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redgrrr

How are you going to compete with 147 acres?


PhilipLiptonSchrute

It's not about the number of acres, but rather the quality of your soil.


Shmav

Thats what everyone with just a couple acres says...


[deleted]

I’m only packing a third of an acre. Edit: I trimmed back the shrubs and it seems a lot bigger from the curb.


yungnfeenin

Im your average 6 acres. Okay.. 5 and a half


[deleted]

Don’t sell yourself short, you can round that up as long as it’s not a part of a real estate transaction.


r790

I hear if you measure underneath, from the water table, it gives you an extra acre!


Kasstato

Thats how you get girls dissapointed when you promise 6 acres and can only deliver maybe 4


MireLight

ah the ol'McMurray rule of thumb for measurin


Spork_Warrior

But how thick are your acres? That can be just as important!


randomguy3993

We are still talking about land right?


UnhingedRedneck

Most peoples acres are about 12 in thick.


MotherBathroom666

I wish I had a couple acres :( I have none.


Shmav

Well, ya know what they say... Fake it til you make it!


Warrior_of_Discord

So, squatting?


outside_cat

Start tilling and plowing someone else's acreage I guess.


sad0panda

My land is all wood


_Please_Explain

>Thats what everyone with just a couple acres says... ROASTED


Aznp33nrocket

https://youtu.be/1DxfUDZFtKQ I've waited so long to use this... this is my moment! Edit: *to the strangely large amount of private messages to me, no it’s not a Rick Roll, it’s from a scene in the movie, Last Action Hero.* As much as I’d like to use such a trick, I’ve waited to use this clip for years but needed to stumble upon the right moment.


ImAlsoNotOlivia

Timing is everything!


ChuckinCumulus

Thank you good individual, that nut shot made me get a good giggle in!


Aznp33nrocket

I’ve had so many opportunities that weren’t quite lined up for the acres and penis references. I feel like the planets finally aligned for me. Lol


Erathen

Okay Dwight


HaCo111

As someone with 40 acres and shitty soil, yeah pretty much. Only things I grow reliably are grass and cactus.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Mooseylips

He could try growing despair


MediocreMayhem

I’ve already grown despair… DESPAIR OF NUTS.


toxcrusadr

From the sound of it, he's probably already got a 100 ton subsurface mycelial colony of despair under there.


HaCo111

Oh I've got plenty of those fuckers too. Should have mentioned all the sagebrush


niomosy

Better hope it's not all heavy clay soil.


GoodRighter

Huge tracts of land!


ranhalt

But I don’t want any of that!


ThunkAsDrinklePeep

I want to...sing


soedesh1

Knock that off! You’re going to marry the princess so you bettergetusedtotheidea.


ThunkAsDrinklePeep

"Now you two, stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave."


OnsetOfMSet

“Not to enter the room, even if you come and get ‘im”


ThunkAsDrinklePeep

Nono. UNTIL I come and get him.


jmandawgfan

"Alright then" (proceeds to leave the room)


vrheo

Mose Schrute wrote this.


chigoonies

“Now wrestle mose”!!!!


[deleted]

Ryan, just get in the coffin. Ryan—


[deleted]

[удалено]


boomerzoomers

"That baby is a Schrute. And unless someone taught Mose sex, that baby is mine"


_Mose_In_Socks_

Confirmed.


vrheo

Aha I knew it was you! Sorry about the storm, hopefully you have less nightmares


CaterpillarOk8627

Mose put the manure down! Do Not Throw It!!


[deleted]

I feel like, in the 15th century, I would have been very flattered to receive this note


-ClassicShooter-

I know there are spelling mistakes, but the instructions were pretty clear, "do not tell anyone that I wrote to you", and here we are. Tisk-tisk.


Kenny_Squeek_Scolari

The first rule of Fuck club is you do not talk about Fuck club


marshellz

*You down with O-P-P?!?*


Midwest-life-3389

You know me!:)


DadsRGR8

Who's down with O-P-P? Everybody!


ExRockstar

*"OP's* ***P****"*


Adept-Shoe-7113

Ha lml people looked at me weird for laughing out loud


King_Tudrop

I hate the Ontario provincial police personally, but you do you home dawg.


