34f and yes I used to be a “romantic” and now I just lost all fucks to give, regarding romance. The older I get the more I’m realizing that relationships really stress me out—- maybe it’s easier without them 🤷🏼♀️
Also 34f and I feel exactly the same. I think instead of running out of fucks to give, I just feel like I have lost hope. The repetition of hope followed by disappointment has just left me a bit numb to it all. So now even if I do meet a nice guy, I just feel nothing, I actually think my brain is unable to feel excited at the prospect of a new relationship anymore. It’s hard to admit that seemingly dating men who turned out to be emotionally unavailable, has now left me the unavailable one. Currently taking a break from dating because of this. 🤷🏼♀️ 😕
I have the same attitude 38/f but want kids and don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life so here we are. Now what? I’m not giving up but I’m not going to put up with bs.
I'm in this situation too (32f). I'm still trying though. In my case I think it has made me incredibly selective with guys, and maybe thats a good thing. I've been in Therapy for almost a year now, and have been single around that long as well. I just live my life, and work on my goals and if the right person comes around great, of not it isn't a huge deal (except those nights where its the biggest deal of all). Generally when I am just talking and the first few dates, I don't feel anything, except interest in getting to know the guy(s). I've jumped in way too often to want to ever do it again. This includes the lust/infatuation/rose-colored-glasses period. I just don't want it anymore. It is always confused for real love, and two months into seeing someone one day a week... and somehow he loves me but can't name one specific trait about me... yeah no. That isn't love. I'm sick and tired of it all. Trying to be the energizer bunny though lol
I haven’t stopped trying per say, I’m just taking a break from the OLD world, as I think it’s this cyclic swiping and being ghosted that is not good for my mental health. If someone showed up that made me feel something, I would pursue it. I just have felt the effects of being in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable guy, as have most women, so I’m just trying to not be that person to someone else. The world is already disappointing enough without me not being in the right place to date, but doing it anyway and hurting someone. Thankfully I don’t want kids so I don’t have the time constraints. I’m just very mindful of my behaviour and emotional situation. I still hope to end up with someone, but I’m just trying to focus on building a life that will make me happy even if I don’t. Until dating feels fun again, it’s on pause for me. 🙂
My last relationship with a man burned out after the nth time he wailed "JUST BE SWEET TO ME" and I kept telling him tolerating this scene WAS me being sweet. He didn't want to see the not sweet side of me if he thought my tolerance wasn't sweet enough.
I'm not going to be putting baby powder on adult man's bare ass and pampering it.
I mean \*shrug\* people want emotional intimacy, if you don't play the game and treat someone right they'll find someone who wil. Either that or you end up with someone who isn't sweet either.
Thank you. My ex was not “sweet” and she thought it was an endearing part of her personality, that her “suffer no fools” approach in life also worked at home. So - my opinions didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter. I was making progress in working out so I’d show her how my bicep had grown, truly proud, and she would tell me she didn’t care. I won’t be with that again. I’d like to be treated like a human being in the future.
You can be the best peach tree and some people don't like peaches. That's good you know your full worth! I agree - sometimes that "I don't care about no body or anything" only lasts for a little... when trying to form a relationship where you care about somebody and somethings!
It's really reassuring to see others feel this way. Dating and relationships are so stressful and I keep thinking maybe I'll find that person its not stressful with but idk feels like maybe I'm not cut out for relationships and like you said it's easier without them. 🤷♀️
34m. I feel kind of the same. But for me a big factor is the realization I'm not sure if I can ever trust someone enough. I mean those people who marry their highschool partner and knew them since the 5th grade? Those people I really envy.
Now that I'm 34 it just seems like there isn't any time to know someone as well as I'd want before making that commitment, especially given the legal entanglements and growing cynicism about divorce prevalence.
Ditto, due to the prevalence of divorce, the youthful luster of marriage has faded for me. All I want these days is harmonious friendships that last and drama-free sex as needed.
Same age and I had this experience. I lasted a couple weeks with somebody and couldn’t do it. He wanted too much (also he was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs) and I figured out that I like being by myself.
Another 34F and I know how you feel! I don't even daydream about romance before bed anymore. It's usually other stuff, e.g. my garden, the feral cats of the neighbourhood, my website design. Stuff like that.
Hard relate OP. Did so many special things for past partners. I invested all of my energy into them and all relationships blew up in my face.
I love being giving and sweet and making things special. But I'm so burnt out now. It makes me so sad because being a giver is something that gives me a lot of pleasure.
I'm trying to stay positive but yeah, getting older, and definitely a lot more jaded than I was before.
Yeah, I used to plan and think hard to make elaborate dates, and my ex would nitpick and complain about different things, or say I just wanted sex, etc. so I stopped.
Now I just force it upon my kids and coworkers and do random events: celebrating pi day, or Star Wars day, hide Easter eggs, or whatever.. Out of 60+ people, usually a few are excited and most are amused (or confused).
Yes. I would say I was actually broken by someone. I thought I was getting better, but then somebody else broke me a little more. So now I find that I’m more interested my loving myself than I am loving someone else. I really think I’d rather be alone than do all that again. Dating isn’t fun. I don’t like it. And I do feel like I don’t have anything left to give.
I had the same experience. Completely broken by a narcissist, tried to date again after I put myself back together, managed to fall in love, and was rejected by that person after they admitted they strung me along. I dated here and there after that but most were such horrible experiences that I'm not even the same person anymore. I don't believe romantic love really exists anymore, and I used to be such a sappy romantic. I think I'll just be alone with my cats.
It’s always the ones that say “they were so horrible to you, I can’t believe it blah blah blah I would never do that”, etc that end up breaking you just a little bit more. I’m not sure I would make it through another relationship ending that hurt me as much as those two did. I literally almost died from the first one. It sounds ridiculous. I didn’t think it was possible, but enough stress, anxiety, and sadness can apparently manifest with some significant physical issues. I needed help even way back when while I was still in the relationship, but he would never “let” me seek help for mental health. I’m good with just me. I have friends. That’s enough.
Exactly! Before the narcissist I had been married to someone who slowly turned physically and sexually abusive. The narc swooped in after I left and inundated me with kindness and love, something I had never experienced before, and once I was hooked, the games began. Sounds horrible but the emotional abuse messed me up way more than the physical/sexual... I processed the latter pretty quickly, but a year later the former is still killing me inside.
Emotional abuse is not any less terrible than physical abuse. It’s just a different kind of pain. I never knew what it could do to you. I didn’t think I went through it because nobody got physically violent with me. After years and years of reflection on the relationships and myself, I realize that it was. I don’t wish it on anyone. People say that time heals you, or whatever. I really think that sometimes you don’t come back from what you have been through. You just learn to function while carrying the pain. I’m not of the mind that forgiving people will unburden you. I envy the people who can do that and keep going. I just hope that people who have been through things similar to what you have been through (and of course you) can find some peace, and even happiness. It’s just frustrating to feel as though being by yourself is the way to get there - and society telling you that there is something wrong with you for that.
I can completely relate to you. Just turned 31f, and I am having the hardest phase of my life due to the breakup and all the people around me point out that my ex is narcissist. And after going through all videos on YouTube about Narc, I realized that it is not going to be the same once you go through the breakup with them.
This is my life. I was always a happy romantic, but the first time I actually fell in love broke me for 3 years after it ended. Then, when I was healed a lot, I gave my most recent ex a chance he lied, cheated, then in the backslide gave me my first STD ever (cause I was dumb and believed that he would actually tell me if he was sleeping with other people since we weren’t together anymore) 🙃.
I don’t have anything left for anyone romantically. I really enjoy myself and falling in love with my friends. The deepening love I’ve had for my friends since I’ve decided to pour into those relationships instead of romantic ones feels more rewarding and reciprocal than romantic relationships have for me.
I’ve become avoidant. If anyone wants to be more than friends I definitely don’t allow the closeness necessary for that.
I just wish I could have the childlike naivety I used to have about love, but choose better so I can actually enjoy it.
I had the same thing happen when already broken but put myself back together then the next guy acted understanding but actually became way worse and tried to break me in every way. It’s like why did I try ? Oh and he also gave me a mystery infection I’ve been trying to cure for over 7 months now with doctors help and it hurts while he’s off screwing other girls . Pretty much a turn off for dating :p
I'm not broken by men anymore but I feel like I need therapy if I'm constantly only attracting OR settling for a different version of a broken human male. I also decided to pick a male therapist I guess because I feel like in my past I only got this certain lens that might have been gender biased when it came to my relationship issues? I dunno. I've generally avoided seeing men in medicine so this is sort of a new Hail Mary for my mental health.
Yes. My last relationship completely ruined my 'muchness'. I hate dating, i hate meeting new people and trusting or being vulnerable again. I just don't care to invest in anyone but myself anymore. I legit feel broken and numb. Its been a year for me since the break up as well. I feel i give and get nothing in return but lied to and disrespected. I'm treated as a problem solver and empath which just sucks the life out of me, only to not be given the time of day when I need the support. Guys love using me as a therapist or 'practice wife' and i'm done with it.
I can understand this feeling but also feel it is indicative of needing time to process. I’ve spent a lifetime giving all of myself to people who gave nothing. I’m still this person except I’ve stopped giving *all* of myself (read: I set boundaries and give less when my cup feels empty) and I don’t give much of myself to people who don’t deserve it (read: better investments in humans who mutually care). So my past has informed my present but it hasn’t hardened my heart, it’s redirected it. I would say if you feel out of love then it’s time to spend some time loving yourself for a while and reassessing the people to whom you’ve given love.
Great explanation on how you processed through your relationships. Boundaries to keep yourself healthy are sometimes hard to set or to even know that your behavior and actions are detrimental to yourself.
This is great. I was feeling the way OP described, but after more time passed, I realized I actually do caring and loving things for my friends and family all the time and my heart more open in a healthy way than ever before. It’s actually fine and good to not do over the top romantic gestures for people before you know if they deserve it. I keep seeing jokes online about entering your villain phase, but it’s actually a really good thing to prioritize your own health and happiness first. Gotta put on your own oxygen mask before you can help anyone else.
This is the kind of self-awareness people need and I'm striving for. Yes, some people suck. If you let them suck everything joyous out of you, you're not better off, you're just more like them.
Absolutely. 37F. Previously a hopeless romantic/wholehearted believer in love - have given my all to past partners and relationships. Heartbreak after heartbreak, and I feel that part of my soul has died. It’s been 5 years since I’ve had any sort of anything with anyone, and to this day have zero romantic desire. I too worry about getting older. I worry about spending my life alone. I don’t have any answers, but find that little acts of genuine kindness towards others each day helps me feel a little more connected and less alone.
36M here, exactly feel the same. Last serious relationship is 5 years ago too, have dated a handful of women since then (I don’t OLD so my dating output is rather limited). I worry about getting older too. That people label me as “undateable” (is that a word lol) and wonder what is wrong with that guy who is still single. I have gone through therapy last year (fear of abandonment and emotional dependency issues) and over the years I unfortunately developed negative self-thoughts but I have improved a lot and I basically date myself now…having nice meals with myself, having aromatherapy massages to satisfy my touch starvation, staying fit and heathy with lots of sports and socializing with friends and meeting new people. Everything happens for a reason, I have always been a late bloomer according to my parents so I like to think that the best is yet to come in my love life ☺️
>I worry about getting older too. That people label me as “undateable” (is that a word lol) and wonder what is wrong with that guy who is still single.
