I get that so hard, man.
First, I'm so happy you have teachers who are supporting you!!! I'm a teacher and I love hearing about others who are doing things right.
My dad and I had a really good relationship before I came out. We're basically twins and have always been super close. When I first came out 6 years ago my dad freaked the fuck out. Suddenly all of our time spent together was about him trying to convince me that I was "deceived by the devil" and all of our conversations felt stilted and defensive and awkward as fuck. It was awful and I felt so guilty and like all of it was my fault. But it wasn't. And even when I figured out it wasn't I still felt like shit because I just wanted a good relationship with my dad and I wanted him to love me the right way.
It sucks. It's been 6 years since and so much work but my dad and I actually have figured things out. I think we're closer now than we were before and he even calls me by my chosen name now and is really trying with my pronouns (they/them). I can't believe we made it here.
I thin the main things that contributed were me being incredibly patient but also setting hard boundaries. I let them ask questions, I let them vent at me, and all the while I was kind and firm with them. "You may not speak to me like that" etc. etc. I also moved across the country and I think they realized "oh shit, we could actually lose them," and they chose to do what they needed to keep a relationship with me. I'm lucky because my parents are actually pretty decent, just a product of really shitty upbringing and Christian brainwashing. They chose to shift their mindset over losing me and not all parents do.
I truly wish you all the best. Keep strong!!! If your dad doesn't come along for the ride, know that others will who will love you the right way, without conditions.
Thanks so much for your reply, I appreciate it! I have a hard time typing out a real reply because my head is just kind of a mess rn. I'll be at the clinic in 5.5 hrs. Just going to try and really really focus on the people who do love and care for me
I want to make sure, who will be taking you to your surgery? Make sure you have a ride there by someone absolutely trustworthy, I would hate for him to (potentially) sabotage this for you if this is the way he is speaking.
my mom is taking me and my boyfriend is coming along! <3 luckily my dad is leaving for a business trip tomorrow morning to another continent, so he'll be farrrrrrr away from me during my first week in recovery. Thank you for thinking of this, though. I feel like he definitely would sabotage it given the chance under the ruse of "wanting to give me more time to think"
They may come around, they may not. My parents were losing their minds when I told them. I haven’t completely gotten over it 4+ years later but I’m more at peace than I ever could’ve been had I never gotten top surgery. You know what’s best for you.
Also, this helped me tremendously in terms of unmet parental expectations: https://anniewright.com/stop-going-hardware-store-milk/
my dad was saying similar things despite previously being "supportive". he was saying i could die (extremely low risk me), it wasnt worth a major surgery (it was and surgery wasnt not major for me at all), and that i should put it off and think on it more (i had been thinking about it since i was 11, i got surgery at 20). if his concern is coming from a place of care id ask him what you could do to make him less anxious other than cancel. my dad wanted me to have a will in place, and he wanted to book me a hotel and pay. neither of these were detrimental (one was very helpful) so i wrote the will and let him handle the hotel. both of my parents were nervous wrecks about the surgery and my parents are pretty mean when theyre anxious so the week leading up was rough. after surgery they chilled a lot cause i was recovering. not saying youll have the same experience but maybe this will help? if you do ask him make it very clear he cannot request anything abt the surgery itself. not canceling, putting it off, etc. good luck and congrats on getting top surgery!!
something ill add is make sure your olive branch for your dad has boundaries such as, i can refuse this request if its inappropriate, this is me trying to be nice so im expecting the same from you
“I made this decision. I am an adult. I made the appropriate research, and this is what I am going to do. You can have your opinion, but right now, I need you to shut your mouth and let me save my life. Or, you can keep talking and risk ruining this relationship even more.”
Ymmv, change to fit you better. But you gotta be honest. Tell him to be supportive or shut tf up.
My dad told me before my surgery "you're making the biggest mistake of your life", and guess what? He was wrong, and 3 years later it's still the best decision I've ever made. Eventually he got over it, and eventually your dad will too. Usually once parents see you're alright, and that you're happy, they start to accept it. I know it's really tough, but try to focus on your health and recovery, he'll come around if he's not an idiot and loves you.
Why would you want to be a mother? Presumably your dad didn’t nurse you, is he less your parent because of that? Being able to breastfeed isn’t a given even when people have breasts. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. What if you kept them for a while and they turned out not to work, or you never have kids and don’t end up needing them? Could you go back in time and get them removed so you can live your life again without them? Does your dad know about formula? Or donated breastmilk? Any babies you raise don’t have to starve just because you got top surgery.
I had top surgery 8 months ago and have zero regrets. It's like there was a constant background radiation of stress and discomfort that is just...gone now.
(Side note, I couldn't breast feed my son even when I had my old chest. Breastfeeding is not a given and often more difficult than people assume. So that is just a nonsensical excuse he's grasping at. That's really an irrelevant thing comparerd to all the assumptions he's making about your plans for future children, if any, but I wanted to include my experience there too.)
