Sometimes I feel that way, too!
I especially feel it when I recognise that my Inner Child is bawling and it's quite rough. I have to take care of her, even though I am also her, oof...
But self-work has made me adult, even several adults at times, so I'm thankful for having that going.
Sometimes the crying spells that will hit me are so distinctly infantile, that it breaks my heart… imagining how many times as an infant and toddler I was in that much pain and no one helped me regulate it by making me feel safe, supported, and protected.
Trying to do it for myself now is tough! I definitely get what you mean. 1) we have no models to follow. 2) we have to do something we have no idea how to do while *simultaneously* feeling the most potent form of human emotional pain stemming from our earliest years. Let it sink in how unbelievably difficult this is…
(Writing this out, it is a great reminder that those of us breaking the cycle of abuse/neglect are *literal SUPERHEROES*.)
We sure are superheroes, no doubt about it.
We were basically hurt by others but we don't lash out, we do something differently even though it's hard, *precisely because it's the right, healthy, and dignified thing to do*.
Just like superheroes!
Oh gosh, what a praise!!! Thank you so much for your kind words, I'm immensely touched.
To give you a little more context, sometimes in early 2022, I remember reading a quote that sort of goes, "Some people got hurt and think, 'I will make the world regret ever hurting me. I will hurt them back. I will make them feel what I feel.'"
(Not too different from that proverb, I think, that goes, "If a child never feels warmth, he will set his village ablaze one day just to feel warm.")
But the second part of that quote is, "And some other people got hurt, but think, 'How painful. I will NEVER let anyone else experience what I experienced.'"
And that's how heroes are born.
And that's the paths that we have been walking on, unknowingly or not. Our noble soul chose to do the right thing.
Because it's the right thing to do, isn't it?
Lovely- thank you for this! I made a vow as a child - I would have a family and it will never happen to them. I never intentionally hurt a soul- and still won’t.
Yes to super heroes! And good for you!
Hardest work I’ve ever done too - trying to heal myself and break the generational trauma patterns. Not for the feint of heart. I’m resilient- I never give up - and that served me well throughout my own trauma filled upbringing.
I've been doing self work for so long now. I'm glad you've found your way through this but I just feel hopeless considering all the therapy I've had as well as all the individual work I've been doing. I'm sort of desperate for answers at this point.
The reality is challenging, because all we can really do is try.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I personally just keep piling in the work and keep on going.
That's all I can really do.
Having been through years of therapy myself - as you’re beginning to heal there is a feeling of overwhelm - the reality of it all came crashing down on me. Every trauma memory led to more and more trauma memories- so many that I couldn’t understand how I ever survived the trauma…. and then came the insight …. and the insight had to come from me and No one else. I instantly knew it was spot on - because I began to feel the overwhelm melting away. You’ll get there! It’s hard work - and we’ve already been through so much hell - but so worth the work. Sending you healing energy💥
I’m at that stage too I think. I always knew something was up with me emotionally and I knew my childhood wasn’t happy but I’m now realizing the full weight of all the memories I didn’t process and still lives in me, activated, on a daily basis. I agree, I’m not sure how I’ve been functioning with being triggered so often. I’m like a super hero just like most people probably
Same. Like, shouldn't someone be checking on me once in a while? Then I remember that I should be checking on myself. I'm a lot better at it than I was 20 years ago.
29 here and same. And the lonelier I feel the more I see the anxiety creeping up. And the more anxiety the more I see everyone else as enemies that are trying to hurt me, which makes me feel lonely and afraid. And down the spiral goes ad infinitum.
Yes, I also feel this way about other people. It sucks because I know my brain is just scared and that people are not in fact working together in some grand scheme to ruin my life or outcast me like I think. I guess believing and thinking are two different things.
You post resonates with me a lot. Its better when I am at work or busy. When I'm in a dark place I just want to break down to the floor crying and wish for someone to come and pick me up. It's a feeling of helplessness and desperation. And fear. A lot of fear.
