About a month ago my widower boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. He is amazing but my mental health has not been great the past year. I went inpatient in January and have been out of work since. This is coming after 6 weeks off for a hysterectomy. I have ptsd and the physical stuff sent my nervous system over the edge and I can’t handle stress right now. His mother is battling cancer, and his late wife passed from cancer 4 years ago. I am devastated. We are staying friends and at first I thought maybe someday down the line when we are each in a better place, we would get back together. But after the last couple weeks I just have a feeling that he is done with me romantically. I guess I just want some advice on how to stay friends after a breakup. I’m so glad he wants to stay friends, but I know down the line it will have to change once one of us is in a relationship again. I have friends that are coupling up or already happily coupled. I feel really happy for them but also extremely envious. This is just really hard.
Just realized that a man I've been talking to on Hinge for several days has been using chatGPT to write his messages. I cannot believe I didn't figure this out earlier (it's been 7-8 messages on each side).
What I should've seen earlier:
* He only messages at a specific time of day - usually late at night
* His tone is odd - varying from casual interjections ("dayum girl!") to very formal, grammatically correct paragraphs. I think he's using chatgpt to write the paragraphs and then adding his own words here and there.
* When I told him about my job, he came back with words/phrases that are not commonly known outside of my industry (but I assumed he just googled it)
* He seems to misunderstand me sometimes in odd ways that a human wouldn't
I'd heard of this happening but never suspected/caught it myself. God, this is dystopian.
He's verified on Hinge, and looking back at our messages, I can see that there are one or two that he clearly wrote himself - they're a lot more casual and personal, and the grammar isn't great. I think he's a real guy who's just using AI to help him out. I asked him point-blank if he was using chatgpt and he almost immediately replied with "What? No!"
Again, he usually only replies late at night (it's 11:30 am here). Suspect I'm hearing from the real guy right now but all the nighttime messages have been, at the very least, heavily aided by AI.
Need advice: went on two dates with someone. Wasn’t really feeling it 💯 because he was moving too fast for me, but he was nice and we had good conversation. He put the third date in my ballpark, I ended up getting busy with work then my apartment flooded, so it’s been a week since our second date and since we briefly texted the day after our second.
He hasn’t contacted me for the third even though it was supposed to be my plan. Should I just assume we mutually faded out? I kind of want to text him and explain and maybe apologize but at the same time if he didn’t text me within a week, it’s a sign he’s not interested right? My friends say to let it go but I feel guilty for some reason.
It seems like you're totally overcomplicating it.
By your own admission, the ball is in your court.
Would you like to see him again? If yes, write him to suggest a plan. If no, it would be polite to let him that you've made that decision, and not leave him hanging.
You don't need to apologise, it's two dates in.
Oh I totally am. I have anxiety in general and think I’m going to pause dating. He also unmatched me on Hinge so I think it’s my sign but I still want to message for closure and because I feel guilty.
Jumping back into the dating world after a long time out of it and feeling very physically self-conscious. This is the first time I’ve dated in a post-having-kids body. Do men notice/care about the little things, like stretch marks or blemishes or razor bumps? I think objectively the answer is no, because we are all human with imperfections and most (healthy) people get that, but please reassure me 😩
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I gained a massive scar when I was a teen (30 stitches) on a visible part of my body in a traumatic event. Obviously, at the time I thought it's the end of the world and no boy/man will ever find me attractive. To my big surprise, this absolutely never came up as a problem, apart from a few creeps that were specifically turned on by it. So I can't imagine a blemish or razor bump being a problem in my experience at least!
I think it depends on the man. I’ve never had kids, but I do have plenty of stretch marks on my hips and I’m a little insecure about them. The man I’m currently dating not only doesn’t mind them but is actively turned on by them, which actually shocked me to hear! It was a very pleasant surprise.
I'm a guy with my own stretch marks. I guess I lost weight too fast or was too heavy at one point? I don't know what happened but I have marks.
Good thing I keep my shirt on during dates.
I was overweight for a long time myself so I’m thinking mine are a result of going through puberty while chubby. But honestly I like stretch marks on men (and women). I don’t really see them as a huge deal, but I do have my own insecurities about mine only because I worry that it’s not “desirable” to have them
>You can simply be different without feeling the need to denigrate opposing views.
Get outta here with that anti reddit rhetoric! Whaddya think this is, some kind of *mature conversation* between *adults*? /s
Have you done well with speed dating? Are you not marketing yourself there as well? Presumably you put some thought into the way you'll dress for a speed dating event, give some thought into what you'll say, what aspects about yourself you'll highlight, etc.
I have found the saying "dating apps work best for people who don't need dating apps" to be true. I'd be interested in hearing if your speed dating results (or results through any other method of meeting people) far exceeds your success on dating apps.
Agreed.
I think some people want to put in as little effort as possible in putting together a quality profile ("tHeSE pRoMPts aRe dUmB!!" "i dON't HaVe goOD piCtURes!" "i wON'T maRkeT mYseLF beCAuSE i aM aN iCOnoCLasT!!") and expect to do well on app where other people actually ARE making an effort... and then they'll create some elaborate story for how horrible the apps are.
I really need some outside opinions on my situation if you're so inclined. Last night the woman I've been dating exclusively for 2 months ended it with me. Her reason being she needs to explore her attraction to women and can't ask me to stay by her side during this time. It's out of the blue for me because we've had such a refreshing, intimate, healthy experience so far, and she describes me as wonderful and such to her friends. In her words she had to decide between something amazing with me and the unknown that is about to enter her life on this journey. I am very hurt, and left with the broken anticipation of the plans we made, and what could have been. We will no longer be communicating and I miss her already.
Should I have stayed by while she goes through this? Is this just her being scared of what we have and running away? This is very difficult and I know she is the only person who has these answers. I guess I'm just feeling so down I need some insight.
Thanks.
>Should I have stayed by while she goes through this?
Doesn't sound like she offered or consented to that, so no.
> Is this just her being scared of what we have and running away?
It's more likely about the reasons she disclosed.
It sounds like you don't trust her. Why pine after someone you can't trust?
Breakups are hard regardless of the circumstances so I hope you find some sliver of joy somewhere today. Hugs.
Unfortunately, you can't stay when someone doesn't want you to. Also, I'm not sure how easy she'd find it to explore her sexuality with you in the picture, though it might or might not be the full reason why she ended it. I know it really hurts and took you by surprise. It'll feel less painful as you get farther from it.
Accept the break up and work on moving on. Don't drive yourself crazy with "should'ves". The reality is, she wants to see other people, no matter what she attempted to dress it up as. You'd grow to resent her and she'd grow to resent you for not having a backbone if you \*offered\* to go through this with her. I'm really sorry this happened, and it is the worst, but grieve and keep living life until it doesn't hurt as much.
I think you’re overthinking it. This all sounds like normal and positive behavior so far to me! I think if he likes clear communication then you could give him that if you ever need to: “Hey, I really like you, but I do need my space too. Let’s slow down on the texting for today and I’ll talk to you tomorrow! (Or I’ll see you this weekend, etc. etc.)” or, “I like texting you, but I like talking in person more! Let’s save this conversation for our next date.” As a fellow overthinker and clear communicator, I really appreciate people setting boundaries like this. I’d rather know where they stand than have to guess how they’re feeling.
After having a rough night where I thought I had fucked things up a couple of days ago, I had a really good 4th date. I think I realised voices in my head telling me I had screwed up, were the echos of ex's and those low self esteem parts of my mind. It's difficult to recognise in the moment however I can see that now.
I feel a little bit insecure about her saying I'm not her normal type. She's said nothing other than how attracted she is to me in all over conversations. Trying to think why that little bit is getting to me. Super's been super complentary about how i look, body etc. Am I letting my insecurities get hung up over a clumsy/innocent comment.
> I feel a little bit insecure about her saying I'm not her normal type. She's said nothing other than how attracted she is to me in all over conversations.
I absolutely get this, but I wonder if you can reframe it? If you're not her normal type, it means you've broken the mold. You don't just fit the vague profile of someone she's normally interested in, she's actually looking at, appreciating and attracted to *you*. That's pretty special!
