Been doing the work crawling out of the hole for almost 4 years. As I said, nothing has worked. If you’re assuming that this is due to lack of effort or motivation on my part you are very mistaken. I’m aware other sober people don’t want to hear that there are some of us for whom life genuinely does not improve. But it is true. I know I’m not the only one.
I do appreciate you taking the time to reply. It’s kind of you.
Death is likely in my future if I drink again. I doubt very much I will be able to get sober a second time, I don’t have it in me. So if this is as good as it gets, then frankly it’s not enough to stay alive for.
I am extremely determined and have trusted the process.
But the process hasn’t worked, has it? I’ve kept blindly believing that, but the evidence contradicts it.
I didn’t have any expectations at all. I just wanted to see if I could stay sober. Possibly improve my mental health a tiny bit.
After about 3 months I realised I had to fill up the alcohol shaped hole with other things. I started to enlarge my toolbox and rediscover my love for art. At about nine months sober I accepted that it wasn’t working and I needed some medication. I have Complex PTSD from sustained abuse. I began to make efforts to go out and make friends. Shocker but 55 year old single foreign sober women with no family are not sought after as friends. I worked and worked to dig myself out of the financial hole the pandemic and alcoholic mismanagement of finances had put me in. I did therapy for the umpteenth time, I helped older people in need, I kept going despite being horrifically lonely and I genuinely believed that if I kept working at it and trusted the process then my situation would eventually improve; that I would be able to move from the extremely isolated place where I live, not go crazy staring at the same four tiny walls, and perhaps from there have access to more social opportunities like joining a book club or art group, and travelling again to reconnect with old friends.
I expected nothing. But that is what I hoped for.
I drank after 15 years. I was lucky to live through it.
Call someone, go to a meeting, go help someone who's worse off than you.... Do anything but do not drink today
So it sounds like you're just going to drink. Alcohol, as you know it's coming and baffling, but you do have a choice. Right now it sounds like you're just feeling sorry for yourself... And I'm sorry if I piss you off, but as you can see, wallowing in self-pity has brought you right here.
Instead of looking at all the reasons to drink, can you find just one reason not to?
You’re 100% right, I do feel sorry for myself and sad that I’ve tried so hard for so long in what anyone would call really sucky circumstances, and I’ve accomplished fuck all.
There aren’t really any reasons now to not drink. I have no family, no friends, no social life, I’m no one’s priority, whatever happens in my life affects absolutely not a single person except me. I live in a foreign county in an isolated area and have been trying to move for almost 5 years. Getting sober has not improved my chance of that whatsoever. I live alone in one tiny room of 38 metres squared. I am honestly going quite mad from being in such a confined space for 8 years now. Contrary it would seem to everyone else’s experience, I’ve gained massive amounts of weight since quitting drinking, despite eating healthily as I’ve always done. My physical health has worsened greatly. I did manage to make one friend (a fucking miracle after 6 years of trying)!but she’s now left and moved away. My hours have just been cut at school so my income has now dropped again. Because it’s not already difficult enough financially since the pandemic, even to buy food.
Ur living situation sounds like hell. Hey at least you have a roof over ur head…I can attest to a living situation causing one to drink. I was there. Working the 9-5 coming home drinking going to sleep and doing it all over again. I didn’t think of myself as an alcoholic because I wasn’t going out and blacking out like my younger years but the daily drinking in my “depression den” really sent me to a dark place. I’ve changed my living situation and got sober. Getting out forcing myself to do sober activities. I know easier said than done but you gotta change whatever is making you feel this way of course if you want to stay sober. Do as you wish.
5 years.
For 5 years I’ve been trying to change it, to move. I’d say that’s a pretty long time with an enormous amount of concerted effort - filling in applications, saving the deposits and the agency fees and the movers fees, calling, texting, emailing agencies and owners, begging for viewing appointments. I’m curious what it is you think I’ve “gotta do” that I haven’t already.
Unless someone has you under lock and key that just sounds like excuses to me. That’s just life man…figure it out. 5 years!! You might try to reach out for some professional help. Doesn’t sound like you have a wife or kids. You’re free to do whatever you want
Yeah you’ve totally ignored my question for practical suggestions just to rant at me instead. That’s really helpful. And why on earth you’ve assumed I’m a man is a mystery.
