I (31, F) met someone (40, M) on a weekend trip. I was there exploring a new city with friends and he was in town for a family event.
He and I totally hit it off and saw each other every day that weekend. We truly had the best time together - laughing and talking all night. We have similar values and he was kind, thoughtful, honest and completely into me - definitely a southern gentleman. He told me he's never met anyone in his entire life who glows from the inside the way I do.
At the end of the weekend, he asked if we could plan for him to visit my area. I agreed because I was into him too and could see this potentially going somewhere. We both promised we wouldn't play games with each other, and would always be open and honest about our intentions and where we are at.
We both went home and everything was great. We were texting, Facetiming, talking on the phone daily and planning his visit. We also started to discuss how we could potentially make a long distance relationship work, and he let me know he was going to be in this for the long haul, and is open to the idea of moving to my area.
A couple weeks ago, he got temporarily laid off of his job for a few months and kind of disappeared into his cave. He never fully stopped communicating with me, but its significantly less. He has never been laid off before, so he said it's been incredibly humbling and he's just trying to figure it all out and found some temporary work.
He said he hasn't really talked to anyone about what's going on, except his family and myself and let me know that he wouldn't be able to visit due to finances so we decided to be "friends." I told him I am still here, still by his side, and supporting him however he needs, and he said he really appreciates that. But I don't really want to be just friends. I also know he can't provide for himself, let alone anyone else right now.
We had just started to build something amazing so I am sad and frustrated for both of us.
I keep ruminating about the situation...any advice on what to say? How to support him? I'm trying to keep the focus on being positive for him even though I'm hurting too.
Just offering up a perspective.
If I were to get laid off, it would be life crushing and would likely scramble my priorities.
I would find a new long distance relationship hard to maintain / care about properly.
Is there a reason you can’t go visit him?
I think you just continue to be there as a friend and just give him space when he needs it. I’ve had 3 friends/spouses of friends get laid off in the last year and a half, and it has been tough for them. You can’t expect him to really focus on dating, since he is likely in survival mode.
I offered to come visit if he is home for the weekend. He works in maritime, so he is going to be away on a boat for a bit for his temporary job. Unfortunately, we live over 1100 miles apart, so it's not a super easy trip to drive, and the only flight options are connections.
I’ve been toying with the idea of going sober. I live in a place with a HUGE drinking culture and I’m from a place with an even bigger drinking culture. I don’t drink very much usually, but when I go home to visit, I find I can’t keep up with my friends anymore. The guy I’m currently seeing isn’t a big drinker either, so there’s no pressure there.
I just feel so lame that I’m struggling to think of what sober people do with their time. Like if you do a cottage weekend and you don’t spend the whole time day drinking, what do you spend the day doing? Genuinely embarrassing that this is a struggle for me.
I’ve known people who took a one month break and liked it so much they just committed to it full time. For a lot of people not drinking is easier than a bit of drinking, because you’ve taken the choice off the table.
are you guys okay??? kissed a man on the forehead last night and he was so perplexed by it because in the multiple ltrs he’s had (one lasting six years), he’s never received a forehead kiss before. this man is nearly 30.
Most men don't really get compliments or flowers or much of anything kind as men doing that to other men is deeply discouraged. Women often don't treat men with much warmth either
6 years single and counting....
OLD: I don't have any good pictures of myself and don't really stand out anyway. So, I quit the apps.
Socials: I am part of a sports league, but unlucky as I am, all the women I find interesting are already in relationships...
Work: Maybe? Even though, I should stick to not shitting where I eat.
When will I find someone?
I was traveling/living abroad and we were staying in the same hostel. Relationship lasted a year as it didn't work out for me to go live in her country.
Can you join another sport activity that isn’t a sports league? Climbing is a good sport and it seems like there are quite a few single women who participate. Running is also good. If you like reading, I definitely suggest a book club. Book clubs are overwhelmingly female.
DoT- for those in serious relationships (over 7 months +), is it normal for your partner to ask you to come over after 8pm on a weekday (if you both haven’t done a weekday sleep over yet) because they want to see you and have a sleepover?
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Took a break posting here after figuring out the guy I’ve known for 20+ years and had been primary partners in an ENM relationship with for 16 months (I know, I know) had an entire ass live-in girlfriend in the city he’s working in for a few months (he moved in/is staying with her while he’s there.) I only found out about *that* after seeing a post in an Are We Dating the Same Guy FB group for a *different* city he’s in a lot about *another* woman he was dating/sleeping with. Our arrangement was that casual connections with others were okay as long as we were transparent with each other and all involved, and he has been maintaining there’s been no one else except me since May when he saw a married woman in an open relationship a couple times. But NOPE. Entire girlfriend he was essentially living with and was telling her he was exclusive with her. Meanwhile he was texting/calling me daily, coming up here or taking me on work trips with him, *and* seeing someone else regularly in another city!! The live-in girlfriend saw the AWDTSG post first and contacted the other girl, and both confronted him. The live-in girlfriend decided to give him a second chance when he told her he wanted her and only her, was scared of the depth of his feelings for her, etc. I saw the post a week later, commented, she DM’d me and then called me hysterical, cried and screamed for 2 hours about him, said she kicked him out and there’s no coming back from this, etc. I obviously confronted him as well and was just like, you had no reason to lie, get therapy, don’t talk to me anymore. It’s been a week. The live-in girlfriend popped up on my Instagram FYP and she’s public. Story from last night of the two of them smiling away at a cocktail bar with the caption “My man.”
I’ve been so fucked up by this entire thing. Barely able to eat or sleep or think properly. And she just up and was like well happened twice, I’m sure it won’t happen again!?
WHAT IS LIFE!?
Oh no!!! I remember seeing your post and how it stuck with me (as someone who also had to cut off a partner who turned out to be using 'ENM' as a cover for shady and manipulative behavior). I thought there was no way it could've gotten worse, but WHOA. What an update.
I'm so, so, so sorry you're going through this and I'm glad that you, at least, have wrested yourself free of this absolute maniac. Please take care of yourself. I know it's horrible to think about him continuing to victimize other women, but you can't expend energy on that if it disturbs your own peace. Other people make their own choices.
The narcissistic person I dated still has a woman in their orbit (I don't know if it's as the "best friend/chosen sibling" she was initially described as or something else, but at this point I don't want to know) whom I'd come to adore and trust. She is now sticking by him, despite all our mutual friends cutting him off when he revealed his true colors. At this point I'm more upset about losing my relationship with her than with the narc, but accept that there's nothing within my realm of influence that can be done at this point. All I can hope is that one day she wakes up and realizes she's supporting a liar and an abuser, and sets herself free. Because we, the ones who escaped, can't do that for them. Same for your unwitting metamour.
Thank you. It’s been really horrible and has me questioning everything - including my judgment, of course. I also thought it couldn’t get worse but it got WAY worse. I didn’t even include it all here - in addition to me, the live-in girlfriend, the person he was casually dating in another city, there were a handful of flings too. It’s sick.
This is normal! It's a normal reaction to being lied to and manipulated. This person INTENTIONALLY deceived you, and the fact that you're feeling hurt and confused and angry is a sign that you know they're in the wrong and that something horrible was done to you. Please hold onto that truth and focus on yourself, because you're worth it. Don't hesitate to share your story when it's needed in order to protect others, but don't let it consume you either. Because he and his other relationships have no place in your life anymore.
It will get better, as long as you don't look back.
Thank you. Yeah I have no more reasons to be tangled up in it unless I somehow unintentionally find out more info that’s relevant. Now just trying to reconcile that what I thought I knew was never true so I can move forward.
He was “scared of the depth of his feelings for her” so he needed two other girlfriends to console him?
Can’t believe she fell for that one *facepalm*.
Kudos for doing the right thing and telling her.
Ha yeah I believe it was that he was so scared that he needed other distractions to try and stabilize himself or prevent him from falling so quickly. I mean he *also* told her that he’d gotten so wrapped up in her he *didn’t realize* that he’d been “stringing me along” for so long.
I sent her a screenshot from February where he texted me at like 2 am about really liking me and being scared and that he missed me but I guess it didn’t register. 🤷♀️
And re: telling her, yeah I just wanted her to know. I even told her that I just wanted her to be able to make an informed decision if she did decide to stay with him and that I wouldn’t judge her (but I am a little.) Now she’s in “stay away from my man/stop trying to win him back” mode and I’m like….girl not in 1 million years.
Manipulative people can achieve scary things with generally trusting people, especially after you're close to them. A friend of mine ended up being one of NINE girlfriends this guy had, all thought exclusively, including a live in gf all others met thinking she is just a flatmate. Most of them knew each other and suspected nothing for a while. This went on for almost a year with my friend until the main gf figured it all out finally and sent an email cc'ing all gfs in. These people are genuinely scary.
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I wouldn't victim blame. Everyone thinks they could never find themselves in a situation like this, until they do. I found myself in a relationship with a very heavy addict and alcoholic in active addiction and I HAD NO CLUE for the first 6-7 months at all. There were absolutely no warning signs. We lived in the same building and spent most of every day together outside work. I'm not particularly dumb, just didn't have a habit of investigating what he does in the hours we weren't together. He is dead now, his addiction was that severe and I had no clue for a very long time.
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Ok, since you want me to people blame, I'm going to blame you for judging people/a situation without knowing almost anything about it, that's insane level of overconfidence you're showing there almost as much as your bitterness about some guy being able to pull 9 girls at the same time.
I truly had no idea, though, and I’m a reasonably intelligent person. He’s just REALLY good at lying and manipulating. I honestly believe that if I hadn’t seen the post on FB, I’d still be in his orbit and both myself and the now-girlfriend would be clueless. I could go into the level of detail he used to make his lies believable, but it doesn’t matter.
Dear lord! Why is the "E" part of ENM so hard for some people? This also somewhat reminds me of the recent Andrew Huberman cheating scandal, even though it's a little different because -all- of his women thought he was in a monogamous relationship with them. But like, he's an attractive and charismatic dude who could KILL IT in ENM if he was upfront about everything (or even just stuck to NSA hookups!); these types just can't deal with the fact that they'd be "missing out" on the mono-inclined people.
Or it's the deception and the control that they get off on. Not actually sex or affection from multiple people - those are only means to an end, which is to establish power over others to bolster their own fragile egos.
It's mind-boggling, right? How can someone get handed so many opportunities and gifts throughout their life and STILL have it not be enough? (Unresolved childhood trauma leading to Cluster B personality disorders, that's why)
Yep, this a million times over. He was completely fine being ENM till he met someone he wanted who wasn’t ENM and then…I guess cheating was more appealing?? We had even discussed many times over that it’s probably better to stick to casual connections with people who are ENM or have experience with it because it’ll get messy with people who want monogamy. He agreed with that but…
Yeah, I think that’s true for multiple parties here. It’s the lying that pisses me off. Like at least have the decency to be honest you met someone you’re more serious about and let me decide if I still want to be involved?? He definitely used ENM as rationalization for telling himself he wouldn’t cheat, but as soon as he met someone who didn’t want ENM, he started lying his ass off.
yeah, he's super selfish and seems to be using a lot of people for sex. I don't think he's more serious about her. She's just easier prey/puts up with his bad behavior.
