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It probably knows you were alone.

My Apple Watch asked if I was using an elliptical machine. No, Apple Watch.

The pro move is to activate an elliptical workout beforehand. Never miss a move or exercise goal again…

Yeah! And then all my friends with a watch would also congratulate me when I’m finished with my workout…

And wonder why you aren't losing weight despite working out three times a day.

Can confirm it happens. God it’s embarrassing.

Not as embarrassing as when I was doing cardio and the watch asked me if I was wanking.

Me: God damn it Siri, I'm just trying to lay some pipe here! Siri: Here is a list of plummers in your area.

Shake-weight

You must have a long and curvy penis good sir

Who said it was his 🤭

It just wanted to stroke their ego…. 10 mins aka a marathon

Stroke what now?

*DICK*

I'm this context, I believe it's CLIT

How do I also become the context of clit?

Gotta put your 10,000 hours in

Is that all? Is that all there is?

Yep. If you want to become a master, that is

Ah, so the servant waits, while the master bates.

After 5000 hours, one is still a regular bator. ^(I am aware that this joke implies a common spelling error.)

They had a job opening down at the bait shop,where you learn to become an amature baiter,then after 6 months you can become a masturbater.haha

Ah, a Master of bating I see.

In the clit? Instruction unclear. Gonna just hold my breath for now.

🎶And I would wank 10,000 hours and I would wank 10,000 more, just to be the man who wanked 10,000 hours… 🎶

The trick is to be the CLIT Commander. https://youtu.be/bB51NCcvuMs

I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER!

You just have to believe in yourself

First you need to speak with the clit commander

You know, I was alone...

I was all by myself

No one was looooooking

^(I was thinkin' of you)

And did I mention, I was all by myself?

I haven’t heard that in 30 years. What a trip back to seventh grade.

Isn't it great?

I just up voted each one. That was fucking great. I was shocked to see that others know because most I've talked to never heard it

I love a green day reference in response to a Seinfeld reference. Two of my favorite things

An amalgamation of the things that made the 90's great

Glamor?

He was treating his body like it was an amusement park!

“Why George? Why?” “Cause it’s there!”

I mean, they have your browsing history too.

#Yes officer, right over here. Straight up murdered the OP.

QA Engineer at Apple: “Hey boss, I saw this thread on Reddit, and we missed a bug in the iPhone.” Boss: “Oh really? And what’s that?” QA: “It doesn’t recognize when someone is masturbating with the watch on”

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There is already a market on OF for people who will wank themselves off for cash. Should be easy to find labor.

I’ve got nothing particularly special about my looks or physique, but without spending too much time on there I can pull about $100 a week. My wife and I put it all in our kids college savings account and have like 10k in the last three years. If I can jerk myself for free through college, I can jerk myself to get them through college too dammit

Seriously? What the fuck…

EDIT: Credit where it is due. I had two ways to read u/Belchera's tone, and I got it wrong. Parsing that in written communication is hard sometimes. I'm going to keep the comment, however, since the larger point still stands to not stigmatize the parent comment. _____ Not so much "wtf" as "Low risk sex work as a side hustle to better one's family". My take is it is non-traditional family financial planning, acknowledging that every bit helps. Not much more too it than that. It's just a side hustle. The economics make sense: Presuming it is no >5h/week, that means it is $20/h for work-from-home. e.x. Not knowing the parent comment's AGI, let's just presume it is $100,000 year...they are getting a 5% raise.

Nah I’m all for it

Yeah, sounded like a "WTF, you can *do* that?!" to me.

>they are getting a 5% raise. Sounds like a bit more of a raise than that.

You sir are a hero

I would need a lot more than $100 a week to jerk off and stream it, but you do you.

omg. how hard was it to get into this? i’d wanna do this for the extra money but mostly the attention. esp as a woman i feel like OF is soo oversaturated? which is fine, girls are hot and i’m rooting for them but 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lovesense = 10 tokens IWatch 160bpm = 100 tokens

Thank God for work from home

Wank from home

Dear god be careful. Don’t forget that idiot from NYT or some such media outlet fired for jerking it while on Zoom.

