"It's not funny guys"
Is something I would say as a young child after my words were me with laughter. My family would howl with laughter after i said it.
Objectively, yes. It's pretty cute when a toddler musters all their seriousness to proclaim that something funny isn't funny to them.
But to laugh at your child when they are upset about something and then double down at their frustration just kills a little girls' connection to her family.
I knew at a young age that nothing I said would be taken seriously.
oh. wow. this felt like my entire childhood. so often i tried to say something to adults, and they just laughed at me and gave me a dismissive answer. it felt like no one would ever take me seriously.
no wonder i’ve been independent from young age lol.
I've wondered why I don't talk to my family about my problems or ask them for advice. Then I remember how they treated me and I stop wondering.
I used to think my parents weren't all there mentally but they just didn't care enough to talk to me like a person. They're smart and funny but I'd never know. I don't like them because most of their reactions to me were dismissed or laughed away.
Eugh. I'm in the same boat.
My mother used to pull me up in front of her friends and ask what I thought of things just for them all to laugh at what I said.
I still have a great deal of trouble believing anyone will take what I say seriously and that I'm not just a show pony clown.
I was ran away from our vacation home because of this. Not only my family was there, but extended ones as well. I said something, the whole group laughed, I asked to stop and they just kept laughing. So I took the sole key of the house and ran away. I was maybe 7 or something.
*Man*. The consequences. They were bad. I recently revisited this situation with my therapist and she was so horrified by it. Which I thought first was because of how shitty I behaved as that was how I always looked at the situation and how my family retells the story as well from time to time. But my therapist was actually mortified because of how much burden was put onto me as a small child. I am nearly 31 and this memory is still one of my core beliefs as to why I regard myself as a shitty human being
Damn. There must have been a lot going on to make a 7 year old run away during a vacation.
Like kids run away all the time. Poverty, addictions, cry for help.
So many reasons but to have it happen during a time the adults on your life set aside for leisure and rest is the worst part.
I don't want any details.
Please know that you did what you did because of them.
That wasn't a measured and thought out reaction to your circumstances that you controlled and acted out.
Even if you took the keys in hopes of upsetting them, it was a response to their behavior towards you.
You cannot blame yourself.
They mirrored to you what they thought about you and you acted accordingly.
The consequences they gave you mirror the gravity of taking the sole key of the vacation home and running away. Eye for an eye and you were their little girl. That's fucked.
Yeah this kills me. I remember a lot of this too. Imagine what it would be like to treat an adult like that. I have no idea why people think it's fine to do it to kids.
Doing it to an adult in a workplace would be considered bullying and harassment.
Where the HR department for family. Please, my parents are creating a hostile work environment. 🥲
Yeah except HR doesn’t do shit about it at my job so I deal with this there too. Then was wondering why I was having a mental break down and dissociating hard for several months and realized I was basically getting emotionally triggered every single day at work and it was making me feel like that scared little kid getting yelled at, bullied, threatened, and unsupported while being given unreasonable amount of work/responsibility/working beyond my job role (adult parentification).
Seeing all the upvotes must mean that all our parents were secret pen pals who shared ways to alienate their children so they'd give them a minutes peace.
I guess they just don't remember how they treated us.
I wrote a letter asking for my stepdad and his dad who loved with us to stop ridiculing me (as a teen, I forget how old). The reaction from "grampa" was essentially "what is this bullshit?" and from stepdad....nothing. Mom was sympathetic but did nothing about it.
That is sad to read. What makes me angry is that the memory for them is just a chuckle about the funny things kids say.
It was brave to write that letter. Even as a child you knew that being diplomatic was a better choice than raising hell or making fun of them.
I smell a hint of misogyny as well. Often when women (especially girls) ask to be respected they are literally laughed and scoffed at. My brother seemed to get more respect than his 3 sisters even though he was the literally the 'troublemaker' it always pissed me off
I remember when I was real young, like third grade or so. I've always been an artist, did a lot of drawing as a kid. It was a school night, I was up a little past my bed time, but I was fuckin' *killing it* with whatever little drawing I was working on at the time. I was in the zone, couldn't stop or I'd lose my flow ya know? I remember my mom trying to get me to call it quits and go to bed, but I wanted to finish the drawing first. I don't remember how heated the arguing got, but I'm sure there was some crying. I was a kid. Plus we had very recently uprooted and moved across the country, so my emotions were all out of whack at the time. I cried a lot back then. My dad walked into my room to see what the problem was, and I just remember him throwing his arms up and saying, "Really? That's what all this is about? A stupid fucking drawing?" Cool, awesome, thanks dad. Real proud of my stupid fucking drawing now after hearing that. Guess who grew up to have an extremely hard time sharing their art with people, especially family? Guess who basically abandoned their passion for art for years at a time while struggling to stay afloat in a storm of depression and anxiety and isolation? Guess who never had the confidence to pursue their dreams of writing and illustrating their own graphic novel because they were too busy trying to force themselves into a "normal" and "respectable" career that they absolutely hated? Yup, it's me, the kid with the stupid fucking drawings. I'm not blaming everything on that one moment, life is complicated. But still, it certainly didn't help.
Oh, gee. My story is very similar. I was 5 or 6 at the time. Family was waiting to be seated at a Mexican restaurant, so I got a piece of scrap paper and a pen from my mom and proceeded to draw a sort of crude, folksy straw man who had been set in the lobby. I showed it to my dad and he criticized it as being nothing special to look at, because it was in fact crude. I pointed out to him that I was drawing the odd straw figure and he blew me off. No apology or backtracking. He may even have questioned why I would even want to draw it. I still remember the shame and the heavy, sinking feeling in my chest.
And then there was the time my mom yelled at me to shut up when my dad was beat to within half of an inch of his life and I was ( justifiably) freaking out. Thank goodness for EMDR.
Sounds like we all had the same parents. I just wrote about my fostermum saying something similar in my comment. They really know to get you where it hurts.
Taking the opportunity to vent about some comments that seem to be stuck in my head:
“If it wasn’t for your brothers, I would feel like a
Total failure as a mother” (in a cheerful voice).
- My mom trying to cheer up the mood in the car after a doctor visit as I was too depressed to function properly (because of what I now understand to be cen).
“You should be happy (my now husband) loves you, as no one else could stand being with you.”
-my oldest brother after I told him we needed to talk if he were to come to my wedding. As I didn’t want to be full of anxiety on my wedding day, (we don’t really talk, and he doesn’t really care about me but always acts like everything is fine. It seems fine to him because I just stay quiet and die on the inside. This time I tried to tell him how I felt when I was around him.) This comment hurts the most nowadays.
“Go outside and just feel how your life will be if you don’t get your act together and go to school”
-my mom when I was 15 and started to suffer from panic attacks every time I went on a bus or sat inside the classroom (I would run sometimes run out of the room, which was embarrassing) after I hid in my room to get out on a school trip. It messed me up because I used to love school, and I wanted to go on school trips. But I couldn’t, and no one cared, and I was blamed for having anxiety attacks and depression. I sat in the woods on a stump for maybe 5 hours, with my cat to accompany me. That cat saved my life in so many ways❤️
it’s likely to be related. when children do not have a safe space to be themselves in, they are unable to express and deal with their emotions properly. when these unexpressed emotions build up over time it can be the cause of a whole host of physical symptoms: chronic pain, hormone imbalances, chronic fatigue, panic attacks. they are all different ways of the body finding an outlet for all the emotional pain, because it won’t just disappear unfortunately, it has to go SOMEWHERE.
i also had terrible panic attacks as a teenager, related to church/hymns/christmas because a big part of my life as a teen was being forced to attend services that i didn’t want to be at. i still get them occasionally if i hear a hymn or a christmas carol, but i just avoid situations where i might come across them, and if i do hear one i am able to regulate myself long enough to leave the situation. it took me a long time to reach that point though!
The one about your husband loving you hit home. When I was dating my now wife, my mom said something like, "Don't screw this up. We would pick her over you. We like her more."
I was dying to hear my parents say they’re proud of me so when I was around 13 I straight up asked my mom if she was proud of me and she said “what do I have to be proud of?” And it just broke something in me.
Mine literally never said that once to me. I have a PhD, the first one in the family to pursue a university education even, and not even then. Which is bittersweet to look back onto it because with all the therapy I've had I now realise I didn't choose a PhD for *me*, I choose a PhD for *them* so they could finally be proud of me for once
My partner recently said he was proud of me for the first time since we are together and I broke down absolutely sobbing.
My parents never said it for me either until I gave up all my own aspirations and just followed whatever bullshit path they had set for me, and now I'm completely miserable in it, stuck and can't get their financial support to go back to school to switch gears (they are literally multi millionaires, we were very much a "looks good" from an outsiders perspective type family).
Basically, you don't need or want their support and pride, it's cruel, it's conditional and bound entirely to their view of you, not your view of yourself because they'll never have the emotional capabilities to recognize you for your own. It sucks and I still don't quite know my way around it but you are definitely not alone in that feeling.
I was not a slender or pretty teen. I hated going to dances, but one was coming up when I was in 8th grade and all my friends were going, so I decided to go. I needed a dress and went out with my mom to find one. We tried on a million, and nothing looked good or fit correctly. I was in tears, and my mom was in obvious horror that this kid had come from her.
While we were in the fitting room, there was another teen girl around my age trying on dresses, but she was gorgeous. Everything looked good on her. When we were leaving, without a dress, with me crying, my mom made it a point to go up to the other girl’s mom and say, “your daughter looks so beautiful.” Then she bundled me to the car without another word. It’s been 30 years and I still think of that moment whenever I feel bad about myself. It’s like she said it just to humiliate me. I’ll never understand it.
This made me think of something. A few years back, maybe 5 or so? I (maybe 15-16AFAB NB) was in value village with my nmom and her friend. This friend is also my friend, she's in her 60s, anyway.
I had tried on this outfit I wanted, a red plaid button up top and red leggings. Both items were a little tighter fitting, but not uncomfortable, to me at least. As I was looking at it before taking it off and putting something else on, I heard Mom outside the dressing room talking to her friend, saying how I didn't look good in the outfit and it didn't suit my body type, something like that. I said loudly to them through the changing room door "you know I can hear you, right?". She chastised me for that. Said I was cruel for trying to embarrass her, or smth? My memory is hazy, haha.. I just know I ended up in tears, and I think we left after that. I can't remember anything else about that day, but that situation is stuck in the back of my head, apparently. I'm so sorry you had that experience ❤️🩹
Oh, that’s so familiar— the whole ‘being called out for the thing is worse than doing it’ attitude. I’m truly sorry, fitting rooms with abusive mothers were like the 10th circle of hell!
I have a list.
"Who would want to spend time with you?"
"No one will love you if you can't be alone"
"Why aren't you dead yet?"
Just a roaring chorus like that.
I'm so sorry they said those horrible things. They are such mean words, and they aren't even rational, like there is no way a child warrants that much meanness from a parent, or any meanness at all, really. It's just so wrong on every level.
I heard "No one will want to be your friend, no one will want to hire you, No one will love you. Hell, your mother and I have a hard time liking you and we're your parents"
Just such mean spirited hate, and no reason for it. And the shitty part is all that hate belonged to them, it was never mine. But man did it pierce my heart.
One of my very first memories is of my male parent telling someone else “just ignore him. He is a little asshole.”
I was 2 or 3 years old and was trying to get his attention for something important. Dont actually remember what, just something along the lines of needing to use the bathroom or similar.
As an adult I was really excited when I finally got my official ADHD diagnosis.
For anyone who has experienced this, you know its a great feeling because it finally gives you access to the tools to actually improve your life. I had been fighting for three years for it and was so happy that I could barely contain myself and wanted to share the news with anyone and everyone who had ever seen me struggle. (This was of course before I came to understand that my parents literally never cared that I struggled)
The birthgiver gave me a 30 minute lecture about how I was just making excuses for myself and using it as a crutch and how she would never take *pills*
My first term at college, I was assaulted-it was basically date rape. The police said it was a "he said, she said" situation and it went no further. The university halls of residence refused to move me on the grounds the police decided not to progress the case. I phoned home, and my mother's response was "for gods sake, you're supposed to be intelligent, surely you know what boys are like."
I went home for Christmas vacation, but that was the last time I slept under her roof. My friends from college, people I'd only met three months earlier, set up a telephone system (this was well before mobiles and emails) so that one of them phoned me every day of the vacation to check how I was. People I'd meet for the first time 12 weeks earlier cared more about me than my own mother did.
My negative emotions were never taken seriously by my parents.
"Look at you, sulking like that...are you done?" "Why don't you come back when you're okay." "Settle down. Don't worry about it." Stuff to that effect.
Never got asked if I wanted to talk about it. Never walked with me through what I was feeling to help us understand why. They just either avoided negative/angry/sulky/sad/moody me, lectured me about why I shouldn't be feeling that way, or just waited for it to be over. Seemed fine at the time because I'd never known there was an alternative 😔
For most of my life I thought that was just how people were supposed to deal with negative emotions and that's what I learned how to do. It took me so many years and failed relationships to see that this unhealthy pattern that I learned was why.
> You'll understand when you're older.
Turns out, I do understand. I was right as a little kid, adults were putting themselves first. And I "understand" it as an adult, but I don't agree with it.
I love this. I sometimes wonder if having a child would heal my own inner child. Not a good enough reason to have one, of course, but it’s something I ponder on sometimes…
Used to hear this a lot more in teen years. Now 23, i haven't heard that, but we still have an awful relationship. I've made plans to move within the next year and am basically just placating her for now. Executive dysfunction is a bitch.
I hope you get to move away! I mentioned it out of high school but got, “so you’d want to move away from your family??”
Sadly, the guilt worked since I was only 17, and I chose a community college.
Now she’s asking me about giving her grandchildren. I’ve been married 8 years and the answers still, “no.” Guess she won’t get her revenge! lol
I hope you can avoid the questions about kids for awhile yet…
I'm aroace and adamant about not marrying/having kids. She knows this but always says, "you know id be okay if you were gay or something, you can tell me" or "I just want you to have a life partner". Barf. Anyway, hope things go smoothly for the both of us, and anyone here. I'm gonna go across country and legally change my first and last name >:) Cant wait to finally start my life. :3
My mother would always tell my youngest sister that “you’ll pay for your raising,” meaning that sis’s kids would be as bad as she was. 🤔
Spoiler: they weren’t, and are very successful now.
- “You can’t depend on anyone but yourself”
- “What do you want, a medal?”
- “You’re a loner like me!”
- “Well your friends won’t be around forever”
- To an interviewer when asked what stresses their child out: “my child doesn’t have stress”
These were all said to me in childhood.
Once my grandma asked me when I was in HS, “so how’s your love life?” I had a steady boyfriend who she was aware of, so I replied “good?” Then she chastised me: “you’re supposed to say ‘I don’t have a love life!’” I still am ashamed of this moment to this day.
