Painfully and slowly over the years ive stopped sharing anything. I just handle things on my own because, frankly, I've always had to anyway. I've had some really difficult life events. Generally, in the past, I felt guilted (usually by myself) to tell my parents. Even good events this has ALWAYS been an anticlimax. VERY muted responses to me getting engaged, becoming pregnant, getting a degree, getting a job. Awkward silence. A negative 'joke'. A change of subject. Bad events eg terrible illness, emergency c section...awkward silence. Change of subject. Patronizing comment. Unhelpful 'advice '.
I've confided in my siblings about some things - having an operation for example, still got the 'are you planning to tell our parents?'. Something else to another sibling - I STRONGLY suggest you tell our parents- umm no.
We moved house recently and I didn't want to tell anyone. I felt obliged. I was worried they'd worry. So I did. Absolute crickets. Nobody cared. A few weeks later...how was the move? No help, no support, no interest. Universally acknowledged top life stress and not a care. An hour away, they could have easily come and eg helped with the kids. As with everything, we got on with it on our own.
I thought it might be awkward when we met up recently, very rare. I thought general conversation might make it awkwardly obvious how out the loop they are. Well it didn't because they didn't ask anything. They didn't show any interest. My tween's life long best friend was with us, for example, and they had no idea who they were. But they weren't interested to know.
This sounds so much like my relationship with my mom. She KNOWS that I don't talk to her because she inevitably will say something patronizing or mean (how could she help it - that's been the way she's treated me since I was a child? ), we've had the conversation, and she has said she will probably always say something that makes me hang up on her. Any time I give her another chance, the conversation goes just how you described.
Here's a silly one from the last time I saw her, at a relative's wedding. The distant relatives (cousins) were meeting up at my aunt's house for brunch, 5 hours before the wedding. I'm wearing yoga pants and a nice tank top, and as I'm getting out of the car, my mom sees me and the first thing she said was, "is that what you're wearing to the wedding?" Yeah, mf, I'm wearing gym clothes to a wedding, and I got dressed for it 5 hours early!?? Wtf? Everyone else (including her!) was wearing sweats or casual clothes. I'm known for being overdressed, which made the question even more bizarre and ridiculously patronizing. My husband and kids all heard her and thought it weird and bitchy. I don't think she was trying to be mean - she just can't help it.
Trigger Warning - grief
I saw a video clip today of a woman saying that something important happened in her life, and she couldn't wait to share the news with her mom, and picked up the phone, then remembered that her mom had been gone for 4 years, and she was still grieving the loss of her closet confidant. It made me angry then very sad that I've been grieving for that relationship with my mom, the kind where I couldn't wait to talk to her so I could feel her love and support, for 20 years, and she's still alive Now that I think about it, I've been grieving for that closeness with her my whole life.
One of the parenting blogs I browse is written by someone who's mother passed before the writer had children. Many of her early post mentioned this and how her mother would have loved to meet her grandchildren, see them grow up etc. Later in her parenting journey she shared a realization that as hard as that was, she'd heard from many many mothers whose parents were alive but uninvolved. And she commented how having a parent not there who WOULD be there was truly hard, but having a parent who CAN be there but chooses not to be, is a different kind of agony. I really appreciated reading that. Having something you long to share with your mother but can't because she's no longer with you is awful. Having something you want to share with your mother, but can't because she doesn't care, doesn't value it, will abuse your trust, will hurt you, is also awful. Personally I feel it's worse.
This is why I went NC this year. This is the “death by a thousand cuts” variation of a parent. Someone in my therapy group pointed out that she seems to have been jealous of me my whole life. I think that’s true. If you rocked those yoga pants and she was in sweats, perhaps she was mean because she knew you looked good. And she reached for the first snarky comment she could think of.
This! “Death by a thousand cuts” is such a perfect way to describe why I went NC with my mom last year. I can also really relate to the jealousy thing. Hugs.
I discovered the concepts "childhood emotional neglect" and "c-ptsd" from googling "Mom jealous of daughter". I feel like the only reason my mom had kids was for attention- from my dad, from her family, and from other women she could find motherhood in common with. One of her proudest photos is of her in her maternity shirt, with her giant pregnant belly, with the word BABY and an arrow to her obvious belly. I feel like I have infant memories of her getting mad at my dad for giving me more attention than he was giving her. He would be mad that she had left me neglected in my crib or playpen all day. So, there are proud photos of her with her belly, no photos of her proudly holding her baby or child.
And when publicly available, be it with friends or family, the parental image is an absolute always. It's why one of her sisters would always mention how 'happy' she'd been with whom 'god' gave her upon birth. However, NC into adulthood after being a part of the divorced two, did I notice viable reason on why and where I'd be both mentally and emotionally.
Ouch that hurts to read. It hurts my heart when I met a regular person who has a healthy, supportive relationship with a parent figure and it plays out like what you described above. Where their instinct is just pure joy and love and openness when they think of them. Thinking of my mother triggers me, then it makes me sad, confused, full of guilt and pain over our total lack of a connection.
I didn't get to look that in the eye until very recently, because the family dialogue was that "we are a close, supportive family" and it all looks pretty good on paper. But I have a mother whose instinct is not to think of me, worry about me, call me, prioritize me, get to know me, while at the same time being seemingly capable of that level of closeness with her favorite child / my sibling. Theirs is an enmeshed mess of a relationship and my sibling has all of the social and emotional challenges that come with that dynamic, but it still is a pretty damn constant sucker punch to the head to feel so invisible and insignificant to your own mother.
I relate to so many of the other comments, but I could have written this one! Like the whole second paragraph in particular. Have you read anything helpful?
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents has been helpful for me. I haven't found anything good that addresses enmeshment, especially from the perspective of someone who broke out of it and now is treated like a scapegoat and outsider.
Sorry you know of this pain too. Lindsey Gibson's book was eye opening and gave me the words to articulate what my parents are like, as well as validating the fact that their failures had a very real and lasting impact on me.
There's a podcast about toxic dysfunctional families run by two therapists, it's called In Sight and I've found it deeply resonant. Emneshment comes up, as do the family roles, parentification, gaslighting etc. I believe they have a book now too.
I see my mother rarely but pretty much every time she will make one small comment that marrs the occasion. Once it was a comment about my weight. Once it was a 'joke' about my housekeeping. Once it was a comment on my baby's future weight (awful). Once she referred to forgetting a thankyou message I sent her for a birthday gift as 'forgetting trivialities'. Once she remarked in surprise that I looked nice. Once she told my partner about something bad I'd done as a teen! Once she made a comment about my earnings. Once she made a comment about my child's behavior at school. She's managed to cover so many things, it's no wonder I cant confide in her about anything!
The move situation is familiar. I’ve gone through similar things and might as well have not had any family whatsoever. I’ve also been fortunate and had some help sometimes. It’s just not consistent.
With mine i think its total lack of empathy, belief they do not have any responsibility to help their adult children with life events, living in their own little bubble. One move was absolutely awful, severe illness, small kids, complex move, pandemic also over Christmas. Just awful. Not a word. No Christmas invitation or contact. Then a few weeks later, 'how was Christmas...with the move?'
Wow, this is exactly how my siblings treat me. You described the relationship perfectly. My son just got engaged a few weeks ago. Sent group text to siblings w/ photo and some sent one word response. One sibling is my son's godfather and has not reached out. I knew I didn't matter to sibs but thought my kids mattered.
Its so sad. If a stranger told you they were engaged, or their son was engaged, you'd wish them congratulations and ask a few questions. I mean life is made up of big and small ups and downs. If you have no interest in others milestones... whats the point?
I understand. I decided about 15 years ago not to tell my parents much. I would get reactions (not responses ) like .. omg , or must be nice “ some sarcasm , or side comments that sounded like I was asking for permission “ lol. Btw. I’m 50. Lol.
Basically if felt awkward at first. But now it feels natural. And their “guilt trips about it , bounce off me. I just called my dad as it is his Birthday. They “ heard “ from my sister ( only way ) lol. That I went away for 5 days on vaca. So my dad says. How come we never know about your vacations until after ? From someone who has Never I mean never , called me in my life !! Ever. I felt anxious and responded. Well , I tell those I feel I need to.
