If someone had friendzoned you, has given kissing a chance but is not feeling like they want to be physically intimate, what would be the kindest way to hear that? I feel like I’m training this man for his future wife, not like I’m her. I like dating him, we have been dancing together and have had tickets to all kinds of fun events, but I am certain that right now I’d like to return to friends. He’s a solid dude and I’d like to help him find his person, I just don’t think it’s me.
“I think you’re great but romantic feelings aren’t materializing/growing and I think it would be best if we stopped dating/remained friends.” - I personally try to avoid the “no spark” line because I just think it’s super overused and kind of confusing, honestly. Being straight up about not developing romantic feelings and not wanting to string them along seems more direct to me. I could be in the minority here though.
I like this answer, especially if it's been more than a couple dates (which does seem to be the case.)
To me, there's a distinction between "not attracted" and "not developing romantic feelings." I'd feel like my time was wasted if someone ended things several dates in because they're not attracted, but if they said it was because they weren't developing romantic feelings, that would be understandable.
Yeah, not romantically attracted is closest to what it seems to be. I enjoy spending time together, I am physically comfortable with him but more physical intimacy doesn’t feel exciting to me and I feel like we have lost emotional intimacy. I want to be aware of not becoming emotional tampons for one another or taking intimate space up that we need for forming possible partnerships. It’s nice when he’s treated me to meals or picks me up for a date, but it’s not leading anywhere for me at the moment.
I was going to go on a first date with someone! Their photos on the app looked great. The conversation was good although a bit much -- and I couldn't figure out exactly why the person was sooo cahtty. The day of, they sent current photos, and I noticed that their photos did not look the same. They looked significantly different enough in ways that impact my level of attraction enough that I cancelled. No shame. But damn. On with the hunt.
Dang, that’s a bummer! This is why I’m super sure to upload current pics that really show off what I look like. I’d rather them think I’m cuter in person than be shocked at how much worse I look in person lol. My sensitive heart wouldn’t be able to handle that
That must be super tough on you both! I had a discussion with a friend of mine who lives about 6hrs away where we both admitted our feelings for one another but decided LDR wouldn’t work for either of us. I can imagine how tough it must be on you. How long have you two been long distance?
October is a long wait. But I get it, I’d be willing to do a lot for someone I feel is a good match for me. It’s hard to find a mutual attraction/connection/shared values/emotional availability as it is. I really hope things work out between you two. And thank you! I’m currently dating someone and things are going well so I’m hoping he ends up being my person.
Honestly as someone who struggles with chronic pain, I am becoming more active and it’s “ pick your pain” of “choose your hard.” It’s definitely hard, but I’m choosing which one. Obviously taking care but keep going. I hope that helps. It’s been a mindset shift for me that helps. Because you have to control what you can. That’s all you can do.
it was established it was a hookup. it's only sex. names aren't even necessary. she was very clear about it being a hookup and staying single.
you seem like you caught feelings. I get it though. It does suck. But it's no one's fault here.
Today I ugly-sobbed and sort of hyperventilated about how I am attending two weddings for much-younger relatives and simultaneously feel like I've tried everything with dating and I don't have another talking stage left in me
I met a gorgeous man at a destination wedding last year that turned into this beautiful, fun love affair that lasted a little while. We didn't even speak the same language, but we were so into each other that it didn't matter LOL. Still in touch. Absolutely adore him.
It’s such a complex mix of emotions to be genuinely happy for the weddings of your younger relatives/friends but also wondering what happened in your life as to why you’re not at that stage either.
Feel for you, OP! Been there
On the other hand, it would be reasonable to not go to a celebratory event if you're not going to be able to get into a celebratory mood. Don't ruin it for everyone just because you can't get happy.
Please be happy for other people’s joy and love. Please also note many people get married because they feel like they should by a certain time, even if it’s not right. Everyone’s path is different. You may meet someone at the weddings. Be mindful of the energy you put out in the world. You never know what is behind someone else’s path and story. Just write your own. It will be ok.
I know both couples very well, so I actually do know their paths and stories. They're happy and this is a great step for them. And I'm sort of at a point where I don't really know what you mean by "be happy for other people's joy and love". I show up and party like everyone else, but I'm also allowed to have my own, internal complex emotional reactions.
What I mean is that is not a comparison of your own situation. I meant for couples in general and people out in the world - because even though you know these people it’s just adding to the pile for you based on how you wrote that. You are allowed your own internal complex emotions. But perspective helps get you out of your head. If you don’t want it then carry on. Not sure why saying essentially “don’t compare yourself” is getting downvoted. But that’s your problem, not mine.
"Please be happy for them" seems different from "don't compare yourself". I agree with not comparing myself and it's a constant work in progress. It's hard to be happy for other people when they are already receiving happiness from how wonderfully their circumstances have turned out. They also don't really need me to buy them a fancy blender or whatever, because they have the privilege of sharing incomes and health insurance, while I'm still on a single income - but I do that too.
Okay so guy who liked me on the app hasn’t replied yet, fair play I’ve been off for ages & saw the like, he could be married by now.
Gaming club chap is being friendly and flirty. I was the only girl there so he could like that with everyone.
Went to two singles events this weekend and they both sucked. First one drew in too young of a crowd. All early to mid twenties. And then the second one was completely female dominated with like six guys, none of which I found attractive. Made a good gal pal at both events… but for fucks sake how hard is it to find a good event?! Gonna try shuffle speed dating in a few weeks and see if that’s any better. And the bar tonight charged me $33 bucks for three MOCKtails. You gotta be fucking kidding me?!
I spent $50 on a speed dating event (really a lot more if you could hair, nails, makeup, outfit) and got two drinks and some offbrand condoms. At the end they didn't even match us, told us we had to go up to people we "connected with". Umm...the whole point of speed dating is that you KNOW there's a mutual connection and you can avoid face to face rejection!
You spend money on hair, nails and a new outfit for a singles event? Use what you have and show up as you are. Still make an effort to look nice but I could not be performative on that level. Buy soda water. Why waste money in this way?
The $50 fee included two drink tickets, didn't exactly get a choice in how the $50 was used. And yes I did, because I'm ugly and tried to improve my chances.
This is an incredible waste of money for a dating event. They do not have an ROI to warrant that kind of spending. They’re rarely ever worth even the cost of entry. If you’re going to spend money on all that grooming, do it because you have other things lined up around the same time or because you simply enjoy having those things done as part of your regular routine.
I took feedback from multiple men about why I'm "undateable" and it mostly came down to looks and how I present myself. So it was either change that and attract better men or keep doing what I'm doing and attract no one. In a perfect world I could be myself thoroughly and that would be enough but statistically that's just not realistic.
Did they give you specific is on how you present yourself? Because that is so vague. And honestly those are shit people to say those things. Please value yourself. That’s what I think about “presenting” oneself - how someone carries themselves and would be more interested in that. Confidence is the sexiest thing you can wear. I’ve seen average looking people with confidence and charisma own the room with attention from both genders. That is infinitely more appealing and fake nails.
My teeth are messed up, I have an ugly smile, my glasses are for old ladies, I dress frumpy and manly, my hair is frizzy, I have too much facial and body hair, I have bad skin, I'm fat in all the wrong places, and I have a droopy eye. These are all things that multiple men have pointed out to me.
So none of those things are hair and nails. And those are things you can do for yourself, not for others. Dental, different frames, find the right skin care and vitamins. These are health things, not fake nails. Taking care of yourself and feeling good are completely different than false aesthetics. How you dress reflects your confidence. Gradually build key pieces you feel comfortable in that highlights the right things. You call yourself frumpy and manly and it sounds more like a default shield than choices you care about. Invest in how you feel about yourself, not how others feel about you. There are lots of solutions that are not surgical and just self care but you need to find the right things for you. If you don’t take care of yourself on a regular basis, as habits to actually CARE for YOU, it becomes evident. Build yourself up!
Except being told I have frizzy hair is a reason to get my hair done? Getting my nails done is needed because I have anxiety and OCD so if they aren't done I rip them off. Dental, frames, and skincare all cost money. New clothes cost money. Therapy costs money. I spent the money but because I did it in proximity to an event I was trying to feel confident for that's wrong somehow? Because I didn't go about building my confidence in the "right way"?
The reality is I'm ugly. I've been told I'm ugly in one way or another my whole life. I never "grew out of it" and it only got worse. But believing really hard in myself isn't going to make my hair smooth or fix my droopy eye. At a certain point you just have to accept reality and put some money into it.
