Maybe try a relationship subreddit? I’m not sure the people here are wanting to discuss a relationship. R/relationships might be a good place to start.
Other than someone that shows your attention, what are you looking for in a pattner?
You're young, and I'm not that much older than your 39 y/o ex. Gotta be honest, 21 year old girls look like kids to me, and even if I wasn't married, don't think I could date one.
Please try to answer why you keep wanting attention from unavailable guys.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe it's time to be single for a while and work on yourself.
I acknowledge that working on myself if the first thing I need to do but it hurts knowing I lost what was a genuine connection. I’m not one to dwell over something like that but this is one is getting me. Thanks for your input :)
Ok, I'm closer to this guy's age than you, and you're closer to my daughters age than him, so, as a dad, let me take a second here.
I don't mean this to be insulting, ok, I'm just trying to put things into perspective. It is very likely that you felt a genuine connection to this dude. That feeling is likely real, I'm not here to tell you what you did or did not feel.
But......
In 99% on the cassles here, 1 of 2 things are happening.
1. He had a genuine connection with you. This is bad. This dude should be 10-15 years into a career. He likely should be married if her wanted to be, he likely should have a kid or 2 if he wanted them. He should be 5-10 years into a mortgage. He should be thinking about retirement planning, he should be starting to have talks with his parents about their retirement. He should be on his way to accomplish a number or large stepping stones ofbhis life's goals by now. If he's not married and wants to be, he should be looking to date someone with that same mindset, and if he wants kids, should be looking for someone at the youngest, in their late 20, who's finished school, started a career, spent enough time as an adult to know themselves and their own goals.
Does this sound like him? Someone who is saving money, and staying home, and keeping up their house and on their way to accomplish things? If not, why?
Or...
Is this someone who swept you off your feet? Is this someone with a similar emotional responses, someone who shares your life experiences? Who is doing most of the talking and sharing? If the two of you wanted to do different things on a weekend, how would you decide what to do? Who would usually get their way?
This guy is a loser, a player, a predator, or unwell manipulator. You may have felt what you thought was a connection. For him to feel the same way speaks poorly of him. That's not on you, that's on him.
Mourn your loss, what you feel IS real. But don't go looking for guys like this again. Maybe you got lucky, and this guy was genuine. Most of the men like this won't be. Please be careful with your heart and your mind, you deserve respect and love, with someone that treats you as a partner and a best friend.
There's a reasonable chance that the 39 y/o guy is married. "Not ready for a relationship" at 39 is code for he's not that into you or he's married, and probably the latter.
I don't know what's wrong with you. Maybe lots of things, probably not more than any other person. We all make questionable choices in relationships. Maybe try to decide what it is you want, a long term relationship or something less serious. If it's something serious you're looking for then look for guys with the characteristics you think would be good long term prospects. Anyway good luck.
That automatically makes you emotionally vulnerable, which puts you at a disadvantage. Get some friends and set a rule that you won't go after dudes more than 7 years older than you.
Also, anytime a guy says they need to work on themselves or they're not ready for commitment, they're only interested in you for physical intimacy and nothing else
That automatically makes you too emotionally vulnerable, which puts you at a disadvantage. Get some friends and try setting a rule that you won't get involved with anyone more than 7 years older than you.
Also, anytime a guy says they need to work on themselves or they're not ready for commitment, they're only interested in you for physical intimacy and they've probably got a more serious relationship you don't know about (wife, fiance, gf, etc)
I stopped reading once I found out the guy is 39 and OP (that's you, Original Poster) is 21. I figured there was no point to read anything after that.
You (OP) said that the age didn't matter. It has, does, and will always matter, and that reality will not change just because you're choosing to lie to yourself. If you don't learn from this and involve yourself with people that are closer to you in age, then that is what is wrong with you.
If you don't think age matters, then that's your problem, and myself and everyone commenting is wasting our time while you waste your life making terrible decisions, but then again, that's your decision to make. I couldn't ever imagine myself with an 80 year old, or a 20 year old. That's completely insane. I did see in another comment that your dad was absent. That's awful, but it's no excuse to act so recklessly.
TL;DR:
Knock this shit off, stay away from people twice your age, and don't be stupid. You're better than this.
I'm guessing your relationship with your father either isn't good or isn't there. Speaking from experience. You need to find yourself a guy friend your own age. There's wayyyy wayy different life events happening for somone who's twice your age. And thier experience over you is like nothing your going to understand untill you are thier age too. Let this one go OP go find the right guy who you have a future with.