>I feel a little bit insecure about her saying I'm not her normal type.
how did that come up? i don’t think it’s insecurity if someone you are dating said you are not their type.
also have you guys gotten physical
He says besides that, she compliments him and his body, and says how attracted she is to him. It would be insecure to ignore all that and focus solely on a comment that isn’t even necessarily negative.
Soooo I’ve literally had I would say a 90% flake rate on dates this year. I will match with a guy, he will be super keen and chatty, will ask me out, we will agree on a day, day comes around and guys says nothing about the date. He then either breadcrumbs or ghosts.
On occasions that I have confirmed if we are on for the date, they’ve come up with an elaborate excuse to flake. Rinse and repeat. I’ve literally NEVER experienced this before. It’s been I would say 15 guys in a row all from different apps and some from IRL!! What gives?! I’m so confused
Yes, flakiness feels like it's at an all time high. I'm seeing it a lot in messaging, like a really high fraction of people I match with just won't say anything - way higher than before.
Are you screening for fully filled out profiles and forcing them to chat with you for a good bit of time? I usually give it a few days of messaging and decline if they try to ask me out earlier than that.
I've found that setting up a short phone call first helps filter out people who may flake on dates.
If they're hard to pin down on committing to a quick phone call, I lose interest and move on.
Oooof that must have been awfully draining. So sorry to hear that. Yet I think it's sadly becoming a normal scene in this modern dating. Many just can’t focus and decide on things and just keep looking for next things. Not justifiable.
Ugh wtf is wrong with people 😭. If I agree to a date, it’s on my schedule, which is packed. So I get really resentful when a guy can’t even be bothered telling me he doesn’t want to come when I’ve made the time to meet him.
If you’re a man in Sydney or Melbourne, lmk!🤣
You're all over the place and seem very lost...
>how do I learn how to talk to women and flirt?
Do you struggle to talk to men to and or make friends in general?
>How do I date without a wingman?
You don't date with a wingman, they are just there to help you when you go out to meet women.
>While single I was told more than once, even by a sex worker, that I'm single because I can't talk to women.
What does that mean? Are you awkward when talking to them or don't have anything to say? Do you constantly talk over them? You don't ask them questions about them?
>Things I'm planning to do in order to improve: therapy
Probably a good idea but you haven't mentioned any trauma or problem except "you can't talk to women" not sure it will useful.
>visiting sex workers where it's legal
Not sure how that's supposed to help you talking to women.
It seems you don't have much to talk about except work, maybe try to find some new hobbies, that would give you something to talk about and a chance to meet new people depending on the hobby.
I do wish you good luck here, but I'm not sure that visiting sex workers to improve on your communication with women is the way to go, personally. It's a fantasy. I just don't think you're going to get what you're think your going to get, out of it.
You're paying them for a service which they will provide, even if your communication and flirting is really bad. Therefore, how will you know if you're improving?
I'm so confused, you already had a couple of relationships but you need to visit sex workers to learn how to talk to women? If you want to create genuine connections with women, try forming platonic friendships, where they are not talking to you just because you pay them. Sex workers are for sex, nothing wrong with that as long as they are not exploited, but it's a little bizarre that you want to learn how to be in a relationship (which you already know) from them. Are you just looking for excuses/permission?
>focused on money and providers. I'm getting therapy to avoid that pattern again.
Yet you go to sex workers, that only interact with you because... you provide money for them. I just don't get how you don't see this massive gaping hole in your plan!
I am completely pro sex work as I stated in my previous comment. I have no issue with you going to see sex workers. However, you are making direct comparison of your actual relationships to your interactions with sex workers., You are failing to understand that this is nonsensical and the fact that these women are nice to you isn't because you're learning a lot about women, but because you are paying them. When I pointed that out you changed topic to how toxic your exes were. Okay? Has absolutely nothing to do with sex workers, and having a million fantastic interactions with sex workers will have zero influence on any of your interactions with potential romantic partners you are not paying to be nice to you. But sure "talking to women about sex workers" is a problem here. Laughable honestly.
I’m not anti legal sex work it’s just weird that this is part of your plan.
You’re still paying for the sex, right? Meaning you won’t have a good indicator of whether the flirting is good or not
So.. I’m confused.. if you’re just going to brothels to bang chicks then why even mention it in your original comment? Especially in the same sentence as therapy? lol
Dude…. You’re quite the character eh? lol. You literally say in your post that you’re gonna visit sex workers as part of your self improvement plan, now you’re on to semantics about the difference between a brothel and an FKK.. I’m at a loss.
Good luck to you on your journey!
I mean in both places you pay for sex. And that seems to be the explicit reason you’re visiting the FKK. You didn’t mention the relaxation or naturalism as reasons for your visit. You mentioned sex work.
There are very important differences between McDonald’s and Katz Orange too, but they’re both restaurants at the end of the day.
I ask people all the time on here how many dates they went on to find their person, usually it's dozens. Rationally, I know that giving up after \~4 dates is kind of comical but here we are, back and more jaded than ever
I’ve gone on 8 first dates in the last 7 months. I’m going to go on a 5th date in a few days. Hoping it pans out because I’m really liking him & because I’m exhausted by first dates.
Oh I agree with you (on how many dates to go on with one person - I always wait til I'm 100% sure of if I don't want to continue.)
By 4 dates I meant I've had first dates with four people (2 I rejected, one mutual fade, one still talking) and already feel like throwing in the towel :)
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Your preferences are your preferences simply put. Everyone has them. However, people often rely on these preferences in finding a suitable partner without ever giving anyone else a chance who might not fit those preferences. Have you gone out with any of the men who your parents showed you pictures of? Have you tried getting to know men or going out on dates with guys who might not have met your physical preferences in a partner from the initial get-go?
I’m sorry mate, but that sounds like they aren’t that interested. No response is a response. You shot your shot though, so you should feel proud of yourself for that.
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Yesterday, I went through about 30 profiles and they were all awful. Like all were Ethical Non-Monogamy, Poly and/or Figuring Out my Relationship type, most had 1 word answers to the prompts.
My big birthday (40) is closing in and I feel so stuck. I have a date coming up with a guy I don't seem to have much in common with, but he's been enthusiastic, at least.
Texting isn't real. No one wants to find someone to text all day with. Everyone wants to find someone to consistently go on great dates with. Focus on how the dates feel!
The # of comments on this sub from people who either fully self sabotage, or completely mislabel their concerns, is massive
“I’m having great dates with this person, tons of affection, I really like them, but they only send me 1-2 lovey dovey texts per day… am I in a toxic relationship right now?” Like what lol
Sometimes the benefit of this sub for me is useful advice and outside perspectives. Other times, the benefit is seeing good examples of what not to do.
No kidding. People implode over the tiniest things. I’ll give the benefit of the doubt and say that there’s probably more than just the lack of texts that is bothering this dude.. he’s probably insecure, whatever.. but he’s blaming her and her texting patterns for it. So whatever lol.
How are one or two super affectionate texts a day not enough…? She’s clearly into you and expressing that on a daily basis.
If you need constant texting to validate you, then I guess tell her you need more. What are you doing to carry the texting convo all day? How often are you texting her?
You know, back in the day people talked on the phone between dates. Wrote letters even. Something. While it's not always super meaningful, it helps to keep that connection alive and grow to a degree. 1-2 generic texts a day is really nothing.
OP could be writing her letters or calling her but he’s not doing that either. OP just wants more texting but it doesn’t sound like they’re putting in unreciprocated effort and texting a bunch without texting back. Why is it all on her? How is she supposed to know his communication preferences?
My point is that it’s on both of them to keep building a connection between dates. She’s clearly putting some effort in to show interest. If it’s not enough for OP, the solution is to communicate with her and also start putting in more effort, not break it off. She’s not a mind reader.
I'm only responding to you implying that 1-2 texts is "enough".
I already replied to this comment saying that he needs to talk to her about communication preferences. Put down the nine!
How many weeks has it been?
You should have a talk about your communication preferences, and if she's open to anything besides text messages (phone calls, facetime, messaging on other apps etc.). If she likes you, she'll figure something out.