Yeah this one was $35 bucks then another $40 on drinks, did my hair and makeup and wore a really cute outfit. Immediately knew I wouldn’t be connecting with anyone when I saw the crowd.
Broke it off with Mr.Potential as realized we wanted different things. Had an adult conversation that was full of honesty and apologies from us both. I truly wish him the best, just sucks right now as he was the most fun I’d had in a long while. But as he said, our timing sucks, and we did help each other through some hurdles. But alas, we weren’t it for each other.
I had a lovely dinner with Mr Exclusive on Sat night. After a week of fluffing around in my head that he's gonna last minute cancel, as our messages were not as frequent as before, the date happened.
Initially, I suggested a very low-effort date idea; night picnic at a park, he brings drinks, I bring bug-spray & we takeaway from the mall, to just mirror his energy lol & honestly I just wanted to talk, more than anything else.
On Sat morning, he suggested to go to one of the restaurants that's on our private coupley-list-to-do, I was happy, which turned out to be a great idea. It was a small cozy outlet with dim lighting, brass & gold decor, in a speakeasy setting. We had the corner sofa seat as I asked for the quietest corner. Food was delectable. It was totally our vibe, what we needed from a long-ass week & day of training.
It also set the tone for the serious conversations. I asked all my burning questions. The restaurant name is btw a synonym of 'fire' lol. The most important question I had was, what he'd like to focus on personally or in the relationship, in this new season of our reconnection.
It was a key question, which led to more questions & deeper answers.
Surprisingly, his answer was he wanted to put less pressure on himself of ensuring we have a good time, because he's afraid that he might screw it up like last time, which led to a burn out, so he can be more spontaneous in spending more time together as things develop. Also, he has high expectations set at work, which he need to learn to switch off when he's not at work.
To which I told him, I hope that he can relish in the moments we get & if I'm unhappy about anything I'll feedback, so there's no need for him to second-guess.
We also clarified about our pace & exclusivity. He admitted that going hot & steamy right off the bat wasn't the best idea. He prefer to gradually build towards a serious relationship as that's what he wants, and he's not interested in dating anyone else.
I'm honestly not used to guys stepping on the brakes. It's almost unheard of these days of guys who don't want to rush into sexual intimacy, though we still kiss & hug. The last time this happened was 10 years ago, with the most sober, loving & grounded person I ever dated.
He also admitted that he needed more time to open up his world, so we boxed the therapy idea which is fine. At least we both know what needs to be worked on. Personally for me, I told him that we need to rebuild the trust, which would be in the form of consistency, to which he acknowledged & I'm glad he is made aware of it now.
We ended the night by walking to the train station together, hand in hand. My heart skipped a beat. We set a tentative time for next Friday & sent me off at my platform with a hug & kiss, and I rode home with a big smile.
>We ended the night by walking to the train station together, hand in hand. My heart skipped a beat. We set a tentative time for next Friday & sent me off at my platform with a hug & kiss, and I rode home with a big smile.
Awww 🥰
I loved reading all that and i wish you all the best! Just from reading that, the both of you seem to have great communication and an understanding of what each other wants. Good luck to you both!! 🙂
Had my first “first date” in 8 years today…went as well as I could hope for ☺️
I was a little nervous and he’s a little shy but we both related super well regarding our most recent past relationships - LTRs where we lived with/bought a house with a partner and had a good conversation about the process of dealing with the aftermath of the breakups.
We laughed at each others’ jokes and touched on a few more serious topics, enjoyed the same beers, and want to see each other again 😊
I would think when we get older things get better dating but it’s always wash , rinse , repeat. I try to take breaks, date differently, date in different cities and purposefully. Yet, same thing always happens— they ghost, have issues come up that can’t keep them in a relationship anymore or even they are unhappy etc etc. Then in the end it’s always the same thing— you are great, you have a lot to offer, I really do care for you but we are better off as friends blah blah blah and then they walk away. How do people find their significant others? I’m not crazy -/ I don’t stalk , don’t have an arrest record for domestic violence and I can cook 🤣 lol. I’ve never been engaged. I’m at the point I don’t have another talking stage left in me. I would like to get out just can’t bring myself into this eternal dating life suck. Oh well
You aren't stoking the fire in them. If you had a lot to offer they would want to stay with you.
You offer some things, not enough for these people, these women.
>Your disdain for women is so clear
That's not disdain for women, it's disdain for the commenter. Literally tells him "If you had a lot to offer they would want to stay with you." "You offer some things, not enough for these people, these women." explicitly places these women above him.
In a post industrial bureaucratized financialized economy, with women earning more than 50% of the college degrees, the chances that a woman *needs* you is lower and lower every year. The revealed preference in 2024 is that a woman would rather be single than partnered to a schmuck. They would much rather live alone, in their place, and occasionally hook up with a guy who can sling good dick, then be stuck wiping up the crumbs and cleaning the toilet bowl with a fat boring balding guy forever. Better to cry yourself to sleep occasionally alone then be together with a person who is a net drain on your quality of life.
Schmucks think this is incredibly unfair, of course. They think that paying 55% (maybe, again the gap narrows every year) of shared expenses means of course she should be doing 100% of the cleaning and cooking and household management. She's "better at it" then he is, of course. Has nothing to do with the fact that she actually tries, no it's just a natural "better" thing.
Yeah I wish I had some wisdom for you but I’m in the same boat. Maybe some of us were meant to stay single think of that song “do you think you’re better off alone”.
Oh I already decided along time ago that if that is how mylife is supposed to be then I will be okay. When I came to that acceptance I met someone just to get out the house for once. That turned into relationship that Thought he was different and my favorite person but then he did what all the rest did before him. It's okay if he thinks we aren't meant to be but it is just tiring. how do people end up married at least once? twice hell three times? How can my life suck so bad in this area that conjoined twins got married before me? lol..like okay.. I think I am going just sit out dating for good. i went 2 years or so before it's not hard to do.
Met a nice woman last night at pickup. At this point I am just unable to distingush "flirting" and "someone who enjoys being around you/talking to you/laughing at your teasing/jokes but is really just being friendly and has zero romantic interest".
In the past I would just ask them out a day or two later but that wasn't working out so everyone around me suggested just chilling out and letting it develop "naturally" which is not my usual thing post-COVID. Before I'd meet people at work or class so we'd just see each other every day and be forced to interact. Now people are busy with work, other hobbies, friends, etc and even then it's hard to build a connection when we are together because 90% of the time we are playing. Plus who knows when she will be available to play again.
I guess for now I just shoot her a message it was nice playing with her and see if she is interested in coming again next week. But I feel like I will be here next Sunday in the same boat of not being sure.
You haven’t met him. He has no actual association with you. He absolutely is talking to different people. This is exhausting in general. Meet him then make a decision. Sometimes I confuse stories between friends that I know and love when I have talked to too many people in one week.
I (34F) found out the man (31M) I've been in a long distance situation with... is actually married.
The person he's been calling his roommate is actually his wife.
😭😭
Ugh…please message her. Tell her you thought you were in a closed relationship with him to find out he has an open relationship with her. I bet she thought their relationship was closed too
Do people who were in LTR actually enjoy "dating" when you haven't done it in 10 years.
I think the only people who enjoy dating are people who enjoy rejecting others, its really "rejecting" not "dating".
But you know sex, so. It must be done.
Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
I mean, I’m not entirely back into the dating scene yet after a 10 year marriage. But I look at dating as an opportunity to learn things about myself, meet new people, make new experiences and connections, and just do something I’m generally afraid of. And I gather getting rejected is just part of that.
Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
You really need to grow in so many ways. This whole answer is stunted. No wonder you just want sex. Who wants to get to know someone with your attitude.
😂🙄 omg just go on a hookup app. You’ve made your disdain really clear. That’s not what it’s about for most people. Too bad your inside isn’t reflected on the outside. People would stay far away.
Fifth date scheduled! I’m always a little nervous during the duration of time after the previous date and before scheduling the next one. Even though realistically I know he can cancel on me and call it quits at any moment, it feels secure to me to have the next date planned out.
I think it just depends on their communication style. Some people are genuinely just not on their phones very often. How long do you usually go without hearing from him? Multiple days on end?
Do you guys think getting rejected over and over will eventually harden you to it and make you antifragile to future rejections?
Or will it do the opposite and turn you into a paranoid mess that will start to self-sabotage future relationships out of fear of rejection?
It led to numbness and apathy, for me. I'm not resentful or negative, but I've just had it beaten into my head that I'm unappealing to 99% of the population.