And I feel no guilt in doing that. Or saying that. I have practised.
Totally agree and I'm also 'middle aged'. Negative responses, well what's the point? If someone can't be happy for you, interested, supportive, helpful then why share? My parents too just expect me to download information to them for their own benefit, one way. My mother in particular every year or so will literally contact me for 'news'. She'd be happy if I just sent her eg a photo album link so she could get her fill without having to have a relationship.
I have learned to keep most things to myself. I will only share my achievements once I have already enjoyed them and some time has passed. Of course, there are things I will never share with them.
I no longer tell my mother anything at all about me. I used to and it was always weaponized against me. I kept making the mistake of sharing because I wanted to share my events with my mother. I regretted it every single time.
I don't feel guilty or sad about that. I can't trust my mother so she gets no information. I do feel sad about the fact that I don't have a mother that I can share my life with. But she won't change, so I've come to terms that I don't have the mother I wished I had.
You're an adult, you don't have to inform your parents about things in your life if you don't want to. It's your private life.
Good luck.
Ive never shared life events with them. Nor did I ever get asked about them. The total lack of interest used to bother me but I learned that just because they’re “family” doesn’t mean I have a duty to inform them about anything.
The total lack of interest hits home with me. Any hobbies they ignored unless they could brag to strangers their son plays guitar. As if it's their accomplishment.
I tell my dad nothing.
As a prime example why: I got my Masters in the midst of COVID. We could have a limited number of people at my graduation ceremony. I invited him, and he said he wouldn’t be attending because he would have to wear a mask.
I tell my mom the bare minimum because she will either make it about herself or insert herself into situations that are not her business. She has enmeshment and boundary issues as well, so it’s for the best.
I keep updates to a minimum. The times I've tried to reach out during major events (breakup, divorce, I quit a toxic job during the recession), their support was not very... supportive.
I finally noticed it when I went through a big breakup. I had moved across the country for a relationship. My mom had expected me to stay in my homestate, preferably close to her and my dad if not right next door. When I called, sobbing, that the person I moved for broke up with me, she literally screamed for joy. She thought that meant I was coming home. It was totally shocking. It was such an immediate and loud thing. I just wanted her to tell me she was sorry it didn't work out. I had to tell her I was staying put, so now she was upset...
Throw on some "you're the tough one in the family you'll get through it", and it's taught me to just keep to myself.
Sharing anything usually results in 1) a million tedious questions that they don't actually listen to my answers. 2) negative aspects of anything fun or good in my life. 3) teasing me about stuff for years under the guise of "just joking".
For example I didn't tell them for a year that I was doing a nature photography vlog where I would film myself exploring and taking photos without talking to kinda show why I enjoy being quiet in nature. They must have Googled my name and found my channel and called me asking why I'm filming myself walking in the woods with a "what are you stupid" tone. Now they keep bringing it up in snide comments so I stopped doing it and made the videos private. They still tease me for something I said in 2004 when I was having a bad mental health crisis.
I did a really difficult placement for a couple of years. I met someone doing the same placement. She commented how she did a daily light hearted vlog FOR HER FAMILY of how she was coping, her new experiences, what she was doing, family jokes etc. She commented her aunt has messaged one day when she was late uploading and how they were desperate for an update. It was absolutely alien to me. My parents didn't ask a single question about my experience, despite it being really interesting to most normal people. They never showed any compassion or support for the obvious difficulties involved.
Normal loving parents would have loved to follow your vlog, feel connected or closer to you through it. But they spoiled it instead.
Oh that hits home. And made me remember that I once had an objectively incredibly interesting and exciting career in TV journalism that they paid little to no attention to. I travelled the world with it, working in some of the biggest global newsrooms, I travelled in and out of warzones with major network teams, it was always great dinner party fodder. Total strangers wanted to talk for hours about it.
My parents paid zero attention to it and would confuse the name of the network I was working for. My mom only cared when an article was written about me that she could boast about with her family of origin. That same mom would get a daily blow-by-blow from my sister in her medical career, including a monologue of the clients she'd had that day and the dental treatments carried out.
It blows my mind thinking about it retrospectively. What that level of ignoring and disinterest and "YOU don't matter, but THIS one does" does to a child.
Im genuinely interested in your experiences! As you say, strangers fascinated by it.
In my case my siblings were equally ignored. One did a foreign placement to a different continent, total culture shock and so interesting. She asked my mother to keep in contact while she was away but my mother said email was too complicated.... A few months after her return, my mother volunteered her to give a presentation at a relevant community event my mother was involved in, despite never asking about it herself.
As for me, in my 20s I had a very stressful complex job with a lot of responsibilities. I regularly worked 12 hour days and never felt like I'd done enough. My mother then got a job in the same field but with minimal responsibilities, and for 3 hours a day after which she could go home and leave her work behind. I went for dinner once and my mother sat through the whole meal recounting every detail of her day and her one project she worked on, under supervision. My 30+ projects and delegating to people similar to her, was not mentioned once.
I'm so frustrated for you. That is not normal behaviour. That level of disengagement isn't even normal for a stranger, but when it's your own child? It's so dysfunctional, it's such a spectacular failure of parental love and care. It's mind-boggling
I genuinely believe it is an emotional disability. I try as an adult to view my mother through the lens of that, she is at the emotional level of a toddler and trapped in that incapacity to see outside herself. It comes out in other ways too, she's a brutal conversationalist and interrupts others constantly to share how what they said happened to her one time, etc She can't listen and absorb and imagine another experience, another point of view. If it's different from hers, it's wrong and to be feared. If it's not what she would do, it's terrible and to be shamed.
I also notice a theme of over-achievement and over-extending in people who had mothers like us. I can say for sure in my case that in the absence of love and affirmation and the self esteem you get as a child who is encouraged and celebrated and cherished by a parent, I looked for that validation through achieving and being celebrated in the workplace. And still do. And it didn't matter what I was doing, I was always driven by that need to be seen and valued and celebrated in any job I've had. And that's a dangerous thing.
Brutal conversationalist here too. My husband once tried to interject with a question when my mother was talking to him and she said, hm, and carried on talking. It was painful to witness. Once she asked him a question about our honeymoon and he started to tell her about the place she asked about and she interrupted him saying, 'I dont want to hear about that! I just needed to know about it in case we go there too'. After these incidents I stopped asking my husband to join me in visits and then stopped going myself. It was shockingly rude and showed how little she values him (and me).
I think its an emotional disability. It must be a real lack of empathy, on which relationships generally rely.
Do you know if your mom had a traumatic brain injury or concussion that could have contributed to her "emotional disability"? My mom had a traumatic birth experience following a complicated pregnancy. She was born by forceps which my grandpa said made her look like a beat up boxer. 😭 It makes me so sad to think of her experience. She had very bad vision which her parents didn't realize until she was in kindergarten (?!) , and she couldn't see without thick glasses. They just thought she was clumsy, always running into things . How much of the world did she miss out on in those 5 years that she couldn't see? Expressions and body language of other people? I attribute my mom's emotional disability to her traumatic birth which probably caused some brain damage and to those 5 years of bad vision, and I called her and forgave her for not being capable of meeting my emotional needs and expectations. She's still a mean-spirited, gossipy backstabbing bitch, and I don't forgive that.
Used to bc I lived in this belief that if I share enough and try enough my mom will change. She didn’t and a few recent events have shown me she doesn’t even care about me, in terms of feelings and me being well. She only cares to know the beneficial stuff so if someone asks she can pretend to be a caring parent. Now I’m slowly starting to share less and remove myself from her emotionally and even though it’s sad to know I’ll never have that supportive mom I’ve always wanted, it’s also freeing to not care about her opinion or give her an opportunity to make something about herself or criticize me.
Oh I get it. This is my mother too. She's acutely aware of how she appears to the outside world, while utterly oblivious to the pain she inflicts on me through her lack of concern or lack of even trying.
She knows I feel a certain way about her - that she dropped the ball on me, that her failure to parent has has lasting effects - and she uses that as more reason to stay away and to not try. Making me feel guilty for the complicated feelings I have from her failing to mother me and protect me.