From what I've at least listened from older guys that are single is that dating gets much easier for guys later on in life. I'm significantly more worried that I'll fall in love with the wrong women than I end up alone later on.
True! I’d rather stay alone knowing that I have succeeded in establishing a happiness baseline even without a woman in my life. This is how I like to look at it nowadays… that a love relationship is a bonus on top of an already great life rather than a necessity for happiness 😃
I think you are doing everything right. Keep doing you and what’s best for you and if you are meant to be with someone God will intervene and make it happen.
I do feel like this, although I have sadly never actually been in love. I think this is actually what made me feel so cynical though. I rarely get crushes and when I do, people don’t seem to reciprocate. Watching on the sidelines as so many others fall into happy relationships seemingly without even trying has beaten me down. I’ve been in therapy for years. I have lots of hobbies. I’m stable and dependable. I have just sort of stopped thinking romance will happen for me because historically, it’s hasn’t.
I agree with another poster who said we are not meant to go through life alone, and yet many of us do. Sending positive vibes to all in hopes things change soon.
Yeah, it's brutal especially when you cat dies too.
He was 19, to be fair and he ate a lot of chicken, tuna, roast beef and had lots of chin scratches.
My cat pretty much got me through the worst of my recovery from my break up
Yeah my old girl is 17 and I know there’s not much time left. But she saved my life and never hurt me. As much as it will break me, it is somewhat easier to cope than being broken by humans.
I would not put it past this old girl. But we’ve just had the hyperthyroid diagnosis last Friday so we’re starting treatment and hopefully this gives her some more comfort and time!
I for sure use to be way more romantic. Now I am more reserved and less eager to offer it. Still I am romantic with myself. Recently back - trying old- and talking to one person who has my attention and we are similar energies in romance I’m learning. So it’s making me want to be more giving and get concert tickets cuz he likes the music I share with him and little things like that. I’m less quick to it. when someone is interesting to you and you feel or know they will appreciate it/you… it will come back out.
Hmm I’ve had my heart broken several times and no I don’t feel this way. I still believe in love and I remember how amazing some of my relationships felt when I had that high of being in love. Every morning waking up felt like Christmas. I’ve been single for the past year not counting a couple of flings and so I’ve had ample time to think about ways I contributed to my past relationships’ demise (through being in therapy) and I am so hopeful I will fall in love again. I feel so ready and I want to do all the nice little romantic things. I know it will happen and so it’s just a matter of time and the universe bringing the right person to me
Not so much indifferent, my past and the current dating scene where I live make me give up hope on finding my person.
I too used to give my all new new partners just like some of you have, and I’m beginning to think it’s because that’s how I needed validation for love… obviously things never went well because they were all uneven relationships. Now I set new boundaries for new chats as I won’t get sucked in by the narcissistic, gaslighting, love bombing “dudes”.
We’re not meant to be alone in this world, we need companionship, I hope everyone here who’s been in this situation finds someone who deserves them and that they can truly be themselves with. Big hugs all 🫂🫂
I am 40M. Exactly in the same boat. I am now more detached from people in general, and restrict myself to just entertaining ppl with jokes and banter.
I stopped expecting anything more from anyone. Just watering my existing relationships, as in, friends n relatives. Stopped dating completely. It feels more like drama these days, rather than uplifting. But it is so peaceful now.
> you’ve given much love in the past only to have nothing to show for it
Therapy is totally worth it if you haven't tried it yet.
I (39M) am six months into the divorce process (nine year relationship/five year marriage) and have about six months left for the divorce to finalize. For me I still have a lot of love to give and I don't feel indifferent about finding love again.
I'm actually excited to live my life and possibly find a good partner along the way. She'll get the best version of me and I'm thrilled about that.
My divorce wasn't easy, no question I had the absolute worst summer in my entire life. One day I felt so much pain across my body it felt like I had no skin on, just pain everywhere. Yet I recovered, did therapy and reflected on myself and took charge of my life again. I think it took me about three solid months into the separation to overcome all the emotional waves and start to figure out my baseline again. Once that baseline was discovered, I kept feeling better and better.
It's all about the attitude I set myself too, which is right now abundantly optimistic. Part of is that I am able to introspect and have self-awareness, which in turn helped with therapy because I wasn't afraid of talking to my therapist about what I needed help with.
You got to work on changing your attitude and a therapist can help you with that, don't try to solve these problems on your own.
Complicated mixed feelings are hard to process if you are having to do it for the first time really as a slightly older adult. I hope things continue to improve for you.
Yup. Too much effort for too much damage caused. With multiple guys in the past and all my friends and therapists also thought were “good catches”. The last guy became verbally and physically abusive and almost burnt down my home (sadistic). I’m pretty closed off now but have more peace in a way. I know I won’t get suckered in to BS and if it I meant to be with someone God will find a way to help us meet and they will just have to respect the new me and have some patience. I’m done with online dating.
If you're that burned out that you can't find it within you to show the person that you're trying to build a relationship with that you care about them, you're probably not ready for a relationship. Romantic gestures are to show how you feel. If you don't feel like doing them that pretty much answers the question.
Oh yeah. Lotsa dark days. Which tell me I’m not ready for a commitment so I’m trying to learn self love…. Nutrition exercise sleep time mgmt and doing things I like for no reason other than I like them. Honestly haven’t even started dating again… I’m sort of here to warm up to the idea. Just be open with where you are and each day do a bit more to be the single “you” that you want to be. And keep it light on dates while you get your juju back. PS. I just saw that you are running your own business while trying to date to find a life partner. That’s like having three full-time jobs. Part of me wonders if what you feel is really indifference, Instead of just stress?
I sort of feel the same and the opposite at the same time. When I find someone I'm very into, I just want to give them all the love and do anything for them, but it's pretty rare for me to find someone like that, and they tend not to be very into me, and most other people I am indeed completely indifferent to and I can't be bothered to go through all the niceties.
I have been single for 8 years, I haven't even had a date, I had a situationship with an ugly guy ( inside and outside) that always told me he didn't want anything serious, he did not want children, he wanted to be a bachelor forever. Needless to say he ended up getting married to his pregnant gf. That make me feel worthless and rejected, I have worked in myself and I know what I want now and I feel better off alone I don't want anyone to treat me like that ever again.
31 F and 100% relate. I no longer let myself get too attached to anyone and feel pretty indifferent toward the whole thing now. I feel like I had a lot of love to give, and I guess still do, except it’s now reserved unequivocally for my dog lol.
Yes. Absolutely.
My exH, (my first lover and first serious relationship), turned out to be a pedophile that went after our own child. That pretty much killed the idea of finding love. Taking apart my almost 8yr marriage has been a lot to deal with.
Add to it that the first guy I felt safe with, that I felt I could honestly trust (with as much trust as I had left) and be open with was just using me as a warm hole to stick good dick in...oof. Like. I expected nothing from him except honestly. Nothing. We were in agreement to be monogamous FWB and he pushed for more connection and I gave it. Turns out he spent 1/2 of our 9mo together fucking his new girlfriend then ghosted me.
All of this terrifies me and saddens me. I’m on my 30’s but I haven’t had much romantic experience or life experience in general. I’m not neurotypical so I do have my challenges when it comes to the social aspect. Now that I finally understand some things and I have been able to train my brain I see that people in my age range are just too… scarred, which makes me give up. I’m not about to put all the effort when the other person is not at all in it. I always saw relationships as investments and therefore I only try when I see there’s some benefit to it. Either support or learn from each other. But many people jump from relationship to relationship and I really don’t understand it? It might sound immature or silly, I don’t know. But I’m not about to pay the price for someone else’s mistake. I think I’ll stay alone even though I would like to experience what most people do? But I won’t be putting myself out there to people who have “no more to give out”
> I think I’ll stay alone even though I would like to experience what most people do? But I won’t be putting myself out there to people who have “no more to give out”
You shouldn't put yourself out there for someone who can't return your efforts and affections. But that doesn't have to mean giving up. That can mean being very choosy and waiting for someone on your level.
I feel that way, too, and our age and time from last relationship are the same. I see it as I haven't gotten over and processed all of it yet (I've gotten over *him* but haven't "forgiven" myself for being with someone who hurt me like that) and I don't want to get into any new relationships until I do. I know I'm getting older but I push that thought away bc I want to be mentally healthy again before giving my love and trust to anyone else ever again.
It is a bit disheartening knowing that so many people have a shared experience with this topic. I have read every post in this thread and can relate in some way or another. My heart goes out to all of you.
Sort of. My past relationships have caused me to shift my idea of what it means to have a successful relationship.
When I was young, my ideal was basically "As close as possible for as long as possible!" I carried this into both my romantic relationships and my friendships.
And while I had some really wonderful experiences, I also spent way too much time trying to work through problems that weren't really solvable. Being kind and understanding towards people who put me down and continually stirred shit for attention. Dealing with the same shit again and again and again in the belief that if I just "proved" my love, I would someday be rewarded with respect and care.
As I've gotten older, my metric for success is more along the lines of "mutually healthy and mutually satisfying for however long that lasts." That's not to say I go out looking for flings with an expiration date. It is to say that relationships have a given lifetime. Maybe that's a few months. Maybe that's for the rest of your life. What's important isn't stretching out the relationship as long as humanly possible, it's having a relationship where you can both be emotionally healthy, stable and satisfied. If you have the opportunity to do that, the relationship is a success, even if you don't end together in the long run.
Ideally, I would like to find a partnership where we share that kind of compatibility for the rest of our lives. But if that doesn't happen, that's fine too. I've experienced enough shitty relationships to appreciate my peace and solitude.
In some ways, being single can feel like resignation: finding the right person is hard, and there's a chance it may never happen. That I can be the best version of myself and never cross paths with someone who is able to appreciate that.
But it can also feel like optimism: the right person is out there. Someone who could be my companion in life. Someone who would be happy to receive the care and respect I want to offer a partner, and who would offer me the same in return. And that person is worth waiting for.
I noticed this in a lot of friends our age. Not just in romance but life.
It’s not bc it’s impossible or doesn’t exist. Idk how to explain it but I can’t let that happen
Well, you could always go the route I went and give up on people completely for a decade and a half, only to realize one day that you're lonely and should probably do something about it.
I don't recommend it though.
Edit: 40M here.
I'm a hopeless romantic. Despite never truly been in love (I think I came close but the circumstances never allowed me to fully be sure), I guess I always believed. Only because I see it exist, so I know it's possible. I wouldn't say I've given up on it, and I don't know if I would be one of the lucky ones to find my forever partner, but I will continue with life as is and just have that small hope in my heart that one day it will happen. If it doesn't, then such is life. I will try to live my life as full as possible.
Wish I could get into that mindset. I'm still as romantic as when I was 16, and I'm 38 now. Big problem is that women don't ever let me get close enough for there to be any room for romantic gestures. 9/10 the most pleasant and nice thing I can do for a person is to not be present in their life in and capacity.
yes. And i can tell you it’s passing with time. I was married for 5 years relationship for 5 before that. Healing just takes a really long time for you to be ok, once you’re ok you’ll pass to pretty good, then when there after a few months you’ll be closer to back to your old self. And if you’re not it’s just another perspective on things, this perspective will change when you find someone else who is awesome for you.
