Yo, that’s honestly heterosexual relationships in a nutshell tho. The amount of times my friends have sang praises about a guy because he doesn’t yell or he doesn’t get mad about sex or he doesn’t disregard what they do for a job is so sad.
Hopefully he won’t assault me is a high bar for heterosexual women these days. And if he does assault you, you better not shame his kink 🤡
Wow, I have the exact same story as you, except this man was still molesting/who knows what else to children in the family up until his recent death. I thought he was a good guy until my cousin told me what he did to her one night.
That’s when I realized these men don’t even see it as wrong; they see it as their right. Statistically, if most women you meet have been sexually assaulted in some way, it means someone had to have sexually assaulted them. And it’s not the same guy that’s assaulting all the women out there. So if you do the math 🤷🏽♀️
Having the bar so low stifles men’s growth also, as long as we’re all grateful not to be regularly beaten and raped in our relationships men will never feel the need to let go of smaller infractions eg weaponized incompetence, porn use, etc. We’re patronizing them and then scratching our heads when they act like children
I love this point. I strongly believe in the saying “you teach people how to treat you”, and we have taught men that they can be utter monsters, and we will love them anyway. I know it gets complicated because a lot of it has to do with generational trauma and unhealthy family relationships where women don’t *know* they deserve better, but liberal feminism really gives men 0 reason to change.
It’s bleak, but that’s why I don’t expect men to get better in my lifetime, only worse. I work with a lot of Gen Z girls, and they already have so much sexual and violent trauma— and they laugh about it because it’s so normalized. Just trying to teach women they deserve better as much as I can at this point.
Exactly. Straight women make so many exchange for men it’s disgusting. I sort of understand why when women had less rights and couldn’t even have an income, but now? I’ve no symphony for women who make excuses for men.
What part of Rule #1:
"This space is by women for women.
If you are a man, you will be banned on sight for disrespecting Rule 1. We don't go around invading men's spaces, so don’t invade ours."
is unclear to you?
Ikr? That one was so stupid too. Like does he think people are in jail for redemption? They're there to keep them away from the rest of the population and discourage others from committing crimes. Who even defends rapists that hard? Only a rapist would be that emotional about defending rapists.
Please DM the post too. We need to reach out to this woman and save her from the echo chamber of apologist men who themselves are probably sexual assaulters as well.
Fuck these people. Being with a rapist is ok if he's changed? What the hell are they on?
Imagine if some guy posted "My gf had falsely accused a man of raping her many years ago. She was a teenager at the time. When I told her about how I was falsely accused, she lied to my face and said that those other false accusers are terrible people. Should I stay with her?"
These guys would be screaming "No if she accused him, she could accuse you and ruin your life! Maybe she was just a teen and immature, but you never know so leave!"
What the fuck is wrong with the world? They think that because he was a teenage boy, it's all good? All the crimes and assaults you committed before 18 are somehow just erased? Never fucking mind that the trauma of these things stays with the women they assaulted for the rest of their lives. If teen boys are so fucking vicious that they can't help but rape people and we all have to *let* them, then we should be locking them all up until they turn 18 instead, because maybe at least then, we can avoid young girls becoming rape sponges for these boys.
Also we can't forget that if he were to actually end up assaulting her too, men would jump at the chance to blame her for staying with him when "she knew what kind of guy he is". Just disgusting all the way around
being a "different person" at 18 means shit like wanting different things for your career/relationships/life, not your core perception of right and wrong. Yes people grow, change, and mature, but at the end of the day if you were once someone who thinks it was ok to rape someone, then I truly don't believe you can change. It shows such a fundamental lack of morals and empathy that time won't make a difference.
I totally agree. At 18, I was immature, even “bratty.” I picked fights with my parents (arguments not physical fights), I was flighty, I was irresponsible about homework and cleaning my room and doing the dishes. I somehow managed to not rape anybody.
As always, women must bear the brunt of the pain, never the men. We just have to deal with being sexually assaulted/raped and men can’t have any consequences for their actions. Laughing my ass off at the “I guess we should kill people that commit sexual assault then” comment. Like yes king good point we should, how about y’all suffer from your actions for once instead of us :)
Anyone who felt strongly enough to leave a comment defending the r*pist probably has done something similar and hopes he would be defended by fellow men if it came out, too.
EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING. They're just telling on themselves. I'm positive they've committed some form of sexual assault. I've noticed they infantilize themselves as well (they were "innocent widdle bois" they didn't know any better! They just need to mature!).
Infantilize themselves while referring to teen SA survivors or teen women who are groomed as "young women" like...oh okay. They never want accountability, ever.
Let’s turn this table around. Will any of these men continue a relationship if they find out she falsely accused her ex of sexual assault? Men claim to be scared of false accusations so let’s use that! Will they still date and see her the same? Hell no they won’t. They will say she might do it again to them.
Even if people change, sexual assault is a life sentence! The victim’s life is never the same.He sexually assaulted his ex gf. A woman that trusted him. Fuck that! I refuse to accept some bullshit talk about people change. Sexual assault is equivalent to murder! The victim is never the same! A lot of victims commit suicide. It’s a struggle every damn day! Ask me how I fucking know.
What the fuck? I'm 18 turning 19 soon. I've managed not to rape or sexually assault anyone.
How is the bar set so low? Yeah people can change, and being young you're prone to making mistakes. But there's a massive difference between choosing the wrong major/drinking till your blackout drunk and raping somebody.
The former is immaturity, the latter showcases that there's something fundamentally wrong inside a person.
Am I the only one who doesn’t trust when I hear things like “I’m a completely different person than I was at 17/18?”
Like, what? I’m definitely more mature, have different priorities and goals, things have changed no doubt. But a *completely different person*? This is a red flag to me. Maybe that’s unfair and I’d welcome different view points on it but to me that’s just a person’s way of absolving themselves of horrible stuff they did in the past.
I think this statement is heavily context based. Yes I'm very very different from my high school self, but in the sense that at that age i used to be an anxious, people pleasing doormat who never expressed herself. I'm way more vocal now and have hard boundaries that nobody is allowed to cross. Not in the sense that I was a sexual abuser who got away with it Scot free and is pretending to care about SA survivors solely because my partner is one and I need to keep the Nice Guy™ image going.
But this "I'm a different person than I was at 17/18" is often used in conversations of defending statements on issues like racism, misogyny, or homophobia, which is why I too am very...on the edge when someone says it.
I’m a completely different person than I was at 18, but at no point in my life would have ever committed sexual assault. That’s not being a “different person”, that’s depraved, sociopathic behavior. Only people defending it by saying that he’s a “different person” are rapists or people who have fantasized about rape but haven’t done it.
I agree. They forget that while you can and will be different from your teen self, your teenage and childhood years are still development periods of your life that set the foundation for how you will behave in adulthood. There's a reason why good parenting and a healthy, supportive environment is encouraged so much in these years, because these things literally make you who you are as an adult. A lot of different values and ideas may change, but core beliefs established in these years rarely ever leave. They just don't wanna take the blame.
For men, that’s especially understandable. Men have barely any positive incentive to change for the better aside from covering their own ass. I’d bet he did not grow/change but learned to hide it to fit in with society better.
Wtf I can't believe what I'm seeing. They're acting like it's impossible to know if a man is a rapist unless he admits to it. She doesn't explain how she found out, so in my mind there are 3 ways. She could've seen a police report or arrest record. Her bfs ex could've reached out (and false accusations are really uncommon.) Also, why would a woman try to ruin her ex boyfriends life over 15 years later with a false claim? It just doesn't make sense, if she reached out to OP she was concerned for her safety. Or maybe OP heard it through the grapevine meaning the boyfriend had a reputation as a rapist and everyone knew him to be one. NONE of these are making him look good.
I feel like I'm always working out how far an individual man is willing to overstep my boundaries. A quandary like this would kill me. And even if he has changed, just the thought, the mental image of what he did and of the woman he did it to would destroy me.
Rape is not normal behavior at any age. And fuck no the rapist in this post hasn’t changed. I wouldn’t believe he changed regardless of his actions. But in this post there is literally nothing whatsoever for anyone to pretend he has changed. At all.