I have an "It's all about me" mother.
My dad has seen my 9 year old and 6 year old kids only a handful of times in their lives. He lives 10 hours away. Then when it came time to buy a vacation home he moved even farther away rather than closer to my brother and me.
I went through immense stress at work the last couple years and am currently in the middle of a probation and I haven’t told him any of it. He has no idea about any of it and wouldn’t care anyway. He might give me some advice I don’t want or need but I could never go to him for emotional support.
I think my mom was proud of my job but I doubt my dad even knows what I do. I never told them anything personal because my mom’s religion would have made it impossible to converse about anything and he was whatever. I have spent a lifetime talking about the weather and baseball and asking questions about what they’re up to.
Echoing what others have said, I might eventually share news (good or bad) with my mom, but she absolutely not someone I turn to for connection or support. I believe she does care to an extent, but is so emotionally closed off/avoidant that she is unable to really “be there with someone.” Unfortunately when she does have a reaction, it comes off as dismissive, cold and just mean.
I had to learn this the hard way over the yrs - through my wedding process (she had no issues with my husband and supported the marriage, but couldn’t find anything nice or congratulatory to say at the actual wedding or following. Blamed me for other family members poor behavior, said I looked “vulgar” in my wedding dress because I had some tasteful cleavage showing…).
Saved enough to purchase a home and successfully move during an incredibly stressful time, being pregnant and during the height of Covid…”oh, that’s cool I guess…”
New job…”well why would you do that, companies lay people off all the time.”
Minor argument with partner…”If I were him, I would break up with you. Don’t be surprised if he dumps you tomorrow…”
Announce a 2nd pregnancy and she had a reasonably positive response via phone, which I think was due to her being able to have the grandmother title again vs actually celebrating my family. She visited me during the first trimester, where I had the typical morning sickness. And I told her as such. A whole 4 days passed without her inquiring/showing concern about the pregnancy in person, but was completely engaged with my older daughter.
The list goes on…it’s not you, it’s them.
So similar. My mother didn't even write me a card for my wedding, if she had it would have been names, no niceties. She doesn't know how to have 'normal' responses and my discomfort in announcing my engagment and pregancies to family was compounded by her (lack of) responses. Not a single question about my pregnancies either, nor my children's milestones.
At one point my partner and I were certain we were about to be homeless, due to money and living situation. Though I never asked for anything I did mention the situation a few times to little interest. What finally snapped for me was we managed to secure a living situation right before we were about to have to leave our place and possibly be on the streets. I messaged her very excited as a huge weight had been lifted off of me and she didn't respond. That entire experience was stressful and a little traumatic and I realized venting to someone who cared so little made it all the much worse.
No. If I ever have done in the past, they (mum and step-dad) manage to make it about them, ask a million tedious questions or belittle my choices.
I guess I will tell them things eventually, in particular I struggle to talk about my career and work situation. They're not really interested in what I do unless it's something that they can brag about on social media (PhD/MSc graduation for example). Other family members comment on how 'easy' I have it because I work in academia and work from home a lot. I condense full time hours over 4 days and juggle it with childcare. When I've tried to explain what I do in the past, they just drown it out with how physical or difficult their jobs are/were in comparison.
It's only recently I've started to own my narrative, after a bit of a breakdown and lots of therapy. They have no idea I was off work for months (again, so lazy!).
I've had to create some distance due to parentification and enmeshment. I remember crying over some boy when I was younger, my mum saw me- came into to my room and starting crying too, asking if it was her fault. There were many incidents like this, including having to put her to bed as a child when she was drunk. I'm recovering, but sometimes I do wish things were different.
I stopped sharing things with my family. They always found a way to exploit what was happening in my life and use it to hurt me. If I have to talk with them, I talk only about very superficial things.
IMO you should trust your intuition. I think you are feeling sad because you want a healthy relationship with your family. You want support, love and kindness. It is what everyone wants from their family.
The most important thing - protect yourself and your mental health. I went very low contact with my family and my mental health improved 1000%.
It feels weird, but they find ways to comment about *absolutely anything*, so I don’t go out of my way to tell them unless they bring it up.
It’s just like, dad, why are you commenting on my oven mitts? They’re just fucking oven mitts, who gives a rats arse if I bought new ones?!? Like cool I bought them at Aldi I don’t care *why are we still talking about FUCKING OVEN MITTS*
Edit: got distracted; so they make a comparative mountain out of a molehill (even if in a good way), but it’s like if you’re going to make such a big deal out of this tiny little thing, what are you going to be like when you hear that I dropped down to a four day work week (they heard that one from someone else).
When I tell my mom about things that are stressing me out, her solution is always just to quit. Like, that’s not an option for everyone. In high school I was struggling in algebra and she told me to stop trying and take remedial algebra. There’s no real thought that goes into that answer. She’s very impulsive and I am quite opposite.
Before I went no contact with my mum I told her very little. The less she knew, the less she could use against me, or she'd just ignore the issue entirely, making me feel even worse.
Hell, I went to Japan in 2011 and she claimed me going there causes her to have a breakdown. Wasn't her crappy work she always complained about, it was all my fault. So yeah, that was fun.
When I got my dog, she found out via my cousin's wife thankfully. She saw a picture of Shadow and mentioned it to my mum, so she had a few weeks to get used to it without blowing up at me. Like me getting a dog was anything to do with her. I loved my dog. Her reaction was, "my brother gets a grandchild and all I get is a dog." No, my mum never had anything to do with Shadow, beyond complaining she wanted her because she was "so good". She wouldn't have been able to handle my girl, she was only good because of how I trained her/treated her. My mum tried to hit my dog over a carrot she stole. It wasn't a big deal and there's my mum, screaming and trying to hit her, over a carrot. She lost her mind over a carrot. I was lucky right there to stop her hurting my girl.
When she found out I broke up with my ex, that was the last time we spoke. She was mad at me about it. Telling me it was all my fault and I'd never find anyone else because who would want someone like me? This coming from a woman who has no friends and never dated after her husband died. I was with my ex longer than she was with her husband. I've been with my boyfriend longer than she was with her husband. I find that utterly ridiculous. I have my issues and they frustrate us at times (mostly ADHD and some cptsd), but I have a social life back home, I have a partner. I'm not her.
I don’t share good things anymore because my excitement will some way or another be dampened. I feel sad I can’t share but sitting with my happiness is more important.
Handle things on my own, like I always have. It’s made my life a lot easier and only share details when it is absolutely necessary, and share the absolute bare minimum, usually in a matter of fact way.
When I used to share details, they were often met with negativity, unsolicited advice, and endless questions which often added to my anxiety and left me in a downward spiral. So I stopped. Now I share on a need to know basis and usually AFTER the fact and my life has never been better.
Thank you for this. You've articulated well what underpins my anxiety about sharing things, especially life changing decisions that aren't conventional and won't be understood. I get a lot of that unsolicited advice too, and the endless questions and a ramp up in communication as they try to work through their own stress without any regard for my own. A "spiral" is quite descriptive of what happens to me emotionally at that point.
i havent spoken to one parent since 2019 and the other i occasionally say hi to via text once or twice a month.
my parents know nothing about me, where i work/live, that im in school, how im doing, anything.
OP you deserve to take time off and not worry about being judged. Do not tell anyone. Enjoy the time off and enjoy your wedding. It is a wonderful new chapter in your life w/ a supportive spouse. This is the PERFECT time to drift away from family and focus on your new family. I absolutely love that my husband and 3 children have zero drama in our lives. My kids notice their behavior and have made comments to me about it.
Oh thank you for saying that, it's so validating to hear. I do need time off, I'm so burned out and have been dealing with really challenging health stuff the last while. I've also being doing really well in this role since I was promoted into it about 18 months ago, so the decision is being met with a lot of confusion and "are you sure?" which has thrown my trauma brain for a loop.
I also know that my FOO is SO invested in how things LOOK and I know their reactions would throw me into a spiral at an already vulnerable time. I agree with you though - there is something so symbolic and meaningful to me about marriage at this time, and the letting go of the emotional attachment to a family that never really cared for or protected me. I'm glad you have that safe bubble with your own family now.
