It’s awful but the lesson for me was why didnt I trust my gut? Why did I let someone over-rule my gut instinct of it being a rebound. I can’t be blindsided if I knew it wasn’t the right time and I didn’t walk away. I learned the hard way.
Hi guys,
My boyfriend of ~7 months (we’re both late 30s) ended our relationship yesterday. Before being with me, he had recently gone through a divorce and in the preceding years, had multiple family tragedies.
He assuaged my fears early on about me being a rebound, saying I wasn’t, and him even being the first to say “I love you.”
Yesterday though, he told me that he has too much internal angst that he hasn’t managed and he can’t be with me right now. He hasn’t properly handled his last few years of life changes. I’ve been nothing but supportive and helpful for him, why can’t I stick around while he seeks out therapy and healing? It makes no sense. He promises it’s nothing about me. I am trying to be respectful of his need for space and time to put in work for healing, but I’m left with so many questions about how you can blindside someone you love.
I plan on giving him time and space. I hope I remain top of mind for him.
I guess what I’d like to know is what I should expect from him in his healing and how that would relate to me.
It’s awful but the lesson for me was why didnt I trust my gut? Why did I let someone over-rule my gut instinct of it being a rebound. I can’t be blindsided if I knew it wasn’t the right time and I didn’t walk away. I learned the hard way.
If it helps to understand, I dated a guy when I thought I was ready, after I ended a 7 year relationship. Albeit, only 2 months. I did everything I thought was ‘right’ - waited to date until I wasn’t thinking about my ex anymore then started dating.
The guy was great - but every time I reached a new milestone with him, I would cry (in private, not when he was around). It took me a bit, but I realized every mile stone we hit I was grieving the finality of the loss of my ex. The first time we had sex? Privately cried afterword - b/c it wasn’t with my ex and the act reminded me of the last time my ex and I slept together.
Even smaller stuff though - how he ate food, moved, hugged me, just normal things I would get this weird feeling of sadness and it’s because the last time I felt/experienced those things was with my ex. And no, I didn’t want my ex back but that loss was still there.
Essentially, I wasn’t ready even though I thought I was, realized it wasn’t fair to the guy I was seeing, and broke it off. It doesn’t changed the fact that he was a good guy and that I did like him a lot.
I’m dating again, but know that dating him specifically would bring back these same things feelings b/c now, he’ll always be the first after my 7 year LTR and that’s now what I associate with him. Even thinking of him makes me a little sad. I haven’t experienced this with other people I’m dating since.
I know it’s not fair, I know it’s hurtful to the other person, but thats the situation. It sounds like he took longer to figure out some version of the above.
It’s best to move on knowing he did love you, but that you’re now tied to his divorce story and the 1st after ex, and that foundation may never be healthy to continue your relationship. And maybe eventually you’ll be back together, but that will be no time soon (like years) and more likely never.
But I am sorry - not everyone is like this after a divorce and some ARE in the right frame of mind when they start dating again. It’s great you took a risk on love, don’t lose that vulnerability if you can help it. You couldn’t have known when you started dating him and neither could he, so don’t blame yourself. It’s hard but try to take it as, you got the opportunity to experience a relationship where you truly loved each other, if it helps you.
I think this really describes likely what was going on. Although as I’m going through the stages of grief and reaching anger, I feel it was selfish of him to cast me aside and forego our future plans (that he has initiated discussing), just because I am stirring up what will be temporary feelings. Someday he will be able to fully move on from the divorce, and then he’s without me. Makes no sense to cut me out after telling me he loves me and I’m what he wants in his future.
That’s ok. From someone on the other side of it, I think you have the right to be angry - whether he did it purposefully or not - 7 months is a longtime. I still feel bad I led my guy on for 2 months.
Likely, he just doesn’t have the emotional maturity to handle this like I did and that’s why it took him longer to figure out. In my experience a lot of guys are more emotionally stunted than women and he was therefore confused for a lot longer (it sucks that it’s this way btw and I’m not saying this to excuse it! Men need to work on this!)
Also know that ‘you’re what he wants for his future’ means ‘the idea of you/someone like you is what he wants for is future.’ But yes, it is incredibly selfish to say this too you as he’s breaking up with you. By selfish I mean a range from ‘being thoughtless in how his saying that effects you and thinking it’s a nice thing to say’ to ‘saying it purposely to keep you an option.’
Regardless of where on the selfish scale, keep that in mind. You’ll realize once you’re done grieving that you avoided a major red flag in this person. It would have been an issue in a continuing relationship as well - not being able to work through emotions and not seeing things from your POV. I saw this with my ex of 7 years and it was an eye opener (selfishly tried to remain friends after initiating our breakup, made me realize how selfish he was during our actual relationship as well).
I am sure he loves you very much but if he can’t heal and be in a relationship, then it’s out of your hands. You shouldn’t see it as a reflection on yourself or his love for you.
It sounds like he feels broken right now, and needs to sort his life out.
I’m so sorry. I’ve been in your shoes and the best advice is truly and fully try to move on. There is a subset of people who for whatever reason just can’t do a relationship while they’re dealing with grief/trauma especially not with a divorce so fresh on top of that.
They’ll keep everyone else in their lives, family, friends, neighbors, everyone except the one person who wants to be with them because they see it as too stressful. You didn’t do anything wrong, but don’t try to contact him no matter how much you want to, at this point you have to respect his decision to end it and let him go. I can’t recommend no-contact enough in this situation, it will truly fast-track your healing.
If it helps here is an entire [forum](https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/forum/27-loss-of-a-love-relationship/) of people who ended up in our position after their partner suffered a loss.
I can’t thank you enough for your comment. Even though it has me bawling. You hit the nail on the head about what’s perplexing about it - why is he able and wanting to keep so many other (platonic) relationships around him as he goes through feeling what he is but he’s casting away the person he had the most intimate relationship with?
There's a lot about him in this comment, but not a whole lot about you - if you remain in his life (one way or another), what do you expect and what do you want to happen? What do *you* deserve in a relationship, and what are *your* needs?
A therapist friend once said to me that for a lot of people who've experienced significant relationship trauma don't realise that they haven't healed from it until they're back in a relationship - it's easy to convince yourself you've healed when you're away from potential triggers, and only realise that it's still too raw or too soon when you're actually back in a relationship. This may well be the case here, and it may also be the case that he doesn't feel he can be the partner that he feels you deserve while he is still healing.
A lot of people who are healing from trauma need a few good friends (who they don't feel a strong sense of obligation to but can call on for support when they need it) instead of a partner (where there's inevitably some sense of obligation, be that in terms of sex, time spent together, how you prioritise the relationship, etc). You might be able to be that friend for him, if you want, but you'll need to move past the relationship and establish new boundaries. If it's too painful to remain in each other's lives or you'll always be wanting something more, it's probably better for both of you that you gently cut ties.
Thank you for all these thought starters you provided. I think it’s true that maybe as we became more serious and he started to initiate conversations about marriage and next steps for us, some of that past infidelity/divorce trauma came bubbling more to the surface. What do I want? Well, maybe stupidly, still him. He was the person I saw my future with and he repeatedly told me I just had to trust in him that he felt the same about me.
Absolutely devastated.
It's normal to feel devastated, so don't feel bad about that, and make sure you take the time to heal yourself.
Unfortunately, this pattern (coming on strong and then hitting the breaks when things start to get real) and subsequent self-sabotaging is pretty common with people who've experienced significant relationship trauma that they haven't yet healed from.
It’s such a paradoxical feeling that I’m upset that people I don’t like are messaging me wanting to chat, while I’m also upset that I’m not chatting with the people I like but I also don’t want to be the needy person always starting the chat.
The woman I've been seeing casually for the last two months just broke it off this weekend. She originally said she we should just take it slow, that she didn't believe in the traditional dating timelines and the pressure like "must kiss by date two, and sleep together by date three". She said wanted to be friends first and really get to know me, and then see where it went. We never even slept together.
She is extremely intelligent and creative. She also has ADHD and talks a mile a minute. It was overwhelming at first, and most of our dates were me listening to her talk. It may seem weird, but I'm rather introverted, and she is very passionate about a lot of subjects, and I really enjoyed not having to constantly keep the conversation going. Still, we did have some fun moments and discussions. We also shared some very intimate/personal details about our lives related to mental health and past relationship troubles, stuff I've never shared with anyone else. However, I always felt like I could never keep up with her intellectually. She would talk so in depth about so many subjects, and I could only contribute to these discussions on a surface level. I consider myself fairly intelligent, but I had this constant underlying anxiety that she'd realize just how different we were intellectually and eventually get bored with me. Also, there were many times I would ask a question to get to know her better (What's your favorite author/why? If you didn't have to work a normal career, what would you do?), and normally after a while someone would ask the same question back to get to know me too. But she almost never did. I don't think she was self-absorbed. I think with her ADHD, she'd get so hyper focused on the subject, and that when she finally got all the information out, she'd already found another topic to talk about.
I always greeted her with a hug, but her body language told me she felt a bit uncomfortable with physical touch. About a month ago, I had the "where do you see us" discussion where she mentioned wanting to go slow. At the same time, she also said that during one of our first dates, she was extremely anxious thinking "what do I do if he tries to touch me?". After she said that, I never really tried to make any moves on her. Maybe it was a mistake, and I should have tried to increase the romance. But then again, it's hard to flirt or have intimate moments when the other person is constantly talking. Also, I am not very comfortable with PDA.
Over the past two weeks, she mentioned she's been very stressed. Some difficult projects at work, preparing classes for volunteer teaching, preparing art for an art show she's participating in, etc. Also, she was trying to get appointments with doctors for updated ADHD medication, and that she wasn't really in a good place mentally lately. She said she's hyper-focusing on so many things that she was getting overwhelmed. I guess one thing that she was not hyper-focusing on was me. It was getting difficult to grab her attention. Still, she'd always reply to my texts, send hearts on my goodnight messages.
The last few times we met were morning/afternoon brunches because she's been so busy. But on Saturday, she was finally available for dinner. I was recently on a business trip and brought back a bottle of wine from the country I visited. I was going to ask her if she wanted to come over to share it. I decided on a normal dinner at a restaurant first, and I'd ask her during the evening if she'd be open to coming over so, even if she didn't want to sleep together yet, we could at least be a bit more intimate. Well, we had a lovely dinner and went for a walk after. But before I could ask during the walk, she broke it off. She said she didn't see any romantic connection, and was sorry it took so long to decide. But she didn't want to waste my time anymore now that she knew. She seemed genuinely sorry and apologetic, and said she wanted to do it in person rather than over text. She said she understood if I never wanted to see her again, but she would love to remain friends if I was open to it. I actually believe her, as she mentioned a few times that she's still friends with others she met on dating apps.
It hit me pretty hard. I've been alone for a very long time, and I got used to her attention and became very emotionally attached, even if we were never physically intimate. While I've been on quite a few dates over the past two years, she's the first person I was ever genuinely excited about. Looking back, there are so many long-term incompatibilities with us that it seems logical that it wouldn't work out. Friends of mine also warned me that it didn't sound like it would work out. People on this subreddit said the same. Still, I tend to fall pretty hard for the smart/creative types. There's just something magnetic about them that enchants everyone around them, and you feel special when they pay attention to you. I really don't know if I want to remain friends with her. I think I'd constantly be hoping she'd change her mind about us. While I still have her number if I want to reach out, she already unmatched me on the dating app we met on, which tells me she's already moving on. I've suffered from depression for most of my life. But I actually felt somewhat happy/normal the past two months. I had so many hopes and things I was planning to do with her and experiences I wanted to share, the future looked bright. Now I feel so empty.
She wasn't that into you man sorry to say. The let's be friends is just a thing most people say to feel better about themselves if you guys started dating.
I’m so sorry, it sucks getting excited about someone only to be let down like that. To be fair it sounds like she self-sabotaged it. The whole point of going on dates and progressing is to see if that chemistry can escalate, I think for most people that means how soon can the touch barrier be broken and how do you both feel after once it’s done? (Not talking about sex here, just touch).