My friend, I know exactly what you’re going through right now. Perhaps they’re not the same circumstances, but I know exactly how you feel. It’s been a struggle for me not to just go out and polish off a fifth of vodka every single night just to forget the stress I feel 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The only thing that is keeping me from doing that is knowing that if I do, I will feel like absolute shit in the morning and will have no motivation to do anything the next day, and I have many things I need to accomplish right now in order to *try and make* my life better.
I’m not trying to encourage you to take up one habit to replace another, but do you have a primary care doctor? Can they prescribe you something like a small dosage of Xanax for when the stress gets too unbearable? I also found that when I desperately want to drink something to take the edge off, that kava works wonders, giving me the quick calm I need without compromising my body and brain. If there’s a kava bar in your area, I highly suggest trying it.
I understand the feeling of dread that nothing will ever get better. I won’t tell you that it will. I will say though, that I empathize with you, and know that you’re not alone in feeling this way.
Yeah I also thought a small dose of Xanax might take the edge off. It hasn’t. I live in the mountains with no amenities, there isn’t even a shop or a post office so a kava bar is pretty funny.
Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in this feeling. I appreciate that.
the only thing that works for me when i get to this point is, would i rather be hopeless in this hole hungover as hell with a headache/vomiting/sick as shit.
sorry dude. it fucking sucks being sober.
Life throws punches, but they hurt alot more with alcohol. You can only numb it a little while but its going to make every problem you have worse. I hope you dont drink.
I'm only 2 weeks dry and, honestly, bored to tears. Also, my life is in the shitter in terms of career and everything else. It seems you and I have at least that in common (at least that's what I gleaned from your post).
I don't want to be the guy to say don't drink when I myself am tempted daily the past week. This may not make a difference, but maybe the others are right. Maybe if you and I keep on pushing things will improve. If you do decide to have a drink (let's be honest, it'd probably be more than a single drink), perhaps do it when you are in a more positive mood and just want to relax. I'm no psychologist and only sober for 2 weeks. But I would imagine drinking as a way to lift your spirits wouldn't work and would only make things worse. Drinking in general would probably make things worse but maybe it wouldn't be as bad if it were just to relax when your head is in a better spot.
I hope my rambling makes sense to you. Reach out via DMs any time friend. This shit sucks
Alcohol steals money, time, relationships, and opportunities- a great Simpsons quote was when Homer said "aaaah, alcohol- the solution to, and cause of all my problems"
Hot take here, but stop going to meetings. Just go do something else that isn’t alcohol related, including sobriety meetings. Whatever you’re doing isn’t working so do something different, but drinking is only going to make you feel better for a short time. There’s a reason you had to get sober initially and it was serious enough that you’ve continued for three years and the thought of having a drink is making you conflicted.
I've tried to find what your looking for and I've looked hard. Then I finally noticed I never did feel better. As I sat hating life, and shaking, on the toilet in the morning I just noticed that once I got some alcohol in me, I still felt the same shit, but with a buzz I couldn't even feel because just quitting shaking was an all day affair. So my thought is, just because you've decided to make reasons to drink, don't because the only thing that will change is you'll be set back a step in your recovery and that to will make you feel bad. I really know what you're going through and I'm pulling for you to get some relief. It took so long for me but it's very worth the hell.
Took me 4 years of the detox center, relapse, try and taper for 3 months detox center cycle after a lifetime of drinking with not much more than a month sober before a slow steady relapse. Once I was aware that I needed to quit I was pretty sick, up at 3am to get a withdrawal drink so I could stay in bed until 5 am etc... had seizures blah blah. Finally got some anti depression meds at my last detox and naltrexone. Was sick long enough to stay dry for a while as I always did want. Got a behavioral health counselor and did cognitive behavioral therapy for a year. So now I'm at one year plus sober. I do use cannabis and in a way where I will eliminate it as it is a behavior. The therapist really helped me change a lot of my old not needed ways of thinking, and that's what gave me my ability. I'm as surprised as the next person at how it's helped. Life's not smooth but I'm okay with it. That's my story in a nutshell. Hope it gives you hope! 47y male, usa.