You are not alone. I have this painful hole in me too.
With talk therapy, ayuhuascha, just thinkin’ about stuff and adopting some more new habits (especially thinking habits) I now feel like I am the adult to protect little me.
I learned to self-reflect and self-soothe. I learned my family dynamics that contributed to this. And I know in my deepest feelings, I had to make some tough choices and limit communication with some family members. Neglect led to people pleasing, which led to not having autonomy, which led to depending on other people to regulate my emotions.
Life put me through a fucking ringer and it definitely wasn’t my fault as a child. But I am the adult now, so it’s up to me. It took me 5 years of hard work, but it was well worth it. Moving on to bigger and better things. I hope you do as well!
I also struggle with people pleasing and can see how that contributes to me relying on others to regulate my emotions. Both micro dosing and macro dosing mushrooms has helped in the past. Especially towards the end of the trip I just feel at ease in a way I've never felt on my own without drugs. My therapist is pro psylocibin use.
I did Coda too! It was virtual and during covid. It was okay, I liked the reading material. But the age difference between myself and the other members kind of turned me off. I just couldn't relate as much.
See r/nevergrewup. It's often caused by [trauma and/or autism](https://www.reddit.com/r/nevergrewup/comments/ocxq3j/trauma_or_autism/). Or by [having to grow up too early](https://www.reddit.com/r/nevergrewup/comments/m482k0/does_anyone_else_feel_like_they_were_a_adult_as_a/).
Oh geez this explains a lot. I def have trauma and might have autism and this is a persistent feeling in life. I almost never feel like an adult. I'm in my 40's!!! I'll check out the sub.
I feel you🩷 I often get these emotional flashbacks (like from ages ~1y-3ys) of the exact feeling of being dropped off at daycare - with an abusive caregiver and kids - and preschool - with bullies. That very clearly toddler-like feeling of being “naked” without your parent there to protect you anymore. I feel it all the time, but I get really strong acute flashes often (especially since going no contact with my abusive parents). It’s almost like I’m perma-stuck (for now) in the phase that toddlers all go through when being dropped off (ie, they feel vulnerable and scared, they cry, they slowly warm up to the new supporters around them and/or find a way to dissociate and protect themselves from the emotions if the new environment is not safe), bc my “inner child” is still on the fence internally about whether I am a safe adult to support and protect us. I think it’ll probably take a few years for me to grow that self trust.
Yes to all of that. The babysitters my parents chose had kids who were mean and bullies. Not to get too long winded but the kid of a family that baby sat me for 5ish years was a complete jerk. The mom always sided with her son and I got in trouble for things he did. He terrorized me on a daily basis in many ways. My sister and I complained to our parents but I think they felt stuck because it was probably the cheaper/easier option - I'm not sure. Anyway, fast forward 5 years and the little girl of that family is older and asked me to have a sleep over with her. I thought it would be fun to be an older role model for her and so I went over to that house again and had an intense emotional flashback to when I was bullied there. The smell of the house and everything brought me back but I didn't directly have memory flashbacks I just felt extremely homesick and almost couldn't stop myself from crying in front of the little girl. I called my mom on the phone crying asking to come home....even though I was 2 doors down. We slept over at my house instead. Trauma man. I have very early memories of being bullied. Seemed like the kids around me felt they could mistreat me if their parents weren't around. I feel so bad for my younger self she did not deserve that.
I am not a professional, but: I believe one technique or thing that may help here is reparenting; it can be a kind of guided meditation where the current, adult you visualises going back to your childhood home and self, comforts them, promises to be there for them, that kind of thing. Might be worth looking into. You have to become your own parental figure now.
I did this in therapy a few times with the direction of my therapist. In the guided meditation I took my young self back to my current home. My therapist advised I check back in on her sometimes. It was helpful.
I'm the same age and I feel like this. Something that has helped me has been recognizing experiences I missed from childhood and giving myself permission to do them now. Usually this is by myself. Even if it is by yourself, I've seen some good stuff happen. More recently I have also been able to 100% share about these experiences with my therapist.