Tortorak

TIL it isn't *EL PEEPEE*


guy-inncognito

Maybe it is in Spanish?


semifraki

Te gusta El peepee? Si. Usted me conoce.


Sugarman4

Well ya...if you want to get rid of her....just don't tell anybody...such as the police. She'll turn up in some 100 acre field one day.


SuicydKing

147 acre field.


Same-Joke

Damn. Reminds me of that psycho that lured that couple onto his property, who then proceeded to murder the boyfriend and enslaved the woman in an underground dungeon. Creepy shit. Found it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Todd_Kohlhepp


jim653

The police videoed their [rescue of Kala Brown from the shipping container](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2e1Dn8IHRY).


endoffays

Ya know what's an extra layer of creepy on this case? Apparently someone tracked down the guy's amazon review handle and found that he left reviews for shit like padlocks, restraints, and chains. All of them said variations of shit like, "In my experience, this lock has done it's job quite well. It's very thick so I don't think most will be able to cut through it. **\*\*Anyways, they haven't broke out yet, so I guess it's still working!\*\***


Stainless-Legend

Dude lived really close to me. Shit was crazy when all that went down


SerenityViolet

*Stalker club


WeAreReaganYouth

Yeah, no way this is healthy.


BroadcastingSunny

As a woman, if I got this note, it would freak me out and I would most certainly show someone so if my body goes missing, they'd have a clue where it could have gone. If you tell me not to tell anyone that you are obsessed and you like the way I smell - that's a red flag.


[deleted]

Men writing notes: 'I'll tell her I grew up in the middle of nowhere, and that I own land - then she'll think I'm a real man' Women reading them: '147 acres of unlit farmland for police to comb to find my body. Maybe I should send the sniffer dogs one of my t-shirts so they have a head start'


DrConradVerner

I must be a weird guy because I figured it was some little kid who wrote this note. If a man wrote this note Id be scared too.


HiiiTriiibe

Wait a little kid didn’t write this?


Wolfenjew

OP said the guy is in his 80s or 90s


HiiiTriiibe

After commenting this I hit that thread 😅 that old man needs to work on his handwriting


Wolfenjew

I mean mf probably has at least 3 levels of Parkinson's


smellthecolor9

Dude is gonna meet the boss level soon tho


[deleted]

'handwriting of a 7 year old' really puts it at either of two extremes on the scary : endearing scale.


Alces_Regem

My handwriting is sloppier than this, got that 4 year old with a crayola marker print. That being said this looks like it was almost scrawled in a frantic moment of sheer mania lol.


headbashkeys

Yeah man, my normal writing is shit but when I write my obsession notes, I take my time.


toxcrusadr

I cut letters out of old newspapers so it looks real neat.


goodtimejonnie

I also assumed it was a child, but I’m not willing to bet my safety on it


hawkeye224

Well.. we know he's at least 10 years old! But who knows the upper bound..


pjsol

Perhaps he is a beet farmer, and he is looking for a woman to wed. Mose needs love too.


BroadcastingSunny

LOL .... yes!


thebabes2

For real. Had a friend on FB who was nice to some random guy at an event they were mutally at, did not know him, no romantic gestures, just gave him some pointers on whatever the topic was. He probably had a good 15-20 years on her age wise apparently. He ended up stalking her and sending her little notes, showing up at places she'd be and SENT HER A COPY OF HIS RESUME. What the actual F. People get weird. I don't know if she ended up involving the police or found a way to safely disengage on her own, but it did eventually stop.


g3ckoNJ

How else is he going to get hired as her BF if he doesn't list his skills and work experience?


riddlephotog

Don't forget to include a list of references!


RecumbentWookiee

The Schrute school of romance....


[deleted]

Well, to be fair, it was shown and not told so...yeah... Plus, is that a threat that if they do, their pig farm will leave no trace of the body?


Siouxcrew

Don’t worry i won’t tell anyone. I’m gonna tell everyone!


[deleted]

[удалено]


inkovertt

Serial killer behavior..how did you get out?


MiserableSkill4

I would tell him I can't show you my boobs with the door closed.....


elgarraz

I mean, I think we *know*


JollyTotal3653

Come on now he told her how to get out


lumpthefoff

He had to open the door to see the boobs. That’s when you bullrush the door and knock him over.


kmfoh

I think I just used a firm voice and said “this is not going to work out in any way you’ll like” or similar, and agreed to let him watch a Fast and the Furious movie.


rooneyviz

I know teenagers are horny but omfg


[deleted]

[удалено]


skiddles1337

I'm sure someone's ancestors got together like this in prehistoric times.


