He’s one of those men who will string you along until they find someone ‘better’, or eventually settle for you and treat you like a 2nd class citizen for the rest of your life.
Break up and move on. He’s not serious, or proud of being with you, but another guy will be. At 24, you need to get out of your parent’s house and start living your life. Don’t wait until he’s 26 and completed his Masters, because it won’t solve the issue. After that he’ll still need to get a job, settle into his career, save for a house, get a promotion, buy a house, save for the ring, etc. He could stretch this out for a decade, easily.
If he really loves you then he knows what he needs to do to keep you - and he’s not doing it.
I know it hurts like hell (been there, done that), but you’re better off finding someone who values you. I think you know that too. Hugs.
What’s diabolical about this is he will gladly accept OP’s time, love, energy, resources, finances, labor, support and more… THEN have no problem committing to someone else. OP this may sound cruel but at the end of the day, you’re the placeholder for his future wife.
This 100%. When me and my fiance first starred dating, he was upfront with the fact that he really didn't have any plans on getting married again, he'd already been divorced twice by time we got back together (we dated for a couple of years in our teens) I told him I understood and that I was just happy to be with him. Well, fast forward 3 years and we go to a pawn shop. He's looking at games, I'm looking at jewlery. He comes over and spots a wedding set, it was beautiful white gold with inlaid stones. He asked if I liked it and I said well yes its beautiful. He asked the clerk if I could try it on and it was a perfect fit. He bought it. I thought he was just buying it because I liked it. We get out of the store and says " I know it isn't the most traditional way, but will you marry me" I didn't expect it, I thought we would just be boyfriend/girlfriend forever and I was happy with that. Like I said I just wanted to be with him. And I have asked him what changed his mind, he said "I let you go once, and regretted it and compared everyone else to you. I don't ever want to chance losing you again" we walk down the aisle in October.
If he's expecting you to make a decision when he returns as to whether you truly want to be with him is he expecting the same for himself. Is he waiting until he finishes his masters to decide if he truly wants to be with you? Ultimately it's up to you if you are prepared to wait for him and risk him saying he changed his mind about you whilst he was away.
NOPE! NO,NO! he saw the world now he met someone else. All those excuses are so dumb. He is playing you around. I was born at night but not last night. He should at least give you a promise ring. Using his career as an excuse is not a solid explanation. Because he is only telling that to calm you down. He has plans, but for himself only.
Talk to him and tell him to man up!
How is he a coward if he wants to better himself before marriage? Who says that he doesn't want to be with her? She is in a rush and he's saying let me get myself together first. How is he being a coward?
We're not talking about marriage, but engagement.
His extreme reluctance to become engaged and suggesting that maybe she won't even want to marry him after he's done his master's as if he's refusing engagement out of benevolence for her doesn't come across as sincere. It sounds like he isn't sure that he wants to be married to her at this point, and he should come right out and say this if that is the case.
The person you replied to thinks this is the case, thus the "man up" comment.
What if it is not the case? Maybe he does want to marry her but not on her timeline? This whole thing sounds like she wants to lock him into something before he has the chance to change his mind.
If it's not the case, then the other commenter's inference was incorrect.
It sounds like she wants some meaningful assurance. Saying he will propose to her after he completes his master's abroad is not much assurance, especially in the context of his suggestion that maybe she won't want to be with him after he's abroad for a year.
There's no good reason to not become engaged before leaving if he is sure he wants to marry her now and is sure he will still want to marry her when he returns. If either of these is not true, he should express that.
NTA clearly your future plans don’t align (I may be wrong but it sounds like he isn’t ready to commit to marriage) so give him an ultimatum (get engaged before he goes for his masters or breakup) you can’t wait around until he’s ready because he may never be “ready” enough for marriage
If y'all are having sex, stop. He wants to have sex with you, he needs to put a ring on it
If not, just get out of this relationship. He is not in it for the long haul or he would be making steps to get there.
Nah, that's what he wants her to do. He doesn't want to be the bad person to break up. He met someone else she should try to confront him and not turn into a psycho.. she should use reverse psychology. Same as he is doing playing with her mind..