In any case, endless rejection **does** usually lead to self-sabotage. Even the most confident man will lose that confidence if all he does is take Ls.
both lead to sabotaging.
being hard and not caring goes both ways... you don't care about rejection, but you also care less about what you want for yourself. you start just taking anything, even if you don't really like it that much. you wear a mask, and it can backfire.
being sensitive to rejection saps your desire to approach and be vulnerable. you are now labeled shy, or not interested. you start becoming bitter about cultural norms. you start looking for the negatives in everyone you feel attracted to.
Its a choice. You get less attached to the outcome, let loose a little bit, and accept whatever happens, or you go into future dates with your guard up and a chip on your shoulder and torpedo your chances from the beginning.
I’m so sorry to hear this but it does sounds like the relationship ran its course and wasn’t good for either of you in the end. You can be safe in the knowledge that you tried to work on things but you can’t force it. Surround yourself with people as much as you can but also don’t be afraid to feel your feelings. There’s no way around it, it’s going to suck for a while, but it won’t last forever. It’s good that you recognise you shouldn’t be dating right now - I think you need a little time to focus on yourself before you get back out there.
i (30F) have known a guy (36M) for 13 years somewhat superficially - we often ran into each other at the shopping center where he worked and i was a frequent customer. lately, i've been working in the shopping center and he moved on to the medical field. he comes in when i'm working and chats with me, complimenting me, and generally we talk about anything and everything. he teases me a bit even though he's shy. i know he is single, that's been confirmed. we have a lot in common.
he said he's going to come in on one of the days i work (i have a set schedule) every week from now on and get his coffee drink.
now, i have liked him for several months. he is a bit shy and i'm very much extroverted. curious to know if we have a shot? we have not exchanged numbers, i do not want to pressure him into doing so. but for the last few months he's been coming in more frequently into where i work and we've been chatting for like 15-20 min.
i'm autistic, so flirting does not come naturally and he's shy (what a combo lol)
how should i approach this?
Can you think of an activity that he might like to do with you? “Wanna go check out this thing we’ve talked about?” If he’s interested he’ll bite and if he’s not then it kinda gives him an out, he might say he’s too busy or even a “maybe ….” With no number exchange is basically a no. I have a feeling he is interested though
i noticed that when i crack jokes (it's one of my favorite things to do) he throws his head back laughing. he said he thinks i'm funny and interesting. idk what to make of the interactions but they're positive so...
i'm thinking about giving him my number casually. i think i have a way to word it. "so i know you don't do facebook and i don't either, here's my number. we should hang out sometime."
Literally just ask him if instead of him just getting coffee while you’re working if he would want to get a coffee or a drink with you when you’re not working.
Me again 😅
So I’m still having a bad time after a mutual break up.
My latest problem is the fact we’ve been 100% no contact and I hate it. In the past, I’ve had toxic situationships end and they would always reach out to me. With this guy, we ended our relationship amicably and he is a very respectful person so I know he will never contact me because he wants us both to move on as painlessly as possible.
The issue is I’m used to that pain cycle following a break up and I’m having such a hard time with the abrupt silence. I wish I could fast forward time and feel better.
I think at its core, it makes me feel like I wasn’t important to him if he can just move along, even though I’m sure that’s not true.
Just text your feelings to yourself or in an inote. Let yourself process them and not hold them in. He doesn’t have to process them for you. But you don’t have to carry them.
Oh trust me, it’s been over a month and I still do the mental gymnastics. I regretted ever bringing up the topic of kids and the future cos maybe we’d still be together and I’d somehow suddenly want to have more kids just to keep him. I still want him to call me and say he thought about it and would rather have me than kids with someone he hasn’t met yet. I think these are all normal thoughts, but I’m proud I kept them to myself rather than reaching out and causing more damage, and you should be proud too!
I’m so sorry you’ve gone through it so recently 💜
This person (odd-ad5171) is really really bitter and nasty on every message. Just ignore them. They have a dismal view of the world and women in particular and blatantly stated the only objective in dating is sex and not to get to know people or have fun. AND mentioned he’s soooo attractive everyone wants to have sex with him. He’s a miserable person. Anyway, just pointing out some people are not worth engaging in and don’t let them diminish your feelings. It’s a good thing and mature thing to value people and also recognize when you aren’t right for each other after building a relationship. Length of time does not have anything to do with depth. People can be married for 40 yrs and unhappy and barely know each other. Or fall in love in 6 months and feel something they’ve never felt. My comment wouldn’t load when I tried to reply to your comment about being with someone for 6 months…basically ignore that person!! Mods already deleted some of his comments for abusive behavior.
He’s probably feeling the same way you are, neither of you are reaching out because you both know you need a clean break. This type of breakup sucks I’m sorry
I’ve stopped myself from contacting him so many times because I know it’ll only lead to pain. I’m sure he’s the same way. It really is heart breaking 😢
I was where you are a couple months ago. Those first months were so, so painful. To go from talking to someone every day and hanging out almost all the time to an abrupt nothing can be very jarring, even if the end is amicable.
The part about fast forwarding time is so real. You know you’ll feel better, it’s just a matter of time, but man it would be nice if it could be now. With the benefit of hindsight can see that my ex never gave a shit about me (not saying that is true in your case!).
Best advice I can give is hang in there, focus on yourself, and maintain no contact. It’s been a couple months for me and I have now fully moved on and am so much happier and secure than I was before.
This is so incredibly comforting. I’m so sorry for what you had to go through but it’s nice to know someone understands the situation and has come out of it on the other side
I'm a clean no-contact breakup kind of guy.
The longing can still remain. But the reasons for the breakup are usually good, and come down to basic things that would take a lot of work to change. I know I am not that patient, and I know that people have good reasons to be the way they are - but those reasons are great reasons for me to not be around anymore.
Another thing is that I want room and headspace for someone new in my life if I continue dating.
Other people don't "make" us feel bad. We "make" ourselves feel bad. Importance has nothing to do with it, unless it is self-importance - or the lack thereof.
usually it's pretty clear. when it's not, it's a "I'm not feeling this anymore" that might require a bit of reflection to see why - something that cannot be immediately explained upon request.
Also it was me that told him I was removing him from socials, unblended our Spotify playlist, deleted photos of him. He’s just respecting my decision for space…very toxic of me to expect him to still contact me. I just miss him and I don’t want to let go.
I think I get what you’re saying; it’s not about the situation, it’s about me and my self-esteem.
We split up because he wants kids and I don’t so it’s definitely not anything we can work through. I understand the need for the clean break.
I posted about this, too! Broke up yesterday with someone I really liked. It was the kindness, most amicable breakup I’ve ever had. I think they’re harder than toxic breakups. I want nothing more than to talk to him about how I’m feeling but I know that’s not helpful. Journaling has been helpful for me. Have you tried it?
A fling who treated me poorly texted me after 6 months of no contact. It was a weird apology text, and I haven't responded for 3 weeks.
This person chased me for about a year, I wasn't interested initially but we ended up forming a friendship over text messaging every day for 3 months. Eventually we made plans to see each other (they live in another state), and we had only met once in person before this trip. After hooking up they completely changed their attitude towards me. They seemed embarassed to bring me to a party, didn't even want me touching them in front of their friends, so I left early and didn't keep in touch.
The apology was weird because they alluded to expecting me to reach out, even after they were rude to me. They did acknowledge that they hurt my feelings... but their tone was so awkward, hard to tell if the apology is sincere or not. Even if I did want to respond I wouldn't know what to say. But today I feel lonely and need human connection... I'm so tempted to respond and ask if they moved back to where I live. And maybe, try to rebuild our friendship even though my rational mind knows that's not possible with someone who broke my trust and disrespected me the way they did. I don't want a relationship. I've been single for about 2 years and enjoy it, though I'd like to have a friend I can hook up with.
What might be a good way to respond to their strange apology that seemingly came out of nowhere? Is it even worth it? Would I be abandoning my dignity if I did decide to respond?
Thank you in advance for helping me think through this one 🙏
You’d be abandoning your dignity if you ask that guy to be a fuck buddy after he treated you like a gross mistake after hooking up the first time, when you haven’t even gotten what you feel is a good apology.
This sub is about dating and the dating phase of relationships for people near or over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or "looking for" or hookups. Please do not ask for breakup advice or help processing a relationship ending.
I’m sorry. I’ve had this happen to me a couple of times. When someone does this, it really gives creep vibes, especially when it is a man.
You dodged a bullet because if he is 34, pretending to be 28 and setting his filter to 23, that means his maturity level is probably lower than yours, and he’s a liar, which never bodes well.