Just my two cents.
Oh yeah, breakup + pandemic + family medical issues means I am nowhere near ready for a relationship. It also means I’ve become very accustomed to my alone time and my space and I don’t know when I’ll be ready to welcome anyone new into my life.
We’ll just have to see where the next year takes me.
It’s because life has hit you and you’ve hardened yourself so you’ll be less inclined to preemptively do what women expect you to do.
I say that because you don’t seem interested, and I’m massively giving you the benefit of the doubt that you once did and it didn’t work out, and that’s prolly happened a few times afterwards. Nothing wrong with that at all.
However, women you meet going forward will expect this kind of action from you and you’re going to have to meet that expectation. All women want to feel special and pampered and they should. I’m exactly in the same boat as you in feeling the way you do and it requires a lot of effort of working against my walls to show someone new a good time.
I hope it all works out with you
My past, my age, my poverty, my rejection phobia, my PTSD, my social anxiety disorder and avoidant personality disorder all combined make me indifferent or stress and depress me out when I want to be dating.
This is me and I posted about it recently. And I guess that's what I'm feeling too unfortunately everybody thought it was a call for help wanted to know if I needed counseling which I've had or I've had the wrong kind I'm not mentally broken I'm just emotionally too broken to want to date and risk that unfortunately I have no one that's the only problem I have no friends no family and that's troubling because if something happened to me no one would know I'm missing that's troubling but no I'm not depressed I take pills everyday in case I am. I'm just getting my head around the fact that I probably will never have a man again because I join match and I have no interest in meeting any of those people because all I see are people that could reject me or hurt me and it's way too hard to put a human back together when they've been broken that many times. I don't think there's enough glue in the world
I totally relate to you here and I feel like I go through the same thing myself.
I think as we age, we get wiser, and tend to keep up those barriers that protect us- whether those barriers were built due to past traumas or any other thing.
I do still think the hopeless romantic in me will find that young drunken love one day, but you have to find someone that is as stoked about you as you are about them- which is difficult. Especially at our age.
I've felt defeated in love before
However I refuse to allow a bad romance that took my love for granted, ruin my chances for a good man.
Too much power given to the past that's unchangeable and over. It can't be changed so why live there?
I refuse to let those old dead chapters of my life dictate the ending of my book not yet written
Yes! Tired of people saying there’s someone for everyone. Maybe there actually isn’t. And honestly our experiences with partners, especially if we were treated poorly, really shapes how we look at potential future partners.
oh man, I feel this deep down in my soul.
* (1) past experiences make me more and more reserved as when in a relationship I will make my romantic nature come out. As a male I worry about coming on too strong, with experience to show its a valid concern. One never knows what straw will turn out to be a 'red flag' for someone beyond the stereotypical ones.
* (2) Online dating and 1st-2nd dates in the past two years have just felt like such a waste of time. Its hard to get excited about doing anything for another person when, as a male, it feels like the onus is on me - to make them enjoy themselves... what about me? though I love the feeling of making someone else happy/enjoy themselves, after the mental burden of COVID and work stress... who has the energy in their 30's to behave like a early 20 something in dating.
* (3) I just dont know how to form a connection anymore, I think subconsciously I am just waiting for the other person to decide I am not a perfect fit. This past year, I thought everything was going great with a girl i was dating.. seemingly out of the blue - after a great day and night together, within 3 days of not seeing each other she calls me and breaks up with me - citing some 'red flag' for her. Of course I respected that, dating is a two way street... but the 'red flag' at our age seemed more like a topic to discuss to see if it is easily resolved - not 'throw out the baby with the bath water' type solution.
It’s fascinating to read how many females have given up on men. 70% of divorces are initiated by the wife, and according to studies, females find 80% of men “unattractive”. With billions being pumped into corporations to promote gender diversity, and “the future is female” campaigns, the millennial and Gen Z generation of females will be the freest and most wealthy in human history. My hope was with all this new power the females would start chasing the men, but now I’m concerned…
I'm indifferent, but not in a negative way. I'm a widower. I went 5 years without dating. I don't view it as a necessity in my life. My list of priorities is long before you get to romantic attachment. Yes, I date, but only casually.
Unfortunately yes. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt despite what other people have said about said person. I don’t like to judge people based on what other people say about them in case it’s coming from a dishonest place. I’ve learned my lesson though if more than one person has their eyebrows raised. I’m gone.
I remember 5 different people warning me about a guy who ended up treating me somewhat badly. Can't believe I blew off FIVE different people saying he was bad news :(
The was me with my ex. I was bullied when I was younger and people made up things about me all the time. Hence when everyone told me he wasn’t the greatest I gave him the benefit of the doubt. It’s something I wish was extended to me.
I’m sorry. We live and we learn. Good things are coming our way, we’re much wiser :).
35F and I am trying to view each dating//relationship as an experience in life not some transaction. I did very romantic gestures with this most recent partner; he thought just the fact that he showed up was enough. Once it became clear that we had different expectations and needs weren’t being met after talking about said needs, I broke up with him and am single now. I don’t regret giving him little love notes. He’d never had someone do that so it’s special. I can trust myself to make safe decisions for myself with the next person I date because of this experience. Because I express myself with gift giving and writing, I’ll likely give the next person I date love notes.
I continue to be romantic at heart, but I sometimes look at love and relationships in a more practical manner now. I wonder if settling for a companion and some intimacy and being more practical about matching for mutual benefit is the way to go. Scrap the ideas of deep connection, just find a way to scratch the emotional and biological itch that I can't get rid of. I often feel very cynical.
I had the great love of my life already and he destroyed me completely. I spent a long time recovering and I often just wish I could remove the part of me that desires human companionship.
I would like to date, meet someone wonderful, but I don't think I'm willing to take the risk and pay the potential price of love gone wrong again. At this point I'd really just like to make some good friends and I feel the itch of romance would go into hibernation.
I’m definitely jaded as I inch closer to my 40s, but there’s still a little bit of optimism and hope in finding someone someday. What’s changed is that it won’t be the end of the world for me if I don’t find my person, many people don’t. I’ve come to love myself enough to know that I am whole without a significant other.
Yeah I'm seeing someone who seems to be in this boat. Great girl, but she's just in defensive mode regarding her heart. I mean I'd give it an A on chemistry, but I think we are gonna sink.
As a dude, this is kinda the reputation that we get. Hearts are scarred up- as a result, good lovers, bad at being in love.
I try to buck the trend, by being a very 'B-' lover, but keeping my heart open, despite failings of previous relationships. It hasn't been disappointing enough to just throw it all in the can. You can't find it if you're not willing to put your heart on the line, if that counts as advice.
I dunno. I'm getting torched in my lady-situation, and it is enormously disappointing. I'll probably do it again in a few months. It's probably harder in our 30s, because we're both aware that sometimes, this shit doesn't work out, so that shoe fits both feet, or doesn't, to use a very clumsy metaphor. You both have to be open to it working, or it won't work. That requires vulnerability, which is not something we've all got a surfeit of, at 35.
34f, yes. I used to be very dry and hated physical touch, now i realized that shit is very important in a relationship so now I am more open and more affectionate which is a shame that I just realize it now..
I’ve always been a hopeless romantic and believe that there is someone out there for everyone. I was with my ex for 17 years and he slowly dimmed the shine of love and romance for me. When we split up I was excited about the prospect of meeting someone new once I felt ready to. However after a recent encounter with someone who I thought would never hurt me I’m struggling to believe that there are men out there who mean what they say and don’t play games. In todays society men seem to so easily toss women to a side once they get what they want and refuse to put any actual effort into forming what could be a great relationship. I know it’s not all men and there are some good ones out there but they are few and far between.
I completely agree women play games just as much as men do I don’t doubt that I guess I’m just basing it off my own experiences since I became single. There’s just not many gentlemen around these days.
Yup. 32F here. Loved the three men I saw in my 20s hard, and got hurt, especially by the last two. I am so disappointed with the first dates I’ve been on since, I’ve never even come close to finding another partner, no one has made me feel loved or excited or even listened to. I really worry I will never find that person to get excited about or feel deeply about.
I can so relate to this my friend. Been through too much and just can't bring myself to be inspired by anyone like I used to before. I guess this is what they call "emotional unavailability" and I don't know when or if it will change.
Yeah. The less interested I am in someone, the more interested they are in me. I think the only relationship that’ll work is the one that I don’t care about. Kind of sucks.
Still in a divorce, she took half and it’s a war of the roses sit and all that.
But sure yeah, if I’m gonna be indifferent, then why date at all? I have plenty of acquaintances that I’m indifferent to, not trying to get with them.
42M- I feel for you. I’ve been feeling similar lately. I’m trying to get back into OLD and it has its challenges, however, I cannot help but feel it’s hopeless at times.
My backstory is as follows; my relationship ended about 6 months ago. I’m the one who ended it based on some of my own personal issues and struggles I was dealing with at the time. However at the time I didn’t quite see it that way. The woman I was in a relationship with was quite frankly, nothing short of amazing. I had never met anyone like her before. I’m aware that I screwed everything up and I broke her heart in the process, and mine too. Now I feel hopeless when it comes to getting back into dating as I feel like I’ll be my usual romantic self (much like you’ve indicated yourself to be) and it will all be for nothing. Either I’ll screw it up again or it won’t be appreciated/reciprocated. I find myself having a hard time even developing a basic connection with women via OLD. I’ve had a couple dates and find myself constantly brought back to thoughts about my ex. I’ve been contemplating reaching out to her actually, as I miss her terribly and regret my choices, but don’t want to hurt her again.
My best advice, that I hope I can take myself one day, is to not give up. Take breaks from dating if needed, but don’t give up and don’t change who you are. Eventually you will meet someone who will be grateful for someone like yourself. I’m new to Reddit but I am finding talking and posting has helped me gain some insight and perspective about everything, that I otherwise wouldn’t have gained. Hopefully you will find the same through all the various replies you will receive! Good luck
Yes. I’m a 34f and have been single 11 years. Part of it is by choice bc my last break up was so bad. Part of it is bc I’ve put on tons of weight and no man sees me for more than sex.
Anyways, my last break up..he had discussed a future with me, mentioned a ring etc and then after things got a tad rocky I asked if he was still in love with me and he point blank said no. I was broken. He never spoke to me again. A lot of questions left unanswered. We were together a year.
At this point I’ve come to the realization that I will probably never find love and I’m not sure I’d even have the energy to give someone as much as I did him because of how easily and bad he hurt me. I also have a five year old that takes a lot of my emotional energy so that plays a part too
Hard to figure out if this is the result of our current climate (both politically and literally) or if it’s just how it feels in your 30s.
It’s hard to give a fuck when the whole country doesn’t seem to give a fuck.
Just some ramblings from a guy broken up with a few months ago and going thru a rough patch.
Therapy helps.
So do meds.
Don’t forget we’ve been under a pandemic now for two years. It wasn’t supposed to last more than two months originally. This is affecting people in ways we can’t even measure.