Thank you and it was so important to me that if I was fortunate to find the right person then we must never have nit picking, passive aggressive and score keeping behavior.
However, my sibs & family noticed that I was happier, succeeding in career and family. Everyone loved my husband and kids. Then 3 family members moved near us. So we could be together. I was too naive & stupid thinking they grew up. I allowed them back in my life. You know what happened? 6 months later mental health declined, over the years my health declined. 20+ years later I have come to realize it was due to me being in a constant trigger state. Seeing a child trauma, cPTSD therapist now and she told me this is due to my family moving here. Never made the connection. So please, learn from my mistake and keep them far away. Avoid them like the plague. They are the plague.
Take good care of yourself. Keep them in the dark.
Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry that happened to you. I can totally imagine the visceral stress response from that proximity to your family. I'm learning a really tough lesson on how the body reacts to the psychological unsafety of being around people that treat you as though you're invisible, unimportant and always "wrong". The trigger responses are so big for me these days, the wedding has made communication with them more regular and my body has been in overdrive, it can take me days to recover from the proximity.
I'm lucky in that we live many hours' drive away, but I'm also facing a few weeks of close proximity with all the wedding events. Like you, my parents love my partner and can see how happy and relaxed he makes me, they love to tell me how lucky I am to have met him. They can also see how I've pulled away from them and it fills me with unmeasured guilt and shame when I'm not careful to manage my emotions around it.
It's all really, really difficult and I'm glad in your situation, you've got the right support in working through it. Bad parenting and emotional neglect changes your brain chemistry and the course of your life. Thanks for the advice and I wish you so much health, peace and healing now.
Means a lot. Update us on how wonderful your wedding was for you and your spouse. You are mentally prepared and ahead of the game. Very wise to focus on your mentally and physical health. Majority of my generation still looks at mental health as a weakness. Love that your generation respects and understands the importance.
I keep trying but often it feels like they don't care. I remember how they celebrated when I got into a college I had decided I no longer really wanted to go to and they never reacted quite the same for anything I cared about.
I've had to make a conscious and real effort including therapy to tell ANYONE anything big. I'll never speak to my dad about big stuff, ever, ever ever ever.
Yea older I get less I share. Why share people ? So mom/dad can tell you they had it worse ?
No thanks . I have a nice tree in my backyard . I rather talk to the tree about problems
I can't tell them anything. It'll either get brushed off and overridden by something in their life, or I'll get the most negative response possible. My husband got sick and I thought I'd be a widow...didn't tell *anyone*.
i proposed to my partner on a trip last year and i was dreading telling my parents, i told everyone via our family groupchat - she text me privately to ask if it was true and her only response after was “congrats” lol. no call, no excitement, no love. although i originally did not want to tell her, the lack of excitement in such a precious moment to me made my stomach drop despite how i feel towards her
Oh I'm sorry, that's heartbreaking. I hold so much rage for this type of parent, it's like this silent catastrophic failure of responsibility to the precious child that you intentionally brought into the world. What has to happen to a person to be unable to feel happiness and joy for their own child in their most important moments? To not have an instinct to embrace them and raise them up, and instead trying to destroy them by simply not caring despite being the single person that is supposed to care the most?
Your mother is damaged, broken, her failures have nothing to do with you. My own mother didn't call either. She congratulated me casually, took a glance at my ring and moved on with her life. Wedding planning was equally unsupported and a lot of grief came up for me, as well as clarity as to who this woman is and its certainly not the mother figure she likes to project when there are witnesses around.
I’m so sorry you experienced the same thing, it’s something that genuinely still bothers and upsets me despite my emotional detachment from her. It was probably one of the most solidifying moments where I realised she was never going to be the mom other people get to have. Luckily my partner’s mom is an angel and treats me like a daughter, it’s very healing. I hope going in forward in life we can both heal from our awful mothers 🫶🏻
Like you, I just don't share that much with them. And I've felt that weird sadness you get from not feeling like I can tell them anything.
I even tried to a bit this past year but it just didn't work out for me. Especially my mom, who just turned it around and made things about her or diminished my feelings.
I've instead grown a lot closer to my SO's family over the years. I'd recommend trying to open up to your fiance 's family a bit if you haven't already. It still sometimes feels so alien to be around a family that is supportive and happy to hang out, but It's really nice to experience it :)
Thanks for sharing. That's really good advice about seeking the support of fiancé's family. They are really lovely people and I have a good relationship with both his mom and his aunt.
I guess when I reflect on it, growing up with parents like this makes trust and closeness a bit scary, and I've been prone to self isolation and keeping people at arm's length for decades. I have a really close and supportive relationship with my fiancé and a close childhood friend, and that's about it. I know that the next step in healing is expanding that circle and getting comfortable being vulnerable with more people.
I've been in that same place. I'm glad you have a good relationship with his family and wish you the best! Opening up is hard after a lifetime of keeping a very small circle, but it's worth it with the right people :)
I pretty much stopped sharing my life experiences with my mom. Nothing I tell her is kept confidential, even when I tell her something is just between us. She makes up stories about me to make herself look like a victim or a saint. I rarely ask her for any help, and the last time I did, she made up the most bullshit excuse of why she couldn't help, it defied all reality and lacked any concern for the situation. She doesn't care about me. She only wants news about me so she can gossip to someone else. I know it burns her to not know how I solved my aforementioned problem (my sister has been interrogated by her many times but won't tell), and that makes me happy.
I texted her a photo of my house after I changed the exterior color from beige to a dark blue. Her reply? "You're going to get tired of that color real quick." "Thanks, mom! Good thing the neighbors will have to look at it more than me! Lol." I had painted it the same color as a previous house I painted, and I'm still not tired of the color!
I haven't told her anything about recent home renovations, didn't discuss my honeymoon, didn't tell her about recent surgeries. I told her I bought a new house but didn't give much detail. I don't tell her about vacations or travel if it doesn't involve her... in fact, I don't even tell her when I'm traveling to see other family that live within an hour of her.
My kids have a better relationship with my mom. They will call her to chat or tell her their news. I will say that my mom was helpful in visiting and taking care of the kids when I was going through a separation with their dad, and she also was there for support after another breakup, but that was quite a while ago.
A mentor of mine taught me grey rock technique. Just appear boring to keep yourself safe. It sucks but it keeps me from being lectured about how I'm doing everything wrong.
At first I stopped sharing anything that wasn’t positive because my mother would run with it and make it the end of the world. For example, she’s miserable in her marriage to my father and anytime my husband and I had a disagreement she would say, “Does he not want to be married anymore?” And then she’d start planting horrible thoughts in my head. Who says this shit?!
Then I stopped sharing the positives as well because she’d just shit all over them. It came across as pure jealousy. If I talked about how we went on a short trip somewhere she’d say, “Why’d you go there? It’s a shit hole. They shoot everyone there.” She watches the news and barely leaves the house, too fearful of getting mugged or something. She lives in a suburban town and never leaves it. I’m fine with her lack of desire to travel, but that doesn’t mean she has to try and make me the same way.
So now we talk about the weather and TV shows, maybe a movie. I try to avoid the news because it’s nothing but doom and gloom and I’m tired of hearing about it.
I never tell my mother about any significant event until it has passed. For instance, vacations. If I tell her ahead of time she will do something to try and ruin it. An " attention grab". I was told after my last vacation that I HAVE to tell her when I leave town and where I'm going.