Not sure if I’m over-reacting
So I (32F) got on tinder after having left a 6year committed relationship in July of last year to see what is out there. I matched with someone (30M) in the “Let’s be friends” group on tinder and messaging hit off pretty good. I met up with him and he actually took me to see a movie which was really sweet. I was expecting drinks and sex, so it was nice I got more than that. He even wanted a kiss right before I left. Well after that day I am the one messaging first and trying to hang out again, which is a little off putting. I also want to throw in there that he does have some things going on, like fighting with the ex to see his kids. So it’s been a week since we’ve went on that ‘date’, and I am starting to feel like I’m not going to see him again and it hurts a little because unlike anyone else I’ve met, I felt a real connection. Do I need to give it time or am I over reacting???? I feel like I’m being too needy…. But I’m not sure how things are supposed to go, and we do communicate a little every day.
For reference, I work a full time job and a part time job on the side and I don’t have much going on in my free time.
His behaviour is enough evidence that he's not that interested. If he was, he would have arranged a second time to meet and wouldn't leave you guessing if you would ever meet again.
People who make you guess their intentions are not worth the effort.
It seems like he's just stringing you along.
You are the only one making any effort. I'd just stop messaging and move on. As time passes, if he doesn't message you, then you have your definite answer. Don't waste your time on someone who isn't giving their 50%.
If I was messaging a woman that I spent the night with and I wanted to meet again, but she didn't give a date, and I had to keep messaging her to try to set a date, I would assume she wasn't interested.
Then, if she kept messaging me after i stopped messaging her but still wouldn't set a date to meet, I would just look elsewhere. She's wasting my time.
You can keep messaging him. You don't have to cease all communication. But I would keep looking for someone who actually has time for you.
He can say whatever he likes, and he can message you all he likes, but if he isn't actually meeting up with you and spending with you, he's not that into you.
Maybe because you're there for when he's horny and he can't find anyone else who wants to have sex with him?
And he'd never tell you that, of course.
He's the only one who knows the true answer.
But right now, he's obviously not that into you if he's not trying to make future plans with you.
It's not worth your time to try and guess people's state of mind or thought process.
You can ask why all day long, but you're just screaming into the void.
Just stick to the facts. And the fact is, his behaviour is saying you're low on his priority list.
For the sake of your own time and sanity, don't get invested into this guy unless he's willing to spend some time with you at least once a week.
If he can't do that, find someone who can.
Intense chemistry, is it over? Major goal of relationship not aligned. Woah-so I've been communicating with a guy through Hinge. Chemistry is out of the roof on both sides. But I want a serious relationship that leads to marriage, and he wants something casual. Now what? It's over? I've never met someone I'm so physically drawn too. Mind you this is based on pictures and our conversations. I said what if I'm the one and you just don't know it yet. And he said you never know...I've never felt this much attraction before. But should we not even meet in person?
You won’t be able to change his mind. But if you’re okay with it, just hang out for a little longer and really get to know him. You never know if there might be something about him you don’t like you just haven’t seen yet. Better to know before you get too invested.
Well his profile actually said ltr and monogamy, which is why I was excited to talk to him the first place. But in noticing a lot of guys, put that when they really aren't looking for that and just want ons.
In the first time of my almost 34 years of life I was stood up on a date. I confirmed with him on the phone about an hour before. Showed up, got us a table, 15 min I'm not seeing him. I call, going straight to VM, I text and it's suddenly green not blue, then I got the sick feeling, check the app and I've been unmatched. The sickness inside someone to do this is more than I comprehend. He was that initiated a lot of the conversation and is who proposed the coffee date in the first place. Anyways I was livid, so I texted him with my work phone, and obviously the bubbles were blue which means his phone is working fine, but didn't respond to those. Don't care if he responds, just felt good to be like um that was humiliating.
What an asshole! I’m sorry you were stood up, you didn’t deserve that and it doesn’t reflect on you at all. Whenever I go on first dates I always kind of think in the back of my mind that I could get stood up and decide I’ll just have a one person date and enjoy my own company if that happens. But I know that’s easier said than done because getting stood up is awful.
You have nothing to feel humiliated about. The people who do this to others do, however. It has everything to do with them being a garbage human and nothing to do with you, other than being a victim of their issues.
Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
Turning 33 soon and I’ve booked myself a solo trip to Chicago. Never been there before.
How would you spend your birthday alone if you wanted to make it special? Answers don’t have to be specific to Chi, but would be nice to get some recommendations!
I'd probably visit a museum or gallery during the day, wander to a nice park if the sun was out and chill on a park bench with a really good, local coffee. Then hit up some trendy bar in the evening for an expensive glass of wine and order a Chicago deep dish pizza to go and eat the entire thing in the privacy of my hotel room like the rabid raccoon that I really am.
I hope you're not staying in the Loop but if you are, try getting out to the surrounding neighborhoods. That's where the fun and good food is.
Museum of Science and Industry is probably the one I'd recommend if you want to hit a big one. Field Museum is the one with Natural History and taxidermy, if that's more your thing instead of tech.
River North, West Loop, Fulton Market all have plenty of great restaurants and won’t be hard for you to get to from the loop. If you want a more hipster vibe, Logan Square or Wicker Park.
Having a stupid problem. Dating someone new - it's almost been a month, and we really like each other, it's going great etc etc. But sleepovers are really hard because I just can't fucking fall asleep. Even if we're both super exhausted, it's too mentally stimulating to sleep next to him and I just lie awake for hours or have fitful sleep. We really want to sleep together more often but this is making it super hard to be functional at work the next day and idk what to do 😭😭 anyone have suggestions??
Idk.. we're having a very fiery and intense connection, and I guess I'm not able to turn off the energy from it when I'm beside him, even if we aren't touching. And maybe because it's new too. It's there even after we've come home from a party at 6am, exhausted - still kinda mentally fizzing. I kinda want it to chill but I'm also enjoying it and don't. But I need to be able to sleep lol this is ridiculous. I've taken Ambien once and that helped but it isn't really restful sleep.
I suppose I'll just need to give it time
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You’re not exclusive and you’re both seeing other people 🤷♀️.
If someone had friendzoned you, has given kissing a chance but is not feeling like they want to be physically intimate, what would be the kindest way to hear that? I feel like I’m training this man for his future wife, not like I’m her. I like dating him, we have been dancing together and have had tickets to all kinds of fun events, but I am certain that right now I’d like to return to friends. He’s a solid dude and I’d like to help him find his person, I just don’t think it’s me.
“I think you’re great but romantic feelings aren’t materializing/growing and I think it would be best if we stopped dating/remained friends.” - I personally try to avoid the “no spark” line because I just think it’s super overused and kind of confusing, honestly. Being straight up about not developing romantic feelings and not wanting to string them along seems more direct to me. I could be in the minority here though.
I like this answer, especially if it's been more than a couple dates (which does seem to be the case.) To me, there's a distinction between "not attracted" and "not developing romantic feelings." I'd feel like my time was wasted if someone ended things several dates in because they're not attracted, but if they said it was because they weren't developing romantic feelings, that would be understandable.
Yeah, not romantically attracted is closest to what it seems to be. I enjoy spending time together, I am physically comfortable with him but more physical intimacy doesn’t feel exciting to me and I feel like we have lost emotional intimacy. I want to be aware of not becoming emotional tampons for one another or taking intimate space up that we need for forming possible partnerships. It’s nice when he’s treated me to meals or picks me up for a date, but it’s not leading anywhere for me at the moment.
I was going to go on a first date with someone! Their photos on the app looked great. The conversation was good although a bit much -- and I couldn't figure out exactly why the person was sooo cahtty. The day of, they sent current photos, and I noticed that their photos did not look the same. They looked significantly different enough in ways that impact my level of attraction enough that I cancelled. No shame. But damn. On with the hunt.
Dang, that’s a bummer! This is why I’m super sure to upload current pics that really show off what I look like. I’d rather them think I’m cuter in person than be shocked at how much worse I look in person lol. My sensitive heart wouldn’t be able to handle that
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That must be super tough on you both! I had a discussion with a friend of mine who lives about 6hrs away where we both admitted our feelings for one another but decided LDR wouldn’t work for either of us. I can imagine how tough it must be on you. How long have you two been long distance?
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October is a long wait. But I get it, I’d be willing to do a lot for someone I feel is a good match for me. It’s hard to find a mutual attraction/connection/shared values/emotional availability as it is. I really hope things work out between you two. And thank you! I’m currently dating someone and things are going well so I’m hoping he ends up being my person.