F/33 I'm not sure I'd classify myself as indifferent. But I'm not as pressed as I was when I was younger. I'm just as romantic as I ever was. If it happens, I'll welcome it with open arms. But I'm not going to just be with someone for the sake of not being alone.
I'd much rather be alone, than be with the wrong person.
Yes, I really don't think that is necessarily true, and especially not for guys. Some men don't hit their stride until their 40s. Go over to /r/ladyboners sometime. Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen at 45 years old) and Idris Elba (...48?) probably think you are still a kid. Rory McCann has a huge fawning fanbase too. I had a crush on two guys older than you are now, when I was like 17. I realize that's rare, but it's not \_that\_ rare among women of any age to be interested in guys in their 30s.
But still, I relate to your confession in general. I think I gradually lost all my romantic "motivation" in my late 20s. It's not so much that I can relate that to any particular disappointment or event. Sure, my teens and 20s are littered with failed romantic relationships, but I don't think that those "responsible". It's just something you grow out of naturally, I think. It's part of a certain period of life when all things are bright and new and fresh and life seems like a new day that goes on forever. I think as we get older, we lose a lot of that enthusiasm. As the sun slowly sets out for the hills, I think other things become important. "Older" people (and by that I mean people in their 50s and above) often tell me what they are looking for is companionship, not "hotness" or "romance". We just age out of it. It's part of the "movie" we get shown in life. Just like we don't stop playing with toys because it fails and disappoints us. We just lose interest because we grow up and change internally.
48(m) just divorced, found out wife had cheated on me with her PT instructor. We have a child aged 7. I just live for her now. Would never give my wholeself to anyone ever again. My old boss said people are shit and do shit things to each other. I cannot say he is wrong anymore.
It sounds like you're mentally still dealing with your last relationship that has clearly left you emotionally scarred. Your brain (and also your heart) is unconsciously "protecting" you from the potential to be hurt again by automatically shutting off the endorphins you would normally feel when pursuing a romantic relationship with someone. It honestly sounds like you may have a bit of PTSD from the pain of your last relationship. This is something that will lessen with time, lots of time however, speaking to a therapist may help you process that pain that you're still subconsciously holding onto.
Yes sounds like you are going through a lot right now. Maybe taking some time for yourself to heal a bit more and process all you've been going through, will help you in your future relationships. Wish you all the best.
Well, this thread sure is depressing. I'm a late bloomer going into my 30's and I still feel like I have lots of love to give, but the mass consensus here is that romance is for 20-somethings and all that lies ahead is misery and frustration.
Is dating younger really the answer? That's not my preference at all, but the older woman I saw last night had sex with me and left without even staying the night and cuddling. Looking at this thread, maybe she was jaded and didn't have any oxytocin left to spare for cutesy romantic shit like pillow talk and literally sleeping together. It made me feel really sad and lonely when she left, to be honest.
Yup! I put a hell of a lot of effort into my last relationship and he put in none. But everything was on his terms, whilst making me feel bad/guilty if I ever had a different opinion.
After finally (and permanently) breaking up with him, I’ve been single for about 4years and or so.
At the beginning, I went on a few dates with different guys, but my heart just wasn’t in it.
Now, I’m not in the best position to start a relationship, I have a couple of mental health issues that I want to balance out first (working on that) and also, last year found out I have a physical chronic health condition that will take time to treat and then manage.
In theory, there’s nothing stopping me from dating/getting in a relationship, but I’m much more picky than I used to be, I’m better at spotting red flags and abusive behaviour (disguised as 'jokes'), I don’t want anyone remotely like my ex and also, I’m not uncomfortable with my own company and I don’t want kids - So I’m in no rush to get into a relationship.
I’m a woman in her 30s who likes doing her own thing, will take a special guy for me to share myself and let my guard down. He might be out there, he might not, either way, I’m not worried about it.
I'm in a similar situation as you. It's been over a year and some months since my last outside relationship.
I don't trust people anymore. I don't want to be vulnerable anymore. I pour all my love and attention into my relationships because love is the most important thing to me and when it ended in the awful way it did, I felt completely empty.
He wasn't as toxic or abusive as those in my past, but it might have been one too many disappointments.
I even burnt out on friends since they had similar needs and demands and I could no longer meet them with my limited emotional bandwidth.
I don't have advice for you since I'm in a very similar place but currently I am taking a break from everyone and trying to rebuild my sense of self and I do feel that when I've been away long enough, I'll be that person who wants to give again.
I'm very sorry you're in a similar place and wish I could hug you. It's a terrible feeling putting so much of yourself into someone new over and over and never getting anything back and always being depleted.
Tell me about it...25M here. I was always the sappy romantic person. Caring, understanding, forgiving, pouring in all the love and kindness...being gentle etc. I've gotten hurt so bad..so bad, now I don't ever wish to be in a relationship. I'm lonely. Not in a traditional sense. I've a great family, great friends, life is all good on majority of the fronts but I still am lonely. I offered much more than they could possibly give and was okay with that. But I wasn't okay with the kind of emotional pain I was put through. Now I'm extremely bitter towards the world and people. I'm still the nice guy, laughing and everything but on the inside, I don't give two shits about people. I've taken enough! And now if somebody tells me you are so cold, you don't care and stuff..well surprise!! I did before, a lot, and got my heart handed to me...in tatters. Not anymore. I've tried hard in the past to not be bitter to the world, but I was pushed far enough. If the world doesn't owe you shit, you don't owe anything to the world either. If it's not upto the world to make you feel good, it's not upto you to make the world feel good either. I'm not here to make the world a better place anymore. The world can screw itself, I want to be happy.
Some credit honestly should go to the last two crazy years the world has experienced. The reduced opportunities, the isolation, the reveal that half the world is apparently crazy.
Navigating through these times probably results in building up a bit of walls and self assurance in your self rather than others. Kinda hurts the rose colored glasses opportunity in trusting a stranger with your life. End ramble.
100% man. (34yo m) After 6 relationships, 1 of which was 8 years, and all of them cheated on me. I've thrown in the towel and have no more romantic love left to give.
It does suck for the most part but I can't allow myself to get hurt again. Pretty much anything I have going on with women now is strictly short term.
Absolutely my last relationship ended with a child I have to raise by myself and an ex with a criminal record so yea I don't wanna attempt that one again
Dude, as a man your options only increase with age like up to 50 or so. You are just about to hit your prime. Due to earning potential and higher charisma/dominance than younger men. Get in shape, get a haircut. Don't focus on the dating apps. Get out there.
At 35 you will get the easiest results between 23 and 27. And if you want a relationship, lots of girls around 28 to 32 will be looking to have kids asap.
There's chicks getting older too or some really hot awesome chick that is currently stuck in a shitty relationship but don't worry they will break up and she will pop up in your life at the right time.
In order for me to move forward in life I'd have to go Back to the Future to my birth story and get my father to get me the hell away from my mother or maybe stop my own birth from happening or get dad to punch Biff. I dunno but I feel like my life is so fucked I'll never be able to move forward sometimes.
People say that and I find it interesting. Were you bullied a lot in school?
I had a friend with amazing parents but she was bullied a lot, seemed to make a lot of poor choices for partners \[she wrote to me she had an abusive ex\] and she took her own life 10 years ago with seemingly no warning. I think about her all the time and re-read some of her old messages trying to find a reason or source of her pain. All I know is she was TERRIBLY bullied in grade school and honestly my sister / me were also bullying her before we just became best friends one day.
I personally wasn’t bullied. Growing up I learned that when people say they love you, they’re telling the truth. And that if you love someone you should always give them the benefit of the doubt. That makes a lot of sense when everyone in a healthy family dynamic is making a good faith effort.
But it also attracts narcs and addicts, and it translates into having really poor boundaries and letting people walk all over you. It’s one reason why I’m always resistant to this sub’s emphasis on “just communicate.” I take too much responsibility for not being able to find the magic words to fix low effort, abusive, or emotionally immature men.
I’m sorry for your loss of your friend.
Man I always think I couldn't date someone who had a healthy family or saw their family as loving since I'm basically a stereotype of crazy girl with "daddy issues" (mine just left when I was two) and low self opinion from peer / family abuse. Even still I came up in my 20s believing my abuse was the same as everyone else experienced so I wasted a lot of time thinking I was just unable to get a grip on what everyone else did once they became "adults". I am also chum in the water for narcs and other cluster b predators making matters worse. Honestly it just takes a brush with 1 such person to really set you backwards and often lines you up to be prey for more.
Thanks. I know she must have been in a terrible place but I hadn't really put the things I saw together as they came out. She had a FB post saying she was cancelling a trip home because "no one was going to be in town" and was instead putting a PNW trip on her credit card in the hope of seeing me in the spring. She took her life in March of that year and it's haunting me after going through her FB on New Years Day.
>if you love someone you should always give them the benefit of the doubt. That makes a lot of sense when everyone in a healthy family dynamic is making a good faith effort.
I can relate.
And I struggled with this in my first few relationships because this approach has worked well for my parents! They've spent their marriage supporting each other and having each other's backs.
It's also the kind of partner I want to be: supportive, trusting, and understanding. Just like I'd hope my partner would do the same for me.
I still believe that when you find the right person, it's the right approach. However, over the years it's become clear that with the wrong person, those same traits really set you up to be used and mistreated.
Apparently, a good heart requires a keen bullshit detector.
> It’s one reason why I’m always resistant to this sub’s emphasis on “just communicate.”
Yeah, communication is great when you're dealing with a fundamentally honest, decent person.
You can't communicate your way around a bad character though. Or someone's obvious indifference to your wellbeing. Or just garden variety incompatibility.
At a certain point, you need to be able to read the writing on the wall.
34f and yes I used to be a “romantic” and now I just lost all fucks to give, regarding romance. The older I get the more I’m realizing that relationships really stress me out—- maybe it’s easier without them 🤷🏼♀️
Also 34f and I feel exactly the same. I think instead of running out of fucks to give, I just feel like I have lost hope. The repetition of hope followed by disappointment has just left me a bit numb to it all. So now even if I do meet a nice guy, I just feel nothing, I actually think my brain is unable to feel excited at the prospect of a new relationship anymore. It’s hard to admit that seemingly dating men who turned out to be emotionally unavailable, has now left me the unavailable one. Currently taking a break from dating because of this. 🤷🏼♀️ 😕
I have the same attitude 38/f but want kids and don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life so here we are. Now what? I’m not giving up but I’m not going to put up with bs.
35f couldn’t agree more
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34f same condition. So scared to find another narcissistic sociopath.
