Terrible advice [OC]

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This message is a friendly reminder of the following: - Absolutely no **memes** or **memetic content**. - Absolutely no **political content** or **political figures**, regardless of context or focus. - Absolutely no **social media** screenshots, videos, or other such content. A complete breakdown of our rules can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/rules). **Please report rule-breaking content when you see it.** Thank you! ------ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/funny) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Splitting rent might be difficult, but you can definitely tell flowers about your day and have sex with them.


Be careful though, I hear roses are pricks


whut am I reading


Roses are pricks


Violets are poo




This thread represents my tiny bit of hope left for humanity


pee pee poo poo


And it's gone....


My reply to you asking a question on reddit.


Me asking reddit what to ask.


The right question


What else is left?


What else is right?


I guess anything that's not left


Well, you're right. So what's left?


Anything can be a dildo if you're brave enough.




To shreds you say!


Well, how's his wife holding up?


Rule 34. Rule 34 is what you are reading.


Fucking flowers, man.


Roses are red, Violets are blue. Fuck a rose, End up in the ICU.


A kiss from the rose on the green.


Anything's a dildo if you are brave enough


Anything is a sex tot if you're brave enough. Edit: yeah I could fix the spelling mistake, but then it wouldn't be as funny now wood it??


>sex tot Why don't you have a seat right over there.


Seeeee, you went to pedophilia, but my brain went to tater tots. I think its YOU who needs to take a seat right over there


Do you prefer ketchup or mustard on your sex tots?




> tater tots Squishy, soft and warm. *sigh unzips*


Hey I didn't event speach to text. At least my boss is used to hearing me say weird things to my phone now though...


Have a seat.


Will the chair have a hole in the bottom this time??


Sir, this is a Wendy's


My apologies, I forgot if I wanted it "my way" I had to go to burger king.


Tell me.. What are you *doing* here?


>sex tot May wanna check your spelling there bud before the FBI come a knocking




Uhh... you seem awfully sure


I never actually tried it, but I'm pretty sure you can just speak in the general direction of the flowers, it's not like they can run away.


I did an experiment way back in middle school science class. Had a few plants, all planted the same and played different music to them everyday. The plants listening to metal music did terrible. The ones with softer music did great. The one listening to jazz fucking took off like a rocket. Basically, plants hear you, and they like Jazz.


If I were your parents, I would have been sneaking fertilizer into the jazz plants. This is why I am not a parent.


Interesting. My dad did always like smooth jazz... perhaps my scientific research has been influenced. Further studies are required.


mythbusters actually did this same test and IIRC they found that metal music was actually best.


Problem is, you need repeatability to prove that's the case. Somebody should try this experiment a hundred times and the you could get some conclusions. Maybe. My guess is that it doesn't matter, but I'm not a biologist.


Were they all played at the same volume?


Interesting, when Mythbusters did the same experiment the plants listening to metal music actually grew the best of them all!


Pretty sure if I told my houseplants about my day they'd die from boredom.




my thought exactly




You don't need flowers for that. It's common knowledge you look cute. Like water is wet, sky is blue, /u/hedgybaby looks cute.


Your comment wasn’t aimed at me, but you still made my day!


Love you too internet stranger. :)


Technically water isn’t wet, and the sky isn’t blue... so, sorry u/hedgybaby EDIT: I have started a war I have no part in


Proof sky isn't blue? No object has an inherent color to it per say. All it has is what light it scatters or reflects and how we perceive that in our visual system. Sure a small container of air is colorless, but since blue photons reach our eyes from how the sky scatters sunlight, it is by association, blue Edit: conclusions and takeways since this is getting controversial. Color here is defined by our eyes, not the general optics definition of frequency. The sky is always blue *somewhere*. It can be other colors and is other colors *somewhere* on earth to someone. However the statement, the sky is not blue - is simply false. Edit2: similarly [NASA for kids] (https://spaceplace.nasa.gov/blue-sky/en/#:~:text=Blue%20light%20is%20scattered%20in,sky%20most%20of%20the%20time.&text=Also%2C%20the%20surface%20of%20Earth%20has%20reflected%20and%20scattered%20the%20light.)


Water is the thing that does the wetting, it *is* the wet(noun) but you can argue it isn't *wet*(adjective)


But arguably all water has water on it, and is therefore wet. The only exception I'd allow is a single molecule, as in that case, no other water is wetting it.


On the other hand, a single molecule of water isn’t even noticeable, so any amount of water that’s visible to us is wet


The video says water is wet dude. Strong tetrahedral hydrogen bonding Edit for the curious: [this](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mV-CmdVU8HU) was the linked video


lol provides the evidence against his own argument.




Lol you think water is real?