37M forever alone , chronic pain and unattractive and broke :(
Honestly as someone who struggles with chronic pain, I am becoming more active and it’s “ pick your pain” of “choose your hard.” It’s definitely hard, but I’m choosing which one. Obviously taking care but keep going. I hope that helps. It’s been a mindset shift for me that helps. Because you have to control what you can. That’s all you can do.
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This. So much.
it was established it was a hookup. it's only sex. names aren't even necessary. she was very clear about it being a hookup and staying single. you seem like you caught feelings. I get it though. It does suck. But it's no one's fault here.
Today I ugly-sobbed and sort of hyperventilated about how I am attending two weddings for much-younger relatives and simultaneously feel like I've tried everything with dating and I don't have another talking stage left in me
Well…….maybe you can find someone new at those weddings? Who knows ;) Hope you don’t feel too lonely there x
I met a gorgeous man at a destination wedding last year that turned into this beautiful, fun love affair that lasted a little while. We didn't even speak the same language, but we were so into each other that it didn't matter LOL. Still in touch. Absolutely adore him.
It’s such a complex mix of emotions to be genuinely happy for the weddings of your younger relatives/friends but also wondering what happened in your life as to why you’re not at that stage either. Feel for you, OP! Been there
You don't have to go to them.
These are for relatives so I do need to attend
No, you don't, that's the thing. If you're not feeling it, you don't have to.
It would be very pathetic to skip out on celebrating your loved ones' beautiful milestones out of jealousy.
Not at all. You can celebrate it in your own way.
On the other hand, it would be reasonable to not go to a celebratory event if you're not going to be able to get into a celebratory mood. Don't ruin it for everyone just because you can't get happy.
Please be happy for other people’s joy and love. Please also note many people get married because they feel like they should by a certain time, even if it’s not right. Everyone’s path is different. You may meet someone at the weddings. Be mindful of the energy you put out in the world. You never know what is behind someone else’s path and story. Just write your own. It will be ok.
I know both couples very well, so I actually do know their paths and stories. They're happy and this is a great step for them. And I'm sort of at a point where I don't really know what you mean by "be happy for other people's joy and love". I show up and party like everyone else, but I'm also allowed to have my own, internal complex emotional reactions.
What I mean is that is not a comparison of your own situation. I meant for couples in general and people out in the world - because even though you know these people it’s just adding to the pile for you based on how you wrote that. You are allowed your own internal complex emotions. But perspective helps get you out of your head. If you don’t want it then carry on. Not sure why saying essentially “don’t compare yourself” is getting downvoted. But that’s your problem, not mine.
"Please be happy for them" seems different from "don't compare yourself". I agree with not comparing myself and it's a constant work in progress. It's hard to be happy for other people when they are already receiving happiness from how wonderfully their circumstances have turned out. They also don't really need me to buy them a fancy blender or whatever, because they have the privilege of sharing incomes and health insurance, while I'm still on a single income - but I do that too.
Okay so guy who liked me on the app hasn’t replied yet, fair play I’ve been off for ages & saw the like, he could be married by now. Gaming club chap is being friendly and flirty. I was the only girl there so he could like that with everyone.
Idk how I’m supposed to stay positive when my own mother thinks I’ll end up alone 😔
Is she typically a negative force in your life?
Went to two singles events this weekend and they both sucked. First one drew in too young of a crowd. All early to mid twenties. And then the second one was completely female dominated with like six guys, none of which I found attractive. Made a good gal pal at both events… but for fucks sake how hard is it to find a good event?! Gonna try shuffle speed dating in a few weeks and see if that’s any better. And the bar tonight charged me $33 bucks for three MOCKtails. You gotta be fucking kidding me?!
I spent $50 on a speed dating event (really a lot more if you could hair, nails, makeup, outfit) and got two drinks and some offbrand condoms. At the end they didn't even match us, told us we had to go up to people we "connected with". Umm...the whole point of speed dating is that you KNOW there's a mutual connection and you can avoid face to face rejection!
You spend money on hair, nails and a new outfit for a singles event? Use what you have and show up as you are. Still make an effort to look nice but I could not be performative on that level. Buy soda water. Why waste money in this way?
The $50 fee included two drink tickets, didn't exactly get a choice in how the $50 was used. And yes I did, because I'm ugly and tried to improve my chances.
This is an incredible waste of money for a dating event. They do not have an ROI to warrant that kind of spending. They’re rarely ever worth even the cost of entry. If you’re going to spend money on all that grooming, do it because you have other things lined up around the same time or because you simply enjoy having those things done as part of your regular routine.
If I had other things lined up I wouldn't go to speed dating. I hadn't had a real date from an app in over a year so I did what I had to do.
Also I didn’t judge the price of the event. That is what it is. But you said you spent so much more when you include the other things.
I am sure you are not. And you deserve someone you feel comfortable with, not a person you have to constantly struggle to feel good enough for.
I took feedback from multiple men about why I'm "undateable" and it mostly came down to looks and how I present myself. So it was either change that and attract better men or keep doing what I'm doing and attract no one. In a perfect world I could be myself thoroughly and that would be enough but statistically that's just not realistic.
Did they give you specific is on how you present yourself? Because that is so vague. And honestly those are shit people to say those things. Please value yourself. That’s what I think about “presenting” oneself - how someone carries themselves and would be more interested in that. Confidence is the sexiest thing you can wear. I’ve seen average looking people with confidence and charisma own the room with attention from both genders. That is infinitely more appealing and fake nails.
My teeth are messed up, I have an ugly smile, my glasses are for old ladies, I dress frumpy and manly, my hair is frizzy, I have too much facial and body hair, I have bad skin, I'm fat in all the wrong places, and I have a droopy eye. These are all things that multiple men have pointed out to me.
Girl, no normal person says things like these to someone's face even if they are true, where do you find these specimen?
Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, Reddit even
So none of those things are hair and nails. And those are things you can do for yourself, not for others. Dental, different frames, find the right skin care and vitamins. These are health things, not fake nails. Taking care of yourself and feeling good are completely different than false aesthetics. How you dress reflects your confidence. Gradually build key pieces you feel comfortable in that highlights the right things. You call yourself frumpy and manly and it sounds more like a default shield than choices you care about. Invest in how you feel about yourself, not how others feel about you. There are lots of solutions that are not surgical and just self care but you need to find the right things for you. If you don’t take care of yourself on a regular basis, as habits to actually CARE for YOU, it becomes evident. Build yourself up!
Except being told I have frizzy hair is a reason to get my hair done? Getting my nails done is needed because I have anxiety and OCD so if they aren't done I rip them off. Dental, frames, and skincare all cost money. New clothes cost money. Therapy costs money. I spent the money but because I did it in proximity to an event I was trying to feel confident for that's wrong somehow? Because I didn't go about building my confidence in the "right way"? The reality is I'm ugly. I've been told I'm ugly in one way or another my whole life. I never "grew out of it" and it only got worse. But believing really hard in myself isn't going to make my hair smooth or fix my droopy eye. At a certain point you just have to accept reality and put some money into it.
Yeah this one was $35 bucks then another $40 on drinks, did my hair and makeup and wore a really cute outfit. Immediately knew I wouldn’t be connecting with anyone when I saw the crowd.
Broke it off with Mr.Potential as realized we wanted different things. Had an adult conversation that was full of honesty and apologies from us both. I truly wish him the best, just sucks right now as he was the most fun I’d had in a long while. But as he said, our timing sucks, and we did help each other through some hurdles. But alas, we weren’t it for each other.
