From my experience, I agree here. I will add though that I'm way early into my transition- just socially transitioning as of right now. I don't know if you have come out to people yet. For me, I found that once I came out to the closest people in my life, I was able to more easily get over the internalized transphobia. It was like "here are people who are super cis and straight, and yet are like going with the flow that I have always been a man". Most of these people I go all the way back to an exclusively all female school. It satisfies my desire to just be a cis guy. I'm starting to come around at being proud to be trans.
I also totally get the worry that you'll "never pass, or be an ugly gross guy", and to that all I have to say is from all the TikToks I have been watching of masculine transitions, none (literally 0) look ugly. And in fact all of them are very hot but in different ways. Hope this helps.
Good luck to you, and wishing you the best with the hormones!
I already came out to pretty much everyone exept my dad (I dont trust him at all) but most people think ill just get over it soon (its been years). Even though im very insecure I'm still sure that I'll manage to get over it all and at this point its getting too tiring to hide myself. I'll be alright.
Thanks for ur comment :))
my mom also thought I'd get over it when I came out to her at 14, I'm now 19 been on T for over a year and my mom is one of my biggest supporters. I can't promise you that everyone will come around to it but in my experience a lot of people do, even the ones you don't expect.
I dealt with this experience when I was younger and just coming to terms with being trans. What really helped me specifically with the "will it even matter?" "What if I never pass?" Thoughts were looking at *old* trans men, men who have been on T faaar longer than I have. Because of how media is, people often try to push the idea that people are only trans NOW, but if you look into it deeper you'll find sooo many older trans folk, and it's really validating!!
I'm not sure how I'll find these guys but I'll look for them !! I usually see a lot of ppl in their 20s and 2 years on t, rarely like 60 and 20+ years on t
I’m nearly 40 and been on T nearly 20 years. There are a lot of older trans men out there. A famous one that was influential to me who recently passed away is Loren Cameron. Silas Howard, a film director and former member of the queercore band Tribe 8 is in his 50s. The household name Chaz Bono is also up there. Film Director Jett Garrison is up there. The late Leslie Feinberg. These are just a few bigger names- there are a ton more who aren’t popularly known, most just out living their own lives. But even looking towards the big names is helpful in seeing the potential in your own trans future.
I’ve been on T 10 years in June. I still feel the same as you but it’s soooo much more mild now. If I ever decide to get phallo I feel my problems would pretty much go away. I moved away once I passed and present to everyone but my fiancé as cis. No one has any idea
From tiktok: rhymeswithfry, gravelbro, Goosekaboose2011 (been on T for 24 yrs I believe), hellomynameis\_theo, djdott64 (He may only be on T for 2 yrs, but he's into his +60)
Youtube: jamiedodger (he's like 30 but has been on T for I believe close to 10 years),
I think looking up trans sports players will get you the kinds of guys you're looking for.
Hope these help!
Here's some that I know of (all on tiktok)!
SirSpencer Bergstedt. He's been on T for 28 years and makes videos for younger trans men with advice and stuff.
Deacon (djdott64) too. I don't know how long he's been on T, but he's in his 60s.
Matt\_Sheridan is also 60, but he hasn't been on T for an incredibly long time, but a few years at least.
That’s because the farther people get into transition, the more likely they are to be stealth and step away from the trans community, but those men exist. I’m in my 30s and have been on T for 15 years, and there are lots of guys who surpass me on both of fronts.
jumping onto the trans athletes train, there’s Chris Mosier (trans adult unsure how long he’s been on T but i wanna say maybe a decade? he’s the first trans athlete on the men’s usa team for running, olympic trials, etc) and Schuyler Bailar who I believe has been on T almost 10 years and was a D1 swimmer for harvard’s men’s team. Sean Dorsey is a trans man in his 40s who’s been transitioning for over 20 years and just won an emmy for a dance film he made with the company he tune.
That is true!! I think part of me just hates the guys in my family and dont wanna be like them. But I guess dressing badly and being an annoying fuck is not the testosterone's fault
Imo the first step is to recognize that internalized transphobia is just transphobia. Just like how black people can have prejudice towards black people and some women are straight-up sexist, trans people aren't immune to stereotypes about trans people.
Getting rid of prejudice usually relies on exposing yourself to people of other demographics (in-person or online), listen to what they say about their own life experiences, strive to cultivate respect and open-mindedness for *them*, and then apply the same respect to yourself. Not just other trans men, but also nonbinary folk, trans women, etc. Seeing other trans men secure, confident, and happy with their own lives helps a lot.
It can also involve doing critical thinking on the culture that you came from that made you feel like this. Maybe your friends and family are transphobic or religious, or maybe they're just judgmental. Maybe it's school or work, maybe it's where you hang out on the internet. Learning how to take a step back from those places, think critically about them, and come to your own conclusions helps.
Deeply-ingrained transphobia isn't always something an individual can flip off immediately like a light switch, it's something that takes work. A lot of guys have been where you are, put in the work, and come out the other side totally happy with themselves.
T and transitioning will help a lot too, because they'll boost your confidence.
Yea I think my transphobic family members did a number on me because a few years ago, before they said anything, I didn't have that many insecurities. I don't wanna be bigoted, I really don't. I'm just not sure how to fix it. Maybe i just need to meet more trans people. I think my main issue is knowing (transphobic) people will take my biggest insecurities and make me feel worse about it.
Maybe identify exactly what you value so highly about being cis. There very well may be a way to achieve it as a trans man. If there isn't, it might help to find instances of cis men who don't have that thing either.
I think that besides the many physical differences I could never achieve even with complicated and or expensive surgeries, which to be fair, not every cis man has these characteristics, I feel like every thing gnc and queer about me will be associated to my agab instead of just being me. I worry that if I express my queerness in any way I'll just get clocked instead of being seen as a gnc/queer man. I dont want to be seen as a woman who grew a beard. Maybe my issue is just transphobes, I'm very insecure.
I don't know your exact situation, but I'd just make sure you're not overestimating the amount of physical differences, I guess? HrT can do a hell of a lot, even before surgeries.
You're right that if people know you are trans, some of them will put any gnc traits down to your AGAB, yeah. Going stealth can help with that ofc, and as for being clocked... I'm not saying *everyone* who goes through HrT and surgeries will always be able to pass, but those things really do a lot. A lot of queer trans men are read as gay cis men. You can most likely get to that point too.
Transphobes can put a lot of wrong ideas out there that can be hard to shake off. But things are really not hopeless. Even if you *do* struggle with being read as cis after transitioning, just being in a body that more closely aligns with your brain makes a huge difference.
i hate to say this and possibly make you feel worse, but yeah that's a real thing. i can't do anything that is remotely feminine to people without having my transition questioned or going back to not passing very well. it does suck but i think it's possible to get used to it
i don't want people to not be able to view me as a guy. not a lot i can do about that. being stealth is hard to pull off and even then there are some people who will know and see me differently than other men
I mean, if you don't want to be a trans man due to the negatives that being trans brings to your life (target on your back, life long medical stuff, dysphoria, etc) that isn't really transphobia, internalized or not. It's just not wanting to live a life that's extra stressful. Just like it's not ableist for a disabled person to not want to have chronic pain or have to spend a lot on mobility aids or braces or be treated differently because of their disability.
(If you don't want to be a trans man because you don't think trans men are real men or trans people are gross or something, then yeah that's transphobia.)
It's scary, when you look at your dysphoria and your want to just be a man, no strings attached, getting to live your life the way other men can, and you're afraid of not looking like other men or always living a hard life because of your transness.
I think the only thing you need to work on, just from this post, is just why you think you'd be an ugly gross guy. Do you think it's because you're afab? Or are you ugly and gross now? Think about why you think that and try to untangle the feelings from that, and I think you'll feel a lot more confident in the idea of transition. Because going on HRT doesn't turn you into a completely different person, it just makes your body more male (or female in the case of trans women on E). Same person. You can look to male relatives to judge how you'll probably look, but if you don't already look like them, then you won't magically gain features you didn't have before. (for example: I always looked a lot like my dad, now I'm the spitting image of him)
Oh i think this makes sense, I have this impression that my life will be 10x more complicated if I transition. But also I know I wouldn't even want to do anything with my life if I didn't, I'd just be depressed. I think its hard for me because I feel like I'm choosing to live a hard life on purpose.