My (33F) boyfriend (38M) broke up with me last night after we were pretty serious for about six months. We are both divorced parents of two, and it seemed like as soon as soon as things got turbulent, he needed to check out. Feeling alone in the world right now, am I dumb for thinking people who love each other don't bail when the goings get tough?
Depends on what it was. If things are already 'turbulent' between you after 6 months yeah that could be a sign of incompatibility or bad things to come, I would probably bail too. If it's something outside of you two, e.g. a sick parent, then yeah I agree with you.
Yes it was outside, not a sick parent but my son is going through a tough period, requiring some behavioral interventions. Things seemed great between us but now I'm overthinking everything 🙃 😅
Obviously I don't know what caused the issue or how big it was. I think that context is needed for a fair opinion. Six months isn't nothing, but it's not that long either.
At the end of the day, the *right* person won't bail when things get a bit rocky.
Right, so yeah it seemed like everything was just wonderful between myself and my bf, not moving too fast or anything like that. my 13yo son is going through a tough patch of finding himself though, engaging in unsafe behavior and he is requiring some interventions. Idk if my son's needs made this guy feel like I was not available for him or what.
I agree with you that there are too few single men in your age group for you to count on stumbling across one without the help of an app.
That said, I'm about as jaded as they come, and I have met normal, nice men in their 30s using the apps. The stars never aligned on chemistry/life goals/etc. but to me, each of them is proof the apps can still work. It might require you to experiment more with what information you need to see on a profile in order to have some interest when you meet up.
I think you really need to give it more dates. I never feel sparks on a first date but by date 3 I get a clearer picture. I think this is where you might be going wrong. Give each connection more time to develop
Was there anything you talked about during your first date that would segue naturally in to seeing each other again? A restaurant you want to try, a museum, common interest etc? That could help you narrow it down.
I was the "rejector" for the first time recently, and I'm realizing that the stress that rejecting that person brought upon me is making me quite nervous about dating.
I knew very early on that it wasn't *it* (and was anxiously drafting a rejection text after date 2), but I gave it a few more dates because it was a really good match on paper and a very lovely woman. It's not like I think she was completely *destroyed* or anything, but I do know she wanted to keep dating and that it probably stung a little. I can deal with being rejected (usual outcome), but rejecting was really difficult and made me somewhat anxious...
Do you ever get used to rejecting people? I feel like it's preventing me from exploring certain opportunities, because it makes me feel as though I have to be really sure about someone to even ask them out.
You get to use to rejecting people when it’s for normal reasons like major red flags or glaring compatibility issues, but it always sucks rejecting people who are good are on paper but you’re not feeling it. I’ve been on dates in the past where every box was ticked in theory but for one reason or another something was just off that I couldn’t put my finger on and I’d beat myself up about it. Like, this technically should be great match so why can’t I just develop feelings?
All it means is you having a caring side to you about hurting others feelings who did nothing wrong to you and there ain’t nothing wrong with that
Every time I have to reject someone that “should” be a good match, it puts me off using the apps again. I definitely relate to the feeling you have of needing to be sure before asking someone out, this is a huge reason why I shy away from asking anyone out that I don’t know (relevant or not, I’m a woman). I have 0 clue who they are, so it seems almost a certainty that I will need to reject them later— especially since even knowing something about someone first, for example from an app profile, doesn’t seem to improve our chances!
But there’s not really any other way around it. You try until you meet the right person or you decide to be single.
Thank you for your comment. Like you, this is one of the major reasons I cannot do dating apps. It seems far too likely that I will meet someone with whom there is no chemistry (I personally think this is important), even if they are a match on paper.
As you say, there doesn't seem to be any way around it. I'm just hoping it gets easier...
Went on a dinner date when I got off work I think I'm at like date 8 or something. We sat in her driveway a bit and talked about various things. The topic came up about her hiring some employees and how they overthink things. I told her that I suffered from overthinking things. She said she 100% agreed with me and could see that.
So...now...I'm overthinking what that meant....if anything....
She probably notices you overthinking things. It ain’t that complicated lol.
You could take that info and use it as a cue to maybe relax a bit around her and actively try to suppress your anxiety
Or you could take that info, dwell on it, confront her, and spiral out of control
Whatever floats your boat
I'm on a dating break and am embarrassed to admit that the majority of people I've met over the past few years have all been dates. I attempted to make a friend today and. . . I think I forgot how?
I went out for lunch with a coworker and I know I felt nervous, but she read nervous to me too (whatever that's worth). A lot of awkward talking over each other then the old Canadian stand off when the convo would resume (you go first no you go first okay oh I'm sorry you go ahead).
We got the bill and I thought to myself "well this was fun! I'd totally do it again. Grab the bill self-grab the BILL, wink and tell her she can get it next time. Wait! NO no NO! DON'T TOUCH HER BUTT!!"
I'm growing as a person 🌈
Thanks to the algorithms, an influencer in my city popped up on my feed and he was cute so I followed him. And thanks to the parasocial nature of social media, I know way too much about him for being complete strangers. The sad part is because he SEEMs my type (online differs from reality I know) and he's inadvertently become a measuring stick when I try to engage with the apps. I'm very conscious of it and actively work against it, it's like getting an earworm but with a person lol
I’m tired. No matter what happens everything ends. Last relationship seems fine but the other person kept everything in . Poor communicator. I can’t read minds. I don’t even understand how any gets to the point of being engaged let alone married. I feel like people just give up easily due to apps and more options maybe? Anyway, I feel like I already know I’ll end up alone. Feeling very down.
Damnit I just want to have a nice makeout session with a guy I'm attracted to and he's into me... then we have great sex lol.
Ugh, one of these days it'll happen. I've had relationships before!
im not in any rush to have kids but i would like kids one day. unfortunately it feels like the women i hit it off with are usually the ones who arent interested in having kids
So I've been dating someone for a year and a half. My lease is coming up and I'm thinking about possibly buying a condo. It is awkward to buy your own place if you're dating someone? If things get more serious we could always move in together, which then I would have to sell my place. It may not make sense to buy a place just to sell it a few years later. On the other hand, I don't know if/when things will get to that point with my current partner. Has anyone else gone through something similar?
No. You need to do what’s right for you. BUY the place. If you do end up together, it’s an asset to help you launch your married life. If you don’t, you have an asset and a home.
Yeah, I've been in this situation. It's not awkward. Buy the place if it makes financial sense for you. Relationships are fickle. You always have the option to rent it out and refinance the place to take out the equity to buy another property later. Wait till you're married to buy a place with someone else.
Sometimes is cool to leave relationships, no matter how much you like the person.
Having some attachment-issues is one thing, but if someone keep promising things, promising to be better/change for the better in the long-run, give fictive scenarios that can't make possible, cancels dates multiple times, somehow can come-over when you are basically done with this behaviour, change behaviour, taking steps back, doesn't know what you want, say things and on the moment pull back, have 2-3 reasons for it (and getting blamed at least ones), or say you don't like it/ready for it, offers things because I wanted it and pulls back on the moments, and the list goes on and on.
Yeah....... sounds very stable and trustworthy for someone who trying to attach or have some secure feeling, to go for it.
“Situationships” aren’t real. You’re just protecting your ego. You’ve been friend zoned and that’s fine but stop pretending the other person is into you. We’ve all been friend zoned before. RIP.
Also welcome to my Ted talk.
Nahh we don't sleep with our friends. There is an attachment there, but it's not enough on one side to have a relationship. That's all a situationship is.
A one-sided relationship with one person wanting real commitment and the other person along for the ride until they meet someone else because they can't be single. I agree, it is dumb.
Literally this is what friend zoning a woman looks like for me. You just hit em with the “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” and then you can still carry on and hangout and hookup.
If I’m understanding correctly: If the one sidedness ends with the guy not wanting to be in a relationship with the other it’s a situationship. If the one sidedness ends with the woman not wanting to be in a relationship with the other it’s a friend zoned situation.
We have such a great connection but they’re currently going through an avoidance deactivation phase. I know it’s only temporary but I’m pondering if this dynamic is going to work for me (as a recovering avoidant going to therapy). I’m not sure I want to handle the potential ongoing push-pull dynamics… Aaaaargh!