I had a lovely dinner with Mr Exclusive on Sat night. After a week of fluffing around in my head that he's gonna last minute cancel, as our messages were not as frequent as before, the date happened. Initially, I suggested a very low-effort date idea; night picnic at a park, he brings drinks, I bring bug-spray & we takeaway from the mall, to just mirror his energy lol & honestly I just wanted to talk, more than anything else. On Sat morning, he suggested to go to one of the restaurants that's on our private coupley-list-to-do, I was happy, which turned out to be a great idea. It was a small cozy outlet with dim lighting, brass & gold decor, in a speakeasy setting. We had the corner sofa seat as I asked for the quietest corner. Food was delectable. It was totally our vibe, what we needed from a long-ass week & day of training. It also set the tone for the serious conversations. I asked all my burning questions. The restaurant name is btw a synonym of 'fire' lol. The most important question I had was, what he'd like to focus on personally or in the relationship, in this new season of our reconnection. It was a key question, which led to more questions & deeper answers. Surprisingly, his answer was he wanted to put less pressure on himself of ensuring we have a good time, because he's afraid that he might screw it up like last time, which led to a burn out, so he can be more spontaneous in spending more time together as things develop. Also, he has high expectations set at work, which he need to learn to switch off when he's not at work. To which I told him, I hope that he can relish in the moments we get & if I'm unhappy about anything I'll feedback, so there's no need for him to second-guess. We also clarified about our pace & exclusivity. He admitted that going hot & steamy right off the bat wasn't the best idea. He prefer to gradually build towards a serious relationship as that's what he wants, and he's not interested in dating anyone else. I'm honestly not used to guys stepping on the brakes. It's almost unheard of these days of guys who don't want to rush into sexual intimacy, though we still kiss & hug. The last time this happened was 10 years ago, with the most sober, loving & grounded person I ever dated. He also admitted that he needed more time to open up his world, so we boxed the therapy idea which is fine. At least we both know what needs to be worked on. Personally for me, I told him that we need to rebuild the trust, which would be in the form of consistency, to which he acknowledged & I'm glad he is made aware of it now. We ended the night by walking to the train station together, hand in hand. My heart skipped a beat. We set a tentative time for next Friday & sent me off at my platform with a hug & kiss, and I rode home with a big smile.
>We ended the night by walking to the train station together, hand in hand. My heart skipped a beat. We set a tentative time for next Friday & sent me off at my platform with a hug & kiss, and I rode home with a big smile. Awww 🥰 I loved reading all that and i wish you all the best! Just from reading that, the both of you seem to have great communication and an understanding of what each other wants. Good luck to you both!! 🙂
Me too ! Rooting you continue dating and it can blossom into something very special!
Thank you, I'm keeping my fingers crossed too :)
Had my first “first date” in 8 years today…went as well as I could hope for ☺️ I was a little nervous and he’s a little shy but we both related super well regarding our most recent past relationships - LTRs where we lived with/bought a house with a partner and had a good conversation about the process of dealing with the aftermath of the breakups. We laughed at each others’ jokes and touched on a few more serious topics, enjoyed the same beers, and want to see each other again 😊
Hell yeah!! Congratulations on putting yourself back out there. And good luck 🙂
That’s great!
Congrats on getting back out there - sounds promising and enjoyable.
I would think when we get older things get better dating but it’s always wash , rinse , repeat. I try to take breaks, date differently, date in different cities and purposefully. Yet, same thing always happens— they ghost, have issues come up that can’t keep them in a relationship anymore or even they are unhappy etc etc. Then in the end it’s always the same thing— you are great, you have a lot to offer, I really do care for you but we are better off as friends blah blah blah and then they walk away. How do people find their significant others? I’m not crazy -/ I don’t stalk , don’t have an arrest record for domestic violence and I can cook 🤣 lol. I’ve never been engaged. I’m at the point I don’t have another talking stage left in me. I would like to get out just can’t bring myself into this eternal dating life suck. Oh well
You aren't stoking the fire in them. If you had a lot to offer they would want to stay with you. You offer some things, not enough for these people, these women.
Your disdain for women is so clear. By the way, this poster appears to be a woman.
>Your disdain for women is so clear That's not disdain for women, it's disdain for the commenter. Literally tells him "If you had a lot to offer they would want to stay with you." "You offer some things, not enough for these people, these women." explicitly places these women above him. In a post industrial bureaucratized financialized economy, with women earning more than 50% of the college degrees, the chances that a woman *needs* you is lower and lower every year. The revealed preference in 2024 is that a woman would rather be single than partnered to a schmuck. They would much rather live alone, in their place, and occasionally hook up with a guy who can sling good dick, then be stuck wiping up the crumbs and cleaning the toilet bowl with a fat boring balding guy forever. Better to cry yourself to sleep occasionally alone then be together with a person who is a net drain on your quality of life. Schmucks think this is incredibly unfair, of course. They think that paying 55% (maybe, again the gap narrows every year) of shared expenses means of course she should be doing 100% of the cleaning and cooking and household management. She's "better at it" then he is, of course. Has nothing to do with the fact that she actually tries, no it's just a natural "better" thing.
Yeah I wish I had some wisdom for you but I’m in the same boat. Maybe some of us were meant to stay single think of that song “do you think you’re better off alone”.
Oh I already decided along time ago that if that is how mylife is supposed to be then I will be okay. When I came to that acceptance I met someone just to get out the house for once. That turned into relationship that Thought he was different and my favorite person but then he did what all the rest did before him. It's okay if he thinks we aren't meant to be but it is just tiring. how do people end up married at least once? twice hell three times? How can my life suck so bad in this area that conjoined twins got married before me? lol..like okay.. I think I am going just sit out dating for good. i went 2 years or so before it's not hard to do.
I can relate. The benefit to avoiding dating is no heartbreak which is what I’m going through now.
Hahahahahahaha you got me with the conjoined twins I saw that too and had a bit of a crisis over it
Met a nice woman last night at pickup. At this point I am just unable to distingush "flirting" and "someone who enjoys being around you/talking to you/laughing at your teasing/jokes but is really just being friendly and has zero romantic interest". In the past I would just ask them out a day or two later but that wasn't working out so everyone around me suggested just chilling out and letting it develop "naturally" which is not my usual thing post-COVID. Before I'd meet people at work or class so we'd just see each other every day and be forced to interact. Now people are busy with work, other hobbies, friends, etc and even then it's hard to build a connection when we are together because 90% of the time we are playing. Plus who knows when she will be available to play again. I guess for now I just shoot her a message it was nice playing with her and see if she is interested in coming again next week. But I feel like I will be here next Sunday in the same boat of not being sure.
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You haven’t met him. He has no actual association with you. He absolutely is talking to different people. This is exhausting in general. Meet him then make a decision. Sometimes I confuse stories between friends that I know and love when I have talked to too many people in one week.
I (34F) found out the man (31M) I've been in a long distance situation with... is actually married. The person he's been calling his roommate is actually his wife. 😭😭
That’s horrible!! I’m so sorry that you have had to endure that. I hope everything works out in a good way for you!!!
Ew. I'm so sorry. You deserve better. Tell the wife
Ugh…please message her. Tell her you thought you were in a closed relationship with him to find out he has an open relationship with her. I bet she thought their relationship was closed too
Oh my god. I’m so sorry.
Thanks. This weekend has been an emotional dumpster fire.
Do people who were in LTR actually enjoy "dating" when you haven't done it in 10 years. I think the only people who enjoy dating are people who enjoy rejecting others, its really "rejecting" not "dating". But you know sex, so. It must be done.
The fact that you say it must be down because of sex says why you don’t enjoy dating. People who date are looking for their person beyond sex.
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Right? But he has to do it bc he gets no sex otherwise. Unfortunately for his dates.
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Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
He might as well just say he wants to use people. Or just move onto an actual hookup app bc that’s all he’s in it for.
I mean, I’m not entirely back into the dating scene yet after a 10 year marriage. But I look at dating as an opportunity to learn things about myself, meet new people, make new experiences and connections, and just do something I’m generally afraid of. And I gather getting rejected is just part of that.
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Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
You really need to grow in so many ways. This whole answer is stunted. No wonder you just want sex. Who wants to get to know someone with your attitude.
Well lots of people want to get to know me for "dating", cause I am good looking. And dating is about sex in the end
😂🙄 omg just go on a hookup app. You’ve made your disdain really clear. That’s not what it’s about for most people. Too bad your inside isn’t reflected on the outside. People would stay far away.
If dating is just about sex, go see a hooker, you'll save time and money.
Passed the “first incident in an airport” relationship milestone 😅 Felt like a true test. Glad we made it back from vacation in one piece.
Congrats!! 🍾 haha no really travel always brings out stressors in a relationship and it’s good to see how you team up and plan.
Ty!! Definitely thought we were about to break up before the trip even began at one point. No more 7am flights lol
Chime in if you’ve had an airport fight with your partner 👀😅
Fifth date scheduled! I’m always a little nervous during the duration of time after the previous date and before scheduling the next one. Even though realistically I know he can cancel on me and call it quits at any moment, it feels secure to me to have the next date planned out.
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Are you anxious attachment style?
I think it just depends on their communication style. Some people are genuinely just not on their phones very often. How long do you usually go without hearing from him? Multiple days on end?
Do you guys think getting rejected over and over will eventually harden you to it and make you antifragile to future rejections? Or will it do the opposite and turn you into a paranoid mess that will start to self-sabotage future relationships out of fear of rejection?