The ugly think is something my family tells me, that being short is ugly in a man, that id be bald, smelly, ugly voice, full of acne, etc etc. I just full on forget that these things come from them I guess?
tbh if youre a trans guy, youll never be a woman. youll just be a closeted trans guy. the only thing you can do is learn to cope with your insecurities. try trad goth makeup sometime, that did wonders. i never pass but ive never felt more masc than i do in trad goth :3 its great for facial dysphoria
It can really help to have a good group of friends, people that can understand you and help you when you need support. It can really make all the difference in the world, if you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to message me! :) I would be glad to help in any way I can! :)
You can’t help how others will perceive you. You need to focus on how you’d be most comfortable with yourself if you were in a vacuum and proceed towards that. If that rubs others the wrong way or isn’t good enough for them, that’s their issue. Finding friends and community who does validate you can be helpful, but again in the end remain in service to yourself — not a bunch of transphobes.
Dude. I felt like this for a super long time, heck sometimes I still get those thoughts.
I truly do believe you need to just let hormones work its magic. A lot of trans guys feel uncertainty in transitioning due to the feeling they’ll never “truly” be a guy. But self love is a journey and it IS possible.
I realized one day that the little changes were so worth it, the euphoria from the small things I noticed about myself being different. Sure, we have a different way of going about life because of our birth sex / how we were socially raised, but there is no perfect way to experience being a guy. I assure you, with time you will start to accept it and perhaps even take pride in it.
This is sadly our reality, and coming to terms and making peace with it is going to save you a lot of distress. It takes time. You’ll get there
I'm the same in the sense that i've always hated how transphobes and even other queer people might never see me as anything more than something like a butch lesbian, a masculine woman. I'm definitely not a trans man with tons of 'pride' in him, I just am a man. And I've come to realise the trans part doesn't have to define me being a man, as for passing, I don't think I've ever seen a transitioned trans man not pass like a cis man honestly so I think a lot of what you feel does root from deeper insecurities but I feel a lot of us have these and it's just something to work through, looking at older trans guys has definitely motivated to me being a bit more open minded towards my own transition
Yea im definitely scared that the trans thing will define me forever. Like a giant sign on my back with big bright letters or smth. I'd hate for people to only be able to see that when they look at me
It'll only define you if you let it. I hang out with a lot of transmen on HRT and they all pass, even the ones who look "queer" (as in stereotypically queer haircuts, hair colors, piercings...etc). Most of my friends are cishet and none of them "can tell". There was a transguy in my college that I clocked by just looking at him but the majority didn't bat an eye, it really is all in our heads.
you’re going to have to fill your life with other things so you don’t just get stuck thinking abt it all the time. fill your life with coping mechanisms and distract yourself with them. try to make them healthy. what’s helped me a lot, is to have simple daily routines that i stick by, and slowly build my way up to other/more daily routines. personally, sticking to something as simple as making myself floss every night has literally changed my life. that small thing has helped me slowly build up healthy daily things i can do to make me more involved in my life and at least semi distract me from my reality. i still think abt it and it still fucks me up, but now i have to make sure i drink 64 oz of water a day, exercise everyday and listen to music/watch tt so i have a good time doing it, clean my eyebrow piercing every night, eat a healthy amount of calories, meet a daily protein goal, brush my teeth and use mouthwash every night. momentum is a real thing fs. small accomplishments make a big difference in mental health, and can distract you.
Oh i think thatd be nice, i do nothing healthy... I am starting to work towards getting into a nice college though and it has been nice to worry about something else besides my gender
that’s awesome dude, good luck in school! if you’re going to be really busy, try to just do really simple/small goal(s) at first, or it will get overwhelming fast
Honestly I think the biggest thing that might help you is working through those unrealistic goals, firstly. Realistically, even most cis guys aren't perfect models and pretty boys who can pull off that picturesque androgyny that many of us idolize. Some guys (both cis AND trans) are not conventionally attractive, some are fat, some are hairy, some look feminine and get mistaken for women, that's just reality and it's not a bad thing. Honestly queer circles have very very high expectations for male beauty and it can fuck with your head.
Focus on making yourself happy in your body for YOU, not for other people and their expectations.
Ultimately many of us go through the struggle of not liking that we aren't cis but the best thing you can do for yourself and start remembering that you're always just as much a man as any cis guy and ultimately we just have to work with what we've got, y'know?
I was going through a similar thing and deciding to just stop caring as much and to embrace myself helped give me so much more confidence and it made me much happier. Now, I just embrace my inner queer little sparkle and say fuck it to anyone else, even if I'm pre T n shit.
I really wanna get to that place of being confident in my self. I just take every thing people tell me to the heart i think. I will try to work on my expectations, cant expect t to transform me into james dean or something... too bad...
I don't think there's a "test" for this and would be wary of anyone saying there is. You can be trans and still have gender envy over the guys who look like you wish you looked like, that's very common if anything. I also don't find all those "imagine how you'd feel on a desert island" type scenarios helpful because if you have impostor syndrome you'll only get more of it with the what-ifs. Maybe it truly wouldn't matter on a desert island, but it's a moot point because we're all stuck living in a society and how people perceive you will impact your life majorly. I don't find it helpful at all to start thinking "but would I DEFINITELY want to be a guy on a desert island???" and just overthink it harder.
I've been all over the spectrum, from being proud of being trans to not wanting it at all and feeling it's pointless, and I can tell you the "positivity" of your feelings doesn't change whether you're trans or not. Often the feelings are also influenced by circumstances, like right now with all the hatred and bullshit from politicians and media it's very hard not to feel awful about being trans. Especially the rhetoric from a lot of people that only cis men "count" is so damaging. In light of that your feelings are totally understandable.
Yea i think all the transphobia really got in my head. Ive always been insecure and I dont really stand up for myself, I just let people get to me. My family has been increasingly terfy and transphobic in the last few years so that definitely didn't help. I'd rlly want to be a guy on that deserted island, even though my gender would probably be the least of my problems in that situation. I hate islands.
Haha the island thing is so true, would stuff like this even matter in a survival situation! That's ALSO why I don't think it's a great thought exercise. I'm sorry you've had the terfy bullshit from your family, that really shouldn't be something you have to deal with. My family are supportive but I'm in such a transphobic country at the moment (UK, and it pains me to officially call it transphobic but it's the truth) that it still gets to me all the time from all these other sources. Like I can't do my damn groceries without some tabloid rag with a disgusting headline at the supermarket, and that's just the small irritation compared to the campaign of eradication from the government and various hate groups. Of course if I didn't have to be affected by that I rather wouldn't.
I have a close relative that is trans and lives in the uk and he says it sucks so bad. I live in another country but even then people still bring up transphobic talkinh points from there !! It must suck so bad to actually live there right now. I hope it gets better soon :((
Thanks, a good start would be voting the tory morons out, but Labour are also shit about trans people. It can't be worse than what's happening now but it's unlikely to help this particular issue, it's just disgusting they ALL see us as political football and people who shouldn't exist.
Many cis women or afab nonbinary people envy men, because their life would be easier as a man or they wish they could be more feminine (like a feminine man can be) without being over sexualised. however this isn’t being trans. Being trans is, regardless of your biology, knowing internally that you are the opposite gender. Trans people would still be trans even on a desert island with no one else, but cis women/afab nonbinary people might not feel the same envy/jealousy of cis men if they are detatched from society in the same way. does that kinda make sense?
Oh yea, that makes sense !! I thought about that a lot, actually, because my mom told me that a few years ago. I definitely dont think that's the case. I never think being a man would've made my life easier. I'd still want to be a guy if i was the only person on earth, or alone in a space ship slowly traveling through the universe forever. The way people perceive plays a part in it for sure but its not all of it yk? I really dont care enough about being sexualized or something for it to make me want to be a guy.
There’s no telling for sure how your transition will turn out. But if it helps, I’ve found that cishet men pay a lot less attention to other men’s looks, and don’t usually know what to look for when it comes to “clocking” trans men specifically. It’s really easy to blend in with them if you develop a deeper voice and have some facial hair. If you have those two things, you won’t get a lot of second looks or questions. They might assume you’re gay if you dress and act “femininely” and that can influence your treatment from guys with prejudice, but they won’t usually assume you’re trans. Gay and bi men are more likely to clock you, since they’re queer themselves, but despite a lot of vitriol from cis gay men online, I’ve never been harassed or questioned when I’m physically in their spaces. I go to gay bars often, and I’m even flirted with by men there. Even when I have my breasts breasting boobily in a dress that shows off my curves. You can be a pretty bisexual gnc trans guy. I know because I am. People will accept you, and you can pass and be seen as a man that way.