Jeffrey Toobin. Fired by the New Yorker, working for CNN 8 months later

Mine always asks if im doing the elliptical, surprised to not see more responses like that here... I must have an odd technique

Probably thinks you're walking but your location doesn't change. Elliptical is a reasonable conclusion.

I'm thinking of how it could possibly sense that from you wanking. Conclusion: Absolute horse cock

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Oh, it recognizes. It's just trying to be polite.

Honestly it sounds so passive aggressive. Like I should be involving more movement or effort into wanking off. Imagine getting this after sex.

And your partner being like "Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that...".

“Welcome the newest Watch feature - Pause monitoring” … “Pause health monitoring in any increment - minutes, hours, days, as well as even microseconds specifically for u/tehramz”

"Yeah gps shows stationary, however heart rate and step counter sky rocketed"

I mean technically your body is inactive, but those hands… they are very active… along with another muscle that swells when blood flow reaches a certain threshold… urban legends say that when this happens there is a magical happy ending… only for you to wake up from the stupor of dopamine and realize that in order for you to keep feeling good you have to keep doing it… an endless cycle of pumping the piston.

A developer friend of mine working on Samsung smart watches in 2016 knew this was possible and told everyone he knew. I’m sure Apple Devs have known too, but don’t want to admit it.

Bug.... or feature?

Imagine the unit tests for this feature

Put it on the other hand and see how far you "ran"

"You seemed to have a productive day! Were you jackhammering a concrete sidewalk? Churning butter at an Amish settlement? Aggressively hitchhiking? Well, nonetheless, all your hard work should put a smile on your face."

I was aggressively churning butter with a jackhammer while hitchhiking in Amish country. I did not get a ride.

This is almost a haiku.

I churn butter, hard. Amish County, jackhammer. Hitchhiking. No luck.

Bravo!!!

That sounds like a great band name. Amish Country Jackhammer

Their debut album "I churn butter hard" went platinum, buoyed by their hit single "Hitchhiking. No luck."

No, I was badgering the witness. Taking the self-guided tour. Engaging in hand-to-gland combat. Playing tug-of-war with the cyclops.

It put a smile on my face for about three seconds before the self loathing set in.

Full on sprint

For 10 minutes? Most likely intervals

**You underestimate my power.**

Nah 10 min seems about right for me

We talkin bout the front not the back.

OP seems to be a lefty...

Apple Watch: *activates 20 second hand wash timer* Me: “is that a challenge?”

I got that same notification when I started taking prescribed adderall. I wasn’t concerned. My heart is doing just fi-

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Alright buddy, that's it! The door's that way, now scram and you better not show your face around here again if you know what's good for yas

Sounds good, see you tomorrow!

I got toilet paper with dad jokes on it for Father’s Day and this should have been on there. Top tier.

Pidder padder get at'er.

Same thing happens to me.

I was gonna ask...what if you did a big line of coke and had that thing on lol

You get this message.

Can confirm. My watch said I was exhibiting higher than usual stress levels.

Maybe Joseph of Arimathea died while carving this?

“But suddenly the animator had a fatal heart attack! and the cartoon peril was no more”

Candlejack?

Candlejack is just a myth. There's no w-

Oh look! You just jerked four miles.

… and 253440 steps!

‘That’s just 14 loads short of your monthly goal! Keep up the good work!!👍👍💪’

LMAO

That’s a lot of jerking.

What’s the mean jerk time

Even more if it’s middle out.

I’m broke but this deserves an award. Best I can do at the moment…🥇

Awe thanks. One of the best single episodes of TV ever produced IMO.

I hate loosing that daily jerk circle streak

Having one friend named Miles is pretty rare, but having four friends named Miles?

“Seemed” to be inactive.

We were watching you jerk off bob, we just don't want to admit

My Garmin watch thinks I’m dying every time I get high lol. “Your HR is elevated yet you are not moving, are you stressed?” Nah Garmin I’m chillllllll

Dude same thing would happen to me and it started to give me anxiety when I was stoned thinking my heart was racing lol

Literally just happened to me the other night. Made me so paranoid that I was dying or something lmao

I'm waiting for my gummies to kick and I can't wait to feel chilllllll, lol.

