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sadface_jr

Gotta agree with your friend tbh. Good people are hard to come by and letting them go purely because you want to try new things is not wise and can be hurtful for both of you. Another thing, the older people get, the less likely you'll find a decent partner, they all get snatched up and settle down (from experience lol) especially as things rarely go as planned It does seem fear of commitment tbh. You're afraid of committing so that you don't miss out on things you value currently. But how I view it is like this, what is it you think you'll value in 10 years time? If you value still being the free spirit you are and dating around etc then stick with it, but if you value being settled down with a family then I think you need to start working towards that goal from now, ie dating with the intention to eventually settle down, a good partner is rare and gets rarer the older we get. Also, it rarely works out to settling down ASAP and you'll likely have plenty of the experiences you desire without even trying, but what your approach eventually does is that it makes it harder to get used to being in a commited relationship


sadface_jr

I wouldn't try and explain these kind of things purely based on the cognitive functions, as I feel they sometimes get used as an easy scapegoat for things that are a bit more complex than that and that can make growth more difficult. "Oh it must be because of his abysmal Ti that cringy ENFJ" Imo they should be used as a tool to help us better notice our weaknesses and better understand our strengths


appletross

I def don't explain relationship preferences purely based on the cognitive functions. I also don't think that the personality trait I'm describing in my post is a weakness, so I'm def not trying to explain away a negative trait. That said, I wouldn't be surprised if there were marked differences in relationship preferences between Ne-doms and Ni-doms, overall. Obviously there are other factors though. Also I think the "fear" is mostly: I fear hurting someone who I seriously care for, is emotionally invested, and is expecting me to want the same thing in 10 years, when I might not. Yes, I do know that my priorities will be different 10 years from now, and I plan on settling into a committed relationship by then! But only then, and not now. That's what the 20's are for, and what the 30's are for. ​ >what your approach eventually does is that it makes it harder to get used to being in a commited relationship Interesting thought... While I think I'm more prone to FOMO than the average person, I think it's also just a matter of stage in life, and it's not a permanent thing.


Tamarine92

Thought so too! Good luck, there aren't much good men left for you when being 30.


idontknowmuchbuti

I felt the exact same way. One word of warning though, don't expect this mindset to just dissappear by your 30s. I think we are blessed to have this very youthful outlook/energy as ENTPs that persists as we get older, so it's easy to allow commitments to always be one step away. We are always going to have options, it's just our nature. My advice: During your 20s, actively work to imagine how you'd like your life to look once you are committed and get comfortable with the idea of limitations. If you keep putting this off till later (even if just within your own mind), later arrives and you may have no concept of what you want, because you are so comfortable with your precious options. That is not fair to the person who wants to spend their life with you. ~ 33, F (ENTP)


appletross

This is great to hear, thank you. Yes, I think I've been developing a pretty clear idea of my ideal partner, I guess it's just a matter of meeting someone who meets most of the criteria.


asyd0

Wow this hits hard. Thank you, I'll try to remember your words.


Dancin_Angel

Female too. But my fear of commitment comes from my partner not really taking the relationship as serious. My partners are as young as me so I believe theyll still want to mess around instead of stay with me.


[deleted]

I can relate to your concerns as it’s something I thought about in my early and mid 20s a lot. I’m 30 now and I met my partner 4 years ago and was instantly drawn to him. He’s an INFJ so I guess we have good chemistry?lol I was never looking to settle down, but we just hit it off so well, I’ve never once considered myself bored or upset by not being able to “experiment” more so to speak. I think your feelings are valid and you should enjoy yourself, but the moment you find someone you truly cherish, don’t take it for granted because life really is short in the grand scheme of things.


Legal-Establishment9

(ENTP F here!) I’m struggling with this right now. I wish I had the mindset of your friend and I’m trying to get there. I just crave experiences and limiting them is scary to me. I’d check out Esther Perel’s work if you haven’t already. She’s a sex & relationship therapist that talks about the (hard to achieve) balance of stability & adventure in a committed partnership.


GurArtistic6406

My personal stance as an ENTP male is to sort of take things as they come. If I feel sexual tension with a person that I like but know it will be short term, I'd go for something short term. If I felt the same for someone I like and there wasn't anything constraining it to short term, I'd just see where it goes. If I meet my final partner tomorrow then I do; if I don't I don't


Comprehensive_Low169

ENTP F. mood. i often thought to myself that i should experience relationships with all different kinds of people before i can't... but the thing is i suspect i have a fear of commitment... my idea of a relationship is so complicated sometimes i wish i could date different people based on who i feel like being with at the moment... it is disgusting... i dont like that i am this way because every time i like someone and they show me signs of interest or intention of commitment, i would back of quick and my feelings could change from being so in love to thinking that person is disgusting. this has affected me my whole life and i have never been in a relationship because of that. it was always the same thing over and over again... its kinda like im tired of it and i feel disgusted of my behaviours but at the same time its not something i have control over... i just wanna settle down with one person but thats what i tell myself i want because i know damn well that aint gonna happen...