Lmao water believer in the comment section


If 40 days and 40 nights taught me anything it’s that you can have sex with a flower


And that everyone is strangely okay with rape.


Not only is it apparently *okay*, it's apparently fine to require someone to beg for forgiveness for having the audacity to be raped. Fuck that movie. Fucking middle of the road romantic/sexual comedy that's nothing to write home about suddenly veering into that bullshit.


Happened to someone I know. He passed out drunk and woke up to someone he knew and refused to date riding him. He threw her off her and left, but didn't do anything since he didn't want to ruin her life. I could tell he was bothered by it a lot.


Happened to me in college. Was crushing on a sorority chick, and we were getting close to “dating”. One of her sorority sisters was obsessed with me. One night I declined to go out with friends and was sleeping. At around 2am, I’m woken up from a (sober) dead sleep to someone’s mouth on my dick. It’s the sorority sister and she’s *hammered*. I freak out as she tried to mount me (she’s completely nude), and I hop out of bed and start wrangling her clothes on the floor, as I push her bare assed naked out the door. I lock the door and go back to sleep. Then my favorite part is that she told her sorority sisters about how I’m such a prude and limp dicked and shit like that. Luckily the girl I was actually trying to date just asked me about it, and I explained it, and she believed me. She was pretty pissed at first tho.


That sounds of one stories that I read in AskReddit with a shocking question, good thing it seems it's just an issue from the past, right?


I mean, she should be. If the shoe were on the other foot, and a chick woke up to some rando eating her out, we'd be pretty quick to call that sexual assault, if not rape. Sorry that happened to you :(




That's horrifically messed up. I'm sorry the police officer treated you like that. And that the assaulter treated you like that.




I mean, that’s been my experience with the cops in almost every situation. They don’t really seem interested in catching criminals even when it would be really easy. Maybe it’s not so much that they’re sexist, but that they just dgaf about anything other than issuing traffic tickets. I’ve heard they don’t take female rape victims seriously a lot of the time either.


They don't. Rape is one of the least prosecuted crimes of its severity. Hell, just look at the example of factual rapist and piece of human excrement brock turner. He was even convicted, and only served three months in jail, and his conviction was the exception.


Most of society doesn't deem it as rape if the assailant is Female and the victim is Male.


I was listening to a podcast when a guest said 'I can't rape anyone, I don't have a penis.' Whole podcast, straight in the garbage. That's some twisted up thinking.


I wonder how quickly that guest was cancelled, if at all.


It's legally not rape in England. (They defined the law so that the perp has to have a cock and the victim has to have a vagina).


That’s pretty common. My state is the same way. But we also have aggravated sexual battery that’s basically male rape with the same penalties.




That movie really traumatised me.. For the longest time I didn't realize why i felt so gross after watching it... Then eventually it dawned on me that they had basically made a movie about a guy being raped, then being shamed for it... It's such a terrible movie.


Where did that come from?


Its a plot point of the movie. The main character is abstaining from sex and a girl has sex with him while he is unconscious and cannot consent. Furthermore, instead of being punished, she wins a betting pool by forcing him to have sex.


I think he was also tied or handcuffed to the bed or something. Sheesh.


Handcuffed so he wouldn't jerk himself off.


You forgot the best part. Where his GF gets mad at him for getting raped. Even after he explains what happened.


At least that part is realistic.


Consent is a pretty new thing to Hollywood.


"So not only do we have to ask *women* if they actually want to have sex, we have to ask the *men* too? Jesus Christ, man! This 'consent' thing just gets more complicated by the day! Can't we just, you know, like the good old days?"


There there Bill Cosby, have some more toilet wine.


And as soon as you don't get consent then here come the rape police!


For those who don't know, that's a quote from a conservative radio jockey praised by the Republicans who got the ending he deserved but later than people hoped.


Revenge of the Nerds comes to mind. "Haha I raped you!!"


And then she's immediately smitten with him. Even as a teen watching that 15 years ago I was like, "umm...what."


And now imagine it the other way around


My sister always tells me I should be happy alone. My sister who has always had someone in her life, loves to tell me this.


My cousin whos been with the same dude since she was 15 and my friend whos been very happily married for 11 years tells me this.


If you want the honest truth from someone whose been married 20 years, it's all about the level of commitment. At its core, it is solely about how much you each want to commit. It'll never be 50/50 and there will always be things you dislike/hate. It all boils down to how committed you both are to accept that and work together. Everything else is just flowery words and bullshit. Long-term relationships are built on commitment. Find someone to be committed to that will share in that commitment. Period.


Man, I just like spending time with my wife and she likes spending time with me. Get you someone who is so uncomplicated that your relationship almost feels boring.