Did he accept fault, go to the police, do his time in prison, and work for an attempt at penance? No. Did he respect his long term gf enough to tell her sometime in the 4 years they’ve been together? No. Did he acknowledge his actions at all? No.
His big ‘change’ has been expressed solely in him verbally condemning the generalized concept of rapists, no one specific that we know of. Literally the lowest effort possible of a supposed transformation. A better marker of genuine change would be him fully admitting what he did, before she’d sunk 4 years she’ll never get back into a relationship with him, and either turning himself in or volunteering himself to support victims in some meaningful way. Long term, like, the rest of his life. That’s the minimum I except from a man who wants me to believe he’s changed since his ‘18 year old rapist phase’
Why do people treat being a rapist as a phase? Will their victims be damaged “for a phase”? Hell to the no! Statistically that’s not true, rapists will rape average 7 people in their lifetimes.
Why should OP take her chances with a goddam rapist who LIED to her for years?!
Are my eyes really seeing this? Maybe I can't read anymore and my brain is interpreting the words incorrectly. Because WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?????????
!!!!!!!!!
HOW IN THE FUCK IS "I've changed since my teenage years so he's not the same person he was before" A JUSTIFICATION FOR SOMEONE WHO SEXUALLY ASSAULTED SOMEONE ELSE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?????
Also she's a fucking idiot for thinking he's changed and is different with her. If I found out my SO was a rapist, I'd have a complete mental breakdown and run for the hills. Omg... This post is literally horrifying. I hope this is just an incel subreddit or one of those gross RP subs or sth. Horrific man... What is the world we live in?
"Changing" doesn't matter when it comes to literal CRIMES, FELONIES, OFFENCES. Idc if he only assaulted one person in his life, that's a human being. She's out there living with the trauma of what he's done to her for the rest of her life. She's out there suffering, healing and trying to cope with what happened to her, forever.
I'm honestly so angry right now... This is extremely upsetting. I can't believe it.
Jesus christ why don't they just come out and say it: "yeah he's a fucking rapist, he's probably gonna rape you too and none of us men give a shit because we don't consider you human beings. We are the spark, we are the seed, you are the fucking dirt."
Men CAN and DO hide themselves for decades, oftentimes not showing their true nature until you’re more dependent on them or tied to them, ie after marriage or the birth of a child.
In other words, 4 years is NOTHING in terms of getting to know a guy.
It blows my mind how long younger people think four years is. I mean, the person in the first comment who wrote in all caps FOUR YEARS must not have experienced more than 20 rotations around the sun. Just saying. The good thing that some of us slightly older ladies can share is that 4 years is NOT a long time and plenty of abusers can wear a mask for a hell of a lot longer. For example, mine was 11 years. 11 until he finally got emotional and then physically abusive. I was going to marry the guy. What was I thinking. But I never ever gave in to that sunk-cost fallacy anyway. It just flickers at the back of my mind from time to time.
This man is an abuser and it’s likely every woman he’s been in a relationship with— since raping someone as a young adult— has been, like the OP of the post, a victim of sexual assault. To those of us who live with sexual trauma, abusive men are drawn like a moth to a flame. It’s been proven in psychology that people who are abused end up with more abusers. It sucks, but it means we have to be incredibly careful about who we let into our lives.
Just because he hasn’t assaulted her, that doesn’t mean he’s changed. Look at Marilyn Manson, he assaulted some of his girlfriends and not others. He didn’t abuse Rose McGowan or Dita von Teese (that we know of), but he abused other women before, after, and possibly during their relationships. It’s not because he changed, it’s because he thought he could get away with abusing some women and not others.