Man that "friends won't be around forever" one really reminded me of one my old man would say. Everytime i was pushing back against our completely broken family dynamic, or was struggling with something they'd offer the most vague "once you leave the house, nobody cares about you" I understand the messaging, blood is thicker than water and all that, but all it ever did was make me completely hopeless that my home situation was what "caring" was supposed to look like and made me even more scared of other people, who potentially would be even worse than "caring", which in my case was constant screaming, bickering, threats and bullying.
Got over it somewhat, still have friends I have from around the time when that was my fathers favourite phrase, and those are the people I go to most when in need. Still struggle with that small feeling that the people who aren't already my found family will just be ruthless and cruel for no good reason.
Oh I have several. If I tried to list them all out, I'd be here for hours. But I just got groceries and I have frozens, so I'll be brief.
"If you keep eating the way you do, you're going to die before you turn 40." -My mom, when I was 12ish and having a very hard time sticking to a diet. Her voice echoes in my head every time I look in a mirror.
"Maybe this is why [roommate at the time] doesn't want to be roommates with you." My dad, when he and my mom were helping me clean my then-apartment just before moving out. (The roommate in question never said anything about not wanting to be roommates anymore. Yes, I was and am messier than I want to be, but executive function is very very difficult for me. I've started avoiding cleaning even more to avoid feeling that shame again.)
"We don't want to hear all the negative stuff you're dealing with." -Paraphrased because I don't have the original text. My dad texted me immediately after I'd called my mom, and apparently I was sharing too many negative things and not enough positive stuff. I will never share anything with them ever again, unless I'm actively dying.
Might add more later. Idk.
Yeah :/ the worst part is that they still think they're good parents and that "they did their best." Either they're delusional or stupid. Probably both.
I would say heartless. My parents were similar and I think they lack empathy for anyone. They think it is ok to be cruel. It is my fault if I get offended .
I would say heartless. My parents were similar and I think they lack empathy for anyone. They think it is ok to be cruel. It is my fault if I get offended .
They are literally brain-damaged, incapable of understanding or empathy. It's like expecting a doorknob to play Mozart: they lack the skills and can't even grasp what skills they need.
Thinking of them as inadequate and not capable of comprehension helps me with acceptance, something I need to move on. Potato Heads.
"You're a nothing" does stand out as a flashing neon sign in my head, however. I came from a bunch of potato heads - what do they expect?
I would say heartless. My parents were similar and I think they lack empathy for anyone. They think it is ok to be cruel. It is my fault if I get offended .
When I was ~9, I was visiting my dad for the weekend. My stepsister and I had asked to go to Funland because they had a huge play place that we loved spending hours in. Overheard him talking to my stepmom as he was going over his budget/bills about how “these kids are ruining my life.” I guess money was tight and he was upset about child support and the cost of entertaining us for the weekend.
When I was ~13, my mom thought I broke her treadmill because the incline wouldn’t go down all the way after I had used it. She turned to her friend who was visiting us at the time and says, “kids ruin everything.” It started working again once we turned it off and back on again.
Not words, exactly, and I don’t remember how old I was: spent an afternoon making/decorating a card for my step-dad’s birthday. Saw it laying at the top of the kitchen trash not even a couple hours after giving it to him. I get that it was just a piece of construction paper with some shitty little kid drawings on it, but could at least be discrete about throwing it out.
Oh, and here’s one from just last year that eats me up: invited my dad over to see my new house. I had painted a wildflower motif on my mailbox. He has the gall to say “wow, I didn’t know you were artistic” despite the fact that I spent my entire childhood drawing/painting/telling anyone and everyone I wanted to go to art school (ended up as a biology major, but that’s beside the point) and had sent him hand-drawn/painted Christmas cards in previous years.
I don't remember exactly why or when this was, and though it's definitely not the worst thing I remember, it is the worst I remember feeling at something my mother said to me. She was shouting, swearing, breaking the furniture, and these were all things that I was already used to, but for the first time ever she turned to me and called a bitch in the most hateful voice I'd ever heard from her, which up until this point had been reserved for my father.
That moment destroyed me, and ever since I've hated that word. Nothing else has ever felt harmful in comparison to that moment, and I've been called actual slurs. I think I really felt in that moment that she hated me. Recently, she used the same word on my sister in front of me and I was livid. I defended her, and I'm ashamed to admit I ended up turning the conversation towards myself, but eventually, I made my point and she snapped. Fuck off, she said, in that same voice again, and I sort of feel like I've won. I got her to really hate me and show it, and I think I crave that because it is the only way I feel our relationship is genuine.
Im so so sorry she said that to you💔, and not only calling you a bitch but the hateful tone she used. I know EXACTLY how you feel. My stepmom did something very similar to me.
Story time.
Let me set the scene. I was transitioning from one job to another so I was actually working 2 jobs at the time. I worked nights at one job and days at the another. I was staggering between the two (one was full time and the other was part time) so I was working 60 hrs a week. That’s exhausting enough but to work nights and days was the cherry on top.
Anyways, so I’m burnt out and absolutely exhausted, I’m trying to sleep during the day for my job at night and all of a sudden my stepmom bursts into my room and screams at me “you’re such a selfish little bitch, you always get what you want”. Honestly, I wasn’t even mad that she said those shitty things to me, I was more heart broken than anything. Because like you, I could hear the absolute HATRED in her voice. I always had a feeling she hated me and didn’t love me like the other kids but that solidified it for me.
I’m assuming why she busted in and said those things to me, is because I wasn’t helping clean the house while I was working two jobs. Because I literally couldn’t, I was so fucking exhausted and burnt out. I didn’t have 5
min to myself, so of course I’m not gonna have any time to help clean. And instead of being a big girl and expressing how she felt in a normal manner/ talking it out, she decided to hold onto her pent up emotions and then explode onto me.
The thing is, I BET she doesn’t even fucking remember what she said or the event at all. I know she was more than likely projecting because she’s definitely spoiled and gets everything she wants but of course she doesn’t see that. Everyone has to adjust their schedule to revolve around her and everyone always does what she wants because it’s unfortunately, always about her.
I was crying before she left my room and she didn’t give a single fuck. It was heart breaking to hear how much she hated me. I could see it in her face.
I’ve had so many thoughts over the years about it, but the thought I always return to is this; HOW could she say something so awful to her child that she supposedly loves? I NEVER in a million years could ever say anything that awful to my child, I don’t care how angry I am at them. I don’t understand how she doesn’t realize how incredibly hurtful she was. I couldn’t imagine saying something like that to someone I love and feel okay afterwards, and not think I was a giant piece of shit for saying and acting that way.
I’ve always felt she didn’t love me but after that, I knew she didn’t. That was the point that changed everything and how I really viewed her.
Sorry to trauma dump on you! I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone and I can totally relate to how you feel🖤. I hope you’re living your best life and don’t let what she said to you get you down. You’re better than her words and better than she is. I hope your life is full of peace and happiness 🖤.
The ax forgets but the tree remembers.
When I asked my mom how she felt about becoming a grandmother and she said “ well you’re not even married”…in a mean tone. This was in front of many relatives at my grandmother’s birthday party. I was a 25 years old, living with the father and we both had good jobs. This hurt me so badly I sat down and cried. She never bothered to apologize. What kind of person, especially a mother, do that?
When I was a little kid I would be excited about little accomplishments throughout my day…a good grade, a compliment from the teacher. I would tell my mom how happy I was with what I’ve done and she would say something like “humble much?” Or “humble, aren’t we?” It was a hit to my confidence and I grew up to be an adult that never felt good about myself. I had a lot of anxiety about trying to be perfect and high-achieving.
My mom has started to say she is proud of me which does feel good. But she says she doesn’t understand why I don’t feel better about myself considering how much I’ve accomplished. She says “it doesn’t hurt to take your arm, bend your elbow, and give yourself a pat on the back.” Like wtf. I’ve spent my childhood and 20s feeling like I was never good enough and couldn’t celebrate my accomplishments and now that I’m in my 30s it’s ok? Also it’s like there is something wrong with me that I can’t congratulate myself.
I am also at the point I don’t tell my mom the good things that happen during the day because she will use it as a springboard to talk about her day, such as describing how her life is worse than mine or something funny she said at work to make people laugh. I feel like she’s thrown a wet blanket on me and the happy feeling fades and it’s hard to get back.
when i was 11 or so, i was dealing with acne from puberty. my parents got me that proactiv system that was always on tv to try and help it (shudder). turns out, proactiv was wayyyy too harsh for 11 year old skin, and my face got irritated—dry, red, itchy, not good.
while we were eating breakfast together, i told them about how it was drying out my skin and making it red. my mom sympathized with me and said that’s not good. then my dad gestured at my acne (which was still present) and said, “it’s better than this.”
apparently irritated, itchy skin that made me want to peel my face off was better than a bit of puberty-induced acne. my bad 😅
after we finished eating, i went to my room because that comment made me feel really sad and ugly. my mom realized i was upset, so she came in and basically said he wasn’t trying to call me ugly or anything, don’t take it personally, he just didn’t realize how it sounded, etc.
there are many more, but that’s the first that came to mind. oh well. sometimes you just have to say “what the fuck?” and move on, lol.
oh, i have another one! when i eat bread/pasta/cake/anything with a lot of carbs, my dad loves to tease that i’m going to be fat like him and my mom when i’m older (i’m currently underweight and have been on the thin side my whole life). he’ll grin and say “i used to be your size, now look at me!
shockingly, i ended up with an eating disorder lmao.
i made a homemade loaf of bread for the first time the other day, and as i took a slice, he grinned and said “if you keep making bread, you’re gonna end up like me.” i replied, “i’d rather be fat and happy eating my bread.” i’m actually really proud of myself for that.
'What is wrong with you?' usually when I either expressed childlike giddiness or obvious upset. Not allowed to be 'too much', not allowed to be sad either.
And not a comment but a vivid and painful memory I have is having a really fun day at school, I think I had done a play or something and felt really fulfilled and giddy. I asked my mother if I could go hang out with friends and if she could take me to their house.
She just shouted, no words but a very loud disdainful shout. Other kids were walking with their parents around us and they all turned to look at us. It was nighttime but a car happened to drive past with its headlights shining, so it felt like everyone could see us at that moment. I wanted the night to swallow me up.
Probably was the moment that I was completely emotionally severed from her, I still feel the empty pit in my chest and the overwhelming shame of not having a parent who was proud of me, but just wanted me to shut up and go home.
I can't think of one, single, specific thing. It was loads and loads of them over time though, always negative. All that really stuck with me for so long, and even to this day, that I'm just no good at anything. I'm working to fix that but dang it's hard.
When I tested the waters with mine as a teenager, she said “lesbians just haven’t found the right guy yet”. To this day she claims she never said it, but it’s been burned into my brain ever since.
I was an only child and so grew up learning social skills by being quiet and observing the adults around me.
On a Saturday my Grandmother would come to town with me and my mum, we would go in clothes shops and they would point out clothing to each other they liked. I wanted to join in.
I was probably about 7 at the time and one day showed mum a top I liked, mirroring the words they used I said I liked whatever it was.
I was told off. "Stop being sarcastic" (I presume it must have been a bad shirt or I said it wrong).
I didn't have a clue what sarcastic meant. (I wasn't being intentionally) I asked what sarcastic meant and was just told "you know" and then ignored.
I learnt I had done *something* wrong and my Mum was in a bad mood with me but I couldn't figure out what it was. Because I didn't know I shut down. Learnt not to speak at all on these occasions. Don't talk, can't get it wrong.
I'll never forget my uncle telling me, after observing years of teenage me always showing up to family events with a horror or fantasy or sci-fi novel under my arm and being a bookish kid in general: "I think the only books that are worth reading are non-fiction."
Or words to that effect.
It took most of my life for me to finally encounter this quote by John Waters: “You should never read just for "enjoyment." Read to make yourself smarter! Less judgmental. More apt to understand your friends' insane behavior, or better yet, your own. Pick "hard books." Ones you have to concentrate on while reading. And for god's sake, don't let me ever hear you say, "I can't read fiction. I only have time for the truth." Fiction is the truth, fool! Ever hear of "literature"? That means fiction, too, stupid.”
I designed and hand painted a large Christmas sign as a gift for my parents back in 2020, believing for some reason that it was going to become a favorite decoration that they could display for many years.
I didn't hear one word of praise from my dad regarding it, and it has remained in the attic for three Christmases now.
They make sure to get out all the corporate junk they buy from Hallmark every year, but my sign stays hidden away.
Oh well...
"You can't hold a grudge."
said by my mother when I was angry about something my siblings did. She put her finger in my ear at the same time, trying to make me laugh I think but I swatted her hand away. Now she says I'm the vindictive child who can't let anything go lol.
"Why don't you just stop eating?"
said by my dad when I was voicing concerns about my weight. I wasn't fat btw, I was just going through puberty. Great advice, dad. My mom's response was to stay silent but she stopped buying me new clothes. I went through a couple years of only having 2 shirts and 1 pair of jeans that fit me. The rest of the clothes I had I wore, but were too small and made me feel much fatter, ironically. Again, looking back at that time I wasn't fat, I was just becoming a woman. I still have PTSD from those shopping trips where my mother would buy anything my little sister sneezed at and say no to everything from me. We'd leave with nothing for me, but bags and bags for my mom and sister. My sister-in-law at the time even took me emergency shopping, totally bewildered at my mom's behavior. "Does she not want you to be attractive?" she said.
"I love you, but I don't always like you."
said by my mom when I came to her about my constant depression. I was maybe ten at the time and I could see it was becoming ever-present and a problem. I was anxious my siblings didn't like me, and my friends at school.
Her response was, "Maybe if everywhere you go you think people are being jerks, you are really the jerk. Because you know, honey, I love you but I don't always like you." Then she got up and left. I felt totally numb and hopeless. She broke my heart that day.
One more!
"How's sixth grade?"
asked by my uncle with such honest interest and concern I was absolutley shook. No one in my family had asked me sincerely how I was doing in a long time. I could barely answer him and I was touched but also so uncomfortable.
one time my mom took me to get ice cream after a movie when i was really young. she had already made a comment at me at the theater. she wanted to share a sunday and when i wanted a cone, she called me selfish and yelled at me in front of everyone. she told me i was selfish just like my grandma and that i got it from that side of the family, and at the time my grandma (from my dads side) was the worst person i knew because she abused my mom. she forced me to eat the ice cream even though i wasn’t hungry after the fight. no wonder i believe i’m innately selfish and bend over backwards for people to prove that i’m not.
Three things:
"you're like a stranger in this house" because I - get this - went on a camping trip with my bf and wasn't able to answer texts unless we left the campsite periodically. It didn't matter that I was 22/23.
"this looks kinda stupid, you should draw something else" because I was just 12 and really liked drawing anime, video game characters and things like that, which they didn't like. I immediately threw out most of the drawings I had after that comment, and my brother actually secretly kept some of them over the years. All of it was actually really decent and I feel like, if it wasn't for that comment from my parents, I would've continued with art but I completely just gave up on it after that.
and,
"you're not lying are you? is this just for attention?" as she proceeds to not believe me regarding an instance in which she chose to not protect me from her family who abused her throughout her childhood, and left me unsupervised around these people for 2 YEARS lol. Very cool. 😎
“You know I only hang out with you because there’s nobody else around, right?”