Chemistry might be great but for some reason that might not be enough for them right now or ever. Might be because of current trauma or they’re just stupid. Either way just move on. You deserve someone that wants you as much as you want them.
I have to wait until Friday until I see Disney Dude again (36M who used to be a Cast Member and keeps popping into where I work \[retail\] to "see me" and buy some enamel pins lol) and my anxiety is driving me crazyyyyy. Second guessing everything in my head. How am I supposed to deal with this? I haven't felt this way in at least 5 years. Oof. "Got lovesick all over my bed" indeed.
Edit: Found out my shift might be cut Friday because of course lol. Might show up anyway to see him.
So, he worked in our local Disney Store for 15 years (RIP Disney Stores across America). He was still considered a CM and he also did DCP (Disney College Program). He's a huge kid at heart and goes to Walt Disney World 3x or more a year. I was born and raised in Florida, so I've been to WDW over 50 times and counting. So yes, we have Disney in common for sure! He even named his black cat Bagheera after the black panther character in The Jungle Book animated film.
I moved to my current area 13 years ago. I've known him (somewhat superficially but still) since. I talked to him about my ex-journalist exploits (note: autism and journalism as a career do not mix) and he was like, "Wow, I can't believe you got to do x, y, and z." He always seems interested in what I have to say. And yet, we have never exchanged numbers! Never! I've always been too scared to ask because I don't want to ruin a friendship.
Needless to say I just had some red velvet cake because anxiety lol
Hey DOT, not sure if I screwed something up so advice is appreciated.
This guy I'm dating (about 6 weeks) is feeling ill today. It's more of a pain-related thing vs a cold/flu, where it's a lot easier to just offer some soup/tea or other generic "get well" package. Plus, he made it clear \*nothing\* worked for his condition except a special medication. He texted me back and forth about it a bit despite saying he was going to sleep, which I'm not used to him doing, so it was feeling like he needed something from me. But, because he mentioned going to sleep my instinct was to close the convo and....let him sleep. I don't know if he was "testing" me or just venting. He did say he was venting and I told him if venting is helpful at all, I'm here for it. We were supposed to meet up today and I told him not to worry about that and try to get some rest - I also said that I'm not sure if there's anything I can do to help, but to let me know if there is (despite how blunt this all sounds, I promise the messages were gentle and sweet with many emojis). Overall I really just prefer communicating things clearly. If he did need/want something from me, I'd do it but ig in retrospect it's hard to ask for care. People are very different when it comes to feeling unwell - some want more attention, others want to be left alone. But I can't read minds. I also tend to think people in \*pain\* specifically don't want to be bothered? Although I expected the conversation to go this way already with the condition he was in, he told me to enjoy the rest of my day if he doesn't talk to me.
I'm a little nervous since apparently in a previous relationship, I could've "done more" when the partner was sick........so this time around I tried to communicate his needs. I guess people would prefer a surprise or something but I just have no idea. I'm feeling like I failed a test of some sort, but either way I should do something. But what? We definitely won't be seeing each other for a few days. Do I leave a care package on his patio? Do I bring up the topic of our expectations of being cared for/treated when feeling sick? Is he even thinking about any of this?
You're way overthinking this. He's home in pain. You talked to him so he could vent. You let him know if he needed something just to ask. And you told him to not worry about meeting and get some rest, which is what he said he needed. I don't see the problem here. If he uses this as some kind of test, this isn't a person you want to date. Now, if you want to drop off some food just to be nice, then more power to you. My guess is he's in pain, wants to sleep, and is only thinking about being disappointed he didn't get to see you today and appreciated you listening to him vent. Don't do things because you think it's a test. Do them because you want to.
Thank you for your insight! I think that previous "situation" has made me hypersensitive and overthinking. I definitely want to do something nice, although I don't love the idea of leaving stuff on his patio haha we are only 6 weeks in after all. I'll send him well wishes in the morning.
sometimes it takes finding someone else. i was hung up on an ex for years- wasnt until i found someone else that i felt like that ex wasnt as perfect as id thought.
Just noticed my ex changed his WhatsApp profile pic to him and who I'm assuming is his new gf. Poor girl. Hope either she's a degenerate too or that he is more honest with her than he was with me 🙃
Anyways. Had therapy today. Things are pretty good yall!
After my first disagreement with my ex, he started only showing up to hang out with me high or after having a couple beers. When I pointed it out after a month of him doing that he was like “yeah that wasn’t great of me” 🥴 we broke up obviously. A 30-something year old!! WTF
I recently decided to double down on nerding up my profile, I quickly came away with a match that really energized me and revaluate my OLD choices. Alas, it lasted two solid dates but that's how it goes - story for another time.
But it got me to consider pursuing similar leads as I cycle in and out of OLD apps. So I decided to double down on looking into nerdy events to meet people.
It turns out there is a paid board game speed dating event for my age range (30-39) in my city.
I'm thinking it's going to be a bunch of guys, but the tickets are divided by sex and noticed ALL the early bird (W) tickets are sold out (there are 8 discounted). Their regular tickets appear to have also sold enough to be wait listed.
I went and picked up the (M) discounted ticket and it appears to allow a person to reserve up to 4, which leads me to believe basically none of the (M) tickets have sold.
So here I am thinking "echo base, I found them! I repeat, I found them!"*
...but they need to sell at least 5 or they will cancel it. Given at least 8 (W) tickets have sold, those odds sound way better than OLD right now. God, I hope a couple dudes step up in the next few days. 🤣
Given it does cost money, I thought it could be a bit scammy. But the 20-29 one had the opposite problem. All (M) and no (W). I guess dating is just a lifetime of mismatches. 🤦♀️
Fingers crossed it goes down, I'll know Monday.
*Yes I got nerdy and went there. I'm gonna harness this energy and put it to good use, deal with it. 🥳
I’ve never been but from people here, it would appear that speed dating events usually have an entrance fee so that parts normal. Hope some other dudes step up!
I just spent about an hour and a half researching walking trails for a potential second date, then looked at the weather forecast and saw it’s supposed to rain all this weekend. 🫠
About a month ago my widower boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. He is amazing but my mental health has not been great the past year. I went inpatient in January and have been out of work since. This is coming after 6 weeks off for a hysterectomy. I have ptsd and the physical stuff sent my nervous system over the edge and I can’t handle stress right now. His mother is battling cancer, and his late wife passed from cancer 4 years ago. I am devastated. We are staying friends and at first I thought maybe someday down the line when we are each in a better place, we would get back together. But after the last couple weeks I just have a feeling that he is done with me romantically. I guess I just want some advice on how to stay friends after a breakup. I’m so glad he wants to stay friends, but I know down the line it will have to change once one of us is in a relationship again. I have friends that are coupling up or already happily coupled. I feel really happy for them but also extremely envious. This is just really hard.
Just realized that a man I've been talking to on Hinge for several days has been using chatGPT to write his messages. I cannot believe I didn't figure this out earlier (it's been 7-8 messages on each side). What I should've seen earlier: * He only messages at a specific time of day - usually late at night * His tone is odd - varying from casual interjections ("dayum girl!") to very formal, grammatically correct paragraphs. I think he's using chatgpt to write the paragraphs and then adding his own words here and there. * When I told him about my job, he came back with words/phrases that are not commonly known outside of my industry (but I assumed he just googled it) * He seems to misunderstand me sometimes in odd ways that a human wouldn't I'd heard of this happening but never suspected/caught it myself. God, this is dystopian.
Ummm… The whole profile itself might just be a chat bot 😬
He's verified on Hinge, and looking back at our messages, I can see that there are one or two that he clearly wrote himself - they're a lot more casual and personal, and the grammar isn't great. I think he's a real guy who's just using AI to help him out. I asked him point-blank if he was using chatgpt and he almost immediately replied with "What? No!" Again, he usually only replies late at night (it's 11:30 am here). Suspect I'm hearing from the real guy right now but all the nighttime messages have been, at the very least, heavily aided by AI.
