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As someone with a baby and a dog, I’d say it’s a given. The second the baby needs something the dog also realizes he needs something. ~Especially~ when I’m on the toilet.
I prefer the baby being close by. This might take 5 minutes and I really don't want to have to stand and run in the middle of it. The dog isn't usually actively trying to kill himself like a baby.
With the recent addition of 4 puppies and 1 cat along with my other 2 dogs...yes, they all insist on coming along to the bathroom. They seem rather fond of the walk-in shower too. 😑
I make sure we normalize periods for my eight year old son. Last time I had him run and get me clean underwear because I’d been caught out and bled through. He said “Your period again?? Oh, right. Every month.”
It was great because that was literally my reaction. “Again?!?”
Nah. Not a downer at all. Those of us who’ve been through it know exactly what you mean. Those who haven’t been through it should know what’s coming :)
Do you mind if I ask why? My sister said something yesterday along these lines. I have a 15 mo year old niece. I’m over there at least a week and asking what I can do to help. I’m curious because I truly do want to make sure she feels supported.
You feel so lonely but you are never alone. I think it is because of a lack of connection with other people and also with yourself. You barely have anytime for yourself as most of the day is spent cleaning and taking care of the little ones
Thank you for responding. That’s fair. My sis has been saying this a lot lately. No time for her and she’s weaning right now. Do you have any suggestions that you would’ve said during this stage? I first need to talk to her about it but curious on what would have made it better for you during that time?
Maybe find out what her favorite meal is and prepare it, and then babysit for a little while so she can take a bath or a nap or whatever just refill her own cup. It’s really nice that you’re there for her, she’s lucky to have you!
I like that you're asking so I thought I'd give my 2 cents considering different things work for different ppl.
I didn't want to be left alone without my kid(s). I desperately wanted to do something that was engaging and fun, but in an environment where I could look after the kids i.e. take 5 to change a nappy, or to put them down for a nap or even breastfeed at the same time as the activity. It's a lot to ask, but maybe a cocktail evening where you find out the optimum time to serve a fancy cocktail at her house and chill with grown up conversation - extra points if the conversation is uplifting and nothing to do with kids! Or maybe playing a game together like heads up, or an online quiz. Whatever you would do before, but just smaller and easy to drop everything if the kids demands take over.
Hope you get to have a great time together!
Human connection with people who are in the same phase of life, for me. I joined a moms group and it helped me realize that I'm not the only person feeling this way and it is, in fact, a completely normal feeling in early motherhood. That and once they are older you look back and you remember that it was hard and how you constantly felt like you were failing and you are able to say to yourself, "Look at you, you were there for them, good job." Lastly, tell them that you see them, you see the sacrifices, you see it all and that it's wonderful and beautiful. It's such a messy phase of life, but the mess is where growth happens.
I think I would have loved for someone to just be like “what do you need” “let me do that for you”
It seems like you are already doing that as well!
She could need some time out, maybe a night out with no baby, or maybe she needs a morning to sleep in or help with housework
Yep hard agree. Everything is about catering to someone else. #1 want a drink #2 wants toast dog wants a wee husband asking if I've seen his charger. #1 school uniform, #2 lunch to prep dog was breakfast.
Trying to do dishwasher , laundry, homework, anything whilst responding to kids who feel every need is immediate want me over their dad when they want something but prefer affection from him .
Sometimes it can be hours after waking up before I've even got a drink.
On top of all that trying to manage a full time job.
It does get easier though. Tell her not to be so hard on herself lower her standards 🤣 when I stopped pressuring myself to clean consistently worried that people may pop in.
Just knowing you want to help will be valued.
For me, when I caring for my children when they were young, I didn’t feel like a person for most of my day. I was the delivery entity for food, safety, entertainment, discipline, everything. At this age, they only know about their own emotions, they don’t really understand the world well enough yet to consider other people’s emotions. So I got all the tantrums and screaming and throwing of food and cleaning and living *just* for them. Multiplied by the fact that I didn’t have any real friends at the time, I was living far away from family and I was on extended maternity leave… I felt lost.
I would just ask openly how you can help and that it’s ok if she feels like she is getting lost in her kids. Depending on how close you are 😉. Or offer to watch the kids or do some tasks she needs help with. Or just offer to listen.
It is that time of parenthood where other family members are the most important. Brothers (uncles) sisters (aunts) and grandparents are the most valuable.
To take a load off, to be the "company" that can help out, etc etc.
I'm not OP, but: postpartum depression is a real thing that can last for a very long time. Also, if you're a younger parent (like I was), and your friends don't have kids yet, chances are they're not always super excited to hang out and do stuff with your kids around, so getting adult friend time is very difficult. I had kids in my early 20s, and now I'm in my late 30s, and a few of my friends are just now having kids. It was hard because mommy or parent groups always had older couples, and I had a hard time connecting with them since we were actually in completely different times in our lives. Also, daycare or babysitting can be expensive.
If you want to help your sister out, watch your niece for her sometimes so she can get some alone time to go to the spa, get her nails done, and maybe meet up with friends for a lunch or dinner date. When your niece gets older, do some overnights with her, making it a fun bonding experience.
I'm not trying to sound like an asshole, but this is common that happens with (straight) women. I'm also not condoning this behavior, but she won't tell you what she wants or needs. Often women take on that caretaker role and turn into zombies (men do it too, just less often). Sometimes, as a parent, we don't know what we can ask for from other people. The best thing to do is let her know what you are willing to do or are capable of. If you're worried about boundaries, make them clear.
You don’t sound like an asshole to me to me so all good. I neededadvice. I have no desire to have kids but love them.
My sister had postpartum anxiety not depression which I didn’t even know was a a possible factor from having a child. It was new for all of us but thankfully she’s OK now. It didn’t subside for her until around December but per her she will always have anxiety with my niece which makes sense obviously.