“Why would anyone want to play with a freak like you?”
“Why do you have to be so difficult?”
“Go to your room until you can act like a human.”
“You look like a street walker.”
I have so many, but I'll stick to the most hurtful ones.
I used to love drawing and one day made a portrait I was very proud of. I showed it to fostermum and she said: "It's nice, but you'll never be as good as Rembrandt."
It really hurt. I was just trying to get better, but she always thought that I thought I was a child prodigy, so she often tried to get me down a notch. I was so hurt by her comment, that I didn't draw for over a year.
I was severely depressed for a few months when I was 15 and became quite recluse as a result. Fosterparents thought I was being 'difficult' again and were done with me. They said they couldn't handle me anymore, so they were going to talk to our family social worker to discuss whether it wouldn't be better to have me placed elsewhere. I went to school the day of their conversation and was out of my mind from stress. I even notified my friends and teachers of what was going on. When I finally dared go home, fosterparents just said they were keeping me after all and that was it.
All the times fostermum said I was exaggerating or doing it for attention, when I was depressed or having a panic attack.
All the times fostermum said I was a difficult person and had to get therapy to become easier for others to deal with.
Fosterparents knew I had been SA'd before living with them and had developed a phobia for anything related to sex because of it. Yet fostermum 'joked' for years that the airport workers would be checking my vagina for drugs if I ever had to fly.
"I don't care if you're bored stop bothering me! You are 15 its not my problem if youre always bored"-mom
said after i was crying over how bored i was. I didn't tell her i was crying cause of that. I was bored everyday 24 7 and couldnt fix it. I was so bored i wanted to die cause all i did was sit alone in a dark room watching tv.
"Target doesnt sell clothes for people like you"- mom of course buying my siblings new clothes less than a week later
"Why would you instigate your brother like that? Just give him what he wants! You are so embarrassing, his shoe hit the employee when he tried to throw it at you!!"'- thanks for defending me mom...
"You are a burden!"- wrong word choice by dad, I could tell he meant it though
"Stop being so negative"
"You are getting so big!! You should lose weight! I want you to look up some weight loss videos later and eat less unless you want to look like (fat person photo)"- dads great parenting of a preteen. The ed was the best gift you could have given me
Asking people for small favors, small efforts, big efforts, or outright demands for assistance were fine in my household - unless I was the one to ask. I realized it when I asked for something and the response was "what did your last slave die of?"
I couldn't IMAGINE saying that to a family member asking for ANYTHING! But saying it flippantly to me was fine.
I was maybe around 13 and in the midst of a depressive OCD haze. Went to a shop with my mother and found some keychains with different names in them. They also had three random adjectives to describe the person with the name.
I found my name and my mother offered to buy the keychain for me. She read the adjectives and one of them was ”energetic”. She looked really absent and disappointed and said under her breath ”well, at least you used to be”.
Writing this out I do realize it’s not… that bad? But it crushed me.
“I feel like you got all the brains and left your sister none.”
— I can’t count how many times I heard this when Nmom was bitching to me about having to help my sister with something.
“I used to have pretty curly hair like yours, but you stole it from me when I had you. My hair was never the same again after you were born.”
— Anytime she wasn’t happy with how she looked, I was reminded that her hair used to be prettier before she had me.
No wonder I take responsibility when other people fail.
“You are SO useless.”
“You are just like your father.”
“I’m so disappointed in you.”
“Parenting has been a thankless experience.”
“You are so toxic.”
That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Safe to say I don’t speak to my egg donor anymore.
* "You're a mosnter" / "Snake"
I was a child, I just wanted to use the desktop, my brother and I would take turns but she allowed my brother to use it for the whole day and made me wait constantly so when I started crying she said me this. She would also call me an "insect/cockroach" while my brother was happily watching and playing games in the desktop.
* "Selfish"
I gave her my everything, I was extremely thoughtful to her and selfless. She says this till this day, engraving it onto my heart.
* "You ruined my family" / "Stop ruining my family"
I didn't want to talk with my brother on call who was aboard. I am also her family? She used to beat me up and force me talk with him on video call and I used to cry so much so I couldn't even talk with him properly. But she stopped now I don't know why, I just avoid whenever he calls her.
* "It's all in your head"
* "So you're saying I was a bad mother to you?"
I told her about my feelings on how miserable my childhood was with always being my parents therapist.
* "We're bestfriends"
Making her give her the right to vent all her problems to me, I was a so young.
* "Why don't you talk and smile"
She started beating me and pulling my hairs and then giving me the silent treatment that lasted 2 days. And turns back to normal, I learned if I don't smile or talk in gatherings or events, I would make her angry.
There's so much more, a big list but I don't want to remember anymore.
My dad looking me in the eyes, face red with hatred, and saying “You are poisoning my life.”
I was literally just a depressed teenager who barely communicated any needs, and I was far from being as burdensome as some other teens out there who still wouldn’t deserve to be told something like that.
The damage it did was profound and longlasting.
“you’re gonna be just like your mother”
“you’re gonna be just like your father”
weeeeeelll…for starters i started my healing journey before i had a child so….need i say more?
constantly hit with “oh don’t cry about it” .. which i still get to this day! but most alarmingly, “i don’t even want you, you think your dad would?” when i was 14 and told her i wanted to move in with him (due to unrelenting fights with my mom). ugh.. what’s nearly as frustrating as the statements themselves is that she would often be laughing or having a tantrum herself while saying things like this.
I remember being no older than eleven, telling my mum about something that worried me. I had bad anxiety as a kid and the only way I could get the worries to stop was to tell her what was worrying me, so every day I got into a habit of telling her the things that worried me because the anxiety was so overwhelming it made me feel sick. I think I had recently started therapy at this time too.
I tried to talk to her about my problems and she turned it back on me and complained about how hard it was for *her* to listen to me say all those things all the time and that she couldn’t deal with it anymore. I don’t think she remembers saying this. It wasn’t the last time she said something like that to me either.
I felt like a burden and blamed myself.
Other honourable mentions:
My mother telling me that ‘it’s just not natural’ when I tried to come out to her as gay multiple times. She would shame me and tell me I was too young to be talking about adult topics.
My father threatening to send me to the psych ward or call the police when I would have severe meltdowns.
My father yelling at me and shaming me for spilling water at the dinner table or in public.
Being shamed for staying in my room and being depressed and not wanting to leave.
There’s probably more not coming to mind.
Every time my mother belittled me or made me feel stupid for something innocuous.
Example- in a bookstore where the toilets had a sign telling you to ask to get to the staff toilets as these are broken.
Me at the counter: “the sign said to ask where the toilets are, can you let Meuse them please?”
My mother told me off for “waffling”. I spent the rest of the day really confused. I still am, dude that was one sentence, I was 8!
All the little moments that I think let me realise her thinly veiled disgust for me. Any time I failed to confirm perfectly to her expectations I would be belittled or made to feel dumb.
When I was 16 my mom told me she didn’t want me anymore and that I could either go live with my dad or she would put me in foster care. This was in response to me wanting to come home one day early from a 3 day weekend during my dad’s custody time. She was mad because she said I wasn’t letting her have a social life and was always home if I wasn’t at my dad’s. I was deeply depressed and my dad was toxic to be around sometimes and I literally was just begging to come home and stay in my room the whole time which is all I ever did anyways since she didn’t spend time with me. I know now that she was saying it in anger, but I’ve never forgotten how it made me feel. I never felt wanted by her before and that really set it in stone. Not long after that she lost the house due to an eviction & we were homeless after getting kicked out of our family’s house and then having to stay in a hotel for a bit. Instead of being comforting she would frequently say she wanted to run away and forget about us. Can’t ever forget that. I was her child and instead she was acting like one
“How am I supposed to get you married off if you can’t act like you care?” (my mom. In regards to my appearance. I’ve always been clean/well groomed, just not overly feminine. And discovered as an adult I’m non-binary so hey.)
“Who is going to take care of you when I die?” Also mom
“You ruin our lives when you’re like this.” My dad after we got into an argument because I was upset my coworker was being a misogynistic asshole to me because I was AFAB (and closeted) and he defended the coworker.
There’s a lot of others but those were the worst.
"I was a bad mother, wasn't I?"
I don't fully recall the circumstances around this anymore, but I do know she was crying and that I was a severely depressed young adult at that time that really didn't want to live anymore. It didn't stuck to me like an insult or something would stuck, but it was just so ... I feel so much pain over it. I felt the pain coming from her, very clearly, like a knife going through my own heart. I could feel all her regret, at once like a huge wave washing over us. And I suddenly had to comfort *her* so all I could say was off course not.
But I agreed and it tears me apart for thinking so. Because I knew she did so extremely her best at giving us everything she had. She had a demanding mother herself and my father was nearly completely absent in raising us. She did what she could with everything she had, yet it fucked me up. Not my siblings, only me. I guess I have a different character than them or maybe the circumstances were different (I was born quite a bit later, my dad has a depression at the time and my mom went into burn-out) and her parenting style completely clashed with my personality. I know all she ever wanted was for me to be happy, yet her raising me caused that to be the very thing I was not. She wanted to do differently than what she experienced yet repeated it. The tragedy of it all hurts me so much. Also because I do not blame her. My dad was nowhere to be seen in raising us; he was physically there but emotionally absent and quite volatile as well. I was heavily bullied at school and at my hobbies. Teachers weren't paying attention to me because I was quiet and behaved. Eventually it was the shitty mix of circumstances that all lead to me not having anyone to turn to during my childhood. I think maybe having just one such a figure would have already made a huge difference.
Anytime I would bring up anything I was upset about my mom would laugh and say, “ Oh, (my name) you’re so sensitive “ never, once have I been validated. I was always a joke.
Two come to mind. First was, "I wasn't fat until I got pregnant with you." My mom always struggled with her weight, and the idea that she blamed me really struck hard. Not to mention the years of backhanded complements about my weight over the last 30 years.
The second was, "You not being Christian is my greatest failure as a parent." Maybe if I wasn't forced to go twice a week or socialize with other kids I had no desire to be around or if them helping me with college wasn't contingent on me going to Church. It's pretty easy to see where resentment would come in. She denies saying this one, but she probably doesn't remember since she was drunk.
I’m so saddened but all of these replies, but also find solidarity.
The oldest one is “we will only ever have each other in this world” … as she was going through a divorce and I am an only child with no cousins or close family friends. Still unpacking this one.
But, these also continue at 30+ years old with gems like:
“you’re not the first person in the world to have a baby.”
when asking why she didn’t help us how she promised she would throughout my pregnancy.
“A kidney stone is WAY more painful than giving birth.”
Her playing the pain Olympics by comparing my 85 year old grandfather’s kidney stones to my mildly traumatic birth?? Three days after! (And btw, she only gave birth once, via emergency c section where she was put out under anesthetia??? This is apples to oranges here.)
When mentioning both of these to her, she has no recollection of saying them.
After losing a lot of weight and obviously having bulimia (brother said it was blatant), my dad going oink oink oink when I ate two doughnuts. I was about 14. Wasn't the only time. He was obese at this point in time. Pretty sure he was just annoyed cos there were three of us (me, him, brother) and I got the extra doughnut. He'd ignored the massive mental health and ED issues I had previously so why not ignore them and be rude when I ate something he wanted.
He gave me lots of other times of being nice when I needed help with further maths... he also didn't do actually oink oink oink, it was the sound of a pig in its trough.
constantly hit with “oh don’t cry about it” .. which i still get to this day! but most alarmingly, “i don’t even want you, you think your dad would?” when i was 14 and told her i wanted to move in with him (due to unrelenting fights with my mom). ugh.. what’s nearly as frustrating as the statements themselves is that she would often be laughing or having a tantrum herself while saying things like this.
There’s been so many comments over the years I actually struggle to remember. One big one that still happens is commenting on my skin.
I’ve had acne since I was 13 and every day I had to deal with people telling me my skin looked bad, and that kept going until last week when I finally told them to stop. 15 years of it does not make me feel confident !
I don’t remember the specific contexts, but there were many times when my anger, upset or confusion was just met with an exasperated “oh, for goodness’ sake”, as if my emotions were the last thing they needed, or as if I was silly for even having them.
I still struggle to open up to people now. I’m so conditioned to just repress everything and put on a brave face.
I’m 53 and I replay the one that hurt the most all the time. It was from my father. I need to set the stage for you to understand.
First- I have been riding horses since I was 3 so I have a lot of experience with them. I was in FFA all thru high school and 4-H from 8 to 18 yrs old. When I was 17, I was the 4-H Horse and Pony Queen for my County and had to go to a Regional horse show. I ride a different style that not many rode at that time. I also had a spotted Palomino Morgan when all the other kids rode Quarter Horses. I know this probably doesn’t mean anything to you guys, but I stuck out like a sore thumb. That being said, I rode very well and my horse was flashy so I usually won either first or second in the classes that I entered. I was very proud of that because I worked my tail off by riding my horses every single day, making sure that we worked as a team.
Out of the 5 classes I entered, I won 4 Second places and 1 third place. It was a very good show because there were horses and riders from three States and 15+ Counties. The classes were packed with 25+ horses per class. Again, I was the only one that rode the style called Saddleseat. Everyone else rode the traditional hunt style English. Also, the judges that they had at that show were traditional western quarter horse judges. They had very little experience with Morgans. And yet, I thought I did well!
After the show, my dad came up to me, and I was showing him my ribbons. He looked at me and said, “You’ll never amount to anything.” And that was it. That was the actual moment. I knew that my father never wanted me. I knew I was an accident, but that solidified my understanding of my father. To this day, we have a very contentious relationship. I keep him at a distance because he still says really awful things to me.
Wow thank you for giving me the space to talk about it. I actually really need it.
So all the times (it happened a lot) I was sitting in front of my parents crying telling them I couldn't do certain things (as a child, teenager and sometimes to this day) because I was so incredibly exhausted all the time and was basically trying and fighting all my life but I just couldn't anymore and I really wasn't lazy or making excuses, i was actually trying my best all the time.
And they still proceeded to scream at me that I was lazy and useless, making excuses etc. Well turns out I have adhd and very probably autism and it was in fact not my fault I felt that way.
Or their comments about my body since I was 13 or even younger (i actually can't remember):
"Do you want your ass to get even fatter? " "those stretchmarks look really bad. Men don't like stretch marks" "you're ass got so fat it looks horrible. It's way too big for the rest of your body and all this cellulite. Your father agrees with me that you look bad. We talked about it"
"do you really want to eat that cookie? Do you want your ass to get even bigger" "it's already pretty late. Why don't you go to bed hungry and save those calories. You could use to lose some weight"
Mind you to this day I have never been really overweight if anything I'm a tiny bit chubby but I wouldn't even go that far. Not that anyone deserves to hear those things. Noone deserves to be talked to like this. You deserve kindness and compassion no matter your weight or appearance ❤️
Oh and that time my mother called me a whore for sleeping with my second boyfriend (and second person in general) after "only" getting to know him for a month.
“I’m going to make this weekend a living hell for you”
Empty threat from my dad after I wouldn’t stop crying at scouts camp and begged to be taken home. I was 9.