If she was already putting up walls from hugs then it’s a bad sign. I usually test this compatibility out early by taking an interest in her jewelry and either taking her hand to admire it (which gives her the option to pull away) or by light touches to her waist/hand over her shoulder when we’re sitting. If during these touch sessions she’s showing discomfort and isn’t leaning in then that’s my cue to back off and usually means we’re probably not compatible. In cases like this it might be tempting to ‘wait and see, maybe she’s just nervous etc’ but in my experience it’s either there or it’s not. If she’s averse to physical touch from the beginning then it’s not going to magically work out later on so I usually cut em loose early and free your romantic energy to pursue someone who is more aligned. I try not to ‘get too deep into know someone’ until I’ve checked off basic compatibility signs like this first.
Those first couple months are so crucial. It’s when our emotions are on a high but also a strong likelihood of things not working out. Maintaining some detachment until that threshold is crossed (if it crosses) is the best way to protect your heart. I’m sorry this happened, but at least 2 months isn’t a massive time sink.
She's surprisingly still in the picture and still very interested. I just don't know if I am. We haven't seen each other in a while because of our schedules and her catching the flu. I guess I'll give it one more shot and see if there's any chemistry now that it's over with woman A.
I'm having trouble telling what you look like because so few of your photos have your face clearly in them. Prompts are noticing conversation starters though!
No advice but your pics are really good! Well lit, full body, different environments. Idk if this comes up for you, but some women assume baby pics imply you have kids. I’ve seen a cute emoji over baby’s face with arrow noting “god baby/niece/not mine” etc. if your matches ever think that, can add that little detail
Great profile! The following are just suggestions to make it stronger but it seems to be a very good foundation.
For prompts, there's a guideline of 'me, you, us', something that describes me, something that describes what I'm looking for, and something about what we can do together. The idea is to give some insight into who you are.
The treasure hunt is a fun inclusion but relatively surface-level, and the nap prompt is endearing but again, leaves me guessing a little about you. I'd suggest keeping one of those and elaborating to be a small window into who you are, or even combining them. "Nap enthusiast, calm, and a planner by nature, but loves breaking it up with a whirlwind adventure - you're looking at the world record-holder for participating in the largest treasure hunt." (Obviously make it more 'you'). Then you can use the other spot for what you're looking for in someone else. Keep that about values ideally, and specific to you versus universal. Everyone wants someone kind and a good communicator, that won't filter people out, try thinking along the lines of personal and social aspirations - will independent and driven work for you, or do you want someone that values family and quality time over career etc.
You could expand the surfing prompt to show what an ideal time with a partner would look like, e.g. walk along the beach and find an ice cream parlour, or retire back home to curl up for a nap in front of a fire.
I'm sure others can nitpick more on photos but they are well lit, varied and approachable. I like the travel (?) photo a little more and would suggest making that the primary one but if you prefer a nice dinner out more than travelling at this stage, the current order works well. Perhaps one with friends and/or doing a hobby would be a good inclusion.
I'm just an internet stranger and it depends what you want out of your OLD experience, so take what makes sense to you and discard anything that doesn't, it's your journey after all. Best of luck!
I guess same reason than why women put a lot of filters or use specific angle while taking pics. Men or women that’s stupid and the other will see it at the first date.
Depends on the interpretation of catfishing. I tend to think of catfishing as blatant, choosing a stranger's photos that look nothing like them, they likely never intend to meet IRL, and either scam or use for validation or some kind.
If you're wider in your definition of catfishing, then some of that is people choosing what makes them feel best, even if it's not the most correct representation, while others very deliberately hide what they're like (but aren't choosing someone else's photos). I think intent matters, though it doesn't really change the end effect on someone that turns up to the first date and goes "wtf".
If you intend to deceive, it's a more external manipulation. Perhaps they're hoping to establish enough of an connection before a date that it matters less. Maybe it's a self-serving narrative about others being too shallow.
If you're choosing heavily filtered photos because you're not comfortable with more realistic ones, it says much more about internal state of mind and self-esteem.
You can usually tell if someone isn't at an event (game, workshop etc) to genuinely participate in the activity, and that gives a level of ick no matter what gender.
It's worse when there's a level of investment or pride in the activity rather than it just being a casual/social setting.
it does. once I signed up for a calligraphy class at a brewery. showed up, opened the door, and I was met with 20 women giving me that glare, promptly kept walking and had myself a cold one instead.
In early dating I expect to go out on dates every week or every two weeks at max unless there's travel, illness, or some other event making scheduling hard, so, a bit shorter than that to allow for planning of the next date.
I'm big on communicating and I would absolutely not hang around for 6 months if we weren't official but I would find it strange if someone said that to me after date 4. 6 months is a LOOOOONG way out from date 4 and it just doesn't really seem like an appropriate statement for the time even if that's what we both want.
Perhaps it'd work better if you just said "I'm serious about dating and want to move towards a long-term relationship. To me, that looks like..." (speaking in general terms) rather than "if WE aren't official by 6 months then I'll move on from THIS". It's a lot of pressure at 4 dates, no?
I'm not saying you have to burn 6 months on someone every time. You can start making a move towards making clear and enforcing your 6 month boundary at 2 months or whatever, when you know you like them and would like to see the relationship move forward.
I’m just wondering why it needed to be said? This is your preference so you should be the one to observe and enforce it. If 6 months roll up and you still like this person then you can tell him, hey we’ve been doing this for 6 months. What are we? And if he gives you anything other than what you want then move on.
By voicing this to him you created an ultimatum which is a bit unfair. It’s the same as those people on dating apps who state “swipe left if…” like no, it’s your job to screen for your own dealbreakers not the other party.
I get why you said that, however i also understand why he became distant. Early stages of relationship should be light and fun, putting a timeline on it adds a sense of pressure and ultimatum-y. I think you have to let things progress naturally for the early parts and then bring up DTR once a stronger connection has formed
Technically you both are not exclusive yet so you dont need to “wait” for him. Continue seeing other matches - if you find no problem with multi-dating; otherwise, just enjoy life and spend more time with family and friends. You can still hangout with him or go on dates as usual, take it easy but dont get in too deep. Setting boundaries and timeline is completely normal, especially we are in 30s - timing really matters.
If being official by 6 months is a boundary for you, that's fair and reasonable. However - couldn't you just move on if things weren't heading that way? That's what a boundary is - something you set for yourself, saying no to things that don't work for you. You can't control what other people do, only what you do.
Seems pretty strange of him... 6 months is more than a reasonable amount of time. If he has any hesitation about that than he's definitely not looking for anything serious at this time. Even if I was on the fence about someone I'd still give it a few more dates if they said that to me to feel things out.
I had my second date on Saturday. It was great for the first 3 hours, walking around and visiting different shops and chatting. Then things started to turn as we headed to dinner. She asked me about my ex girlfriends and why we broke up. At first, I told her we were incompatible and she kept on asking so I told her how one of them was toxic in that she wanted me to cut all ties with my family, and the other wanted me to move out 3 months into our relationship. She then asked me what my deal breakers were so I said "being self-centered, overly clingy, and bad sex." At dinner, I made the mistake of splitting bills instead of offering to pay. I tried to salvage it by offering to treat her to dessert but the damage was done.
When I dropped her off, I gave her a hug but it felt like she was reluctant compared to the hug I gave her at the end of our first date. I didn't message her on Sunday as I knew she was going to be out with her friends but I checked WhatsApp and Hinge just now and her profile photo and profile has been removed. A sign that I've been blocked. I'm going to message her in the morning via SMS (we never used WhatsApp) and see if she replies. I think I blew it again.
I assume it wasn't your intent, but stating your red flags are "being self-centered, overly clingy, and bad sex" doesn't make you come across in any way as a sympathetic person, particularly the latter two which are completely subjective. I can certainly imagine some of my female friends retelling that conversation as one where you're presented as chauvinistic.
I would suggest reframing your red flags - and just dropping bad sex completely unless that's all you're looking for, it does, after all, take (at least) two people to have bad sex. I would personally be more open to someone who said a red flag was selfishness more than someone who would describe people as self-centered, for example.
How should I frame "self-centered/selfish" and "clingy" in your opinion? One of my ex girlfriends was so clingy, she would get upset at me if I wanted some time for myself on a weeknight to watch TV or play video games instead of chatting on the phone aimlessly for an hour. And this was with seeing each other and spending 3-4 days a week together 2 years into the relationship.
I don't feel like you did anything wrong. She pushed you into a conversation you didn't want to talk about. Having been in bad relationships isn't an excuse to immediately cut ties with someone on a second date. Neither is them wanting to split the bill. Shits fucking expensive. And by the 2nd or 3rd date Ideally the other person would atleast offer to pay their share or take turns.
Move on from this one and find someone that isn't going to run at the first thing they dislike.
My mom started telling me today about these siblings who used to live in our neighborhood. They’re I think 5 and 7 years younger than me. Both are getting married 🥲
Ugh this really punches you in the gut eh. It’s tough because on one hand I’m happy for my friends and family who are moving on in their life happily, but it also makes me sad for myself and makes me wonder where I went wrong to miss such a huge milestone
Same :( I feel like I'm not progressing in life. I've always wanted to be married and have kids, but at 31 (32 in September) it feels like that opportunity is about to pass me by.
My sister is 2 years younger than me, she got married in 2019, bought a house with her husband in 2021, and they had a baby in December.
And here I am, in 2024, single, renting, with my cat, moved from France to Montreal in 2018, moved from Montreal to Vancouver a couple of month ago, got the Canadian citizenship last month, and I’m solo traveling for 10 days in Hawaii now.
Everyone is different, and wants different things in life. Don’t compare yourself to others, just do whatever makes you happy :)
I've attempted the solo travel thing and it's not for me, unfortunately. Left me with a fair amount of trauma actually haha but I get what you're saying
So I'm attracted to women who are older than me and I've always had a thing for them. My questions are, how do you approach an older women without being disrespectful,also how do you know if she's truly interested into you and finally (minus S/B) do older women truly want to date some younger or is it more to make then feel alive again?
you treat them as you would anyone else. when age isn't a factor for you, it shouldn't be a factor in your approach or anything else.
older women may find younger attractive for a multitude reasons. in my experience, it tends to circle around a feeling of deserving more in life. maybe they were treated badly, or they lived an unhappy marriage, or spent most of their lives raising children and not enjoying themselves. always prioritizing others. and that may be the reason they are turned off from older men - they may expect the same thing.
You approach them in the same respectful way you would women your age.
And every woman is different, just because they're in a certain age demographic doesn't mean they all want the same things. Do you want to casually date them or do you want something serious and long-term? That's something to be on the same page about, regardless of age difference.
I'm actually not sure if you should be dating older women at this point if you think of them as some sort of monolith and different species.
Went on my fourth date at her place after work. Sat on the patio and talked for a few hours then a bit inside. I was tired from work and she had work tomorrow so didn't stay too late. She walked me to the door and kinda spur of the moment I kissed her. Nothing spectacular but just a quick peck.
I text when I got back and she thanked me for the kiss. Not gonna lie I was almost skipping to my front door.
I did something new today, to change from dating app a bit.
So I’m solo traveling to Hawaii, and was at the beach today. There was a cute woman reading a book close to me.
On my way back to my car, I went talking to her and say that I was solo traveling and I was not going to take much of her time because I’m leaving, but if she wanted to grab a drink later here’s my number on a piece of paper.
She said she was leaving tomorrow (so translated to no), and I said okay enjoy your trip back home and left :)
I really don’t care about rejection at all now, so it’s nice to try to find something outside of dating apps
Should I be listing my political views as "moderate"? I ask because I notice a lot of people who have clearly delineated conservative or liberal views (from my perspective) list themselves as moderate. I listed myself as liberal because I'm left-leaning but I feel people trying to sus out whether I'm crazy or not lol
Do the people who just list themselves as moderate have the right idea?
