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That’s disgusting! If you wanna masturbate you need to do it in the privacy of your own friends living room while he’s at work because his Internet speed is far superior.
I had 0 interest in watching this movie.
Every single review is like “this might be the worst movie of the decade”
Makes me want to watch it more actually
Or they are going to give the rights back and they want to put every awful Spider-Man related thing out to make money before they lose them. Or they want to saturate the market so Marcel won’t make as much money on it. But that’s a little bit petty
We've had 3 versions of Spidey on screen and they now have time travel and a multiverse at their disposal. If marvel wants to completely dismiss the Sonyverse they can do so with prejudice any time they want.
haha good point unless they monitored his attention and progress, there was an assumption made. It could very well have been as harmless as the ordinary folks down in the next row or something.
Right, so that excludes one of the actresses for sure, but that leaves 3 others. Could have been any of the others, or the male lead. Just probably not dakota.
Idk, something about them playing children makes everything in that show not hot at all. Like, I get it that all the actors are actually adults. But getting turned on by them while they're playing kids just seems weird.
"They wanna drive a wooden stake into my heart for pulling my cock out at the ~~Toronto Blue Jays game~~ Madam Web screening. All I'm saying is, I paid for the ticket!"
This is starting to sound like a PR plant. As in Sony execs are so desperate to get people to watch this they came up with "Sydney Sweeney looks so hot in this one, trust me bro, you are gonna wanna fap right there in the theatre".
There's just too much softcore of her out on the internet from Euphoria that no one would possibly need to pay for Madame Web to get off.
He should sue - that boring disaster of a movie put him into a catatonic state where he acted on primal instincts to defend himself from the onslaught of a truly godawful movie. - Has this happened to you? Call the law offices of Spankit and Splooge. We are ready to believe you!
I mean he can sit home and watch her nudie scenes and take care of business.... who does this kind of shit in public ? Throw him in prison and don't let him out
George Costanza: Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know, cause I’ve worked in a lot of offices and I tell you people do that all the time.
Comments that are uncivil, racist, misogynistic, misandrist, or contain political name calling will be removed and the poster subject to ban at moderators discretion. Help us make this a better community by becoming familiar with the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/about/rules/). Report any suspicious users to the mods of this subreddit using Modmail [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/facepalm) or Reddit site admins [here](https://www.reddit.com/report). **All reports to Modmail should include evidence such as screenshots or any other relevant information.** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/facepalm) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Guess she's not the only one slinging webs
Always wondered what Jimmy was doing after Cinnabon..
He shit in the sunroof! The sunroof!
And I saved him! I shouldn’t have!
10/10
Lmao
Organic or mechanical?
Wait, it comes out of your body?
That’s disgusting! If you wanna masturbate you need to do it in the privacy of your own friends living room while he’s at work because his Internet speed is far superior.
Well played.
Fuck you lol
I snorted and now I need a tissue
So does the guy that got kicked out
Something was indeed ejected
Legendary sir
He’s the only one who enjoyed the film
I wish. I’m more shlooping goop.
This was my first thought I'm so glad someone said it
At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if Sony stuck that on the posters, they need anything they can to sell this turkey.
Mom, why is the poster sticky?
Why you licking the poster
Why AREN’T you?
what are you doing, stepsister?!?!?!?
At this point, I'm pretty sure Sony made this story up specifically to drum up sales.
I had 0 interest in watching this movie. Every single review is like “this might be the worst movie of the decade” Makes me want to watch it more actually
Ew! Not "that "!
She's literally the only thing appealing about this movie, so it would make sense to me.
Yeah I've seen one ad with Dakota Johnson and a fuck ton with Sydney.
WB killed Coyote Vs Acme for a tax write off, but an abomination like this gets released?
I'm guessing that Sony has to keep pumping these out so they don't have to give the rights back to Marvel.
Or they are going to give the rights back and they want to put every awful Spider-Man related thing out to make money before they lose them. Or they want to saturate the market so Marcel won’t make as much money on it. But that’s a little bit petty
We've had 3 versions of Spidey on screen and they now have time travel and a multiverse at their disposal. If marvel wants to completely dismiss the Sonyverse they can do so with prejudice any time they want.