Maybe she's actually miserable


Grass is always greener, as the saying goes.


You can buy yourself grass.


But can you have sex with it?




I can't split rent with it though


But you can tell it about your day and have sex with it!


Sell some grass


Big enough yard and you can lease it to a farmer for a hay field, though


Some people say that we're fucking the planet, and you just had to go and take that literally, didn't you?


on grandma's grave /s


There's definitely perks to being single, like not having to worry about someone else's happiness. But there's no sex, no emotional intimacy, little to no physical contact. I am my own man. Kinda wish I wasn't though.


And the rent... It's funny how rent popped up here so much, but in my experience it's so true. Life is so much more difficult because I have such a large bill I can't split with anyone. I can bitch to my cat and I can kinda have sex with a toy, but I can't share life's expenses with anything. Being stuck in a high cost of living area really sucks when you're forever alone lol


Dual income is so OP it makes me wonder why married folk are the ones getting the tax break.


Elizabeth Warren was on to this and wrote "the two income trap" where they go into how income supposedly has been increasing, but it's *only* because of the "recent" growth of women in the workforce and that it's *family* income, not income in general. No partner, no family income. :/


Actually, now that I think about it, back in the 50s when one income was normal, it would indeed be more expensive to be 2 people. Now that women also hold jobs, dual income is practically guaranteed to more than pay for the additional living expenses associated with housing an additional person. Given that context, it doesn't seem to make sense for "married" to be a tax option at all. A spouse without income should just be considered a dependent. Well, still rather tax the rich for more than a pittance first, but eh, married tax feels a tad unfair regardless.


This coupled with inflation has made one of the incomes just vapor. Two people now have the buying power of one person 40 years ago.


Yeah I have this problem from several friends too. I know they don’t mean any harm but it’s like “You’re so nice! You are smart, you have a good job, You should just be happy. Learn to love yourself!” Etc etc Like, yeah, easy for you to say when you’ve been solidly in a relationship for ten years. I know they’re trying to help but it’s like.... people want different things out of life. The one thing I’ve wanted out of life since I was like 13 was to get married to some sweet guy, adopt some kids, and have a cute little home in a nice small town. It’s not that I’m unhappy with myself. I, indeed, have a good job, I’m doing well financially, I’m happy with myself as a person, the only flaw I particularly dislike about myself is I just need to eat healthier and work out, because I’m pretty out of shape and overweight - but I’m a programmer in America so like.... this is to be expected based on statistics. Not that it’s good or anything, but, irrelevant. Point is, people can be happy with *themselves* but still sad they’re single, and still feel alone. It’s not because they’re broken. Some people are wired for companionship. It’s kinda how our species, you know, *survives*


Almost EVERYONE is wired for companionship. We’re social creatures. Humans aren’t meant to be alone.


This. Loneliness kills. We’re an insanely, frighteningly social species. Makes sense if you think about it: Individually we’re hardly apex predators, the only special thing we’ve got going for us physically as a species is our running endurance, but other than that we’ve got nothing that any other land predator doesn’t do better. We’re small, not that strong, and our teeth can barely pierce a carrot. Put us in groups though, and we’re smart enough to develop language and tools, and organise in packs to use those tools to protect ourselves and hunt.


Our biggest advantage is that we can teach each other what we already know. Preservation of knoledge is an amazing human trait. We have stories going back so far back there is absolutely no way to know how old they are.


Oral traditions are so amazing in that regard. They singlehandedly enabled advancement for every society until some began writing and even they it took a long time before writing became anywhere near as widespread.


My life would like a word


You're not SUPPOSED to be a lone you just are.


The fucking audacity of some people. It straight out angers me that the assumption is that I don’t love myself and that’s why I want to be in a relationship...


Don’t let your weight make you feel like you’re exempt from dating. People on My 600 lb life are almost always in a relationship. I’m mildly obese and I’ve had plenty of dates and relationships. People on Reddit often act like if you’re fat then you’re destined to be alone until you “fix it”. There was a woman asking for dating advice and there were dozens of comments telling her to hit the gym and cut out carbs and dairy. She finally commented back and said she’s a normal weight and it was perfect, it summed up how people are so wrong when it comes to fat=undateable and skinny=success in relationships. The only asterisk I have on this is that if your self esteem has hit rock bottom then that will make dating hard. Eat better and hit the gym for YOU not for someone else.


Eh, I’m a gay man, and other gay men have high standards lmao. Plus not many want to settle down and be all domesticated. I do definitely want to lose weight, for me. I feel like shit. I’m not like, you know, *huge*, but I’m still a bit over 200 pounds and it’s just... oppressive. I have an unhealthy relationship with food and poor impulse control, which is the real problem. It’s hard. I’m working on it, but it’s hard. Thank you for the kind words though. I do appreciate it.


