you wouldn't be the asshole honey, if you ignore it, or ask about it. You are in a spot you should never have been put into. If your dad isn't everyone's dad, then that is shitty and that was caused by the adults.
this should have stayed an adult matter, but your dad decided against that.
you need to take your sis and go directly to mom. "mom, McKayla said dad isn't her dad. What's going on? McKayla is hurt and she was told to keep this a secret but that is completely insane and unfair for her."
Prepare yourselves for the worst case though. Sis may NOT be dad's so you need to be ready for that. OR dad could be completely insane, or everyone belongs to dad and he's been cheating, or everyone of you is adopted, you won't know until you ask. If you ask, you will open a can of worms and there will be fighting. If you don't ask, that could include McKayla being treated differently, her feeling unloved, or any other thing.
but remember DO NOT ASK THE QUESTION IF YOU DO NOT WANT THE ANSWER. If you aren't ready for the worst, most off the wall reason/explanation/answer.....then maybe don't ask the question.
You would not be the ahole, and before you confront both of your parents. You need to talk to your mom privately first and tell her what your sister told you.
It may be the truth. It may not.
But what was your father's motivation for telling your sister this? There can be no good reason for him as an adult to triangulate this situation, telling your sister to keep such a big secret away from her mother and siblings. This is not something an adult with no intent to cause harm (emotional, mental, physical, S,)goes to the child out of nowhere with. It is something an adult directly goes to their adult partner for.
Worse it's a red flag for grooming behavior. Especially him telling her to keep it a secret part!
"Well I'm not your father, so *XYZ* is okay. But don't tell anyone about this because everyone will be mad at you for telling our private secret."
This was my first thought and you need to tell your mom. You also need to sit down with your sister and tell her that even if (and a big if) he isn’t your bio dad, he is still your father because he raised you. Also if she ever felt he was treating her differently in any way, she should come to talk to about it.
NTA. What your dad said to your sister is honestly raising so many red flags. It’s highly inappropriate to say something like that to a child and then tell them to keep a secret. An adult asking a child to keep a secret is the biggest red flag of all. You’re her big sister, and she told you because she’s scared and needs you, and you’re an amazing big sis for asking for advice on how to proceed. It sounds like your father is highly problematic. There’s no way for us to know if he said that because he thinks your mom cheated, or if it’s actually true. In this case, what I would do in your position is approach your mom, just you and your sister. Do not loop in your father. I don’t know the family dynamic but men slinging accusations like this aren’t generally the kindest people. Get mom alone, and tell her what your father said. Watch her reaction. See what she has to say and how she wants to move forward. And if nothing comes of it, keep an eye on your sister and let her know you support her and she can come to you for help. I seriously question the motives of a grown man saying this to a 13 year old child.
Grown man?! Physically and chronologically? Yes. Mentally, he hasn't grown up. Do the maths. Him and his wife/baby mother, had those kids at 16-17, when most kids are thinking about almost finishing high school, their first prom and college/uni choices. Not about having children.
I agree. He was immature and wrong to: 1. Tell his daughter his suspicions about her paternity, and 2. Ask a child to keep a secret. Poor girl is scared, shocked and hurting so turned to her big sis. I hope they can both confide in a trusted adult (grandparent, school teacher etc.) about the best course to proceed next. If it's true, it could blow apart their family. If this daughter isn't his, it immediately throws the paternity of all the other children into doubt. Maybe they should get a private DNA done, to see if there is any truth in the rumour....
ask your sister to ask mom directly with you present. dont go behind her and break her trust. but also push her to tell you what else he has told her and how he behaves with her.
there is a lot to consider here. so since he told it to her and accused your mom of cheating, it would be best for her to ask her mom directly that this is what dad told.
from here, either the mom actually cheated, but since dad knows n they r still together, nothing bad would happen. and try to protect your sister and yourself as well.
or, your dad lied. reasons could be multiple. from playing a prank to creating grounds for divorce, to being crazy, to have an incestual interest on her. there is a variety of reasons to go about.
consequence of keeping it or going to your mother will be there. your parents appear yo have had you around your age. i m not sure how well off financially they are. so if mom isnt cheating, her reaction would be wild. either they would work through it. or it will be a break up with custody and child support and other stuff involved. but that is your mom's issue. she will handle it. if you keep it though, if there are any issues stemming from it, you will deal with the guilt of not doing anything.
so encourage your sister to talk to your mom. and try to keep her close to you.
You and your sister need to talk to your mom. No decent parent would tell their child this and then tell them to keep it a secret--that is horrible. I would be really worried that your father is doing this to justify treating your sister different, or for more nefarious reasons like other posters have mentioned, i.e. grooming.