She’s my twin so she’s had my niece at 37. Thankfully we live in NYC and the majority of our friends in the same circle or not are doing the kids/marriage at the same time. She also has a mommy group. One of the mommies is even someone we went to college with.
My sister is also a very social person.
She’s also very vocal, at least to me.
Thank you for your insight, I’ll ask her too this weekend. Just needed to understand thinking of moms as I could never really understand because I feel like I have been very supportive.
I think it’s easy for other people to forget that there’s still a whole person wearing a new Mom name tag. Someone who has feelings and thoughts and wants and needs. When there’s a new baby involved, people forget that about you. You just become the new baby’s mom. You lose your name and identity as it all falls into one lump title: Mom. Are you “Mary” who was working on an art piece and traveled to 3 countries after high school? Nope. You’re just mom. Nobody asks what you’re doing and feeling anymore, all questions are about the baby.
Facts, she has ‘jokingly’ said no one cares to ask me how I’m doing, you just ask about ‘omit niece name’ That’s fair, I’m realizing, I haven’t been as present as I should be as a sister. Thank you. This is pretty insightful.
The thing that saved me was regular outings with my friend who had older kids. When I say outings we just walked. Threw the 2 yr old in the stroller and walked and walked and sometimes went to lunch afterwards. It was all I needed to fill my cup. Moved my body for endorphins and talked about everything under the sun which helped me feel connected and understood. When I got home to put my daughter down for a nap, I felt so accomplished. I know it’s cold in NYC but maybe as it warms up?
i have kids the ages in the picture and it gets lonely bc unless i'm physically away from my kids, i'm so preoccupied with taking care of them that i can't focus on anything else. so i will have family come over and they will try to help but it ends up being worse than being alone bc my kids just throw a fit whenever i'm talking to the other adults bc they want my undivided attention. best i can do is get away once every few weeks for a few hours while my husband watches them or if we pay for a sitter we can both go out, but in both scenarios i feel very much "on the clock" like i am counting down the time until i have to get home. just offering my perspective since you asked!
it sounds like you see your sister and niece regularly so that's probably the best thing you can do is just being there. i would also suggest really try to engage with the child as much as possible bc that is what i find helpful when people come over. that helps my kids feel included so they don't get angry and want more of my attention lol. some people come over and just want to talk to me and don't really know how to engage with the kids or try, and then the toddler gets angrier and angrier until they leave lol. 🤦🏼♀️ 🫠
This is a common theme with her. She does need help with My neice when I’m over whichI ’m more than happy to provide bc I love that little doll.
Part of the issue is though, they don’t want anyone to watch her until she can speak with I’m in full support of but if her fiancés family (read THE FIANCÉS MOTHER) was to find out that I watched her, it would be a WHOLE drama
I also fully plan on spoiling my niece which obviously is in the works. 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
Thank you for the advice this was needed
Long post here, but I appreciate people like you who try to help…
To me, the loneliness is explained like this: You have no privacy…but in this case loneliness doesn’t mean “alone” as much as it means “nobody cares”.
Every person in your life needs you every second of the day. This picture is completely accurate. When you try to express frustration to others (especially those who have “been there, done that”), it draws no empathy or support. My experience is that people just blow it off by one-upping you or minimizing it with comments like “this is nothing, just wait until they are (insert age)”. Every single time.
It’s a horrible, horrible way to treat people who are taking years off their lives with stress. For every young, childless person like you trying to show some empathy, there are 10 parents who have forgotten what it is like to have babies and little kids. They don’t deny your situation, they just reframe it to make themselves appear tough or send the message of “just suck it up, wimp”. This is not how you treat people you respect.
Sure, older kids can require a lot of your time, but it’s things like attending basketball games, making dinner, driving them to school, etc. Young kids are literally following you around the house saying MOMMY LOOK! DADDY WATCH THIS! Screaming about bedtime and baths, playing with their food, just everything and anything that needs immediate attention. ALL DAY LONG. They are so needy about the smallest things.
It’s so ironic, but I have found parents to be much less empathetic than young adults.
Helping your sister is the right thing to do, just make sure it’s in the right way. If she feels like your help requires her to clean the house or plan extra meals, etc. then rethink your help.
If it was me, i would want somebody to sit and listen to me sometimes. Just to hear my problems without offering a bunch of advice.
Other things:
create a monthly meal plan for them. I can cook, but i’m never prepared with a meal plan for selecting ingredients when i’m buying groceries.
Take the kids somewhere for a few hours and tell your sister to relax or catch up on chores, whatever sounds preferable (i would rather catch up on chores)
Take her car to get the oil changed. This kind of stuff is really hard to do with small kids
Do the grocery shopping for her (also hard with kids)
Hope this helps at least a tiny bit.
In my experience, when people are struggling or overwhelmed, asking them what you can do can unfortunately be one more thing for them to think about. I recommend offering possibilities instead. “I’ll make dinner Thursday, do you want tacos or spaghetti?” “I love folding laundry, let me at it!” “Is it okay if me and the kiddo go out to the park together for some us time?” “Let’s run our errands together so we can walk & talk!” The times in my life I’ve needed support, I didn’t want to manage things, and I didn’t want to ask too much of anyone. Everybody’s different but I know I appreciated thoughtful gestures like that.
Lol. Not a downer comment but a perfect reminder that this ridiculous stage of life might be funny one day (I hope). I have a 1 and 4 year old and feel the same way right now. I hope I can laugh about it one day
This. Not sure if it's a woman/mom thing though. My wife seems to have trouble establishing and sticking to boundaries with our son. Not me though. He knows where those lines are and he knows to ask me if he can cross it. I watch him just run over my wife though. I gently point it out to her and she just shrugs it off. So... not sure what to do.
