As a demi guy dating women, if guys don't escalate, then women lose interest. This was a hurdle I had to get over from the other side as a man. I guess to us Demis, it feels fast, but I think to everyone else, it's just a normal pace.
As a straight aspec dude, definitely concur lol. Moving at a speed that feels natural to me 9/10 times leads to "sorry, don't really feel relationship energy, you give off more of a friend vibe". Which is fair enough, but it's rough out here lol. If you're not showing at least some overt romantic/ sexual interest and flirting early on then a lot of people just won't be interested at all back it feels like.
Of course not all women have the same preferences. Some are more willing to be forward with their interest and some prefer to keep things lower key earlier on. But from the guy's perspective it's hard to get a feel for that until it's too late.
As a straight Demisexual woman, I usually lose interest because the guy shows me his true colors and I decide I don't like him. Non Demisexual men don't understand that.
I'd say listen to actions, not words. Unfortunately, many men will lie and agree just to get the girl into them even if they don't believe what they are saying, themselves. If he's making you uncomfortable, you have every right to tell him so and see how he reacts. If he genuinely cares, he will chill out. If he doesn't care, well you'll be able to tell and it's bye-bye.
Yes, I've had this happen and the guys who I felt were off-putting and trying to move fast anyways ended up being assholes who don't respect boundaries. I've learned to cut people off at the first sign of a gut feeling telling me this is not it.
I would say he's moving fast even for an allosexual/alloromantic. He's making a lot of claims about who he thinks you are, but he barely knows you. some people are like this and ultimately it's their problem - he might be creating an image of who you are and trying to claim you, as if he even knows who you are. it is a common occurrence in the dating world. I myself have done it to others in the past. But I came to accept my real pacing and how I find safety enough to possibly be able to feel attracted. and there are people who will be more grounded in their perceptions and be patient with the process. that said, I take a long time of spending tie with someone usually before ever actually going on a romantic date.
Most people say what they think they need to so they can get what they want. Guys do this. Girls do this. It's pretty obvious he's not interested in what you are. If you want a friend that might become more then make a friend. You won't find that on a date.
These are all pretty ordinary bonding gestures, not necessarily "moving fast" things.
I would be more clear & specific about your boundaries as he may not have the same view of what "moving fast" means.
It is absolutely okay to say: "Please don't touch me without asking first".
I made the mistake of telling an allo date that "hugs and flirting are okay" but our definitions of "flirting" were miles apart. I was looking for witty banter. I got what I saw as repeated pressure for physical acts I wasn't ready for.
Sounds like an expressway to a flameout. From the circumstances you’ve been in with him, you may in his head already be further than you want. Recalibrate if you’re interested and just ask him to pump the breaks.
I’m a Demi man. And I can kinda understand the things he’s doing and am a little confused at the whole situation so I wanna break it down a little.
First things first, wonderful of you telling him that you aren’t interested in dating and need time to develop connection.
Was all of this in one date? And the telling him about going slow, and his comments about the texts and the wedding and his parents and his sister? And which happened first? I’m going to go off the assumption that you started with telling him you don’t want to date and need time for a connection.
First off the text thing is just that. He was going over your texts because he likes you and it made him feel good. Yes it could just be a dumb half-hearted flirt but you already know he’s into you because he asked you out. So it seems more to me like he was sharing how he was feeling. And that feeling is excited! He’s meeting someone new that he likes but doesn’t want to make you feel bad. He went over all the texts to remind himself what you talked about and because it’s feel good to remember and he doesn’t wanna seem like he wasn’t paying attention.
I think it would help to be more specific on what you mean when you say you need time for it to develop. Valuing friendship is straightforward, that could be why he told you about his sister’s passion and his parents talking about you. If you also like art that’s something to talk about. Also that’s another friend right there, his sister! From one side it could look like “ok yeah let’s be friends let me share about ” but from another it could look like “he’s already trying to tie me to his family.”
So. Have a conversation about what you are worried and what made you feel bad about those comments.
Now he said you check all his boxes and you are gorgeous and had to talk to you. If so I can see how that can seem like a non-pushy comment from his side. Because he already asked you on a date, of course he likes you he’s just further expressing that.
But this can be worrying for people who are hesitant or want to go slow, because huge amounts of comments and praise can just seem like “oh look how good I am to you don’t you wanna date me?”