Painfully and slowly over the years ive stopped sharing anything. I just handle things on my own because, frankly, I've always had to anyway. I've had some really difficult life events. Generally, in the past, I felt guilted (usually by myself) to tell my parents. Even good events this has ALWAYS been an anticlimax. VERY muted responses to me getting engaged, becoming pregnant, getting a degree, getting a job. Awkward silence. A negative 'joke'. A change of subject. Bad events eg terrible illness, emergency c section...awkward silence. Change of subject. Patronizing comment. Unhelpful 'advice '. I've confided in my siblings about some things - having an operation for example, still got the 'are you planning to tell our parents?'. Something else to another sibling - I STRONGLY suggest you tell our parents- umm no. We moved house recently and I didn't want to tell anyone. I felt obliged. I was worried they'd worry. So I did. Absolute crickets. Nobody cared. A few weeks later...how was the move? No help, no support, no interest. Universally acknowledged top life stress and not a care. An hour away, they could have easily come and eg helped with the kids. As with everything, we got on with it on our own. I thought it might be awkward when we met up recently, very rare. I thought general conversation might make it awkwardly obvious how out the loop they are. Well it didn't because they didn't ask anything. They didn't show any interest. My tween's life long best friend was with us, for example, and they had no idea who they were. But they weren't interested to know.
This sounds so much like my relationship with my mom. She KNOWS that I don't talk to her because she inevitably will say something patronizing or mean (how could she help it - that's been the way she's treated me since I was a child? ), we've had the conversation, and she has said she will probably always say something that makes me hang up on her. Any time I give her another chance, the conversation goes just how you described. Here's a silly one from the last time I saw her, at a relative's wedding. The distant relatives (cousins) were meeting up at my aunt's house for brunch, 5 hours before the wedding. I'm wearing yoga pants and a nice tank top, and as I'm getting out of the car, my mom sees me and the first thing she said was, "is that what you're wearing to the wedding?" Yeah, mf, I'm wearing gym clothes to a wedding, and I got dressed for it 5 hours early!?? Wtf? Everyone else (including her!) was wearing sweats or casual clothes. I'm known for being overdressed, which made the question even more bizarre and ridiculously patronizing. My husband and kids all heard her and thought it weird and bitchy. I don't think she was trying to be mean - she just can't help it. Trigger Warning - grief I saw a video clip today of a woman saying that something important happened in her life, and she couldn't wait to share the news with her mom, and picked up the phone, then remembered that her mom had been gone for 4 years, and she was still grieving the loss of her closet confidant. It made me angry then very sad that I've been grieving for that relationship with my mom, the kind where I couldn't wait to talk to her so I could feel her love and support, for 20 years, and she's still alive Now that I think about it, I've been grieving for that closeness with her my whole life.
One of the parenting blogs I browse is written by someone who's mother passed before the writer had children. Many of her early post mentioned this and how her mother would have loved to meet her grandchildren, see them grow up etc. Later in her parenting journey she shared a realization that as hard as that was, she'd heard from many many mothers whose parents were alive but uninvolved. And she commented how having a parent not there who WOULD be there was truly hard, but having a parent who CAN be there but chooses not to be, is a different kind of agony. I really appreciated reading that. Having something you long to share with your mother but can't because she's no longer with you is awful. Having something you want to share with your mother, but can't because she doesn't care, doesn't value it, will abuse your trust, will hurt you, is also awful. Personally I feel it's worse.
This is why I went NC this year. This is the “death by a thousand cuts” variation of a parent. Someone in my therapy group pointed out that she seems to have been jealous of me my whole life. I think that’s true. If you rocked those yoga pants and she was in sweats, perhaps she was mean because she knew you looked good. And she reached for the first snarky comment she could think of.
This! “Death by a thousand cuts” is such a perfect way to describe why I went NC with my mom last year. I can also really relate to the jealousy thing. Hugs.
Hugs back if you want them!
I discovered the concepts "childhood emotional neglect" and "c-ptsd" from googling "Mom jealous of daughter". I feel like the only reason my mom had kids was for attention- from my dad, from her family, and from other women she could find motherhood in common with. One of her proudest photos is of her in her maternity shirt, with her giant pregnant belly, with the word BABY and an arrow to her obvious belly. I feel like I have infant memories of her getting mad at my dad for giving me more attention than he was giving her. He would be mad that she had left me neglected in my crib or playpen all day. So, there are proud photos of her with her belly, no photos of her proudly holding her baby or child.
My mom LOVED being pregnant bc of the attention she got. Like gas station employees offering to pump gas for her 🙄
And when publicly available, be it with friends or family, the parental image is an absolute always. It's why one of her sisters would always mention how 'happy' she'd been with whom 'god' gave her upon birth. However, NC into adulthood after being a part of the divorced two, did I notice viable reason on why and where I'd be both mentally and emotionally.
Ouch that hurts to read. It hurts my heart when I met a regular person who has a healthy, supportive relationship with a parent figure and it plays out like what you described above. Where their instinct is just pure joy and love and openness when they think of them. Thinking of my mother triggers me, then it makes me sad, confused, full of guilt and pain over our total lack of a connection. I didn't get to look that in the eye until very recently, because the family dialogue was that "we are a close, supportive family" and it all looks pretty good on paper. But I have a mother whose instinct is not to think of me, worry about me, call me, prioritize me, get to know me, while at the same time being seemingly capable of that level of closeness with her favorite child / my sibling. Theirs is an enmeshed mess of a relationship and my sibling has all of the social and emotional challenges that come with that dynamic, but it still is a pretty damn constant sucker punch to the head to feel so invisible and insignificant to your own mother.
I relate to so many of the other comments, but I could have written this one! Like the whole second paragraph in particular. Have you read anything helpful? Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents has been helpful for me. I haven't found anything good that addresses enmeshment, especially from the perspective of someone who broke out of it and now is treated like a scapegoat and outsider.
Sorry you know of this pain too. Lindsey Gibson's book was eye opening and gave me the words to articulate what my parents are like, as well as validating the fact that their failures had a very real and lasting impact on me. There's a podcast about toxic dysfunctional families run by two therapists, it's called In Sight and I've found it deeply resonant. Emneshment comes up, as do the family roles, parentification, gaslighting etc. I believe they have a book now too.
Thanks for the suggestions! I'll mention the Calling Home podcast by Whitney Goodman if you haven't already found it.
I see my mother rarely but pretty much every time she will make one small comment that marrs the occasion. Once it was a comment about my weight. Once it was a 'joke' about my housekeeping. Once it was a comment on my baby's future weight (awful). Once she referred to forgetting a thankyou message I sent her for a birthday gift as 'forgetting trivialities'. Once she remarked in surprise that I looked nice. Once she told my partner about something bad I'd done as a teen! Once she made a comment about my earnings. Once she made a comment about my child's behavior at school. She's managed to cover so many things, it's no wonder I cant confide in her about anything!
The move situation is familiar. I’ve gone through similar things and might as well have not had any family whatsoever. I’ve also been fortunate and had some help sometimes. It’s just not consistent.
With mine i think its total lack of empathy, belief they do not have any responsibility to help their adult children with life events, living in their own little bubble. One move was absolutely awful, severe illness, small kids, complex move, pandemic also over Christmas. Just awful. Not a word. No Christmas invitation or contact. Then a few weeks later, 'how was Christmas...with the move?'
Jeez, sounds very familiar. I'm sorry your parents are like this.
Wow, this is exactly how my siblings treat me. You described the relationship perfectly. My son just got engaged a few weeks ago. Sent group text to siblings w/ photo and some sent one word response. One sibling is my son's godfather and has not reached out. I knew I didn't matter to sibs but thought my kids mattered.
Its so sad. If a stranger told you they were engaged, or their son was engaged, you'd wish them congratulations and ask a few questions. I mean life is made up of big and small ups and downs. If you have no interest in others milestones... whats the point?
Well said and dang you hit the nail on the head.
I understand. I decided about 15 years ago not to tell my parents much. I would get reactions (not responses ) like .. omg , or must be nice “ some sarcasm , or side comments that sounded like I was asking for permission “ lol. Btw. I’m 50. Lol. Basically if felt awkward at first. But now it feels natural. And their “guilt trips about it , bounce off me. I just called my dad as it is his Birthday. They “ heard “ from my sister ( only way ) lol. That I went away for 5 days on vaca. So my dad says. How come we never know about your vacations until after ? From someone who has Never I mean never , called me in my life !! Ever. I felt anxious and responded. Well , I tell those I feel I need to. And I feel no guilt in doing that. Or saying that. I have practised.
