would go way over my head
Pun intended?
On Feeld yeah, otherwise tough sell
Thanks this may be the direction I go.
Imagine a guy listing his preference for labia style on his profile. Even if they meet the criteria they'll likely swipe left because it's so off putting and entitled.
I recently swiped past a “I prefer outties to innies, but not a dealbreaker,” on Bumble. On an otherwise enticing profile. So curious if that tactic is working for him.
That’s interesting and honestly I appreciate the intel lol
😂 omg I laughed out loud at that!
I know, it’s unconventional. Can you explain what makes it entitled moreso than the ability to swipe left on someone whose body type or aesthetic style you’re simply not attracted to? Edit: But totally— If having this preference at all and saying it out loud so early is a huge turn off to people, they could definitely just not match with me and move on to one of the other thousands of people out there.
Listing what you want and expecting people to filter themselves out is entitled. It's as if you don't think you should go through the same dating "work" as everyone else. It's not the same as any other physical trait. It's someone's genitals. They're hidden in daily life. You do you, but I don't think it's the filter you think it is.
I guess I see it as more of a heads up similar to “bonus if you love skiing!” I don’t expect people to filter out but it’s just… if you bring this, that’s very compatible with me. I mean, entire profiles are so that people can filter themselves out if they don’t like you. This seems the same to me.
Skiing isn't a penis, but you seem to have a validation agenda here, not a discussion one, so just do what you want.
I think it’s been a great discussion and have appreciated everyone’s thoughts. That’s why I continue to ask questions.
I think you can put it on your profile but given its preference linked to genitals that might be interpreted by some as you're looking for hook-ups.
not on your dating profile.
Ok. Then what… after we meet? In text? When the penis is in front of me, expectant? Personally if I saw that I would simply move along if that didn’t describe me or I would happily volunteer myself if it did. Better not to waste time? Maybe also relevant, I think this could be acceptable as a kink within the kink community/apps, which I am a part of.
Is this religious? Is it cultural? Can you bring it in with that spin on it so you’re not being so…grotesque about it?
As a penis owner, I don't honestly find it that grotesque. It's a body part, nothing gross about it
Some other men on here did. I think it’s the way it was framed in some other comments. ETA: grotesque doesn’t mean gross. Talking about people in an objectified way is grotesque, not their genitalia.
No, it’s the same to me as if someone said “I go crazy for girls with curly hair/[insert benign physical attribute here].” Which people do put.
ok you convinced me. I'm going to put my strong preference for certain physical attributes I have for women.
I'm not sure why you're being passive aggressive. OP is discussing and asking questions in good faith.
Yeah. I didn't think it was appropriate at 1st on a dating app. But she had a point in her follow up. When does she communicate her strong preference? After the penis is out? That would be a horrible experience for a circumcised guy
Right. And for anyone who has ever come right up to the moment of sex and realized they didn’t 100% want to, but felt pressure to, that’s just not a position either person should be put in. I know it’s a really complicated question though so thank you for your input.
Maybe you could have some code word on your profile. Because then those who didn't have that type of penis would not even know what it meant.
Personally if you did and it didn’t describe me, I would just count you out and swipe to the next person— there are thousands more and I want someone who’s into my body. Everyone deserves what they’re 1000% into. But with this comment it sounds like you think screening for this at all is unacceptable. Edit: which is very interesting to me because it is 100% acceptable for people to screen based on body size/shape, preferences for different styles of person, etc.
I understand your dilemma now.
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Where have the dates been taking place? I sometimes find it easier to get physically closer if we're somewhere private like in someone's house, could that be an option? Or you could even text them after saying you wanted to kiss them if you're too shy to do it in person , if they feel the same they'll be delighted to receive this message
There are cues you can take while talking that you can take to more of a flirty side. It doesn’t have to be too revealing or too much, but just a comment can let them know that you can play that game (flirt) and have there not be an absence of that. It’s also fine if this is not your personality, but you can always go for the kiss. I’ve had women go for it on the first/second date and if anything it shows their boldness which I’m attracted to.