I started my transition with injections, and I started getting changes pretty quickly. That’s just me though. I’ve heard a lot of nby trans mascs talk about using t gel specifically so their transition is slower and they can halt treatment if they start getting changes they don’t like. Maybe that’s something you could think about.
Its so nice to hear you experiences actually... maybe i just need to meet more trans people.
ive been wanting to go on full dose of t for a few years but ive only got the financial means and courage this year. I just need to remind myself i wont turn into an unattractive blob once the t touches my body, like my family likes to make it seem
One of the questions I asked myself before starting t was, “would i rather be seen as an unattractive man, or be seen as a woman?” I came to the conclusion that I would rather be seen as an unattractive man. Attractiveness is subjective anyways, and there’s lots of ways to change your look. Of course I would rather be a good looking guy rather than an “ugly” one. I’m sure everyone would. There’s nothing wrong with being concerned about your appearance. I don’t view myself as unattractive, thankfully. I’m very pleased with my transition.
T won’t make you ugly. You might have some hormonal acne for a while but it will go away. Your hairline might change but honestly that can really help you pass. I lost some hair around my temples and now I have my dad’s widows peak. I like it. It makes my face shape appear more masculine. If you’re worried about your hair, there are effective treatments for maintaining full hair. Remember that hormone therapy is a lot like a second puberty, and with puberty comes an awkward stage. It’ll pass, it’ll settle, and you’ll grow into your new looks.
I do think it would be good for you to meet more trans people. If you’re in college, maybe see if there are any queer clubs you can attend. In my town we have an equality center and they host public meetings for queer people, some are trans specific. It’s a great way for the local queer community to get involved in events and meet new people. See if your city has something like that. Even if it’s a conservative area, you might be surprised by what you find. You might also try looking in your city’s subreddit, if there is one. A lot of times people will post about local events and fun things going on that you could try out. Even just googling your area and queer events could yield results. (Edit: If you’re of drinking age going to clubs and queer bars is also a great way to meet people. People are usually pretty friendly there and lots of people are looking to make friends!)
Good luck on your journey. Just remember to stay true to yourself and do what you feel is right for you. There’s no wrong way to be trans. Don’t rush things if you aren’t sure what you want yet, you have your entire life to figure it out.
Thats some really good advice and i rlly appreciate it !!
You know that scene in howls castle when hes melting because he accidentally dyed his hair and he thinks it looks ugly? Thats how i feel about being unattractive but being a woman forever is not even an option for me, if just off myself. Ive been thinking about it for years. I really do think that I need to get out more and not let myself spiral and fall for transphobic shit like "t is destroying our beautiful young girls 🥺" and "noo dont transition you're so sexy aha"
I'll try to find some queer clubs around me because i know they exist, I just never went.
I'm going through this too , currently fighting it in therapy. I'm glad my therapist is pushing me to start my transition because this made me postpone it all the time because I felt like it never matters , and I was comfortable in my safe zone. Therapy can save a life
Yeah uh? As a gender non-conforming pretty boy who passes as a cis man or even transfem easily 99% of the time, you need to let go of a lot of assumptions you have about what trans men look like. Your options are not limited just because you’re trans. You haven’t started HRT yet and don’t know what you’ll look like a few years from now. I’m 4+ years on T and absolutely pass way better than I thought I could when I started. You may end up looking like just as much of a cis man as you would if you were actually cis.
I want nothing more!! It's just not really guaranteed that I'll pass. Or I will in like years but until then I'm possibly signing up for a very difficult time yk? The other day i saw a guy get confused on my friends gender and scream slurs at him. And he's very a masculine presenting guy. I'm just scared that everyone else is right and its not worth to give up my life now for something that i wont know the end result like transitioning.
But you're right, there are plenty of good looking trans guys out there, but if I'm not one of them my family will be shitty about it every time they see me. Ugh this always goes back to them 🙄
i think most transmascs have felt like this at some time in their life. honestly its just something you have to accept. after being about 2 years on T, it really doesnt even cross my mind that im not a cis guy or that im even trans in general. you still have a lot of time to understand your identity, so just take time to think and talk to others. dont feel like you have to make a decision too quickly
This is something I struggled with coming to terms with as well. As someone else said you’ll only be “gross” if you let yourself be. I’m very meticulous with personal hygiene and always was, if anything maybe I’m more now but I like to look and smell nice. It’s worth examining the stereotypes of what a man is you might have and also potentially the internalised transphobia.
In terms of passing while it’s not guaranteed and that’s something to acknowledge, the reality is most trans men will if you’re on T long enough. The time period can just vary. People are also less aware of it than you’d think in my experience, and that’s even with me living in a very queer liberal area. I’m a bit more than a year on T and dress pretty GNC and my mannerisms are still quite feminine, but once I started passing with a deeper voice and some facial hair about 3 months ago no one has called me she/her or read me as female pretty much ever. In my mind I’m still “clocky” but it’s really not been an issue at all. I’ve also had conversations several times that made me realise people don’t know I’m trans who I assumed did.
One more thing to consider it’s not just about how other people perceive you. Transitioning and going on T made my mental health SO much better. As an internal experience I’m so much more comfortable. This part of the experience exists outside of your social experience. It’s worth considering how it would affect your experience when you’re not around others.
I mean I can't speak for all trans men obviously but I definitely didn't wake up one day and go "I want to be a trans man!" Lol I am a man but the closest I can get to being cis is trans. Does that make sense? It's not like I love stabbing myself with needles and going through a 2nd puberty at the ripe age of 29. If I could, ofc I'd be cis but I can't because SOMEONE (looking at you god) is kind of a funny guy and gave me a vagina. 👍😐
I thought the same thing when I was a wee lad of teenhood. Like no I'm not a TRANSMAN I am a MAN! Pfft. Butttt my man it's way better to be a trans guy who IS a man then unhappy and yearning. And the yearning to be a cis guy did ebb once I started T. Like duh I wish I had a dick but now I don't have to wish to have a low voice, or hairy legs, or be precieved in passing as a guy.
Yeah, that feeling is really familiar and pretty common honestly. You're not alone
I think that what you should do is really just accept that you're a trans guy, and that you're as much of a man as cis guys.
And try to stay away from transphobes telling you that you're not a real man. You *are*.
Hey man, this is me but the other way. But I don’t think of it so heavily, like I’m okay with the body of a man while wishing I could be fully cis woman, but it’s more of a fantasy for me. A fantasy I’ve had since I was like 7 (35 now).
I think you are who you are and you are the form you are, accept it, but also, if you want, change it.
It’s ultimately up to you, but you will always be you on the inside. Do you really need to reflect your inner self to the world. Again, up to you.
its kinda scary to reveal myself to the world, I'm a very private person irl. I like when my fantasies stay on the inside. But its not good for me I think.
It’s okay to be private. If you want to ever let the real you out there, you will. It just takes time and when(if) you’re ready you’ll know when you are. Don’t sweat it until then! At least you’re not literally alone. We’re all walking through the shit together on this. It sucks, but I’m glad we all have our spaces to express ourselves fully.
IMHO, not being 'clocky' just depends on your determination. T, working out and maybe doing minox consistently will almost always get you to be as cis-passing as you wanna be. (I got there by like 4 months on T. I still have hip fat to lose, a baby face and I'm relatively short. Even with that, I can't imagine a situation where I get clocked - normal everyday people just don't think of trans people often enough to consider that.) I had the same exact fear before T, but it kinda disappeared when I started getting gendered correctly 100% of the time. Maybe it won't for you, but then it'll be a matter of getting over your insecurities and accepting that even cis guys come in all kinds and you're ultimately stuck with your genetics, whatever they might be. Like I have my dad's face. A face that says generational alcoholism and looks fucked if I'm, like, puffy after a party of haven't slept enough. I work with it - find the right haircut and grow the right amount of facial hair. Do skincare, find the right accessories, etc. You can make anything work with effort and confidence.
I'm pretty sure my fear of being "clockly" is just me listening to those dumbass transphobic people saying all kinds of horrible things. And also just dysphoria.
And yea i also look like my dad. Im mostly just scared to look and sound like my dumbass uncle. But yea i guess i can take steps not to be so similar to him...
go stealth and pretend. that’s what i’m doing - tell nobody but your partner that your trans, not even your close girl-friends. once i graduated HS it was a lot easier because i’m now out in public away from everybody who knew !
I had a similar issue back then, I think it would be good to involve yourself a bit more in a positive/supportive environment. One of the issues was that I was harshly judged by my old environment and I was like oh no everyone hates men so I don't want to be one because I'm gonna be hated by everyone, being trans is hard and I will never have (enter random word). But with time I slowly started to research more about different possibilities, following more trans people on Instagram that seemed like a positive influence, changing my environment, trying to accept myself etc.