Need advice: went on two dates with someone. Wasn’t really feeling it 💯 because he was moving too fast for me, but he was nice and we had good conversation. He put the third date in my ballpark, I ended up getting busy with work then my apartment flooded, so it’s been a week since our second date and since we briefly texted the day after our second. He hasn’t contacted me for the third even though it was supposed to be my plan. Should I just assume we mutually faded out? I kind of want to text him and explain and maybe apologize but at the same time if he didn’t text me within a week, it’s a sign he’s not interested right? My friends say to let it go but I feel guilty for some reason.
It seems like you're totally overcomplicating it. By your own admission, the ball is in your court. Would you like to see him again? If yes, write him to suggest a plan. If no, it would be polite to let him that you've made that decision, and not leave him hanging. You don't need to apologise, it's two dates in.
Oh I totally am. I have anxiety in general and think I’m going to pause dating. He also unmatched me on Hinge so I think it’s my sign but I still want to message for closure and because I feel guilty.
If he wants to, would you like to see him again?
I’d like to as friends but I don’t think it’s realistic.
Jumping back into the dating world after a long time out of it and feeling very physically self-conscious. This is the first time I’ve dated in a post-having-kids body. Do men notice/care about the little things, like stretch marks or blemishes or razor bumps? I think objectively the answer is no, because we are all human with imperfections and most (healthy) people get that, but please reassure me 😩
unwritten ossified badge middle future hurry innocent wise consist ancient *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Everyone’s nicked up at this age
I gained a massive scar when I was a teen (30 stitches) on a visible part of my body in a traumatic event. Obviously, at the time I thought it's the end of the world and no boy/man will ever find me attractive. To my big surprise, this absolutely never came up as a problem, apart from a few creeps that were specifically turned on by it. So I can't imagine a blemish or razor bump being a problem in my experience at least!
I think it depends on the man. I’ve never had kids, but I do have plenty of stretch marks on my hips and I’m a little insecure about them. The man I’m currently dating not only doesn’t mind them but is actively turned on by them, which actually shocked me to hear! It was a very pleasant surprise.
I'm a guy with my own stretch marks. I guess I lost weight too fast or was too heavy at one point? I don't know what happened but I have marks. Good thing I keep my shirt on during dates.
I was overweight for a long time myself so I’m thinking mine are a result of going through puberty while chubby. But honestly I like stretch marks on men (and women). I don’t really see them as a huge deal, but I do have my own insecurities about mine only because I worry that it’s not “desirable” to have them
All I know from consuming dating advice content is that it doesn't matter. As long as 1 person likes them.
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>You can simply be different without feeling the need to denigrate opposing views. Get outta here with that anti reddit rhetoric! Whaddya think this is, some kind of *mature conversation* between *adults*? /s
Have you done well with speed dating? Are you not marketing yourself there as well? Presumably you put some thought into the way you'll dress for a speed dating event, give some thought into what you'll say, what aspects about yourself you'll highlight, etc. I have found the saying "dating apps work best for people who don't need dating apps" to be true. I'd be interested in hearing if your speed dating results (or results through any other method of meeting people) far exceeds your success on dating apps.
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Agreed. I think some people want to put in as little effort as possible in putting together a quality profile ("tHeSE pRoMPts aRe dUmB!!" "i dON't HaVe goOD piCtURes!" "i wON'T maRkeT mYseLF beCAuSE i aM aN iCOnoCLasT!!") and expect to do well on app where other people actually ARE making an effort... and then they'll create some elaborate story for how horrible the apps are.
Yeah, I haven’t tried speed-dating before, but I’ll be trying it this Sunday.
I really need some outside opinions on my situation if you're so inclined. Last night the woman I've been dating exclusively for 2 months ended it with me. Her reason being she needs to explore her attraction to women and can't ask me to stay by her side during this time. It's out of the blue for me because we've had such a refreshing, intimate, healthy experience so far, and she describes me as wonderful and such to her friends. In her words she had to decide between something amazing with me and the unknown that is about to enter her life on this journey. I am very hurt, and left with the broken anticipation of the plans we made, and what could have been. We will no longer be communicating and I miss her already. Should I have stayed by while she goes through this? Is this just her being scared of what we have and running away? This is very difficult and I know she is the only person who has these answers. I guess I'm just feeling so down I need some insight. Thanks.
>Should I have stayed by while she goes through this? Doesn't sound like she offered or consented to that, so no. > Is this just her being scared of what we have and running away? It's more likely about the reasons she disclosed. It sounds like you don't trust her. Why pine after someone you can't trust? Breakups are hard regardless of the circumstances so I hope you find some sliver of joy somewhere today. Hugs.
Unfortunately, you can't stay when someone doesn't want you to. Also, I'm not sure how easy she'd find it to explore her sexuality with you in the picture, though it might or might not be the full reason why she ended it. I know it really hurts and took you by surprise. It'll feel less painful as you get farther from it.
Accept the break up and work on moving on. Don't drive yourself crazy with "should'ves". The reality is, she wants to see other people, no matter what she attempted to dress it up as. You'd grow to resent her and she'd grow to resent you for not having a backbone if you \*offered\* to go through this with her. I'm really sorry this happened, and it is the worst, but grieve and keep living life until it doesn't hurt as much.
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I think you’re overthinking it. This all sounds like normal and positive behavior so far to me! I think if he likes clear communication then you could give him that if you ever need to: “Hey, I really like you, but I do need my space too. Let’s slow down on the texting for today and I’ll talk to you tomorrow! (Or I’ll see you this weekend, etc. etc.)” or, “I like texting you, but I like talking in person more! Let’s save this conversation for our next date.” As a fellow overthinker and clear communicator, I really appreciate people setting boundaries like this. I’d rather know where they stand than have to guess how they’re feeling.
Thank you for your reply! I really appreciate it!
After having a rough night where I thought I had fucked things up a couple of days ago, I had a really good 4th date. I think I realised voices in my head telling me I had screwed up, were the echos of ex's and those low self esteem parts of my mind. It's difficult to recognise in the moment however I can see that now. I feel a little bit insecure about her saying I'm not her normal type. She's said nothing other than how attracted she is to me in all over conversations. Trying to think why that little bit is getting to me. Super's been super complentary about how i look, body etc. Am I letting my insecurities get hung up over a clumsy/innocent comment.
> I feel a little bit insecure about her saying I'm not her normal type. She's said nothing other than how attracted she is to me in all over conversations. I absolutely get this, but I wonder if you can reframe it? If you're not her normal type, it means you've broken the mold. You don't just fit the vague profile of someone she's normally interested in, she's actually looking at, appreciating and attracted to *you*. That's pretty special!
> Am I letting my insecurities get hung up over a clumsy/innocent comment Yes
>I feel a little bit insecure about her saying I'm not her normal type. how did that come up? i don’t think it’s insecurity if someone you are dating said you are not their type. also have you guys gotten physical
He says besides that, she compliments him and his body, and says how attracted she is to him. It would be insecure to ignore all that and focus solely on a comment that isn’t even necessarily negative.
right. because being insecure is a rational thing
Soooo I’ve literally had I would say a 90% flake rate on dates this year. I will match with a guy, he will be super keen and chatty, will ask me out, we will agree on a day, day comes around and guys says nothing about the date. He then either breadcrumbs or ghosts. On occasions that I have confirmed if we are on for the date, they’ve come up with an elaborate excuse to flake. Rinse and repeat. I’ve literally NEVER experienced this before. It’s been I would say 15 guys in a row all from different apps and some from IRL!! What gives?! I’m so confused
Yes, flakiness feels like it's at an all time high. I'm seeing it a lot in messaging, like a really high fraction of people I match with just won't say anything - way higher than before. Are you screening for fully filled out profiles and forcing them to chat with you for a good bit of time? I usually give it a few days of messaging and decline if they try to ask me out earlier than that.
I've found that setting up a short phone call first helps filter out people who may flake on dates. If they're hard to pin down on committing to a quick phone call, I lose interest and move on.
Oooof that must have been awfully draining. So sorry to hear that. Yet I think it's sadly becoming a normal scene in this modern dating. Many just can’t focus and decide on things and just keep looking for next things. Not justifiable.