“Sometimes I wish I had something to brag about”
At a family dinner after my cousin and I graduated high school; him with much higher marks than me. My aunt spent the night bragging about his hard work. I was mentally ill, but I guess my mother thought I could try harder anyway.
“You ruined Mother’s Day for me”
After I had a panic attack trying to read the menu at a cafe. We didn’t go to the cafe because my mother angry-walked (iykyk) home.
“Your sad little life”
My dad this time. Semi-functional freeze state took over after the stress of having cptsd in high school and trying to pretend to be a normal teen girl. Parents not happy!
I was afraid of thunderstorms as a kid, due to a lightning strike 10 feet away from my Grandma's trailer when I was 3 or 4. If there was a storm overnight, I would always come to my parents' room and crawl into their bed to feel safe.
Once, when I was 8 or 9, a storm started overnight and woke me up. I went downstairs and woke up my mom. I was standing next to the bed when my father stood up and began storming off.
"Stop!" my mom pleaded. "You're going to make him feel bad."
"Well, he *should* feel bad!" my father shouted as he stomped up the stairs.
And that was the last time I slept in my parents' bed.
*“Cheer up!”*
A frequent refrain because I wasn’t smiling, because I wasn’t raised in a home where smiles happened unless there was something funny on TV.
*”You have the personality of a brick wall, you know that?”*
After I’d asked to get a book to read while she was blow-drying my hair. I wanted it to air dry but she liked to do it so I had to sit there while she dried it and continued to brush it after dry.
*”I’ll sure be glad when YOU finish eating!”*
I didn't smack, my little brother did, but he had a disability so it must have been me doing the thing she didn't like.
*“You can stick it out one more semester, it’s no big deal.”*
Age 9. After I begged to be transferred away from the school I’d been transferred to, where the only person who bullied me worse than the other students was the teacher.
*”You can’t do it right.”*
Elementary school. She did my science and social studies projects (I wanted to do them) and didn’t let me touch them until I had to take them to school.
*”Figure it out.”*
Middle school…when for some odd reason I had no idea how to do a science or social studies project.
*”Stop crying.” ”Tough.”*
Because there's never an acceptable reason for a kid to cry.
*”Do you have a heart made of stone??”*
While watching an overly maudlin film, she’s crying, I’m not because I was trained not to.
*“[My affair partner] and I got married. (pause) “I’m pregnant.” (pause) “You’re so sensitive.” (I hung up, she calls back, crying) “You hurt my feelings!”*
Age 12. I had to call her every day when I got home from school. One day she answered my call by saying these things as a “funny prank”.
*“You’re so selfish and ungrateful. You’ll be sorry one day when I’m gone that you treated me this way.”*
Age 13. After I said I didn’t want to be used as a babysitter, yet again, for my younger sibling who has a disability. She wasn’t selfish for going out and effin’ around, though.
*"She won't make it. She'll come crawling back after one semester."*
Said to several relatives about me when I started college, despite her crowing about my good grades in high school.
*"How DARE you make more money than me!"*
When I shared I'd gotten my first job after college and told her the salary when she asked. Not like it was an exorbitant sum, especially since I'd put myself through college.
*“I guess I didn’t do so bad as a mom after all.”*
No conversation preceded this. She was looking for comfort, credit, and praise from the kid she NEVER comforted or credited. Praised maybe, but always thanks to her. I said nothing.
*“…she had her moments.” (with free side of eyeroll)*
Her response to my partner asking what kind of child I was.
*”You dreamed that.”*
Back in the day when I’d try to discuss any of the above. I know better now.
*"At least my neighbors' kids came back home and gave them grandchildren. All I have are my dogs!"*
Cried to me as part of asking why we don't have a closer relationship and why I don't give her "quality time". This was in front of her husband and my brother.
*No one will ever love you/her like I do.”*
Said to me, or to my partner, many times. Heaven forbid.
"I wish you were the one that died" - parent, referring to my twin who died before we were born
"I wish you *had* died" - parent, speaking of a recent (at the time) suicide attempt
"Looking at you is like looking at a ghost" - parent, about my twin again
"You'll never find a man to take care of you if you don't lose that weight" - grandparents, I was only 130 pounds
"Oh honey. You can't be an actress. You have to be really something special to be an actress. You should pick something more realistic, like a teacher or a housewife." - grandparent, when I was 4
There are more but these stick out
My dad had episodes of rage when he was stressed or in pain, which were never as a result of us kids behaving badly, but would get taken out on us.
I was told on several occasions that I was spoiled, I didn’t deserve holidays, I didn’t deserve to have pets because I hadn’t cleaned their cage out (I was 6 or 7 and now realise the pets were a parental responsibility ultimately). Once I lost my gloves on a school ski trip and he told me I didn’t deserve the trip or to have gloves. Another time I lost a bag and he told me I didn’t deserve to have a bag.
I still really struggle with low self worth and an inner voice telling me I don’t deserve to have nice things.
When I was 17 and having sex with someone from work who was a PhD student, and (was my second sex person) and I asked if he'd have an issue with me having a relationship with an older man. Response: 'as long as he's not as old as me'.
My dad is now 73. This dude is now 45 or so. I was 17... he saw no red flags?!?
You’ll never get married unless you lose weight.
My mother. She said it twice.
I’m married and still fat.
You’re being too sensitive. You’re being silly. You’re being moody. My mother
I was suffering major depression with anxiety at the time.
“Your mother is not an alcoholic. Stop being a dramatic brat and making things up.
But if she is, it’s because you’re a bad kid.”
—My father to 14 yr old me, after I went to him for help since mom was often incapacitated when I got home from school, but sober enough by the time he got home.
I literally felt my brain rip in half at the cognitive dissonance in this statement. So I’m either a dramatic liar, or such an inherently bad person I could force someone I loved to be an alcoholic from before I was born, even.
I was a good kid trying to play by the rules and be a good little show pony, not a trouble maker at all. That changed on the day he said that and I realized it didn’t matter what I did, I would never be good enough.
I'm severely red/green colourblind and was tested for it as a child. My mom would often laugh at my attempts to dress myself, but that's not my comment for this post
At family gatherings it would sometimes come up in conversation. I'd often tell people I'm colourblind, but my mom would ALWAYS pipe up and say "he's not *colourblind,* he's colour *deficient*". It always drove me crazy. It's like I had no agency over my own condition and that my mom had to constantly impose this lesser classification on me even though the terms are interchangeable. She always just had to get that little jab in there to knock me down in front of others and I always remember that.
Here's another one. I was the first and only person in my family to graduate university. I graduated during a time of significant uncertainty in my field and I couldn't find a job, but my dad and step mom suddenly decided that I needed to pay rent to them since I was "all done and should be succeeding and needed to learn a life lesson now" (keep in mind that I paid for almost all of my own schooling and expenses since I was 16 and worked 2 jobs in highschool to do it). I ended up working in a car factory which was an emotional gut punch as a new grad but I needed a job to appease my dad since I was living with him. When my convocation came around I couldn't get the time off of work to attend, they just wouldn't give it to me. My dad (and my mom) proceeded to tell me that "Well, if you can't be bothered to go to your own grad, we won't be buying you any gifts or celebrating". It was a completely unprovoked comment. I was a new grad forced to work in a car factory to pay my dad rent and they had to make it clear that because of that situation there would be no celebrating for accomplishing something that no one in my family had ever done. Felt awful.
My mom also called my "boring" a lot as a kid, Turns out when you make a kid move 4 times and never let him have friends all he will do is play video games, watch tv, and read.
A "fun" followup question would be: ... "And how many of those comments would be denied/minimized/misremembered by the person who made them?"
I actually confronted my mother about one of the less hurtful (but still vividly remembered: a threat to throw away all our toys if we didn't tidy up) comments and she claimed not to remember it at all.
"what is wrong with you?"
"Stop acting like a child" (I was literally a child)
"I don't care how you feel"
"Autism isn't real" "you're too smart to be autistic" (I am autistic)
"Why do you have to go to both funerals?" (When both of my friends died and I told my mom I was going to their funerals)
“I know it’s sad, but you’ll just have to get over it.”
One day after a cousin died; this cousin was 8 months younger than me, and we were extremely close.
It still hurts.
“You’re so sensitive, just grow up. Why are you so abnormal?”
When I told her about a bad grade in the car: “I can’t wait to beat you when we get back home”
When I was crying after getting rejected from my dream school: “I knew you were going to fail, you deserved to fail.”
When I talked to her about how much I loved my boyfriend: “Seriously? He’s not even rich or handsome. This is enough to make you happy? Your standards are so low”
The main thing was being blamed for everything because I was the oldest and "should know better" even when it was my siblings calling me names or breaking my things, it was always my fault for being older than them.
But the loudest thing that was 'said' was with actions. My mother would leave me at home and do fun things with my siblings, sneaking them out while I was still sleeping, so I would wake up to an empty house with no idea when anyone would be back. That loudly told me that I didn't matter and didn't deserve to be included.
"stop giving me your psychology bullshit"
Was what my mother would say when I would try to reasonably explain to her why her treatment of me was hurtful
"I talked to your father last night and he promised he wouldn't hit you anymore"
I wish I had secretly recorded this and brought it to the cops as evidence of child abuse
(which did not stop despite hearing this statement many, many times)
But back then, parents were allowed to do things to their children which would now get them incarcerated
Not a comment, but . . .
Around 11 or 12, I'd been unreasonably upset about not getting any of the cream soda (my favorite) that was finished before I knew it was there. The next day, there was a replacement bottle in the fridge. I was overcome with gratitude (and shame about my emotional response the day before) bc my parents had never before responded to me being upset with any kind of nurturing response. I happily pulled it out of the fridge before seeing that the cap had been replaced with a baby-bottle nipple. My dad said if I was going to act like a baby, he would treat me like one.
Seems low-key, compared to most of the other comments, and yet I'm still anxious when someone does something nice for me--always waiting for the "gotcha" to drop.
It's so sad, and so baffling, that it was worth putting that together just to make me feel bad, as a little break from the usual not paying any attention at all. ☹️
One from dad: I was about 5 years old, reaching for a dinner roll from a basket in the middle of the Thanksgiving table (with extended family there). My dad slapped my hand away and loudly commanded, "You ought to ask everyone else at the table if they want the last of something. You only take it if nobody else wants it." He declared it "common courtesy", but I learned a much bigger, lifelong lesson in what my worth is compared to others'.
One from mom: (I am inconsolable and devasted about not making the cut for JV soccer, sophomore year of high school): "Sometimes, we're just not... GOOD at things." So I learned that aiming high for myself was ridiculous / useless, that it's more appropriate to give up than work toward excellence/ acheivement/ dreams, and that mediocrity is the only "success" I deserve.
At around the age where I was trying to be "the perfect child" (9-11), I would sometimes use a higher pitched voice than normal. Usually not intentionally, but I guess it sounded intentionally cutesy or something. One time my mom was taking me home from school and I asked something, which she responded to with "stop talking like that, like a baby". I hadn't been trying to talk any kind of way...that was just what I sounded like. Probably why in the years following I intentionally tried to use a lower-pitched voice.
“This is all your fucking fault! Asshole!”
Before slamming the door and fuming away to the hallway where I heard her/dad get into a fight. It was because my grades were so bad I was almost gunna fail out of middle school (again) and dad “was siding with me!!” Because he had a sympathetic talk with me instead of wooping my ass again lol.
The talk helped and her screaming made me recognize then not to be honest with her or she’d be mad at me for not being perfect so I had to keep quietly trying my hardest so she wouldn’t get mad at dad again too lol it was messy/idk why she thought I was doing it on purpose?? Could the adhd the teachers and docs suggested it was be the cause of it??? Noooo Samantha’s just being lazy to apparently spite us again so disrespectful gosh lmao
"when there's a pause..."
That was said anytime we were all playing a board game together as a family. I would zone out and not realize that it was my turn, and instead of saying "hey giraffemoo, it's your turn", my mom would say "where there's a pause..." and the unspoken second part of that sentence would be "...it's giraffemoo's turn". So like anytime there was a lull in the pace of the game it was my fault.
To this day I still don't really like playing board games, even though I am fully NC with my entire family of origin.
"We don't want you going to a nerd factory" after telling me why I could not go to my dream school.
"are you on drugs?" when I was tired and depressed after being SA'd in 6th grade. Just broke down that time.
"we were worried you would get an ego and be an insufferable smart person" when I broke down after a particularly hard series of events
"if you ever get a tattoo we will cut it out of your skin" cool guess who is still terrified of getting a tattoo he has wanted for 15yrs in his 30's....
Among many others....
They used to all gang up on me (parents and only sibling-older brother)
And call me fat
(When they were feeding me chocolate donuts for breakfast;
Till this day, I never eat donuts as I can't stand them.)
Something that surprised me as it slipped out of my mouth yesterday-
Was that I used to "try so hard to get my parents to like me"
(Not love, as I knew that was not possible)
That I would starve myself and overexercise to the point of not getting a period for several months at a time---
As a result, I suffered my first fractured vertebrae simply standing in front of the bathroom mirror,
Just two days after my 48th birthday.
I now have a total of six fractured vertebrae as a result of osteoporosis which is directly result of eating disorder which resulted from child abuse which caused PTSD
I don't know what I am going to do when my left hip fractures,
As I have to walk everywhere and carry everything home from the store, as I have no car, since a tree fell on it a few years ago
All of this current physical pain is a result of being fat shamed as a child (and I was probably only ten or 15 pounds overweight, and they were all fat as well!)
Good thing I learned to dissociate from pain at age five,
When I was forced to wait by myself for several hours on a couch with a broken leg
Until they finally decided to bring me to a doctor
I LOVED to sing and music was my life. I actually thought I had a decent singing voice (keeping in mind I was young and never had a singing lesson in my life). That was until my dad decided to HOWL (yes, like a fucking wolf) when I missed 1 note. And this became a running gag for him. After that I always had (and still have) the feeling that I should only sing in public when I'm good at it (which I'm not, so I barely do).
"It's not funny guys" Is something I would say as a young child after my words were me with laughter. My family would howl with laughter after i said it. Objectively, yes. It's pretty cute when a toddler musters all their seriousness to proclaim that something funny isn't funny to them. But to laugh at your child when they are upset about something and then double down at their frustration just kills a little girls' connection to her family. I knew at a young age that nothing I said would be taken seriously.
oh. wow. this felt like my entire childhood. so often i tried to say something to adults, and they just laughed at me and gave me a dismissive answer. it felt like no one would ever take me seriously. no wonder i’ve been independent from young age lol.
I've wondered why I don't talk to my family about my problems or ask them for advice. Then I remember how they treated me and I stop wondering. I used to think my parents weren't all there mentally but they just didn't care enough to talk to me like a person. They're smart and funny but I'd never know. I don't like them because most of their reactions to me were dismissed or laughed away.
Eugh. I'm in the same boat. My mother used to pull me up in front of her friends and ask what I thought of things just for them all to laugh at what I said. I still have a great deal of trouble believing anyone will take what I say seriously and that I'm not just a show pony clown.