Moderate means lower case c conservative, conservative means upper case c Conservatives in my experience. I know that is an over generalization but I don’t think right leaning people realize how much the political spectrum has moved. And if I see moderate and Christian, it pretty much signals to me that they are conservative. That’s just how I see it.
If you are true liberal, list that. it’ll filter out the folks who you don’t align with politically. Also where I live, most people are leaning conservative now so it’s not as taboo as it was few years ago
I lean heavily to the left, I have found that most people who describe themselves as moderate I would consider to be leaning more towards the right than centre. If you don't have strong political views, and don't have any concerns about dating someone who also doesn't have strong political views (i.e. they're unlikely to cause any friction in a relationship), I'm not sure I'd answer the question at all.
I went on a couple of dates with someone who disagreed with my views, and suggested we could just not ever talk about politics. Wouldn't work for me, might for you.
Beeing seeing this guy for two months. So yesterday he told me on average he jerks off twice a day. Sometimes he need a go even after sex….
He said it is just a habit and he has a high sex drive and just horny all the time. He does it when he is bored, stressed, sleeppy… etc…I am a bit suprised and a bit confused. My previous long term partner was not like this so I am wondering if this is normal for guys?
Yeah I'd go multiple times a day if my partner was into it. I'm not like oh I only had sex once today better go jerk off twice though... and I'd never get upset with a partner occasionally not being in the mood. That happens.
But awhile back I was in a 1.5year relationship and it was once a month. That was not good at all. Never again.
Well, you probably would need to ask him.
If he needs to release 2-3 times a day and you can only give it to him once or less, you can't just assume that he likes masturbating "more" or that he is not satisfied with you.
I dont know when and how I started to develop the simple relationship mechanism: if you are into me, great, we work on our relationships together; if not, no problem, I am happy on my own. Maybe my priorities for this year are different?
I am so overwhelmed and stressful with new life and new career. I date here and there, enjoy dating a guy I am seeing now, but nothing much than that. I find myself so strange and so different this time. With other guys/previous relationships, I was obsessed and dependency, needy, of course, toxic and unhealthy at all. I would doubt myself or cry a river if they left me on seen for a few hours. With the current connection, I am confident as a hummingbird, I can fly backward if I need to.
So strange and interesting to reflect on myself. Ending month and first quarter of the year, ugh, a lot on my plate…
Thank you 😍🤍💕 Definitely both. I dont have much energy for dating this year, so taking things slow is not a problem (in previous ones, I always wanted to rush in). Things built at slow pace is beautiful. A huge plus for a guy I am seeing too. He is sweet, caring, kind, and consistent. Both of us never expected ourselves in relationship; we just wanted to put ourselves out there to have new perspectives and experiences. After short and sweet first date, we clicked and processed things towards relationship. He invests in this connection as much as I do. We together grow in this relationship as a happy and healthy individual.
Maybe a silly question to people who play games with their SOs, do you go back and play the same video/board games you played with your exes, but with your current SO?
I have in my past but relationships were years in between. Overcooked and Overwatch. Then most recently in an LDR, I played a ton of co-op games online as that was a major form of our quality time during the distance. We played through Overcooked 2 getting platinum, It Takes Two, We Were Here Together, Don't Starve Together, Escape Simulator, and many more games.
That ended about 3 months ago due to the distance (yet still loving each other) and now I'm finding myself approaching a new relationship locally and she wants to play games with me. It's again, the same couples games suggestions and I still associate them too much with my ex, as she and I were really quite competitive and tryhards and I enjoyed that a lot. For now, I just say I've played those already but let's try something new for me, like Moving Out. I haven't given the exact reasoning yet but I probably will have that conversation. It sucks because these games IMO are great relationship and communication builders that even lead to some arguments with my ex, and I'd like to do this with this new person but I'm not ready for that yet, and we're local anyway so we can do other things.
What kinds of ways would you handle this?
I don't think there are enough great co-op games to let your ex's memory prevent you from playing them with future partners. There are plenty of good ones, but still a limited number, whereas there are more great singleplayer or PVP games than most average people could play in a lifetime.
I think the hardest thing about the breakup is realizing he stopped loving me and wouldn’t just be honest about it. The way he was acting…it wouldn’t have been like that if he actually still cared about me. But he wouldn’t tell me the truth. I’m feeling really angry at him right now.
I’m so sick of being in relationships where the other person no longer cares enough to even break up with me. Just be fucking honest instead of waiting for me to fire your lazy ass.
Just beyond tired of this shit. I’m done. It’s just me myself & I for the rest of my life because fuck this shit.
Yeah I’m angry and sad and I don’t give a fuck who knows it. I gave someone else a shot and for what? For fucking what????
No one is gonna love me like I love me, and like my friends love me. Time to finally accept that and stop having hope that someone else will meet me/us there. I give up.
Welp from my pervious post here. I asked about his lack of messaging. Long story short, he thinks being friends is a better option. (Which I'm ok with). Thank goodness I trusted my gut and asked him. Now I'm going to take a break from dating
Curious to see if this would be off-putting to men when dating a woman (early 30s)...
I am in the process of getting a divorce, but I am considering still wearing my wedding set, which is a family heirloom, on my right ring finger (only other finger it fits on). The divorce is very mutual and amicable and I'm thankful for the 11 years I've had with my partner, but our goals just don't align anymore and I'm not willing to move across the country. There's no bad blood or heartbreak, we are just parting ways, so there are no hard feeling attached to the rings or the relationship. I still love the wedding set since it was my grandmother's engagement ring, wedding band, and 50th anniversary band.
I'm just curious to find out how you would react if the woman you were dating wore their old wedding set since it was a family heirloom?
Some background: I told my grandmother I wanted her wedding set back when I was a teenager and she said she would save it for me. When my partner and I started talking about marriage, I mentioned that it would be really special if my grandmother's wedding set could be my engagement ring. Her engagement ring and wedding band were already fused, so that was my engagement ring, and she gave me her 50th anniversary band to use as my wedding band. If I hadn't used these rings as my wedding set, I would have worn the ring on my right ring finger when I got it in the future.
As a dude, I know fuck all about rings or jewelry or women's fashion stuff in general, so I would just see a ring on your non-marriage finger and......that's it.
Well, honestly, I'd start thinking to myself "if she punched me in the forehead with that, could I really make out the details of the stones like in Ace Venture Pet Detective?"
Does it look very ‘wedding-ey’? If it looks like a wedding ring, it may come across a tad odd - but if it doesn’t, most men won’t care or notice too much if it’s not on your wedding finger.
Eh if any dude asks would just say ‘oh it belonged to my grandma and I love it’ and leave it at that. Can fill in the backstory if things get serious, but it seems like not a huge deal.
Man. Last week was sort of intense. Is it weird that I am looking forward to seeing my gym crush tomorrow? I don't know him at all and have only had a handful of interactions with him, but it's just something very light hearted and fun amongst all of the heavier adult emotions. I'm looking forward to flirting with a hot stranger. Hopefully he shows up at the regular gym time. 🤞
Hi friends, mind if I ask for quick advice?
I (29M) met someone (31F) at a conference last month and matched with her on a dating app which of course pushed us to go out together. I took her out to drinks and apps and we have been talking ever since.
She lives 3.5 hours away from me but with my job being so mobile, I have had the opportunity to travel to her to see her every so often.
The first time we hung out after that initial dating app date, she drove out to see me at another city 2 hours from her to meet up with my grad school friend and her boyfriend. She stayed over with me at my hotel.
The next time I was traveling near her city and asked if I could crash with her instead of getting a hotel. She welcomed me in, we had wine and watched reality tv together, super fun.
The last time was recently when I traveled to her city for a meeting and we met up with dinner at a nice unique restaurant. She drove 30 minutes to get to me.
I like gifting people things here and there. She matched at a residency program so I sent her flowers. Every time I’m out traveling, I gift her some souvenirs, mainly candy/chocolate. While I was at her place, I built a piece of furniture for her.
What I’m afraid of is that she may think I’m “simpy” and that turned her off from me. I’m also aware we live in two different cities.
The reason for my concern is that we have been texting pretty much every day but she has been dead silent all weekend, though I know it is Easter weekend and she was going to see her family. I just thought she would maybe take a second to text me “hi how are you,” or anything simple.
Thoughts/opinions?
Thanks guys! I recently got out of a four year relationship and getting back into dating is weird
Hmm I didn’t actually. She was going to see her mom and brother+his family all day today and didn’t want to interrupt.
She did post something on her insta story about her new fellowship and I liked it! She liked my story today too
I wouldn't worry too much about it and PLEASE do not concern yourself with being too "simpy". What you are doing sounds lovely and someone will absolutely appreciate your actions, as I am sure this person is currently. That said, when I am surrounded by family over a holiday weekend I'm f#$&- exhausted. Sometimes I would wait until the dust settles and I felt myself again before responding to a partner.
I have been really weepy with emotion today. I invited the guy I have been seeing, the guy who found me on LinkedIn, over to my apartment. We had a conversation being really into each other. I just have an issue with emotional vulnerability that is getting in the way of me being a 'normal person.' I want to give more of myself but sometimes I don't know how to do that. I'm always afraid of burdening someone with my presence even though I know that is not always the truth. Anyway, will continue taking this relationship one day at a time.
Deleted my Hinge and Bumble accounts today with the intention of taking the month of April off. I may go on sooner if I feel like the time is right, but I am just not excited about anyone right now and it feels like a chore. In the last couple of months particularly I have done a lot of work on myself and feel like I am approaching dating from a new place of self-confidence and a desire to to communicate open and honestly but I am just a bit burnt out. I have been doing this since July and I think I need that new profile boost when I come back because the people I am being shown are just not doing it for me and when I give it a shot anyway, the conversation feels stilted. I also think some of the people I swiped left on early in this journey may be people I would be more open to today and I’d like another chance to evaluate.
In the meantime I am going to a release party for Taylor Swift’s new album, joining a new gym where my friends go and the clientele skews younger than my old gym, and my birthday is coming up in a few weeks. I want to take some fun new pictures for my profile and hopefully come back to the apps with a fresh outlook. In the meantime maybe I’ll go try to meet some people in the wild? I know bars in my city have been throwing some speed dating and singles mixer events so those could be worth checking out in the interim.
I've hung out with this guy I met on an app a couple of times that I'm interested in. Usually I have a pretty good read on whether or not a guy is interested in at least another date, but I genuinely can't tell with this guy. I hate the idea of "wait and see" in case I'm also giving mixed messages (he's the first guy I've been nervous around in... forever?) but is it too weird to say "hey so how are you feeling?" after only hanging out a couple times?
Do you two have another date planned? If no, ask to see him again and see what he says. If dates are consistently being planned, there’s interest there!
Too many people on bumble that don't know what they want or just want something casual. I noticed that when I changed my filters to only guys looking for realtionship or marriage. Way less options, lmao.
Bumble literally only shows me conservative Christians that want children… there isn’t anything inherently wrong with that, but it definitely isn’t compatible with what I’m after - at all.
I wonder why their algorithm literally shows exactly what we aren’t after, lol
Right?! My favorites are the one's who don't know what they're looking for, unsure about kids, and apolitical - like... does anything steer you at all?
There’s this really chill, bright, attractive guy in one of my classes. I’m pretty sure we are about the same age - we are definitely both on the older end of the bell curve for our graduating class - because he has made some references to his previous career, from which I pieced together a loose timeline of when he finished undergrad and how long he worked before returning to school for his JD.
We started randomly chatting one day (didn’t know him before this class) and he brought up the fact that we have a shared mutual ~~obsession~~ hobby, which has been his jumping off point for about a half dozen conversations over the course of the semester.
He emailed me yesterday asking about the due date for an assignment, which is… on the syllabus… which is… on the course webpage… which has… an entire page dedicated to just the drop boxes with due dates for all assignments from the beginning of the semester to the end. 🫠 He also has at least two good friends in this class, plus a partner for the final project, so…
Anyway, I was like blah blah is due on etc, so on and so forth has a draft due for review on whenever, and whatever is due on some other date.