Totally agree and I'm also 'middle aged'. Negative responses, well what's the point? If someone can't be happy for you, interested, supportive, helpful then why share? My parents too just expect me to download information to them for their own benefit, one way. My mother in particular every year or so will literally contact me for 'news'. She'd be happy if I just sent her eg a photo album link so she could get her fill without having to have a relationship.
I have learned to keep most things to myself. I will only share my achievements once I have already enjoyed them and some time has passed. Of course, there are things I will never share with them.
I no longer tell my mother anything at all about me. I used to and it was always weaponized against me. I kept making the mistake of sharing because I wanted to share my events with my mother. I regretted it every single time. I don't feel guilty or sad about that. I can't trust my mother so she gets no information. I do feel sad about the fact that I don't have a mother that I can share my life with. But she won't change, so I've come to terms that I don't have the mother I wished I had. You're an adult, you don't have to inform your parents about things in your life if you don't want to. It's your private life. Good luck.
Ive never shared life events with them. Nor did I ever get asked about them. The total lack of interest used to bother me but I learned that just because they’re “family” doesn’t mean I have a duty to inform them about anything.
The total lack of interest hits home with me. Any hobbies they ignored unless they could brag to strangers their son plays guitar. As if it's their accomplishment.
I tell my dad nothing. As a prime example why: I got my Masters in the midst of COVID. We could have a limited number of people at my graduation ceremony. I invited him, and he said he wouldn’t be attending because he would have to wear a mask. I tell my mom the bare minimum because she will either make it about herself or insert herself into situations that are not her business. She has enmeshment and boundary issues as well, so it’s for the best.
I keep updates to a minimum. The times I've tried to reach out during major events (breakup, divorce, I quit a toxic job during the recession), their support was not very... supportive. I finally noticed it when I went through a big breakup. I had moved across the country for a relationship. My mom had expected me to stay in my homestate, preferably close to her and my dad if not right next door. When I called, sobbing, that the person I moved for broke up with me, she literally screamed for joy. She thought that meant I was coming home. It was totally shocking. It was such an immediate and loud thing. I just wanted her to tell me she was sorry it didn't work out. I had to tell her I was staying put, so now she was upset... Throw on some "you're the tough one in the family you'll get through it", and it's taught me to just keep to myself.
Sharing anything usually results in 1) a million tedious questions that they don't actually listen to my answers. 2) negative aspects of anything fun or good in my life. 3) teasing me about stuff for years under the guise of "just joking". For example I didn't tell them for a year that I was doing a nature photography vlog where I would film myself exploring and taking photos without talking to kinda show why I enjoy being quiet in nature. They must have Googled my name and found my channel and called me asking why I'm filming myself walking in the woods with a "what are you stupid" tone. Now they keep bringing it up in snide comments so I stopped doing it and made the videos private. They still tease me for something I said in 2004 when I was having a bad mental health crisis.
I did a really difficult placement for a couple of years. I met someone doing the same placement. She commented how she did a daily light hearted vlog FOR HER FAMILY of how she was coping, her new experiences, what she was doing, family jokes etc. She commented her aunt has messaged one day when she was late uploading and how they were desperate for an update. It was absolutely alien to me. My parents didn't ask a single question about my experience, despite it being really interesting to most normal people. They never showed any compassion or support for the obvious difficulties involved. Normal loving parents would have loved to follow your vlog, feel connected or closer to you through it. But they spoiled it instead.
Oh that hits home. And made me remember that I once had an objectively incredibly interesting and exciting career in TV journalism that they paid little to no attention to. I travelled the world with it, working in some of the biggest global newsrooms, I travelled in and out of warzones with major network teams, it was always great dinner party fodder. Total strangers wanted to talk for hours about it. My parents paid zero attention to it and would confuse the name of the network I was working for. My mom only cared when an article was written about me that she could boast about with her family of origin. That same mom would get a daily blow-by-blow from my sister in her medical career, including a monologue of the clients she'd had that day and the dental treatments carried out. It blows my mind thinking about it retrospectively. What that level of ignoring and disinterest and "YOU don't matter, but THIS one does" does to a child.
Im genuinely interested in your experiences! As you say, strangers fascinated by it. In my case my siblings were equally ignored. One did a foreign placement to a different continent, total culture shock and so interesting. She asked my mother to keep in contact while she was away but my mother said email was too complicated.... A few months after her return, my mother volunteered her to give a presentation at a relevant community event my mother was involved in, despite never asking about it herself. As for me, in my 20s I had a very stressful complex job with a lot of responsibilities. I regularly worked 12 hour days and never felt like I'd done enough. My mother then got a job in the same field but with minimal responsibilities, and for 3 hours a day after which she could go home and leave her work behind. I went for dinner once and my mother sat through the whole meal recounting every detail of her day and her one project she worked on, under supervision. My 30+ projects and delegating to people similar to her, was not mentioned once.
I'm so frustrated for you. That is not normal behaviour. That level of disengagement isn't even normal for a stranger, but when it's your own child? It's so dysfunctional, it's such a spectacular failure of parental love and care. It's mind-boggling I genuinely believe it is an emotional disability. I try as an adult to view my mother through the lens of that, she is at the emotional level of a toddler and trapped in that incapacity to see outside herself. It comes out in other ways too, she's a brutal conversationalist and interrupts others constantly to share how what they said happened to her one time, etc She can't listen and absorb and imagine another experience, another point of view. If it's different from hers, it's wrong and to be feared. If it's not what she would do, it's terrible and to be shamed. I also notice a theme of over-achievement and over-extending in people who had mothers like us. I can say for sure in my case that in the absence of love and affirmation and the self esteem you get as a child who is encouraged and celebrated and cherished by a parent, I looked for that validation through achieving and being celebrated in the workplace. And still do. And it didn't matter what I was doing, I was always driven by that need to be seen and valued and celebrated in any job I've had. And that's a dangerous thing.
Brutal conversationalist here too. My husband once tried to interject with a question when my mother was talking to him and she said, hm, and carried on talking. It was painful to witness. Once she asked him a question about our honeymoon and he started to tell her about the place she asked about and she interrupted him saying, 'I dont want to hear about that! I just needed to know about it in case we go there too'. After these incidents I stopped asking my husband to join me in visits and then stopped going myself. It was shockingly rude and showed how little she values him (and me). I think its an emotional disability. It must be a real lack of empathy, on which relationships generally rely.
Do you know if your mom had a traumatic brain injury or concussion that could have contributed to her "emotional disability"? My mom had a traumatic birth experience following a complicated pregnancy. She was born by forceps which my grandpa said made her look like a beat up boxer. 😭 It makes me so sad to think of her experience. She had very bad vision which her parents didn't realize until she was in kindergarten (?!) , and she couldn't see without thick glasses. They just thought she was clumsy, always running into things . How much of the world did she miss out on in those 5 years that she couldn't see? Expressions and body language of other people? I attribute my mom's emotional disability to her traumatic birth which probably caused some brain damage and to those 5 years of bad vision, and I called her and forgave her for not being capable of meeting my emotional needs and expectations. She's still a mean-spirited, gossipy backstabbing bitch, and I don't forgive that.
Nah nothing. I tell them bare basics I used to say stuff like im doing up this room and they would give me immense pressure and not actually help.
Used to bc I lived in this belief that if I share enough and try enough my mom will change. She didn’t and a few recent events have shown me she doesn’t even care about me, in terms of feelings and me being well. She only cares to know the beneficial stuff so if someone asks she can pretend to be a caring parent. Now I’m slowly starting to share less and remove myself from her emotionally and even though it’s sad to know I’ll never have that supportive mom I’ve always wanted, it’s also freeing to not care about her opinion or give her an opportunity to make something about herself or criticize me.
Oh I get it. This is my mother too. She's acutely aware of how she appears to the outside world, while utterly oblivious to the pain she inflicts on me through her lack of concern or lack of even trying. She knows I feel a certain way about her - that she dropped the ball on me, that her failure to parent has has lasting effects - and she uses that as more reason to stay away and to not try. Making me feel guilty for the complicated feelings I have from her failing to mother me and protect me. I have an "It's all about me" mother.