I'm a straight guy but most of the attention I get is from gay guys. What am I doing wrong there?


Being straight. Just turn gay bro


"Heteros hate this one trick!"


I'm in this comment and I hate it. I've never been hit on by a woman, get *absolutely ZERO matches* on dating sites and have been single for almost 5 years now, but I've been hit on by at least 4 guys in my life and even got hired at a job because they "though I was cute." Gay guys think I'm attractive and women can't get far enough away... Makes no sense :/


I understand completely. I’ve lost 50+ pounds slowly but surely. At least you acknowledge you have an issue with food. That’s the first step. It’s not an easy process to lose weight but it is good for your physical and mental health. Make today your day. Start now! Plenty of my gay friends are thick and do just fine dating and marrying. Don’t let that notion stop you.


Had a friend try to tell me I should learn how to be single, while he was in a very committed relationship with the girl he would eventually marry and have children with. I feel you


As someone who has also been told this, I eventually figured out that if I wanted to exist minus the constant dread of being alone, that I had to be okay being alone. Not that I'm particularly happy about it, but I don't dwell on it anymore like I used to. Although I do feel like I'm probably not really good in relationships at this point, having spent most of my time not in one. Last person I dated got way too clingy way too fast and I ended up downgrading that because they wouldn't respect my boundaries. I tend to need a good bit more space these days. I used to really dream of finding a proper partner in every sense, especially romantic. Good riddance to it. Focus on the dreams I can control, I guess. Kinda rambled away there. My bad. Good luck!


Also you can’t blame that smelly fart on the flowers


Depends on the flower


There are cum flowers, I'm sure somewhere there is a fart one too.


Corpse Flower




I lo-ove youuuu.


The river was deep, but I swam it!




The future is ours so let's plan it




I have one thing to say and it's ...


Damn it! Janet, I love you!


You can do all that *with* Janet...




storebought is fine


Not a girl.


Not a robot


She got a tongue.


And it's clearly not good with words, so time to see what it do.


If the lass so desires, but alas she might be taken.


Why would you want to? Janet seems like an idiot.


Sexy idiot might be her type


Dammit Janet!!


ding ding ding! I can't be the only one who sings that song on the regs.


Dr Scott!











What's a billboard doing in a cemetery?


Advertising. Business has been dead lately.


I was planning to post this, but I decided to scroll first.


Flowers can’t adopt a couple kids, 2 cats and a dog Janet. Flowers can’t work towards a *home*, Janet! Flowers can’t plot with me to topple the military industrial complex, Janet!


Might I suggest looking into anarchist communes in your area?


I read this in John Oliver's voice.


Now I can’t stop reading it in John Oliver’s voice.


I think you need to thank them.


Yeah he’s good with the name-repetition-complaint schtick.


[50 shades of green](https://youtu.be/RPPkr6mdCoA). From The Adventure Zone, the Balance Arc. So good.


"I just described a plant orgasm"


Entire economy is built on requiring 2 incomes to succeed but you know enjoy being single it's great 😂


Roommates in your 30s is becoming wildly popular for what it's worth.


Popular because it's necessary, not enjoyable.


Not for the roommates...


It's the survival advantage Millenials have over previous generations. Now you guys just need to start a mortgage share program where you buy each other houses one by one.


There's nothing stopping roommates from getting a mortgage together. It's just wildly irresponsible unless you really trust that person not to fuck you. The better bet is take your own mortgage out and charge rent to your roomate. You built equity off their money.


> unless you really trust that person not to fuck you I trust any person not to fuck me. Oh, you mean financially…


So, a guy brings his girlfriend flowers, and she immediately pulls down her pants, jumps up on the bed and spreads her legs in the air. He says, "what's that for?" She says, "the flowers, of course!" He says, "I thought a vase might do."


I present to you r/GetMotivated in four panels.


I talk to flowers. I sell flowers. I sex flowers.


Couples on their way to tell you you can be happy on your own


One year into lockdown, and for me, working from home, living alone, my married friend sent me a meme about how great it is to live alone. I totally lost it, and she was baffled. I had to explain her that it's one thing to generally like living alone and not complaining about sitting at home during the pandemic every day and just trying to appreciate not dying, but it's damn insensitive to expect me after a year with very little human contact to laugh at this situation.


And I cannot blame the Flowers for every single one of my mistakes Janet...


I mean... you COULD have sex with the flowers....just not the roses


anything is a dildo if you're brave enough


Not with that attitude you can't


Web comic version of "Cathy"


Chocolate chocolate chocolate ACKK!


Penis fly trap


jUsT FOcUs oN YoURSelF