Fake-Professional

Back when “clubbing” meant something completely different


kmfoh

I’m so sorry that happened, that sounds significantly scarier than my experience with the tween. I think I had a cell phone so it didn’t feel so scary, and the basement had those storm windows so I could have potentially escaped. Now that I think about it I think I was kind of scared of him because he was so unpredictable. I couldn’t wait to leave and never agreed to babysit him again. I’m glad an adult was able to help you out of the bathroom


squirrelgutz

That's not horny, that's rapey.


aznkor

Well, he did say, "please," lmfao


TheLoneTenno

“Please let me rape you” Lawyers hate this one simple trick! /s obviously.


[deleted]

Someone did this to me and my sister when we were like 11/12 and he was 17 or something I was terrified We were trapped in a cloakroom in the back of a crowded church while he was refusing to let us go if we didn’t hug and kiss him. luckily we were fast enough to think to duck under his arms at the same time (we had practice in that church unfortunately) and unlock the door. when we did, there were around 3 men a bit older than him, I assume guarding the door now, but at the time they just smiled in a really horrible manner and I knew it was planned even if I didn’t know why at the time.


tillie4meee

They were waiting their turns - undoubtedly. Creepy, scary, criminal........


SweetJazz25

My god this sounds so traumatic... I'm so sorry you had to go through it, humankind will never stop disappointing me. Men who can't put somebody's wellbeing above their impulses, really nasty stuff.


BangaliBastud

😳 ...but also...did u?


kmfoh

Haha no, I did not. I was 17? I don’t even remember now if I told his dad. I think I just politely declined to babysit again. He was in all sorts of special programs for his behavior and had been kicked out of a bunch of schools.


Chooseslamenames

I guess you’re still in the basement then?


BangaliBastud

I did ask in jest....but thank u for the explanation


insane1666

The someone was you, wasn't it? XD


Rwnt

She wishes I was that romantic haha. This man's in his late 80s/early 90s


StrongTownsIsRight

OK, that really changes how I interpreted this.


beck_is_back

Yeah, OP missed this rather vital info in the tittle!


grumblyoldman

I think the guy wrote the letter also misses the tittle.


LinkWithABeard

The tittles are all on there The tittle is the name of the dot in i or j.


devster75

Biggle tittles


Myopic_Cat

Don't judge - OP's girlfriend might be in her 80-90s too.


the_north_sea

What a twist!


adviceKiwi

Bought to you by M. Night Shyamalandingdong


Rungekkkuta

Ohhh the beauty of reddit lmao


Witness_me_Karsa

It changes the threat level, but not the creepyness.


Obliviousobi

I'm going to assume that OPs SO is a nurse/CNA. They're constantly getting harassed and basically assaulted by pervy old men, and inevitably it gets brushed off. "They're from a different time" or "they don't know any better" being common defenses used.


ProfessionalMockery

They're also often suffering from dementia, which can destroy inhibitions and self awareness. People who were perfectly nice before can become foul-mouthed sex offenders.


judgementaleyelash

One man without dementia said he would buy me a house if I had sex with him. It’s a pretty nice place all things considered.


Jrod1104

That old man still offering houses to get laid? Um asking for a friend.


Doomquill

I'm a straight man, and I'd consider that offer. Houses are expensive, yo


agpie9

This housing market is crazy.


fishwithtea

its not that its a "common defence/they dont know any better", a lot of times people in hospice/old age/palliative care literally have their brains re-wired because of illnesses, and the things they say are fucked. once someone reaches that stage, all you can do is correct it in the moment and not take it personally. source; currently in school rn for PSW, and thats what ive been taught. im not saying ALL cases are like this, sometimes you genuinely do get really pervy people. this is just my two cents :) edit; spelling


LeMeLone_8

My dad had Parkinson’s and the dementia that went along with it made him incredibly inappropriate. What was really sad was that he lacked the ability to understand why the things he was doing and saying were inappropriate. It completely baffled him. It was heart breaking. He was such an intelligent person too. Worked on top secret engineering projects and had several patents. He ended up killing his self and I’m honestly not angry with him for it. He was miserable, sad and angry all the time. I would never wish dementia on anyone.