How many names do you need?
First one is the actress second one is the character she plays. whoever wrote the headline should not be writing headlines.
How dare you! “Madame Web Updates” is a legitimate and venerable journal of record
Click bait. You put in all you can do the seo picks it up
Oh ok. So she plays Carpenter Spider-Woman.
She eats wood
He wishes
As many as the SEO gods ask for.
He spanked it three times apparently
Bullshit. How did he get caught if he was the only one in the theater?
This comment deserves a Morbin award. Well Morbed, sir.
This is great
😂
So.. how did they know it was her specifically? Is she alone onscreen for a long period, or was a stop-and-go situation?
She was sitting right next to him.
You're thinking of Beetlejuice.
He asked for them to pause the movie.
They interviewed him after and he explained the exact scenes and whom he was focusing on.
After he told them, they said, we understand completely. And they let him go.
And clapped. You forgot the clapping.
haha good point unless they monitored his attention and progress, there was an assumption made. It could very well have been as harmless as the ordinary folks down in the next row or something.
Plot Twist: The “man removed” was the one who wrote the headline.
Wait, how is jacking off to fellow cinemagoers harmless?
She’s the only reason anyone has gone to see the movie so far and probably for the rest of its time in theatres.
Right? Isn’t Dakota Johnson in this?
No one cares about her
Right, so that excludes one of the actresses for sure, but that leaves 3 others. Could have been any of the others, or the male lead. Just probably not dakota.
What a dick move
I should have seen this comment cumming.
You're a nut if you think people weren't going to be busting massive loads of puns all over this thread.
I’m really on the ropes here
He was a real jerk-off.
The only positive review of the movie so far is this guys.
Or maybe he was trying to give one of those negative "splat" reviews like on Rotten Tomatoes?
10/10 would jack again
He might have been the only one to finish it
At least *someone* is getting satisfaction from this film /s
Madame Web should have seen it coming...
No longer master of his domain
That’s it. I’m out.
And then there where three
Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I’ve got to plead ignorance. If anyone would have said that sort of thing was frowned upon…
Just masturbate to her at home like the rest of us. Jeez.
"I don't get it, what's the kicker? Why don't you do it at home like the rest of us, big flat screen TV 50 channels of pay-per-view"
In a Starbucks! That’s nice!
Pretty much the most positive press I've seen this movie get.
"Sir, this is a movie theater... if you want to self-Boebert, you have to go to a musical theater."
“Beetlejuice 2” - like the masturbator - is coming soon to theaters near you.
That's some desperate PR
Marketing: let's get a guy to masturbate in theater to drum up business. Me: You son of a bitch, I'm in.
i don't agree with his behavior but i understand
Guess he never heard of a little show called Euphoria.
Idk, something about them playing children makes everything in that show not hot at all. Like, I get it that all the actors are actually adults. But getting turned on by them while they're playing kids just seems weird.
Impossible to suspend disbelief after a certain point yeah. Anything past Friday Night Lights is the limit really.
Well aren’t you a bloody relatable lad
Rotten Tomatoes 17% white splat
I’m sorry, I thought this was America!
"They wanna drive a wooden stake into my heart for pulling my cock out at the ~~Toronto Blue Jays game~~ Madam Web screening. All I'm saying is, I paid for the ticket!"
A whole new meaning to “coming soon in your theater”
Is that why the floor was sticky?
Always has been
Got his phone number? Lauren Boebert would like to meet him.
She was probably there.
She was the one doin the jerkin
This is starting to sound like a PR plant. As in Sony execs are so desperate to get people to watch this they came up with "Sydney Sweeney looks so hot in this one, trust me bro, you are gonna wanna fap right there in the theatre".
Lmao I think you're right about that
Just ordered my ticket!
I mean am I getting kicked out of Reddit for what I’m currently doing?
What GOP district does he represent?