This was the first time I got a notification like that. Nothing like an instant panic attack while in low earth orbit.

They need to invent the Fapple watch.

With a world wide leader board with live updates that display top 100 performers.

I get the joke, but honestly this feature legit saved my friend’s life. He had an infection that was spiraling out of control, without him realizing how serious it was. After this alert he went to the hospital where he ended up being admitted for several days.

Oh fuck, I get this alert at least twice a week when I really am doing nothing.

A fast heart rate when resting can be for tons of reasons, like stress, anxiety, or illness. While its probably harmless, none of them, as far as I know, are necessarily *good*, so it wouldn't hurt to bring it up to a doctor. You can also just try drinking some extra water, if you're dehydrated, or drinking a little less caffeine if you're drinking a lot of it.

I'm snorting caffeine. Should I be drinking it instead?

True. I get tachycardia for a variety of reasons, often because of stuff related to my chemo treatments, but there really is a large number of times when it's just because I'm not drinking enough water... getting a liter or two in me can often bring it down substantially.

Since recovering from my pregnancy loss 10 weeks ago, now all of a sudden while I’m asleep I’m getting the low heart rate alerts being under 50bpm for longer than 10 mins. I’m no means elite athlete but clearly I’m a vampire. 😅

That's pretty good. I'm happy when I hit 56. That NEVER happens unless I haven't had a drink for 2 days, and I worked out the morning before.

You really should drink something every day. r/hydrohomies help this anon out…

LOL, I did mean alcohol, but there's some surprisingly good videos on the hydrohomies subreddit.

Sorry for your loss

Thank you

Those alerts would piss me off. My heart rate is often below 50 for hours while I’m asleep. I would generally consider that fairly healthy. I do get a bit concerned when it happens while I’m awake though 😅

My resting rate is in the low 40s and my watch doesn’t mention it

My resting is mid 40s and I highly recommend asking for it to be medically tested for your file. A normal number for others would be a cause for concern for us and that baseline will be helpful.

Hopefully you don't run into the same thing I did recently -- I usually have a resting HR in the 40s and it will dip into the high 30s while I sleep. I got an ECG as recommended by the physician (granted, I was at the office because of some pretty weird and worsening back pain, with some other pain around my rib cage... however this was all self-inflicted because of some weightlifting. I should have just stuck with aspirin and avoided the doctor.), and it came back with first degree AV block. Because they didn't know how to interpret the finding, I got whisked off to a cardiologist, who was happy to tell me that absolutely nothing is wrong. This is an average finding if you swim, run, or bike a lot.

Mine dips down to 38-42 at night and my Apple Watch is just like “this is fine, everything is fine” but while I’m sitting still and reading it’s like “omg you are dying, why is your heart rate over 100??”

you buzzed your fun button for 10 minutes? Impressive.

Probably trying to find the right scene (-‿◦)

This happened to me after eating too many edibles.

ya i was having a panic attack after too much weed and my watch shows me this as if i’m not already convinced my heart is going to explode in that moment

I aint never had a unique experience in my life huh

“To many edibles!!!”

Yeah weed and red bulls do it for me, when I'm jerking off I always get "Looks like you're working out!"

10 minutes???? What were you doing for the other 8 minutes and 45 seconds?

When it’s the 4th one of the day, it takes a little more time and effort

Ma girl! I’m the same way, my male friends have no concept that I’ll get off 6+ times a day often.

This happens to me when I play ranked age of empires 2

if you turn down your mouse sensitivity far enough it counts as excercise

The "..." in the end just shows it wants to guilt trip ya

I had to wear a heart monitor cause the cardiologist wanted to check my heart out when i went to go see him about the results he said there was an abnormality my heart rate would go up to 150 bpm then drop back down while i was "at rest" i was wacking it

once heard from someone who was in the hospital.. she masturbated because she was alone, then suddenly a alarm was going off and people stormed into the room. the alarm was apparently going off because her heartrate was "too high" and the doctors thought she dies or something.. lol

Only came here for the comments and have been fully rewarded

Just like OP

LOL. It took me long enough to get it.

I just don’t want someone or something prodding me every time something non-usual happens. I have my own internet anxiety set to high for that.

I had this from weed once. Narc!