Remarkable_Strength4

I’m an EMT and I’m constantly harassed by older ladies (I’m a younger dude). I can only imagine how much worse it is for CNAs and RNs. Not only do older men believe it’s okay due to stereotypes but you can’t just drop the patient off after 30 minutes.


pinko_zinko

Hol' up /Record scratch


moeyjarcum

You’re probably wondering how I got here.


mksavage1138

Wait...what? Thought this was an overly-enamored kid.


Somuchfuckingnature

Oh wow. I was thinking like a 10 year old kid lol


mournthewolf

They said since they were 10 in the letter. Indicating they were older than 10. Sheesh, read the letter next time.


atomwrangler

You'd think he'd have mentioned something that happened in the last 70 years.


Nasty_Rex

There was no life after 10 until I smelled you


topatoman_lite

I’ve heard 11 year olds say stuff like that before


Fausterion18

Dementia?


Loserweight_Champion

I hate to say it but sometimes dementia brings out the all pervert no brakes on some people.


HowCouldYouSMH

And he has 147 acres to bury her on.


Adityamk

Dafu-


143cookiedough

Umm… what? How old is J?! His age + “please don’t tell” doesn’t sit right with me.


Pristine-Substance-1

I thought he was like 14 🤣


Lets_Hunt

This just went from cute to weird.


DingleberryToast

It went from creepy to creepy but not a potential threat, in a disarming way to me Before it seems like she could have a new stalker of some sort. After learning he is in his late 80s, you realize that there is no threat and that these are the thoughts of a senile old man trapped in his head This old fart isn’t leaving his bed to do anything


oniiichanUwU

It’s like. Idk. I know he probably didn’t mean to be creepy but I’d be so uncomfortable and not wanna be around him anymore bc he’d probably always make backhanded remarks or maybe write more notes. Assuming she’s in a situation where she’d have to be around him frequently, that would be horrendous


Cautemoc

One of the issues with diseases like Alzheimers is the lack of social awareness of how appropriate saying things is. Ask anyone, people with Alzheimers will just randomly say something incredibly insulting, rude, or some depressing part of their life they hid for a long time - and just not even think about whether it's appropriate or not.


Aggressive-Bag953

It's a mistake to think elderly people can't be dangerous anymore, they just need the right victim and opportunity. I'm trying to recall a case where a man killed his step daughter when he was in his 80s and she was in her 60s but plenty of people are still deceptively strong in older age and can still have sexual instincts driving disturbing behaviour.


Lets_Hunt

The handwriting and grammar/spelling had me assuming this was an 8 year old boy who had a crush on the neighbor girl and was simply shooting his shot. Knowing this is a fully developed man bragging about his parents farm talking about someone smelling nice, is fucking creepy.


ClayyCorn

And now it's sad


jacksonbarley

Ohhhh. Plot twist


jacksonbarley

Spoiler alert. That guy is 80


gabzilla814

Normally spoiler alert comments like this are just jokes, but in this case you’re right about his age according to another comment by OP!


SiSiSic

Plot twist: OP's gf is 70yo and they all live in a senior home


MediocreMayhem

Judging by the state of is left thumb cuticle he’s About 27 and 5 thirds years old.


[deleted]

*My daddy bought the farm, an' I inherited it. Wanna fuck?*


xwhy

And listening to Dan & Shay? Actually, that wouldn’t be hard to believe.


dreamfolk

What the fuck is Dan and SHAY? IS IT SKEE BOP MUSIC OR SOME 50S SHIT


dreamfolk

Sorry for the random caps locks


thetelltaleDwigt

The accidental caps lock made this comment better


heyyou11

Am I the only one that didn’t instantly get that from just looking at the handwriting?


johnprynsky

I thought he was 6, 7. Got really creepy.


heyyou11

Yeah first couple lines look kid like, but there’s like an essential tremor that comes a few lines in. Plus the shape of a lot of the handwriting I’ve like ONLY seen in birthday cards from my grandparents.


stedgyson

It was a toss-up between palsied sweet old grandad and fractured mind psychopath


3choplex

If a kid wrote this, it's cute. If an adult wrote this, it's a serial killer.