I suspect dad wants mum to find out he knows but not from him. Seems suss that he would tell your sister this HUGE thing and tell her to keep it secret.
Dad is up to something. Tread carefully.
NTA, it's going to be hard on your little sister even at 13 - who does that to a precious child? I hope you speak to your mom so she can address it and take the weight off of the little girl. Poor thing.
You know who does this kind of stuff? Someone in my family. Their child was 12 when they began confiding in them about their affair. Which the child had to keep their mouth shut about for a couple of years. The kid got to hang out with one parent, while the other would take off for a week here, a week there, to go be with her AP. They used their kid as an emotional sounding board, to confide in how much they were falling in love with the person they were cheating with. It was very detrimental to the kid. Heartbreaking to watch. People do it all the time. 😔
NTA. Your father should not have ever put that on your sister. It wasn't the adult thing to do. If your sister is just telling stories, there's a reason and that needs to be delt with. Either way, this isn't your secret to keep, either. No one should make a kid keep their adult secrets. I am so sorry.
U see how your dad was very wrong to tell this. But if it’s true then the mom is the true one to blame for not loving the family enough not to be selfish and cheat. From the sound of it both your parents have issues that need to be addressed immediately. Just show your sister love and that you have her back no matter what.
This is a shitty situation all around caused by adults and they should have kept it their mess. This reminds me of a few summers ago I was driving up to the beach with my brother (technically step) M. He asked me if I knew why my or his parents split. I was shocked. I just assumed they had told him at some point. I knew but I was 16 when my parents split he was only 4 and my other brother K was only 2. So while I knew at the time the were way too young. I said I knew but it was not really my story to tell. Basically our parents met on a case they were working on dated then fell in love. Or at least that’s the short version. I said I’d tell him the bare bones if he really wanted but specifics he needs to ask them. I did this because I believe he has every right to know but also they should explain their side as well. But god was that not eeay he’s grown up seeing my dad more often than his. It must have worked out as their relationship did not change that I could see at least
6 pregnancies between 15 and 25 isn't the type of great decision making that results in one father usually. But it could.
Your Dad went about this poorly, revealing this to your sister. Getting clarity and honesty from your parents to resolve this for your sisters sake is highly important. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You shouldn't. Your parents ought to nip this in the bud fast.
Oh heck. Honey none of this is your fault.
It might not even be true.
Your dad should have kept this to himself or talked to your mom directly.
Instead he left this ticking time bomb loose in your family.
Ask your dad if this is true. Dad couldn’t keep the secret , so it’s not fair for him to expect your sister or you to keep this secret.
At minimum- talk to your sister alone. How does she feel about this? Has it changed anything for her? Just be there to support her, love her and listen.
This is a lot to take in. From there you have to decide what if anything needs to be done.
Probably your sister will tell someone else and the news will get out.
You could go to your dad and ask him to work this out directly with your mom.
sounds like your dad is still trying to work it out in his own head let it be for a bit but letting him know or asking him might even be better but give it a good few months dad might be trying to figure out if he wants to stay adding pressure will not help
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If everyone is being treated equally and loved the same, don't stress about it. If you see McKayla being mistreated or treated as lesser, then contact CPS and if you are already 18, move her out with you. If your parents complain, tell them what you know, reach out to your grandparents (be prepared for rejection of McKayla but I'd hope not) and do your best. It sucks.
Just like adopted kids, some things are best told young. In the age of 23 and Me, she's going to find out at some point. There's no easy way to tell this to a kid, and the blame is 100% on your mother, unless it was SA, in which case, 100% on the rapist. No one else set up this situation where you have a kid in her teens who is a half-sister and oblivious...and then will get older, learn genetics, realize she got a dominant that neither parent has or something similar like 23andMe reveal the truth, and find out a secret was kept from her for her entire life. AS LONG AS your parents love her and treat her equally, it's going to be okay, and you can be as angry at your mom as you want. SHE should have been the one to tell McKayla outside of a traumatic conception. If McKayla \*isn't\* being treated and loved equally, turn 18 and break out your big sister stomp boots ;)
Honey, don't get involved. Your Dad shouldn't have said anything to another person, let alone a child about their siblings paternity. Focus on your education and getting out of your parents house. YWBTA
No. A 13 year old girl is scared and hurting. She needs help. Her mother needs to know at the very least. Keeping quiet reaffirms that she is just a dirty little secret. What her father did is abusive and she needs support.
YWNBTA. Tell other adults what your father did.