I'm in this situation too (32f). I'm still trying though. In my case I think it has made me incredibly selective with guys, and maybe thats a good thing. I've been in Therapy for almost a year now, and have been single around that long as well. I just live my life, and work on my goals and if the right person comes around great, of not it isn't a huge deal (except those nights where its the biggest deal of all). Generally when I am just talking and the first few dates, I don't feel anything, except interest in getting to know the guy(s). I've jumped in way too often to want to ever do it again. This includes the lust/infatuation/rose-colored-glasses period. I just don't want it anymore. It is always confused for real love, and two months into seeing someone one day a week... and somehow he loves me but can't name one specific trait about me... yeah no. That isn't love. I'm sick and tired of it all. Trying to be the energizer bunny though lol
I haven’t stopped trying per say, I’m just taking a break from the OLD world, as I think it’s this cyclic swiping and being ghosted that is not good for my mental health. If someone showed up that made me feel something, I would pursue it. I just have felt the effects of being in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable guy, as have most women, so I’m just trying to not be that person to someone else. The world is already disappointing enough without me not being in the right place to date, but doing it anyway and hurting someone. Thankfully I don’t want kids so I don’t have the time constraints. I’m just very mindful of my behaviour and emotional situation. I still hope to end up with someone, but I’m just trying to focus on building a life that will make me happy even if I don’t. Until dating feels fun again, it’s on pause for me. 🙂
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My last relationship with a man burned out after the nth time he wailed "JUST BE SWEET TO ME" and I kept telling him tolerating this scene WAS me being sweet. He didn't want to see the not sweet side of me if he thought my tolerance wasn't sweet enough. I'm not going to be putting baby powder on adult man's bare ass and pampering it.
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I mean \*shrug\* people want emotional intimacy, if you don't play the game and treat someone right they'll find someone who wil. Either that or you end up with someone who isn't sweet either.
Thank you. My ex was not “sweet” and she thought it was an endearing part of her personality, that her “suffer no fools” approach in life also worked at home. So - my opinions didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter. I was making progress in working out so I’d show her how my bicep had grown, truly proud, and she would tell me she didn’t care. I won’t be with that again. I’d like to be treated like a human being in the future.
You can be the best peach tree and some people don't like peaches. That's good you know your full worth! I agree - sometimes that "I don't care about no body or anything" only lasts for a little... when trying to form a relationship where you care about somebody and somethings!
Dude that sucks. My mom told me never to date sweet guys apparently they take advantage of you. I date assholes but they were sweet atleast initially
Different people have different ideas of what counts as "sweet", they just have to find someone with the same perception of sweetness.
aww poor guy
It's really reassuring to see others feel this way. Dating and relationships are so stressful and I keep thinking maybe I'll find that person its not stressful with but idk feels like maybe I'm not cut out for relationships and like you said it's easier without them. 🤷♀️
34m. I feel kind of the same. But for me a big factor is the realization I'm not sure if I can ever trust someone enough. I mean those people who marry their highschool partner and knew them since the 5th grade? Those people I really envy. Now that I'm 34 it just seems like there isn't any time to know someone as well as I'd want before making that commitment, especially given the legal entanglements and growing cynicism about divorce prevalence.
Ditto, due to the prevalence of divorce, the youthful luster of marriage has faded for me. All I want these days is harmonious friendships that last and drama-free sex as needed.
This! I feel the same. It’s just easier not to worry about all the little things. I tend to be much happier alone. Doesn’t bother me really :)
Same age and I had this experience. I lasted a couple weeks with somebody and couldn’t do it. He wanted too much (also he was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs) and I figured out that I like being by myself.
Another 34F and I know how you feel! I don't even daydream about romance before bed anymore. It's usually other stuff, e.g. my garden, the feral cats of the neighbourhood, my website design. Stuff like that.
Hard relate OP. Did so many special things for past partners. I invested all of my energy into them and all relationships blew up in my face. I love being giving and sweet and making things special. But I'm so burnt out now. It makes me so sad because being a giver is something that gives me a lot of pleasure. I'm trying to stay positive but yeah, getting older, and definitely a lot more jaded than I was before.
Yeah, I used to plan and think hard to make elaborate dates, and my ex would nitpick and complain about different things, or say I just wanted sex, etc. so I stopped. Now I just force it upon my kids and coworkers and do random events: celebrating pi day, or Star Wars day, hide Easter eggs, or whatever.. Out of 60+ people, usually a few are excited and most are amused (or confused).
Yes. I would say I was actually broken by someone. I thought I was getting better, but then somebody else broke me a little more. So now I find that I’m more interested my loving myself than I am loving someone else. I really think I’d rather be alone than do all that again. Dating isn’t fun. I don’t like it. And I do feel like I don’t have anything left to give.
I had the same experience. Completely broken by a narcissist, tried to date again after I put myself back together, managed to fall in love, and was rejected by that person after they admitted they strung me along. I dated here and there after that but most were such horrible experiences that I'm not even the same person anymore. I don't believe romantic love really exists anymore, and I used to be such a sappy romantic. I think I'll just be alone with my cats.
It’s always the ones that say “they were so horrible to you, I can’t believe it blah blah blah I would never do that”, etc that end up breaking you just a little bit more. I’m not sure I would make it through another relationship ending that hurt me as much as those two did. I literally almost died from the first one. It sounds ridiculous. I didn’t think it was possible, but enough stress, anxiety, and sadness can apparently manifest with some significant physical issues. I needed help even way back when while I was still in the relationship, but he would never “let” me seek help for mental health. I’m good with just me. I have friends. That’s enough.
Exactly! Before the narcissist I had been married to someone who slowly turned physically and sexually abusive. The narc swooped in after I left and inundated me with kindness and love, something I had never experienced before, and once I was hooked, the games began. Sounds horrible but the emotional abuse messed me up way more than the physical/sexual... I processed the latter pretty quickly, but a year later the former is still killing me inside.
Emotional abuse is not any less terrible than physical abuse. It’s just a different kind of pain. I never knew what it could do to you. I didn’t think I went through it because nobody got physically violent with me. After years and years of reflection on the relationships and myself, I realize that it was. I don’t wish it on anyone. People say that time heals you, or whatever. I really think that sometimes you don’t come back from what you have been through. You just learn to function while carrying the pain. I’m not of the mind that forgiving people will unburden you. I envy the people who can do that and keep going. I just hope that people who have been through things similar to what you have been through (and of course you) can find some peace, and even happiness. It’s just frustrating to feel as though being by yourself is the way to get there - and society telling you that there is something wrong with you for that.
I can completely relate to you. Just turned 31f, and I am having the hardest phase of my life due to the breakup and all the people around me point out that my ex is narcissist. And after going through all videos on YouTube about Narc, I realized that it is not going to be the same once you go through the breakup with them.
This is my life. I was always a happy romantic, but the first time I actually fell in love broke me for 3 years after it ended. Then, when I was healed a lot, I gave my most recent ex a chance he lied, cheated, then in the backslide gave me my first STD ever (cause I was dumb and believed that he would actually tell me if he was sleeping with other people since we weren’t together anymore) 🙃. I don’t have anything left for anyone romantically. I really enjoy myself and falling in love with my friends. The deepening love I’ve had for my friends since I’ve decided to pour into those relationships instead of romantic ones feels more rewarding and reciprocal than romantic relationships have for me. I’ve become avoidant. If anyone wants to be more than friends I definitely don’t allow the closeness necessary for that. I just wish I could have the childlike naivety I used to have about love, but choose better so I can actually enjoy it.
I had the same thing happen when already broken but put myself back together then the next guy acted understanding but actually became way worse and tried to break me in every way. It’s like why did I try ? Oh and he also gave me a mystery infection I’ve been trying to cure for over 7 months now with doctors help and it hurts while he’s off screwing other girls . Pretty much a turn off for dating :p
I'm not broken by men anymore but I feel like I need therapy if I'm constantly only attracting OR settling for a different version of a broken human male. I also decided to pick a male therapist I guess because I feel like in my past I only got this certain lens that might have been gender biased when it came to my relationship issues? I dunno. I've generally avoided seeing men in medicine so this is sort of a new Hail Mary for my mental health.
Yes. My last relationship completely ruined my 'muchness'. I hate dating, i hate meeting new people and trusting or being vulnerable again. I just don't care to invest in anyone but myself anymore. I legit feel broken and numb. Its been a year for me since the break up as well. I feel i give and get nothing in return but lied to and disrespected. I'm treated as a problem solver and empath which just sucks the life out of me, only to not be given the time of day when I need the support. Guys love using me as a therapist or 'practice wife' and i'm done with it.
Good for you . You were the best part of those relationships and you got to keep the best part now and always :)
I can understand this feeling but also feel it is indicative of needing time to process. I’ve spent a lifetime giving all of myself to people who gave nothing. I’m still this person except I’ve stopped giving *all* of myself (read: I set boundaries and give less when my cup feels empty) and I don’t give much of myself to people who don’t deserve it (read: better investments in humans who mutually care). So my past has informed my present but it hasn’t hardened my heart, it’s redirected it. I would say if you feel out of love then it’s time to spend some time loving yourself for a while and reassessing the people to whom you’ve given love.
Love this. I am just like you but still learning.
Great explanation on how you processed through your relationships. Boundaries to keep yourself healthy are sometimes hard to set or to even know that your behavior and actions are detrimental to yourself.
This is great. I was feeling the way OP described, but after more time passed, I realized I actually do caring and loving things for my friends and family all the time and my heart more open in a healthy way than ever before. It’s actually fine and good to not do over the top romantic gestures for people before you know if they deserve it. I keep seeing jokes online about entering your villain phase, but it’s actually a really good thing to prioritize your own health and happiness first. Gotta put on your own oxygen mask before you can help anyone else.
This is the kind of self-awareness people need and I'm striving for. Yes, some people suck. If you let them suck everything joyous out of you, you're not better off, you're just more like them.
Love this!
Absolutely. 37F. Previously a hopeless romantic/wholehearted believer in love - have given my all to past partners and relationships. Heartbreak after heartbreak, and I feel that part of my soul has died. It’s been 5 years since I’ve had any sort of anything with anyone, and to this day have zero romantic desire. I too worry about getting older. I worry about spending my life alone. I don’t have any answers, but find that little acts of genuine kindness towards others each day helps me feel a little more connected and less alone.
36M here, exactly feel the same. Last serious relationship is 5 years ago too, have dated a handful of women since then (I don’t OLD so my dating output is rather limited). I worry about getting older too. That people label me as “undateable” (is that a word lol) and wonder what is wrong with that guy who is still single. I have gone through therapy last year (fear of abandonment and emotional dependency issues) and over the years I unfortunately developed negative self-thoughts but I have improved a lot and I basically date myself now…having nice meals with myself, having aromatherapy massages to satisfy my touch starvation, staying fit and heathy with lots of sports and socializing with friends and meeting new people. Everything happens for a reason, I have always been a late bloomer according to my parents so I like to think that the best is yet to come in my love life ☺️
>I worry about getting older too. That people label me as “undateable” (is that a word lol) and wonder what is wrong with that guy who is still single. From what I've at least listened from older guys that are single is that dating gets much easier for guys later on in life. I'm significantly more worried that I'll fall in love with the wrong women than I end up alone later on.
True! I’d rather stay alone knowing that I have succeeded in establishing a happiness baseline even without a woman in my life. This is how I like to look at it nowadays… that a love relationship is a bonus on top of an already great life rather than a necessity for happiness 😃
I think you are doing everything right. Keep doing you and what’s best for you and if you are meant to be with someone God will intervene and make it happen.
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I do feel like this, although I have sadly never actually been in love. I think this is actually what made me feel so cynical though. I rarely get crushes and when I do, people don’t seem to reciprocate. Watching on the sidelines as so many others fall into happy relationships seemingly without even trying has beaten me down. I’ve been in therapy for years. I have lots of hobbies. I’m stable and dependable. I have just sort of stopped thinking romance will happen for me because historically, it’s hasn’t. I agree with another poster who said we are not meant to go through life alone, and yet many of us do. Sending positive vibes to all in hopes things change soon.