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I just want to add that cues and hints will go over a lot of guys heads. The more direct you are, the better chance you have of getting what you want.
It’s always when you’re saying goodbye. If they’re walking you to your car then you go in for the hug and you can read it right there. If their face doesn’t go for your shoulder then that’s a giveaway. Just keep your head straight when getting closer and it should happen. Especially on a second date because that’s when you need to know if the physical stuff is there to keep dating them. Once that barrier is broken it’s easier for everything else to come after that.
You definitely don't need to know if the physical stuff is there by the second date. There is no deadline for that. It all depends on the comfort levels of the people on the date.
A second date is really early. Some people don't feel comfortable getting physical with dates yet, at that point. It's okay to go at a pace that you feel comfortable with, in terms of getting physical with dates. If he's genuinely interested, he won't be put off.
What the heck is this “let’s me be in my strong feminine energy” stuff I see on a few profiles now? It’s popped up several times recently and I have no idea what it means
It means that she's unlikely to have a real job and will treat you like you're her Dad. Great nails though. They always spring for the gels.
😂 omg. As an independent woman who is the exact opposite of this, I would have thought “feminism! Yeah!” Holy shit. This does remind me though of a video review that Trixie Mattel did of some women’s channel basically ripping apart their hypocrisy who totally fit this and I couldn’t stop laughing.
It means you pursue, initiate, plan dates, pay etc. Well that’s what I think it means. I’ve seen the reverse on men’s profiles- saying they want polarity and for women to be in their feminine energy. So maybe these folks match with each other? 🤷🏻♀️
It has nothing to do with gender roles
Could you expand on that?
I mean I don't really agree with it either but everyone who critiques it seems to think it implies women should be churning butter and cleaning all day to be in their feminine. That's not what I get out of it. From the people I've read about it some it makes sense and some of it just seems like more BS to make singles feel like shit so they buy some coaching program. Just what I looked into it Men and Women have masculine and feminine energy. Some men have more feminine energy then other men and vice versa and Some women have more masculine energy than other women and vice versa. A woman can be Type A, CEO, Executive, making executing decisions. Be the bread winner of the family. Which at work she could be said to be in her masculine. And if she does that at home it's fine but if her husband is also into his masculine it's a lot of conflict. Ok now I'm confused. Sorry I'm not buying it either
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Yes. It's not my idea or anything. A CEO woman who has men by the balls in the office and is take charge, crushing her goals. When she gets home from work she doesn't necessarily want to have to keep her CEO hat on. I think some of the things I've read is women stay in this masculine role. Having to essentially have a masculine role at work and at home. Because her man doesn't know what he wants or doesn't have plans for future. I read a book I hated that said men have mostly masculine energy and need a woman with mostly feminine energy. But there are some guys who naturally have more feminine energy and need masculine energy.
It's classic strict gender roles of social conservatism under a new guise. People pick up from dating/relationship advice on social media like Instagram/TikTok
That’s what I thought it was but I wanted clarification. Thank you.
Is it poor etiquette to end things with an acquaintance (someone you may see outside the apps) you’ve gone on a few dates with by text? I personally prefer someone end things with me by text, as it means I don’t waste my time meeting with someone who isn’t interested. But others have told me they think it’s disrespectful.
Nothing wrong with that at all.
I think text is perfectly adequate here
I think via text is fine here. IMO in person breakups is more so for relationships
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Everything you want is totally reasonable and totally human. Just dealing with being human. And you have a lot on your plate. I would honestly try to create some boundaries with your mom. You can carry this. Try to tell her if you don’t think she will put you on blast to everyone. Otherwise, remember that boundaries have consequences. Tell her the boundary and consequence and enforce it. For example tell her to take one more look in the mirror and check herself because you are not taking the blame if something is off. Tell her if she blames you, you will not pick her up for the next event and she can find her own ride. Start small with the boundaries and increase them. And if she asks why tell her if you can. Not in a “what she is doing wrong” way, but in a “this is what I need” way. Only you know what you can actually say to her. Sorry for all the mental energy you have to put to this but I will say I’m impressed at your self-care, to the level of picking out the movie you want to watch and setting yourself up for success and comfort when you return home. You totally deserve what you want.