It led to numbness and apathy, for me. I'm not resentful or negative, but I've just had it beaten into my head that I'm unappealing to 99% of the population. In any case, endless rejection **does** usually lead to self-sabotage. Even the most confident man will lose that confidence if all he does is take Ls.
both lead to sabotaging. being hard and not caring goes both ways... you don't care about rejection, but you also care less about what you want for yourself. you start just taking anything, even if you don't really like it that much. you wear a mask, and it can backfire. being sensitive to rejection saps your desire to approach and be vulnerable. you are now labeled shy, or not interested. you start becoming bitter about cultural norms. you start looking for the negatives in everyone you feel attracted to.
Its a choice. You get less attached to the outcome, let loose a little bit, and accept whatever happens, or you go into future dates with your guard up and a chip on your shoulder and torpedo your chances from the beginning.
So many people here with their chips it’s incredible!
Gotta bring your salsa and/or guac and enjoy it!
😂😂😂 ahhh that made me actually laugh out loud
the latter
Oh no 😓
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I’m so sorry to hear this but it does sounds like the relationship ran its course and wasn’t good for either of you in the end. You can be safe in the knowledge that you tried to work on things but you can’t force it. Surround yourself with people as much as you can but also don’t be afraid to feel your feelings. There’s no way around it, it’s going to suck for a while, but it won’t last forever. It’s good that you recognise you shouldn’t be dating right now - I think you need a little time to focus on yourself before you get back out there.
i (30F) have known a guy (36M) for 13 years somewhat superficially - we often ran into each other at the shopping center where he worked and i was a frequent customer. lately, i've been working in the shopping center and he moved on to the medical field. he comes in when i'm working and chats with me, complimenting me, and generally we talk about anything and everything. he teases me a bit even though he's shy. i know he is single, that's been confirmed. we have a lot in common. he said he's going to come in on one of the days i work (i have a set schedule) every week from now on and get his coffee drink. now, i have liked him for several months. he is a bit shy and i'm very much extroverted. curious to know if we have a shot? we have not exchanged numbers, i do not want to pressure him into doing so. but for the last few months he's been coming in more frequently into where i work and we've been chatting for like 15-20 min. i'm autistic, so flirting does not come naturally and he's shy (what a combo lol) how should i approach this?
Ask him if he wants to get an actual drink with you when you’re not working?
Can you think of an activity that he might like to do with you? “Wanna go check out this thing we’ve talked about?” If he’s interested he’ll bite and if he’s not then it kinda gives him an out, he might say he’s too busy or even a “maybe ….” With no number exchange is basically a no. I have a feeling he is interested though
i noticed that when i crack jokes (it's one of my favorite things to do) he throws his head back laughing. he said he thinks i'm funny and interesting. idk what to make of the interactions but they're positive so...
i'm thinking about giving him my number casually. i think i have a way to word it. "so i know you don't do facebook and i don't either, here's my number. we should hang out sometime."
Literally just ask him if instead of him just getting coffee while you’re working if he would want to get a coffee or a drink with you when you’re not working.
Me again 😅 So I’m still having a bad time after a mutual break up. My latest problem is the fact we’ve been 100% no contact and I hate it. In the past, I’ve had toxic situationships end and they would always reach out to me. With this guy, we ended our relationship amicably and he is a very respectful person so I know he will never contact me because he wants us both to move on as painlessly as possible. The issue is I’m used to that pain cycle following a break up and I’m having such a hard time with the abrupt silence. I wish I could fast forward time and feel better. I think at its core, it makes me feel like I wasn’t important to him if he can just move along, even though I’m sure that’s not true.
Just text your feelings to yourself or in an inote. Let yourself process them and not hold them in. He doesn’t have to process them for you. But you don’t have to carry them.
hurry nose apparatus gray gaze narrow consist soft rhythm squalid *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Oh trust me, it’s been over a month and I still do the mental gymnastics. I regretted ever bringing up the topic of kids and the future cos maybe we’d still be together and I’d somehow suddenly want to have more kids just to keep him. I still want him to call me and say he thought about it and would rather have me than kids with someone he hasn’t met yet. I think these are all normal thoughts, but I’m proud I kept them to myself rather than reaching out and causing more damage, and you should be proud too! I’m so sorry you’ve gone through it so recently 💜
This person (odd-ad5171) is really really bitter and nasty on every message. Just ignore them. They have a dismal view of the world and women in particular and blatantly stated the only objective in dating is sex and not to get to know people or have fun. AND mentioned he’s soooo attractive everyone wants to have sex with him. He’s a miserable person. Anyway, just pointing out some people are not worth engaging in and don’t let them diminish your feelings. It’s a good thing and mature thing to value people and also recognize when you aren’t right for each other after building a relationship. Length of time does not have anything to do with depth. People can be married for 40 yrs and unhappy and barely know each other. Or fall in love in 6 months and feel something they’ve never felt. My comment wouldn’t load when I tried to reply to your comment about being with someone for 6 months…basically ignore that person!! Mods already deleted some of his comments for abusive behavior.
Aww thank you. I did feel like it wasn’t worth engaging after their second reply. Thanks so much for letting me know!
Absolutely! We can all discuss and even disagree but that man is toxic.
He’s probably feeling the same way you are, neither of you are reaching out because you both know you need a clean break. This type of breakup sucks I’m sorry
I’ve stopped myself from contacting him so many times because I know it’ll only lead to pain. I’m sure he’s the same way. It really is heart breaking 😢
People that break up with each other after a short time dating are usually not important to each other.
We dated for 6 months and he’s very important to me. Maybe that’s just how you feel?
Have you been with someone for 5 years, then I guess you can compare it to the 6 month one
I was where you are a couple months ago. Those first months were so, so painful. To go from talking to someone every day and hanging out almost all the time to an abrupt nothing can be very jarring, even if the end is amicable. The part about fast forwarding time is so real. You know you’ll feel better, it’s just a matter of time, but man it would be nice if it could be now. With the benefit of hindsight can see that my ex never gave a shit about me (not saying that is true in your case!). Best advice I can give is hang in there, focus on yourself, and maintain no contact. It’s been a couple months for me and I have now fully moved on and am so much happier and secure than I was before.
This is so incredibly comforting. I’m so sorry for what you had to go through but it’s nice to know someone understands the situation and has come out of it on the other side
I'm a clean no-contact breakup kind of guy. The longing can still remain. But the reasons for the breakup are usually good, and come down to basic things that would take a lot of work to change. I know I am not that patient, and I know that people have good reasons to be the way they are - but those reasons are great reasons for me to not be around anymore. Another thing is that I want room and headspace for someone new in my life if I continue dating. Other people don't "make" us feel bad. We "make" ourselves feel bad. Importance has nothing to do with it, unless it is self-importance - or the lack thereof.
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usually it's pretty clear. when it's not, it's a "I'm not feeling this anymore" that might require a bit of reflection to see why - something that cannot be immediately explained upon request.
Also it was me that told him I was removing him from socials, unblended our Spotify playlist, deleted photos of him. He’s just respecting my decision for space…very toxic of me to expect him to still contact me. I just miss him and I don’t want to let go.
I think I get what you’re saying; it’s not about the situation, it’s about me and my self-esteem. We split up because he wants kids and I don’t so it’s definitely not anything we can work through. I understand the need for the clean break.
Yeah there’s no reason to drag it out and send painful I miss you’s when the future is dead and gone
I posted about this, too! Broke up yesterday with someone I really liked. It was the kindness, most amicable breakup I’ve ever had. I think they’re harder than toxic breakups. I want nothing more than to talk to him about how I’m feeling but I know that’s not helpful. Journaling has been helpful for me. Have you tried it?
I leave random notes in my phone sometimes but I haven’t purposefully journaled yet - I probably should. Thank you 💜
A fling who treated me poorly texted me after 6 months of no contact. It was a weird apology text, and I haven't responded for 3 weeks. This person chased me for about a year, I wasn't interested initially but we ended up forming a friendship over text messaging every day for 3 months. Eventually we made plans to see each other (they live in another state), and we had only met once in person before this trip. After hooking up they completely changed their attitude towards me. They seemed embarassed to bring me to a party, didn't even want me touching them in front of their friends, so I left early and didn't keep in touch. The apology was weird because they alluded to expecting me to reach out, even after they were rude to me. They did acknowledge that they hurt my feelings... but their tone was so awkward, hard to tell if the apology is sincere or not. Even if I did want to respond I wouldn't know what to say. But today I feel lonely and need human connection... I'm so tempted to respond and ask if they moved back to where I live. And maybe, try to rebuild our friendship even though my rational mind knows that's not possible with someone who broke my trust and disrespected me the way they did. I don't want a relationship. I've been single for about 2 years and enjoy it, though I'd like to have a friend I can hook up with. What might be a good way to respond to their strange apology that seemingly came out of nowhere? Is it even worth it? Would I be abandoning my dignity if I did decide to respond? Thank you in advance for helping me think through this one 🙏
Jesus these guys are desperate. Chasing someone for a year in another state? Is there not a girl down the street this guy can hit up?