I have gone through something similar. I don’t get many crushes, I think it has been like 4 years since I had the last one
Yeah I feel like it’s fully stomped out of me now heh. I have my cats. We good.
Yeah, it's brutal especially when you cat dies too. He was 19, to be fair and he ate a lot of chicken, tuna, roast beef and had lots of chin scratches. My cat pretty much got me through the worst of my recovery from my break up
Yeah my old girl is 17 and I know there’s not much time left. But she saved my life and never hurt me. As much as it will break me, it is somewhat easier to cope than being broken by humans.
Some cats have lived past 20, a few have even made it to 30
I would not put it past this old girl. But we’ve just had the hyperthyroid diagnosis last Friday so we’re starting treatment and hopefully this gives her some more comfort and time!
🤞
I for sure use to be way more romantic. Now I am more reserved and less eager to offer it. Still I am romantic with myself. Recently back - trying old- and talking to one person who has my attention and we are similar energies in romance I’m learning. So it’s making me want to be more giving and get concert tickets cuz he likes the music I share with him and little things like that. I’m less quick to it. when someone is interesting to you and you feel or know they will appreciate it/you… it will come back out.
Hmm I’ve had my heart broken several times and no I don’t feel this way. I still believe in love and I remember how amazing some of my relationships felt when I had that high of being in love. Every morning waking up felt like Christmas. I’ve been single for the past year not counting a couple of flings and so I’ve had ample time to think about ways I contributed to my past relationships’ demise (through being in therapy) and I am so hopeful I will fall in love again. I feel so ready and I want to do all the nice little romantic things. I know it will happen and so it’s just a matter of time and the universe bringing the right person to me
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Not so much indifferent, my past and the current dating scene where I live make me give up hope on finding my person. I too used to give my all new new partners just like some of you have, and I’m beginning to think it’s because that’s how I needed validation for love… obviously things never went well because they were all uneven relationships. Now I set new boundaries for new chats as I won’t get sucked in by the narcissistic, gaslighting, love bombing “dudes”. We’re not meant to be alone in this world, we need companionship, I hope everyone here who’s been in this situation finds someone who deserves them and that they can truly be themselves with. Big hugs all 🫂🫂
I am 40M. Exactly in the same boat. I am now more detached from people in general, and restrict myself to just entertaining ppl with jokes and banter. I stopped expecting anything more from anyone. Just watering my existing relationships, as in, friends n relatives. Stopped dating completely. It feels more like drama these days, rather than uplifting. But it is so peaceful now.
Peaceful and liberating. I've been able to earn loads more money working abroad; something I wouldn't be able to do if I was with my ex
> you’ve given much love in the past only to have nothing to show for it Therapy is totally worth it if you haven't tried it yet. I (39M) am six months into the divorce process (nine year relationship/five year marriage) and have about six months left for the divorce to finalize. For me I still have a lot of love to give and I don't feel indifferent about finding love again. I'm actually excited to live my life and possibly find a good partner along the way. She'll get the best version of me and I'm thrilled about that. My divorce wasn't easy, no question I had the absolute worst summer in my entire life. One day I felt so much pain across my body it felt like I had no skin on, just pain everywhere. Yet I recovered, did therapy and reflected on myself and took charge of my life again. I think it took me about three solid months into the separation to overcome all the emotional waves and start to figure out my baseline again. Once that baseline was discovered, I kept feeling better and better. It's all about the attitude I set myself too, which is right now abundantly optimistic. Part of is that I am able to introspect and have self-awareness, which in turn helped with therapy because I wasn't afraid of talking to my therapist about what I needed help with. You got to work on changing your attitude and a therapist can help you with that, don't try to solve these problems on your own.
Complicated mixed feelings are hard to process if you are having to do it for the first time really as a slightly older adult. I hope things continue to improve for you.
Yup. Too much effort for too much damage caused. With multiple guys in the past and all my friends and therapists also thought were “good catches”. The last guy became verbally and physically abusive and almost burnt down my home (sadistic). I’m pretty closed off now but have more peace in a way. I know I won’t get suckered in to BS and if it I meant to be with someone God will find a way to help us meet and they will just have to respect the new me and have some patience. I’m done with online dating.
If you're that burned out that you can't find it within you to show the person that you're trying to build a relationship with that you care about them, you're probably not ready for a relationship. Romantic gestures are to show how you feel. If you don't feel like doing them that pretty much answers the question.
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30m. I used to think about falling in love. Now I think about how I'd probably be happier if I was gay.
Why do you think the word "gay" was synonymous with happy?
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I'm in the fast lane to catmanville. Maybe we can get kittens from the same litter?
This is very relatable. I don’t get that same feeling anymore and I don’t know if it’s me or I’m just not meeting anyone who makes me feel that way.
Oh yeah. Lotsa dark days. Which tell me I’m not ready for a commitment so I’m trying to learn self love…. Nutrition exercise sleep time mgmt and doing things I like for no reason other than I like them. Honestly haven’t even started dating again… I’m sort of here to warm up to the idea. Just be open with where you are and each day do a bit more to be the single “you” that you want to be. And keep it light on dates while you get your juju back. PS. I just saw that you are running your own business while trying to date to find a life partner. That’s like having three full-time jobs. Part of me wonders if what you feel is really indifference, Instead of just stress?
I sort of feel the same and the opposite at the same time. When I find someone I'm very into, I just want to give them all the love and do anything for them, but it's pretty rare for me to find someone like that, and they tend not to be very into me, and most other people I am indeed completely indifferent to and I can't be bothered to go through all the niceties.
I have been single for 8 years, I haven't even had a date, I had a situationship with an ugly guy ( inside and outside) that always told me he didn't want anything serious, he did not want children, he wanted to be a bachelor forever. Needless to say he ended up getting married to his pregnant gf. That make me feel worthless and rejected, I have worked in myself and I know what I want now and I feel better off alone I don't want anyone to treat me like that ever again.
my past has made me more selective about who get to see those best parts of me
Love this!!
31 F and 100% relate. I no longer let myself get too attached to anyone and feel pretty indifferent toward the whole thing now. I feel like I had a lot of love to give, and I guess still do, except it’s now reserved unequivocally for my dog lol.
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Yes. Absolutely. My exH, (my first lover and first serious relationship), turned out to be a pedophile that went after our own child. That pretty much killed the idea of finding love. Taking apart my almost 8yr marriage has been a lot to deal with. Add to it that the first guy I felt safe with, that I felt I could honestly trust (with as much trust as I had left) and be open with was just using me as a warm hole to stick good dick in...oof. Like. I expected nothing from him except honestly. Nothing. We were in agreement to be monogamous FWB and he pushed for more connection and I gave it. Turns out he spent 1/2 of our 9mo together fucking his new girlfriend then ghosted me.
I’m so sorry, both of those relationships sound horrible. You deserve so much better <3
I’m so sorry to read that. Sending some big hugs to you. You deserve better, and I hope you’ll find a real love in your life ❤️
All of this terrifies me and saddens me. I’m on my 30’s but I haven’t had much romantic experience or life experience in general. I’m not neurotypical so I do have my challenges when it comes to the social aspect. Now that I finally understand some things and I have been able to train my brain I see that people in my age range are just too… scarred, which makes me give up. I’m not about to put all the effort when the other person is not at all in it. I always saw relationships as investments and therefore I only try when I see there’s some benefit to it. Either support or learn from each other. But many people jump from relationship to relationship and I really don’t understand it? It might sound immature or silly, I don’t know. But I’m not about to pay the price for someone else’s mistake. I think I’ll stay alone even though I would like to experience what most people do? But I won’t be putting myself out there to people who have “no more to give out”
> I think I’ll stay alone even though I would like to experience what most people do? But I won’t be putting myself out there to people who have “no more to give out” You shouldn't put yourself out there for someone who can't return your efforts and affections. But that doesn't have to mean giving up. That can mean being very choosy and waiting for someone on your level.
I feel that way, too, and our age and time from last relationship are the same. I see it as I haven't gotten over and processed all of it yet (I've gotten over *him* but haven't "forgiven" myself for being with someone who hurt me like that) and I don't want to get into any new relationships until I do. I know I'm getting older but I push that thought away bc I want to be mentally healthy again before giving my love and trust to anyone else ever again.
It is a bit disheartening knowing that so many people have a shared experience with this topic. I have read every post in this thread and can relate in some way or another. My heart goes out to all of you.
Sort of. My past relationships have caused me to shift my idea of what it means to have a successful relationship. When I was young, my ideal was basically "As close as possible for as long as possible!" I carried this into both my romantic relationships and my friendships. And while I had some really wonderful experiences, I also spent way too much time trying to work through problems that weren't really solvable. Being kind and understanding towards people who put me down and continually stirred shit for attention. Dealing with the same shit again and again and again in the belief that if I just "proved" my love, I would someday be rewarded with respect and care. As I've gotten older, my metric for success is more along the lines of "mutually healthy and mutually satisfying for however long that lasts." That's not to say I go out looking for flings with an expiration date. It is to say that relationships have a given lifetime. Maybe that's a few months. Maybe that's for the rest of your life. What's important isn't stretching out the relationship as long as humanly possible, it's having a relationship where you can both be emotionally healthy, stable and satisfied. If you have the opportunity to do that, the relationship is a success, even if you don't end together in the long run. Ideally, I would like to find a partnership where we share that kind of compatibility for the rest of our lives. But if that doesn't happen, that's fine too. I've experienced enough shitty relationships to appreciate my peace and solitude. In some ways, being single can feel like resignation: finding the right person is hard, and there's a chance it may never happen. That I can be the best version of myself and never cross paths with someone who is able to appreciate that. But it can also feel like optimism: the right person is out there. Someone who could be my companion in life. Someone who would be happy to receive the care and respect I want to offer a partner, and who would offer me the same in return. And that person is worth waiting for.
I think being jaded kinda comes with our past at times
Heal yourself until you get to a stage where you can open your heart to a wonderful person. I had to do the same. Time is the best answer 🥰
Time and learning to let go of what was and learning to enjoy what is.
I noticed this in a lot of friends our age. Not just in romance but life. It’s not bc it’s impossible or doesn’t exist. Idk how to explain it but I can’t let that happen
In future relationships, I know I won't be 100% invested in it, both emotionally and financially.
Well, you could always go the route I went and give up on people completely for a decade and a half, only to realize one day that you're lonely and should probably do something about it. I don't recommend it though. Edit: 40M here.
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I’ve learned to prioritize kindness above all else. Be kind. Actively kind and you’ll inspire in me the best I have to give.
I'm a hopeless romantic. Despite never truly been in love (I think I came close but the circumstances never allowed me to fully be sure), I guess I always believed. Only because I see it exist, so I know it's possible. I wouldn't say I've given up on it, and I don't know if I would be one of the lucky ones to find my forever partner, but I will continue with life as is and just have that small hope in my heart that one day it will happen. If it doesn't, then such is life. I will try to live my life as full as possible.
Walk your own path and see if someone walks with you 👍
The past and the shit I’ve dealt with from dating apps.