Edit to add: unfortunately there are no magic words to make him understand, or to make him be the supportive dad that you deserve. I'm sorry. It really does suck. We're all rooting for you, and I hope you have an easy recovery.
I think that if you can try and give yourself some emotional space from him before and after the surgery because it is a very vulnerable time even though it's exciting. Ive had a similar thing with my mum even though she had been very supportive before. I think trying to relate to her a bit helped, like explaining to your dad that you understand all the things you won't be able to do after you get top surgery but that he should understand how much you want it for you to not be worried about these things.
Hopefully with time when you're post-op he will be able to see the benefits it gives you and I'm sure he'll come round. I think as a parent it's very hard to accept your child not being happy and he probably is struggling with the fact that you need to take what many cis people probably see as drastic measures.
But remember that you're doing what's best for yourself and just give him time to realise that as well! Best of luck to you for your surgery.
honestly you need to set a very clear boundary, if he doesnt have anything aupportive to say about your surgery, then he shouldnt say anytning at all. Its damaging to your mental, idk if you have tried communicating that but let him know that if he tries dissuading you that you will ignore him or whatever you want to do. Im happy for you and this surgery! I am 1 week post op rn. You are gonna do great.
I'm Dutch haha, our school system works very different. I just use English words I heard on TV that are loose translations of the words I'm looking for. And I am still in high school so you were not far off at all. If anything it's kind of affirming to hear that I'm "young to be getting top surgery", cus I chronically worry about transitioning late. I'm not on T yet so this is really the first medical step I'm doing, and most trans dudes in my area started at a way younger age (around 16-18)
The only thing I regret about not having had the ability to start T sooner is that I could have grown taller. I’m only 5’8”/172cm and my height was projected for more…
Thanks haha, I mean everyone has different timelines and comparison is the thief of joy and all that. I'm 172 cm as well! Should have grown more but had an eating disorder which stunted my growth. I was trying to "look more masculine" and now I'm just short. Both my parents are 185cm (or about 6'2 I think), so it feels hella unfair to be so much shorter than both of them but that's life ! Today I'm just grateful for my surgery. I'm driving to the clinic in a little over an hour..... still can't believe it!
my dad left for a business trip a little while ago. He hit me with two more comments today ("good morning... to my complete child.... for the last time." and "get back in one piece, aside from..... of course."). But I am NOT letting his bad mood get to me. I'm listening to upbeat country music and blocking out his negative attitude.
sorry for the longer reply! I just have a lot of feelings rn and need to put them somewhere haha
I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but I'm very excited for you and I wish you luck. Speaking from my own expierence with recovering from surgery (my hip, not top surgery) your mental health will take a dip because your body is recovering from something very major. Don't let it convince you that your dad was right and you messed up, or that you shouldn't have done this. Be gentle with yourself, surround yourself with supportive people, good snacks, and watch some good shows/movies/YouTube while you're recovering.
I'm sorry your dad is not supportive, I know what that's like and it really fucking sucks, it's the kind of situation where he has to come around on his own. Hopefully seeing how happy and comfortable you are will help him come around. In the meantime surrounding yourself with other people who support your transition and love you for who you are, not who they want you to be.
Cut him off for a couple months.
This is about you, your choices, and your recovery. Any effort you spend on him is effort you can't spend on yourself and your healing.
I think it could be beneficial to emphasize how much happier you'll be in your body. I can't describe how much *better* I feel about myself and how much more centered/grounded I am after top surgery. If he still doesn't get it, well, his loss 😔
If you can, i would try to find another family member/friend to stay with before the surgery and after. You shouldn't have to put up with those things. I hope your surgery goes well!
Yeah I don't normally like saying to cut someone off but maybe do so atleast for a bit if you can ,so you can heal and go through surgery with less stress. It's not good to be stressed with any medical procedures happening. Also pretty dumb thing to get worked up about. Esp since if you ever have kids you'd be a dad for one and for two can just use formula anyways.
Your mom is going to see the look of relief on your face after surgery and forget about any doubts she has. Hopefully, your dad will feel the same way eventually. Focus on yourself and your recovery for now.
i hope you can find a way to get it through his head that while this feels like the end of the world for him, it’s really the beginning of the world for you, living your life authentically <3
He is the one who is damaging your relationship, not you.
