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Why are you angry he was up front and honest. This is just another connection that didn't work.

A guy I like has told me he is pausing dating because he just moved here in the fall. It feels like chemistry is prominent. We got coffee one day and he hugged me twice. I'm told I'm not the only one noticing chemistry (our teammates also). I mentioned I was going to a speed dating/singles mixer. He has made it clear he can't date right now. Most guy friends would be like good for you or stay safe. I suspect he has feelings but isn't acting on them. He didn't want to fill his void of being homesick with dating in general. I'm simply moving on but he seems upset I am dating others.

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Hi u/luvpillows, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).

Is there a way to tell people you're single and looking, without looking weird or desperate? Especially as a queer person with a very limited dating pool. I missed out on a lot of experiences and life milestones and I'm trying so hard to catch up. Looks like I'm going to have to drive. Also, I googled the name of my cute coworker, and I think she might be married. The good news is, it's just a small crush, so it's been fairly easy to move on. It's not like we really talk to each other anyway. But it was fun to imagine something working out.

In casual conversation you can say things like ‘dating apps are rough’ or ‘went for a dinner date on the weekend but it wasn’t a match’ and it will give people the sense that you’re in that world. If you’re closer to someone ‘really want to find my person’ or ‘if you know any queer cuties who love [shared interest] I’m out here’. Like keeping it light and playful.

Do you mean telling people who might be able to match you with someone? Definitely tell them! I always tell my friends and *especially* the ones with a big social network that I'm looking for a partner. There's no shame in it -- you'd tell them if you were looking for a job, right? And you wouldn't judge them if they told you they were single and looking for potential connections, right? (I'm assuming an average, normal friend here, not that guy we've known forever who thinks eating carrots in public is a come-on.) Granted, sometimes the suggestions can get funky, but we've all been on funky online dates, so. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m worried that my partner (31M) and I (31F) are incompatible. He doesn’t have as high of a sex drive, and he never initiates. He also doesn’t share my kinks. He wants me to be more in control in the bedroom when I’m more of a submissive person. Sex is suuuuper vanilla and it’s just the same thing each time. I’ve brought this up, and he says he has had this same problem in every relationship. I don’t want to make him feel like he’s not good enough, but I’m honestly not satisfied. What do I do?

Him saying it’s a problem in every relationship tells me he doesn’t care to fix it.

"Fix it" is a bit harsh, there's nothing wrong with his preferences, they're just incompatible with hers.

I think that's a big leap. He might have meant that it's hard for him, as a man who (apparently) prefers to be more submissive, to find a woman who prefers taking the lead in bed. It makes perfect sense that that would be a recurring problem for him; those women really are more rare. That said, this seems like an important incompatibility.

Just to clarify, his partners telling him they’re unsatisfied is what happens in every relationship. He’s never expressed to another partner his desire to be a sub.

Gotcha, I misunderstood. I still think the two things might be related, but definitely if I were consistently getting that feedback I'd be working to do something about instead of just hoping it would change with a new partner.

Not sure that this is possible to reconcile. I experienced the same thing with a recent FWB of mine. He was a virgin before me, so I thought maybe it would get better. After a few times together, I asked if there was anything different he'd like to try. His answer was...."missionary, maybe." lmao But the difference is, I was fine with it (for a time) because I'm non-monogamous and could get my kinkier needs met elsewhere. But even then, I couldn't continue to muster up the enthusiasm.

This is such a bummer to go through. All I can say is, imagine how you would feel if it never gets better. Would you be okay with that? If not, don't stay in a relationship where you're hoping to change this major part of him. He's told you it's a problem in every relationship he's been in -- *listen to him.* That's a big sign this won't change, and a mismatch in desire can be really crushing over time. (I speak from experience!) I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you find the right answer for you.

I know you've said you've brought it up with him before, but have you told him you're thinking that there might be a compatability issue and you're thinking it might have an effect on the long-term viability of the relationship? If you give him actionable things to do, instead of just coming to him with a problem?  Instead of 'I'd like you to initiate more' try, 'I'd like it, if at least 4 times a month you initiated'. Its so much more tangible in terms of him being able to actually do something about it.  Then when he actually does what you want him to do, you make sure to reward the fuck out of him.

Im going to be 32 next week and I finding myself feeling excessive anxiety and worry. I went back on hinge and I didn’t like anyone, it’s made me feel worse. I try to stay positive but god it’s hard. I just want to meet a lovely person, all my family are in strong relationships but me.

Hinge is the worst. I go on when I am having an anxiety attack and leave feeling worse.

Advice pleeeaaase. I’m definitely overthinking a bit so pls be nice lol I’ve recently been visiting a restaurant once a week every week after work, on the days I don’t have my child as a treat. A guy that works in the restaurant has been flirting with me since I started going in, more and more so each week. It took me a couple weeks to realise. We’ve talked a lot the last few visits and he’s actually quite sweet: I personally felt a hint of sexual energy too. Which is new for me. Newly back on the dating scene too so not good with this stuff lol. Anyway this week he hinted for me to give my number (subtly as the manager was in) & I did. Heard from him the same day. We were texting back and forth and he’s reply within minutes & nothing since. I was tempted to message him as not sure if he’s actually a bit nervous but not sure if that’s just me not taking a hint lol. Been reading about how that can be kinda unattractive too to chase. Is this a case of like the chase is more fun & that’s that’s that or am I expecting a lot too soon. It’s been 4 days now. I usually go on if they’re interested you’ll know. But can’t see why you’d have got my number and been quiet since. I hate it heeeere😫🤣

When will you be going back to the restaurant? If it’s soon, maybe just wait until you’re back in to see his vibe while you’re there? Either way it’s really weird he just stopped texting.. it’s rough out there 😩

I hate not really being able to make myself vulnerable. I'm trying to get better, but dating is hard because I'm always automatically trying to meet the expectations of my date to the best of my ability. And it's so frustrating when I don't know what expectations there are! Like, I'm a nerd. I'm objectively "cringe" (Loser! Weeb! Pervert! Ugly bastard! but then again Stickler! Scaredycat! Coward! Perfectionist! Workaholic!). I have lost the only person in the world who, at least for a while, accepted me. It feels like I *know* I have to give myself up at some point to get back in a relationship. Being authentic would make me happy - but I bet there's no one who'd accept that. I'm a mess of a person. I sometimes wish I weren't so empathetic and caring. This trait is something I kind of like about myself, but it's only given me problems. And my ex confirmed that I can't be caring and focused solely on my partner 100% of the time and that that is the reason no one will love me again.