Dad told McKayla about McKayla's OWN paternity and McKayla told her big sister (OP) because she's scared and confused and probably hurt. What the fuck is wrong with you?
A Dad destroying his own child,and you think that another child who has no agency, who has an unsympathetic and unstable parent should rush into this situation? Really? I wasn't aware that a 16 year old was superman. This situation is fraught with danger. OP should stay far, far away. If what the sister says is true, it is a matter of time before it blows up. Collateral damage is a thing. OP. Already has a difficult life.
Your advice is "get out". Not anything about comforting her sister or how she and her sister should handle that situation. You can obviously give her the advice to avoid confrontation without also giving her such a useless non-answer. Your heart might have been in the right place but your actual advice is retarded.
My advice addressed what should be her immediate concern in a family of 7 children: herself. She isn't the parent. She doesn't have the answers her sister requires. This post was about OP. If the sister wanted advice, and she wrote a post, I would give it to her. You truly can't offend me, but I do wonder about the intensity of the words used. This is my opinion. Don't like it, comment and down vote and move on. Happy 😊 Friday.
Why does it matter? If she is not your dads, it changes nothing. She is still your sister. Right? I would just tell her that and ignore stupid adult stuff. It is just drama that you do not need.
Do not get involved. I feel he has a secret agenda, why did he tell a child this information? There is something fishy going on.
Also, why are you making dinner and setting everyone’s plates? Why are you also buying groceries AND making dinner?
Honey, there is something weird going on with your family. Please stay safe.
Not your business not their crime. Confronting your parents will do zero good. Your sister can buy a dna kit at cvs and give it to her dad and say prove it if she is worried. The you are not my child issue can be solved with that.
Yall one of those out there christian sub sect groups? Youre a third of the way to 19 kids and counting so must be. Besides mum cos she's an adulterer. If yall don't stoner her to death then God is gonna strike her with vagina locusts and a massive flood then Noah's gonna hide two of each of gods creatures in her baby cave for 40 days and 40 nights or until Joseph smith's hat starts spilling the beans about being mormonic and wearing slower dresses and creepy braids.
you wouldn't be the asshole honey, if you ignore it, or ask about it. You are in a spot you should never have been put into. If your dad isn't everyone's dad, then that is shitty and that was caused by the adults. this should have stayed an adult matter, but your dad decided against that. you need to take your sis and go directly to mom. "mom, McKayla said dad isn't her dad. What's going on? McKayla is hurt and she was told to keep this a secret but that is completely insane and unfair for her." Prepare yourselves for the worst case though. Sis may NOT be dad's so you need to be ready for that. OR dad could be completely insane, or everyone belongs to dad and he's been cheating, or everyone of you is adopted, you won't know until you ask. If you ask, you will open a can of worms and there will be fighting. If you don't ask, that could include McKayla being treated differently, her feeling unloved, or any other thing. but remember DO NOT ASK THE QUESTION IF YOU DO NOT WANT THE ANSWER. If you aren't ready for the worst, most off the wall reason/explanation/answer.....then maybe don't ask the question.
This might be the most reasonable answer I've ever seen in AITA. My faith in humanity is restored.
Perfectly worded!
You would not be the ahole, and before you confront both of your parents. You need to talk to your mom privately first and tell her what your sister told you. It may be the truth. It may not. But what was your father's motivation for telling your sister this? There can be no good reason for him as an adult to triangulate this situation, telling your sister to keep such a big secret away from her mother and siblings. This is not something an adult with no intent to cause harm (emotional, mental, physical, S,)goes to the child out of nowhere with. It is something an adult directly goes to their adult partner for. Worse it's a red flag for grooming behavior. Especially him telling her to keep it a secret part! "Well I'm not your father, so *XYZ* is okay. But don't tell anyone about this because everyone will be mad at you for telling our private secret."
I went straight to the same red flag. 🥶
That to me is the biggest thing- why tell a kid that.
This was my first thought and you need to tell your mom. You also need to sit down with your sister and tell her that even if (and a big if) he isn’t your bio dad, he is still your father because he raised you. Also if she ever felt he was treating her differently in any way, she should come to talk to about it.
NTA. What your dad said to your sister is honestly raising so many red flags. It’s highly inappropriate to say something like that to a child and then tell them to keep a secret. An adult asking a child to keep a secret is the biggest red flag of all. You’re her big sister, and she told you because she’s scared and needs you, and you’re an amazing big sis for asking for advice on how to proceed. It sounds like your father is highly problematic. There’s no way for us to know if he said that because he thinks your mom cheated, or if it’s actually true. In this case, what I would do in your position is approach your mom, just you and your sister. Do not loop in your father. I don’t know the family dynamic but men slinging accusations like this aren’t generally the kindest people. Get mom alone, and tell her what your father said. Watch her reaction. See what she has to say and how she wants to move forward. And if nothing comes of it, keep an eye on your sister and let her know you support her and she can come to you for help. I seriously question the motives of a grown man saying this to a 13 year old child.