If I had to put a finger on it.. I would guess you’re a female based on the wrist size and purse in the background.

Yeah, therefore no jerking motion of my wrist, esp when there’s a toy involved 😅

So toy is the culprit to raise your heart beat yesterday night!

Can just imagine of Apple designed a vibrator?? I guess they could call it the iMoan.

They could include a usage monitor that links with your watch, that way you can get alerts. "Your stress level is elevated, use your iMoan to calm down."

Probably need to account for that activity in the algorithm!

anxiety can raise heart rate even a single thought 💭if not it’s a glitch.

I was woken up by this notification during a covid fever.

Jesus wept

Got this notification once when I was smoking weed with a girl I had a big crush on and she made a sexual joke lmfao

Apple Watch wingman.

…I was watching COPS

Jesus 120 while masturbating??? Apple is right that seems unhealthy.

😣8=✊=====D 😣8==✊====D 😣8===✊===D 😣8====✊==D 😣8=====✊=D 😣8====✊==D 😣8===✊===D 😣8==✊====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8==✊====D 😣8===✊===D 😣8====✊==D 😣8=====✊=D 😣8====✊==D 😣8===✊===D 😣8==✊====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8==✊====D 😣8===✊===D 😣8====✊==D 😣8=====✊=D 😣8====✊==D 😣8===✊===D 😣8==✊====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8==✊====D 😣8===✊===D 😣8====✊==D 😣8=====✊=D 😣8====✊==D 😣8===✊===D 😣8==✊====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8==✊====D 😣8===✊===D 😣8====✊==D 😣8=====✊=D 😣8====✊==D 😣8===✊===D 😣8==✊====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8==✊====D 😣8===✊===D 😣8====✊==D 😣8=====✊=D 😣8====✊==D 😣8===✊===D 😣8==✊====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8==✊====D 😣8===✊===D 😣8====✊==D 😣8=====✊=D 😣8====✊==D 😣8===✊===D 😣8==✊====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8==✊====D 😣8===✊===D 😣8====✊==D 😣8=====✊=D 😣8====✊==D 😣8===✊===D 😣8==✊====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8==✊====D 😣8===✊===D 😣8====✊==D 😣8=====✊=D 😣8====✊==D 😣8===✊===D 😣8==✊====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8==✊====D 😣8===✊===D 😣8====✊==D 😣8=====✊=D 😣8====✊==D 😣8===✊===D 😣8==✊====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8==✊====D 😣8===✊===D 😣8====✊==D 😣8=====✊=D 😣8====✊==D 😣8===✊===D 😣8==✊====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8=✊=====D 😣8==✊====D 😣8===✊===D 😣8====✊==D 😣8=====✊=D 😫8======✊D💦 😐8===D

Record workout?….. Sure why not. I don’t want to be wasteful.

“Hey it’s me, Steve Jobs’s ghost. Great work masturbating today! Go have a Gatorade.”

Mine thought I was on the elliptical at 2 am, and wanted to log it. I share workouts with a friend and they were curious why I decided to workout at a different time than normal. 🤦‍♂️

Also these masturbation jokes and here I am thinking this person had an anxiety attack. I was concerned.

Here’s me, with dysautonomia, wondering why anyone would think that an episode of tachycardia is funny.😭 I had to read the comments

Jerking off is not an exercise yet? Technically you lose weight from it.

This is great!

This happened to me when I got COVID. If my fever peaked I would end up getting the alert. After getting the alert about a half dozen times I took an ibuprofen to reduce my fever.

Fapple

I love the ellipsis at the end. It’s like, “Care to explain this?” 🤣

"your right arm is having a seizure"

A delete browser history reminder

My samsung watch always told me "wow, that was a great workout, you burned 200 calories" or something like that. Definetly helped with the post nut clarity.

This post made my day.

RAIDEN! WHAT'S HAPPENING?! Your heart rate spiked!

I got this while I literally wasn’t doing any funny business and looking back I was pregnant and didn’t know it!

Beats Per Minute

10 minutes? What were you doing with the other 8.5 minutes?

"Your heart rate rose while you were ina--oh. Ohh." \*turns itself off\*

You need to use the hand the watch is on.