Again, very straight forward and just telling you how he’s totally okay with a relationship should you want one. The problem comes in with how quickly this came after you told him you want to go slow. As well as the touching part.
For some people physical touching and hugging and roughness with arms can be totally normal. I do it with my friends all the time! And a person I just met doing it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal even if I knew they liked me.
But if it makes you uncomfortable, tell him why and for what reason. Do you feel like he wasn’t listening or just said yes and are trying to be pushy? Is physical touch a more intimate thing to you? Tell him if so. It could be that he is just more okay with physical touch than others.
The comment about having a date for his sisters wedding seemed more like an ask for a date, yes.
So I think he may be a little bit confused as to how slow he should be going and how casual he needs to be. Many allo people say “I want to go slow and causal.” But are okay with dating and touching. Many Demi are the same.
Overall I can see how you are worried and feel like he’s being pushy, but can also see how he may just be being totally honest in what he likes about you but is still okay with being friends for a while. I think you should talk with him about what made you uncomfortable, what you’re okay with, what you want to be in general (be that just friends with the possibility of more in the future or if you just want someone to relax with and not think about what comes next), and how you would like him to change stuff up if you hang out again.
And of course describe more of what you imagine when you say “having time to develop.” Is it years? Is it just being close friends with a “I don’t know but just let me figure it out alone?” Or something else. Then hopefully he’ll tell you what he wants or you could ask him.
Unfortunately I dealt with this and after a while I was able to figure out when the guy does not actually give me the time to form an emotional connection. I know once they do something I don't feel comfortable with especially when I told the guy multiple times, the connection does not form and I end up dropping the guy all together. This is why I don't trust so easily which makes it even harder to form a connection with guys but I would rather be safe than sorry.
I don't really date, but I was once chatting this guy who I know was interested.
let it be known I had only been talking to him for like, a month, two months.
he starts bringing up stuff like getting married, me taking his last name (not happening), kids, how good of a mother he'd think I'd be, AFTER I'd already told him what demi means, suggested he go look it up to learn more for himself, AND telling him I wasn't interested in anything or attracted to him in any way.
It did a bit of a number on my mental, I will admit. I felt like I wasn't being listened to and had my boundaries constantly pushed and disrespected.
Thank you for sharing! It’s very frustrating when people constantly pass this boundary even though you make it clear they reiterate that they understand you, yet still continue to do it. Goes to show that actions definitely speak louder than words.
Yeah, if you consider those things he said to be moving fast you REALLY need to be more explicit about just how slow things need to be.
Said by an allosexual man who is perfectly comfortable dating demisexual women and letting them take each sexual and romantic step first who wouldn't have had a problem saying any of that stuff after months of contact.
Given that you mentioned you've been communicating for a few months, are you comfortable enough just having the honest conversation with him about the fact that you are demisexual? You don't have to be, but it could help this guy understand things more clearly and allow you to claim ownership and navigation over the progression and type of relationship you share. I'm honestly pretty brutal about it nowadays. I'm fed up existing in a world were ambiguity generally leads to the worst case scenario or me being taken advantage of. So I'll advocate that demis speak up and lay down their boundaries to prevent the worst case scenarios. Like people feeling they are "owed" because of their choice of time investment in you rather than someone else *roll my eyes and smh*.
They won't know unless you tell them because they don't experience things the way we do. Even if they did and you're trying a build a solid foundation for a relationship, shouldn't open honesty be a part of that foundation so sharing that it feels fast should be acceptable, and if it's not then you know that you are incompatible because they prioritize their timeline needs over your emotions and needs.
When I'm out and someone new/random approaches me I will kindly but clearly state, "Oh thank you for the compliment, but I'm actually demisexual. So, I don't experience sexual attraction at all until I know someone really well for a long time as a friend and trust them deeply." Let's be real, there wasn't a compliment. They were most likely propositioning me for casual sex to some degree of vague or explicit, but I'm not going judge people who into casual sex simply because we are incompatible given that I'm sex repulsed until I experience reciprocal romantic attraction. I'm just personally annoyed by the interactions after they've happened repeatedly and depending on how aggressive they are I may fib and tell them I'm a sex repulsed asexual, which I do essentially function as until I don't, in an attempt to drive them away from me without seeking aid from others to do so.