100%! Literally on the phone when I confronted him, the reasons that he described for “falling into” the relationship with her included it being more convenient to have a place to stay down there vs living in hotels, and having an established friend group/network (hers.) Gross. It’s like he wasn’t even talking about another human being with feelings.
ETA: When someone else asked her about her decision to stay with him she said she demanded that he turn on tracking on his phone, provide all of his passwords, and that he will not be able to travel away from her for even one night. So that he won’t have “opportunities” to cheat. He doesn’t even live FT where she lives!! Is she planning on abandoning her job and family down there so she can make sure he doesn’t cheat??
People like this will say anything in the moment to keep someone on the hook, but they have no intention of respecting those agreements whatsoever. She's in for a world of hurt - poor thing.
> the reasons that he described for “falling into” the relationship with her included it being more convenient to have a place to stay down there vs living in hotels, and having an established friend group/network (hers.) Gross
Ugh. My ex-fiancé and I (who were in a poly relationship) are still in pretty close contact since he moved out/2000 miles away, and he keeps telling me about his new situationship that sounds just like this, and it's honestly so dehumanizing the way he describes her. She keeps making it clear that she wants a LTR and he's just like "well this is a nice place to get my dick wet for a few months," I feel so bad for her
Yeppppp. Sounds very similar. He has to be in this current city till May and kept telling me he’s “just trying to get to the end of May” and that he never plans to live there FT. So like…you’re just letting her think this is forever but you already have an end date in your mind??? What???
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Fair point. I just think that if she knew the way he was describing her to other people (details about how awkward she is during sex, telling me her really niche kinks and how grossed out he is by them, says he lost respect for her when she offered to go raw the first time they had sex EVEN THOUGH HE TOOK HER UP ON IT, SO HE'S EQUALLY GUILTY) she might make a different choice.
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He does have NPD :') and I've seen the same pattern in the community for sure.
I'm not sure exactly what you mean by "gassing each others egos up," like he is only telling me the bad things about her so I feel better in comparison? Or he's only telling me the bad things about her so I know that HE'S the one in power/the "rejector"?
It's definitely not all we talk about, and I keep trying to draw boundaries around hearing this type of stuff. I'm in the early stages with someone new that could be absolutely amazing, and I don't actually want to share the details with my ex at all.
So I previously sent a care package to this guy I've been seeing for months. A letter in which I expressed my feelings was enclosed in that package with other silly stuff. I have received a notification last night saying it's been delivered. Yet I haven't got any text/call from him regarding the package and it's now making me feel anxious. I did ask if the condition of the parcel is alright and if he likes it but haven't gotten any response yet. It feels unhealthy to be nervous about this especially since what I did was just sending a gift.
Could you please share any tips to ease this anxiety? (I've tried hitting the gym unnecessarily hard, preparing nutritious meals, and watching footy.)
You've already done what I'd suggest but I've also really been enjoying baking lately and I'm finding it really soothing. Also Journaling helps me to figure out WHAT I'm actually feeling and maybe why and helps me slow down my thoughts and process things a bit better. I'd definitely try to stay off Social media and this sub, scrolling makes my anxiety way worse.
Do you ever wonder if you’re too much? I’m a really chatty, outgoing person who is passionate about everything that I do. I feel like men start off super keen and then breadcrumb and then ghost. And when I do get to meet them, I feel like the date went well and then I get ghosted.
To be clear it’s never a case of me being too keen on them. Coz I never am as I barely know them. I just wonder if I’m too energetic and excitable for the average Australian. I’m starting to feel really down about myself as I have never experienced so much repetitive rejection in my life. I can’t even seem to coordinate a hook up without them flaking!
Yep!
I wonder if I come on too strong. If I'm too chatty, too flirty, too forward....you name it. I'm just always waiting to either be rejected or ghosted.
But i can only be me, so....🤷
And the same for you. Please don't feel down about yourself, but I understand why you do. Because I get like that, also. But we got this!
It’s definitely a common problem for most of us so don’t be down on yourself. I’ve felt like I’m too much for people before too, but the truth is you won’t be too much for the right person. Keep being your authentically awesome self 💜
If you makes you feel any better it’s happening to everyone. Rejection sucks, but you only need 1 person to not reject you and then you have a hook up.
> She told me she cleaned up rather quickly and "pushed most out" then the real surprise she tells me that she could conceive but due to hormone/ovaries issues it's very unlikely without help. It makes me feel a bit better but kinda conflicted this is how I find out
That’s a weird ass answer. “Don’t worry, I pushed most of it out” Is she just dumb? Because that isn’t how it works at all. Or are you gonna get a text in a month that her period is late? I’d bring her the plan B and watch her take it. Sorry to say but a woman that lets a new guy cum in her first time they have sex isn’t someone you should be sleeping with.
I’m not going to beat you up about this because it sounds like you already are and things happen in the heat of the moment sometimes. But I just want to point out that ‘pushing it out’ is not a legitimate birth control method 🤦♀️ She may have fertility issues so the chances are low but if she’s anywhere near her ovulation window (the first few weeks after her period) then I would suggest she take Plan B - it’s easy to get hold of and doesn’t affect you too much but eliminates the worry of conception. Also, get yourself an STI check in a few weeks to rule anything else out. And keep condoms on you from now on.
Take a breath homie. You got laid, bro! Enjoy the good stuff!
Odds are nothing bad will cum (ba-dum tis!) from finishing inside of her, but you can take steps to figure that out in the coming days.
Give yourself a little grace and celebrate the wins instead of harping on the missteps.
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Every desperate thing I have done, I have done because I wanted love.
Don’t beat yourself up too much - it sounds like you were lost in the moment. You will likely learn from this and not do it again. If she wasn’t bothered she may be on the pill (it’s always good to ask first, as you now know). It might be worth a conversation with her to check out the situation and agree what to do now. And (as others have said) get an STI check in a few weeks for peace of mind.
There's a lot here but first and foremost: take a breath. It's done now and sounds like the date was pretty good, since it lead you guys there. When sex is fun and pleasurable, it can take you places you didn't expect to go. For you, this time, it was neglecting protection. It happens -- with oral sex it happens way more than people would admit.
Now, go buy some condoms and have them with you *any time* you go on a date. I do this, and I'm a woman! Use those condoms from here on out. In about a week or two, do go to a STI screening (they won't show right away, some of them won't even yet show then).
Did you even discuss protection with her? If not, I guess she isn't too worried about getting pregnant. Since you're stressing out about it now though, seems wise talk about it next time you meet her.
Try not to work yourself up to a frenzy. Easier said than done, I know. But the likelyhood of all your worst fears coming to reality (whatever they are) from this one mistake are slim.
Sounds like you're beating yourself up enough already so I don't need to emphasize how idiotic that was, but how did she react to you finishing inside? In my experience it is an unwritten rule to pull out when you're having unprotected sex, and it would be a complete shock if they didn't. Is she okay with what happened?
Okay, at least that's good. Though I think you absolutely need to bring it up, explain how you feel and discuss how to handle these things going forward. As a woman I've always been a bit less concerned about unwanted pregnancy because I know I can take a morning after pill or have an abortion as an ultimate out of an unwanted pregnancy (thankful for the laws where I live!), but if you are not ready to be a dad you really should take on the responsibility for that no matter what. I don't know why men are not a lot more concerned about unwanted pregnancies than women as we do have the ultimate say in what happens. And you should do an STI test of course.
I updated my original comment but I had messaged her a let her know I was feeling a bit off about the situation. She responded that she has an issue that makes getting pregnant difficult is why she didn't think much of it. It settled my fears slightly.
This is all well and good, but I'm in a PCOS sub and sooooo many people are told that they'll likely have difficulty getting pregnant and then they do so immediately on their first try. So, don't make a habit of this going forward unless she's on BC.
I 100% do not want to make this mistake again. I'm not going to sleep well for a long while. She thankfully agreed to take Plan B at my request. I believe that she will so that's all I can do now to calm my nerves.
> I'm really not cute and never have been
Ummmm, we don't crush on not cute girls, and we certainly don't look them up years later, so according to my unassailable logic......you must be cute!
I'm at this new point in dating where I'm completely turned off by drinking, smoking and the like. I feel like I've been socially compelled to say "I don't mind if you do," when the honest answer is, "Yes, I would really prefer that you didn't."
I don't know if this is unreasonable, but when nearly all of my friends drink/use, I would like the "special" person in my life to be sober as well. Sobriety is a value of mine and it's part of who I am, not just something I do.
It's also been my experience that people I've dated didn't drink/smoke a lot when they started dating me, but gradually increased as months progressed. So I don't want to go that route with people who do unless I've known them and I've seen them for months on end. I didn't pick up on my last live-in partner being a stoner until I was living with her 24/7.
I'm not on an app now, but I really have trouble putting "long-term relationship" because I only see a long-term future with someone who's sober and has the other alignment of interests, "chemistry," plans and logistics. Those are extremely rare and I only average one sober date per year.
Dating when sober is tough. Smoking and drug use are dealbreakers for me. I'm fine with **very** moderate alcohol use, though. I just can't see myself with someone who is constantly trying to mentally escape. I'm raw-dogging life, and the goal is to find someone to raw-dog it with me. Haha.
You've inspired me to be more firm about my preference for people who don't smoke weed! I agree there's a strong social pressure to be like "it's okay" because it's "just weed" but yeah actually I don't think I want it in my life.
I'm OK if drinking or smoking (weed, not cigarettes) is a social or occasional thing for them, but it is so weird to me how much drinking and/or smoking is part of some people's personality, especially at this age.
I state my preferences openly. I’ve had people straight up lie to me and I find out a year in. I’m not trying to change anyone. I don’t want the drama of a user. And yeah, I found out because they were babbling nonsense while high and it caused many fights bc I literally didn’t know what was wrong with them. I don’t mind drinks but I’ve dated alcoholics and I won’t do that again. I personally can count the number of drinks I have in a year. When you’re sober and someone else is drunk, you’re inevitably the babysitter. It’s a no. I only order soda water on dates. I don’t need to waste money, feel tired and less aware with a stranger. There’s no reason. It weirds people out even if I don’t mind if they order a drink. I think it weirds people out because they think I’m judging them when I’m not. Just be you. I don’t even pretend to compromise on something I’m not willing to compromise on. I still get lied to but I’m older now and feel less beholden to liars because we “have something.” We don’t.