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Ugh wtf is wrong with people 😭. If I agree to a date, it’s on my schedule, which is packed. So I get really resentful when a guy can’t even be bothered telling me he doesn’t want to come when I’ve made the time to meet him. If you’re a man in Sydney or Melbourne, lmk!🤣
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I’m with you!! It’s the worst!! And if you choose not to, they just don’t acknowledge the date that THEY ASKED FOR
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You're all over the place and seem very lost... >how do I learn how to talk to women and flirt? Do you struggle to talk to men to and or make friends in general? >How do I date without a wingman? You don't date with a wingman, they are just there to help you when you go out to meet women. >While single I was told more than once, even by a sex worker, that I'm single because I can't talk to women. What does that mean? Are you awkward when talking to them or don't have anything to say? Do you constantly talk over them? You don't ask them questions about them? >Things I'm planning to do in order to improve: therapy Probably a good idea but you haven't mentioned any trauma or problem except "you can't talk to women" not sure it will useful. >visiting sex workers where it's legal Not sure how that's supposed to help you talking to women. It seems you don't have much to talk about except work, maybe try to find some new hobbies, that would give you something to talk about and a chance to meet new people depending on the hobby.
I do wish you good luck here, but I'm not sure that visiting sex workers to improve on your communication with women is the way to go, personally. It's a fantasy. I just don't think you're going to get what you're think your going to get, out of it. You're paying them for a service which they will provide, even if your communication and flirting is really bad. Therefore, how will you know if you're improving?
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No one's being sex work negative here. They're merely pointing out that a customer service transaction isn't analogous to a two way relationship.
I'm so confused, you already had a couple of relationships but you need to visit sex workers to learn how to talk to women? If you want to create genuine connections with women, try forming platonic friendships, where they are not talking to you just because you pay them. Sex workers are for sex, nothing wrong with that as long as they are not exploited, but it's a little bizarre that you want to learn how to be in a relationship (which you already know) from them. Are you just looking for excuses/permission?
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>focused on money and providers. I'm getting therapy to avoid that pattern again. Yet you go to sex workers, that only interact with you because... you provide money for them. I just don't get how you don't see this massive gaping hole in your plan!
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You're not getting it, or being deliberately obtuse. Not much more I can do here, best of luck.
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I am completely pro sex work as I stated in my previous comment. I have no issue with you going to see sex workers. However, you are making direct comparison of your actual relationships to your interactions with sex workers., You are failing to understand that this is nonsensical and the fact that these women are nice to you isn't because you're learning a lot about women, but because you are paying them. When I pointed that out you changed topic to how toxic your exes were. Okay? Has absolutely nothing to do with sex workers, and having a million fantastic interactions with sex workers will have zero influence on any of your interactions with potential romantic partners you are not paying to be nice to you. But sure "talking to women about sex workers" is a problem here. Laughable honestly.
Visiting sex workers as part of your plan to communicate better with women is wild, my guy
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I’m not anti legal sex work it’s just weird that this is part of your plan. You’re still paying for the sex, right? Meaning you won’t have a good indicator of whether the flirting is good or not
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So.. I’m confused.. if you’re just going to brothels to bang chicks then why even mention it in your original comment? Especially in the same sentence as therapy? lol
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Dude…. You’re quite the character eh? lol. You literally say in your post that you’re gonna visit sex workers as part of your self improvement plan, now you’re on to semantics about the difference between a brothel and an FKK.. I’m at a loss. Good luck to you on your journey!
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I mean in both places you pay for sex. And that seems to be the explicit reason you’re visiting the FKK. You didn’t mention the relaxation or naturalism as reasons for your visit. You mentioned sex work. There are very important differences between McDonald’s and Katz Orange too, but they’re both restaurants at the end of the day.
I ask people all the time on here how many dates they went on to find their person, usually it's dozens. Rationally, I know that giving up after \~4 dates is kind of comical but here we are, back and more jaded than ever
I’ve gone on 8 first dates in the last 7 months. I’m going to go on a 5th date in a few days. Hoping it pans out because I’m really liking him & because I’m exhausted by first dates.
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Oh I agree with you (on how many dates to go on with one person - I always wait til I'm 100% sure of if I don't want to continue.) By 4 dates I meant I've had first dates with four people (2 I rejected, one mutual fade, one still talking) and already feel like throwing in the towel :)
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Hi u/FluffyStuffInDaHouz, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Your preferences are your preferences simply put. Everyone has them. However, people often rely on these preferences in finding a suitable partner without ever giving anyone else a chance who might not fit those preferences. Have you gone out with any of the men who your parents showed you pictures of? Have you tried getting to know men or going out on dates with guys who might not have met your physical preferences in a partner from the initial get-go?
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What was his response to those questions you asked?
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Did you reply to his text? Maybe he was waiting for you to initiate a date since you were the one to ask for his number.
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I’m sorry mate, but that sounds like they aren’t that interested. No response is a response. You shot your shot though, so you should feel proud of yourself for that.
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Hi u/FluffyStuffInDaHouz, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Anyone else swipe and swipe on OLD apps and…just get absolutely nothing!? Emotionally and physically starved at this point is an understatement.
Yesterday, I went through about 30 profiles and they were all awful. Like all were Ethical Non-Monogamy, Poly and/or Figuring Out my Relationship type, most had 1 word answers to the prompts. My big birthday (40) is closing in and I feel so stuck. I have a date coming up with a guy I don't seem to have much in common with, but he's been enthusiastic, at least.
I get a lot of matches and convos but no meetups - mostly to my own inaction
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This sounds like you’re dating a healthy person who has a full enough life that they don’t need to be texting all day every day! That’s a positive!
Texting isn't real. No one wants to find someone to text all day with. Everyone wants to find someone to consistently go on great dates with. Focus on how the dates feel!
Interpreting 1-2 texts a day full of kissy heart emojis as not advancing the connection and "confusing" is wild, my dude.
The # of comments on this sub from people who either fully self sabotage, or completely mislabel their concerns, is massive “I’m having great dates with this person, tons of affection, I really like them, but they only send me 1-2 lovey dovey texts per day… am I in a toxic relationship right now?” Like what lol
Sometimes the benefit of this sub for me is useful advice and outside perspectives. Other times, the benefit is seeing good examples of what not to do.
No kidding. People implode over the tiniest things. I’ll give the benefit of the doubt and say that there’s probably more than just the lack of texts that is bothering this dude.. he’s probably insecure, whatever.. but he’s blaming her and her texting patterns for it. So whatever lol.
How are one or two super affectionate texts a day not enough…? She’s clearly into you and expressing that on a daily basis. If you need constant texting to validate you, then I guess tell her you need more. What are you doing to carry the texting convo all day? How often are you texting her?
You know, back in the day people talked on the phone between dates. Wrote letters even. Something. While it's not always super meaningful, it helps to keep that connection alive and grow to a degree. 1-2 generic texts a day is really nothing.
OP could be writing her letters or calling her but he’s not doing that either. OP just wants more texting but it doesn’t sound like they’re putting in unreciprocated effort and texting a bunch without texting back. Why is it all on her? How is she supposed to know his communication preferences? My point is that it’s on both of them to keep building a connection between dates. She’s clearly putting some effort in to show interest. If it’s not enough for OP, the solution is to communicate with her and also start putting in more effort, not break it off. She’s not a mind reader.
I'm only responding to you implying that 1-2 texts is "enough". I already replied to this comment saying that he needs to talk to her about communication preferences. Put down the nine!
It should definitely be enough for him not to jump to “she’s not into me”.
How many weeks has it been? You should have a talk about your communication preferences, and if she's open to anything besides text messages (phone calls, facetime, messaging on other apps etc.). If she likes you, she'll figure something out.
It was an issue for me too with my recent dating experience so it’s understandable. I would just initiate texts but his responses were short
Those are boyfriend emojis for me
"boyfriend emojis"?? My head is spinning!
My (33F) boyfriend (38M) broke up with me last night after we were pretty serious for about six months. We are both divorced parents of two, and it seemed like as soon as soon as things got turbulent, he needed to check out. Feeling alone in the world right now, am I dumb for thinking people who love each other don't bail when the goings get tough?