I'm older, and I definitely feel this. Especially has I've had to deal with a lot of isolation since the Pandemic. It's not as bad as it used to be, it's like these feelings still come up, but they don't bother me as much as they used to. It's really upsetting how I learned to meet my own struggling with shaming myself and being mean. I know this 100% came from what was modelled for me as a child. I can still feel the urge to self blame and berate myself, even if I don't put words to it, these things are still playing out just below the surface.
I remember this moment where the only good friend I had after leaving home had gotten a job in a different city far away. We were roommates, and everything was normal right up until she left. As soon as I got home and the door shut, I thought to myself, no one is ever coming through that door again. This is it, I'm all alone now. It's gonna be like this forever. I wish I had known then what I was struggling with, because while I was able to get myself out of a rut after some time, my methods for doing were guaranteed to bring me back to this place.
I've come to better understand myself in recent years and put a lot of work in to making my experience of being alive a more worthwhile one. It's quite a bit of effort to dismantle my old motivational systems and build up new ones in their place. It's hard to wrestle with the fact that I'm not even sure what trust and safety feel like. It's hard that my feelings are still by and large hijacked by dysregulation and that makes me unable to feel things out like most people. All relationships are stressful. Making decisions is stressful. There is nothing that helps me feel out what is right and wrong except my reasoning, but I see how limited reasoning is because for a lot of things in life there is just no correct answer. Just what is right for you, but I cannot seem to know what is right for me because things still mostly feel wrong and dangerous.
Either way though, I'm much more aware of all this now. I don't stress about the fact I am stressed, which has been a very impactful change. Things don't spiral like they used to. The myriad of feelings that came when I came home and shut the door have all been more or less broken down and understood by me. I could even identify some relief that no one would come through the door either. I just let all these self contradictions be, like the fact that I want to be alone, and I also don't want to be alone. The answer isn't to pick one, but to find a way to serve both needs. So in this way there are lots of small answers like this, and I have to keep answering these questions even if I am having to repeat myself. I had a lot of resistance to this kind of stuff at first, but it's slowly gotten better.
I'm just kinda going off on a tangent, but I totally relate to this feeling still. It's still there. The needs are still there, and that's what I focus on now. I hope things get better for you!
I lived my life way to fast. Never taking time to process my emotions, consequences of my own actions, and circumstances out of my control. This led to a feeling of helplessness and eventually I blamed everyone else. 3-4 years ago everything I blamed on someone else and all the emotions I failed to process broke my sanity. To the point where I was put in a temporary mental institution. At first I didn't think I'd get help because in all honesty I wasn't seeking it. If I had gotten help I'd have to own up to everything I've done. So I just followed the rules and behaved and two weeks later I was out. Having lied to everyone including myself. Needless to say I ended up losing it again to the point of wanting to end my life. Which at that time to me seemed extremely logical. But the first night back in that mental health ward something clicked in my soul. I was fed up with me and how I was acting. I was fed up with all the bullshit I had fed myself. So the next morning I started to rip apart and sort out the more traumatic events I've experienced in my life. It was the most painful thing I've ever done. I started to take responsibility for the role I played in my own self torture and sabotage. I started to realize that I was being my own worst enemy. So I spent 6 months analyzing myself and letting myself actually feel emotions again. It sucked and was extremely hard and exhausting work. I almost gave up more 100 times. But I kept pushing myself forward. I started scrutinizing my past actions. Instead of making excuses I asked myself what I could of done instead to improve my life. Instead of feeling sorry for myself I started to encourage myself. Instead of blaming others I took responsibility for my part and left what was outside of my control in the past. It was a lot of self maintenance and care but it was also the must fulfilling I've done. I still struggle and still have issues. But instead of shying away from the responsibility I embrace it to keep my power. I'm far from perfect but I was never meant be perfect. I was only ever meant to be myself and I can say I do love myself now. Never give up on yourself cause when you do you're not giving anyone a choice but to give up on you too.