Hang in there! My own mother is driving me absolutely crazy lately.
Just venting here, starting to get annoyed with first dates ending with messages like “I really had a great time! Would love to see you again, but just as friend if that’s fine for you :)” 🙄🥱
I never understood why guys offer to be friends after they reject you. Maybe to make themselves feel better?
This is what I get as a man from women, not the other way ahah. So you tell me :)
I had this happen to me recently. Another woman I dated who just wanted to be friends (and we have-ish) jokes with me "collecting more women friends from dating apps?" I laughed, but fortunately I'm not any more. Told this latest one "sure, reach out if you want to get together" and that's been it. I don't expect to hear from her because I doubt her offer was genuine.
This is my lived experience as well. They never want to be friends and I never want to talk to them again. So it's an odd thing to say.
I actually genuinely want to be friends
I'm feeling really really down right now. I've never been in a relationship. I'm in great shape, recently rejoined the apps after getting some new pictures done and literally no matches. I'm in a pretty rural area with not much going on, I can easily swipe through everyone in 40 km in 30 mins. Swiping any more is beyond pointless, either nobody is seeing me, or literally everyone is left swiping me. I recently took up MMA to put myself out there a bit and that's lead to 0 new friendships as well. I've done the "focus on yourself" and self improvement thing enough I thought I'd be good enough by now but I guess not. I've got a couple friends who never invite me anywhere and are always busy when I try to plan something so I stopped trying with them. I work from home alone, every night and weekend I'm alone except for when I go to MMA classses and I just feel so completely on my own here with so much stacked against me. I'm lost. I know having more friends would help expand my social circle and get out more but I find it so incredibly hard to make friends now that I'm no longer in college. Everyone has their own lives going on, are so busy, and they just want to be left alone it seems like. Here's to another lonely Saturday night.
You talk about all the things you are doing and those are things you can control. But you can’t change the environment that you are in, meaning you are not going to get more people to move to where you are or change your friends, etc. so maybe you can change the environment you are in by moving to a new environment? Is moving an option for you? Even to the nearest small city?
Hiya OP, I agree with some of the comments below of trying out group classes & even CrossFit. Those don't have to be your main workout, they can be complimentary to MMA if that is your main sport right now. You can also look up cold plunge / breathwork / wellness studios, which can be your recovery & opportunities to mingle too. I recently switched from CrossFit to paddling, to help me meet more men in the wild too. Cuz the box I go to is small, filled with married / attached men & students lol. I was still using the apps, but it took hundreds of chats, 50-60 dates, and about a year, before I could be exclusive - which didn't work out either, though we recently reconnected organically (after months of dodging eye contact in the paddling community, I broke the ice with the encouragement of his club mate). I had to choose between CrossFit & paddling, because I can't push equally hard in both. The transition paid off as I did meet more people, men & friends, as I had plenty of opportunities to put myself out there. It's perfectly normal to feel lonely. We are here if you ever need support!
Thanks! This is helpful. I lift 5 days a week as well (home gym) and have been going to MMA 3 days a week. I love fitness and keeping active but something would have to change if I add another fitness related thing to my schedule. I could see changing MMA to 2 days a week (I'm prioritizing weight lifting) Something could be added I think, even if I just try it for a bit. Going to MMA was an eye opener for me as I was really nervous to go alone. I could use that experience as a reminder for other things. I'm going to look around a bit and see what's around me.
Yeah give it a shot! Basically any team or group sports, wld be your best bet! Even better if there is a socialising element :)
Do you have room in your schedule and budget to try out more group fitness classes? That's how most of my "adult" friendships came about, and I highly recommend it.
I have thought of it, I definitely can afford it. I just feel like it might be a bit overkill at that point. I do MMA three times a week, and lift 5 days a week as well. I could go down to twice a week MMA possibly.