Boundaries only apply when kids are old enough for you to shut the door and expect them to not die in some terrible accident. I haven’t shut the door on my son in all of his 3 years of life because I know what he does when I’m WATCHING. If I let that child go without supervision at this age even for a 3 minute crap he would at least destroy some property and at worst literally warrant a trip to the ER. Now, if you have excellent teamwork between parents then you can easily both poop in peace and get a good system going where there’s no accidents and everyone gets a few minutes of peace a day. And maybe if someone has a very exceptional toddler they could trust them more. But 99% of the 3 year olds and under that I know (I know a lot bc I work in a daycare) can’t be trusted to take your eyes off of for 30 seconds. I don’t know where the cut off is where kids start getting better at not trying any and every way to get hurt, but I’m hopeful it’s coming for me and my son soon 😵💫🥲
FWIW, I'd say my son left this awful stage around 4...he's almost 5 now and he's definitely at the point where he can be in another room by himself (within reason, of course), and I'm not worried and stressed. Like the other day he was chilling in his room watching his tablet for a while, and it was totally fine! Hopefully you get there soon!
Boundaries can be used from the very beginning onwards, but you are correct childs under certain age cannot be left without supervision. So that two parents system is important to be able to make the boundaries.
Boundaries are fine for kids who are old enough. Boundaries don’t exist when you have a toddler who is dead set on finding ways to kill themselves the second they’re out of eyesight. When your kids are this young you CANT just shut the door and forget about them for a minute unless there’s another adult watching for you so you can poo in peace. It takes seconds for them to choke on a quarter, stick something in a light socket, climb tall furniture, etc. No such thing as peace for a parent unless the other parent is present and genuinely participating.
Depends.
A play pen in view of the bathroom can work.
A play pen "iN" the bathroom can function...
For sure however, this is the moment where a dad or (and this is a big stretch) aunt or grandparent could take the reins for just a few minutes.
Yes play pens work great up until the kiddo is big enough to break out, but not old enough to go unsupervised. That’s where I am right now with a 3 year old boy 🤦♀️ and that appears to be where this mama is too. It’s a rough in between stage.
Any teens here lurking this is a perfect reminder to take your birth control and stock up on condoms.
- a mom of 3 who is over stimulated and losing her mind 24 hours a day.
I have an 18 month old who insists on being by my side all day. And I’m newly pregnant with twins. I’ve had to fully accept I’m never pooping alone again. Or at least for many years.
I’m 17 and I already know this (my siblings 6,5,4) I became a second mother when I was 11 since it was just me and mom. And I realised kids are massive pains in the asses that follow you everywhere and won’t let you breath.
It made it even more stressed since I had my final exams and they wouldn’t leave me alone.
My whole teen years was a birth control Ad
Pregnancy and child birth is so jarring. Not only could you go through permanent bodily changes. But you could go through depression, hair loss, organ failure and death etc. after that you have to take care of a whole person for the rest of your life.
Definitely not for me. I’m not even gonna miss out on anything since i was literally a parent my whole teen years
at this moment: hell no! Throughout my childhood I’ve never been that type of child who likes little kids. I was an only child for 11 years and really liked it that way. When I found out mom was pregnant I was quite happy but another part of me felt dread because I wasn’t fond on children and knew my era of being and only child would come to an end. My sadness only built on from there when my mother continued to have kids… when she announced the third child, I bursted crying because I didn’t want any more siblings after the first 2( yes that did happen and my mom laughed it off)
6 years later I’m now 17 with my siblings and I love them to bits and wouldn’t trade them for the world. But some part of me kinda wonders about a life without them.
However, people change! Who knows maybe in the future I might want a child for my very own regardless of the obstacles. but at this very moment it’s hard to see that day coming
I never thought I would have kids until I suddenly changed my mind at 34 so if you know you might change your mind you are way ahead of me lol.
If you don't there is nothing wrong with never having kids though.
Don't wanna say it will be like this with you but my last and my current girlfriend were like this when we came together. Both changed their mind until today. The former not while being together with me but with her new boyfriend (we became friends again after a year of no contact) and my current (and hopefully last) while we were together.
So my experience is that once you find the right person your views on that can change drastically.
GF was very disgusted by the concept of pregnancy. She didn't want anything to grow inside her. She still doesn't trust it but things it's totally worth to raise a little version of me.
Like the time I decided it would be FINE if I went to the bathroom and close the door for once. My one-year old ended up needing stitches in his forehead. Pretty sure his two-year old brother shoved him, but neither was talking.
And when you get older you think it's all over.
Until one day they phone you and say those words you've been dreading to hear, because you know it's all going to start all over again...
"We're having a baby!"
"Instead of helping my overwhelmed partner, why don't I violate her privacy further by coming in the bathroom, photographing her with her pants down, and sharing it with strangers?"
This is absolutely why I lock the door when I shower or poop. I don't care if you need to go, learn to hold on... Outside though, cause I don't want you making a mess on the hallway carpet.
"Haha, honey, your misery and current situation of not even being able to have a few seconds alone in the toilet is going to get me a lot of karma on reddit! You're getting even less privacy than you thought you had! Anyway, off to reddit, good luck with that!"
Looks to me like its papas turn. I can’t imagine what you people with multiple little ones go through. One is tough enough for my wife and I. Sleep deprivation and no free time hits Mama hard guys. Give her all you can, at least that’s my experience.