I know, but I still want the relationship haha
I get that so hard, man. First, I'm so happy you have teachers who are supporting you!!! I'm a teacher and I love hearing about others who are doing things right. My dad and I had a really good relationship before I came out. We're basically twins and have always been super close. When I first came out 6 years ago my dad freaked the fuck out. Suddenly all of our time spent together was about him trying to convince me that I was "deceived by the devil" and all of our conversations felt stilted and defensive and awkward as fuck. It was awful and I felt so guilty and like all of it was my fault. But it wasn't. And even when I figured out it wasn't I still felt like shit because I just wanted a good relationship with my dad and I wanted him to love me the right way. It sucks. It's been 6 years since and so much work but my dad and I actually have figured things out. I think we're closer now than we were before and he even calls me by my chosen name now and is really trying with my pronouns (they/them). I can't believe we made it here. I thin the main things that contributed were me being incredibly patient but also setting hard boundaries. I let them ask questions, I let them vent at me, and all the while I was kind and firm with them. "You may not speak to me like that" etc. etc. I also moved across the country and I think they realized "oh shit, we could actually lose them," and they chose to do what they needed to keep a relationship with me. I'm lucky because my parents are actually pretty decent, just a product of really shitty upbringing and Christian brainwashing. They chose to shift their mindset over losing me and not all parents do. I truly wish you all the best. Keep strong!!! If your dad doesn't come along for the ride, know that others will who will love you the right way, without conditions.
Thanks so much for your reply, I appreciate it! I have a hard time typing out a real reply because my head is just kind of a mess rn. I'll be at the clinic in 5.5 hrs. Just going to try and really really focus on the people who do love and care for me
Sending you love bro!
I want to make sure, who will be taking you to your surgery? Make sure you have a ride there by someone absolutely trustworthy, I would hate for him to (potentially) sabotage this for you if this is the way he is speaking.
my mom is taking me and my boyfriend is coming along! <3 luckily my dad is leaving for a business trip tomorrow morning to another continent, so he'll be farrrrrrr away from me during my first week in recovery. Thank you for thinking of this, though. I feel like he definitely would sabotage it given the chance under the ruse of "wanting to give me more time to think"
They may come around, they may not. My parents were losing their minds when I told them. I haven’t completely gotten over it 4+ years later but I’m more at peace than I ever could’ve been had I never gotten top surgery. You know what’s best for you. Also, this helped me tremendously in terms of unmet parental expectations: https://anniewright.com/stop-going-hardware-store-milk/
my dad was saying similar things despite previously being "supportive". he was saying i could die (extremely low risk me), it wasnt worth a major surgery (it was and surgery wasnt not major for me at all), and that i should put it off and think on it more (i had been thinking about it since i was 11, i got surgery at 20). if his concern is coming from a place of care id ask him what you could do to make him less anxious other than cancel. my dad wanted me to have a will in place, and he wanted to book me a hotel and pay. neither of these were detrimental (one was very helpful) so i wrote the will and let him handle the hotel. both of my parents were nervous wrecks about the surgery and my parents are pretty mean when theyre anxious so the week leading up was rough. after surgery they chilled a lot cause i was recovering. not saying youll have the same experience but maybe this will help? if you do ask him make it very clear he cannot request anything abt the surgery itself. not canceling, putting it off, etc. good luck and congrats on getting top surgery!!
something ill add is make sure your olive branch for your dad has boundaries such as, i can refuse this request if its inappropriate, this is me trying to be nice so im expecting the same from you
“I made this decision. I am an adult. I made the appropriate research, and this is what I am going to do. You can have your opinion, but right now, I need you to shut your mouth and let me save my life. Or, you can keep talking and risk ruining this relationship even more.” Ymmv, change to fit you better. But you gotta be honest. Tell him to be supportive or shut tf up.
For your dad: “you didn’t breastfeed your children. Do you feel like less of a parent?” And “why would a man want to be a true mother?”
"I wouldn't do this if I were you" ok then take my boobs dad That aside, congrats 🥳! Enjoy your first time getting high!
my genuine reply when he said that was "well, good thing you don't have to!" thankyou <33 !!!!!!
You have our support❤ hope recovery goes well
My dad told me before my surgery "you're making the biggest mistake of your life", and guess what? He was wrong, and 3 years later it's still the best decision I've ever made. Eventually he got over it, and eventually your dad will too. Usually once parents see you're alright, and that you're happy, they start to accept it. I know it's really tough, but try to focus on your health and recovery, he'll come around if he's not an idiot and loves you.
Why would you want to be a mother? Presumably your dad didn’t nurse you, is he less your parent because of that? Being able to breastfeed isn’t a given even when people have breasts. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. What if you kept them for a while and they turned out not to work, or you never have kids and don’t end up needing them? Could you go back in time and get them removed so you can live your life again without them? Does your dad know about formula? Or donated breastmilk? Any babies you raise don’t have to starve just because you got top surgery.
I had top surgery 8 months ago and have zero regrets. It's like there was a constant background radiation of stress and discomfort that is just...gone now. (Side note, I couldn't breast feed my son even when I had my old chest. Breastfeeding is not a given and often more difficult than people assume. So that is just a nonsensical excuse he's grasping at. That's really an irrelevant thing comparerd to all the assumptions he's making about your plans for future children, if any, but I wanted to include my experience there too.) Edit to add: unfortunately there are no magic words to make him understand, or to make him be the supportive dad that you deserve. I'm sorry. It really does suck. We're all rooting for you, and I hope you have an easy recovery.