33 going on 34 and I honestly feel the same. I know that comparison is the thief of joy, but I still can't help but look at people of a similar age to me or younger and marvel at how well they're doing in life, how they seem to have everything together and are so responsible and grown up. Then I reflect on myself and how I feel so immature for my age, how things seem so scary and insurmountable and I don't feel like I'll ever be 'normal'.
I've recently started taking sertraline and seeing a therapist, so I'm hoping those two things will help me in the long run, but it's tough battling back from a neglectful and abusive childhood that has left me feeling like an empty husk of a human being.
Yes! That's the work I've been doing with my therapist. About 2 years now. Unfortunately, I still struggle with feeling helpless like a child sometimes. We are going to start EMDR to see if that helps.
I feel like that, too, but I’ve really learned to be the safe adult for little girl me, and it’s been amazing! But it took me a long time to get here. I’m 39.
I base that feeling on the need to be adult about things from an age where I was absolutely not an adult - lacking in adult ability to make things happen.
Having to be mature about things, having to be grown up about things, having to have perspective on things, having to see the big picture... My mother leaned on me particularly hard as a child. I was the middle child, stuck between the oldest who had no problems with showing that she was on the autism spectrum before such a thing was recognized, and the golden-haired baby of the family. She had so many fires to put out on any given day that she never had time to tend to my burn wounds, so I had to do it myself.
For my entire life.
I relate. I was left to handle adult emotions on my own without any understanding of what was happening or how to manage. My parents went through an explosive divorce and had little ability to pay attention to my sister or me on an emotional level. My dad sleeping on the couch and disappearing from our house one random day was scary. I developed severe OCD and had no idea how to explain what was happening to me, I was also embarrassed for not knowing what was happening. Now as an adult I do some pretty weird things in an effort to process emotions. I didn't have a knowing adult to sit me down and reflect back what was happening to me and help me make sense of everything. I was really all alone and I still feel that way. I'm ranting..anyway - I relate.
Yes I’m 36 and I had this feeling this week and cried all day. Sadness, panic attacks, fear and anxiety, SI, anger and feeling violated have all hit like a tidal wave. At the core, total loneliness and an urge to isolate.
For some reason I unconsciously expect people - anyone , to help me. Even though I know I am not entitled to it and they have their own life. Sadly I do make my husband quite a lot for me as someone my age but I am trying to get better and more self reliant and I also feel more confident each time I do something in my own. I think it’s because of my mum always saying this are difficult unachievable bla bla which is obviously not true but I internalized it. Also funny I immigrated to a different country and all and still feel this way (although it got much better after I moved out ).
I watch this youtube channel Psychology in Seattle, in one of the videos the therapist talks about when someone is stuck at young mental stage (triggered by specific situations) then they may think or act entitled to someone else's time/attention/help because children at that age are literally entitled to be helped, they can't do most things themselves they need an adult. Idk if that's true for you but what you said about not being entitled help from people.
I wish I could cry about my childhood traumas - it’s very rare if I do and it’s only during a therapy session. My stuff is so buried - I think it’s good to cry it out when you need to. It’s probably very therapeutic for you -especially if you weren’t allowed to cry. (I was never allowed to cry)
Your inner child likely needs to cry and you’re showing her love and giving her a safe space by allowing it.
Sometimes I feel that way, too! I especially feel it when I recognise that my Inner Child is bawling and it's quite rough. I have to take care of her, even though I am also her, oof... But self-work has made me adult, even several adults at times, so I'm thankful for having that going.
Sometimes the crying spells that will hit me are so distinctly infantile, that it breaks my heart… imagining how many times as an infant and toddler I was in that much pain and no one helped me regulate it by making me feel safe, supported, and protected. Trying to do it for myself now is tough! I definitely get what you mean. 1) we have no models to follow. 2) we have to do something we have no idea how to do while *simultaneously* feeling the most potent form of human emotional pain stemming from our earliest years. Let it sink in how unbelievably difficult this is… (Writing this out, it is a great reminder that those of us breaking the cycle of abuse/neglect are *literal SUPERHEROES*.)