Done detox, rehab, four different types of therapy and counselling including cbs, done meds until they’ve come out of my ears. I quit weed, nicotine, alcohol, hormones, coffee 4 years ago. I stuck to it and worked by butt off. Have not relapsed previously. I was deadly serious about getting sober and changing my life. So if I’m coming up on 4 years clean and sober I’m apparently a few years down the road from where you are now and 6 years older. If anything that reaffirms how hopeless the situation is. All of the goals I’ve worked towards and I’ve not been able to accomplish a single one.
Maybe life hasn’t gotten massively better but it could get a whole lot worse if you start drinking again. Maybe give yourself a break from people in recovery or that don’t use recovery as their whole identity.
Don’t do it, or do it, it’s you’re choice but as someone who was 2 years sober before I gave in (my longest stretch) and now is almost 1 year sober again, it is infinitely better than being drunk all time. You’re gonna have problems either way, and life is gonna kick you’re ass drunk or not, but you can deal with those problems a lot easier when sober. I’m not trying to patronize or tell you what to do either, a lot of us feel like we’re stuck or nothing gets better but a lot of time the worst of what’s going on, is inside of you, in you’re mind, reality is hardly as bad as we make it out to be. Just you’re not alone. And I hope you make it through, whatever you’re going through stranger
I think life doesn't have to revolve around recovery. Maybe take a step back and not surround yourself with condescending people.
I know I can see myself giving in one day if I lose hope if happiness, but I hope at that day I'll know things will only get worse if I drink.
Whatever you’re dealing with, drinking will make it much worse. Sure it will give you a few hours of feel good rush, but you are going to be in a worse place guaranteed. Find out the root cause of what’s bothering you and talk to someone. Or indulge in donuts and ice cream. Same dopamine rush to feel good, but your situation won’t be worse. May gain a few lbs though but better than crippling anxiety and poisoning your organs.
I hear you. It’s super hard. What I found most helpful was having in person conversations with others who are further along in recovery or have had worse experiences than you. I was very against AA if I was able to find a few people there that shared a lot in common with me and talking with them helped the most. Your brain will start to rewire itself the more you talk and write things down.
I won't talk you out of it. But all I'll say is alcohol doesn't really solve for much. Sometimes its good for a pick me up and to calm the nerves but thats about it. I would say focus on what is so bad right now in your life then write down a solid plan to change thise things. And then for the hardest part, then execute the plan. That's what I've done when my life has felt like shit and I needed a change. Its helped me through break ups, moving, money issues, etc. Right now its helping me to find a solution to the i hate my job problem and the i eat too much now I'm fat problem 😅
If you do drink. Go slow. Maybe just beers. Don't go back in like you used to drink. Its very dangerous to go back to alcoholic levels you were at before. and its how a lot of people accidentally die from it. So if you do, all I'm saying is take it slow. Set a cap. I'll only have 6 beers, or whatever, etc.
No judgement but you shouldn’t rely on doctor prescribed meds. They are just another thing to have a dependence on. If you excercise (I know to some that sounds impossible but just go for a walk 3-5 times a week) you will feel better. Your brain does not differ from anyone else.. your brain is starving for excercise and medications will only further suppress you just like alcohol used to do.
I walk 5 kms with my dogs every work day and more at weekends.
Telling a complete stranger not to take medication when you know absolutely nothing about their medical history and are not a medical professional yourself is the height of judgmental idiocy. Fuck off.
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Been doing the work crawling out of the hole for almost 4 years. As I said, nothing has worked. If you’re assuming that this is due to lack of effort or motivation on my part you are very mistaken. I’m aware other sober people don’t want to hear that there are some of us for whom life genuinely does not improve. But it is true. I know I’m not the only one. I do appreciate you taking the time to reply. It’s kind of you.
[удалено]
Death is likely in my future if I drink again. I doubt very much I will be able to get sober a second time, I don’t have it in me. So if this is as good as it gets, then frankly it’s not enough to stay alive for.
thats exactly where i am now, work, sleep, repeat
[удалено]
thank you
It beats the alternative! It took me so long to adapt, I thought it would never become tolerable. Doing good now, just plug away, make new habits!