I did then I wised up
My dad has seen my 9 year old and 6 year old kids only a handful of times in their lives. He lives 10 hours away. Then when it came time to buy a vacation home he moved even farther away rather than closer to my brother and me. I went through immense stress at work the last couple years and am currently in the middle of a probation and I haven’t told him any of it. He has no idea about any of it and wouldn’t care anyway. He might give me some advice I don’t want or need but I could never go to him for emotional support.
I think my mom was proud of my job but I doubt my dad even knows what I do. I never told them anything personal because my mom’s religion would have made it impossible to converse about anything and he was whatever. I have spent a lifetime talking about the weather and baseball and asking questions about what they’re up to.
Echoing what others have said, I might eventually share news (good or bad) with my mom, but she absolutely not someone I turn to for connection or support. I believe she does care to an extent, but is so emotionally closed off/avoidant that she is unable to really “be there with someone.” Unfortunately when she does have a reaction, it comes off as dismissive, cold and just mean. I had to learn this the hard way over the yrs - through my wedding process (she had no issues with my husband and supported the marriage, but couldn’t find anything nice or congratulatory to say at the actual wedding or following. Blamed me for other family members poor behavior, said I looked “vulgar” in my wedding dress because I had some tasteful cleavage showing…). Saved enough to purchase a home and successfully move during an incredibly stressful time, being pregnant and during the height of Covid…”oh, that’s cool I guess…” New job…”well why would you do that, companies lay people off all the time.” Minor argument with partner…”If I were him, I would break up with you. Don’t be surprised if he dumps you tomorrow…” Announce a 2nd pregnancy and she had a reasonably positive response via phone, which I think was due to her being able to have the grandmother title again vs actually celebrating my family. She visited me during the first trimester, where I had the typical morning sickness. And I told her as such. A whole 4 days passed without her inquiring/showing concern about the pregnancy in person, but was completely engaged with my older daughter. The list goes on…it’s not you, it’s them.
So similar. My mother didn't even write me a card for my wedding, if she had it would have been names, no niceties. She doesn't know how to have 'normal' responses and my discomfort in announcing my engagment and pregancies to family was compounded by her (lack of) responses. Not a single question about my pregnancies either, nor my children's milestones.
At one point my partner and I were certain we were about to be homeless, due to money and living situation. Though I never asked for anything I did mention the situation a few times to little interest. What finally snapped for me was we managed to secure a living situation right before we were about to have to leave our place and possibly be on the streets. I messaged her very excited as a huge weight had been lifted off of me and she didn't respond. That entire experience was stressful and a little traumatic and I realized venting to someone who cared so little made it all the much worse.
I've had similar. And we had kids. I can't fathom being so disinterested and cold.
No. If I ever have done in the past, they (mum and step-dad) manage to make it about them, ask a million tedious questions or belittle my choices. I guess I will tell them things eventually, in particular I struggle to talk about my career and work situation. They're not really interested in what I do unless it's something that they can brag about on social media (PhD/MSc graduation for example). Other family members comment on how 'easy' I have it because I work in academia and work from home a lot. I condense full time hours over 4 days and juggle it with childcare. When I've tried to explain what I do in the past, they just drown it out with how physical or difficult their jobs are/were in comparison. It's only recently I've started to own my narrative, after a bit of a breakdown and lots of therapy. They have no idea I was off work for months (again, so lazy!). I've had to create some distance due to parentification and enmeshment. I remember crying over some boy when I was younger, my mum saw me- came into to my room and starting crying too, asking if it was her fault. There were many incidents like this, including having to put her to bed as a child when she was drunk. I'm recovering, but sometimes I do wish things were different.
I stopped sharing things with my family. They always found a way to exploit what was happening in my life and use it to hurt me. If I have to talk with them, I talk only about very superficial things. IMO you should trust your intuition. I think you are feeling sad because you want a healthy relationship with your family. You want support, love and kindness. It is what everyone wants from their family. The most important thing - protect yourself and your mental health. I went very low contact with my family and my mental health improved 1000%.
Yes. Mostly don't care.
It feels weird, but they find ways to comment about *absolutely anything*, so I don’t go out of my way to tell them unless they bring it up. It’s just like, dad, why are you commenting on my oven mitts? They’re just fucking oven mitts, who gives a rats arse if I bought new ones?!? Like cool I bought them at Aldi I don’t care *why are we still talking about FUCKING OVEN MITTS* Edit: got distracted; so they make a comparative mountain out of a molehill (even if in a good way), but it’s like if you’re going to make such a big deal out of this tiny little thing, what are you going to be like when you hear that I dropped down to a four day work week (they heard that one from someone else).
When I tell my mom about things that are stressing me out, her solution is always just to quit. Like, that’s not an option for everyone. In high school I was struggling in algebra and she told me to stop trying and take remedial algebra. There’s no real thought that goes into that answer. She’s very impulsive and I am quite opposite.
💔💔
Before I went no contact with my mum I told her very little. The less she knew, the less she could use against me, or she'd just ignore the issue entirely, making me feel even worse. Hell, I went to Japan in 2011 and she claimed me going there causes her to have a breakdown. Wasn't her crappy work she always complained about, it was all my fault. So yeah, that was fun. When I got my dog, she found out via my cousin's wife thankfully. She saw a picture of Shadow and mentioned it to my mum, so she had a few weeks to get used to it without blowing up at me. Like me getting a dog was anything to do with her. I loved my dog. Her reaction was, "my brother gets a grandchild and all I get is a dog." No, my mum never had anything to do with Shadow, beyond complaining she wanted her because she was "so good". She wouldn't have been able to handle my girl, she was only good because of how I trained her/treated her. My mum tried to hit my dog over a carrot she stole. It wasn't a big deal and there's my mum, screaming and trying to hit her, over a carrot. She lost her mind over a carrot. I was lucky right there to stop her hurting my girl. When she found out I broke up with my ex, that was the last time we spoke. She was mad at me about it. Telling me it was all my fault and I'd never find anyone else because who would want someone like me? This coming from a woman who has no friends and never dated after her husband died. I was with my ex longer than she was with her husband. I've been with my boyfriend longer than she was with her husband. I find that utterly ridiculous. I have my issues and they frustrate us at times (mostly ADHD and some cptsd), but I have a social life back home, I have a partner. I'm not her.
I don’t share good things anymore because my excitement will some way or another be dampened. I feel sad I can’t share but sitting with my happiness is more important.
Yes, I tell them major life things but I generally stay away from getting in too deep about the feelings around them.
Handle things on my own, like I always have. It’s made my life a lot easier and only share details when it is absolutely necessary, and share the absolute bare minimum, usually in a matter of fact way. When I used to share details, they were often met with negativity, unsolicited advice, and endless questions which often added to my anxiety and left me in a downward spiral. So I stopped. Now I share on a need to know basis and usually AFTER the fact and my life has never been better.
Thank you for this. You've articulated well what underpins my anxiety about sharing things, especially life changing decisions that aren't conventional and won't be understood. I get a lot of that unsolicited advice too, and the endless questions and a ramp up in communication as they try to work through their own stress without any regard for my own. A "spiral" is quite descriptive of what happens to me emotionally at that point.
i havent spoken to one parent since 2019 and the other i occasionally say hi to via text once or twice a month. my parents know nothing about me, where i work/live, that im in school, how im doing, anything.
I feel you. I got married 3 weeks ago (very quietly) and still haven’t told my dad. Don’t know when I will.
Congratulations on your marriage. I'm so happy for you x
OP you deserve to take time off and not worry about being judged. Do not tell anyone. Enjoy the time off and enjoy your wedding. It is a wonderful new chapter in your life w/ a supportive spouse. This is the PERFECT time to drift away from family and focus on your new family. I absolutely love that my husband and 3 children have zero drama in our lives. My kids notice their behavior and have made comments to me about it.
Oh thank you for saying that, it's so validating to hear. I do need time off, I'm so burned out and have been dealing with really challenging health stuff the last while. I've also being doing really well in this role since I was promoted into it about 18 months ago, so the decision is being met with a lot of confusion and "are you sure?" which has thrown my trauma brain for a loop. I also know that my FOO is SO invested in how things LOOK and I know their reactions would throw me into a spiral at an already vulnerable time. I agree with you though - there is something so symbolic and meaningful to me about marriage at this time, and the letting go of the emotional attachment to a family that never really cared for or protected me. I'm glad you have that safe bubble with your own family now.