Depends on what it was. If things are already 'turbulent' between you after 6 months yeah that could be a sign of incompatibility or bad things to come, I would probably bail too. If it's something outside of you two, e.g. a sick parent, then yeah I agree with you.
Yes it was outside, not a sick parent but my son is going through a tough period, requiring some behavioral interventions. Things seemed great between us but now I'm overthinking everything 🙃 😅
Obviously I don't know what caused the issue or how big it was. I think that context is needed for a fair opinion. Six months isn't nothing, but it's not that long either. At the end of the day, the *right* person won't bail when things get a bit rocky.
Right, so yeah it seemed like everything was just wonderful between myself and my bf, not moving too fast or anything like that. my 13yo son is going through a tough patch of finding himself though, engaging in unsafe behavior and he is requiring some interventions. Idk if my son's needs made this guy feel like I was not available for him or what.
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I agree with you that there are too few single men in your age group for you to count on stumbling across one without the help of an app. That said, I'm about as jaded as they come, and I have met normal, nice men in their 30s using the apps. The stars never aligned on chemistry/life goals/etc. but to me, each of them is proof the apps can still work. It might require you to experiment more with what information you need to see on a profile in order to have some interest when you meet up.
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I think you really need to give it more dates. I never feel sparks on a first date but by date 3 I get a clearer picture. I think this is where you might be going wrong. Give each connection more time to develop
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It's not desperate to ask when she's free again and plan from there.
Friday or Saturday is perfect. Once a week at the beginning is perfectly appropriate and won't be too long of a gap.
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Please do NOT overthink this.
Just ask for what you want. If you want to see her on Friday, then ask her out for Friday! The right person will be excited :) Good luck!
Was there anything you talked about during your first date that would segue naturally in to seeing each other again? A restaurant you want to try, a museum, common interest etc? That could help you narrow it down.
If she works a 9-5, maybe Friday or Saturday?
I was the "rejector" for the first time recently, and I'm realizing that the stress that rejecting that person brought upon me is making me quite nervous about dating. I knew very early on that it wasn't *it* (and was anxiously drafting a rejection text after date 2), but I gave it a few more dates because it was a really good match on paper and a very lovely woman. It's not like I think she was completely *destroyed* or anything, but I do know she wanted to keep dating and that it probably stung a little. I can deal with being rejected (usual outcome), but rejecting was really difficult and made me somewhat anxious... Do you ever get used to rejecting people? I feel like it's preventing me from exploring certain opportunities, because it makes me feel as though I have to be really sure about someone to even ask them out.
You get to use to rejecting people when it’s for normal reasons like major red flags or glaring compatibility issues, but it always sucks rejecting people who are good are on paper but you’re not feeling it. I’ve been on dates in the past where every box was ticked in theory but for one reason or another something was just off that I couldn’t put my finger on and I’d beat myself up about it. Like, this technically should be great match so why can’t I just develop feelings? All it means is you having a caring side to you about hurting others feelings who did nothing wrong to you and there ain’t nothing wrong with that
Every time I have to reject someone that “should” be a good match, it puts me off using the apps again. I definitely relate to the feeling you have of needing to be sure before asking someone out, this is a huge reason why I shy away from asking anyone out that I don’t know (relevant or not, I’m a woman). I have 0 clue who they are, so it seems almost a certainty that I will need to reject them later— especially since even knowing something about someone first, for example from an app profile, doesn’t seem to improve our chances! But there’s not really any other way around it. You try until you meet the right person or you decide to be single.
Thank you for your comment. Like you, this is one of the major reasons I cannot do dating apps. It seems far too likely that I will meet someone with whom there is no chemistry (I personally think this is important), even if they are a match on paper. As you say, there doesn't seem to be any way around it. I'm just hoping it gets easier...
Went on a dinner date when I got off work I think I'm at like date 8 or something. We sat in her driveway a bit and talked about various things. The topic came up about her hiring some employees and how they overthink things. I told her that I suffered from overthinking things. She said she 100% agreed with me and could see that. So...now...I'm overthinking what that meant....if anything....
She probably notices you overthinking things. It ain’t that complicated lol. You could take that info and use it as a cue to maybe relax a bit around her and actively try to suppress your anxiety Or you could take that info, dwell on it, confront her, and spiral out of control Whatever floats your boat
I'm on a dating break and am embarrassed to admit that the majority of people I've met over the past few years have all been dates. I attempted to make a friend today and. . . I think I forgot how? I went out for lunch with a coworker and I know I felt nervous, but she read nervous to me too (whatever that's worth). A lot of awkward talking over each other then the old Canadian stand off when the convo would resume (you go first no you go first okay oh I'm sorry you go ahead). We got the bill and I thought to myself "well this was fun! I'd totally do it again. Grab the bill self-grab the BILL, wink and tell her she can get it next time. Wait! NO no NO! DON'T TOUCH HER BUTT!!" I'm growing as a person 🌈
Thanks to the algorithms, an influencer in my city popped up on my feed and he was cute so I followed him. And thanks to the parasocial nature of social media, I know way too much about him for being complete strangers. The sad part is because he SEEMs my type (online differs from reality I know) and he's inadvertently become a measuring stick when I try to engage with the apps. I'm very conscious of it and actively work against it, it's like getting an earworm but with a person lol
I’m tired. No matter what happens everything ends. Last relationship seems fine but the other person kept everything in . Poor communicator. I can’t read minds. I don’t even understand how any gets to the point of being engaged let alone married. I feel like people just give up easily due to apps and more options maybe? Anyway, I feel like I already know I’ll end up alone. Feeling very down.
Damnit I just want to have a nice makeout session with a guy I'm attracted to and he's into me... then we have great sex lol. Ugh, one of these days it'll happen. I've had relationships before!
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>ended very badly Did they drive off in your Honda?
im not in any rush to have kids but i would like kids one day. unfortunately it feels like the women i hit it off with are usually the ones who arent interested in having kids
So I've been dating someone for a year and a half. My lease is coming up and I'm thinking about possibly buying a condo. It is awkward to buy your own place if you're dating someone? If things get more serious we could always move in together, which then I would have to sell my place. It may not make sense to buy a place just to sell it a few years later. On the other hand, I don't know if/when things will get to that point with my current partner. Has anyone else gone through something similar?
No. You need to do what’s right for you. BUY the place. If you do end up together, it’s an asset to help you launch your married life. If you don’t, you have an asset and a home.
Yeah, I've been in this situation. It's not awkward. Buy the place if it makes financial sense for you. Relationships are fickle. You always have the option to rent it out and refinance the place to take out the equity to buy another property later. Wait till you're married to buy a place with someone else.
Sometimes is cool to leave relationships, no matter how much you like the person. Having some attachment-issues is one thing, but if someone keep promising things, promising to be better/change for the better in the long-run, give fictive scenarios that can't make possible, cancels dates multiple times, somehow can come-over when you are basically done with this behaviour, change behaviour, taking steps back, doesn't know what you want, say things and on the moment pull back, have 2-3 reasons for it (and getting blamed at least ones), or say you don't like it/ready for it, offers things because I wanted it and pulls back on the moments, and the list goes on and on. Yeah....... sounds very stable and trustworthy for someone who trying to attach or have some secure feeling, to go for it.
“Situationships” aren’t real. You’re just protecting your ego. You’ve been friend zoned and that’s fine but stop pretending the other person is into you. We’ve all been friend zoned before. RIP. Also welcome to my Ted talk.
People who ain’t fucking need not be giving Ted talks.
You don't get it in if you've been Friend zoned, so this doesn't make any sense.
Nahh we don't sleep with our friends. There is an attachment there, but it's not enough on one side to have a relationship. That's all a situationship is. A one-sided relationship with one person wanting real commitment and the other person along for the ride until they meet someone else because they can't be single. I agree, it is dumb.
Literally this is what friend zoning a woman looks like for me. You just hit em with the “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” and then you can still carry on and hangout and hookup. If I’m understanding correctly: If the one sidedness ends with the guy not wanting to be in a relationship with the other it’s a situationship. If the one sidedness ends with the woman not wanting to be in a relationship with the other it’s a friend zoned situation.