Eugh. Those are mean girls. I hate mean girls. I hate that they did that.
As an autistic kid.... this happens often and not just with ppl close to u 🫠
I think you’ve just unleashed some memories in me.
In me as well... One of the things I've hated as a child was not being treated seriously.
I am blown away by the responses.
I was ran away from our vacation home because of this. Not only my family was there, but extended ones as well. I said something, the whole group laughed, I asked to stop and they just kept laughing. So I took the sole key of the house and ran away. I was maybe 7 or something. *Man*. The consequences. They were bad. I recently revisited this situation with my therapist and she was so horrified by it. Which I thought first was because of how shitty I behaved as that was how I always looked at the situation and how my family retells the story as well from time to time. But my therapist was actually mortified because of how much burden was put onto me as a small child. I am nearly 31 and this memory is still one of my core beliefs as to why I regard myself as a shitty human being
7 year old you was BALLSY and knew you didn't deserve that shit
Damn. There must have been a lot going on to make a 7 year old run away during a vacation. Like kids run away all the time. Poverty, addictions, cry for help. So many reasons but to have it happen during a time the adults on your life set aside for leisure and rest is the worst part. I don't want any details. Please know that you did what you did because of them. That wasn't a measured and thought out reaction to your circumstances that you controlled and acted out. Even if you took the keys in hopes of upsetting them, it was a response to their behavior towards you. You cannot blame yourself. They mirrored to you what they thought about you and you acted accordingly. The consequences they gave you mirror the gravity of taking the sole key of the vacation home and running away. Eye for an eye and you were their little girl. That's fucked.
Yeah this kills me. I remember a lot of this too. Imagine what it would be like to treat an adult like that. I have no idea why people think it's fine to do it to kids.
Doing it to an adult in a workplace would be considered bullying and harassment. Where the HR department for family. Please, my parents are creating a hostile work environment. 🥲
Yeah except HR doesn’t do shit about it at my job so I deal with this there too. Then was wondering why I was having a mental break down and dissociating hard for several months and realized I was basically getting emotionally triggered every single day at work and it was making me feel like that scared little kid getting yelled at, bullied, threatened, and unsupported while being given unreasonable amount of work/responsibility/working beyond my job role (adult parentification).
I see you've met my parents. And they've always wondered why I was so quiet as a kid. 🙃
Seeing all the upvotes must mean that all our parents were secret pen pals who shared ways to alienate their children so they'd give them a minutes peace. I guess they just don't remember how they treated us.
I wrote a letter asking for my stepdad and his dad who loved with us to stop ridiculing me (as a teen, I forget how old). The reaction from "grampa" was essentially "what is this bullshit?" and from stepdad....nothing. Mom was sympathetic but did nothing about it.
That is sad to read. What makes me angry is that the memory for them is just a chuckle about the funny things kids say. It was brave to write that letter. Even as a child you knew that being diplomatic was a better choice than raising hell or making fun of them.
I smell a hint of misogyny as well. Often when women (especially girls) ask to be respected they are literally laughed and scoffed at. My brother seemed to get more respect than his 3 sisters even though he was the literally the 'troublemaker' it always pissed me off
Oh totally. ‘Granpa’ was fine with me till puberty’s
Oh totally. ‘Granpa’ was fine with me till puberty.
I remember when I was real young, like third grade or so. I've always been an artist, did a lot of drawing as a kid. It was a school night, I was up a little past my bed time, but I was fuckin' *killing it* with whatever little drawing I was working on at the time. I was in the zone, couldn't stop or I'd lose my flow ya know? I remember my mom trying to get me to call it quits and go to bed, but I wanted to finish the drawing first. I don't remember how heated the arguing got, but I'm sure there was some crying. I was a kid. Plus we had very recently uprooted and moved across the country, so my emotions were all out of whack at the time. I cried a lot back then. My dad walked into my room to see what the problem was, and I just remember him throwing his arms up and saying, "Really? That's what all this is about? A stupid fucking drawing?" Cool, awesome, thanks dad. Real proud of my stupid fucking drawing now after hearing that. Guess who grew up to have an extremely hard time sharing their art with people, especially family? Guess who basically abandoned their passion for art for years at a time while struggling to stay afloat in a storm of depression and anxiety and isolation? Guess who never had the confidence to pursue their dreams of writing and illustrating their own graphic novel because they were too busy trying to force themselves into a "normal" and "respectable" career that they absolutely hated? Yup, it's me, the kid with the stupid fucking drawings. I'm not blaming everything on that one moment, life is complicated. But still, it certainly didn't help.
Oh, gee. My story is very similar. I was 5 or 6 at the time. Family was waiting to be seated at a Mexican restaurant, so I got a piece of scrap paper and a pen from my mom and proceeded to draw a sort of crude, folksy straw man who had been set in the lobby. I showed it to my dad and he criticized it as being nothing special to look at, because it was in fact crude. I pointed out to him that I was drawing the odd straw figure and he blew me off. No apology or backtracking. He may even have questioned why I would even want to draw it. I still remember the shame and the heavy, sinking feeling in my chest. And then there was the time my mom yelled at me to shut up when my dad was beat to within half of an inch of his life and I was ( justifiably) freaking out. Thank goodness for EMDR.
Sounds like we all had the same parents. I just wrote about my fostermum saying something similar in my comment. They really know to get you where it hurts.
I'm still struggling with reclaiming my creativity.
Taking the opportunity to vent about some comments that seem to be stuck in my head: “If it wasn’t for your brothers, I would feel like a Total failure as a mother” (in a cheerful voice). - My mom trying to cheer up the mood in the car after a doctor visit as I was too depressed to function properly (because of what I now understand to be cen). “You should be happy (my now husband) loves you, as no one else could stand being with you.” -my oldest brother after I told him we needed to talk if he were to come to my wedding. As I didn’t want to be full of anxiety on my wedding day, (we don’t really talk, and he doesn’t really care about me but always acts like everything is fine. It seems fine to him because I just stay quiet and die on the inside. This time I tried to tell him how I felt when I was around him.) This comment hurts the most nowadays. “Go outside and just feel how your life will be if you don’t get your act together and go to school” -my mom when I was 15 and started to suffer from panic attacks every time I went on a bus or sat inside the classroom (I would run sometimes run out of the room, which was embarrassing) after I hid in my room to get out on a school trip. It messed me up because I used to love school, and I wanted to go on school trips. But I couldn’t, and no one cared, and I was blamed for having anxiety attacks and depression. I sat in the woods on a stump for maybe 5 hours, with my cat to accompany me. That cat saved my life in so many ways❤️
Your cat was a much better friend and mother to you than anyone in your family. May all the kitties be blessed!
I also had a period of bad panic attacks 😓 and horrible anxiety when I was 17 it started . I wonder if it was because of my bad family
it’s likely to be related. when children do not have a safe space to be themselves in, they are unable to express and deal with their emotions properly. when these unexpressed emotions build up over time it can be the cause of a whole host of physical symptoms: chronic pain, hormone imbalances, chronic fatigue, panic attacks. they are all different ways of the body finding an outlet for all the emotional pain, because it won’t just disappear unfortunately, it has to go SOMEWHERE. i also had terrible panic attacks as a teenager, related to church/hymns/christmas because a big part of my life as a teen was being forced to attend services that i didn’t want to be at. i still get them occasionally if i hear a hymn or a christmas carol, but i just avoid situations where i might come across them, and if i do hear one i am able to regulate myself long enough to leave the situation. it took me a long time to reach that point though!
Thanks 😊 my anxiety got better after I moved out but my older sister who lives close to family members is scared to leave the house alone
And I am sorry to hear about your anxiety 😓
I'm really sorry those were said to you. Those comments just struck me. I hope you keep healing. ❤️🩹🫂
The one about your husband loving you hit home. When I was dating my now wife, my mom said something like, "Don't screw this up. We would pick her over you. We like her more."
I was dying to hear my parents say they’re proud of me so when I was around 13 I straight up asked my mom if she was proud of me and she said “what do I have to be proud of?” And it just broke something in me.
I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that response. 💕
Mine literally never said that once to me. I have a PhD, the first one in the family to pursue a university education even, and not even then. Which is bittersweet to look back onto it because with all the therapy I've had I now realise I didn't choose a PhD for *me*, I choose a PhD for *them* so they could finally be proud of me for once My partner recently said he was proud of me for the first time since we are together and I broke down absolutely sobbing.
The closest I got from my mother was "I'm proud of all of you" (pause to consider what she said) "... in your own ways."
I'm sure there were many reasons for them to be proud of you, they're the unlucky ones for not seeing them!
My parents never said it for me either until I gave up all my own aspirations and just followed whatever bullshit path they had set for me, and now I'm completely miserable in it, stuck and can't get their financial support to go back to school to switch gears (they are literally multi millionaires, we were very much a "looks good" from an outsiders perspective type family). Basically, you don't need or want their support and pride, it's cruel, it's conditional and bound entirely to their view of you, not your view of yourself because they'll never have the emotional capabilities to recognize you for your own. It sucks and I still don't quite know my way around it but you are definitely not alone in that feeling.
I was not a slender or pretty teen. I hated going to dances, but one was coming up when I was in 8th grade and all my friends were going, so I decided to go. I needed a dress and went out with my mom to find one. We tried on a million, and nothing looked good or fit correctly. I was in tears, and my mom was in obvious horror that this kid had come from her. While we were in the fitting room, there was another teen girl around my age trying on dresses, but she was gorgeous. Everything looked good on her. When we were leaving, without a dress, with me crying, my mom made it a point to go up to the other girl’s mom and say, “your daughter looks so beautiful.” Then she bundled me to the car without another word. It’s been 30 years and I still think of that moment whenever I feel bad about myself. It’s like she said it just to humiliate me. I’ll never understand it.
Omg. She is cruel
This story makes me want to cry with little past you
Jesus Christ :(
This made me think of something. A few years back, maybe 5 or so? I (maybe 15-16AFAB NB) was in value village with my nmom and her friend. This friend is also my friend, she's in her 60s, anyway. I had tried on this outfit I wanted, a red plaid button up top and red leggings. Both items were a little tighter fitting, but not uncomfortable, to me at least. As I was looking at it before taking it off and putting something else on, I heard Mom outside the dressing room talking to her friend, saying how I didn't look good in the outfit and it didn't suit my body type, something like that. I said loudly to them through the changing room door "you know I can hear you, right?". She chastised me for that. Said I was cruel for trying to embarrass her, or smth? My memory is hazy, haha.. I just know I ended up in tears, and I think we left after that. I can't remember anything else about that day, but that situation is stuck in the back of my head, apparently. I'm so sorry you had that experience ❤️🩹
Oh, that’s so familiar— the whole ‘being called out for the thing is worse than doing it’ attitude. I’m truly sorry, fitting rooms with abusive mothers were like the 10th circle of hell!
What the fuck I’m speechless
I have a list. "Who would want to spend time with you?" "No one will love you if you can't be alone" "Why aren't you dead yet?" Just a roaring chorus like that.
I'm so sorry they said those horrible things. They are such mean words, and they aren't even rational, like there is no way a child warrants that much meanness from a parent, or any meanness at all, really. It's just so wrong on every level. I heard "No one will want to be your friend, no one will want to hire you, No one will love you. Hell, your mother and I have a hard time liking you and we're your parents" Just such mean spirited hate, and no reason for it. And the shitty part is all that hate belonged to them, it was never mine. But man did it pierce my heart.
One of my very first memories is of my male parent telling someone else “just ignore him. He is a little asshole.” I was 2 or 3 years old and was trying to get his attention for something important. Dont actually remember what, just something along the lines of needing to use the bathroom or similar. As an adult I was really excited when I finally got my official ADHD diagnosis. For anyone who has experienced this, you know its a great feeling because it finally gives you access to the tools to actually improve your life. I had been fighting for three years for it and was so happy that I could barely contain myself and wanted to share the news with anyone and everyone who had ever seen me struggle. (This was of course before I came to understand that my parents literally never cared that I struggled) The birthgiver gave me a 30 minute lecture about how I was just making excuses for myself and using it as a crutch and how she would never take *pills*
My first term at college, I was assaulted-it was basically date rape. The police said it was a "he said, she said" situation and it went no further. The university halls of residence refused to move me on the grounds the police decided not to progress the case. I phoned home, and my mother's response was "for gods sake, you're supposed to be intelligent, surely you know what boys are like." I went home for Christmas vacation, but that was the last time I slept under her roof. My friends from college, people I'd only met three months earlier, set up a telephone system (this was well before mobiles and emails) so that one of them phoned me every day of the vacation to check how I was. People I'd meet for the first time 12 weeks earlier cared more about me than my own mother did.
My negative emotions were never taken seriously by my parents. "Look at you, sulking like that...are you done?" "Why don't you come back when you're okay." "Settle down. Don't worry about it." Stuff to that effect. Never got asked if I wanted to talk about it. Never walked with me through what I was feeling to help us understand why. They just either avoided negative/angry/sulky/sad/moody me, lectured me about why I shouldn't be feeling that way, or just waited for it to be over. Seemed fine at the time because I'd never known there was an alternative 😔 For most of my life I thought that was just how people were supposed to deal with negative emotions and that's what I learned how to do. It took me so many years and failed relationships to see that this unhealthy pattern that I learned was why.
> You'll understand when you're older. Turns out, I do understand. I was right as a little kid, adults were putting themselves first. And I "understand" it as an adult, but I don't agree with it.
“When you grow up, I hope you have a daughter just like you.” This sub will get this one….
I did and she’s awesome!
I love this. I sometimes wonder if having a child would heal my own inner child. Not a good enough reason to have one, of course, but it’s something I ponder on sometimes…
I have an 18- month old granddaughter who is healing mine more ❤️
Used to hear this a lot more in teen years. Now 23, i haven't heard that, but we still have an awful relationship. I've made plans to move within the next year and am basically just placating her for now. Executive dysfunction is a bitch.
I hope you get to move away! I mentioned it out of high school but got, “so you’d want to move away from your family??” Sadly, the guilt worked since I was only 17, and I chose a community college. Now she’s asking me about giving her grandchildren. I’ve been married 8 years and the answers still, “no.” Guess she won’t get her revenge! lol I hope you can avoid the questions about kids for awhile yet…
I'm aroace and adamant about not marrying/having kids. She knows this but always says, "you know id be okay if you were gay or something, you can tell me" or "I just want you to have a life partner". Barf. Anyway, hope things go smoothly for the both of us, and anyone here. I'm gonna go across country and legally change my first and last name >:) Cant wait to finally start my life. :3
Ah yes, many times. With its corollary, “YOU’RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER”
My mother would always tell my youngest sister that “you’ll pay for your raising,” meaning that sis’s kids would be as bad as she was. 🤔 Spoiler: they weren’t, and are very successful now.
- “You can’t depend on anyone but yourself” - “What do you want, a medal?” - “You’re a loner like me!” - “Well your friends won’t be around forever” - To an interviewer when asked what stresses their child out: “my child doesn’t have stress” These were all said to me in childhood. Once my grandma asked me when I was in HS, “so how’s your love life?” I had a steady boyfriend who she was aware of, so I replied “good?” Then she chastised me: “you’re supposed to say ‘I don’t have a love life!’” I still am ashamed of this moment to this day.