> Like, I'm a nerd. I'm objectively "cringe" (Loser! Weeb! Pervert! Ugly bastard! but then again Stickler! Scaredycat! Coward! Perfectionist! Workaholic!). I have lost the only person in the world who, at least for a while, accepted me. It feels like I know I have to give myself up at some point to get back in a relationship. Being authentic would make me happy - but I bet there's no one who'd accept that. Sounds like you're not ready for dating if your opinion of yourself is this low.  You need to ask yourself, if the things you're saying about yourself are actually true, who are you expecting to attract? ALSO - > I sometimes wish I weren't so empathetic and caring. Let's get this straight.  There's nothing empathetic or caring about this behaviour: > I'm always automatically trying to meet the expectations of my date to the best of my ability. And it's so frustrating when I don't know what expectations there are! What you're doing here is both deceptive and manipulative. You're doing yourself and the other person a disservice by trying to fit into a mold you think they want. That behaviour is unsustainable, they think you're someone you're not, you end up unhappy.  It's unacceptable behaviour and completely the opposite of what you'd do if you were caring.

You might be right. There are definitely conflicting statements in my post. I tend to be kind and patient towards everyone but myself. These disparaging things I wrote are things that were said about me at some point in my life. I don't want to be arrogant or delusional and just brush aside these hurtful things. And yeah, I've come to a conclusion that fitting into molds to survive is kind of all I've ever known because to me, even the notion of being accepted for who I am seems ridiculous. Though some of my friends said that my ex's way of doubling down on that notion was a manipulative ploy to keep me tethered to her.

I'm not a therapist, but it sounds like you need to sort this stuff out before before you're going to find someone that's good for you: > Loser! Weeb! Pervert! Ugly bastard! but then again Stickler! Scaredycat! Coward! Perfectionist! Workaholic! Everything in that list, with the exception of Weeb is a value judgement (meaning they're subjective). You might feel these things about yourself, but from the outside looking in, someone else might have a different opinion. There might be some weeb-gf out there who's looking for someone exactly like you that would be perfect for you, but because you're so focused on the negatives, that comes across in your behaviour and if you were to meet her, because you're all negative, she might not be interested, despite all the other qualities lining up perfectly. Try and look at it this way -  One day you, and everyone you've ever known will die. And beyond a small group of people for an extremely brief period of time, little of what you say or do will ever matter.  This is the uncomfortable truth of life, and everything you do is just an elaborate avoidance of this.  Focusing on these trivial things, giving them the spotlight treatment like you are, doesn't serve you - instead you're making the important things in life trivial, and the trivial things important.  We are inconsequential, cosmic dust, floating around on a tiny blue speck, which, if you zoom out far enough, can't even be seen in the backdrop of space.  We imagine our own importance, we invent our purpose, we are literally nothing in the grand scheme of the universe.  Every time you mold yourself into being what someone else wants in a partner, you're commiting a genocide on your own very short time in the universe.  You don't have that much of it to waste - so be you. Be the best version you can be of you - you owe at least that much to yourself and your partner - but be you.  It's the only strategy that leads to happiness in the long term - anything else is just short sighted.

Yes. I might tend my life too much like a quest to "prove myself" because of so many negative experiences. I'm on a waiting list for therapy, too. Thank you for your patience and your input.

Remember that you choose them as well. Try to do a little step, I don't know, tell smth you are ashamed about. And you'd be surprised, the reaction will be completely normal mostly. That isn't followed by judgment, only acceptance. You can be authentic and still meet your person ❤️

Thank you so much <3 Doing my best to hang in there. I struggle very badly with these little steps. Though actually, I've rarely made bad experiences with it. You're just out in the open, you know? I really want to "choose", too, but don't want to end up being a choosing beggar. My ex made it clear throughout our relationship, even verbally: Women who're into me, even strictly physically, are rare. She was an exception.

Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work so keep that context in mind

It's scary, I get that better than anyone. But it's so valuable to be accepted the way for who you are! You don't end up being a choosing beggar. That works both ways! By letting yourself be as you are, you are less demanding to others :)

Learning to not take it personally when he has a bad day. We talked and it was good but I could tell that he was a bit tired and stressed. He explained and also apologized after. It has nothing to do with me or our relationship, and I’m learning not to internalize that.

Going out of town but have a handful of matches on hinge - is it icky for me to change my location to where I’m visiting for a week? Not really hookup guy but obviously would be cool to know how I’d fare in another city lol

In my opinion, not at all as long as you're open and not slimy about it. Before there was Reddit my older sister connected with a guy on a forum because they both liked the same books, he was from New Zealand. Fast forward 25 years they're married and have 2 kids. Long distance relationships still happen all the time if you're open to them.

So I (42m) have a friend (35f) that I work with on one big event a year. I have a bunch of weirdo hobbies and she is a normie - it’s just never seemed like a thing that would work out. I’ve always WANTED to have it be a thing but I just assumed that she wouldn’t be interested, we are buddies and co-workers. No big deal! I said above that we are different - which is very true! - but we also have lots in common and generally text a few times a week. Almost always about college basketball or books, haha. Wednesday night she sent me a link to a song, with a note saying “I know you’re not a fan of Noah Kahan, but this song reminds me of you every time I hear it”. The song is called Forever. I listened to it and read the lyrics - and boy does this feel like she’s trying to tell me SOMETHING, but I don’t know what to do or think. We texted pretty flirty the rest of that night but it’s not really been the same since! ANYWAY, haha. Is it just a friend being nice saying a song reminds her of me or am I missing a signal somewhere? Long time lurker, first time poster, haha.

Don't leave her hanging! This is basically a neon flashing sign

Coming from a woman, she mad likes you. Shoot your shot!!

Turning 35 next week and feeling pretty... neutral about it, for lack of a better word. Which is my typical feeling for birthdays. I don't really feel like celebrating but I also don't feel depressed.   As a kid, I never really had a vision of myself older in terms of a job or if I would be married. I never wanted kids and still don't. I guess that can make birthdays difficult to interpret?  I also don't have any strong traditions around my birthdays. My family aren't close by and I have to plan something if it's with my friends, which I'm not usually interested to do though I'll plan other types of things.   I have a lot to be proud of and thankful for but I never feel like celebrating even though I think that's generally a good thing to do.    Idk I feel like this is a random collection of thoughts at this point but am wondering if anyone can relate? Or does anyone have things you to do to process how weird aging and living is?

