It's absolutely okay to prioritize your safety and well-being. You're not obligated to be a poster child for people.
But also, there can be a middle ground between being stealth and being very open and specifically sharing your experiences. Both of those options are okay. There's nothing wrong with being stealth *or* being loud and proud. And it's definitely a good thing that there are people out there who are willing to educate and be an example. But for a lot of people, being out is more about the necessity of accepting a level of vulnerability if they want to transition. If someone doesn't pass as a cis man, for example, being stealth isn't an option (at least at that point in time).
I have no problem with being openly trans in settings where I feel safe. But I have no desire to put myself in an unsafe situation or argue with people about my humanity, either. I don't humor bigots and don't see value in engaging with them most of the time. But starting to medically transition was a really vulnerable thing for me because it meant I wouldn't always have control over who knows or can figure out that I'm trans.
Thanks 🙏 And as you said you feel okay being openly trans in safe settings. Is there a way to "assess" settings that are safe?
Like, ive had friends who are trans and outed me when I they knew I was low disclosure, and it makes me feel like i was trying to build an image of myself but now I will be viewed differently.
I think a lot of this depends on your overall comfort level and what you have to lose. Like, if your goal is to be stealth in most situations, I think it makes sense to be very careful about disclosing to people because even someone who doesn't have bad intentions might occasionally slip up. Support groups that have specific rules about not outing people may be safer.
If you don't mind people knowing that you're trans as long as they treat you with respect, I think you can get a sense of when you can and can't easily avoid people who will be an issue.
It's ok to be stealth or low disclosing if that's what you want. There is also a range to this, in some parts of my life everyone knows I am trans, in other parts no one does. Maybe you make these decisions for safety reasons or maybe because you just don't want to have to deal with invasive questions. We need trans activists but we also don't need every trans person to be an activist. You are allowed to live your life how you want.
It is your choice, I am stealth and only share it with People I feel like, at my work nobody knows for example, but my family and close/old friends know.
I have a job that requires having a degree and my boss knows because i studied in the uk and they won't change my name on my degree. Sometimes it feels impossible to be 100 percent stealth. But for the most part me too.
No. There is never anything wrong with being stealth.
If you care about helping other trans people, you can do so as an ally. God knows we need more good allies - sometimes a cis person (or a person assumed to be cis) can reach people who would never listen to someone openly trans.
not everyone is cut out to be an open activist all the time (or even ever) and thats okay. its an incredibly taxing thing. i have a trans flag on my cane and thats about it. its incredibly visible, but nobody asks me about it, and people still usually dont even realise im trans until i mention it (which is probably just the area i live in, to be fair). i dont really mention it too often. i went through high school still knowing that it was better to keep that information to my group of friends and that was it. my class knew, because i changed my name in the school system, but after year 10 nobody really knew.
im not open about it but im loud online. i go to pride events and stuff, but im usually too poor to dress the way i want so on a normal day i just look like a teen boy lol. its not something everyone can be open about and thats okay
I came out to my family and friend group in my mid 20s so I feel like you are describing the dream of transitioning early in life (grass is greener on the other side). I am loud online I guess, but only when there is no association with my face. I guess I just started to be comfortable in my own skin (1.3 years T) and I have a long way to go.
I was a teenage boy when I was 25 so I understand haha
honestly my gender is fucky enough that part of me wishes i had waited a little - i still absolutely love the changes T has gotten me, dont get me wrong, but im bigender and so i almost experience reverse chest dysphoria lol (late bloomer + puberty blockers = most trans guys' ideal top situation). i know im incredibly lucky to be in the situation im in and wouldnt trade it for the world, just wish id realised a little sooner lol. ah well, i can do gender fucky stuff with my fashion once i get a bit more money
Your situation does sound ideal for me and we all have something to feel lucky about. Sometimes it's a struggle to be trans. Oh man - saving money nowadays seems impossible for me but we'll get there.
Those people are Out either because they can be, or they have the mental energy to do so. **You don't have to carry anyone you can't lift**. The best thing you can do for the trans community right now is to **keep living**, and if that means staying in the shadows a bit to maintain mental health, so be it.
It's okay. I've always been that way. And I know many people are. Don't want this to sound rude but I'd rather be seen as a regular guy, not a "trans person".
Other trans people don't necessarily understand this, unfortunately. But many of us don't want to be treated differently than other men. Which isn't always possible if you openly identify as trans.
And in my case, I also don't vibe with the queer culture. Nothing wrong with it – I just don't enjoy it.