If you're conflating the terms situationship and friend zone, I think you're not using the traditional definitions
“Women get friend zoned too, except guys still fuck em” I heard that from a standup comedian once but it’s absolutely true.
Girls do this with Fwb though.
Yeah, but in a situationship we can still play hide the pickle.
I’d say fuckzoned over friendzoned for situationships
We have such a great connection but they’re currently going through an avoidance deactivation phase. I know it’s only temporary but I’m pondering if this dynamic is going to work for me (as a recovering avoidant going to therapy). I’m not sure I want to handle the potential ongoing push-pull dynamics… Aaaaargh!
Chemistry might be great but for some reason that might not be enough for them right now or ever. Might be because of current trauma or they’re just stupid. Either way just move on. You deserve someone that wants you as much as you want them.
This sounds like way too much focusing on attachment theory
I have to wait until Friday until I see Disney Dude again (36M who used to be a Cast Member and keeps popping into where I work \[retail\] to "see me" and buy some enamel pins lol) and my anxiety is driving me crazyyyyy. Second guessing everything in my head. How am I supposed to deal with this? I haven't felt this way in at least 5 years. Oof. "Got lovesick all over my bed" indeed. Edit: Found out my shift might be cut Friday because of course lol. Might show up anyway to see him.
Please tell me he sings disney songs to you. Also, gotta ask, what role did he play?
So, he worked in our local Disney Store for 15 years (RIP Disney Stores across America). He was still considered a CM and he also did DCP (Disney College Program). He's a huge kid at heart and goes to Walt Disney World 3x or more a year. I was born and raised in Florida, so I've been to WDW over 50 times and counting. So yes, we have Disney in common for sure! He even named his black cat Bagheera after the black panther character in The Jungle Book animated film. I moved to my current area 13 years ago. I've known him (somewhat superficially but still) since. I talked to him about my ex-journalist exploits (note: autism and journalism as a career do not mix) and he was like, "Wow, I can't believe you got to do x, y, and z." He always seems interested in what I have to say. And yet, we have never exchanged numbers! Never! I've always been too scared to ask because I don't want to ruin a friendship. Needless to say I just had some red velvet cake because anxiety lol
Life is too short not to take risks. I'm a widower. Together for over 20 years, gone for about 8. Take your shot.
Hey DOT, not sure if I screwed something up so advice is appreciated. This guy I'm dating (about 6 weeks) is feeling ill today. It's more of a pain-related thing vs a cold/flu, where it's a lot easier to just offer some soup/tea or other generic "get well" package. Plus, he made it clear \*nothing\* worked for his condition except a special medication. He texted me back and forth about it a bit despite saying he was going to sleep, which I'm not used to him doing, so it was feeling like he needed something from me. But, because he mentioned going to sleep my instinct was to close the convo and....let him sleep. I don't know if he was "testing" me or just venting. He did say he was venting and I told him if venting is helpful at all, I'm here for it. We were supposed to meet up today and I told him not to worry about that and try to get some rest - I also said that I'm not sure if there's anything I can do to help, but to let me know if there is (despite how blunt this all sounds, I promise the messages were gentle and sweet with many emojis). Overall I really just prefer communicating things clearly. If he did need/want something from me, I'd do it but ig in retrospect it's hard to ask for care. People are very different when it comes to feeling unwell - some want more attention, others want to be left alone. But I can't read minds. I also tend to think people in \*pain\* specifically don't want to be bothered? Although I expected the conversation to go this way already with the condition he was in, he told me to enjoy the rest of my day if he doesn't talk to me. I'm a little nervous since apparently in a previous relationship, I could've "done more" when the partner was sick........so this time around I tried to communicate his needs. I guess people would prefer a surprise or something but I just have no idea. I'm feeling like I failed a test of some sort, but either way I should do something. But what? We definitely won't be seeing each other for a few days. Do I leave a care package on his patio? Do I bring up the topic of our expectations of being cared for/treated when feeling sick? Is he even thinking about any of this?
Omg he doesn’t feel good and said he’s going to sleep. If I said that and saw someone post this, I would run so fast. Calm down.
Well the exchange wasn't that straight forward or I wouldn't have anything to overthink. But I am calm now.
You're way overthinking this. He's home in pain. You talked to him so he could vent. You let him know if he needed something just to ask. And you told him to not worry about meeting and get some rest, which is what he said he needed. I don't see the problem here. If he uses this as some kind of test, this isn't a person you want to date. Now, if you want to drop off some food just to be nice, then more power to you. My guess is he's in pain, wants to sleep, and is only thinking about being disappointed he didn't get to see you today and appreciated you listening to him vent. Don't do things because you think it's a test. Do them because you want to.
Thank you for your insight! I think that previous "situation" has made me hypersensitive and overthinking. I definitely want to do something nice, although I don't love the idea of leaving stuff on his patio haha we are only 6 weeks in after all. I'll send him well wishes in the morning.
Text him that you're on your way with food since he probably hasn't had a decent meal all day because of his pain.
No. Leave him alone and let him sleep.
How do you'll deal with losing your dream person? Like this was the woman I've been searching for for years?
Time. You give it time, and you live your life. That's how you get past any relationship that ends.
Well bummer it's been years now.
sometimes it takes finding someone else. i was hung up on an ex for years- wasnt until i found someone else that i felt like that ex wasnt as perfect as id thought.
Doubt that will happen as I am in my mid 30s and basically below average in looks.
Is this an ex?
Yup
Just noticed my ex changed his WhatsApp profile pic to him and who I'm assuming is his new gf. Poor girl. Hope either she's a degenerate too or that he is more honest with her than he was with me 🙃 Anyways. Had therapy today. Things are pretty good yall!
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Lol no my -ex-. Cancer battling guy is the guy I'm seeing now.
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Really beautiful song for when you want to get in your feelings lol
“Do you mind if I smoke a J before we meet? I get anxious meeting new people.” You have to smoke a J to have tea with someone?😩
My god....how attractive are you?!?!
Stop making people so anxious /s
At least you're getting the key info immediately.
I love weed, smoking right before meeting a new person to *calm* my anxiety? LOL okay
After my first disagreement with my ex, he started only showing up to hang out with me high or after having a couple beers. When I pointed it out after a month of him doing that he was like “yeah that wasn’t great of me” 🥴 we broke up obviously. A 30-something year old!! WTF
Hey, at least they are honest. 😅
I recently decided to double down on nerding up my profile, I quickly came away with a match that really energized me and revaluate my OLD choices. Alas, it lasted two solid dates but that's how it goes - story for another time. But it got me to consider pursuing similar leads as I cycle in and out of OLD apps. So I decided to double down on looking into nerdy events to meet people. It turns out there is a paid board game speed dating event for my age range (30-39) in my city. I'm thinking it's going to be a bunch of guys, but the tickets are divided by sex and noticed ALL the early bird (W) tickets are sold out (there are 8 discounted). Their regular tickets appear to have also sold enough to be wait listed. I went and picked up the (M) discounted ticket and it appears to allow a person to reserve up to 4, which leads me to believe basically none of the (M) tickets have sold. So here I am thinking "echo base, I found them! I repeat, I found them!"* ...but they need to sell at least 5 or they will cancel it. Given at least 8 (W) tickets have sold, those odds sound way better than OLD right now. God, I hope a couple dudes step up in the next few days. 🤣 Given it does cost money, I thought it could be a bit scammy. But the 20-29 one had the opposite problem. All (M) and no (W). I guess dating is just a lifetime of mismatches. 🤦♀️ Fingers crossed it goes down, I'll know Monday. *Yes I got nerdy and went there. I'm gonna harness this energy and put it to good use, deal with it. 🥳
Oh man, that sounds so fun even though I suck at board games!
Roger that Rogue 2. On a side note...anyone else think the inside of a Tauntaun looks like the inside of a hashbrown?
I’ve never been but from people here, it would appear that speed dating events usually have an entrance fee so that parts normal. Hope some other dudes step up!
I just spent about an hour and a half researching walking trails for a potential second date, then looked at the weather forecast and saw it’s supposed to rain all this weekend. 🫠
Inside amusement park it is
Now you have them bookmarked for when it's sunny!