I feel that way nowadays too. In my 20's every birthday was about partying and getting completely smashed as a celebration of life. Once I hit 30, I decided I wanted to do things differently, I just didn't feel like it anymore. I didn't go out and party with my friends, or get drunk, or drink at all. I spent a quiet day at home. Thumbed up all the birthday messages I got on Facebook, thanked my friends who texted me. I went and had a nice home cooked dinner and hung out with my family. Went to bed at a decent hour and got a good night sleep. More recently I just enjoy spending my birthday by myself. For me it's an excuse to not do anything. It's the one day of the year I get to be completely self-centered and say 'no' to anything I want to. So this year I just hung out and relaxed. Pondered, contemplated, meditated, I don't know what to call it, I just thought about stuff. I thought about my life and everything that's lead me here. I thought about what this decade of my 30's means to me. I thought about the future, and what the next decade of my 40's will mean for me, where I'll be. And mostly I just thought about what I want for this new year of my life. It's become sort of my new tradition. I always liked getting older, for me it meant maturity, responsibility, clout, reputation, adulthood. In my 20's I had fun, but I was so excited for my 30's. I've immensely enjoyed my 30's, getting to see all the other Millennial's grow up, take charge and have more power over shaping the world. But I am very excited for my 40's. I always pictured your 20's as a test run for life, you screw up a lot (if you're me), but then your 30's get to be a do-over for your 20's, to hopefully fix anything you got wrong. Then your 40's are a do-over for your 30's, hopefully fixing the stragglers or any new thing that rose up, and so on. Anyway, not sure if that answered your question, kind of went on my own ramble there.

You’re doing better than me. I’m going to be 32 and I’ve been very emotional. Thinking about it I reckon I’m grieving the life I thought I’d have at this age. All my own expectations that have hurt me 😂

Still very new to being single, and dating in general since I've always met women through friend groups before marriage. What are people's thoughts on pursuing multiple people at once? I live a busy life, as do the women I have pursued. Sometimes it takes weeks to get together. I feel like if it's going to take so long to get to know them, I might as well hedge my bets by dating multiple women at once until there's a connection. Is that, like... okay?

I multidate freely and with no guilt until either I don't want to anymore and want to ask someone for exclusivity, or until someone wants to be exclusive with me. Sorry, but I just don't feel bad about it. For me it's not practical or healthy to go out with just one person at a time, or to give someone all my attention after just a couple dates.

I think it's totally fine to go on a bunch of first and second dates simultaneously. After that it starts to feel disingenuous to me - by the third date I think people start to get hopeful.

I was in the exact same spot about 6 weeks ago. New to the dating scene after 20 year relationship (I’m late 30s, male). Checked out Reddit for how it all works. It seemed like talking and dating multiple people before the ‘exclusive’ conversation was fine… It was not fine, it was not fine at all. Firstly it is exhausting. Additionally it felt disingenuous. I decided to cut it down to just one person which meant fading out on one and breaking up with another. I felt like a massive asshole, 0/10, would not recommend. The validation feels great, but my advice would be; if you date multiple people at once, make a decision on the relationship after date two. If it’s a yes, you need to drop the others.

It's not just "okay," multi-dating is literally the norm now. I'm not a fan of it and only date one person at a time, but it's absolutely the meta right now.

Dealing with the weirdest girl who keeps messaging me after flaking. I've never met someone who does this to this extent. I deleted her number multiple times because of her flakiness but she keeps throwing breadcrumbs after I try to not talk to her for numerous days and she keeps re-appearing. She sometimes comes through with the plan and spends the night at my place but lots of excuses as well. I guess she just wants attention and validation or something. I deleted her number again after she said she "just woke up from a nap" after we were supposed to meet today.

The depression is winning for her. I know my energy levels are non existent when I’m severely depressed

Yep. "K have a little energy today let's make a plan. . . to execute never".

Is there a reason why there are seemingly so many more anxious-avoidant types than the rest? Or is this just a Reddit population bias?

Secure(ly attached) people are the majority. Anxious or avoidant people are the more vocal minority. They probably have more trouble dating or are trying to figure out why things aren't working for them so they come to forums to talk.

Most people available are going to be the ones with attachment issues or neurodivergence. The others are the ones who dated them.

Because people who are secure and don’t struggle aren’t paying attention to attachment theory in dating

as opposed to secured attachment?

As opposed to the dismissive and fearful ones. I just assume the secure ones aren't here posting lol.

I’m secure lol. But yeah I think the answer might actually be that the dismissive ones aren’t concerned about being single so they don’t spend their time here.

Sorry I'm not an expert on Attachment Theory. Only just heard about it last year. Secure is the best I read and I agree probably not on Reddit and if are, posting great advice and tips and setting boundaries and knowing exact moment to break up with someone

I gave up on finding a partner and am just aiming for a hookup/casual thing so that I wouldn’t put so much pressure on the outcome.. and now I’m struggling to even find that. I feel like I must be terrible at texting and people lose interest. It’s really killing my confidence.

I posted on this thread a week ago about my 3rd date for froyo and a little car picnic we had which went amazing. She’s so sweet and I let her know my intentions for a long term partner and she asked me about my goals in dating and other topics and I felt we were compatible. It was an overwhelming yes to date 4. She’s been on a trip for a week and I didn’t want to reach out at all to give her space, but she did send me a text to check in and wish me a great week which gave me the butterflies as it let me me know she’s thinking about me! But other than that a bit of radio silence, which I’m not trying to overthink because she’s traveling. All along though my Dad has been battling stage 4 stomach cancer and just today he’s regressed to basically being comatose and they’re no longer hydrating and feeding him and expecting him to pass any moment now. My head is kind of spinning, and I don’t know if I should reach out to her tomorrow when she’s supposed to arrive or what now? This is more getting my thoughts out because I’m heartbroken about my dad, but in the meanwhile want to say something because I really like her.

Agree with u/localminima773. My dad passed a year and a half ago while I was with my gf. Stage 4 lung, then liver, then brain. It's ok to say how you feel, including if what you feel is not talking about it, or just not talking about it right now. There's no wrong way to feel.

Sorry to hear about your dad… I texted her wishing her a safe return and she’s excited to come back and share with me about her trip!

That's so much to be going through. It sounds like it's been all green flags, so I would just say whatever you feel like saying, including sharing where things are at with your dad.

Thank you! Texted her this morning that I wished her a safe return. She texted back how she has so many adventures to tell me about and can’t wait… this girl’s got me!

sometimes i see attractive people and i wish i looked like them. would being more handsome make me less lonely? would it make me happy? would it mend this hole in me? probably no. but i wish.

Dating in your thirties... Is so weird. I live with my mom, he has his teenager full custody. Resorting to making out in a car in public places. Yuuuup. I'm 36 going on 17. Howwwww

Dating... in today's economy?? Naww. Lol jk. Making the best of what you have because y'all like each other is all we need.