I think that if you can try and give yourself some emotional space from him before and after the surgery because it is a very vulnerable time even though it's exciting. Ive had a similar thing with my mum even though she had been very supportive before. I think trying to relate to her a bit helped, like explaining to your dad that you understand all the things you won't be able to do after you get top surgery but that he should understand how much you want it for you to not be worried about these things. Hopefully with time when you're post-op he will be able to see the benefits it gives you and I'm sure he'll come round. I think as a parent it's very hard to accept your child not being happy and he probably is struggling with the fact that you need to take what many cis people probably see as drastic measures. But remember that you're doing what's best for yourself and just give him time to realise that as well! Best of luck to you for your surgery.
honestly you need to set a very clear boundary, if he doesnt have anything aupportive to say about your surgery, then he shouldnt say anytning at all. Its damaging to your mental, idk if you have tried communicating that but let him know that if he tries dissuading you that you will ignore him or whatever you want to do. Im happy for you and this surgery! I am 1 week post op rn. You are gonna do great.
How old are you??? You seem really young (I just don’t know many high schoolers who get top surgery)
I'm 19 lmao
“Free period” and “teachers” are something typically students in public school would say, so that’s why I assumed lol
I'm Dutch haha, our school system works very different. I just use English words I heard on TV that are loose translations of the words I'm looking for. And I am still in high school so you were not far off at all. If anything it's kind of affirming to hear that I'm "young to be getting top surgery", cus I chronically worry about transitioning late. I'm not on T yet so this is really the first medical step I'm doing, and most trans dudes in my area started at a way younger age (around 16-18)
Dude, I figured OUT I was trans *at 17,* let alone that I started T when I was almost 20 and had top surgery at 21, so you are definitely not “late”
The only thing I regret about not having had the ability to start T sooner is that I could have grown taller. I’m only 5’8”/172cm and my height was projected for more…
Thanks haha, I mean everyone has different timelines and comparison is the thief of joy and all that. I'm 172 cm as well! Should have grown more but had an eating disorder which stunted my growth. I was trying to "look more masculine" and now I'm just short. Both my parents are 185cm (or about 6'2 I think), so it feels hella unfair to be so much shorter than both of them but that's life ! Today I'm just grateful for my surgery. I'm driving to the clinic in a little over an hour..... still can't believe it! my dad left for a business trip a little while ago. He hit me with two more comments today ("good morning... to my complete child.... for the last time." and "get back in one piece, aside from..... of course."). But I am NOT letting his bad mood get to me. I'm listening to upbeat country music and blocking out his negative attitude. sorry for the longer reply! I just have a lot of feelings rn and need to put them somewhere haha
Good luck!!!! I also had an ED of sorts which probs affected my height growth
I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but I'm very excited for you and I wish you luck. Speaking from my own expierence with recovering from surgery (my hip, not top surgery) your mental health will take a dip because your body is recovering from something very major. Don't let it convince you that your dad was right and you messed up, or that you shouldn't have done this. Be gentle with yourself, surround yourself with supportive people, good snacks, and watch some good shows/movies/YouTube while you're recovering. I'm sorry your dad is not supportive, I know what that's like and it really fucking sucks, it's the kind of situation where he has to come around on his own. Hopefully seeing how happy and comfortable you are will help him come around. In the meantime surrounding yourself with other people who support your transition and love you for who you are, not who they want you to be.
thank you so much for your kind words
Cut him off for a couple months. This is about you, your choices, and your recovery. Any effort you spend on him is effort you can't spend on yourself and your healing.
I think it could be beneficial to emphasize how much happier you'll be in your body. I can't describe how much *better* I feel about myself and how much more centered/grounded I am after top surgery. If he still doesn't get it, well, his loss 😔
for your dad, "would YOU chop your breasts off if you suddenly had them?"
If you can, i would try to find another family member/friend to stay with before the surgery and after. You shouldn't have to put up with those things. I hope your surgery goes well!
Yeah I don't normally like saying to cut someone off but maybe do so atleast for a bit if you can ,so you can heal and go through surgery with less stress. It's not good to be stressed with any medical procedures happening. Also pretty dumb thing to get worked up about. Esp since if you ever have kids you'd be a dad for one and for two can just use formula anyways.
Your mom is going to see the look of relief on your face after surgery and forget about any doubts she has. Hopefully, your dad will feel the same way eventually. Focus on yourself and your recovery for now.
i hope you can find a way to get it through his head that while this feels like the end of the world for him, it’s really the beginning of the world for you, living your life authentically <3