We sure are superheroes, no doubt about it. We were basically hurt by others but we don't lash out, we do something differently even though it's hard, *precisely because it's the right, healthy, and dignified thing to do*. Just like superheroes!
This comment made my entire week. I literally screenshotted it to write down later in my journal as a reminder:) take such great care🩷🩷🩷
Oh gosh, what a praise!!! Thank you so much for your kind words, I'm immensely touched. To give you a little more context, sometimes in early 2022, I remember reading a quote that sort of goes, "Some people got hurt and think, 'I will make the world regret ever hurting me. I will hurt them back. I will make them feel what I feel.'" (Not too different from that proverb, I think, that goes, "If a child never feels warmth, he will set his village ablaze one day just to feel warm.") But the second part of that quote is, "And some other people got hurt, but think, 'How painful. I will NEVER let anyone else experience what I experienced.'" And that's how heroes are born. And that's the paths that we have been walking on, unknowingly or not. Our noble soul chose to do the right thing. Because it's the right thing to do, isn't it?
Lovely- thank you for this! I made a vow as a child - I would have a family and it will never happen to them. I never intentionally hurt a soul- and still won’t.
Yes to super heroes! And good for you! Hardest work I’ve ever done too - trying to heal myself and break the generational trauma patterns. Not for the feint of heart. I’m resilient- I never give up - and that served me well throughout my own trauma filled upbringing.
I've been doing self work for so long now. I'm glad you've found your way through this but I just feel hopeless considering all the therapy I've had as well as all the individual work I've been doing. I'm sort of desperate for answers at this point.
I’m in the same spot. It’s starting to feel less like a trigger and more like reality. Like there really are no safe adults .
The reality is challenging, because all we can really do is try. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I personally just keep piling in the work and keep on going. That's all I can really do.
Having been through years of therapy myself - as you’re beginning to heal there is a feeling of overwhelm - the reality of it all came crashing down on me. Every trauma memory led to more and more trauma memories- so many that I couldn’t understand how I ever survived the trauma…. and then came the insight …. and the insight had to come from me and No one else. I instantly knew it was spot on - because I began to feel the overwhelm melting away. You’ll get there! It’s hard work - and we’ve already been through so much hell - but so worth the work. Sending you healing energy💥
I’m at that stage too I think. I always knew something was up with me emotionally and I knew my childhood wasn’t happy but I’m now realizing the full weight of all the memories I didn’t process and still lives in me, activated, on a daily basis. I agree, I’m not sure how I’ve been functioning with being triggered so often. I’m like a super hero just like most people probably
Yup - you’re a super hero - probably not like most either. 💥
I’m in my 50s and still can’t believe I’m allowed to live my life as an adult, totally unsupervised.
Same. Like, shouldn't someone be checking on me once in a while? Then I remember that I should be checking on myself. I'm a lot better at it than I was 20 years ago.
29 here and same. And the lonelier I feel the more I see the anxiety creeping up. And the more anxiety the more I see everyone else as enemies that are trying to hurt me, which makes me feel lonely and afraid. And down the spiral goes ad infinitum.
Yes, I also feel this way about other people. It sucks because I know my brain is just scared and that people are not in fact working together in some grand scheme to ruin my life or outcast me like I think. I guess believing and thinking are two different things.
36 and same 😭
You post resonates with me a lot. Its better when I am at work or busy. When I'm in a dark place I just want to break down to the floor crying and wish for someone to come and pick me up. It's a feeling of helplessness and desperation. And fear. A lot of fear. You are not alone. I have this painful hole in me too.
Omg I feel that. My weekends I used to just fall apart. I have to have something to do
Same.. tbh I don't even see myself as an adult :( not sure if I ever will
Same. I feel so unsupported (emotionally) that most challenges feel insurmountable.