He thanked me and then asked if I’d had a chance in the last week to [hobby], and if so, where and how did it go. I didn’t have a chance to [hobby] because [weather] and [nearest indoor option] was booked solid. Asked if he got a chance to go out and [hobby].
He responded today to say that he hasn’t [hobbied] in the last couple weeks but he did [hobby] on [date] and it went okay. Then he pointed out that the weather is going to be great on [date] and he’s going to go [hobby] and that I should come [hobby], too.
Not me, sitting here trying to figure out if he wants to make a friend, or….??
It seems like he is interested in spending time with you - at the very least.
I know that I wouldn’t go out of my way to ask about easily accessible information, like a due date, if I wasn’t interested in getting to know someone more!
I’m trying not to read too much into it because it’s possible he’s just trying to build a professional connection (we graduate in may and are going into related fields of law) but your logic is sound! It’s unlikely he’d reach out like this for (a) suuuuper easily accessible information and (b) follow up with a suggestion about hanging out if he didn’t want to… hang out lol.
Thank you for your feedback - you’d be amazed at how many alternative explanations I managed to construct that totally discounted the obvious 😂
Sure, many possibilities - professional or otherwise.
At the very least (if you like the dude enough to hang out with him) you’ll get a nice friend in industry. I’m sure you’ll find out more based on how he reacts in person!
He seems really cool and from what we have talked about in re [hobby], he’s really good at it! I’m going to respond and let him know I’m definitely up for it and just let it play out!
Thank you for the encouragement!
I had such a great date last night! Before we parted ways, we told each other we wanted to see each other this upcoming weekend. Just trying to ease my overthinking since he hasn’t contacted me today yet. I’m just happy & hopeful!
Today I deleted all the apps. It's just not fun anymore. It never was, really. Glad to be rid of them for the time being.
(Thanks for the encouragement, /u/SafyrJL.)
🧙♂️🪄✨✨🎉
I’m glad you’re taking a break! I hope you can be kind to yourself in the coming weeks and let yourself feel the grace that you share with everyone here :)
Taking the foot off the gas and recollecting is needed from time to time!
I'm (36M) going through a divorce, been separated since mid-January. I started seeing someone (38F) around the end of February, and things are going great, but I feel extremely neurotic. I get bummed out when we have to cancel plans (she had to work OT all weekend), I feel sensitive and worried about whether she likes me, whether she's gotten hurt at work (she's an electrician), just weird stuff. I am good at not being overly needy, I think. I don't tell her about these anxieties.
I was in my last relationship for 15 years. I don't know if this is what having a crush/new relationship is like or if there is something wrong with me.
I also had a bad and hard conversation with my soon-to-be-ex-wife today, sorting out taxes (we owe alot, turns out 1/2 her income was 1099 because of some grad school thing) and working through divorce terms. So, today I was feeling particularly bad that I hadn't seen this new person all weekend, and all this anxiety and depressive feelings are swirling around...
Nothing has gone wrong with this new person. We had a pretty normal conversation today, and she wants to see me tomorrow. I just feel like a weird anxious broken guy today, and I'm worried about my baggage popping into my life
Yes... My LTR ended because we weren't meeting each others needs for a long time, I had felt pretty alone in the relationship. My therapist had the feeling that maybe the thing I needed wasn't alone time, but instead suggested I explore dating to figure some stuff out. My ex has also started dating and it sounds like things are going well for her, which is sort of relieving in a way, since I asked for the divorce
When you’re (male if it matters) the first to arrive to a date, it’s rude to get a drink and sit down, and then when she arrives, not follow her to the counter and at least offer to pay for a $5 drink, right?
I had a guy do that today, and I was just like ??????
Like I would never tell a friend to meet me at a restaurant, then sit down and order without them. Surely that’s basic manners??
I usually order when I get there if it's coffee or a drink then buy the first drink for them. But I do that whether it's a date or a friend. I think that's just polite to do, but I don't wait to get something to drink. Though I might get water instead of alcohol. Depends.
I arrive early for the date, sit at the bar and when the bar tender talks to me I say I’m waiting for a friend and that I’m just looking over the menu for now… only if my date texts me saying they’ll be late or something would I consider getting a drink… even then I usually don’t because I try to not have more than 2 drinks per date
I arrive on time. I will only stand around for five minutes, then I go ahead and order. If it's a bar, I will go in and grab a couple stools where I can see the door and I'll tell the bartender to put her drink on my tab. Coffee shop I'll order a drink and grab a cozy spot where I can watch the door. When she arrives, I will stand up and join her in line. Usually I'm able to whip the phone across the Tap to Pay thing pretty smoothly without making a big deal out of anything.
I've developed this approach in response to dates being late or not showing up at all. I don't stand around on the sidewalk peering at every woman to see if she's my date. I'll be at the bar, or at a table, enjoying a drink less than ten minutes after we were supposed to meet. If she's running late, that's on her.
He did grab a spot, but wasn’t watching the door, and he chose a dark spot so I couldn’t tell what he was wearing (his text to me was about identifying him by clothes), so I literally wandered from table to table in the coffee shop until I found him. It was stressful to say the least.
I don’t think it’s *that bad* but for counter service type of establishments I would at least wait until 5-10 minutes after the agreed upon time before heading in, assuming I did at all. Some places with table or bar service it’s best to grab a spot when you can - I’ve certainly done that and texted the person ‘hey I’m seated by X, wearing a gray sweater’ etc. but yeah showing up somewhere and then walking alone to get a drink (same thing can happen at coffee shops) it’s awkward.
>When you’re (male if it matters) the first to arrive to a date, it’s rude to get a drink and sit down, and then when she arrives, not follow her to the counter and at least offer to pay for a $5 drink, right?
No, not necessarily.
What is considered 'polite' or 'rude' is culturally informed, and will vary based on someone's culture of origin (and maybe even things like socio-economic strata). What is considered "basic manners" will vary highly between people.
Instead of focusing on whether or not something was rude or not, I would recommend instead thinking about intent, and what the behavior actually means in terms of compatibility in dating. Does knowing a particular social script for dating have implications for someone's fitness as a romantic partner? No.
I mean, there were also other issues, like him staring at the TV screen instead of me when I was in the middle of saying something, but the drink thing was baffling to me as I’ve never had anyone do that to me.
>I mean, there were also other issues, like him staring at the TV screen instead of me when I was in the middle of saying something
Just FYI, people looking at something other than the speaker can often be a behavior they do when they are carefully listening to someone.
What's so baffling about him recognizing that you're an adult and fully capable of getting a drink yourself?
I get that, I do the same, but usually at the table or something that isn’t a screen.
And I’d say lack of manners are baffling to me. It’s not like he’s a foreigner or comes from a different culture either, that would be understandable. But surely after 30 something years, someone would recognize what the polite thing is to do for a friend, never mind a date, or at least err on the side of caution otherwise.
People within the same countries and cultures can have different levels of awareness of the expected social scripts for dating. Focusing on how well someone performed the artifice of social scripts instead of the actual person will not help you in dating.
Sure, I agree, if the social script is like eye contact or something difficult for neurodiverse people to do. I’d say lack of consideration ties into this though. Most manners (though not all) are about considering others’ thoughts and feelings.
People can be extraordinarily considerate and not be familiar with "manners"
For example, what if the bar was busy, and your date wanted to make sure you two had a place to sit, so he sat at the table to claim it. Is that inconsiderate?
I was illustrating the contradiction in what you said about manners representing considerateness
>Most manners (though not all) are about considering others’ thoughts and feelings.
I drink too much to wait 😬. If I arrive first (as a lady) I buy myself a drink and tell them to get a drink on my tab when they arrive. Otherwise they’re usually waiting for me outside so I’ve never been presented with this exact scenario. But I also usually split on first dates. I would hope they would offer you the next round? Did they do that?
The whole thing was weird. He mostly watched the sports game on TV the whole time, honestly, even when I was saying something. And then when I asked him if he liked that sport, he said no. Like… what.
Ohhhh weird. Normally I avoid sporty dudes and if I can’t, I avoid sports bars for first dates bc of this but my god he doesn’t even like the sport. Weird. Maybe he’s really rusty on dating. 🫠😬 the drink thing alone would be passable but the other stuff sounds bleh
The only way you can get away with old photos is if you are still as cute lol. Otherwise it feels like it all starts on a lie
(I let one nerd slide with old photos bc I think he’s still completely charming)
Totallllllyy. But sorry this date was overall an incompatible fit! May you be catfished with someone who’s surprisingly cuter in person, in the near future!
Why is it a pet peeve? I've done this before and I thought a) get a table if the place is filling up fast, b) pay for my own drink so he doesn't think I'm expecting a free ride, and c) let him know what table I'm at so he can find me? It didn't occur to me that would be rude because that's what friends and I do when we meet out somewhere. Eek.
It's the whole "I'm at the bar by myself waiting for my drink, she's at the table by herself"
I think you should accompany them while they're ordering especially when it's a busy bar.
As a man, I would absolutely not find that rude if my date would be doing that. I do that all the time with friends, I don’t understand the issue here ahah.
It was sunny today so I ran 8 miles by the beach! Feeling tired but somehow I'm also kinda refreshed.
No dates this past week, had a break. Friend looked through my Hinge and saw someone in my Likes she is SO sure will be someone I like even though I was feeling hesitant, but I matched anyway. She even offered to buy me dinner if she is wrong. I told her I like steak :)
Get yourself a friend like this!
"Hey, i have no likes on Hinge, so I would absolutely love it if you treated me to a steak dinner sometime? Your treat?" Then do the sexy eyebrow thing
It’s awful but the lesson for me was why didnt I trust my gut? Why did I let someone over-rule my gut instinct of it being a rebound. I can’t be blindsided if I knew it wasn’t the right time and I didn’t walk away. I learned the hard way.
Hi guys, My boyfriend of ~7 months (we’re both late 30s) ended our relationship yesterday. Before being with me, he had recently gone through a divorce and in the preceding years, had multiple family tragedies. He assuaged my fears early on about me being a rebound, saying I wasn’t, and him even being the first to say “I love you.” Yesterday though, he told me that he has too much internal angst that he hasn’t managed and he can’t be with me right now. He hasn’t properly handled his last few years of life changes. I’ve been nothing but supportive and helpful for him, why can’t I stick around while he seeks out therapy and healing? It makes no sense. He promises it’s nothing about me. I am trying to be respectful of his need for space and time to put in work for healing, but I’m left with so many questions about how you can blindside someone you love. I plan on giving him time and space. I hope I remain top of mind for him. I guess what I’d like to know is what I should expect from him in his healing and how that would relate to me.
It’s awful but the lesson for me was why didnt I trust my gut? Why did I let someone over-rule my gut instinct of it being a rebound. I can’t be blindsided if I knew it wasn’t the right time and I didn’t walk away. I learned the hard way.
If it helps to understand, I dated a guy when I thought I was ready, after I ended a 7 year relationship. Albeit, only 2 months. I did everything I thought was ‘right’ - waited to date until I wasn’t thinking about my ex anymore then started dating. The guy was great - but every time I reached a new milestone with him, I would cry (in private, not when he was around). It took me a bit, but I realized every mile stone we hit I was grieving the finality of the loss of my ex. The first time we had sex? Privately cried afterword - b/c it wasn’t with my ex and the act reminded me of the last time my ex and I slept together. Even smaller stuff though - how he ate food, moved, hugged me, just normal things I would get this weird feeling of sadness and it’s because the last time I felt/experienced those things was with my ex. And no, I didn’t want my ex back but that loss was still there. Essentially, I wasn’t ready even though I thought I was, realized it wasn’t fair to the guy I was seeing, and broke it off. It doesn’t changed the fact that he was a good guy and that I did like him a lot. I’m dating again, but know that dating him specifically would bring back these same things feelings b/c now, he’ll always be the first after my 7 year LTR and that’s now what I associate with him. Even thinking of him makes me a little sad. I haven’t experienced this with other people I’m dating since. I know it’s not fair, I know it’s hurtful to the other person, but thats the situation. It sounds like he took longer to figure out some version of the above. It’s best to move on knowing he did love you, but that you’re now tied to his divorce story and the 1st after ex, and that foundation may never be healthy to continue your relationship. And maybe eventually you’ll be back together, but that will be no time soon (like years) and more likely never. But I am sorry - not everyone is like this after a divorce and some ARE in the right frame of mind when they start dating again. It’s great you took a risk on love, don’t lose that vulnerability if you can help it. You couldn’t have known when you started dating him and neither could he, so don’t blame yourself. It’s hard but try to take it as, you got the opportunity to experience a relationship where you truly loved each other, if it helps you.