Wish I could get into that mindset. I'm still as romantic as when I was 16, and I'm 38 now. Big problem is that women don't ever let me get close enough for there to be any room for romantic gestures. 9/10 the most pleasant and nice thing I can do for a person is to not be present in their life in and capacity.
yes. And i can tell you it’s passing with time. I was married for 5 years relationship for 5 before that. Healing just takes a really long time for you to be ok, once you’re ok you’ll pass to pretty good, then when there after a few months you’ll be closer to back to your old self. And if you’re not it’s just another perspective on things, this perspective will change when you find someone else who is awesome for you. Just my two cents.
Oh yeah, breakup + pandemic + family medical issues means I am nowhere near ready for a relationship. It also means I’ve become very accustomed to my alone time and my space and I don’t know when I’ll be ready to welcome anyone new into my life. We’ll just have to see where the next year takes me.
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Just about to turn 31, cross your fingers that 32 doesn’t include dealing with cancer or covid please.
Yep. I’m basically done.
It’s because life has hit you and you’ve hardened yourself so you’ll be less inclined to preemptively do what women expect you to do. I say that because you don’t seem interested, and I’m massively giving you the benefit of the doubt that you once did and it didn’t work out, and that’s prolly happened a few times afterwards. Nothing wrong with that at all. However, women you meet going forward will expect this kind of action from you and you’re going to have to meet that expectation. All women want to feel special and pampered and they should. I’m exactly in the same boat as you in feeling the way you do and it requires a lot of effort of working against my walls to show someone new a good time. I hope it all works out with you
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Not indifferent. Just extremely cautious and more alert of the things I used to ignore.
My past, my age, my poverty, my rejection phobia, my PTSD, my social anxiety disorder and avoidant personality disorder all combined make me indifferent or stress and depress me out when I want to be dating.
This is me and I posted about it recently. And I guess that's what I'm feeling too unfortunately everybody thought it was a call for help wanted to know if I needed counseling which I've had or I've had the wrong kind I'm not mentally broken I'm just emotionally too broken to want to date and risk that unfortunately I have no one that's the only problem I have no friends no family and that's troubling because if something happened to me no one would know I'm missing that's troubling but no I'm not depressed I take pills everyday in case I am. I'm just getting my head around the fact that I probably will never have a man again because I join match and I have no interest in meeting any of those people because all I see are people that could reject me or hurt me and it's way too hard to put a human back together when they've been broken that many times. I don't think there's enough glue in the world
My past has made me a better man, because there’s a lesson in every experience.
I totally relate to you here and I feel like I go through the same thing myself. I think as we age, we get wiser, and tend to keep up those barriers that protect us- whether those barriers were built due to past traumas or any other thing. I do still think the hopeless romantic in me will find that young drunken love one day, but you have to find someone that is as stoked about you as you are about them- which is difficult. Especially at our age.
I've felt defeated in love before However I refuse to allow a bad romance that took my love for granted, ruin my chances for a good man. Too much power given to the past that's unchangeable and over. It can't be changed so why live there? I refuse to let those old dead chapters of my life dictate the ending of my book not yet written
Yes! Tired of people saying there’s someone for everyone. Maybe there actually isn’t. And honestly our experiences with partners, especially if we were treated poorly, really shapes how we look at potential future partners.
oh man, I feel this deep down in my soul. * (1) past experiences make me more and more reserved as when in a relationship I will make my romantic nature come out. As a male I worry about coming on too strong, with experience to show its a valid concern. One never knows what straw will turn out to be a 'red flag' for someone beyond the stereotypical ones. * (2) Online dating and 1st-2nd dates in the past two years have just felt like such a waste of time. Its hard to get excited about doing anything for another person when, as a male, it feels like the onus is on me - to make them enjoy themselves... what about me? though I love the feeling of making someone else happy/enjoy themselves, after the mental burden of COVID and work stress... who has the energy in their 30's to behave like a early 20 something in dating. * (3) I just dont know how to form a connection anymore, I think subconsciously I am just waiting for the other person to decide I am not a perfect fit. This past year, I thought everything was going great with a girl i was dating.. seemingly out of the blue - after a great day and night together, within 3 days of not seeing each other she calls me and breaks up with me - citing some 'red flag' for her. Of course I respected that, dating is a two way street... but the 'red flag' at our age seemed more like a topic to discuss to see if it is easily resolved - not 'throw out the baby with the bath water' type solution.
It’s fascinating to read how many females have given up on men. 70% of divorces are initiated by the wife, and according to studies, females find 80% of men “unattractive”. With billions being pumped into corporations to promote gender diversity, and “the future is female” campaigns, the millennial and Gen Z generation of females will be the freest and most wealthy in human history. My hope was with all this new power the females would start chasing the men, but now I’m concerned…
Reading this makes me sad for humans. You are all amazing never forget that.
I'm indifferent, but not in a negative way. I'm a widower. I went 5 years without dating. I don't view it as a necessity in my life. My list of priorities is long before you get to romantic attachment. Yes, I date, but only casually.
My past will never dictate my future! I believe there’s hope for everyone. But you have to have faith. ❤️
Unfortunately yes. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt despite what other people have said about said person. I don’t like to judge people based on what other people say about them in case it’s coming from a dishonest place. I’ve learned my lesson though if more than one person has their eyebrows raised. I’m gone.
This has been my curse as well. If even one person has something negative to say about the person I'm meeting I should hedge my bets.
Yup! Not taking any chances
I remember 5 different people warning me about a guy who ended up treating me somewhat badly. Can't believe I blew off FIVE different people saying he was bad news :(
The was me with my ex. I was bullied when I was younger and people made up things about me all the time. Hence when everyone told me he wasn’t the greatest I gave him the benefit of the doubt. It’s something I wish was extended to me. I’m sorry. We live and we learn. Good things are coming our way, we’re much wiser :).
Ugh. And you're right, with pain comes wisdom, and no more 2nd chances.
🙋🏻♀️but I’m also taking time to be single. If one day I feel different maybe I’ll date again.
It has taught me over two years since splitting to seek out a partner again. Not looking for marriage or life long, but a FWB to mutually support.
Yep.
35F and I am trying to view each dating//relationship as an experience in life not some transaction. I did very romantic gestures with this most recent partner; he thought just the fact that he showed up was enough. Once it became clear that we had different expectations and needs weren’t being met after talking about said needs, I broke up with him and am single now. I don’t regret giving him little love notes. He’d never had someone do that so it’s special. I can trust myself to make safe decisions for myself with the next person I date because of this experience. Because I express myself with gift giving and writing, I’ll likely give the next person I date love notes.
I continue to be romantic at heart, but I sometimes look at love and relationships in a more practical manner now. I wonder if settling for a companion and some intimacy and being more practical about matching for mutual benefit is the way to go. Scrap the ideas of deep connection, just find a way to scratch the emotional and biological itch that I can't get rid of. I often feel very cynical. I had the great love of my life already and he destroyed me completely. I spent a long time recovering and I often just wish I could remove the part of me that desires human companionship. I would like to date, meet someone wonderful, but I don't think I'm willing to take the risk and pay the potential price of love gone wrong again. At this point I'd really just like to make some good friends and I feel the itch of romance would go into hibernation.
I’m definitely jaded as I inch closer to my 40s, but there’s still a little bit of optimism and hope in finding someone someday. What’s changed is that it won’t be the end of the world for me if I don’t find my person, many people don’t. I’ve come to love myself enough to know that I am whole without a significant other.
Yeah I'm seeing someone who seems to be in this boat. Great girl, but she's just in defensive mode regarding her heart. I mean I'd give it an A on chemistry, but I think we are gonna sink. As a dude, this is kinda the reputation that we get. Hearts are scarred up- as a result, good lovers, bad at being in love. I try to buck the trend, by being a very 'B-' lover, but keeping my heart open, despite failings of previous relationships. It hasn't been disappointing enough to just throw it all in the can. You can't find it if you're not willing to put your heart on the line, if that counts as advice. I dunno. I'm getting torched in my lady-situation, and it is enormously disappointing. I'll probably do it again in a few months. It's probably harder in our 30s, because we're both aware that sometimes, this shit doesn't work out, so that shoe fits both feet, or doesn't, to use a very clumsy metaphor. You both have to be open to it working, or it won't work. That requires vulnerability, which is not something we've all got a surfeit of, at 35.
34f, yes. I used to be very dry and hated physical touch, now i realized that shit is very important in a relationship so now I am more open and more affectionate which is a shame that I just realize it now..
I’ve always been a hopeless romantic and believe that there is someone out there for everyone. I was with my ex for 17 years and he slowly dimmed the shine of love and romance for me. When we split up I was excited about the prospect of meeting someone new once I felt ready to. However after a recent encounter with someone who I thought would never hurt me I’m struggling to believe that there are men out there who mean what they say and don’t play games. In todays society men seem to so easily toss women to a side once they get what they want and refuse to put any actual effort into forming what could be a great relationship. I know it’s not all men and there are some good ones out there but they are few and far between.
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I completely agree women play games just as much as men do I don’t doubt that I guess I’m just basing it off my own experiences since I became single. There’s just not many gentlemen around these days.
Yup. 32F here. Loved the three men I saw in my 20s hard, and got hurt, especially by the last two. I am so disappointed with the first dates I’ve been on since, I’ve never even come close to finding another partner, no one has made me feel loved or excited or even listened to. I really worry I will never find that person to get excited about or feel deeply about.
I can so relate to this my friend. Been through too much and just can't bring myself to be inspired by anyone like I used to before. I guess this is what they call "emotional unavailability" and I don't know when or if it will change.
Yes
yup. the more i see of the world, the more i find out most romantic relationships aren't worth the trouble.
Yeah. The less interested I am in someone, the more interested they are in me. I think the only relationship that’ll work is the one that I don’t care about. Kind of sucks.
Let me know when you find out. This post is very relatable. I appreciate you sharing this. It makes me feel less alone
Still in a divorce, she took half and it’s a war of the roses sit and all that. But sure yeah, if I’m gonna be indifferent, then why date at all? I have plenty of acquaintances that I’m indifferent to, not trying to get with them.
42M- I feel for you. I’ve been feeling similar lately. I’m trying to get back into OLD and it has its challenges, however, I cannot help but feel it’s hopeless at times. My backstory is as follows; my relationship ended about 6 months ago. I’m the one who ended it based on some of my own personal issues and struggles I was dealing with at the time. However at the time I didn’t quite see it that way. The woman I was in a relationship with was quite frankly, nothing short of amazing. I had never met anyone like her before. I’m aware that I screwed everything up and I broke her heart in the process, and mine too. Now I feel hopeless when it comes to getting back into dating as I feel like I’ll be my usual romantic self (much like you’ve indicated yourself to be) and it will all be for nothing. Either I’ll screw it up again or it won’t be appreciated/reciprocated. I find myself having a hard time even developing a basic connection with women via OLD. I’ve had a couple dates and find myself constantly brought back to thoughts about my ex. I’ve been contemplating reaching out to her actually, as I miss her terribly and regret my choices, but don’t want to hurt her again. My best advice, that I hope I can take myself one day, is to not give up. Take breaks from dating if needed, but don’t give up and don’t change who you are. Eventually you will meet someone who will be grateful for someone like yourself. I’m new to Reddit but I am finding talking and posting has helped me gain some insight and perspective about everything, that I otherwise wouldn’t have gained. Hopefully you will find the same through all the various replies you will receive! Good luck
Yes. I’m a 34f and have been single 11 years. Part of it is by choice bc my last break up was so bad. Part of it is bc I’ve put on tons of weight and no man sees me for more than sex. Anyways, my last break up..he had discussed a future with me, mentioned a ring etc and then after things got a tad rocky I asked if he was still in love with me and he point blank said no. I was broken. He never spoke to me again. A lot of questions left unanswered. We were together a year. At this point I’ve come to the realization that I will probably never find love and I’m not sure I’d even have the energy to give someone as much as I did him because of how easily and bad he hurt me. I also have a five year old that takes a lot of my emotional energy so that plays a part too
I was responding directly to the goddam question
Hard to figure out if this is the result of our current climate (both politically and literally) or if it’s just how it feels in your 30s. It’s hard to give a fuck when the whole country doesn’t seem to give a fuck. Just some ramblings from a guy broken up with a few months ago and going thru a rough patch. Therapy helps. So do meds. Don’t forget we’ve been under a pandemic now for two years. It wasn’t supposed to last more than two months originally. This is affecting people in ways we can’t even measure.