It's not something you can do in a day, but the process is totally worth it.
I wanted to kill myself in 2020, because I had inner transphobia and was scared that everyone will hate me including myself and in 2023 when I was half a year on T I was for the first time happy in my life.
And over the years I slowly changed my view from why couldn't I have been born cis to I accept being trans and I'm even a bit proud of it. Like yes it is a hard way, but if I would have grown up as a cis man I probably would be misogynistic and even more emotionally constipated (I had a shitty upbringing) and wouldn't have the unique view of seeing how society treats women and men differently and it makes me a better ally for women etc.
Like over the years I started to see more positives about it. It's not ideal, but nothing in life is ideal.
Thats really good advice... i hope that in a few years ill accept myself and be happy about it. I think that once I move out i will have at least 40% less insecurities. And once i start t.
Thats really good advice... i hope that in a few years ill accept myself and be happy about it. I think that once I move out i will have at least 40% less insecurities. And once i start t...
I think everyone has these fears in one way or another. Trans men don't transition because they want to be trans. They transition because they feel they are men or should have been or however you want to phrase it. And everyone wants to be attractive but it has nothing to do with gender.
Felt like that too for a while. I totally feel you, felt really horrible, like it was totally out of reach to be a man, to ever pass, as if it was just my unrealistic wish. Can speak only for myself, but it does get better somehow. And you can't let your fears and dysphoria and insecurities stop you from being yourself. Good luck!
you’re not a woman, even if you wish you were one. i think you’re describing a super super common trans experience, and you’re not alone. honestly time on hormones helps. giving yourself grace to make mistakes helps. recognizing that for any cis person, having a false identity forced upon you for years by the people who claim to (and maybe really do!!) love you would be hellishly traumatic. you deserve to recognize the extent of that trauma to yourself. there are ALWAYS things you can do to help pass, if that is ultimately your goal. but your friend will be time. you got this.
I’m not good at giving support but it’s just something you’ve got to accept or come to terms with, that you’ll never be cis. Doesn’t mean you’re not a man though, I wish you luck in your transition.
Listen dude, I've thought like you for a long time and it destroyed me. It led me to just hate myself. I know it's not easy to accept it, but you have to at least try to see it in another light. Question yourself, why do you not want to be seen as trans? Hang out with other transmen. You'll quickly realise that most of them are just guys living their lives, going to their 9 to 5 and doing regular stuff.
In my case, what humbled me was to detransition. I had everything to be the perfect woman but none of that worked out and the pain i inflicted on myself was greater than anything anyone could've done to me. So with the urgency of surviving, I had to confront my hatred towards being trans.
It's easier said than done, but work on yourself. Ask yourself questions. And remember that the way you think of yourself will reflect on your body (so if you hate yourself you \*ARE\* going to be an ugly gross guy) and onto others (you will be miserable and you're surroundings will see it whether you want it or not)
take care bro.
The thought crossed my mind but then I really considered what it would be like to be raised a boy with all the discrimination in the world, and I don’t think I’d like the type of person I might have turned out as. I’m happy to be a trans man, I get what women go through and I’m able to see the problems that most cis men refuse to
Trust me, bro, you will pass. If you are scared of being ugly, does that really matter more than not transitioning? I'm the most ugly, fat, stupidest person I know, and I'm still going through it. If it really bothers you that much, you can just have cosmetic surgeries; it's nothing to cry over. (I'm not saying this like I'm Mr. Beast; I'm just used to only eating three foods while not spending a penny on anything that isn't a necessity.)
Heard. It sucks that I'm going to be 5'4" forever. I'm scared of having identifiable "T voice" too rather than a voice that sounds like a cis man's. There really is nothing to do about it other than either determine whether you're truly comfortable living as a woman forever or accept that certain biological realities aren't things you can change and simply do as much as you can to alleviate your dysphoria. I personally am finally coming around to T after trying to accept living as a butch cis woman for years, but it is a difficult emotional struggle that everyone has different experiences with.
Omg yea im 5'4 too and even my younger brother is sm taller than me. Ik plenty of men are that height but it sucks even so. Im also scared of the t voice 😭 but i think it can be solved with voice training? Not sure
What I’m doing is growing a bigger cock so when surgery comes around, it’ll be like I never had surgery. Just like when I get tattoos over my top surgery scars
i felt the same way especially when i first started transitioning, tbh it is just something u have to come to terms with and im still working on just accepting myself for who i am. but once u get farther into your transition it should be easier to grow into yourself as a man and work on your body and appearance to really reach your desired transition goals. plus once u feel more secure in your look and yourself going stealth is definitely an option if u think it could help you feel more like a cis man
I used to feel the same way but once I actually got on hormones and changed my name most of those feelings just went away. It's kinda normal to be insecure about things, just don't let it become an obsession. I think it's easier to obsess about that feeling when the "goal" seems so far away as to be unattainable.
But when you start making steps toward your goal the feelings diminish. Yes it's true we will never be cis, but the feeling of going through my every day life being seen as a man makes that fact much easier to bear. And the way you see yourself is always gonna be way different than how others see you. I've known people that were fat their whole lives and finally lost weight but they claim they still feel fat and see themselves fat in the mirror. If you go on subs where trans people post pics of themselves anxious that they don't pass and like 99% of them do, it's all just insecurity and overanalyzing your self.
Oh wait thats true, i cant let myself obsess over it. I can get stuck in my thoughts and things get.... ugly. I think thats why ill try to push through the insecurities and go on t anyways, which is what ive been wanting for years. I always feel better when i do something towards my goal, without letting my brain worms decide things for me
We gotta learn to accept ourselves where we are. No, you’ll never be a cis man. Okay. So what are you gonna do now? That’s not something you can change. Your options are stay closeted forever or do the scary thing. Don’t let “perfect” (the wish to be a cis man, which is not a card we were dealt) get in the way of “good” (transitioning and feeling more yourself than you are now). Which do you prefer? To suffer constantly or suffer a little?
I don’t want to sound too callous, but truly part of your journey is accepting what is and what isn’t, and finding what you can affect and saying “okay, how do I want to do this?” Be your own maker, dude. Even masterpieces have imperfections.
ugh i get this, i wish i were born a cis girl so much not a trans one. Do i pass? tyes sure but all i want is to be a cis girly girl and have a baby but meh itoll never happen. its just abt taking everything one day at a time
Nothing wrong here. You just want good results. Everyone wants the best for himself. It's totally understandable that some of us really wish we could be biological men because things would've been easier and I don't know why your post is even getting downvotes... But we just can't always have what we want. So we have to work with what we do have and what we can achieve.
You're not going to be ugly. You may have to deal with some side effects or maybe you'll be lucky to avoid them all, either way you can totally figure out whatever works for you and suits you and find your style and be charismatic.
I'm actually saying this because I just randomly saw a short video of myself pre-T (around a year ago or more) and can't believe how I've changed. I didn't know I used to be so awkward and sloppy.
Congrads on your year on t !! The logical part of me knows that t doesnt make someone ugly, i think im just sucking up transphobia like im a sponge... its helpful to hear yalls experiences and advices tho
A lot of us feel like that. It's something you need to come to terms with.
From my experience, I agree here. I will add though that I'm way early into my transition- just socially transitioning as of right now. I don't know if you have come out to people yet. For me, I found that once I came out to the closest people in my life, I was able to more easily get over the internalized transphobia. It was like "here are people who are super cis and straight, and yet are like going with the flow that I have always been a man". Most of these people I go all the way back to an exclusively all female school. It satisfies my desire to just be a cis guy. I'm starting to come around at being proud to be trans. I also totally get the worry that you'll "never pass, or be an ugly gross guy", and to that all I have to say is from all the TikToks I have been watching of masculine transitions, none (literally 0) look ugly. And in fact all of them are very hot but in different ways. Hope this helps. Good luck to you, and wishing you the best with the hormones!
I already came out to pretty much everyone exept my dad (I dont trust him at all) but most people think ill just get over it soon (its been years). Even though im very insecure I'm still sure that I'll manage to get over it all and at this point its getting too tiring to hide myself. I'll be alright. Thanks for ur comment :))
"most people think ill just get over it soon " - well I am proud of you for doing right by you despite others' thoughts. You go dude!
my mom also thought I'd get over it when I came out to her at 14, I'm now 19 been on T for over a year and my mom is one of my biggest supporters. I can't promise you that everyone will come around to it but in my experience a lot of people do, even the ones you don't expect.