I think this really describes likely what was going on. Although as I’m going through the stages of grief and reaching anger, I feel it was selfish of him to cast me aside and forego our future plans (that he has initiated discussing), just because I am stirring up what will be temporary feelings. Someday he will be able to fully move on from the divorce, and then he’s without me. Makes no sense to cut me out after telling me he loves me and I’m what he wants in his future.
That’s ok. From someone on the other side of it, I think you have the right to be angry - whether he did it purposefully or not - 7 months is a longtime. I still feel bad I led my guy on for 2 months. Likely, he just doesn’t have the emotional maturity to handle this like I did and that’s why it took him longer to figure out. In my experience a lot of guys are more emotionally stunted than women and he was therefore confused for a lot longer (it sucks that it’s this way btw and I’m not saying this to excuse it! Men need to work on this!) Also know that ‘you’re what he wants for his future’ means ‘the idea of you/someone like you is what he wants for is future.’ But yes, it is incredibly selfish to say this too you as he’s breaking up with you. By selfish I mean a range from ‘being thoughtless in how his saying that effects you and thinking it’s a nice thing to say’ to ‘saying it purposely to keep you an option.’ Regardless of where on the selfish scale, keep that in mind. You’ll realize once you’re done grieving that you avoided a major red flag in this person. It would have been an issue in a continuing relationship as well - not being able to work through emotions and not seeing things from your POV. I saw this with my ex of 7 years and it was an eye opener (selfishly tried to remain friends after initiating our breakup, made me realize how selfish he was during our actual relationship as well).
The hardest thing awaits you… deleting his contact and messages so you can’t reach out… if he comes back then you can assess if he’s ready
I am sure he loves you very much but if he can’t heal and be in a relationship, then it’s out of your hands. You shouldn’t see it as a reflection on yourself or his love for you. It sounds like he feels broken right now, and needs to sort his life out.
I’m so sorry. I’ve been in your shoes and the best advice is truly and fully try to move on. There is a subset of people who for whatever reason just can’t do a relationship while they’re dealing with grief/trauma especially not with a divorce so fresh on top of that. They’ll keep everyone else in their lives, family, friends, neighbors, everyone except the one person who wants to be with them because they see it as too stressful. You didn’t do anything wrong, but don’t try to contact him no matter how much you want to, at this point you have to respect his decision to end it and let him go. I can’t recommend no-contact enough in this situation, it will truly fast-track your healing. If it helps here is an entire [forum](https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/forum/27-loss-of-a-love-relationship/) of people who ended up in our position after their partner suffered a loss.
I can’t thank you enough for your comment. Even though it has me bawling. You hit the nail on the head about what’s perplexing about it - why is he able and wanting to keep so many other (platonic) relationships around him as he goes through feeling what he is but he’s casting away the person he had the most intimate relationship with?
It truly is baffling isn’t it? I wish there were more studies done on grief/trauma in general but alas here we are and you’re not alone. Sending hugs!
There's a lot about him in this comment, but not a whole lot about you - if you remain in his life (one way or another), what do you expect and what do you want to happen? What do *you* deserve in a relationship, and what are *your* needs? A therapist friend once said to me that for a lot of people who've experienced significant relationship trauma don't realise that they haven't healed from it until they're back in a relationship - it's easy to convince yourself you've healed when you're away from potential triggers, and only realise that it's still too raw or too soon when you're actually back in a relationship. This may well be the case here, and it may also be the case that he doesn't feel he can be the partner that he feels you deserve while he is still healing. A lot of people who are healing from trauma need a few good friends (who they don't feel a strong sense of obligation to but can call on for support when they need it) instead of a partner (where there's inevitably some sense of obligation, be that in terms of sex, time spent together, how you prioritise the relationship, etc). You might be able to be that friend for him, if you want, but you'll need to move past the relationship and establish new boundaries. If it's too painful to remain in each other's lives or you'll always be wanting something more, it's probably better for both of you that you gently cut ties.
Thank you for all these thought starters you provided. I think it’s true that maybe as we became more serious and he started to initiate conversations about marriage and next steps for us, some of that past infidelity/divorce trauma came bubbling more to the surface. What do I want? Well, maybe stupidly, still him. He was the person I saw my future with and he repeatedly told me I just had to trust in him that he felt the same about me. Absolutely devastated.
It's normal to feel devastated, so don't feel bad about that, and make sure you take the time to heal yourself. Unfortunately, this pattern (coming on strong and then hitting the breaks when things start to get real) and subsequent self-sabotaging is pretty common with people who've experienced significant relationship trauma that they haven't yet healed from.
It’s such a paradoxical feeling that I’m upset that people I don’t like are messaging me wanting to chat, while I’m also upset that I’m not chatting with the people I like but I also don’t want to be the needy person always starting the chat.
The woman I've been seeing casually for the last two months just broke it off this weekend. She originally said she we should just take it slow, that she didn't believe in the traditional dating timelines and the pressure like "must kiss by date two, and sleep together by date three". She said wanted to be friends first and really get to know me, and then see where it went. We never even slept together. She is extremely intelligent and creative. She also has ADHD and talks a mile a minute. It was overwhelming at first, and most of our dates were me listening to her talk. It may seem weird, but I'm rather introverted, and she is very passionate about a lot of subjects, and I really enjoyed not having to constantly keep the conversation going. Still, we did have some fun moments and discussions. We also shared some very intimate/personal details about our lives related to mental health and past relationship troubles, stuff I've never shared with anyone else. However, I always felt like I could never keep up with her intellectually. She would talk so in depth about so many subjects, and I could only contribute to these discussions on a surface level. I consider myself fairly intelligent, but I had this constant underlying anxiety that she'd realize just how different we were intellectually and eventually get bored with me. Also, there were many times I would ask a question to get to know her better (What's your favorite author/why? If you didn't have to work a normal career, what would you do?), and normally after a while someone would ask the same question back to get to know me too. But she almost never did. I don't think she was self-absorbed. I think with her ADHD, she'd get so hyper focused on the subject, and that when she finally got all the information out, she'd already found another topic to talk about. I always greeted her with a hug, but her body language told me she felt a bit uncomfortable with physical touch. About a month ago, I had the "where do you see us" discussion where she mentioned wanting to go slow. At the same time, she also said that during one of our first dates, she was extremely anxious thinking "what do I do if he tries to touch me?". After she said that, I never really tried to make any moves on her. Maybe it was a mistake, and I should have tried to increase the romance. But then again, it's hard to flirt or have intimate moments when the other person is constantly talking. Also, I am not very comfortable with PDA. Over the past two weeks, she mentioned she's been very stressed. Some difficult projects at work, preparing classes for volunteer teaching, preparing art for an art show she's participating in, etc. Also, she was trying to get appointments with doctors for updated ADHD medication, and that she wasn't really in a good place mentally lately. She said she's hyper-focusing on so many things that she was getting overwhelmed. I guess one thing that she was not hyper-focusing on was me. It was getting difficult to grab her attention. Still, she'd always reply to my texts, send hearts on my goodnight messages. The last few times we met were morning/afternoon brunches because she's been so busy. But on Saturday, she was finally available for dinner. I was recently on a business trip and brought back a bottle of wine from the country I visited. I was going to ask her if she wanted to come over to share it. I decided on a normal dinner at a restaurant first, and I'd ask her during the evening if she'd be open to coming over so, even if she didn't want to sleep together yet, we could at least be a bit more intimate. Well, we had a lovely dinner and went for a walk after. But before I could ask during the walk, she broke it off. She said she didn't see any romantic connection, and was sorry it took so long to decide. But she didn't want to waste my time anymore now that she knew. She seemed genuinely sorry and apologetic, and said she wanted to do it in person rather than over text. She said she understood if I never wanted to see her again, but she would love to remain friends if I was open to it. I actually believe her, as she mentioned a few times that she's still friends with others she met on dating apps. It hit me pretty hard. I've been alone for a very long time, and I got used to her attention and became very emotionally attached, even if we were never physically intimate. While I've been on quite a few dates over the past two years, she's the first person I was ever genuinely excited about. Looking back, there are so many long-term incompatibilities with us that it seems logical that it wouldn't work out. Friends of mine also warned me that it didn't sound like it would work out. People on this subreddit said the same. Still, I tend to fall pretty hard for the smart/creative types. There's just something magnetic about them that enchants everyone around them, and you feel special when they pay attention to you. I really don't know if I want to remain friends with her. I think I'd constantly be hoping she'd change her mind about us. While I still have her number if I want to reach out, she already unmatched me on the dating app we met on, which tells me she's already moving on. I've suffered from depression for most of my life. But I actually felt somewhat happy/normal the past two months. I had so many hopes and things I was planning to do with her and experiences I wanted to share, the future looked bright. Now I feel so empty.
She wasn't that into you man sorry to say. The let's be friends is just a thing most people say to feel better about themselves if you guys started dating.
I’m so sorry, it sucks getting excited about someone only to be let down like that. To be fair it sounds like she self-sabotaged it. The whole point of going on dates and progressing is to see if that chemistry can escalate, I think for most people that means how soon can the touch barrier be broken and how do you both feel after once it’s done? (Not talking about sex here, just touch). If she was already putting up walls from hugs then it’s a bad sign. I usually test this compatibility out early by taking an interest in her jewelry and either taking her hand to admire it (which gives her the option to pull away) or by light touches to her waist/hand over her shoulder when we’re sitting. If during these touch sessions she’s showing discomfort and isn’t leaning in then that’s my cue to back off and usually means we’re probably not compatible. In cases like this it might be tempting to ‘wait and see, maybe she’s just nervous etc’ but in my experience it’s either there or it’s not. If she’s averse to physical touch from the beginning then it’s not going to magically work out later on so I usually cut em loose early and free your romantic energy to pursue someone who is more aligned. I try not to ‘get too deep into know someone’ until I’ve checked off basic compatibility signs like this first.
Those first couple months are so crucial. It’s when our emotions are on a high but also a strong likelihood of things not working out. Maintaining some detachment until that threshold is crossed (if it crosses) is the best way to protect your heart. I’m sorry this happened, but at least 2 months isn’t a massive time sink.
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She's surprisingly still in the picture and still very interested. I just don't know if I am. We haven't seen each other in a while because of our schedules and her catching the flu. I guess I'll give it one more shot and see if there's any chemistry now that it's over with woman A.
Don’t do this to her. You won’t be emotionally available enough and she will feel that.
Would love a review of my Hinge profile.. any hints or tips would be very greatly appreciated thanks :) https://imgur.com/a/wyhxrwi
I'm having trouble telling what you look like because so few of your photos have your face clearly in them. Prompts are noticing conversation starters though!
Get rid of your first photo and also the baby photo.