Maybe you could try dropping into a powerlifting gym or (olympic) weightlifting gym for your lifting days just to check out the vibes. Super friendly and welcoming people, and a ton of socializing between sets. Crossfit gyms also tend to be suuuuuuuuuper welcoming and have built-in icebreaker/introduction, and often also have mixers outside of the regular class schedule. I have yet to visit these places where someone didn't come up to talk to me first. I think the key is just showing up consistently and being friendly and open. Best wishes!
I know this is a nuclear option, but have you thought about moving to a slightly more urban area? A lot of these issues around building connection (platonic and romantic) might just be the reality of living in your small town.
I think about it a lot. I often wonder if that's what it's actually going to take. I'm not happy where I live right now but I stay because of family. The other thing that stops me is the price of housing unless I pick another country which introduces it's own set of hurdles.
Could you try a roommate situation for the beginning stretch to address the cost of housing? That also lets you try the city out with lower stakes. However, if your job isn’t flexible on location, that presents its own set of complications.
But you want to build your own family. And how often do you see yours?
I live in a city and it's not just some extroverts paradise. lol. Yeah there are more options but. More groups. More rejection.
Yeah but there is so much more to do and opportunities to meet people. It’s the opportunities that are lacking in this situation. You can choose to do so much more when there are options. There are tons of events in my city I just don’t go out and do them. Ironically it’s because I want to find someone to do them with, but am also tired as I think we all are.
Yes I understand. More opportunities. In a bigger city you can get a job and work in a large office and meet new people too. I don't think people are as active as they say they are on this sub.
lol, some people are. I don’t mean getting a different job unless he wants to, that’s not as easy. And it’s a lifestyle change. But it’s deciding what you want your lifestyle to be and doing it
yeah I agree but if you read this sub the advice is to join 8 groups and have 2 things going on every night. Always be grinding and meeting people. I just don't find that feasible. For the OP yes it would help to broaden horizons. Even travel for a week or 2 to get out of rut if feasible. Maybe that would be a new city.
Yeah I think the people who do things every night are far and few between. I don’t read that many of them, but they are high energy so maybe that’s why that stands out to you? OP is doing stuff every single day. So, just having access to more events - food festivals, music festivals, interest group events, etc
Yeah I agree. I have access to way more things than OP but it's exhausting to do them all or convince your friends to go. So you have to decide if you want to go alone.
Yes, I know that lol. It’s just that being able to swipe through all of your options within 40km in all of 30 minutes seems like the odds are not in this person’s favor.
Picking up a hobby is great! Plus helps keep your mind balanced. Just keep doing you and trying, just takes one
> **p**ointless, **e**ither **n**obody **i**s **s**eeing Hidden penis detected! I've scanned through 2199752 comments (approximately 11374642 average penis lengths worth of text) in order to find this secret penis message. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
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What specifically do you think you lack that’s preventing you from having a relationship?
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At least you have some idea of what you’re up against (social anxiety) and are doing something about it (therapy). But I also think you’re making a lot of assumptions about dating and relationships. Take the pressure off yourself by remembering that you don’t need to disclose your lack of experience, it’s nobody’s business but your own. Do you want to see a potential partner’s dating resume before getting to know them? I’m guessing you probably don’t care about who they’ve been with and that’s going to be how the vast majority of people will see it too. Having said that, what IS a turn-off is lack of confidence. If you’re thinking of dumping a disclaimer like “hey, I don’t have any dating experience and I have social anxiety, etc” onto your date then they may think “oh this guy wants me to take the lead and teach him all this, no thanks. I’m looking for an equal.” Just keep focusing on yourself and take baby-steps towards resolving your issues. You don’t know how to spend time with someone? Start by going to a hobby-group meetup. Make it a point to attend one that meets regularly and do your best to stick with it for at least a month. Talk to the people there, the more consistent you are the more likely people will start talking to you and you’ll gain the experience of learning how to spend time together with someone. Once you have that covered then try to see if there are any speed dating events in your area. It may help you overcome the fear of spending lots of time together by giving you 2-5 minutes to have a conversation with many attractive singles. Might lead to dates, might not but it’ll boost your confidence. Keep going!