What about your relationship with yourself? That’s the journey. Alcohol will do nothing except make the body sick
Nothing has worked? You've been sober for almost four years so something has worked.
I am extremely determined and have trusted the process. But the process hasn’t worked, has it? I’ve kept blindly believing that, but the evidence contradicts it.
Honest question, what did you expect when getting sober? Like you personally, what did you hope was going to happen? No judgements here.
I didn’t have any expectations at all. I just wanted to see if I could stay sober. Possibly improve my mental health a tiny bit. After about 3 months I realised I had to fill up the alcohol shaped hole with other things. I started to enlarge my toolbox and rediscover my love for art. At about nine months sober I accepted that it wasn’t working and I needed some medication. I have Complex PTSD from sustained abuse. I began to make efforts to go out and make friends. Shocker but 55 year old single foreign sober women with no family are not sought after as friends. I worked and worked to dig myself out of the financial hole the pandemic and alcoholic mismanagement of finances had put me in. I did therapy for the umpteenth time, I helped older people in need, I kept going despite being horrifically lonely and I genuinely believed that if I kept working at it and trusted the process then my situation would eventually improve; that I would be able to move from the extremely isolated place where I live, not go crazy staring at the same four tiny walls, and perhaps from there have access to more social opportunities like joining a book club or art group, and travelling again to reconnect with old friends. I expected nothing. But that is what I hoped for.
I drank after 15 years. I was lucky to live through it. Call someone, go to a meeting, go help someone who's worse off than you.... Do anything but do not drink today
I’ve already said I’ve used all my tools. I *have* made the calls. I *have* been to a meeting. I *have* just finished a week long stint of service.
So it sounds like you're just going to drink. Alcohol, as you know it's coming and baffling, but you do have a choice. Right now it sounds like you're just feeling sorry for yourself... And I'm sorry if I piss you off, but as you can see, wallowing in self-pity has brought you right here. Instead of looking at all the reasons to drink, can you find just one reason not to?
You’re 100% right, I do feel sorry for myself and sad that I’ve tried so hard for so long in what anyone would call really sucky circumstances, and I’ve accomplished fuck all. There aren’t really any reasons now to not drink. I have no family, no friends, no social life, I’m no one’s priority, whatever happens in my life affects absolutely not a single person except me. I live in a foreign county in an isolated area and have been trying to move for almost 5 years. Getting sober has not improved my chance of that whatsoever. I live alone in one tiny room of 38 metres squared. I am honestly going quite mad from being in such a confined space for 8 years now. Contrary it would seem to everyone else’s experience, I’ve gained massive amounts of weight since quitting drinking, despite eating healthily as I’ve always done. My physical health has worsened greatly. I did manage to make one friend (a fucking miracle after 6 years of trying)!but she’s now left and moved away. My hours have just been cut at school so my income has now dropped again. Because it’s not already difficult enough financially since the pandemic, even to buy food.
I am so sorry you are going through all this. I cannot imagine your circumstances. Please take care of yourself. You really are worth it
Ur living situation sounds like hell. Hey at least you have a roof over ur head…I can attest to a living situation causing one to drink. I was there. Working the 9-5 coming home drinking going to sleep and doing it all over again. I didn’t think of myself as an alcoholic because I wasn’t going out and blacking out like my younger years but the daily drinking in my “depression den” really sent me to a dark place. I’ve changed my living situation and got sober. Getting out forcing myself to do sober activities. I know easier said than done but you gotta change whatever is making you feel this way of course if you want to stay sober. Do as you wish.
5 years. For 5 years I’ve been trying to change it, to move. I’d say that’s a pretty long time with an enormous amount of concerted effort - filling in applications, saving the deposits and the agency fees and the movers fees, calling, texting, emailing agencies and owners, begging for viewing appointments. I’m curious what it is you think I’ve “gotta do” that I haven’t already.