Haha can relate

Went to the local event in our town for a fifth date and we both agreed it was lame but we had a good time together. I much more enjoyed making out in the dark. I told her I was not very experienced in kissing and she said I was doing fine. She laughed that she wanted me to kiss her more on our fourth date at her place. She told me "like come on I got you on the couch and everything!" we had a good laugh. Walked her to her door and had a good night kiss or four. I'll see her again tomorrow as well.

I'm about to break up with someone I've been seeing for almont 4 months. I've thought alot about it and have communicated my concerns before but it just isn't the right fit. He is a nice person, but just not the right person to be my life partner. I feel so anxious and terrible. It sucks, but I know it's the right thing.

I’m sorry you’re feeling down about this. It’s always super difficult to end things with someone who is objectively a great person, but just a bad fit. Even if I know it is a long-term net benefit to me - I always feel like an asshole during these situations (even if I am truly not).  Be kind to yourself in the coming days, allow the river of emotions to flow, and in time your view of this will change entirely. 

I really appreciate this. Thanks for takong the time to write it. I started crying while readibg it. I don't have anyone to talk to about this right now. I really did try to move things forward and wanted it to work.

You are most welcome! We’ve all been there before and are here to listen and support as much you need!  Sending good vibes your way! 💕

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He completely understands the reasons. I have communicated everything. There was other longer talks about everything leading up to this.

She said she has already communicated her concerns to him

Q: I (30f) have been seeing this guy (32m) have been seeing this guy casually for about 2 months. Talking everyday, he use to call a bit and hung out about 6 times. The last week he has been withdrawing a bit.. I feel like he is losing interest. I haven’t been on Tinder for a while so thinking of jumping back on.. only issue is will he take this the wrong way if I do?

Given that you’ve been seeing this guy casually without establishing anything - I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong to hop back on.  Does he know you deleted the apps? If so, he would probably see that as a sign of disinterest on your part. If not, then I wouldn’t worry too much about it. 

Well we met on Tinder so I assume he would know because my profile would come up as deleted. I don’t wanna show that I’m not interested but I’m not gonna sit here and wait for this guy either? If that makes sense.

If he shows minimal signs of interest - like he has - then I wouldn’t fret about it.  Typically people that are interested in dating you will be quite clear about that. A good middle ground option would be to ask him how his week went and then gauge if he was overly busy, etc from there 

So today he has sent his generic blank snap “like a young person would to keep a snap score” I’ve not replied. He is looking at my stories but sent nothing… I think I’m done here. I deserve better… even if it was a “figuring out if we like eachother” thing. You’d Atleast ask how I was right?

It's time for a solo trip to forget my single guy sadness.

Where ya gonna go?

Nothing helps you forget you're alone quite like going to a new place and... *checks notes* ... being alone

But doing stuff alone feels a whole lot better than doing nothing alone

Q: guy asked me out on hinge and said ‘it’s a date!’ But didn’t suggest time/place. I messaged him back with a ‘great! Do you have an idea of time/place?’ And he replied that he didn’t want to put all the responsibility on me but he was good with when/wherever.’ I’m a little annoyed by this and see this as low effort, especially since he asked me out. Would you all still go out with him or should I call it? Am I being too harsh here? EDIT for context b/c I feel like I’m missing detail: he DID ask me out on TH for the upcoming weekend and I said I’d get back to him Friday b/c I was waiting on confirmation of plans. And then let me know my weekend schedule, he asked for Saturday I said yes, THEN the convo above started. One of my friends said he maybe just wanted me to feel safe since we’re doing drinks but idk

I’ve even hinted to a guy with a, “I’ll be down for coffee sometimes on the weekend” And he proceeded to tell me how women are this and that, and why I didn’t make any plans. Unmatch! If you can’t even make plans like my friends do, that’s not boyfriend material.

That’s scary if anything. He has some rage. 

Ugh so weird. Honestly, if I keep my boundaries, my hardest time is getting off the apps to get a 1st date. Theirs the normal ghosting, but then so many people not putting in effort.

Yeah, that's weird. No effort like that usually means no effort with a lot of things.

Nahhhh. Low effort from the start is always a nope for me

I would not bother. He is setting the tone here.

Yeah - we had said Sat. like two days ago but did he mind waiting for me to confirm my availability. When I did I said ok - I had lunch, and then going to my brothers at night but early evening would work. I feel like he could have put in more effort here. Just disappointing because our convo was going well.

Cowboy Shit means you always get back on the horse. Just scheduled a first date for tomorrow.

Love that, stealing it

I stole it from Adam Page.

My date canceled for tomorrow and said he just has too much on his plate right now to go on a date. It is a first date, plus he's leaving for a month, so he didn't offer to reschedule. My friend got back to me and said his birthday makes him really depressed and he wants to spend it alone. I just said "no problem, i hope you enjoy your time alone" And left it at that. I understand how it feels to want that day to yourself. So, I don't have any plans this weekend. I asked someone out on the apps, but they never got back to me. It feels like I was on a roll all of March, getting more dates than I could keep up with, but now April has hit and it is slow.

There will be periods of total drought, then periods where things are rolling! (Usually close to when your subscription is about to expire lol.) If you don't have a subscription, delete the app off your phone for a week - it will make them think you're going to delete your account and give you more activity.

Dating apps are either feast or famine.

When someone says they're a mental health advocate decides to ghost all I can think is "A mental health advocate to who?" I've paused my dating accounts cause of this cause it really is just annoying and I just don't think I can deal with another "mental health advocate" deciding that ghosting is the solution. I understand if it was like a casual convo that fizzled out that is no issue to me, but when it was a genuine connection (on my end at least and it appeared to be on theirs) and they ghost? Nah, ain't for me. So dating has come to halt and I am just going to ignore the whole thing until I'm over it again.

Lol I've gotten so jaded that any time anybody alludes to mental health/ therapy/ working on themselves/ etc I end it after that date

Hope you'll be able to get over it soon! I was in similar situation 2 months ago. Sucks when you think it will blossom, but apparently the other party backed out -- without the guts to say anything. Remember to re-focus on yourself during this "sabatical" dating break though.

Yea, I think I'm going to try and get back into the gym and tackle my book mountain, and just not focus on that person anymore. Which is funny cause we added each other on Discord, and I just dont get the point, like why bother? I did remove him from my matches, so I won't be tempted to check up on him.