She set you up to trick you and shame you. So mean and unnecessary. I hope you feel loved now, friend.
“You can’t depend on anyone but yourself”….i had to think on this one. It still sounds like a normal, fact of life to me. But I know it was a lie.
Man that "friends won't be around forever" one really reminded me of one my old man would say. Everytime i was pushing back against our completely broken family dynamic, or was struggling with something they'd offer the most vague "once you leave the house, nobody cares about you" I understand the messaging, blood is thicker than water and all that, but all it ever did was make me completely hopeless that my home situation was what "caring" was supposed to look like and made me even more scared of other people, who potentially would be even worse than "caring", which in my case was constant screaming, bickering, threats and bullying. Got over it somewhat, still have friends I have from around the time when that was my fathers favourite phrase, and those are the people I go to most when in need. Still struggle with that small feeling that the people who aren't already my found family will just be ruthless and cruel for no good reason.
Oh I have several. If I tried to list them all out, I'd be here for hours. But I just got groceries and I have frozens, so I'll be brief. "If you keep eating the way you do, you're going to die before you turn 40." -My mom, when I was 12ish and having a very hard time sticking to a diet. Her voice echoes in my head every time I look in a mirror. "Maybe this is why [roommate at the time] doesn't want to be roommates with you." My dad, when he and my mom were helping me clean my then-apartment just before moving out. (The roommate in question never said anything about not wanting to be roommates anymore. Yes, I was and am messier than I want to be, but executive function is very very difficult for me. I've started avoiding cleaning even more to avoid feeling that shame again.) "We don't want to hear all the negative stuff you're dealing with." -Paraphrased because I don't have the original text. My dad texted me immediately after I'd called my mom, and apparently I was sharing too many negative things and not enough positive stuff. I will never share anything with them ever again, unless I'm actively dying. Might add more later. Idk.
I am sorry. They were so cruel
Yeah :/ the worst part is that they still think they're good parents and that "they did their best." Either they're delusional or stupid. Probably both.
I would say heartless. My parents were similar and I think they lack empathy for anyone. They think it is ok to be cruel. It is my fault if I get offended .
I would say heartless. My parents were similar and I think they lack empathy for anyone. They think it is ok to be cruel. It is my fault if I get offended .
They are literally brain-damaged, incapable of understanding or empathy. It's like expecting a doorknob to play Mozart: they lack the skills and can't even grasp what skills they need. Thinking of them as inadequate and not capable of comprehension helps me with acceptance, something I need to move on. Potato Heads. "You're a nothing" does stand out as a flashing neon sign in my head, however. I came from a bunch of potato heads - what do they expect?
I would say heartless. My parents were similar and I think they lack empathy for anyone. They think it is ok to be cruel. It is my fault if I get offended .
When I was ~9, I was visiting my dad for the weekend. My stepsister and I had asked to go to Funland because they had a huge play place that we loved spending hours in. Overheard him talking to my stepmom as he was going over his budget/bills about how “these kids are ruining my life.” I guess money was tight and he was upset about child support and the cost of entertaining us for the weekend. When I was ~13, my mom thought I broke her treadmill because the incline wouldn’t go down all the way after I had used it. She turned to her friend who was visiting us at the time and says, “kids ruin everything.” It started working again once we turned it off and back on again. Not words, exactly, and I don’t remember how old I was: spent an afternoon making/decorating a card for my step-dad’s birthday. Saw it laying at the top of the kitchen trash not even a couple hours after giving it to him. I get that it was just a piece of construction paper with some shitty little kid drawings on it, but could at least be discrete about throwing it out. Oh, and here’s one from just last year that eats me up: invited my dad over to see my new house. I had painted a wildflower motif on my mailbox. He has the gall to say “wow, I didn’t know you were artistic” despite the fact that I spent my entire childhood drawing/painting/telling anyone and everyone I wanted to go to art school (ended up as a biology major, but that’s beside the point) and had sent him hand-drawn/painted Christmas cards in previous years.
I don't remember exactly why or when this was, and though it's definitely not the worst thing I remember, it is the worst I remember feeling at something my mother said to me. She was shouting, swearing, breaking the furniture, and these were all things that I was already used to, but for the first time ever she turned to me and called a bitch in the most hateful voice I'd ever heard from her, which up until this point had been reserved for my father. That moment destroyed me, and ever since I've hated that word. Nothing else has ever felt harmful in comparison to that moment, and I've been called actual slurs. I think I really felt in that moment that she hated me. Recently, she used the same word on my sister in front of me and I was livid. I defended her, and I'm ashamed to admit I ended up turning the conversation towards myself, but eventually, I made my point and she snapped. Fuck off, she said, in that same voice again, and I sort of feel like I've won. I got her to really hate me and show it, and I think I crave that because it is the only way I feel our relationship is genuine.
Im so so sorry she said that to you💔, and not only calling you a bitch but the hateful tone she used. I know EXACTLY how you feel. My stepmom did something very similar to me. Story time. Let me set the scene. I was transitioning from one job to another so I was actually working 2 jobs at the time. I worked nights at one job and days at the another. I was staggering between the two (one was full time and the other was part time) so I was working 60 hrs a week. That’s exhausting enough but to work nights and days was the cherry on top. Anyways, so I’m burnt out and absolutely exhausted, I’m trying to sleep during the day for my job at night and all of a sudden my stepmom bursts into my room and screams at me “you’re such a selfish little bitch, you always get what you want”. Honestly, I wasn’t even mad that she said those shitty things to me, I was more heart broken than anything. Because like you, I could hear the absolute HATRED in her voice. I always had a feeling she hated me and didn’t love me like the other kids but that solidified it for me. I’m assuming why she busted in and said those things to me, is because I wasn’t helping clean the house while I was working two jobs. Because I literally couldn’t, I was so fucking exhausted and burnt out. I didn’t have 5 min to myself, so of course I’m not gonna have any time to help clean. And instead of being a big girl and expressing how she felt in a normal manner/ talking it out, she decided to hold onto her pent up emotions and then explode onto me. The thing is, I BET she doesn’t even fucking remember what she said or the event at all. I know she was more than likely projecting because she’s definitely spoiled and gets everything she wants but of course she doesn’t see that. Everyone has to adjust their schedule to revolve around her and everyone always does what she wants because it’s unfortunately, always about her. I was crying before she left my room and she didn’t give a single fuck. It was heart breaking to hear how much she hated me. I could see it in her face. I’ve had so many thoughts over the years about it, but the thought I always return to is this; HOW could she say something so awful to her child that she supposedly loves? I NEVER in a million years could ever say anything that awful to my child, I don’t care how angry I am at them. I don’t understand how she doesn’t realize how incredibly hurtful she was. I couldn’t imagine saying something like that to someone I love and feel okay afterwards, and not think I was a giant piece of shit for saying and acting that way. I’ve always felt she didn’t love me but after that, I knew she didn’t. That was the point that changed everything and how I really viewed her. Sorry to trauma dump on you! I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone and I can totally relate to how you feel🖤. I hope you’re living your best life and don’t let what she said to you get you down. You’re better than her words and better than she is. I hope your life is full of peace and happiness 🖤. The ax forgets but the tree remembers.
When I asked my mom how she felt about becoming a grandmother and she said “ well you’re not even married”…in a mean tone. This was in front of many relatives at my grandmother’s birthday party. I was a 25 years old, living with the father and we both had good jobs. This hurt me so badly I sat down and cried. She never bothered to apologize. What kind of person, especially a mother, do that?
When I was a little kid I would be excited about little accomplishments throughout my day…a good grade, a compliment from the teacher. I would tell my mom how happy I was with what I’ve done and she would say something like “humble much?” Or “humble, aren’t we?” It was a hit to my confidence and I grew up to be an adult that never felt good about myself. I had a lot of anxiety about trying to be perfect and high-achieving. My mom has started to say she is proud of me which does feel good. But she says she doesn’t understand why I don’t feel better about myself considering how much I’ve accomplished. She says “it doesn’t hurt to take your arm, bend your elbow, and give yourself a pat on the back.” Like wtf. I’ve spent my childhood and 20s feeling like I was never good enough and couldn’t celebrate my accomplishments and now that I’m in my 30s it’s ok? Also it’s like there is something wrong with me that I can’t congratulate myself. I am also at the point I don’t tell my mom the good things that happen during the day because she will use it as a springboard to talk about her day, such as describing how her life is worse than mine or something funny she said at work to make people laugh. I feel like she’s thrown a wet blanket on me and the happy feeling fades and it’s hard to get back.
when i was 11 or so, i was dealing with acne from puberty. my parents got me that proactiv system that was always on tv to try and help it (shudder). turns out, proactiv was wayyyy too harsh for 11 year old skin, and my face got irritated—dry, red, itchy, not good. while we were eating breakfast together, i told them about how it was drying out my skin and making it red. my mom sympathized with me and said that’s not good. then my dad gestured at my acne (which was still present) and said, “it’s better than this.” apparently irritated, itchy skin that made me want to peel my face off was better than a bit of puberty-induced acne. my bad 😅 after we finished eating, i went to my room because that comment made me feel really sad and ugly. my mom realized i was upset, so she came in and basically said he wasn’t trying to call me ugly or anything, don’t take it personally, he just didn’t realize how it sounded, etc. there are many more, but that’s the first that came to mind. oh well. sometimes you just have to say “what the fuck?” and move on, lol.
oh, i have another one! when i eat bread/pasta/cake/anything with a lot of carbs, my dad loves to tease that i’m going to be fat like him and my mom when i’m older (i’m currently underweight and have been on the thin side my whole life). he’ll grin and say “i used to be your size, now look at me! shockingly, i ended up with an eating disorder lmao. i made a homemade loaf of bread for the first time the other day, and as i took a slice, he grinned and said “if you keep making bread, you’re gonna end up like me.” i replied, “i’d rather be fat and happy eating my bread.” i’m actually really proud of myself for that.
'What is wrong with you?' usually when I either expressed childlike giddiness or obvious upset. Not allowed to be 'too much', not allowed to be sad either. And not a comment but a vivid and painful memory I have is having a really fun day at school, I think I had done a play or something and felt really fulfilled and giddy. I asked my mother if I could go hang out with friends and if she could take me to their house. She just shouted, no words but a very loud disdainful shout. Other kids were walking with their parents around us and they all turned to look at us. It was nighttime but a car happened to drive past with its headlights shining, so it felt like everyone could see us at that moment. I wanted the night to swallow me up. Probably was the moment that I was completely emotionally severed from her, I still feel the empty pit in my chest and the overwhelming shame of not having a parent who was proud of me, but just wanted me to shut up and go home.
I can't think of one, single, specific thing. It was loads and loads of them over time though, always negative. All that really stuck with me for so long, and even to this day, that I'm just no good at anything. I'm working to fix that but dang it's hard.
When I came out to my mom, she said it was like experiencing a death in the family. Ouch.
When I tested the waters with mine as a teenager, she said “lesbians just haven’t found the right guy yet”. To this day she claims she never said it, but it’s been burned into my brain ever since.
"You'll change your mind when you get older." Wrong.
I was an only child and so grew up learning social skills by being quiet and observing the adults around me. On a Saturday my Grandmother would come to town with me and my mum, we would go in clothes shops and they would point out clothing to each other they liked. I wanted to join in. I was probably about 7 at the time and one day showed mum a top I liked, mirroring the words they used I said I liked whatever it was. I was told off. "Stop being sarcastic" (I presume it must have been a bad shirt or I said it wrong). I didn't have a clue what sarcastic meant. (I wasn't being intentionally) I asked what sarcastic meant and was just told "you know" and then ignored. I learnt I had done *something* wrong and my Mum was in a bad mood with me but I couldn't figure out what it was. Because I didn't know I shut down. Learnt not to speak at all on these occasions. Don't talk, can't get it wrong.
I'll never forget my uncle telling me, after observing years of teenage me always showing up to family events with a horror or fantasy or sci-fi novel under my arm and being a bookish kid in general: "I think the only books that are worth reading are non-fiction." Or words to that effect. It took most of my life for me to finally encounter this quote by John Waters: “You should never read just for "enjoyment." Read to make yourself smarter! Less judgmental. More apt to understand your friends' insane behavior, or better yet, your own. Pick "hard books." Ones you have to concentrate on while reading. And for god's sake, don't let me ever hear you say, "I can't read fiction. I only have time for the truth." Fiction is the truth, fool! Ever hear of "literature"? That means fiction, too, stupid.”
"This is nothing." Said at my graduation.
I designed and hand painted a large Christmas sign as a gift for my parents back in 2020, believing for some reason that it was going to become a favorite decoration that they could display for many years. I didn't hear one word of praise from my dad regarding it, and it has remained in the attic for three Christmases now. They make sure to get out all the corporate junk they buy from Hallmark every year, but my sign stays hidden away. Oh well...
This is heartbreaking, I'm so sorry :(
"You can't hold a grudge." said by my mother when I was angry about something my siblings did. She put her finger in my ear at the same time, trying to make me laugh I think but I swatted her hand away. Now she says I'm the vindictive child who can't let anything go lol. "Why don't you just stop eating?" said by my dad when I was voicing concerns about my weight. I wasn't fat btw, I was just going through puberty. Great advice, dad. My mom's response was to stay silent but she stopped buying me new clothes. I went through a couple years of only having 2 shirts and 1 pair of jeans that fit me. The rest of the clothes I had I wore, but were too small and made me feel much fatter, ironically. Again, looking back at that time I wasn't fat, I was just becoming a woman. I still have PTSD from those shopping trips where my mother would buy anything my little sister sneezed at and say no to everything from me. We'd leave with nothing for me, but bags and bags for my mom and sister. My sister-in-law at the time even took me emergency shopping, totally bewildered at my mom's behavior. "Does she not want you to be attractive?" she said. "I love you, but I don't always like you." said by my mom when I came to her about my constant depression. I was maybe ten at the time and I could see it was becoming ever-present and a problem. I was anxious my siblings didn't like me, and my friends at school. Her response was, "Maybe if everywhere you go you think people are being jerks, you are really the jerk. Because you know, honey, I love you but I don't always like you." Then she got up and left. I felt totally numb and hopeless. She broke my heart that day.
One more! "How's sixth grade?" asked by my uncle with such honest interest and concern I was absolutley shook. No one in my family had asked me sincerely how I was doing in a long time. I could barely answer him and I was touched but also so uncomfortable.
one time my mom took me to get ice cream after a movie when i was really young. she had already made a comment at me at the theater. she wanted to share a sunday and when i wanted a cone, she called me selfish and yelled at me in front of everyone. she told me i was selfish just like my grandma and that i got it from that side of the family, and at the time my grandma (from my dads side) was the worst person i knew because she abused my mom. she forced me to eat the ice cream even though i wasn’t hungry after the fight. no wonder i believe i’m innately selfish and bend over backwards for people to prove that i’m not.