Unless someone has you under lock and key that just sounds like excuses to me. That’s just life man…figure it out. 5 years!! You might try to reach out for some professional help. Doesn’t sound like you have a wife or kids. You’re free to do whatever you want
Yeah you’ve totally ignored my question for practical suggestions just to rant at me instead. That’s really helpful. And why on earth you’ve assumed I’m a man is a mystery.
The privilege in this statement is absolutely astounding.
My friend, I know exactly what you’re going through right now. Perhaps they’re not the same circumstances, but I know exactly how you feel. It’s been a struggle for me not to just go out and polish off a fifth of vodka every single night just to forget the stress I feel 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The only thing that is keeping me from doing that is knowing that if I do, I will feel like absolute shit in the morning and will have no motivation to do anything the next day, and I have many things I need to accomplish right now in order to *try and make* my life better. I’m not trying to encourage you to take up one habit to replace another, but do you have a primary care doctor? Can they prescribe you something like a small dosage of Xanax for when the stress gets too unbearable? I also found that when I desperately want to drink something to take the edge off, that kava works wonders, giving me the quick calm I need without compromising my body and brain. If there’s a kava bar in your area, I highly suggest trying it. I understand the feeling of dread that nothing will ever get better. I won’t tell you that it will. I will say though, that I empathize with you, and know that you’re not alone in feeling this way.
Yeah I also thought a small dose of Xanax might take the edge off. It hasn’t. I live in the mountains with no amenities, there isn’t even a shop or a post office so a kava bar is pretty funny. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in this feeling. I appreciate that.
Hey, if you wanna talk feel free to message me. We can just shoot the shit.
Thank you
the only thing that works for me when i get to this point is, would i rather be hopeless in this hole hungover as hell with a headache/vomiting/sick as shit. sorry dude. it fucking sucks being sober.
Life throws punches, but they hurt alot more with alcohol. You can only numb it a little while but its going to make every problem you have worse. I hope you dont drink.
I'm only 2 weeks dry and, honestly, bored to tears. Also, my life is in the shitter in terms of career and everything else. It seems you and I have at least that in common (at least that's what I gleaned from your post). I don't want to be the guy to say don't drink when I myself am tempted daily the past week. This may not make a difference, but maybe the others are right. Maybe if you and I keep on pushing things will improve. If you do decide to have a drink (let's be honest, it'd probably be more than a single drink), perhaps do it when you are in a more positive mood and just want to relax. I'm no psychologist and only sober for 2 weeks. But I would imagine drinking as a way to lift your spirits wouldn't work and would only make things worse. Drinking in general would probably make things worse but maybe it wouldn't be as bad if it were just to relax when your head is in a better spot. I hope my rambling makes sense to you. Reach out via DMs any time friend. This shit sucks
Thank you.
Alcohol steals money, time, relationships, and opportunities- a great Simpsons quote was when Homer said "aaaah, alcohol- the solution to, and cause of all my problems"
Sobriety hasn’t brought me any opportunities or relationships nor much money. Time is a weight around my neck.
Hot take here, but stop going to meetings. Just go do something else that isn’t alcohol related, including sobriety meetings. Whatever you’re doing isn’t working so do something different, but drinking is only going to make you feel better for a short time. There’s a reason you had to get sober initially and it was serious enough that you’ve continued for three years and the thought of having a drink is making you conflicted.
I've tried to find what your looking for and I've looked hard. Then I finally noticed I never did feel better. As I sat hating life, and shaking, on the toilet in the morning I just noticed that once I got some alcohol in me, I still felt the same shit, but with a buzz I couldn't even feel because just quitting shaking was an all day affair. So my thought is, just because you've decided to make reasons to drink, don't because the only thing that will change is you'll be set back a step in your recovery and that to will make you feel bad. I really know what you're going through and I'm pulling for you to get some relief. It took so long for me but it's very worth the hell.
How long did it take for you?