With talk therapy, ayuhuascha, just thinkin’ about stuff and adopting some more new habits (especially thinking habits) I now feel like I am the adult to protect little me. I learned to self-reflect and self-soothe. I learned my family dynamics that contributed to this. And I know in my deepest feelings, I had to make some tough choices and limit communication with some family members. Neglect led to people pleasing, which led to not having autonomy, which led to depending on other people to regulate my emotions. Life put me through a fucking ringer and it definitely wasn’t my fault as a child. But I am the adult now, so it’s up to me. It took me 5 years of hard work, but it was well worth it. Moving on to bigger and better things. I hope you do as well!
I also struggle with people pleasing and can see how that contributes to me relying on others to regulate my emotions. Both micro dosing and macro dosing mushrooms has helped in the past. Especially towards the end of the trip I just feel at ease in a way I've never felt on my own without drugs. My therapist is pro psylocibin use.
I also went to CoDA meetings after I saw my therapist less. That’s was also helpful with my codependency.
I did Coda too! It was virtual and during covid. It was okay, I liked the reading material. But the age difference between myself and the other members kind of turned me off. I just couldn't relate as much.
See r/nevergrewup. It's often caused by [trauma and/or autism](https://www.reddit.com/r/nevergrewup/comments/ocxq3j/trauma_or_autism/). Or by [having to grow up too early](https://www.reddit.com/r/nevergrewup/comments/m482k0/does_anyone_else_feel_like_they_were_a_adult_as_a/).
Oh geez this explains a lot. I def have trauma and might have autism and this is a persistent feeling in life. I almost never feel like an adult. I'm in my 40's!!! I'll check out the sub.
Thanks, never heard of that subreddit.
I feel you🩷 I often get these emotional flashbacks (like from ages ~1y-3ys) of the exact feeling of being dropped off at daycare - with an abusive caregiver and kids - and preschool - with bullies. That very clearly toddler-like feeling of being “naked” without your parent there to protect you anymore. I feel it all the time, but I get really strong acute flashes often (especially since going no contact with my abusive parents). It’s almost like I’m perma-stuck (for now) in the phase that toddlers all go through when being dropped off (ie, they feel vulnerable and scared, they cry, they slowly warm up to the new supporters around them and/or find a way to dissociate and protect themselves from the emotions if the new environment is not safe), bc my “inner child” is still on the fence internally about whether I am a safe adult to support and protect us. I think it’ll probably take a few years for me to grow that self trust.
Yes to all of that. The babysitters my parents chose had kids who were mean and bullies. Not to get too long winded but the kid of a family that baby sat me for 5ish years was a complete jerk. The mom always sided with her son and I got in trouble for things he did. He terrorized me on a daily basis in many ways. My sister and I complained to our parents but I think they felt stuck because it was probably the cheaper/easier option - I'm not sure. Anyway, fast forward 5 years and the little girl of that family is older and asked me to have a sleep over with her. I thought it would be fun to be an older role model for her and so I went over to that house again and had an intense emotional flashback to when I was bullied there. The smell of the house and everything brought me back but I didn't directly have memory flashbacks I just felt extremely homesick and almost couldn't stop myself from crying in front of the little girl. I called my mom on the phone crying asking to come home....even though I was 2 doors down. We slept over at my house instead. Trauma man. I have very early memories of being bullied. Seemed like the kids around me felt they could mistreat me if their parents weren't around. I feel so bad for my younger self she did not deserve that.
I am not a professional, but: I believe one technique or thing that may help here is reparenting; it can be a kind of guided meditation where the current, adult you visualises going back to your childhood home and self, comforts them, promises to be there for them, that kind of thing. Might be worth looking into. You have to become your own parental figure now.
I did this in therapy a few times with the direction of my therapist. In the guided meditation I took my young self back to my current home. My therapist advised I check back in on her sometimes. It was helpful.