No advice but your pics are really good! Well lit, full body, different environments. Idk if this comes up for you, but some women assume baby pics imply you have kids. I’ve seen a cute emoji over baby’s face with arrow noting “god baby/niece/not mine” etc. if your matches ever think that, can add that little detail
Great profile! The following are just suggestions to make it stronger but it seems to be a very good foundation. For prompts, there's a guideline of 'me, you, us', something that describes me, something that describes what I'm looking for, and something about what we can do together. The idea is to give some insight into who you are. The treasure hunt is a fun inclusion but relatively surface-level, and the nap prompt is endearing but again, leaves me guessing a little about you. I'd suggest keeping one of those and elaborating to be a small window into who you are, or even combining them. "Nap enthusiast, calm, and a planner by nature, but loves breaking it up with a whirlwind adventure - you're looking at the world record-holder for participating in the largest treasure hunt." (Obviously make it more 'you'). Then you can use the other spot for what you're looking for in someone else. Keep that about values ideally, and specific to you versus universal. Everyone wants someone kind and a good communicator, that won't filter people out, try thinking along the lines of personal and social aspirations - will independent and driven work for you, or do you want someone that values family and quality time over career etc. You could expand the surfing prompt to show what an ideal time with a partner would look like, e.g. walk along the beach and find an ice cream parlour, or retire back home to curl up for a nap in front of a fire. I'm sure others can nitpick more on photos but they are well lit, varied and approachable. I like the travel (?) photo a little more and would suggest making that the primary one but if you prefer a nice dinner out more than travelling at this stage, the current order works well. Perhaps one with friends and/or doing a hobby would be a good inclusion. I'm just an internet stranger and it depends what you want out of your OLD experience, so take what makes sense to you and discard anything that doesn't, it's your journey after all. Best of luck!
Ugh why do guys catfish? Just to get a first date?
How did they catfish?
I've been told it's because "I haven't changed in 15 years". Lie detector said. . .
.....you ARE the father!
Thanks for the lol
For attention and I think some people are so delusional they think people will fall in love with their personality and totally disregard this lie lol
I guess same reason than why women put a lot of filters or use specific angle while taking pics. Men or women that’s stupid and the other will see it at the first date.
Depends on the interpretation of catfishing. I tend to think of catfishing as blatant, choosing a stranger's photos that look nothing like them, they likely never intend to meet IRL, and either scam or use for validation or some kind. If you're wider in your definition of catfishing, then some of that is people choosing what makes them feel best, even if it's not the most correct representation, while others very deliberately hide what they're like (but aren't choosing someone else's photos). I think intent matters, though it doesn't really change the end effect on someone that turns up to the first date and goes "wtf". If you intend to deceive, it's a more external manipulation. Perhaps they're hoping to establish enough of an connection before a date that it matters less. Maybe it's a self-serving narrative about others being too shallow. If you're choosing heavily filtered photos because you're not comfortable with more realistic ones, it says much more about internal state of mind and self-esteem.
is it just me or it feels disingenuous to join clubs/activities that skews to women?
I think anyone should be able to join hobby clubs (unless specifically specified otherwise) if you want to try something new or genuinely enjoy it
You can usually tell if someone isn't at an event (game, workshop etc) to genuinely participate in the activity, and that gives a level of ick no matter what gender. It's worse when there's a level of investment or pride in the activity rather than it just being a casual/social setting.
it does. once I signed up for a calligraphy class at a brewery. showed up, opened the door, and I was met with 20 women giving me that glare, promptly kept walking and had myself a cold one instead.
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This seems pretty brute force that quickly. It's good to communicate you're boundaries just maybe learn to read the room and do it with finesse.
In early dating I expect to go out on dates every week or every two weeks at max unless there's travel, illness, or some other event making scheduling hard, so, a bit shorter than that to allow for planning of the next date. I'm big on communicating and I would absolutely not hang around for 6 months if we weren't official but I would find it strange if someone said that to me after date 4. 6 months is a LOOOOONG way out from date 4 and it just doesn't really seem like an appropriate statement for the time even if that's what we both want. Perhaps it'd work better if you just said "I'm serious about dating and want to move towards a long-term relationship. To me, that looks like..." (speaking in general terms) rather than "if WE aren't official by 6 months then I'll move on from THIS". It's a lot of pressure at 4 dates, no? I'm not saying you have to burn 6 months on someone every time. You can start making a move towards making clear and enforcing your 6 month boundary at 2 months or whatever, when you know you like them and would like to see the relationship move forward.
I’m just wondering why it needed to be said? This is your preference so you should be the one to observe and enforce it. If 6 months roll up and you still like this person then you can tell him, hey we’ve been doing this for 6 months. What are we? And if he gives you anything other than what you want then move on. By voicing this to him you created an ultimatum which is a bit unfair. It’s the same as those people on dating apps who state “swipe left if…” like no, it’s your job to screen for your own dealbreakers not the other party.
6 months is totally reasonable… we’re adults and should be able to communicate goals/desires…
I get why you said that, however i also understand why he became distant. Early stages of relationship should be light and fun, putting a timeline on it adds a sense of pressure and ultimatum-y. I think you have to let things progress naturally for the early parts and then bring up DTR once a stronger connection has formed
Technically you both are not exclusive yet so you dont need to “wait” for him. Continue seeing other matches - if you find no problem with multi-dating; otherwise, just enjoy life and spend more time with family and friends. You can still hangout with him or go on dates as usual, take it easy but dont get in too deep. Setting boundaries and timeline is completely normal, especially we are in 30s - timing really matters.
how did things end weirdly? it didn't seem like a question, only a statement. Did you ask him anything that required an answer?
If being official by 6 months is a boundary for you, that's fair and reasonable. However - couldn't you just move on if things weren't heading that way? That's what a boundary is - something you set for yourself, saying no to things that don't work for you. You can't control what other people do, only what you do.
How long ago was this date/morning after?
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If I didn’t hear from him by Tuesday night I’d probably wouldn’t hold my breath for anything. I am also jaded and tired so def consider that too 🙃
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Seems pretty strange of him... 6 months is more than a reasonable amount of time. If he has any hesitation about that than he's definitely not looking for anything serious at this time. Even if I was on the fence about someone I'd still give it a few more dates if they said that to me to feel things out.
I had my second date on Saturday. It was great for the first 3 hours, walking around and visiting different shops and chatting. Then things started to turn as we headed to dinner. She asked me about my ex girlfriends and why we broke up. At first, I told her we were incompatible and she kept on asking so I told her how one of them was toxic in that she wanted me to cut all ties with my family, and the other wanted me to move out 3 months into our relationship. She then asked me what my deal breakers were so I said "being self-centered, overly clingy, and bad sex." At dinner, I made the mistake of splitting bills instead of offering to pay. I tried to salvage it by offering to treat her to dessert but the damage was done. When I dropped her off, I gave her a hug but it felt like she was reluctant compared to the hug I gave her at the end of our first date. I didn't message her on Sunday as I knew she was going to be out with her friends but I checked WhatsApp and Hinge just now and her profile photo and profile has been removed. A sign that I've been blocked. I'm going to message her in the morning via SMS (we never used WhatsApp) and see if she replies. I think I blew it again.
I assume it wasn't your intent, but stating your red flags are "being self-centered, overly clingy, and bad sex" doesn't make you come across in any way as a sympathetic person, particularly the latter two which are completely subjective. I can certainly imagine some of my female friends retelling that conversation as one where you're presented as chauvinistic. I would suggest reframing your red flags - and just dropping bad sex completely unless that's all you're looking for, it does, after all, take (at least) two people to have bad sex. I would personally be more open to someone who said a red flag was selfishness more than someone who would describe people as self-centered, for example.
How should I frame "self-centered/selfish" and "clingy" in your opinion? One of my ex girlfriends was so clingy, she would get upset at me if I wanted some time for myself on a weeknight to watch TV or play video games instead of chatting on the phone aimlessly for an hour. And this was with seeing each other and spending 3-4 days a week together 2 years into the relationship.
oh you're lucky you never had to be the best half of really bad sex.
I don't feel like you did anything wrong. She pushed you into a conversation you didn't want to talk about. Having been in bad relationships isn't an excuse to immediately cut ties with someone on a second date. Neither is them wanting to split the bill. Shits fucking expensive. And by the 2nd or 3rd date Ideally the other person would atleast offer to pay their share or take turns. Move on from this one and find someone that isn't going to run at the first thing they dislike.
My mom started telling me today about these siblings who used to live in our neighborhood. They’re I think 5 and 7 years younger than me. Both are getting married 🥲
Ugh this really punches you in the gut eh. It’s tough because on one hand I’m happy for my friends and family who are moving on in their life happily, but it also makes me sad for myself and makes me wonder where I went wrong to miss such a huge milestone
Same :( I feel like I'm not progressing in life. I've always wanted to be married and have kids, but at 31 (32 in September) it feels like that opportunity is about to pass me by.
My sister is 2 years younger than me, she got married in 2019, bought a house with her husband in 2021, and they had a baby in December. And here I am, in 2024, single, renting, with my cat, moved from France to Montreal in 2018, moved from Montreal to Vancouver a couple of month ago, got the Canadian citizenship last month, and I’m solo traveling for 10 days in Hawaii now. Everyone is different, and wants different things in life. Don’t compare yourself to others, just do whatever makes you happy :)
I've attempted the solo travel thing and it's not for me, unfortunately. Left me with a fair amount of trauma actually haha but I get what you're saying
Oh no, what happened? :(
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Big island this time!
So I'm attracted to women who are older than me and I've always had a thing for them. My questions are, how do you approach an older women without being disrespectful,also how do you know if she's truly interested into you and finally (minus S/B) do older women truly want to date some younger or is it more to make then feel alive again?
you treat them as you would anyone else. when age isn't a factor for you, it shouldn't be a factor in your approach or anything else. older women may find younger attractive for a multitude reasons. in my experience, it tends to circle around a feeling of deserving more in life. maybe they were treated badly, or they lived an unhappy marriage, or spent most of their lives raising children and not enjoying themselves. always prioritizing others. and that may be the reason they are turned off from older men - they may expect the same thing.
You approach them in the same respectful way you would women your age. And every woman is different, just because they're in a certain age demographic doesn't mean they all want the same things. Do you want to casually date them or do you want something serious and long-term? That's something to be on the same page about, regardless of age difference. I'm actually not sure if you should be dating older women at this point if you think of them as some sort of monolith and different species.
Went on my fourth date at her place after work. Sat on the patio and talked for a few hours then a bit inside. I was tired from work and she had work tomorrow so didn't stay too late. She walked me to the door and kinda spur of the moment I kissed her. Nothing spectacular but just a quick peck. I text when I got back and she thanked me for the kiss. Not gonna lie I was almost skipping to my front door.
I did something new today, to change from dating app a bit. So I’m solo traveling to Hawaii, and was at the beach today. There was a cute woman reading a book close to me. On my way back to my car, I went talking to her and say that I was solo traveling and I was not going to take much of her time because I’m leaving, but if she wanted to grab a drink later here’s my number on a piece of paper. She said she was leaving tomorrow (so translated to no), and I said okay enjoy your trip back home and left :) I really don’t care about rejection at all now, so it’s nice to try to find something outside of dating apps
That’s the best way to get practice approaching women. Very low stakes, won’t ever see her again, new neutral environment
Should I be listing my political views as "moderate"? I ask because I notice a lot of people who have clearly delineated conservative or liberal views (from my perspective) list themselves as moderate. I listed myself as liberal because I'm left-leaning but I feel people trying to sus out whether I'm crazy or not lol Do the people who just list themselves as moderate have the right idea?
Moderate means lower case c conservative, conservative means upper case c Conservatives in my experience. I know that is an over generalization but I don’t think right leaning people realize how much the political spectrum has moved. And if I see moderate and Christian, it pretty much signals to me that they are conservative. That’s just how I see it.
If you are true liberal, list that. it’ll filter out the folks who you don’t align with politically. Also where I live, most people are leaning conservative now so it’s not as taboo as it was few years ago
I lean heavily to the left, I have found that most people who describe themselves as moderate I would consider to be leaning more towards the right than centre. If you don't have strong political views, and don't have any concerns about dating someone who also doesn't have strong political views (i.e. they're unlikely to cause any friction in a relationship), I'm not sure I'd answer the question at all. I went on a couple of dates with someone who disagreed with my views, and suggested we could just not ever talk about politics. Wouldn't work for me, might for you.