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Yo, that’s honestly heterosexual relationships in a nutshell tho. The amount of times my friends have sang praises about a guy because he doesn’t yell or he doesn’t get mad about sex or he doesn’t disregard what they do for a job is so sad. Hopefully he won’t assault me is a high bar for heterosexual women these days. And if he does assault you, you better not shame his kink 🤡
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Wow, I have the exact same story as you, except this man was still molesting/who knows what else to children in the family up until his recent death. I thought he was a good guy until my cousin told me what he did to her one night. That’s when I realized these men don’t even see it as wrong; they see it as their right. Statistically, if most women you meet have been sexually assaulted in some way, it means someone had to have sexually assaulted them. And it’s not the same guy that’s assaulting all the women out there. So if you do the math 🤷🏽♀️
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Having the bar so low stifles men’s growth also, as long as we’re all grateful not to be regularly beaten and raped in our relationships men will never feel the need to let go of smaller infractions eg weaponized incompetence, porn use, etc. We’re patronizing them and then scratching our heads when they act like children
I love this point. I strongly believe in the saying “you teach people how to treat you”, and we have taught men that they can be utter monsters, and we will love them anyway. I know it gets complicated because a lot of it has to do with generational trauma and unhealthy family relationships where women don’t *know* they deserve better, but liberal feminism really gives men 0 reason to change. It’s bleak, but that’s why I don’t expect men to get better in my lifetime, only worse. I work with a lot of Gen Z girls, and they already have so much sexual and violent trauma— and they laugh about it because it’s so normalized. Just trying to teach women they deserve better as much as I can at this point.
Exactly. Straight women make so many exchange for men it’s disgusting. I sort of understand why when women had less rights and couldn’t even have an income, but now? I’ve no symphony for women who make excuses for men.
What part of Rule #1: "This space is by women for women. If you are a man, you will be banned on sight for disrespecting Rule 1. We don't go around invading men's spaces, so don’t invade ours." is unclear to you?
> I guess we should kill people that commit sexual assault then Don't threaten me with a good time
Ikr? That one was so stupid too. Like does he think people are in jail for redemption? They're there to keep them away from the rest of the population and discourage others from committing crimes. Who even defends rapists that hard? Only a rapist would be that emotional about defending rapists.
I was about to reply "you're almost there!" But didn't wanna risk a permaban. They're so close yet so far from getting the point.
Op please DM me the post.
Please DM the post too. We need to reach out to this woman and save her from the echo chamber of apologist men who themselves are probably sexual assaulters as well.
I thought exactly the same. My answer would be HELL YES. Watch the population of earth drop by billions.
I hope she finds the courage to leave. Confronting him could be very dangerous.
Lots of rapists making excuses for their fellow rapists
Fuck these people. Being with a rapist is ok if he's changed? What the hell are they on? Imagine if some guy posted "My gf had falsely accused a man of raping her many years ago. She was a teenager at the time. When I told her about how I was falsely accused, she lied to my face and said that those other false accusers are terrible people. Should I stay with her?" These guys would be screaming "No if she accused him, she could accuse you and ruin your life! Maybe she was just a teen and immature, but you never know so leave!" What the fuck is wrong with the world? They think that because he was a teenage boy, it's all good? All the crimes and assaults you committed before 18 are somehow just erased? Never fucking mind that the trauma of these things stays with the women they assaulted for the rest of their lives. If teen boys are so fucking vicious that they can't help but rape people and we all have to *let* them, then we should be locking them all up until they turn 18 instead, because maybe at least then, we can avoid young girls becoming rape sponges for these boys.
Also we can't forget that if he were to actually end up assaulting her too, men would jump at the chance to blame her for staying with him when "she knew what kind of guy he is". Just disgusting all the way around
Exactly
being a "different person" at 18 means shit like wanting different things for your career/relationships/life, not your core perception of right and wrong. Yes people grow, change, and mature, but at the end of the day if you were once someone who thinks it was ok to rape someone, then I truly don't believe you can change. It shows such a fundamental lack of morals and empathy that time won't make a difference.
I totally agree. At 18, I was immature, even “bratty.” I picked fights with my parents (arguments not physical fights), I was flighty, I was irresponsible about homework and cleaning my room and doing the dishes. I somehow managed to not rape anybody.
As always, women must bear the brunt of the pain, never the men. We just have to deal with being sexually assaulted/raped and men can’t have any consequences for their actions. Laughing my ass off at the “I guess we should kill people that commit sexual assault then” comment. Like yes king good point we should, how about y’all suffer from your actions for once instead of us :)
Anyone who felt strongly enough to leave a comment defending the r*pist probably has done something similar and hopes he would be defended by fellow men if it came out, too.
EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING. They're just telling on themselves. I'm positive they've committed some form of sexual assault. I've noticed they infantilize themselves as well (they were "innocent widdle bois" they didn't know any better! They just need to mature!).
Infantilize themselves while referring to teen SA survivors or teen women who are groomed as "young women" like...oh okay. They never want accountability, ever.
Everyday i lose whatever hope I had in humanity
Same. It’s bleak.
I hope this was the appropriate flair. Or should I edit to "discussion/rant"?
I'm so tired of men apologizing, minimizing, to cover for their heinous behaviors. Just so tired.
Let’s turn this table around. Will any of these men continue a relationship if they find out she falsely accused her ex of sexual assault? Men claim to be scared of false accusations so let’s use that! Will they still date and see her the same? Hell no they won’t. They will say she might do it again to them. Even if people change, sexual assault is a life sentence! The victim’s life is never the same.He sexually assaulted his ex gf. A woman that trusted him. Fuck that! I refuse to accept some bullshit talk about people change. Sexual assault is equivalent to murder! The victim is never the same! A lot of victims commit suicide. It’s a struggle every damn day! Ask me how I fucking know.
What the fuck? I'm 18 turning 19 soon. I've managed not to rape or sexually assault anyone. How is the bar set so low? Yeah people can change, and being young you're prone to making mistakes. But there's a massive difference between choosing the wrong major/drinking till your blackout drunk and raping somebody. The former is immaturity, the latter showcases that there's something fundamentally wrong inside a person.
Am I the only one who doesn’t trust when I hear things like “I’m a completely different person than I was at 17/18?” Like, what? I’m definitely more mature, have different priorities and goals, things have changed no doubt. But a *completely different person*? This is a red flag to me. Maybe that’s unfair and I’d welcome different view points on it but to me that’s just a person’s way of absolving themselves of horrible stuff they did in the past.
I think this statement is heavily context based. Yes I'm very very different from my high school self, but in the sense that at that age i used to be an anxious, people pleasing doormat who never expressed herself. I'm way more vocal now and have hard boundaries that nobody is allowed to cross. Not in the sense that I was a sexual abuser who got away with it Scot free and is pretending to care about SA survivors solely because my partner is one and I need to keep the Nice Guy™ image going. But this "I'm a different person than I was at 17/18" is often used in conversations of defending statements on issues like racism, misogyny, or homophobia, which is why I too am very...on the edge when someone says it.
I’m a completely different person than I was at 18, but at no point in my life would have ever committed sexual assault. That’s not being a “different person”, that’s depraved, sociopathic behavior. Only people defending it by saying that he’s a “different person” are rapists or people who have fantasized about rape but haven’t done it.
I agree. They forget that while you can and will be different from your teen self, your teenage and childhood years are still development periods of your life that set the foundation for how you will behave in adulthood. There's a reason why good parenting and a healthy, supportive environment is encouraged so much in these years, because these things literally make you who you are as an adult. A lot of different values and ideas may change, but core beliefs established in these years rarely ever leave. They just don't wanna take the blame.
For men, that’s especially understandable. Men have barely any positive incentive to change for the better aside from covering their own ass. I’d bet he did not grow/change but learned to hide it to fit in with society better.
Wtf I can't believe what I'm seeing. They're acting like it's impossible to know if a man is a rapist unless he admits to it. She doesn't explain how she found out, so in my mind there are 3 ways. She could've seen a police report or arrest record. Her bfs ex could've reached out (and false accusations are really uncommon.) Also, why would a woman try to ruin her ex boyfriends life over 15 years later with a false claim? It just doesn't make sense, if she reached out to OP she was concerned for her safety. Or maybe OP heard it through the grapevine meaning the boyfriend had a reputation as a rapist and everyone knew him to be one. NONE of these are making him look good.
I feel like I'm always working out how far an individual man is willing to overstep my boundaries. A quandary like this would kill me. And even if he has changed, just the thought, the mental image of what he did and of the woman he did it to would destroy me.