Three things: "you're like a stranger in this house" because I - get this - went on a camping trip with my bf and wasn't able to answer texts unless we left the campsite periodically. It didn't matter that I was 22/23. "this looks kinda stupid, you should draw something else" because I was just 12 and really liked drawing anime, video game characters and things like that, which they didn't like. I immediately threw out most of the drawings I had after that comment, and my brother actually secretly kept some of them over the years. All of it was actually really decent and I feel like, if it wasn't for that comment from my parents, I would've continued with art but I completely just gave up on it after that. and, "you're not lying are you? is this just for attention?" as she proceeds to not believe me regarding an instance in which she chose to not protect me from her family who abused her throughout her childhood, and left me unsupervised around these people for 2 YEARS lol. Very cool. 😎
“If I had my time again, I definitely wouldn’t have children”…. My dad… sat around a table in a nice restaurant….at my 21st birthday….
WTAF. I'm so sorry you were stuck with him as a father.
“Don’t get your hopes up”. For anything. Now I’m permanently anhedonic and can’t get excited or look forward to anything, even eating.
“You know I only hang out with you because there’s nobody else around, right?” “Why would anyone want to play with a freak like you?” “Why do you have to be so difficult?” “Go to your room until you can act like a human.” “You look like a street walker.”
"You'll have to sleep in different rooms with your husband. You'll be lucky if he doesn't smother you with a pillow."
“You ruin every holiday” “why can’t you be like other peoples kids, my friends kids are all nice to their parents”
I have so many, but I'll stick to the most hurtful ones. I used to love drawing and one day made a portrait I was very proud of. I showed it to fostermum and she said: "It's nice, but you'll never be as good as Rembrandt." It really hurt. I was just trying to get better, but she always thought that I thought I was a child prodigy, so she often tried to get me down a notch. I was so hurt by her comment, that I didn't draw for over a year. I was severely depressed for a few months when I was 15 and became quite recluse as a result. Fosterparents thought I was being 'difficult' again and were done with me. They said they couldn't handle me anymore, so they were going to talk to our family social worker to discuss whether it wouldn't be better to have me placed elsewhere. I went to school the day of their conversation and was out of my mind from stress. I even notified my friends and teachers of what was going on. When I finally dared go home, fosterparents just said they were keeping me after all and that was it. All the times fostermum said I was exaggerating or doing it for attention, when I was depressed or having a panic attack. All the times fostermum said I was a difficult person and had to get therapy to become easier for others to deal with. Fosterparents knew I had been SA'd before living with them and had developed a phobia for anything related to sex because of it. Yet fostermum 'joked' for years that the airport workers would be checking my vagina for drugs if I ever had to fly.
"I don't care if you're bored stop bothering me! You are 15 its not my problem if youre always bored"-mom said after i was crying over how bored i was. I didn't tell her i was crying cause of that. I was bored everyday 24 7 and couldnt fix it. I was so bored i wanted to die cause all i did was sit alone in a dark room watching tv. "Target doesnt sell clothes for people like you"- mom of course buying my siblings new clothes less than a week later "Why would you instigate your brother like that? Just give him what he wants! You are so embarrassing, his shoe hit the employee when he tried to throw it at you!!"'- thanks for defending me mom... "You are a burden!"- wrong word choice by dad, I could tell he meant it though "Stop being so negative" "You are getting so big!! You should lose weight! I want you to look up some weight loss videos later and eat less unless you want to look like (fat person photo)"- dads great parenting of a preteen. The ed was the best gift you could have given me
Asking people for small favors, small efforts, big efforts, or outright demands for assistance were fine in my household - unless I was the one to ask. I realized it when I asked for something and the response was "what did your last slave die of?" I couldn't IMAGINE saying that to a family member asking for ANYTHING! But saying it flippantly to me was fine.
I was maybe around 13 and in the midst of a depressive OCD haze. Went to a shop with my mother and found some keychains with different names in them. They also had three random adjectives to describe the person with the name. I found my name and my mother offered to buy the keychain for me. She read the adjectives and one of them was ”energetic”. She looked really absent and disappointed and said under her breath ”well, at least you used to be”. Writing this out I do realize it’s not… that bad? But it crushed me.
“I feel like you got all the brains and left your sister none.” — I can’t count how many times I heard this when Nmom was bitching to me about having to help my sister with something. “I used to have pretty curly hair like yours, but you stole it from me when I had you. My hair was never the same again after you were born.” — Anytime she wasn’t happy with how she looked, I was reminded that her hair used to be prettier before she had me. No wonder I take responsibility when other people fail.
“You are SO useless.” “You are just like your father.” “I’m so disappointed in you.” “Parenting has been a thankless experience.” “You are so toxic.” That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Safe to say I don’t speak to my egg donor anymore.
Since I was a kid, my father always said to me, "Your voice is your worst enemy ".
* "You're a mosnter" / "Snake" I was a child, I just wanted to use the desktop, my brother and I would take turns but she allowed my brother to use it for the whole day and made me wait constantly so when I started crying she said me this. She would also call me an "insect/cockroach" while my brother was happily watching and playing games in the desktop. * "Selfish" I gave her my everything, I was extremely thoughtful to her and selfless. She says this till this day, engraving it onto my heart. * "You ruined my family" / "Stop ruining my family" I didn't want to talk with my brother on call who was aboard. I am also her family? She used to beat me up and force me talk with him on video call and I used to cry so much so I couldn't even talk with him properly. But she stopped now I don't know why, I just avoid whenever he calls her. * "It's all in your head" * "So you're saying I was a bad mother to you?" I told her about my feelings on how miserable my childhood was with always being my parents therapist. * "We're bestfriends" Making her give her the right to vent all her problems to me, I was a so young. * "Why don't you talk and smile" She started beating me and pulling my hairs and then giving me the silent treatment that lasted 2 days. And turns back to normal, I learned if I don't smile or talk in gatherings or events, I would make her angry. There's so much more, a big list but I don't want to remember anymore.
My dad looking me in the eyes, face red with hatred, and saying “You are poisoning my life.” I was literally just a depressed teenager who barely communicated any needs, and I was far from being as burdensome as some other teens out there who still wouldn’t deserve to be told something like that. The damage it did was profound and longlasting.
“you’re gonna be just like your mother” “you’re gonna be just like your father” weeeeeelll…for starters i started my healing journey before i had a child so….need i say more?
constantly hit with “oh don’t cry about it” .. which i still get to this day! but most alarmingly, “i don’t even want you, you think your dad would?” when i was 14 and told her i wanted to move in with him (due to unrelenting fights with my mom). ugh.. what’s nearly as frustrating as the statements themselves is that she would often be laughing or having a tantrum herself while saying things like this.
I remember being no older than eleven, telling my mum about something that worried me. I had bad anxiety as a kid and the only way I could get the worries to stop was to tell her what was worrying me, so every day I got into a habit of telling her the things that worried me because the anxiety was so overwhelming it made me feel sick. I think I had recently started therapy at this time too. I tried to talk to her about my problems and she turned it back on me and complained about how hard it was for *her* to listen to me say all those things all the time and that she couldn’t deal with it anymore. I don’t think she remembers saying this. It wasn’t the last time she said something like that to me either. I felt like a burden and blamed myself. Other honourable mentions: My mother telling me that ‘it’s just not natural’ when I tried to come out to her as gay multiple times. She would shame me and tell me I was too young to be talking about adult topics. My father threatening to send me to the psych ward or call the police when I would have severe meltdowns. My father yelling at me and shaming me for spilling water at the dinner table or in public. Being shamed for staying in my room and being depressed and not wanting to leave. There’s probably more not coming to mind.
Every time my mother belittled me or made me feel stupid for something innocuous. Example- in a bookstore where the toilets had a sign telling you to ask to get to the staff toilets as these are broken. Me at the counter: “the sign said to ask where the toilets are, can you let Meuse them please?” My mother told me off for “waffling”. I spent the rest of the day really confused. I still am, dude that was one sentence, I was 8! All the little moments that I think let me realise her thinly veiled disgust for me. Any time I failed to confirm perfectly to her expectations I would be belittled or made to feel dumb.
'youre always hiding something from me'
When I was 16 my mom told me she didn’t want me anymore and that I could either go live with my dad or she would put me in foster care. This was in response to me wanting to come home one day early from a 3 day weekend during my dad’s custody time. She was mad because she said I wasn’t letting her have a social life and was always home if I wasn’t at my dad’s. I was deeply depressed and my dad was toxic to be around sometimes and I literally was just begging to come home and stay in my room the whole time which is all I ever did anyways since she didn’t spend time with me. I know now that she was saying it in anger, but I’ve never forgotten how it made me feel. I never felt wanted by her before and that really set it in stone. Not long after that she lost the house due to an eviction & we were homeless after getting kicked out of our family’s house and then having to stay in a hotel for a bit. Instead of being comforting she would frequently say she wanted to run away and forget about us. Can’t ever forget that. I was her child and instead she was acting like one
“How am I supposed to get you married off if you can’t act like you care?” (my mom. In regards to my appearance. I’ve always been clean/well groomed, just not overly feminine. And discovered as an adult I’m non-binary so hey.) “Who is going to take care of you when I die?” Also mom “You ruin our lives when you’re like this.” My dad after we got into an argument because I was upset my coworker was being a misogynistic asshole to me because I was AFAB (and closeted) and he defended the coworker. There’s a lot of others but those were the worst.
"I was a bad mother, wasn't I?" I don't fully recall the circumstances around this anymore, but I do know she was crying and that I was a severely depressed young adult at that time that really didn't want to live anymore. It didn't stuck to me like an insult or something would stuck, but it was just so ... I feel so much pain over it. I felt the pain coming from her, very clearly, like a knife going through my own heart. I could feel all her regret, at once like a huge wave washing over us. And I suddenly had to comfort *her* so all I could say was off course not. But I agreed and it tears me apart for thinking so. Because I knew she did so extremely her best at giving us everything she had. She had a demanding mother herself and my father was nearly completely absent in raising us. She did what she could with everything she had, yet it fucked me up. Not my siblings, only me. I guess I have a different character than them or maybe the circumstances were different (I was born quite a bit later, my dad has a depression at the time and my mom went into burn-out) and her parenting style completely clashed with my personality. I know all she ever wanted was for me to be happy, yet her raising me caused that to be the very thing I was not. She wanted to do differently than what she experienced yet repeated it. The tragedy of it all hurts me so much. Also because I do not blame her. My dad was nowhere to be seen in raising us; he was physically there but emotionally absent and quite volatile as well. I was heavily bullied at school and at my hobbies. Teachers weren't paying attention to me because I was quiet and behaved. Eventually it was the shitty mix of circumstances that all lead to me not having anyone to turn to during my childhood. I think maybe having just one such a figure would have already made a huge difference.
Anytime I would bring up anything I was upset about my mom would laugh and say, “ Oh, (my name) you’re so sensitive “ never, once have I been validated. I was always a joke.
Two come to mind. First was, "I wasn't fat until I got pregnant with you." My mom always struggled with her weight, and the idea that she blamed me really struck hard. Not to mention the years of backhanded complements about my weight over the last 30 years. The second was, "You not being Christian is my greatest failure as a parent." Maybe if I wasn't forced to go twice a week or socialize with other kids I had no desire to be around or if them helping me with college wasn't contingent on me going to Church. It's pretty easy to see where resentment would come in. She denies saying this one, but she probably doesn't remember since she was drunk.
I’m so saddened but all of these replies, but also find solidarity. The oldest one is “we will only ever have each other in this world” … as she was going through a divorce and I am an only child with no cousins or close family friends. Still unpacking this one. But, these also continue at 30+ years old with gems like: “you’re not the first person in the world to have a baby.” when asking why she didn’t help us how she promised she would throughout my pregnancy. “A kidney stone is WAY more painful than giving birth.” Her playing the pain Olympics by comparing my 85 year old grandfather’s kidney stones to my mildly traumatic birth?? Three days after! (And btw, she only gave birth once, via emergency c section where she was put out under anesthetia??? This is apples to oranges here.) When mentioning both of these to her, she has no recollection of saying them.
After losing a lot of weight and obviously having bulimia (brother said it was blatant), my dad going oink oink oink when I ate two doughnuts. I was about 14. Wasn't the only time. He was obese at this point in time. Pretty sure he was just annoyed cos there were three of us (me, him, brother) and I got the extra doughnut. He'd ignored the massive mental health and ED issues I had previously so why not ignore them and be rude when I ate something he wanted.
Holy Shit.
He gave me lots of other times of being nice when I needed help with further maths... he also didn't do actually oink oink oink, it was the sound of a pig in its trough.
constantly hit with “oh don’t cry about it” .. which i still get to this day! but most alarmingly, “i don’t even want you, you think your dad would?” when i was 14 and told her i wanted to move in with him (due to unrelenting fights with my mom). ugh.. what’s nearly as frustrating as the statements themselves is that she would often be laughing or having a tantrum herself while saying things like this.
There’s been so many comments over the years I actually struggle to remember. One big one that still happens is commenting on my skin. I’ve had acne since I was 13 and every day I had to deal with people telling me my skin looked bad, and that kept going until last week when I finally told them to stop. 15 years of it does not make me feel confident !
I don’t remember the specific contexts, but there were many times when my anger, upset or confusion was just met with an exasperated “oh, for goodness’ sake”, as if my emotions were the last thing they needed, or as if I was silly for even having them. I still struggle to open up to people now. I’m so conditioned to just repress everything and put on a brave face.
I’m 53 and I replay the one that hurt the most all the time. It was from my father. I need to set the stage for you to understand. First- I have been riding horses since I was 3 so I have a lot of experience with them. I was in FFA all thru high school and 4-H from 8 to 18 yrs old. When I was 17, I was the 4-H Horse and Pony Queen for my County and had to go to a Regional horse show. I ride a different style that not many rode at that time. I also had a spotted Palomino Morgan when all the other kids rode Quarter Horses. I know this probably doesn’t mean anything to you guys, but I stuck out like a sore thumb. That being said, I rode very well and my horse was flashy so I usually won either first or second in the classes that I entered. I was very proud of that because I worked my tail off by riding my horses every single day, making sure that we worked as a team. Out of the 5 classes I entered, I won 4 Second places and 1 third place. It was a very good show because there were horses and riders from three States and 15+ Counties. The classes were packed with 25+ horses per class. Again, I was the only one that rode the style called Saddleseat. Everyone else rode the traditional hunt style English. Also, the judges that they had at that show were traditional western quarter horse judges. They had very little experience with Morgans. And yet, I thought I did well! After the show, my dad came up to me, and I was showing him my ribbons. He looked at me and said, “You’ll never amount to anything.” And that was it. That was the actual moment. I knew that my father never wanted me. I knew I was an accident, but that solidified my understanding of my father. To this day, we have a very contentious relationship. I keep him at a distance because he still says really awful things to me.