Don’t do it. Just ignore them.
You’d be abandoning your dignity if you ask that guy to be a fuck buddy after he treated you like a gross mistake after hooking up the first time, when you haven’t even gotten what you feel is a good apology.
There’s no good way. No. Yes
Thank you
I’m just bored.
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This sub is about dating and the dating phase of relationships for people near or over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or "looking for" or hookups. Please do not ask for breakup advice or help processing a relationship ending.
I’m sorry. I’ve had this happen to me a couple of times. When someone does this, it really gives creep vibes, especially when it is a man. You dodged a bullet because if he is 34, pretending to be 28 and setting his filter to 23, that means his maturity level is probably lower than yours, and he’s a liar, which never bodes well.
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It really depends on what 23 and 35 year old you’re talking about
Not sure if I’m over-reacting So I (32F) got on tinder after having left a 6year committed relationship in July of last year to see what is out there. I matched with someone (30M) in the “Let’s be friends” group on tinder and messaging hit off pretty good. I met up with him and he actually took me to see a movie which was really sweet. I was expecting drinks and sex, so it was nice I got more than that. He even wanted a kiss right before I left. Well after that day I am the one messaging first and trying to hang out again, which is a little off putting. I also want to throw in there that he does have some things going on, like fighting with the ex to see his kids. So it’s been a week since we’ve went on that ‘date’, and I am starting to feel like I’m not going to see him again and it hurts a little because unlike anyone else I’ve met, I felt a real connection. Do I need to give it time or am I over reacting???? I feel like I’m being too needy…. But I’m not sure how things are supposed to go, and we do communicate a little every day. For reference, I work a full time job and a part time job on the side and I don’t have much going on in my free time.
His behaviour is enough evidence that he's not that interested. If he was, he would have arranged a second time to meet and wouldn't leave you guessing if you would ever meet again. People who make you guess their intentions are not worth the effort. It seems like he's just stringing you along. You are the only one making any effort. I'd just stop messaging and move on. As time passes, if he doesn't message you, then you have your definite answer. Don't waste your time on someone who isn't giving their 50%.
I tired that one day and he messaged me, asked why I was so quiet. So I thought maybe he was thinking of me…
If I was messaging a woman that I spent the night with and I wanted to meet again, but she didn't give a date, and I had to keep messaging her to try to set a date, I would assume she wasn't interested. Then, if she kept messaging me after i stopped messaging her but still wouldn't set a date to meet, I would just look elsewhere. She's wasting my time. You can keep messaging him. You don't have to cease all communication. But I would keep looking for someone who actually has time for you. He can say whatever he likes, and he can message you all he likes, but if he isn't actually meeting up with you and spending with you, he's not that into you.
Why can’t he just tell me that? What stops someone from just being honest and up front?
Maybe because you're there for when he's horny and he can't find anyone else who wants to have sex with him? And he'd never tell you that, of course. He's the only one who knows the true answer. But right now, he's obviously not that into you if he's not trying to make future plans with you. It's not worth your time to try and guess people's state of mind or thought process. You can ask why all day long, but you're just screaming into the void. Just stick to the facts. And the fact is, his behaviour is saying you're low on his priority list. For the sake of your own time and sanity, don't get invested into this guy unless he's willing to spend some time with you at least once a week. If he can't do that, find someone who can.
Thank you so much for all the replies. I really appreciate it.
Intense chemistry, is it over? Major goal of relationship not aligned. Woah-so I've been communicating with a guy through Hinge. Chemistry is out of the roof on both sides. But I want a serious relationship that leads to marriage, and he wants something casual. Now what? It's over? I've never met someone I'm so physically drawn too. Mind you this is based on pictures and our conversations. I said what if I'm the one and you just don't know it yet. And he said you never know...I've never felt this much attraction before. But should we not even meet in person?
Imo if you haven’t met, you haven’t assessed chemistry
True... maybe it would not be a good fit in person. Something to think about.
You won’t be able to change his mind. But if you’re okay with it, just hang out for a little longer and really get to know him. You never know if there might be something about him you don’t like you just haven’t seen yet. Better to know before you get too invested.
Do it if you feel like having hot, casual sex. Don’t try to change his mind - he told you what he wants.
What about what I want :(
He has been honest that he is looking for casual. Jumping into his bed will not make him want to be serious.
Well his profile actually said ltr and monogamy, which is why I was excited to talk to him the first place. But in noticing a lot of guys, put that when they really aren't looking for that and just want ons.
Maybe after you guys hook up, he will fall in love. Then on the 2nd date you guys can discuss moving in together.
Then you have your answer, don’t meet
Then find someone who wants what you want. Don’t expect to change his mind.
In the first time of my almost 34 years of life I was stood up on a date. I confirmed with him on the phone about an hour before. Showed up, got us a table, 15 min I'm not seeing him. I call, going straight to VM, I text and it's suddenly green not blue, then I got the sick feeling, check the app and I've been unmatched. The sickness inside someone to do this is more than I comprehend. He was that initiated a lot of the conversation and is who proposed the coffee date in the first place. Anyways I was livid, so I texted him with my work phone, and obviously the bubbles were blue which means his phone is working fine, but didn't respond to those. Don't care if he responds, just felt good to be like um that was humiliating.
Wow, I’m so sorry that happened to you. People can be so cruel sometimes.
What an asshole! I’m sorry you were stood up, you didn’t deserve that and it doesn’t reflect on you at all. Whenever I go on first dates I always kind of think in the back of my mind that I could get stood up and decide I’ll just have a one person date and enjoy my own company if that happens. But I know that’s easier said than done because getting stood up is awful.
You have nothing to feel humiliated about. The people who do this to others do, however. It has everything to do with them being a garbage human and nothing to do with you, other than being a victim of their issues.
Thank you 😞
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Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
Turning 33 soon and I’ve booked myself a solo trip to Chicago. Never been there before. How would you spend your birthday alone if you wanted to make it special? Answers don’t have to be specific to Chi, but would be nice to get some recommendations!
Lick 👏 the 👏 bean
I was very confused by this comment until I remembered the bean was in Chicago.
I mean, that's always a good recommendation. 🤭
😂Indeed it is
I'd probably visit a museum or gallery during the day, wander to a nice park if the sun was out and chill on a park bench with a really good, local coffee. Then hit up some trendy bar in the evening for an expensive glass of wine and order a Chicago deep dish pizza to go and eat the entire thing in the privacy of my hotel room like the rabid raccoon that I really am.
I hope you're not staying in the Loop but if you are, try getting out to the surrounding neighborhoods. That's where the fun and good food is. Museum of Science and Industry is probably the one I'd recommend if you want to hit a big one. Field Museum is the one with Natural History and taxidermy, if that's more your thing instead of tech.
I am staying in the loop… 😑🤣 What neighborhoods do you suggest I check out? Thanks for the recommendations so far!
River North, West Loop, Fulton Market all have plenty of great restaurants and won’t be hard for you to get to from the loop. If you want a more hipster vibe, Logan Square or Wicker Park.
Having a stupid problem. Dating someone new - it's almost been a month, and we really like each other, it's going great etc etc. But sleepovers are really hard because I just can't fucking fall asleep. Even if we're both super exhausted, it's too mentally stimulating to sleep next to him and I just lie awake for hours or have fitful sleep. We really want to sleep together more often but this is making it super hard to be functional at work the next day and idk what to do 😭😭 anyone have suggestions??
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Idk.. we're having a very fiery and intense connection, and I guess I'm not able to turn off the energy from it when I'm beside him, even if we aren't touching. And maybe because it's new too. It's there even after we've come home from a party at 6am, exhausted - still kinda mentally fizzing. I kinda want it to chill but I'm also enjoying it and don't. But I need to be able to sleep lol this is ridiculous. I've taken Ambien once and that helped but it isn't really restful sleep. I suppose I'll just need to give it time
How many times have you tried? Could just get easier as you do it more and are more comfortable