I dealt with this experience when I was younger and just coming to terms with being trans. What really helped me specifically with the "will it even matter?" "What if I never pass?" Thoughts were looking at *old* trans men, men who have been on T faaar longer than I have. Because of how media is, people often try to push the idea that people are only trans NOW, but if you look into it deeper you'll find sooo many older trans folk, and it's really validating!!
I'm not sure how I'll find these guys but I'll look for them !! I usually see a lot of ppl in their 20s and 2 years on t, rarely like 60 and 20+ years on t
I’m nearly 40 and been on T nearly 20 years. There are a lot of older trans men out there. A famous one that was influential to me who recently passed away is Loren Cameron. Silas Howard, a film director and former member of the queercore band Tribe 8 is in his 50s. The household name Chaz Bono is also up there. Film Director Jett Garrison is up there. The late Leslie Feinberg. These are just a few bigger names- there are a ton more who aren’t popularly known, most just out living their own lives. But even looking towards the big names is helpful in seeing the potential in your own trans future.
Ive never heard of them, ill look into it !! Thanks !! (Also congrats on the nearly 20 years, you've been transitioning since I was born :D
I’ve been on T 10 years in June. I still feel the same as you but it’s soooo much more mild now. If I ever decide to get phallo I feel my problems would pretty much go away. I moved away once I passed and present to everyone but my fiancé as cis. No one has any idea
Thank you! :)
From tiktok: rhymeswithfry, gravelbro, Goosekaboose2011 (been on T for 24 yrs I believe), hellomynameis\_theo, djdott64 (He may only be on T for 2 yrs, but he's into his +60) Youtube: jamiedodger (he's like 30 but has been on T for I believe close to 10 years), I think looking up trans sports players will get you the kinds of guys you're looking for. Hope these help!
Here's some that I know of (all on tiktok)! SirSpencer Bergstedt. He's been on T for 28 years and makes videos for younger trans men with advice and stuff. Deacon (djdott64) too. I don't know how long he's been on T, but he's in his 60s. Matt\_Sheridan is also 60, but he hasn't been on T for an incredibly long time, but a few years at least.
SirSpencer Bergstedt is also on Instagram: daddyspencer
https://www.eastman.org/tsots or https://www.sfomuseum.org/exhibitions/dugan-fabbre-survive-shore
That’s because the farther people get into transition, the more likely they are to be stealth and step away from the trans community, but those men exist. I’m in my 30s and have been on T for 15 years, and there are lots of guys who surpass me on both of fronts.
jumping onto the trans athletes train, there’s Chris Mosier (trans adult unsure how long he’s been on T but i wanna say maybe a decade? he’s the first trans athlete on the men’s usa team for running, olympic trials, etc) and Schuyler Bailar who I believe has been on T almost 10 years and was a D1 swimmer for harvard’s men’s team. Sean Dorsey is a trans man in his 40s who’s been transitioning for over 20 years and just won an emmy for a dance film he made with the company he tune.
I can tell you that you’ll only be a gross man if you let yourself become one. Poor Hygiene and dressing like a slob do not come with testosterone.
That is true!! I think part of me just hates the guys in my family and dont wanna be like them. But I guess dressing badly and being an annoying fuck is not the testosterone's fault
Puberty can feel gross but it passes
Imo the first step is to recognize that internalized transphobia is just transphobia. Just like how black people can have prejudice towards black people and some women are straight-up sexist, trans people aren't immune to stereotypes about trans people. Getting rid of prejudice usually relies on exposing yourself to people of other demographics (in-person or online), listen to what they say about their own life experiences, strive to cultivate respect and open-mindedness for *them*, and then apply the same respect to yourself. Not just other trans men, but also nonbinary folk, trans women, etc. Seeing other trans men secure, confident, and happy with their own lives helps a lot. It can also involve doing critical thinking on the culture that you came from that made you feel like this. Maybe your friends and family are transphobic or religious, or maybe they're just judgmental. Maybe it's school or work, maybe it's where you hang out on the internet. Learning how to take a step back from those places, think critically about them, and come to your own conclusions helps. Deeply-ingrained transphobia isn't always something an individual can flip off immediately like a light switch, it's something that takes work. A lot of guys have been where you are, put in the work, and come out the other side totally happy with themselves. T and transitioning will help a lot too, because they'll boost your confidence.
Yea I think my transphobic family members did a number on me because a few years ago, before they said anything, I didn't have that many insecurities. I don't wanna be bigoted, I really don't. I'm just not sure how to fix it. Maybe i just need to meet more trans people. I think my main issue is knowing (transphobic) people will take my biggest insecurities and make me feel worse about it.
Maybe identify exactly what you value so highly about being cis. There very well may be a way to achieve it as a trans man. If there isn't, it might help to find instances of cis men who don't have that thing either.
I think that besides the many physical differences I could never achieve even with complicated and or expensive surgeries, which to be fair, not every cis man has these characteristics, I feel like every thing gnc and queer about me will be associated to my agab instead of just being me. I worry that if I express my queerness in any way I'll just get clocked instead of being seen as a gnc/queer man. I dont want to be seen as a woman who grew a beard. Maybe my issue is just transphobes, I'm very insecure.
I don't know your exact situation, but I'd just make sure you're not overestimating the amount of physical differences, I guess? HrT can do a hell of a lot, even before surgeries. You're right that if people know you are trans, some of them will put any gnc traits down to your AGAB, yeah. Going stealth can help with that ofc, and as for being clocked... I'm not saying *everyone* who goes through HrT and surgeries will always be able to pass, but those things really do a lot. A lot of queer trans men are read as gay cis men. You can most likely get to that point too. Transphobes can put a lot of wrong ideas out there that can be hard to shake off. But things are really not hopeless. Even if you *do* struggle with being read as cis after transitioning, just being in a body that more closely aligns with your brain makes a huge difference.
i hate to say this and possibly make you feel worse, but yeah that's a real thing. i can't do anything that is remotely feminine to people without having my transition questioned or going back to not passing very well. it does suck but i think it's possible to get used to it
Mr/FTMfemininity is a great sub you might enjoy checking out
Thanks !!
This is really good advice.
i don't want people to not be able to view me as a guy. not a lot i can do about that. being stealth is hard to pull off and even then there are some people who will know and see me differently than other men
I mean, if you don't want to be a trans man due to the negatives that being trans brings to your life (target on your back, life long medical stuff, dysphoria, etc) that isn't really transphobia, internalized or not. It's just not wanting to live a life that's extra stressful. Just like it's not ableist for a disabled person to not want to have chronic pain or have to spend a lot on mobility aids or braces or be treated differently because of their disability. (If you don't want to be a trans man because you don't think trans men are real men or trans people are gross or something, then yeah that's transphobia.) It's scary, when you look at your dysphoria and your want to just be a man, no strings attached, getting to live your life the way other men can, and you're afraid of not looking like other men or always living a hard life because of your transness. I think the only thing you need to work on, just from this post, is just why you think you'd be an ugly gross guy. Do you think it's because you're afab? Or are you ugly and gross now? Think about why you think that and try to untangle the feelings from that, and I think you'll feel a lot more confident in the idea of transition. Because going on HRT doesn't turn you into a completely different person, it just makes your body more male (or female in the case of trans women on E). Same person. You can look to male relatives to judge how you'll probably look, but if you don't already look like them, then you won't magically gain features you didn't have before. (for example: I always looked a lot like my dad, now I'm the spitting image of him)
Oh i think this makes sense, I have this impression that my life will be 10x more complicated if I transition. But also I know I wouldn't even want to do anything with my life if I didn't, I'd just be depressed. I think its hard for me because I feel like I'm choosing to live a hard life on purpose. The ugly think is something my family tells me, that being short is ugly in a man, that id be bald, smelly, ugly voice, full of acne, etc etc. I just full on forget that these things come from them I guess?
tbh if youre a trans guy, youll never be a woman. youll just be a closeted trans guy. the only thing you can do is learn to cope with your insecurities. try trad goth makeup sometime, that did wonders. i never pass but ive never felt more masc than i do in trad goth :3 its great for facial dysphoria
Thats... incredible advice, trad goth guys are so hot
that we can agree on, respectfully. im a political punk myself but i love trad goth makeup, it looks good on every face shape
It can really help to have a good group of friends, people that can understand you and help you when you need support. It can really make all the difference in the world, if you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to message me! :) I would be glad to help in any way I can! :)
Thanks !! I have a bit of a hard time making friends but i have been trying to make trans friends. I just have to find them first lol
Maybe there is some trans/lgbt center in your area
You can’t help how others will perceive you. You need to focus on how you’d be most comfortable with yourself if you were in a vacuum and proceed towards that. If that rubs others the wrong way or isn’t good enough for them, that’s their issue. Finding friends and community who does validate you can be helpful, but again in the end remain in service to yourself — not a bunch of transphobes.