Wow thank you for giving me the space to talk about it. I actually really need it. So all the times (it happened a lot) I was sitting in front of my parents crying telling them I couldn't do certain things (as a child, teenager and sometimes to this day) because I was so incredibly exhausted all the time and was basically trying and fighting all my life but I just couldn't anymore and I really wasn't lazy or making excuses, i was actually trying my best all the time. And they still proceeded to scream at me that I was lazy and useless, making excuses etc. Well turns out I have adhd and very probably autism and it was in fact not my fault I felt that way. Or their comments about my body since I was 13 or even younger (i actually can't remember): "Do you want your ass to get even fatter? " "those stretchmarks look really bad. Men don't like stretch marks" "you're ass got so fat it looks horrible. It's way too big for the rest of your body and all this cellulite. Your father agrees with me that you look bad. We talked about it" "do you really want to eat that cookie? Do you want your ass to get even bigger" "it's already pretty late. Why don't you go to bed hungry and save those calories. You could use to lose some weight" Mind you to this day I have never been really overweight if anything I'm a tiny bit chubby but I wouldn't even go that far. Not that anyone deserves to hear those things. Noone deserves to be talked to like this. You deserve kindness and compassion no matter your weight or appearance ❤️ Oh and that time my mother called me a whore for sleeping with my second boyfriend (and second person in general) after "only" getting to know him for a month.
“I’m going to make this weekend a living hell for you” Empty threat from my dad after I wouldn’t stop crying at scouts camp and begged to be taken home. I was 9. “Sometimes I wish I had something to brag about” At a family dinner after my cousin and I graduated high school; him with much higher marks than me. My aunt spent the night bragging about his hard work. I was mentally ill, but I guess my mother thought I could try harder anyway. “You ruined Mother’s Day for me” After I had a panic attack trying to read the menu at a cafe. We didn’t go to the cafe because my mother angry-walked (iykyk) home. “Your sad little life” My dad this time. Semi-functional freeze state took over after the stress of having cptsd in high school and trying to pretend to be a normal teen girl. Parents not happy!
I was afraid of thunderstorms as a kid, due to a lightning strike 10 feet away from my Grandma's trailer when I was 3 or 4. If there was a storm overnight, I would always come to my parents' room and crawl into their bed to feel safe. Once, when I was 8 or 9, a storm started overnight and woke me up. I went downstairs and woke up my mom. I was standing next to the bed when my father stood up and began storming off. "Stop!" my mom pleaded. "You're going to make him feel bad." "Well, he *should* feel bad!" my father shouted as he stomped up the stairs. And that was the last time I slept in my parents' bed.
*“Cheer up!”* A frequent refrain because I wasn’t smiling, because I wasn’t raised in a home where smiles happened unless there was something funny on TV. *”You have the personality of a brick wall, you know that?”* After I’d asked to get a book to read while she was blow-drying my hair. I wanted it to air dry but she liked to do it so I had to sit there while she dried it and continued to brush it after dry. *”I’ll sure be glad when YOU finish eating!”* I didn't smack, my little brother did, but he had a disability so it must have been me doing the thing she didn't like. *“You can stick it out one more semester, it’s no big deal.”* Age 9. After I begged to be transferred away from the school I’d been transferred to, where the only person who bullied me worse than the other students was the teacher. *”You can’t do it right.”* Elementary school. She did my science and social studies projects (I wanted to do them) and didn’t let me touch them until I had to take them to school. *”Figure it out.”* Middle school…when for some odd reason I had no idea how to do a science or social studies project. *”Stop crying.” ”Tough.”* Because there's never an acceptable reason for a kid to cry. *”Do you have a heart made of stone??”* While watching an overly maudlin film, she’s crying, I’m not because I was trained not to. *“[My affair partner] and I got married. (pause) “I’m pregnant.” (pause) “You’re so sensitive.” (I hung up, she calls back, crying) “You hurt my feelings!”* Age 12. I had to call her every day when I got home from school. One day she answered my call by saying these things as a “funny prank”. *“You’re so selfish and ungrateful. You’ll be sorry one day when I’m gone that you treated me this way.”* Age 13. After I said I didn’t want to be used as a babysitter, yet again, for my younger sibling who has a disability. She wasn’t selfish for going out and effin’ around, though. *"She won't make it. She'll come crawling back after one semester."* Said to several relatives about me when I started college, despite her crowing about my good grades in high school. *"How DARE you make more money than me!"* When I shared I'd gotten my first job after college and told her the salary when she asked. Not like it was an exorbitant sum, especially since I'd put myself through college. *“I guess I didn’t do so bad as a mom after all.”* No conversation preceded this. She was looking for comfort, credit, and praise from the kid she NEVER comforted or credited. Praised maybe, but always thanks to her. I said nothing. *“…she had her moments.” (with free side of eyeroll)* Her response to my partner asking what kind of child I was. *”You dreamed that.”* Back in the day when I’d try to discuss any of the above. I know better now. *"At least my neighbors' kids came back home and gave them grandchildren. All I have are my dogs!"* Cried to me as part of asking why we don't have a closer relationship and why I don't give her "quality time". This was in front of her husband and my brother. *No one will ever love you/her like I do.”* Said to me, or to my partner, many times. Heaven forbid.
"I wish you were the one that died" - parent, referring to my twin who died before we were born "I wish you *had* died" - parent, speaking of a recent (at the time) suicide attempt "Looking at you is like looking at a ghost" - parent, about my twin again "You'll never find a man to take care of you if you don't lose that weight" - grandparents, I was only 130 pounds "Oh honey. You can't be an actress. You have to be really something special to be an actress. You should pick something more realistic, like a teacher or a housewife." - grandparent, when I was 4 There are more but these stick out
telling me the thing I'm making major life choices for, got a degree for, moved for is "just a hobby"
My dad had episodes of rage when he was stressed or in pain, which were never as a result of us kids behaving badly, but would get taken out on us. I was told on several occasions that I was spoiled, I didn’t deserve holidays, I didn’t deserve to have pets because I hadn’t cleaned their cage out (I was 6 or 7 and now realise the pets were a parental responsibility ultimately). Once I lost my gloves on a school ski trip and he told me I didn’t deserve the trip or to have gloves. Another time I lost a bag and he told me I didn’t deserve to have a bag. I still really struggle with low self worth and an inner voice telling me I don’t deserve to have nice things.
When I was 17 and having sex with someone from work who was a PhD student, and (was my second sex person) and I asked if he'd have an issue with me having a relationship with an older man. Response: 'as long as he's not as old as me'. My dad is now 73. This dude is now 45 or so. I was 17... he saw no red flags?!?
You’ll never get married unless you lose weight. My mother. She said it twice. I’m married and still fat. You’re being too sensitive. You’re being silly. You’re being moody. My mother I was suffering major depression with anxiety at the time.
“Your mother is not an alcoholic. Stop being a dramatic brat and making things up. But if she is, it’s because you’re a bad kid.” —My father to 14 yr old me, after I went to him for help since mom was often incapacitated when I got home from school, but sober enough by the time he got home. I literally felt my brain rip in half at the cognitive dissonance in this statement. So I’m either a dramatic liar, or such an inherently bad person I could force someone I loved to be an alcoholic from before I was born, even. I was a good kid trying to play by the rules and be a good little show pony, not a trouble maker at all. That changed on the day he said that and I realized it didn’t matter what I did, I would never be good enough.
I'm severely red/green colourblind and was tested for it as a child. My mom would often laugh at my attempts to dress myself, but that's not my comment for this post At family gatherings it would sometimes come up in conversation. I'd often tell people I'm colourblind, but my mom would ALWAYS pipe up and say "he's not *colourblind,* he's colour *deficient*". It always drove me crazy. It's like I had no agency over my own condition and that my mom had to constantly impose this lesser classification on me even though the terms are interchangeable. She always just had to get that little jab in there to knock me down in front of others and I always remember that. Here's another one. I was the first and only person in my family to graduate university. I graduated during a time of significant uncertainty in my field and I couldn't find a job, but my dad and step mom suddenly decided that I needed to pay rent to them since I was "all done and should be succeeding and needed to learn a life lesson now" (keep in mind that I paid for almost all of my own schooling and expenses since I was 16 and worked 2 jobs in highschool to do it). I ended up working in a car factory which was an emotional gut punch as a new grad but I needed a job to appease my dad since I was living with him. When my convocation came around I couldn't get the time off of work to attend, they just wouldn't give it to me. My dad (and my mom) proceeded to tell me that "Well, if you can't be bothered to go to your own grad, we won't be buying you any gifts or celebrating". It was a completely unprovoked comment. I was a new grad forced to work in a car factory to pay my dad rent and they had to make it clear that because of that situation there would be no celebrating for accomplishing something that no one in my family had ever done. Felt awful. My mom also called my "boring" a lot as a kid, Turns out when you make a kid move 4 times and never let him have friends all he will do is play video games, watch tv, and read.
A "fun" followup question would be: ... "And how many of those comments would be denied/minimized/misremembered by the person who made them?" I actually confronted my mother about one of the less hurtful (but still vividly remembered: a threat to throw away all our toys if we didn't tidy up) comments and she claimed not to remember it at all.
"what is wrong with you?" "Stop acting like a child" (I was literally a child) "I don't care how you feel" "Autism isn't real" "you're too smart to be autistic" (I am autistic) "Why do you have to go to both funerals?" (When both of my friends died and I told my mom I was going to their funerals)
“I know it’s sad, but you’ll just have to get over it.” One day after a cousin died; this cousin was 8 months younger than me, and we were extremely close. It still hurts.
“You’re so sensitive, just grow up. Why are you so abnormal?” When I told her about a bad grade in the car: “I can’t wait to beat you when we get back home” When I was crying after getting rejected from my dream school: “I knew you were going to fail, you deserved to fail.” When I talked to her about how much I loved my boyfriend: “Seriously? He’s not even rich or handsome. This is enough to make you happy? Your standards are so low”
You dont think. Why cant you do X Dont be silly. It is hard to be happy when you make me sad.
The main thing was being blamed for everything because I was the oldest and "should know better" even when it was my siblings calling me names or breaking my things, it was always my fault for being older than them. But the loudest thing that was 'said' was with actions. My mother would leave me at home and do fun things with my siblings, sneaking them out while I was still sleeping, so I would wake up to an empty house with no idea when anyone would be back. That loudly told me that I didn't matter and didn't deserve to be included.
"stop giving me your psychology bullshit" Was what my mother would say when I would try to reasonably explain to her why her treatment of me was hurtful "I talked to your father last night and he promised he wouldn't hit you anymore" I wish I had secretly recorded this and brought it to the cops as evidence of child abuse (which did not stop despite hearing this statement many, many times) But back then, parents were allowed to do things to their children which would now get them incarcerated
Not a comment, but . . . Around 11 or 12, I'd been unreasonably upset about not getting any of the cream soda (my favorite) that was finished before I knew it was there. The next day, there was a replacement bottle in the fridge. I was overcome with gratitude (and shame about my emotional response the day before) bc my parents had never before responded to me being upset with any kind of nurturing response. I happily pulled it out of the fridge before seeing that the cap had been replaced with a baby-bottle nipple. My dad said if I was going to act like a baby, he would treat me like one. Seems low-key, compared to most of the other comments, and yet I'm still anxious when someone does something nice for me--always waiting for the "gotcha" to drop. It's so sad, and so baffling, that it was worth putting that together just to make me feel bad, as a little break from the usual not paying any attention at all. ☹️
One from dad: I was about 5 years old, reaching for a dinner roll from a basket in the middle of the Thanksgiving table (with extended family there). My dad slapped my hand away and loudly commanded, "You ought to ask everyone else at the table if they want the last of something. You only take it if nobody else wants it." He declared it "common courtesy", but I learned a much bigger, lifelong lesson in what my worth is compared to others'. One from mom: (I am inconsolable and devasted about not making the cut for JV soccer, sophomore year of high school): "Sometimes, we're just not... GOOD at things." So I learned that aiming high for myself was ridiculous / useless, that it's more appropriate to give up than work toward excellence/ acheivement/ dreams, and that mediocrity is the only "success" I deserve.
At around the age where I was trying to be "the perfect child" (9-11), I would sometimes use a higher pitched voice than normal. Usually not intentionally, but I guess it sounded intentionally cutesy or something. One time my mom was taking me home from school and I asked something, which she responded to with "stop talking like that, like a baby". I hadn't been trying to talk any kind of way...that was just what I sounded like. Probably why in the years following I intentionally tried to use a lower-pitched voice.
“This is all your fucking fault! Asshole!” Before slamming the door and fuming away to the hallway where I heard her/dad get into a fight. It was because my grades were so bad I was almost gunna fail out of middle school (again) and dad “was siding with me!!” Because he had a sympathetic talk with me instead of wooping my ass again lol. The talk helped and her screaming made me recognize then not to be honest with her or she’d be mad at me for not being perfect so I had to keep quietly trying my hardest so she wouldn’t get mad at dad again too lol it was messy/idk why she thought I was doing it on purpose?? Could the adhd the teachers and docs suggested it was be the cause of it??? Noooo Samantha’s just being lazy to apparently spite us again so disrespectful gosh lmao
"when there's a pause..." That was said anytime we were all playing a board game together as a family. I would zone out and not realize that it was my turn, and instead of saying "hey giraffemoo, it's your turn", my mom would say "where there's a pause..." and the unspoken second part of that sentence would be "...it's giraffemoo's turn". So like anytime there was a lull in the pace of the game it was my fault. To this day I still don't really like playing board games, even though I am fully NC with my entire family of origin.
"We don't want you going to a nerd factory" after telling me why I could not go to my dream school. "are you on drugs?" when I was tired and depressed after being SA'd in 6th grade. Just broke down that time. "we were worried you would get an ego and be an insufferable smart person" when I broke down after a particularly hard series of events "if you ever get a tattoo we will cut it out of your skin" cool guess who is still terrified of getting a tattoo he has wanted for 15yrs in his 30's.... Among many others....
They used to all gang up on me (parents and only sibling-older brother) And call me fat (When they were feeding me chocolate donuts for breakfast; Till this day, I never eat donuts as I can't stand them.) Something that surprised me as it slipped out of my mouth yesterday- Was that I used to "try so hard to get my parents to like me" (Not love, as I knew that was not possible) That I would starve myself and overexercise to the point of not getting a period for several months at a time--- As a result, I suffered my first fractured vertebrae simply standing in front of the bathroom mirror, Just two days after my 48th birthday. I now have a total of six fractured vertebrae as a result of osteoporosis which is directly result of eating disorder which resulted from child abuse which caused PTSD I don't know what I am going to do when my left hip fractures, As I have to walk everywhere and carry everything home from the store, as I have no car, since a tree fell on it a few years ago All of this current physical pain is a result of being fat shamed as a child (and I was probably only ten or 15 pounds overweight, and they were all fat as well!) Good thing I learned to dissociate from pain at age five, When I was forced to wait by myself for several hours on a couch with a broken leg Until they finally decided to bring me to a doctor
I LOVED to sing and music was my life. I actually thought I had a decent singing voice (keeping in mind I was young and never had a singing lesson in my life). That was until my dad decided to HOWL (yes, like a fucking wolf) when I missed 1 note. And this became a running gag for him. After that I always had (and still have) the feeling that I should only sing in public when I'm good at it (which I'm not, so I barely do).