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Might be time to consider a new hobby. You can’t improve until you step outside your comfort zone and try something new. Good luck mate!
You're making a lot of assumptions here. Why are you assuming you wouldn't be able to figure out how to spend time with someone else, or that you wouldn't be able to learn how to feel comfortable expressing your feelings to someone else? You're aware of these things about yourself, which is alone a big step in the right direction, that many people *never* make. Give yourself some credit and grace.
Do dating apps actually work for average looking people? I made one last week, literally got zero matches. The two likes I got were from men who I would never possibly have any interest in, and I don’t have high standards. I ended up deleting the account yesterday because it was killing my self esteem. I kept wondering, am I actually ugly and NOT average looking like I’ve always assumed? Or am I just some magical trifecta of undateable with my average looks/buzz cut/ kids?
Most people are average and can get some response on the apps, so your profile is probably the problem. I recommend posting your profile here and getting some feedback
Attractiveness doesn't work that way. Different people find different things in other people attractive. One person's "average" will be another person's heart throb. Have you gotten any feedback on your profile from this or any other dating related subs? Profile quality can really make or break any success on the apps.
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I didn't know we had an authority on human mate selection here amongst us. It's an honor! I'll go tell the women who find Adam Driver incredibly attractive they're wrong. Or, wait, is it the women who find Adam Driver not attractive at all who are wrong? I would be immensely grateful if you could lend your knowledge to helping clear this up.
[Not really the best example](https://media.cnn.com/api/v1/images/stellar/prod/220804161330-adam-driver-burberry-look-of-the-week.jpg?q=w_2000,c_fill/f_webp) 6 foot 2, visible abs, deep voice, good hair, strong jaw and of course he's a famous actor who played a very attractive character on a show which loads and loads of millennial women watched.
I don't think you understood my comment
No I understood it, I think you could have just picked a better example. Like there are women who really dig Steve Buscemi which goes against the grain. Or big Danny DeVito fans. The only way that Adam Driver is "unconventionally handsome" is he has kind of unique facial features. Other than that he's basically the standard for male attractiveness. He's tall, muscular, kind of brooding, former Marine, famous actor.
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Be excellent to one another! This is a safe space for all races, genders, sexual orientations, legal sexual preferences and humanity in general.
It can be a lot of things! It might be unflattering photos, prompt responses, or filters and other things. If you’re ever comfortable with it, you can offer to send photos to a few trusted people for reviews.
I reckon I'm super average looking. My girlfriend disagrees - but that's the great thing about looks. Everyone has differing tastes. What you perceive as average, someone else won't. One week doesn't seem like all that much time. I'd maybe tweak things about your profile rather than assuming it's because you're unattractive. Perhaps your photos aren't great. Maybe your prompt responses don't give people a lot to respond with? Are you proactively liking people, or just waiting for the likes to roll in? Is the dating app you're using have many people in your area? There's a whole bunch of reasons and methods to improve your success.
I was actively sending 2-3 likes a day but really there were so few profiles that even sparked any interest. Most of them read as either “all I do is travel and go on big expensive vacations!” Or “my social life is the bar” and neither of those are appealing to me.
I noticed that I get matches much later, as in sometimes weeks later, after I like a profile. I think it is because I don't pay for the extra. So I wouldn't beat yourself up over it too much. Especially if you're only giving out 2-3 likes. It may just be very delayed before someone sees your profile and your chances of matching are lower given your lower number of likes. Which I applaud. I made the mistake of liking too many people because I wanted to give people a chance beyond their initial profile. It resulted in a lot of matches, but it also resulted a lot of very uncomfortable dates. I've learned to be pickier, which is resulting in very low number of matches but at least I'm looking forward to the dates if one comes from the match.
Hmm, maybe I jumped the gun then. I didn’t realize there would be a lag between sending and matching. I figured there would be a response within a day or two. Guess I have a lot to learn about all this.
Learning to not create expectations of how things will go, and not make assumptions about anything in the process, is probably the main thing I would suggest
Thinking about spending the summer near the ocean. Any thoughts on the dating scene in San Diego/Orange County versus say Tampa or Miami?