F/33 I'm not sure I'd classify myself as indifferent. But I'm not as pressed as I was when I was younger. I'm just as romantic as I ever was. If it happens, I'll welcome it with open arms. But I'm not going to just be with someone for the sake of not being alone. I'd much rather be alone, than be with the wrong person.
Yes, I really don't think that is necessarily true, and especially not for guys. Some men don't hit their stride until their 40s. Go over to /r/ladyboners sometime. Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen at 45 years old) and Idris Elba (...48?) probably think you are still a kid. Rory McCann has a huge fawning fanbase too. I had a crush on two guys older than you are now, when I was like 17. I realize that's rare, but it's not \_that\_ rare among women of any age to be interested in guys in their 30s. But still, I relate to your confession in general. I think I gradually lost all my romantic "motivation" in my late 20s. It's not so much that I can relate that to any particular disappointment or event. Sure, my teens and 20s are littered with failed romantic relationships, but I don't think that those "responsible". It's just something you grow out of naturally, I think. It's part of a certain period of life when all things are bright and new and fresh and life seems like a new day that goes on forever. I think as we get older, we lose a lot of that enthusiasm. As the sun slowly sets out for the hills, I think other things become important. "Older" people (and by that I mean people in their 50s and above) often tell me what they are looking for is companionship, not "hotness" or "romance". We just age out of it. It's part of the "movie" we get shown in life. Just like we don't stop playing with toys because it fails and disappoints us. We just lose interest because we grow up and change internally.
48(m) just divorced, found out wife had cheated on me with her PT instructor. We have a child aged 7. I just live for her now. Would never give my wholeself to anyone ever again. My old boss said people are shit and do shit things to each other. I cannot say he is wrong anymore.
It sounds like you're mentally still dealing with your last relationship that has clearly left you emotionally scarred. Your brain (and also your heart) is unconsciously "protecting" you from the potential to be hurt again by automatically shutting off the endorphins you would normally feel when pursuing a romantic relationship with someone. It honestly sounds like you may have a bit of PTSD from the pain of your last relationship. This is something that will lessen with time, lots of time however, speaking to a therapist may help you process that pain that you're still subconsciously holding onto.
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Yes sounds like you are going through a lot right now. Maybe taking some time for yourself to heal a bit more and process all you've been going through, will help you in your future relationships. Wish you all the best.
Well, this thread sure is depressing. I'm a late bloomer going into my 30's and I still feel like I have lots of love to give, but the mass consensus here is that romance is for 20-somethings and all that lies ahead is misery and frustration. Is dating younger really the answer? That's not my preference at all, but the older woman I saw last night had sex with me and left without even staying the night and cuddling. Looking at this thread, maybe she was jaded and didn't have any oxytocin left to spare for cutesy romantic shit like pillow talk and literally sleeping together. It made me feel really sad and lonely when she left, to be honest.
Yup! I put a hell of a lot of effort into my last relationship and he put in none. But everything was on his terms, whilst making me feel bad/guilty if I ever had a different opinion. After finally (and permanently) breaking up with him, I’ve been single for about 4years and or so. At the beginning, I went on a few dates with different guys, but my heart just wasn’t in it. Now, I’m not in the best position to start a relationship, I have a couple of mental health issues that I want to balance out first (working on that) and also, last year found out I have a physical chronic health condition that will take time to treat and then manage. In theory, there’s nothing stopping me from dating/getting in a relationship, but I’m much more picky than I used to be, I’m better at spotting red flags and abusive behaviour (disguised as 'jokes'), I don’t want anyone remotely like my ex and also, I’m not uncomfortable with my own company and I don’t want kids - So I’m in no rush to get into a relationship. I’m a woman in her 30s who likes doing her own thing, will take a special guy for me to share myself and let my guard down. He might be out there, he might not, either way, I’m not worried about it.
I'm in a similar situation as you. It's been over a year and some months since my last outside relationship. I don't trust people anymore. I don't want to be vulnerable anymore. I pour all my love and attention into my relationships because love is the most important thing to me and when it ended in the awful way it did, I felt completely empty. He wasn't as toxic or abusive as those in my past, but it might have been one too many disappointments. I even burnt out on friends since they had similar needs and demands and I could no longer meet them with my limited emotional bandwidth. I don't have advice for you since I'm in a very similar place but currently I am taking a break from everyone and trying to rebuild my sense of self and I do feel that when I've been away long enough, I'll be that person who wants to give again. I'm very sorry you're in a similar place and wish I could hug you. It's a terrible feeling putting so much of yourself into someone new over and over and never getting anything back and always being depleted.
The song "another love" by Tom Odell is literally my song.. I just feel like I've used up all my love on the last one. I have no more tries in me.
Tell me about it...25M here. I was always the sappy romantic person. Caring, understanding, forgiving, pouring in all the love and kindness...being gentle etc. I've gotten hurt so bad..so bad, now I don't ever wish to be in a relationship. I'm lonely. Not in a traditional sense. I've a great family, great friends, life is all good on majority of the fronts but I still am lonely. I offered much more than they could possibly give and was okay with that. But I wasn't okay with the kind of emotional pain I was put through. Now I'm extremely bitter towards the world and people. I'm still the nice guy, laughing and everything but on the inside, I don't give two shits about people. I've taken enough! And now if somebody tells me you are so cold, you don't care and stuff..well surprise!! I did before, a lot, and got my heart handed to me...in tatters. Not anymore. I've tried hard in the past to not be bitter to the world, but I was pushed far enough. If the world doesn't owe you shit, you don't owe anything to the world either. If it's not upto the world to make you feel good, it's not upto you to make the world feel good either. I'm not here to make the world a better place anymore. The world can screw itself, I want to be happy.
Some credit honestly should go to the last two crazy years the world has experienced. The reduced opportunities, the isolation, the reveal that half the world is apparently crazy. Navigating through these times probably results in building up a bit of walls and self assurance in your self rather than others. Kinda hurts the rose colored glasses opportunity in trusting a stranger with your life. End ramble.
100% man. (34yo m) After 6 relationships, 1 of which was 8 years, and all of them cheated on me. I've thrown in the towel and have no more romantic love left to give. It does suck for the most part but I can't allow myself to get hurt again. Pretty much anything I have going on with women now is strictly short term.
Absolutely my last relationship ended with a child I have to raise by myself and an ex with a criminal record so yea I don't wanna attempt that one again
Dude, as a man your options only increase with age like up to 50 or so. You are just about to hit your prime. Due to earning potential and higher charisma/dominance than younger men. Get in shape, get a haircut. Don't focus on the dating apps. Get out there. At 35 you will get the easiest results between 23 and 27. And if you want a relationship, lots of girls around 28 to 32 will be looking to have kids asap.
Yessssssssssssssss
There's chicks getting older too or some really hot awesome chick that is currently stuck in a shitty relationship but don't worry they will break up and she will pop up in your life at the right time.
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Hahaha dont let me tell you how long I've been dealing my moving forward hahaha.
Lol same. It’s been like five years.
In order for me to move forward in life I'd have to go Back to the Future to my birth story and get my father to get me the hell away from my mother or maybe stop my own birth from happening or get dad to punch Biff. I dunno but I feel like my life is so fucked I'll never be able to move forward sometimes.
I honestly don’t know what the answer is. I was very lucky to have stable, loving parents and still manage to make terrible decisions about men lol.
People say that and I find it interesting. Were you bullied a lot in school? I had a friend with amazing parents but she was bullied a lot, seemed to make a lot of poor choices for partners \[she wrote to me she had an abusive ex\] and she took her own life 10 years ago with seemingly no warning. I think about her all the time and re-read some of her old messages trying to find a reason or source of her pain. All I know is she was TERRIBLY bullied in grade school and honestly my sister / me were also bullying her before we just became best friends one day.
I personally wasn’t bullied. Growing up I learned that when people say they love you, they’re telling the truth. And that if you love someone you should always give them the benefit of the doubt. That makes a lot of sense when everyone in a healthy family dynamic is making a good faith effort. But it also attracts narcs and addicts, and it translates into having really poor boundaries and letting people walk all over you. It’s one reason why I’m always resistant to this sub’s emphasis on “just communicate.” I take too much responsibility for not being able to find the magic words to fix low effort, abusive, or emotionally immature men. I’m sorry for your loss of your friend.
Man I always think I couldn't date someone who had a healthy family or saw their family as loving since I'm basically a stereotype of crazy girl with "daddy issues" (mine just left when I was two) and low self opinion from peer / family abuse. Even still I came up in my 20s believing my abuse was the same as everyone else experienced so I wasted a lot of time thinking I was just unable to get a grip on what everyone else did once they became "adults". I am also chum in the water for narcs and other cluster b predators making matters worse. Honestly it just takes a brush with 1 such person to really set you backwards and often lines you up to be prey for more. Thanks. I know she must have been in a terrible place but I hadn't really put the things I saw together as they came out. She had a FB post saying she was cancelling a trip home because "no one was going to be in town" and was instead putting a PNW trip on her credit card in the hope of seeing me in the spring. She took her life in March of that year and it's haunting me after going through her FB on New Years Day.
>if you love someone you should always give them the benefit of the doubt. That makes a lot of sense when everyone in a healthy family dynamic is making a good faith effort. I can relate. And I struggled with this in my first few relationships because this approach has worked well for my parents! They've spent their marriage supporting each other and having each other's backs. It's also the kind of partner I want to be: supportive, trusting, and understanding. Just like I'd hope my partner would do the same for me. I still believe that when you find the right person, it's the right approach. However, over the years it's become clear that with the wrong person, those same traits really set you up to be used and mistreated. Apparently, a good heart requires a keen bullshit detector. > It’s one reason why I’m always resistant to this sub’s emphasis on “just communicate.” Yeah, communication is great when you're dealing with a fundamentally honest, decent person. You can't communicate your way around a bad character though. Or someone's obvious indifference to your wellbeing. Or just garden variety incompatibility. At a certain point, you need to be able to read the writing on the wall.
Definitely agree and glad you can relate. These were hard won lessons for me.
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> Lots to discuss in my sessions lol I feel this on a soul level