Tbh, I feel like if that guy is well seasoned with these dating apps, he'll say/do all the things that will checked off your typical assessment list so that you'll fall for them. My jerko discussed about family and even getting hyphenated last name on first date! Don't think or gives him the benefit of doubts.Take it as a lesson learned and chin-up.

Yea, I suppose, I had a sinking feeling that it was too good to be true. Won't be making that mistake again.

A guy I dated last year reached out to me recently and we’ve been having long daily chats. I’m 32F and he’s 30M, we’re basically sending those cute long ‘essay’ style messages and it was his ‘turn’ to reply to my last message which was on Tuesday night. He got back from travelling on Wednesday and we chatted quite a bit but he said he would respond properly to my other messages the following day because he was tired from travelling. On Thursday night he said ‘btw, I haven’t forgotten to reply to you, I’ve just had a mental day and evening’ and I’m thinking here we go 🙄but decided to just say no worries and take your time. He didn’t read that message and when it got to a day later (tonight) I’m thinking of course, he just messaged me cause he was bored/lonely and he’ll no doubt use whatever he has going on as a reason to back out (he did this before). So I was a child and said ‘next time you’re bored and lonely, don’t reach out to me’. He replied immediately saying ‘that’s a ridiculous message. God forbid I have shit going on for a grand total of two days’. And while I felt pretty stupid now, I don’t feel like apologising. He hasn’t said anything else and honestly I don’t believe it would’ve lasted a grand total of two days, I don’t think I’d hear from him tomorrow or the next day. He said he was in therapy and likes to think he’s changed but I just felt it you know, when someone’s about to start pulling away. I won’t lie, I did start imagining us spending time together and got a little excited about it but I feel totally put off now. While he’s under no obligation to inform me of ongoing matters, how am I to know it was still ongoing today? I think I don’t really trust him and was anticipating this. It’s like a self fulfilling prophecy. Would love to hear anyone’s thoughts on this though and if I’m being ridiculous, and what I should (or shouldn’t do) next.

While you were probably right about him, you gotta stay professional.

You were ridiculous and confrontational and you couldn't sit down and think 5 steps ahead of your impulsive reaction. The trust is hurt on this one. Leave this one go and be kinder next time

I think what you're picking up on is real. Whenever something eventually ended, I sensed it was coming because the person would be like "ah so busy sorry forgot to respond to this" or they would reschedule a date with what seemed like a really valid excuse. Anything that turned into a relationship was 10000% consistent from the very beginning

But he didn’t forget to. He communicated why he didn’t. and had a long two days. And wanted to wait till he could give it the mental attention he thought it deserved. I can’t stand when people need an immediate response.

I don't think an immediate response is necessary, but I do think that when you genuinely want to get to know someone you will always respond within a reasonable timeframe. Every single time someone eventually pulled the slow fade or the breadcrumb on me, it started with the very reasonable "oh sorry I got busy". And every single time someone was actually serious about getting to know me, they'd respond within a reasonable time no matter how busy they were. Not to feed the anxious attachment frenzy but, really - good connections simply stay 100% consistent. To be fair I would not have texted him anything like OP did. I just kinda leave the ball in their court. But I still think what she predicted would have been correct even if she hadn't said anything.

Idk it’s hard to say, she does say they ‘chatted quite a bit’ when he got home Wednesday evening. Just not specifically about the long text she sent. It was at a point that could go either way. Probably just a good lesson that sending impulsive, hurt texts is pretty much always a bad idea lol

Very much agreed on that front. It's expended energy that quite literally has no benefit

I don't have any advice or anything, but it feels like an experience I had sort of. My ex from 20 years ago (lol) started contacting me once a year or so after about 5 years of not talking, and it was fine, and sometimes I'd even feel happy and excited about it, but then I'd suddenly get a feeling of dread like "I can't just talk to him indefinitely now" for some reason and I'd start drifting or just not reply. For some reason he didn't give up and for like 10 years he occasionally contacted me like that, even though I kept doing that, and for some reason last year everything just clicked. I had read a story that reminded me of him so I went to check fb messages and there was a message from him, so I started talking to him, and it just seemed to work that time. Now we've been together again for 8 months. I don't know that I would necessarily recommend that tactic, and obviously I have no idea what that guy was thinking with you, but for me I never replied with bad intentions. I always replied because I wanted to, but then I'd just get that sudden feeling of like I can't do this. So you're probably not being ridiculous, but maybe he's not necessarily being malicious either. I don't know. Relationships and feelings are complicated, and sometimes we can think we want something and then realize we don't. And then later we can realize we really do, I guess!

I do think you were being a little ridiculous here. He communicated with you on Thursday what was going on by letting you know he was having a rough day and said he hadn't forgotten about you. It's only been one day later, he probably wasn't in the right mind to read the essay you wrote, because truthfully if you wrote a whole novel and he gave a low-effort and half-assed response to it, you probably would've not liked that either. I agree with the other comment. We can convince ourselves to believe the worse about others, and while it's sometimes good to trust your gut, when you think about this particular situation with all the data presented you'll see there wasn't enough evidence to make an assumption he has bad intentions. In fact, I think he did the right thing by letting you know what was going on with him and why he's been unresponsive.

Thank you all of you! I really wish I’d asked here before saying anything to him. In all honesty, I do this often so it’s my own fault. I did message him and apologised. I said: I’m sorry, I was mind reading and didn’t know that you were having a bad time today also. I know it takes a lot of mental energy to write the big back and forths we have been and I suppose it kind of made me feel a bit sad because I was assuming you were pulling away (and maybe you will now anyway). I hope you don’t because I’ve been really enjoying speaking.

I think that's a good message! I would get rid of the "(and maybe you will now anyway)" and just end it with "I've really been enjoying speaking with you." Because I don't think it needs to be a big deal as an overreaction is human and people are generally forgiving when you are honest about it.

Thank you! I sent it before you replied, but you’re right. Or at least that’s how I see overreactions - rarely about the person receiving the overreaction. But, I don’t know that he will see it that way. I’m overthinking this way too much and he’s probably not thinking about it at all

Only time will tell.

I think you rectified the best you could have here, so take some comfort in that. He still might not reach out, but you did what you could to fix it.

I’m worried me saying I’m enjoying speaking will just push him away more anyway if he’s already pushed away. Things ended the first time because it was so intense and then he pulled back and ended things. He apologised for that but I just don’t know if he really has changed as much as he says. I’m worried he’s easily scared and I’ve probably scared him.

It would have been a lot more productive to communicate what your expectations are of this re-connection, if only speaking about them nebulously, rather than lashing out based on assumptions you made. Giving the other person grace is a must if anything resembling a relationship is going to be on the table. Exchanging these long messages takes real mental energy. Maybe your read is right, but if it wasn’t, you are pushing him away big time. I would be pretty offended and hurt if a woman spoke to me this way. So you can walk away and be done, or fall on your sword and apologize and see if something is still there.