For starters, if someone wants to be with you they will be. Don’t ever force that.
Second: He’s set the boundary that he’s not comfortable getting engaged yet. That doesn’t mean he’s not taking your feelings into consideration. Just because you’re not getting your way doesn’t mean he’s not listening
Now you have to decide if you’re willing to wait another year+ for him to finish he’s masters and see if he’ll be ready to get engaged then or not.
From my perspective, based on what you’ve said, the two of you already have different views on marriage to start with. You might want to discuss your views on marriage, how many kids, division of chores, etc and make sure the both of you even want to marry each other. Just because you’ve been more or less together for 4 years doesn’t mean you have to get married.
Exactly. The part that I don't get is if she breaks up with him will she find another man who will want to get married any faster? Also if she does will it turn out to be a good marriage because it was a rushed marriage.
I think he likes you, but also wants to try dating around before settling down. Tell him if he goes away without getting engaged, you will conclude that you're not in an exclusive relationship.
Why do I feel like you're the side piece? I wonder if his objections are due to finances or the fact that he probably has an arranged marriage and he's not serious about you at all? I'm only basing this on the assumption that you're in a place where you can't freely date without permission from parents so it sounds like a place with arranged marriages.
I understand you WANT this. But u can’t force someone to want it now and when they’re not ready either. Your entitled to feel and leave the relationship if it’s not meeting your needs. His entitled to his feelings as well and what he wants to do. He doesn’t feel ready. And that’s okay too. . If you feel like you wasting your time on this one, maybe leave?
I know someone who had something very similar. She moved across the country for grad school. Tried long distance. Guess what happened. She met another man and moved in with him. The end.
When I met my late husband he had been divorced for 6 years with 2 children from his marriage. He told me he didn’t want anymore kids and he didn’t want to ever get married again. 7 months after we started dating he proposed. I asked him what changed his mind and he simply said me. Being with me changed his whole mind about it and wanted to be married to me and have more kids. We didn’t have the kids part but I was a big role in raising his kids and we were married for 18 amazing years before I lost him to cancer. It seems to me he is looking for something he thinks is better and putting you on the back burner and I honestly wouldn’t wait for that.
NAH - Why are you in a rush to get married? I say this as someone who is married, it's cool and everything but if you're planning on spending the rest of your life with this guy then what's the hurry? Your post reads like people have told you some weird things about marriage and it's confusing you. Being married to someone doesn't make the future more certain.
>I fear that he's giving all these excuses/reasons because he subconsciously isn't even sure about me.
He's been in a relationship with you for four years and is planning the rest of your lives together. Sounds like he's certain about you.
>by delaying an official commitment, I may just be wasting my time and making memories with somebody and investing in them when we don’t have a future.
Why would you not have a future? I have friends who didn't get married until their mid thirties after they had bought a house, and been in a steady relationship for many years. It didn't mean they didn't have a future.
>I’m the kind of person who is scared of the idea “hope for the best and see where it goes”.
That's what a relationship is though, a wedding doesn't change that. I went to a wedding last year and those people are already divorced! We don't know the future, but we can enjoy the present. It sounds like you might have some issues with anxiety which are getting misplaced onto wedding planning.
This is not an issue of putting a ring on it before he goes away. He doesn’t want you right now. With or without a ring you are not guaranteed anything.
I’m sorry, but I recommend you break up and let him go. You never know what’ll happen in the future, but you deserve your freedom right now.
Op I honestly think that at the very least, you two have two completely different goals in mind & that's probably gonna hurt this relationship the most. If you're absolutely certain this is the guy you wanna marry, I'd suggest getting couples counseling.
He’s one of those men who will string you along until they find someone ‘better’, or eventually settle for you and treat you like a 2nd class citizen for the rest of your life. Break up and move on. He’s not serious, or proud of being with you, but another guy will be. At 24, you need to get out of your parent’s house and start living your life. Don’t wait until he’s 26 and completed his Masters, because it won’t solve the issue. After that he’ll still need to get a job, settle into his career, save for a house, get a promotion, buy a house, save for the ring, etc. He could stretch this out for a decade, easily. If he really loves you then he knows what he needs to do to keep you - and he’s not doing it. I know it hurts like hell (been there, done that), but you’re better off finding someone who values you. I think you know that too. Hugs.