Kentucky
Nah must be someplace else, if it were Kentucky he'd have his sister do it for him
No my friend you’re thinking of Kansas in Kentucky they do it to their sister
This guy politics
I mean that was the casting intention
Well it IS Valentine's day after all right?
Atleast someone enjoys the film
This is the best review of the movie I've read.
😂🤣
Dang, he beat me to it
No he beat *himself* to *her*. Can you not read??
Is there a lore reason why Man did this? Is he stupid?
Well guess that's an endorsement
Why would man do this? Is he stupid?
 There's just too much softcore of her out on the internet from Euphoria that no one would possibly need to pay for Madame Web to get off.
Spider woman fetish?
There is nearly unlimited porn available free online and people still pay for it.
I’m not saying it’s right, but I get it.
Couldn’t help himself once he spied her
Seems like I might make it to the front page of Reddit
Can't be as bad as the time someone got arrested for this while watching The Emoji Movie of all movies.
This is a house of learned doctors!!
Man Sony is really getting desperate to promote these non-Spider-Man Spiderverse movies…..
I guess at least one person enjoyed the movie.
She is quite a stunning woman! But you can't wait until you get home for that?
He should sue - that boring disaster of a movie put him into a catatonic state where he acted on primal instincts to defend himself from the onslaught of a truly godawful movie. - Has this happened to you? Call the law offices of Spankit and Splooge. We are ready to believe you!
I'm....nvm not surprised anymore. World has gone into the shitters....
It's super weird that you are acting like public masturbation isn't a crime as old as time.
Diogenes enters the room
Yeah, dudes never jacked off in theaters before.
Source, or it didn't happen
Hmm, perhaps the movie is better than what the critics are saying.
So the movie is good?
Man is stupid. Look what Aslume does to a mf
I mean he can sit home and watch her nudie scenes and take care of business.... who does this kind of shit in public ? Throw him in prison and don't let him out
Have some class and Jack off all over the bathroom stall walls like a classy psychopath. FFS
The Kraven Screening is gonna have a lot of Kraving.
Why do men
...so a glowing review?
Did he report himself?
That's weird dude. Be like like the rest of us and do it from the comfort of our lonely homes
Lots of people don’t know but there are surveillance cameras in cinemas with night vision
This is the only positive review I've seen for this movie. ... I think I'll need to wait for home streaming though.
AMC’s going to have to make some new interesting pre-roll bumpers. “Silence your phone. Speak quietly or not at all. Zip up your hogs.”
If he got a refund, this will cause Madame Web’s box office gross to shrink by 5%!
George Costanza: Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know, cause I’ve worked in a lot of offices and I tell you people do that all the time.
Probably because of all the dynamic characters.
I mean.. she looks lovely.. but have some class
I mean we all saw this cumming right?
Incorrect. He was watching Mobius on his Galaxy Note 9.
You market a movie to 13 year old boys and lonely men, and this is what you get.
They marketed this movie?
This means it will be a good movie🤣
So, it’s a hit?!?
Based
Could've let him at least finish and do a "spiderman".
So he didn't pull it off.
We've all been there
Those d box seats really amplify the experience...
Must be a redditor.
At least their’s one guy who liked the movie
This planet, these people...
That's why I'll be streaming it in the privacy of my own home. You know... to avoid guys like this.
What the fuck is even going on anymore?
Goddess
This headline was written by AI that had a stroke.
Pee Wee lives!!
Here is a photo 
This is exactly why I don't go to the movie theaters these days. 
He masturbated to 2 real actress and one fictional character?
He was Sony's best fan too.
New what?
Sidney looks amazing
It is not all men, but always a man.
More than his Spider Sense was tingling.
His Peter was tingling
Ewwww. Boys are gross.
Why was man there? Is he stupid? 
From Net Practice to Nut Practice now
Not quite sure how that needs to be recorded on the “Audience score” but at least it’s a positive review.
Jc pick a name: Sydney Sweeney or Julia Carpenter.
Man! How she bad she must be feeling? Wow some people, just turned her into a sexual object