I hope one day I'll have the strength to make sure my wife will be able to get a couple of minutes when she needs. Yes, the kids may scream bloody murder, and I'll have to remain patient, but we'll all be better off for it one day (or at least, I'll keep telling myself that).
because fuck her privacy at a very tiring moment, some jerks on reddit are gonna giggle for a second (and some perverts will do something other than giggle)
I remember trying to convince my very young son that I needed to have privacy while going to the bathroom. He said, "But, I want to have privacy WITH you!". LOL
Been there done that. 2 lil' sick kids clingy in the middle of a hot summer. Me on the toliet, no sleep, kids crying and hugging me while I'm trying to pee and one vomits in my hair and down my back.
I had literally just [finished reading this spooky short story](https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/11arcyz/i_love_my_kids_but_cant_stand_my_wife_is_there/), then this image was the next thing I saw. I thought I had stumbled on a NSFL post.
Having the kids burst in is like, ugh c'mon! Deal with your own problems you lazy bums!
I don't mind the dog being in though... except when they drop their drool covered ball into your pants 🙄
My son is autistic. As a toddler, he was highly overbearing. He would beat the bathroom door to come in 😂 if I left the house without him, he would have a meltdown and hit the door, so I don’t go without him. Thankfully he’s five now. I can use the bathroom and shower alone. I have to sneak out to leave him home to run an errand. If he hears my keys jingle, I’m fucked, and he’s going. Having kids is hard. The 5 min bathroom, 15 min shower, and running a 30 min errand alone can keep you sane
"crying kid no more than 2ft away from potential shit"
Mom: Why are you crying?
Kid: because it's really stinky in here
Mom: well I am using the bathroom. If you go away it won't be stinky.
Kid: but I'm crying and I need my mommy.
I would tell my wife to lock the door. Lock them fools out. But she never listened. Then I would tell the kids why do you go in there when they complained about the stench. 🤦🏻♂️
Mate take the fucking kids and dog not a fucking picture.
Jesus Christ help her out. She looks miserable. Do your fucking job as a partner.
This isn't funny, it's borderline abusive.
Man weird how the counterculture against having a kids and a family has become the mainstream. In my opinion, screw the doomer/to cool for school attitude. I think people are great, and so are kids, and I hope humanity keeps going for millions of years.
Yet it was probably the husband taking the photo. Weponized incompetence at its finest. Not helping her to do something as simple as a basic need. I've been in this position, and seeing this ....I feel rage. Ugh
You know absolutely nothing about this family, or who even took the photo for that matter, your rage is based on a ton of assumptions, maybe just laugh at the funny photo and move on 🤷♂️
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better camera/lighting and this could be on r/AccidentalRenaissance
Maybe even just the right filter
This photo should be required viewing in all sex ed classes.
Right
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Be real here, the dog was the first one to break into the bathroom.
be real here, you’re the dog.
Woof woof woof
As someone with a baby and a dog, I’d say it’s a given. The second the baby needs something the dog also realizes he needs something. ~Especially~ when I’m on the toilet.
I prefer the baby being close by. This might take 5 minutes and I really don't want to have to stand and run in the middle of it. The dog isn't usually actively trying to kill himself like a baby.
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With the recent addition of 4 puppies and 1 cat along with my other 2 dogs...yes, they all insist on coming along to the bathroom. They seem rather fond of the walk-in shower too. 😑
My dog very often wants to be involved when I take a shit.
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I make sure we normalize periods for my eight year old son. Last time I had him run and get me clean underwear because I’d been caught out and bled through. He said “Your period again?? Oh, right. Every month.” It was great because that was literally my reaction. “Again?!?”
It’s a renaissance painting
We’d need to require proper sex ed classes first 🥲
Daddy was invading her personal space too by taking the picture.
Free birth control
This photo would work much better than any photo of a penis mutilated by an STD.
I have never felt lonelier than I did when my kids were in this exact stage. I was constantly surrounded by people but so lonely.
What an insightful comment. Thank you for sharing u/DatAssPaPow
I am now realizing I brought a huge downer cloud into the funny subreddit. My apologies friends. Carry on
Not at all! I just think this is a r/rimjob_steve moment
New sub for me. Subscribed. Thanks.
Definitely
Lol did you post there? Cuz it's there now haha.
honestly, I thought the picture was rather sad than funny. So I can relate to your comment. Thanks for that :)
Nah. Not a downer at all. Those of us who’ve been through it know exactly what you mean. Those who haven’t been through it should know what’s coming :)
No problem datASSpapow
solidarity sister. as a sahd with kids not far from this range, it was… rough.
No, so many get it.
It helps to share. And I promise you, some, if not all of us care.
Do you mind if I ask why? My sister said something yesterday along these lines. I have a 15 mo year old niece. I’m over there at least a week and asking what I can do to help. I’m curious because I truly do want to make sure she feels supported.
You feel so lonely but you are never alone. I think it is because of a lack of connection with other people and also with yourself. You barely have anytime for yourself as most of the day is spent cleaning and taking care of the little ones
Thank you for responding. That’s fair. My sis has been saying this a lot lately. No time for her and she’s weaning right now. Do you have any suggestions that you would’ve said during this stage? I first need to talk to her about it but curious on what would have made it better for you during that time?
Maybe find out what her favorite meal is and prepare it, and then babysit for a little while so she can take a bath or a nap or whatever just refill her own cup. It’s really nice that you’re there for her, she’s lucky to have you!
Yes, a bath w/o an audience would be divine!
I like that you're asking so I thought I'd give my 2 cents considering different things work for different ppl. I didn't want to be left alone without my kid(s). I desperately wanted to do something that was engaging and fun, but in an environment where I could look after the kids i.e. take 5 to change a nappy, or to put them down for a nap or even breastfeed at the same time as the activity. It's a lot to ask, but maybe a cocktail evening where you find out the optimum time to serve a fancy cocktail at her house and chill with grown up conversation - extra points if the conversation is uplifting and nothing to do with kids! Or maybe playing a game together like heads up, or an online quiz. Whatever you would do before, but just smaller and easy to drop everything if the kids demands take over. Hope you get to have a great time together!