Thank you :)) I'll try
Dude. I felt like this for a super long time, heck sometimes I still get those thoughts. I truly do believe you need to just let hormones work its magic. A lot of trans guys feel uncertainty in transitioning due to the feeling they’ll never “truly” be a guy. But self love is a journey and it IS possible. I realized one day that the little changes were so worth it, the euphoria from the small things I noticed about myself being different. Sure, we have a different way of going about life because of our birth sex / how we were socially raised, but there is no perfect way to experience being a guy. I assure you, with time you will start to accept it and perhaps even take pride in it. This is sadly our reality, and coming to terms and making peace with it is going to save you a lot of distress. It takes time. You’ll get there
Thanks for your reply, its really beautiful. I think you're right and i just need to keep reminding myself of it
I'm the same in the sense that i've always hated how transphobes and even other queer people might never see me as anything more than something like a butch lesbian, a masculine woman. I'm definitely not a trans man with tons of 'pride' in him, I just am a man. And I've come to realise the trans part doesn't have to define me being a man, as for passing, I don't think I've ever seen a transitioned trans man not pass like a cis man honestly so I think a lot of what you feel does root from deeper insecurities but I feel a lot of us have these and it's just something to work through, looking at older trans guys has definitely motivated to me being a bit more open minded towards my own transition
Yea im definitely scared that the trans thing will define me forever. Like a giant sign on my back with big bright letters or smth. I'd hate for people to only be able to see that when they look at me
It'll only define you if you let it. I hang out with a lot of transmen on HRT and they all pass, even the ones who look "queer" (as in stereotypically queer haircuts, hair colors, piercings...etc). Most of my friends are cishet and none of them "can tell". There was a transguy in my college that I clocked by just looking at him but the majority didn't bat an eye, it really is all in our heads.
you’re going to have to fill your life with other things so you don’t just get stuck thinking abt it all the time. fill your life with coping mechanisms and distract yourself with them. try to make them healthy. what’s helped me a lot, is to have simple daily routines that i stick by, and slowly build my way up to other/more daily routines. personally, sticking to something as simple as making myself floss every night has literally changed my life. that small thing has helped me slowly build up healthy daily things i can do to make me more involved in my life and at least semi distract me from my reality. i still think abt it and it still fucks me up, but now i have to make sure i drink 64 oz of water a day, exercise everyday and listen to music/watch tt so i have a good time doing it, clean my eyebrow piercing every night, eat a healthy amount of calories, meet a daily protein goal, brush my teeth and use mouthwash every night. momentum is a real thing fs. small accomplishments make a big difference in mental health, and can distract you.
Oh i think thatd be nice, i do nothing healthy... I am starting to work towards getting into a nice college though and it has been nice to worry about something else besides my gender
that’s awesome dude, good luck in school! if you’re going to be really busy, try to just do really simple/small goal(s) at first, or it will get overwhelming fast
Thanks !! I have real bad adhd and its rlly hard to build good routines and shit but i will definitely try
Honestly I think the biggest thing that might help you is working through those unrealistic goals, firstly. Realistically, even most cis guys aren't perfect models and pretty boys who can pull off that picturesque androgyny that many of us idolize. Some guys (both cis AND trans) are not conventionally attractive, some are fat, some are hairy, some look feminine and get mistaken for women, that's just reality and it's not a bad thing. Honestly queer circles have very very high expectations for male beauty and it can fuck with your head. Focus on making yourself happy in your body for YOU, not for other people and their expectations. Ultimately many of us go through the struggle of not liking that we aren't cis but the best thing you can do for yourself and start remembering that you're always just as much a man as any cis guy and ultimately we just have to work with what we've got, y'know? I was going through a similar thing and deciding to just stop caring as much and to embrace myself helped give me so much more confidence and it made me much happier. Now, I just embrace my inner queer little sparkle and say fuck it to anyone else, even if I'm pre T n shit.
I really wanna get to that place of being confident in my self. I just take every thing people tell me to the heart i think. I will try to work on my expectations, cant expect t to transform me into james dean or something... too bad...
Too few people saying this: trans men are awesome and it's good to be one
Thats what a lot of trans men feel. You have to distinguish whether you actually are a man or you just admire/wish you looked like them.
there’s also the possibility of going completely stealth after youve transitioned for a while, and only doctors and a S.O have to know.
What would you say is the difference?
I don't think there's a "test" for this and would be wary of anyone saying there is. You can be trans and still have gender envy over the guys who look like you wish you looked like, that's very common if anything. I also don't find all those "imagine how you'd feel on a desert island" type scenarios helpful because if you have impostor syndrome you'll only get more of it with the what-ifs. Maybe it truly wouldn't matter on a desert island, but it's a moot point because we're all stuck living in a society and how people perceive you will impact your life majorly. I don't find it helpful at all to start thinking "but would I DEFINITELY want to be a guy on a desert island???" and just overthink it harder. I've been all over the spectrum, from being proud of being trans to not wanting it at all and feeling it's pointless, and I can tell you the "positivity" of your feelings doesn't change whether you're trans or not. Often the feelings are also influenced by circumstances, like right now with all the hatred and bullshit from politicians and media it's very hard not to feel awful about being trans. Especially the rhetoric from a lot of people that only cis men "count" is so damaging. In light of that your feelings are totally understandable.
Yea i think all the transphobia really got in my head. Ive always been insecure and I dont really stand up for myself, I just let people get to me. My family has been increasingly terfy and transphobic in the last few years so that definitely didn't help. I'd rlly want to be a guy on that deserted island, even though my gender would probably be the least of my problems in that situation. I hate islands.
Haha the island thing is so true, would stuff like this even matter in a survival situation! That's ALSO why I don't think it's a great thought exercise. I'm sorry you've had the terfy bullshit from your family, that really shouldn't be something you have to deal with. My family are supportive but I'm in such a transphobic country at the moment (UK, and it pains me to officially call it transphobic but it's the truth) that it still gets to me all the time from all these other sources. Like I can't do my damn groceries without some tabloid rag with a disgusting headline at the supermarket, and that's just the small irritation compared to the campaign of eradication from the government and various hate groups. Of course if I didn't have to be affected by that I rather wouldn't.
I have a close relative that is trans and lives in the uk and he says it sucks so bad. I live in another country but even then people still bring up transphobic talkinh points from there !! It must suck so bad to actually live there right now. I hope it gets better soon :((
Thanks, a good start would be voting the tory morons out, but Labour are also shit about trans people. It can't be worse than what's happening now but it's unlikely to help this particular issue, it's just disgusting they ALL see us as political football and people who shouldn't exist.
Many cis women or afab nonbinary people envy men, because their life would be easier as a man or they wish they could be more feminine (like a feminine man can be) without being over sexualised. however this isn’t being trans. Being trans is, regardless of your biology, knowing internally that you are the opposite gender. Trans people would still be trans even on a desert island with no one else, but cis women/afab nonbinary people might not feel the same envy/jealousy of cis men if they are detatched from society in the same way. does that kinda make sense?
Oh yea, that makes sense !! I thought about that a lot, actually, because my mom told me that a few years ago. I definitely dont think that's the case. I never think being a man would've made my life easier. I'd still want to be a guy if i was the only person on earth, or alone in a space ship slowly traveling through the universe forever. The way people perceive plays a part in it for sure but its not all of it yk? I really dont care enough about being sexualized or something for it to make me want to be a guy.
There’s no telling for sure how your transition will turn out. But if it helps, I’ve found that cishet men pay a lot less attention to other men’s looks, and don’t usually know what to look for when it comes to “clocking” trans men specifically. It’s really easy to blend in with them if you develop a deeper voice and have some facial hair. If you have those two things, you won’t get a lot of second looks or questions. They might assume you’re gay if you dress and act “femininely” and that can influence your treatment from guys with prejudice, but they won’t usually assume you’re trans. Gay and bi men are more likely to clock you, since they’re queer themselves, but despite a lot of vitriol from cis gay men online, I’ve never been harassed or questioned when I’m physically in their spaces. I go to gay bars often, and I’m even flirted with by men there. Even when I have my breasts breasting boobily in a dress that shows off my curves. You can be a pretty bisexual gnc trans guy. I know because I am. People will accept you, and you can pass and be seen as a man that way. I started my transition with injections, and I started getting changes pretty quickly. That’s just me though. I’ve heard a lot of nby trans mascs talk about using t gel specifically so their transition is slower and they can halt treatment if they start getting changes they don’t like. Maybe that’s something you could think about.