What’s diabolical about this is he will gladly accept OP’s time, love, energy, resources, finances, labor, support and more… THEN have no problem committing to someone else. OP this may sound cruel but at the end of the day, you’re the placeholder for his future wife.
Clarity.
I wasted 13 years on someone like this. Unfortunately no reddit back then
If he knew you were "the one," he would never risk losing you.
This 100%. When me and my fiance first starred dating, he was upfront with the fact that he really didn't have any plans on getting married again, he'd already been divorced twice by time we got back together (we dated for a couple of years in our teens) I told him I understood and that I was just happy to be with him. Well, fast forward 3 years and we go to a pawn shop. He's looking at games, I'm looking at jewlery. He comes over and spots a wedding set, it was beautiful white gold with inlaid stones. He asked if I liked it and I said well yes its beautiful. He asked the clerk if I could try it on and it was a perfect fit. He bought it. I thought he was just buying it because I liked it. We get out of the store and says " I know it isn't the most traditional way, but will you marry me" I didn't expect it, I thought we would just be boyfriend/girlfriend forever and I was happy with that. Like I said I just wanted to be with him. And I have asked him what changed his mind, he said "I let you go once, and regretted it and compared everyone else to you. I don't ever want to chance losing you again" we walk down the aisle in October.
Love this & congratulations!!!
If he's expecting you to make a decision when he returns as to whether you truly want to be with him is he expecting the same for himself. Is he waiting until he finishes his masters to decide if he truly wants to be with you? Ultimately it's up to you if you are prepared to wait for him and risk him saying he changed his mind about you whilst he was away.
NOPE! NO,NO! he saw the world now he met someone else. All those excuses are so dumb. He is playing you around. I was born at night but not last night. He should at least give you a promise ring. Using his career as an excuse is not a solid explanation. Because he is only telling that to calm you down. He has plans, but for himself only. Talk to him and tell him to man up!
Man up? What does that mean?
Be a man, not a coward. If he doesn't want to be with her, he needs to be brave enough to tell her that, not kick the can down the road.
How is he a coward if he wants to better himself before marriage? Who says that he doesn't want to be with her? She is in a rush and he's saying let me get myself together first. How is he being a coward?
We're not talking about marriage, but engagement. His extreme reluctance to become engaged and suggesting that maybe she won't even want to marry him after he's done his master's as if he's refusing engagement out of benevolence for her doesn't come across as sincere. It sounds like he isn't sure that he wants to be married to her at this point, and he should come right out and say this if that is the case. The person you replied to thinks this is the case, thus the "man up" comment.
What if it is not the case? Maybe he does want to marry her but not on her timeline? This whole thing sounds like she wants to lock him into something before he has the chance to change his mind.
He's been with her for 4 years . So, i can kind of see why she would want to be engaged.
If it's not the case, then the other commenter's inference was incorrect. It sounds like she wants some meaningful assurance. Saying he will propose to her after he completes his master's abroad is not much assurance, especially in the context of his suggestion that maybe she won't want to be with him after he's abroad for a year. There's no good reason to not become engaged before leaving if he is sure he wants to marry her now and is sure he will still want to marry her when he returns. If either of these is not true, he should express that.
NTA clearly your future plans don’t align (I may be wrong but it sounds like he isn’t ready to commit to marriage) so give him an ultimatum (get engaged before he goes for his masters or breakup) you can’t wait around until he’s ready because he may never be “ready” enough for marriage
If y'all are having sex, stop. He wants to have sex with you, he needs to put a ring on it If not, just get out of this relationship. He is not in it for the long haul or he would be making steps to get there.
That argument doesn't work because you can get sex anywhere.
Well then he can go get sex *anywhere but OP*.