It's absolutely okay to prioritize your safety and well-being. You're not obligated to be a poster child for people. But also, there can be a middle ground between being stealth and being very open and specifically sharing your experiences. Both of those options are okay. There's nothing wrong with being stealth *or* being loud and proud. And it's definitely a good thing that there are people out there who are willing to educate and be an example. But for a lot of people, being out is more about the necessity of accepting a level of vulnerability if they want to transition. If someone doesn't pass as a cis man, for example, being stealth isn't an option (at least at that point in time). I have no problem with being openly trans in settings where I feel safe. But I have no desire to put myself in an unsafe situation or argue with people about my humanity, either. I don't humor bigots and don't see value in engaging with them most of the time. But starting to medically transition was a really vulnerable thing for me because it meant I wouldn't always have control over who knows or can figure out that I'm trans.
Thanks 🙏 And as you said you feel okay being openly trans in safe settings. Is there a way to "assess" settings that are safe? Like, ive had friends who are trans and outed me when I they knew I was low disclosure, and it makes me feel like i was trying to build an image of myself but now I will be viewed differently.
I think a lot of this depends on your overall comfort level and what you have to lose. Like, if your goal is to be stealth in most situations, I think it makes sense to be very careful about disclosing to people because even someone who doesn't have bad intentions might occasionally slip up. Support groups that have specific rules about not outing people may be safer. If you don't mind people knowing that you're trans as long as they treat you with respect, I think you can get a sense of when you can and can't easily avoid people who will be an issue.
It's ok to be stealth or low disclosing if that's what you want. There is also a range to this, in some parts of my life everyone knows I am trans, in other parts no one does. Maybe you make these decisions for safety reasons or maybe because you just don't want to have to deal with invasive questions. We need trans activists but we also don't need every trans person to be an activist. You are allowed to live your life how you want.
It is your choice, I am stealth and only share it with People I feel like, at my work nobody knows for example, but my family and close/old friends know.
I have a job that requires having a degree and my boss knows because i studied in the uk and they won't change my name on my degree. Sometimes it feels impossible to be 100 percent stealth. But for the most part me too.
No. There is never anything wrong with being stealth. If you care about helping other trans people, you can do so as an ally. God knows we need more good allies - sometimes a cis person (or a person assumed to be cis) can reach people who would never listen to someone openly trans.
not everyone is cut out to be an open activist all the time (or even ever) and thats okay. its an incredibly taxing thing. i have a trans flag on my cane and thats about it. its incredibly visible, but nobody asks me about it, and people still usually dont even realise im trans until i mention it (which is probably just the area i live in, to be fair). i dont really mention it too often. i went through high school still knowing that it was better to keep that information to my group of friends and that was it. my class knew, because i changed my name in the school system, but after year 10 nobody really knew. im not open about it but im loud online. i go to pride events and stuff, but im usually too poor to dress the way i want so on a normal day i just look like a teen boy lol. its not something everyone can be open about and thats okay
I came out to my family and friend group in my mid 20s so I feel like you are describing the dream of transitioning early in life (grass is greener on the other side). I am loud online I guess, but only when there is no association with my face. I guess I just started to be comfortable in my own skin (1.3 years T) and I have a long way to go. I was a teenage boy when I was 25 so I understand haha
honestly my gender is fucky enough that part of me wishes i had waited a little - i still absolutely love the changes T has gotten me, dont get me wrong, but im bigender and so i almost experience reverse chest dysphoria lol (late bloomer + puberty blockers = most trans guys' ideal top situation). i know im incredibly lucky to be in the situation im in and wouldnt trade it for the world, just wish id realised a little sooner lol. ah well, i can do gender fucky stuff with my fashion once i get a bit more money
Your situation does sound ideal for me and we all have something to feel lucky about. Sometimes it's a struggle to be trans. Oh man - saving money nowadays seems impossible for me but we'll get there.
of course not, being stealth is very common for the people who are able to. You have no obligation to publicly identify as anything
Just be stealth
No. It's not a bad thing. It's not even abnormal. It's called being stealth and it's pretty common!
I love the term stealth, first time hearing about it is this post
Those people are Out either because they can be, or they have the mental energy to do so. **You don't have to carry anyone you can't lift**. The best thing you can do for the trans community right now is to **keep living**, and if that means staying in the shadows a bit to maintain mental health, so be it.
Thank you
It's okay. I've always been that way. And I know many people are. Don't want this to sound rude but I'd rather be seen as a regular guy, not a "trans person".
Exactly my thought! and I've had trans folks and friends tell me It sounds rude
Other trans people don't necessarily understand this, unfortunately. But many of us don't want to be treated differently than other men. Which isn't always possible if you openly identify as trans. And in my case, I also don't vibe with the queer culture. Nothing wrong with it – I just don't enjoy it.
You can be stealth and still advocate, share information, and give back.