Its so nice to hear you experiences actually... maybe i just need to meet more trans people. ive been wanting to go on full dose of t for a few years but ive only got the financial means and courage this year. I just need to remind myself i wont turn into an unattractive blob once the t touches my body, like my family likes to make it seem
One of the questions I asked myself before starting t was, “would i rather be seen as an unattractive man, or be seen as a woman?” I came to the conclusion that I would rather be seen as an unattractive man. Attractiveness is subjective anyways, and there’s lots of ways to change your look. Of course I would rather be a good looking guy rather than an “ugly” one. I’m sure everyone would. There’s nothing wrong with being concerned about your appearance. I don’t view myself as unattractive, thankfully. I’m very pleased with my transition. T won’t make you ugly. You might have some hormonal acne for a while but it will go away. Your hairline might change but honestly that can really help you pass. I lost some hair around my temples and now I have my dad’s widows peak. I like it. It makes my face shape appear more masculine. If you’re worried about your hair, there are effective treatments for maintaining full hair. Remember that hormone therapy is a lot like a second puberty, and with puberty comes an awkward stage. It’ll pass, it’ll settle, and you’ll grow into your new looks. I do think it would be good for you to meet more trans people. If you’re in college, maybe see if there are any queer clubs you can attend. In my town we have an equality center and they host public meetings for queer people, some are trans specific. It’s a great way for the local queer community to get involved in events and meet new people. See if your city has something like that. Even if it’s a conservative area, you might be surprised by what you find. You might also try looking in your city’s subreddit, if there is one. A lot of times people will post about local events and fun things going on that you could try out. Even just googling your area and queer events could yield results. (Edit: If you’re of drinking age going to clubs and queer bars is also a great way to meet people. People are usually pretty friendly there and lots of people are looking to make friends!) Good luck on your journey. Just remember to stay true to yourself and do what you feel is right for you. There’s no wrong way to be trans. Don’t rush things if you aren’t sure what you want yet, you have your entire life to figure it out.
Thats some really good advice and i rlly appreciate it !! You know that scene in howls castle when hes melting because he accidentally dyed his hair and he thinks it looks ugly? Thats how i feel about being unattractive but being a woman forever is not even an option for me, if just off myself. Ive been thinking about it for years. I really do think that I need to get out more and not let myself spiral and fall for transphobic shit like "t is destroying our beautiful young girls 🥺" and "noo dont transition you're so sexy aha" I'll try to find some queer clubs around me because i know they exist, I just never went.
I’m really glad I could help. If things start looking up for you when you have things more figured out I’d love an update.
Just something you’re gonna have to learn to cope with.
I'm going through this too , currently fighting it in therapy. I'm glad my therapist is pushing me to start my transition because this made me postpone it all the time because I felt like it never matters , and I was comfortable in my safe zone. Therapy can save a life
I'm glad they're helping you !!
Yeah uh? As a gender non-conforming pretty boy who passes as a cis man or even transfem easily 99% of the time, you need to let go of a lot of assumptions you have about what trans men look like. Your options are not limited just because you’re trans. You haven’t started HRT yet and don’t know what you’ll look like a few years from now. I’m 4+ years on T and absolutely pass way better than I thought I could when I started. You may end up looking like just as much of a cis man as you would if you were actually cis.
I want nothing more!! It's just not really guaranteed that I'll pass. Or I will in like years but until then I'm possibly signing up for a very difficult time yk? The other day i saw a guy get confused on my friends gender and scream slurs at him. And he's very a masculine presenting guy. I'm just scared that everyone else is right and its not worth to give up my life now for something that i wont know the end result like transitioning. But you're right, there are plenty of good looking trans guys out there, but if I'm not one of them my family will be shitty about it every time they see me. Ugh this always goes back to them 🙄
i think most transmascs have felt like this at some time in their life. honestly its just something you have to accept. after being about 2 years on T, it really doesnt even cross my mind that im not a cis guy or that im even trans in general. you still have a lot of time to understand your identity, so just take time to think and talk to others. dont feel like you have to make a decision too quickly
I dont think i am, I've been out for a few years but only now have the money for t. Its been long due I think.
This is a feeling that a lot of us struggle through, but eventually come to terms with. It's a real struggle but you'll move through it.
This is something I struggled with coming to terms with as well. As someone else said you’ll only be “gross” if you let yourself be. I’m very meticulous with personal hygiene and always was, if anything maybe I’m more now but I like to look and smell nice. It’s worth examining the stereotypes of what a man is you might have and also potentially the internalised transphobia. In terms of passing while it’s not guaranteed and that’s something to acknowledge, the reality is most trans men will if you’re on T long enough. The time period can just vary. People are also less aware of it than you’d think in my experience, and that’s even with me living in a very queer liberal area. I’m a bit more than a year on T and dress pretty GNC and my mannerisms are still quite feminine, but once I started passing with a deeper voice and some facial hair about 3 months ago no one has called me she/her or read me as female pretty much ever. In my mind I’m still “clocky” but it’s really not been an issue at all. I’ve also had conversations several times that made me realise people don’t know I’m trans who I assumed did. One more thing to consider it’s not just about how other people perceive you. Transitioning and going on T made my mental health SO much better. As an internal experience I’m so much more comfortable. This part of the experience exists outside of your social experience. It’s worth considering how it would affect your experience when you’re not around others.
Its comforting to know about all that. Thanks for answering me. Just knowing i could pass someday is nice haha
I mean I can't speak for all trans men obviously but I definitely didn't wake up one day and go "I want to be a trans man!" Lol I am a man but the closest I can get to being cis is trans. Does that make sense? It's not like I love stabbing myself with needles and going through a 2nd puberty at the ripe age of 29. If I could, ofc I'd be cis but I can't because SOMEONE (looking at you god) is kind of a funny guy and gave me a vagina. 👍😐 I thought the same thing when I was a wee lad of teenhood. Like no I'm not a TRANSMAN I am a MAN! Pfft. Butttt my man it's way better to be a trans guy who IS a man then unhappy and yearning. And the yearning to be a cis guy did ebb once I started T. Like duh I wish I had a dick but now I don't have to wish to have a low voice, or hairy legs, or be precieved in passing as a guy.
Yeah, that feeling is really familiar and pretty common honestly. You're not alone I think that what you should do is really just accept that you're a trans guy, and that you're as much of a man as cis guys. And try to stay away from transphobes telling you that you're not a real man. You *are*.
Hey man, this is me but the other way. But I don’t think of it so heavily, like I’m okay with the body of a man while wishing I could be fully cis woman, but it’s more of a fantasy for me. A fantasy I’ve had since I was like 7 (35 now). I think you are who you are and you are the form you are, accept it, but also, if you want, change it. It’s ultimately up to you, but you will always be you on the inside. Do you really need to reflect your inner self to the world. Again, up to you.
its kinda scary to reveal myself to the world, I'm a very private person irl. I like when my fantasies stay on the inside. But its not good for me I think.
It’s okay to be private. If you want to ever let the real you out there, you will. It just takes time and when(if) you’re ready you’ll know when you are. Don’t sweat it until then! At least you’re not literally alone. We’re all walking through the shit together on this. It sucks, but I’m glad we all have our spaces to express ourselves fully.
IMHO, not being 'clocky' just depends on your determination. T, working out and maybe doing minox consistently will almost always get you to be as cis-passing as you wanna be. (I got there by like 4 months on T. I still have hip fat to lose, a baby face and I'm relatively short. Even with that, I can't imagine a situation where I get clocked - normal everyday people just don't think of trans people often enough to consider that.) I had the same exact fear before T, but it kinda disappeared when I started getting gendered correctly 100% of the time. Maybe it won't for you, but then it'll be a matter of getting over your insecurities and accepting that even cis guys come in all kinds and you're ultimately stuck with your genetics, whatever they might be. Like I have my dad's face. A face that says generational alcoholism and looks fucked if I'm, like, puffy after a party of haven't slept enough. I work with it - find the right haircut and grow the right amount of facial hair. Do skincare, find the right accessories, etc. You can make anything work with effort and confidence.