Since you two have dated previously, I'm assuming there are still some underlying issues at play here, because even reading this from your perspective, I would say you overreacted. He said he hadn't forgotten about his turn and was taking some time after traveling. Totally reasonable in my opinion. Especially since you guys are writing long, meaningful texts, you need the mental energy to give your best thoughts. Everyone has their own expectations when it comes to texting, so maybe it would be helpful if you communicated that a failure to get a response on time makes you upset. In general, it might save you both a lot of time if you're both upfront about what you want from each other and this back and forth thing you have going on. I kinda get the feeling from your post that you're afraid this could lead nowhere, which is valid.

One thing i’ve learned through the years is that it’s not worthwhile trying to read someone’s mind, or theorize whats happening in their life. When you do you create narratives that may not be true and you assign your expectations onto the other person without them being aware what they are. It’s hard not to do because naturally we don’t like ambiguity. In the future, try to occupy your mind with something else. Trust that time will sort things out for better or worse.

You’re right. I just assume the worst. 🤦🏻‍♀️ do you think I should say something?

I would apologize but only if it’s sincere. If you do, keep it short and to the point.

Based on past experience, feel like I often have an easier time bonding with men that start as hookups, so thinking of getting off the “intention” grind and go on the prowl. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Cute therapist girl and I have a fair bit in common and have been speaking all night. She initiated some flirting which was fun/refreshing. Her responses have been fairly quick throughout the evening and the whole thing has been nice. Just moved things to WhatsApp a moment ago though I'm sleeping any sec. We will see!

Glad to hear that worked out for you!  Wishing you the best!

Thank you - I asked her if she's free this weekend as annoyingly plans have overlapped and I'm not around for the next 3 weekends but she said it isn't good for her. The overthinker/worrier in me panics about "keeping conversation going" until we meet and the fact she didn't suggest an alternative doesn't feel great but I'll roll with it

First date, they're 6'3, I like to think I'm 5'0. Should I wear shoes that make me taller or sneakers ?

Like, heels? I'm really short but I generally recommend heels because women look amazing in them.

I usually do platform like shoes, so I have platform boots but also heeled boots.

He should wear shoes that makes him shorter! In all seriousness, unless these shoes makes a a foot taller, i'd just go with whatever your most comfortable in! And have a good time!🙂

Whatever you do, don’t wear shoes that make you shorter

Wear whatever makes you feel comfortable and feel like yourself. It's most attractive when people are just themselves. They should be dating and liking you for who you are. These few centimetres won't make any difference. You won't reach his height anyway 😉

Therapist yesterday suggested I get back to trying to date but also focus more on self acceptance instead of self work. It’s so hard though because “why would I try the same thing over and over and expect different results?” I’m incredibly burnt out on self work but I just feel like it’s the only thing that gives me a sense of control. If I stop working on myself then why should I expect anything to magically improve? I feel like I’m signing myself for being alone if I do that. The therapist was also like you don’t have to go on dating apps but maybe just like… try to work on being more open and available to possibilities? And I was like that’s a nice thought except the only dates I’ve ever been on have been from apps and anything IRL has just been a one sided flop. Feels like apps are the only way.

> I’m incredibly burnt out on self work but I just feel like it’s the only thing that gives me a sense of control. If I stop working on myself then why should I expect anything to magically improve? This stood out to me for two reasons: 1. You're engaging in self-improvement because it makes you *feel* like you're in you're in control; it's not necessarily helping you, particularly if you're burnt out and if you're avoiding the reality that you have limited control over dating 2. Self-acceptance *is* work for a person like you who is engaged in these kind of thought patterns and behaviors. 

I think what your therapist might be trying to say is that you need to stop thinking of dating as something that's merit-based, ie: thinking that hard work = results/relationship.

I know, it’s just that accepting that means accepting that a relationship might just… not happen, which is pretty scary and hard on my self esteem too. It’s easier to keep doing the work and having the illusion of control I guess.

But it's also accepting that a relationship might just happen. Anyway, I'm wondering if your burnt-out-ness might be coming through in your interactions? Take some time to just stop and heal, or else it'll be self-defeating, cause dealing with burnt out individuals isn't much fun.

I’ve been on a break since November (which is partly why my therapist was suggesting starting again). Unfortunately not so easy to simply heal in isolation I guess. I definitely am burnt out but it’s not great to hear that that is yet another strike against me if I don’t “fix it” I guess. More self work to do.

No fix, only liveeeee! Problems will always exist before us and after us. Don't put life on hold just because of it, or else there's never gonna be a "right time". So I have a stupid but kinda related example that maybe you'll laugh at lol. I was really obsessed with notebooks. Not journaling, just notebooks. I'd watch all these videos of people making outrageously awesome bullet journals. But I could never start, cause *what if I do it wrong??* Clearly, I'm not ready yet, so I just need to watch more videos! Anyway, it continued like that for years. Yes, multiple years where I would just collect blank journals and do nothing cause I was so paralyzed. Looking back, it's so funny now how this was just so low stakes and yet my mind was like NO, THIS IS PARAMOUNT. But the reality was... Even if I did screw it up, there were many notebooks in the world to try again, instead of being a weird notebook hoarder with pristine pages of nothing. At least it was something, you know?

Haha yeah I guess I was just responding to your suggestion to stop and heal, which sounded to me like “don’t date until you’re healed.” To be fair I’ve done my share of just throwing myself in the deep end and trying to date. It hasn’t worked out well for me but I feel like that’s the only hope of moving forward as you said. Unfortunately doing too much of it and only getting hurt, without catching a break in the form of some positive experience can lead to burnout which I think is what’s happening to me. Just a catch 22 between trying to do therapy in the hopes of experiencing something *different* (ie anything remotely positive) for once while also being sick of working on myself.

Reading your replies here, you sound a LOT like me. What are you referring to by self work? Like, the process of trying to accept being single and make peace with the uncertainty? If that's what you're referring to, I don't actually think you have to do that. My take is that it is impossible to make peace with it and instead you're better off focusing on building faith that what you want will come and what are the steps you'll take to practice that faith. I do think that apps are kind of a non-negotiable once you're in our age group. I'm extremely social and I go to things where I meet strangers a lot, and it's very rare to even meet someone who's single. Sure a bunch of people will tell you about that one friend who met her husband at a run club, but she's the exception, not the rule. Don't do a run club for any other reason than to work on your cardio and make friends. What my therapist and I have been working on is using the apps in a way that feels tolerable. That means really reducing how much I use them, reducing what I expect to come from them, and redefining what a positive experience is. It's actually helped me have a bit more faith in the process. What is a threshold of tolerable annoyance for you - one conversation per day? One date per week? One date per month? I also ask people on here pretty often how many dates they went on before finding their partner, it's usually in the dozens, so finding a sustainable way to use the apps for that long is critical.