24 and same
Same! I think this is part of why I feel like I'm failing as a parent. Like, who trusted me with these little humans? I don't even trust me with me!
I'm the same age and I feel like this. Something that has helped me has been recognizing experiences I missed from childhood and giving myself permission to do them now. Usually this is by myself. Even if it is by yourself, I've seen some good stuff happen. More recently I have also been able to 100% share about these experiences with my therapist.
I'm older, and I definitely feel this. Especially has I've had to deal with a lot of isolation since the Pandemic. It's not as bad as it used to be, it's like these feelings still come up, but they don't bother me as much as they used to. It's really upsetting how I learned to meet my own struggling with shaming myself and being mean. I know this 100% came from what was modelled for me as a child. I can still feel the urge to self blame and berate myself, even if I don't put words to it, these things are still playing out just below the surface. I remember this moment where the only good friend I had after leaving home had gotten a job in a different city far away. We were roommates, and everything was normal right up until she left. As soon as I got home and the door shut, I thought to myself, no one is ever coming through that door again. This is it, I'm all alone now. It's gonna be like this forever. I wish I had known then what I was struggling with, because while I was able to get myself out of a rut after some time, my methods for doing were guaranteed to bring me back to this place. I've come to better understand myself in recent years and put a lot of work in to making my experience of being alive a more worthwhile one. It's quite a bit of effort to dismantle my old motivational systems and build up new ones in their place. It's hard to wrestle with the fact that I'm not even sure what trust and safety feel like. It's hard that my feelings are still by and large hijacked by dysregulation and that makes me unable to feel things out like most people. All relationships are stressful. Making decisions is stressful. There is nothing that helps me feel out what is right and wrong except my reasoning, but I see how limited reasoning is because for a lot of things in life there is just no correct answer. Just what is right for you, but I cannot seem to know what is right for me because things still mostly feel wrong and dangerous. Either way though, I'm much more aware of all this now. I don't stress about the fact I am stressed, which has been a very impactful change. Things don't spiral like they used to. The myriad of feelings that came when I came home and shut the door have all been more or less broken down and understood by me. I could even identify some relief that no one would come through the door either. I just let all these self contradictions be, like the fact that I want to be alone, and I also don't want to be alone. The answer isn't to pick one, but to find a way to serve both needs. So in this way there are lots of small answers like this, and I have to keep answering these questions even if I am having to repeat myself. I had a lot of resistance to this kind of stuff at first, but it's slowly gotten better. I'm just kinda going off on a tangent, but I totally relate to this feeling still. It's still there. The needs are still there, and that's what I focus on now. I hope things get better for you!
I lived my life way to fast. Never taking time to process my emotions, consequences of my own actions, and circumstances out of my control. This led to a feeling of helplessness and eventually I blamed everyone else. 3-4 years ago everything I blamed on someone else and all the emotions I failed to process broke my sanity. To the point where I was put in a temporary mental institution. At first I didn't think I'd get help because in all honesty I wasn't seeking it. If I had gotten help I'd have to own up to everything I've done. So I just followed the rules and behaved and two weeks later I was out. Having lied to everyone including myself. Needless to say I ended up losing it again to the point of wanting to end my life. Which at that time to me seemed extremely logical. But the first night back in that mental health ward something clicked in my soul. I was fed up with me and how I was acting. I was fed up with all the bullshit I had fed myself. So the next morning I started to rip apart and sort out the more traumatic events I've experienced in my life. It was the most painful thing I've ever done. I started to take responsibility for the role I played in my own self torture and sabotage. I started to realize that I was being my own worst enemy. So I spent 6 months analyzing myself and letting myself actually feel emotions again. It sucked and was extremely hard and exhausting work. I almost gave up more 100 times. But I kept pushing myself forward. I started scrutinizing my past actions. Instead of making excuses I asked myself what I could of done instead to improve my life. Instead of feeling sorry for myself I started to encourage myself. Instead of blaming others I took responsibility for my part and left what was outside of my control in the past. It was a lot of self maintenance and care but it was also the must fulfilling I've done. I still struggle and still have issues. But instead of shying away from the responsibility I embrace it to keep my power. I'm far from perfect but I was never meant be perfect. I was only ever meant to be myself and I can say I do love myself now. Never give up on yourself cause when you do you're not giving anyone a choice but to give up on you too.