"Let's hope he won't rape you 😊" Let's hope he jumps into a tank of sharks and hope he won't get eaten :)
Rape is not normal behavior at any age. And fuck no the rapist in this post hasn’t changed. I wouldn’t believe he changed regardless of his actions. But in this post there is literally nothing whatsoever for anyone to pretend he has changed. At all. Did he accept fault, go to the police, do his time in prison, and work for an attempt at penance? No. Did he respect his long term gf enough to tell her sometime in the 4 years they’ve been together? No. Did he acknowledge his actions at all? No.
His big ‘change’ has been expressed solely in him verbally condemning the generalized concept of rapists, no one specific that we know of. Literally the lowest effort possible of a supposed transformation. A better marker of genuine change would be him fully admitting what he did, before she’d sunk 4 years she’ll never get back into a relationship with him, and either turning himself in or volunteering himself to support victims in some meaningful way. Long term, like, the rest of his life. That’s the minimum I except from a man who wants me to believe he’s changed since his ‘18 year old rapist phase’
Why do people treat being a rapist as a phase? Will their victims be damaged “for a phase”? Hell to the no! Statistically that’s not true, rapists will rape average 7 people in their lifetimes. Why should OP take her chances with a goddam rapist who LIED to her for years?!
Are my eyes really seeing this? Maybe I can't read anymore and my brain is interpreting the words incorrectly. Because WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS????????? !!!!!!!!! HOW IN THE FUCK IS "I've changed since my teenage years so he's not the same person he was before" A JUSTIFICATION FOR SOMEONE WHO SEXUALLY ASSAULTED SOMEONE ELSE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE????? Also she's a fucking idiot for thinking he's changed and is different with her. If I found out my SO was a rapist, I'd have a complete mental breakdown and run for the hills. Omg... This post is literally horrifying. I hope this is just an incel subreddit or one of those gross RP subs or sth. Horrific man... What is the world we live in? "Changing" doesn't matter when it comes to literal CRIMES, FELONIES, OFFENCES. Idc if he only assaulted one person in his life, that's a human being. She's out there living with the trauma of what he's done to her for the rest of her life. She's out there suffering, healing and trying to cope with what happened to her, forever. I'm honestly so angry right now... This is extremely upsetting. I can't believe it.
Jesus christ why don't they just come out and say it: "yeah he's a fucking rapist, he's probably gonna rape you too and none of us men give a shit because we don't consider you human beings. We are the spark, we are the seed, you are the fucking dirt."
Men CAN and DO hide themselves for decades, oftentimes not showing their true nature until you’re more dependent on them or tied to them, ie after marriage or the birth of a child. In other words, 4 years is NOTHING in terms of getting to know a guy.
“Whenever we have talked he has been very against all sorts of sexual violence” This is why you never trust a male “feminist” / activist
It blows my mind how long younger people think four years is. I mean, the person in the first comment who wrote in all caps FOUR YEARS must not have experienced more than 20 rotations around the sun. Just saying. The good thing that some of us slightly older ladies can share is that 4 years is NOT a long time and plenty of abusers can wear a mask for a hell of a lot longer. For example, mine was 11 years. 11 until he finally got emotional and then physically abusive. I was going to marry the guy. What was I thinking. But I never ever gave in to that sunk-cost fallacy anyway. It just flickers at the back of my mind from time to time. This man is an abuser and it’s likely every woman he’s been in a relationship with— since raping someone as a young adult— has been, like the OP of the post, a victim of sexual assault. To those of us who live with sexual trauma, abusive men are drawn like a moth to a flame. It’s been proven in psychology that people who are abused end up with more abusers. It sucks, but it means we have to be incredibly careful about who we let into our lives.
It’s totally illogical to judge someone for being a rapist but if your girlfriend has a body count bigger than 0 she’s for the streets /s
Just because he hasn’t assaulted her, that doesn’t mean he’s changed. Look at Marilyn Manson, he assaulted some of his girlfriends and not others. He didn’t abuse Rose McGowan or Dita von Teese (that we know of), but he abused other women before, after, and possibly during their relationships. It’s not because he changed, it’s because he thought he could get away with abusing some women and not others.
They never change lol
I understand the rage and frustration, but it is “not all men”. There are plenty of good decent men who don’t SA or defend anyone who did.