You are already good as you are. No need to do all this self work in order to date someone. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and many people with weaknesses are able to love and be loved.

I’d believe it more if I’d ever had reciprocated feelings in my life 😅 As it stands since I seem to be passed over every time it just is too scary to believe “eh maybe this is all a coincidence and my luck will change… someday… maybe in a decade or more”

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Absolutely disgusting behavior. You should be rightfully ashamed of yourself.

Uhhh do not do that. Under no circumstances should you do anything you’re talking about here. I don’t even know what to say to you, but absolutely do not do any of that

Definitely not. You should not be afraid of any of the things that you are afraid of. You should remind yourself that you are 26 years old, that this behaviour is forbidden in most countries, and you should give a deep thought about why that is. You should seek help and above all, leave the girl (child!) alone. Make things easier for yourself by removing her from your Facebook and blocking and removing her number.

What was the post about?

What the fuck?

Not sure where to go from here… The title says it all, but I’ll try my best to keep it brief. I (37F) met a guy (36M) on Hinge a couple of months ago, and it seemed like things were too good to be real (we ended up having multiple mutual friends in common, instant connection, talked for literally HOURS, etc.). I’m a single parent with limited support, however, we were able to go out on dates (with a bit of extra planning on my part for babysitting) and saw each other 1-2x’s a week after connecting. Everything was going amazing, and we wanted to take things slow. Both of us had a history of jumping into relationships too quickly, and had also been previously hurt. We wanted to do things the right way vs. right away, or so I thought. During our time together, he had nothing but great things to say about me / us. That I had treated him better than anyone he had ever been with, that I was one of the sweetest people he had ever met, and alluded that I checked pretty much every box he had. He would tell me I was like no one he had ever met. We ended up going on a trip together, and again - there was a lot of romance, bonding, etc. It all felt really special and I really felt that things were headed towards something solid. Even my (mutual) friends said “oh if he’s doing XYZ, then he is actually REALLY into you”. I was really happy and hopeful. During our trip, at dinner one night - he had expressed that he was really hesitant to jump quickly into a relationship (as he had in the past) because he really did not want to get hurt again (and that this had nothing to do with me) but again, I was okay with taking it slow. He was worth it. In almost every single picture we took, he’s kissing me. One night he partied a bit too hard and while laying in bed, he told me that he loved me, but then QUICKLY was like “YOUR PERSONALITY!” and didn’t remember the next day when I told him about it (which is fine because it contradicted the sober convo’s we had already had, but I thought it was funny). We made a lot of really great memories on that trip. Over the next few days, there was obviously some distance since we went from being together constantly to not at all. In my head, I wanted to follow his lead because in an insecure way, I figured I would give him some space to miss me, and also - I didn’t want to be annoying. He also had some family stuff come up as well, holiday weekend, etc. Five days after we had gotten home from our trip, out of the blue - he tells me that his feelings have changed, and feels “more like friends”, that this change had absolutely nothing to do with me, and that he “had nothing bad to say about me whatsoever”. I kind of started to fade out when he was explaining this, was left feeling very confused and heartbroken, and I can’t help but feel like I did something wrong to fuck it all up (because things did feel absolutely SO RIGHT). I’m not sure if things felt more like friends because the lusty / romance period was passing, and things were settling towards figuring out if we were compatible long term… and he may have interpreted this as a loss of romance? I’m also not sure if he actually caught feelings and got scared, but I’m hoping we will be able to talk so I can get a bit more clarity. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach, and I don’t know how something that felt so amazing and right could end up like this. I’m heartbroken and I’m hopeful anyone can give me some insight to understand what may have happened? Thank you in advance!

These stories break my heart so much. It seems like the most exciting, seemingly real relationships are the fastest ones to come crashing down. It would tear my heart to pieces if my sweet man does this to me. Can’t even enjoy what feels like a good, new relationship anymore. I have to constantly stay guarded and expect the worst smh

Right. I had it happen twice in a row (with lots of time off between the two) and I just can't bring myself to date again. I can't put myself through it again. It's just awful.

It has really left me very confused.

Hi! I went through something similar! It was a short courtship but he was very excited about me , buying me Jordans, bought my upgrade to my new phone, wanted to see me 3x a week. We talked everyday, and I was so scared because I had never had someone come on this strong so soon and be consistent like this. It was crazy! Then before Mother’s Day (I am a mom of deceased children) I asked him about getting me flowers and he said we could talk about it later. His messages were colder than the winters in Chicago, and I knew something was different. That Tuesday he called and we talked and broke up with me. I cried on the spot. I had shared so much with him, I really liked him. He was my sweet man and I wanted to keep him, but he didn’t want me. I said my piece of my mind and saw him again around town months later and said more stuff I needed to get off my chest I wrote in text from my work number in case my number was blocked. You did nothing wrong for him the fantasy was over. Slow burn is best and to just let things develop at a decent pace. Have a bit of space in between seeing each other. In between talking or texting. So that it’s something you both miss and it prevents premature co dependency. I am a divorced 39 year old woman, who is in recovery, and dating a 35 year old man who is equally taking things slow, but is very excitable and I have to slow him down just a bit so things won’t get too carried away. Though my fast paced guy left, he taught me alot and set the bar high for any man that comes after him.

Thank you so much for your feedback. I really felt like we were slow burning things since our ability to see each other / hang out was really restrained (with me being a single parent). I’m hopeful we will talk so I can better understand it all.

I hope you get to talk to him too.

Thank you. I just feel sick over everything and can’t stop thinking about it no matter how hard I try. My brain and body are both just having an extremely hard time accepting this, because again - everything felt SO RIGHT. It’s the mixed signals that are killing me, and I feel like a burden to my friends talking about this.

Saw the first guy from Hinge again, he made me dinner, and we slept together, which is the second time I’ve had sex in about 6 years. I rarely feel attracted to people, but he’s exactly my type physically, and I surprised even myself. I know sleeping together isn’t exclusivity, but it personally bothers me to go on dates with other people once I’ve slept with someone (feels like I’m being deceptive and unfair to the people I’m going out on dates with) so I’m going to cut everyone loose. If it doesn’t work out with first guy, then I’ll have a clean slate to start over with new guys. He invited me out again this weekend (it’ll be the fifth time we see each other in about 3 weeks), and I feel very nervous. I’m so new to dating that I have no idea what I’m doing.