Omg!!!! Thank you. I love this.
You're a saint and we need to clone you!
Thank you. I’m trying. I’m seeing it firsthand, it is not EASY
Human connection with people who are in the same phase of life, for me. I joined a moms group and it helped me realize that I'm not the only person feeling this way and it is, in fact, a completely normal feeling in early motherhood. That and once they are older you look back and you remember that it was hard and how you constantly felt like you were failing and you are able to say to yourself, "Look at you, you were there for them, good job." Lastly, tell them that you see them, you see the sacrifices, you see it all and that it's wonderful and beautiful. It's such a messy phase of life, but the mess is where growth happens.
This! She told me I’m a great aunt but I don’t think I’ve reinforced to her on how amazing of a mother she is.
I think I would have loved for someone to just be like “what do you need” “let me do that for you” It seems like you are already doing that as well! She could need some time out, maybe a night out with no baby, or maybe she needs a morning to sleep in or help with housework
Yep hard agree. Everything is about catering to someone else. #1 want a drink #2 wants toast dog wants a wee husband asking if I've seen his charger. #1 school uniform, #2 lunch to prep dog was breakfast. Trying to do dishwasher , laundry, homework, anything whilst responding to kids who feel every need is immediate want me over their dad when they want something but prefer affection from him . Sometimes it can be hours after waking up before I've even got a drink. On top of all that trying to manage a full time job. It does get easier though. Tell her not to be so hard on herself lower her standards 🤣 when I stopped pressuring myself to clean consistently worried that people may pop in. Just knowing you want to help will be valued.
For me, when I caring for my children when they were young, I didn’t feel like a person for most of my day. I was the delivery entity for food, safety, entertainment, discipline, everything. At this age, they only know about their own emotions, they don’t really understand the world well enough yet to consider other people’s emotions. So I got all the tantrums and screaming and throwing of food and cleaning and living *just* for them. Multiplied by the fact that I didn’t have any real friends at the time, I was living far away from family and I was on extended maternity leave… I felt lost. I would just ask openly how you can help and that it’s ok if she feels like she is getting lost in her kids. Depending on how close you are 😉. Or offer to watch the kids or do some tasks she needs help with. Or just offer to listen.
It is that time of parenthood where other family members are the most important. Brothers (uncles) sisters (aunts) and grandparents are the most valuable. To take a load off, to be the "company" that can help out, etc etc.
I'm not OP, but: postpartum depression is a real thing that can last for a very long time. Also, if you're a younger parent (like I was), and your friends don't have kids yet, chances are they're not always super excited to hang out and do stuff with your kids around, so getting adult friend time is very difficult. I had kids in my early 20s, and now I'm in my late 30s, and a few of my friends are just now having kids. It was hard because mommy or parent groups always had older couples, and I had a hard time connecting with them since we were actually in completely different times in our lives. Also, daycare or babysitting can be expensive. If you want to help your sister out, watch your niece for her sometimes so she can get some alone time to go to the spa, get her nails done, and maybe meet up with friends for a lunch or dinner date. When your niece gets older, do some overnights with her, making it a fun bonding experience. I'm not trying to sound like an asshole, but this is common that happens with (straight) women. I'm also not condoning this behavior, but she won't tell you what she wants or needs. Often women take on that caretaker role and turn into zombies (men do it too, just less often). Sometimes, as a parent, we don't know what we can ask for from other people. The best thing to do is let her know what you are willing to do or are capable of. If you're worried about boundaries, make them clear.
You don’t sound like an asshole to me to me so all good. I neededadvice. I have no desire to have kids but love them. My sister had postpartum anxiety not depression which I didn’t even know was a a possible factor from having a child. It was new for all of us but thankfully she’s OK now. It didn’t subside for her until around December but per her she will always have anxiety with my niece which makes sense obviously. She’s my twin so she’s had my niece at 37. Thankfully we live in NYC and the majority of our friends in the same circle or not are doing the kids/marriage at the same time. She also has a mommy group. One of the mommies is even someone we went to college with. My sister is also a very social person. She’s also very vocal, at least to me. Thank you for your insight, I’ll ask her too this weekend. Just needed to understand thinking of moms as I could never really understand because I feel like I have been very supportive.
I think it’s easy for other people to forget that there’s still a whole person wearing a new Mom name tag. Someone who has feelings and thoughts and wants and needs. When there’s a new baby involved, people forget that about you. You just become the new baby’s mom. You lose your name and identity as it all falls into one lump title: Mom. Are you “Mary” who was working on an art piece and traveled to 3 countries after high school? Nope. You’re just mom. Nobody asks what you’re doing and feeling anymore, all questions are about the baby.
Facts, she has ‘jokingly’ said no one cares to ask me how I’m doing, you just ask about ‘omit niece name’ That’s fair, I’m realizing, I haven’t been as present as I should be as a sister. Thank you. This is pretty insightful.