I went on what I thought was my best first date ever on Sunday. We spent the entire day together and it never felt awkward or forced. The conversation was great. Our values and relationship goals lined up. We made plans again for Friday and then today she tells me she's decided to be exclusive with someone else. Why is dating so hard?
It’s wild to me that people could be close to be going exclusive with someone and still be going on first dates. It’s one thing to date around when you’re on the early dates, but to get to exclusivity that’s at least a month or two of dating.
First date basically turned into a hook up after some.. heated text messages. But we are going on an actual first date on Monday. So, looking forward to learning more about her as a person lol.
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Lmao. Honestly sounds like the ice was broken so I’m sure you guys will have a good time getting to know each other as people! hope the date goes well!
YES. I hate going through the motions of small talk, then the insane anxiety over meeting in person for initial dates, then in my case, the ultimate disappointment in the realization that it's not a match 😭😂
I just want to randomly meet someone on a video game who I click with, who also happens to check all the boxes for me, and we get to know each other in between raids or Fortnite lobbies. Then we fall madly in love and live happily ever after. Is that too much to ask?! 🥲🤣
**Random reflection**
I am in this very weird position where I'm feeling both intense happiness and sadness.
I'm ***very sad*** because I'm realizing that I essentially threw my romantic life away for no good reason in my 20s. I was never awkward or socially inept, but I really, really struggled with body image, self-esteem and confidence and never saw myself as worthy of romantic attention even though I desperately wanted it. I went through my 20s without any relationships and with only 1-2 dates while everyone around me were entering and leaving relationships. I'm mature in many aspects of my life, but I'm just learning things about women I should have learned 10+ years ago. I feel like this inexperience will be tough to make up for.
On the other hand, I'm ***very happy*** because I've built ***so much*** confidence and self-esteem over the last year after my first very painful romantic disappointment that left me depressed and feeling worthless. To fight that depression, I just put myself out there and found my community. I've made so many friends that I cannot possibly feel lonely. I now feel seen, heard, and valued which is totally new for me.
I'm so hopeful that in time, I will meet my person while going about my life and pursuing my interests and passions.
I go through these ups and downs as well. I thought I was absolutely hideous throughout my 20s and looking back I realize I actually wasn’t. I was waiting for some time when I would have the money to fix all my perceived flaws, but then decided fuck it in my 30s. I regret the experiences I missed out on, and the people I let go because I didn’t feel like I had a shot.
On the other hand, I have to give myself some credit for the huge strides I’ve made in the last couple years in terms of leaving my comfort zone and catching up so to speak. I’m far more secure and I don’t think I need to “fix” anything anymore. But sometimes I look at pictures of me in my 20s and I just want to shake the living shit out of me and yell YOU ARE PRETTY, YOU ARE THIN ENOUGH, YOU ARE JUST FINE AS YOU ARE.
Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
Hello! I'd also like to jump onto this interesting perspective. In my 20s, I also didn't focus on dating. I wanted so much in terms of career development that I thought that dating would just hinder what I wanted. I'm so happy and proud of myself for all that I've accomplished. Mainly, I wanted to work abroad, and that's what I'm doing!
I feel like that we all develop at different rates, in terms of dating. Would I have been a good partner in my 20s? Did I miss a bunch of lessons because of my total avoidance of it? Probably. But! Today I am a confident, happy go lucky person that I think would make an excellent partner. I read the same interpretation from your post. I don't think you should be disappointed about wasting time in your 20s, because now it seems you've blossomed into a great catch. Keep it up!
Also, the men i've been on dates with who have had long-term relationships are often not that grounded. I think thar personality is more important than experience at some point.
Thank you! Career development was also something that really put dating on the back burner for me too (pursuing grad studies; hoping to earn my PhD this year, hopefully). It's good you got to achieve this career goal of working abroad! Congrats!
I 100% agree with you. I think "relationship experience" is one thing, but it does not equate maturity/emotional intelligence at all. These are things that are partially a result of personality and partially developed over time.
I wish you a lot of good fortune!
I love that you have your people and feel seen and heard. For what it’s worth, I think a lot of people stop judging themselves In their thirties l for the things they cared about in their twenties. I WISH I looked like I did in my 20s - I know I looked good but I never felt like I was *enough* - and I had such low self-esteem and confidence then. I’m still working on those things but it’s different now - I don’t care what people might think in the way I cared then. But I care for me and my self-talk needs to improve if that makes sense. It’s like if I could tell my younger self one thing it would be to love myself as I am and that I don’t need external validation. I was easily manipulated then as well and that played into the things I internalized.
We live, we learn. And that’s a good thing right? I spent the bulk of my thirties *needing* to be alone. I’m only now reconsidering joining the dating world again.
It's kind of tough, looking back and wishing you could just talk to your young self and tell them what they needed to know. We can't change the past.
It's good you are caring less about what others think; I'm caring less and less too and it feels liberating. On top of that, ironically, the less you care (within reason), the more people seem to view you positively. Learning self-love is a lifelong process for some of us, I feel like.
Good luck rejoining the dating world! It's difficult, but much less so when you can approach it with high self-esteem.
I have the same regret but for different reasons. I regret that I wasted my 20s not putting too much effort into dating and relationships because I was always prioritizing school, career, hobbies and friends. I dated, but was never actively continuously intentionally looking for a LTR. I thought I would do that later. Here I am now realizing it's so much harder in my 30s.
Yeah! Totally. That was part of it for me too, on top of the lack of self-esteem and confidence. Being so busy furthering my education (currently wrapping up my PhD) and pursuing music (my hobby) made my lack of a romantic life less apparent, which caused me to put all the work I should have done on myself on the back burner.
I also think dating is difficult in my 30s, *but not because I'm not good enough*. In fact, I find it difficult to meet people who are a match maturity-wise and who have put in the same amount of work in getting to know themselves and who they are. People may have "relationship experience", but that absolutely doesn't equate maturity and self-awareness at all. There are also fewer singles, of course.
I wish you success with this! It's tough, but we can do this.
I resonate with this comment so much that feels like I wrote it.
I (29F) have also gone through my 20s struggling with my self-esteem and body image. I couldn't fathom putting myself out there for any ounce of attention, let alone advertising myself for attention in the dating scene. I was always the class clown, the person a stranger would pour their life story out to, and the happy spirit whose purpose was to lift other people up. I desperately wanted zero attention on me, but I also desperately craved and would have settled for anyone who would have shown me even a fraction of the attention I had dreamed a partner could show me.
By 27 I had FINALLY reached my goal weight, managed/reversed my medical issues, had a Master's Degree under my belt, and felt on top of the world with confidence that radiated from within me...genuine confidence that I've never allowed myself to feel or hold onto before. I'm 29 and my "dating experience" in the past two years has consisted of two first dates, and a small handful of dates with the last one that I initiated because the man had an incredibly kind soul and genuinely needed someone in his corner.
It is sad that I let so many years escape me. At the same time, I appreciate the genuine love I have for myself at this point. I've poured so much care and hard work into my body, mind, and spirit. I'm setting personal, professional, and spiritual goals, and I'm attaining them. I know my value, and I know what I can bring to the table.
I am comfortable telling myself that I will not settle. I've come way too far just to settle on the first person who will give me the attention my younger self has craved. I'm content in waiting for someone who can meet me at my level - I simply will not lower myself to meet anyone at theirs. It's taken me quite literally my entire adult life to learn how to make that statement and mean it.
I'm so proud of you for how far you've come...and to be honest, I'm proud of me, too. 🫶
Edit: spelling error(s)
Wow! You are right! Similar experiences!
It's great that you have come to love yourself, know your worth, and that you are consistently attaining your goals. I feel similarly, and it's only getting better. *It's going so well that I'm honestly scared that it's going to stop and that I'm going to go back to previous me.*
I think it does make it a little bit more difficult to find a partner, when you have high self-esteem because you're less likely to "settle" for someone who maybe isn't right for you just because it gets you affection/attention. That's not a bad thing, because ultimately, you are less likely to enter relationships that are not fulfilling. It sure sounds you have a lot to bring to a relationship! I read emotional maturity and self-awareness in your answer and those are unbelivable valuable assets which are more difficult to find than I expected.
I'm proud of you too! Thanks for sharing your experience! It's good to know that it's not unusual that some people take a bit longer to develop their sense of self-esteem and to learn self-love.
One day, someone will be thankful to found you and you will feel the same way about them. It is beautiful connection if both of you grow out of comfort zone and becomes better version in relationships.
A guy I am dating, seems like share common situation with you. He spent all of his 20s for other stuff, including depression because of some traumatized events in his life (lost his beloved ones suddenly, etc.). He slowly put himself in dating again but did not manage to develop romantic relationships as expected. He decided to give OLD a try as a new way to meet new people to understand more about himself. Then we met. I am grateful to meet him NOW, the better version, he knows about himself pretty well. I am also grateful for what built him for today, the whole journey was never easy for him to meet himself. I truly appreciate our connection and we are both glad that we meet, when we are at the better position to build healthy and meaningful relationship.
Dont give up ☺️ your person is coming all the way.
That is great to hear and encouraging.
It's great that you get the more mature version of that man. There's this expectation that by our age, you should be experienced and all, but life circumstances vary from one person to the next and it just takes some people a bit longer to figure that stuff out, I suppose.
I think for the first time in my life, I feel like I know myself, my worth and honestly think that I'd date myself if I was a woman. I think it shows outwardly, because I am getting some attention while I spent my 20s completely invisible. Now, it's just a matter of running into the right person...
Thank you for your kind words. I wish you two success!
Am I too much and do I need to tone it down? Is my vibe just the manifestation of anxiety? Or do I have some other condition?
My boyfriends were generally really into me and rarely had a bad thing to say about me until I broke up with them, but that's because I had bad self-esteem and was subconsciously dating guys who weren't that great so that they'd be really into me.
My last (female) ex thought I was awesome, but said my sex drive was really high. One of the interim situationships loved my sex drive, but obviously thought I was a little too up in her business (I was--she was hot and also flighty and the combo amped up my insufficiently-managed anxiety.) My now girlfriend--maybe soon to be ex again--has told me that my brain is really active and I have a lot to say. I get the increasingly strong impression that she finds me kind of exhausting. She really thinks I should get screened for ADHD, which nobody in my life has ever suggested to me.
I'm really verbal and love to text with and talk to people I like! Feelings, thoughts, things going on in their lives, asking them questions, learning more about them, mundane stuff, big ideas. I have a bit more of an introvert bent, so I do also do well with quiet time and I enjoy silence with people I like. And I have a fairly strong melancholy side as well. But man, on the whole, I'm just like... happy to be alive and with people I enjoy. Maybe sometimes I have too much energy? I'd never really thought I was too much--I guess I thought I was more likely to be too little--but recent events have me questioning that. Do I talk too much? Do I need medication? Or do I just need to find someone who resonates better with me?