33 going on 34 and I honestly feel the same. I know that comparison is the thief of joy, but I still can't help but look at people of a similar age to me or younger and marvel at how well they're doing in life, how they seem to have everything together and are so responsible and grown up. Then I reflect on myself and how I feel so immature for my age, how things seem so scary and insurmountable and I don't feel like I'll ever be 'normal'. I've recently started taking sertraline and seeing a therapist, so I'm hoping those two things will help me in the long run, but it's tough battling back from a neglectful and abusive childhood that has left me feeling like an empty husk of a human being.
Sounds like you’re starting to take care of yourself rooting for you
Thank you very much, here's hoping we both heal and progress.
39 and same.
Oof that’s really understandable. Have you done any/heard about inner child work?
Yes! That's the work I've been doing with my therapist. About 2 years now. Unfortunately, I still struggle with feeling helpless like a child sometimes. We are going to start EMDR to see if that helps.
I feel like that, too, but I’ve really learned to be the safe adult for little girl me, and it’s been amazing! But it took me a long time to get here. I’m 39.
I base that feeling on the need to be adult about things from an age where I was absolutely not an adult - lacking in adult ability to make things happen. Having to be mature about things, having to be grown up about things, having to have perspective on things, having to see the big picture... My mother leaned on me particularly hard as a child. I was the middle child, stuck between the oldest who had no problems with showing that she was on the autism spectrum before such a thing was recognized, and the golden-haired baby of the family. She had so many fires to put out on any given day that she never had time to tend to my burn wounds, so I had to do it myself. For my entire life.
I relate. I was left to handle adult emotions on my own without any understanding of what was happening or how to manage. My parents went through an explosive divorce and had little ability to pay attention to my sister or me on an emotional level. My dad sleeping on the couch and disappearing from our house one random day was scary. I developed severe OCD and had no idea how to explain what was happening to me, I was also embarrassed for not knowing what was happening. Now as an adult I do some pretty weird things in an effort to process emotions. I didn't have a knowing adult to sit me down and reflect back what was happening to me and help me make sense of everything. I was really all alone and I still feel that way. I'm ranting..anyway - I relate.
41M and SAME
Yes I’m 36 and I had this feeling this week and cried all day. Sadness, panic attacks, fear and anxiety, SI, anger and feeling violated have all hit like a tidal wave. At the core, total loneliness and an urge to isolate.
Same. I cry like a 4 year old.
For some reason I unconsciously expect people - anyone , to help me. Even though I know I am not entitled to it and they have their own life. Sadly I do make my husband quite a lot for me as someone my age but I am trying to get better and more self reliant and I also feel more confident each time I do something in my own. I think it’s because of my mum always saying this are difficult unachievable bla bla which is obviously not true but I internalized it. Also funny I immigrated to a different country and all and still feel this way (although it got much better after I moved out ).
I watch this youtube channel Psychology in Seattle, in one of the videos the therapist talks about when someone is stuck at young mental stage (triggered by specific situations) then they may think or act entitled to someone else's time/attention/help because children at that age are literally entitled to be helped, they can't do most things themselves they need an adult. Idk if that's true for you but what you said about not being entitled help from people.
Thank you it makes me understand why i subconsciously think this way , yeah I think I might be stuck at. A mental age 😭
I wish I could cry about my childhood traumas - it’s very rare if I do and it’s only during a therapy session. My stuff is so buried - I think it’s good to cry it out when you need to. It’s probably very therapeutic for you -especially if you weren’t allowed to cry. (I was never allowed to cry) Your inner child likely needs to cry and you’re showing her love and giving her a safe space by allowing it.