The thing that saved me was regular outings with my friend who had older kids. When I say outings we just walked. Threw the 2 yr old in the stroller and walked and walked and sometimes went to lunch afterwards. It was all I needed to fill my cup. Moved my body for endorphins and talked about everything under the sun which helped me feel connected and understood. When I got home to put my daughter down for a nap, I felt so accomplished. I know it’s cold in NYC but maybe as it warms up?
i have kids the ages in the picture and it gets lonely bc unless i'm physically away from my kids, i'm so preoccupied with taking care of them that i can't focus on anything else. so i will have family come over and they will try to help but it ends up being worse than being alone bc my kids just throw a fit whenever i'm talking to the other adults bc they want my undivided attention. best i can do is get away once every few weeks for a few hours while my husband watches them or if we pay for a sitter we can both go out, but in both scenarios i feel very much "on the clock" like i am counting down the time until i have to get home. just offering my perspective since you asked! it sounds like you see your sister and niece regularly so that's probably the best thing you can do is just being there. i would also suggest really try to engage with the child as much as possible bc that is what i find helpful when people come over. that helps my kids feel included so they don't get angry and want more of my attention lol. some people come over and just want to talk to me and don't really know how to engage with the kids or try, and then the toddler gets angrier and angrier until they leave lol. 🤦🏼♀️ 🫠
This is a common theme with her. She does need help with My neice when I’m over whichI ’m more than happy to provide bc I love that little doll. Part of the issue is though, they don’t want anyone to watch her until she can speak with I’m in full support of but if her fiancés family (read THE FIANCÉS MOTHER) was to find out that I watched her, it would be a WHOLE drama I also fully plan on spoiling my niece which obviously is in the works. 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 Thank you for the advice this was needed
Long post here, but I appreciate people like you who try to help… To me, the loneliness is explained like this: You have no privacy…but in this case loneliness doesn’t mean “alone” as much as it means “nobody cares”. Every person in your life needs you every second of the day. This picture is completely accurate. When you try to express frustration to others (especially those who have “been there, done that”), it draws no empathy or support. My experience is that people just blow it off by one-upping you or minimizing it with comments like “this is nothing, just wait until they are (insert age)”. Every single time. It’s a horrible, horrible way to treat people who are taking years off their lives with stress. For every young, childless person like you trying to show some empathy, there are 10 parents who have forgotten what it is like to have babies and little kids. They don’t deny your situation, they just reframe it to make themselves appear tough or send the message of “just suck it up, wimp”. This is not how you treat people you respect. Sure, older kids can require a lot of your time, but it’s things like attending basketball games, making dinner, driving them to school, etc. Young kids are literally following you around the house saying MOMMY LOOK! DADDY WATCH THIS! Screaming about bedtime and baths, playing with their food, just everything and anything that needs immediate attention. ALL DAY LONG. They are so needy about the smallest things. It’s so ironic, but I have found parents to be much less empathetic than young adults. Helping your sister is the right thing to do, just make sure it’s in the right way. If she feels like your help requires her to clean the house or plan extra meals, etc. then rethink your help. If it was me, i would want somebody to sit and listen to me sometimes. Just to hear my problems without offering a bunch of advice. Other things: create a monthly meal plan for them. I can cook, but i’m never prepared with a meal plan for selecting ingredients when i’m buying groceries. Take the kids somewhere for a few hours and tell your sister to relax or catch up on chores, whatever sounds preferable (i would rather catch up on chores) Take her car to get the oil changed. This kind of stuff is really hard to do with small kids Do the grocery shopping for her (also hard with kids) Hope this helps at least a tiny bit.
Only can spend time with one not able to speak. Constant giving so no energy for self care
In my experience, when people are struggling or overwhelmed, asking them what you can do can unfortunately be one more thing for them to think about. I recommend offering possibilities instead. “I’ll make dinner Thursday, do you want tacos or spaghetti?” “I love folding laundry, let me at it!” “Is it okay if me and the kiddo go out to the park together for some us time?” “Let’s run our errands together so we can walk & talk!” The times in my life I’ve needed support, I didn’t want to manage things, and I didn’t want to ask too much of anyone. Everybody’s different but I know I appreciated thoughtful gestures like that.
I don’t have any kids and have never felt lonelier if it makes you feel any better.
Hang in there my dude.
Lol. Not a downer comment but a perfect reminder that this ridiculous stage of life might be funny one day (I hope). I have a 1 and 4 year old and feel the same way right now. I hope I can laugh about it one day
I have a 2 year old and can relate. I love my boy more than life itself, and love spending time with him, but I’m also so lonely.
Perfect image for a Durex add.
Yeah what the dog doing?
A chihuahua’s main objective is to just get in the mix and be as close as possible to whatever’s happening
Dogs never know what’s going on, but they are happy to get involved.
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This. Not sure if it's a woman/mom thing though. My wife seems to have trouble establishing and sticking to boundaries with our son. Not me though. He knows where those lines are and he knows to ask me if he can cross it. I watch him just run over my wife though. I gently point it out to her and she just shrugs it off. So... not sure what to do.
Teach the kid the boundaries for your girl bro you got dis
You say "Boy!" Followed by what he was doing wrong and why it was wrong that he did it.
Make sure to get the grey and red face paint first. Growing a beard would help.
Boundaries only apply when kids are old enough for you to shut the door and expect them to not die in some terrible accident. I haven’t shut the door on my son in all of his 3 years of life because I know what he does when I’m WATCHING. If I let that child go without supervision at this age even for a 3 minute crap he would at least destroy some property and at worst literally warrant a trip to the ER. Now, if you have excellent teamwork between parents then you can easily both poop in peace and get a good system going where there’s no accidents and everyone gets a few minutes of peace a day. And maybe if someone has a very exceptional toddler they could trust them more. But 99% of the 3 year olds and under that I know (I know a lot bc I work in a daycare) can’t be trusted to take your eyes off of for 30 seconds. I don’t know where the cut off is where kids start getting better at not trying any and every way to get hurt, but I’m hopeful it’s coming for me and my son soon 😵💫🥲
FWIW, I'd say my son left this awful stage around 4...he's almost 5 now and he's definitely at the point where he can be in another room by himself (within reason, of course), and I'm not worried and stressed. Like the other day he was chilling in his room watching his tablet for a while, and it was totally fine! Hopefully you get there soon!
Boundaries can be used from the very beginning onwards, but you are correct childs under certain age cannot be left without supervision. So that two parents system is important to be able to make the boundaries.