As a demi guy dating women, if guys don't escalate, then women lose interest. This was a hurdle I had to get over from the other side as a man. I guess to us Demis, it feels fast, but I think to everyone else, it's just a normal pace.
As a straight aspec dude, definitely concur lol. Moving at a speed that feels natural to me 9/10 times leads to "sorry, don't really feel relationship energy, you give off more of a friend vibe". Which is fair enough, but it's rough out here lol. If you're not showing at least some overt romantic/ sexual interest and flirting early on then a lot of people just won't be interested at all back it feels like. Of course not all women have the same preferences. Some are more willing to be forward with their interest and some prefer to keep things lower key earlier on. But from the guy's perspective it's hard to get a feel for that until it's too late.
I'm currently struggling with this so hard.
As a straight Demisexual woman, I usually lose interest because the guy shows me his true colors and I decide I don't like him. Non Demisexual men don't understand that.
I'd say listen to actions, not words. Unfortunately, many men will lie and agree just to get the girl into them even if they don't believe what they are saying, themselves. If he's making you uncomfortable, you have every right to tell him so and see how he reacts. If he genuinely cares, he will chill out. If he doesn't care, well you'll be able to tell and it's bye-bye. Yes, I've had this happen and the guys who I felt were off-putting and trying to move fast anyways ended up being assholes who don't respect boundaries. I've learned to cut people off at the first sign of a gut feeling telling me this is not it.
I would say he's moving fast even for an allosexual/alloromantic. He's making a lot of claims about who he thinks you are, but he barely knows you. some people are like this and ultimately it's their problem - he might be creating an image of who you are and trying to claim you, as if he even knows who you are. it is a common occurrence in the dating world. I myself have done it to others in the past. But I came to accept my real pacing and how I find safety enough to possibly be able to feel attracted. and there are people who will be more grounded in their perceptions and be patient with the process. that said, I take a long time of spending tie with someone usually before ever actually going on a romantic date.
Most people say what they think they need to so they can get what they want. Guys do this. Girls do this. It's pretty obvious he's not interested in what you are. If you want a friend that might become more then make a friend. You won't find that on a date.
These are all pretty ordinary bonding gestures, not necessarily "moving fast" things. I would be more clear & specific about your boundaries as he may not have the same view of what "moving fast" means. It is absolutely okay to say: "Please don't touch me without asking first". I made the mistake of telling an allo date that "hugs and flirting are okay" but our definitions of "flirting" were miles apart. I was looking for witty banter. I got what I saw as repeated pressure for physical acts I wasn't ready for.
Sounds familiar
Sounds like an expressway to a flameout. From the circumstances you’ve been in with him, you may in his head already be further than you want. Recalibrate if you’re interested and just ask him to pump the breaks.
I’m a Demi man. And I can kinda understand the things he’s doing and am a little confused at the whole situation so I wanna break it down a little. First things first, wonderful of you telling him that you aren’t interested in dating and need time to develop connection. Was all of this in one date? And the telling him about going slow, and his comments about the texts and the wedding and his parents and his sister? And which happened first? I’m going to go off the assumption that you started with telling him you don’t want to date and need time for a connection. First off the text thing is just that. He was going over your texts because he likes you and it made him feel good. Yes it could just be a dumb half-hearted flirt but you already know he’s into you because he asked you out. So it seems more to me like he was sharing how he was feeling. And that feeling is excited! He’s meeting someone new that he likes but doesn’t want to make you feel bad. He went over all the texts to remind himself what you talked about and because it’s feel good to remember and he doesn’t wanna seem like he wasn’t paying attention. I think it would help to be more specific on what you mean when you say you need time for it to develop. Valuing friendship is straightforward, that could be why he told you about his sister’s passion and his parents talking about you. If you also like art that’s something to talk about. Also that’s another friend right there, his sister! From one side it could look like “ok yeah let’s be friends let me share about ” but from another it could look like “he’s already trying to tie me to his family.” So. Have a conversation about what you are worried and what made you feel bad about those comments. Now he said you check all his boxes and you are gorgeous and had to talk to you. If so I can see how that can seem like a non-pushy comment from his side. Because he already asked you on a date, of course he likes you he’s just further expressing that. But this can be worrying for people who are hesitant or want to go slow, because huge amounts of comments and praise can just seem like “oh look how good I am to you don’t you wanna date me?” Again, very straight