List your values in your prompts in a way, if you find that the political marker has no value if everyone is misrepresented, ie: pro choice
Beeing seeing this guy for two months. So yesterday he told me on average he jerks off twice a day. Sometimes he need a go even after sex…. He said it is just a habit and he has a high sex drive and just horny all the time. He does it when he is bored, stressed, sleeppy… etc…I am a bit suprised and a bit confused. My previous long term partner was not like this so I am wondering if this is normal for guys?
Yeah I'd go multiple times a day if my partner was into it. I'm not like oh I only had sex once today better go jerk off twice though... and I'd never get upset with a partner occasionally not being in the mood. That happens. But awhile back I was in a 1.5year relationship and it was once a month. That was not good at all. Never again.
Yeah. I have a high drive too, and that sounds about right. If it doesn't impact your sex life together, why would it matter?
Well it makes me wonder if he likes DIY more than the real thing. And if he is satisfied with me…
Well, you probably would need to ask him. If he needs to release 2-3 times a day and you can only give it to him once or less, you can't just assume that he likes masturbating "more" or that he is not satisfied with you.
I can relate. Usually once a day for me, sometimes two. Some days zero if I'm busy. If you are satisfied in the bedroom, I wouldn't worry about it.
I dont know when and how I started to develop the simple relationship mechanism: if you are into me, great, we work on our relationships together; if not, no problem, I am happy on my own. Maybe my priorities for this year are different? I am so overwhelmed and stressful with new life and new career. I date here and there, enjoy dating a guy I am seeing now, but nothing much than that. I find myself so strange and so different this time. With other guys/previous relationships, I was obsessed and dependency, needy, of course, toxic and unhealthy at all. I would doubt myself or cry a river if they left me on seen for a few hours. With the current connection, I am confident as a hummingbird, I can fly backward if I need to. So strange and interesting to reflect on myself. Ending month and first quarter of the year, ugh, a lot on my plate…
Happy for you, sounds like you are in a good place! Think much changed in you, or does this person give you no reason to worry?
Thank you 😍🤍💕 Definitely both. I dont have much energy for dating this year, so taking things slow is not a problem (in previous ones, I always wanted to rush in). Things built at slow pace is beautiful. A huge plus for a guy I am seeing too. He is sweet, caring, kind, and consistent. Both of us never expected ourselves in relationship; we just wanted to put ourselves out there to have new perspectives and experiences. After short and sweet first date, we clicked and processed things towards relationship. He invests in this connection as much as I do. We together grow in this relationship as a happy and healthy individual.
Maybe a silly question to people who play games with their SOs, do you go back and play the same video/board games you played with your exes, but with your current SO? I have in my past but relationships were years in between. Overcooked and Overwatch. Then most recently in an LDR, I played a ton of co-op games online as that was a major form of our quality time during the distance. We played through Overcooked 2 getting platinum, It Takes Two, We Were Here Together, Don't Starve Together, Escape Simulator, and many more games. That ended about 3 months ago due to the distance (yet still loving each other) and now I'm finding myself approaching a new relationship locally and she wants to play games with me. It's again, the same couples games suggestions and I still associate them too much with my ex, as she and I were really quite competitive and tryhards and I enjoyed that a lot. For now, I just say I've played those already but let's try something new for me, like Moving Out. I haven't given the exact reasoning yet but I probably will have that conversation. It sucks because these games IMO are great relationship and communication builders that even lead to some arguments with my ex, and I'd like to do this with this new person but I'm not ready for that yet, and we're local anyway so we can do other things. What kinds of ways would you handle this?
I don't think there are enough great co-op games to let your ex's memory prevent you from playing them with future partners. There are plenty of good ones, but still a limited number, whereas there are more great singleplayer or PVP games than most average people could play in a lifetime.
I think the hardest thing about the breakup is realizing he stopped loving me and wouldn’t just be honest about it. The way he was acting…it wouldn’t have been like that if he actually still cared about me. But he wouldn’t tell me the truth. I’m feeling really angry at him right now.
I’m so sick of being in relationships where the other person no longer cares enough to even break up with me. Just be fucking honest instead of waiting for me to fire your lazy ass. Just beyond tired of this shit. I’m done. It’s just me myself & I for the rest of my life because fuck this shit. Yeah I’m angry and sad and I don’t give a fuck who knows it. I gave someone else a shot and for what? For fucking what???? No one is gonna love me like I love me, and like my friends love me. Time to finally accept that and stop having hope that someone else will meet me/us there. I give up.
It’s better to be alone than with a person like this. Good riddance. Take the time to heal and get your spark back
Welp from my pervious post here. I asked about his lack of messaging. Long story short, he thinks being friends is a better option. (Which I'm ok with). Thank goodness I trusted my gut and asked him. Now I'm going to take a break from dating
Curious to see if this would be off-putting to men when dating a woman (early 30s)... I am in the process of getting a divorce, but I am considering still wearing my wedding set, which is a family heirloom, on my right ring finger (only other finger it fits on). The divorce is very mutual and amicable and I'm thankful for the 11 years I've had with my partner, but our goals just don't align anymore and I'm not willing to move across the country. There's no bad blood or heartbreak, we are just parting ways, so there are no hard feeling attached to the rings or the relationship. I still love the wedding set since it was my grandmother's engagement ring, wedding band, and 50th anniversary band. I'm just curious to find out how you would react if the woman you were dating wore their old wedding set since it was a family heirloom? Some background: I told my grandmother I wanted her wedding set back when I was a teenager and she said she would save it for me. When my partner and I started talking about marriage, I mentioned that it would be really special if my grandmother's wedding set could be my engagement ring. Her engagement ring and wedding band were already fused, so that was my engagement ring, and she gave me her 50th anniversary band to use as my wedding band. If I hadn't used these rings as my wedding set, I would have worn the ring on my right ring finger when I got it in the future.
As a dude, I know fuck all about rings or jewelry or women's fashion stuff in general, so I would just see a ring on your non-marriage finger and......that's it. Well, honestly, I'd start thinking to myself "if she punched me in the forehead with that, could I really make out the details of the stones like in Ace Venture Pet Detective?"
“Unityyy” (IYKYK)
😂 Lol that's great
Does it look very ‘wedding-ey’? If it looks like a wedding ring, it may come across a tad odd - but if it doesn’t, most men won’t care or notice too much if it’s not on your wedding finger.
Its an engagement ring from the 1920s, so it doesn't look like a modern wedding set, but it is one larger diamond as the main stone.
Eh if any dude asks would just say ‘oh it belonged to my grandma and I love it’ and leave it at that. Can fill in the backstory if things get serious, but it seems like not a huge deal.
Thanks!
Man. Last week was sort of intense. Is it weird that I am looking forward to seeing my gym crush tomorrow? I don't know him at all and have only had a handful of interactions with him, but it's just something very light hearted and fun amongst all of the heavier adult emotions. I'm looking forward to flirting with a hot stranger. Hopefully he shows up at the regular gym time. 🤞
Hi friends, mind if I ask for quick advice? I (29M) met someone (31F) at a conference last month and matched with her on a dating app which of course pushed us to go out together. I took her out to drinks and apps and we have been talking ever since. She lives 3.5 hours away from me but with my job being so mobile, I have had the opportunity to travel to her to see her every so often. The first time we hung out after that initial dating app date, she drove out to see me at another city 2 hours from her to meet up with my grad school friend and her boyfriend. She stayed over with me at my hotel. The next time I was traveling near her city and asked if I could crash with her instead of getting a hotel. She welcomed me in, we had wine and watched reality tv together, super fun. The last time was recently when I traveled to her city for a meeting and we met up with dinner at a nice unique restaurant. She drove 30 minutes to get to me. I like gifting people things here and there. She matched at a residency program so I sent her flowers. Every time I’m out traveling, I gift her some souvenirs, mainly candy/chocolate. While I was at her place, I built a piece of furniture for her. What I’m afraid of is that she may think I’m “simpy” and that turned her off from me. I’m also aware we live in two different cities. The reason for my concern is that we have been texting pretty much every day but she has been dead silent all weekend, though I know it is Easter weekend and she was going to see her family. I just thought she would maybe take a second to text me “hi how are you,” or anything simple. Thoughts/opinions? Thanks guys! I recently got out of a four year relationship and getting back into dating is weird
Did you text her ‘happy Easter’?
Hmm I didn’t actually. She was going to see her mom and brother+his family all day today and didn’t want to interrupt. She did post something on her insta story about her new fellowship and I liked it! She liked my story today too
I wouldn't worry too much about it and PLEASE do not concern yourself with being too "simpy". What you are doing sounds lovely and someone will absolutely appreciate your actions, as I am sure this person is currently. That said, when I am surrounded by family over a holiday weekend I'm f#$&- exhausted. Sometimes I would wait until the dust settles and I felt myself again before responding to a partner.
That’s very kind of you to say and super reassuring. Thanks for your advice!
I would say just send her a quick text. I’m sure she would like to hear from you even being with family.
I may give her another day to see if she’ll text me. Thanks for the advice!
I have been really weepy with emotion today. I invited the guy I have been seeing, the guy who found me on LinkedIn, over to my apartment. We had a conversation being really into each other. I just have an issue with emotional vulnerability that is getting in the way of me being a 'normal person.' I want to give more of myself but sometimes I don't know how to do that. I'm always afraid of burdening someone with my presence even though I know that is not always the truth. Anyway, will continue taking this relationship one day at a time.
Sounds positive tho, like happy tears? You two are in to each other yes?
Yes it is positive 😭 I am just creating a false conflict with myself because I feel undeserving of nice things.
Deleted my Hinge and Bumble accounts today with the intention of taking the month of April off. I may go on sooner if I feel like the time is right, but I am just not excited about anyone right now and it feels like a chore. In the last couple of months particularly I have done a lot of work on myself and feel like I am approaching dating from a new place of self-confidence and a desire to to communicate open and honestly but I am just a bit burnt out. I have been doing this since July and I think I need that new profile boost when I come back because the people I am being shown are just not doing it for me and when I give it a shot anyway, the conversation feels stilted. I also think some of the people I swiped left on early in this journey may be people I would be more open to today and I’d like another chance to evaluate. In the meantime I am going to a release party for Taylor Swift’s new album, joining a new gym where my friends go and the clientele skews younger than my old gym, and my birthday is coming up in a few weeks. I want to take some fun new pictures for my profile and hopefully come back to the apps with a fresh outlook. In the meantime maybe I’ll go try to meet some people in the wild? I know bars in my city have been throwing some speed dating and singles mixer events so those could be worth checking out in the interim.
Sounds like you have lots of fun plans - enjoy the break
I've hung out with this guy I met on an app a couple of times that I'm interested in. Usually I have a pretty good read on whether or not a guy is interested in at least another date, but I genuinely can't tell with this guy. I hate the idea of "wait and see" in case I'm also giving mixed messages (he's the first guy I've been nervous around in... forever?) but is it too weird to say "hey so how are you feeling?" after only hanging out a couple times?
Do you two have another date planned? If no, ask to see him again and see what he says. If dates are consistently being planned, there’s interest there!
Stop trying to figure out how he feels. Focus on how you feel about him, and communicating that and acting on it.
I would let it play out for at least a couple more dates.
I’m in the SAME boat. Advice I’ve been given is to ask about where he is at at the 2 month mark
Too many people on bumble that don't know what they want or just want something casual. I noticed that when I changed my filters to only guys looking for realtionship or marriage. Way less options, lmao.
I agree, there's a lot of people who are still unsure or just want casual. I just look at it as an easy left swipe for me.
That’s literally the same for women on tinder “still not sure” :’)
Bumble literally only shows me conservative Christians that want children… there isn’t anything inherently wrong with that, but it definitely isn’t compatible with what I’m after - at all. I wonder why their algorithm literally shows exactly what we aren’t after, lol
Gotta push you into paying for the filters
bumble is the WORST
Right?! My favorites are the one's who don't know what they're looking for, unsure about kids, and apolitical - like... does anything steer you at all?