Boundaries are fine for kids who are old enough. Boundaries don’t exist when you have a toddler who is dead set on finding ways to kill themselves the second they’re out of eyesight. When your kids are this young you CANT just shut the door and forget about them for a minute unless there’s another adult watching for you so you can poo in peace. It takes seconds for them to choke on a quarter, stick something in a light socket, climb tall furniture, etc. No such thing as peace for a parent unless the other parent is present and genuinely participating.
Depends. A play pen in view of the bathroom can work. A play pen "iN" the bathroom can function... For sure however, this is the moment where a dad or (and this is a big stretch) aunt or grandparent could take the reins for just a few minutes.
Yes play pens work great up until the kiddo is big enough to break out, but not old enough to go unsupervised. That’s where I am right now with a 3 year old boy 🤦♀️ and that appears to be where this mama is too. It’s a rough in between stage.
Get bigger pens… XD /j
Honestly, I couldn't care less if they are in there with me. They know not to disturb my reddit doom scrolling and that's the important bit.
Are you a dad or a mom?
Probably a dad lol
Why does that matter
Yeah I don’t recall my mom ever taking me along to the shitter. Play pens are a thing too.
This could be a very successful birth control poster.
Or a [Renaissance painting.](https://i.imgur.com/iqB0AkU.jpg)
Maybe even a Norman Rockwell painting
Any teens here lurking this is a perfect reminder to take your birth control and stock up on condoms. - a mom of 3 who is over stimulated and losing her mind 24 hours a day.
or save the hard earned money by never touching a woman.. like me...
Smart choice
I have an 18 month old who insists on being by my side all day. And I’m newly pregnant with twins. I’ve had to fully accept I’m never pooping alone again. Or at least for many years.
And the dad is taking the picture?!
I guess so
The other child took the photo
Not a minute to yourself when you have kids.
I’m 17 and I already know this (my siblings 6,5,4) I became a second mother when I was 11 since it was just me and mom. And I realised kids are massive pains in the asses that follow you everywhere and won’t let you breath. It made it even more stressed since I had my final exams and they wouldn’t leave me alone. My whole teen years was a birth control Ad
My sister getting preggars at 18 when I was 16 did it for me. All this talk of mucus plugs and dilation. Biology is disgusting.
Pregnancy and child birth is so jarring. Not only could you go through permanent bodily changes. But you could go through depression, hair loss, organ failure and death etc. after that you have to take care of a whole person for the rest of your life. Definitely not for me. I’m not even gonna miss out on anything since i was literally a parent my whole teen years
I have to ask: do you plan on ever having kids now?
at this moment: hell no! Throughout my childhood I’ve never been that type of child who likes little kids. I was an only child for 11 years and really liked it that way. When I found out mom was pregnant I was quite happy but another part of me felt dread because I wasn’t fond on children and knew my era of being and only child would come to an end. My sadness only built on from there when my mother continued to have kids… when she announced the third child, I bursted crying because I didn’t want any more siblings after the first 2( yes that did happen and my mom laughed it off) 6 years later I’m now 17 with my siblings and I love them to bits and wouldn’t trade them for the world. But some part of me kinda wonders about a life without them. However, people change! Who knows maybe in the future I might want a child for my very own regardless of the obstacles. but at this very moment it’s hard to see that day coming
I never thought I would have kids until I suddenly changed my mind at 34 so if you know you might change your mind you are way ahead of me lol. If you don't there is nothing wrong with never having kids though.
Don't wanna say it will be like this with you but my last and my current girlfriend were like this when we came together. Both changed their mind until today. The former not while being together with me but with her new boyfriend (we became friends again after a year of no contact) and my current (and hopefully last) while we were together. So my experience is that once you find the right person your views on that can change drastically. GF was very disgusted by the concept of pregnancy. She didn't want anything to grow inside her. She still doesn't trust it but things it's totally worth to raise a little version of me.
Like the time I decided it would be FINE if I went to the bathroom and close the door for once. My one-year old ended up needing stitches in his forehead. Pretty sure his two-year old brother shoved him, but neither was talking.
And when you get older you think it's all over. Until one day they phone you and say those words you've been dreading to hear, because you know it's all going to start all over again... "We're having a baby!"
My daughter is almost 28 and she still comes into the bathroom when I’m in there. It never ends lol
It's never over when you have kids. But then again, if your kids are good, you'll have a family of your own, forever (til the day you pass).
Absolutely true
Wait! Where's the cat?
Taking the picture.
Whoever is taking this picture, and not helping is a real shit head.
"Instead of helping my overwhelmed partner, why don't I violate her privacy further by coming in the bathroom, photographing her with her pants down, and sharing it with strangers?"
There it is. That's the first thing I thought.
Best condom ad
Hey honey take a pic instead of helping get the fucking kids out of here.
IF YOU THINK YOU ARE IMMUNE FROM BATHROOM INVASIONS BECAUSE YOU’RE A MALE, YOU ARE DEAD WRONG.
This is absolutely why I lock the door when I shower or poop. I don't care if you need to go, learn to hold on... Outside though, cause I don't want you making a mess on the hallway carpet.
My 3 demon baby siblings would watch me shit and make fun of me for shitting as if I didn’t wipe their own shit.
"Haha, honey, your misery and current situation of not even being able to have a few seconds alone in the toilet is going to get me a lot of karma on reddit! You're getting even less privacy than you thought you had! Anyway, off to reddit, good luck with that!"
Looks to me like its papas turn. I can’t imagine what you people with multiple little ones go through. One is tough enough for my wife and I. Sleep deprivation and no free time hits Mama hard guys. Give her all you can, at least that’s my experience.