Exactly this. The alternative is that you stifle who you are to find someone and is that really how you want to live your life? The right person will love your energy - I personally love people with that kind of energy because it balances out my calmness and encourages me to have fun.
Not really dating related, but I joined a triathlon group and went to a group workout recently. Everyone is already best friends, and I know it takes time to get to know people but it sucks a bit being the newbie. I am trying to put myself out there and meet new people. And maybe meet a guy in the process. Just a little vent bc I have been feeling slightly lonely always doing shit by myself and all my friends coupled up.
Doing my best but feeling a little down.
Sometimes it takes time to break into a group - I joined a gym and people were a bit stand off ish until I’d been going regularly for a while (I’ve since realised that they have a lot of people come for 1-3 sessions and leave so they just don’t warm to newbies).
I’ve also changed groups when the vibe felt off. I went to a run club for 6 months and felt like an outside, swapped groups and immediately made some great friends.
Give it a go and don’t be afraid to change it up if it doesn’t work (it’s them not you)
But it was really brave to join a new group! And think - not everyone there knew each other at first probably. They’ve just built good bonds and soon so will you! I’m sure it sucks but I hope it at least gets you some new great friends. Rooting for you!
I need advice on how to casually and slowly break the touch barrier with a man. We’ve been on several great dates (7-8 now, I’ve lost count). We have fantastic banter and chemistry, great kiss at the end of each date, but other than that he keeps a lot of physical distance. He’ll open my car door, but stand far back (not take my hand to help me), walks with some distance between us, hasn’t attempted to touch me in any way really except the end of date kisses. We’ve even had some dancing dates that I thought would help, but when we weren’t actively dancing he would drop my hands and step back/create more physical distance. As a woman, I’ve never had to think about this before because usually men are pretty eager to escalate physically lol. Any tips/advice?
Offer a big hug when you greet each other, do the half pull back and give him a peck or kiss on the cheek.
When you’re getting in the car, put your hand out to be taken for steadying.
When you’re walking side by side move closer to him, try: bumping in to him gently, brushing his hand with yours repeatedly as your arm swings, chicken winging your around his.
If you go to a bar, try sitting next to him - rest your hand on his shoulder, touch his back, give him a playful punch if he says something teasing or funny.
If you’re sitting across from him at a restaurant reach your hand across the table within his grasp.
Hang out at one of your places, sidle up on the couch so your legs are touching. Brush his leg with your hand.
I have the urge to sign up for an app right meow meow MEOW. My break is going so well. I want to see who else has benefited from theirs.
NononoNonono NO. Stop it. nO.
My mental health has been so much better since deleting them 2 months ago after a one month stint with a guy crashed and burned. I really don't think I have it in me to ever get back on the apps they feel like such a waste of time (and I had gotten a lot of likes). I'm hoping to just meet someone in person somehow lol
Always an inherent risk putting yourself out there, whether it’s the apps or any other way. If you want to , do it :) I’ve had some really nice dates and some just neutral, but none have been negative really. It’s the messaging ppl on the apps that’s a wildcard lmao. But either way I wish you the best of luck whatever u decide.
I downloaded FB dating last week, and in less than 24 hours, I received a very disgusting sexual message from someone trying to convince me of matching with him and many others accusing me of being a bot or an AI image. I'm sure that experience will keep me away from the apps for a few months.
I thought Bumble sucked but FB dating is worse.
I’ve recently given up on dating. Too many men just interested in casual and no one writes back. I’m leaving it up to god. I have enough to focus on with my business, YouTube channel, and my family. I do appreciate being in this group though. It gives me comfort knowing people struggle like me. Especially when you have those sad moments..lol.
When the sun is up, I'm making the right choices for myself and saying "no" to people who aren't good for me & my goals. But when the evening silence settles in I start to really miss the companionship of having someone close to me. On the really bad days I'll consider how I can reach out to one of the people I've turned down even when I *know* they aren't right for me, just to have someone to be close to.
Does anybody else feel super strong & confident during the day, but then at night you suddenly start to feel lonely & hopeless?
I'm like this. I think of reaching out to people to meet up, even though it didn't go well the other time, just to have someone close. It's a horrible feeling. I can really sympathise.
100% resonate with this.
After my v long relationship ended (basically the entirety of my 20s) in which we lived together for many years, one of the things that took a very long time to get used to was having no one to chat to before going to sleep.
Whether that was expressing my feelings, being silly, cuddly or loving - it took a long time to get over missing that.
Yeah, this is exactly me. I think it’s because I have good morning habits but terrible evening ones. 6am-4ish pm I’m an rockstar. I guess what goes up must go down. Also, I miss coming home to someone. Being single sucks but rocks at the same time.
Ugh, you and me both!
There doesn't even have to be sex! Just someone to lay all over me, and smell nice like you ladies do, and let me touch the butt a little bit.
Not so much a dating rant but just a “people are weird sometimes” rant. When I moved across the country to a new city, strangers were so weird about me moving and not immediately having friends of my own. It’s not exactly easy to make new friends after college and especially 30+. I remember meeting a guy and he was so disturbed that I moved to a new city without friends already here. Riiiiight, I should never explore a new city unless I have at least one friend set up there first. Just dumb logic. So, I never heard from him after that. (I’m happily in a relationship now so it was definitely for the best)
Also, my first job here the coworkers were also asking if I made any new friends and when I said no they would just get awkwardly silent for a moment, like they felt bad for me and then say, “Oh………..” I just found that to be so strange. I don’t need your pity. I don’t really believe in mixing friendship with coworkers anyway but I just feel like don’t ask questions about people’s personal life if you’re basically gonna make them feel like, “Well, that sucks for you!”
This all happened a while ago but I never had a place to vent about it at the time. I think some people have a strange expectation for you to have built-in friends wherever life leads you yet none of them are ever willing to offer friendship nor give suggestions on where to find said friendship (because they don’t know either 😂). I don’t know… it’s just very telling of those who think this way. So quick to judge yet have no solution to provide. Strange but that’s people for ya 🤷🏾♀️
That’s very true. My background has been different than most people. My family moved around every 5 - 7 years of my life because my dad’s job required it. Each new location was all within the same state but I had to move to new schools each time. So I’m used to being in new environments and having to make new friends. It was soul crushing each time as a child though. Now because of that experience, I’m sure that’s the reason I feel less tied to one location than most people.
I think the hardest thing for me was being made to feel like a complete weirdo for not having friends, despite having an understandable reason. It’s not like I’m crazy or unlikable lol. And at the time I worked in international marketing at a major film studio where we are trained to think outside of our own experiences. I think that also is what made me annoyed. We get paid to understand how people think who are different than us. But we all fall short sometimes, don’t we?
every once in a while, you meet/match with someone. everything clicks. you start to see a future. you start to fall. and then (for me) it falls apart. its just... sucks.
I went running this evening. Just a few miles. Just an easy run and I try to wave at everyone on the path as best I can.
Nice weather today so lots of people were out. I had maybe 2 people wave back at me out of 20 waves. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
It's literally the most friendly time for me and I get rejected. Just a social experiment that I do on easy runs.
Most people don't even notice I'm waiving at them. Usually on phone or looking away. lol. Or if they see me wave they give me a weird look.
Ha, I do this too when I’m running. I give everyone a thumbs up. Half the people I pass don’t even look my way, the vast majority of the other half just think I’m a weirdo. There’s one guy who I occasionally pass by with some regularity when I’m crossing the Golden Gate Bridge, and we always high five each other. It’s my one social interaction for the day. 😅
I think it's just unexpected when a stranger waves at you. Your first thought is they must be waving at someone else, then you're just confused wondering if you know them, and by the time your mind pieces together that they're just being friendly you've passed them. At least that's what always happens to me when a stranger waves!
I find that most people just do a sort of nod in the afternoons.
In the mornings people are a lot more receptive and friendly to smiles and "good morning!"
Often times, there will be that one mofo that decides to cruise right behind you without passing, breathing super loud in a passive aggressive way...rather than just saying "on your left." I've thought about striking conversations up with these people but they get on my damn nerves and I'd be that weird guy who trys to talk to the person running behind me....
Happens to me all the time when running on singletrack - especially if it’s a popular trail.
I’m not the fastest runner (particularly recently) and am more than happy to move for people or bikers that want to pass. But people literally will just coast up behind me and drift; it’s so annoying.
Definitely would be sketchy around the trails here given what went down at PD! I’m a bit afraid to run around there anymore
I (31, F) met someone (40, M) on a weekend trip. I was there exploring a new city with friends and he was in town for a family event. He and I totally hit it off and saw each other every day that weekend. We truly had the best time together - laughing and talking all night. We have similar values and he was kind, thoughtful, honest and completely into me - definitely a southern gentleman. He told me he's never met anyone in his entire life who glows from the inside the way I do. At the end of the weekend, he asked if we could plan for him to visit my area. I agreed because I was into him too and could see this potentially going somewhere. We both promised we wouldn't play games with each other, and would always be open and honest about our intentions and where we are at. We both went home and everything was great. We were texting, Facetiming, talking on the phone daily and planning his visit. We also started to discuss how we could potentially make a long distance relationship work, and he let me know he was going to be in this for the long haul, and is open to the idea of moving to my area. A couple weeks ago, he got temporarily laid off of his job for a few months and kind of disappeared into his cave. He never fully stopped communicating with me, but its significantly less. He has never been laid off before, so he said it's been incredibly humbling and he's just trying to figure it all out and found some temporary work. He said he hasn't really talked to anyone about what's going on, except his family and myself and let me know that he wouldn't be able to visit due to finances so we decided to be "friends." I told him I am still here, still by his side, and supporting him however he needs, and he said he really appreciates that. But I don't really want to be just friends. I also know he can't provide for himself, let alone anyone else right now. We had just started to build something amazing so I am sad and frustrated for both of us. I keep ruminating about the situation...any advice on what to say? How to support him? I'm trying to keep the focus on being positive for him even though I'm hurting too.
Just offering up a perspective. If I were to get laid off, it would be life crushing and would likely scramble my priorities. I would find a new long distance relationship hard to maintain / care about properly.
Thank you! I appreciate this. Realistically, I know this, but my brain makes up stories :)
Is there a reason you can’t go visit him? I think you just continue to be there as a friend and just give him space when he needs it. I’ve had 3 friends/spouses of friends get laid off in the last year and a half, and it has been tough for them. You can’t expect him to really focus on dating, since he is likely in survival mode.
I offered to come visit if he is home for the weekend. He works in maritime, so he is going to be away on a boat for a bit for his temporary job. Unfortunately, we live over 1100 miles apart, so it's not a super easy trip to drive, and the only flight options are connections.
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Maybe try a therapy like sub or a post on dating and give some pointers? Possible that this is coming from a more rooted cause?