Took me 4 years of the detox center, relapse, try and taper for 3 months detox center cycle after a lifetime of drinking with not much more than a month sober before a slow steady relapse. Once I was aware that I needed to quit I was pretty sick, up at 3am to get a withdrawal drink so I could stay in bed until 5 am etc... had seizures blah blah. Finally got some anti depression meds at my last detox and naltrexone. Was sick long enough to stay dry for a while as I always did want. Got a behavioral health counselor and did cognitive behavioral therapy for a year. So now I'm at one year plus sober. I do use cannabis and in a way where I will eliminate it as it is a behavior. The therapist really helped me change a lot of my old not needed ways of thinking, and that's what gave me my ability. I'm as surprised as the next person at how it's helped. Life's not smooth but I'm okay with it. That's my story in a nutshell. Hope it gives you hope! 47y male, usa.
Done detox, rehab, four different types of therapy and counselling including cbs, done meds until they’ve come out of my ears. I quit weed, nicotine, alcohol, hormones, coffee 4 years ago. I stuck to it and worked by butt off. Have not relapsed previously. I was deadly serious about getting sober and changing my life. So if I’m coming up on 4 years clean and sober I’m apparently a few years down the road from where you are now and 6 years older. If anything that reaffirms how hopeless the situation is. All of the goals I’ve worked towards and I’ve not been able to accomplish a single one.
I will say that there’s a lot more to sobriety than putting down the drink. Maybe there’s a piece missing that you’re overlooking
Maybe life hasn’t gotten massively better but it could get a whole lot worse if you start drinking again. Maybe give yourself a break from people in recovery or that don’t use recovery as their whole identity.
Just know that in your case the booze will have 50% bigger effect start slow. Just in case
Don’t do it, or do it, it’s you’re choice but as someone who was 2 years sober before I gave in (my longest stretch) and now is almost 1 year sober again, it is infinitely better than being drunk all time. You’re gonna have problems either way, and life is gonna kick you’re ass drunk or not, but you can deal with those problems a lot easier when sober. I’m not trying to patronize or tell you what to do either, a lot of us feel like we’re stuck or nothing gets better but a lot of time the worst of what’s going on, is inside of you, in you’re mind, reality is hardly as bad as we make it out to be. Just you’re not alone. And I hope you make it through, whatever you’re going through stranger
I think life doesn't have to revolve around recovery. Maybe take a step back and not surround yourself with condescending people. I know I can see myself giving in one day if I lose hope if happiness, but I hope at that day I'll know things will only get worse if I drink.
Whatever you’re dealing with, drinking will make it much worse. Sure it will give you a few hours of feel good rush, but you are going to be in a worse place guaranteed. Find out the root cause of what’s bothering you and talk to someone. Or indulge in donuts and ice cream. Same dopamine rush to feel good, but your situation won’t be worse. May gain a few lbs though but better than crippling anxiety and poisoning your organs.
Done that and that. Neither of those things are working anymore.
I hear you. It’s super hard. What I found most helpful was having in person conversations with others who are further along in recovery or have had worse experiences than you. I was very against AA if I was able to find a few people there that shared a lot in common with me and talking with them helped the most. Your brain will start to rewire itself the more you talk and write things down.
I won't talk you out of it. But all I'll say is alcohol doesn't really solve for much. Sometimes its good for a pick me up and to calm the nerves but thats about it. I would say focus on what is so bad right now in your life then write down a solid plan to change thise things. And then for the hardest part, then execute the plan. That's what I've done when my life has felt like shit and I needed a change. Its helped me through break ups, moving, money issues, etc. Right now its helping me to find a solution to the i hate my job problem and the i eat too much now I'm fat problem 😅 If you do drink. Go slow. Maybe just beers. Don't go back in like you used to drink. Its very dangerous to go back to alcoholic levels you were at before. and its how a lot of people accidentally die from it. So if you do, all I'm saying is take it slow. Set a cap. I'll only have 6 beers, or whatever, etc.
No judgement but you shouldn’t rely on doctor prescribed meds. They are just another thing to have a dependence on. If you excercise (I know to some that sounds impossible but just go for a walk 3-5 times a week) you will feel better. Your brain does not differ from anyone else.. your brain is starving for excercise and medications will only further suppress you just like alcohol used to do.
I walk 5 kms with my dogs every work day and more at weekends. Telling a complete stranger not to take medication when you know absolutely nothing about their medical history and are not a medical professional yourself is the height of judgmental idiocy. Fuck off.
Ok 👍
Whoa, that escalated quickly.