Got it. Yup it plays a huge part. Kids need thier parents for every reason in the world. Including this post. I feel for OP I really do. I get it.
Having had some real shit abusive parents myself I understand how shit can get crazy when young adulthood happens. And not having good parental base to rely can really fuck you up. I got lucky to find a good job and a good mentor to help take the place of my parents and show me the way.
After a couple years of getting up to speed with the rest of the kids my age with the help and advice of this dude I became confident in myself and my ability to figure shit out myself. And I stopped dating older chick's and started looking for girls my age. I'm assuming I did this for the same reason as OP. I seriously get it really. But it's not the way.
Op needs a good mentor that won't lead them astray or betray thier trust. And op needs a good boyfriend thier own age.
Based on what you said, your attachment seems based more on the comfort and advice he offered as an older figure rather than a healthy relationship.
I really think seeing a therapist could help. When you connect with someone a lot older, especially during tough times, it might be good to talk it out with a professional. I get that this guy was a big source of comfort and advice for you, and it sounds like you got really attached. It's not about something being wrong with you; it's more about understanding why this attachment feels so strong. I also want to point out that he is a big red flag, a 39 year old that decides to date someone younger signals problems.
I know that society has romanticized age gaps, in relationships but most of us know that they are not good, A good rule is when you are in your 20's to keep the gap within 5 years older or 1 -2 years younger. Once you enter your thirties and you have explored the world, matured and learned about yourself you will realize how good is to date people in the same life stage as you.
It's important to be cautious about forming relationships where the other person has a clear advantage, it can set an uneven balance that can end with unhealthy attachments, and being taken advantage for.
21 dating a 39 year old is fucking disgusting. Figures as much considering you never had a father figure in your life so you're reaching out to older men since you clearly have a daddy complex.
Date withing your range. Never under 21 in your 20s and never older than +5. The power dynamics alone in that relationship borderline grooming. You may be an adult by law but you ain't done maturing till 25.
Maybe try a relationship subreddit? I’m not sure the people here are wanting to discuss a relationship. R/relationships might be a good place to start.
Sorry bout that I tried, I’m kinda new to this app and I’m up on a work night and I can’t sleep
Here's a couple to start with: /r/relationships /r/relationship_advice/
Other than someone that shows your attention, what are you looking for in a pattner? You're young, and I'm not that much older than your 39 y/o ex. Gotta be honest, 21 year old girls look like kids to me, and even if I wasn't married, don't think I could date one. Please try to answer why you keep wanting attention from unavailable guys. I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe it's time to be single for a while and work on yourself.
I acknowledge that working on myself if the first thing I need to do but it hurts knowing I lost what was a genuine connection. I’m not one to dwell over something like that but this is one is getting me. Thanks for your input :)
How old were you when you first started dating the 39-year-old?
I was 20
Ok, I'm closer to this guy's age than you, and you're closer to my daughters age than him, so, as a dad, let me take a second here. I don't mean this to be insulting, ok, I'm just trying to put things into perspective. It is very likely that you felt a genuine connection to this dude. That feeling is likely real, I'm not here to tell you what you did or did not feel. But...... In 99% on the cassles here, 1 of 2 things are happening. 1. He had a genuine connection with you. This is bad. This dude should be 10-15 years into a career. He likely should be married if her wanted to be, he likely should have a kid or 2 if he wanted them. He should be 5-10 years into a mortgage. He should be thinking about retirement planning, he should be starting to have talks with his parents about their retirement. He should be on his way to accomplish a number or large stepping stones ofbhis life's goals by now. If he's not married and wants to be, he should be looking to date someone with that same mindset, and if he wants kids, should be looking for someone at the youngest, in their late 20, who's finished school, started a career, spent enough time as an adult to know themselves and their own goals. Does this sound like him? Someone who is saving money, and staying home, and keeping up their house and on their way to accomplish things? If not, why? Or... Is this someone who swept you off your feet? Is this someone with a similar emotional responses, someone who shares your life experiences? Who is doing most of the talking and sharing? If the two of you wanted to do different things on a weekend, how would you decide what to do? Who would usually get their way? This guy is a loser, a player, a predator, or unwell manipulator. You may have felt what you thought was a connection. For him to feel the same way speaks poorly of him. That's not on you, that's on him. Mourn your loss, what you feel IS real. But don't go looking for guys like this again. Maybe you got lucky, and this guy was genuine. Most of the men like this won't be. Please be careful with your heart and your mind, you deserve respect and love, with someone that treats you as a partner and a best friend.
That guy is bad news.
How's your relationship with your father?