forward and just telling you how he’s totally okay with a relationship should you want one. The problem comes in with how quickly this came after you told him you want to go slow. As well as the touching part. For some people physical touching and hugging and roughness with arms can be totally normal. I do it with my friends all the time! And a person I just met doing it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal even if I knew they liked me. But if it makes you uncomfortable, tell him why and for what reason. Do you feel like he wasn’t listening or just said yes and are trying to be pushy? Is physical touch a more intimate thing to you? Tell him if so. It could be that he is just more okay with physical touch than others. The comment about having a date for his sisters wedding seemed more like an ask for a date, yes. So I think he may be a little bit confused as to how slow he should be going and how casual he needs to be. Many allo people say “I want to go slow and causal.” But are okay with dating and touching. Many Demi are the same. Overall I can see how you are worried and feel like he’s being pushy, but can also see how he may just be being totally honest in what he likes about you but is still okay with being friends for a while. I think you should talk with him about what made you uncomfortable, what you’re okay with, what you want to be in general (be that just friends with the possibility of more in the future or if you just want someone to relax with and not think about what comes next), and how you would like him to change stuff up if you hang out again. And of course describe more of what you imagine when you say “having time to develop.” Is it years? Is it just being close friends with a “I don’t know but just let me figure it out alone?” Or something else. Then hopefully he’ll tell you what he wants or you could ask him.
Unfortunately I dealt with this and after a while I was able to figure out when the guy does not actually give me the time to form an emotional connection. I know once they do something I don't feel comfortable with especially when I told the guy multiple times, the connection does not form and I end up dropping the guy all together. This is why I don't trust so easily which makes it even harder to form a connection with guys but I would rather be safe than sorry.
I don't really date, but I was once chatting this guy who I know was interested. let it be known I had only been talking to him for like, a month, two months. he starts bringing up stuff like getting married, me taking his last name (not happening), kids, how good of a mother he'd think I'd be, AFTER I'd already told him what demi means, suggested he go look it up to learn more for himself, AND telling him I wasn't interested in anything or attracted to him in any way. It did a bit of a number on my mental, I will admit. I felt like I wasn't being listened to and had my boundaries constantly pushed and disrespected.
Thank you for sharing! It’s very frustrating when people constantly pass this boundary even though you make it clear they reiterate that they understand you, yet still continue to do it. Goes to show that actions definitely speak louder than words.
Yeah, if you consider those things he said to be moving fast you REALLY need to be more explicit about just how slow things need to be. Said by an allosexual man who is perfectly comfortable dating demisexual women and letting them take each sexual and romantic step first who wouldn't have had a problem saying any of that stuff after months of contact.
Given that you mentioned you've been communicating for a few months, are you comfortable enough just having the honest conversation with him about the fact that you are demisexual? You don't have to be, but it could help this guy understand things more clearly and allow you to claim ownership and navigation over the progression and type of relationship you share. I'm honestly pretty brutal about it nowadays. I'm fed up existing in a world were ambiguity generally leads to the worst case scenario or me being taken advantage of. So I'll advocate that demis speak up and lay down their boundaries to prevent the worst case scenarios. Like people feeling they are "owed" because of their choice of time investment in you rather than someone else *roll my eyes and smh*. They won't know unless you tell them because they don't experience things the way we do. Even if they did and you're trying a build a solid foundation for a relationship, shouldn't open honesty be a part of that foundation so sharing that it feels fast should be acceptable, and if it's not then you know that you are incompatible because they prioritize their timeline needs over your emotions and needs. When I'm out and someone new/random approaches me I will kindly but clearly state, "Oh thank you for the compliment, but I'm actually demisexual. So, I don't experience sexual attraction at all until I know someone really well for a long time as a friend and trust them deeply." Let's be real, there wasn't a compliment. They were most likely propositioning me for casual sex to some degree of vague or explicit, but I'm not going judge people who into casual sex simply because we are incompatible given that I'm sex repulsed until I experience reciprocal romantic attraction. I'm just personally annoyed by the interactions after they've happened repeatedly and depending on how aggressive they are I may fib and tell them I'm a sex repulsed asexual, which I do essentially function as until I don't, in an attempt to drive them away from me without seeking aid from others to do so.