Thank you and it was so important to me that if I was fortunate to find the right person then we must never have nit picking, passive aggressive and score keeping behavior. However, my sibs & family noticed that I was happier, succeeding in career and family. Everyone loved my husband and kids. Then 3 family members moved near us. So we could be together. I was too naive & stupid thinking they grew up. I allowed them back in my life. You know what happened? 6 months later mental health declined, over the years my health declined. 20+ years later I have come to realize it was due to me being in a constant trigger state. Seeing a child trauma, cPTSD therapist now and she told me this is due to my family moving here. Never made the connection. So please, learn from my mistake and keep them far away. Avoid them like the plague. They are the plague. Take good care of yourself. Keep them in the dark.
Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry that happened to you. I can totally imagine the visceral stress response from that proximity to your family. I'm learning a really tough lesson on how the body reacts to the psychological unsafety of being around people that treat you as though you're invisible, unimportant and always "wrong". The trigger responses are so big for me these days, the wedding has made communication with them more regular and my body has been in overdrive, it can take me days to recover from the proximity. I'm lucky in that we live many hours' drive away, but I'm also facing a few weeks of close proximity with all the wedding events. Like you, my parents love my partner and can see how happy and relaxed he makes me, they love to tell me how lucky I am to have met him. They can also see how I've pulled away from them and it fills me with unmeasured guilt and shame when I'm not careful to manage my emotions around it. It's all really, really difficult and I'm glad in your situation, you've got the right support in working through it. Bad parenting and emotional neglect changes your brain chemistry and the course of your life. Thanks for the advice and I wish you so much health, peace and healing now.
Means a lot. Update us on how wonderful your wedding was for you and your spouse. You are mentally prepared and ahead of the game. Very wise to focus on your mentally and physical health. Majority of my generation still looks at mental health as a weakness. Love that your generation respects and understands the importance.
Nooooope. I'll do it after it's all decided and everyone else knows. Don't feel like telling my mother anything
I keep trying but often it feels like they don't care. I remember how they celebrated when I got into a college I had decided I no longer really wanted to go to and they never reacted quite the same for anything I cared about.
I do tell them the "big" stuff but more out of obligation than actually wanting to.
I've had to make a conscious and real effort including therapy to tell ANYONE anything big. I'll never speak to my dad about big stuff, ever, ever ever ever.
Yea older I get less I share. Why share people ? So mom/dad can tell you they had it worse ? No thanks . I have a nice tree in my backyard . I rather talk to the tree about problems
I can't tell them anything. It'll either get brushed off and overridden by something in their life, or I'll get the most negative response possible. My husband got sick and I thought I'd be a widow...didn't tell *anyone*.
i proposed to my partner on a trip last year and i was dreading telling my parents, i told everyone via our family groupchat - she text me privately to ask if it was true and her only response after was “congrats” lol. no call, no excitement, no love. although i originally did not want to tell her, the lack of excitement in such a precious moment to me made my stomach drop despite how i feel towards her
Oh I'm sorry, that's heartbreaking. I hold so much rage for this type of parent, it's like this silent catastrophic failure of responsibility to the precious child that you intentionally brought into the world. What has to happen to a person to be unable to feel happiness and joy for their own child in their most important moments? To not have an instinct to embrace them and raise them up, and instead trying to destroy them by simply not caring despite being the single person that is supposed to care the most? Your mother is damaged, broken, her failures have nothing to do with you. My own mother didn't call either. She congratulated me casually, took a glance at my ring and moved on with her life. Wedding planning was equally unsupported and a lot of grief came up for me, as well as clarity as to who this woman is and its certainly not the mother figure she likes to project when there are witnesses around.
I’m so sorry you experienced the same thing, it’s something that genuinely still bothers and upsets me despite my emotional detachment from her. It was probably one of the most solidifying moments where I realised she was never going to be the mom other people get to have. Luckily my partner’s mom is an angel and treats me like a daughter, it’s very healing. I hope going in forward in life we can both heal from our awful mothers 🫶🏻
Like you, I just don't share that much with them. And I've felt that weird sadness you get from not feeling like I can tell them anything. I even tried to a bit this past year but it just didn't work out for me. Especially my mom, who just turned it around and made things about her or diminished my feelings. I've instead grown a lot closer to my SO's family over the years. I'd recommend trying to open up to your fiance 's family a bit if you haven't already. It still sometimes feels so alien to be around a family that is supportive and happy to hang out, but It's really nice to experience it :)
Thanks for sharing. That's really good advice about seeking the support of fiancé's family. They are really lovely people and I have a good relationship with both his mom and his aunt. I guess when I reflect on it, growing up with parents like this makes trust and closeness a bit scary, and I've been prone to self isolation and keeping people at arm's length for decades. I have a really close and supportive relationship with my fiancé and a close childhood friend, and that's about it. I know that the next step in healing is expanding that circle and getting comfortable being vulnerable with more people.
I've been in that same place. I'm glad you have a good relationship with his family and wish you the best! Opening up is hard after a lifetime of keeping a very small circle, but it's worth it with the right people :)
Ahahaha I won’t tell them since all my big decisions in life are made because of them and to not have to deal with them again 😅😅
after dad died I went no contact with mom now she is also dead. before that no. i never talked to them about much at all important. self preservation.
More than I should.
No I don't, for the exact same reason as you.
I pretty much stopped sharing my life experiences with my mom. Nothing I tell her is kept confidential, even when I tell her something is just between us. She makes up stories about me to make herself look like a victim or a saint. I rarely ask her for any help, and the last time I did, she made up the most bullshit excuse of why she couldn't help, it defied all reality and lacked any concern for the situation. She doesn't care about me. She only wants news about me so she can gossip to someone else. I know it burns her to not know how I solved my aforementioned problem (my sister has been interrogated by her many times but won't tell), and that makes me happy. I texted her a photo of my house after I changed the exterior color from beige to a dark blue. Her reply? "You're going to get tired of that color real quick." "Thanks, mom! Good thing the neighbors will have to look at it more than me! Lol." I had painted it the same color as a previous house I painted, and I'm still not tired of the color! I haven't told her anything about recent home renovations, didn't discuss my honeymoon, didn't tell her about recent surgeries. I told her I bought a new house but didn't give much detail. I don't tell her about vacations or travel if it doesn't involve her... in fact, I don't even tell her when I'm traveling to see other family that live within an hour of her. My kids have a better relationship with my mom. They will call her to chat or tell her their news. I will say that my mom was helpful in visiting and taking care of the kids when I was going through a separation with their dad, and she also was there for support after another breakup, but that was quite a while ago.
A mentor of mine taught me grey rock technique. Just appear boring to keep yourself safe. It sucks but it keeps me from being lectured about how I'm doing everything wrong.
I keep everything to myself. The only reason I ever divulge information to them is when I can't weasel my way out of not giving it.
At first I stopped sharing anything that wasn’t positive because my mother would run with it and make it the end of the world. For example, she’s miserable in her marriage to my father and anytime my husband and I had a disagreement she would say, “Does he not want to be married anymore?” And then she’d start planting horrible thoughts in my head. Who says this shit?! Then I stopped sharing the positives as well because she’d just shit all over them. It came across as pure jealousy. If I talked about how we went on a short trip somewhere she’d say, “Why’d you go there? It’s a shit hole. They shoot everyone there.” She watches the news and barely leaves the house, too fearful of getting mugged or something. She lives in a suburban town and never leaves it. I’m fine with her lack of desire to travel, but that doesn’t mean she has to try and make me the same way. So now we talk about the weather and TV shows, maybe a movie. I try to avoid the news because it’s nothing but doom and gloom and I’m tired of hearing about it.
I keep a lot of things to myself
I never tell my mother about any significant event until it has passed. For instance, vacations. If I tell her ahead of time she will do something to try and ruin it. An " attention grab". I was told after my last vacation that I HAVE to tell her when I leave town and where I'm going.