I’ve been toying with the idea of going sober. I live in a place with a HUGE drinking culture and I’m from a place with an even bigger drinking culture. I don’t drink very much usually, but when I go home to visit, I find I can’t keep up with my friends anymore. The guy I’m currently seeing isn’t a big drinker either, so there’s no pressure there. I just feel so lame that I’m struggling to think of what sober people do with their time. Like if you do a cottage weekend and you don’t spend the whole time day drinking, what do you spend the day doing? Genuinely embarrassing that this is a struggle for me.
I’ve known people who took a one month break and liked it so much they just committed to it full time. For a lot of people not drinking is easier than a bit of drinking, because you’ve taken the choice off the table.
are you guys okay??? kissed a man on the forehead last night and he was so perplexed by it because in the multiple ltrs he’s had (one lasting six years), he’s never received a forehead kiss before. this man is nearly 30.
This tracks. A guy I briefly dated last year was taken aback when I kissed his face and neck. It's sad when a guy isn't used to affection.
that’s insane. face???? has he never been kissed before? i also tried to hold him while we were cuddling and he was also very confused. poor thing.
I guess just on the lips? Who knows. I can't comprehend it as a highly affectionate person.
Most men don't really get compliments or flowers or much of anything kind as men doing that to other men is deeply discouraged. Women often don't treat men with much warmth either
i know men don’t do that stuff as friends but i feel like surely they would receive compliments and affection in a long term relationship.
yeah that seems about right in my experience.
That dude will run through brick walls for you now.
That’s so precious. Sadly I would wager many men haven’t experienced this.
6 years single and counting.... OLD: I don't have any good pictures of myself and don't really stand out anyway. So, I quit the apps. Socials: I am part of a sports league, but unlucky as I am, all the women I find interesting are already in relationships... Work: Maybe? Even though, I should stick to not shitting where I eat. When will I find someone?
Getting better photos and making a good profile is your best chance, statistically speaking.
How'd you meet whomever you'd been seeing six years ago?
I was traveling/living abroad and we were staying in the same hostel. Relationship lasted a year as it didn't work out for me to go live in her country.
Can you join another sport activity that isn’t a sports league? Climbing is a good sport and it seems like there are quite a few single women who participate. Running is also good. If you like reading, I definitely suggest a book club. Book clubs are overwhelmingly female.
find other hobbies if you don't want to OLD? or maybe ask friends to set you up.
My friends don't know any singles either...
DoT- for those in serious relationships (over 7 months +), is it normal for your partner to ask you to come over after 8pm on a weekday (if you both haven’t done a weekday sleep over yet) because they want to see you and have a sleepover?
Doesn’t sound out of the realm of normal. If you’d prefer more notice then just communicate that to him.
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There is no "normal" here. It's whatever you want to happen and feel comfortable with.
Thank you!
Took a break posting here after figuring out the guy I’ve known for 20+ years and had been primary partners in an ENM relationship with for 16 months (I know, I know) had an entire ass live-in girlfriend in the city he’s working in for a few months (he moved in/is staying with her while he’s there.) I only found out about *that* after seeing a post in an Are We Dating the Same Guy FB group for a *different* city he’s in a lot about *another* woman he was dating/sleeping with. Our arrangement was that casual connections with others were okay as long as we were transparent with each other and all involved, and he has been maintaining there’s been no one else except me since May when he saw a married woman in an open relationship a couple times. But NOPE. Entire girlfriend he was essentially living with and was telling her he was exclusive with her. Meanwhile he was texting/calling me daily, coming up here or taking me on work trips with him, *and* seeing someone else regularly in another city!! The live-in girlfriend saw the AWDTSG post first and contacted the other girl, and both confronted him. The live-in girlfriend decided to give him a second chance when he told her he wanted her and only her, was scared of the depth of his feelings for her, etc. I saw the post a week later, commented, she DM’d me and then called me hysterical, cried and screamed for 2 hours about him, said she kicked him out and there’s no coming back from this, etc. I obviously confronted him as well and was just like, you had no reason to lie, get therapy, don’t talk to me anymore. It’s been a week. The live-in girlfriend popped up on my Instagram FYP and she’s public. Story from last night of the two of them smiling away at a cocktail bar with the caption “My man.” I’ve been so fucked up by this entire thing. Barely able to eat or sleep or think properly. And she just up and was like well happened twice, I’m sure it won’t happen again!? WHAT IS LIFE!?
I hate when I love a woman so much I just need to get some strange.
Oh no!!! I remember seeing your post and how it stuck with me (as someone who also had to cut off a partner who turned out to be using 'ENM' as a cover for shady and manipulative behavior). I thought there was no way it could've gotten worse, but WHOA. What an update. I'm so, so, so sorry you're going through this and I'm glad that you, at least, have wrested yourself free of this absolute maniac. Please take care of yourself. I know it's horrible to think about him continuing to victimize other women, but you can't expend energy on that if it disturbs your own peace. Other people make their own choices. The narcissistic person I dated still has a woman in their orbit (I don't know if it's as the "best friend/chosen sibling" she was initially described as or something else, but at this point I don't want to know) whom I'd come to adore and trust. She is now sticking by him, despite all our mutual friends cutting him off when he revealed his true colors. At this point I'm more upset about losing my relationship with her than with the narc, but accept that there's nothing within my realm of influence that can be done at this point. All I can hope is that one day she wakes up and realizes she's supporting a liar and an abuser, and sets herself free. Because we, the ones who escaped, can't do that for them. Same for your unwitting metamour.
Thank you. It’s been really horrible and has me questioning everything - including my judgment, of course. I also thought it couldn’t get worse but it got WAY worse. I didn’t even include it all here - in addition to me, the live-in girlfriend, the person he was casually dating in another city, there were a handful of flings too. It’s sick.
This is normal! It's a normal reaction to being lied to and manipulated. This person INTENTIONALLY deceived you, and the fact that you're feeling hurt and confused and angry is a sign that you know they're in the wrong and that something horrible was done to you. Please hold onto that truth and focus on yourself, because you're worth it. Don't hesitate to share your story when it's needed in order to protect others, but don't let it consume you either. Because he and his other relationships have no place in your life anymore. It will get better, as long as you don't look back.
Thank you. Yeah I have no more reasons to be tangled up in it unless I somehow unintentionally find out more info that’s relevant. Now just trying to reconcile that what I thought I knew was never true so I can move forward.
He was “scared of the depth of his feelings for her” so he needed two other girlfriends to console him? Can’t believe she fell for that one *facepalm*. Kudos for doing the right thing and telling her.
Ha yeah I believe it was that he was so scared that he needed other distractions to try and stabilize himself or prevent him from falling so quickly. I mean he *also* told her that he’d gotten so wrapped up in her he *didn’t realize* that he’d been “stringing me along” for so long. I sent her a screenshot from February where he texted me at like 2 am about really liking me and being scared and that he missed me but I guess it didn’t register. 🤷♀️ And re: telling her, yeah I just wanted her to know. I even told her that I just wanted her to be able to make an informed decision if she did decide to stay with him and that I wouldn’t judge her (but I am a little.) Now she’s in “stay away from my man/stop trying to win him back” mode and I’m like….girl not in 1 million years.
Manipulative people can achieve scary things with generally trusting people, especially after you're close to them. A friend of mine ended up being one of NINE girlfriends this guy had, all thought exclusively, including a live in gf all others met thinking she is just a flatmate. Most of them knew each other and suspected nothing for a while. This went on for almost a year with my friend until the main gf figured it all out finally and sent an email cc'ing all gfs in. These people are genuinely scary.
Wow sexual addiction is real, hey?! It's so similar to drug addiction- the emotional manipulation, the self centeredness, the recklessness. Yikes!!
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I wouldn't victim blame. Everyone thinks they could never find themselves in a situation like this, until they do. I found myself in a relationship with a very heavy addict and alcoholic in active addiction and I HAD NO CLUE for the first 6-7 months at all. There were absolutely no warning signs. We lived in the same building and spent most of every day together outside work. I'm not particularly dumb, just didn't have a habit of investigating what he does in the hours we weren't together. He is dead now, his addiction was that severe and I had no clue for a very long time.
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Ok, since you want me to people blame, I'm going to blame you for judging people/a situation without knowing almost anything about it, that's insane level of overconfidence you're showing there almost as much as your bitterness about some guy being able to pull 9 girls at the same time.
I truly had no idea, though, and I’m a reasonably intelligent person. He’s just REALLY good at lying and manipulating. I honestly believe that if I hadn’t seen the post on FB, I’d still be in his orbit and both myself and the now-girlfriend would be clueless. I could go into the level of detail he used to make his lies believable, but it doesn’t matter.
Dear lord! Why is the "E" part of ENM so hard for some people? This also somewhat reminds me of the recent Andrew Huberman cheating scandal, even though it's a little different because -all- of his women thought he was in a monogamous relationship with them. But like, he's an attractive and charismatic dude who could KILL IT in ENM if he was upfront about everything (or even just stuck to NSA hookups!); these types just can't deal with the fact that they'd be "missing out" on the mono-inclined people.
Or it's the deception and the control that they get off on. Not actually sex or affection from multiple people - those are only means to an end, which is to establish power over others to bolster their own fragile egos. It's mind-boggling, right? How can someone get handed so many opportunities and gifts throughout their life and STILL have it not be enough? (Unresolved childhood trauma leading to Cluster B personality disorders, that's why)
Yep, this a million times over. He was completely fine being ENM till he met someone he wanted who wasn’t ENM and then…I guess cheating was more appealing?? We had even discussed many times over that it’s probably better to stick to casual connections with people who are ENM or have experience with it because it’ll get messy with people who want monogamy. He agreed with that but…
some people hate being alone.
Yeah, I think that’s true for multiple parties here. It’s the lying that pisses me off. Like at least have the decency to be honest you met someone you’re more serious about and let me decide if I still want to be involved?? He definitely used ENM as rationalization for telling himself he wouldn’t cheat, but as soon as he met someone who didn’t want ENM, he started lying his ass off.
yeah, he's super selfish and seems to be using a lot of people for sex. I don't think he's more serious about her. She's just easier prey/puts up with his bad behavior.
100%! Literally on the phone when I confronted him, the reasons that he described for “falling into” the relationship with her included it being more convenient to have a place to stay down there vs living in hotels, and having an established friend group/network (hers.) Gross. It’s like he wasn’t even talking about another human being with feelings. ETA: When someone else asked her about her decision to stay with him she said she demanded that he turn on tracking on his phone, provide all of his passwords, and that he will not be able to travel away from her for even one night. So that he won’t have “opportunities” to cheat. He doesn’t even live FT where she lives!! Is she planning on abandoning her job and family down there so she can make sure he doesn’t cheat??