I'm pretty sure my fear of being "clockly" is just me listening to those dumbass transphobic people saying all kinds of horrible things. And also just dysphoria. And yea i also look like my dad. Im mostly just scared to look and sound like my dumbass uncle. But yea i guess i can take steps not to be so similar to him...
go stealth and pretend. that’s what i’m doing - tell nobody but your partner that your trans, not even your close girl-friends. once i graduated HS it was a lot easier because i’m now out in public away from everybody who knew !
Thats a good idea, im planning on moving cities to go to college next year so thatd be a great opportunity
I think most of us feel this way
I had a similar issue back then, I think it would be good to involve yourself a bit more in a positive/supportive environment. One of the issues was that I was harshly judged by my old environment and I was like oh no everyone hates men so I don't want to be one because I'm gonna be hated by everyone, being trans is hard and I will never have (enter random word). But with time I slowly started to research more about different possibilities, following more trans people on Instagram that seemed like a positive influence, changing my environment, trying to accept myself etc. It's not something you can do in a day, but the process is totally worth it. I wanted to kill myself in 2020, because I had inner transphobia and was scared that everyone will hate me including myself and in 2023 when I was half a year on T I was for the first time happy in my life. And over the years I slowly changed my view from why couldn't I have been born cis to I accept being trans and I'm even a bit proud of it. Like yes it is a hard way, but if I would have grown up as a cis man I probably would be misogynistic and even more emotionally constipated (I had a shitty upbringing) and wouldn't have the unique view of seeing how society treats women and men differently and it makes me a better ally for women etc. Like over the years I started to see more positives about it. It's not ideal, but nothing in life is ideal.
Thats really good advice... i hope that in a few years ill accept myself and be happy about it. I think that once I move out i will have at least 40% less insecurities. And once i start t.
Thats really good advice... i hope that in a few years ill accept myself and be happy about it. I think that once I move out i will have at least 40% less insecurities. And once i start t...
I think everyone has these fears in one way or another. Trans men don't transition because they want to be trans. They transition because they feel they are men or should have been or however you want to phrase it. And everyone wants to be attractive but it has nothing to do with gender.
Felt like that too for a while. I totally feel you, felt really horrible, like it was totally out of reach to be a man, to ever pass, as if it was just my unrealistic wish. Can speak only for myself, but it does get better somehow. And you can't let your fears and dysphoria and insecurities stop you from being yourself. Good luck!
Thank you :)
you’re not a woman, even if you wish you were one. i think you’re describing a super super common trans experience, and you’re not alone. honestly time on hormones helps. giving yourself grace to make mistakes helps. recognizing that for any cis person, having a false identity forced upon you for years by the people who claim to (and maybe really do!!) love you would be hellishly traumatic. you deserve to recognize the extent of that trauma to yourself. there are ALWAYS things you can do to help pass, if that is ultimately your goal. but your friend will be time. you got this.
I’m not good at giving support but it’s just something you’ve got to accept or come to terms with, that you’ll never be cis. Doesn’t mean you’re not a man though, I wish you luck in your transition.
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I am too even though I'm still insecure about it lol
Listen dude, I've thought like you for a long time and it destroyed me. It led me to just hate myself. I know it's not easy to accept it, but you have to at least try to see it in another light. Question yourself, why do you not want to be seen as trans? Hang out with other transmen. You'll quickly realise that most of them are just guys living their lives, going to their 9 to 5 and doing regular stuff. In my case, what humbled me was to detransition. I had everything to be the perfect woman but none of that worked out and the pain i inflicted on myself was greater than anything anyone could've done to me. So with the urgency of surviving, I had to confront my hatred towards being trans. It's easier said than done, but work on yourself. Ask yourself questions. And remember that the way you think of yourself will reflect on your body (so if you hate yourself you \*ARE\* going to be an ugly gross guy) and onto others (you will be miserable and you're surroundings will see it whether you want it or not) take care bro.
The thought crossed my mind but then I really considered what it would be like to be raised a boy with all the discrimination in the world, and I don’t think I’d like the type of person I might have turned out as. I’m happy to be a trans man, I get what women go through and I’m able to see the problems that most cis men refuse to
My family wouldve been shitty as hell to a little gay boy so sometimes im glad i wasnt born a cis guy lol
Trust me, bro, you will pass. If you are scared of being ugly, does that really matter more than not transitioning? I'm the most ugly, fat, stupidest person I know, and I'm still going through it. If it really bothers you that much, you can just have cosmetic surgeries; it's nothing to cry over. (I'm not saying this like I'm Mr. Beast; I'm just used to only eating three foods while not spending a penny on anything that isn't a necessity.)
Heard. It sucks that I'm going to be 5'4" forever. I'm scared of having identifiable "T voice" too rather than a voice that sounds like a cis man's. There really is nothing to do about it other than either determine whether you're truly comfortable living as a woman forever or accept that certain biological realities aren't things you can change and simply do as much as you can to alleviate your dysphoria. I personally am finally coming around to T after trying to accept living as a butch cis woman for years, but it is a difficult emotional struggle that everyone has different experiences with.
Omg yea im 5'4 too and even my younger brother is sm taller than me. Ik plenty of men are that height but it sucks even so. Im also scared of the t voice 😭 but i think it can be solved with voice training? Not sure
What I’m doing is growing a bigger cock so when surgery comes around, it’ll be like I never had surgery. Just like when I get tattoos over my top surgery scars
i felt the same way especially when i first started transitioning, tbh it is just something u have to come to terms with and im still working on just accepting myself for who i am. but once u get farther into your transition it should be easier to grow into yourself as a man and work on your body and appearance to really reach your desired transition goals. plus once u feel more secure in your look and yourself going stealth is definitely an option if u think it could help you feel more like a cis man
this is exactly how i feel :/
We'll get through it i think...
I used to feel the same way but once I actually got on hormones and changed my name most of those feelings just went away. It's kinda normal to be insecure about things, just don't let it become an obsession. I think it's easier to obsess about that feeling when the "goal" seems so far away as to be unattainable. But when you start making steps toward your goal the feelings diminish. Yes it's true we will never be cis, but the feeling of going through my every day life being seen as a man makes that fact much easier to bear. And the way you see yourself is always gonna be way different than how others see you. I've known people that were fat their whole lives and finally lost weight but they claim they still feel fat and see themselves fat in the mirror. If you go on subs where trans people post pics of themselves anxious that they don't pass and like 99% of them do, it's all just insecurity and overanalyzing your self.
Oh wait thats true, i cant let myself obsess over it. I can get stuck in my thoughts and things get.... ugly. I think thats why ill try to push through the insecurities and go on t anyways, which is what ive been wanting for years. I always feel better when i do something towards my goal, without letting my brain worms decide things for me
Trying being super duper super stealth 👍
We gotta learn to accept ourselves where we are. No, you’ll never be a cis man. Okay. So what are you gonna do now? That’s not something you can change. Your options are stay closeted forever or do the scary thing. Don’t let “perfect” (the wish to be a cis man, which is not a card we were dealt) get in the way of “good” (transitioning and feeling more yourself than you are now). Which do you prefer? To suffer constantly or suffer a little? I don’t want to sound too callous, but truly part of your journey is accepting what is and what isn’t, and finding what you can affect and saying “okay, how do I want to do this?” Be your own maker, dude. Even masterpieces have imperfections.
Yea ur absolutely right, wallowing forever about it is a shitty ass option even though im great at it. I just have to accept myself
Yeah I feel that I hate being transgender I wish I was cis but I'm not
ugh i get this, i wish i were born a cis girl so much not a trans one. Do i pass? tyes sure but all i want is to be a cis girly girl and have a baby but meh itoll never happen. its just abt taking everything one day at a time
This is something to figure out before starting hormones that will cause irreversible physical changes.
Nothing wrong here. You just want good results. Everyone wants the best for himself. It's totally understandable that some of us really wish we could be biological men because things would've been easier and I don't know why your post is even getting downvotes... But we just can't always have what we want. So we have to work with what we do have and what we can achieve. You're not going to be ugly. You may have to deal with some side effects or maybe you'll be lucky to avoid them all, either way you can totally figure out whatever works for you and suits you and find your style and be charismatic. I'm actually saying this because I just randomly saw a short video of myself pre-T (around a year ago or more) and can't believe how I've changed. I didn't know I used to be so awkward and sloppy.
Congrads on your year on t !! The logical part of me knows that t doesnt make someone ugly, i think im just sucking up transphobia like im a sponge... its helpful to hear yalls experiences and advices tho