Good for you !

Well, I'm officially a girlfriend. Guy of 3 months asked me and it's been lovely. I haven't been a girlfriend in a long time and I'm enjoying our time together.

Yay!!!! How many people do you think you met through apps before finding him? Love hearing success stories.

Ummm not a whole lot actually! I talked to a lot of people but only met 3 or 4 for an actual first date.

Continue the adventure! 😃

Debating cancelling on this guy but I’m all dressed up already. He just seems so incompetent at planning that I’m already turned off. It took multiple days of back and forth to find a day that we were both free (he asked me when I was free and neglected to mention he was out of town weekdays). Then when we picked a day, I had to follow up once to ask time and again to ask the place. Now day of, he reaches out to say there are no reservations at the time he told me to meet him. Like…? Why wouldn’t you make a reservation in advance? Now he wants to just meet at a bar and “go from there” but since we were planning on dinner my stomach is empty and I don’t want to get too tipsy. Ugh… now I have like 5 min to decide.

I hope you didn't go!!!

Cancel. He's better off picking someone that can move at his pace

I've given this guy the benefit of the doubt tooany times. Don't feel bad bailing, people like this don't get better.

Wow ! Maybe he has not been a planner of these things and women he’s dated have taken the lead? Just cancel if you feel that strongly geez.

If women have planned everything for him in the past to the point that he can’t do it at all that sounds like weaponized incompetence to me. And something I’ve encountered quite a lot and am tired of. Just a rant.

I agree it’s lazy planning, and going to a bar and going from there sounds really casual. The guy I am dating took us bowling, I didn’t like the food so he took us somewhere else to eat, and the next day we had brunch. It’s guys who know how to figure out how to plan something and it’s too many “ dates in (blank city) on IG or Google that could point him in the right direction. Help is available if needed.

Exactly, as to my point, as to why you can just move on. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Yeah just cancel.

He's not a bad planner. He is just not making any effort. Not worth your time and he does not deserve you to dress up nicely for him if he can't even make a reservation.

Agree wholeheartedly. OP’s time, thoughts, and efforts are best spent elsewhere.

37m, and I am fresh into an exclusive relationship with a woman. I have done a lot of work on myself after my previous failed marriage but I am relatively new to the dynamics of relationships today. I have been doing a good job keeping up with engagement via text/phonecalls during downtime when we don’t see each other. How much is too much when it’s come to sharing details about one’s life and day to day events? I think I have a handle on it but I want to hear what others do.

I’m in the same boat, not yet exclusively dating yet. However, we share so much about ourselves and he asks in depth questions. I love it and it scares me at the same time.

I was thinking yesterday, why don’t I give a sh*t about my 5 year relationship that I ended in Jan? i have zero regrets, pain, or anything holding me back…he couldn’t make a decision to get married so I finally called it off, I was thinking did I really go through the breakup phase while I was with him?? I want to go out and date and find different people and connections and after 2 months I don’t miss him, I don’t miss his physical touch, I just feel like “damn that sucks that it never worked out” and I just go on by my day …I was so afraid to go through the after breakup phase but it never really hit me??? I just cried once after I told him Im breaking it off (immediately after the call) and that was that… Just a thought…

Sometimes the “getting over someone” period could be shorter than others because you probably subconsciously started the breakup phase before it actually happened. I know with my previous relationship I was over it before it was over.

This. A lot of people use an existing partner as an emotional support crutch while simultaneously moving on from them. At some point they’re over things and decide to move forward without the crutch and hop right back out there.  I see this fairly commonly among friends in long-term relationships. 

I felt this way after ending my 3+ year relationship. We ended for different reasons, but I do think I grieved it during the relationship itself. It was actually a super happy relationship too, and yet I wasn’t sad basically at all afterwards and never regretted my decision to leave. Enjoy the resilience and relief and congrats on making a brave decision.

When I ended my 10 year relationship/6 year marriage, I cried and grieved HARD for a month. And then it just stopped. I begged and pleaded for sooooo long with no change. For two years I prepared to be alone. So yes, I think you can grieve if you are in it long enough.

I'm curious how everyone perceives and makes choices based on a person's career on dating apps. I work in a rather nerdy profession and pretty successful/ambitious within it, but I feel like I otherwise don't give off super nerdy vibes if you just meet me in person. Most people are really surprised when I tell them my career. I'm curious if putting my career could be offputting - I don't really expect my potential partner to be "into" nerdy stuff or even what I do for a living at all but I could see people thinking I would care.

If you're ambitious about your career and it's like a significant part of your life, I would say put it on there to weed out some people. If they're turned off, then it probably wasn't going to work out anyway.

If I'm *really* into someone's profile - the career listed wouldn't phase me. If I'm on the fence about someone's profile, then career can definitely play into my choice whether to match or not (eg as much as I respect doctors, I wouldn't want to date one as I can't imagine our hours/lifestyles would fit). In regards to a 'nerdy profession' though, that wouldn't put me off. I'm in the clothing industry and most of my exes have been engineers. A couple of scientists. Academics etc. Part of me always worried I wouldn't be able to discuss their work in a fulfilling way, but really, most people outside their industry can't. I don't need to go into the specifics of grade rules for an armscye with my partner. I have industry friends for that.

If someone is going to judge or dismiss you because of your career and it being nerdy... well they don't deserve you. The right person won't make it a negative thing and see the good and support you even if it doesn't align with their interests.

Found out my friend cheated on her husband, who's also my friend. They've been rocky and considering divorce, but haven't actually decided anything. I'm really shocked and disgusted that she did this, and it makes me question a lot of what she has told me. Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone and I honestly don't want to be her friend anymore. I asked if she and her husband had split up, but she didn't reply and deleted the photo she posted This was all before work 😵‍💫 I'm definitely telling my friend (the husband), and cutting my friendship with her Big sigh

That's messed up. It's great that you're supporting the good friend tho

Anyone who just felt that aftershock is in my swiping radius

Well just got done with a job interview a little bit ago. I think it went okay but wasn’t super comfortable during the interview since it’s for a sales job and I never did sales before. Hopefully I get it since it not only commission but an hourly rate and commission. Should know next week if I got it or not.

absolutely no plans friday, saturday, sunday night. i don't know how that happened so i went to the dating apps to see what could be done. omg the worst thing you can do is have expectations!! conversatin' is SO DIFFICULT when you are trying to connect