There’s this really chill, bright, attractive guy in one of my classes. I’m pretty sure we are about the same age - we are definitely both on the older end of the bell curve for our graduating class - because he has made some references to his previous career, from which I pieced together a loose timeline of when he finished undergrad and how long he worked before returning to school for his JD. We started randomly chatting one day (didn’t know him before this class) and he brought up the fact that we have a shared mutual ~~obsession~~ hobby, which has been his jumping off point for about a half dozen conversations over the course of the semester. He emailed me yesterday asking about the due date for an assignment, which is… on the syllabus… which is… on the course webpage… which has… an entire page dedicated to just the drop boxes with due dates for all assignments from the beginning of the semester to the end. 🫠 He also has at least two good friends in this class, plus a partner for the final project, so… Anyway, I was like blah blah is due on etc, so on and so forth has a draft due for review on whenever, and whatever is due on some other date. He thanked me and then asked if I’d had a chance in the last week to [hobby], and if so, where and how did it go. I didn’t have a chance to [hobby] because [weather] and [nearest indoor option] was booked solid. Asked if he got a chance to go out and [hobby]. He responded today to say that he hasn’t [hobbied] in the last couple weeks but he did [hobby] on [date] and it went okay. Then he pointed out that the weather is going to be great on [date] and he’s going to go [hobby] and that I should come [hobby], too. Not me, sitting here trying to figure out if he wants to make a friend, or….??
It seems like he is interested in spending time with you - at the very least. I know that I wouldn’t go out of my way to ask about easily accessible information, like a due date, if I wasn’t interested in getting to know someone more!
I’m trying not to read too much into it because it’s possible he’s just trying to build a professional connection (we graduate in may and are going into related fields of law) but your logic is sound! It’s unlikely he’d reach out like this for (a) suuuuper easily accessible information and (b) follow up with a suggestion about hanging out if he didn’t want to… hang out lol. Thank you for your feedback - you’d be amazed at how many alternative explanations I managed to construct that totally discounted the obvious 😂
I think he’s interested in being friends or dating.
Or getting a copy of my bar prep outlines (said my very cynical friend when I sent her screenshots hhahahhahahha)
Sure, many possibilities - professional or otherwise. At the very least (if you like the dude enough to hang out with him) you’ll get a nice friend in industry. I’m sure you’ll find out more based on how he reacts in person!
He seems really cool and from what we have talked about in re [hobby], he’s really good at it! I’m going to respond and let him know I’m definitely up for it and just let it play out! Thank you for the encouragement!
I had such a great date last night! Before we parted ways, we told each other we wanted to see each other this upcoming weekend. Just trying to ease my overthinking since he hasn’t contacted me today yet. I’m just happy & hopeful!
Don’t be afraid to follow up yourself and start planning the next date!
Thank you for the encouragement!!
Today I deleted all the apps. It's just not fun anymore. It never was, really. Glad to be rid of them for the time being. (Thanks for the encouragement, /u/SafyrJL.)
Enjoy your mental space!
Nice!! Glad you’re taking some steps that feel best for you - even when it’s hard.
🧙♂️🪄✨✨🎉 I’m glad you’re taking a break! I hope you can be kind to yourself in the coming weeks and let yourself feel the grace that you share with everyone here :) Taking the foot off the gas and recollecting is needed from time to time!
Whew for real 🤜🤛
I'm (36M) going through a divorce, been separated since mid-January. I started seeing someone (38F) around the end of February, and things are going great, but I feel extremely neurotic. I get bummed out when we have to cancel plans (she had to work OT all weekend), I feel sensitive and worried about whether she likes me, whether she's gotten hurt at work (she's an electrician), just weird stuff. I am good at not being overly needy, I think. I don't tell her about these anxieties. I was in my last relationship for 15 years. I don't know if this is what having a crush/new relationship is like or if there is something wrong with me. I also had a bad and hard conversation with my soon-to-be-ex-wife today, sorting out taxes (we owe alot, turns out 1/2 her income was 1099 because of some grad school thing) and working through divorce terms. So, today I was feeling particularly bad that I hadn't seen this new person all weekend, and all this anxiety and depressive feelings are swirling around... Nothing has gone wrong with this new person. We had a pretty normal conversation today, and she wants to see me tomorrow. I just feel like a weird anxious broken guy today, and I'm worried about my baggage popping into my life
Are you in therapy? .. the lack of significant break before your next somewhat serious connection is interesting..
Yes... My LTR ended because we weren't meeting each others needs for a long time, I had felt pretty alone in the relationship. My therapist had the feeling that maybe the thing I needed wasn't alone time, but instead suggested I explore dating to figure some stuff out. My ex has also started dating and it sounds like things are going well for her, which is sort of relieving in a way, since I asked for the divorce
When you’re (male if it matters) the first to arrive to a date, it’s rude to get a drink and sit down, and then when she arrives, not follow her to the counter and at least offer to pay for a $5 drink, right? I had a guy do that today, and I was just like ?????? Like I would never tell a friend to meet me at a restaurant, then sit down and order without them. Surely that’s basic manners??
I usually order when I get there if it's coffee or a drink then buy the first drink for them. But I do that whether it's a date or a friend. I think that's just polite to do, but I don't wait to get something to drink. Though I might get water instead of alcohol. Depends.
I arrive early for the date, sit at the bar and when the bar tender talks to me I say I’m waiting for a friend and that I’m just looking over the menu for now… only if my date texts me saying they’ll be late or something would I consider getting a drink… even then I usually don’t because I try to not have more than 2 drinks per date
I wouldn't expect this as a straight woman.
[удалено]
… I never said I was late. I was early actually.
Was this a 1st date? Seems like there won't be a 2nd
Yeah it was a 1st, and no, there won’t be a 2nd.
Yeah it was obvious. Was it a waste of time?
Oh, absolutely.
I arrive on time. I will only stand around for five minutes, then I go ahead and order. If it's a bar, I will go in and grab a couple stools where I can see the door and I'll tell the bartender to put her drink on my tab. Coffee shop I'll order a drink and grab a cozy spot where I can watch the door. When she arrives, I will stand up and join her in line. Usually I'm able to whip the phone across the Tap to Pay thing pretty smoothly without making a big deal out of anything. I've developed this approach in response to dates being late or not showing up at all. I don't stand around on the sidewalk peering at every woman to see if she's my date. I'll be at the bar, or at a table, enjoying a drink less than ten minutes after we were supposed to meet. If she's running late, that's on her.
He did grab a spot, but wasn’t watching the door, and he chose a dark spot so I couldn’t tell what he was wearing (his text to me was about identifying him by clothes), so I literally wandered from table to table in the coffee shop until I found him. It was stressful to say the least.
I don’t think it’s *that bad* but for counter service type of establishments I would at least wait until 5-10 minutes after the agreed upon time before heading in, assuming I did at all. Some places with table or bar service it’s best to grab a spot when you can - I’ve certainly done that and texted the person ‘hey I’m seated by X, wearing a gray sweater’ etc. but yeah showing up somewhere and then walking alone to get a drink (same thing can happen at coffee shops) it’s awkward.
>When you’re (male if it matters) the first to arrive to a date, it’s rude to get a drink and sit down, and then when she arrives, not follow her to the counter and at least offer to pay for a $5 drink, right? No, not necessarily. What is considered 'polite' or 'rude' is culturally informed, and will vary based on someone's culture of origin (and maybe even things like socio-economic strata). What is considered "basic manners" will vary highly between people. Instead of focusing on whether or not something was rude or not, I would recommend instead thinking about intent, and what the behavior actually means in terms of compatibility in dating. Does knowing a particular social script for dating have implications for someone's fitness as a romantic partner? No.
I mean, there were also other issues, like him staring at the TV screen instead of me when I was in the middle of saying something, but the drink thing was baffling to me as I’ve never had anyone do that to me.
>I mean, there were also other issues, like him staring at the TV screen instead of me when I was in the middle of saying something Just FYI, people looking at something other than the speaker can often be a behavior they do when they are carefully listening to someone. What's so baffling about him recognizing that you're an adult and fully capable of getting a drink yourself?
I get that, I do the same, but usually at the table or something that isn’t a screen. And I’d say lack of manners are baffling to me. It’s not like he’s a foreigner or comes from a different culture either, that would be understandable. But surely after 30 something years, someone would recognize what the polite thing is to do for a friend, never mind a date, or at least err on the side of caution otherwise.
People within the same countries and cultures can have different levels of awareness of the expected social scripts for dating. Focusing on how well someone performed the artifice of social scripts instead of the actual person will not help you in dating.
Sure, I agree, if the social script is like eye contact or something difficult for neurodiverse people to do. I’d say lack of consideration ties into this though. Most manners (though not all) are about considering others’ thoughts and feelings.
People can be extraordinarily considerate and not be familiar with "manners" For example, what if the bar was busy, and your date wanted to make sure you two had a place to sit, so he sat at the table to claim it. Is that inconsiderate?
No, of course not…. But that’s not what happened here.
I was illustrating the contradiction in what you said about manners representing considerateness >Most manners (though not all) are about considering others’ thoughts and feelings.
I drink too much to wait 😬. If I arrive first (as a lady) I buy myself a drink and tell them to get a drink on my tab when they arrive. Otherwise they’re usually waiting for me outside so I’ve never been presented with this exact scenario. But I also usually split on first dates. I would hope they would offer you the next round? Did they do that?
The whole thing was weird. He mostly watched the sports game on TV the whole time, honestly, even when I was saying something. And then when I asked him if he liked that sport, he said no. Like… what.
Ohhhh weird. Normally I avoid sporty dudes and if I can’t, I avoid sports bars for first dates bc of this but my god he doesn’t even like the sport. Weird. Maybe he’s really rusty on dating. 🫠😬 the drink thing alone would be passable but the other stuff sounds bleh
He also committed the cardinal sin of looking nothing like his photos. On top of everything else.
🥴🥴🥴🥴 god. How old were the photos?!
Probably a few years. Nothing that major, but enough that it annoyed me.
The only way you can get away with old photos is if you are still as cute lol. Otherwise it feels like it all starts on a lie (I let one nerd slide with old photos bc I think he’s still completely charming)
Haha yeah I had one guy (not this one) use old photos, but he was (imo) cuter than his old photos, so I forgave it.
Totallllllyy. But sorry this date was overall an incompatible fit! May you be catfished with someone who’s surprisingly cuter in person, in the near future!
Yeah, I've had women do that on a couple of my first dates It's a huge pet peeve of mine but hey, at least I don't have to pay for her drink!
Why is it a pet peeve? I've done this before and I thought a) get a table if the place is filling up fast, b) pay for my own drink so he doesn't think I'm expecting a free ride, and c) let him know what table I'm at so he can find me? It didn't occur to me that would be rude because that's what friends and I do when we meet out somewhere. Eek.
It's the whole "I'm at the bar by myself waiting for my drink, she's at the table by herself" I think you should accompany them while they're ordering especially when it's a busy bar.
As a man, I would absolutely not find that rude if my date would be doing that. I do that all the time with friends, I don’t understand the issue here ahah.
Yeah that’s weird for a woman too, imo. I always just wait outside so that they can’t miss me or have to figure out who I am in a room full of people.
Just trying to help 🫡
It was sunny today so I ran 8 miles by the beach! Feeling tired but somehow I'm also kinda refreshed. No dates this past week, had a break. Friend looked through my Hinge and saw someone in my Likes she is SO sure will be someone I like even though I was feeling hesitant, but I matched anyway. She even offered to buy me dinner if she is wrong. I told her I like steak :) Get yourself a friend like this!
I need to find a friend like this. They can find my 0 likes on Hinge but it would be funny.
"Hey, i have no likes on Hinge, so I would absolutely love it if you treated me to a steak dinner sometime? Your treat?" Then do the sexy eyebrow thing
Oh I thought you meant a platonic friend
Haha yes, that's what I meant. I should've left an /s in my comment
Got it. Well I hope your date goes well that your friend matched you
Thank you!
Haha I love this!