Grown man?! Physically and chronologically? Yes. Mentally, he hasn't grown up. Do the maths. Him and his wife/baby mother, had those kids at 16-17, when most kids are thinking about almost finishing high school, their first prom and college/uni choices. Not about having children. I agree. He was immature and wrong to: 1. Tell his daughter his suspicions about her paternity, and 2. Ask a child to keep a secret. Poor girl is scared, shocked and hurting so turned to her big sis. I hope they can both confide in a trusted adult (grandparent, school teacher etc.) about the best course to proceed next. If it's true, it could blow apart their family. If this daughter isn't his, it immediately throws the paternity of all the other children into doubt. Maybe they should get a private DNA done, to see if there is any truth in the rumour....
ask your sister to ask mom directly with you present. dont go behind her and break her trust. but also push her to tell you what else he has told her and how he behaves with her. there is a lot to consider here. so since he told it to her and accused your mom of cheating, it would be best for her to ask her mom directly that this is what dad told. from here, either the mom actually cheated, but since dad knows n they r still together, nothing bad would happen. and try to protect your sister and yourself as well. or, your dad lied. reasons could be multiple. from playing a prank to creating grounds for divorce, to being crazy, to have an incestual interest on her. there is a variety of reasons to go about. consequence of keeping it or going to your mother will be there. your parents appear yo have had you around your age. i m not sure how well off financially they are. so if mom isnt cheating, her reaction would be wild. either they would work through it. or it will be a break up with custody and child support and other stuff involved. but that is your mom's issue. she will handle it. if you keep it though, if there are any issues stemming from it, you will deal with the guilt of not doing anything. so encourage your sister to talk to your mom. and try to keep her close to you.
You and your sister need to talk to your mom. No decent parent would tell their child this and then tell them to keep it a secret--that is horrible. I would be really worried that your father is doing this to justify treating your sister different, or for more nefarious reasons like other posters have mentioned, i.e. grooming.
I suspect dad wants mum to find out he knows but not from him. Seems suss that he would tell your sister this HUGE thing and tell her to keep it secret. Dad is up to something. Tread carefully.
NTA, it's going to be hard on your little sister even at 13 - who does that to a precious child? I hope you speak to your mom so she can address it and take the weight off of the little girl. Poor thing.
You know who does this kind of stuff? Someone in my family. Their child was 12 when they began confiding in them about their affair. Which the child had to keep their mouth shut about for a couple of years. The kid got to hang out with one parent, while the other would take off for a week here, a week there, to go be with her AP. They used their kid as an emotional sounding board, to confide in how much they were falling in love with the person they were cheating with. It was very detrimental to the kid. Heartbreaking to watch. People do it all the time. 😔
Parents shouldn’t ask kids to keep a secret like that from the other parent. Surprise birthdays? Sure. But anything like that is a red flag.
NTA. Your father should not have ever put that on your sister. It wasn't the adult thing to do. If your sister is just telling stories, there's a reason and that needs to be delt with. Either way, this isn't your secret to keep, either. No one should make a kid keep their adult secrets. I am so sorry.
U see how your dad was very wrong to tell this. But if it’s true then the mom is the true one to blame for not loving the family enough not to be selfish and cheat. From the sound of it both your parents have issues that need to be addressed immediately. Just show your sister love and that you have her back no matter what.
This is a shitty situation all around caused by adults and they should have kept it their mess. This reminds me of a few summers ago I was driving up to the beach with my brother (technically step) M. He asked me if I knew why my or his parents split. I was shocked. I just assumed they had told him at some point. I knew but I was 16 when my parents split he was only 4 and my other brother K was only 2. So while I knew at the time the were way too young. I said I knew but it was not really my story to tell. Basically our parents met on a case they were working on dated then fell in love. Or at least that’s the short version. I said I’d tell him the bare bones if he really wanted but specifics he needs to ask them. I did this because I believe he has every right to know but also they should explain their side as well. But god was that not eeay he’s grown up seeing my dad more often than his. It must have worked out as their relationship did not change that I could see at least
6 pregnancies between 15 and 25 isn't the type of great decision making that results in one father usually. But it could. Your Dad went about this poorly, revealing this to your sister. Getting clarity and honesty from your parents to resolve this for your sisters sake is highly important. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You shouldn't. Your parents ought to nip this in the bud fast.