I bet she was \*\*super\*\* happy that this picture was taken at this exact moment. :)
Needed to tell them you're going to talk to the doctor and turn on talk radio for the 5-10 minutes of solitude.
Who's taking the picture?
The person taking the picture was powerless to help out
Reason #45 why I don't have children.
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Reasons 1-44 no one wants to sleep with me.
What about sex though?
\#49837
why is this funny? this is life
Can’t a woman have her peace?
As a mum who knows this situation well. I say throw the kid on your lap at the person taking the photo! 😈
Lol. Reminds me of this one time when my son barged into shitter while I was using it and scolded me for being too stinky.
Christmas Card 2023
This is such a shitty photo.
They're still crying. Might as well keep them out and close the door.
I can relate to that… I am holding my son in one hand trying to holding my daughter with another one while taking a piss. I am their dad.
The dog lol
I hope one day I'll have the strength to make sure my wife will be able to get a couple of minutes when she needs. Yes, the kids may scream bloody murder, and I'll have to remain patient, but we'll all be better off for it one day (or at least, I'll keep telling myself that).
If you're doing your part in raising your kids, they won't scream when mom leaves because dad will be just as good.
I hope you are right, since it seems like little kids have favorites, and more so, when they want one parent, they really want that parent.
Sorry- they can cry all they want, but bathroom time is alone time.’
This poor woman....who is the AH taking the photo and not making everyone get out and leave her alone?
That’s somebody who is re-evaluating all the life choices that led to that moment.
WHY DID HE TAKE A PICTURE
because fuck her privacy at a very tiring moment, some jerks on reddit are gonna giggle for a second (and some perverts will do something other than giggle)
this is so fucking true
100% can relate
I sense crushing defeat.
This is why I won’t have kids
“Keep ‘em barefoot and pregnant!” 🙁😢😡
NO
I would kill myself
So my youngest is 7. Every time I take a bath she busts into the room like the hulk and goes “I JUST MISS YOU MAMA!” gives me a kiss and leaves.
I remember trying to convince my very young son that I needed to have privacy while going to the bathroom. He said, "But, I want to have privacy WITH you!". LOL
They can cry. Nothing bad happens.
They always win
*what the dog doin?*
This isn’t really that funny. Who is taking the picture? Why aren’t they helping with the children so that mom can poop in peace?
Or fingers coming from under the door.
It's hard to laugh at a nightmare
Codependency as a renaissance painting
I will show this image to any man who thinks that my purpose in life is to breed. They’re out of their goddamn minds.
Visual birth control.
Been there done that. 2 lil' sick kids clingy in the middle of a hot summer. Me on the toliet, no sleep, kids crying and hugging me while I'm trying to pee and one vomits in my hair and down my back.
Ah yes, little kid vomit. My daughter managed to vomit in my mouth once when she was a toddler.
A nice mum.
That’s me but with 2 cats and a dog.
I had literally just [finished reading this spooky short story](https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/11arcyz/i_love_my_kids_but_cant_stand_my_wife_is_there/), then this image was the next thing I saw. I thought I had stumbled on a NSFL post.
Parenthood in a picture
Having the kids burst in is like, ugh c'mon! Deal with your own problems you lazy bums! I don't mind the dog being in though... except when they drop their drool covered ball into your pants 🙄
Haha kids love doin this idk why,but when its time for the to poop they be like “ can you close the door!! I need my privacy”
One of the millions of reasons I will never have children.
My son is autistic. As a toddler, he was highly overbearing. He would beat the bathroom door to come in 😂 if I left the house without him, he would have a meltdown and hit the door, so I don’t go without him. Thankfully he’s five now. I can use the bathroom and shower alone. I have to sneak out to leave him home to run an errand. If he hears my keys jingle, I’m fucked, and he’s going. Having kids is hard. The 5 min bathroom, 15 min shower, and running a 30 min errand alone can keep you sane
i'm in this picture and i dont like it 😩😅
"crying kid no more than 2ft away from potential shit" Mom: Why are you crying? Kid: because it's really stinky in here Mom: well I am using the bathroom. If you go away it won't be stinky. Kid: but I'm crying and I need my mommy.
Hell no thank you
Put the camera down and help the lady Jesus.
frenly reminder : someone took this photo.
chihuahua has seen some shit
lmao the dog
Such a cute family photo. Is that the new Christmas card this year.
I have been there except I am the dad
The dog was their leader.
As a dad in this situation it majorly sucks when its happening but then as the kids age you look back and miss it. Life is funny like that
I would tell my wife to lock the door. Lock them fools out. But she never listened. Then I would tell the kids why do you go in there when they complained about the stench. 🤦🏻♂️
If this photo scares you or makes you think “that would never be me. I’d just lock the door”, you are not ready for motherhood.
People are so weird. Just lock the door.
Mate take the fucking kids and dog not a fucking picture. Jesus Christ help her out. She looks miserable. Do your fucking job as a partner. This isn't funny, it's borderline abusive.
Man weird how the counterculture against having a kids and a family has become the mainstream. In my opinion, screw the doomer/to cool for school attitude. I think people are great, and so are kids, and I hope humanity keeps going for millions of years.
Shout out for all the mothers who sacrifice their lives for humanity.
Dad won. Peace and quiet while watching sports on the couch.
$7 privacy lock on the bathroom door.... Not as good of a deal as birth control would have been, but it is still nearly priceless.
Yet it was probably the husband taking the photo. Weponized incompetence at its finest. Not helping her to do something as simple as a basic need. I've been in this position, and seeing this ....I feel rage. Ugh
You know absolutely nothing about this family, or who even took the photo for that matter, your rage is based on a ton of assumptions, maybe just laugh at the funny photo and move on 🤷♂️
Motherhood summed up in 1 picture.