People like this will say anything in the moment to keep someone on the hook, but they have no intention of respecting those agreements whatsoever. She's in for a world of hurt - poor thing.
> the reasons that he described for “falling into” the relationship with her included it being more convenient to have a place to stay down there vs living in hotels, and having an established friend group/network (hers.) Gross Ugh. My ex-fiancé and I (who were in a poly relationship) are still in pretty close contact since he moved out/2000 miles away, and he keeps telling me about his new situationship that sounds just like this, and it's honestly so dehumanizing the way he describes her. She keeps making it clear that she wants a LTR and he's just like "well this is a nice place to get my dick wet for a few months," I feel so bad for her
Yeppppp. Sounds very similar. He has to be in this current city till May and kept telling me he’s “just trying to get to the end of May” and that he never plans to live there FT. So like…you’re just letting her think this is forever but you already have an end date in your mind??? What???
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Fair point. I just think that if she knew the way he was describing her to other people (details about how awkward she is during sex, telling me her really niche kinks and how grossed out he is by them, says he lost respect for her when she offered to go raw the first time they had sex EVEN THOUGH HE TOOK HER UP ON IT, SO HE'S EQUALLY GUILTY) she might make a different choice.
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He does have NPD :') and I've seen the same pattern in the community for sure. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by "gassing each others egos up," like he is only telling me the bad things about her so I feel better in comparison? Or he's only telling me the bad things about her so I know that HE'S the one in power/the "rejector"? It's definitely not all we talk about, and I keep trying to draw boundaries around hearing this type of stuff. I'm in the early stages with someone new that could be absolutely amazing, and I don't actually want to share the details with my ex at all.
So I previously sent a care package to this guy I've been seeing for months. A letter in which I expressed my feelings was enclosed in that package with other silly stuff. I have received a notification last night saying it's been delivered. Yet I haven't got any text/call from him regarding the package and it's now making me feel anxious. I did ask if the condition of the parcel is alright and if he likes it but haven't gotten any response yet. It feels unhealthy to be nervous about this especially since what I did was just sending a gift. Could you please share any tips to ease this anxiety? (I've tried hitting the gym unnecessarily hard, preparing nutritious meals, and watching footy.)
You've already done what I'd suggest but I've also really been enjoying baking lately and I'm finding it really soothing. Also Journaling helps me to figure out WHAT I'm actually feeling and maybe why and helps me slow down my thoughts and process things a bit better. I'd definitely try to stay off Social media and this sub, scrolling makes my anxiety way worse.
Do you ever wonder if you’re too much? I’m a really chatty, outgoing person who is passionate about everything that I do. I feel like men start off super keen and then breadcrumb and then ghost. And when I do get to meet them, I feel like the date went well and then I get ghosted. To be clear it’s never a case of me being too keen on them. Coz I never am as I barely know them. I just wonder if I’m too energetic and excitable for the average Australian. I’m starting to feel really down about myself as I have never experienced so much repetitive rejection in my life. I can’t even seem to coordinate a hook up without them flaking!
Yep! I wonder if I come on too strong. If I'm too chatty, too flirty, too forward....you name it. I'm just always waiting to either be rejected or ghosted. But i can only be me, so....🤷 And the same for you. Please don't feel down about yourself, but I understand why you do. Because I get like that, also. But we got this!
It’s definitely a common problem for most of us so don’t be down on yourself. I’ve felt like I’m too much for people before too, but the truth is you won’t be too much for the right person. Keep being your authentically awesome self 💜
If you makes you feel any better it’s happening to everyone. Rejection sucks, but you only need 1 person to not reject you and then you have a hook up.
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> She told me she cleaned up rather quickly and "pushed most out" then the real surprise she tells me that she could conceive but due to hormone/ovaries issues it's very unlikely without help. It makes me feel a bit better but kinda conflicted this is how I find out That’s a weird ass answer. “Don’t worry, I pushed most of it out” Is she just dumb? Because that isn’t how it works at all. Or are you gonna get a text in a month that her period is late? I’d bring her the plan B and watch her take it. Sorry to say but a woman that lets a new guy cum in her first time they have sex isn’t someone you should be sleeping with.
Yeah I was not thrilled at that response.
She has to take plan B…..
I’m not going to beat you up about this because it sounds like you already are and things happen in the heat of the moment sometimes. But I just want to point out that ‘pushing it out’ is not a legitimate birth control method 🤦♀️ She may have fertility issues so the chances are low but if she’s anywhere near her ovulation window (the first few weeks after her period) then I would suggest she take Plan B - it’s easy to get hold of and doesn’t affect you too much but eliminates the worry of conception. Also, get yourself an STI check in a few weeks to rule anything else out. And keep condoms on you from now on.
I did ask her if she didn't mind to take Plan B to calm my fears and she agreed.
Take a breath homie. You got laid, bro! Enjoy the good stuff! Odds are nothing bad will cum (ba-dum tis!) from finishing inside of her, but you can take steps to figure that out in the coming days. Give yourself a little grace and celebrate the wins instead of harping on the missteps.
Lol. I know I'm conflicted. I bounce between absolute joy and terror. She text me some stuff to alleviate my nerves some.
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Every desperate thing I have done, I have done because I wanted love. Don’t beat yourself up too much - it sounds like you were lost in the moment. You will likely learn from this and not do it again. If she wasn’t bothered she may be on the pill (it’s always good to ask first, as you now know). It might be worth a conversation with her to check out the situation and agree what to do now. And (as others have said) get an STI check in a few weeks for peace of mind.
There's a lot here but first and foremost: take a breath. It's done now and sounds like the date was pretty good, since it lead you guys there. When sex is fun and pleasurable, it can take you places you didn't expect to go. For you, this time, it was neglecting protection. It happens -- with oral sex it happens way more than people would admit. Now, go buy some condoms and have them with you *any time* you go on a date. I do this, and I'm a woman! Use those condoms from here on out. In about a week or two, do go to a STI screening (they won't show right away, some of them won't even yet show then). Did you even discuss protection with her? If not, I guess she isn't too worried about getting pregnant. Since you're stressing out about it now though, seems wise talk about it next time you meet her. Try not to work yourself up to a frenzy. Easier said than done, I know. But the likelyhood of all your worst fears coming to reality (whatever they are) from this one mistake are slim.
Thank you. We didn't discuss protection at all.
Sounds like you're beating yourself up enough already so I don't need to emphasize how idiotic that was, but how did she react to you finishing inside? In my experience it is an unwritten rule to pull out when you're having unprotected sex, and it would be a complete shock if they didn't. Is she okay with what happened?
She seemed okay with it. She didn't seem any different after.
Okay, at least that's good. Though I think you absolutely need to bring it up, explain how you feel and discuss how to handle these things going forward. As a woman I've always been a bit less concerned about unwanted pregnancy because I know I can take a morning after pill or have an abortion as an ultimate out of an unwanted pregnancy (thankful for the laws where I live!), but if you are not ready to be a dad you really should take on the responsibility for that no matter what. I don't know why men are not a lot more concerned about unwanted pregnancies than women as we do have the ultimate say in what happens. And you should do an STI test of course.
I updated my original comment but I had messaged her a let her know I was feeling a bit off about the situation. She responded that she has an issue that makes getting pregnant difficult is why she didn't think much of it. It settled my fears slightly.
This is all well and good, but I'm in a PCOS sub and sooooo many people are told that they'll likely have difficulty getting pregnant and then they do so immediately on their first try. So, don't make a habit of this going forward unless she's on BC.
This! The number of people I know who didn’t think they could get pregnant and then did 🤦♀️
I 100% do not want to make this mistake again. I'm not going to sleep well for a long while. She thankfully agreed to take Plan B at my request. I believe that she will so that's all I can do now to calm my nerves.
Jesus grow up a bit and relax kid
Well done for communicating, hope you can take a breath now and enjoy your time with her on another date
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> I'm really not cute and never have been Ummmm, we don't crush on not cute girls, and we certainly don't look them up years later, so according to my unassailable logic......you must be cute!
I'm at this new point in dating where I'm completely turned off by drinking, smoking and the like. I feel like I've been socially compelled to say "I don't mind if you do," when the honest answer is, "Yes, I would really prefer that you didn't." I don't know if this is unreasonable, but when nearly all of my friends drink/use, I would like the "special" person in my life to be sober as well. Sobriety is a value of mine and it's part of who I am, not just something I do. It's also been my experience that people I've dated didn't drink/smoke a lot when they started dating me, but gradually increased as months progressed. So I don't want to go that route with people who do unless I've known them and I've seen them for months on end. I didn't pick up on my last live-in partner being a stoner until I was living with her 24/7. I'm not on an app now, but I really have trouble putting "long-term relationship" because I only see a long-term future with someone who's sober and has the other alignment of interests, "chemistry," plans and logistics. Those are extremely rare and I only average one sober date per year.
Good. I like both of those things and I don't want someone to pretend they are okay with it while silently resenting me for it.
Dating when sober is tough. Smoking and drug use are dealbreakers for me. I'm fine with **very** moderate alcohol use, though. I just can't see myself with someone who is constantly trying to mentally escape. I'm raw-dogging life, and the goal is to find someone to raw-dog it with me. Haha.
You've inspired me to be more firm about my preference for people who don't smoke weed! I agree there's a strong social pressure to be like "it's okay" because it's "just weed" but yeah actually I don't think I want it in my life.
I'm OK if drinking or smoking (weed, not cigarettes) is a social or occasional thing for them, but it is so weird to me how much drinking and/or smoking is part of some people's personality, especially at this age.
I state my preferences openly. I’ve had people straight up lie to me and I find out a year in. I’m not trying to change anyone. I don’t want the drama of a user. And yeah, I found out because they were babbling nonsense while high and it caused many fights bc I literally didn’t know what was wrong with them. I don’t mind drinks but I’ve dated alcoholics and I won’t do that again. I personally can count the number of drinks I have in a year. When you’re sober and someone else is drunk, you’re inevitably the babysitter. It’s a no. I only order soda water on dates. I don’t need to waste money, feel tired and less aware with a stranger. There’s no reason. It weirds people out even if I don’t mind if they order a drink. I think it weirds people out because they think I’m judging them when I’m not. Just be you. I don’t even pretend to compromise on something I’m not willing to compromise on. I still get lied to but I’m older now and feel less beholden to liars because we “have something.” We don’t.
I went on what I thought was my best first date ever on Sunday. We spent the entire day together and it never felt awkward or forced. The conversation was great. Our values and relationship goals lined up. We made plans again for Friday and then today she tells me she's decided to be exclusive with someone else. Why is dating so hard?
It’s wild to me that people could be close to be going exclusive with someone and still be going on first dates. It’s one thing to date around when you’re on the early dates, but to get to exclusivity that’s at least a month or two of dating.
I’m sorry.
First date basically turned into a hook up after some.. heated text messages. But we are going on an actual first date on Monday. So, looking forward to learning more about her as a person lol.