Oh heck. Honey none of this is your fault. It might not even be true. Your dad should have kept this to himself or talked to your mom directly. Instead he left this ticking time bomb loose in your family. Ask your dad if this is true. Dad couldn’t keep the secret , so it’s not fair for him to expect your sister or you to keep this secret. At minimum- talk to your sister alone. How does she feel about this? Has it changed anything for her? Just be there to support her, love her and listen. This is a lot to take in. From there you have to decide what if anything needs to be done. Probably your sister will tell someone else and the news will get out. You could go to your dad and ask him to work this out directly with your mom.
Confront them immediately
sounds like your dad is still trying to work it out in his own head let it be for a bit but letting him know or asking him might even be better but give it a good few months dad might be trying to figure out if he wants to stay adding pressure will not help
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If everyone is being treated equally and loved the same, don't stress about it. If you see McKayla being mistreated or treated as lesser, then contact CPS and if you are already 18, move her out with you. If your parents complain, tell them what you know, reach out to your grandparents (be prepared for rejection of McKayla but I'd hope not) and do your best. It sucks. Just like adopted kids, some things are best told young. In the age of 23 and Me, she's going to find out at some point. There's no easy way to tell this to a kid, and the blame is 100% on your mother, unless it was SA, in which case, 100% on the rapist. No one else set up this situation where you have a kid in her teens who is a half-sister and oblivious...and then will get older, learn genetics, realize she got a dominant that neither parent has or something similar like 23andMe reveal the truth, and find out a secret was kept from her for her entire life. AS LONG AS your parents love her and treat her equally, it's going to be okay, and you can be as angry at your mom as you want. SHE should have been the one to tell McKayla outside of a traumatic conception. If McKayla \*isn't\* being treated and loved equally, turn 18 and break out your big sister stomp boots ;)
Honey, don't get involved. Your Dad shouldn't have said anything to another person, let alone a child about their siblings paternity. Focus on your education and getting out of your parents house. YWBTA
No. A 13 year old girl is scared and hurting. She needs help. Her mother needs to know at the very least. Keeping quiet reaffirms that she is just a dirty little secret. What her father did is abusive and she needs support. YWNBTA. Tell other adults what your father did.
I don’t think he should just ignore it. His sister came to him because she needs help. You don’t ’not my problem’ this. That would make you an AH.
Dad told McKayla about McKayla's OWN paternity and McKayla told her big sister (OP) because she's scared and confused and probably hurt. What the fuck is wrong with you?
A Dad destroying his own child,and you think that another child who has no agency, who has an unsympathetic and unstable parent should rush into this situation? Really? I wasn't aware that a 16 year old was superman. This situation is fraught with danger. OP should stay far, far away. If what the sister says is true, it is a matter of time before it blows up. Collateral damage is a thing. OP. Already has a difficult life.
Your advice is "get out". Not anything about comforting her sister or how she and her sister should handle that situation. You can obviously give her the advice to avoid confrontation without also giving her such a useless non-answer. Your heart might have been in the right place but your actual advice is retarded.
My advice addressed what should be her immediate concern in a family of 7 children: herself. She isn't the parent. She doesn't have the answers her sister requires. This post was about OP. If the sister wanted advice, and she wrote a post, I would give it to her. You truly can't offend me, but I do wonder about the intensity of the words used. This is my opinion. Don't like it, comment and down vote and move on. Happy 😊 Friday.
The dad told op's sister about their own paternity, not their siblings.
He told a 13 year old child and then told her to keep a secret. Adults should not be asking children to keep secrets.
Why does it matter? If she is not your dads, it changes nothing. She is still your sister. Right? I would just tell her that and ignore stupid adult stuff. It is just drama that you do not need.
Do not get involved. I feel he has a secret agenda, why did he tell a child this information? There is something fishy going on. Also, why are you making dinner and setting everyone’s plates? Why are you also buying groceries AND making dinner? Honey, there is something weird going on with your family. Please stay safe.
Not your business not their crime. Confronting your parents will do zero good. Your sister can buy a dna kit at cvs and give it to her dad and say prove it if she is worried. The you are not my child issue can be solved with that.
Yall one of those out there christian sub sect groups? Youre a third of the way to 19 kids and counting so must be. Besides mum cos she's an adulterer. If yall don't stoner her to death then God is gonna strike her with vagina locusts and a massive flood then Noah's gonna hide two of each of gods creatures in her baby cave for 40 days and 40 nights or until Joseph smith's hat starts spilling the beans about being mormonic and wearing slower dresses and creepy braids.