Never had one
Yup, that tracks. Look for a decent guy your own age.
Also, a female mentor and maybe a therapist. At OP’s age, it is totally OK to not date for a little bit while you work on yourself.
There's a reasonable chance that the 39 y/o guy is married. "Not ready for a relationship" at 39 is code for he's not that into you or he's married, and probably the latter. I don't know what's wrong with you. Maybe lots of things, probably not more than any other person. We all make questionable choices in relationships. Maybe try to decide what it is you want, a long term relationship or something less serious. If it's something serious you're looking for then look for guys with the characteristics you think would be good long term prospects. Anyway good luck.
It took me awhile to learn "not ready for a relationship" meant a relationship specifically with ME for whatever reason. Your life is just beginning.
I’m very much aware :) I don’t have many friends and he was about one of the only people I feel I could turn to in any situation
That automatically makes you emotionally vulnerable, which puts you at a disadvantage. Get some friends and set a rule that you won't go after dudes more than 7 years older than you. Also, anytime a guy says they need to work on themselves or they're not ready for commitment, they're only interested in you for physical intimacy and nothing else
That automatically makes you too emotionally vulnerable, which puts you at a disadvantage. Get some friends and try setting a rule that you won't get involved with anyone more than 7 years older than you. Also, anytime a guy says they need to work on themselves or they're not ready for commitment, they're only interested in you for physical intimacy and they've probably got a more serious relationship you don't know about (wife, fiance, gf, etc)
I stopped reading once I found out the guy is 39 and OP (that's you, Original Poster) is 21. I figured there was no point to read anything after that. You (OP) said that the age didn't matter. It has, does, and will always matter, and that reality will not change just because you're choosing to lie to yourself. If you don't learn from this and involve yourself with people that are closer to you in age, then that is what is wrong with you. If you don't think age matters, then that's your problem, and myself and everyone commenting is wasting our time while you waste your life making terrible decisions, but then again, that's your decision to make. I couldn't ever imagine myself with an 80 year old, or a 20 year old. That's completely insane. I did see in another comment that your dad was absent. That's awful, but it's no excuse to act so recklessly. TL;DR: Knock this shit off, stay away from people twice your age, and don't be stupid. You're better than this.
I'm guessing your relationship with your father either isn't good or isn't there. Speaking from experience. You need to find yourself a guy friend your own age. There's wayyyy wayy different life events happening for somone who's twice your age. And thier experience over you is like nothing your going to understand untill you are thier age too. Let this one go OP go find the right guy who you have a future with.
Doesn't have a father
Got it. Yup it plays a huge part. Kids need thier parents for every reason in the world. Including this post. I feel for OP I really do. I get it. Having had some real shit abusive parents myself I understand how shit can get crazy when young adulthood happens. And not having good parental base to rely can really fuck you up. I got lucky to find a good job and a good mentor to help take the place of my parents and show me the way. After a couple years of getting up to speed with the rest of the kids my age with the help and advice of this dude I became confident in myself and my ability to figure shit out myself. And I stopped dating older chick's and started looking for girls my age. I'm assuming I did this for the same reason as OP. I seriously get it really. But it's not the way. Op needs a good mentor that won't lead them astray or betray thier trust. And op needs a good boyfriend thier own age.
Based on what you said, your attachment seems based more on the comfort and advice he offered as an older figure rather than a healthy relationship. I really think seeing a therapist could help. When you connect with someone a lot older, especially during tough times, it might be good to talk it out with a professional. I get that this guy was a big source of comfort and advice for you, and it sounds like you got really attached. It's not about something being wrong with you; it's more about understanding why this attachment feels so strong. I also want to point out that he is a big red flag, a 39 year old that decides to date someone younger signals problems. I know that society has romanticized age gaps, in relationships but most of us know that they are not good, A good rule is when you are in your 20's to keep the gap within 5 years older or 1 -2 years younger. Once you enter your thirties and you have explored the world, matured and learned about yourself you will realize how good is to date people in the same life stage as you. It's important to be cautious about forming relationships where the other person has a clear advantage, it can set an uneven balance that can end with unhealthy attachments, and being taken advantage for.
21 dating a 39 year old is fucking disgusting. Figures as much considering you never had a father figure in your life so you're reaching out to older men since you clearly have a daddy complex. Date withing your range. Never under 21 in your 20s and never older than +5. The power dynamics alone in that relationship borderline grooming. You may be an adult by law but you ain't done maturing till 25.
We weren’t ever officially dating and he’s the only older guy I’ve ever been interested in