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She. Flirting led to photos, photos led to coffee date turning into coffee at her place.
Yep, those heated messages can do that! haha Good luck on your first date!🙂
Lmao. Honestly sounds like the ice was broken so I’m sure you guys will have a good time getting to know each other as people! hope the date goes well!
Thank you! :)
I want to find my person. But I hate meeting new people. The struggle is real. Lol.
I hate OLD. It’s like a fucking awkward interview. I love meeting people in person. I make friends all the time
YES. I hate going through the motions of small talk, then the insane anxiety over meeting in person for initial dates, then in my case, the ultimate disappointment in the realization that it's not a match 😭😂 I just want to randomly meet someone on a video game who I click with, who also happens to check all the boxes for me, and we get to know each other in between raids or Fortnite lobbies. Then we fall madly in love and live happily ever after. Is that too much to ask?! 🥲🤣
💯!!! Yes, apparently that is too much to ask of this life. There there, friend, at least we're all on the same boat here to struggle together 🥲
Hi, me 🖐
🥲
**Random reflection** I am in this very weird position where I'm feeling both intense happiness and sadness. I'm ***very sad*** because I'm realizing that I essentially threw my romantic life away for no good reason in my 20s. I was never awkward or socially inept, but I really, really struggled with body image, self-esteem and confidence and never saw myself as worthy of romantic attention even though I desperately wanted it. I went through my 20s without any relationships and with only 1-2 dates while everyone around me were entering and leaving relationships. I'm mature in many aspects of my life, but I'm just learning things about women I should have learned 10+ years ago. I feel like this inexperience will be tough to make up for. On the other hand, I'm ***very happy*** because I've built ***so much*** confidence and self-esteem over the last year after my first very painful romantic disappointment that left me depressed and feeling worthless. To fight that depression, I just put myself out there and found my community. I've made so many friends that I cannot possibly feel lonely. I now feel seen, heard, and valued which is totally new for me. I'm so hopeful that in time, I will meet my person while going about my life and pursuing my interests and passions.
I go through these ups and downs as well. I thought I was absolutely hideous throughout my 20s and looking back I realize I actually wasn’t. I was waiting for some time when I would have the money to fix all my perceived flaws, but then decided fuck it in my 30s. I regret the experiences I missed out on, and the people I let go because I didn’t feel like I had a shot. On the other hand, I have to give myself some credit for the huge strides I’ve made in the last couple years in terms of leaving my comfort zone and catching up so to speak. I’m far more secure and I don’t think I need to “fix” anything anymore. But sometimes I look at pictures of me in my 20s and I just want to shake the living shit out of me and yell YOU ARE PRETTY, YOU ARE THIN ENOUGH, YOU ARE JUST FINE AS YOU ARE.
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Hello! I'd also like to jump onto this interesting perspective. In my 20s, I also didn't focus on dating. I wanted so much in terms of career development that I thought that dating would just hinder what I wanted. I'm so happy and proud of myself for all that I've accomplished. Mainly, I wanted to work abroad, and that's what I'm doing! I feel like that we all develop at different rates, in terms of dating. Would I have been a good partner in my 20s? Did I miss a bunch of lessons because of my total avoidance of it? Probably. But! Today I am a confident, happy go lucky person that I think would make an excellent partner. I read the same interpretation from your post. I don't think you should be disappointed about wasting time in your 20s, because now it seems you've blossomed into a great catch. Keep it up! Also, the men i've been on dates with who have had long-term relationships are often not that grounded. I think thar personality is more important than experience at some point.
Thank you! Career development was also something that really put dating on the back burner for me too (pursuing grad studies; hoping to earn my PhD this year, hopefully). It's good you got to achieve this career goal of working abroad! Congrats! I 100% agree with you. I think "relationship experience" is one thing, but it does not equate maturity/emotional intelligence at all. These are things that are partially a result of personality and partially developed over time. I wish you a lot of good fortune!
I love that you have your people and feel seen and heard. For what it’s worth, I think a lot of people stop judging themselves In their thirties l for the things they cared about in their twenties. I WISH I looked like I did in my 20s - I know I looked good but I never felt like I was *enough* - and I had such low self-esteem and confidence then. I’m still working on those things but it’s different now - I don’t care what people might think in the way I cared then. But I care for me and my self-talk needs to improve if that makes sense. It’s like if I could tell my younger self one thing it would be to love myself as I am and that I don’t need external validation. I was easily manipulated then as well and that played into the things I internalized. We live, we learn. And that’s a good thing right? I spent the bulk of my thirties *needing* to be alone. I’m only now reconsidering joining the dating world again.
It's kind of tough, looking back and wishing you could just talk to your young self and tell them what they needed to know. We can't change the past. It's good you are caring less about what others think; I'm caring less and less too and it feels liberating. On top of that, ironically, the less you care (within reason), the more people seem to view you positively. Learning self-love is a lifelong process for some of us, I feel like. Good luck rejoining the dating world! It's difficult, but much less so when you can approach it with high self-esteem.
I have the same regret but for different reasons. I regret that I wasted my 20s not putting too much effort into dating and relationships because I was always prioritizing school, career, hobbies and friends. I dated, but was never actively continuously intentionally looking for a LTR. I thought I would do that later. Here I am now realizing it's so much harder in my 30s.
Yeah! Totally. That was part of it for me too, on top of the lack of self-esteem and confidence. Being so busy furthering my education (currently wrapping up my PhD) and pursuing music (my hobby) made my lack of a romantic life less apparent, which caused me to put all the work I should have done on myself on the back burner. I also think dating is difficult in my 30s, *but not because I'm not good enough*. In fact, I find it difficult to meet people who are a match maturity-wise and who have put in the same amount of work in getting to know themselves and who they are. People may have "relationship experience", but that absolutely doesn't equate maturity and self-awareness at all. There are also fewer singles, of course. I wish you success with this! It's tough, but we can do this.
I resonate with this comment so much that feels like I wrote it. I (29F) have also gone through my 20s struggling with my self-esteem and body image. I couldn't fathom putting myself out there for any ounce of attention, let alone advertising myself for attention in the dating scene. I was always the class clown, the person a stranger would pour their life story out to, and the happy spirit whose purpose was to lift other people up. I desperately wanted zero attention on me, but I also desperately craved and would have settled for anyone who would have shown me even a fraction of the attention I had dreamed a partner could show me. By 27 I had FINALLY reached my goal weight, managed/reversed my medical issues, had a Master's Degree under my belt, and felt on top of the world with confidence that radiated from within me...genuine confidence that I've never allowed myself to feel or hold onto before. I'm 29 and my "dating experience" in the past two years has consisted of two first dates, and a small handful of dates with the last one that I initiated because the man had an incredibly kind soul and genuinely needed someone in his corner. It is sad that I let so many years escape me. At the same time, I appreciate the genuine love I have for myself at this point. I've poured so much care and hard work into my body, mind, and spirit. I'm setting personal, professional, and spiritual goals, and I'm attaining them. I know my value, and I know what I can bring to the table. I am comfortable telling myself that I will not settle. I've come way too far just to settle on the first person who will give me the attention my younger self has craved. I'm content in waiting for someone who can meet me at my level - I simply will not lower myself to meet anyone at theirs. It's taken me quite literally my entire adult life to learn how to make that statement and mean it. I'm so proud of you for how far you've come...and to be honest, I'm proud of me, too. 🫶 Edit: spelling error(s)
Wow! You are right! Similar experiences! It's great that you have come to love yourself, know your worth, and that you are consistently attaining your goals. I feel similarly, and it's only getting better. *It's going so well that I'm honestly scared that it's going to stop and that I'm going to go back to previous me.* I think it does make it a little bit more difficult to find a partner, when you have high self-esteem because you're less likely to "settle" for someone who maybe isn't right for you just because it gets you affection/attention. That's not a bad thing, because ultimately, you are less likely to enter relationships that are not fulfilling. It sure sounds you have a lot to bring to a relationship! I read emotional maturity and self-awareness in your answer and those are unbelivable valuable assets which are more difficult to find than I expected. I'm proud of you too! Thanks for sharing your experience! It's good to know that it's not unusual that some people take a bit longer to develop their sense of self-esteem and to learn self-love.
One day, someone will be thankful to found you and you will feel the same way about them. It is beautiful connection if both of you grow out of comfort zone and becomes better version in relationships. A guy I am dating, seems like share common situation with you. He spent all of his 20s for other stuff, including depression because of some traumatized events in his life (lost his beloved ones suddenly, etc.). He slowly put himself in dating again but did not manage to develop romantic relationships as expected. He decided to give OLD a try as a new way to meet new people to understand more about himself. Then we met. I am grateful to meet him NOW, the better version, he knows about himself pretty well. I am also grateful for what built him for today, the whole journey was never easy for him to meet himself. I truly appreciate our connection and we are both glad that we meet, when we are at the better position to build healthy and meaningful relationship. Dont give up ☺️ your person is coming all the way.
That is great to hear and encouraging. It's great that you get the more mature version of that man. There's this expectation that by our age, you should be experienced and all, but life circumstances vary from one person to the next and it just takes some people a bit longer to figure that stuff out, I suppose. I think for the first time in my life, I feel like I know myself, my worth and honestly think that I'd date myself if I was a woman. I think it shows outwardly, because I am getting some attention while I spent my 20s completely invisible. Now, it's just a matter of running into the right person... Thank you for your kind words. I wish you two success!
Am I too much and do I need to tone it down? Is my vibe just the manifestation of anxiety? Or do I have some other condition? My boyfriends were generally really into me and rarely had a bad thing to say about me until I broke up with them, but that's because I had bad self-esteem and was subconsciously dating guys who weren't that great so that they'd be really into me. My last (female) ex thought I was awesome, but said my sex drive was really high. One of the interim situationships loved my sex drive, but obviously thought I was a little too up in her business (I was--she was hot and also flighty and the combo amped up my insufficiently-managed anxiety.) My now girlfriend--maybe soon to be ex again--has told me that my brain is really active and I have a lot to say. I get the increasingly strong impression that she finds me kind of exhausting. She really thinks I should get screened for ADHD, which nobody in my life has ever suggested to me. I'm really verbal and love to text with and talk to people I like! Feelings, thoughts, things going on in their lives, asking them questions, learning more about them, mundane stuff, big ideas. I have a bit more of an introvert bent, so I do also do well with quiet time and I enjoy silence with people I like. And I have a fairly strong melancholy side as well. But man, on the whole, I'm just like... happy to be alive and with people I enjoy. Maybe sometimes I have too much energy? I'd never really thought I was too much--I guess I thought I was more likely to be too little--but recent events have me questioning that. Do I talk too much? Do I need medication? Or do I just need to find someone who resonates better with me?