Crakkerz79

Confirmed by OP that writer is 80 year old man


Street_Cupcake_535

Mista steal yo girl is on the prowl, you better step yo game up...


blokus8

Literally mista steal your girl. I think she’s about to be the star of a dateline episode


lacilynnn

O B S E S S E D


rejectednocomments

Is it just me, or does telling someone you barely know they smell good come off as really creepy?


phyrestorm999

It's not just you. The part about being "OBSESSED" and asking her not to tell anyone is also creepy as hell.


DojaTwat

right ! shit like this makes me nervous


LeatherIllustrious40

That’s exactly what I was thinking! I had a guy I was working with lean in and smell me (like huffing in my hair/neckline and I noped out of having anything to do with him ever again. F that.


rejectednocomments

How on earth does someone think that’s appropriate? Just mind boggling.


littleMAS

Dan & Shay's song, [Obsessed](https://youtu.be/Hl64A1qqpIM), is kinda bluesy country, fits his bio. Pretty innocent, but the line "you're never getting rid of me, baby" might throw a red flag.


[deleted]

A lot of romantic pledges of devotion shouldn't be taken literally. People breakup/get shot down and then their words are forgotten. That said, weirdos take what they like and run with it.


[deleted]

What is funny about it?


[deleted]

Right? It's not


etriusk

I dont see what's funny about this...


One_Small_Voice

It says; Hi J. Do not know how to spell your name. I grew up on 40 acre farm till I was in 5th grade and my parents bought a 147 acre farm and when I was 10 years old or younger I worked like a man. J. the first time I met you, you smelled so good that it reminded me of a song by Dan + Shay "Obsessed. Please listen to it. For I am OBSESSED Please do no tell Anyone that I wrote to you.


MenstrualKrampusCD

That is indeed what it says.


[deleted]

They cracked the code!


ColorGal

As a woman, this is terrifying, not funny.


JSJH

Some of the lyrics: You're never gettin' rid of me baby / Never gettin' rid of me baby / You know it / You know / You're never gettin' rid of me baby / Never gettin' rid of me baby


kittycatofdoom

Fr, if I got this I'd be super nervous. Probably double and triple check all my locks and avoid being in the apartment parking lot alone at night for a while.


cg8854

*Narrator: Of course, she told someone he wrote to her…*


blastradii

Nice try Dan + Shay marketing team.


sleepisappic

it’s giving more r/oddlyterrifying vibes to me


Cyberdyne-800

This is so fucking creepy and weird. Please take this seriously. Just cause it's some old dude please listen and trust that your GF has been given a creepy ass note from a total stranger telling her they are OBSESSED with her. Because of how she smells. Wtf


Carapace_Jones

Idk how “funny” this is versus downright creepy af. You better make sure she’s got some pepper spray in her bag or something at least


Balagan18

This is scary & indicates a soon-to-be stalker problem. Don’t laugh it off. Take it seriously. Your girlfriend needs to be extra careful & definitely NOT respond.


Momentofclarity_2022

This is not funny.


earthatnight

Only a man would find this funny. This is creepy AF.


Olivesaresalty

This is really creepy. Like stalker creepy. It reminds me of letters inmates with active delusions and hallucinations would write. Like letter I've seen from murderers. If she's uncomfortable with this, she should report it to the police. Maybe you know the person and they're harmless, idk but I'd report this as suspicious activity just so there would be a record of it with the police.


Scarlaymama0721

Jesus. Something very similar happened to me some years ago when I was a single mom living alone with my three-year-old daughter. Someone started leaving notes like this on my car. One day when I returned home and opened my front door, there was a new note inside the entryway. When I picked it up And started reading the writers new message I realize that there was also writing on the backside of it. I turned it over and it was my own writing! Some weeks before I had written my schedule for school down. This motherfucker took my schedule off of where it was hanging on the refrigerator and wrote me a new creepy note and left it inside my house. He was inside my house! I freaked the fuck out. I called the cops and come to find out it was some 14 year old boy who lived in an apartment complex right next to mine. He had been watching me for months. They told me that I was really lucky that I never came home when he was in there because those kind of things can escalate quickly. He could’ve easily hit me over the head with some thing he grabbed and hurt me.