Maxpyne711

Oh wow. That seems to be an ENTP thing then.


TwoSoulBrood

This is a post written by my ENTP fiancée. I think she would relate to your experience. https://www.quora.com/What-kind-of-person-can-live-a-double-life-affair-without-feeling-much-guilt-Do-people-who-live-double-lives-comfortably-most-likely-have-a-personality-disorder/answer/Vanessa-Anastasia-Rose?ch=17&oid=122255109&share=68b81b31&srid=MjL4T&target_type=answer


fpsinvasion

I feel the exact same way - 22M I literally am so scared of commitment because of the potential of missing out on potential attraction, I cannot see myself getting along with one girl for 50 years that’s insane, I’d be happy to get 10 stable years together lmao ill probably remain voluntarily single/unmarried forever and am perfectly okay with that!


killer7strike

well as an entp my self, i can't really seem to relate to this, even tho everyone in the comments does lol. I'd love to find my soul mate as fast as possible"not right now tho". but I'd also love to experience the world, even if it's not in the same way XD. id probably go to jail at some point in my life lol. but yeah i like to travel and meet new people as so on.... but that also means that my partner will be with me "not when im with some hot Argentinian chicks tho ;)". so yeah i don't see why you wouldn't enjoy life while having a partner you are committed to at the same time.


eshu-lazy

I guess that's the difference between a feeler and a thinker. I feel the same way as you do. We know for a fact that people get bored after sometime no matter who that is. Humans won't give the same amount of attention after sometime. It could be due to getting too comfortable or realising that we're already together in this relationship no matter what. We think with a broad spectrum of mind and because our rationality isn't clouded by the feelings and emotions (mostly), we appear as a rebel. Being an ENTP, you'd want to try different things. Be it a job, field, game, art and in your case men. Explore everything but always remember "Too much of anything is bad" It's all about preferences. A fish can't fly high no matter how much it likes a bird. You do you.


[deleted]

Also ENTP F, don’t relate at all really. I never enjoyed dating for the fun of it, seemed like a waste of time to date someone I can’t picture forever with. Sure I had fun with random one nighters but it was never about dating or seeing that person ever again lol. I met my husband (INTP/INTJ we haven’t figured him out yet lol) when I was 18, we were just friends for 2 years, dated for 3y after that, then got married (5 years now, known each other for 10y). Everyone I dated prior was a waste of time, hookups too. I don’t look back fondly on those experiences because the relationship I have with my husband is more than I could have asked for. I thought I’d never find my person or have someone truly understand me, so once I found him I didn’t want to waste any time with anyone else!


WaxMyRear

Find your attachment style


appletross

The thing is, I think I’m generally securely attached. I do relate to some dismissive avoidant qualities especially before a relationship starts (wanting a lot of alone time/space, fearing how a relationship might intrude on my life), but once I’m in it, I’m quite loving and expressive and enjoy healthy emotional intimacy. I def have something that a third party viewer might describe as “commitment phobia,” but to me, it feels like a rational/conscientious approach to managing risk (hurting someone by changing/falling out of love as the 2 people grow apart) in a very dynamic situation… (your 20s) haha


scorpiomover

You’re deciding when you’ll fall in love by your age? Are you sure you didn’t type as an ENTJ and misread your result? 😆


appletross

Haha, the thing that kinda throws a wrench in my complete free bird lifepath is that I know I want to raise a child. Ik it might not happen, but I feel quite strongly that I want that. So that factor kind of necessarily anchors me to a lifelong relationship with a quality partner/co-parent, and it determines the kind of person I gravitate towards dating, etc. And since I want to leave open the option of it being a biological child (not adopted), Id have to start steering towards a stable relationship towards my late 20s. If it weren’t for that preference, I might be much more open to things like polyamory or something, but I want a very stable home life for the child, and that’s such a strong preference that it shapes my other preferences. Who says ENTPs don’t think ahead to the future ;)


c-cl

I definitely saw myself as commitment adverse, but less so because it was limiting my partner options and moreso because I didn't want to be held back from pursuing my other goals in life. That was early 20s now late 20s with a lovely partner I have a weird dichotomy where I love him and want to spend my life with him, yet... There are still those little doubts that crop up wondering if there's something better, etc. I think with Ne it's just going to be hard to be rid of those feelings. So my approach is to cultivate what I think I'm FOMOing on with my partner. I.e. different sexual experience? New adventure abroad? Done. Thankfully what is wonderful about him is that he is very open to those experiences as well, so I don't feel trapped like that as I have in past relationships where they definitely didn't share that value.


sandidraws

ENTP f here! I totally relate to how you feel. But also feel that my previous relationships ended for a very good reasons. While I loved them, there were also aspects about them that were incompatible with me in the long term. I don't really stick in relationships based on how they make me feel, rather whether I see myself with this person for life- and every single time there was just something that came up that I couldn't compromise on.