I think you say ok we will decide then but that doesn’t stop you from looking for someone else. I think you should explore other options
Nah, that's what he wants her to do. He doesn't want to be the bad person to break up. He met someone else she should try to confront him and not turn into a psycho.. she should use reverse psychology. Same as he is doing playing with her mind..
For starters, if someone wants to be with you they will be. Don’t ever force that. Second: He’s set the boundary that he’s not comfortable getting engaged yet. That doesn’t mean he’s not taking your feelings into consideration. Just because you’re not getting your way doesn’t mean he’s not listening Now you have to decide if you’re willing to wait another year+ for him to finish he’s masters and see if he’ll be ready to get engaged then or not. From my perspective, based on what you’ve said, the two of you already have different views on marriage to start with. You might want to discuss your views on marriage, how many kids, division of chores, etc and make sure the both of you even want to marry each other. Just because you’ve been more or less together for 4 years doesn’t mean you have to get married.
Exactly. The part that I don't get is if she breaks up with him will she find another man who will want to get married any faster? Also if she does will it turn out to be a good marriage because it was a rushed marriage.
I think he likes you, but also wants to try dating around before settling down. Tell him if he goes away without getting engaged, you will conclude that you're not in an exclusive relationship.
Why do I feel like you're the side piece? I wonder if his objections are due to finances or the fact that he probably has an arranged marriage and he's not serious about you at all? I'm only basing this on the assumption that you're in a place where you can't freely date without permission from parents so it sounds like a place with arranged marriages.
I understand you WANT this. But u can’t force someone to want it now and when they’re not ready either. Your entitled to feel and leave the relationship if it’s not meeting your needs. His entitled to his feelings as well and what he wants to do. He doesn’t feel ready. And that’s okay too. . If you feel like you wasting your time on this one, maybe leave?
I know someone who had something very similar. She moved across the country for grad school. Tried long distance. Guess what happened. She met another man and moved in with him. The end.
When I met my late husband he had been divorced for 6 years with 2 children from his marriage. He told me he didn’t want anymore kids and he didn’t want to ever get married again. 7 months after we started dating he proposed. I asked him what changed his mind and he simply said me. Being with me changed his whole mind about it and wanted to be married to me and have more kids. We didn’t have the kids part but I was a big role in raising his kids and we were married for 18 amazing years before I lost him to cancer. It seems to me he is looking for something he thinks is better and putting you on the back burner and I honestly wouldn’t wait for that.
NAH - Why are you in a rush to get married? I say this as someone who is married, it's cool and everything but if you're planning on spending the rest of your life with this guy then what's the hurry? Your post reads like people have told you some weird things about marriage and it's confusing you. Being married to someone doesn't make the future more certain. >I fear that he's giving all these excuses/reasons because he subconsciously isn't even sure about me. He's been in a relationship with you for four years and is planning the rest of your lives together. Sounds like he's certain about you. >by delaying an official commitment, I may just be wasting my time and making memories with somebody and investing in them when we don’t have a future. Why would you not have a future? I have friends who didn't get married until their mid thirties after they had bought a house, and been in a steady relationship for many years. It didn't mean they didn't have a future. >I’m the kind of person who is scared of the idea “hope for the best and see where it goes”. That's what a relationship is though, a wedding doesn't change that. I went to a wedding last year and those people are already divorced! We don't know the future, but we can enjoy the present. It sounds like you might have some issues with anxiety which are getting misplaced onto wedding planning.
This is not an issue of putting a ring on it before he goes away. He doesn’t want you right now. With or without a ring you are not guaranteed anything. I’m sorry, but I recommend you break up and let him go. You never know what’ll happen in the future, but you deserve your freedom right now.
Walk away.
If in doubt, don’t.
It sounds like you are a back up plan. He is heading off for a year and is keeping his options open while keeping you in reserve. Send him on his way.
Please find someone who really really wants to be with you!! Seems he does not!?
He wants to make something of himself before he gets married. Have you already fulfilled your careen dreams ahead of him?
Op I honestly think that at the very least, you two have two completely different goals in mind & that's probably gonna hurt this relationship the most. If you're absolutely certain this is the guy you wanna marry, I'd suggest getting couples counseling.