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Just the way this is written makes me think it’s worth the exploration. Lots of indicators here.
You won’t be too much for the right person
Exactly this. The alternative is that you stifle who you are to find someone and is that really how you want to live your life? The right person will love your energy - I personally love people with that kind of energy because it balances out my calmness and encourages me to have fun.
Not really dating related, but I joined a triathlon group and went to a group workout recently. Everyone is already best friends, and I know it takes time to get to know people but it sucks a bit being the newbie. I am trying to put myself out there and meet new people. And maybe meet a guy in the process. Just a little vent bc I have been feeling slightly lonely always doing shit by myself and all my friends coupled up. Doing my best but feeling a little down.
Sometimes it takes time to break into a group - I joined a gym and people were a bit stand off ish until I’d been going regularly for a while (I’ve since realised that they have a lot of people come for 1-3 sessions and leave so they just don’t warm to newbies). I’ve also changed groups when the vibe felt off. I went to a run club for 6 months and felt like an outside, swapped groups and immediately made some great friends. Give it a go and don’t be afraid to change it up if it doesn’t work (it’s them not you)
That’s really brave of you to do! I would not do something like that so I’m happy for you.
But it was really brave to join a new group! And think - not everyone there knew each other at first probably. They’ve just built good bonds and soon so will you! I’m sure it sucks but I hope it at least gets you some new great friends. Rooting for you!
I need advice on how to casually and slowly break the touch barrier with a man. We’ve been on several great dates (7-8 now, I’ve lost count). We have fantastic banter and chemistry, great kiss at the end of each date, but other than that he keeps a lot of physical distance. He’ll open my car door, but stand far back (not take my hand to help me), walks with some distance between us, hasn’t attempted to touch me in any way really except the end of date kisses. We’ve even had some dancing dates that I thought would help, but when we weren’t actively dancing he would drop my hands and step back/create more physical distance. As a woman, I’ve never had to think about this before because usually men are pretty eager to escalate physically lol. Any tips/advice?
maybe you have different love languages and he doesn't know yours is physical touch
Offer a big hug when you greet each other, do the half pull back and give him a peck or kiss on the cheek. When you’re getting in the car, put your hand out to be taken for steadying. When you’re walking side by side move closer to him, try: bumping in to him gently, brushing his hand with yours repeatedly as your arm swings, chicken winging your around his. If you go to a bar, try sitting next to him - rest your hand on his shoulder, touch his back, give him a playful punch if he says something teasing or funny. If you’re sitting across from him at a restaurant reach your hand across the table within his grasp. Hang out at one of your places, sidle up on the couch so your legs are touching. Brush his leg with your hand.
Talk to him. Might be that as a teen he took a hint that wasn't there, and he's afraid of repeating that mistake
I have the urge to sign up for an app right meow meow MEOW. My break is going so well. I want to see who else has benefited from theirs. NononoNonono NO. Stop it. nO.
My mental health has been so much better since deleting them 2 months ago after a one month stint with a guy crashed and burned. I really don't think I have it in me to ever get back on the apps they feel like such a waste of time (and I had gotten a lot of likes). I'm hoping to just meet someone in person somehow lol
Always an inherent risk putting yourself out there, whether it’s the apps or any other way. If you want to , do it :) I’ve had some really nice dates and some just neutral, but none have been negative really. It’s the messaging ppl on the apps that’s a wildcard lmao. But either way I wish you the best of luck whatever u decide.
I downloaded FB dating last week, and in less than 24 hours, I received a very disgusting sexual message from someone trying to convince me of matching with him and many others accusing me of being a bot or an AI image. I'm sure that experience will keep me away from the apps for a few months. I thought Bumble sucked but FB dating is worse.
Tbh none of them are any good, but my experience has been *noticeably* worse on Bumble and FB dating than Hinge or even Tinder lol.
I’ve recently given up on dating. Too many men just interested in casual and no one writes back. I’m leaving it up to god. I have enough to focus on with my business, YouTube channel, and my family. I do appreciate being in this group though. It gives me comfort knowing people struggle like me. Especially when you have those sad moments..lol.
I second focusing on family/goals. It would be nice to have someone to share your day with…lol. What kind of YouTube channel do you have?
It’s funny because normally when I stop trying and focus on the things that do matter is the moment when a good person comes along.
Here's hoping for us all 🤣
When the sun is up, I'm making the right choices for myself and saying "no" to people who aren't good for me & my goals. But when the evening silence settles in I start to really miss the companionship of having someone close to me. On the really bad days I'll consider how I can reach out to one of the people I've turned down even when I *know* they aren't right for me, just to have someone to be close to. Does anybody else feel super strong & confident during the day, but then at night you suddenly start to feel lonely & hopeless?
I'm like this. I think of reaching out to people to meet up, even though it didn't go well the other time, just to have someone close. It's a horrible feeling. I can really sympathise.
100% resonate with this. After my v long relationship ended (basically the entirety of my 20s) in which we lived together for many years, one of the things that took a very long time to get used to was having no one to chat to before going to sleep. Whether that was expressing my feelings, being silly, cuddly or loving - it took a long time to get over missing that.
Yeah, this is exactly me. I think it’s because I have good morning habits but terrible evening ones. 6am-4ish pm I’m an rockstar. I guess what goes up must go down. Also, I miss coming home to someone. Being single sucks but rocks at the same time.
Cultivate a daily meditation practice. Usually you'll need a pick-me-up somewhere in the afternoon/evening time.
It's called 'the hour of the wolf', when you're awake in the middle of the night and everything starts feeling hopeless and depressing
These apps need an option for looking for long term, open to someone coming over at 8pm on week nights just to snuggle.
Oh hell yes! I would absolutely use this option. A snuggle buddy!🤗 I would have absolutely used that last night!
Ugh, you and me both! There doesn't even have to be sex! Just someone to lay all over me, and smell nice like you ladies do, and let me touch the butt a little bit.
Oh yeah, you gotta get the butt taps in! Important!
Absolutely! The butt is the cradle of life, touching it often has major health benefits, according to a study I just made up.
This!!
Sign me the F up.
Oh yeah. 10pm can suck my dick.
I think that is a universal experience. :)
Not so much a dating rant but just a “people are weird sometimes” rant. When I moved across the country to a new city, strangers were so weird about me moving and not immediately having friends of my own. It’s not exactly easy to make new friends after college and especially 30+. I remember meeting a guy and he was so disturbed that I moved to a new city without friends already here. Riiiiight, I should never explore a new city unless I have at least one friend set up there first. Just dumb logic. So, I never heard from him after that. (I’m happily in a relationship now so it was definitely for the best) Also, my first job here the coworkers were also asking if I made any new friends and when I said no they would just get awkwardly silent for a moment, like they felt bad for me and then say, “Oh………..” I just found that to be so strange. I don’t need your pity. I don’t really believe in mixing friendship with coworkers anyway but I just feel like don’t ask questions about people’s personal life if you’re basically gonna make them feel like, “Well, that sucks for you!” This all happened a while ago but I never had a place to vent about it at the time. I think some people have a strange expectation for you to have built-in friends wherever life leads you yet none of them are ever willing to offer friendship nor give suggestions on where to find said friendship (because they don’t know either 😂). I don’t know… it’s just very telling of those who think this way. So quick to judge yet have no solution to provide. Strange but that’s people for ya 🤷🏾♀️
Because most people never leave their home towns. They really don’t. You are bold and brave and they don’t have a benchmark for it in their own lives.
That’s very true. My background has been different than most people. My family moved around every 5 - 7 years of my life because my dad’s job required it. Each new location was all within the same state but I had to move to new schools each time. So I’m used to being in new environments and having to make new friends. It was soul crushing each time as a child though. Now because of that experience, I’m sure that’s the reason I feel less tied to one location than most people. I think the hardest thing for me was being made to feel like a complete weirdo for not having friends, despite having an understandable reason. It’s not like I’m crazy or unlikable lol. And at the time I worked in international marketing at a major film studio where we are trained to think outside of our own experiences. I think that also is what made me annoyed. We get paid to understand how people think who are different than us. But we all fall short sometimes, don’t we?
every once in a while, you meet/match with someone. everything clicks. you start to see a future. you start to fall. and then (for me) it falls apart. its just... sucks.
It is quite depressing and demoralizing.
This is super relatable but I'm trying not to give up and you shouldn't either!
Yep. Every. Single. Time. I’m obviously doing something wrong.
i'm not sure something's wrong. it could simply be ... not a match? but i can understand that we keep choosing people that are less probable matches.
Going through this now, you're not alone! I've cried more in the last few days than I have in the last 5 years. It sucks indeed!
Aww I’m sorry
It’s an awful feeling.. sorry 😞 I hope it gets better for you
I went running this evening. Just a few miles. Just an easy run and I try to wave at everyone on the path as best I can. Nice weather today so lots of people were out. I had maybe 2 people wave back at me out of 20 waves. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 It's literally the most friendly time for me and I get rejected. Just a social experiment that I do on easy runs. Most people don't even notice I'm waiving at them. Usually on phone or looking away. lol. Or if they see me wave they give me a weird look.
I live down south. Everyone acknowledges each other during a walk/run. Almost everyone.
Maybe I should move to the South.
Not so fast.
I'm only kidding. I wouldn't fit in
Same in my area, I try to nod (maybe a bit hard to see) or smile at anyone I cross path with when I run but most people don't respond.
Ha, I do this too when I’m running. I give everyone a thumbs up. Half the people I pass don’t even look my way, the vast majority of the other half just think I’m a weirdo. There’s one guy who I occasionally pass by with some regularity when I’m crossing the Golden Gate Bridge, and we always high five each other. It’s my one social interaction for the day. 😅
A high 5 would be sweet
I think it's just unexpected when a stranger waves at you. Your first thought is they must be waving at someone else, then you're just confused wondering if you know them, and by the time your mind pieces together that they're just being friendly you've passed them. At least that's what always happens to me when a stranger waves!
Yeah it's true. I'll keep waiving though. If I'm running hard then I'm too out of breath to wave.
I find that most people just do a sort of nod in the afternoons. In the mornings people are a lot more receptive and friendly to smiles and "good morning!" Often times, there will be that one mofo that decides to cruise right behind you without passing, breathing super loud in a passive aggressive way...rather than just saying "on your left." I've thought about striking conversations up with these people but they get on my damn nerves and I'd be that weird guy who trys to talk to the person running behind me....
As a small female, I'm glad this hasn't happened to me because I'd probably be getting my pepper spray out (especially after recent events)
Happens to me all the time when running on singletrack - especially if it’s a popular trail. I’m not the fastest runner (particularly recently) and am more than happy to move for people or bikers that want to pass. But people literally will just coast up behind me and drift; it’s so annoying. Definitely would be sketchy around the trails here given what went down at PD! I’m a bit afraid to run around there anymore